041520

Woke up this morning with the realization that we'll (probably and most likely) not see each other again. Each day, i think, is allowing me to adjust to the fact that we're over; that probably there really was no way of ending it better idk. Kinda sad. But hey not like I can do anything about it.

Today I finished watching age of youth - started the first season on saturday, then finished the second this monday past midnight.

Ang ganda. On the surface, abt lang sa tennants ng isang sharehouse. Aged 20s, sobrang relatable nila. Eventually, marereveal bakit ganito yung character, bakit ganito nangyari. You'll root for their success after their struggle kasi you feel like a part of the story. Idk sobrang nakarelate ako. Although I feel unsettled. Maganda rin yung end.

Idk why I feel unsettled. Baka dahil kailangan ko na namang maghanap ng bagong papanoorin; something na of the same feel or vibe. Idk. Watch it and you'll know. :)

043021

Also!!! I'm getting a puppyyy. Might get it na from lola's house this week

043021

12:02am

Been talking to someone I met thru bumble. Si E. We've talked for more than a month na pero recently sobrang busy to talk. I realized just now na baka sobrang tagal pa before kami magkita given the pandemic, the distance, and our schedules.

So far, masaya naman. I just dont want to get my hopes up ulit.

I'm not really stopping myself from feeling happy bc of this pero I just try every now and then to remind myself na this could be short lived like before. Or smth na wala namang patutunguhan. Idk. I wasnt exactly looking for a jowa naman when I downloaded bumble. I just try to protect nyself in a sense na I should be "ready"?? Just in case it doesnt go well.

Yun langgg. :)

---

About dent, acad break now but a little overwhelming pa rin acads. HAY.

012321

3:32 am

Reread old msgs I exchanged with W tapos di naman (pala) sad lahat sksksk. Naging masaya naman kami for some time. It just wasnt the right time (yung relationship) then kasi kakastart pa lang ng college and we're still figuring out how to manage our time. Kaya di nagwork. And we were young hahahahah (still young naman now but gets)

Anw ayun lang. Good night

x k

012021

Watched almost the whole series of Something in the Rain :((( ang ganda.

I need to review for my exam on monday later this day (12:48 am na as of writing). And list the items I need for lab, then order online. Ang dami na namang gastos :<

Been away from both my ig accounts for 2/3 days na. Wala naman din akong new paintings so okay lang. I wanna learn how to do urban sketching/painting; amazing ng ibang videos on youtube so I wanna give it a try rin.

I honestly wish I could be better. Or sipagan sana ako with my responsibilities sa school :( pero nakakastress kasi just thinking about it. Pero di naman matatanggal yung stress kung di ko haharapin hahahuhu.

Byee

-k

011821

we’re still on lockdown(ish).

Almost a year of COVID in this country. Ang shit hahahuhu bakit di na to matapos tapos. Daming nawalan ng trabaho. Nawalan ng buhay. Wala pa rin. Sariling interes pa rin pinapairal ng mga nasa gobyerno. Napakagago. Napakasahol.

Writing here kasi I’m worried about dent. Lagi naman. kastress. Paano ko ba matatapos to :< Worried na shet baka di ko kaya eh I’m in too deep na. Dami ko nang nasurviuve though not without struggling. :( idk lang. Just wanted to say that here. Ilang taon na, pahirap lang nang pahirap. Minsan gusto ko na lang mag face to face classes na para di mahirap. Nahihirapan ako sa online ang bigat hahahuhu. :( kahit f2f bigat rin. Pero iba lang kasi pag physically may kasama ka. 

I dont wanna leave home pero siyempre para mas “mapadali” yung aral, sana bumalik na lang ng school. Kastress shuta.

Napakarami

nang nagbago sa iyo.

Kumusta ka na?

Hindi na kita makausap nang maayos. Hindi na rin nakatingin nang deretso noong huli tayong nagkita. Wala naman na akong nararamdaman sa iyo. Pero ewan. Nakakapanibago lang.

you, on the way home,

fell asleep on my shoulder.

my heart went crazy.

I did not dare move,

And I forgot how to breathe.

my fingers went cold.

That was the last time

Your face was closest to mine;

My face became warm.

I had to wake you,

Held your face with my cold hands.

And I said, we're here.

Made this today

062520

060920

I was left speechless nung pinakita ni ate na may brackets na siya. 4+ hrs ago tinanong niya ako kung itutuloy ba niya. Kaso di ko nareplyan sa text, pero sabi ko sa chat, pag isipan muna niya. Di agad nabasa kaya idk. Nagdecide siya na sige, go na.

Medyo nanlumo ako kasi di man lang kinuhanan ng impression, ginawan ng cast, in-analyze yung oral habits, di man inassess yung radiograph, di man nilagyan ng spacers etc. Nilagyan agad ng brackets on the same day na unang pumunta si ate sa clinic. Pakiramdam ko niloloko nila mga pasyente. Nawalan ako ng sasabihin. Kasi paano ba, nandyan na. Nagbayad na si ate ng downpayment. Perang pinaghirapan niya yun. Pakiramdam ko, hindi up to par yung quality ng service na nareceive ni ate sa dapat niyang matanggap. Sasabihin ko sa kanya mamaya anong nararamdaman ko. Pero di ko pa alam paano.

Sabi ko sa kaibigan ko

"Girl nakakaiyak. Like minsan talaga gusto ko nang isuko yung dent dahil sa mga profs pero since walang choice tuloy pa rin. Tapos makikita mo yung ganitong mga dentista, gusto mo na lang na pag time mo na, na gagawin mo nang tama."

Kasi nakakalungkot talaga. May panahon talaga na ayaw ko na kasi di naman masaya. Na lagi akong anxious lalo na kapag endo na usapan. Ang hirap huminga sa totoo man, lalo na kagabi nung nagsend sila ng bagong sched na nagsasabing august na balik namin kung maapprove man yun. Nakakatakot. Nakakatakot mahawa ng virus. Ayoko pang mamatay. (To be specific, ayokong magsuffer sa virus hanggang mamatay na lang. Paano pa yung gastos ng pamilya ko sa akin, mga bayarin sa ospital. Paano na lang yun, di ba.)

Pero ayun nga, balik sa usapan na itutuloy pa rin ang dent kahit na ganoon ang nararamdaman ko. Itutuloy kasi pag ako naman na ang dentista, gagawin ko nang tama, na deserve ng lahat ng pasyente. Nakakalungkot kasi na ang baba na nga ng dentist:patient ratio sa pilipinas eh hindi pa lahat nagpprovide ng de kalidad na serbisyo. Ang lungkot lang isipin na ang daming ganito. Sobrang disheartening talaga. Pero nakakamotivate na maging better pag panahon na namin. Ewan. Ang weird.

Pakiramdam ko ang daming nangyari ngayon. Araw-araw may bad news. Nakakapagod. Umaasa pa rin ako, kahit papaano, na bubuti rin ang mga araw. Kung kailan man yun, walang nakakaalam.

060620

Prior to making this post, I was trying to log in on this account but I successfully opened a different one; one specifically made for the guy I went on dates with 4 years ago. In it was a single post, where I asked to end it all; since what we had was no longer working. I reread it twice or thrice and felt the same compared to when I last wrote it. I have no regrets letting us, him, and what we had go. The last two lines I wrote there struck me.

Thank you for the happy memories. Don’t let them bring you sorrow. Give yourself credit for the good things you’ve done. I know you’ll do more. 

I’m amazed by how my 20 year old self managed to say such. My current self resonates so much to these words, this time, I’m telling them to myself; especially the first two sentences. I had fun. I shouldn’t be sad about it.

These past few days I keep thinking about J, and how much I enjoyed his company; how I enjoyed having him around. I think about how it was impossible to have met him with different circumstances. If for example he was working in an hospital, we wouldn’t have had much time to spend together. Or if he was still a student, it will be the same thing. Idk. We just both happened to have time a few months back. I was not expecting much because he was gonna leave the country anyway. and yet, here I am.

There’s no doubt that there are a lot of other guys out there. I’m just not quite sure if I want to look for one right now. I kinda want to move on from J, but I’m just letting time do it’s thing. Time will pass, and perhaps my feelings for him will too.

For now, I’m focusing (kinda) on how to become a good clinician for my patients. for now, I’m reading up to improve what I know, to be able to apply theory into practice. I have issues with myself regarding dentistry but I’ll manage these issues out myself. as always. Not like I have someone else to rely on anyway. 

060320

What's happening in our country sickens me. Thinking about how bad things can go feels awful to core. Idk how rotten the people in authority are. We just know that they are (rotten). I'm a little fearful and immensely enraged. Angered. By what's happening and how much the nation's people are taken advantage of, given the current situation. I cannot fathom how greedy people are of power, of money. Of staying in authority. Nakakapagod.

060120

12:46 am

Opened my ig after not using it for 3 weeks for some detox but I still feel awful. Kinda pathetic that part of me was hoping to see a semblance of him or just abt anything from him really. I'll get over him. It takes time, sure. But i'll be able to do it. I think.

For this month and july, I plan on allotting a substantial amount of time and focus on studying. Going up the clinics holds a responsibility for my future patients' welfare so I need to prepare for whatever the future holds. I have to condition myself as well, in terms of my confidence bc i become shaky, like literally shaky from being too anxious about such matters.

I can do thissss

052320

I felt like talking about stuff but upon opening this app I realized I don't have much to say. This might take a while but anw..

In the past days I have been thinking of him. But maybe a little less. Idk guess it really just takes time.

I suddenly had a thought the other day about me in a party with friends. About the last party we attended. Everyone was greeting my friends and taking photos with them. I, being not chummy with a lot of people was not included ofc. And I kinda felt ostracized. It left a weird taste in my mouth. Like I wanted to leave that situation immediately. Idk. I felt a little out of place. I just want to share that here. I like hanging out with friends. Sometimes I feel like they're the only ones I have. It makes me uneasy how I feel that I'm relying on them a lot, and how sometimes I feel like I'm friendless without them. But the weird thing about it is that normally I wouldn't care. I don't normally talk to other people a lot. And that when people start conversations I tend to hope for it to end soon. Like what is up with that, right?

I'm sleepy now. Good night

043020