how much music have you pirated

nice try, john flansburgh

This is going to sound a little weird, but thank you for making it clear when you speculate on Destiny lore, or admit "I/we don't know". I have been cursed with a history degree and seen people treating speculation like facts, and you're like the only Destiny lore person whose posts/discussions I can consume because of it. You link to sources in-post, you answer questions very well, and I always find your posts refreshing and interesting. I have a lot of the lore crammed into my head, but I know that if I ever have a question, I can come to you with it. Thank you for all that you do, and all that you are.

It's not weird at all! I was personally always annoyed when people would clearly talk about speculative stuff but treat it as facts. Especially from big lore personalities, but in general as well. It leads to a lot of issues later when things are revealed to not be true or when there's any sort of a plot twist. The amount of time people have said that things have been "retconned" when they've literally only just been recontextualised or given a new reveal...

Destiny's setting is super interesting to me specifically because it deals with a lot of unknown information that characters in-universe sometimes lie about or interpret wrongly. It gives life to the setting. Just like people don't always know everything in real life, it's the same in Destiny. Sometimes something is established as a fact, but then later a new discovery completely shatters it and requires us to adjust our beliefs and knowledge. That's how science works! I love settings where the setting itself is constantly in flux and new information is revealed as time moves on. It makes it seem more alive. I also love when characters are wrong and when new information forces them to change.

But yeah, thanks a lot!!! I know where you're coming from (I too bear the curse -> archaeologist), so I always wanted to make sure when things are speculative or when we simply don't have enough information. Sometimes things will be very unreliable, but we don't have any other info so we accept them as fact until they are challenged. Once they're challenged, we should begin adjusting our knowledge and beliefs. It's always best to be open to possible changes and new information. Even when I'm pretty sure about something being a fact, I like adding that obviously Bungie can still surprise us with a plot twist!

Thanks again! Probably yeah! I'm also really glad that there's other people in the community who also know a lot and help out as well, especially about some more contentious or complicated topics. So also thanks to everyone who shares, adds to it and also offers corrections. It's definitely a community effort!

(1/2) my boyfriend came out as mtf transgender last week... so now my girlfriend? I'm trying to wrap my head around what this means for our future. We are pretty serious and have talked about getting engaged. We are long distance (need to spend about $250 on a plane ticket to see each other) so that's already a strain on our relationship. We've had some other issues as well, and I'm not sure if we have strong enough of a foundation for making it through this. I have no idea what to expect.

(2/2) how difficult is transitioning on a relationship? How does it mentally affect the trans person? Can hormones change their personality? Is there a risk of sexual orientation changing? What else should I know about being in a relationship with someone during the transition? Do you think it's feasible for us to work out? I wish this was a perfect scenario, but the reality is that our relationship already has some scars. Any information would help. Thanks y'all.

This is often a sensitive topic for a lot of people, so I hope you don’t mind if I seem like I’m picking my words—I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong by asking these questions at all, but a lot of people have been in this situation on both ends, and I don’t want to come off as dismissive either way.

Hormones (and surgeries, and social transitions, etc.) don’t affect who you are as a person. They can affect how you express different parts of yourself; a lot of trans people feel more confident on HRT, or more anxious because they’re having to cope with a major life change that makes people react to them differently. The process of coming out as trans also takes a pretty long time, and any medical/social/legal transition makes it longer, so you can change as a person during that time. There is, interestingly, evidence to suggest that people internalize social stereotypes about their gender identities to the point where they embody them when they’re made aware of those stereotypes (e.g. women underperforming on a math test when made aware of stereotype versus their non-threatened performance); I bring this up to point out that there are often changes we see in ourselves or others that we attribute to the process of “transitioning”, though it’s more fair to say that those changes existed before the person ever came out.

Sexual orientation changing for trans people is a really contentious topic. More so than in my disclaimer up at the top. (The reason why it’s contentious is because it’s been used to medicalize trans women before, particularly in psychiatry, and that is still being taught as fact.) The short version is that no, coming out as trans does not in and of itself change someone’s sexual orientation. What may change is how someone expresses their orientation, or what attractions they feel allowed to act on.

For example, a gay trans man may struggle with being attracted to men before realizing he’s trans, because it doesn’t feel internally right for him to be into men when he’s “a woman”. After realizing he’s trans, he may be able to embrace his attraction to man, and find comfort and identification with the idea of being a gay man. A trans woman may go from identifying as straight pre-realization to identifying as bi or pan, because she feels like she can more comfortably picture herself in a relationship with a man or nonbinary person if she is seen as a woman, reflective of her gender. What looks from the outside like orientation “changing” is more accurately thought of as someone recontextualizing themself to better understand how they, in their gender, relate to other people.

That’s a longwinded way of saying that I don’t think there’s a “risk” of your partner’s sexual orientation changing to exclude you if she’s already in a relationship with you and shows no desire to end it. If you’re concerned, you should be able to ask her directly—which flows into my next point.

I’m not going to pretend that someone coming out as trans isn’t a strain on a relationship, because it totally can be for a lot of people. It’s a big shift in how you think of someone else, and how they think about themself. I do think that it doesn’t inherently have to change anything about your care for each other, and that it might take some adjustment on everyone’s part without being a relationship-ender. Your partner right now is likely nervous as hell; coming out to someone puts you in a very vulnerable place. On your part, what you can do is be forthcoming with her about what you’re feeling and thinking, and establish space for her to do the same with you. It’s okay to be disoriented, or to be thinking about how you want to go forwards with this person in your life; you’re essentially editing all your thoughts and hopes about the future to change something big about the person you had in your head. She is still the same person, but figuring out what that means for herself as well.

At the same time: It takes two people’s active consent to be in a relationship with each other. I can’t tell you whether or not you could work out because I’m not a relationship counsellor, but I can tell you that you are allowed to leave a relationship if you don’t want to be in it. Most trans people would prefer that their partners don’t leave when they come out; that’s still the partner’s right, but can also be motivated by less than kind feelings, which you often see in practice. You don’t seem like a jerk to me, and it speaks to your care for your partner that you asked for outside help to navigate this. If those “scars” or issues that you talk about are untenable for you, you’re allowed to leave. Someone coming out to you as trans does not inherently have to be an obstacle, but it’s best approached by understanding why you are feeling what you feel, and extending that understanding to your partner. Think of it less like a meteor hurtling towards you both, and more like your adventuring partner revealing that they have a magic tattoo that makes them a wizard. They’ve always had spells to help you guys beat dragons, but they couldn’t use a lot of them before; if you sync up your abilities, you can beat bigger dragons. If they don’t help you fight the dragons, or yell at you, or put you in the fire breath’s path, then you can leave them and it doesn’t have anything to do with them being a wizard. Relationships are more collaborations than inevitabilities, and should never be threats.

I hope that any of that helped; it’s a good thing to do, reaching out, and I’m glad that your partner felt comfortable enough to come out to you.

- Mod Wolf