its weird how the imposter managed to get away with impersonating byakuya togami of all people at hope's peak BEFORE byakuya togami was actually enrolled. like, did. did people notice? did people just see byakuya togami hanging out around campus for a while and then suddenly his skinny long-legged ass is standing at the entrance ceremony a few months later like he's never set foot in the school before? imagine how weird that would be.

Venting post...

Feeling like shit these past 2 days. And I mean, significantly more than usual.

I can’t sleep, or barely. Ive always had issues with falling asleep, turning n tossing for 1h+, but today and yesterday it was not only that, but also waking up in the middle of the night, and then waking up 1 or 2h before my alarm, and not falling back asleep, depriving me of precious hours.

I can't eat, or barely. Im either not hungry or hungry for 5 min top, which doesnt leave me enough time for a normal lunch. Worse is that everything tastes bad. Plain. Even things I usually like or love. Eating them stop bringing me happiness.

And knowing that good food and good sleep are two of the main things bringing me relief and joy in this world, keeping me going, I'm worried about hitting rock bottom in a way I never did before.

I'm currently living with my mom but it's temporary, despite it making me so happy after leaving alone for years, and after wishing for years I could have a normal happy family life with her, with my father out of the picture. I know that when I'll move out I will feel miserable for a few days before getting used to my old routine again, but it's still not something I look forward to. The unescapble pain. Not to mention the pain of rejection bc she doesn't want to live with me.

My anxiety is through the fucking roof because of work, to the point that I'm making myself sick to my stomach, I reckon. On one hand it's my first actual official job, and I have such imposter symdrome, so I'm terrified of fucking up, and my mistakes having serious consequences, even though the ambiance and work rythmn is pretty relaxed. So the worse about that is that I'm inflicting this pressure on myself, like some sort of self-flagellation that has no purpose except eating me alive and that I can’t control.

In terms of work, I'm also hypersensitive/constantly on edge bc Ive never had so much coworkers at once. I struggle with so much basic interaction/normal behavior bc my instinct has always been to shut up, look down and hug the walls. Even when I think I manage to make conversations with some coworkers that I find easier to approach than others, I end up trying to be funny but failing miserably, which makes me wanna never talk/joke ever again, or I try to participate in convos like a normal human being, but either my inputs get ignored (could try again louder but not fond of getting ignored twice) or I don't get an opportunity to participate bc 1. The others talking do it so fast that theres always someone replying to another before I can intervene or 2. I don't have anything to add.

And all those office politics are also stressful af, because somehow so much of your work/worth is mesured with how much you get along with others. I force myself to say hello and goodbye to everyone (~15 ppl) (even tho the logic thing to do for me would be to salute ppl as you come across them during the day, instead of doing a round of offices).

But you’re also supposed to go on 30min (?) Coffee breaks with everyone else twice a day, and after forcing myself for a few days, where it felt as uncomfortable as being at a party where I know no one, where I didnt know where to place myself in space, I had nothing to add to convos, I tried to join groups formed but eventually those circles of ppl "close" and you’re left outside like an outcasted idiot.

And you're also supposed to eat lunches with coworkers. I thought itd be cool at first. I genuiely anticipated it bc one of my coworker i share an office with told me that they, him and another colleague play board games after lunch. I was genuiely into it.

But then I arrive into the lunch room, - after everyone bc I went out to buy my lunch -, and the table where are the only ppl I know and/or the ones I feel most comfortable with, is full. No seat for me. The first time they noticed me and managed to add a seat for me.

The second time I just felt like an idiot. And mortified. So I turned around, unable to meet anyone's gaze, and got tf out. Ate outside. And my coworker who I shared an office with even told me later they saw me but...? I even tried a third time bc eating is loney, lets be fukin honest. And the times where I managed to eat with coworkers that I felt at ease with, I had a lot of fun. But that 3rd time, all I saw was that the two girls I thought I was closest too, didn’t kept me a seat, despite knowing I will arrive 5-10 min later after buying food. So I just. Took it more or less personally. And, completely unable to look at the other persons in the room, I sat alone at a table, feeling like a plague sufferer/pathetic loser.

An important part of the context for lunch at work is:

1. There isn’t enough seats for everyone, like 30 for a total of 60 employees.

2. Simply entering the lunch break room is enough to make me feel like I'm going to have a fucking panic attack. Suddenly I'm paralyzed, shaky, blushing, uncapable to look at anyone, least of all meet their gaze... Feels like some kind of trauma I got from self service cantine in Middle School. The massive amount of loudly chatting students in one place and the risk of eating alone like a pariah made me feel so uncomfortable every time.

Also every employees talks in this kind of big structure. I'm scared of being the subject of gossip, ppl interpreting my behavior as contempt, rudeness, hatred of them...gossip that could potentially get me fired, and gossip based on the attitude I display despite all the socializing efforts I've done. But people only see my failures.

Also everyone in this association pretends to care about the well being if their employees, that they're ready to listen to you, that they have a point of contact for the handicapped, but the truth is:

1. They have no idea on how to deal with mental illnesses

2. No idea if the problems/difficultied I encounter daily I mentionned to my head of department and colleagues will stay between us or are already been shared with the whole organisation bc they're all busybodys.

2. The only help provided by the point of contact is helping you file a form to get recognized as an handicapped worker. Which takes 8 months to proceed. On average. And they may refuse your demand.

its alright if its long! i asked bc i was curious, id love a long answer

OKAY HERE IS THE SUPER LONG ANSWER, it’s self indulgent and, dare I say, Boring as shit -- but it’s the full answer to how/when/why I started drumming -- it is also 1.5k words long so it’s under a read more

so I started like drumming in a serious way i would say like a year and a halfish ago which isn’t a super long time I know but theres a tediously long story behind it which you asked for so don’t blame me for how long this is cause dude i know it’s long

The why of it is actually pretty short though. So my house is a music house, my mom plays a bunch of instruments and sings and my dad listens to a bunch of music so theres a lot of musical passion (even when theres no talent necessarily). As a kid, like 3-4 like EARLY memory, I remember listening to bohemian rhapsody and hearing the drums specifically, which idk if this is universal but for a lot of songs for awhile i just didn’t hear the drums as like part of the song really, and with bohemian rhapsody they were just so clear, like i could hear the heartbeat of the song. (this was the first song I felt that with but definitely not the only one, baba oreilly was another one that i made me realise the life of the song comes from the drums) When I was .... like 6-7, a beatles doc came on MTV and I saw Ringo drumming during the early beatles years and he was standing and stomping the hi hat and bass and there was just so much movement and power behind it and so much more fun in my opinion than the other instruments and i was like “i wanna be the one giving songs their heartbeats”. The more i got into a bunch of other, new and old, bands the more i was like This Has To Be Me. I had always been a fidegty person who was drumming to shit anyway but like the idea that that could translate into like something palatable and musical and entertaining and LOUD was News™ to me and I wanted to do that, but at the time I only knew a bit of piano and like a single chord on guitar and, like a lot of people’s parents, my parents saw creative fields as really unstable/unrealistic so I was like “well obvious it would be nice to be a loud drummer but I’m going to be a business person” (this is how cynical i was as a child).

the WHEN of it is a longer story, like it isn’t actually cause the actual answer is that i’ve been seriously drumming for about 1.5 years but theres like more to it imo

When i was in the third grade, instruments were compulsory at school so we all had to choose and buy one to learn on as well as basic piano lessons. I wanted to play the drums as “my instrument” at that time BUT my school didn’t have the budget or the space really to accommodate that (i would've had to buy my own kit and haul it to and from the school which didn’t make sense for me to do for someone who hadn’t ever touched drums) AND they didn’t have a teacher that could really teach drums, our percussion section was just a xylophone and some cymbals it was a school of like 2000 kids so :/

So I learned clarinet and then when i was 10, in the fifth grade, my older sister’s friend stopped playing saxophone and got permission to bring her drums in. We only had an orchestra so our teacher had to write her music for/with her which was cool but anyway. She left her drums at school and i knew her and so while i was supposed to be in the practice room playing clarinet i was trying semi-fruitlessly to drum. I knew i wanted to drum by any means necessary but like I was 10 and since i had no guidance (and no proper sticks i was using xylophone mallets) I didn’t think I was “good” at it and when we moved away I took that as a sign that it wasn’t meant to be.

When we got to america I joined school bands (as in orchestra/concert band) as a clarinet player once again, I still wanted to be drumming and i was in a public school by then so i had access to like “school drums” but I was so far behind the not-self-taught drummers in the actual band that I just like decided I had to focus on what I was already good at which was my art and dove into the upper level art program which like GOOD cause that made life worth living but it also meant the only time I could drum was when I was at this one friends house or had access to the band hall and like I just couldn’t keep the improvements i’d made, like i’d perfect a song and then have zero access for a couple weeks (except to like stand alone snares but :/ ) and i’d have to start over essentially and it was SUPER discouraging and it made me feel like I wasn’t making any progress

In the meantime I was trying to get my musical fix by learning guitar/piano and piano came back to me pretty quickly (its gone again now) but guitar like.....you can’t hit it lmao, piano i could slam the keys how i wanted to and get that really great loud resonating sound and i could stand to play and get more movement out of it but guitar is tedious in a way that other instruments aren’t imo, like the sound is loud but the movement is very precise and i never had the patience for that

when I got to college I really had to focus on my art especially the first two years, I literally lived in the studio (im not exaggerating, the students in my major and I had a janitorial bathroom set aside for showering) so pretty much all of my hobbies got tossed aside those two years it was grueling, fun but also hell

Junior year came and i had like 30% of my time back and i was like considering switching majors. I knew i didn’t want to do animation but also you can’t just switch into music at a university, you have to be pretty accomplished already and percussion at my school is HUGE like i would’ve had to be roger himself to have a chance of switching in. On top of that the degree isn’t super useful so I now have my Bachelors of Science. But by junior year i KNEW i didn’t wanna do that, I knew i wanted/i want to drum so I.... licherally................went to the library and printed like 50 pieces of paper each with three flyers on them and cut them up and put them up ALL over campus essentially begging for access to a drum kit. I could only afford like a couple hours on this one guys kit every few weeks for one semester (and then the following semester i did a semester away, they had drums at the school there but i only got access like a total of 5 times) so when i came back to america I did the exact same thing, I put up flyers in the music building and eventually i found a girl who let me use her drums for free all year, she gave me access like last august? I think? and just now has packed them away in the last month or so, and i would literally go into this tiny stuffy unairconditioned room (that had an automatic light timer so i’d be in the dark halfway through a song ahsdkhajkda and a couple times the heat got to me and i had to go outside and sit in my car w/ the AC before coming back in ahdjkahdjkasdjka) and drum for about 6-8 hours MWF and maybe like 3-4 hours T/TR which i know isn’t as much as some people but like I had school work still so I couldn’t do too much more. (it worked out great cuase i only took 7 hours my last two semesters so it was like something i could do while all my friends were in class and they weren’t open on weekends so my social life didn’t get fucked up) and like i know i haven’t been drumming drumming that long comparatively to like normal people who start at age -2 and are born with a snare in their laps but you spend that much time each week doing something and you’ll get good you just like… have to and I like where I’m at right now, I think I’ll always have super severe imposter syndrome abt my skill level b/c of how long it took me to get here and being an overcritical perfectionist doesnt help but yeah

i really dont think its a coincidence that my coming out (to myself) coincided with when I said “fuck it im gonna play drums come hell or high water” but SUPER LONG AND OVERLY DETAILED story short, I heard roger drum and said “if i dont do that ill die” and then when i finally had the resources i drummed myself into multiple heat strokes and i recently saw roger live so the universe rewarded me for all that shit