I know you posted it days ago but you said something about wanting to rant about either karl or his fanbase and its been itching at my brain. Ive no clue whats happening or what is happening at all cause no one seems to be making clear points?? Or explaining anything?

Obviously you do NOT have to talk about it im sure it might be a sore point to rant because people can get SO needlessly rude to others over it. But if you want to idk explain? Just rant? Im definetly curious what it was over or about.

The "you dont need to talk about this" is amplified by the fact i am DAYS late and you are probably over it by now.

okay hi yes im happy to talk about this but i think i should preface with two things:

1) even tho it may seem like im biased towards him or being very defensive of him im actually a super casual karl viewer and the only reason i am super defensive of him sometimes is bc we act a lot alike irl and that is mainly because of our neurodivegency. when i say a lot i mean we share traits like "annoying" stimming (jumping around, making loud noises, repeating the same phrases until everyone is sick of hearing them), the difficulty reading situations, the very obvious issues with volume control and not just bouncing from subject to subject to subject as we fucking please. basically anything you've seen karl do on stream that is Very Neurodivergent ive done the same in my own way which is why i get defensive when i see people calling him annoying or saying they dont like him, usually for these types of reasons. that being said, when i say im a very casual karl viewer, i fucking mean it. i usually only watch him when he's streaming with other ccs i like or when he's doing chill alt streams bc even with the annoying donos, he's pretty relaxing and comforting when he's just fucking around by himself and he isnt trying to get as hype as he would on a main channel stream. so yeah, it may seem like im biased and sure, i guess i am on some level, but it's not coming from a place of me hyperfixating on him or me even loving him as a cc, it's coming from me being a neurodivergent who likes him just enough to get upset when i see people basically being casually ableist towards him.

2) i dont have all the facts or even a great understanding on what the fuck has been happening recently with his "drama"...mostly bc he talked about it on his priv, which im not on, and people are gatekeeping the tweets, as they always do, and basically making you "dm to see them" (which is already a problem in and of itself bc apparently in these tweets he said he didnt want them being ss and shared, yet they are being shared thru dms over and over and over again like. at that point just stop withholding the information and post the fucking shit, you clearly dont care that he said "dont share"). additionally, most of the threads ive seen on this situation havent actually explained the initial issue, just talked about his apology (a lot of people have said "it's bad" but havent said why and with no screenshots ((i havent asked for someone to dm me them and i still havent seen them posted, which is mildly surprising, but incredibly frustrating at this point)), i only have a few basic details i can actually assess it on) or they talked about the initial issue in very vague details so um. excuse me trying to explain this now, but ill try and make it make sense with how little ive actually pieced together.

(oh, also, here's my first rant about the ableism in this fandom which is way more broad. this is a pretty different rant from that one, but they're both pretty big reasons why i hate this fandoms treatment of karl)

so basically the problems started with mr beast being apart of a charity stream that donated either to autism speaks or to a similar company, im unsure on that part. im also unsure on if the people participating in the stream actually knew of this or not bc, from what i remember, the money was being donated to a separate organization that was like. under the bad company or some shit like that, idk how stuff like that works and also i read about this shit months ago bc this originally happened months ago and just sorta came to a head recently.

anyways, i think karl was supposed to be apart of this stream but pulled out of it right before (that or these were two separate streams and karl was supposed to participate in the first but pulled out while mr beast did both?? idk. regardless karl did not actually participate, just mr beast). from there people started doing the guilt from association bullshit they always do, this was also doubled by the fact that the chris being racist stuff came out sometime around then and basically he got dragged all over twitter for "being ableist" and "supporting racists" and i cant remember if he actually apologized when this originally happened or not. i vaguely remember him apologizing about something back then but i genuinely dont know if it was this or something else.

basically that died down eventually, a good chunk of people unstanned him but him and honktwt didnt end up getting the lovely lil technotwt treatment and they still havent yet, surprisingly. good for them honestly ajsksk

but now we get to the past few weeks and apparently something happened with him "laughing at someone saying the r slur" (it was mizkif, i believe), specifically when it was directed at other people, which is a big yikes, obviously, but when karl was called out for this a lot of people kind of. made this into a situation that it wasnt bc um. basically karl didnt laugh at it, he gave a few nervous giggles, as people often do when in a situation like that (and karl specifically said he does this in the one part of his apology tweet which i did stumble upon, although it wasnt the important part of the apology thread bc why would it be) and people fucking crucified him for it. they quite literally dragged a neurodivergent man for supposedly "laughing at the r slur" when he can literally reclaim it and also he was just nervous laughing.

and this is where the situation just gets really bad because they. basically forced him to admit that he was autistic on his priv to apologize for this. i havent seen the screenshots of him saying this, but i saw people discussing it and i am frankly so fucking pissed about this because sure, it was a bad situation, and i understand people wanting an explanation, but an apology? for a neurodivergent man nervous laughing at a slur he can reclaim? and then forcing the man to admit something he literally said in that tweet he didnt want people to know which is why people were being so gatekeepy about it while also LOUDLY discussing the situation, as if that wouldnt drive MORE PEOPLE to look for screenshots and ways to get ahold of this information? and then people had the audacity to call it a "bad apology" when they had quite literally just violated his privacy by forcing him to admit something that he shouldnt have needed to share in the first place if he didnt want to, which he didnt.

and this is why im so pissed off. karl is already constantly picked at and made fun of and called annoying for his neurodivergent traits, things which he literally cant help, things which are generally harmless, and now he was forced into a situation where he can now be further picked at and made fun of and called annoying bc they forced him to admit something private instead of just understanding and accepting that he had been nervous laughing at someone using a slur he has definetly been called for his neurodivergency.

tldr of my thoughts: yes i think karl needed to address this situation, it definetly looked bad, but twitter stans have this sense of entitlement with their ccs and because of that, they consistently take it way too far and harm the people they claim to care about so dearly. we've seen it happen time and time again with dream, but this is the first time ive seen them basically force someone to out themselves to make their apology "valid" and most of them still seem to not want to accept it anyways, which just makes me feel bad for him bc now that info is out their and people are just disregarding it to continue "holding him accountable".

anyways, i think that's all i can really say on this topic rn tbh, if anyone else knows this situation better please feel free to lmk clarifications and ill add them in since, like i said, i know fuck all thanks to twitter being so goddamn hush hush about the important details while simultaneously being the loudest mfers about how much they hate karl now instead of just fucking unfollowing and moving on.

thanks for the ask and im sorry if this is confusing!! i just think this is one of those weird situations where like. i think karl deserved some criticism for what happened and how he handled it or at least he shouldve been asked to address it but that just. isnt what happened, at all. he was harrassed. karl got harrassed and because of that he handled this situation even more sloppily than he probably wouldve and exposed private info about himself that he didnt feel comfortable doing and it just. fucking sucks tbh.

150 for the hella cute questions?

Who was the last person you held hands with?2. Are you outgoing or shy?

shy man i hate people3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

JOJO SIWA4. Are you easy to get along with?

depends. im noice but i choose not to hang with people? if that makes sense5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

no one lmao6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

anyone thats not me but also democrat 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

nah8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

ryan my friend9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Y E P10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probably my sister11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

me too lmao 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

idk i dont listen to new songs?????? AAAAAAH 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yes unless but not if its in my face14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

LMAO LUCK IS REAL HOW DO YOU THINK DUMB PEOPLE GET FAMOUS?15. What good thing happened this summer?

i dont remember 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

lmao no fuck them17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

UH YEAH...OBVIOUS18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

idek who it was19. Do you like bubble baths?

yes but they are bad for you vag so i dont do it20. Do you like your neighbors?

ew no. 21. What are you bad habits?

i have OCD so i guess my compulsions22. Where would you like to travel?

israel, UK, Poland, Canada, Austrailia23. Do you have trust issues?

YUP24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

coffee25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

stomach then boobs then arms and then pretty much everything else26. What do you do when you wake up?

eat breakfast while watching youtube

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

im ok with it now?28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my parents/siblings29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

yeah lmao30. Do you ever want to get married?

that’s gonna be a no from me dog31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

ya32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

team free will, chris’ (evans, pratt, pine)33. Spell your name with your chin.

no.34. Do you play sports? What sports?

i used to play volleyball 35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

music. WATCH MUSIC ON THE TV.36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

all the damn time.37. What do you say during awkward silences?

nothing.38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKO....

black curly hair, pun and meme connoisseur, loves dogs, loves horror movies

my aesthetic boy type is: people who look like kurtis conner basically39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

American Eagle, Bath and Body Works, Victoria Secret. But i go into forever 21 to just hate on everything then leave without buying stuff.40. What do you want to do after high school?

im in college now and im majoring in anthropology41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends on the severity of the sin/crime42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im seriously traumatized and have shut down.43. Do you smile at strangers?

yeah i feel bad if i dont 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

outerspace45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

the fact it costs money to live so i have to get up if i want money46. What are you paranoid about?

nothing much anymore I have meds for paranoia now47. Have you ever been high?

no i got asthma48. Have you ever been drunk?

yeah its fun49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

no im an average person i dont do weird things50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

green!51. Ever wished you were someone else?

YEAH WTF DOESNT EVERYONE?52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

how i look53. Favourite makeup brand?

tarte or benfit54. Favourite store?

starbucks55. Favourite blog?

animatedtext56. Favourite colour?

GREEEEEEN I ONLY WEAR GREEN AND BLACK57. Favourite food? 

sushi 58. Last thing you ate?

ice cream59. First thing you ate this morning?

i think cereal60. Ever won a competition? For what?

volleyball and county art contest61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

i got expelled for not wearing sleeves when i had self harm scars62. Been arrested? For what?

no63. Ever been in love? 

ya :/64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

too long but it wasnt awkward and it was on the harbor with an emo guy65. Are you hungry right now?

nah im constipated66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

i dont have tumblr friends :////////////67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter 68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now?

no youtube70. Names of your bestfriends? 

Abbey Mell Nikki71. Craving something? What?

to shit tbh72. What colour are your towels?

white and purple and blue72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

373. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? 

embarassing but ya74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

idk i have several stored so im guessing 40-45?75. Favourite animal?

piggies raccoons dogs 76. What colour is your underwear?

white and black77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

cinnamon, blueberry, bubblegum, chocolate covered strawberries, oreo79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

green80. What colour pants?

black81. Favourite tv show?

S U P E R N A T U R A L

82. Favourite movie?

lots final destination and heathers83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

karen smith86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

dont like finding nemo so idk87. First person you talked to today?

my parents88. Last person you talked to today?

my parents SORRY IM LAME89. Name a person you hate?

trump, rosie, loren, danielle, jacob, pence, so many more90. Name a person you love?

my dog remington91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

always92. In a fight with someone?

no93. How many sweatpants do you have?

394. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

10????95. Last movie you watched?

greta- not very good96. Favourite actress?

winon ryder97. Favourite actor?

all the chris’ and all of supernatural actors change my fucking mind.98. Do you tan a lot?

never99. Have any pets?

1 dog100. How are you feeling?

sad :/101. Do you type fast?

yep102. Do you regret anything from your past?

MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE103. Can you spell well?

???? like grammar or spell the word well104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

always105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

no ive never been invited anywhere i was bullied a lot106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah felt really bad, i rejected someone’s homecoming invite107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah as a baby108. What should you be doing?

homework109. Is something irritating you right now?

everything110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

have you seen my account?111. Do you have trust issues?

yup112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my parents113. What was your childhood nickname?

mosh, moshi, mashalala114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yep to oregon washington hawaii and colorado and poland and germany115. Do you play the Wii?

used to116. Are you listening to music right now?

no117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

ye118. Do you like Chinese food?

YE119. Favourite book?

probably beastly i read that so many times and how to ruin your boyfriends reputations120. Are you afraid of the dark?

nah121. Are you mean?

idk122. Is cheating ever okay?

I’d say no123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

NOPE124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

haha no.125. Do you believe in true love?

doubt it but it’s possible126. Are you currently bored?

no127. What makes you happy?

S U P E R N A T U R A L

128. Would you change your name?

probably 129. What your zodiac sign?

gemini130. Do you like subway?

it’s aight131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

i wouldnt date a friend132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

sister133. Favourite lyrics right now?

hey hey mama just the way you move gonna make you sweat gon make you move134. Can you count to one million?

i refuse135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

i cant my blood hurts136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed137. How tall are you?

5′7″-5′8″138. Curly or Straight hair?

wavy139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette orange140. Summer or Winter?

summer141. Night or Day?

night142. Favourite month?

october143. Are you a vegetarian?

no144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark145. Tea or Coffee?

both!146. Was today a good day?

it’s aigh147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers148. What’s your favourite quote?

“they may forget what you did or what you said but never how you made them feel”149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yup150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? 

im too lazy(via itsgracesdrunkmametown)

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

OK first episode reactions

OHHH that was THE KIKIMORE............... im glad we get to see the fight because i mean. i would want some money for doing that crazy shit too. also you noticed how he killed the deer because he was probably starving. 

the moment of hesitation before he enters the tavern......... OK... [jaskier or yennefer voice] dont you just wanna stroke his gross dirty white hair

wait the uhhhh... “tavern scene” occurs in the witcher right, so i dont have to be scared bc this is the lesser evil, right, right, maybe not, idk what theyre switching around

the fucking cease of noise as geralt walks in.... the MOOD

cavill is like way too fine to be playing geralt rn i mean this shot where he says point me to the aldermans house is really showing off his profile. i feel sympathetic for this pretty pretty man

oh im regretting not rereading the lesser evil right now. i cant remember WHAT the fuck happens in that story. he goes to stregobor first though right??? right? he meets with the alderman and the dude’s like nah you cant get shit for that kikimore head, but maybe this wizard will give ya smth

my lesbianisms thinking renfri is pretty VS my morality knowing what shes like VS my witcher fan knowing what the hell happens in this story.... fight

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE RENFRI SO PRETTY!!!!!!! shes SO pretty and cute..... yall are making me like her fuck you fuck you SO hard.

the voice acting is sending me kind of... this is actually a good geralt voice imo if you dont mind me saying that. i still prefer polish tw3 dub but this is actually better than fuckin delvin mallory in the audiobooks. no disrespect, peter kenny, you did dandelion and yennefer and the hansa well, but geralt..... hm....

okay jk actually i need more geralt lines in order to develop my thoughts on his voice. ill wait until edge of the world where he SHOULD be more talkative

are we really going to stregobor’s fucking tower where a naked woman illusion waits on him and he offers to give geralt a go at this basically fuck doll illusion

“where are you from, geralt?” “rivia.” SURE.... YOU LIAR...... liar .... just WAIT until baptism of fire oooohhh just you wait

also this girl marilka is so sweet, also makes me think because milva said she was called that by some. but thats why she changed her name to milva

“because girls cant be witchers right” OK you reminded me 50% of ciri but now youre literally just proto-ciri

oh.... no foolery with the magic door knocker?

YEP I WAS RIGHT WE GOT NAKED LADIES!

wow this exactly what i pictured the inside of stregobor’s tower to be like lmaooo

WHY DOESNT GERALT KNOW STREGOBOR???????

oh its so weird to see ciri like. like old at cintra you know what im saying . like im like wait wait how is she alive if geralt hasnt been there as ravix yet. not BAD just weird for me

“speak normally” this reminds me of in bounds of reason dandelions like should i give the account in verse or in prose and then he starts speaking with the most flowery prose and geralts like PROSE prose please

“if you had been alive during falkas rebellion” please dont mention falka already we’re moving too fast soon enough leo fucking bonhart will be at our heels!

“and she possesses the power to destroy us all” “i dont believe anyone has that power.” WAIT UNTIL YOU MEET YOUR DAUGHTER DUDE LOL

wow he’s really full body dressed in black leather. huh . and people say hes heterosexual fml

okay i thought them calling the girls “girl” was kinda tender in the series but now its even more tender when heard aloud.

eist is like really present here and i like him enough its just that calanthe was like way more important than him in the series though right

“it needs to rhyme” and “pretty ballads hide bastard truths” so are we really just stealing every clever word that jaskier can say before he even comes into it

LOL CIRI LESBIAN LIKE WE DIDNT EVEN HAVE TO GET TO ANY OF THE OTHER BOOKS..... she said BEGONE HET!

OH I LOVE HOW THEY CONTEXTUALIZE IT SO WE KNOW THIS SHIT IS TAKING PLACE IN THE PAST..... WOW GERALT IS OLD AS HELL LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO  calanthe was like 14 then right so LOLLLL GERALTS OLD AND TIRED lol

me: is a regis fan / also me: GERALT IS A SHITTY OLD BITCH LMAOO

uh oh spaghettios! its nilfgaard and one of their fun funky officers, son of ceallach! i havent seen him yet but im terrified anyways!

okay see this is how you do a  PROPER adaptation. calanthe in the books committed suicide so she wouldnt be r*ped right as she sat in a stupid castle but this calanthe is on the fucking battlefield. this is why we stan middle aged women

eist: [dies] me: AAAAAA cahir: [is there Waiting] (i think its him maybe) me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ah fuck ah fuck fuck

ciri: why [is nilfgaard attacking] ? calanthe knowing DAMN WELL stupid fucking duny is her dad: uhHHhhHhH idk lol

“you will rule this land someday” nope again! [thinks about lady of the lake] nope and nope!

ciri’s “are you dying?” to calanthe on her deathbed is the new “was he human” yennefer asking if regis (as a giant fucking bat) was human

i love how looongggg these episodes areee omgg

but also i always thought of the fall of cintra as something you know like. it happened in two shakes, cahir kinda just took ciri up by her underarms (like longcat) and left

OHHHH THEY IMPROVED THIS SCENE SO MUCH I WAS HOPING WE’D GET THIS OMG OMG BUT INSTEAD OF TELLING SOME YOUNG GIRL WHICH HAD WEIRD KINDA GROSS CHEMISTRY WITH HIM ROAVCH GETS TO HEAR IT!!! THIS IS HOW YOU DO AN ADAPTATION YAYY

renfri: who were you talking to? geralt: .. my horse.......... all of the fans: [dialing 1-800-TROUBADOUR immediately]

ugh i really thought they were gonna adapt the sex between renfri and geralt out. ugh ugh . too much heterosexuality

WHOA. HOLD THE FUCK UP. HOLD> HE FUCK UP. CALANTHE ADVISED CIRI TO TAKE MERCY. THATS LITERALLY FORESHADOWING FOR WHEN SHE CHOOSES NOT TO SLAY CAHIR AT THANEDD. WOW. WHAT THE FUCK WOW. WOW’

ciri you are gonna regret stalling so hard when mr. ceallach marches in. just saying. RUN.

CAHIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRR I ALMOST SCREAMED AND TORE MY STITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

uh.... ok...................... hm not what happened in the books.... where ciri is shot off in the midst of battle and crawls up next to a dead man and acts dead ........ lol cahir is even more evil now how is this possible i didnt think he could get MORE evil

[cahir voice] he deflected the arrow with his sword! ive never seen anything like it!

also have i said already that the cinematography is amazing. like the room where calanthe was on her deathbed.... that renfri dream was pretty cool too... just a lot of things are very pleasing to the eye

due to a injury in the carotid artery blood would be gushing everywhere. also is she prophecizing ciri? stop this there are already so many women in the witcher universe that give prophecy. theres like the girl in baptism of fire, ciri, everyone in ciri’s bloodline, and now renfri?

LOOOOLLLL THE HORSE

cahir: nice, GG guys, im gonna go get that cool promotion now, this will be epic, my mom will be SO proud of me-- ciri: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA cahir: OH FUUUUCKKK

well that’s MUCH MORE of a report to file with your superior officers! “yeah so the girl fucking opened up a hole in the earth” instead of “ahh idk i fell asleep and when i woke up she wasnt there :/” .... cahir really is not getting that promotion now, huh

okay yall can say whatever you want about cavill as geralt but when he said “do not touch her” and moved his mouth like that? oh geraltisms.

this is a really nice episode i like how it just went into the action i wasnt convinced at first but ah this is quite nice. i like how it has JUST geralt and ciri in it and later yennefer will come in as her mom. renfri prophecizing was actually pretty ok, at first i thought i wouldnt like the change, but it makes it easier to digest for television. i like how they really emphasize that geralt is hated to all hell, and that ciri is powerful yet still babie. this is a good portrayal of both of them in these stages of their lives you know what im saying. also is cahir gonna chase ciri now for those Good Boy Black Rider points? bc there were shots of him in a forest. ah well whatever lets move to the next episode

I ASK EVERYTHING FROM ANGEL TO WOBBLY

COMING RIGHT UP

♡ cute asks ♡

angel; do you have a nickname?

G!

awe; how old are you?

21

baby; favorite color?

purple

bloop; spirit animal?

i know what youre trying to do bug

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

my favourite movie today is always be my maybe. do yourself a favor and watch keanu reeves act his heart out

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

lucky, a little white tiger. i still have her.

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

maybe my mom making me tea or something. ow ow nostalgia

bright; mermaids or fairies?

fairies

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

YEAH

buttercup; showers or baths?

showers

butterfly; dream destination?

maybe ... the countryside, but one i havent been to before?

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

yes, very. while feeling at war with it all the time cause of the gay angst. but lbr. i prayed for some coffee and i got some. i also pray when some real shit is happening. its just my nature. i have a very strong intuition when im not panicking. TOO BAD MY PARENTS DISHED OUT TONS OF SPIRITUAL ABUSE I CANT REALLY HEAL FROM

calm; favorite scent?

this candle that has vanilla in it. i like the smell of vanilla because it smells sweet and im like. !!!! kindness!!!

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

i dreamed my siblings were all bickering and blaming each other endlessly and saying cruel things, and i was trying to tell them to stop but my voice was hoarse and no one could hear me. the voice part makes more sense when you consider i lost my voice talking lots at the Job and ive been Way too worried about it and its also a Passing thing

charming; have you ever been in love?

yes... overrated

cozy; eye/hair color?

red hair green eyes

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

the afternoon when i can take a walk with some coffee and music or, faceplant on my bed and fall asleep on the spot and then wake up feeling very well napped

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

i really like bonsais. or ... whatever type of bonsai i keep buying. they grow fast so you can notice their progress, they can survive bad mental health weeks, and you can shape them, they kind of grow with you

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

i .... forget a lot. i forget these kinds of things. i hope it doesnt mean it didnt matter to me. i remember being really lonely on my last birthday and pretending not to be and then crying to my diary that no one is allowed to read

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

any bonsai, any jacket, thats my soul. or my phone lol

cutsie; what makes you happy?

people saying small nice things

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

just the other day when i was starting to play stardew valley again and i had some tea i think... 

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

i want to have been Known as more than just shy and polite

daylight; favorite album of all time?

idk of all time, but say you will by fleetwood mac FUCKS, i will destroy my ears on public transit with that

dear; zodiac sign?

sagittarius

delightful; concerts or museums?

?????? N/A unfortunately

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

yes, i have written all sorts of letters, not snail mail but yknow... that is my jam. i have used it for good and evil

dobby; dream job?

writer of , books or screenplays or something

doll; how do you like to dress?

behold my array of gay jackets. hoods... gay layers... with some flowers. i have some shit with flowers on it. an old man complimented me on a train once. because im amazing

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

my roommates say theres a ghost dude downstairs but ive never seen him. not really actually.

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

no, and ive thought about a tattoo but im like... i cant imagine picking a decoration and then being satisfied with it for the rest of my life, and being so... open like that, i change my mind and worry too much...

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

yes bitch. theres water on mars im sitting here patiently

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

the demigirl reading this

fairy; do you have a pet?

no :(

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

mountain... no ocean.. im feeling ocean

forever; where do you feel time stop?

i havent felt like that in a looong time. maybe this one place with streams, when its raining really heavily and everythings Gushing

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

i have kept... 5 bonsais alive for a while.

garden; how many languages do you know?

one. with some rocky french that makes me ACTUALLY want to learn french, and then frustratingly be on the brink of speaking french

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

i cant find the name right now but they make this pixel art and put sentences that are kinda so gentle and pining... i love it

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

homemade coffee in a messy kitchen with some sun coming in, youre kind of sleepy

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

yes!!! i wanna talk!!!!!

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

ok... i know how to be Respectful, im a strong person, im good with self-expression, i like my voice... AND IM CUTE

heart; silk or lace?

silk

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

coffee, so much sugar and a bit of scream.

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

BIRD WATCHING. because watching people can get awkward real fast, and birds dont give a fuck. birds are fat little boys jumpin around. they dont worry about their jobs. i respect that. 

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

Harmonious People Noises. i dont actually listen to sounds going to sleep when maybe i should. because of how i grew up im fine listening to music or people playing instruments falling asleep, even with the light on

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

that part of autumn where its colourful and not too cold not too hot, and sun everywhere

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

i do stuff like take walks and do a few errands and water plants... and just chill and enjoy not having pressing stuff to do. 

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

i am a serious giggler but i recently got a booming laugh, or it sounds like that to me

kinky; do you blush easily?

no. apparently not. but sometimes i feel my face heat up and then im really, really counting on it that that doesnt mean im blushing because its at the worst possible times to blush

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

SOULMATE... SOMEONE I DONT HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO...

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

i feel like i already answered this but ill pick a different time. evening is nice because im a night owl and i focus better and i can relax and do whatever

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

fleetwood mac and bLAST it on public transit

love; what is your favorite season and why?

autumn, because pretty, haloween

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

i dont know about macaron but that cookie dough ice cream is some good

magic; what are five flaws you have?

overthinking, clinging to comfort zone, procrastinating, isolating, either i dont stand up for myself or i do it too harshly

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

they all sound so lovely im feeling warm neutrals rn

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

emotional labour, similar energy level

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

I JUST WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE and there has to be food

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

doing THIS... all my free time... is basically by myself

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

you dont have to be useful to be valuable. you deserve love just because you exist, and even if you feel strongly that everything sucks, that could be your comfort zone talking. im having a mental health week

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

cook. id bake but then i eat stuff that doesnt make my stomach as happy

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

oh its GORGEOUS. i have been practising my handwriting in my Diary for Months.

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

yes, piano mostly... ive been feeling Urges to play guitar lately that have surprised me

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

doing something restful/mentally restoring like taking a break or talking calming things to myself

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

LOVE THAT ZUCCHINI...F RY THAT BITCH WITH GARLIC AND ONION...

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

i have not read a book

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

realizing im trans

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

ill think of a nice one, moving away from my parents, theres been so much healing

shine; art or music?

MUSIC

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

yes

smitten; do you collect anything?

bonsais?? 

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

one

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

chocolate, any,

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

phone camera, ithas all these cool filters and things it can do, it says my plants are food

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

occasionally. its mostly the black tourmaline bracelet

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sunset, that is the beautifulest

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

with headphones. i just ... maybe this is a growing up thing but i cant imagine Taking Up Space playing my music out loud... then other people can judge my music choice... theyd Know things about me... 

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

save ums. i have this answer ready to go. that is because after five i stopped having a tv

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

my rooooooommmmmmmmmm my BED

soothe; digital or vinyl?

digital? what is this about?

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

my sister. she always says i never hang out but ... she doesnt seem interested in things i actually like... she tries and she cares but...

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

loyal, honest

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

practical, i just cant focus on aesthetic because then i get way too picky with eeeverything

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

NO, unless i am on tumblr where there are no Laws. or it depends on how easy the person is to talk to.

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

yes, yes but NOT RIGHT NOW, i think kids are really Good, theyre simple and honest

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

i look up to the Bosses at my work, i mean they seem like they try really hard and do a good job and they have to lead everyone else too i respect that

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

the emotional intelligence dial. it is maybe too far. but im realizing that isnt so common.

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

i hope, at least the kind i would want. probably very energetic, with negative or positive stuff

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

another person at work called me by my last name. i find this funny because 1) it sounds funny to just shout 2) why are they all so fascinated with it .... yknow its because they wanted it to see if it was ramsay. did they seriously think. bunch of cooking nerds. is this their new power move.

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

niGHT OWL

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

shapeshifting

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

home, but i would enjoy going out with the right people i think. which has never happened.

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

no

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

tidy

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

yes, and no. my heart is set on being Out in the Nature though. i dont know if i can really really go back to where i grew up. theres so many complicated and painful feelings around it, and im not really welcome. 3

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

yes, i wish on all kinds of stuff all the time

answer all of them

answers under the cut! only doing this cause im that bored

200: My crush’s name is: no one 199: I was born in: 1996198: I am really: bored197: My cellphone company is: wtf who cares?? 196: My eye color is: green/blue 195: My shoe size is: 6.5194: My ring size is: idk small 193: My height is: smol 192: I am allergic to: cats and all of nature in the spring and summer 191: My 1st car was: an hhr or as i liked to call it a poor mans hearse190: My 1st job was: an in home care taker aka i cleaned elderly peoples homes189: Last book you read: god i dont read188: My bed is: my best friend 187: My pet: is the loml 186: My best friend: she lives too far away tbh 185: My favorite shampoo is: i use old spice 2-in-1 like the basic bitch i am184: Xbox or ps3: ps3??? what year is it the switch is where its mfkin at 183: Piggy banks are: dope af 182: In my pockets: nothing cause im a broke bitch 181: On my calendar: nothing cause im a boring bitch 180: Marriage is: cool good on everyone who is married to their best friends 179: Spongebob can: new spongebob can die cause its garbage 178: My mom: is the best 177: The last three songs I bought were? who buys songs? 176: Last YouTube video watched: air crash investigations (dont ask) 175: How many cousins do you have? idk 174: Do you have any siblings? one sister 173: Are your parents divorced? nah 172: Are you taller than your mom? nah 171: Do you play an instrument? i used to play the violin and guitar but not anymore 170: What did you do yesterday? tried not to die [ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: idk maybe? 168: Luck: sure 167: Fate: yeah sure 166: Yourself: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha no 165: Aliens: fuck yeah 164: Heaven: ehhh no 163: Hell: no 162: God: not really 161: Horoscopes: lowkey160: Soul mates: every one has one 159: Ghosts: kind of 158: Gay Marriage: nah why would gays want to get married 157: War: war is p stupid 156: Orbs: wtf is an orb??155: Magic: no [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: kisses 153: Drunk or High: drunk 152: Phone or Online: online 151: Red heads or Black haired: black 150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes 149: Hot or cold: cold 148: Summer or winter: winter 147: Autumn or Spring: autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla 145: Night or Day: night 144: Oranges or Apples: apples 143: Curly or Straight hair: curly 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonalds 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: this is dark chocolate erasure and i will not stand for it 140: Mac or PC: mac 139: Flip flops or high heals: neither both are garbage for the feet 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: im already sweet and poor sooooo137: Coke or Pepsi: where is my dr. pepper representation 136: Hillary or Obama: obama 135: Burried or cremated: cremated id like to go out in a burnin glory even if im already dead 134: Singing or Dancing: singing 133: Coach or Chanel: neither 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are you people 131: Small town or Big city: big city 130: Wal-Mart or Target: im a lesbian so target obviously 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: neither 128: Manicure or Pedicure: pedicure only cause they message my feet and legs 127: East Coast or West Coast: west coast 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: xmas cause snow 125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate 124: Disney or Six Flags: disney 123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither who cares about baseball [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: men bein garbage 121: George Bush: why? 120: Gay Marriage: hell yeah we got it 119: The presidential election: we might as well have elected a crackhead 118: Abortion: let women get them safely so they dont fucking die its that simple117: MySpace: jesus is it 2006 again 116: Reality TV: its trashy but ill watch it cause im trash 115: Parents: love your parents kids (unless they are abusive) 114: Back stabbers: are awful just like maybe dont stab people in the back literally and metaphorically 113: Ebay: ive literally never used ebay in my life 112: Facebook: its p garbage i barely ever use it 111: Work: capitalism has killed workers and quality work 110: My Neighbors: they are there 109: Gas Prices: i havent gotten gas in like 2 months so like idk 108: Designer Clothes: why are they all like so ugly??107: College: stressful and only vaguely worth something 106: Sports: fun to play but boring to watch. i only go to sporting events for the alcohol 105: My family: is v dope and i love them 104: The future: stressful and i hate thinking about it [ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: last night it was my dad 102: Last time you ate: last night lol 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: probably back in december with my best friend 100: Cried in front of someone: oooof all the time 99: Went to a movie theater: like 2 wks ago 98: Took a vacation: january i went on a cruise 97: Swam in a pool: last summer i think 96: Changed a diaper: uhhh never…. 95: Got my nails done: god way back in high school when i thought i was straight 94: Went to a wedding: last friday! 93: Broke a bone: 3 wks ago haha 92: Got a peircing: i havent gotten a piercing since i was like 6 91: Broke the law: uhhh i plead the fifth 90: Texted: i texted my mom like 40 mins ago [ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: myself 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my dog shes so cute 87: The last movie I saw: spiderman into the spiderverse 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: a vacation to see my aunt in indiana 85: The thing im not looking forward to: going back to school 84: People call me: uhhh my name? 83: The most difficult thing to do is: rn? pretty much everything 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never 81: My zodiac sign is: im a leo 80: The first person i talked to today was: my mom 79: First time you had a crush: first time i remember was freshman yr of college 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my mom 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: i dont remember 76: Right now I am talking to: nobody im a lonely bitch 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully something to do with neuropsychology 74: I have/will get a job: 73: Tomorrow: wtf does this even mean 72: Today: or this one 71: Next Summer: and this one 70: Next Weekend: and even this one 69: I have these pets: a golden retriever mix 68: The worst sound in the world: 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: hahaha myself 66: People that make you happy: my family and friends 65: Last time I cried: yesterday 64: My friends are: amazing wonderful people that i love 63: My computer is: my lifeline 62: My School: is small but good 61: My Car: is a lesbian wagon that looks like i live in it 60: I lose all respect for people who: cheat on their s/o 59: The movie I cried at was: i dont usually cry during movies 58: Your hair color is: confusing kind of blonde also kind of brown 57: TV shows you watch: she ra, killing eve, grey anatomy too many others to list 56: Favorite web site: youtube 55: Your dream vacation: to go to germany 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: idk maybe my post surgery foot pain 53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare the only way a steak should be eaten 52: My room is: always a disaster 51: My favorite celebrity is: taylor swift 50: Where would you like to be: idk 49: Do you want children: noooo 48: Ever been in love: yes i have 47: Who’s your best friend: we aint naming names on here 46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: playing with my dog 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: A43: Do you have a 5 year plan: god no i dont even have a 5 hour plan 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nah 41: Have you pre-named your children: nope40: Last person I got mad at: myself39: I would like to move to: somewhere other than where i am now 38: I wish I was a professional: at being not depressed [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: bottle caps or ritter sports 36: Vehicle: subaru wrx hatchbacks with a wide body kit are b nice 35: President: who tf has a favorite president 34: State visited: oregon or washington 33: Cellphone provider: who has a fave cell provider???32: Athlete: none31: Actor: idk like chris pratt or something 30: Actress: rn jodie comer 29: Singer: hayley williams 28: Band: paramore 27: Clothing store: h&m 26: Grocery store: target 25: TV show: law and order svu 24: Movie: princess mononoke 23: Website: youtube 22: Animal: red panda 21: Theme park: disneyland 20: Holiday: halloween 19: Sport to watch: none they are all hella boring 18: Sport to play: softball 17: Magazine: none i dont read 16: Book: i dont read books cant concentrate for that long 15: Day of the week: idk saturday 14: Beach: ive been to a beach like 3 times and i barely remember them 13: Concert attended: paramore after laughter concert last summer 12: Thing to cook: cooking stresses me the fuck out so i dont have a favorite thing to cook 11: Food: pasta!! 10: Restaurant: uhhh i dont really have one 9: Radio station: its 2019 who listens to the radio 8: Yankee candle scent: i dont really use candles 7: Perfume: i dont wear perfume 6: Flower: peach roses probably 5: Color: red 4: Talk show host: i dont watch talk shows they are all boring 3: Comedian: john mulaney or iliza schlesinger 2: Dog breed: corgi 1: Did you answer all these truthfully? hahahahaha

85 Questions

ii was tagged my @kamilahdavis so thank u, u majestic queen, i love uuu 

Answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

the last …

1. drink: orange juice

2. phone call: my dad

3. text message: a work “friend”

4. song you listened to: i’m telling the world, by Taio Cruz

5. time you cried: i’m always crying binch

6. dated someone twice: what is that

7. kissed someone and regretted it: kissing is for losers 

8. been cheated on: that’s why i dont play uno anymore

9. lost someone special: yes

10. been depressed: life depresses me

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: surely not when i got drunk the first time :)))))))

favorite colors

12. baby blue

13. lavender

14. rose gold

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: i guess u can call them friends

16. fallen out of love: never even been in

17. laughed until you cried: ive never laughed a single day of my life. its sad so i cry.

18. found out someone was talking about you: oooooh dont even get me started binch

19. met someone who changed you: ive never been nchjfjnmj,muj chnged by anyone ever, but no

20. found out who your friends are: ehh still figuring it out

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: who dat

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: 3 (idk man, like a handful)

23. do you have any pets: i cry everyday bc ive never felt that joy

24. do you want to change your name: nein

25. what did you do for your last birthday: we went to a restaurant where the rude waiter gave my sis an anxiety attack, fuck him

26. what time did you wake up: 6:00 binch being a nurse is tough

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: dreaming about my vacation

28. name something you can’t wait for: family vacation to palma de mallorca + 2 months of doing nothing (!)

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: i dont remember her face (1h ago)

31. what are you listening to right now: killing me softly with his song by roberta flack (no KS reference pls)

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: idk??? have i?? i dont know my life

33. something that is getting on your nerves: my boss

34. most visited website: pinterest cuz i like hoarding pics

35. hair colour: dark brown like a cuppa coffee

36. long or short hair: fucken curtain

37. do you have a crush on someone: i wanna but my life aint that exciting

38. what do you like about yourself: my active imagination that both hinders and gives me life

39. piercings: belly button binch, like a baby piercing, cuz its very recent

40. blood type: A+ binch like my grades i wish

41. nickname: my actual name cuz u cant shorten claudia to be cute

42. relationship status: single as a loose pringle

43. zodiac: im a fish.

44. pronouns: she/her

45. favourite tv show: the walking dead, supergirl, brooklyn nine nine, unbreakable kimmy schmidt, stranger things, izombie

46. tattoos: 0 but i want some

47. right or left handed: slightly ambidextrous, like i do things with my left that righties can only do with their right hand

48. surgery: laparoscopy cuz my ovary wanted to explode

49. piercing: answered already

50. sport: gym sometimes? and i like volleyball

51. vacation: somewhere by the beach and with a nice view of the stars

52. pair of trainers: i basically only own sneakers cuz they the most comfy footwear in existence

more general

53. eating: watermelon was the last thing to have touched this mouth 

54. drinking: nothing

55. i’m about to: finish this up and watch power rangers

56. waiting for: july 13th when my 2 month vacation begins binch i’m excite

57. want: to be retired at 23

58. get married: sure but to whom’s the question

59. career: ideal? neurosurgeon, actual? nurse

60. hugs or kisses: both? i really love giving hugs but i always wanna hold on for too long so its awkward with ppl i dont know very well

61. lips or eyes: eyes

62. shorter or taller: same height or taller cuz yes

63. older or younger: kinda older but in my age range i guess?

64. nice arms or nice stomach: i like toned arms but im okay with a soft stomach

65. hook up or relationship: relationships im 2 emotional fr hookups

66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant af

67. kissed a stranger: or anybody ever

68. drank hard liquor: been dipping my finger in whiskey since 10 years old

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: never although a contact once popped off my eye when i was making faces in the mirror

70. turned someone down: that’s my biggest fear although i dont care much about ppl

71. sex on the first date: nooo ty

72. broken someone’s heart: according to him ye, but he broke mine first so pech gehabt

73. had your heart broken: siehe oben

74. been arrested: my only crime was being a primary school bully and thats not even a crime

75. cried when someone died: my grandpa, cried like a baby

76. fallen for a friend: never thank goodnes

do you believe in …

77. yourself: barely 

78. miracles: ye i do cuz im a hopeful binch

79. love at first sight: nein das nicht

80. santa claus: why wouldnt i believe in the actual person that delivers my presents every christmas?

81. kiss on the first date: noooo

82. angels: ye i dooo

other

83. current best friend’s name: my sis cat and my bff mariana cuz they my main binches

84. eye colour: brown

85. favourite movie: thats tough, but some i could rewatch all the time are mamma mia, the proposal, stardust, i am legend, i robot (cuz will smith), hachiko, megamind, 

i tag: @thefivecrazypeople @oldforgottenwarrior @lazusin @faenies and whoever else wants to cuz i dont know anyone else

this is also thehambeverage for anyone wondering why tf agsp is tagging them in something

yo i was tagged by a peep by the name of @cotton-candy-confusion and this is basically one of those facebook thingys where you go and tag someone and they have to answer questions. so im gonna do that.
RULES: answer the questions and tag 25 people! LAST: [1] DRINK: i have a nice pokemon glass of brisk ice tea [2] PHONE CALL: m mudca :) [3] TEXT MESSAGE: it was actually to the group chat (kik group chat, if you want that information msg me and ill let u in; its atl related usually) about how my next project is going to be a self-driving barbie jeep [4] SONG YOU LISTENED TO: willingly: citizens of earth by neck deep. unwillingly, however, was the meow mix remix 10 hour version [5] TIME YOU CRIED: despite the fact i wanted to all day long, i actually didnt. so it was a few nights ago because i had a dream that everything that happened today happened and i was so frustrated i started crying HAVE YOU EVER… [6] DATED SOMEONE TWICE: i havent even dated someone once really [7] BEEN CHEATED ON: no [8] KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: the only person ive ever kissed (well, kissed by) was mark hoppus and i dont regret [9] LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: yes [10] BEEN DEPRESSED: yeah, in fact i just woke up from a 7 hour depression nap [11] GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: ive never been drunk but one time i made really good grilled cheese but then it wasnt so good because i gave myself food poisoning and threw up for three days LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] green [13] more green [14] did i mention green IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] MADE NEW FRIENDS: YES AND I LOVE THEM ALL [16] FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: no but this reminds me of the line in romeo and juliet where romeo is just like im out and either benvolio or mercutiois just like out- oF LOvE???? and romeo is like hell no wft [17] LAUGHED SO HARD YOU CRIED: lots of times [18] FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: i mean no but would i care really probably yes because i care about my reputation but also maybe not [19] MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: i think everyone changes me because i want to absorb everyones good qualities and become The Best [20] FOUND OUT WHO YOUR TRUE FRIENDS ARE: everyones my true friend i love people [21] KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: no [22] HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: all of them except hunter, but he just wants to be my friend on fb so i can send him 8 ball pool gifts [23] DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: my dogs birdie, jared, and sugar and my dads dog miss noodles 8^) [24] DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: my real name is actually p good (its marissa) because ican get away with you guys calling me meech because it starts with an m [25] WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY: invited my pals to my humble abode and we tried to watch a horror movie but like a really crappy one but it was so bad no one was interested [26] WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: i woke up at 5:30 am to meet bright and early with my rov crew but i woke up from my depression sleepytime junction at 11 [27] WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT: trying to unlock the bathroom door with a pair of scissors [28] NAME SOMETHING YOU CANNOT WAIT FOR: starting the self driving barbie jeep!!!! [29] WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOTHER: at like 5 when she picked me up from the competition [30] WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOUR LIFE: im actually really happy where i am now ü (thats a creepy smiley face) [31] WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: i have an episode of malcolm in the middle playing in the background rn [32] HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: wtf [33] SOMETHING THAT GETS ON YOUR NERVES: when my step father parks his truck too close to the gate so i have to move the entire gate in order to take the dumb trash bins out [34] MOST VISITED SITE: more than likely cool math 4 kids [35] ELEMENTARY: ew i was really into ghost hunters and never brushed my hair and was just embarrassing in general [36] HIGH SCHOOL: so far, i really like it [37] COLLEGE: not even sure yet but hopefully my SATs turn up good later on down the road and some school wants me [38] HAIR COLOR: green but theres this blue strip in it and its weird [39] LONG OR SHORT HAIR: short [40] DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: 👀 [41] WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: im really funny and i have nice legs [42] PIERCINGS: i have one ear pierced and contrary to popular belief it is not the detroit red wings logo [43] BLOOD TYPE: im not sure which is really bad [44] NICKNAME: mostly meech but irl ppl call me misha/misho and rissa [45] RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single [46] ZODIAC SIGN: aquarius [47] PRONOUNS: she/her [48] FAV TV SHOW: hmm probably bobs burgers [49] TATTOOS: none [50] RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: right FIRST… [51] SURGERY: never had one! [52] PIERCING: m ears [53] BEST FRIEND: i think her name was hannah or some shit idk it was first grade [54] SPORT: im not a sports kid im a competitive robot kid [55] VACATION: rogers city 2002!! [56] PAIR OF TRAINERS: what are trainers RIGHT NOW… [57] EATING: nothing [58] DRINKING: only my favorite beverage, orange juice [59] IM ABOUT TO: go to costco and mooch off of their free samples [60] LISTENING TO: the blink-182 cover of dead mans curve [61] WAITING FOR: seamus to follow me back on twitter (hes being a little bitch rn) [62] WANT: seamus to follow me back on twitter (fuck u seamus) [63] GET MARRIED: sure [64] CAREER: whatever i can get tbh. ideally something in construction/engineering WHICH IS BETTER… [65] HUGS OR KISSES: smorch [66] LIPS OR EYES: lips [67] SHORTER OR TALLER: ??i want to be taller?? [68] OLDER OR YOUNGER: older ?? (are these supposed to be abt like someone romantically or??? idk??) [69] ROMANTIC OR SPONTANEOUS: spontaneous [70] NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: really i dont mind [71] SENSITIVE OR LOUD: i guess sensitive ? [72] HOOKUP OR RELATIONSHIP: relationship !! i love commitment [73] TROUBLEMAKER OR SENTIENT: GIVE ME A SENTIENT SUPER POWER BOYF / GIRLF HAVE YOU EVER… [74] KISSES A STRANGER? hoppus <3 [75] DRABK HARD LIQOUR? nope [76] LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES? but always found them in the end [77] TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: nope [78] SEX ON FIRST DATE? with what dats [79] BROKEN SOMEONES HEART? hopefully not [80] HAD YOUR OWN HEART BROKEN? nope [81] BEEN ARRESTED? no but i thought the lady at speedway was going to call the cops on me because she seemed really mad i was getting a slurpee and it made me anxious [82] CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED? of course [83] FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: hyperventilates 👀👀👀 DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] YOURSELF? always have always will [85] MIRACLES? yes!! [86] LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? no [87] SANTA CLAUS? no [88] KISS ON FIRST DATE? smorch [89] ANGELS? yes OTHER… [90] CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME: i have like 8 million bffjills i cant name them all [91] EYE COLOR: green [92] FAVORITE MOVIE: THE SHINING ☝️☝️☝️

i dont know/have 25 mutuals so heres all the people who immediately come to mind:

@carbonatedbeveragecurtis @dinotyler @a-percious-fandom-cinnamon-roll @amerrickancandy @notanordinarybandgeek @gloogle @flannelbarakat @jack-bracket

Today at 12:35 AM

beatconductor hey uh can i ask you a question

deadramchild yes y0u can

beatconductor oh hey hope im not distracting you from anything or whatever anyway does your dad hate me

deadramchild y0u are n0t

beatconductor or is he always like that or i just dont know how to deal with him like

deadramchild i d0nt think he d0es n0

beatconductor mr deuce and boxcars are pretty chill to be around i mean i have no doubt that they could wreck shit but theyre just yanno kinda buddy like

deadramchild well they are certainly easier t0 get al0ng with yes why exactly d0 y0u think he hates y0u?

beatconductor and then theres mr stabby stab slick whos a little inpredictable like he seems like the kinda guy that might stab you for saying the wrong word or just shrug it off depending on the mood but idk your dad is kind of something else no offense he just gives me the chills

deadramchild haha he d0es have that effect 0n pe0ple y0u are right ab0ut slick t00

beatconductor so is that not just me

deadramchild n0

beatconductor i mean its rare that my fear is stronger than my stupidity but just fuck dont tell him i told you that alright

deadramchild but im curi0us did he d0 s0methig that made y0u think he hates y0u?

beatconductor uh doesnt matter its more all the stuff he doesnt say

deadramchild yes it d0es l00k... he is n0t g0ing t0 actually hurt y0u he d0esnt hate y0u and he has n0 reas0n t0

beatconductor if you say so

deadramchild he kn0ws that y0u are 0n friendly terms with with deuce and b0xcars and friends with me and the 0thers he w0uldnt hurt y0u with0ut a damn g00d reas0n n0t physically that is but i cant deny that he is a danger0us man 0bvi0usly he is

beatconductor not physically

deadramchild he likes t0 play games

beatconductor you might think thats kind of reassuring but thats like the opposite of that id deal with a direct open threat on my life better than this

deadramchild 0h i kn0w that

beatconductor like shit man the about of times karkat told me hed stab me and i know he would

deadramchild but i want t0 be h0nest with y0u

beatconductor and were still bros ah damn it

deadramchild well let me try t0 explain a little better he enj0ys hmm... teasing pe0ple? he likes t0 get a reacti0n 0ut 0f y0u and at the same time he is testing y0u hes perfectly aware that y0u have relati0ns t0 the felt t00

beatconductor aw man of course he does i mean

deadramchild and while he d0esnt 0utright distrust y0u just f0r that (i mean his b0yfriends br0ther is a number) it still takes m0re t0 gain his n0t quite trust

beatconductor well im not expecting him to ever trust me just

deadramchild he d0esnt fully trust a l0t 0f pe0ple th0ugh

beatconductor yeah thats what i need in my life even more mind games

deadramchild im s0rry 0n0

beatconductor eh whatever

deadramchild i really am

beatconductor its not your fault dont apologize

deadramchild i d0nt want t0 sugarc0at things th0ugh

beatconductor so what should i just give him the reaction he wants or play it all stoic and aloof

deadramchild im n0t sure what reacti0n he wants?

beatconductor alright i can work with that

deadramchild i think any reacti0n that isnt betraying us in any way is a right 0ne is this ab0ut uhm what happened the 0ther night? what he said ab0ut y0ur little kitty friend?

beatconductor urgh yeah thats definitely the most recent and glaring one

deadramchild well that0ne was really just a win/win situati0n f0r him... he likes teasing her

beatconductor oh great

deadramchild and he kn0ws perfectly well that y0u tw0 are an item s0 it was the perfect 0ppurtunity f0r him t0 test y0ur l0yality

beatconductor i see well at least i didnt completely fuck that one up huh

deadramchild n0 the situati0n is c0mplicated the situati0n with her i mean i guess y0u sh0uld really ask her if y0u want any uhm details 0n what happened im n0t sure if he wants y0u t0 j0in us p0ssibly y0u are useful and we always need m0re pe0ple but regardless i think this is his way 0f tryin t0 sh0w y0u what happens when y0u ch00se the felt 0ver us n0w he may be my father but i cant actually read his mind s0 keep in mind that im 0nly guessing here t00

beatconductor wow ok message received i am now kinda let this get too much to me caught me off guard i guess

deadramchild i d0nt think s0mething like that can n0t get t0 y0u i kind 0f want t0 ap0l0gize f0r n0t being ar0und t0 help y0u but thats s0rt 0f silly isnt it? and we b0th kn0w y0u w0uldnt have accepted any help i c0uld have 0ffered anyways

beatconductor dunno considering who i work with i should know better

deadramchild mind y0u im n0t saying that t0 shame y0u its just a fact

beatconductor what oh yeah dont worry i mean there were people i just didnt want to hear any of that idk next time maybe

deadramchild i mean i kn0w y0ure a big b0y y0u can have y0ur mental breakd0wns all 0n y0ur 0wn i still wish i c0uld have helped but y0ure 0kay s0 thats all that matters i guess

beatconductor hah yeah thanks how do i politely tell everyone else that ive been doing this long enough to know me

deadramchild i d0nt kn0w "hell0 ive been a huge mess f0r 25 years n0w i kn0w the drill but thanks f0r caring"?

beatconductor damn thats spot on

deadramchild "s0rry i am currently n0t em0ti0nally capable t0 deal with y0u w0rrying 0n t0p 0f this leave a message after the beep?

beatconductor hah i mean basically thats it alright

deadramchild im sure they will understand 0r at least try t0 they cant help w0rrying th0ugh i w0uld be lying if i said im n0t w0rried but i trust y0u en0ugh that y0u will at least keep y0ur stupid ass alive and c0me t0 me when y0u are ready at least i h0pe s0 i mean y0u s0rt 0f did

beatconductor yeah idk considering im still alive after all maybe im secretly immortal or some shit

deadramchild id rather n0t have y0u test that the0ry y0u d0nt want me t0 yell at y0ur gh0st d0 y0u?

beatconductor im usually trying not to you know dying and being stuck as ghost is kinda the worst i can imagine but the thought of you yelling at my ghost butt kinda sweetens that but you can do that while im still alive so

deadramchild i didnt even yell at y0u s0 far ...n0 wait i did after y0u sh0wed me anime being stuck as a gh0st sure d0es s0und unpleasant i h0pe the actual afterlife is nice th0ugh

beatconductor no afterlife would be nicer i know some poor sap stuck all alone in some kinda eternal limbo i mean shit that sucks doesnt even have any demons and satans to torture him for his sins or something just his nest and my idiot ass dunno if its like that for everyone that ever dies i sure hope not

deadramchild maybe y0u are the dem0n t0rturing him that s0unds really weird are y0u sure y0u didnt just dream that

beatconductor oh yeah thank you well dunno id think so too but that means im kinda hallucinating chatting to him all day too and thats getting kinda awkward

deadramchild very awkward...

beatconductor so yyeah

deadramchild well i guess i cant judge

beatconductor im pretty sure hes real i hope so

deadramchild even if he is imaginary

beatconductor dont make me doubt myself here ok

deadramchild well it t00k a while t0 realize that im actually hearing the dead instead just being well insane

beatconductor well see i got over that phase much quicker

deadramchild thats g00d have fun with y0ur dead friend

beatconductor yeah thanks im trying he seems more pleasant than your average visitor i mean usually its me whos haunting him

deadramchild hes n0t just a v0ice either i assume s0 that already makes him better c0mpany

beatconductor yeah probably

deadramchild s0unds like y0u ike y0ur dead friend thats g00d

beatconductor yeah i mean dreams with him are pretty alright

deadramchild thats g00d perhaps y0u sh0uld sleep s0me m0re then

beatconductor you know im trying man i wish i could bug the hell out of my friends every night

deadramchild haha maybe y0u can dream visit me t00? y0u sh0uld try m0stly because im heading t0 bed n0w try t0 sleep s0me dave g00d night

beatconductor do you really want that believe me you dont want me on your sleep too im enough of a menace when awake but if i ever find out how to you can bet your ass im gonna haunt your dreams

ytf not

1. Are looks important in a relationship? 

yes

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

yes

3. Are you a virgin?

no

4. Are you in a relationship?

yes

5. Are you in love?

yes

6. Are you single this year?

no

7. Can you commit to one person?

yes

8. Describe your crush

my crush is my boyfriend how boring

9. Describe your perfect mate

no such thing as perfect

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

yes

11. Do you ever want to get married?

yes

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

sometimes

13. Do you get jealous easily?

depends

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

no

15. Do you have any piercings?

yes 7

16. Do you have any tattoos?

yes 7

17. Do you like kissing in public?

sure

20. Do you shower every day?

sometimes

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

ye

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

ye

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

yes

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

yes

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

i am

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

yes

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

not that i know of but probably lol

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

ye

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

nope i mean like maybe a boob job if i had money but nah

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

both

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

yup

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

yes

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

yes

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

everyday

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

yes lol

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

lol yup most of my exes

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

currently

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

ye

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

not that i remember

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

ye

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

lol this is a dumb question

43. How long was your longest relationship?

1 year and 1 month and countinggg

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

not counting before high school...so 4 gfs 2 bfs

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011? LOL idk but probably a handful i was a sloot

46. How many times did you have sex last year? 

idfk a lot

47. How old are you?

24

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

boi bye

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

i cant pick one favorite. but probably how sweet, caring, and loving he is.

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

HAHAHAHA ew no id slam the door

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

idk if id do absolutely everything for anyone lol 

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

yes. because we either grew apart or i realized having shitty people in my life wasn’t worth it

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

not to my knowledge

54. Is there someone you will never forget? 

lots

55. Share a relationship story.

no

56. State 8 facts about your body

im 5′3. im 120 pounds. i have brown hair. i have brown eyes. my fingers and toes have really bad circulation. my butt is my best feature. my tummy is cute too. i got small yitties. 

57. Things you want to say to an ex

fuck all yalls

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

no

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

no

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

2 and a half years

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

idk tbh

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

i think a lot of things are sexy if its from the right person

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

straight sex and gay sex are different but ive done both so ive always said if it feels like ur having sex then ur having sex lol

64. What is your definition of cheating?

being physical with someone else or talking about being physical to someone else

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? 

psh thats a lil pers

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

“

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

anywhere and anything with the right person

68. What is your sexual orientation?

bi/pan

69. What turns you off?

someone shorter than me cuz that would be so weird lol

70. What turns you on?

a lot lol

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

idk if this is the kinkiest but i recently had a dream i had a threesome with my boyfriend and megan fox and hfdjkurfdfhghalhg

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

my name and baby and that feels good. lol im basic

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

i already have the sweetest

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

style

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

i cant think rn..lol

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

i used to be way sweeter than i am now lol

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

whatever floats ur boat

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

;)

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

lol this morning for a dumbass reason

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

a few minutes ago

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

my boyfriend, lip from shameless, ed westwick, megan fox, demi lovato, margot robbie. thats 6 but had to make it even lol

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

idr..i think my friend kendra tbh

83. Who was your first kiss with?

this boy gavin lol

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

because i dated someone i didnt have feelings for. lmao oopsie

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

yea i have

11/15/19 - Chat with The Producer

The Producer 1:51 PM: "whats up”

The Producer 1:51 PM: "the producer, comin at you again because i forgot my email address”

Xenquility 1:51 PM: "lmao”

The Producer 1:51 PM: "see this is why im at the bottom of the totem pole”

The Producer 1:52 PM: "weed boys light up”

The Producer 1:52 PM: "and yes Bup does enjoy """""fun"""""”

Xenquility 1:53 PM: "Do dimension travelling bad guys still smoke weed”

The Producer 1:53 PM: "everyone has time to smoke weed”

Xenquility 1:53 PM: "Yknow why do these guys have to have fun by killing people”

Xenquility 1:53 PM: "couldn't they just get addicted to heroine or something”

The Producer 1:53 PM: "also im not a bad guy”

The Producer 1:53 PM: "only bup is a bad guy”

Xenquility 1:53 PM: "(I know)”

The Producer 1:53 PM: ":wink:”

The Producer 1:53 PM: "im addicted to herobrine”

Xenquility 1:54 PM: "herobrine is my dad”

Xenquility 1:54 PM: "give me admin or he'll ban you”

The Producer 1:54 PM: "damn”

Xenquility 1:54 PM: "he knows bill gates”

The Producer 1:54 PM: "another spooky possessed minecraft admin”

The Producer 1:54 PM: "just kidding”

The Producer 1:54 PM: "perhaps its best if we leave that whole debacle in the past”

Xenquility 1:55 PM: "Hey why did Bup have to  do SKM like that”

The Producer 1:55 PM: "that wasnt Bup's doing”

Xenquility 1:55 PM: "Oh shit”

The Producer 1:55 PM: "technically it wasnt any of ours”

Xenquility 1:55 PM: "Any idea whose it was?”

Xenquility 1:55 PM: "inb4 we cause it in the future”

The Producer 1:56 PM: "something nasty did it”

The Producer 1:56 PM: "dark forces mixed with one of our members”

Xenquility 1:56 PM: "sounds kinky”

Xenquility 1:56 PM: "what type of dark forces?”

The Producer 1:58 PM: "dark forces we're all familiar with”

The Producer 1:58 PM: "things that come and go”

The Producer 1:58 PM: "Noise”

The Producer 1:58 PM: "id answer more clearly but that's not in the cards atm”

Xenquility 1:58 PM: "to which one”

The Producer 1:58 PM: "yes”

The Producer 1:58 PM: "he came down with a bad case of the D”

Xenquility 1:59 PM: ":PROVIDETHED:”

Xenquility 1:59 PM: "wait”

The Producer 1:59 PM: "my bad”

Xenquility 1:59 PM: "did you have to provide him the D this time”

The Producer 1:59 PM: "unfortunately he gave it to himself”

Xenquility 1:59 PM: "woah”

Xenquility 1:59 PM: "can you get him to record it next time”

The Producer 1:59 PM: "a very talented man”

Xenquility 1:59 PM: "I need it for science”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:00 PM: ":regi:”

Xenquility 2:00 PM: ":dad3:”

The Producer 2:00 PM: "if only we had an artist here to depict such a thing”

Xenquility 2:00 PM: "we have a coomer to depict such things”

Xenquility 2:00 PM: "if that counts”

The Producer 2:00 PM: "one talented in manly copulation”

The Producer 2:00 PM: "no coomers allowed”

The Producer 2:00 PM: "company policy”

Xenquility 2:01 PM: "fine by me”

The Producer 2:01 PM: "coompany policy”

Xenquility 2:01 PM: "I hope these conversations get archived”

The Producer 2:02 PM: "they always do”

Xenquility 2:02 PM: "hell yes”

The Producer 2:02 PM: "i just have to be careful not to mention erratas or my bosses w”

Xenquility 2:02 PM: "anyways any chance you could tell us why it was useful for :dad: and :moonman: to be in the past”

The Producer 2:03 PM: "not sure”

The Producer 2:03 PM: "that's Bup's forte”

The Producer 2:03 PM: "but good luck getting any info out of them”

Xenquility 2:03 PM: "the only way he gives us stuff is if we gamble with people's lives”

Xenquility 2:03 PM: "and even then we might not get a straight answer”

Xenquility 2:03 PM: "sorry why do you work with this dude again”

The Producer 2:04 PM: "a baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do”

Xenquility 2:04 PM: "do you make minimum wage”

The Producer 2:04 PM: "*gots to do”

The Producer 2:04 PM: "sorry”

Xenquility 2:04 PM: "cause if not you should sue”

The Producer 2:08 PM: "Bup can often be a hanful”

The Producer 2:08 PM: "and also a handful”

The Producer 2:08 PM: "and also a mouthfull”

The Producer 2:08 PM: "but I trust him”

Xenquility 2:08 PM: "insulting the boss? I'm reporting you to hr”

The Producer 2:08 PM: "no wait”

The Producer 2:08 PM: "i dont want to get docked again”

The Producer 2:08 PM: "my payment i mean”

Xenquility 2:09 PM: "where can we sign up to work interdimensional office jobs sound great”

The Producer 2:09 PM: "you all have the capacity to”

Xenquility 2:09 PM: "the capacity to sign up?”

The Producer 2:10 PM: "well”

The Producer 2:10 PM: "not sign up for this specific organization”

The Producer 2:10 PM: "but you could become a wide-eyed up and coming spooky entrepreneur based on your own merits”

Xenquility 2:12 PM: "sounds cool”

Xenquility 2:12 PM: "How exactly would that work?”

The Producer 2:15 PM: "first you must enter a deep sleep where you can tap into your inner dreams”

The Producer 2:15 PM: "then you must make a sacrifice”

The Producer 2:15 PM: "not one of blood but one of time”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:15 PM: "Did you say”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:15 PM: "Dream”

The Producer 2:15 PM: "then you must do a bunch of other stupid esoteric bullshit and boom suddenly youre the CEO of bigdicks spookyboys r us”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:16 PM: "Cool where I can put my curriculum”

Xenquility 2:16 PM: "i wanna be the ceo of bigdicks spookyboyrs r us”

Xenquility 2:16 PM: "what does this "other stupid esoteric bullshit" entail?”

The Producer 2:16 PM: "no education requirements... required”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:16 PM: "Who shall I contact then”

Xenquility 2:17 PM: "does doing all this shit turn you evil or is it just normally done by evil people”

The Producer 2:18 PM: "moral requirements are also not required”

The Producer 2:18 PM: "also i should specify that all of this is me attempting to describe very non-descript things”

The Producer 2:18 PM: ”dont take it too literally

The Producer 2:18 PM: "or do”

The Producer 2:18 PM: "unless...?”

Xenquility 2:19 PM: "so is basically a "find your own inner CEO" scam”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:20 PM: "Piramyd scheme”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:20 PM: ":funkyface:”

The Producer 2:23 PM: "Damn”

The Producer 2:23 PM: "im starting to realize”

The Producer 2:23 PM: "maybe this is a △ scheme”

Xenquility 2:25 PM: "yes”

Xenquility 2:25 PM: "come to the light side”

Xenquility 2:25 PM: "we have uh”

Xenquility 2:25 PM: "things”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:25 PM: "And uh”

The Producer 2:25 PM: "does it pay more than over here”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:25 PM: "Phisical bodies?”

The Producer 2:25 PM: "aka more than 0”

Xenquility 2:25 PM: "Probably yes”

Xenquility 2:25 PM: "Actually  yes'”

Xenquility 2:25 PM: "minimum wage is like 14 dollars in canada”

The Producer 2:26 PM: ">canada”

Xenquility 2:26 PM: "lower in the US but their dollar is worth more so it balances out”

The Producer 2:26 PM: "ill stay here thanks”

Xenquility 2:26 PM: "aw”

Xenquility 2:26 PM: "but if you come here you get to be hunted by your previous coworkers for all of eternity”

Xenquility 2:26 PM: "it's funner than it sounds”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:27 PM: ">14$”

The Producer 2:27 PM: "damn”

The Producer 2:27 PM: "theyll get The Hunter on my ass”

Xenquility 2:27 PM: "Ooo”

Xenquility 2:27 PM: ""The Hunter"”

ARGdov 2:27 PM: "I cant believe BUP and co are running an instagram pyramid scheme”

The Producer 2:27 PM: "we sell knives”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:27 PM: "Fuk”

Xenquility 2:27 PM: "that sounds like the name of an edgy teenager named Hunter”

ARGdov 2:28 PM: "man my mom bought knives from one of those people”

ARGdov 2:28 PM: "seemingly completely unaware of how fishy theyre business strategy is”

ARGdov 2:28 PM: "granted they are very good knives”

The Producer 2:28 PM: "id rather they send The Hunter than The Coomer”

Xenquility 2:28 PM: "hey”

Xenquility 2:28 PM: "you said no coomers allowed”

The Producer 2:29 PM: "im kidding, we don't have either of those people”

The Producer 2:29 PM: "you caught me”

ARGdov 2:29 PM: "wasnt the hunter one of the skeksis in the dark crystal”

ARGdov 2:29 PM: "sorry Im just joking”

The Producer 2:30 PM: "we're not that strict”

The Producer 2:30 PM: "theres just a few rules we need to abide by”

ARGdov 2:30 PM: "like what”

The Producer 2:30 PM: "tbh we're much less organized than those other guys”

ARGdov 2:30 PM: "1: be fucking obtuse and vague to everyone outside of the company”

The Producer 2:30 PM: "Id rather have The Coomer sent after me instead of The Operator any day”

Xenquility 2:30 PM: "hey”

Xenquility 2:30 PM: "you said no operator's allowed”

ARGdov 2:30 PM: "I mean yeah fair”

ARGdov 2:30 PM: "the operators spoopy”

ARGdov 2:30 PM: "glad slendermans not real”

ARGdov 2:30 PM: "what the fuck was that”

Xenquility 2:31 PM: "?”

ARGdov 2:31 PM: "some reaction popped up”

ARGdov 2:31 PM: "it POPPED AGAIN AND I MISSED IT”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:31 PM: "Oh fuck marble hornets” 

ARGdov 2:31 PM: "ok its "WOW"”

Xenquility 2:31 PM: "wow”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:31 PM: "That series is great”

Xenquility 2:31 PM: "who reacted with it?”

ARGdov 2:31 PM: "dunno who posted it but I can guess”

ARGdov 2:31 PM: "Im guessing Producer”

ARGdov 2:31 PM: "idk”

ARGdov 2:31 PM: "I keep missing”

Xenquility 2:32 PM: "tf they just used :dream:”

ARGdov 2:32 PM: "yea”

The Producer 2:32 PM: "no sorry i was away”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:32 PM: "Prolly just wolfposting”

ARGdov 2:32 PM: "oh yeah prolly”

ARGdov 2:32 PM: "anyhow”

The Producer 2:33 PM: "also

The Producer 2:33 PM: "”1: be fucking obtuse and vague to everyone outside of the company””

The Producer 2:33 PM: "yes”

ARGdov 2:33 PM: "how long has your organization even been around?”

ARGdov 2:33 PM: "thats not surprising lol”

ARGdov 2:33 PM: "2: do whatever BUP says”

ARGdov 2:33 PM: "3: if there is somehow an issue with these two contradicting one another, check with BUP”

ARGdov 2:33 PM: "4: see rule one”

Xenquility 2:34 PM: "5: ???”

Xenquility 2:34 PM: "6: profit”

The Producer 2:34 PM: "we've been around since the beginning”

The Producer 2:34 PM: "but as ive said, some have come and gone”

ARGdov 2:34 PM: "since the begining”

ARGdov 2:34 PM: "so since before all this nonsense started”

ARGdov 2:34 PM: "granted”

ARGdov 2:34 PM: "this has been going on in some capacity since the 80s, seeing thats when the MC formed”

ARGdov 2:34 PM: "so not really helpful”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:35 PM: "Hm”

The Producer 2:35 PM: "7. dont be helpful”

ARGdov 2:35 PM: "well thats basically rule 1”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:35 PM: "What if u disobey?”

The Producer 2:36 PM: "ill get smote”

Xenquility 2:36 PM: "bup  can smite people wtf”

The Producer 2:36 PM: "i dont really wish to disobey though”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:36 PM: "Fuking zeus”

The Producer 2:36 PM: "as i said, i trust bup”

ARGdov 2:36 PM: "you get cut”

ARGdov 2:36 PM: "literally”

ARGdov 2:36 PM: "figuratively”

ARGdov 2:36 PM: "painfully”

ARGdov 2:36 PM: "permanently”

The Producer 2:36 PM: "that doesnt necessarily mean you should though”

ARGdov 2:36 PM: "or something”

ARGdov 2:36 PM: "so you've been around for awhile”

The Producer 2:37 PM: "bup will cut”

ARGdov 2:37 PM: "but are only making yourselves known now”

The Producer 2:37 PM: "theyre really good at scissoring”

Xenquility 2:37 PM: "hot”

The Producer 2:38 PM: "i cant say too much more though or they'll get on my ass about it”

Xenquility 2:38 PM: "if bup is good at scissoring does that confirm they're female”

The Producer 2:38 PM: "like i said i dont wanna assume for them”

The Producer 2:38 PM: "they identify as toad”

Xenquility 2:39 PM: "I mean I don't want to discriminate but it's kinda hard for a man to scissor”

otherLiam 2:39 PM: "Clearly you aren’t trying hard enough.”

The Producer 2:39 PM: "^”

otherLiam 2:39 PM: "Also hi.”

The Producer 2:40 PM: "hello coomerLiam”

Xenquility 2:40 PM: "woah”

Xenquility 2:40 PM: "harsh”

otherLiam 2:40 PM: "?”

otherLiam 2:40 PM: "is that like a racial slur”

Xenquility 2:40 PM: "yes”

The Producer 2:40 PM: "this server claims this is the internet coomtectives right”

Xenquility 2:40 PM: "producer is a huge racist”

The Producer 2:40 PM: "my apologies”

otherLiam 2:40 PM: "i prefer zoomerLiam”

The Producer 2:40 PM: "i meme with extreme prejudice”

ARGdov 2:41 PM: "nice”

Xenquility 2:41 PM: "bigotry makes the memes grow fonder”

The Producer 2:41 PM: "and my dick grow harder” 

Xenquility 2:41 PM: ";)”

otherLiam 2:42 PM: "So why follow BUP?”

The Producer 2:42 PM: "we have share the same goal”

Xenquility 2:42 PM: "since when does bup have a goal”

otherLiam 2:42 PM: "I don’t suppose you’d tell us what that is.”

The Producer 2:42 PM: "refer to rules 1 and 7”

Xenquility 2:43 PM: "what if we say finding it out will severely deter us from living?”

Xenquility 2:43 PM: "the truth will blow our mind or something”

The Producer 2:43 PM: "well I dont want that”

Xenquility 2:44 PM: "damnit”

otherLiam 2:44 PM: "wat rules”

The Producer 2:44 PM: "also refer to rule 34”

The Producer 2:44 PM: "haha lol xd”

The Producer 2:44 PM: "theres another XD for you”

Xenquility 2:44 PM: "also could you tell me where your office is located because I keep imagining some stereotypical office building floating in a rift between dimensions and it's hurting my brain”

Xenquility 2:44 PM: "or some sort of general area”

Xenquility 2:44 PM: "like what planet”

The Producer 2:44 PM: "no that sounds about right”

Xenquility 2:45 PM: "fuck yes”

Xenquility 2:45 PM: "how do you get wifi”

otherLiam 2:45 PM: "so how exactly do you “produce” stuff? is it just magic or do you sometimes have to just go to the store”

The Producer 2:47 PM: "i walk down to the spook store”

The Producer 2:47 PM: "sometimes use my spook heelies”

Xenquility 2:47 PM: "is that inbetween dimensions too”

The Producer 2:47 PM: "yeah”

The Producer 2:47 PM: "its like a inter dimensional 7/11”

Xenquility 2:47 PM: "also are there any villains that aren't inherently "spooky"”

Xenquility 2:47 PM: "like just average joes”

Xenquility 2:47 PM: "that happen to be evil”

Slinky Stinks△ 2:48 PM: "”its like a inter dimensional 7/11””

Slinky Stinks△ 2:48 PM: "I'm in”

The Producer 2:51 PM: "Id argue that Bup isn't really that spooky”

The Producer 2:51 PM: "I mean he's toad”

Xenquility 2:51 PM: "true”

pakospooky 2:51 PM: "IIIII”

pakospooky 2:51 PM: "coming”

The Producer 2:52 PM: "oof”

The Producer 2:52 PM: "Pako posting forbidden things”

pakospooky 2:52 PM: "what?”

pakospooky 2:52 PM: "how forbidden?”

The Producer 2:52 PM: "refer to rules 1, 7, and also rules 8 - 99 which all ready "be spookey be spookey be spookey"”

The Producer 2:52 PM: "anyways the boys are sending me out to pick up some spook donuts”

The Producer 2:52 PM: "see you all later”

Xenquility 2:53 PM: "seeya broski”

So about the 5 of CUPS.  I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things.  I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone.  It is SO great to have a computer again.  I am blessed, I am thankful.  I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy.  Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night.  Not like the others.  A good thing.  She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself.  Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen.  So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush.  I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong.  I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people.  I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year.  I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved.  In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here.  Ayla is the only reason I love.  It is true.  I never loved before her.  I never loved until I became a mother.  And I loved everyone with that love, too.  Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN.  Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it.  It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace.  She is everything.  She is my teacher.  She is SO beautiful.  And I cant stand to see her cry without crying.  That image is burned in my brain.  I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well.  I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home.  I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection.  BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY.  I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me.  I have been unable to attain a living situation.  And it is SO frustrating.  I believe things can get better.  I believe in me.  I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition.  I have been working very hard to be strong.  I have worked very hard to be sober.  Worked to be creative.  Worked to be spiritually sound.  Worked to have greater understanding.  And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc.  It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay.  I am happy.  I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect.  I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure.  I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently.  Im used to it!!!!!!  I accept it.  My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway.  The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard.  Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake.  I feel awful after I eat.  I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again.  I hate eating.  Yet, Im always hungry now it seems.  My weight is 115.  Im on track, perfect weight.  Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan.  Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something.  Ill have to check.  The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”.  It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive.  So happy inside.  I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla.  So forgiveness is there.  I needed THEIR love.  Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey.  No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad.  But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani.  I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her.  She is truly ahead of her time.  I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter.  Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani.  It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money.  What I can do, is be there for them in other ways.  In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are.  It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too.  And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically.  I have to reiterate that.  She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her.  I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me.  I have struggled with the selfishness of that.  I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him.  IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing.  The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke.  I am still struggling.  Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down.  Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey.  Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally.  I know this.  Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge.  Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen.  Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect.  That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote.  I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away.  It must make it off the page and into something shareable.  I write too much to keep throwing it away.  It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it.  Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing.  it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled.  I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up.  but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else.  I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad.  Its really simple when you realize.  You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really.  I still do it.  I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for.  I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader...  i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.