endless au edits: the battle of the bands au nobody asked for pt 7

battle of the bands 2024: an honest op-ed by jeremy elder the six entries to battle of the bands 2024 have finally been announced. not only will we be seeing sad men in their 30s's favorite new band the chosen, known for their appearance on the netflix reality show 'up & coming,' but also four other groups who desperately wish they were as famous. this includes: ftc, renowned alternative-indie sad-girl trio; kolivition, known for making the music your mom turns off every time she walks into the room; coventry, the punk girl group equivalent of that pinterest quote 'we are the granddaughters of the witches you could not burn'; and let's do this, who... no, that's it. who? anyway, it's not like any of that really matters, because i've yet to mention the smosh reunion, aka the wet dream of every millenial who asks for a veteran's discount after surviving warped tour. a clear favorite to win, smosh is coming in with an army of fans and a near-decade of experience on these guys. good luck to what little competition they have. in addition, i am thrilled to report that we now know the final lineup of judges. diehard battle of the bands fans - all two of you - will be thrilled to know that rhett mclaughlin and link neal of mythical will be back to judge yet another thrilling year of mediocrity. after winning ten years ago, those guys just won't let go of their glory days. (or maybe it's the other way around. blink twice if you need help, guys.) on the bright side, though, they've also introduced surprise judge jackie uweh. known for being one of the greatest performers of our generation, it will be uweh's first time judging a musical competition. i don't know what she's doing here and i highly suggest that she runs. and runs fast. the three will be the wonderful, charming, and dutifully impartial judges to this year's competition, and definitely will not be just handing it to smosh as a reward for their long-awaited reunion. (because ian hecox definitely wasn't signed onto the mythical label as a solo artist. it's not unfair at all.) finally, the emcee and host of the event will be newcomer to the rap scene, trevor. if that name doesn't ring any bells for you - don't worry, it doesn't for the rest of us, either. the 24-year-old rapper was apparently responsible for mixing the beats on mythical's latest and edgiest album, which, due to the power of nepotism, made him a natural choice for this year's emcee. known for his "meme rap" (i am being so serious right now), trevor auditioned for the battle of the bands but, fortunately, did not qualify. thus, he will not be competing nor, allegedly, performing. though i have my doubts. i reserve the right to run screaming for the hills the moment they hand him a mic. the soundcloud musician (that's right - don't bother looking him up on spotify, you won't get anywhere) will be hosting the battle of the bands and the series of live shows leading up to it. what does all this mean? well, it looks like this year is no different from the last, and predictable set-ups have means to predictable ends. nevertheless, i, your faithful and humble local reporter, will be making the trip to la with an all-access backstage pass in hand and reporting on the entire thing from start to finish. no rehearsal, live show, or, most importantly, complete disaster of a finale will escape my sight. rest assured that you have at least one decent and reliable eye witness to the whole fiasco. tomorrow marks my trip down to la - i'll be reporting live from the road. until then, i bid you adieu. may the best smosh - i mean, band - win.