Magireco if the writers didn’t characterize the magius as bumbling idiots who were stupid for joining a cult for comic relief and actually put effort and empathy into writing them

i also really liked gamzee back in the day!! i was always kinda upset more effort wasn't put into trying to help him get better- especially when it got to the point an endearing character was just written off to be eternally a villain. so many time shenanigans to help bring back others/help others mental health, and yet gamzee was always just written off as a crazed murderer after a certain point?? felt like he stopped being a character and just became a force of nature. i like your more in depth look into the specific trauma he faced, makes him more like an actual person!

im so glad you like my interpretation of gamzee!! i was always really upset by how he was completely denied redemption after being introduced as a such a sweet and neglected kid who was in touch with his feelings enough to entirely reject acceptance of violence in his society. the narrative treats him really weirdly, i'm so glad i can talk about gamzee redemption+positivity with others!!

another thing i think about a lot is how rage is introduced in the narration as a biological function in highblooded trolls, but gamzee is still seen as culpable for his actions while in the rage state. tbf, its terrifying, but rose was never blamed for being manipulated by doc scratch into becoming grimdark the way gamzee is into becoming rage induced. it's all very weird. but also, i think moirails existing to 'tame a highbloods rage' is completely fucked and victim-blamey in a way, like 'oh you failed to calm his rage that's why he's bad now' and being built this way sets up a negative relationship. karkat's conflicted love and fear of gamzee makes me very sad and i dont think he should have the responsibility of caring for gamzee alone. it bothers me in fics when karkat cares for gamzee alone, because i dont think karkat's feelings for gamzee are unique; karkat's got like, four best friends. more even. sollux, terezi, kanaya, gamzee and dave all end up close to karkat and i think acting as a community would be more important and effective than a lone moralliegence with any one of them. bugs work together moment.

i'm also very invested in stories about creatures coexisting and caring for another who are biologically distinct, which i think i loved about the trolls from when i was 13. i really liked that the trolls were struggling against their 'fates' and the heavy pressure of biological essentialism in their society. i remember reading inverted caste fics where the same traits were instead seen as weaknesses rather than romanticized as strengths and being totally fascinated. thats why in bugstuck rage isnt thrown out as a concept, but instead changed as something similar to a prey drive in animals. some of my original fiction is gonna be all about stuff like this, acting as criticism and discussion of media like zootopia and beastars. im embarrassed to talk so much but thanks for listening! gonna reblog this with some more info

By POPULAR DEMAND (a couple of people said "hey Nicole I care about your Renfield 2023 meta")

Ever since I made this gif set of something that's grown to be one of my favorite moments in the movie, I was a little wary of responses to it? Not just whether the source or my highlighting of it would be interpreted as victim-blamey, but that some might actually use it as a jumping-off point to say something more insensitive and victim-blamey themselves in the comments/tags. (Which thankfully hasn't happened! But the first thing is a take I've seen from a couple of people.)

Now, I feel pretty strongly like "victim-blaming" or being anything but 100% on the side of the abused is the LAST thing Renfield (2023) is trying to do, considering [GESTURES AT THE ENTIRE MOVIE]. But I do think it needs to be unpacked a little bit.

This idea of having partially gotten yourself into a situation and that means you can get out and get better… that's not going to relate to EVERYONE'S experience. (Certainly not, for example, a person whose abuse started in childhood.) It's not a universal truth and I don't think it's meant to be. See that tumblr post going around about how fiction that's harmful (or just lightly off-putting) for some people can be healing for others, and vice versa.

But for this character it IS really important that he's not a perfect innocent victim but not an irredeemably bad person either. And it's also important that any Redemption he's capable of is not through shame and punishment, something he's had quite enough of already, but being alive and happy as the person he wants to be.

They have him acknowledge before the end of the movie - in a way that is framed as correct and honest - that he bears responsibility for where he ended up, on a very literal in-canon level. Although Dracula is manipulative and he's implied to have some degree of hypnotic power to influence/charm people, what did not happen (contrary to some versions of the story) was Renfield having his sanity and/or free will magicked away entirely. He made CHOICES. He continued making them!

But… there's something about the fact that he gets to own that without hating himself. He has to own it without hating himself. A not insignificant thing for him is to be able to say that he made mistakes and bad choices, and he takes responsibility for that, but that doesn't mean he deserves to suffer for those choices forever. He's allowed to move forward and be happy.

It's such a huge and weirdly nuanced take for this movie's version of Renfield to be fully accountable for his actions AND extremely sympathetic AND go basically unpunished.

Relatedly, I love the fact they acknowledge shame as a motivating influence on him, which is so fucking dark and sad and complicated coming from this movie?!?!?! A lot of people took that line to be specifically a queerness/attraction thing, and I think that's there and valid. But I also just took it to be like over time the primary way Drac manipulated him was through his shame over what he'd done & become.

Which is such a heartbreaking thing to throw in there, because everything else on that list (dreams etc) is a positive reinforcement -- the devil on your shoulder appealing to the things you want -- but then it crashes into this understanding that he didn't want to want some of those things, and that was also a button to push. There is something equally powerful to Dracula knowing what shames him and the exact ways he hates himself, maybe to take it away, maybe to just keep pressing it until he agrees he's worthless and deserves to suffer. That is MOST of the dynamic we actually see between them in the timeline of the movie, regardless of what their earlier relationship was like.

So the answer to that is not to say he's totally good and has done nothing shame-worthy, but it's also not to say he should be more ashamed actually, it's just… knowing all this and still believing he deserves to be alive and free.

IRL it's not uncommon for there to be a self-blaming factor within abusive relationships and some guilt and shame that goes along with that. It's not always incorrect to realize like: some of this was in my control, I gave a lot of power to this person willingly. I emotionally relied on them, I let my identity get wrapped up in them, I should've known better or stood up for myself or put up stronger boundaries earlier, and the fact I didn't just reinforced how hopeless I felt. It hits the same way for anybody struggling with addictive or self-destructive behavior. The flip side of all that can be understanding and forgiving that version of yourself and reclaiming that power rather than feeling ashamed and trapped by it.

And again! That's not necessarily the story or mindset that resonates with everyone, and it could be perceived badly if one feels it's speaking for all survivors. But if it resonates, it really does.

Last note: The movie also says very firmly that it is NOT as easy for everyone as simply "loving yourself, standing up for yourself, accepting responsibility etc." Like, I actualy think they made a pretty loud point that when your abuser is violent and vengeful and threatning to hurt you and others, you actually fucking CAN'T get out so easily and the self-help affirmations are kinda bullshit. HE NEEDED ALLIES AND SUPPORT IN A VERY REAL AND TANGIBLE WAY. Without Rebecca and also Tumblr he would've been fucked several times over. :) But the bullshit affirmations were still something that mattered to him emotionally, and something he drew strength from, to even get the belief it could get better into his own head.

2024 READING - COMPLETED BOOK 13/12

I've completed another book - the first past my initial reading milestone!

Recently, I finished Devil's Wake (276 pages).

The summary on the back pitches this book as a love story within a zombie apocalypse, but the romance of this book was very...underwhelming. This book itself was underwhelming.

Heck, Devil's Wake isn't even a major part of the story. I kept expecting it to be, but it never was.

The "romance" felt forced to me. I didn't feel any connection between the main characters other than them being the only nice/reasonable single boy/girl in the group. It seemed as if that was the only reason they even "liked" each other. They don't have too many actual bonding moments that we see. They mostly silently admire each other for being cool or shooting a gun well or something lol. So that was kinda lame when I expected the romance to be a bigger plot point.

The book goes back and forth from the POV of the main characters, but then will randomly show POV from a side character? Their whole backstory is crammed into their section - then we never hear from their POV again lol. Those sections were a bit odd to me.

I fully expected them to mean that that character would die soon - like in movies when the focus is suddenly on a side character who then dies or leaves the group dramatically. No one from the main group of characters died/left/fell ill/got bit/etc though, which was kinda lame.

There was never any real drama between characters - there really wasn't much drama at all? Which made it kinda boring when action wasn't happening.

OH, and this is not even touching on how weirdly anti-vaxx the whole book sounded? In the book, the zombie disease originated from taking both a flu vaccine and ingesting a mushroom which was a new trendy "medicine/supplement". Many of the characters (mainly the main girl character), bring up in conversation/inner monologue multiple times about how they knew the flu shot was bad and basically patting themselves on the back for not taking it. It had a weirdly victim-blamey tone in some parts to me - the vibes were kinda sus. Like what lmao.

Idk, I didn't dislike this book, but I think I just expected more from it?

I haven't felt like I've had much to want to talk about with recent books I've finished - I'm surprised I wrote this much. I didn't even realize I had so many thoughts I wanted to type out about this book lol, but hey, sometimes it's like that. x

—

Total books read: 13 Total pages read: 3,576