It is a truth universally acknowledged, that I am just....so unbelievably tired.

genuinely i think if i have to see taylor swift’s name one more time i’m going to start breaking things.

Also I quit my job of what would in about a month or two have been 10 years, and perhaps now I will get to actually be a human being again.

Someone shared a post about the pear of anguish, saying it was used to torture slaves, and I thought its design was interesting but something felt slightly off, so I looked it up.

The first thing you see when you look this thing up is that its usage is disputed.

Apparently the mechanism doesn't seem to work the way it's said to work? It's said that people would slowly enlarge the opening in order to spread an orifice wider and wider, and that it could even break jaws.

The thing is, this device does not seem to open in this way. It seems to spring open. The screw mechanism is for closing it.

I relayed this information, thinking this was someone who would actually care about fact checking. "It might not actually have worked in this way. Its usage is disputed."

For some fucking dadblamed reason, they took this as me... questioning the existence of racism? And denying the suffering of black people?

I do a little more digging, and it's basically the same thing over and over. One guy insists that it's totally a torture device, because why else would it be in torture chamber museums?

I don't know, buddy, maybe because people like to make up stories and scare others.

That's one running theory for the existence of this thing: people wanted a good story. They wanted to be able to sell that story in order to make money. So they made elaborate devices and charged people to see them, or displayed them in order to scare their guests.

This part of the speculation, by the way, is from medieval times. There are no modern accounts of this item's usage.

We have so many accounts of slavery. We have so many ways to spread information. We're still able to converse with some of the children of the people who are still alive. We can still see the documents they left during that time.

Why would they leave this out? If it were actually in use, why would they relay the whippings, the confinement, the rape, the starvation, the harsh working conditions, the lynchings, the forced assimilation, and just... not mention this part?

Their friend piled on. I told him my statement was based on the way the device functions, and not "white people wouldn't do that." I told them that I didn't expect better from him, because I didn't know him, but I did expect better from them.

Apparently this was me making assumptions.

Gonna be honest, I didn't read the entirety of their responses, because this sort of thing is maddeningly upsetting to me. I thought I was safe to say something because, when I accidentally sent them a video by Alexis Nelson, they called it funny and informative. I know that doesn't seem like much, but... honestly, Alexis isn't going to be up everyone's alley, and sometimes that's due to bigotry. So I thought they would actually care, and not be mad about being checked. I've been in that situation plenty of times, and I normally don't say anything if I don't think I'm going to get through. I only say something if I have hope for that person.

I thought I might actually have a potential friend, and said person responded to "Hey this information might not be accurate" with... honestly, I can barely even parse the way they worded things? Something about slavery happening whether it was disputed or not.

I just wanted to fact check an unsourced facebook post.

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

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Is it ridiculous to think maybe this whole hospital thing and related business has mildly traumatised me? Is it ridiculous that I want to write about it in excruciating detail, just get the experience out on paper, on my blog, somewhere? It feels dumb but I want to write fic about it. I think it'd fix me.

god i hate my damn school 😭

currently crying in the library while studying

undertale yellow animatic of to you by or3o.... hey..... can anybody hear me..... does anybody see my vision..........

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

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i've been thinking about chronic pain and the fact that just because you're technically physically capable of doing something it doesn't necessarily mean that you should or that it's good for you. like i'm always telling myself that i'm being dramatic about how much pain i'm in or how tired i always am because i can study full time and hold down a stable job and i manage to pull through every day so i'm fine. but then it's like. i don't have any hobbies i don't eat or sleep well at all i'm always in so much pain and i'm miserable because i don't have time to do anything but work and study. and i always wonder how everyone else has the time to socialise or do what they enjoy or cook and clean in between. and it's because i don't have the same energy levels as them so when i do an entire day of uni and work i feel like i need an entire month to recover physically but i don't have time to do that because my schedule doesn't allow for it so i just keep on going until i get sick and then have to take a week off work because i'm too exhausted to function. so like yeah i can work and study like a "normal" person but it's really really tiring and painful. i automatically tune out pain and i've been doing that most of my life because i'm seen as able bodied and expected to act as such because no one has ever listened to me when i tell them i'm in pain so i just force myself to keep going and tell myself it's all in my head. but like. maybe the fact i'm in so much pain all the time and i'm so insanely tired is because i'm operating at the same pace as someone who doesn't have anything wrong with them when i do in fact appear to have lots wrong with me even if i don't know what it is

my aunt gifted my dad some winnie the pooh LINE stickers today in celebration of the new year. i have 56 new message notifications for the family group chat; it is just the two of them sending delightful stickers of well-wishes. they are often at each other's throats as siblings are, and they are also an ocean apart. i don't know where i'll be twenty years from now, and i haven't been able to eat dinner with my sister in months, but i hope we'll still have groupchats. i'll give a heart react and carry that little bit of warmth with me.

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(pretty long thread rip)

I should be studying for tomorrow but instead I am restless and overthinking and thinking to myself about how there is so much wrong in approaching love from the perspective of trying to be liked and trying to be loved and trying to be good and trying to stick people to yourself with duct tape made of gifts and nice jokes and sweet words because well, it's not only tiring but they will leave in the end anyway, and loving and being loved is supposed to be rest and peace and a sound mind and the more you try the less you achieve any of that! Except I'm my mother's and father's child so I still do it anyway and hang around and try again and cling until it's dead because otherwise it all really hurts but it hurts anyway so

Just dgaf. And if you do then pretend you don't until you convince yourself and restrain your hands so they can't reach out to anyone once they turn their back on you and just. Let people live with their own decisions. I want so hard to be loved that I am making myself disposable like a used rag and for what? It's all gonna be good one day with or without anyone else