#it was worth it but omg i underestimated how much time i would sink into this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bananadineapple · 7 years

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A little too early, but not too late (p.1)

• Pairing: Bucky - Reader

• Warnings: Cursing, and I wouldn’t want to spoil the end, so just be prepared m'kay?

• Prompt: (Y/N and Bucky have broken up) Bucky jolts awake from another nightmare; and goes to Y/N since he had no where else to go. She offers him to a 24 hour Ice Cream despite the cold, having known that it could be comfort food. Turns out all he needed for comfort is her.

A/N: Idk when could I fit this imagine in the Marvel Timeline, so it’s pretty much somewhere in between the timeline of Winter Soldier and Civil War. (I literally wrote this at 12:30 am onwards bc I oddly write well in the wee hour of the morning, and the morning vibes inspired me more ok too much talking just enjoy hahah byeee c:)

Also, I am the worst writer ever this took me 1 year to finish omg why???

Masterlist

Part 1 \\ Part 2 \\ Part 3

•••

’ Bucky…don’t…’

’ She’s going to be unresponsive for a week. The injuries caused on her are fatal.’

‘C-come back to me…’

'Y/N, please! I’m just trying to keep you safe!’

'Bullshit, Barnes!’

'I did this to you. I did.’

'Bucky…’

'Y/N!’

'I don’t love you anymore.’

'Please. Stay.

Stay with me.’

•••

His body quickly jerked up from slumber, taking in way too many breaths to catch from the horror he just went through. He was assured that what he just dreamt of was real when he felt the stream of tears freely gliding down his cheeks. Bucky was completely alone and haunted by the same nightmares for a straight 2 weeks. Like an age old reflex his hands groped through the dark room, specifically beside him, as if it was a way to certify it wasn’t all real. But when he felt nothing but an empty space behind him, he felt his chest ache painfully again, tortured by the loneliness and regrets. And he found nothing to do but to curl up into a ball and slowly sink back onto the warm duvets to somehow drown the sounds of his loud sobs.

Obviously, it was one of the most regrettable and stupid decisions he made. Bucky thought he was doing the right thing and it would all be worth it, for her. The pain it caused him, the endless nightmares of having to witness the same memories over and over again, and just not having her presence to ease comfort to all that, proved his choice horribly wrong. It wasn’t worth it for him. He wanted Y/N back bad, real bad. But the fears crawled back in his conscience again, and like before, seemed to be dragging him down again. The fear of being rejected was the most prominent one, and after all, Y/N was left hanging in the hospital: waking up to find her boyfriend breaking up with her by just leaving, and guess who, Steve, told her all that.

The very memory made him curl up even tighter in trying to swallow the lump forming in his throat, a sign that he was about to break and just loose it to crying. So he simply sighed, but it sounded slightly wavered from the hiccups his crying caused. He realized how completely fucked up he was at that moment, and he could’ve laughed at himself but couldn’t find the energy to from all the grief that consumed his other emotions. Then for a moment, he wondered, if the same gravity of pain he felt dragging his heart at that moment, was what Y/N was feeling a well. It didn’t come off as a question, he already knew the answer.

As he quietly laid down on his bed, tossing and turning to try and attempt to fall back to sleep, his thoughts weren’t at all quiet, and it kept his eyes from shutting. It was buzzing, at war, two thoughts colliding against one another. One bore the idea of going up to her flat, having to find himself restless and just irresistible to seeing her again. Another bore the fear of rejection. It wasn’t so easy for Bucky to settle with one final choice.

But unconsciously, with undecided thoughts, he slowly rose up with a sniffle, mustering up the energy to stand up straight after feeling a little dizzy from doing so too quickly. Even if it was dark he already knew the room like having a map hardwired to his head, moving around the incoming furniture to go towards the door. And just when he was inches away from holding the knob, he paused when he went back to consciousness and common sense.

“What…am I doing?” He whispered in a mumble to himself with a slight shake of his head.

For all he knew she could be in a mood where his existence was the worst thing she could ever see so early in the morning. It could probably tear her up the same way it does to him. He tiredly rubbed the bridge of his nose when he felt a wave of discomfort oddly bother his senses, and he quickly knew it was from the nightmares. Along with that, and the fact that every fiber of his existence wanted to see her face, even if haggard and sleepy, so bad, they drove him to take a hold of the knob, and slowly, he opened the door, the light from the hallway slightly blinding his eyes.

•••

Bucky couldn’t even believe he was then walking around the dim lit streets at 2:30 in the morning. He actually, did it. Fought the fear. And was actually walking up to her house once and for all.

“Ah, damn it.” His remark to himself came out in disbelief rather than encouragement, “I can’t believe I’m actually doing this.”

Mists of white quickly formed and disappeared at his words, the bite of the cold air now suddenly taking effect on his system as it sent slight chills to his skin despite the 3 layers of clothes he had on. For a moment he hoped she’d at least let him in to warm up himself, so for sure, he wasn’t taking a no or a 'slam-the-door-at-my-face’ kind of response.

The familiar tree just right in front of the familiar flat came into view from afar, and he found his tracks suddenly coming to a slower pace at each step he took closer. Well, he probably underestimated the fear; it could’ve hid somewhere in his thought momentarily. It was somehow still lingering there. And he shove his hand in his pockets with a grunt to try and stay collected. Knowing the reason why he was going up to Y/N at the first place, despite the fact that what they had was over and done with. And he couldn’t stop thinking, remembering the comfort the lovely lady brought to him ever since they met; even before they loved each other. Up to then, when he paused just on the bottom of the small stairway to her flat door, he was craving for it. He sighed with a slight hint of doubt if it was the right time, also taking in the fact that the windows were nothing but dark.

She could be asleep. Damn it. The Soldier was horribly torn between his wants and her welfare. Part of him wanted to knock loud enough for her to be woken up, and waking her up was what the other part of him argued: bothering her was the last thing he wanted. For a few good minutes he just stood there, hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans, as he swayed back in fort while coming up with a decision. Bucky already took in that he already got this far, and he was to the point of desperation for comfort that he was willing to do anything to save himself from going back to his dark, lonely flat without anyone to assure him everything was going to be okay despite the nightmares.

“Well…here goes nothing…"

Taking in another sigh, he slowly approached the all too familiar door. Bucky took a moment to muster up the courage he needed to move his hands to knock. And so he did, sending the loud knock to echo behind the doors, bouncing off the hallways of the small flat. He gave off a few more knocks, each louder than the next, to make sure she could hear, thinking she could be sleeping on the second floor far away from the door. When he thought it was enough, Bucky stepped back to wait. Maybe wait and see if any lights would illuminate from the window beside the door, wait and see if she would actually open up the door.

He was surprised to see the room just behind the window, light up in a matter of a few seconds after his last knock. Strange, Bucky thought. It was either she was already awake and just somewhat wandering around in the dark for some reason, or she had superhuman abilities that made her quickly recognize that someone was outside. The second one seemed too improbable, but he quickly shook off the thoughts when he heard a soft voice, gentle and familiar, mumble from behind the door.

"W-who’s there?” It was obviously Y/N’s voice, he knew, remembering the many times he heard her voice.

But at that moment, it was like he was entranced by her sweet voice like the first time he heard it. And he quickly tensed up, realizing how much he missed her voice, how much he missed it saying his name, or the three words they both exchanged to each other all too many times. In a short moment he managed to snap back to reality with a few blinks before answering her voice.

“Y/N?” His voice came out a little softer from the fear tugging it back slightly.

When he heard silence instead of a reply, he thought he needed to speak up a little louder, but was interrupted with his mouth slightly agape.

“B-Bucky?” Y/N recognized. Bucky felt his heart flutter at her recognition. He noticed a trace of both surprise and disbelief through her muffled voice. At that, he didn’t know how to respond to it and was left completely speechless.

But to the Soldier’s relief, he didn’t have to wait long before he heard a faint click, followed by the door slowly opening up. Quickly, Bucky’s head tilted to look behind it, to see her. He restrained from looking in farther when the door stopped, only revealing nothing but a small peek of the inside of the flat. At first he was baffled, but when he saw the familiar locks of hair peek slowly come into place, until an all too familiar face peeked through the small gap, his breath caught up midway his throat when he was completely wonder-struck by the girl he missed so much.

There Y/N stood, with her hand peeking through the door and holding it. She wore a loose shirt, which Bucky recognized to be his that he gave to her, and nothing else but shorts and barefoot. The strands of her hair were a wild mess, and so was the look of her face. Dark circles surrounded her once glowing eyes that now seemed so dull, same as the glow of her cheeks that used to have the lightest shade of pink, that once was the shade of her lips as well, but was then looking pale. She still had the same charms he remembered, but the trace of grief was all over her face and seemed to cover that. Bucky’s eyes widened instantly at seeing her like that, making him sigh when he knew the same pain he felt seemed to have the same effect on the poor young woman.

“What…what are you doing here?” Y/N spoke, although a bit calmer and softer than he expected.

“I-I…” he started off, but was still expecting her to throw a huge fit or retaliate against him being there.

But she wasn’t. She was just, staring flatly at him.

“Buck…” She breathed out, opening the door up more to fully reveal everything, as she leaned on the door frame. “Tell me why you’re here.”

“I-I’m sorry.” His apology burst out when he thought he bothered her in the middle of a deep sleep. “I just…I didn’t know where else to go. You-I…”

She only raised her eyebrows at his incomplete reason.

“Y/N…” He took in a deep breath, shutting his eyes as to calm himself down. “I-I can’t sleep. I can’t. Damn it, every time I sleep, or shut my eyes, I see the nightmares again. When I try to think of ways to cope, w-well, you. You quickly came first in my mind because, fuck, I miss you so much. The comfort you give me is beyond words to describe, a-and I thought if I came to you…”

He realized how fast he was talking, and how he was avoiding to look to her eyes, and just suddenly stopped talking. His head hung low while he twiddled his thumb nervously, realizing how much his plan could backfire quickly from prying on too much.

“Bucky. It’s okay. I understand.”

Her response startled him, really it did. Bucky was too focused on preparing himself from the hurtful and angry responses she would give, because that was the normal way to respond to someone just suddenly popping out of nowhere after leaving you hanging for so long. For a short and scary moment he thought she was being indifferent. Like, the feelings she once held were now go, and that was the very last thing he needed at the moment. He abruptly tilted his head upward to face her, and much to his relief, her face did looked calm, but a tiny glimpse of a small spark hid beneath the irises of her eyes. And she was actually holding the smallest but somewhat fragile smile, that quickly faded away as fast as it came.

“You…what?”

“I understand. Really. It’s okay.” She responded, crossing her arms with a small shrug.

Bucky was still trying to process her surprisingly calm state, and just stood there, bewildered and blinking profusely right at her, which made her giggled momentarily. And that small giggle didn’t fail to make his cheeks heat up, because damn, it had been a long while since he got to hear her mellow giggle.

“You can’t sleep?” Y/N asked, and yes, worriedly.

“Y-yeah…I can’t."

"Well, what do you usually do to cope when you get nightmares?”

“Cry myself to sleep.” He swallowed thickly, as he blinked to hold back a tear that threatened to come rolling down his cheeks.

“Oh…” The look of helplessness tinting his eyes tugged something deep in Y/N’s chest, and she couldn’t help but feel sorry for him even if she was the victim of it all.

For the while they just stood there awkwardly, trying to think the words to say to each other to break the silence. Y/N found herself staring at Bucky, but in an unconscious way that had her thoughts running wild. Slowly, his features came into clear view. He still had the same, shoulder length locks of his she wondered if it still smelled like vanilla. His eyes that although seemed to avoid looking at her and end up staring into God-knows-where, seemed to somewhat tempt her to gaze back at those blue orbs of his, and just, get completely lost in his eyes. A leather jacket that covered the dark blue shirt that barely held his built body was something different, she noticed, from the usual ones he picked, and nonetheless, didn’t help her concentrate properly from all that subtle ogling she was doing. And the way he fidgeted awkwardly, still too adorable for her not to smile. Everything, everything about him she never realized she missed this much. Y/N herself wondered why she wasn’t slapping him right now, or even feeling angry for what he did. She just, didn’t.

And that’s when Bucky’s eyes finally landed on her in the middle of her trance. She slightly blinked for a moment that she was surprised, but both didn’t utter a word. The memory that carried the heaviest pain she ever felt quickly came out of the picture. The two ex-lovers were once again staring into each other in a way they haven’t done so in a very long time. Like nothing ever happened. And when it felt so strong, the unknown feeling both lingering in their hearts, they knew the distance has done too much damage to the both of them. But they just can’t seem to do anything about it at all but bite back their endearing desire to make intimate contact. For the both of them who both underestimated that it was all over and done with, it wasn’t.

Y/N quickly sensed the past pain threatening to be triggered again, it just sorta happens when she looks at Bucky, or even a picture of him. So she was the first one to break off from their locked gaze, and it slightly broke the young man’s heart when she did do.

“I-If you want, I can just go…” Bucky mumbled, although he meant the total opposite.

“N-no!” Y/N hastily gained her composure but still held an awkwardly stiff posture. “I-I was just…thinking.”

“Thinking? Of what?”

Both of them underestimated the amount of tension that was still there, and made them fall silent again. Until the young woman quickly thought of an idea.

“How about ice cream? I know a place open at this hour.” Half minded was this response of hers and gave her no time to think twice.

Instantly after her response, Y/N felt stupid. She numbered the reasons why in her head. One: it was the middle of December, hence people having to survive through the cold atmosphere, Two: it sounded better in head, but weirder in front of Bucky, and Three: Ice cream at 2 in the morning, with an ex of yours, sounded a bit absurd and really uncomfortable.

“What?” Bucky had asked for the 3rd time, still with the same amount of confusion as before.

“Uh…yeah! I said Ice Cream.” She tried to sound giddy, even trying to smile but seemed too awkward for her to do.

“Y/N are you okay?”

“No.” She let it slip, but quickly shook her head when it dawned on her what she just did. “I-I mean, yeah. Why? I just suggested Ice Cream.”

As much as he’d love to do so with her, he scrunched his face, doubting that it was a good idea at that period of weather they were in.

“Nothing, uh, wrong with that.” He paused, because it was obvious there was something wrong to that. “No, there is. It’s cold, Y/N.”

“Bucky, trust me.” She decided to stick with it since she remembered a certain fact about ice cream. “Ice Cream’s surprisingly a good comfort food.”

“How do you know?”

“I’ve done it before. ” He heard her chuckle a bit before she got into what she was about to say, “Oh my god, Bucky, you wouldn’t believe how many liters of ice cream I ate when I tried to forget yo-…”

She quickly bit her lip in the middle of her babbling, which seemed to be something she did without thinking clearly, and well, made her end up reaching a really fragile topic to bring up at the moment. And she did feel a surge of regret when he saw Bucky’s eyes fall sadly and gloss with tears that seemed to remain still.

“Oh.”

Having sensed that it was about time to break the tension, Y/N shook her head dismissively and turned back to face Bucky. “So, you up for it?"

"Y-yeah.” His face quickly lit up. Surprisingly, the mention of the dessert slightly made him crave for it, and made him ignore the fact that it was freezing.

“Cool!”

The moment Bucky smiled, genuinely that time, Y/N was certain she felt her heart flutter.

“Yeah, so uh,” Y/N’s hand unconsciously rubbed the back of her neck, still hungover from his enticing smile. “You…maybe you could, I-you…”

It quickly dawned on Bucky that she too felt the tension hanging in the air, clearly it wasn’t helping anything they did or said, both seemed stiff or choppy.

“Wait inside?” His guess, although oddly accurate to what Y/N was about to say, was said rather nervously. “The cold is really starting to get to me.”

Y/N quickly averted her attention from him when a crooked smirk formed on those (gorgeous) lips of his. “Yeah. Ha. Sorry, I clearly just woke up.”

Bucky was charmed. Really, just whipped seeing her so tangled up with his words that made her look so adorable in trying to re-assemble her words in her thoughts. And the smile she gave off to him when she gestured for him to come in wasn’t out of it. All the while they conversed he just couldn’t help but feel something magnetic pulling his body to cling around the young woman. Maybe it was the side effects of too much space, and too much ignorance of what happened and what they felt. Sadly he never thought of entertaining the temptation, even when he entered, and felt the softness of her skin when their arms brushed against each other. He could’ve sworn that the butterflies in his stomach were flittering around in a wild craze.

“Well, make yourself at home Buck. The heater’s over there if you feel the need to heat up more.” Y/N called out midway through the stairway while pressing the light switch to the light by the second floor hallways leading to her room.

“Got it! Thank you.”

Meanwhile downstairs, Bucky took a moment to look around the small but roomy living room. Make himself at home, she said, and gladly he did when he made his way nearer to a small couch perched near the window he was looking into a while ago outside. The living room seemed small yet spacey, the orange luminescence of the lamp, the small coffee table just infront of the couch, the carpeted floor, the small bookshelf and TV set. But a mop of wrinkled blankets and sunken pillows caught his sight, and finally proved the fact that she was sleeping. It was the only thing that fell in place. And he didn’t hold back the feeling of regret at the thought of disturbing the well-needed sleep y/n was in the middle of, remembering she doesn’t at all like it when she was woken from slumber, and it made him frown.

It quickly dawned on him that she wasn’t sleeping in her, well, their room. Odd, he thought. But a small, suggestive grin took place of his frown when he thought of her scent that was probably clinging onto the fabrics of the pillow and blankets. He was already trying to fight back the urge to inhale her irresistible scent when he sat down on the couch.

But it was too tempting. He profusely blinked at the sight of the wrinkled white blanket, really trying his best not to grab it. No, yes, maybe, just a small sniff? The fourth option already had him, and he quickly peeked towards the stairs to assure he was alone. So he did, grasping the fabric in his hands and wrapping it around his body, with, indeed, the familiar smell of her. He breathed in deeply in savor of her vanilla scent that brought a deep, euphoric vibe throughout his worn out system. He brought it nearer to his nose as to grab more of the scent, it was highly addicting the moment he took a sniff. She was highly addicting; he couldn’t deny that.

His eyes slowly shut, and his mind slowly shut the world. And there he just sat in complete bliss, lost in his world of pleasure over a small scent, all the spaces of his thoughts filling back up with memories of her, and to his surprise, the good ones came. He could’ve sworn he’d fallen right into a deep and peaceful sleep with just this, but at that moment, he was in a state that was deeper than sleep. Yeah, he could just stay there all night.

Well, until…

“Buck? Hello? Earth to Soldier, come in Soldier.” A voice broke through his deep trance, which gave him no time to react but only abruptly open his eyes.

He was busted. And by, guess who, no other than the woman which the blanket belonged to, all dressed up in nothing but a simple white pullover sweater, jeans, and a scarf wrapped around her neck, either so fast or Bucky lost track of time. Y/N had the most bewildered look on her face, and may have been trying to suppress a small giggle.

“What are you doing-no- why are you sniffing my blanket?” Y/N took two steps closer, stopping with her hands crossed and eyes squinted at the motionless Bucky.

“I-I…” He started, voice a bit muffled under the blanket that covered his mouth, “…I-I was…cold.”

“Right. Haven’t I mentioned earlier that there’s a thermostat in this room?”

Still frozen in place with no loophole moves registering in his thoughts, Bucky shrugged stiffly, still oddly clinging onto the fabric. “Too…lazy to, uh, get up…”

“The thermostat’s literally right next to you Buck.” Her finger pointed to a fixated point beside him.

Bucky’s eyes slowly looked to where she was pointing, and much to the Soldier’s embarrassment, the thermostat on the wall was just an arm’s reach to press. In the realization, and the slow heat rising up his cheeks, he hastily scrambled to throw off the fabric from his hands and stand up, although stumbling a teensy bit before gaining composure. He added a small and awkward smile before hearing Y/N’s giggle again.

“S'okay, not my fault I’m too good-smelling.” She grinned, and Bucky was 100% sure she did it with the real purpose of a smile.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I just had to.” Bucky admitted sheepishly with a scratch behind his head.

“Okay, okay, c'mon. It’s nearing 3 am, and I do need a good rest."

Bucky nodded, slowly walking up towards her. Somewhere in the back of his mind, the reflexes of holding out his hand to grab hers almost kicked in, but Y/N’s hand were unfortunately out of reach and behind her back. Add in the fact that she was probably trying to avoid any contact with Bucky, so as not to trigger the pain, or anger, back up her system again. So he held back his hand and simply put it in his pockets when he was near her. Too much tension; he hated it. And so did she, unbeknownst to him.

With a small clear of her throat and a smile, she nodded again to Bucky, gesturing for them to go on their small troll to wherever she was taking him.

"Well, shall we?” Her smile was then more flat than real, but somewhat inviting to Bucky’s eyes.

“Yes, we shall.” He returned the smile with a wider one, which only made Y/N visibly tense with a sigh, as she turned her back to the door with Bucky following after her.

Masterlist

#bucky barnes #winter soldier #civil war #bucky barnes imagine #winter soldier imagine #sebastian stan #bucky

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