#joshua hong angst | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

toruro · 10 months

Text

— ✧ isohel

i·so·hel (noun) a line on a map connecting points having the same duration of sunshine

pairing. hong joshua x reader

description. fairytales can be rather misleading, can't they? when you and your mother are ripped away from your life at the castle, you spend over a decade resenting the royalty. so naturally, when you find prince joshua at your doorstep, you’re more than eager to shut the door on him. but as your life takes twists and turns, you happen to find yourself in the arms of a man you never thought you'd have to see again.

genre. slowburn, modern royalty au, angst, fluff

tags. prince!joshua, developing relationships, slut shaming, allusions / references to greek mythology, dialogue heavy, implied se

fic playlist

w/c. 26.2k

a/n. lwk don't like the beginning but i swear it gets better🙄 thank u @cheolhub for beta reading & @jeonghantis & @gyuswhore for reading it over and helping out w this bc i think i was going insane over this story by myself >_<; ... i highly suggest listening to the song isohel by eden! it was a major inspiration for this whole story and i think it encapsulates the vibes really well c: hope u enjoy!

The sound of glass shattering isn’t foreign to your ears.

It’s common in the sweltering heat of the summer when the air is hot and sticky. Maids running around to tend to the evenings balls and parties only for the sweat to breach their fingers and suddenly their stack of fine china goes tumbling to the ground.

A bed of hyacinths sits in front of you as you bring up the hose and spray them down, watching through the tinted glass as two male helpers rush to the woman on the ground, quickly helping her clean up the shards of glass.

Turning your attention back to the plants in front of you, you turn the hose off and roll it back into the corner as you skip to the end of the greenhouse where there’s your mother’s desk space. It’s a measly little space but she hardly sits there anyways, always tending to the gardens in the courtyards, leaving the floral and herbal greenhouses under your care while she’s away.

After all, your mother is a gardener and botanist in the Hong palace, and having been a trusted employee for the past half decade since your father passed, she exudes the little privileges of getting to bring her daughter to work.

At least that’s what you think, because you’re only nine years old and naive.

She teaches you well—you’ve only been accompanying her on the weekends when you don’t have school, but you’ve already picked up on how to tell the differences between an infected plant and an unaffected one, the characteristics of a good caterpillar and the characteristics of a bad one, the exact amount you should water each species, and exactly when you should let the vapor run down.

It’s easy work, and you love it.

You love sitting at your mother’s desk and imagining what it’d be like to be her—successful and working in the castle, doing what you love instead of working some stupid nine to five. You love looking out the glass of the greenhouses every few moments when you pause reading your book. You love the rare moments when you get to lay your eyes on one of the members of the royal family walking by.

You’ve started to pick up on their characters in the small frame of time you get to see them when they pass by. The Queen has kind eyes, the King is a bit intimidating, and Prince Joshua … Prince Joshua has soft features you can’t quite read.

“He’s only a year older than you!” one of your friends from school said when you told her that you stayed at the castle during the weekends to help your mother. “You should marry him and become princess!”

You had to push her away and watch her disappointed eyes when you told her that you hardly get to see him for more than ten seconds, even on the rare occasions that he crosses your vision.

The sound of glass shattering isn’t foreign to your ears, but hearing it more than twice in one hour does have some alarms ringing in your head. When you glance back up at the window, time stops.

Your mother is on the ground. Limbs sprawled out with eyes wide in horror, she scrambles against the rough stone path as a man looms over her. He dons a deep purple robe—the kind that belongs to the advisors of the Court—and your young mind races through the possibilities of what warrants the disgusted look on his face.

“Sneaking around with royal blood. Who do you think you are?”

A man watches, dark and brooding from the corner, and then you recognize him. Advisor Lee. He stops by the greenhouses sometimes—a high advisor of the Counsel and distance relative of the King’s. You’re nine years old and naive, but you are not dense.

Something had happened between your mother and Advisor Lee. Something tells you it’s more than you can understand, but in this moment, you feel you understand perfectly.

“You whore,” the man in the dark robes spits out, punctuating his disgust with a stomp of his feet right by your mother’s leg.

You’re only nine years old, but that is old enough to know that that is not a nice word. Nine years old, and you know that that means a very bad thing. Nine years old and when you look at your mother’s grief stricken face, you are certain that everything is about to change.

Your house was always on the edge of the town. Before the affair between Advisor Lee and your mother, it was because she liked having the space to open a garden in your backyard. The city is crowded and full of bustling roads and buildings—it’s no fit for the small cottage that she wanted.

Now, after the affair, your house is on the edge of the town for a different reason.

The first day after your mother is fired from her position at the castle, you go to school with your head hanging low. It’s in the city, and for the first time in your five years of schooling, your mother tells you to go alone.

“I can’t—I shouldn’t drive you anymore,” she tells you as you pack your backpack. She walks you to the bus station and hands you a paper telling you which stop to get off at and how to walk to school from there.

You’re not sure what you’re expecting when you two walk up to the little stop by the street, but when you approach the small crowd of people waiting for the next bus to come in, their chatter hushes. Sparing glances at you and your mother, they whisper—some hushed, some blatant, some sad, some angry.

That’s where she stops and puts a heavy hand on your shoulder. “You can take it from here, yeah?” she asks, but you know it’s not really a question. Nodding, you slowly walk towards the crowd of people as the next bus parks in front of the stop.

You don’t turn around and look at your mother because you know that’d be a mistake. Instead, you let your neck droop, following the quiet crowd as they pile into the bus, clutching the strings of your backpack.

There aren’t any places to sit, so you reach for a pole but suddenly the bus starts and you lurch forward, falling to the ground. There’s black and brown dust on the palms of your hand as you push yourself up, no one saying a word or bothering to help as you keep your head down and grip onto a pole.

The knees of your stockings are dirtied, and it’s the only thing you look at the whole ride, it’s the only thing you look at when you silently take the walk to school, and it’s the only thing you look at when you make your way onto campus.

It’s the whispers again, and as you quietly sink into your normal seat, you hear them louder.

Did you hear about her mother? She isn’t allowed in the castle grounds anymore. What did her mother do? I can’t believe she showed up, I’d be crying at home. I wonder what she’s thinking—

Nothing. You think nothing when your teacher announces that class will be starting. All you focus on is the board and your notebook. You spend your recess and lunch at the school’s library, and as soon as the final bell rings, you scurry off campus and towards the bus station.

It isn’t like the morning—people don’t hush and stare, but nine years old is smart enough to know that it’s because they don’t know you’re your mother’s daughter. There aren’t any empty seats just like the morning but this time, a nice gentleman offers you his spot.

You can tell he isn’t so sure of his decision though, when you finally get off at your stop and you run off to your mother who’s waiting for you by the bench. From the corner of your vision, you watch the man through the bus window, jaw tight and gaze cold as he watches you slip your hand into your mother’s.

Your mother doesn’t talk on the short walk home. She doesn’t ask you about school and she doesn’t ask you about what the other kids said. You figure that she doesn’t need to hear it anyways, and so you purse your lips together.

You have a lot to get used to.

Your life doesn’t change much, and you get used to it.

School days are spent with your head buried in a new book with every break you have. Your time at home is nothing but studying and your mother teaching you how to tend to the garden in your yard.

Soon you are graduating and moving on with your life as you make the transition to college, although you can’t say much changes. You study, you read, and occasionally you commission a project. It’s usually just renovating a citizen’s yard, sometimes it’s designing a public garden, but it’s never anything too serious.

Right now, you’re perched on a wooden stool, elbows leaning on the counter as you swipe your thumb over your tongue to flip the next page of your book. The paper is worn through, soft under your touch as a show for all it’s been through—bought second hand from your boss.

Your boss is a kind old man who happened to be a friend of your late grandfather’s, and when his little bookstore was teetering on the edge of being forgotten, you couldn’t refuse the offer to step in to work.

You’re around halfway through the book when you hear the familiar ringing of the bell above the door, head snapping up only to see your boss at the front door with a few envelopes in one hand, a plastic bag in the other.

“Holding up the fort, I see,” he greets with a low chuckle as you stand up and walk over, taking the bag from his hand to help out.

“As always, Mr. Min,” you reply, setting the bag of books down on the counter. “Are these—”

“They’re your mothers. I was walking by your house this morning and she asked me to take these and add them to our stock, since she said she doesn’t need them anymore.”

“Huh,” you say softly, taking out the various books about plants. “Not sure how big the market for gardening books is anymore, but I’m sure I can add it to our catalog after hours today,” you mutter, setting them on the table behind the register as he places the letters in his hand.

“Your mother also told me to give you this,” he says, his tone an octave lower as he plucks out one the envelopes and hands it to you. You knit your eyebrows together, wiping your dusty hands down on your pants before taking a look at it. “It’s from—”

“The castle,” you whisper, holding the envelope closer to your face to make sure you’re seeing it correctly. “Oh my god—it’s from the castle.”

“Yeah. Must be important if your mom felt the need to send it through me instead of just waiting for you to come home and take a look at it.”

“A-are you sure this is meant for me?” you manage to ask, flipping the envelope over a few times to make sure you read your name correctly.

“Yup,” Mr. Min replies, pointing down at where the intended recipient is listed. Sure enough, it’s your name listed in dark and bold ink in one corner, and then there’s that stupid royal emblem of the sun in the other corner.

Your heart sinks to your stomach at the possibilities of what could be inside, raking your mind for an answer. Was something wrong? Was it about your mother? Or was this just some big mistake?

Dear Madam,

The Hong Royal Counsel wishes to find you well, as we present a request.

Your reputation with your mother’s work as well as the operation of your own gardens throughout the city, along with your academic achievements at our very own Hong University have reached our ears, and we believe you possess the skills required for a special project we have in mind.

You will have the opportunity to lead this project as you please and earn a notable financial sum in payment for your efforts.

Please indicate your acceptance by replying to this letter at your earliest convenience. We eagerly await your response and sincerely hope that you will be able to grace our kingdom with your talent and presence.

Thank you,

Hong Royal Counsel

You don’t have to read the letter more than once before you scoff, tossing the crisp paper and letting it drift down onto the counter before muttering under your breath, “Who do they think they are?” Crumpling the envelope and letter up, you throw it down into the trash can by your chair.

Knocks on your door aren’t normal. The delivery and mailmen know better than to do that, leaving your packages and mail by the doorstep and doing no more than that.

Knocks on your door usually mean Mr. Min is here for something—picking up some of the veggies your mother grew because the store prices are too high, dropping off a book, or indulging in some pleasantries and casual small talk.

It’s eight in the morning when you hear the soft rapping against your front door. Your mom is in the kitchen and your room, right next to the foyer, has walls thin enough to let the sounds through. You’re on your bed though, and it’s comfortable, warm, and it’s too early to be out and about anyways. You’ve just spent the past nine months laboring away at college, so you’re granting yourself these few moments of peace in the morning.

Pressing your head into the pillow, you try to drown out the noise of your mother conversing with Mr. Min this early in the morning. After you hear the door open, there’s a silence and for a moment, you think you’ve succeeded in plugging your ears well enough.

You’re about to smile to yourself and drift back into a heavy sleep before you hear a loud gasp.

It takes a lot to surprise your mother—you’ve come to learn that in recent years. It takes a lot to stun her, to have her gasp as you just heard. Scurrying out of bed, you press your ear against the wall in hopes to catch a glimpse of what’s going on.

All you hear is silence.

It hardly takes a second for you to shove off your blankets and throw yourself into the hallway, rushing towards the foyer where you see your mother standing in front of the open door. She stays unmoving and you wince for a few moments, eyes still adjusting to the morning light as you make your way closer to the door to see what exactly has her so shocked.

And then you catch it: a glint of that wretched, golden sun emblem stitched onto a purple velvet coat.

“What the f—”

Your mother’s hand flies up and grabs your wrist tightly. It’s the first time you see her move, and as she turns around to face you with dark, warning eyes, you press your lips shut as you glance over her shoulder. In front of your doorstep is a man you never thought you’d get to see in person again, not after that day.

Prince Joshua is just as handsome as the tabloids and social media make him out to be, and his presence in your life also seems to be equally infuriating.

“What is he doing here?” you hiss, pulling your mother closer to you so she’s close enough to hear you.

Her eyes are somber, and you silently wonder how she can be so calm, so docile, so—so tame. “They’re here for you,” she whispers, turning her whole body so her back faces the prince.

“What are you talking about? Why would—”

“The letter sent to you from the kingdom. I thought you told me it was a mistake.”

“It was,” you mutter, eyes glancing at Prince Joshua behind her. His gaze is averted, presumably out of respect for the conversation you’re having with your mother right now, but you can’t find it in yourself to appreciate him for it.

“Then why is he asking for your name?”

You gulp anxiously, eyes flickering between your mother’s eyes and the floor. “I don’t know.”

“Talk to him. It must be important,” she orders, walking forward and toward the kitchen and you grab her shoulder quickly.

“Are you kidding me? Why—why would I talk to him? Why would I talk to any of them?” you argue louder than you intended, and your mother swats your hand away sharply.

“They’re royalty,” she says, voice strained with caution.

“And? It’s not medieval times where they actually rule over us so—”

Your mother sighs heavily and then it hits you that no matter how much logic you try to expend, it’d be futile. “Talk to him. It isn’t quite like you have a choice.”

“You of all people shouldn’t put up with this,” you state and the second the words leave your lips, you regret it. Her face hardens and there’s a cold feeling that sinks in your stomach as she frees herself of your grasp and marches away.

You’re left watching her back fade into the rest of your house as your eyes are wide and you’re becoming increasingly aware of the presence of another person behind you. A person who is very important and very famous and very much a representation of all the things you loathe.

Turning on your heel, you don’t bother to push your lips up into a morning grin facing Prince Joshua with tired eyes and frown etched into your mouth. Taking a deep breath, you glance back at your mother who is in a far off room, deciding that whatever he needs to say to you, she doesn’t need to hear.

Slipping on some slippers, you quickly walk out of the house and close the door behind you, putting you right in front of Prince Joshua who waits for you with bright eyes.

“Hi,” he greets, voice airy and light as he takes a few steps back so he can bow, of which you begrudgingly return. “Sorry to bother you so early in the morning, I was just taking care of some work in the area and was told to stop by and talk to you about something.”

He sounds sincere, and his lips curve into a pleasant expression when he speaks, and you wonder if he’s plain stupid playing dumb to save you the humiliation of the situation—a royal prince speaking to the daughter of ‘a slut who seduced the royal advisor.’

So unable to decipher anything about his true intentions, you ask bluntly, “Is it about the letter I got from the kingdom two weeks ago?”

Prince Joshua chuckles nervously, rubbing the back of his neck and you catch the fancy white fabric of his buttoned up shirt underneath the coat. “I mean, yes it is and—”

You scoff, crossing your arms over your chest. “Why do you guys even bother sending letters? It’s the 21st century, you know? Emails exist.”

His face reddens, looking away before pursing his lips together. “Some things are just kept out of tradition,” Prince Joshua reasons quickly. “But I totally understand that, we’ll keep emailing in mind. But for the meantime, that’s, uh, kind of what I’m here for. We didn’t hear back a response, and I would like to take your answer back to the castle for you.

“Isn’t no response enough of a response?”

“Well—”

“My answer is no, if that wasn’t obvious,” you say, turning back to the door. “Is that all?”

“Wait!” he exclaims, grabbing your arm with his white leather gloves. It’s a bit surprising, really—he seems awfully timid for a prince and you’re a bit unnerved by how he hasn’t reprimanded you yet for being disrespectful. “Is there a reason why you don’t want to take on the job? If there are some specifics, maybe we can adjust the arrangement so it’s more to your liking.”

Your eyes widen, bewildered. “What? No I—I don’t care for anything like that, I won’t take the job.”

“Aren’t you just a ray of sunshine,” he mutters under his breath before his eyebrows knit together as he looks at the ground, seemingly trying to figure something out. “Is it the money? We can negotiate your salary,” he offers and you shake your head.

“No, it’s not the money—I don’t care about the money,” you say harshly. “It’s not any of that, I just don’t want to.”

“Can you tell me why? It’s just, I’ll have to report this back to the Counsel and if I’m not able to recruit you, they’d at least want some reasoning for why.”

Inhaling sharply, it takes all your self control to not let your eye twitch and slam the door in his face. “Are you really asking me why I don’t want to?” Pursing your lips together, you glare at him harshly. “You were there that day, weren’t you?” you ask more quietly, and for a moment you see Prince Joshua falter. “Not that I’d expect you to care but surely you can at least understand why I don’t want to.”

“I-I’m sorry, but I really can’t change the past.”

Scoffing, you turn on your heel and open the door. “I’m not asking you to.”

“Wait—just wait a sec’!” he calls out, stopping the door with his palm before you close it. “You’re in your second year at Hong University, right?” He doesn’t wait for a response before he continues. “We’ll pay for the rest of your tuition.”

The air in your lungs seems stuck for a passing moment, and you shake your head to yourself, stepping into your house and turning around one last time with cold eyes and a deep frown. “No.”

The prince looks around hastily before blurting out, “We’ll do all of it!”

“All of what?”

“We’ll pay for all of your tuition—reimburse you for what you’ve already paid.” You don’t care. You shouldn’t care. “All of it, plus your hourly wage,” he adds, and you don’t even have a chance to think before you feel your mother’s hand on your back.

“She’ll do it.”

Your mother chuckles as she helps you tie the lavender colored robe around your waist. You’re not sure what she finds so funny about this, but you bite your tongue when you start to catch on how she ties the ribbons with such ease.

Over ten years of being away from the castle can’t erase the time she spent there, tying her own robe every morning before she was stripped of her title, and in turn, also the life she worked so hard to build up.

As you look down at the smooth fabric sent to you a week earlier from the castle, you’re forced to begrudgingly admire the intricate embroidery. The collar and ribbons are decorated with a darker purple stitching that runs in all sorts of twists and turns and swivels around the curves of your body.

“They’ve made them look nicer since I’ve last seen them,” she thinks out loud, matting her hands down your shoulders to smooth the fabric down one last time before taking a look.

“I don’t understand why you’re still so—” You inhale sharply and press your lips together, warning yourself to not say anything more when she shoots you a cautionary look. “Sorry,” you mutter, turning away so you can glance at yourself in the mirror. You do look pretty nice, if you had to admit.

“Just think about the money,” your mother encourages. “They’re covering the cost of all your schooling—all those days spent at Mr. Min’s can now go towards things you enjoy, rather than paying for your university.”

“I guess,” you grumble, adjusting your hair one last time before grabbing your phone and keys, walking towards the foyer.

“You know the way right?” your mother calls out as you slip on your shoes and walk out onto the front porch.

“I wish I didn’t,” is all you say, low and under your breath as you make your way to the car.

The castle lies in the heart of the city, so it’s quite the drive. You’re careful as you try to keep your robes clean, bunching it up to your thighs as you drive, and once you’ve made your way to the castle, you’re sure to make sure the hem of the bottom doesn’t hit the ground.

Reporting to the entrance that was given in your email (why they send emails for instructions but not the actual invitation to your job still remains a mystery to you), you carefully tuck your phone into a crevice of your robes.

The entrance starts at a gate on the east end of the castle, and you make your way to the little hut that sits at one end where a woman in a lavender polo and dress pants sits at a desk. Knocking on the window, you smile nervously as she looks up from her papers.

“Can I help you?”

“Yes!” you say, holding up your phone and pointing to your first day instructions. “It’s my first day here, and I’m not sure how to get inside and all.”

“Did they give you a code?”

“Uh, yeah let me check again,” you murmur, looking back at your phone to find the 5 digit code you were sent. “It’s, uh—32423.” The lady hums and nods, checking something on her computer before looking up at you with a smile.

“That’s correct. From now on you can just come through the smaller gate on the side—it should be to the left of this big gate, and just put in whatever code you have. It changes every few days but you’ll be notified with the new password every time it does.”

“Thank you,” you say, glancing over your shoulder to look at the gate she’s talking about.

“For now, just follow me. Since it’s your first day, I’ll show you the way to the … where was it you need to get to?”

“Right here it says the Advisory Quart?”

The girl’s eyes widen as she sits up from her seat and walks out of the hut, leading you toward the smaller gate. “Seriously?” she asks as she punches in the code, the gate automatically opening once she’s done.

The gate leads to a narrow pathway that runs slightly uphill in the midst of a lush field of trimmed green grass and sparse flowers that was previously hidden from you by the large stone halls. You remember the scene vaguely, but it’s a lot lovelier in person than you remember. Glancing up the pathway, you catch sight of the large castle in front of you, and the vision has an uneasy feeling floating in your stomach.

“Uh yeah, is that surprising?” you respond, hoping the small talk will distract you, even if it’s only a little.

“I mean the Advisory Quart is no joke. Those people work like crazy dogs—” she says with a laugh before looking at you with wide eyes. “Wait, I’m sorry—please don’t tell anyone I said that, they’ll—”

“Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me. But please do continue—what were you saying? I haven’t been in that castle in a long—I’ve never been to the castle before, so I’m not up to speed with all the different Quarts and sectors and stuff.”

“Oh well, it’s just that the Advisory Quart does a lot of work … I swear they’re always running around, talking about some new project they’re working on,” she says as you follow her up some steps, nearing an entrance to a building connected to the castle.

“What kind of projects?” you ask curiously.

“Oh gosh, everything, I tell you, they do pretty much everything. From helping the King with his own decisions to doing absolutely random, huge projects, there always seems to be someone who’s on top of everything. I remember I had a friend whose husband worked up there—they were working on designing a whole new ballroom and no one had any idea why! So what are you going to be doing there?”

Chuckling nervously, you aren’t sure if you should tell this girl that you don’t really know. “One of those random projects, I assure you,” you tell her because you’re pretty sure it’s true. After all, you’re almost positive they won’t have you be doing anything that’s worthwhile.

“Ah, well you’ll probably be swamped either way,” the girl says with a sigh as you reach a large wooden door. “Anyways, we’ll part ways here. Just go through these doors and there’ll be a big hallway. Ignore all the different corridors and doors on the side, and just go straight and you can see there’s an open room at the end of this hallway. That’s where your check-in will be, and the people there will direct you to wherever you need to go.”

You blink a few times, taking in all the information before nodding meekly, bowing and thanking the girl for her time as she walks away. Taking a deep breath, you open the door with a loud creaking noise, stepping into the grand hallway.

The walls are beige with ornate accents lining the bottom and top, intricate designs carved into the ceilings that hang chandeliers in intervals. Your sandals clack against smooth travertine marble as your eyes roam the entrances to different corridors and rooms, doors dark and wooden, similar to the one you just entered through.

There aren’t many people in the long hallways, passing by only a few others who seem to have their attention busied by papers or their phone. Some of them are wearing similar fashioned robes to yours, while most of the others are wearing the same lavender colored polo and white slacks as the girl who brought you here.

Smoothing the fabric below your waist one more time as you near the large open room you were directed to, you glance around and find a desk with a kind looking receptionist talking to a man wearing your kind of robes.

Quietly approaching the desk, you stand a few feet behind him, patiently waiting for them to finish so you can step up. Neither of them seem to notice, being caught up in a conversation that seems a bit of a mix of professional and leisurely.

Twiddling with your fingers behind your back, you rock side to side on your feet as you wait for the two to finish up talking about how they’re excited for the next ball that’s coming up, not bothering to think about who these people might be and why they’re even invited to it.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the man at the counter calls out, “I can help you.” He smiles and waves you over before nudging the other man on his shoulder. “Seokmin, go—you’re distracting me.”

The man he pushed is a handsome looking guy, light brown hair falling just above his eyes as he turns around and gives a small smile, stepping to the side but not fully backing away. “Ah, sorry about that. Go ahead, we were just catching up.”

“No worries,” you say quickly, walking up to the receptionist. “I’m here to find the Advisory Quart I think? I was told to report to this entrance, and the lady at the front told me to come here—it’s my first time here so—”

“Your first time in the castle?” the other man asks you with wide eyes.

“Uh, well—”

“Don’t mind him—Seokmin, you know better than to mess with the newbies,” the receptionist murmurs, and you frown at the word. He catches on and looks up at you, holding a hand out. “No offense.”

“N-none taken. So could you help me—I’m really not sure where to go.”

“Yeah of course. Does your email say who you’ll be reporting to?”

“It says here ‘Mr. Park.’”

“Oh okay, his room number’s going to be 77, right down that corridor right there,” the receptionist tells you kindly, pointing at one of the side hallways you saw while walking here. “Since it’s your first day, I’ll let him know that you’ll be coming down so he can be ready. I’m sorry, what’s your name?”

“Thank you so much,” you say bowing, quickly telling him your name. So caught up in the kindness of these peers, you almost forgot why you were so reluctant to come here in the first place, but no worries, this receptionist does a good job of reminding you.

His lips press into a thin line as raises a brow, asking you to repeat your last name again. When your answer slips from your lips, it’s much quieter. A heavy cloud sinks over you as you realize that even after years away, your family name is still tainted.

“Okay,” the receptionist finally says briskly, and you’re taken aback by how cold his voice has become. “I’ll let him know you’re coming down. You can proceed now.”

He doesn’t give you a ‘good luck,’ or a ‘have a nice day,’ or a ‘do you have any questions,’ despite his cheery attitude from before. Now he’s looking at you with an expressionless face and eyes that won’t meet yours as you shamefully turn away.

So caught up in the disappointment, you hardly notice how the other man—Seokmin—is still watching the scene unfold. As you walk away from the open room, there’s a hand on your wrist. Whipping around, you’re faced with a Seokmin whose face seems unreadable, just like the receptionists. Except something is … different. He seems sincere, and you feel safe.

“You might get lost trying to get there,” Seokmin says rather casually, letting go of your hand and walking next to you. “Come on, I’ll show you the way—I’m working under Mr. Park too actually, I’m his intern—so I know the way pretty well and can fill you in on what he’s like.”

You wonder why Seokmin isn’t acting like the receptionist. Your family name is still somewhat taboo in the city outside the castle, so you were pretty confident when walking into the actual place of the ‘crime scene’ that you’d be even more … generally disliked.

Seokmin seems to be different though, and you can’t quite figure out why.

Seokmin lets you know Mr. Park is mean when he wants, which seems to be always. Direct with his words but also, you have to read in between the lines sometimes if you don’t want to get scolded. You’re not sure what to do with that information, because Seokmin doesn’t tell you much else.

You walk down the corridor with him before stopping in front of a wooden door to your right, labeled with that familiar sun emblem and a golden plated plaque reading ‘77.’ “C’mon, he should be in here right now,” Seokmin says, pressing against the frame and pushing the door open.

Inside is a room unlike the others you’ve seen before. The ceiling is much lower and baskets of plants hang from it, vines lining the limestone walls, and pots and beds of plants sit by the smaller desks that litter the area. There’s a larger desk at the end opposite to the door, and you see a man with grey hair and firm eyes sitting at the ornate chair, reading through a stack of papers.

“Ah, Seokmin,” he says, standing up when he notices the two of you by the door, and it’s not you realize that this man is Mr. Park. Both you and Seokmin bow hastily. “I was waiting for the two of you to arrive.” His gaze then turns to you, and it’s sharp. “What took you so long?” His tone is harsh and you almost wince. “It isn’t your first time in the castle,” Mr. Park says bluntly, and for once you are taken aback because no one has addressed the cloud hanging over your head so directly yet.

“I’m sorry sir, I haven’t been here in—”

“No excuses. Don’t be late again.”

“Y-yes sir,” you reply meekly, faltering in your step a little.

Mr. Park sighs heavily and looks at Seokmin, waving him off. “Go to the Ballroom and ask around to see if they need anything for tonight. Don’t be slow like last time.”

“Yes sir! Right on it,” Seokmin says with a nod, quickly turning on his heel and scurrying out of the room.

“And for you …” Mr. Park mutters as he takes in your figure with an unnerving look on his face. “I need you to lead a project.”

Your eyes bulge out of your head. “Lead a project? I don’t even know what—”

“Word has it that the Prince himself had to bribe you with a whole four years of Hong tuition to get you here. Surely you didn’t think you’d be given light work.” people knew about that?

“Well, I didn’t know much about anything and I don’t even know what work I’m supposed—”

“You’ll figure it out, soon enough,” Mr. Park tells you briskly, walking over to his desk where a large chalkboard sits to its left. Using a stick, he points at a word written in a corner. Garden. “The Queen has a courtyard that she no longer likes the look of. It’s been stripped down, and you’re in charge of turning it into a garden of her liking.”

You knit your eyebrows together. “A-a whole courtyard?”

Mr. Park raises a brow. “Are you saying that it’s too much for you?”

“N-no!” you exclaim quickly. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. I don’t get why I would be chosen to do this.”

Mr. Park huffs, and you wonder how such a tiny old man can fit so much sass in him. “If you must know: the Queen loved how your …” he pauses and within a fraction of a second you have a feeling where this is going, “… your mother designed the gardens on the West end.”

Mr. Park walks towards his desk and sits down, not looking at you as he cards through a few binders. “The Queen wants a similar style for this courtyard but since we can’t exactly have her back …”

You wince for real this time as you conclude, “… you tried to get the next closest thing.”

Mr. Park nods, not returning a snarky comment this time, much to your pleasure. “I’m the head of Design & Architecture, by the way, if you have any questions ask me—as long as it’s not stupid. You lead your project—design it and plan it. When you need people to work on it just talk to Seokmin and he’ll assign someone. You have three months to finish it. If you need an extension, you’ll have to get it approved by me.”

“Okay,” you respond quickly, trying to take in all the information at once. “Is there, like, a theme? Anything she wants in particular?”

“That’s a stupid question,” Mr. Park says bluntly and you frown as he points at a desk behind you. “Your desk is there. Any information you need will be there.”

“Y-yes sir, thank you,” you say, bowing and turning on your heel to sit down at your new chair. The desk is dark, wooden, and completely barren except for a thin folder set in the middle. Opening it, there’s a single paper inside with only a few bullet points typed out, and it hardly takes you a moment to read through all of it.

It’s vague—your only real requirements are the adherence to the kingdom’s symbolic purple colors, and inclusion of a general theme throughout the courtyard.

You furrow your eyebrows at the lack of guidance—were you really left to make such major decisions about such a large space in a castle you haven’t been in years? There’s so much room for error and disappointment and rejection, and after the past years of being treated like your family was nothing but a mistake, you aren’t sure if you can handle any more of it.

Closing your eyes, you absentmindedly nod to yourself in a silent promise. Closing the folder, you stand up. “Mr. Park, sir, do you know where the courtyard—”

“There is a map on the wall. Figure it out.”

You huff, glancing at the large map of the castle next to the chalkboard. This is going to be harder than you thought.

You run into Seokmin just as you leave 77, and he helps lead you to the courtyard. “So you’re working on this one, huh,” he says under his breath as you both appear in front of a large plot of land surrounded by castle buildings on all sides. You’re both standing on the East entrance to the courtyard, and there are four adjacent and opposite entrances on all other sides.

“Uh, yeah,” you say steadily, glancing back down at your minimal instructions before looking back up at the courtyard. It’s a square, and if you had to estimate, each side would be around 50 yards long, leaving quite a great deal of space for you to work with it.

“Pretty big project, huh,” Seokmin says, although his tone seems much more lighthearted than your mood. How the hell are you supposed to transform this in three months?

“Yeah,” you mutter, squinting at the bright sunlight as you analyze the plot.

“You know, I can totally help if you want,” Seokmin begins to say, and you take note of how quickly he talks. “I don’t know if Mr. Park told you but you can basically ask me for help on anything and like, I’m really doing this whole interning thing for fun—” Who the hell works as an intern for Mr. Park, for fun? “—so I’d be happy to help.”

“Thanks. I’ll ask if I need anything.”

“Great!” Seokmin cheers, clapping his hands together before looking behind your shoulder and letting his smile brighten. He waves at someone behind you and you purse your lips together, wondering if you should brace yourself for yet another salty interaction.

“Minnie!” a deep voice greets and suddenly, your feet seem glued in their spot. You know that voice.

“Shua, hey!” Seokmin says cheerily, and you silently cringe. “Crazy running into you here, gosh, I haven’t seen you since last week!”

Prince Joshua laughs, and it reminds you of all those years ago when you watched him from inside the greenhouse. You hate how you remember.

“Yeah, my fencing instructor let me off earlier so I thought I might browse around the castle for a bit,” he explains, and when it all goes quiet and you realize that he must be looking at you, but you don’t dare to turn around.

“Oh,” Seokmin exclaims, as if he’s just realized that he forgot something. You feel a tapping on your shoulder, and for a second you debate just running the other way and never letting yourself return to the castle but for something, you’re planted in your place. “Hey, look,” he says quietly in your ear, “It’s the Prince.”

Like you don’t fucking know that. Nodding, you slowly follow his lead and turn around, eyes trained on the ground as you bow.

“Oh, well if it isn’t that little ray of sunshine,” Prince Joshua says, and it takes everything to not let your eye twitch as you finally look up at him. He’s wearing the same royal uniform you say to him when you showed up on his doorstep and his eyes are crinkled as he smiles widely.

Your face burns as Seokmin’s eyes flicker back and forth between you, and your lips are pressed together in an awkward silence. “You know each other?” His face displays nothing but perplexion for a few moments but then it seems that some of the cogs turned and his lips open wide into a large ‘o,’ and Seokmin waves his finger while nodding. “Oh you’re the girl Shua said he had to offer four years worth of—”

“Seokmin,” Prince Joshua interrupts, putting his hand over his friend’s mouth after catching the look of mortification on your face for bringing it up. “Mr. Park was calling you, I’m pretty sure.”

“Ugh, are you kidding me? I thought this would be fun for the summer but he actually has me doing stuff!” As the two converse casually, you wonder how hard it’d be to quickly slip away.

“Not sure what you expected,” Joshua chides his friend before Seokmin groans and you hear the heavy footsteps of him walking away. He calls out your name once and your eyes shoot up as you bashfully wave your hand at him, bidding goodbye.

You’re left in this corridor with the empty thoughts in your head and the goddamn prince of the kingdom. You half expect him to just wave at you and go about his own business, but it seems like you still have a lot of learning to do.

After all, Prince Joshua is a fickle man. “It’s nice to see you again, Sunshine,” he greets, and you think you might pass out from embarrassment. Glancing around, you see a few maids overhear him using the name and murmuring their own whispers amongst themselves as they rush away.

“H-hi,” you say nervously, suddenly aware that much attention is on you now that the prince is speaking to you.

“So this is what you’re working on?” he asks curiously, not paying a single mind to your awkwardness, walking toward the door which leads to the East entrance to the courtyard.

“Yes sir,” you murmur. You could be snappish outside the walls and in the boundaries of your own home but here, you’re bound by royal courtesy and witnesses that surround you. Compliance is all you can manage out in the open.

“Don’t call me sir—you’re around the same age as me, so it feels weird,” Joshua says dismissively, and you furrow your brows at how casual he’s being. “So,” he starts, looking out at the empty yard of dirt, “you got any idea of what you’re going to do with it?”

“Not a clue,” you reply honestly, keeping your answers brisk. Joshua seems to catch on and he pouts at you. How can a man act so childish? The thought lingers in your head for a moment before he starts talking to you.

“So cold. Brighten up Sunshine. I’ll stop in soon to see how it’s going here—I’m interested!” he says cheerily before stepping back and nodding. You bow as he walks away, waving to you one last time before leaving you in the corridor with not a single thought in his mind.

There seems to be a distinct odd air around the prince, except you can’t quite place why that is.

It’s been three weeks since you started working at the castle—time passes quickly when you have loads of work to do and not much time to do it. You spent the first week hunched over at your desk simply raking your mind for ideas, for anything that would give you even a smidge of inspiration.

77 is rather sparse. It’s only really you and Mr. Park actually working in there, with the occasional Seokmin running in and out to tend to everyone’s miniscule needs.

And then there’s Jihoon, who is the only other person who actually works at his desk, even if it’s only for an hour a day. Jihoon is slightly brooding and always has his nose buried in some work, but he seems standoff-ish to just about everyone. He isn’t unkind though, just … just reserved, and you feel thankful that there’s another person somewhat like you here.

77 is kind to you and your heart. Everyone works on their own schedule and is in their own head, and no one seems to treat you extraordinarily different. You wish the same would go for the rest of the castle.

On the second day of your work, the embroidered name on the fabric over your right breast was clear enough for people to start learning who you were and recognize your face.

But you’re used to the stares—both the subtle and obvious ones—and you are used to the whispers, the guessing games about whether or not you’re a slut just like your mother was.

You’re not, by the way, but you’ve had enough experience with these kinds of people to know that they can guess all they want but you know the answer, and the truth will come to light at some point. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, they'll figure it out on their own. Eventually.

By the second week, you figured out a plan and needed to get to work on executing it. Seokmin seemed to be pleased when you asked him for help on that.

“I need people who can build a pathway,” was all you needed to tell him and then he was on the phone, and then the next day you had ten men ready for you by the dirt field ready to work. “I want stone tiles and it needs to curve exactly like this,” you told them, showing them a scaled down map of the area with a long, curvy line running from the North to South ends, and another even more curvy one running from the East to West end.

They didn’t ask questions, which you’re grateful for, because coming up with it was a whole feat on its own. Explaining it would be a whole other story.

As you walk up to the castle’s entrance today, you catch sight of a girl who sits in her little hut in front of the East gate. She’s the same girl who helped you on the first day, you realize. She was kind then, you remember, but now as you meet her gaze, she turns away and pretends to go back to her phone.

You don’t frown or let the gesture sear your heart because in all honesty, that’s exactly what you’re expecting. Sighing, you make your way to the smaller gate and walk the small way up to the actual castle grounds before heading straight to 77.

Jihoon is sitting at his desk but is just about to get up, sending you a quick nod as he stacks his files and walks out of the room. Mr. Park isn’t here, for once, although you did overhear some information about a ball happening tonight so you figure he must be busy.

You’re thankful Seokmin is here, and you catch him watering one of the plants. “Hey, what are you doing?” you ask him hastily, walking up behind his back before grabbing the watering pot from his hands.

“Um … watering … the plants?”

“These are yarrows,” you emphasize, pointing at the white flowers he was just watering.

“Okay … I am really not sure what to do with that information,” Seokmin says slowly as if he isn’t quite processing your words.

Huffing, you tell him, “Yarrows don’t need a lot of water. You aren’t watering them … I think a better word would be drowning.”

“Oh,” Seokmin mutters, looking down at that pot that’s now rich with soaked soil. “Sorry, I, uh, didn’t know,” he apologizes, and you purse your lips together because he does sound sincere.

“It’s okay … sorry for being mean about it,” you add quietly, returning the pot to his hand. “I can send you a list later—of all the plants here and how much water they need.”

Seokmin’s ears perk up. “Really? Thank you, but you seriously don’t have to, you know.”

“I know, but I enjoy talking about plants and stuff. And I’d rather the ones in this room be taken care of nicely, so the least I can do is help you,” you offer before retreating to your desk. “I think I need your help by the way, so can you come with me?” you ask, pulling out a measuring tape from a drawer.

Seokmin nods, dropping the watering bucket by his own desk and following behind you as you leave the room. The journey from the Advisory Quart to your courtyard, which is located near Royal Residence Quart, is quite the walk, and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t a little bit pleased that you had someone like Seokmin as company.

“How’s the project turning out?” he asks as you make your way down the long hallways. You catch a few other workers spare the two of you glances and you try to hold your head up and look forward when you respond.

“I’m a little behind,” you admit. “But the construction manager told me that they should be finished with the pathway today, and I asked them to start tilling some other parts of the field so I can get some flora in there soon.”

“Oh really That’s nice—I stopped by the place just the other day and the pathway was looking pretty cool—the color fit in really well.”

“Hm, that’s good … I was worried about that,” you murmur to yourself thoughtfully, pulling out your phone so you can glance at the list of things you need to get done before heading back to 77. Tucking the device back into a crevice of your robe, you smile as you near the East end courtyard entrance. “I gotta get a plaque up here or something,” you remind yourself, looking at the empty space above the entrance.

“You want me to get on that soon?” Seokmin offers and you shrug.

“I guess. I’ll still have to come up with a name for this place …” you say, walking into the courtyard.

“Wow,” Seokmin mutters as he follows behind you. “The pathway looks great!” He pats your back and you throw him a small smile when you look over the two twisting paths that connect the 4 ends of the courtyard. “What was it that you needed my help with again—Oh hey! Shua!”

Oh for fuck’s sake—

“Seokminnie!” that familiar, smooth voice appears from behind you as Seokmin turns on his heel and scurries toward his friend. Slowly and carefully, you tuck your hands behind your back and bow when you turn around and are met with the sight of Prince Joshua. “Sunshine,” he greets with a smile after exchanging his casual pleasantries with his friend.

“Good morning sir,” you murmur as Seokmin bounces up and down on feet from a newfound excitement. How does he have this much energy at nine in the morning?

“I thought I said don’t call me sir,” Prince Joshua tells you, scrunching his face up when you let the word slip from your mouth. “Feels weird.”

“I’m sorry but you’re kind of the prince. I don’t think there’s anything else for me to call you other than ‘sir,’” you huff lowly before slapping a hand over your mouth. You’re not scared of what Joshua might do, per se, but the thought of someone else overhearing your snarky remark has you reminding yourself to be more careful.

Joshua only chuckles. Is there anything that bothers him? “You’re funny,” he comments. “You can call me Joshua, like Minne over here,” he tells you, patting Seokmin’s shoulder affectionately.

Your face sours and you shake your head, “I’m sorry that doesn’t feel right.”

Joshua rolls his eyes playfully, choosing to ignore what you said and instead looks around the courtyard. “Nice pathway. It’s cool that it isn’t straight—is it supposed to be something?”

“Sort of,” you say, turning around to look at the stone on the ground. “It’s confusing.”

Joshua scoffs. “Try me.”

You furrow your eyebrows. Why Prince Joshua—or as he would like you to call him, just Joshua—is so curious about a random courtyard is beyond you. “They’re just lines that follow the movement of sunlight. I guess. I don’t really know how to explain it.”

“That’s cool,” Seokmin chimes in when he sees you pulling out a roll of measuring tape. “Oh yeah, sorry, I didn’t get to hear what you said you needed help with.”

“Oh yeah, I just want to measure a—”

“Sorry for interrupting,” Joshua says, and you frown when he pulls out a buzzing phone, holding it up to Seokmin’s face. “What did you do this time—why is Mr. Park calling me?”

Seokmin’s eyes widen in panic as you watch the scene unfold. “What?! I haven’t done anything wrong recently. Well I don’t think I did and I’m pretty sure—”

He’s cut off by Joshua pressing his finger over his lip, effectively shutting him up. You almost laugh at the way Seokmin complies so quickly, but hold it back as Joshua holds the phone up to his ear. The sounds that come from the call are muffled but you can vaguely make out the voice of your boss before Joshua sighs and ends the call.

“What are yarrows and what did you do to them?” he asks his friend, and this time you actually do stifle out a giggle. Joshua glances at you as you quickly press your lips back into a fine line, both of you turning your attention back to Seokmin whose ears are turning bright red, shoulders tensing up.

“Oh no—I really don’t want another scolding!” he whines.

“Well buckle up, because he’s asking for you back at 77 right now,” Joshua shrugs as Seokmin huffs, stomping off back into the corridor and presumably back toward the Advisory Quart. “Sorry,” he says, turning to you, “I keep sending your assistant away when you need him.”

“It’s fine,” you say gruffly. “I, uh, I can still do this all by my stuff so it’s not really a big deal.”

Joshua narrows his eyes. “Are you sure? I don’t have fencing for another …” He glances down at his star studded wrist watch for a second, “… thirty minutes so I can help out.”

To say you’re mortified by the offer is an understatement. A prince helping out you? He must be fucking with you because—

“Stop giving me weird looks. I know how to help out around here, you know?”

“Duly noted, but I’m not sure how it would look on my end if the prince was helping me out with—” you gesture to the field around you, “—yard work.”

Joshua laughs, and once again you’re left in perplexity. “Weren’t you the one who reminded me that this is the 21st century? I don’t just sit around and do nothing, you know that right?”

“But still,” you mumble.

“Okay fine. If you’re so obsessed with this royal hierarchy thing, then I, as Prince Joshua, am officially requesting you to let me help. Surely you won’t turn that down.”

This man is so weird.

“Fine,” you relent, holding up the measuring tape. “You see that little circle in the middle where the pathways sort of curve around? I need to measure the circumference of it.”

“That’s it?” Joshua asks casually, grabbing one end of the measuring tape as you make your way to the plot. “Oh, I mean I guess it’s kinda big,” he adds, glancing down at the measuring tape. This one only goes up to 15 feet.”

“You’re right,” you mutter to yourself. “Okay here, let’s just use this,” you say, pulling out a roll of thin string and handing one end to Joshua. “If you stand here I’ll just circle it around and measure the length of the string,” you explain, unraveling the roll and walking around the outer edge of the circle, trailing the string behind you.

Joshua just stands in the spot that you placed him, holding the string and frowning. “I feel like I’m not helping much.”

“Trust me,” you reply under your breath. “You’re helping me just enough.” You don’t mean it to come out bitter, but it does anyways.

“What happened to all the royal hierarchy stuff that you were on about?”

Your eyes harden on him as you’ve made it halfway around the length of the circle, pausing to make sure he notices your subtle glare. “If you didn’t know, this is kind of my job on the line, and while you’ve made it clear that what I say doesn’t affect you, I’m not sure the same could be said for what other people see. So I’m sorry if I don’t want people looking at us and getting the wrong idea.”

“What do you mean the wrong idea?”

Huh. And here you thought that with all those royal tutors, the prince would be smart. Too bad for Joshua, but right now, he’s coming off as just about the densest guy alive.

You’ve been working at the castle for five weeks now. Since your last meeting with Joshua (he insists you get rid of the ‘Prince’ and ‘sir’ so diligently now that even in your head, you’ve removed him of those honorifics), you’ve only seen him twice.

The first was three days after he helped you measure the length of your soon to be pond. You were on the phone with a construction contractor in 77 when Joshua popped in to say ‘hi’ to Seokmin (how and why the two are friends, you don’t know, and you don’t care enough to ask). Noticing you were here past the regular working hour of six, he waited for a few moments to let you finish up your call before walking up to your desk.

“You know you don’t get paid overtime, right Sunshine?” he asks, confused on why exactly you were still here.

“Well work needs to get done,” you sigh heavily, taking a few seconds to clean up your desk and throw away a few old designs you sketched earlier.

“Hey, those looked cool, why’d you trash them?”

“They didn’t work,” you tell him, rummaging through more papers to find the few that you actually wanted to keep.

“Told you,” Seokmin comes up from behind Joshua, patting his shoulder. “She’s a tough judge—even on herself.”

“I get what you mean now,” Joshua murmurs, nodding along with his friend.

Your eyes snap up. “Why are you talking about me as if I’m not here—wait, why do you guys talk about me when I’m not here anyways?”

“You’re like the only one that’s nice to me in 77! Well, sort of,” Seokmin reasons with you.

“I mean you do kind of suck as an intern—”

“Hey! I just happened to get distracted a lot. I’m an honest worker, trust!”

You huff, finally finding the paper that you were looking for. It’s a design for a couple plaques that you want posted above the entrances, and you tuck it into a folder.

“Is that in Latin?” Joshua piques when he catches a glimpse of the wording.

“Uh, yeah—you know Latin?”

“He’s a prince. Of course he does,” Seokmin tells you, turning around to nudge his friend on the side. “This spoiled brat has been learning Latin since he was six!”

Joshua scoffs. “Who’re you calling a spoiled brat? You were in those classes with me too!”

You consider wondering about who exactly Seokmin is and why he was in those classes with a prince, why he’s so close with Joshua, and a plethora of questions run through your mind, before you remind yourself that you really don’t care.

“Yeah but—” Seokmin tries to reason with his friend before you stand up and both of their attention are directed at you.

“You’re right Pri—Joshua. I don’t get paid overtime, so I’m gonna get going now.” You bow at him and then Seokmin, grabbing your folder and bag before pushing in your chair and heading to the exit. Awkwardly, the two boys say bye to you before glancing at each other.

“That was weird,” Seokmin says, and Joshua shrugs.

“I guess.”

“Did you actually understand what she wrote or were you just bluffing? I don’t remember shit from those Latin lessons.”

Joshua rolls his eyes and nods. “Yeah, but I only got the second word. Said ‘invictus,’ I think.”

“Huh, cool. Got no clue what that means.”

“It means undefeatable, dipshit,” Joshua groans. “Seriously, how’d you pass that class!”

“Hey, I was a great student—I just have, uh, bad memory,” Seokmin pouts.

“Yeah I can tell … seriously, how did you manage to fuck up the yarrows even after she,” Joshua gestures behind him as if to point at where you exited just a few moments earlier, “sent you all those instructions and all!”

“God, don’t remind me. I actually feel really bad, ‘cause Mr. Park yelled at her too for giving me ‘the wrong instructions,’ but I really just forgot what she told me.” Cringing at the mental image of both you and Seokmin being scolded by Mr. Park, Joshua shakes his head—that is not a pretty scene.

Joshua sighs, the two of them making their way out of the empty 77 and walking down the corridor towards the Royal Residence Quart. “Why’re you even interning for him? You don’t need a job, especially not as one being an assistant.”

“My dad’s pissed at me, remember?” Seokmin tells his friend gruffly, and Joshua purses his lips at the mention of the older man.

“Right.”

“Wanted to punish me for the summer or whatever, but I guess it’s not too bad. The staff are actually pretty funny, and your Sunshine girl is really bossy so she gives me a lot of work to do.”

“I can’t tell if you’re complaining or celebrating.”

“Both, I think,” Seokmin replies, the two of them laughing together. “Why do you talk to her so much? She’s even snappier to you than to me, and trust me, I can be pretty damn annoying.”

“Like I don’t know that,” Joshua mutters teasingly, earning him a punch on the arm. “But anyways, she seems interesting. Like cool, you know what I mean.”

“I guess,” Seokmin says absentmindedly. “Wonder what my dad would say about that.”

“Okay well your dad isn’t the King so I don’t really think it matters what your dad says about it.”

Seokmin raises a brow. “You sure? My dad almost had me transferred out of 77 because he heard I had to work with her.”

“Well that’s his own problem I guess. Just don’t let him bring it up with my dad because I’m not keen on having any more drama in this castle,” Joshua mumbles, stopping in front of the big door that leads to the residence.

Seokmin nods at one of the guards standing by the door, and she presses a code to a small box on the wall and the doors open. “You coming? Dinner’s about to be served,” he calls to Joshua when he walks forward but realizes his friend isn’t by his side.

Smiling, Joshua shakes his head and waves Seokmin off. “I’m gonna take a breather for a bit. Tell them to start dinner without me.”

Seokmin laughs. “You know they won’t do that.”

“I know, I know, but it’s the gesture that counts anyways. I’ll be back in twenty, trust.”

The second time you saw Joshua was yesterday evening just as you were just leaving 77 to head home, your arms full of papers to look through in the night. After getting the pathways cleaned up, you needed to work on adding more structures to the courtyard, but were at a loss of what to make and what to make it with.

With your stack of papers that were littered with different possible materials and architectural structures that you promised yourself to get through by the end of the night, even if it meant pulling a whole damn all nighter.

“Is Sunshine leaving at a normal time for once?” Joshua asks with a faux gasp as he comes across you in the hallway.

With the paper’s digging into your arms, you can only manage to grunt out a short, “Thankfully, I am,” before increasing your pace so you can get all this stuff to your car as quickly as possible.

“Hey, wait!” Joshua calls out from behind you, and you almost whine because your arms are killing you and you aren’t sure how much more of this you can handle. “Do you need help? I can—”

He’s cut off by the sound of your phone slipping from your pocket and crashing to the ground. “Shit,” you whimper under your breath as you try to balance all the papers on one hand while crouching down to pick up your phone with the other. You’re wobbling under all the weight, and you have half a mind to give up right here and now but then a larger hand is pushing itself into your vision.

“Here,” he says, quickly turning over the device to check for any cracks on the scene. In that fraction of a moment, your phone turns on and flashes your very bright and very embarrassing lock screen. Your face burns as you snatch the phone from his hands and tuck it back into your pocket. “Is that Percy Jackson?”

Adjusting the papers in your hand, you shuffle your feet and start walking toward the exit. Joshua follows, as expected. “Uh, yeah—I know it’s embarrassing but—”

“Uh, you did not just say that,” Joshua scoffs, and when you catch the oddly offended look on his face, your annoyance dissipates for a moment. “Percy Jackson is not embarrassing. Those books were like the defining character of my pre-teens.”

You chew on your lip, wondering how you should respond to this. “That’s cool. I used to like the stories too …”

“Seems like you still do, considering it’s like, your lock screen and all.”

“Look, I just have it ‘cause it looks cool,” you tell him bashfully, speeding up the pace of your steps in hopes that it’ll bring this conversation to end faster.

“Uh yeah, sure. Totally believe you.”

“I’m serious,” you huff. “I liked the books ages ago, but now I’m only interested in Greek mythology. It just so happens that the best art of Greek gods comes from Percy Jackson fan artists.”

“Sure. sure,” Joshua says blankly with a smirk teasing at his lips. “Again, totally believe you.” You don’t know why his subtle teasing has you gripping onto your papers so tightly, why it has you gritting your teeth together. And then you remember who this is and it all makes sense.

Joshua is playful and lighthearted, but he is still the Prince, after all.

Your sixth week at the castle, and you’re nearing the halfway mark for your project’s timeline. You’ve spent the past week working on getting some stone benches built into the courtyard, and just this morning you sent in an order to get some plaques engraved.

Mr. Park stopped by when you were checking out your progress earlier, glancing at the pathways and the nearly completed seating. He didn’t say anything, simply nodding and walking along, and you figure that that’s the best you’ll get from him.

Your day goes by fine, for the most part after that. When you take your lunch break at the cafeteria, Seokmin tags along and you’re pleased that for once, you won’t have to eat alone. He has to leave soon after though—apparently Jihoon called for his help, and so you’re left to take care of this afternoon’s work by yourself.

Not that you mind—people let you be in the castle, and it’s actually quite nice for getting work done. When you return to 77, it’s only occupied by Mr. Park who, as always, pays no mind to you. Taking a look at your schedule, you aren’t sure if you feel like smiling or frowning when you see your next activity lined up.

Visiting the greenhouse.

There’s an odd feeling that blooms in your stomach as you walk there. You haven’t been to this side of this castle yet, partly because you don’t need to, but mostly because you don’t want to.

It’s when you leave the walls and take your way out to the Northeastern gardens of the palace that the pathways start ringing bells in your head. The familiar green bushes that you remember your mother tending to. The fields of daffodils, and the little built in canals that lead toward the row of greenhouses—it’s all flooding back to you, and you can’t figure out if you like it or not.

When you first came to the castle, you figured that you could avoid confronting the remnants of your past, but you should’ve known that everything eventually goes full circle.

Which is how you find yourself standing in front of the greenhouse where everything—your life, your mother’s life, all of it—ended on that day over ten long years ago.

Taking a deep breath, you go up to the door of the largest greenhouse ,tentatively tapping on the blurry glass before pushing it open. Peeking inside, you’re met with the familiar sight of flora arranged in neat lines of soil beds.

As you step in, the air is moist and stuffy—when you inhale, you’re reminded of those early Saturday mornings where you sat by your mother’s desk and watched her tend to the plants. The humidity was usually uncomfortable, but you learned to love it. Right now, you learn how much you missed it.

“Can I help you?” a gruff voice interrupts your thoughts, and you whip your head around to find an elderly woman glaring up at you.

“Hi, I called earlier and you said I could take some of the hyacinths. I just wanted to ask which greenhouse they’d be in because—”

“31C,” she says bluntly, immediately turning back around to tend to whatever she was doing earlier.

You watch her for a few seconds blankly, before snapping out of your haze, “O-okay, thank you.” Pursing your lips, you let your head hang low as you start walking toward the door.

“That damned slut,” the woman mutters quietly. You don’t think you want to hear it, but you continue to listen anyway. “Thinks she can just send her daughter over and—”

“And?”

You don’t think you’ve ever been more happy to hear Joshua’s voice.

Looking up, he’s just entered through the entrance you were about to exit through, and while you would usually mull over the possible reasons he would be here, you’re far more focused on watching the bewildered look on this woman’s face

“Nothing sir!” she replies quickly, back straightened as she presses her hands behind her back.

“Good to hear,” he says simply. You watch from the side as Joshua gives her a look that you can’t really gauge before turning to you with a brighter look on his face. “Seokmin told me I would find you here?”

“I—yeah, he was right.”

“Well I can see that Sunshine,” Joshua chuckles and waves your hand in a gesture to follow him. You don’t have any other choice than to follow him out the greenhouse and into the much freer, lighter air. “What’re you doing here anyways?” he asks when you start finding your way to 31C.

“I need to look at some flowers.” Joshua asks you quite a bit about the courtyard, and although you don’t really get it, you’ve learned that it’s easier to just reply to his questions honestly than try to avoid them.

“For the courtyard?” he piques as you finally find the smaller greenhouse, opening the door to thankfully find it empty of anyone else.

Your gaze lands on a bed of hyacinths as you reply, “What else?”

“Okay, you need to stop answering all of my questions like I’m stupid.”

Huffing, you pull up a pot from under the bed and fill it up with soil before digging your hands into the dirt around one of the hyacinth plants. Your fingers search under the earth before feeling against the roots and carefully pulling out the plant.

“Maybe stop asking stupid questions then,” you suggest.

“Seeing as you think I’m dumb … do you want to tutor me?”

“What?” you deadpan, looking up at him with your hands still in the dirt. “Why?”

“I mean like, you’re smart and all, plus we get along—”

You click your tongue, finally pulling the plant out of the soil and pressing it into the pot. “Not so sure about that second part.”

“Okay well we have some shared interests and stuff—”

“Like?” you counter, walking over to a sink so you can wash the excess soil off.

“Percy Jackson. Greek mythology?”

Your ears perk up at that. “You like Greek mythology?”

“Yes! See! That’s like, already two common interests, Sunshine.”

“More like only two. And one of them is a book series I haven’t read in about nine years so I’m not even sure it counts,” you rebut.

“Oh no, it definitely counts,” Joshua counters, watching you pick up the flower pot and head towards the greenhouse exit. “Wait, we’re diverting from the point here.”

“What is the point again?”

“You need to tutor me!” he whines as he follows behind you, up the pathway back to the castle.

“I need to? Uh, sorry, but I don’t think tutoring the Prince is under my job description.”

“This is a different job though!”

You knit your eyebrows together. “Am I getting paid?”

“You might,” Joshua smirks. “I’ll pay you by the hour.”

Pondering, you chew on the inside of your cheek, before you finally respond, “How much are we talking?”

Joshua grins, shaking his head. “Should’ve known money was the way to your heart Sunshine.”

“Money is not the way to my heart. It’s just the way to get me to tutor you. Don’t mix those two up.”

“Don’t worry Sunshine, I wish you all the best in finding your sugar daddy husband eventually.”

Glaring, you chastise him. “Joshua!”

“Why did you ask me to do this again?” you ask, stepping into the room Joshua has just led you to. It’s near the Royal Residence Quart of the castle, and you’re a bit on edge. Joshua assured you earlier that no one would question why you of all people would be here with him, but you’ve also noticed that the boy can be a bit distant from reality.

“Because,” Joshua starts, watching you look around the room (it is a very nice room; bookshelves line the walls and there’s a grand desk in the middle, a rolling chalkboard on one end and a vintage map on another rolling board scattered off to another end). “I don’t like the royal tutor they have, and you’re smart,” he says casually.

“You can’t ask for another one?” you murmur, raising a brow as he moves to the desk and hands you a folder.

“I could, but my mother would get upset if I keep running through them. I’ve changed my tutors far too many times by now.”

“Ah,” you say dryly. “The extreme difficulties of the royalty. How unfortunate.”

“Sunshine,” Joshua grins, ignoring your snarky comment. “Can you at least pretend you want to be here?”

“Um, I’ll think about it,” you reply honestly, pursing your lips together as you glance at his chalkboard which has a list of things he needs to go over. “What is it that you need help on?”

“Well I’m good at math and stuff but Literature and Chemistry are quite literally killing me,” Joshua says with a sigh, sitting down at his desk.

“Literature?” you ask with narrowed eyes. “You’re the Prince—isn’t Literature supposed to be like, I don’t know, your forte?”

“Who told you that?” Joshua asks with a pout, pulling up a packet of papers and letting it down on his desk with a thud.

“I don’t know, I guess I just assumed they’d be having you read Machiavelli or something like that from the age of two.”

Joshua scoffs, holding up the book so you can read out the title. Oh, it’s The Waste Land. “Okay I get that this is a kingdom and all but seriously, who even uses Machiavellianism anymore? That’s from like six hundred years ago.”

“Less than that,” you correct, but shrug anyways and sit down at the chair on the other side of his desk. “But whatever, you need help with The Waste Land?”

“I mean, yeah I’ve read it a bunch but I just never get it and my mom is obsessed with it for some reason and I really don’t want her to make me sit through another read of it so I really need to write up something good on it that will satisfy my Literature instructor and my mom so I can get it out of the way.”

“A paper?”

“Yeah, you know: analyzing themes and stuff.”

“Okay I know what a paper is,” you snap and Joshua rolls his eyes.

“Look now you’re just picking fights over everything I say. Just relax and—”

“I am relaxed,” you huff, but the tension in your shoulders says otherwise. To be honest, you’re still not sure why Joshua decided to choose you of all people, as if you haven’t made it clear multiple times that you weren’t his biggest fan.

You can respect the effort, you guess, but the way he seems so unbothered by your snarkiness is getting a little bit irritating.

“Whatever you say Sunshine,” Joshua says with a shrug, turning the packet and handing it to you. The poem is littered with annotations, underlines, and highlighter marks all over, and you squint for a moment trying to remind yourself of what you remember from the last time you looked at the work. “You read it before? The Waste Land?”

“Uh, yeah, ages ago though. Like back in high school,” murmur, flipping through the pages to jog your memory.

“Why were you reading The Waste Land in high school? Seems like too much, no?”

“Well not everyone was granted the freedom to do as they please with whoever they please,” you tell him, eyes flickering between Joshua’s curious face and the packet in front of you.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Joshua asks, and his voice is slightly whiny.

“It means that people didn’t want to talk to me so I had to spend my time reading. Even if it was ‘too much,’ or whatever you said.”

“Oh,” Joshua’s voice is quiet. See, you remind yourself, clouded from reality is what Joshua is. “Well I—”

“Forget it. I think I’m going to have to go home and reread The Waste Land if you want me to be of any help. What else do you have to work on, or do you just want to do Chemistry?”

“Uh, sure we can move onto Chemistry,” Joshua replies hastily, tucking the paper back into his folder haphazardly before shoving it into a drawer and pulling out a much thicker notebook. “I kinda need help with a lot of it. Like—I’m sorry I just don’t get it—what the hell is an electrophile and a nucleophiles and why the hell I need to know them for alkanes and—”

“Slow down,” you say, sticking your hand out. You grab the notebook from his desk and skip over the contents before looking back up. “If you want me to do this for you, we’re going to have to start from the basics, okay?”

Joshua gives you a look which tells you he doesn’t think he needs to do that, but you open the notebook to a new page, pulling out a pen. Begrudgingly, he nods and leans his head in to see what you’re writing.

He’s oddly compliant when you ask him to be, despite his jumpy and bubbly personality, and for a fraction of a second, you wonder about his potential. Quickly, you push that thought out of your mind.

It’s late afternoon when you reach the courtyard, smiling at the progress. You told the workers to get started on digging up the pond this morning, and you’re pleased to see that there’s already a large dugout in the century.

“Good work!” you chirp to Jungho, the contractor you talked to over the phone. He seemed nice enough over the phone, but you soon realized within the first time that you two met in person that he was just as standoff-ish as the rest. “But we’re going to need to get the insides patted down and compressed so when we put the water in, the soil won’t just soak it up,” you try to tell him casually.

Jungho points his thumb behind him at some of his men. “Yeah we have a guy for that,” he says gruffly, not even meeting your gaze.

“Thanks … maybe have it finished within a week?”

“Okay. Anything else?” Jungho looks around awkwardly, before adding. “Want us to get the water in there too? Then we can get outta … outta your hair and stuff and don’t have to keep coming back.”

“Uh, no—there’s some lining I want to do with the pond, and I’ve got to do that before there’s water in it. But it’s something I want to do myself, so you can just take care of compressing the soil and I’ll take it from there.”

Jungho gives you a weird look but you brush it off. “Alright. We’ll have it finished by tomorrow,” he finalizes, and with that he turns on his heels and walks back to his workers who you can tell were watching him from the corner of their vision.

“Why are those guys looking at you like that?”

You whip your head around, seeing Joshua standing just a few meters away from you on the pathway coming in from the East entrance. He glances around and finds a marble bench that’s just been made, sitting on the edge casually.

“Joshua, you’ve seen people look at me like that before and I think you know exactly why,” you mutter, walking over to where he sits. Joshua doesn’t respond and instead averts his gaze to the ground.

There’s a stray kitten bouncing around at his feet, and he’s quick to drop to his knees on the pathway and engulf her in his large hands. It would be an endearing sight, you think. Sorta, you guess.

“Whatever. You’re still coming in on Sunday right? My instructor prepared this stupid Chemistry exam for me on Tuesdays and I know you can’t help out on Mondays so I kind of really need you to help me on Sunday so I can prep. So please, please, please—”

“You know I’m gonna come in, so you don’t have to pester me so much about it,” you say with a sigh, putting your folder down and crouching on the ground so you can pet the kitten. She’s cute, with wide slanted eyes and soft brown fur, the wet kitten licks feeling warm against your palm.

“But you put up with it, don’t you?” You roll your eyes but Joshua still grins when you don’t disagree.

“I don’t understand you,” you mutter, truthfully speaking your mind as the kitten rolls around in Joshua’s lap. You smile without thinking, and Joshua carefully watches your usually taut face unravel in front of him.

“Are you kidding me? I’m literally an open book. You know Sunshine, you can find my whole life on Wikipedia.”

You giggle. You fucking giggle at that, and it’s hard to tell who is more surprised between the two of you. “You know that’s not what I meant,” you murmur, struggling to hold back another laugh, the kitten jumping out of his lap to play around on the ground under the gentle hands of you and Joshua.

“Not that I would know. You think I’m stupid anyways.”

“What? No I don’t.”

“Oh my god, please don’t even try to counter that. When I told you I didn’t know why helium was named helium, you looked at me like I was the dumbest person to ever live.”

“Okay that’s only because you say you like Greek mythology! How could you not put that together—it’s so obvious! Helium and Helios sound totally alike, and everyone knows helium is like, one of the most abundant elements in the sun.”

“Maybe you know that. You’re also insanely smart,” Joshua counters.

“Whatever you say. But for the record, I don’t think you’re stupid. Maybe a little dense, but that’s it.”

Joshua pouts. “Aren’t those basically the same thing?” You know he’s only being playful, but something about the way he says it makes you think twice. He’s being sweet. So sweet, it feels almost bitter.

“No. You have a smart head, Joshua. Honest. I think you just gotta learn how to use it,” you tell him, more softly this time.

“Thanks Sunshine,” he replies gruffly and you frown, realizing that your attempts to make him feel better haven’t quite worked.

“I’m serious. What? You don’t think I’m serious?” Joshua shakes his head, and you roll your eyes when you pick up the kitten yourself and pull her into your lap.

“You’re mean. So no, I don’t think you’re being serious.”

You gasp, using the hand that isn’t playing with the kitten to place it over your chest dramatically. “I am not mean. I’m just honest. I’m being honest right now.”

“Whatever,” Joshua quips, turning his nose and looking away pettily.

“Okay, are you actually upset?” you groan, cradling the kitten up to your chest. You aren’t sure if you’re more annoyed because you can’t tell if Joshua is upset, or because you might be the reason he’s upset.

“Who knows. Not that you would care.”

“I obviously care, because I’m asking,” you deadpan, letting the kitten roll around in your arms, letting out a squeak of surprise when one of its claws gets caught in the belt of your robe, making a tear in the silk.

Joshua gives you a funny look when he says, “You can be quite pestering when you want to.”

“Congratulations! You now know how I feel.”

“See what I mean! You’re mean. I want the kitten back.”

You clutch the little close to your chest and nuzzle your face into her neck. “No can do. I’m afraid she’s mine until you admit you know I don’t think you’re stupid.”

“Oh my god, is this how it feels when I annoy you?” Joshua grumbles, throwing his head back. “Remind me to never pester you again. Ever.”

“Self awareness is great and all, but like I said, you’re not getting her until you admit it.”

“Fine. I don’t think you think I’m stupid. Happy?”

You hum and shake your head. “Mm, no. Gotta sound more convincing.”

Joshua knits his eyebrows together. “If you’re so insistent on this, then I guess it must be true. I don’t think you think I’m stupid,” he repeats, but his tone is gentler this time.

“Good work.”

Joshua stands tall on a hill. His broad shoulders are sharp with his straightened back and taught jaw. The sky is orange and you watch him from below, the clouds moving slowly above his head in the background.

He’s looking out at something, but you can’t quite tell what. It’s off in the distance, but his eyes are dilated and unwavering for a few long moments.

Wind whistles in your ear, and then the sky grows brighter and brighter until it’s no longer orange and suddenly turning yellow and then white. So white that it hinders your vision and you’re wincing through the light until you realize Joshua is not on the hill anymore.

You look around frantically to no avail—you can’t see anything but white with black spots in your vision and you feel like you’re going blind. And you want to scream but when you open your mouth no sound comes and the blowing of wind grows louder and louder until it sounds like you’re at the beach.

Looking around, you see your legs knee deep in ocean water and you’re no longer hearing the rampage of wind and instead the crashing of waves against rocks. There isn’t a hill anymore, there’s a cliff, but still no sight of Joshua.

It’s still so bright, so bright and you close your eyes tightly again until you feel a shade fall over your figure. A gasp escapes your lips when you see what’s above you.

Wide wings, ornate with white and golden feathers, perched over Joshua’s back as he hovers above you. He’s not looking anywhere else now, only you.

His face glows and then he smiles and you close your eyes one last time but when you open them again, all you see is darkness.

You’ve never been great at remembering dreams. More often than not, you wake up with no remnants of the life you lived in your head the night before, and on the rare occasions that you do happen to recall something, it’s only just random snippets that also hardly make sense.

Last night was no different, although you do wake up with an uneasy feeling, not because of what you dreamed about—you don’t remember that—but because you know you dreamed about Joshua. It’s just the wake up call you need to tell yourself that maybe, just maybe, you’re spending more time with him than you should.

It’s a Saturday morning as you trudge out of bed and to the kitchen, trying to settle the weird feelings that course through your veins when you see your mother brewing a pot of tea. “How’d you sleep?” she asks, not looking up from the boiling water.

Shrugging as you grab a home-grown orange, you respond, “Well enough.”

“Can’t believe they have you going to the palace on the weekends too … I never had to work on Saturdays or Sundays.”

You wonder how she brings up her time at the castle so casually—you don’t know if you’ll ever understand her. “I really don’t have to—I can work on my own schedule basically whenever, as long as I get the courtyard finished by the end of three months.”

“And how’s that going?”

“Behind schedule. Obviously. That’s why I’m heading in again.”

Your mother smiles and walks over, ruffling your hair. “I’m glad you’re working hard on this—I can tell you’re enjoying it, as much as you didn’t want to go there.”

“It’s nice, I guess. I get to be creative, and get paid. Really, getting the money is all I care about,” you tell her casually, taking the peel off the orange and popping a piece into your mouth.

“You don’t talk about it much, but I’m assuming people don’t give you that hard of a time? You always come home fine.”

They do, it just doesn’t happen to be anything you’re not used to. Your mind flashes to Joshua and Seokmin for a moment, and you’re once again reminded of the unnerving fact that you did dream about the former, and you can’t even remember what it was about. “Things are fine.”

You’re three tutoring sessions in with Joshua, and it’s finally the day that you pull out your own copy of The Waste Land. “Oh thank god,” he says with a breath of relief when he sees it. “This paper has been bugging me forever—if we didn’t get started on it soon I might’ve combust.”

“I appreciate the vivid imagery,” you say dryly, “but I really did not need to picture that in my head.”

“Sorry,” Joshua says with a shrug as you sit across from him. “So what’re we gonna do today, Sunshine?”

“Hmm, get through the first part hopefully. We can read it back and forth and talk about it together, so you can take notes. It might be easier that way, so you can get all your thoughts and ideas out, and then it’ll be easier for you to write that paper.”

“Sounds boring.”

“I guess I’ll just pack my stuff and—”

“Okay! Okay! I was just joking. Let’s start, please,” he complies easily, and you smirk as you sit back down.

“Good to hear. Read this part.”

You’re around an hour and a half into the lesson, still working through the first part as Joshua frowns when you finish another stanza.

“Do we have to keep going?” he whines.

“Yes we do. Let’s work with this part now. Read it out for me,” you instruct, pointing out a stanza on your own paper.

“Why—” You give him a look. “—okay fine.”

‘You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;‘They called me the hyacinth girl.’—Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could notSpeak, and my eyes failed, I was neitherLiving nor dead, and I knew nothing,Looking into the heart of light, the silence.Oed’ und leer das Meer.

When he’s done, Joshua looks up at you blankly. “If I’m being honest, I have zero clue what this means.”

You sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose. “You’ve said that every time you read a new section, but I know that’s not true, because you literally always come up with something.”

Joshua scrunches up his face and slaps his hands to his cheeks in frustration. “But now I’m being serious! This is making no sense to me—I hate Literature, okay? My brain is dead right now and I don’t think I can do any more Sunshine.”

“We’ve been doing this for less than two hours,” you say bluntly. “Look—you said you like Greek mythology right? Try and draw some connections. Maybe that’ll make this more enjoyable.”

“I hardly think T.S. Elliot could produce anything I enjoy,” Joshua huffs as he tilts the page so he can read it better, “But fine. I still don’t get what about this has anything to do with mytho—oh!”

“Finally! You get it?”

“Hyacinthus!” You nod eagerly, gesturing your hands to tell him to go on. “Uh, it was that story with Apollo. Shit, what was the story again?” He looks up and taps at his chin, but when you open your mouth to help him out, Joshua sticks a hand in front of your face and shakes his head. “No wait, I remember. The one where they were in love but Apollo accidentally killed him when they were playing a game!”

“You’re right. The blood of Hyacinthus was eventually turned into flowers by Apollo to honor his death or something like that. In the context of this poem … the giver of the hyacinth flower is almost like a sign of—”

Joshua snaps his fingers in the air and grins. “Forgiveness!”

“Well, not exactly giving forgiveness, but asking for it.”

“Kind of like … saying you’re sorry?” Joshua smiles brighter when you nod. “Holy shit, maybe I do enjoy T.S. Elliot.”

You roll your eyes and point at his notebook and pen. “Good, now write that down. You are going to have to write about this, remember?”

Joshua pouts, but picks up the pen nevertheless. “Whatever you say Sunshine.”

“Joshua told me to tell you that he thinks T.S. Elliot sucks,” Seokmin says, coming up to you in the cafeteria as you polish off your own tray. It’s a large and grand area—an old ballroom that turned into a commonplace for the workers.

Large mirrors plate the walls, and across from you, you can watch Seokmin’s reflection as he sits down next to you. Rolling your eyes, you turn to look at him, “He’s only saying that because I told him to write the paper himself.”

Seokmin furrows his eyebrows as he places a white box, a little larger than the size of your hand, on the table. Glancing around, you catch people in the mirror watching you with wavering gazes before turning away when they find you looking at them.

Huff lightly, you turn your attention back to Seokmin. “What’s this?”

“Joshua told me to give it to you.”

That’s new. Tentatively, you lift the lid a little to peek inside, only finding a haphazard mess of stuffing paper with something purple concealed underneath. “Would it be a smart decision to open it right now?”

“Oh my gosh, it’s not an explosive or anything.”

“You don’t know that!”

Seokmin rolls his eyes himself this time. “Yes I do. I packed it.”

“Ugh, even worse. I’m not opening it if you’re around. That’s embarrassing.”

“Is not! I think that you should—” Seokmin is cut off by the sound of his own phone ringing, cursing under his breath when he sees the caller ID. For a moment, you consider peering over and taking a look, but Seokmin stands up too quickly. “I gotta go for a second. I’ll catch you before you leave!” he calls out when he’s already pushing his chair in and rushing off into the distance.

You laugh at his hurry, wondering what could possibly ensue such nervousness from the boy, but you quickly remind yourself that this is Seokmin and he gets the jitters when he even has to think about being around Mr. Park for more than twenty minutes.

Soon, you start to clean up your area yourself, putting your trays away and throwing away your trash in the weirdly fancy bins they have scattered around the hall. As your lunch break nears its end, you grab the oddly light box, your phone, and make your way back to 77.

The room is empty, safe for Jihoon who’s got his head buried in his laptop, and you think it’s a good time to check what’s inside. If it is an explosive, you’ll just have to apologize to Jihoon in the afterlife.

Opening the lid, those same, crumpled papers lay on top, but this time you notice a little white card in the middle. Pursing your lips, your eyes flicker to your side to see if Jihoon’s watching (he never is, but it doesn’t hurt to check), and when your privacy is confirmed, you flip the paper over.

There’s a message written in purple pen, adorning a handwriting that you can distinctly recognize as Joshua’s.

Thank you for all the help. I really owe you one.

You aren’t quite sure what he’s talking about, and you make a mental note to ask him about it when you see him later. Right now, you rummage through the papers, hands feeling the space beneath them before they land on a smooth layer of fabric.

Confused, you pull it out, only to see it’s a ribbon, much like the one tied around your own waist. Same color, same material, same emblem, the only difference being …

You glance down at your own robes where the ribbon has a small tear at one end from where the kitten had pawed at you. You have to blink a few times to realize what Joshua’s intentions were, and when you do, you can’t help the warm smile that begrudgingly makes its way onto your face.

Quickly, you tug the ends of the ribbon around your waist and let it unravel, taking the new ribbon and tying it just as your mother taught you. It’s the same thing as the one before, yes, but this is different. This is a gift.

Donning Joshua’s (your?) ribbon, you start to clean up your desk space and tuck your old ribbon back into your bag. You forgot to tell Seokmin you’re tutoring Joshua this afternoon, so as you pack up you text him a sincere ‘thank you’ message, and let him know that you might not be able to see him before you go. You don’t get a response, which is slightly odd since Seokmin seems to always be on top of things, but you shrug it off and remind yourself that he’s busy.

Today, you make your way down the smaller halls with a little skip to your step. Joshua showed you this pathway earlier so it’d be easier to get to his study room without being seen; it’s a nice little series of corridors that are a little dimmer and narrower, but still hold the lavish feel you always get walking through the palace.

You can hear the voices of a few people, but it seems quiet, hushed, and somehow a little heated—in other words, caught up in their own world. Being in the castle for almost two months now, you’ve learned to realize what kind of situations need your caution and which ones don’t. This is the latter.

You smile to yourself, smoothing your palms over the new, not-torn silk ribbon around your waist, as you near the second entrance to his study, about to enter another hallway to the final stretch and—shit.

When you turn a corner, your heart stops.

You turn back and run down the corridor. You don’t know if Seokmin saw you, and quite frankly, you don’t care.

It didn’t take you more than a second to put two and two together and suddenly you’re pushed back into your nine year old body—you don’t really know what’s happening or why it’s happening, all you know is that it hurts.

You’re going to have to apologize to Joshua for flaking on him. Surely he’ll understand that you were just a little bit upset by the sight you had to see.

After all, you did just witness Seokmin, quite literally your only real friend in this damn castle, speaking to Advisor Lee, the man who tore your mother’s life down. And now is when everything starts to click, because you realize that Seokmin is Advisor Lee’s son.

Of course he was close with Joshua—he probably grew up on these very castle grounds. Of course they attended the same classes—his father was the King’s advisor and cousin.

It makes sense now, and in your bleary haze as you make your way back to 77, you’re not sure what to do. You rush past a few other staff members murmuring under their breath when they see you, and you usually wouldn’t be bothered by the sight but now you remember that this is the first time you’ve cried since you got here, and it’s all because of that man who started this all in the first place.

As you lock yourself in one of the staff bathrooms, you catch your disheveled appearance and furiously wipe at your cheeks. Fuck. You shouldn’t be crying. You can’t be crying over this, because god knows you did not spend years thickening your skin for it to be cut open like this.

You should’ve known. Should’ve fucking known.

You try to stop your tears, telling yourself that they’re all the same. That you shouldn’t have expected anything more from these people, that you should’ve picked up on how Seokmin was definitely someone important, that you should’ve never fallen for his and Joshua’s sweet games.

“Shit,” you gasp out as a sob rips from your throat, and you clutch the side of the sink as uneasiness bubbles up in your stomach and spreads through your limbs until you’re trembling.

Maybe you let him get so close because you thought he saw you for something else. Maybe you believed that he saw you as more than a pity project. More than someone who was defined by their past.

Joshua and Seokmin—they knew. They knew everything this whole damn time.

And now you’re angry—you’re so fucking angry. Tugging at your hair, ripping up your clothes, and thrashing your limbs around kind of angry. The kind of anger that poisons your bones and makes your body ache until you can’t take it anymore. The kind of anger that wraps its hand around your throat and squeezes the air out of you until you can do nothing but relent. The kind of anger that has you looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking, what the fuck.

The worst thing is you can’t even be mad at him. You want to be mad at him and you want to be mad at Joshua. You want to have the will to go up to them and slap the smiles off their faces because how dare Seokmin be the own flesh and blood of Advisor Lee, and how dare Joshua know and not have the guts to tell you.

Because after everything, Seokmin and Joshua were your friends and—fuck—they were some damn good friends. Your best friends, maybe, if you ever had the liberty to even know what that means.

And it wasn’t because they were overly nice, or excessively cheery, or because Seokim was always grinning and Joshua was always smirking, but because when they talked to you, they were talking to you, and not some shell of your past.

Finally, now, when you press your face into your hands as your last attempt to calm yourself down, you feel like you can breathe. You’re not sure where your head is at, and something tells you that it’s gonna take a damn long time to figure it out.

You’re a little lost.

You were just trying to get to the South end entrance of the courtyard but you must have taken a wrong turn or something because you’re walking down a corridor you’ve quite literally never seen before. It’s similar to the hallways of the rest of the palace, but it’s slightly taller and a bit more narrow, and the workers walking through wear faces that you aren’t familiar with. You’re a little nervous about where your feet are taking you, and you consider just turning around and retracing your steps when you hear a voice.

Seokmin’s voice is loud when he calls your name, and you press your lips together tightly when it rings in your ears. “What are you doing here? You usually don’t come down to the South e—” he starts to say when walks up to you from a corridor to your left.

“Nothing,” you reply briskly, turning on your heel so your back is pretty much facing him. “I was just leaving actually.”

“What—hey! Slow down! Where’re you going?”

“77,” you mutter under your breath as you speed up your pace.

“Slow down!”

You don’t relent. “Seokmin, don’t you have stuff to do right now instead of following me around?” You can’t see the look on his face, but you can only imagine it’s one of defeat.

“I—” his voice is quieter this time, “Okay.”

The footsteps that were one following you die out, and as you browse the corners of your vision, you conclude that he’s finally left you alone. You should feel relieved—happy that he’s not bothering you now—but sometimes uneasy churns inside of you, and you aren’t sure what it is.

The rest of your day goes as it usually does in a palace. You tend to your work and as it hits late afternoon, you start making your way to Joshua’s study. Once again, you’re not sure where your head is at.

“Is everything alright?” Joshua asks you the second you walk in. “Seokmin told me you looked upset and wouldn’t talk to him so I—”

You inhale deeply before, putting your hands up in a stopping motion. “I can’t tutor you anymore.”

Joshua looks at you weirdly. “What, why?”

“Or talk to you,” you add.

“What—”

“Just—just don’t talk to me. Or ask me to tutor you. Or ask for my help, or ask to help me—you know what just like—I dunno, stay away from me.”

“Sunshine, where is this coming from?” Joshua pinches the bridge of his nose, and you don’t think he’s understanding the weight of his words.

“Why do you even talk to me?” you snap. “Like seriously, if you can bother any worker in the castle, why does it have to be me?”

Hurt flashes in Joshua’s face for hardly a second before he frowns deeply. “I—what’s going on?”

“Do you and Seokmin think this is funny? Being nice to me like—” You throw your hands in the air. “—like I’m some kind of joke?”

“What? No, Sunshine, what are you even talking about?”

“I know who Seokmin’s dad is.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” you scoff. “So if Seokmin still wants to know why I don’t feel like talking to him, maybe consider telling him that I’m not interested in being around someone whose father is literally the reason me and my mom’s lives have been so fucked up.”

Joshua winces at the last statement. You’ve been irritated with him, annoyed with him, and all that petty stuff, sure, but this is different.

“Seokmin isn’t like that, okay? He isn’t—you know—like that.”

“And how would you know?” you snap. “Prince Joshua, what do you know about having people be, quote unquote, above you? You have everything in front of you, and when people look at you and Seokmin it’s not ‘cause of some fucked up scandal which pinned your mom as the kingdom’s slut of the century, it’s ‘cause they literally bow down to your presence and—”

Something tells you to stop yourself. Maybe it’s the fact that you know you’re not actually angry at them. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re so fucking tired of being angry all the time that you can’t take it anymore. Maybe it’s the fact that when you finally look him in the eye, Joshua looks sad.

“I’m sorry,” he finally says meekly. “Seokmin should—we should’ve let you know earlier. I promise we didn’t be your friend just ‘cause of that,” he rambles. “I mean obviously we knew about it but we didn’t wanna bring it up because everyone was bringing it up and—I’m sorry. You know Seokmin isn’t like that.”

“And you?” you quip, but you know your retorts hold no weight. “How do I know you aren’t like—like that.”

Joshua falters and you watch him gulp. He looks tired and his lips are red from how hard he’s been chewing on them as you speak. “Y-you know,” his voice is quiet, “You know I’m not.”

You have your answer before you even have to think about it, but you pause for a few moments, waiting to respond. All that comes out is a shallow breath as you look down and squeeze your eyes shut. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I just—” You sigh weakly. “I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.” Joshua doesn’t respond—he knows you’re thinking.

You wonder what to do with yourself. You’re not angry. Not sad either. Uneasy? Maybe. It’s the uncertainty of it all. You don’t understand why you’re not mad, and you don’t understand why you want to forgive him so easily, but you’re starting to realize that you should stop trying to understand the things that might never make sense.

Finally, you nod. “It’s fine.”

“Sorry again. I guess we didn’t wanna make that whole thing all about you. Because like, you’re you, and whatever happened is separate.”

You purse your lips and nod. “Thank you.”

“Was that sarcasm?”

You glare at him. “Dipshit, no it wasn’t!”

“I’m taking this as a sign that you’re feeling better. Am I correct?”

You bite back a smile and shrug. “I guess.”

“Cool, ‘cause I think you’d like to know that my mom stopped by the courtyard the other day.”

“Oh yeah? What’d she say? This is all for her isn’t it—hopefully she liked it.”

“Yeah no, she said it was great. She thought the patterns of the pathway were cool and so she asked me if I could figure out why they were designed like that and I said no. By the way, why did you design them like that?”

“There’s this song I like. It’s called Isohel, and when I first heard it, I liked it a lot,” you explain. “Searched up what it means and stuff and then a few weeks later I was taking some filler class for the credits and my professor goes on some tangent about god-knows-what, and somehow he brings up pictures of an isohel map. An isohel—it’s basically a line which maps out the places that have the same duration of sunshine. Pretty cool, I think.”

“Is that what the pathways are? Are they—what is it—an isohel?”

“Mhm. On an isohel map, they’re not always just lines—they come around full circle sometimes so it looks like these funky, squiggly ovals sometimes,” you ramble. “So I took one of those circle-ish things and broke it up and pieced it together like a pathway.”

“That’s really smart.” Joshua pauses. “You’re really smart.”

It’s not the first time someone’s told you that. Fuck, it’s not even the first time Joshua’s told you that, but it feels different now. He means it, you know it in your bones.

“I-I dunno,” you stammer. “I guess. It just relates to the theme of the sun. My mom taught me about it when I was younger—I loved the sun.”

“So that’s what the theme of your courtyard is? Me and Seokmin have been betting on that for ages.”

You scoff, “You guys bet on that? Seriously, do you have nothing better to do with your time?”

“Clearly not!” he shoots back, causing you to laugh. “Are you really feeling better now?” Joshua asks sincerely, and when you smile and nod, he grins. “Hey, I just realized you talked to me about your feelings—”

“Don’t mention it,” you snap gruffly, crossing your arms over your chest.

Joshua clicks his tongue and chuckles. “There’s the Sunshine I know.”

It’s the next day when you walk into 77. Jihoon’s desk is empty, Mr. Park is just about to leave as you enter and you bow to him quickly as you settle in your desk. Seokmin is in the corner watering the yarrows, seeming to not have noticed you yet.

You watch him closely, smiling softly when you notice he stops before he can overwater them. Quietly, you set your stuff down and Seokmin begins to talk. “Oh, Jihoon, Mr. Park was just looking for you—oh,” he cuts himself flat when he turns around and sees you.

You’re not sure what to do, because Joshua didn’t exactly tell you if he told Seokmin about your conversation and what not, but the look on Seokmin’s face is telling you that he’s just a little behind on the news.

“Hey,” you say casually, throwing a hand up to wave at him as you set your bag down on your desk. Seokmin opens his mouth and then closes it a few times, as if he’s searching for the right words but they don’t quite come out for a few moments.

“Joshua told me that, uh, you know that—” He pauses and glances at you, trying to watch for any hints of anger on your face, but none comes.

“Don’t worry about it,” you say with a shrug, and Seokmin has to blink twice because he’s not sure he heard you correctly at all.

“W-what?”

You narrow your eyes at him. “I said don’t worry about it,” you state again, and then add more softly, “You’re not your father. I get it.” You get it more than anyone. “Anyways, did you get the workers to start planting the hyacinths?”

Seokmin shakes his head once to snap himself back into reality and then shakes his head again a second time. “Wait no, I mean—wait, yes! I mean yes! I did do that—I should go remind them to get on that,” he rambles quickly, clearly a little flustered.

You chuckle. “It’s good to see you’ve been watering the yarrows properly now. Mr. Park finally beat it into you?”

“Y-yeah I guess. I’ve been getting better at remembering them all,” he tells you, starting to fall into a more casual tone. It’s normal, you think. Nice and normal. Nice and normal and just what you need.

“What are you doing here?”

When you turn around with your bag slung over your shoulder, you’re surprised to see Joshua. “Um, working?”

“It’s a Saturday night,” he states, lips pinched together in a funny expression, like he can’t figure you out.

“I think I know that,” you chuckle. “I didn’t know if I could come in on Monday—I need to stop by the university campus for something—so I just came in today to take care of some stuff.”

“You’re a dedicated worker huh … you should just work here forever—the pay is great.”

“Mm, I’m not sure about that,” you say honestly as you look him up and down. It strikes you now that Prince Joshua truly is a handsome man. Dark velvety robes that are even more grand than the ones you’re used to seeing on him, well fit dress pants against his legs and shiny leather shoes that seem to fit his image perfectly. “Anyways, I heard there’s a ball tonight? You’re not going?”

Joshua shrugs as he turns around and starts walking, waving you over to follow him. “C’mon follow me.” You contemplate your choices before telling yourself, what’s the worst that could happen, scurrying on after him. “I left—it got boring, so I got about twenty-five minutes before someone calls me and asks me to come back. My bets are on it being Seokmin ‘cause he’ll get bored.”

You snort at that as the familiarity of this route starts to sink in. “Hey are we going to my …”

“Yeah. Seokmin told me you finally got it named, and I want to check it out.”

“Uh, yeah,” you murmur bashfully—you hadn’t expected Joshua to be that interested in it. You walk through the empty corridors to the hallway that has the North entrance of the courtyard, and Joshua cranes his neck up to look at the golden plaque that rests above the entrance.

“Sol Invictus, huh.”

You nudge him on the side playfully. “You know what that means, Mr. Latin Genius?”

“Of course I do,” he retorts with a roll of his eyes. “Sun god, or whatever,”

“God of sun, but you were close enough I guess,” you mutter as you walk through. The courtyard looks different in the night. It’s nearly done, and as the little warm lights you had placed in intervals along the path light up the scene, you can’t help but feel overwhelming pride with how well you’ve done.

“C’mon, let’s sit here,” he says, pointing down at the circular patch of grass that surrounds the pond in the middle. Joshua sits down first and you watch him carefully before quickly sitting next to him as well.

The grass is cool under your skin, but as a comfortable silence envelopes you and Joshua, you start to think you really don’t mind.

“I think lots of people think I’m stupid or something,” Joshua finally speaks up, and some uncomfortable feeling boils in your stomach at the words. “You know, the only thing people usually compliment me on is my fencing, really. And fencing is one of those things that, if you’ve been doing it as long as I have, you sort of gotta be good at it.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid.”

“I know. Thank you.” There’s a silence as he reaches over the stone lining of the hyacinth beds, plucking a few from the shrubs.

“Joshua!” you complain. “I had those planted just last week.”

“It’s fine,” he mumbles, handing the two he plucked to you. You don’t hesitate to keep your palms open for him, his fingers brushing over the skin of your arms as he does so. You rub the smooth petals between your fingers and a thumb, bringing one close to your chest before taking the other and handing it back to Joshua.

He looks at you, eyes clearly confused, but holds it to his own chest anyways. With your hands behind you on the ground, you lean back and look up at the sky, letting your shoulders relax. The night air pinches at your skin, but the soft fabric of Joshua tuxedo is warm as it brushes next to you.

“Why’d you name this pond Eridenus?” Joshua asks, pointing at the plaque by the pebble lining which spells out the word in fancy lettering.

“You don’t know where it’s from?” you sigh, lifting your head so you can shoot him a stern look. Joshua rolls his eyes and nudges your cheek with his shoulder, motioning you to lean back down at him.

“You know I’m a rascal—I’m forgetful. Tell me what it means.”

“It’s confirmed: you’re a fake mythology fan. I’m suing the universe.” Joshua chuckles and pokes you, egging you to go on. “Do you remember the story of Phaethon?”

Joshua hums. “Uh, son of Helios. Didn’t believe that he was his son. Asked to ride his carriage but lost control and almost burned the Earth?”

You shrug. “Well that’s most of it I guess. He’s racing down to the earth and everything is chaos—rivers boiling, forests on fires, people turning to ash—and so Zeus throws his bolt at him and kills Phaethon right in the sky.”

“Kind of like the story of Icarus. But the opposite I guess. Instead of getting too close to the sun, he brings the sun too close to the earth.”

“You could put it like that. They have the same meaning, I think. But anyways, Phaethon falls out of the carriage and as he dies he falls into this river called Eridenus.”

“Oh.” Joshua’s voice is quiet as you both watch the gentle water lap back and forth in front of you. The small waves hitting the stone barriers of the pound is the only sound that permeates the night sky, besides your shared breaths and the occasional whistling of wind.

“It’s kind of like—” You.

“Don’t say it.” Joshua’s words are crisp and short, and he doesn’t look at you. You want to say the words—I’m sorry—but they get stuck in your throat and ripple through your limbs as you scoot closer to him.

“Anyways,” Joshua finally says, but the word is only followed with silence.

“I think you need to get back to the ball,” you tell him quietly, lifting your head from his shoulder. Your skin burns from where it was previously pressed against him and you silently chide yourself for letting yourself get so close.

Joshua finally turns to face you, and you’re surprised when he chuckles. “So eager to get rid of me, Sunshine?” You scoff, pushing him away gently.

“I-I just don’t want you to get in trouble!” you stutter as you push yourself off the ground, Joshua following suit.

“Aw, so you care about me?” His eyes crinkle up in that familiar way when he says it and you can’t help the childish grin that makes its way onto your face.

“More like I don’t want you to complain to me about how you got scolded!”

“Mm, sounds a lot like you care about me,” Joshua counters, returning your smile with one of his own. You roll your eyes and carefully skip in your dress toward the exit on the North end of the courtyard.

When you almost trip over your robes, Joshua catches you and his rough palm presses against the small of your back as you regain your balance, the two of you giggling together as he drops you off at 77 before heading to the ballroom.

It’s almost laughable how happy you are. Silly you for forgetting that fairytales don’t happen in real life.

The walls look brighter, the chandeliers that hang from the ceiling seem to glitter a bit more, the ground seems smoother; you enjoy walking through the castle in a way you never thought you could.

It’s a normal evening and you’re nearing the end of your time at the castle, but you choose to ignore the odd feeling you get when you think too long about leaving this place. There’s still more work to get done, and you don’t want to spend your time focusing on things that you know will only distract you.

You’re in the middle of Sol Invictus today, looking through a paper and phone as you go through some old plans and checklists, trying to figure out if there is anything you should do before you pack your bags and head towards Joshua’s study.

Just as you’re about to unclick your pen and tuck your things away and head back to 77, someone speaks to you from behind.

“A lovely courtyard we have here.” You know this voice. Everyone knows this voice.

Your blood runs cold as you turn around and face the King, neck craning down immediately as you bow down, stepping away while you hold your hands behind your back.

“G-good evening sir,” you stutter, almost tripping over the stone of your own pathways when you stand up and straighten your back. It’s your first time in years seeing him in person, and you tell yourself as your stomach churns that this was bound to happen at some point.

“Care to tell me about what you’ve got going on here?” he asks, walking around the little stone circle that surrounds Eridenus. “You’re the head of the project, is that right?”

“Yes sir,” you reply quickly, bowing again slightly when he finally goes full circle stopping next to you. His hands are behind his back as you watch him look over the almost complete fields of flowers. “I—uh—it’s called Sol Invictus,” you say. “The—”

“God of Sun.”

“Y-yes sir. Apollo and Helios,” you begin to explain. “Which is why I’ve used these flowers—they’re from one of Apollo’s love stories. They’re quite beautiful, if you ask me, and they fit the kingdom’s colors well.”

The King hums in response. “That’s interesting,” he finally tells you, looking down at Eridenus in front of you. You follow his gaze, staring down at the clear water as you feel your heart rise to your throat in anticipation. You don’t really know what you expect, but if you were preparing yourself for anything, it wasn’t the King saying, “It’s my understanding that you talk to Prince regularly, is that right?”

Your breath hitches in your throat and lodges there along with your heart. “Well, I wouldn’t say—”

“I was speaking to Mr. Park just yesterday.” Oh. “You seem to be a very smart, professional young lady, and it shows in your work.” This can’t be good. “However, I am obligated to remind you: there are boundaries within these walls between the family and its staff.”

“Of course sir. I understand.”

The King watches you carefully, and just when you think he's done, he continues. “There are guards around the castle at all times. there isn't much they miss, I’m sure you know.” This isn't good. This really isn't good.

“It's quite impressive,” you agree, thumbs pressed against each other behind your back. You hear the king take a deep breath, and you wonder if he sucked the air out of you doing so.

"I've heard the pond here is named Eridenus.”

"Y-yes sir."

"Interesting," he murmurs. "Phaeton asked for a bit more than he could handle, didn’t he?" the King chuckles but you hardly hear it over the way your heart pounds. "Let mistakes be learned from, alright?"

You feel your knuckle might buckle. Is this how your mother felt? All those years ago?

The King’s words aren’t nearly as harsh as the advisor who berated your mother, but still, your body sways—you can’t tell if it’s all in your head with all the thoughts that race through, or if it’s the sheer weight of his words that has you almost stumbling.

“It was good to meet you. I’ve enjoyed what you’ve done with this space,” he comments finally, and you step away to face him

“The pleasure was mine, sir,” you bid, bowing as he turns and walks back to his assistants who whisk him away. You watch the King fade into the distance and disappear to the North end.

He spoke to you for a reason, and the King was right. You are smart. You are smart and professional, and tonight, you know exactly what you must do.

“We need to talk,” you state firmly, closing the door behind you in Joshua’s study. You’re supposed to tutor him tonight, and he doesn’t look up at you as he writes away in his notebook, a smirk making its way onto his face as he starts to speak.

“That’s all I get, Sunshine? No ‘hi,’ ‘hello,’ ‘how are you?’” he teases, but then he looks up at you and catches the grim look on your face and the sound of him dropping his pen echoes through the room. “What is it?”

He stands up so quickly that his chair falls down, but Joshua pays no mind to it, his hands gripping the end of his table as his eyes bore into yours. “What is it?” he asks again and this time he’s hissing it. You know he doesn’t mean to be harsh, but your heart sinks even further than you could imagine.

“Joshua,” and when you say it, your voice is meek. You shouldn’t cry over this—fuck, you hate crying, especially if it’s because of his people. You’ve done more than enough crying over them in your life—you can’t cry over any of this anymore.

“Sunshine, what’s going on? You’re scaring me,” Joshua eggs you on worriedly, moving away from his desk so he can walk over to you. One hand cups your cheek, and you’re struck by the realization that this is the most intimate he’s ever been with you.

What unfortunate circumstances, you think.

“Your father,” you say, having half a mind to push his hand away from your face, but you keep it there because you don’t think you’ll have the will to keep on talking if he’s not touching you.

“What about him?” Joshua asks hastily, grip on your jaw tightening.

“He knows, Joshua, he knows.”

“What are you talking about?” Joshua furrows his eyebrows and asks the question but there’s that voice in his head telling him that he already knows the answer.

“A guard saw us at the courtyard and—”

“We didn’t even do anything,” Joshua tries to protest and with just one look at his face, you can tell he’s trying to figure out ways to rebut whatever that stupid guard saw that night.

“Joshua, you know we can’t do anything about this,” you say exasperatedly, your voice a little louder now that you clutch the elbow of his arm that’s holding your face. “I overheard him talking to Mr. Park.”

Joshua’s eyes widen. “Mr. Park knows? What about your job? Are you going to get to finish the project? Are you—”

“Joshua,” you choke out, and for once you cannot stop your tears. “I don’t care about my goddamn project, I care about you.”

“You love that courtyard,” Joshua argues, and you wince at the way he’s still thinking about that damn courtyard. You brush his hand off of you and for a second it looks like his heart has just broken in two, but then you reach for his face and hold his cheeks with your own two hands.

His skin is smooth and supple with the light grain of stubble that itches against your palm near the underside of your jaw. “Joshua,” you whisper, and it’s now that you feel the warm drops of water hit your skin. Joshua is crying and you don’t think you’ve seen anything that saddens you more. “Don’t cry, please don’t cry,” you beg, fruitlessly wiping away his tears as he silently cries into your hands.

“Why’re you acting like this is the end?” he hiccups and he must hate the sound because he slaps a hand over his mouth and buries his face into it.

“Joshua, no,” you murmur and pull him into you so that his hands can fall and you can cradle his head into your neck, letting your own tears drip onto the silk of his shirt. “It’s not the end,” you try to reason, but he pulls his head away to look down at you with glassy eyes.

“You—you’re lying to me,” Joshua says harshly.

“What are you talking about, I don’t—”

“I know you. I-I—fuck—I fucking know you,” he spits out, causing you to falter backwards. “Why do you think we can’t work this out? I’m the prince, I can—I can change everything and we can be together—”

“Your father —”

“Who gives a fuck, I’ll be king soon anyways and—”

“What if he does something?! What if he revokes your title?”

You’re met with stillness and you think Joshua might just comply with your silent plan but suddenly he’s shaking his head vigorously.

“Okay, then let him. I don’t care about being prince, I—”

“You can’t throw your life away Joshua, not for me!” you protest, holding his face again so you can focus his gaze on yours.

“It’s my life—why, why not?”

“Because I love you. And you can’t sacrifice this—this amazing life—for me!”

“I-I can’t—I don’t,” he stumbles and searches for words as tears fall from his lashes and roll down your hands, your wrists, your arms, “—can’t do it, not without you.”

“You’ve been doing it for years, Joshua, you’ll learn,” you tell him, using one hand to grip his cheek, the other to wipe away at your own.

“You don’t love me,” he chokes out. “You—you wouldn’t do this to me if you loved me.”

“Don’t say that, please.” You press your forehead against his and close your eyes because you can’t bear to look at his tear-streaked cheeks any longer. It’s quiet for a moment, and you can’t help but think that this is the calm before the storm.

“We’ll work it out,” Joshua finally whispers, pulling his head back and cradling the back of your neck with his hands. You don’t say anything, and Joshua doesn’t give you the chance anyway. “Let me have you,” he begs. “We’ll work everything out and it’ll be okay,” he says over a strangled sob, “Just—just be with me tonight.”

And so when you nod, he wipes his tears and pokes his head out of the study to make sure the corridor is empty before tugging your wrist and pulling you to his room. It’s big and grand, just as you’d expect for the prince but Joshua doesn’t want you to look at the intricate walls or the tall ceilings or the golden furniture.

Joshua makes you focus on his burning touch and lets you explore his mouth, his body. And stripped, your bodies are so hot and with wet lips against sheen skin, you feel you might melt into each other’s bones.

Teeth against teeth, nails scraping against skin so hard it digs into the muscle, bruising holds, and sloppy kisses—the feeling is so intense and it crashes onto you and Joshua so hard that you have no other choice but to grip onto each other as you would a lifeline.

And your bodies move so languidly through the sheets, like waves against a shore, or like the wind whistling through the air, until you're trembling and drifting off in each others’ arms.

It would have been perfect. Perfect, if only Joshua had woken up and you were next to him.

Joshua is lost.

After a frantic hour of running around the palace, asking if anyone had seen you, looking for Seokmin to see if he had any answers, Joshua finds himself in the middle of Sol Invictus. And he racks his brain for answers, for a smidge of anything that gives him a reasonable explanation as to why you weren’t in his arms this morning.

Joshua is lost.

He’s staring at the ground now, and all Joshua can wonder is if it was all a dream. If that moment you both looked out his glass window at the stars before you kissed him on his bed was just a figment of his imagination.

He wonders if you actually did thread your soft fingers through his messy hair and hold him close as both hit your peaks together, and he wonders if your lips really did ghost over his skin as he drifted off into sleep.

Joshua almost doesn’t feel Advisor Lee’s hand on his shoulder. He only hears his voice, really, and when he does, the sound grates against his ears.

“She’s gone.” Advisor Lee’s voice has always been harsh, and Joshua wonders how the same man could’ve produced something—someone—as lovely as Seokmin.

“What are you talking about?” Joshua is good at feigning ignorance, but his voice still quivers.

“I know. Your father and mother know too.”

Joshua is lost.

Joshua’s eyes snap up and suddenly his hands are at Advisor Lee’s collar. When the older man doesn’t seem surprised, Joshua sags. “What the fuck do you know. What—” He inhales sharply as he lets go and steps back, inching closer to Eridenus. “—what did you do to her?”

“She left herself.”

“What are—” Joshua heaves. “What?”

He’s doing it before he even realizes it. Stumbling toward Eridenus with his lungs and heart mushed together so tight he’s got a hole in his chest, Joshua steps over the stone lining and crashes into the shallow water.

Seokmin’s face pales when he walks in on the scene. Coming into the courtyard from the South end, he sees Joshua’s figure before he even recognizes it’s him.

That’s not Joshua, he thinks as he watches his father stand in front of Eridenus where the prince sits. That’s not Joshua.

Joshua’s shoulders are always sharp and his eyes are bright. Joshua’s smile is full and his hands are always ready to love.

This isn’t Joshua, and Seokmin feels it in his gut when he approaches Eridenus.

Joshua sits in the middle of the pond. His knees are bent and the cold water stops at the middle of his chest, leaving the upper third of his body dry. His royal coat and velvet pants, his polished shoes and silk button up, are submerged and rub against the algae coated rocks on the bottom of Eridenus.

Advisor Lee doesn’t speak as Seokmin stands next to him, Eridenus in front of the two with the prince in the middle. Joshua doesn’t say a thing. In fact, it seems like he doesn’t even know Seokmin is here now. His neck is tilted down and he stares at his soaked slacks blankly.

Seokmin is stunned.

This can’t be Joshua, because Joshua’s shoulders are always sharp but now they are hunched over and hardly moving, even as he breathes short breaths through his pale lips.

This can’t be Joshua, because Joshua’s eyes are always bright but now they are dull and dead. Seokmin knows Joshua’s eyes are always bright, but he failed to realize what exactly it was that was lighting them up.

Seokmin thought it was the sun but he was wrong, because even now, as Joshua sits under broad daylight, he is still and his eyes are dull.

Two weeks since you’ve seen Joshua’s face and you miss his smile.

You miss his smile, the one that crinkles up all the way to his eyes when he laughs at one of your snarky comments. The one that shines his teeth and the one that seemed to never leave your sight when you were with him.

You miss his smile, but his laugh still rings in your ear, early in the mornings when you blink awake and late in the nights when you gasp in hearty breaths and try not to cry. When you take the walk through the city to your work at Mr. Min’s bookshop, the ringing of the street vendors’ bells are bright and cheery, and sometimes you can hear Joshua’s laugh in the mix.

One month since Joshua last looked you in the eye and he wishes he didn’t know why you left. He wishes he was oblivious, because then he could be angry at you—he could have a reason to forget, to move on, to stop loving you.

Joshua knows why you left and it hurts more than anything because this is nothing like a betrayal at all. You left because you love him, and Joshua cannot dispute that—not now, not ever.

Sometimes he walks through Sol Invictus and plucks a hyacinth, letting it blow off into the wind. He hopes you’ll find the lost petals one day.

Two months since you’ve been in the castle and your life is normal. Well, as normal as it can get for you.

Your first semester of the new year started a few days ago, and you’ve since moved into an apartment near your campus. Your mother thinks it’ll be good for you, and you understand her sentiment but you don’t think she understands.

Ironic, you think. You’ve gone full circle, really. Maybe it does run in your blood, like all the whispers said.

You realize you’re okay with that. Maybe you made a mistake with Joshua, maybe you didn’t. Maybe you almost royally fucked up your reputation more than it already was (thankfully, the Royal Counsel was better at keeping it under the wraps this time), maybe no one cares. Maybe your life is a little bit more messed up now, but again—you’re okay with that.

You miss Joshua. You don’t think you’ll ever stop missing him. You’re also okay with that. You’re starting to realize that you’re okay with pretty much anything when it comes to Joshua. And once again, you’re okay with that.

Six months since he’s seen you and Joshua’s chest aches. Partly because he was distracted during fencing and took a jab straight in the middle but mostly because he misses you.

He stands on the balcony of the royal dining hall, waiting for lunch to be served as he looks over the palace and the kingdom that spread beyond. Joshua sees the tall buildings, the rows of houses, and the infamous Hong University that lay in the middle of the commontown around the hill the castle sits on, and he wonders.

You told him you’d be taking an astronomy class this semester, which should have started a month ago. Joshua is old enough and smart enough to know that collegiate astronomy is more than just the moon and the sun and the pretty little dots that button the sky, but still, he wonders.

The sun and its sunlight, rotations and revolutions.

Will you think about him?

Joshua doesn’t need to wonder—he knows.

The sun is bright today and even though it’s winter, the clouds are nowhere to be seen. It’s a bit of a rare occurrence for the cold months, but Joshua doesn’t mind. When he looks at the blue sky and briefly glances at the sun, his shadow on the stone floor, the reflection of light against the railing, Joshua breathes in the chilly air, filling his lungs deeply.

He knows.

Eight months and you still hear Joshua’s laugh.

You hear it when wind whistles in your ear as you walk to a flower shop to buy a pot. You hear it when you look up at the sun and imagine you’re in the middle of Sol Invictus. You hear it when you crouch down on your balcony, placing the little hyacinth into the pot and packing soil around the base.

You miss Joshua, you miss his smile, and more than anything, you miss his laugh. Right now, as you bathe in the memories of a man so far yet so close, you realize that you can miss him all you want, but you won’t forget. You can’t ever forget.

Ten months later and Joshua’s chest still aches, but he’s okay with that.

He sucks in heavy breaths as his lungs search for air on the fencing match, his trainer leaving the room, leaving Joshua after his request to take a break. Through the rush of blood in his ears, Joshua hardly hears the door behind him open.

“Mingyu told me you’ve been struggling with fencing recently,” his mother says, approaching him. Joshua shuffles in his fencing gear, throwing his helmet to the side.

“I’ve just hit a stump.”

“Something tells me this is more than just a stump,” she inquires as Joshua kicks off his boots.

Joshua scoffs, “What makes you say that?”

“Joshua, what’s wrong?”

He pauses, about to pull off his gloves when he looks up at the Queen. “Everyone in the Royal Counsel knows. I’m sure you know too.”

His mother sighs heavily when he stands up, and she follows him out the training room and toward the Residency Quart. There’s a silence that gaps the mother and son—not that Joshua isn’t used to it. He still smiles and grins, he hugs and he bows, and oftentimes it is genuine, but there’s a silence that always follows. A silence that he never forgets.

A silence he holds when he watches the same kitten you held cross his path when he walks through Sol Invictus, slightly bigger but just as nimble and heart warming. A silence he holds when his eyes gloss over the set of Percy Jackson books in the shelves of his room. A silence he holds when he sinks into his covers and presses his nose to the sheets, wondering if he’ll ever be able to taste your skin on his tongue again.

“I won’t ever understand what went on between you two,” his mother finally says.

“There isn’t anything for you to understand,” Joshua tells her, heading towards his room, but his mother stops him and he narrows his eyes. “What? I felt bad for her, alright? When I saw her all those years ago when it all happened out in the gardens—”

“Joshua, what are you talking about?”

“That’s what you want to know, right? Why I talked to her? Why I—I love her?” His mother gives him a stern look, but Joshua doesn’t relent. He’s starting to realize he’s been too comfortable with this silence. “I never asked you to understand it, but I’ll tell you anyway. Maybe because I pitied her or felt sorry for her or all the same stuff, and maybe I didn’t think she deserved to be ostracized for something she never did but—whatever. I’m not asking you to understand, but I am asking you to leave it alone.”

“You’re my son, Joshua.”

The Queen is Joshua’s mother and she doesn’t understand. She may never understand, and Joshua is okay with that because if he’s being honest, he doesn't think anyone will ever understand. He’s okay with that too.

You will understand, and for him, that’s enough.

You get two letters from the Royal Counsel in your lifetime. You received the first over a year ago—the one you opened with Mr. Min standing across from you in his little bookstore under dingy lights and over the dusty counter. The one you crumpled up and tossed into the dustbin without as much as a second though. The one that led you down a long, winding path which brought you to Joshua.

You receive the second now, standing in your apartment as you look down, except this time you aren’t staring at a paper, you’re staring at the screen of your laptop. You giggle quietly to yourself; Joshua must have taken the Royal Counsel up on still sending letters.

You’ve only looked at the subject of the email so far. It’s got your name and the word “request” written in bold, and you wonder what they want.

Glossing over the text, a wave of nostalgia washes over you. “The Hong Royal Counsel wishes to find you well, as we present a request.” Same shit, huh? “You will have the opportunity to lead a project as you please and earn a notable compensation in payment for your efforts.” Yeah, pretty much.

It’s the same thing, you realize. They want you back—for what, you aren’t sure, but you have a feeling that it doesn’t really matter. Because signed, at the bottom of the email isn’t the usual, “Hong Royal Counsel,” but instead is, “Hong Royal Family.”

The little sun emblem sits below the signatures of the King and Queen, and you press your eyes shut and hold the screen close to your chest, silently praying under your breath that is not a dream.

You don’t know what happened, don’t know what Joshua told them, but to be frank, you don’t care. You’re smart enough to read between the lines.

I don’t understand, they're telling you, But that doesn’t mean I can’t try.

It’s your first day at the castle. Well, your second first day.

When you park your car at the base of the hill, you smile down at the silk over your waist. You abandoned the new ribbon sent to you by the Court, instead donning the one that came to you in a little white box ten months ago. Sometimes, when you hold it close enough, you still think you can smell Joshua’s skin.

You wonder how long you’ll have to wait for him, but as you look up at the sky, you have your answer.

Something speaks to you when you return to 77. Mr. Park is still gruff and cranky but you swear you see the peek-a-boo of a smile on his lips when you walk in. Jihoon’s there too, he greets you regularly.

And of course there’s Seokmin who is hugging you so tight, it reminds you that he is a full grown man and not a child trapped in a large body. You think he almost cries when he laughs with you about how he almost killed the yarrows again (but he brought them back to life! Trust!), and then he beams and tells you that you gotta check out Sol Invictus.

It’s beautiful.

Bright hyacinths that line from east to west and your heart is happy because Seokmin told you he’d get everyone to finish planting them and he did. The purple petals let wind whistle through its stems and leaves, the rustling echoing off the walls of the castle that surround Sol Invictus.

The water of Eridenus gleams under the sun, the stone of your pathways glows brightly, and as your eyes flicker around, you notice something new. In each corner field of Sol Invictus, sits a medium sized sculpture, each of a pegasus but all slightly different in pose and manner.

And then you see him, his back facing you, standing in front of one of the statues that sits in one of the fields on the west end.

Walk the line.

Tracing the pathways—your pathway—from East to West with your shoes clacking their short heels against the tiles—you know he can hear you, but still, he doesn’t move. His hands are neatly holding each other behind his back as his neck tilts slightly upward to stare up at the pegasus.

“Aethon, Aeos, Pyrois, and Phlegon,” Joshua says when you finally stop next to him, shoulders barely brushing against each other. “This one is Pyrois.”

“Helios’ pegasi,” you murmur, glossing over the fine details and intricacies of the statue.

“I thought you might like them.”

You don’t say anything for a moment and grin, watching his eyes light up from the corner of your vision. “I love them.”

“Thank god. You were taking so long to respond, I thought you were going to yell at me for fucking up Sol Invictus.”

You laugh and shake your head, both of you shuffling as you face each other.

“Hi,” you say so lightly it comes out as a breathy laugh when you both finally look each other in the eye.

“Sunshine.” Joshua smiles, holding out his hand. The light is warm when it hits your skin, and Joshua’s dark hair glints a light brown under the beams. You take his hand and run your fingers over the calluses of his palm; his skin is warm when his fingers grasp around yours and as you look at his eyes, you feel it in your bones.

This is Joshua, this is Joshua, and every path you follow will always lead you back to him.

find an alternate ending here!

edit. thanks 4 making it this far! if ur interested i expand on the concept of an isohel more here and little tidbits here, and it's honestly just a ramble but i hope it makes clear why i made some decisions w the story if ur interested :3 a/n. aaah it's done! as per em's request, i will be posting a one-shot of these two and their lives in the future bc i feel like i robbed u guys of a possibly fluffier ending so keep an eye out for that ... anyways, i hope u enjoyed, comments / reblogs would mean the world to me and >_< thank u for reading!

taglist. @synthetickitsune @ixayjun @leejihoonownsmyheart @dahliatopia @gyuswhore @hoeforcheol @5xiang @hajimelvr @miriamxsworld @blinkjunhui @lixiel0ver @josefines-things @mimisxs @kawennote09 @bbyjjunie @rubyreduji @todorokiskitten @98-0603 @hipsdofangirl @minnie-mouser22 @minhui896 @whippedforjihoon @nishloves @woozarts (strikethrough could not be tagged)

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renzieluvsvt · 1 year

Text

fall in you

pairing: bsf!joshua x reader

genre: angst, fluff

word count: 1K

summary: you have been falling for your childhood best friend!joshua. you are sure that your feelings wont be reciprocated so what turns will it take when you decide to completely avoid and forget him?

warnings: reader losing pet dog, kissing (is that even a warning? lol)

a/n: tysm anon for this request!! i enjoyed coming up with the plot for this;)) but so sorry as it took me so much time to post it.

anw, hope yall enjoy this one too!! will keep on posting as much as i can :))

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

"will you still not talk to me?", joshua asked you aka his best friend with whom he hadn't spoken to for several months because of some reason he wasn't aware of. the two of you had been friends since childhood, grew up knowing each other's secrets, grew up together even during the lowest points of lives but as of now, the both of you were standing in the living room of your dorm. you hadn't spoken to him for six months already. during the first month, he excused you by thinking that you were probably tired with the classes. during the second month, he was hurt that you didn't agree to meet him anywhere else whenever he tried to clear things out. it was the third month where you finally refused to even look at him in the uni. it hurt him to see you avoiding him.

whenever he tried approaching you, you always changed your path. it suprised him how his "best friend" started leaving him on delivered or sometimes on seen in the fourth month. his phone calls were totally ignored by you in the fifth month. and finally, in the sixth month you started treating him as a pure stranger.

he couldn't take this shit anymore. even if he spent hours in a day to reflect and look for some reasons that could have possibly got you upset— he still couldnt find one. that was when he eventually decided to go to your dorm and confront you. he had been refraining himself from visiting your dorm so that he wouldn't get in trouble for getting into a girl's dormitory but he was left with no choice afterall.

"can you fucking look at me atleast?", he said in anger as you tested his patience. you still continued folding your dried laundry. your actions hurt him. alot. being avoided by his bestfriend was already hurting him but the reason that hurt him the most was he couldn't have any sort of explanation about it.

"joshua, im asking you for the last time, can you please leave right now?", you spatted out with not much any emotions but one could surely hear the crack in your voice. you wanted to sink ten feet under the ground as you realised how your voice cracked. you wished that he didn't figure that out but you were wrong. he heard you and knew you were on the verge of breaking down. "please tell me y/n and i'll work on myself to not disappoint you anymore", he pulled you by your arms so that you could turn to his direction but you swatted away your arm from his grip. with anger.

as you finally faced him, he looked deeply into your eyes as if to find the answers you were hiding but all he could see was your tears welling up your eyes. he stared at you worriedly as a tear rolled down your face.

"why do you want me back in your life? just so you can hurt me again by telling me about your new flings?", you spoke out finally. yes, he heard that right. yes, he was understanding it right too. you saw him more than a friend. you wanted your relationship with him to be more than best friends. "yes! i go crazy everytime i hear you blabber about your crushes and dates", you said with tears in your eyes. you simply couldn't bottle it up today. "joshua, i fell for you even before i could know", you continued. "i dont know when it j-just happened. was it when you caressed my hair while appreciating me when i felt insecure about myself after i was cheated on by my boyfriend or was it when you didn't leave me alone when i was left heartbroken after i lost my dog? or was it when you spoke words you probably never meant with the eyes that seemed to be in love with me?", you managed to pour out your feelings in words finally.

"l-listen to m-me y/n....", joshua stuttered. he was speechless. not because of your sudden confession but because he finally knew that his feelings were reciprocated! "josh, im sorry but i cant stay friends with you. it hur-", before you could even complete your sentence he pulled you in for a kiss.

he cupped your cheeks and deepened the kiss with his eyes shut. you couldn't process what had just happened but when he bit your lower lip for a response, you gave in. it felt like heaven to kiss your best friend crush. he parted away from the kiss just to have you chase his lips. he chuckled. but soon he took a look at you as his big hands still kept your cheeks cupped.

"you have no idea how much i've loved you", you stare at him in disbelief. "y/n, i had already fallen for you since our middle school but never had the courage. i always ended up worrying about losing you if i ever got you as my lover. i was worried about not having you in my life if anything would go wrong", he continued. "you dont know how crazy you got me for yourself which had me to date a few times just to move on from you. but here you were, getting jealous of them", he said. "i wasn't jealous",you said as you hit him on his shoulders lightly in protest. the both of you laughed.

"y/n?", he called your name out with his sweet voice. "hmm", you responded while meeting his eyes. "will you be my girlfriend?", he asked you with your cheeks still cupped in his hands. as you heard those words, another tear rolled down your face but this time you had a smile on your face. "sure josh", you said with a smile and another tear rolling down your face in the same time. you were overjoyed.

he kissed you deeply to express the love that he had been hiding from you which had caused you so much pain. "i love you josh", you managed to say in between the kiss. "i love you more", he said while he pulled you closer to him by waist without breaking the kiss. the past six months were hard on you but all you could say was that it led to the best thing that could ever happen to you.

you felt lucky and so did joshua to have realise that you would always be by his side. forever. he promised to never let you go.

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

#joshua hong #joshua svt #hong jisoo #joshua hong fluff #seventeen fluff #kpop fluff #joshua hong angst #hong jisoo angst #seventeen angst #kpop angst #joshua svt angst #joshua x reader #joshua hong imagines #joshua x y/n #bestfriends to lovers

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bbobpul · 7 months

Text

the risk i'm willing to take

NOTE. third email has arrived. please please reblog and leave a comment if you want to be added to this series' taglist.

PAIRING. joshua x you

GENRE. slight angst, hurt/comfort

WARNINGS. none

list of emails i can't send

masterlist

this song is my favorite opm song 🖐️😓

"it's like the night is ours.

it's as if we are the only one here

and we're dancing as if we'll never let go."

from. [email protected]

to. [email protected]

subject. emails i can't send 3/13

joshua, you have achieved your dreams.

before all else, i have always known that i would be writing this email, ever since we first became friends. i have always known that someday i will go back to my laptop and type another one of these messages that no one's going to read. so far, this is the third time.

the last time i wrote an email that a person will never receive was almost 3 years ago, and before i begin with expressing my gratitude, i will just say that i hate you for taking that path (for now), but thank you so much for leaving.

thank you so much for leaving my life, joshua hong.

thank you for stopping me from questioning whether there is more to us than friendship. you can't and will never be able to answer that, and neither will i.

i don't think i'm ready. i don't think i ever will. i am scared to write another email. hell, i am scared right now as i am writing this. for no reason at all.

joshua, i am so proud of you for taking another step in your career.

i am so proud of you for not letting me or anyone hold you back.

i am proud of you for not falling in love with me.

i am proud of you, and i am so thankful that you gave me a friendship that brought my hopes and dreams back to life.

joshua, you taught me how to dream again, as if i had never known how before, and for a while i thought we were going to dream together.

then i realized that i was just a part of your journey. i was your mere comfort zone amidst the chaos of your limelight. i was your blanket that comforted you despite the worry and doubts that constantly ran through your mind.

it's impossible for us to dream together when you have a different dream.

but if the time comes and you decide to dream another dream with me,

i hope i am not so scared anymore.

i hope i will not just recognize the risk but actually acknowledge it.

i hope that one day i will not just gaze at the risk from afar and actually take it.

because for me, you are the risk that i would willingly take.

until then, hong, i hope you are happy.

sincerely,

your best friend

TAGLIST. @matchahyuck @minhui896

leave a comment if you want to be added to the series' taglist :)

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moonwonuu · 2 years

Text

pairing: joshua hong x reader

genre/s: fluff, angst and crack!filo au

pov: kung saan bumalik yung greatest what if ni joshua hong. tatakbo ba siya or haharapin niya ulit ang taong dating nag mahal sakanya?

special chapters:

jeonghan messes with shua’s phone

birthday special

new york

tahanan

the engagement ring

adopting their first dog

a/n: first year med na sila jollibee and friends dito while marie and friends are in 3rd year naman tapos si nonie nasa 4th year na ☺️

#joshua hong fluff #joshua hong x reader #joshua hong angst #joshua hong imagines #joshua fluff #joshua angst #joshua imagines #svt fluff #svt angst #svt imagines #seventeen x reader #seventeen fluff #seventeen angst #seventeen imagines #seventeen filo smau #seventeen filo au

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ahlovelightaflame · 8 months

Text

That Locket ~ *Joshua Hong*

Summary: As the new cop on the beat, you are eager to please your superiors. However, what you didn’t expect was to get tangled up in the secret organized crime you didn’t realize was in town. Although, you don’t actually know there is a mafia out there and of course this handsome man you just met isn’t apart of it… right?

Pairing: Joshua Hong X Fem!Reader

Genre: Fluffyish Oneshot

Word Count: 3127

Warning: Some swearing and a couple mentions of blood

Mafia Masterlist

“Have a good night, Y/n.” The Captain of the precinct called out to you as you grabbed your jacket. You nodded to him before heading out the door of the police station.

It wasn’t easy being the new girl at the station, but the Captain and the rest of the team were really nice to you and helped you when you needed it most. In all honesty, you were glad to be assigned here at this precinct. The neighborhood wasn’t so bad and even if there was a call or complaint, it was usually a dumb teenager that simply got a warning.

As you left the station, you took a deep breath of the crisp evening air. The last bit of summer was chilling into a cool autumn. It was the perfect time to be walking home from a good week of work. With a small smile on your face, you went on your way towards home, looking forward to a nice meal and a couple of movies.

Passing through Main Street, USA, you couldn’t help but indulge in a little window shopping. It was Friday and you were just personally handed your very first paycheck, which wasn’t too bad at all. Perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to buy dinner or get a new pair of shoes. Who knows what you could find in any of these small businesses?

Just as you passed a small antique store, you paused. There in the window was a gorgeous locket, with an intricate design decorating the front. It was a dashing shade of antique bronze and looked like it could hold a rather sizable picture. Maybe this is what you splurged on. It certainly was exquisite and you could put a picture of your family in it. Before you could negotiate yourself out of a closer look, you opened the door and got closer to the locket. Not only was the locket perfect, the price was as well. It wouldn’t be much of a splurge at all.

Making your way to the cashier, you smiled brightly at him. “Hello, sir. Is that locket in the front window for sale?”

He looked up from his magazine at you, almost giving you a once over before nodding. “Yes, it is. Looking to buy?”

You nodded. “Yes, please. I can give you the cash right now and then I can wear the locket out.”

Nodding, he took your money and helped you get it out of the window and around your neck. You thanked him before making your way to your favorite take out place. Since you didn’t splurge too much on the locket, food sounded like the perfect plan to pay a little more. After getting your order, you were finally on your way home.

But not without one more unexpected stop.

As you were walking towards your home, you heard someone wince in a shady alleyway. Peering in, you notice a hunched over figure, trying unsuccessfully to hide behind a dumpster. Despite your better judgement, you couldn’t help but take a step closer to the person.

“Are, are you alright?” You called out, gripping your take out tighter.

There was a pause before a gruff, male voice answered. “I’m fine. Just keep walking. I’ll be fine.”

“Do you need me to take you to the hospital? I don’t have a car but I can get some help.” You asked, taking another couple steps closer as he shuffled back.

“No, I’m fine. Just go home already. I can take care of myself.” He snapped.

Sighing, you didn’t turn away. Instead, you opened up your take out and grabbed the napkins inside and, kneeling down, held them out to him. “I’m not a doctor, but I do have some napkins to stop the bleeding. That is, if you’re bleeding. I might have some pain meds if it’s a hangover you got.”

“Go away already!” The man finally turned to look at you, anger in his eyes and blood streaking his face. As soon as he looked at you, he paled considerably before throwing an accusatory finger at the locket around your neck. “Where the hell did you get that?”

You looked at him, confused, closing a fist around the locket. “F-from the antique store down the street. Why?”

He shook his head. “Nevermind, just go away. Now!”

Scrambling back, you nodded at his stern tone. Standing up, you raced out of the alley and stopped at a corner not too far away. After calling the hospital about the man in the alley, you made your way home, still thinking about the poor guy bleeding in the alley. There was something about him that stuck in your mind for some reason. Maybe, just maybe, if you were lucky, you’d be able to see him again.

Meanwhile, Joshua stepped out of the alleyway, the blood still leaking from his nose. After wiping it on his sleeve, he pulled out his phone and called his subordinate. The phone rang twice before he picked up. He was already shouting before he even said hello to him.

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! WHY DID YOU GIVE THAT LOCKET TO SOME RANDOM WOMAN WHO WALKS INTO THAT FORSAKEN STORE OF YOURS?!” Joshua screeched.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Junhui smirked to himself, leaning back in his chair, tossing his magazine on the counter.

“YOU KNOW THAT LOCKET IS PRICELESS AND I TOLD YOU NOT TO SELL IT!” He seethed, gritting his teeth.

Keeping a chuckle to himself, Junhui gave a small gasp. “Oh, that’s the locket you were talking about? Oh man, I had no idea. Sorry, Joshie.”

“Damn it, Jun, don’t play stupid like I know you are. You knew what that locket was when you sold it.” He spat, as he entered the car that Seungcheol arranged for him, sirens wailing in the distance.

Disregarding the obvious blow to his self-esteem, Jun shrugged to himself. “Look Joshie, if it’s any consolation, I just scored you a date, so you’re welcome for that.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Rolling his eyes at his subordinate’s obvious dense behavior, he explained, “I have her number. You want it back, you’ll have to call her and tell her I accidentally sold it to her and that it was a mistake. That should hopefully lead to a coffee date, which is all thanks to me.”

“And you can’t call, because?”

“Because you need to date. The others may not tell you, but you’re a bit of an ass. Maybe if you date someone, you won’t be so bad anymore.”

Joshua scowled. “Look, I’m not looking to date anyone. Not now, not ever. Now get me back my mother’s wedding locket or so help me, I will personally oversee your torture and execution.”

“Coups wouldn’t do that to me, he loves me too much.” Jun teased, causing Joshua to angrily hang up. Chuckling to himself, he leaned back in his chair, putting his arms under his head. “He’ll thank me for this. I just know it. I’ve yet to be wrong about these kinds of things.”

It was during your lunch break a couple weeks later that you decided to take a gander at the cold case files in the basement. Cliche or not, you have always had a thing for a good mystery. Plus, it was a secret wish of yours to be able to solve at least one of them. You felt like that marked you as a good cop.

“Y/n? Is that you?” The Captain asked, confusion in his voice. “What are you doing down here? Shouldn’t you be on break for lunch?”

You smile anxiously, holding a file in your hand. “Oh, yes, sir. I am. I just thought I would spend this time looking through the cold case files. That’s all.”

He chuckled. “Ah, I see. Hoping for some extra credit, yeah?”

“Well not exactly, sir-”

“Don’t worry about it!” He waved his hand, dismissing your argument. “I have faith in your skills, but you don’t need to bother with these cold cases. They’ll probably never be solved anyways. Besides, it’s not like they’re big cases, like a murder or arson.” Again, he chuckled before heading back upstairs.

Sighing, you look down at the file in your hands. It was a breaking and entering case, where the culprit or their fingerprints were never found. “It just doesn’t make sense.” You muttered as you laid it next to a different file.

The thing was, at least five of the files you looked at today all seemed connected. No fingerprints, no culprit, and they all dealt with stealing money. Not only that, but most of the reports claimed that there was an unusually large number of people included in these heists. They had to be connected, somehow. How could the precinct not see that?

Shaking your head, you continued looking through the files until the end of your break. Right before you headed up to work, you wrote down a phone number on a sticky note. In one of the files, someone called the police only to hang up a second later. Perhaps if you called, you could ask why they hung up and what exactly happened that night.

As you worked, you waited and waited for the perfect moment to call. Finally, right around clock out time, you managed to find a five minute window to call. You waited in agonizing anxiety as you waited for them to pick up.

“Hello?” A slightly perturbed male voice answered.

A small grin crept across your face, relieved that someone picked up, before you spoke again after clearing your throat. “Hello, is this the Hong residence?”

“Yes…?” He trailed off, sounding a bit suspicious. “May I ask who’s calling?”

“My name is Y/n L/n and I work at the local precinct. I was wondering if I could meet you somewhere and ask you a couple of questions?” You asked nervously, crossing your fingers, hoping he’d say yes.

There was a long pause and for a second you thought he hung up on you. But he soon heaved a sigh. “Sure, although I don’t think I’ll be much help with whatever you’re asking for.”

Smiling brightly, you shook your head, knowing he couldn’t see you. “I’m sure you’ll be a great help! Any information is good information at this point! Thank you so much! Do you want to, um, go get coffee, so I can ask you questions?”

Again, he hesitated before stating, “Meet at the Chewy Café at the corner of 17th and Hartford. Be there at 5:30.”

Nodding, you wrote the information on a different sticky note, still smiling brightly to yourself. “Thank you so much! I’ll see you then!”

He had already hung up.

Turning to Jun, Joshua huffed. “There, I called her. Are you happy now?”

Jun rolled his eyes. “You didn’t call her. She called you and we traced her call to know who she is. That doesn’t count and you know it.”

With a scoff, Joshua made a move to grab his jacket. “Whatever. Either way I have a “date” with her, so now you can stop nagging me.”

“Again, I wouldn’t call that a date. You’re answering questions for a cop. That’s not a date.” He explained.

“Are you done?” Joshua growled. “Date or not, you’re still in deep shit for not only selling my mother’s wedding locket, but you sold it to a cop, the enemy. So I don’t want to hear it from you.”

“Hey I didn’t know she was a cop, so don’t go blaming me for that!” Jun defended himself before smirking. “You better hurry up since the Chewy Cafe isn’t close and you don’t want to keep your girlfriend waiting.”

“Shut the hell up.” He snapped before leaving, right as Coups walked into the room.

“What’s with him?” He asked.

Snickering to himself, Jun explained, “Remember how I sold his mother’s locket to that cute girl so he could score a date? That’s where he’s going.”

“Ah, I see.” Coups smirked. “Poor guy. He has no idea what he’s getting into.”

“Oh please.” Jun scoffed. “You’re dating the boss! How bad can it be?”

Coups smacked him before walking away with bright pink cheeks.

Joshua, on the other hand, was scowling to himself as he sipped on his coffee. He had asked Vernon for a private room so he could speak to this girl, this cop, in private. Of course, Vernon decided to tease him which only earned him a thinly veiled threat. He really didn’t want to be doing this but if he could get his mother’s wedding locket back from this cop, then it might as well be a success.

Right as he was about to ask Vernon where she was, a really pretty girl entered the room. Even though she appeared timid and anxious to be here, she still had an effortless beauty to her. In his mind, Joshua could find himself humoring her for a bit. Especially since the prized locket he was looking for was hanging from her neck.

As soon as she noticed him, she perked up and he had to admit, she had a really pretty smile. “Hello. Are you Joshua Hong? The man I spoke to on the phone earlier?”

There was an eagerness to her voice which he found amusing. She must be new to the job. He nodded, keeping his emotions to himself. “Yes, I am. You must be that cop.”

She gave a nervous chuckle, which was kind of adorable, and her eyes drifted away from him. “Ah, yeah, I am. My name is Y/n L/n. I’m a new officer down at the precinct.”

He nodded. “Pleasure. Now, you said you had some questions? Sorry if it sounds like I’m rushing, I just have other things I need to do today.”

“I understand.” She nodded, quickly sitting down and pulling out a pencil and paper. “I wanted to ask you about the night of August 23rd, about two years ago? You made a call to the police but ended it as soon as someone picked up. Can I ask you why?”

It took Joshua a bit of thinking to remember when he snuck into his parents house one night after a robbery gone bad. He was bleeding heavily and probably should have gone to the hospital, but refused as he didn’t want to get caught. His mother had tried to call to get him help, but he quickly ended the call before she could. That was also the night he explained to his parents what he now did for a living and he grimaced slightly at the thought of his parents disappointment in him. He thought that the call wasn’t on file. What else did that police station have that could be incriminating for the “organization” he was a part of?

Quickly, he concocted a lie. “It was an accident. My little cousin, who was visiting, fell off her bike and was bleeding a lot. My aunt panicked and accidentally called the police.”

“I see.” Joshua couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit bad for her excited expression falling. Nevertheless, he was not about to tell a cop about the bigger scheme behind it. “W-well, on that night, there was a robbery at a nearby convenience store that was, should we say, a botched job. Did you or any of your family happen to see the perpetrators pass by?”

He kept his frown of annoyance at the mention of the failed job to himself. Instead he sighed and rubbed his temples. “That was two years ago. I don’t remember and I doubt my family does. They were all in hysterics over my cousin.”

She nodded solemnly, her once cheery disposition deflating. “I see. W-well, thank you for your time, I suppose. I really, truly appreciate it.”

Just as she was about to leave, Joshua did something he was sure he was going to regret. “Wait.” He exclaimed. “Stay for a bit. I may not have a lot of time, but I still feel bad for making you come here without helping you. At least let me buy you coffee for your troubles.”

He couldn’t help but crack a small smile at her blush and he thanked the heaven’s that he was in a private room where Vernon couldn’t see him and mock him. He was really, really, really trying not to admit Jun was right, but she was cute and when she was happy, he couldn’t help but feel happy too. However, there was no way in hell he was going to give Jun that satisfaction. Never, not in a million years, it will never happen.

She nodded again, a bit more cheerfully, as she sat back down. “Yes, thank you. I’d like that.”

Joshua’s smile grew a little more. “Good, I’m glad. Now, I have a proposition for you. My friend, he works at a little antique store not too far from here. I gave him my mother’s wedding locket to clean and look after for a little while so that I could return it to her on her wedding anniversary and he mistakenly sold it. I believe the locket hanging around your neck is my mother’s.”

A horrified look flashed across her face and she quickly took the locket off before giving it to him. “I am so, so, so, so, so sorry! I didn’t know! Oh my God, I feel like such an idiot! I am so sorry!”

He was confused, looking at the locket in his hand like it was some kind of foreign object. Why would she give it up so easily? According to Jun, she had supposedly fallen in love with it and was desperate to have it. What exactly was this young, naive cop playing at?

“It's… fine.” He mumbled, slipping it into his pocket. “Thank you, though. My mother’s been worried about it.”

“I bet.” She nodded gravely. “Please give her my condolences and apologies. I didn’t mean to. Again I’m so sorry.”

“Think nothing of it.” Joshua replied off-handedly. It was weird; no one had ever seemed to care so much about how he felt like this before. It made him feel a bit uneasy.

She gave a nervous chuckle. “Now I feel indebted to you.”

He couldn’t stop the corner of his mouth from quirking up. “Perhaps we could do this again? Get coffee or go for lunch, I mean. So you can repay your debt, yes?”

Her smile blossomed and he felt his smile widen too. Great, now he was acting like Coups with the boss. “Yes, that would be nice. I’d like that very much.”

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darl-ings · 2 years

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late night call | hong jisoo

pairing: joshua x reader

genre: angst

warnings: just a bit of heartbreak is all :)

word count: 540

summary: in which you call joshua to let him know you got home safely

a/n: i watched (1) tik tok, blinked, and suddenly this drabble was written out in front of me. i’ve also been reading “our violent ends” by chloe gong so there is a lot of angst building up inside of me because of this

Three rings was all it took for Joshua to answer. He’d always been fast when it came to answering your calls.

“Y/N? Is something wrong?” he asked, a smile appearing on your lips at the sound of his voice.

“Nothing’s wrong,” you reassured, moving to sit on the ground in front of your couch. You rested your head back on the cushion.

“Oh. Did you need to tell me something?”

“I went out drinking with my friends tonight. I had a few shots and had them call me a cab. I’m back home now,” you told him, staring up at the ceiling. There was a sticky toy stuck on the ceiling, courtesy of Joshua himself, who had gotten the toy for free from some old lady in your building. He ended up throwing it too high one day, causing it to get stuck on the ceiling for months.

Joshua’s silent, you noticed.

“Did you drink tonight?” you questioned, curious about his lack of words.

“No, I didn’t.” His answer was short. Not usual for the man who could spend hours talking to you about nothing.

“That’s good. At least one of us will remember this conversation, then,” you joked, a small chuckle escaping your lips afterward.

The call went silent again. On the other line, you could hear Joshua sigh, mumbling something away from the phone before you heard a door close.

“Are you with someone?” you asked.

“Just the guys,” he answered. “Listen, Y/N…”

“I could come over, if you wanted. I haven’t seen the guys in a while. Only Mingyu, because he’s dating my friend but—“

“Y/N.”

“They’re still going strong. It’s crazy. I thought they were complete opposites, and that they wouldn’t work out, but they managed—“

“Y/N. We broke up, remember?”

His words silenced you quicker than you liked.

“Y/N?”

You allowed another few beats of silence to pass before you answered.

“Yes?”

“You don’t need to keep calling me to tell me you got home.”

It was then you felt the tears falling down your cheeks. It seemed like you’ve been crying for a while, you noticed, glancing down to find wet spots staining your jeans. You quickly wiped at your tears.

“Joshua…”

“Please, Y/N,” he whispered. His voice was weak, almost as if he was trying not to cry. “You ended this, so please, just let it end. You can’t keep torturing me like this… giving me hope with every call you make.” You heard him choke back a sob. you found you were doing the same.

“I’m sorry…”

“I’m sorry too.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” you mumbled. You heard Joshua whimper, then curse to himself.

“I have to go. The boys will wonder what’s up.”

“Of course. Have fun—“

“Don’t call again, please.”

With those final words, Joshua hung up the phone. Your hand moved away from your ear, dropping your phone to the ground with an abrupt smack. Just as you had left him, Joshua did the same to you tonight, leaving you to cry with the empty bottle of tequila beside you on the floor.

The sticky toy fell later that night, dropping to the ground with a small thump.

#joshua hong imagines #joshua hong angst #joshua hong drabbles #hong jisoo #joshua hong #joshua imagines #seventeen #seventeen imagines #seventeen angst #seventeen drabbles #svt imagines #svt drabbles #svt angst

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saythename-seventeen-carat · 11 months

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Joshua Hong

First love lockscreen

' I wanna love like you made me feel when we were 18.'

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immortalcade · 6 months

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I’m looking for this Joshua Hong fanfic where the reader and Joshua meet in a dream and it turns out this is something him and her friend/roommate have been doing and it’s this whole thing- anyways Reader and Joshua keep meeting in the dream world they fall in love and shit- Reader’s friend gets jealous at some point and they fight.

I literally read this one years ago but I can’t remember it at all and it’s killing me cause this fanfic made me hella delusional and I need to read it at least once to see if it really was as good as I remember it to be

#seventeen x reader #joshua hong smut #joshua hong x reader #joshua hong fluff #joshua hong angst #seventeen reaction

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taylorswiftbutsimp · 10 months

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LOVING HIM WAS (RED)

ᴺᴼᵂ ᴾᴸᴬᵞᴵᴺᴳ : Red (Taylor's Version)

01. Tell myself it's time now ''gotta let go'' // (Isagi Yoichi) by taylorswiftbutsimp

02. But moving on from him is impossible // (Joshua Hong) by @ashienne

ᴠᴏʟᴜᴍᴇ : ▮▮▮▮▮▮▯▯▯

『 ↳✧･ﾟ; NOTE: these are both separate stories that aren't connected I forced my friend at this collab if that's what you call it @ashienne

↳ ** ༉‧₊˚✧ GENRE: angst

Finding someone to love is quite simple; the difficult part comes when there have been many warning signs for a long time that we have chosen to ignore because we accept them as they are and don't realize how horrible it has been until the two words separate.

We don't miss them; we miss the memories and time we had together, but eventually, we will get over it without knowing we're going to find someone out there who's going to love us and treat us better.

#ᗯiᒪᒪoᗯ #blue lock x reader #isagi yoichi x reader #joshua hong x reader #seventeen x reader #isagi x reader #joshua hong angst

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yeoblurbs · 5 months

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Why Won’t You Love Me

University AU

Pairing: Joshua x Female Reader - Angst with a happy ending, somewhat slow burn, rejected to friends to lovers

Synopsis: Despite the fact that Hong Jisoo has been cold to you from the start, you have only ever looked at him with heart eyes. Except lately it's been harder to pretend like you were fine with his aloof demeanor, and things get much worse when you overhear a conversation you were not supposed to, revealing how Joshua truly feels about you.

WC: 11.6k

Content/Warnings: Mentions of alcohol & drinking, curse words, toxic relationships with siblings, one scene of body shaming/food portion shaming, little bit of Hongjoong from Ateez, shua cries:(, he’s also unreasonable in the beginning, pov switches between yn & shua, Seungkwan is the best friend everyone needs, y/n is a cutie.

a/n: not edited and ending is rushed but yolo

When Hong Jisoo breaks your heart, it comes in a way that hurts more than anticipated.

the two of you shared close mutual friends, and yet, there was a distance that stopped you from becoming any closer. despite the fact that you were often around each other, it seemed as if Joshua did not want to get closer to you. things weren't necessarily awkward, but they certainly weren't comfortable. and that was something you craved immensely, comfort with the person you liked.

though you were not deterred easily. you would ignore the way his smile faltered the moment he saw you, and greet him the same as you would with the rest of your friends; a beaming smile with kind eyes. you would ignore the way he slipped out of conversations that you participated in, staring sadly at his retreating back each time.

and most of all, you ignored the way his genuine smile was never directed at you.

and perhaps you are to blame, for not taking the very obvious hint that Hong Jisoo did not like you. but you were always a little foolish when it came to love, even more so with Joshua. and while you're sure you could have gone months enduring his cold behavior towards you, it all comes to an end at Mingyu's birthday party.

you're getting dressed with Seungkwan, your best friend who knows how you feel about Joshua and your dilemma. He sighs as he lays on your bed, watching you through a frown as you try on your fifth outfit of the night. "Y/n, please, you look good in all of them! Just pick one so we can go." he whines.

you pout back at him, "I promise this is the last one! Be honest, how does it look?"

you're dressed in a tight black cropped tee and a black skirt that hugs your hips well, with sheer stockings underneath. you finish the look off with an oversized black leather jacket.

Seungkwan looks up, "Perfect! Now can we go please?" and you giggle sheepishly, feeling somewhat bad for your best friend.

"Okay, but quick, what about my makeup?" you walk closer and close your eyes, displaying your hard work.

Seungkwan scans your face quickly and flicks your forehead. "It looks good, don't worry."

you jump up and rub your forehead pouting, but happy with his approval.

the two of you leave soon after, and you sit in Seungkwans car feeling jittery at the thought of seeing Joshua tonight.

Seungkwan looks at your wringing hands and smiles softly, "What are you worried about? You know you look gorgeous, and I'll be there with you."

you look to your best friend and sigh as the corners of your lips tug downwards. “You make it sound so easy, but any time we hang out with everyone, Joshua refuses to even look at me." you turn to glance at your reflection in the window, "And even though you’re with me, and everyone else seems to like me just fine, I can't help but want him to like me and stay with me too."

Seungkwan pats your leg sympathetically before returning his hand to the wheel. "Honestly, I don't know why he acts like that either, but maybe tonight will be different. Maybe you'll catch his attention with that outfit you spent ten years choosing." you laugh at his teasing, feeling reassured enough as you see Mingyu's house come into view.

once parked, Seungkwan looks at you and grins encouragingly, "Ready?"

you look up at him nervous, yet determined.

"Ready."

the moment you walk in, you're bombarded with the intense smell of alcohol and sweat. a disgusting mix truly, but Mingyu was notorious for his grand number of friends, so you didn't expect anything about this party to be different.

you grab Seungkwans wrist gently, unnerved by the number of people everywhere.

"You're here! Welcome, Kwannie and Y/n" a booming voice comes, and you smile excitedly at Mingyu.

"Happy Birthday, Minnie!" you jump to hug him and he catches you with ease. you and Seungkwan engage in quick pleasantries with Mingyu as he gives you the rundown of where the beverages and snacks are located. The two of you hand your gifts to him before making your way through the crowd to grab a drink.

Seungkwan pours himself a cup as you opt for a water bottle; you are not trying to get shitfaced in front of Joshua tonight.

"Let's go find the others?" Seungkwan asks, and you nod in agreement, heading up and entering the room closest to the stairway.

you look around, eyes subconsciously searching for Joshua as you study the people sitting on the couch and standing off to the side.

"Y/n! Seungkwan, over here!" you hear someone shout and look to find Hansol, Jihoon, Soonyoung, Jeonghan, and oh, Joshua is there too.

Your stomach feels as if it's in knots as the two of you make your way over to them. you greet them one by one before your eyes land on Joshua.

you smile sweetly at him, “Hey.”

though all he does is nod back with a tight smile and look away. you try not to let his lack of a response affect you, but you're sure it shows on your face as Seungkwan quickly grabs your hand and drags you over to sit down.

when conversations begin to pick up, you try to engage in them happily, though your eyes often drift to Joshua throughout the night, and you feel defeated as he ignores your existence entirely despite participating in the same discussion.

you sigh and stare down at your feet before abruptly getting up; your friends turn to you, and you quickly put on an easy smile looking at everyone but Joshua.

"I'm gonna go get a drink, I don't think this water is going to get me through tonight." you say with an easy grin. they all nod in understanding, though Seungkwan pulls your wrist before you leave.

his wide eyes scan your face, "Do you want me to come with you?"

you shake your head, patting his hair and forcing yourself to smile once more. "I'm okay, I'll be right back, promise."

Seungkwan looks worried, but he lets you go with a reminder. "Call me if you need anything, okay?"

you nod, chuckling at his protectiveness as you walk away.

you exhale softly once you're far enough, allowing the sadness you've felt throughout the night to finally show on your face. with a frown, you pour yourself a drink, though you dilute it with some of your water to ensure you don't end up drunk. you take a sip, shoulders sagging at the subtle bitter taste, and head back up toward the boys. except upon reaching the room, you see a pretty girl in your seat.

but that isn't what bothers you, no, it's the way she's engaging in a conversation with everyone else, Joshua included. your chest hurts when you watch Joshua smile and nod at her, eyes sparkling in genuine interest; something you wish he would do with you. you want to run away and isolate yourself in a corner, but you promised Seungkwan you would be back.

you bite your lip and force a cheerful smile on your face as you walk toward them, choosing to stand behind Seungkwan and lean on him since your seat was occupied. Jihoon sees you standing and moves to get up, but you shake your head and urge him to sit back down.

When Seungkwan looks up at you though, his brows furrow and you know you aren't hiding your hurt very well. He stands up beside you and grabs your wrist before turning to your friends, "We're gonna go get some air, we'll come back in a bit." Seungkwan wastes no time dragging you toward the empty balcony.

"What's up? Did anything happen when you went to get a drink? Did anyone bother you?" he asks worriedly, eyes scanning you for any injuries and you quickly shake your head, moving to hug him. "It's not that, nothing happened. I just..."

you sigh into his shoulder, "I don't mean to overreact, but it's so obvious he hates me at this point. Did you see how he was looking at that girl?" you look up to Seungkwan with a sad smile, "I tried so hard to get his attention, not only with this outfit but every time I speak he just won't look my way. But he seemed to like her just fine."

Seungkwan pats your head, and you continue to ramble, "Clearly, the problem is me. At this point, I would rather just hear him reject me." you finish dejectedly.

Seungkwan sighs at your defeated tone.

"Listen, I can't excuse the way he's been acting even if he is my friend. He's being an ass, even if he doesn't like you, you haven't done anything to him for him to treat you that way."

he smiles at you encouragingly, "But, I think you should talk to him about this."

you look at him incredulously, and he laughs at your expression, "Just listen!"

you cross your arms and deadpan. "Okay, I'm listening."

Seungkwan grins gently at you, "I just think if you pulled him aside and forced him to speak with you, he might just be honest and tell you why he's acting that way. There must be a reason, and I think he might tell you if you ask." and though the thought of speaking to Joshua alone and confronting him sounds absolutely terrifying, you figure Seungkwan has a point; maybe there was a logical reason behind his behavior. maybe he would tell you if you asked.

your heart feels lighter at the notion, and you find yourself smiling at Seungkwan as you jump into his arms, "Thank you. For listening to me and the advice and overall just being the best friend ever." you murmur into his shoulder. He pats your back, and you can hear the smile in his voice.

"What else are best friends for, dummy."

ꕥ

and so, with a newfound mindset, the two of you head back to your friends. upon reaching the room, you find the door is closed. Seungkwan moves to open it, before you hear the conversation taking place inside.

"Dude, you have to just tell her soon. I feel so bad when I see her try to get your attention just to see you ignore her." Soonyoungs muffled voice says, and you pull Seungkwans arm away from the knob as you step closer to the door.

"Soonie is right, Joshua. You've put it off for too long now. She's already friends with everyone, there's no getting rid of her and you know one of these days she'll start crying." Jeonghan adds on, and you feel your hands shake as you begin to put the puzzle pieces together on just who they are talking about.

Seungkwan is silent beside you, and the two of you stand still when Joshua speaks. "I know, I know. But... it's so hard." you can hear him exhale tiredly, "She technically hasn't done anything wrong, so I feel guilty that I don't like her. How am I supposed to tell her she makes me uncomfortable with just her presence?" he asks desperately.

Jihoon is quick to respond rationally, "Well, you don't say it like that. You just have to tell her that you can tell she likes you, and while you are flattered, you would appreciate it if she toned her admiration down since it makes you uncomfortable. That's completely valid, Joshua."

A tear slips down your cheek as you take a step back, though you're still close enough to hear Hansol’s voice; you hadn't known that many of your friends were aware of Joshua's discomfort with you, and the realization hurts more than you care to admit. “Just make sure you tell her sooner than later. She looked really hurt when you didn't spare her one glance the whole night but then saw you took interest in Dami."

and if you weren't humiliated before, you certainly were now.

you feel Seungkwan grab your wrist gently, pulling you towards him for comfort, but before you can appreciate the gesture, you hear Joshua speak, wedging a knife into your heart once more.

"I'll see if I can tell her soon. It's just kind of annoying to me, y'know? I have never given her the impression that I like her, so I don't understand why she insists on pushing me so much. She bakes me stuff, stares at me whenever we're all together, and makes me feel like I have to be close with her to not hurt her feelings."

he's silent for a moment before adding the final blow to your heart. "I wish she would just take the hint and leave me alone."

but you've heard enough now; you wipe your cheek and gently shake Seungkwan off before placing your hand on the knob and opening the door. you don't look at your friends' faces, though you can see their mouths open in shock in your peripheral vision. you strut straight towards Joshua, heels clicking as you walk before you stop in front of him.

you observe his pretty parted lips, the way his eyes glimmer when the light hits them just right, and the fact that the boy in front of you who has just shattered your heart is someone you have liked for quite a while.

he opens his mouth, looking to say something, but you didn't think you could handle hearing him speak any longer.

"I'm sorry." you blurt out softly.

"I... you were right, I did like you from the start, and I tried to show it in ways like baking for you and trying to talk to you whenever I had the chance." your voice rings in the quiet room, and the muffled music coming from downstairs makes your head spin.

"I didn't know I made you uncomfortable with my presence, I never would've acted the way I did had I known." your throat hurts and you wish to cry, but as you stand in the middle of the room with your friends and crush looking at you, you hold your tears back.

"I am so incredibly sorry for inconveniencing you all these months. I thought that even though you seemed uninterested, I just had to work a little harder to make you like me, even just as a friend." you smile bitterly as you look into Joshua's widened eyes. "I understand now though, so you won't need to put up with me anymore. I'm sorry that being around me was so hard for you." your voice is laced with heartbreak though it is firm.

you look around at your mutual friends in the room, smiling disappointedly at them, "Well, I'll leave you all to it then. Have a good night, guys."

and with that, you walk out, past Seungkwan, and finally allow the overwhelming amount of tears out.

that night, you wait for Seungkwan in his car while he comes up with an excuse to tell Mingyu, as you two were leaving quite early.

and once you're home, showered, and makeup-free, you lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling. you spiral at the thought of Joshua disliking you all along, and you wonder how many of your friends stood there and watched you make a fool out of yourself each time. it feels suffocating; the knowledge that you have been nothing but a pitiful burdensome girl to Joshua and your friends for so long.

but after tonight, you know you need to change.

and so, while on the brink of falling asleep, you make a promise to yourself to never bother Hong Jisoo again; it would be as if you didn't exist, just as he wanted.

your weekend consists of Seungkwan, Jun, and Minghao comforting you. the two had attended the party as well but arrived quite late so you were not able to catch them. Seungkwan updates them on the events that occurred, and while they feel angry with Joshua on your behalf, they are also upset with the rest of their friends who didn't clue you in on how he felt either.

you enjoy the company, however, and attempt to use those two days during the weekend to heal as much as you could; Minghao does some skincare with you, Jun helps you bake a batch of comfort cookies and Seungkwan convinces you to dye some of your hair as the cliche heartbroken people normally do.

and though it all helped immensely, you still feel unprepared at the thought of what Monday brings.

ꕥ

except when Monday arrives, everything feels anticlimactic. you attend class as usual, spend your break with Seungkwan, Minghao, and Jun, and attend your last lecture of the day before heading home. and that should be the end of it.

unfortunately for you, however, nothing is ever in your favor. while exiting the campus, you find yourself running into the last person you want to see; Joshua.

he’s standing a few meters away, back turned towards you while he talks to Jihoon and Hansol. you are not ready to face them, you realize. you move to turn around and find another way home, but Hansol spots you and waves awkwardly, causing Jihoon and Joshua to turn to you as well. you curse internally at his endearingly unsure smile and wave back tight-lipped.

you figure you might as well keep walking now that they’ve seen you. hiking your backpack higher on your shoulder, you make your way toward them. you know they’re all looking at you still, and the knowledge that Joshua has his eyes on you as well makes you want to crawl into a hole and hide for eternity.

you’re not sure if they expect you to stop and greet them, but Jihoon greets you. “Hi, Y/n.”

you nod once in response with an empty smile before continuing to walk home.

while part of you wants to run back and greet the two and Joshua with a happy smile, you haven’t forgotten the promise you made to yourself to leave Joshua alone. and while that normally wouldn’t include your mutual friends, you’re still upset that they hid his immense discomfort from you for so long. you sigh, shaking your head to rid yourself of these thoughts and continue walking home; you would get over Hong Jisoo, you would make sure of it.

Joshua stares at your retreating back and hears Jihoon sigh. “Well, she’s definitely pissed at you and I, Hansol. I’ve never seen her look so unhappy with us.”

Hansol nods, face pinched, “I don’t blame her, I can’t imagine how she felt after hearing us talk about her like that.” he sulks, looking in the direction you walked in.

“I need to apologize, there’s no way I’m letting things stay the way they are.”

Jihoon pats his shoulder in agreement.

he glances at Joshua, “So, how did it feel finally getting what you want? Happy that she left you alone?”

Joshua frowns at him, unsure himself why he is not very happy, but decides there must be a reason. “Who knows, it feels too early to tell.” he dismisses, ignoring Hansol's narrowed eyes at his response.

he was probably in shock, he reasons. you’ve been consistent in his life for almost a year now, and despite the uneasiness that came with being in a friend group with you, Joshua was not used to your lack of attention. It’ll feel better soon, he tells himself; if only he knew how wrong he was.

you spot your friends again as you begin heading home, though this time they are without Joshua. you sigh before placing your headphones in your ears as you tune out the rest of the world. your eyes are still slightly swollen, courtesy of the humiliating situation you experienced just a few days ago at Mingyu’s party. you have yet to get over it, and the sight of your friends only worsens the heartache. you wonder when the pain will subdue.

you want to be at home, wallowing in self-pity in your bed; the thought makes you move to walk faster until someone grabs your arm. you turn around, jerking your arm with an annoyed expression, ready to tell off whoever grabbed you until you see Jihoon. you tug out your headphones as you press pause on your music.

“What can I do for you?”

Hansol beside him gulps as you take your time to observe him, Jihoon, Soonyoung, and Jeonghan. they all look extremely apologetic, and the sight does diminish some of your pain. some.

“We wanted to say we’re sorry.” Jihoon begins.

the wind blows softly on your face, a contrast to the raging emotions you feel inside of you. the unease you feel surrounded by people who used to make you feel so safe is saddening, but you know none of this is your fault.

Jeonghan moves closer, “There’s no excuse we can give you. We were shitty friends, and that was that. We should have told you about Shua earlier, or defended you. That was on us.”

you stay silent throughout the apology, not exactly pleased with them but willing to hear them out.

“Yeah, and we understand if you aren’t willing to forgive us right away. We’ll work for it.” Hansol interjects. the words sound sincere coming from them all, but you know you’ll need time before you can trust them again.

you nod, face expressionless as the rest of them begin to look dejected.

Soonyoung pouts, “I’m really sorry, Y/n. We all are. And as long as you’re okay with it, we’ll do our best to make it up to you.”

you press your lips together before sighing softly. “Do what you want, no promises that I’ll forgive you right away. You really fucked up and broke my trust.”

the rest of them nod with somber faces at your words, before you wave and begin to turn away, placing your headphones back in your ears. you knew you’d forgive them. it was simply a matter of time for you.

The next incident when Joshua sees you is on a Friday afternoon in the library. upon entering, his eyes immediately find you; clad in an oversized hoodie that looks much too cute on you, reading glasses perched on your nose, and your eyes trained on the book in front of you. you look like a dream.

Joshua blinks back to reality at the thought. you look like a nightmare, he corrects himself.

he sighs, choosing to focus on finding the book he needs, skimming through all of the genres and textbooks, unable to find the one for his Chemistry class. he approaches the front desk, speaking lowly to the librarian, “Do you know if the Chemistry 2L5 textbook is available?”

“One moment.” she responds quietly, clicking her keyboard to search for the availability.

she looks up to him with a shake of her head, “Sorry, it’s not available right now. If you’d like, I can add your name to the wait list?”

Joshua's lip juts out in a slight pout, and he is about to accept when someone places the exact textbook he needs next to him.

he looks up and his eyes find yours; you turn to the librarian, “I’d like to return this, please.”

she takes the book from the desk and glances at Joshua, “Looks like you’re in luck, I’ll sign this out for you now.”

he nods, surprised yet pleased, and moves to thank you, but when he looks to the side, you’re gone.

when Joshua walks home that evening, a dazed look in his eye and textbook in his hands, he thinks of you. he had always thought of you as a little too childish and pushy, but as he glances at the book in his arms, he realizes there may be more to you than he initially thought.

two weeks have passed since Joshua’s encounter with you in the library, and it is as if you do not exist- or rather, it is as if he doesn’t exist.

he should be celebrating, he should be comfortable; he should be happy. and yet, it feels like something is missing.

he sighs and collapses onto his bed. he doesn’t understand why you ignoring him is bothering him so much. but for someone who really liked him before, you sure are good at avoiding him now. he purses his lips, thinking of your past encounters- or lack thereof.

exhibit a.

Exiting his class, Joshua is startled when he hears Hansol’s honking laughter from across the hall. He chuckles quietly to himself as he walks over to Soonyoung and places a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, what’s Hansol laughing his ass off about?” Soonyoung immediately clues him in, going on a tangent about some embarrassing situation that took place moments before.

except Joshua’s eyes dart to you, a few feet away from him, your arm entangled with Minghao’s. he tunes Soonyoung out, watching you glance at him before whispering something to Minghao and leaving without looking back. Joshua snaps out of his daze once you're out of sight and looks back up, noticing Minghao glaring at him.

Well, it seemed many of his friends were upset with him lately. he realizes he can’t blame them.

and of course, the avoiding didn’t end there.

exhibit b.

Joshua entered the popular cafe next to your campus during his break, knowing it was the group's go-to spot for lunch.

“Shua!” Hansol calls. he looks to the side and sees everyone at the corner table; including you.

Joshua motions to the front, “I’m gonna grab something real quick.”

Hansol gives him a thumbs up in response. Joshua orders a simple sandwich, quickly walking to the table, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

but as soon as he begins unwrapping his lunch, you rise from your chair.

“I actually have a class in 10, so I’ll see you guys later.” you announce, grabbing your bag and leaving with a wave.

Jihoon squints as he watches you leave the cafe, “I thought her class wasn’t for another hour.”

Jeonghan shrugs as he chews, “She probably doesn’t want to be around Shuji. We should give her the space she wants.”

The table is silent for a moment before Soonyoung breaks the awkward atmosphere and everyone speaks again.

Joshua, however, stares at his half-opened sandwich ignoring the conversations around him. suddenly, he did not have an appetite.

but once again, things didn't stop there, leading to:

exhibit c.

“So, who’s house are we meeting at for tonight?” Jun asks no one in particular.

Mingyu sighs dramatically, “Not mine, my place is still trashed as fuck from last week's party.”

Joshua internally rolls his eyes, Mingyu and his weekly parties.

“We can do mine? I’ll text Y/n and tell her we’re doing a movie night.” Minghao suggests, and everyone agrees. Joshua wonders if you’ll come, since you’ve made it your number one goal to not be in the same vicinity of him for the past three weeks. he bites his lip in anticipation, discreetly staring at Minghao typing on his phone as he texts you. he watches Minghao’s brows furrow and lips tug down before he sighs and clicks his phone off.

He lifts his head up, “Y/n can’t make it, but she said ‘Have fun and don’t watch a super scary horror movie or Seungkwan and Soonyoung won’t be able to sleep tonight.’” he giggles as he reads out the last part.

Soonyoung and Seungkwan stand up with matching pouts, yelling all kinds of nonsense but all Joshua can think about is how he’s ruined the entire friend group dynamic from his own stupidity. he wonders if things will ever go back to normal again.

another week has passed since you rejected their movie invite, and Joshua feels as though he is losing his mind. it has been well over a month since what occurred at Mingyu’s party, and nothing feels the same. he tries to convince himself that it’s guilt, but even he knows that what he feels goes deeper than that.

but today he can’t think about you; Juyeon, his brother, informed Joshua that he would be visiting tonight. and while lately you’ve been occupying his mind, he knows he has to focus on his brother unless he wants to get scolded.

he sighs for the umpteenth time, staring at the front door of his apartment and waiting to hear the bell. despite knowing it was going to come, he still flinches at the sound. Joshua rises to his feet and inhales deeply before opening the door.

“Hey, Hyung,” he says with a hesitant smile, ignoring the way Juyeon nods in response, face blank.

Juyeon removes his jacket and hands it to Joshua who obediently hangs it up, before sauntering over to the couch.

Joshua quickly takes a seat on the couch in front of him, “I ordered from your favorite restaurant, the food is on the table.” he speaks quietly.

Juyeon ignores what he has said and spreads his legs comfortably, “How have you been doing in school, Jisoo?”

Joshua swallows; suddenly his throat feels dry. “I’m doing well, I’m still at the top of all my classes." his voice is soft, gentle; weak. but he's always been weak when it came to his brother, and it has never gotten better with time.

Juyeon nods, face unreadable, "Okay, good. I expect you to email me your grades when they arrive. Don't disappoint me, Jisoo."

Joshua dips his head, face passive. "I won't, I promise." he stands up, holding his hands behind his back to hide the fact that they are shaking. "Let's eat? I'll get the food ready."

Juyeon nods once again, and Joshua is reminded of his hatred for his mannerisms; his inability to speak if it's not to scold him or ask about his grades.

Juyeon takes a seat at the table, posture straight and face confident as Joshua places the food for his brother first, and himself after.

Joshua is in the midst of placing food on his plate when Juyeon squints his eyes, looking at Joshua's portion. "You're going to eat all of that?" he asks unabashedly.

Joshua pauses, wide eyes looking at his brother as he nods slowly.

it was the wrong answer it seemed, as his brother frowns. "You may want to limit how much you're eating. I noticed as soon as I saw you that you've gained some weight." he dabs a napkin on the sides of his mouth before looking up at Joshua, "You need to keep in good health to take over the company when I'm too old."

Joshua ignores the way his eyes burn, nodding at Juyeon's words, and places half of the food on his plate back in the pot.

The rest of the night goes uneventful, with only a few snide remarks and insults thrown Joshua's way. but that is how it's always been with Juyeon, and Joshua hadn't expected anything different.

when Juyeon leaves, Joshua stands in his apartment alone with an empty stomach. his eyes crystalize with tears and he sniffles, wiping them half-heartedly. he decides to go on a walk, heedless of it being dark outside.

he doesn't know where he's going, but he walks, and walks, until his feet take him to a playground. It's empty, quiet, and dark; the perfect place to cry alone. so he does. he sits on a swing and cries, albeit softly.

he hates his stupid family, and his stupid brother, and the stupid company he has to take over. Joshua hates it all.

he doesn't know how long he sits there crying, but it must be a while as he suddenly feels cold. the night air brushes against his bare arms, goosebumps arising to the touch as he continues to sniffle.

"Um, are you okay?" a hesitant voice reaches out, and Joshua jumps at the sound.

they put their hands up in alarm, "Sorry, sorry! I've just been hearing you cry for the last ten minutes and I finally built the courage to just come and ask-" they step into the dimly lit yellow street light; it's you.

"-if you're okay..." you trail off, arms falling to your sides as you observe Joshua's appearance. Joshua on the other hand, feels horrified; someone he wasn't close to in the slightest caught him crying alone at a park in the middle of the night. he doesn't know what to say as he looks at you with wide teary eyes.

after a moment of staring at each other, you sigh and slowly step closer as Joshua continues to stare at you.

you take a seat on the swing next to him.

"So, what's got you so sad tonight? Did something happen, or was it a particularly sad movie?" you ask quietly.

Joshua certainly isn't in his right mind after all that has occurred in the past hours and decides to stop thinking rationally.

"You know of a movie that would make someone cry in the middle of the night at a park alone?" he asks with a watery smile, and you look back at him sheepishly.

"Not really, but I figured I would give you an out if you didn't wanna talk," you shrug. Joshua appreciates the sentiment.

the two of you sit in silence for another minute, until a harsh gust of wind causes Joshua to sneeze. your eyes dart to his bare arms as he sniffles, brows furrowing. "Dude, why would you leave the house without a jacket at this time?" you berate worriedly.

Joshua sulks when he looks at your concerned eyes, "I wasn't really... in the right state of mind." he whispers. you nod in understanding, before standing up and unzipping your oversized sweater.

Joshua watches you wearily as you walk over to him, stopping in front and bending down to his eye level, before gently placing your sweater around his shoulders. he stares into your eyes confused, but his shoulders sag as the feeling as warmth and comfort overtake his senses.

"Put your arms in, hurry up before you catch a cold." you remind, smiling when he listens and does as you ask.

he's missed your smile, he thinks.

he looks up at you once putting his arms in, and you nod in approval before gesturing to the zipper.

"You do it," Joshua says petulantly, and you look at him with an incredulous face before sighing in exasperation and doing as he asks. he is definitely going to be embarrassed when he wakes up tomorrow, but you've already seen him sob alone before this, so he figures his dignity can take one more hit.

you stand up when you're done, and Joshua murmurs a "Thank you," covering his face with his sweater-covered palms, enjoying the warmth it brings to his cold cheeks.

"I should get going, I'm really not trying to get kidnapped by going home any later than this," you say, and Joshua looks up, trying to ignore the pit of disappointment he feels at the knowledge you are leaving.

you smile faintly at him, "I'll see you around, Joshua. Don't worry about returning the sweater, you can just give it whenever you have the chance."

you turn to leave, until-

"Wait."

you turn back to him in confusion, and Joshua knows he needs to take this chance to make everything right; apologize, ask for forgiveness, and suggest starting over. you have been plaguing his mind for too long now, and after tonight, Joshua knows that he doesn't want to be strangers with you. he wants to get to know you as a person; as a friend, and to do that, he needs to apologize.

Joshua stands up, hands curling on the ends of his sleeves- your sleeves, "I... I just wanted to apologize." he starts, watching your brows furrow.

"For what?" you ask softly, sounding genuinely confused, and Joshua feels like the biggest asshole to exist.

"For everything!" he says frustrated.

"I... was so horrible to you from the start. I didn't even get to know you before I started disliking you, and it's been eating at me for the past month, but I regret every single thing I said that day." he bites his lip, sniffling, and stares at your feet, refusing to look at your face.

"You were never the problem, it was me. I think I got nervous that you liked me and were so forward, but that didn't mean you deserved to be ignored like that, or talked about behind your back." Joshua is breathless at the end of his apology, and he looks to see you staring at him with surprised eyes. "Um... you don't have to forgive me right away- or forgive me at all, of course! but, and I know this is a long shot, but if you were by chance open to it, I'd like to start over with you... as friends?" he finishes hesitantly, chest rising with each breath as he awaits your response.

when you seem to process everything he's said, you blink harshly and look into his eyes with a friendly smile, "Thank you for your apology, Joshua. It means a lot." you turn, starting to walk away.

Joshua's shoulders sag in defeat; he figures this was your wordless rejection to his proposal, until you turn back around.

"Sure though, let's start over!" you call out, voice echoing slightly in the silent neighborhood.

Joshua's eyes light up, smiling widely as he nods back at you.

that night, once Joshua is back in his apartment dressed in pajamas and drowning in the soft covers on his bed, he stares at the sweater on his desk with a giddy smile, shoving his face into his pillow with a happy noise.

he was so excited to see you tomorrow.

ꕥ

“So what, he apologized and you just forgave him?! just like that?” Seungkwan yells, looking at you as if you were crazy.

you giggle at his wide-eyed expression, “Yes, I did. It was a very genuine apology, okay?” but he shakes his head at you in response.

Minghao interjects from his place on your desk chair, “Lighten up, Kwannie. Y/n can make the decision for herself. I’m sure she knows better than us whether or not she can trust him,” he takes a bite out of the apple in his hand, “After all, she’s the one who he hurt the most. She would be more skeptical than us.”

Jun nods, “And I’m sure he won’t do anything like that again. Y/n ignored him for so long which clearly made him react.” he shrugs, moving to pat your head in comfort.

You smile at their responses, “Exactly! Don’t worry Kwan, I won’t get hurt again. I expect quite literally nothing from him.” while you are endeared by Seungkwan's overprotective behavior, you don’t regret forgiving Joshua. you know had you rejected his apology, you would’ve regretted it.

Seungkwan sighs, moving to hug you with a pout, “Okay, as long as you’re sure Y/nie.”

he grabs your face in front of his and squishes your cheeks, “Just promise me you’ll tell me if he does something again, I’ll beat him up!”

“Okay! I promise.” you remove his hands from your face laughing, before Minghao interrupts, “Beat him up with what muscles? You’re about as weak as they come.” he teases, but shuts up when Seungkwan levels him with a glare.

you giggle as they bicker, standing off to the side and watching them with Jun. you had told them part of what happened with Joshua. you just cut out the entire fact that he was sobbing uncontrollably, figuring it was a personal thing.

and so, things have changed once again.

the next time you see Joshua, he’s with the others. you greet them all with a cheerful grin, smile widening when Joshua waves at you and blushes. you assume he’s still embarrassed about last night, and though you should feel bad, you find his reddened cheeks look very cute.

“So! What are we doing for lunch?” you lilt, leaning your head on Minghao's shoulder.

he wraps his arm around you, "Nothing at this rate. These losers are still fighting over where to eat."

that was not the correct thing to say it seemed, as they began quarreling with him now. you sigh and clap your hands loudly, "Okay! Sucks for all of you, I'm choosing now, and I say we go to the cafe like we normally do."

the rest of them stay silent and agree begrudgingly, and you giggle as you step out of Minghao's arm and take the lead to walk there. you hear footsteps get closer to you, and turn assuming it is Seungkwan, until you look up and see Joshua.

you raise your eyebrows and smile, "Hi. You okay?"

Joshua presses his lips together and nods. you notice his cheeks are still a little pink. you bite your lip to stop yourself from grinning.

"Yeah, uh, the others didn't wanna go to the cafe at first because they wanted to try somewhere new, but we couldn't agree on a place." he rubs the back of his neck sheepish, and your stomach jumps slightly when you realize he's actually engaging in a conversation with you.

but you're not as nervous around him as you were before, the blissful innocent feelings you harbored for him have simmered down into a muted version of what was once so intense.

you nod understandingly, "Ah, I see. Too bad for them then." you shrug, and Joshua chuckles at your demeanor.

you arrive at the cafe and everyone goes to order their food. you take a seat right away, however, as you bought your lunch in the morning. you take it out of your bag, unwrapping it as someone takes a seat in the chair beside you. you look up to see the last person you'd expect; Joshua.

he promptly ignores your questioning face and unwraps his own lunch. "So, how were your classes, Y/n?"

you squint your eyes before shaking your head, “Good, good. except my first one, I got paired with someone I don’t really like, but it’ll be okay.”

Joshua is surprised, finding the idea that someone upset you so much you disliked them very shocking, “Oh, what did they do for you to not like them?” he asks curiously.

you open your mouth to respond, but the rest of your friends arrive with their own food. you smile at Joshua, “I’ll tell you another time.”

his bottom lip pushes out unintentionally, and you giggle as you look away from him.

the next thirty minutes consist of the familiar comforting atmosphere that existed between you and the others, before Minghao calls out to you from across the table.

“Y/n, Hongjoong was asking about you the other day.” he wipes his mouth as he speaks, arms folding on the table as he leans over. the table has quieted down, all eyes staring at you with raised brows.

you tilt your head, “Oh? What for?”

“I think he’s into you. He asked for your number, but I figured I’d ask before giving it out.”

Joshua shifts in his seat beside you, an uncomfortable look taking over his face. what was this deep pit he feels in his stomach? he frowns as he watches you smile shyly. “Ah, I see. I don’t know him that well, but you can give him my number.”

Joshua’s breath hitches at your words, and the rest of the table goes completely silent. you to look around in confusion as your cheeks puff out, “What?”

the ruckus picks up again, Hansol waving his hands awkwardly, “Nothing, nothing! We just didn’t know you were interested in dating right now.”

Joshua’s heart drops at the word. you were interested in dating? he wants to pout, why would you go out with this Hongjoong guy when you liked him just a little while ago?

“I’m not saying i’ll date him, I’m just saying you can give him my number and i’ll see where things go, that’s all!” you smile reassuringly, though all it does is make Hansol nod unconvinced.

Joshua knows the others are just as shocked as he is, especially since your feelings for him were not exactly a secret. but you giving your number to Hongjoong meant something has changed. either you wanted a new friend, or you’ve moved on from Joshua.

he finds the latter an upsetting thought.

ꕥ

“Who’s that?” Joshua asks, brows furrowed slightly as his eyes narrow.

Jun’s lips tug upward at the sight of Joshua’s face, “Hongjoong.”

Joshua’s head whips to Jun, “That’s him? He isn’t even her type!”

Jun chuckles at his friends’ words. “And who exactly is her type?” he leans his face closer, eyes mischievous, “You?”

“I never said that. I just meant she’s out of his league.” Joshua huffs, crossing his arms. Jun shakes his head at Joshua who is still burning stares into your back as you giggle at Hongjoong’s words.

what exactly was he saying that was so funny? Joshua could be funny too. why were you standing so close to him too? did he know a thing about personal space? Joshua doesn’t know what expression is on his face, but it must be comedic as Jun beside him bursts into giggles.

“If you like her, maybe you should just confess?”

Joshua splutters, “I do not like her! I’m merely…concerned for her well-being.”

Jun nods, rolling his eyes. “Uh huh, sure.”

there was no way he could like you. the two of you were only just getting to know one another properly! especially after the past events, Joshua was simply glad you accepted him as a friend. he could not like you now after rejecting your advances for so long as well.

“I’m serious. I do not like her.” Joshua stares at the glimmer in your eyes, the pretty color of your lips that stretch into a grin, and the way your hair falls perfectly around your face. “There’s no way I could possibly…”

but then his eyes dart to the man before you, eyes scanning the flirty smirk that is directed towards you as you tuck a lock of hair behind your ear. Hongjoong moves closer, arms wrapping tightly around your waist as you move yours around his neck, and Joshua bristles. when the two of you part, he exhales rather dramatically.

turning to Jun, Joshua presses his lips together. “Okay. Maybe I like her.”

Jun cackles, lips curving into a grin, “Yeah, I could tell.”

Joshua looks at his friend, expression hopeless, “Fuck. What do I do?”

“I refuse! I reject you! Not even in one thousand years!”

Seungkwan grabs a couch pillow and chucks it at Joshua as he hides behind Jihoon. Minghao is trying to calm Seungkwan down, pulling at his arm gently but all Seungkwan does is glare harder at Joshua from across the room.

“You can’t like her now! You had your chance, you fucked up and now she’ll date Hongjoong and you can suffer!” Seungkwan laughs wickedly at Joshua’s fear, and he can hear Hansol’s barely contained giggle from the corner of the room as well.

Jihoon intervenes calmly, “Kwannie, that’s not your choice to make. Y/n can decide for herself. Joshua just wanted to tell you because you’re her best friend and you mean a lot to her.”

Seungkwan pouts, cheeks puffing out cutely as he falls rather dramatically onto the couch. “Yeah well, you should’ve seen her the night your best friend Joshua said she makes him uncomfortable to a bunch of people she thought were her friends.”

the room quiets at that, Jihoon not exactly having a response as even he knows the night of Mingyu’s party was something that impacted you and your friendship with most of them.

“Listen…” Joshua stands up, hands falling from Jihoons shoulders as he moves to the side. “I fucked up. I know, I admit it, okay?”

Seungkwan crosses his arms, head tilting up as he listens.

“But I’m really trying here, Kwannie. I should’ve given her a chance before, but I didn’t and that was on me. This time won’t be like before, I’ll be the one chasing her, I promise.”

he walks forward, closer to Seungkwan as Jun, Hansol, Minghao and Jihoon watch in silence. “I’d really like it if you could also give me a chance, I’m sorry I was a horrible friend to you and Y/n. I’ll do my best to make it up to you both.”

Seungkwan deflates, “Y/n especially.” he seems to have given up on his anger after Joshua’s apology, and Joshua smiles happily at the notion.

“Y/n especially.” he repeats.

ꕥ

"Mingyu, hi!" you greet with a giddy smile, moving to hug the tall man as you enter his home.

he grins back, "Y/n!", and sweeps you off your feet, spinning you around as you giggle like children. the rest of your friends watch with amused expressions as he places you down, ruffling your already messy hair even more. you turn to look at the rest of them, "What are we waiting here for, why haven't you guys set up?"

you walk into the living room, placing your basket of snacks down, and beginning to put pillows on the floor. it was movie night, which meant you and the others met up at Mingyu's house and all watched a movie that the majority voted on. tonight it was either The Little Mermaid, or The Exorcist. two very different options, and you were voting for The Exorcist; Seungkwan was the funniest when watching horror movies.

“We were waiting for you to show up.” Jihoon interjects from across the room, beginning to help you place pillows and blankets on the floor.

you stand up, stretching as your arms go up, “Ah, my bad. Well i’m here now!”

you all begin to take your seats on the pillows, snuggling into the blankets. you sigh, content, turning to the side and smiling at Seungkwan. you look to your right to see who is sat beside you there, and lo and behold, there sits Hong Jisoo. your heart jumps for a moment at the close proximity, and you mentally berate yourself for it. you promised yourself you would move on from him, so why was he sticking to you like glue now?

Joshua smiles, “Are you excited to watch The Little Mermaid?”

“Yeah, but I was looking forward to seeing Kwannie all scared. It’s too bad.” you puff out your cheeks, pouting, until Seungkwan hits you with a pillow beside you and you burst into giggles.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” you plead through laughs, falling onto your back as your head lands in Joshua’s lap. Seungkwan stops his assault, causing you to look up with a breathless smile, and you find yourself face to face with Joshua.

he looks at you so sweetly, your heart jumps; the smile on your face falls. you look up at him with wide eyes as you realize your current position.

he looks down at you with an amused grin, “You good?”

you immediately sit up, ignoring the butterflies that run rampant in your stomach.

“I’m good.”

the rest of the boys watch your interaction closely, before Jihoon sighs loudly and presses play on the movie.

you sit with your knees to your chest, trying your best to focus on the movie and not the boy on your right. you knew getting over him was not going to be an easy task, but his sudden friendly behavior has made it hard to make any progress.

half way through the movie you feel him lean closer, “Don’t you think Flounder is cuter in the live action?” he whispers into your ear.

you barely register the words, shocked with the closeness. “Yeah, his voice actor is that kid from Wonder.” you whisper back, glancing at the others to see if they noticed you two speaking. they all remain focused with the television, and you feel silly for thinking you had anything to hide.

Joshua nods beside you, subtly moving closer until your shoulders are touching. the skin on your arm tingles with the warmth, and your mind scrambles for some sort of reasoning as to why he was acting this way.

the movie finishes soon after, with you quickly standing up and excusing yourself before heading to the bathroom.

your face looks flushed in the mirror; you hate that Joshua still manages to get you so flustered.

you slap both of your cheeks, closing your eyes as you take a deep breath. you can do this. you will get over Hong Jisoo.

you exit out of the bathroom, finding most of the guys passed out on the couch, save for Seungkwan, Jihoon and Joshua. you ignore Joshua’s intense stare as you head straight for Seungkwan. you wrap your arms around him, “Ready to go?”

Seungkwan pats your back, “Yeah, let me grab my keys and we can leave.”

you turn, watching as Seungkwan says his goodbyes to Jihoon, though your attention falls onto Joshua when he takes steps towards you. you tilt your head up, crossing your arms, “I’ll see you around, Joshua.”

“Don’t avoid me anymore, okay?” he asks, “We’re friends now, right?”

you hadn’t exactly thought the two of you were close, but you supposed friends was okay. after all, he’s already apologized to you and you’ve seen him in a fairly intimate setting; him crying in a playground at night. you sigh softly at the reminder of that night.

“Yeah. Friends.” you smile, arms uncrossing as he moves to hug you. you wrap your arms around his back, unsure, as he tugs you close. you can smell the subtle cologne coating his skin as you inhale, hating the way you enjoy the scent.

the two of you part, and you say your goodbyes to Jihoon as well. you leave with Seungkwan, feeling more confused than ever. you had given up on Joshua, not only romantically but as a friend. you feel conflicted, but you suppose you should take things as they go.

it wasn’t like he liked you, so all was well. you can still get over your feelings for him as you stay friends, you’re sure of it!

you are not sure of anything. ever since your night meeting Joshua at the park, he’s been acting weird; clingy.

and there was nothing wrong with being clingy, you adore your friends who cling to you and shower you with affection! but Hong Jisoo was no ordinary friend of yours, and you find yourself stumped at his behavior. in the span of three weeks, he has baked you cookies; you specifically.

“I baked these just for you, will you try them?” he smiled sweetly. you simply nodded in response.

he’s also waited for you after class; “Y/n!” he shouted, waving with a cute smile as he stands off to the side. you looked at Joshua in shock, before walking towards him and tilting your head, “What’re you here for?”

“You!” he grinned, “Let’s go find the others, i’m starving.” your eyes scan his face, looking to see if this was some sick joke, but he was completely serious. you walk side by side as you meet up with your friends, shrugging when Seungkwan looks at you two with raised brows. you didn’t know either.

what really did it for you however, was his behavior when you mentioned meeting Hongjoong again.

“Yeah, Hongjoong is gonna be at the party, so I…” the smile slipped from his face as soon as you brought it up, causing you to trail off as you tilt your head.

your brows furrow as you stare at Joshua, “I told him I’d meet him there.”

you bite your lip, figuring you should just ask. “Are you okay? You look kind of annoyed.”

Joshua’s face changes immediately as he forces a smile, “Yeah, yeah. I just didn’t know you and Hongjoong were still talking.”

“Oh, yeah, we haven’t stopped. He’s really sweet, we get along well!” you smile happily as you speak, and though Joshua smiles back at you, you feel something off about his demeanour.

“Oh! That’s good, that’s good.”

you pause. he doesn’t sound as genuine as he normally does. he almost looks… Jealous? you try to scrap the thought immediately, but it stays with you as you go about your days.

ꕥ

you’re getting ready for Mingyu’s party, thinking about the fact that Joshua and Hongjoong are going to be in the same vicinity. you just hope it won’t be awkward, but why should it be? the guy you used to like and the guy that currently liked you. that isn't odd in the slightest.

but that doesn't stop you from overthinking it as Seungkwan sighs loudly behind you. you feel a sense of deja vu as he waits for you on your bed, though this time you are not attending the party in hopes of catching Joshua's attention.

much has changed, you realize. you figure any change is a good change, even if your feelings for Joshua were still there.

"Let's go?" you ask with a cheery smile. Seungkwan nods before getting up and shrugging his jacket on. the two of you arrive somewhat late; a consequence of you taking time to get ready.

the moment you walk into the house you are reminded why you dislike parties, until Seungkwan grabs your hand and you relax. you look around, though before you are able to find a familiar face you feel Seungkwan pull you aside. you look up once you are out of the crowd, finding your friends.. and Joshua. you suppose you should consider him part of your friends now, but he was always going to be a little different to you.

"Y/n! Seungkwan! Where have you guys been?" Soonyoung yells, and Seungkwan responds with a shake of his head as he points his finger at you.

you giggle unapologetically, "My bad!"

the rest of them begin to make conversation, before you feel someone stand next to you causing you to look up. you find Joshua, clad in a white button-up and black pants. his sleeves are rolled to his elbow, and you struggle not to ogle his hands.

he smiles, "You look good."

you look down at your outfit abashed, smiling back as you sigh softly, "Thanks, you too."

Joshua opens his mouth, but before he can speak, someone calls your name.

"Y/n?"

you look behind Joshua, finding Hongjoong. "Oh! Hongjoong, hi!"

he walks closer to you, looking at your outfit from head to toe with a small grin, "I've been looking for you. You look gorgeous tonight."

the rest of your friends sit silent, including Joshua who stands off to the side with his arms crossed. you shift nervously as all attention is on you.

"Let's get a drink?" Hongjoong suggests. your eyes dart to Joshua's, finding that he looks rather annoyed. you know you need to get over him, however, so you accept as Hongjoong takes your hand in his, whisking you off to another room.

"What the fuck was that?" Jihoon asks once you’re gone, and the rest of them shrug in response.

Seungkwan takes a sip of Minghao's drink, ignoring his friends' incredulous expression as he responds, "They've been texting, so it makes sense that he'd wanna see her tonight. Sucks for Joshua but looks like my little Y/n has moved on."

Joshua glares at Seungkwan before his eyes find you, across the room, drink in your hand and Hongjoong by your side. that should be him, beside you.

but then he remembers the last time you were here, and knows he has no one but himself to blame.

"I'm going to get a drink," Joshua announces, stalking off before he gets a reply.

Jihoon sighs once Joshua is gone, "Seriously, Seungkwan?"

"What?" Seungkwan pouts.

ꕥ

the rest of the night goes by fast; you enjoy your time with Hongjoong, finding his personality and yours mesh well.

but you can’t shake off the feeling that you don’t see him romantically. perhaps it is your unresolved feelings for Joshua, but you know you can’t lead him on much longer. you’ve tried to move on, but involving another person was not something you wished to do.

it’s almost 12:00am, and your feet are beginning to hurt so you tell Hongjoong you’re going to leave. he moves to hug you, arms wrapping around you tightly as you hug him back.

but once you part, he pauses. he stares at your face, and you stare back up at him. your eyes are wide as he leans closer, and you know he is about to kiss you. you know you need to reject him, and reject him now.

but before you can, you feel someone grab your arm and you are ripped away from Hongjoong’s embrace.

you blanch, looking up at- Joshua.

he looks annoyed, smile nowhere to be seen as he stands tall. he glances at Hongjoong, “We should get going, you’ll see each other another day!”

you hear Hongjoong yell “What the fuck?!” as Joshua tugs you down the hall and into a room.

you follow, too stumped to pause and ask him what the hell he was doing. he shuts the door, finally letting go of you as you look up at him as though he is crazy.

“What the fuck, Joshua?”

you look around, finding yourself in the same room you were in when you overheard Joshua on that night.

he stands off to the side, silent once again but you aren’t having it this time.

“No, you need to say something, Joshua. That was so disrespectful to Hongjoong-”

“Please, enough about Hongjoong.” he interrupts.

you scoff, “Is that what this is about? You always seemed weird when I talked about him but I don’t understand why. You can’t just hate him for no reason.”

you feel your hands shake beside you as you question Joshua, unsure and angered that he would do something so rude in front of someone you considered a friend. because even if you didn’t like Hongjoong romantically, he was someone you cherished as a person.

Joshua sighs, “I have my reasons.”

you roll your eyes at him, “Care to elaborate? That’s not enough to justify your behavior back there.”

Joshua is silent once again. you observe the way he fiddles with his sleeves; he looks almost nervous, and you feel yourself calm down at the notion.

“Is something wrong? Did I do something? Or did he do something?”

Joshua shakes his head firmly, “It’s not you. And it’s not him either. Well, it’s kind of you, but also me.”

you’re at a complete loss now, “Please, just explain Joshua.”

the silence is deafening. the loud music blares through the door behind you, muffled lyrics that you can’t bring yourself to decipher as you stare at Joshua across the room. what could possibly be so important that he had to interrupt your goodbye with Hongjoong? especially in the manner he did it? you are completely confused.

Joshua sighs, glancing at the floor before staring directly at you. your heart jumps as your eyes meet.

“I like you. I have feelings for you.”

your breath comes to a halt and your hands shake once more, this time for a reason other than anger.

“What do you…”

he sighs, ruffling his hands through his hair. “I started liking you somewhere along the way after that night at the park. I should’ve done things differently.”

your lips part at his confession.

“I should have never avoided you, I should have apologized as soon as you heard me. And I shouldn’t have ruined your chances with Hongjoong back there.”

he looks sulky and annoyed, “But he was going to kiss you! And I hadn’t even gotten to confess. I know it’s unfair, but I couldn’t have let him have the chance to kiss you before I told you how I felt. I’m sorry.”

he’s out of breath by the end of his apology, and you find yourself utterly stumped at the confession. of all things, you were not expecting the man you have been chasing for a year to suddenly confess.

but before anything else, you needed to clarify things. “Joshua, I wasn’t going to kiss him.”

his brows furrow, “Yes you were, he was leaning closer to kiss you, Y/n.”

you huff out a laugh at the anger coating his words, “Yes, but I wasn’t going to kiss him.”

“Oh…” he mumbles. “So you don’t like him then?”

you shake your head with a shy smile, “No, actually. There’s this other guy I’ve been interested in for a while now.”

Joshua perks up, “Oh really? Do I know him by any chance?”

he takes slow steps towards you, hand darting out to gently grasp yours, fingers intertwining as he squeezes softly. you stare into his brown irises,

“Hmm.. dunno. You may have met once or twice.”

Joshua leans closer, breath fanning your face as he bends down. “Just to be clear, we are talking about me, right?” he asks lowly.

you tilt your head up, rolling your eyes with a smile, “Yes, doofus. Who else would I be talking about?”

he frowns, “Well, you could’ve easily been talking about Hongjoong, since-”

you roll your eyes once more before grabbing his face and pulling him towards you. you interrupt his rambling, “I’m going to kiss you, so if you want to run away, now is the chance.”

“Like I’d run away after pining after you for so long,” he scoffs, leaning in and capturing your lips with his.

his lips feel soft against yours, moving slowly as you push forward, deepening the kiss as your hands shake. his left arm moves to wrap around your waist as his right one tilts your head up, maneuvering you into the perfect position. you know you need air but Joshua’s lips make you delirious.

“Jisoo.” you pant, breaking away.

he presses another kiss to your lips, “Mm?”

your hands push gently at his chest, “That was great, but I need air.”

he smiles at your comment, pearly teeth coming into view. he tucks a lock of hair behind your ear, “Whatever my girl wants.”

your chest warms at his words as you push him away with another roll of your eyes. he laughs softly at the action, only pulling you closer as he pecks your temple.

ꕥ

“So, what did you end up telling Hongjoong?” Seungkwan asks, eyes wide and lips parted curiously.

you sigh, “I just told him I was interested in someone else and that I was sorry. He was really sweet about it and promised we’d stay friends.”

Minghao exhales, shaking his head, “Wow. What a nice guy. You sure you didn’t make the wrong choice, Y/n?”

Joshua tugs you into his embrace tighter as he glares at Minghao, “Haven’t I learned my lesson already?”

Minghao sticks his tongue out at him in response causing you to shake your head with a laugh.

Hansol snorts across the room, “Children, I tell you.”

the rest of them begin bickering with one another as you sink into Joshua’s embrace. so perhaps happy endings did exist, even for someone like you. the love and care you so desperately craved from Joshua seemed like a wishful dream, only coming true when you had truly given up.

but you appreciate the journey that led you to where you are now. with a new friend; Hongjoong, and a closer bond with your current friends who made mistakes and made it up to you, you know happiness is not a mere myth.

as Joshua wraps his arms around you and places his chin above your shoulder, you smile at the scene of your friends surrounding you. everything you’ve ever needed was right there.

Extra:

“What did you want to talk about, Jisoo?” Juyeon asks distractedly, the soft sound of pages turning echoing through the phone.

you are seated beside Joshua, hand in his as his other one holds up his phone to his ear. you squeeze once, shooting him a reassuring smile as he smiles shakily back.

“I’m not taking over the company.”

the sound of ruffling papers pauses, a deafening silence comes before his brothers low voice asks, “What?”

Joshua sits up straight. “I’m not taking over the company. I don’t want to.”

“Have you forgotten why you must take over the company? It’s your responsibility! You cannot just refuse!” his brothers' voice sends shivers down his spine; a result of the exhausting power dynamic that has always existed between the two. but Joshua was done with that life, he was done playing the quiet little brother who did everything Juyeon asked for.

a glance at your encouraging face has his heart seizing up. he could do this, if not for himself then for you.

Joshua sighs quietly, “I’m paying for my own tuition, so I’ll choose what I want to study. I’m done with the company, and I’m done with you, Juyeon.”

“That is not your decision to make, Jisoo!” Juyeon shouts, voice so loud your eyes widen as you hear it. Joshua squeezes your hand to let you know he’s okay. he wishes things could have been different.

“Actually, it is. You hold no power over me. I don’t want to hear from you unless it’s an apology. I’ll talk to you some other time, Juyeon-hyung. I hope you grow into a better person and become a better brother. As much as I wish things didn’t have to be this way, I know they have to be for now.”

his voice begins to tremble as he sucks in a deep breath, “Goodbye, Hyung.”

he removes the phone from his ear, finger pressing the end button even as he continues to hear Juyeon yell.

Joshua sighs, placing his phone face down on the couch beside him.

“How was it?” you ask, though you already know the answer. Joshua smiles, somewhat forced as he collapses into your arms.

he inhales softly, “I just need my Y/n hugs and I’ll be okay.”

you run a hand through his hair as you kiss the top of his head, “Sure, that and Y/n’s food. Don’t think you’re getting away with sleeping and not eating dinner.”

he groans and picks his head up, lip jut out as you kiss his pout away. “No pouting, eat and then sleep! I’ll be here the whole time.”

he drops his head on your chest, snuggling back into you, “Yeah, that’s the best part.”

you smile down and peck his head once more. you truly were so lucky.

@scuzmunkie ;>

#seventeen x you #seventeen x reader #seventeen angst #joshua x reader #jisoo x reader #hong jisoo x reader #joshua hong angst #joshua fluff #seventeen imagines

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toruro · 9 months

Text

— ✧ 00:00

an alternate ending to isohel

pairing. hong joshua x reader

description. your time with each other is up, but still, you learn to live.

genre. angst

w/c. 850+

a/n. have been feeling out of practice and decided 2 share an alternate ending for isohel 4 some fun ^^ not sure how much sense this will make if u haven't already read isohel since this takes place after the major events of the story, so i highly recommend reading that first!

One year since he's heard your voice yet Joshua still hears you in the walls of the castle. When he opens the door to his study, your soft footsteps and quiet breaths melt into the background.

It calms him down more often than not, but sometimes it makes him cry. He dreams that you'll wipe his tears just as you did hundreds of nights before, but Joshua knows in his bones that he'll just have to pick himself up this time.

Some nights you cry too. You hold that silk ribbon to your nose and you imagine that Joshua is right there, right in the palm of your hand. You know he’s not, and you know he never will be—not again.

...

Three years since you’ve looked Joshua in the eye and finally, you’re graduating. A grand occasion for the kingdom given Hong University is meant for the finest of students; Joshua is sent to give a speech to the graduating class.

He stands on the same stage that you walked down a mere hour ago, looking down upon the rows of students. You sit among them, wondering if he can see you.

Joshua wonders too. Amidst the identical caps and gowns, he searches for your face, your eyes, your smile.

When he finds you, it feels like time itself freezes.

There’s a tug at his heart when your eyes finally meet. A wind brushes over him and Joshua imagines that it is the ghost of your lips on his skin instead.

Your heart aches too, but then there’s a revel of cheers and everyone is throwing their caps into the air and of course, you do the same.

Joshua loses your smile in the scene, and for a moment he wants to sob. He wants to let his knees buckle and fall to the ground, heaving in heavy breaths as thick tears pool in his lash line.

He looks up into the sky, and it’s painted with purple caps, and through the dots peaks the light of the sun.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Joshua knows that you’re looking at the same sun, and the thought makes him smile.

...

Five years since you’ve spoken to each other and Joshua’s chest no longer aches. He’s King now, if that ever meant anything to him in the first place, but as he works through the title, he realizes that things aren’t too bad.

Some days Joshua walks through Sol Invictus. He glances over Helios’ pegasi, and for a gracing moment, he thinks you would have loved them.

Joshua misses you like one misses the sun on a cloudy day. You're always there, always hidden behind something, but he knows. He knows you're always there.

You own a plant shop now, and you love it.

Some days you simply walk through the rows of greenery and color, breathing in the crisp air of dawn and dew. You look at the hyacinth that sits on your little head table, the silk ribbon that was gifted to you years ago tied around the pot, and you smile.

Smiling is easier now.

...

Ten years since you’ve set foot in the castle and some days you think of each other, some days you don't, but no matter what, you don’t forget. You two can’t ever forget.

You hear Joshua’s laugh. Not often, but sometimes you can catch hold of the beautiful sound when you walk to work some mornings. It makes your heart swell.

Joshua still hears you. He hears your voice in Sol Invictus on those cool mornings when he walks past the rows of hyacinths. The breeze whistles through the petals and stems, and he hears you amidst the sound. It’s comforting now.

...

Fifteen years and you’re married now. Jeonghan loves you, and you love him. He helps run your shop and take care of the hyacinths in the home you share.

You live in a small house in the middle of the city, no longer teetering at the edge of the kingdom like you once did. You've got a garden in the back and pretty flowers and shrubbery that decorate the front, and sitting in the center of the yard is a little pond Jeonghan helped you dig up yourself.

Of course, it isn't as grand as the one in Sol Invictus but still, you think Joshua would love to know that Eridenus has a twin.

Joshua too has a Queen of his own; she’s kind and smart and all things fitting for a woman. She makes him smile and for Joshua, that is more than enough.

Of course he thinks of you. How could he not when your scent still lingers in the paths of Sol Invictus? Still, it’s different now. A good different.

...

Twenty years and all is well. When you look up at the sun, you both know the other is doing just the same.

...

i miss the way you almost held the tide but still, it's nice dreaming that you're somewhere feeling the same heat that i did no fear, no fall if invisible lines lead your way back to me still, i got nothing

(isohel / eden)

✘ taglist. @xenkimmie @lesdevoeux @cheolism @namjoonbaby @listxn @scuzmunkie @ressonancee @binwons @lskjki @h34rts4chira @kazuhateez @imlilstitious @yogurttea @lynnxworld @jeanjacketjesus @meowmeowminnie @soonhoonietrash @caratlove10 @synthetickitsune @ixayjun @leejihoonownsmyheart @dahliatopia @gyuswhore @hoeforcheol @5xiang @hajimelvr @miriamxsworld @blinkjunhui @lixiel0ver @josefines-things @mimisxs @kawennote09 @bbyjjunie @rubyreduji @todorokiskitten @98-0603 @hipsdofangirl @minnie-mouser22 @minhui896 @whippedforjihoon @nishloves @woozarts @ellesmoon @blurryriki @maknae00 @jjjzzzz @peachyaeger @shoulietaro @karina-sakuras @1004luvangel @dollyhaes @gyulune @yunritos (strikethrough could not be tagged)

#joshua x reader #seventeen joshua #joshua seventeen #joshua hong #joshua hong x reader #joshua hong angst #svt x reader #svt angst #📝 writing

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jeonride · 10 months

Text

joshua reading list / fic recs !

don't forget to like + reblog the fics that you like to support the authors <3

navigation

FICS ! ✧*

Hoax (smut, angst, mafia!shua, strangers to lovers) by @lovelyhan

Isohel (modern royalty au, prince!shua, smut, angst) by @toruro

Eyes Meeting, Hearts Apart (mild angst, prince!shua, smut) by @lovelyhan

Mr. Nice Guy (smut, neighbor!shua) by @toruro

Under The Rose (fluff, smut, frenemies childhood to lovers, kinda historical au) by @just-come-baek

Honeyduke Lovers (hogwarts au, unrequited love, hufflepuff!shua x slytherin!reader. yep this is the story of how slytherin becomes undyingly soft for hufflepuff) by @http-mianhae

Steamy (smut, next door neighbor!shua) by @duhnova

written by @onlyhuis :

Cranberry Concoctions (smut, a little angst & fluff, 1920s, prohibition au)

Leaning on The Everlasting Arms (angst, smut, some fluff, bible college au)

Fine Line (fluff, smut, angst, figure skater!shua) by @heartkyeom

Prove it, You Won't (fluff, angst, humor, tattoo artist au) by @leejungchans

Oceans and Engines (fluff, exes to lovers, a lil' angst) by @renjunphile

Lover Boy (regency era romance, commoner!shua x aristocrat fem!reader, historical drama) by @starlightxsvt

Gentleman (angst, fluff, sugar daddy au) by @starlightxsvt

Wildest Dreams (bestfriends to lovers, fluff, humor) by @viastro

The Type (smut, fluff, college boyfriend!shua) by @bitchlessdino

Your Gentleman (smut, camboy!shua) by @wonwussy

Fighting for Your Love (smut, threesome ft. jeonghan) by @rubyreduji

Half Past Five High The Series (ft. mingyu, smut, angst, minor fluff, rich people au, love triangle, cheating. supermodel!gyu, photographer!shua x influencer fem!reader) by @multi-kpop-fanfics

Paint Me Numbers (fluff, shallow angst, guitarist/bandmate!shua) by @chocosvt

Domino (fluff, crack, smut) by @universecorp

Nasty (smut, fluff) by @soonigiri

Menace (smut) by @jeonghantis

You're All That Matters (fluff, bf!shua) by @heartsfromia

Be My Date (fluff, minor angst) by @heartsfromia

Mine (smut) by @luxekook

Meant for Each Other (fluff, soulmate au) by @slytherinshua

Golden Hour (best friends to lovers, fluff, slice of life, summer vacation au) by @dkfile

An Interview with An Angel (meet cute, fluff, reporter!shua) by @hannyoontify

Our Fairytale (smut, fluff) by @zuhacore

DRABBLES / SCENARIOS ! ✧*

at every table, i'll save you a seat (fluff) by @suhnshinehaos

bad habits (exes with benefits, smut, mild angst) by @lovelyhan

pretty when you cry (smut) by @cheolhub

quiet time (smut) by @number1mingyustan

acouasm (smut) by @angelwoozi

when you can't sleep but shua is right next to you (fluff, comfort) by @wonwoonlight

one-up (smut) by @sluttywonwoo

golden boy's mercy (smut) by @bitchlessdino

17. 12 (smut) by @lovelyhan

14. 13 (smut) by @toruro

after a long day (smut) by @sevngmin148

title (fluff, established relationship, ceo) by @leejungchans

relax (fluff, smut, established relationship) by @playmetheclassics

shower (fluff) @husbandhannie

stay up (fluff) by @bitterie-sweetie

about you : valentine's special (fluff, angst, friends to lovers) by @shuawonie

fruit (smut) by @onlyseokmins

i love you, always (fluff, comfort) by @monnn

10.32 (fluff, bf!shua) by @elysianeclipxe

clingy (fluff) and smitten (fluff) by @slytherinshua

we won't change because we're engraved in each other's heart (fluff) by @wooahaes

3K notes · View notes

onlyhuis · 5 months

Text

love thy neighbor

member — fwb! neighbor!joshua x f reader genre — smut, light angst, college au, idiots to lovers, happy ending word count — 5.1k synopsis — there's perks to having your fwb live next door to you, but there's also downsides. like the fact that it's really hard to hide that you're in love with him. warnings — descriptions of female anatomy, one mention of periods, masturbation (both reader & joshua), the smut is REALLY quick, premature ejaculation sort of, a little bit of body worship, nicknames (baby, good girl), not really described but implied creampie, they are idiots and they are in love and it's gross and sweet notes — tysm to @wongyuseokie & @onlymingyus for help choosing the banner <3 and thanks to @petrichor-han for this idea !! fun fact this was originally going to be for skz han but i figured it would also make a great shua fic so i chose him instead. fun fact #2 i am addicted to giving shua's fics religious titles even when there's no mention of religion in the fic at all lmao. it gives me a giggle like how could i not when it fits so well?? also this is one of my few attempts at angst so if you liked this please reblog or send and ask and lmk how you liked it! hope you enjoy!!

joshua should be asleep right now.

really, he should. it’s 11pm on a sunday night and he’s got his chemistry lab at 8am tomorrow, and he’s still got a couple of assignments that he really needs to catch up on before the final next week.

but then there's that bump against the wall that he’s grown so accustomed to, and his eyes fly open.

maybe becoming fuck buddies with your next-door neighbor isn't the smartest idea he's ever had, because this is the fourth time this week he's had to hear your moans as he tries to fall asleep.

the walls are thin, but he's certain that you must not realize just how thin they are, because he can hear every sound you make as clear as day. every whimper, every buzz of your vibrator, even every moan of his name, barely muffled by the wall separating his room from yours. especially every moan of his name. and it’s been driving him insane.

really, it’s his own fault for trying to be a polite neighbor. he almost wishes that he hadn’t run into you when you’d moved into the apartment next door at the beginning of the semester, because then he probably wouldn’t have recognized you at that party during homecoming weekend and got to talking with you.

and because of that he probably wouldn’t have taken you home from said party and given you the best dicking down of your life (your words, not his), and then after that you probably wouldn’t have decided that you wanted to keep fucking him and agreed to become friends with benefits.

except he doesn’t actually wish that at all.

having your situationship live right next door is pretty convenient, after all. you’ll shoot him an “omw” text and be waiting at his front door seconds later. he forgot to bring condoms? it’ll just take a sec to run home and grab some. when you accidentally leave your panties in his apartment, he can drop them off the same day and then forget about it (he definitely won’t).

he could probably even just bang on his side of the wall and you’d know to come over, but to him that’s a little too far, too impolite. he at least has the decency to send a text first.

a part of him wonders if that’s why you’re so noisy at night, if you’re doing it on purpose and knowing he’ll hear it, secretly hoping for him to come knocking at your door. but he doesn’t want to assume, doesn’t want to show up without asking and realize he’s been completely wrong this whole time and make himself look like a fool.

so he settles for earplugs instead. because there’s no way he can sit there and listen to the sounds you make and not start thinking about all the times he’s been in your bed with you just inches away. and by the time he’s cum all over his fist and he’s finally worn himself out enough to fall asleep, it’s 4am and he has class in the morning and he’s wasted an entire night yet again.

he’s been inside your apartment dozens of times, enough to know the layout by heart. enough to know that your bedroom sits directly next to his, enough to know that your bed is pushed against that very thin wall the same way his is and that your nightstand with the drawer full of toys is right next to the bed.

oh, he’s gotten to know more than just your apartment over the course of the semester. he knows which positions are your favorite (you’ve never told him outright, but you always cum harder when he fucks you in missionary). he knows the names you like to be called and the ones you like to call him. he can even tell which vibrator you’re using right now (the red one doesn’t buzz as loud, so you only use it when your favorite purple one is dead. tonight you’re using the purple one.)

but he’s also gotten to know the way you smile when you see a cat video, the way your forehead wrinkles when you talk about your calculus professor, and the way you like your pancakes in the morning (though he’s never been able to make them for you himself, he swears one day he will. one slice of butter, a ton of syrup, and a handful of cut up strawberries.)

so maybe that’s what makes these nights so unbearable. he can keep lying to himself that it doesn’t bother him, that it wouldn’t bother him as much as it does if he just… didn’t like you.

but, unfortunately, he does like you. and he’s stuck with this problem until he finds a way to fix it, but just like in the lab analyses he has to write every week, he’s got no ideas. so he’ll have to settle for fucking his hand and biting his pillow so you don’t get suspicious of the noises he’s making, and hope that his silly little crush goes away on its own.

after all, he isn’t anything to you. albeit a sexual one, he’s still just a friend. and he’s certain that’s all you want.

god, you wish that joshua could see you right now. you’re certain he’d love it.

earlier tonight you’d had to physically force yourself to turn your phone off so that you wouldn’t be tempted to text him to come over. you’d already texted him on monday night and thursday afternoon, and you’d knocked on his door on saturday at practically the crack of dawn because you’d woken up thinking about him.

were you embarrassed about it? absolutely, but that wasn’t enough to stop you. okay, maybe sometimes it was, because the girl who lived across the hall had caught you (on multiple occasions) sneaking out of joshua’s apartment twice in one day and you refused to meet him again for nearly a week after that.

but joshua didn’t seem one bit embarrassed by your arrangement. he always gave you a friendly smile and offered to walk you to your door afterwards, which you always declined, and he always made sure to say he looked forward to seeing you again. you even saw him wave at the nosy neighbor girl when he’d left your apartment once (which you only remembered because you’d spent the rest of the night in tears about it, but not that you were jealous about it or anything).

you felt bad enough meeting up with him so often, but you felt even worse that you didn’t even have a label to show for it. you knew it was probably exactly what he’d wanted out of this, just somebody to call for a quick fuck, but it made you mad. it was why you got so angry about the girl across the hall; because you knew everybody loved joshua, so of course he couldn’t love only you.

he was hot and he was in a frat and he probably had a hundred girls he could call if he wanted to. with how often you text him to fuck, plus the other people he’s probably seeing? he’s gotta be exhausted.

which is why most nights you opt for touching yourself instead. in the months since you first met joshua, your vibrators have been going through batteries a lot faster than usual, a fact you’re not exactly proud of but will own up to nonetheless.

it’s not your fault that the image of him leaning over you, his thin gold chain dangling in your face as he fucks you is burned into your head practically 24 hours of the day. or the fact that his voice plays on repeat in your brain, specifically that one time he called you “baby” and you came so hard you nearly passed out.

so really, it’s actually his fault that he’s constantly on your mind. his fault for being sexy… or your fault for falling for him?

either way, you find yourself yet again with your pussy stuffed full of your own fingers and your favorite purple vibrator on your clit (you remembered to charge it last night, after you came to the thought of joshua fucking you on your kitchen counter), wishing he could be there to see it.

you close your eyes and picture him in front of you, holding the vibrator against your clit as he grins down at you. such a good girl, he’d say, brushing his thumb over your nipple with his free hand. you love this, don’t you?

“fuck, yes, joshua,” you reply, gasping as you push your fingers deeper inside. you arch off the bed a little, pushing your head back against your pillow. you’ve learned that he loves it when you call him by his full name instead of “shua” or “josh”; you don’t know why, but it always seems to drive him crazy, and you never fail to leave his apartment sore in all the best places afterwards.

you spread your legs a little wider and moan, rolling your cheek to the side as you imagine him fucking you with his fingers instead of your own. i can tell you’re getting close, imaginary joshua says with a smirk, his hand cupped against your pussy as he thrusts his fingers in and out at a bruising pace.

“mhm,” you whimper, curling your fingers and trying to convince yourself that it feels as good as when he does it. “please, joshua—”

you turn your vibrator up to the highest setting, your hips canting into the air as you squeeze your eyes tighter shut. you can feel the waves beginning to wash over you and you repeat his name like a plea, chanting it over and over until you can’t form words anymore.

cum for me, baby, all over my fingers, he says, and your mouth falls open as you let go, your knee accidentally smacking against the wall as your legs shake with pleasure. you keep your vibrator held firmly against your clit until it sends you over the edge again, still riding the high of your first orgasm as you struggle to breathe through it. joshua loves to overstimulate you, until all you can do is weakly push at his hands and beg him to leave your exhausted cunt alone.

the post-orgasm clarity soon starts to hit and you’re left with the realization that you just got off from pretending your neighbor is just as in love with you as you are with him. absolutely pathetic.

but your eyes are starting to droop and you’re quickly finding that you’re too tired to stay awake to think about how much of a loser you are, so you tuck your favorite vibrator back into its spot in your drawer and put your pajamas back on and tuck yourself into bed, trying not to wish joshua was there beside you instead of infinitely far away on the other side of the wall.

when joshua wakes up the next morning, he half expects you to be waiting outside his door again.

of course anyone would be annoyed at being woken up by their neighbor before 7am, but then you’d sheepishly told him that you’d had the most insane wet dream about him and he’d been more than happy to let you come in and bounce yourself on his lap while he watched the early morning sunlight stream through his bedroom window onto your cheeks.

pretty much the perfect morning, in his eyes, except for the fact that you hadn’t slept in his bed with him. you never sleep over and it’s obvious why, but maybe it’s for good reason: he won’t get so attached to you.

unfortunately, though, this morning you aren’t waiting for him, so he trudges to his kitchen to make himself one lonely cup of coffee and one lonely stack of frozen waffles and get ready for his day.

he’s started noticing patterns about when and why you text him, and he finds himself checking his phone all day.

on mondays, because you have all your classes on those days and you’re already exhausted so why not get fucked within an inch of your life before you settle in for the night?

on thursdays, usually in the afternoons because both your schedules happen to line up where he’s just finished his work shift and you’re on your break between classes so it leaves the perfect amount of time for him to eat you out.

if you have a particularly hectic morning you’ll text him right away and ask him if he’d come over once you get home that night, and he’ll reply that he can’t wait with a big red heart emoji.

in fact, most of the times you want to see him is when you’re stressed or upset, which makes sense to him but at the same time makes him a little disappointed. he hopes that you’d want to see him on your happiest days, because any day he gets to see you is automatically his happiest day. but he supposes that’s where you’ve drawn the line, and he’ll have to be okay with that.

joshua’s restless through his chem lab this morning, and then his english lecture, and then his shift at work, not-so patiently awaiting you to ask him about his plans tonight.

but you don’t text him at all on monday, and you don’t text him on tuesday, either. he catches you going into your apartment at the same time he’s leaving on wednesday, and he waves as usual but you just give him a small nod and hurriedly close your door behind you. he’s almost positive you’ll text him on thursday, but your lunch hour comes and goes without a word.

he almost never texts you first, because you text him so often and most of the time he’s already thinking about you anyway. so when sunday rolls around again and he still hasn’t heard anything from you, he thinks maybe you’re waiting for him to say something first this time.

he knows you’ve been home, because he’s heard your friends coming and going. maybe you’ve just been busy with other things and didn’t mean to ghost him. sure, you get together pretty often, but that doesn’t mean it’ll happen every single week. plans change and that’s fine, and it is right before finals week after all.

but even when you’re on your period and aren’t in the mood to see him, you usually send a text as a heads up, and he’s definitely not keeping track or anything but this week shouldn’t be one of them. he’s going through every possibility he can think of as to why you’ve seemingly disappeared, but he just can’t find a reason why.

but then he realizes something else; he’s stopped hearing you at night, too. and then he really starts to worry, because he remembers how upset you looked when he saw you in the hall and maybe something really awful happened to you and he’s been pouting in his room like a selfish idiot this whole time.

so he pulls up your contact, cursor blinking over the text box as he tries to figure out what to say.

hey, he decides on, and he’s surprised but happy when you read the message right away.

he waits a moment, but you don’t respond, so he texts again. you can talk to me, you know? about other stuff. i’m your friend.

he shakes his head and deletes that last sentence before pressing send. you read it immediately again, but it’s a long and agonizing few minutes before you reply.

okay

he frowns, not knowing what to say back. did i do something and make you mad? you seem upset and i’m sorry.

it’s nothing. don’t worry

joshua wants to say, but i do worry, but he knows that might be too far and he’s still not even sure what’s wrong.

so instead he stands up and walks out his front door, leaving his phone on his bed. he may be an idiot, but the least he can do is try to act like your friend.

you don’t answer when he knocks, so he calls your name. “i know you’re home, i can hear you through the wall.”

finally the lock clicks, and you open your door just a crack. “what do you mean, you can hear through the wall?”

he pauses. “i can hear you… walking around, and stuff. making noise. the walls are thin.” so you really didn’t know? oh god, now he feels like an asshole for listening, even if he was trying not to.

“oh. well.” you sigh and close your eyes, inhaling. “that’s embarrassing.”

“can we talk?” joshua asks, suddenly feeling exposed. he’s plenty comfortable in large groups of people, but when he’s around you he wants to hold you tight and keep you secret and safe, out of sight of any wandering eyes. standing out in the hallway where anyone could hear is not how he’d like this to go.

“sure,” you mumble, swinging your door open for him to come inside.

you close the door but don’t move from behind it, standing like you’re waiting for him to say something. so he does.

“listen. i know whatever this is, is messy,” he starts, gesturing between the two of you. “but you’re my friend, and i care about you and i want you to be happy.” he sighs. “so please tell me what’s wrong, because not texting you has been really weird, and if you want to end this then that’s fine and i’ll leave you alone, but don’t just ghost me. we’re still neighbors and i’m not a fan of awkward hallway conversations.”

you crack a smile for a second, but it quickly fades. “do you want to end this?”

“no, not really. but i don’t want you to feel like you have to keep doing this if you don’t like it.”

“i thought it was pretty obvious i did like it,” you say with an almost laugh.

he stares at you quietly. “then what’s going on?”

“i want to keep doing this, but i just… i don’t think i can,” you say, avoiding his eyes. “at least not like this.”

“what do you mean, ‘like this’?”

“joshua, because i like you. and i feel awful because i know we’re not on the same page and it feels like i’m taking advantage of you because you probably have a dozen other women telling you the exact same thing and it’s probably exhausting and it’s not what you want!”

his face contorts in shock at your words. “well, first, that’s not at all true. and second of all, stop trying to guess what i want without just talking to me. what is it that you want?”

“you! i don’t know. i don’t know what i want anymore,” you say, covering your face with your hands.

joshua’s not sure if he should hug you or not, but he really, really wants to. “is that all that’s been bothering you this week?” he asks softly.

“yeah,” you say, moving your hands but still avoiding his eyes. “it’s stupid. i know, and i’m sorry.”

he laughs, and you look up at him like he’s crazy. “you don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he says. “i’m sorry. because for months i’ve been wishing we could change this but i never said anything because this is what i thought you wanted.”

you keep staring at him, but he can’t read the emotion on your face. “so… what is this, then?”

“i’ll be whatever you want me to be for you. your fuck buddy, or your friend, or your boyfriend, whatever.”

“you really don’t see other people?” you ask, still unsure.

now it’s joshua’s turn to look at you like you’re crazy. “no, why would i want to? i don’t care if you do, but with how often you text me it sounds like you don’t, either.”

“i just figured— nevermind,” you sigh.

“can i give you a hug?” he asks after a minute. “we’ve been sleeping together the whole semester, and i don’t think i’ve ever given you a real, proper hug.”

you smile, and seeing that instantly makes his day. “yes, please.”

his arms feel secure around you, and his chest is warm against your cheek. with a sigh you close your eyes, breathing in the smell of his cologne that you’ve been trying to push out of your brain for weeks.

you stand there for a while, neither of you making any moves to pull away. it's been a really, really long week without joshua and you didn’t realize how badly you missed him until this moment.

“so about the walls thing—”

“hm?” he mumbles.

“—you can really hear everything?”

he laughs. “oh, yeah. your bedroom is right next to mine. been having trouble sleeping for so long because i kept hearing you moan my name and it got me hard every time.”

your cheeks burn in embarrassment. “joshua, i’m so sorry! if i had known—”

he shakes his head, cutting you off. “you can make it up to me by telling me everything you were thinking about.”

“probably nothing you don't already know,” you grin shyly.

“probably, but i wanna hear you say it anyway.”

you lean away from him a little bit, releasing your arms from around him to rest against his chest. “i should've known this is why you wanted to come over,” you say, pretending to be mad, but you can already feel the tingling feeling building up in your stomach at the thought.

“it's not,” he replies smoothly, “but i did miss waking up to you knocking on my door.”

you pout. “that was only that one time!”

“doesn't mean it has to be the last.”

heat creeps up into your cheeks and you glance away from him, gaze trained on his shoulder.

“you really wanna know what i was thinking about?” you ask, finally building up the courage to look back up at his face.

“of course i do.” his eyes are sparkling as he watches you, and you can't exactly identify the emotion but you know it makes your heart flutter.

“well,” you start, “it was different every time, but most of the time it started like this.” you trail your hands down his torso, pausing when they reach his hips. he stays silent, eyes fixed on your movements and a little smile on his face that you don't think he even realizes he's doing.

“and then…” you look down, a little surprised to notice the bulge in his pants already there. you place your hand over him gently and look up, waiting for him to say something, but he doesn't stop you.

you clear your throat and start again. “and then, you'd sit on the couch and let me gag on your cock for a while.”

you start to push on his hips, backing him into your living room. he’s enjoying this way more than he should be, but then again, you basically just confessed your love to him so it’s kind of the best day of his life.

the back of his thighs hits the arm rest of your couch, but before you can move him any further his hands pull you flush against his body, his bulge pressing into your stomach.

“how about we skip that part for another day?” he says, his voice low. “tell me what happens after.”

you try your best to hold back a moan, suddenly losing your ability to speak. you can practically feel his cock throbbing through his clothes and it makes it impossible to come up with a coherent sentence.

“don’t get shy on me now, baby,” he hums, hands still firmly gripping your hips, and if your brain hadn’t short-circuited already then it definitely has now. “been hearing you in your room for weeks, i know how loud you like to be.”

“that’s not fair,” you finally manage, still trying to collect your thoughts.

joshua leans forward to kiss your neck, gently at first but quickly growing harsher, and you’re sure he can feel your pulse jump every time his teeth graze your skin.

“fuck, just like that,” you whimper, “exactly like that, shua—”

after a minute he hums and glances up at you through his lashes, clearly waiting for you to keep talking.

“we’d make out for a while, and then you—you’d fuck me on the floor,” you gasp out. joshua moans against your skin, and it’s only then that you realize your hands have found their way to his hair, tugging on it to urge him on.

your fingers loosen and he pulls away, the corners of his lips wet with saliva. “on the floor? you deserve better than that, baby,” he tsks. “can i take you to bed instead?”

“please,” you whine softly, suddenly feeling unbearably eager to fuck him. all week you’ve been using every last ounce of your energy to avoid thinking about joshua, but now that he’s here in front of you and way too willing to play into your fantasies, all the emotions you’ve been holding in are spilling out, and you don’t feel like containing them anymore.

you grab his hand and it’s like you can’t make it to your room fast enough, falling onto your bed and pulling him down on top of you. by then you’ve both forgotten the conversation you were having before because you’re too busy desperately pressing your lips against his, barely remembering to breathe as he kisses you and kisses you and kisses you and what were you even talking about again?

your brain is clouded when he finally pulls away with a gasp, kissing your cheek and your neck once more. his hands slip beneath your shirt and tug it over your head, making his way between your breasts and down your stomach and leaving more kisses as he goes. your skin burns with each touch, gentle lips and not-so-gentle hands covering every inch of you until you feel like your whole body is on fire.

he sits up just long enough to pull his own shirt off and now it’s your turn to touch, your hands instantly finding his chest as you trace your fingertips down his abs.

“how do you want me?” joshua groans, his hands joining yours at his hips to help him push his pants to the ground.

“fuck… missionary? just like this?” you say as you kick your pants and panties off in a rush, wrapping your legs around his waist.

his cock brushes against your stomach and you sigh out a moan, your hands moving up to grab at his biceps. he doesn’t say another word as he runs his tip through your folds, his attention fixated on your pussy and how you’re already dripping for him. for a second he forgets where he is and what he’s doing, so engrossed with the sight of you and how fucking glad he is that he didn’t lose you because you’re both idiots that assume too much about what the other wants instead of communicating your feelings like normal adults.

you let out a little noise and his eyes flick back up to your face, his gaze immediately softening at the blissful expression on your face. to think, he could’ve been seeing you like this the whole time if he had the balls to admit how he felt sooner. but there’s plenty of time for him to pout about it later because right now you need him, and he needs you, too, so why waste time thinking about that when he can think about how good you look taking his cock?

he leans down because he can’t resist kissing your beautiful face one more time, and finally he pushes into you, letting out a loud whine at the same time you moan his name. the sound of your voices joined together goes straight to his dick as he pulls almost all the way out, thrusting back into you with renewed energy.

“baby— fuck,” he groans, his grip on your body tightening as his thrusts begin to grow faster and rougher. “so good to me.”

you clench hard around him at the nickname, clinging onto him as you squeeze your eyes shut.

and then without warning everything hits you all at once, and you go boneless in his arms as he whimpers and groans and gasps and holds you tight and he probably told you he loves you about a million times as he was cumming too but you can’t hear anything as you lay exhausted on the bed, staring up at the ceiling with your ears ringing.

even with his shaking hands you can still feel the gentleness in joshua’s touch as you start to come back down, the warmth of his breath on your cheek as his fingers lightly brush your hair out of your face, feeling him twitch inside you before he slowly pulls out.

with his own orgasm following just barely after yours that was probably some kind of record for the fastest round ever, but you don’t even have the strength to care. so what if he usually fucks you for hours on end? all you care about is the fact that he’s tracing your collarbones with a fucked-out little smile on his face and it’s probably the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your entire life.

with a soft grunt he stands up, and you call out his name with all the energy you have left.

“joshua?”

“mhm?”

“can you stay?” you ask, and somehow you both know you’re talking about more than just for the next few minutes.

he smiles. “wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else.” and when he comes back with a towel and a wet wipe and apologizes for how fast it all was and promises to give you more whenever you want because he’s officially yours now, you know he’s telling the truth.

even when he’s doing nothing at all, joshua never fails to make your head spin.

laying in the dark with you, his fingers absentmindedly twirling your hair as you snuggle into his chest, you can’t even begin to find the words to explain how good it feels knowing he loves you and you love him back.

but it doesn’t seem like he needs words right now. all he needs is you.

i hope you enjoyed this!! if you did, consider reblogging or leaving a comment or an ask :) it shows me this is something people want to see more of, and knowing people like this makes me want to write more of it! thanks for reading!!

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