#like so fucking many back to back jesus
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yt shorts rlly said fuck dan today huh
#🗑️ ooc // trash boat#negative tw#so many videos abt. a trigger.#like so fucking many back to back jesus#its a common one too like gd
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Zelda
She/her, 65 moons, cis molly
#Zelda (cat)#<- so it doesn't go in the fandom tags of the game lmao#Loner#honeyclan#<- the save file she's from. I'm gonna say she lives nearest to them#warrior cats oc#warriors oc#kiri’s clangen#clangen#She also doesn't have the chest spot on her sprite but I thought she looked better with it so. Y'know#I made her fur so massive but I need it to be known that the rest of her is massive as well. She's jut very large#also I HAVE RETURNED TO THIS BLOG!!! Can't say how regular activity here will be but I'm queueing this on thursday to go up on friday#and I've got three more finished cats to go up the three days after that. We'll see how many more I draw before the queue runs out#I'm doing hermit-a-day-may over on my main blog and I'm coming up on the end of the schoolyear so I may be mostly swamped until summerish#but I'd like to pick back up with posting these during the summer. I have some ideas for a comic that I'd like to do but I haven't written-#-it out yet becuase I want to get these designs done first and I think I'm about halfway through all the cats I have? across 5 different-#-clans two of which are very large so. Mass extinction events will be on once I start playing moons again!!#anyways sorry for rambling but I'm very proud of my next few designs. I think I've found a good method for doing them quickly. It involves-#-using actual reference images for the poses lmao#EDIT I lied I'm not even close to halfway#I've got 66 out of 181 done meaning I have 115 left#jesus fucking christ ITS FINE it's fine it's just a lot. not a problem though#I can pick up the pace after this next month or two#it's chill
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✨ thinking of him thursdayyyy ✨ (<- said in a monotone deadpan with jazz hands)
#volition thoughts. as usual. (sorry im so fucking deadpan all of a sudden hello lmao? probably bc i need to sleep.)#hey. volition ship captain and echem as a siren. what then huh. he's already like an octopus AND its mermay.#(<- will not act on this thought in the slightest but know that i am thinking it in the back of my mind)#i think they're lost at sea and the sirens keep singing and volition's losing more and more crew but he's fuckin volition so of course he's#not falling for it. but its okay in the end the sirens are just leading them back to land because my god give them happy endings. please.#concept and suggest would also be sirens i think. ency and logic are navigators. volta do mar should be here because i say so.#volta and kinetic dressage are little fairies then that help volition with sanity/the ship. who can stop me im not even making this.#anyway VOLITION. i am totally normal about him and 95% of my brainspace is definitely not occupied by thinking about him.#jesus ive been so tired lately (its! the! ✨ chronic fatigue! ✨) i WANT TO DRAW but i am. too tired. writing is easier...#but i want to draw so many volition things. hmgbmbbb... i want him to be loved... which in retrospect is fucking silly he is a character.#okay vision's straight up going unfocused so we're done here goodnight. o7#chemi chats
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#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad#we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic#was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though#it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything#also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't#tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer#both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first#time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been#making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said#i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly#implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me#bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication#we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked#& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol#which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't#even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around#a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins#literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww#am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely#concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know
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Im saying to myself, “it’s ok, it’s not like there’s THAT many fans” when I know dang well there IS that many fans and it WILL crash…😭
yeah... Yeah....
#sometimes i forget how many people are enthusiastic about this project and its like#on one hand: jesus fucking christ#but on the other: there is so much Love here....#AND THAT LOVE IS GONNA CRASH! THE! SITE! WE WILL TRY NOT TO BUT ITS GONNA HAPPEN!!!#even if like. half of us refrain. its still gonna go down lol#honestly if we were all Organized we'd all go into like. 6 groups#with different times for visiting the site to lower the strain#but we are Not organized and we do Not have that kind of self control i think!!!#clown tosses a crumb into our alley and we all come scurrying out of the dumpsters and walls#to ravenously devour the crumb before crawling back to our corners and trash cans to patiently await the next Morsel#rambles from the bog#& thats just accounting for tumblr! let alone twitter and tiktok and wherever else!
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the bible is so boring what's the ideal size of paper for rolling joints
#some people outside the dining hall today were handing out the new testament and i was like no thanks im jewish and they were like you can#still read it and i took one bc i thought reading it would be funny and as i was walking away the guy said 'praying for your country!' and i#didn't say anything back because i only processed the sentence once i was already in the building but i have been thinking about it all day#and how sick it makes me the narrative is so fucked in what universe is that my country i've never been there the only time a family member#has 'lived' there was during college because they were jewish and thought they should go i hate it here. in the world#anyway i got tired of reading it so quick there's so many pages of just him saying stuff i guess jesus telling people stuff?? just of rules#alex talks
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Friendship ended with Fuli & Nanook, now Aha is my best friend.
haha Shuhu's Gift go brrrrr
#me crawling back to swarm disaster: yknow what sure let's try elation#me watching this fucking nonsense of a fireworks show: oh ok why did i even bother with other paths until now#jesus christ there are so many numbers#if my team looks like it makes no sense yes it does#it serves its purpose don't even worry about it#there is a logic#hsr#ray's records#elation went from my most avoided path to my savior#what a good followup attack does to an account#and it's not even the main focus of blade's kit...
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well 😔 after literally 3+ years of masking and double masking with N95s and KN95s and social distancing and not going anywhere where i can't be assured i won't be in close proximity to someone with COVID ya boy got COVID , , , ,
#my lungs feel like absolute shit man ; ;#it's like a footballer rammed straight into my back and stood on top of my crumpled body for good measure ; ;#all because my brother still hangs out at movies and restaurants with his friends . . . . . . . .#and stupidly i was so excited to see him back after a month of being away#so we sat and watched a movie together on tuesday#and then wednesday he was like 'oh shit turns out i have covid sorry'#ogughgh . . . . . .#apparently he was feeling bad even on tuesday but he has such a history with head colds that COVID didn't even show up on our radar . . . .#i'm paying for it now though hhh ; ;#hindsight 20/20 and all that#can't stop coughing and i'm running a low grade fever#but most of all JESUS my chest hurts so much ; ; ; ; ;#it's like the agony of an asthma attack only so much more focus on the pain than the inability to breathe#i'm lucky that at most it just feels like there are rubber bands around my chest when i try to breathe deeply#but god#i'm supposed to start my internship through my college next week#this. might literally fuck me over in so many ways but hopefully my mentors will be accommodating . . . . .#in any event uhgghghgh i'm just frustrated because i've been so so careful for years and years . . . i never stopped masking . . . . .#i got the vaccine and all the boosters and yet . . . . . . . .
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there’s a progression in there, somewhere, of even going from ‘the master might kill me any day now :(‘ to ‘the master is going to kill me :) she’s not going to let someone else do it after all this time’
#i wouldn’t call it hubris exactly. more like this pretty secure surity that that’s how they’re going to die.#and to them that makes sense. they chose this. they keep choosing it after the doctor offers them a way out.#because this is. they understand this. and they feel safe in the reprieve before their death.#how do you control death? choose who kills you. the last defense of a prey animal.#something something dark mirror to clara’s ‘i am owed’ speech for even is if this ever. doesn’t work out the way they thought it would.#clara tried to threaten the doctor so that he’d reverse death for her. even would turn on the master if she tried to spare them.#i am owed better. i am owed the death you promised… i am owed the knowledge that you don’t care enough to save me… you know. something like#that.#even is. kind of. meant to mirror the doctor’s companions at the time. they are a martha who can’t leave him. they are a donna who has to#remember and never speak about everything they know. they are clara if during deep breath clara reached back and truly didn’t expect. truly#hoped. that no one would take her hand. because if they can be certain it will happen they can know never to reach again.#jesus christ. go to therapy boy. you have so many trust issues.#but that’s why they’re Like That with the master because at the end of the day. who is easier to rely on? the guy who comes in to put out#fires but only sometimes. or the guy who. really really fucking likes starting fires.#better to get burned hoping someone is coming or get burned knowing that’s what would happen. and even. chooses the latter.#AND ALL OF THIS. for me to say thats why i cant actually let the master ever kill them.#i think she needs to do something worse to even. i think she needs to abandon them.#and that will either set them free to go have healthy normal relationships or. lets be honest much more likely. completely fucking break#them. which would be fun :) for me.#dw oc
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Today's unwanted, repeated flashback is that time three years ago now when I held this man's face in my hands, kissed him on the nose, and very gently said, "You're so pretty. I'm likely never going to fuck you," and then drove him home in silence
#OUT OF POCKET 😂😂😂#there are so many memories that just absolutely floor me#like what on the gods green earth could compel you to do this#(I mean I know what compelled me but good fucking gravy)#and I was right too#when I finally snapped on his pushy aggressive behavior he left me alone for a year and then circled back to tell me how my words prompted#him to find jesus be a better father and start his own business#the business was shit#but still.. good for him
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what do you plan to do with your degree after uni?
FUCK NASTY!!!
#if i ever touch economics again it's a cry for help like i cannot stress enough how fucking pointless this degree is gonna be#okay deep breath im only being so negative bc im balls deep in exam season. it's a GOOD degree i DONT REGRET MY DEGREE#this will be EXCEPTIONALLY helpful when i go into the working world i am EMPLOYABLE bc of my DEGREE#like economics is a VERY versatile subject there arent many areas of work that econ doesnt apply to in some way#so i KNOW it's a really good degree to have and i can kinda do what i want afterwards#but oh my fucking god. jesus christ. bloody fucking hell#i do however know that in the immediate year after my degree im gonna move back home and waitress full time#bc i just need to like. take some time off education and recover LMAO and i want a space to just tick some boxes i never got round to#like learning how to drive and stuff. and living without having rent to pay in a place im very familiar with will be good#even if i do think it's gonna have it's own struggles. oh hometown blues we're really in it now#but yeah after that year im thinking about maybe doing a masters? but ill have to proper blag it bc you typically have to do#masters in subjects relevant to your degree and i dont want to go within a radiation exclusion zone of economics#so. there's that. do u think if i say please somewhere will let me do a classics masters be honest. if i say pretty please#ask#hella goes to uni
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i’m sooooooooo stressed about a message i just sent but i am glad i sent it bc if i hadn’t i would’ve spent the rest of however long thinking about sending it and i don’t like that at all but also my heart is literally pounding in my chest what if he hates me and doesn’t want to be friends anymore…………………
#I DONT LIKE BREACHING THE COWORKER VS FRIEND BOUNDARY BECAUSE MY BOUNDARIES ARE SO THIN BUT I AM ALWAYS TERRIFIED OF PUSHING SOMEONE ELSE#TOO FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT ALSO THIS GUY AND I SPENT SO LONG BITCHING TOGETHER SATURDAY NIGHT AT A PARTY AND HE SMOKED MANY OF MY CIGARETTES#SO HOW MUCH CAN HE REALLY HATE ME#I AM SO FULL OF ADRENALINE RIGHT NOW THIS IS SO SCARY IVE GOT MY PHONE ON DO NOT DISTURB BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO KNOW WHEN HE REPLIES#HORRIFYING. TERRIFYING. I WISH I HAD SENT A MESSAGE TO HIM BACK IN FUCKING JULY THE FIRST TIME I WANTED TO SEND A MESSAGE TO HIM.#HORRIBLE HORRIBLE STUFF AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#IF I FUCK THIS UP THEN I DO ACTUALLY FUCK THINGS UP QUITE SEVERELY BC HE IS ONE OF THE PEOPLE I MOST ENJOY HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH JUST#IN GENERAL. BUT ALSO. I KNOW HE LIKES HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH ME AS WELL SO IT SHOULDNT FUCK IT UP TOO MUCH#BUT WHAT IF IT DOESSSSSSSSDD#AND THEN I HAVE TO SEE HIM. AT WORK. ON THURSDAY.#THIS COULD GO SO WRONG BUT IT ALSO MIGHT BE THE START OF A LOVELY ABILITY TO TEXT CASUALLY#WHICH IS WHAT IM AIMING FOR BUT JESUS CHRIST AM I SCARED RIGHT NOW#HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL SO SCARED
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I have a feeling you just watched brokeback mountain 🤔
what did u think?
i think 1) i was absolutely enamored with jack twist and 2) i have never been more devastated by a film in my entire life
#like i am having so many thoughts. but they all just lead back to me being in absolute ruins#jesus FUCKING christ#what a movie what a fucking movie#asks#jenna tag
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Ignore
#delete later#i have three medical appointments in the work day in the next three weeks#one on Thursday then two mid/late January and i know that its good bc i need these appointments but i get so#anxious that ppl ay work are mad at me for having so many#im also scared about thirsdays one bc its for my ankle and hand pain and ironically the hand is way better and the ankle is also#more stable. something clicked again a couple days ago and fixed the pain in half of ky foot. no idea what happened there but#the click itself hirt like a bitch which is new. most of my pain doesnt start with a click and most clicks are painless#so fun#im just in a permanent state of being afraid i wont be taken seriously. my physio wanted a scan on my foot so om gonna#relay that but like idk what theyre gonna say. also if they do want to swnd me for a scan that's gpnna be ANOTHER appointment#so fuck me i guess. at the very leasy its not like severe psin any more so they wont send me to a and e for an x ray like they did#with my hip that one time. that would fucking suck to explain tp my manager#hey julia im fine but ive been sent ro rhe hospital for a scan so i guess ill be back when im back?#fuck me im anxious. and i hace so much apprenticeship work tp do i want to scream#also was distracted by my aching hands bc often they just ache abd successfully triggered myself so bow time to play what#is actual acge and what is remembered ache oh joy#one of the other appointments is gender clinic appointment abd im hoping to get referred for top surgery now ive been on t#for 9 months. waiting list gonna be like four fucking years but debating saving like mad abd going private bc jesus Christ#i cant bind bc of sensory problems and constantly aching ribs and last time i taped i ripped chunks of skin off so kinda#think i shouldn't do that again but like it sucks. not as bad now that my voice is dropping abd shit but still not fun#we'll see!
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people with their fave's extra hours of dialogue and double the romance scenes claiming the char in question wasn't l*rian's writers' pet... I can't this is a stupid fucking hill to die on and that is objectively provable there is a reddit thread where someone literally did the maths. You are just wrong and you need to shut up.
#tbd#(1) one character in bg3 got more romance content than eeeeveryone else by a pretty vast margin#a clown who works at l*rian literally admitted to the blatant favouritism what more do you need#a clown i might add who in their own words#was the narrative design LEAD who worked with individual character writers to plan and develop storylines :^)#and magically only had time for the (1) one character who you keep insisting isn't a writer's pet#as if writing all those extra interactions wasn't giving more work to everyone down that pipeline during crunch lmfao#which is even more irresponsible#but soo many people at l*rian just let that happen lmfao#i love how it's like 'BUT THE STATS SAID'#it's only proving the fucking point my dude#the stats in both early access and full release said a certain couple of chars were the most popular to romance#meanwhile both those characters only got half the potentially romantic scenes the writers' pet did#(1) character got preferential writing over ALL the others for the durge romance like jesus christ#'more talked about than your fave' my god shut up you cretins#like shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down#you can get a seat at the table of people who have every right to bitch when l*rian writes in more romance scenes so it's six for EVERYONE.#and all those fucking extra wittle durge interactions#EXIST FOR EVERYONE ELSE#and now i go back to my hiatus bc this site is bad for my blood pressure#fandom wank#bg3 critical
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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day
#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute#so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much#but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it#she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan#I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning#and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell#like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him#and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out#was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over#blahhhhhh#and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
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