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luna-nigthshade-wood · 2 years

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All the king´s horses and all the king´s men, couldn’t put (him) back together again

It has been a month since Chuck was defeated and things should be better now, free will has finally been restored, there is a new sheriff in town and everything has gone back right at how it was, which is why Sam cant explain how everything went so wrong with Dean, well, that is not entirely true, he can pinpoint exactly what is the thing that Dean is missing, or rather who his brother is missing. There is an angel shape hole where Dean´s heart used to be and this time there is no do over, at least not one in sight, and if Sam had to guess, that last thought is the thing that finally broke his brother.

Dean has become a broken shell of the person that he used to be, it has been at least a month now since the last time, Sam saw his brother smile, there is no loud rock music playing in the Bunker or the car, not that Dean has even driven Baby so far

There is no fresh cooked food in the kitchen, Dean hasn’t step a foot there since Cas died, he is barely eating as it is, Sam has taken to basically force feed his brother, with various amounts of success. It would be almost better if Dean was drinking his sorrow away, but he barely touches the beers he opens.

Dean barely does anything by himself anymore. Once, in the beginning, before everything turned to worse and Sam still had hope, he decided to take a weekend to tackle a small hunt with Eileen, he tried to get Dean to join, but the oldest hunter wouldn’t budge from his bed. Sam didn’t worry about it, until he came back to find Dean in the exact same position he had left him, after that Sam decided to not let Dean alone for great intervals of time and check on him periodically.

At least that was the plan, until one night after Dean´s screams had woken him up, Sam decided to check on him to find him pointing a gun to his temple, after that, well, Sam hasn’t let his brother out of his sight. He moved a mattress into Dean´s room, if anything it at least seemed to make Dean calmer, or at least he appears to be so, not that Sam has heard his brother´s voice in the six months since Cas has been gone.

Sam hasn’t left the Bunker in at least 4 months, he has become his brother´s main caregiver, not for the lack of trying of their family and friends. Jody, Donna, Garth, Eileen, Cesar, Jesse and even Claire had offered Sam a chance to get out of the Bunker to clear his head or maybe do a small hunt while they watch Dean, but Sam has shoot them down, he finds it ironic how the roles had been reversed, but after everything Dean did for him, he owns him at least to take care of him. His friends and family had come and gone since then, all of them trying to help the brothers as much as they can. Eileen has practically move inside the Bunker, making it her home base between hunts, for which Sam is grateful. Jody and Donna have taken to keep Sam company and helped him around the bunker. Cesar and Jesse helped Sam to set up a hunter´s helping line and as the time progressed they started helping Sam to move Dean as a way for Dean to avoid bed sores. Garth has taken to come every once in a while, talking Dean´s ears out, not that Dean acknowledges him, but still Sam is thankful, he is thankful for the help he is receiving, he just wishes Dean was able to see it.

Eight months since that fateful day, Sam wakes up in a fright. Ever since, well, everything, Sam has followed a religious routine, waking up at 6 am, showering, waking Dean up, showering Dean, dressing him up, making breakfast, forcing Dean to eat breakfast, sitting Dean in the library, reading/ helping hunters out, making lunch, trying to make Dean eat lunch, exercising with Dean, checking up with their friends, making dinner, showering Dean, dressing him up for bed, settling him in bed, waiting for Dean to fall asleep, showering and then finally going to bed at around 12, to be waken up at some time during the night if Dean has nightmares and even when he doesn’t, finding himself struggling to sleep, scared that Dean would try something in the middle of the night. So it is no rare for Sam to overslept every now and then. The frightening part this morning, however, is that when he wakes up, Dean is no longer in bed, and he can hear noises coming from the kitchen. Sam´s heart does a skip, before he rushes over.

When he gets to the kitchen, Sam´s heart skips another beat, this time in surprise at what he finds there, because Dean is in front of the stove cooking breakfast while humming a melody. Sam approaches his brother as he would a wounded animal, before saying:

-Hey- Sam says freaked out

-Hiya, Sammy, it was about time you woke up- Dean says smiling, while flipping a pancake- C´mon, grab a plate, bro.

-Yeah- Sam responds- Hmm, you seem awfully cheerful today- Sam continues spooked

-How can I not be now that my angel is back?- Dean says smiling

-Cas?- Sam asks still dumbfounded

-Yeah, a noise woke me up and there he was standing- Dean responds with a soft smile- And, then, we… well, I kissed him and we talked and we decided not to waste another moment, so we are together, now- Dean says blushing

-That is great, Dean- Sam says with a smile, finally finding his footing, at least, until the next sentence his brother says

-Drop that- Dean says playfully

-What…-Sam asks confused

-Angel of the Lord, my ass, Cas, you need pancakes- Dean says- Yeah, I know… Alright, but you should still eat one… taste the molecules- Dean continues talking

And Sam´s heart does a skip, this time for a different reason, he was happy for Dean, he really was, at least until he realized, that Dean was talking to thin air.

-Dean, who… who are you talking to?- Sam asks carefully

-With Cas, obviously

-Dean, there is no one there

-Of course there is, Cas is here- Dean says this time defensively- What are you talking about?

-Dean…

-No, no, no, no- Dean says clutching his head and dropping the pan- Cas is here, maybe… maybe you just cant see him

-Yeah…-Sam says slowly

-It is our profound bond- Dean says reassuringly- That is why I can see him and you don’t, but…- Dean says before yelling- Jack, Jack, c´mon, put your ears on, we need you in here…

Not long after that, flapping wings can be heard before Jack manifest in front of the Winchesters.

-Sam, Dean- Jack says with a small smile that doesn’t quite reach their eyes. It is not the first time the Winchesters has seen them, and every time Jack´s eyes seem more tired and empty, Sam knows that it is because Jack has been working none stop rebuilding Heaven, but also trying to rescue Cas, which is why is an even greater punch to the gut when Dean says

-Jack, kid, c´mon, where were you? Your father was asking for you. And also how rude of you not to say hello to him

-Dean, I don’t…- Jack says confused- Cas is not…

-Not you too, Cas is right here- Dean yells- What is wrong with you people?- the yelling spooks Jack and Sam goes to stand in front of Jack

-Alright, Dean, we are going to… we are going to let you talk to Cas and we… we will be right outside- Sam says before rushing Jack out of the room

-Sam, what… what was Dean talking about? Is he… hmm, drunk or something- Jack says confused and scared

-I don’t know, Jack, I woke up and he said that Cas was there and for a minute I thought he was but then he started talking to the air and… I don’t know- Sam says almost crying

-Sam- Jack says and Sam knows the kid is about to confirm his fears- Cas is still in the Empty… Perhaps Dean was cursed- Jack ponders

-Yeah, maybe- Sam responds trying to not lose hope- Let me make some calls

By the time Rowena finally arrives, she finds the Bunker in a somber mood, except for Dean, who, after Jack and Sam exited the kitchen, resume to make his pancakes as he continued to speak to “Cas”. Sam explained the situation to her, so she was prepared to make a counter course, but the moment she entered the kitchen, she confirmed what they already knew.

-Oh, darling- she says and Sam can recognize something akin to pity in his tone- there is nothing for me to do here

-Please, Ro…-Sam pleads

-There is no curse and the only ones here are you, Jack, Dean and me

-And Cas- Dean says- Cas is here too

-Sweetie, there is no one else here

-No, you are lying, Cas is here, stop, why don’t you see it? Get out, get out- Dean says, dropping to the floor as he rocks himself- he is here, and he loves me, and I love him and we are dating and…-Dean continues to mumble and Sam is not sure how his heart can still break

Not much changes after and still everything is different. Sam thought that Dean being catatonic was bad, but it is nothing compared with the hell this has become. In a way is easier, because Dean has regain something akin to independence, there is no longer a need to help him shower or dress or move, Dean is now able to do all that by himself, Dean has also started to eat, not much and certainly not as many times as Sam would like, but still…Sam and everyone else are now also able to maintain a conversation with Dean, as long as they don’t mention the elephant in the room and pretend there is an extra person in the room, it doesn’t always end well, but it is better that what it used to be, in a way.

In other ways, though, it is harder. Sam finally caved in and accepted the help of their family. It has become a challenge some days to keep Dean inside the Bunker, as the older hunter starts to try and leave. And alright, Sam would have probably not had such a problem with it, if the times Sam has taken Dean out hadn’t ended in tragedy

The thing is that while Dean could now do his everyday activities, he also tends to talk to thin air, at first, Sam simply put an earphone in Dean´s ear as they left, which work alright until the earphone fell out and Dean kept talking. If it was just because the looks, Sam wouldn’t have had a problem. The issue was when a noisy woman started to tell Dean there was no one there, until it sent Dean into a complete panic attack repeating the world Cas, over and over again, and finally sending him into a catatonic state for at least a week. After that, it became the norm, that every time someone tried to convince Dean that Cas wasn’t real, he would go into a catatonic state for an undescribed period of time.

Which is why, the first thing Sam feels when Claire calls is dread. Apparently, after almost a year of looking for ways to save Cas from the Empty, Claire and the girls finally did it. It should be something happy, but the somber mood remains, as Sam wonders what is going to happen when his brother finally sees the real angel.

Castiel seats in the car next to Claire, still bewildered about what happened, he almost cant believe it. When the Empty took him, he never once thought he would go back. As he looks outside the window, he feels like everything is different and still everything is the same. Claire explained him that almost 18 months have passed since his death, she told him that the Winchesters have defeated Chuck and that Jack was now in charge of the universe. The last part feels like a punch in Castiel´s gut, he never wanted this for Jack and he hopes to be able to help his son now that he is back.

He also wishes he could help Claire, who seems troubled. She had fallen quiet after Cas asked about the Winchesters, her grip on the wheel tightening for a few minutes before she told him they were on the Bunker. Cas resigns himself to figure it out when they get there.

Sooner rather than later, Claire pulls over in front of the Bunker but she doesn’t get out of the car, she turns towards him as if to say something before just giving him a hug, leaving Cas spooked out.

Cas climbs out of the car and heads towards the bunker, preparing himself for the impact and still nothing could prepare him for what he is about to find.

Entering the bunker is surreal and still familiar. Cas can hear Dean´s humming before he sees the man himself cooking pancakes on the kitchen. Cas takes in Dean´s beautiful form before he turns. Dean´s eyes light up at seeing Cas standing there, even if Cas realizes there is something wrong behind that look

-Hello, Dean- Cas says, voice full of emotion

-Caaaas. You are back- Dean says happily- C´mon sit down, I am making pancakes

-Thanks, Dean. I don’t really need substance, though.

-Shaddup, taste the molecules, c´mon eat- Dean says while piling up another pancake- How are you, angel?

-I am…- Cas responds- I am happy to be back.

-You will have to tell me all about it- Dean responds, still piling more cakes

-About…?- Cas asks confused, feeling of wrongness filling him

-The farmer´s market, silly- Dean says shaking his head- Did you get the honey you wanted?- Dean asks, leaving Cas completely frozen in his spot as Dean continues talking not caring that Cas hasn’t responded- Yeah, I know there are different types of honey… do tell… I didn’t know that… I will build you your own apiary… love you, babe…

A strangled noise makes Cas turn around, only to find Sam with tears in his eyes watching the scene unfold. Cas follows Sam out of the room. Outside of the kitchen Sam explains everything, while Dean keeps cooking and talking to the Cas in his head, not even noticing Cas´ anguish cries.

As years go by, everything changes and still everything remains the same. After a while, Dean starts to have good days when he can recognize the real Cas as who he is and he is able to make and maintain conversations, there are days when as he tells him he loves him, Cas knows he is talking to him and those days are happy. Still, the good days are usually followed by a large number of bad days where Dean talks to thin air, cooking happily in his kitchen, barely acknowledging anyone else. And there are the terrible days, where something or someone abruptly burst Dean´s illusions, leaving him catatonic once again.

Through it all, Cas and Sam (and their family and friends) never abandon him as they endure the bad days and enjoy the good ones.

Ao3