#let alone post it myself
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i have started asking myself “how can i make this more fun?” in regards to the things i have to do and it is such a small difference but it brings me so much delight
#🍜#sagittarius posting#but really like i just let myself stim however i want and i let myself do my weird silly harmless stuff#i used to be sooooo self conscious even when all alone! so this has been making me feel braver in a weird and unexpected way#i love joy i will never stop seeking it out!!!#ok to rb#🦠
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their love language is deploying earnest affection but like as psychological warfare
#succession#shiv roy#roman roy#THE LIL KISS IN S4E1 REALLY GOT ME!!! big win for shivroman twins truthers#also: still recovering from a wrist injury i've had since like late dec and it's driving me bonkers bc i can barely draw commissions#let alone anything else. so im easing myself back into posting art with silly low pressure doodles <3#roy siblings#horreurart
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pov you’re the wither and you have about 30 seconds to live
(the marks under his eye just say ‘RIP’ in sga/enchantment table language if anyone was curious)
#my art#witchcraft smp#smajor95#i just thought it was funny seeing as his whole deal is not letting people do that#the idea was actually that he was *about* to summon the wither which is why the sword’s in his off hand you know what nobody cares topsy#the witchcraft smp kinda got me tho ngl i literally have like 4 things i want to draw from this episode alone#i keep saying this but i really need to start just posting stuff and not letting myself finish it bc i want to draw so many#and frankly almost none of it needs to be polished but i keep getting carried away and not having time for other drawings >:[#i even do this fully aware that people in general like sketches *more* than finished stuff! my brain doesn’t care!#anyway enough about me how about those block game witches
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Sworn Partners at their weekly Dreamland protection strategy meeting
#-coughs up sugar packets- I am on some kind of sweet fluffy ship streak these days oh my lord#I never EVER thought id get to the point where id pubicly post fluff let alone this often but here we are. HERE WE ARE.#HAPPY BIRTHDAY META KNIGHT#sorry I didn't have anything more substantial prepared but alas I am a desk sitter with woefully little free time#so i made sure he got kissed instead#someday I will be able to make actual art pieces about these characters#but for now i humbly offer these drabbles instead#i said to myself the other day “be the metadede you want to see in the world” so I just make them smooch a bunch#hope that's cool with yall#meta knight#king dedede#metadede#kirby series
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You're A Dog (I'm Your Man)
Ch. 3/7 – 'When I Call, You Come Home (A Bird In Your Teeth)'
[WC: 13K | Gale Cleven/John Egan, Pining, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Requited Unrequited Love]
John Egan loves like a dog.
[AO3 LINK]
#hiii (said while sweating buckets. pacing. muttering to myself)#the chapter in which i realized i love writing from gale's pov until it comes to him experiencing Thoughts and Feelings#it is so hard to get a read on him in the show as is let alone trying to get in his head in this context. but it's a good challenge#also three chapters deep and still haven't made a proper moodboard to use when posting these updates oopsie!#i have so many pics/poems/lyrics etc compiled to use for it so i'll make one anyyy day now i'm sure.#edit: moodboard added yay!#anyway thanks for reading as always <33 the love makes it a little less scary to post each time (sorta. still terrified HSDGJK) mwah#dog coded bucky fic#johnslittlespoon fics
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me: i’m gonna read Rodney McKay fics
fandom: we have lots of McShep
me: McShep is good, i like that ship
me: so, McShep fics with Rodney feels, please
fandom: sure thing, lots of Rodney feels here 😇
fandom: *bombards me with unexpected John feels*
me: hey, uh. why is my heart all fucked up?
#don't get me wrong i love it#but it is not what i signed up for x'D#i fell so gd hard for Rodney when i watched Atlantis and while i really enjoyed other characters too (John included)#Rodney was the one i just did not want to let go and the one i really wanted to read#so since McShep is a fairly big ship that i did like i figured it was easier to go there than to find Rodney heavy fics based on tags alone#and now here i am with a ton of John feels i wasn't planning on (and a brand new otp...)#Smowkie talks#McShep#John Sheppard#Rodney McKay#i'm planning a couple of McShep fic rec posts btw#(the fic that made me write this post included)#not sure when but they are coming. at least two of them#i've read a lot lately and i've actually mostly remember to save the faves so i can share them which feels very nice#i love fic rec posts but i've always been horribly bad at making them myself#but after that summer reading challenge i've gotten better at it and i'm hoping it can result in some future fic rec posts#well it will result in at least two for McShep xD
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sunrise ☀️
#YAYYYYY YIPPEE MY TREAT FOR DOING TASKS TODAY. FINALLY LETTING MYSELF DRAW SOMETHING#THIS WAS NOT THE ORIGINAL PLAN FOR THE DRAWING AT ALL BUT THIS IS BETTER I THINK#it's not perfect but That's Okay i'm allowed to post art that isn't my best (<- affirmations)#it's been a while since i used that brush :D i couldnt see myself making a background without it so i just. didnt even try JHDJGH#dante was described on priv as chewy btw i just need to let that be known. im glad bc i was going for squishy slime creature#sb#my art#rising sun#technoblade#(that is techno btw! just in the rising sun gear so 99% of him is covered jhdjgh)#i was gonna include energy being sent to him to from the players scattered around. ya know like how the dialogue goes#but then i finished part of it and decided to leave it alone bc i liked that way more#just pretend that all the mana has already been sent his way. pictures taken moments before disaster (for dante)
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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hi everyone i introduce you to my peter
#ender's game#peter wiggin#enderverse#he looks peculiar#this is what happens when you let me cook alone for three years#he started out normal but gradually natural selection took place. and now he looks like this#posting this to distract myself from the harsh reality of sport#kenon.art
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being self-conscious really fucks up your life
#txt.#i can’t stand looking at my face let alone my body#I never like taking group photos#i never like ppl taing photos of me#neither group photos#I don’t have any pictures on my posts on insta#and I never post a picture of myself on snap or instagram#whenever I do send a snap#it’s hardly ever of me#& when it is of me i despise it#i never like doing makeup on myself bc I feel like the ‘makeup on a pig’ idea#i just want to fucking kms#I can’t keep doing this to myself
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the challenge of i should commission art of my ocs. would love to commission like, siiyr or bokrae, maybe krachyn or jula. siiyr or bokrae would make the most sense, maybe krachyn. i think theyre the ones with the most detailed notes on their anatomy
but also
oh god i cannot subject another artist to the anatomical war crimes i committed in making these ocs
#toy txt post#ig id be best off commissioning someone w a lot experience w like. centaurs. let alone commisioning them actually doing anything#interesting. the good bad news is ai cant do it either. fucking i cant even do it. why did i make these bitches. i gave bokrae a gf#but shes not. she cant even. her lips dont really do a kiss shape shes all teeth#siiyr has too many fucking elbows and a weird skull situation#bokraes skull continues to break my brain. i think it does break physics in universe. birdie did weird shit w that eye#its constantly trying to explode#the art ideas i have for bokrae and siiyr have plagued me for years even now in my depression funk of no new ideas#i cant bring myself to subject other artists to them?????#i should specify Bokrae's teeth more tho probably. i used to jokingly explain it away as she has all the teeth/they change#and. they do. canonically birdie has to replace all of her bones over time especially her skull. but also#that was me being lazyyyyyyyyyyyy#idk i know you dont necessarily need like a super detailed ref sheet to commission things but like. if i was commissioning my own ocs id#want that probably?#maybe i will try to draw the girls today. probably not doing anything interesting#bc i have not drawn for One Billion Years and im out of practice with Normal Human Anatomy let alone#these fucking Monsters#also maybe one day ill figure out Jared#pigeon head on a deaths head moth body with gemstone eyes is something i can see in my head but when i try to draw it it doesnt look right#so. need to work on that? the main thing about jared is that he needs to Scuttle#and id like to incorporate a pigeon#hm#hmmmmmmm
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my hair is pretty much pink now and I kinda like it!!!!
#also can i just say#5 years ago i would never have DARED take a photo of myself with no skin related makeup on#let alone then post those photos unedited with no filter#but i dont even think about it anymore#slowly but surely im learning how to love myself#and thats a good thing
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my luck is so bad it is legitimately just cruel. every day literally feels like i am being punished for every little decision i make. it’s almost hard to believe and yet somehow i’m too dumb to anticipate this…?
#i have previously been burned by usps coming an hour early and not picking up my packages#i woke up at 4:45 am this morning and got out the bed fr by 9. i knew i should have had my packages out as early as possible.#i want to get paid for the items im selling as soon as possible. i want to get a refund for my returns.#and i want these people to get their stuff#yesterday usps returned a package i had sent out to me so its already delayed#i was in the middle of packaging everything up when i noticed a package was delivered#i meant to check my email to see if they sent me that bullshit fucking email claiming to have picked up my packages when they didnt#but got distracted#so naturally. my dad leaves (the only person i could ask to drop packages off at the post office) and only then do i see that dumbass email#delivered an hour ago#i am so serious……..i cannot do this anymore#it is like this every single day#like okay. if the rest of my life is terrible. if i’m losing my mind from social isolation. if my parents quite honestly hate me.#if i have no future and no hope.#if the only interaction i can rely on is friendly coworkers and patrons at the library.#if i have to spend my days off with basically only myself and my dog to talk to.#can the little fucking things go my way? like…half of them? is that possible?#i’m not even asking to have a happy life i’m not asking to be loved i’m not asking to belong i’m not asking for a point to living#man i just want the tiniest of breaks. just. two days out the week? yeah? can i get my fucking packages sent out on time? l#can i get to work on time? with no stress? can i not look forward to eating a salad all day only for my dad to have eaten it?#can i have a normal menstrual cycle? can i stop having back pain? can i be a little comfortable? can i time my birth control correctly?#this is just so exhausting. how am i supposed to do this for years and years and years#my grandma is fucking 91#my great grandma died at like 93#i can’t even do another year of this man#i’m dreading my 25 birthday this september#i don’t know how i’m gonna make it to 30#let alone anything after that#my parents are in their 60s………it’s a nightmare to have to think about living that long
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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it
#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it#idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character#someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it#and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly#its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked#because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately#like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means#it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by#a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time#i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid#so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or#smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them#become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words#but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened#especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that#need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta#once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it#circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it#actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt#i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me#that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly#mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them#have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP#IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL#yapping
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dog coded bucky fic update btw <3
#also 5k words in and they finally kissed#everyone cheered!#dog coded bucky fic#genuinely thinking this rly is gonna have to be split into chapters atp like this is cooked LOL#i have so many scenes i want to include and i'm not even at half of them but already at 5k words#let alone the SMUT SCENES. where tf are those thousands of words of filth gonna fit#it's looking like a multi part fic yeah lmfao#either way i won't be posting it until it's fully written bc i don't trust myself to commit to chaptered things <3
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Making a small accountability post to make myself actually do what I have been aiming to do for 2024. Mainly because I've managed to weaponise my own procrastination into avoidance behaviour. Which isn't great.
I started this blog a couple of years ago to work up the courage to share my WIPs rather than having them languishing in my google drive.
Last year, I took a massive step (for me) and shared my work with some beta readers, and had really helpful & constructive criticism. Based on that feedback, I've been working on my editing skills and rewriting parts of my WIP to get it to the place where I want it to be.
I'd set myself an arbitrary goal of when I get x number of followers, then I'd make an account on Wattpad and actually upload part I of Memento Mori. I'm now quite close to that random, arbitrary number of followers, and this is where the avoidance behaviour has set in.
So yeah, my making my intentions public, I'm hoping that this will spur me on to meet my own goal, because I feel that if I don't make the next leap soon, I'm never going to move forward as a writer.
#talking to the void#just let me ramble to myself#accountability post#I'm also accutely aware that if I don't don something with my WIPS#I'm just going to keep picking away at them#which isn't a bad thing#just...I like things to be done#and if it's uploaded somewhere#then in my head- it's done!#And I can leave it alone instead of constantly tweaking it
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