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despiteinspite · 3 years

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On Shop Windows and Being

“I include the personal here to connect the social forces on a specific, particular family’s being in the wake to those of all Black people in the wake; to mourn and to illustrate the ways our individual lives are always swept up in the wake produced and determined, though not absolutely, by the afterlives of slavery.” (Sharpe 2016, 5)

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In one of my classes, my peer, Joi, shared her experience as a black ballerina. Their practice space was in a closed-down shoe store. The floors were replaced. Big mirrors and balance bars were installed against the walls, and across from the door lined tall shop windows. On the first day of class, at ten years old, Joi and the rest of the dancers sat cross-legged as their instructor introduced themselves. After sharing their names, their instructor told them, "Now as black girls - as black ballerinas, there aren't too many of us. Remember, they can see you." Joi explained to us the importance and the pain of this message. In her practice space, in her learning space, she did not feel free to make a single mistake. Because if she did, she'd not only be disappointment to her own reflection in the practice mirror, but reflect failure to those behind the glass.

What does it mean to be black, to be girl and constantly balancing, expanding, stretching, and splitting yourself into perfection? What can that mean for this body? Claude M. Steele makes Brent Staples' experience whistling Vivaldi the title of his first book in his decades-long career. Steele's work is to examine stereotype and how it affects all of us in a way that prevents us from living without burden or stress. In understanding identity and stereotype's threat to identity formulation, Steele shares Staples' experience as an example of not only the cognition a person experiencing stereotype threat may have, but tactics to cope. For Staples, he deflects fear against him and within him by whistling classical music. In this way, Staples reads as safe to passersby on his walk. As Steele writes, "This caused him to be seen differently, as an educated, refined person, not as a violence-prone African American youth." (Steele 2010, 7) And as I read this in class, I immediately think of another boy marked by youth and dark skin. Emmett Till, 14 years old, was deemed unsafe - in fact, deemed lethal target - due to whistling.

And whether or not Till did whistle does not matter, for many reasons. What matters is that it was reason enough.

For Till, whistling was justification for torture. For Staples, whistling was the only safety net he could think of. It strikes me how truly precarious being black is. There is no singular trick that can be universalized to promise our survival. Be it whistling, walking home, driving with your kids, being President, being President's daughters. There is no safety in this black skin.

When I think back to what my past career plans were and how they and my current experiences have shaped my future goals, I think it was always rooted in attempted escape. For the ability to slip into an imaginary that hugged me, a world that embraced me. For a long time, I coveted for a reality that loved me. I decided to use this space to explore each previous career plan that I translated to an iteration of Me. Be it writer, President or policymaker- I chose these titles because I could feel it projecting a Me the world could love. I yearn(ed) so much for a world that would just love Me.

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Vocabulary was never my strong suit. It still isn't. And, when we were made to take those spelling tests in elementary school, I drilled myself as much as possible. Before test day, I'd eat alphabet soup for good favor from the Letter Gods; Give me that S on my paper. Even then I knew after all the preparation, I was never going to find myself using the words. Humongous? Big would be fine enough. Be damned synonyms. Be damned precision. I knew enough words to say what was on my mind without needing to do all that studying. But, I wasn't gonna be caught slipping on something everyone else was excelling in.

In fact, that's how I knocked out my two front teeth. My siblings were losing their teeth left and right, purchasing freeze pops after the Toothfairy's fair bargain. So, I grabbed one of my wood blocks, and knocked any loose tooth I could find. Twisted them until my gums gave out and gave up. And now here I am, teeth at a slant and still craving those sweets.

This vocabulary test offered extra credit, something I knew someone in my state - bloody gums, sticky fingers, alphabet soup brain - would need. We were told to make a short story, 10 sentences max, using at least 5 of the vocabulary words. So I made Ten, a young girl aged 9 with too much time on her hands, trying to whack her teeth out. Only thing I remember is that she rode a humongous hot air balloon, tied a brick around her teeth and chucked it into the air. The tooth went with it. Poor Ten. She was a Junie B. Jones copy to be sure, but she got me my S. My teacher pulled me aside and told me I was a great writer. A writer. Suddenly, it felt fitting to call myself: Stephanie, the writer. The one day published author. I had a definition of Me that felt so much cooler, so suave compared to my peers. I was going to be a writer.

I wrote all through middle school. Finished the Saga of Ten, started writing collaboratively with my best friend through Google Docs. What a joy it was to share this fun with someone. We'd swap our names and faces with the leading starlight of our time (regretably and instructively for two girls of color, it was Bella of Twilight), switch the heartthrobs to our Middle School Day Dreams and giggle and shy away and praise and write and write. I really had so much fun then.

I was lonely for much of my time in High school. I knew no one. I knew nothing. It felt like everyone knew which clubs to join, which teachers to meet with, knew what it meant to have a counselor AND an adviser. One for high school troubles and the other for career services. I was 14. But, they were too. And yet, they knew.

I was still Stephanie, the writer though. I did well in my Presentation classes and got along really well with my 9th grade Lit Teacher. She was so sweet to me. I think she knew I was a fish out of water. To find someone who loved writing like I did, like my best friend who rushed along at a different high school that felt like it was in a different time zone, to find someone like that again was a joy. It seemed like no one else connected to All Quiet on the Western Front or the Edgar Allen Poe like we did. I was still cool, suave writer Stephanie in the face of the unknown.

Then, we read Huckleberry Finn. Then, everyone was attentive. Everyone wanted to read along.

Then I heard my classmates say Nigger more times than I could care to count. I remember shooting up. Looking and being reminded that this wasn't Middle School anymore. These faces didn't look like mine. Hair didn't look like mine. Speech wasn't like mine even if they tried to copy. I was black girl in a white room, admiring a white teacher who let these white kids say Nigger. I didn't finish reading Huckleberry Finn. I stopped writing.

I wanted to cry, but what will the people think watching me? What will I think of Me, crouching, hiding near squeaky-clean glass? How is it possible to be stare at and unseen? I think that's why I was so angry after reading Recitatif. I fell for it too. Just like they did. Saw something unseeable, assigned roles to hair smell, to motherhood, to two girls with lapsing memory. Had I really not learned from my own pain?

I think that Lit class was the first moment that I realized I was behind shop windows too. Before, I thought I was a fellow admirer, struck by the fabrics spinning amongst themselves, silks sliding down cheeks, cotton snuggling up to noses. I'm always watching in awe as a They walk freely, playing in such pretty dress-up. I wanted to be out there. I wanted to feel silk. I wanted cotton to be comfort, not a reminder.

In 11th grade, I enrolled in AP US History. I scored well enough on Social Studies SOLs and when that happens, the counselor or adviser (one of em) trains you to take 4 or 5 APs at a time. So, alongside AP Psych, AP Environmental Science, my Monday and Wednesday would feature US History. My professor was very honest about expectations, even getting us to start classes over the summer to cover all the material due to be on the exam. We started with the Reagan Era and it didn't take long for me to realize Republicans were not for me. Then we talked about Clinton's crime bill and I wasn't too sure about Democrats either. This was two years into Obama's second term and I knew support for him in my house was fading too. As simplistic as this sounds, I really thought: if the republicans didn't care about black people, and the democrats didn't seem to care either, who did? Mixing resentment, pride and a loud mouth didn't make for the most principled Stephanie, but it did allow me to vocalize my frustrations. With Reaganomics, with capitalism, with prisons, with black boy death. Be it my teacher knowing many of the sentiments shared here or simply my being black, he asked me to read the Black Panthers' Ten Point Program. And my, oh my, did I find home there.

These were policy makers. These were the people who had the guts to demand, the power to make some changes. Fred Hampton, Stokely Carmichael, Angela Davis and their inspirations in Fanon, DuBois - I found inspiration in them too. I was going to be whatever they were. Policy makers for their community. I was going to learn from them.

From there, I became incredibly elitist. But, I could also answer to the beauty of my blackness. Like many children decades before me, Black would be a political title - one of love and resistance, love in resistance. This elitism carried me into my first year of university. I glowered at anyone who admired the works of Jefferson in my Political Theory class (as if I had not done the same), I scuffed at Alexis de Tocqueville and every other white dude we were made to read. But, I wasn't acting in an antiracist framework. I was still resentful. I was still behind the glass. Now I was just shouted silently at the silk dresses and cotton scarves. But I still wanted to feel them.

Really, it wasn't until Beloved that I could begin a journey of understanding this embroiled joy of black womanhood. I realized how much I fought against my own happiness in the pursuit of a Me that I constantly tormented. As if this precariousness wasn't torment enough. Through Morrison, I was able to learn more about Angela Davis and the struggles her black womanhood had in the face of black men in her community. So many of my political thought leaders too were tormentors, liars, abusers. The men were wounded and bleeding, resented our zealous in the berries they picked. They said it was for us. We gave it to the community. They shame us for it. We bake our own pies, we feed our neighborhood and our neighborhood's resentment, our own deafening shame silences our collective ear, binds our collective feet. Once again, I tricked Me. You loved another abuser. Daydreamed of standing next to another tormentor. Admired another liar. How foolish to give your heart away again. Today, I begin to despair a bit when I think of my previous trajectory - so constantly struck by idol worship and never a Me that I had made for myself. But with Beloved - Oh my, to be so tenderly reminded that this body is mine. Just as it speaks to body(s) like mine, past and future. This heartbeat I feel expresses MY Joy, my sorrows, all mine. What a wonder it is to learn Me. She's waited so long to speak to me. I am so honored to hear her.

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lj-writes · 6 years

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What is, in your opinion, the biggest battle (Republic v. Mandalore, Republic v. Separatist, Rebellion v. Empire, Resistance V. First Order) in the entire Star Wars franchise, and how would you try to top all of them in your version of IX?

What an excellent question, and it really helped me focus my Episode IX feels. I’d say the Battle of Endor from RotJ was the biggest with significant resources thrown in on both sides with a ground battle element, though the Battles of Scarif and Yavin were IMO better written with higher emotional stakes.

My Episode IX could roll all those elements together and bring the trio of trilogies full circle to… the Second Battle of Tatooine! The existence and plans of the Galactic Union have been revealed, and while it has failed to take Coruscant the worlds loyal to the Union have declared their allegiance. The Republic is split in two and turning on itself, while Mandalore faces an impossible dilemma: Must it fight its own stolen children? See also my alternate Episodes VII (link) and VIII (link).

The action would be divided into three parts: space battle over Tatooine, ground battle on Tatooine, and an uprising plot with Finn turning the Union’s Crusaders. The newly reinstated Chancellor Leia Organa together with Admiral Ackbar leads the Republic forces to Tatooine and Geonosis space, where the Galactic Union had been hiding a large part of its fleet and personnel now ready to deploy and take Naboo, Takodana, Jakku, Hosnia and more.

Leia implores Boba Fett for help, but the Mandalorians have their own problems. The part of the Republic now loyal to the Union is continuing the assault against the Mandalorians, tying them down. The Mandalorians are also hesitant to fight the main body of the Galactic Union and the Crusaders who were revealed to be Mandalorians stolen as children. Unable to count on Mandalorian help Leia nevertheless continues to Tatooine, Lando’s fleet from Bespin joining hers. Poe and Black Squadron have scouted the area and report back that the Union fleet are close to deploying. Luke has already been on his home planet a while, brokering a peace treaty between the Republic and the various factions on Tatooine with the help of C3PO (link).

Rey is on a separate mission looking for Finn. Finn himself, imprisoned and being reconditioned, tries desperately to hang onto his sense of self. Rey senses his pain and resolve, and dives into a dangerous defunct hyperspace route in search of him. She makes it through a hyperspace storm that she barely steers the Falcon through before finding herself in a regular hyperspace route alongside the Union flagship. They drop into normal space and so does she, and is tractored on board. Taken prisoner and facing Kylo Ren with the Knights of Ren arrayed around him, she finds Finn–standing guard next to Kylo, staring straight ahead, not seeming to hear her pleas. Ren offers her a place in the Union and she refuses. Ren then orders Finn to fight Rey, and during the fight reveals to her that Finn’s father killed her parents. Rey realizes he’s telling the truth and fights back in hate and rage until she realizes she is falling to the Dark Side and, remembering her love for Finn, throws down her saber.

Ren orders Finn to kill Rey and he marches forward, seemingly about to strike her down before he turns his attack on Phasma. He had been repeating a phrase drilled into him, a Mandalorian motto that the Union had stolen and twisted around, and held onto it while he was being reconditioned. Now, with the revelation of his heritage by Ren, his memories rush back and he remembers his fathers, his sense of belonging, Mandalore in whose ways he had been brought up all along though in a way that was twisted to serve his kidnappers. He rallies the Crusaders, reminding them that they are Mandalorians even though they were stolen and bred as weapons. They are not weapons, however, they are warriors. Some of the Crusaders rally to him, others turn on them, and there is enough confusion for Finn and Rey to escape with the freed Mandalorians and damage the flagship in the process.

Back on Tatooine the Tatooine Alliance of Hutts, Jawas, Tuskens, and farmers attack the Union ships and supplies, destroying a significant number of ships before they can launch. Luke is in the thick of the fray, with C3PO complaining about how disorderly everything is and also directing a droids for espionage and sabotage.

In the space above Tatooine Leia and Lando’s fleet shoot down the Union fleet while Ackbar blocks off the perimeter with mines and bombers. The Union fleet is still an enormous force and are wearing down the Republic fleet. They need help and have nowhere to expect it from.

On Mandalore, the warriors are defending the home world from Union forces while a Union dreadnought moves into position for bombardment from orbit, a move that would wipe out all life on the surface. At that desperate hour more Union ships emerge from hyperspace and it looks like all is lost–but these are the free Mandalorian warriors led by Finn and they fall on the Dreadnought, destroying it! Finn informs the Mandalorians by comm of what happened. Watching this brave young man, Idrian Fett and Teros Kryze are gripped by the strangest feeling of recognition while telling themselves it can’t be. The Mandalorians together send the Union fleet into a route.

The Mandalorians must now decide whether to stay and protect their homeworld or go to Leia and the Republic’s aid. Finn argues that they must save the Republic’s fleet. The Union’s entire strategy consisted of sowing dissension between the Republic and the Mandalorians, and it is only together that they can win the day. Idrian, thinking of the long-ago tragedy his own anger caused, backs him up, convincing the Mandalore.

Over Tatooine Lando personally shoots down a number of ships at the head of the Bespin fleet. Leia crashes enemy starships together using the Force. Ackbar’s defense never wavers, despite great sacrifices. Droid-piloted ships crash into the enemy, leaving holes in their lines. Poe and Black Squadron bring down a capital ship. If the Republic is to fall here, they will make every death count to at least give a fighting chance to the rest of the galaxy.

That is when new Union ships arrive, alongside Mandalorian ships! There is confusion for a moment before they realize the Mandalorian cavalry is here, and the day seems to be theirs.

Meanwhile, the Tatooine Alliance back on the surface of the planet discover among the captured Union equipment some kind of regulator that is connected to one of Tatooine’s suns. Luke is stunned when he realizes that, essentially, the suns of Tatooine have been turned into bombs. The Union must have been waiting for their enemies to gather in one place and one of the suns will engulf the entire system in twenty minutes, setting off the other in a chain reaction.

Luke warns Leia to get the fleet out of harm’s way while he attempts to evacuate the planet, but when none of the ships can jump into hyperspace they realize that the Union has blocked off hyperspace travel in the area.

Then Kylo Ren’s Union flagship bursts into normal space. Ren informs his mother by comm that this system is about to be destroyed and he will take her away, installing her as the political head of the new Union to rule the galaxy as she sees fit–as she deserves to, as their family deserves to after all it has done for the universe. Leia flat-out refuses, saying she won’t be a puppet front for a mass murdering regime. She urges her son to stop the bomb and Kylo is angry with her, berating her for her ingratitude when he has paid such a high price for her. He tries to tractor and drag her ship into hyperspace, but she orders thrusters reversed and holds fast.

Ren, now panicked at the thought of losing his mother as well as his father, leads a boarding party to her ship to extract her. When the hatch opens he is greeted by Finn and his Mandalorian warriors who jump into battle with Ren and his Knights.

Meanwhile Rey is on the Falcon, having hit on a plan with Luke over the comm to try and open a hyperspace route to divert the solar flare from the first sun before it hits Tatooine and reaches the other sun in the system. Luke, with no time to join her physically, goes into Force meditation on Tatooine.

Finn and Ren have a rematch and it looks like Finn is done for when Ren disarms him. But Finn takes Ren’s lightsaber to replace his own, wins the fight, then pulls a T’Challa and captures Ren before he can kill himself. Ren needs to face a tribunal–and worse, his mother–for his crimes.

Together Rey and Luke manage to open a route into hyperspace and Rey disappears into it ahead of the flare, trapping it in hyperspace. Back on Tatooine Luke disappears in the light of the binary sunset, too much of his essence poured into the Force. Finn and the others watch and wait for Rey to emerge into normal space and contact them, but she doesn’t.

The battle won, the captured Union database gives the freed Mandalorians information of their origins and Finn reunites in an emotional scene with Idrian and Teros. Leia, unsmiling, tells an arrested Ben that he is grounded for life. A memorial is held for those lost in battle, and Rey’s name is among them.

After a time skip Finn is proclaiming the creation of a new joint force between the Republic and Mandalore to keep peace in the Outer Rim and root out slavery. At that moment a ship jumps out of hyperspace, its hull red-hot and visibly falling apart, and a giant gout of flame follows in its wake. Finn recognizes the Falcon and tells Rey through the Force to eject, which she does just before the Falcon is consumed by the flames and blows up. Told you my version of Finn solves far too many problems by ejecting people into space Finn blasts into space to catch her and they bring her in, burned, frostbitten, and barely conscious but clinging to Finn as she tells him she followed him home, his light burns so bright.

When Rey comes to she is safe and in treatment. Her right hand was damaged and had to replaced with a mechanical prosthesis. She is, little by little, introduced to the new reality and we learn it through her. The Galactic Union is in disarray, and Republic and Mandalorian forces are hunting them throughout space. Leia is working to pull the Republic back together and bring the pro-Union leaders to justice. Hearings are beginning on Ben’s trial. Rey talks about her own ordeal, how she was lost in space and time and thought she was going to die, how she found Finn’s Force signature in the maeltrom and made her way out.

Hesitantly Finn introduces Rey to his fathers, and Rey hears from Idrian himself what happened. She learns that her mother is alive, though comatose, and goes to see her in the same hospital. When Rey stands over her mother’s bed she and Finn both feel Irena trying to wake up and reach out to her daughter, and they clasp hands to join their Force powers and bring Irena back. You see glimpses of Force ghosts around the bed, Qui-Gonn, Obi-Wan, Yoda, Anakin, and Luke, helping them. Irena opens her eyes and, without a moment’s hesitation, calls her daughter’s name. They hug, camera pans out, credits.

#alternate sequel trilogy #alternate episode ix #fanfic #outline #ask #anon

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professorspork · 6 years

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I sometimes wonder if within the Star Wars universe, bringing balance to the force means being able to use both the Light and the Dark without falling 100% into either side. Like, Rey being pulled to the Dark because it has something she needs, but maintaining her moral compass and compassion and urge to do good. idk it always seemed odd that an order all about balance only placed emphasis on one side of the spectrum 1/2

Tho it might just be a misunderstanding on my part. Is the Dark a separate part of the Force that Force-sensitive people can manipulate, different from the Light part? Or is that just what it's called when you use the Force for purely selfish reasons? 2/2

oh my friend you have unleashed such a can of worms i am so sorry please bear with me.

there are two answers to your question, one of which is “what we get from the series so far” and the other one being My Obviously Correct Headcanons And Opinions.

In the past, the Dark Side has been pretty much exclusively categorized as “what happens when you use the Force for purely selfish reasons.” That power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, so the more you let your anger and resentment and personal need fuel your use of the Force, the more twisted you and it will become. that an act of weakness CREATES a darker seed of weakness within, to be continually exploited.

but that’s always been an inherently unsatisfactory definition--not because of what it implies about corruption, but because of what it identifies as the root of that corruption. it’s been frustrating as far back as Yoda’s lessons on Dagobah, where he told Luke that interfering in order to save his friends would make him vulnerable to the dark side for ???reasons??

It’s wrong to lash out in fear. It’s destructive to let your negative emotions be the sole source of your strength. all of that makes sense.

but where do you draw the line between selfishness and selflessness? Where do you find the boundaries on the spectrum from compassion, to caring, to possessiveness, to obsession?

the OT and PT never really gave us satisfactory answers to these questions--only vague pseudo-buddhist notions about how wanting things will make you miserable and terrible, probably, and that true balance means neutrality. means never having personal investment. and that’s just not how people work. so if we’re going by the idea that that’s the Jedi way, then yeah-- the Jedi do need to end.

but as Luke said-- the idea that the light side of the force will go away if the Jedi Order becomes obsolete is ridiculous.

so where does that leave us, in canon?

well, if the light side of the force stands for life, growth, connection, and peace, then that would seem to imply that the dark side must stand for death, decay, fractured society, and violence. this means that balance of the Force isn’t just some neutral value, because the Force itself isn’t value neutral. the Force isn’t weather--the Force is the collective intention and interconnectedness of all sentient consciousness. you can’t blame a hurricane for killing people because that’s just what hurricanes do. Hurricanes can’t decide. but people DO. and that’s what makes it the Dark Side of the Force--it’s the decisions behind the actions.

and yet.

so much of where the PT failed was that it did such a poor job of showing us what it actually set out to show us: how a good man, Anakin Skywalker, became corrupted by the dark side. what the PT ends up saying is “he wanted to end slavery so much that he became a fascist; he loved his mom and his wife and that made him Terrible.” which-- what the hell kind of lesson is that? We never actually saw that thing click in his head where it suddenly became okay for him to kill younglings. We watched it happen, but I never bought a moment where he gave in, because I never saw how his weaknesses as a good man--how his desire to protect and defend made him selfish and possessive--turn into something outright violent against people who had nothing to do with him. they never sold me on the connection.

but the sequels... they’re doing something different.

the consensus in the OT and PT seemed to be that it’s terrifyingly easy to succumb to the dark side. that you could be minding your own business having friends and wanting good safe things for them and one day you could trip and fall and that would turn you evil. i never vibed with that.

the ST, though... over and over again, what I see it saying is that it’s hard to be evil. It’s hard, and it sucks, and it kills everything good in you. that’s why Finn rejects it; that’s why Kylo Ren is so fucking miserable all the time. but it also demonstrates that there’s something so inherently compelling about using the Force to get what you want that once you’ve gone far enough, the idea of losing it is so incomprehensible you’d do anything--you’d do the worst thing--just to keep it from happening.

(Worth noting: the first Force power Rey ever uses is the Jedi Mind Trick. the first thing out of her mouth when Luke asks her what the Force is is “a way to make people do what you want.”)

it would be the easiest thing in the world for Ben Solo to be the golden boy of the Republic. that life was handed to him on a platter--all he had to do was stay there. all he had to do was take it. even now, Rey is still telling him: the door is open. the life you left behind is right there, waiting for you, needing you, if only you’d be willing to do the work to take it back.

so much of Kylo’s dialogue is talking about how he feels conflict, the pull towards the light, how his only goal is to kill the good in him, kill the past, kill all his ties to his obligation to morality. but it’s a constant fucking struggle for him. you don’t just trip and fall into evil. you have to choose it, every day.

and if that’s true--that tells me so much more about “the dark side” than the other films ever did. it’s not that caring is a curse, because Ben Solo killed his caring a long time ago. it’s that once you’ve had a taste of whatever it is that made Kylo Ren powerful enough to stop a blaster shot in midair and hold it there for five minutes, while carrying on an entire, quite distracting conversation--that once you have that, it digs so deep in you you can’t give it up. it’s a disease, the same way that an addiction is a disease. and with the Force behind it, it has the power to feed itself.

and you’ll never get well from an illness you have no interest in a cure for. so you keep digging deeper into the dark, because even if it’s hard, even if it tears you apart inside, the dark can give you things the light never will. and most of all, it’s convinced you that those are the things you should want.

what i think we might be heading towards--what i would LOVE to see us heading towards-- is the conclusion that we’ve been incorrectly defining the Dark Side this whole time.

if I have a rope, I can use it as a lifeline or as a noose. that doesn’t tell me anything about the rope. it tells me about me.

Evil corrupts. Malice makes you strike first, strike hardest, strike in arbitrary anger. Trauma warps your sense of reality and makes it hard to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy, between acting for for your own survival and actively undermining your own self-interest. Wrath makes you act so that the punishment far outstrips the crime. Jealousy tells you that the things you love belong to you. Hate makes you want to destroy the things you don’t understand. Vengefulness makes you mistake personal satisfaction for justice.

but the Force... I don’t think the Force does any of that. it can be used as a vehicle to get you there faster, but that doesn’t mean that part of the Force is dark and used for dark things only. It means that you MAKE it dark when you USE it for the dark.

Balance means harmony, not discord. the Force in balance needs must tend toward the light not because death is evil and must be avoided at all costs, but because life, uninterrupted until its natural end, is life as life was intended.

death isn’t the dark side. death is the Force in balance.

murder is the dark side, because it’s using the Force for something it was never meant to be used for, on purpose, for wrong, for personal gain. and no wonder it’s powerful, because the Force is always powerful--it’s all life and thought and spirit that exists! but that doesn’t mean the Force wants you to do a certain amount of bad things and the universe would fall apart otherwise. it means the Force needs people to tell the difference, because that’s all the Force has ever been: the interconnectedness of sentience.

the Force doesn’t tell us what to think. we tell it what to think. and the Force doesn’t need murder any more than people do.

*collapses.*

#OH GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE FINALLY BEEN FORCED TO ARTICULATE THIS #THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME PERMISSION TO DO THAT #star wars #star wars spoilers #the last jedi #the last jedi spoilers #the force #karatam

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blueincandescence · 6 years

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A Non-Toxic Reading of TLJ

http://scavengersholocron.com/category/home/why-the-last-jedi-isnt-just-bad-its-toxic/

This article — “Why The Last Jedi isn’t just Bad: It’s Toxic” — is going around tumblr as the best compilation of TLJ’s faults. I read it eagerly, hoping to understand what I missed. It’s a very thoughtful read and it made me think a lot about my assumptions.

I still feel that there is a valid non-toxic reading of TLJ, because the arguments are predicated on two beliefs that I simply don’t share.

1) Kylo Ren is portrayed as sympathetic.

I never felt that. Fuck Kylo Ren. He gets a deeper backstory. Luke isn’t perfect. It’s more complicated. Blah, blah. In the end, he isn’t redeemed; his redemption is shown to be a lost cause.

From the article:

In other words, there’s nothing relatable when you think about a wealthy white male growing up sure of his place in the world and deciding to leave it all behind to join a fascist organization.

Exactly! That’s what the movie shows.

So the argument is that Johnson says that Kylo “is relatable because of his angst.” And, yeah, that piece may be somewhat relatable to some people. I find it insufferable and I’ve been rolling my eyes at this trash character from day one. But he’s a perfect example of millennial fascism. Kylo Ren is the living embodiment of, “Cool story, bro. It’s still murder.”

But wait, wouldn’t that mean that Rey’s entire role in the movie basically focused on developing Kylo Ren as a character? It does, and you wouldn’t be wrong to think that way.

I was pretty checked out during the Rey/Ren scenes and was really hoping they would go nowhere. Which they did! Rey does the Luke Skywalker thing of trying to save the villain but the villain doesn’t want to be saved because he is the worst so she leaves him to his fate. Subverted!

The Kylo Ren I watched on screen is not sympathetic. He’s pathetic. Will that stop shippers from glorifying him? No, but Rey rejects Kylo’s millennial fascism our-version-of-Nazisim-is-different-we’ll-be-benevolent-violent-dictators bullshit outright, so they’re still stuck in la la land.

2) That characters have to be perfect for us to love them.

They don’t! Heroes are fallible! NO ONE IS PERFECT. We all have lessons to learn. The good guys in this movie learn their lessons and become more admirable. The bad guys (spoiler! Kylo Ren) do not learn their lesson and doom themselves.

Finn:

Again, from the article:

Until The Last Jedi where Finn is again painted as selfish and cowardly, and the film does not shy away from this fact.

Here’s some meta I wrote about Finn’s arc in TLJ. Finn’s arc isn’t that he’s a coward who becomes brave. It’s that he’s mistrustful of causes. Why on earth should he put his life on the line for the Resistance? Finn sees the world as morally gray. He tries to leave in TFA because he wants to live and, after all the terrible things he’s been through, he deserves it. His arc is about coming to terms with his identity as “rebel scum.”

Not to mention, it’s Rose who ultimately has to teach Finn about the seedy belly of Canto Bight and how it operates: through slave labor. Another character shouldn’t have to explain to Finn, of all characters, the tortures and ills of slavery. After all, that’s the only life Finn’s known, taken as his family and raised in a life of servitude as a Stormtrooper to the First Order.

Rose doesn’t teach Finn about the horrors of slavery. She prompts him to see it under the glitz and glamour of a freedom he’s never gotten to enjoy. The instant Finn realizes that slavery and torture are behind Canto Bright he rejects the whole place. Precisely because he doesn’t need to be taught that. His experience of slavery is much more stark and, well, fascist than Rose’s. But he never tries to deny that they’re equally bad.

Finn is tempted by the gray side. But Benecio’s character snaps him out of that funk right quick. He takes his place as a leader of the Resistance. Destiny doesn’t tell him he has to be. No one passes on the mantle. He figures out what his morality is and makes a stand. That’s heroic!

Poe:

Painting him as a cocky flyboy with a chip on his shoulder just doesn’t work when it goes against everything we’ve been told about his character. The “lesson” Poe was supposed to learn was one he already knew.

What do we learn about Poe in TFA? He’s the best and he has the ear of General Leia. The rest is fanon and outside texts that a fraction of the audience have read. Poe is reckless in the way that action movies reward all male heroes for being.

I didn’t feel less sympathetic toward Poe because of this. The whole plot is predicated on the idea that the audience will be on Poe’s side and mistrust Holdo. Poe is the character we care about, so it’s a surprise to learn that he can be wrong. In that way, “the action-oriented hero saves the day” trope is deconstructed.

Is it done well? Eh. The Holdo plot was contrived. There needed to be a better reason to keep the info secret — some stuff about spies or whatever, fine. Make an effort. But Holdo’s mistake makes us more sympathetic to Poe, even though he’s wrong his heart was in the right place.

That’s precisely why he is rewarded in the end with command of the entire Resistance from General Leia herself. He’s learned that the best strategy for the Resistance is not the one that does the most damage to the First Order — the Resistance protects its people whenever humanly possible.

This is the feminist (in the philosophical sense; not the guy vs. girl bullshit) identity of the resistance that sets it apart from the masculine military-industrial complex the film abhors: Life is sacred. But, as we learn through Finn’s arc, choosing to put your life on the line is a heroic act. And thus we have balance. Finn and Poe make some mistakes along the way, but they end up exactly where they should be: The Leaders of the Resistance.

Rose:

Despite Kelly Marie Tran’s boundless enthusiasm for her role, Rose Tico is ultimately underwhelming as a character. Despite mourning the death of her sister, her ultimate presence in the film seemed to be reduced to a girl with a bad crush on Finn.

No!!!!!! Rose is fabulous. Rose stands up for herself at all times. Rose goes from hero worship to taser in ten seconds flat. And yes tasering a black man is in horrible taste given the world we live in. What standing up to Finn demonstrates about her character is that she’s representative of Ride or Die Resistance. She knows the world and its horrors. She mourns her sister but she’s proud as hell. She understands she’s only a tech but when she has expertise in something she doesn’t let the two most famous men in the Resistance talk over her.

Her crush on Finn is active. When Finn disappoints her, her conception of him changes. When Finn amazes her, her feelings take root. She does something about her crush. She saves his life. She kisses him. Rey is no longer the center of Finn’s universe. His capacity care grows and he grows, too. He still feels for Rey, sure, but Rose Tico is amazing and he knows it and the audience knows it.

...

All that said.

I will acknowledge that it is entirely possible I’m giving the movie too much credit. Maybe I'm willfully interpreting things not as they were meant, but as I would like them to be.

But isn’t that how fiction works?

I’m not saying TLJ is a perfect film or I wouldn’t have wanted less Kylo (please, lord, give me less Kylo). I would never say that other people’s interpretation of the film’s racism and misogyny is wrong. I’m going to continue to read articles on this topic and educate myself and try to grow in my understanding.

But is it wrong to celebrate the message I left the theater with if I can point to concrete moments and ways I read it as progressive? Is it wrong for me to love these characters and see the best in their arcs?

#the last jedi #rose tico #finn #poe dameron #star wars meta #star wars #star wars the last jedi #bluesaid #may the queue be with you

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kunkutarpulla · 6 years

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Rant: 18 things white people seem not to understand (because white privilege)

Hello, everyone! Since “white privilege” is a famous topic in this century, let’s talk about it. I took the text from Macy Sto. Domingo.

Remember guys: I’m not mocking her or hating her because of her skin color. Racism isn’t accepted. I despise her as a person.

I was originally going to post this on deviantART, but I post it in Tumblr instead, because these people need to listen the voice of reason.

Let’s start.

“I don’t wake up every morning with the intention of pissing you off, I swear, and whether or not you believe it, I’m here to help you. “

No, you’re here to show how stupid and ignorant you are, since you’re talking about something non-existent like white privilege.

“I want you to recognize that on a daily basis, you hold a set of advantages and immunities that are a direct result of the oppression of people of colour. “

No one in civilized countries like the USA isn’t advantaged or immune because of their skin color. Stop disgracing Albert Fish’ black child victims or Native Americans who were slaughtered by pioneers.

“That doesn’t sound nice, does it? Makes you squirm in your chair a bit and maybe feel a little uncomfortable, right?”

More like annoyed.

“But here’s the thing – I’m not here to make you feel comfortable, that’s not my job. I’m here to erase the invisibility of the privileges you have that continue to help maintain white supremacy.“

African slavery and apartheid already ended in the USA. Racism doesn’t equal white privilege. Using single racism cases to “prove” white privilege exists in the USA is like using single child abuse cases to “prove” oppression on children exists in the USA.

“I’m here to show you what your White Privilege is.”

I can show you what white privilege is.

“White privilege (or white skin privilege) is a term for societal privileges that benefit people identified as white in some countries, beyond what is commonly experienced by non-white people under the same social, political, or economic circumstances.”

Is anyone tolerating discrimination? No. There are no discrimination laws in your society, everyone are treated equally, no matter with the skin color. Do you have non-white politicians? Yes. You even had one as a president. Can black folks be rich? Yes. There are for example 29 black rich celebrities in US we all love and know. And do you know what’s funny? Asian people are getting richer and richer in America, they have highest study rankings and they have the best possibilities to get a job. Yes, even whites are losers compared to them. Why don’t you invent a new word and call it “Asian privilege?”

“1. White Privilege is being able to move into a new neighborhood and being fairly sure that your neighbors will be pleasant to you and treat you with respect.”

That’s called been able to move where ever you want and get good treatment, and it has nothing to do with white privilege. Except in some African countries, where white-only cities and discrimination laws are still common. Why don’t you go there to complain about white privilege? Oh, I forgot. You’re an SJW. Their lives don’t matter, because they don’t concern around you and your first world problems. My mistake! ;P

“2. White Privilege is being able to watch a movie, read a book and open the front page of a newspaper and see yourself and your race widely represented and spoken for.”

Show me one recent movie or book where white race is praised, and other races are mocked. And praising a one single person doesn’t equal praising a whole race. Donald Trump gets lots of negative criticizing for being an asshole and he’s white.

“3. White Privilege is being able to seek legal, financial and medical help without having your race work against you.”

That’s corruption, not white privilege. Just like money, corruption knows no skin color. There are still places where gays aren’t allowed to donate blood, because people still believe in that ridiculous AIDS myth. And in the “Bible belt”, Atheists aren’t allowed to hold the office. In Oklahoma, they can’t even get married. And there are much more Atheists can’t do, because they’re Atheists. Majority of gays and Atheists are, surprise surprise, white. Where’s that white privilege you’re talking about now?

“4. White Privilege is living in a world where you are taught that people with your skin tone hold the standard for beauty.”

No. They. Don’t. Every country has their own beauty standards and they change according to the culture, and they have nothing to do with skin color.

- In Ehtiopia’s Karo tribe, women create scars to their bodies, because body scars are considered beautiful, and they help you to get a husband.

- In Kenia’s Masai tribe, long eardrops and shaved heads are attractive.

- In Burma and Thaiwan, long, giraffe-like necks are an ultimate sign of beauty.

- In China, Thailand and Japan, being pale as a porcelain doll is considered beautiful. In Japan, women avoid the sun, while in China and Thailand; women are whitening their skin with skin-care products. Whitening skin was a thing before whites even came there.

- Maoris in New Zealand, take face tattoos.

- In Mauritania, being overweight is beautiful. That what SJWs like you love. My God, that’s cultural appropriation! Majority of overweight SJWs are white, so they have to go lose weight quickly!

- In Iran, surgical bandages are the most beautiful thing ever. It’s a sign of their social status and their path on the route to beauty.

- In India, women decorate their skins with beautiful paintings for festivals and celebrations.

- In Japan, stick straight hair has always been a norm and a sign of beauty. Again, noting to do with white people.

If white skin tone holds the standard for beauty, these beauty standards I mentioned wouldn’t exist.

“5. White Privilege is never being told to, “get over slavery”.”

Because white slavery is never talked about in school. Believe me, if it was, we would get a comment like “Our enslavement was worse than yours, get over it.” White Brittish sailors were kidnapped and sold as slaves in Africa. White women have been sold to Arab sultans. Germanians and Gallians were enslaved by Romans. Europeans ran serfdom. And the term “slave” originated from Slavic language, because majority of the slaves were white. Read history.

“6. White Privilege is having the prevalence and importance of the English language and finding amusement in ridiculing people of colour/immigrants for their accents and their difficulty in speaking a language that is not their native tongue.”

English is important language, because it’s an international communication language. Whenever you’re white or not, you must to study it. And if you move to country where people speak different language (France, Turkey, China), of course you study their native tongue. I’m a Finn, which means my native tongue is Finnish. But I still have to study both English and Swedish, which aren’t my native tongues, because English is important and Swedish is compulsory.

“7. White Privilege is arrogantly believing that reverse racism actually exists.”

Reverse racism isn’t a real term. It’s just racism. And yes, racism on white people actually exists.

Are you denying how Brits referenced Irish as “white niggers” or how they can’t go to heaven because of their hair color? Or that how Finns were savages in pioneers’ eyes just like Native Americans? Are you saying white Romanians aren’t Romanians? Or Albert Einstein and Anne Frank weren’t Jews, because they’re white? Or Sami are less important, because they’re white? History has lots of examples of anti-white racism. In American universities, white people’s rights are limited because of their skin color. How that’s not racist? And what about BLM? They hold lots of anti-white ideals, shout anti-white slogans like “Hunting season on whitey” and have even committed crimes for them. Just go to YouTube or any other sites you know and see what bad things they have done. And Asia has the most racist people; they don’t allow non-Asian immigration at all.

You are racist for denying existence of racism on white people and saying only whites can be racist.

“8. White Privilege is being able to stay ignorant to the fact that racial slurs are part of a systematic dehumanization of entire groups of people who are and have historically been subjugated and hated just for being alive.”

More like vice versa: You can say “cracker” without being labeled as a racist. But if we say “nigger”, we are racist, even though we wouldn’t be.

8 mile, albino, blue-eyed devil, cracker, dog-fucker, egg, flour bag, gringo, haole, ivory, Johnny Red, lobster, maggot, nigger magnet, ofay, pig-fucker, redneck, serial killer, tornado bate, umlungu, vamp, white trash, yogurt and zeeb.

Guess what these are? Racial slurs against white people. And that’s not even all of them. You can view the whole list in rsbd.com.

“9. White Privilege is not having your name turned into an easier-to-say Anglo-Saxon name.”

My name isn’t Anglo-Saxon, it’s Finnish. Nordics also had to adopt Anglo-Saxon names to use when they were baptized to Christianity, which originates from THE MIDDLE EAST, not Europe. You’re not that special.

“10. White Privilege is being able to fight racism one day, then ignore it the next.”

If you oppose racism, you always oppose racism. If you support racism, you always support racism. Political side isn’t a piece of cloth you change every day. It’s on your side for the rest of your life.

“11. White privilege is having your words and actions attributed to you as an individual, rather than have them reflect members of your race.”

Actually yes. People can referenced for saying “that white person” or “that black person”, and there’s nothing wrong with that. People do that, because they want everyone to know who they are talking about.

12. White Privilege is being able to talk about racism without appearing self-serving.

I don’t understand. How is a black girl who’s taking about her misery self-serving? That doesn’t make any sense.

“13. White Privilege is being able to be articulate and well-spoken without people being surprised.”

Show me one case where non-white person surprised everyone for being intelligent, because I have never seen a reaction like that in my whole life.

“14. White Privilege is being pulled over or taken aside and knowing that you are not being singled out because of your race/colour.”

Morgan Freeman is known as his own person, and he’s black. People love him, because he’s wise and knows what he’s talking about. They don’t give a shit about his skin color.

“15. White Privilege is not having to teach your children to be aware of systematic racism for their own protection.”

My God, don’t make me laugh! Everyone can be racist towards everyone, that’s how human race works. Learn the definition of racism and stop being so biased. And if you’re afraid to go out, study self-defense or move to safer place.

“16. White Privilege is not having to acknowledge the fact that we live in a system that treat people of colour unfairly politically, socially and economically and choosing, instead, to believe that people of colour are inherently less capable.”

We acknowledge that as well. How do you think there are white people in anti-racist organizations, if they deny the existence of racism?

“17. White Privilege is not having your people and their culture appropriated, romanticized or eroticized for the gain and pleasure of other white people.”

Firstly, we’re not claiming we own dream catchers, sombreros or kimonos. It’s not cultural appropriation. It’s cultural appreciation. You’re confusing us with Hitler.

Secondly, Kim Jong-un claims he invented hamburgers and sauna to spread the propaganda about that how great he is. These two are from white cultures.

Thirdly,

- Medieval Age is romanticized all the time.

- There are overly sexualized Viking and Scottish outfits.

- German Oktoberfest leads tourists all around the world.

- Sylvanian Families toys romanticize 50s’ England.

- Italian pizza has become majority’s favorite food.

- Greek cheese, olives and wines have lost of popularity everywhere.

- Finnish “Ievan Polkka” and Swedish “Carameldansen” are hits in Japan.

All these examples are from white cultures. This should also be cultural appropriation, according to your logic. Over 90 % of everyday stuff we do is cultural appreciation. Don’t oppose cultural appreciation if you support multiculturalism, hypocrite.

“18. White Privilege is being able to ignore the consequences of race.”

That’s simply called being racist, not having white privilege.

I know what white people have done in the past, and as a white person, I’m sorry about it. But every race in the world history has done exactly the same thing, even to people of their own color. This doesn’t give you any privilege to be racist today’s generation because of that what their ancestors did.

As a Finn, I understand what your ancestors have faced. Finns have been oppressed by Swedes and Russians in their history. And also kidnapped elsewhere to slavery.

I don’t hate modern generation of Swedes and Russians, or descendants of other oppressors, because it’s not their fault what happened. Without them, Finland wouldn’t be what it’s today. I have forgiven that, because it’s in the past. You should do the same.

Sorry hun. With your claims you just proved me white privilege doesn’t exist. That text was illogical, ignorant, arrogant and annoying, and it was difficult to take seriously. My final rank is 0/5.

Poverty rate (change percents into numbers): https://www.kff.org/other/state-indicator/poverty-rate-by-raceethnicity/?dataView=undefined&sortModel=%7B%22colId%22:%22Other%22,%22sort%22:%22desc%22%7D

History of Ireland: http://www.libraryireland.com/HistoryIreland/Title.php

History of Finland: http://motherearthtravel.com/history/finland/index.htm

History of Poland: http://www.intopoland.com/poland-info/history-of-poland.html

Finndians: https://brucemineincident.wordpress.com/related-places-of-interest-2/finndians/

Sami people: https://intercontinentalcry.org/new-finnish-forestry-act-could-mean-the-end-of-sami-reindeer-herding/

Barbary slave trade: https://face2faceafrica.com/article/the-shocking-history-of-enslavement-of-1-5-million-white-europeans-in-north-africa-in-the-16th-century

Ottoman Empire: https://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/islam/history/ottomanempire_1.shtml

Mongol Empire: https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-13e0517e00721e2bcff06236f46edc75

Armenian Genocide: https://www.history.com/topics/world-war-i/armenian-genocide

Political oppression in Iran (as far as I know some Iranians have white skin): https://www.hrw.org/world-report/2017/country-chapters/iran

Nazis and Jewish Holocaust: https://www.ushmm.org/wlc/en/article.php?ModuleId=10008193

Anti-Semitism: https://www.britannica.com/topic/anti-Semitism

German culture: https://www.livescience.com/44007-german-culture.html

French culture: https://www.livescience.com/39149-french-culture.html

Russian culture: https://www.livescience.com/44154-russian-culture.html

Commercial of Japanese toys: https://image.rakuten.co.jp/ribbon-m/cabinet/epoch/sylvanian/dh-05_01.jpg

Sign which says “No Spanish or Mexicans allowed”, and as far as I know, Spanish people are white. http://www.texasstandard.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/03.Photo_No_Mexicans_Allowed1.jpg

Video about enslaving Slavics (Note: It’s a two-parter): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IILgM74iYZQ

Yes, racism against white people exists in South Africa. I don’t play favorites here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jq0GReiZyKc

McDonald’s in the Middle East: https://delhi4cats.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/saudi-queu.jpg

Asian little girl eating pizza: https://d3jkudlc7u70kh.cloudfront.net/children-eating-pizza.jpg

Black kids celebrating St. Patrick’s Day: http://annandamy.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/St.PatsParade_kids.jpeg

POC woman in Viking outfit: https://images.halloweencostumes.com/products/22657/1-1/womens-forest-princess-costume.jpg

Ievan Polka from 1937: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myzO3eZh22E

Ievan Polka from 1952: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8fW2n_ma9Y

Original Caramelldansen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBOWWbCf-KU

That’s all, folks.

#white priveledge #cultural marxism #cultural appropriation #anti sjw #anti pc #sjws are cancer #sjw cringe #sjw logic #sjw stupidity

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imahedonisticworm-blog · 6 years

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Saturday’s inanity

I have been thinking lately maybe I should revise and expand my English vocabulary since there was a moment during a dull conversation which I could not find a word to conjure my thoughts. I have to admit I have been passively learning English for the past twelve years and currently, this process is hauled.

I’ve been reading a lot and some people could say that mine was a passive reading style. I can vaguely understand the big picture but not the peculiarity of the writer’s subliminal message. That was why I found Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain was assertively supporting the institution of slavery even though the main character had shown a liberal personality. My ex-crush (Ouch!!!) told me to be able to comprehend the obscure humor of Mark Twain, one needs to be very impartial. I think I favored his opinions again, but then, again and again, that’s why he was my crush and now an ex-crush (things never work out between us) since we share the commonality but we are living in two different dimensions. Our paths will never cross each other despite my restless effort of trying to alter the movement of the universe.

I got my first boyfriend when I was fourteen. He was one year older than me and we went to the same secondary school. We simply knew each other through friends, and for the record, I was unintentionally stealing him from one of the girls in our clique. (What?) He obviously saw her as his younger sister, and when I declared my fanciness towards him, she was voluntarily supporting me (then went home and wept a torrent, who knew?!). He asked me out eventually, and we dated for almost one year and a half. First love sucks. It was a terrible experience compared to when you go to the dentist and constantly feeling uptight. It was like that because my parents used to act like NSA agents. They thought I was too young to be in a relationship and there was a thing going on with the Asian’s Tiger Mom cliché. They forbade me from hanging out with him, sneakily checked my phone for any suspicious text, and seized my social life. I was dealing with my puberty crisis and their acts just exacerbated the situation. I still secretly skipped school to meet up with him and asked my loyal girlfriends to cover my ass. My ex-boyfriend could be considered a heartthrob but now he looks like a sunburned leprechaun. My height is average for a girl but he’s would be is an oddity for a boy. I was in love, or maybe I was under teenage sedation. Our dating spot was usually a home theater where we could actually be alone (we didn’t go there just to watch movies 3 times per week?!). The luring lights from the screen contrasted with the dark had freed me from reality, into an artificial galaxy, into nothingness. When I was with him, time would stop, only us in a swimming pool full of sunshine and breeze. I would melt like butter on pancakes and his kiss was as tempted as maple syrup. While he was there, my sun, as I was a forgotten planet in greed of warmness. All of these infatuations never happened with him, and I was glad my mind was not infected by his presence. I do not hold any grudge against him. We were not what we expected. He seemed to be a nice person, he still does, but his biggest flaw was his flirtatious characteristic and damn, I was a skeptical bitch. We bickered every day until we broke up through text. We are acquaintances now, there were some occasional conversations, but that’s all. He said that we weren’t meant to be. I said that I’m just an intrigued ethereal piece of puzzle which would never fit in his mediocre picture of life.

The second person to whom I devoted my time and mind was my high-school crush. I was a freshman and he had just started his senior year, we did not have much time left. Again, I joined another clique and this time all the girls fancied him. I was completely ignorant from the outset until one day, I decided that he was acceptably cute. He was very typical, member of the school’s basketball team, played cajón in a band, pretty good with English and was friends with other handsome guys (pls, he’s not gay). A perfect heterosexual target for any freshman girls. I was in the game of chatting, flirting, and competing against one of my girlfriends. No one won, but I lost. I ended up sabotaging my friendship and he ended up dating one of his classmates while toying with my feelings. I might have wasted my time on him. I joined the basketball team, I learned pen-tapping, I listened to rap and rock music, I went to school early and stayed overtime, hid behind 3rd-floor corridor secretly watched him playing basketball, all for his attention. I sounded like a stalker but I did not have any voodoo doll (yet?!) or photos of him for masturbating purpose(?!). My love for him was pure. It was soft like cotton candy, and melt in one’s mouth, leaving no traces (He did not know about my affection until years later). I kept texting him and hoping one day I would become somewhat important, but I eventually turned into his incidental past. He was aware of my fondness, he directly stated that you should date somebody else, stop having a crush on me. He should be praised for being truthful and I should have been attentive to those indications. Love is trivial. One day you make up your mind and decide that’s enough, I’m so done with this bullshit or you would just be like me, having this inane hope that it was all a lapse, I can come back and fix everything. Every time I read a love-like niche meme on social media or listening to pop songs with jejune meanings, they remind me of him, provoke poignancy in me. He was exquisite. I was just busy chasing his upside-down shadow that I forgot he was no longer a high-school sweetheart and I was no longer a carefree freshman.

We are grown-up now and dealing with heartbreaks is time-consuming. We would meet, compromise our differentiated personalities, interlock our bodies in unison, generate progeny, bequeath our intelligence and knowledge to our offspring then finally decay into thin air. Human is an ephemeral organism. We exist to witness our prominent moments and let ourselves incinerated by time. Still, we overbear our life with self-deception.

#write

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