Depending on how tomorrow goes, I may or may not go MIA from every single social media site and texting app that everyone knows me on without any notice but this. Iām not really telling anyone. Posting a mass update here and maybe fb later. But even if tomorrow goesĀ āwellā or anywhere in theĀ āgoodā category...I may be too overwhelmed to be talking to anyone or on any kind of social media for a while. Hours, days, weeks. If it goes poorly, expect me gone for at least a month. If Iām still alive by the end of that---which I should be, coz I will have Echo right by my side and he will never leave my side again and I will do everything in my power to push through and be positive and be a good dad for him---then I will eventually crawl back onto social media. But my queue may run out for the second time in my entire time since I made this blog like 6-7+ years ago. Itās only run out once so far and thatās because it wasnāt maxed out and slowed down before I got institutionalized once and that was a longer stay than normal. Normally I manage to get out before my queue runs out and then ...ātreat myselfā with a queue filling binge of positive stuff and foxes and glittery things and nerdy things and all things christmas and cold weather. Just general stuff I like...packing it full, coz itāll usually be on the very last few posts by the time I get out, but no one will have noticed my absence coz it wonāt have run out.
But the personal space I will need from how intense this could potentially be...is terrifying for me. I usually go to social media to cope. Somehow, this is so terrifying, that stepping away from social media, stepping away from my friends, and venturing out on my own and putting myself in rather dangerous situations would be my best way to cope. Other than pouring my hours into research and schoolwork... I do have plenty of medical texts to read that I havenāt had the time to do more than skim over [stares longingly at them all].
The amount of overwhelming this is ....is just... it would break a neurotypical person and shred them to pieces. For me? Iām not sure what it will do. The good thing about my particular neurodivergency is that I donāt have much of a conscience to work with (I thought the auditory hallucinations were what everyone was referring to as a conscience until professionals finally told me thatās not what a conscience is and upon further research found I didnāt have one which is great for this situation but damn). I
This could potentially be the hardest moment of my entire life, but I wonāt know that until Iām lying on my death bed. This could potentially be the biggest mistake I ever make, but I wonāt know that until Iām lying on my death bed. This could potentially be the best thing that ever happens to me, but again... I wonāt know that until Iām lying on my death bed. As of right now...at the age of 26...on the date of February 24th, 2018. . .this WILL be the hardest day of my entire life to date. This will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life, no matter the outcome. Iām not scared; Iām sick. I feel like itād be a better idea to kill myself than go through with this. Iād get to avoid the whole thing.
I hate how logical that is.
And I hate how thereās literally not a single counter argument to it and not even one downside. There WAS one downside and that was that my friends would grieve and/or care but the two people who I was worried about caring/grieving and it affecting their lives have thoroughly proven it wonāt and that they do not. Thatās not pessimism or anything. Thatās just cold, hard fact. Yeah, itās a sad fact. But. . .itās fact nonetheless. And I gotta look at the truth one way or another. Facts donāt change just because theyāre not in my favour.
I really do hate how logical suicide is right now.
And I really do hate how there isnāt a single counter-argument to it. And how I have absolutely no one in my corner right now and how I have to support every single one of my friends despite the fact I have told them over and over again that I canāt be there for them and to stop and to back the fuck off with their damn problems, because Iām going through too much of my own stuff to help them with theirs. Thereās only two people I will put aside my ridiculous mountain of issues that could possibly lead to my death and hopefully will to help...One has proven she is and always has been in my corner no matter what sheās going through. And the other has proven that she is definitely unreliable and wonāt be there for me no matter how hard I try for her. The first one... She is the strongest person ever and she will get through my death. She will. Sheās been through worse. The second one wonāt care even in the slightest or even notice. Iām pretty sure sheād be relieved and happy, tbh. Lol. Sheād be out there thinkināĀ āFINALLY, DAMNā lolololol. I know I would be. Like, I know I WILL be when I finally do it and get to move on to the next plane of existence and get those brief moments as an infant where youāre not able to speak or communicate in any way because you have all your memories from your past life? Yeah. Iām gonna be fucking throwing a party in whatever form of a crib or bed type thing my new planet and new species has. I hope to fuck my new species is a lot more peaceful than this one. And I hope theyāre more advanced and more intelligent. I guess that depends on my karma and I have no clue where my karma is at right now tbh coz Iāve done so many EXTREMELY horrible things in my life, but Iāve also done almost the exact same amount of EXTREMELY amazingly genuinely GOOD things in my life at this point that it practically balances it out to 0 so Iām just all [shruggy emoji] on whether the omnipotent fate aliens would demote or promote me during reincarnation. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Man. Tomorrow may just kill me. Hell, if I donāt kill myself before I start the drive tomorrow, I have 2 1/2 hours of driving to think about killing myself every single goddamn second during the drive there...and if, for some weird reason, I donāt have my dog on the way home...... I will have another 2 1/2 hours to think every single second about killing myself. And how the fuck easy would it be to do on Blood Mountain? Iām p sure my car takes via the route that goes over Blood Mountain. People die on Blood Mountain just driving normally.... All I gotta do is push the limits a little. Not hard to die on Blood Mountain...lmao. Not hard AT ALL. I hope my GPS takes me that way coz thatās when I start recognizing where I am and know Iām getting SORT OF close-ish I guess??? and then that idea of suicide just sounds WAY better so...not a bad idea to take a BUNCH of pills in the town right BEFORE blood mountain and then speed through it when I canāt feel my fucking feet on the pedals and am nodding off at the wheel so that I drive my car right through a guard rail or over the side of the cliff OR right into the rock wall. Yep. That sounds p fucking fantastic. Ugh. I have the worst ideas regarding car deaths and I can never do it coz I donāt wanna total my car.... Lmao. The only thing that stops me from doing it is coz I donāt wanna total my car and being a med student, my mind goes through the entire list ofĀ āwhat COULD happenā and how slow of a death if no one finds me and this and that and calculations and blah blah blah and palatalization and amputations and blah blah BLAH and ruining dreams for if I am FORCED into living and BLAH BLAH BLAH and car suicide is the absolute WORST idea for someone who NEEDS a bright, fast, chaotic, able-bodied future if they are forced to live omg lmao BUT....I mean, I have so many other methods in my head that I know practically all the things and Iāve tried so many ways now that I just know what I can and canāt handle and I think tomorrow is gonna be the make or break. But having Echo in the car with me after being broken..........will force me to stay alive. Which will suck so badly. But I will have to also compartmentalize all my pain and my negativity so that heās not even MORE stressed out than by all the commotion of the situation and then by this crazy car ride and by most likely throwing up in the car.
ERGH.
I need to stop thinking about this and distract myself but I also need to rest my joints so I guess Iām gonna watch a documentary.... something nice and calming but also stimulating... I just wish people didnāt talk so monotone when narrating documentaries. Especially when itās about the supernatural and extraterrestrials and government experiments and stuff. Like COME ON, NARRATORS. GET EXCITED. GET INTO IT! FOR FUCKS SAKE, THEREāS A REASON PEOPLE GET PUT TO SLEEP BY DOCUMENTARIES AND ITāS NOT THE DOCUMENTARY....ITāS YOU! THE NARRATOR! YOUāRE THE ISSUE. GET INVOLVED. GET HYPED ABOUT THE INFORMATION! GET PASSIONATE. FOR FUCKS SAKE, ITāS COOL STUFF. FUCKING ACT LIKE IT, YA DAMN MONOTONE, ROBOTIC NIMROD. Ergh. Someone needs to sign me up to narrate a documentary. I used to speak at public rallies about puppy mills all over my county to educate the masses during high school because I was enraged about it and TRUST ME when YOUāRE having FUN WITH IT or ENRAGED BY IT or THINK THE INFORMATION IS COOL and REALLY GET INTO IT...........SO WILL YOUR AUDIENCE. Itās not the information thatās boring. Itās not the documentary thatās boring. Itās not the subject material. ITāS THE NARRATOR. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. YOU DONāT EVEN HAVE TO PAY ME JUST LET ME DO THEIR DAMN JOB CORRECTLY SO I CAN SHOW THEM HOW TO DO THEIR DAMN JOBS SO THEY CAN LEARN. FUCK.
dfkhdglskagjdshlkg Omg.
No okay now Iām gonna get angry at a documentary narrator for not doing their job correctly. Lmao. Gotta watch something uh.... Passionate. I guess. But that doesnāt require too much focus. But doesnāt numb my mind. Star Trek. I always default to Star Trek. Jfc. I guess Iāmma pop on some Weyoun heavy episodes while I wait for theĀ āall clearā on my joint timer thing so I can get up and exercise and do some fucking research and maybe pleasure-read for a bit before more joint resting because long drives and lots of heavy lifting is a big no-no and Iām not supposed to but things arenāt gonna pack themselves. Things arenāt gonna sort themselves?? LIKE??? Fuck itās gonna be SO hard leaving majority of my material possessions that have so much personal value to me. :/ Argh. I donāt even have the ability to take them in order to sell them. I donāt even have that kind of strength or time. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
EDS is a fucking bitch, man. Fucking BITCH. T-Therapy better fucking cure EDS. Like. Theyāre all on board with it. 4 of my specialists are. And Iām meeting with my HRT doc next week. This coming week. So.... weāll see. She cordoned off 2 appointments for me for all the things. Sigh.Ā
Oh right. Yes. Joint rest.
Iām bad at this. I hate resting. I really do. I hate being stationary. I hate not being able to do stuff. I HATE THIS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EDS is a fucking killer for people with former suicidal depression who had had it all their life and it had apparently been fixed by meds and now suddenly itās back like WOW fuck EDS. Ugh. And Iām getting all these phone calls from my docs as my tests come back telling me I need to change my diet to avoid this and that and change this and that like whole HUGE lifestyle changes but addingĀ āWeāll go over the full thing at our next appointment, but I STRONGLY ADVISE...ā Iām like,Ā āWell bitch as long as you tell me itās just advise and not a MUST, I want a damn biscuit okay. Fuck your no gluten.ā But then again, I have a stomach ulcer so I canāt really eat ANYTHING right now so wah. [whines]
FUCK. KILLIAN. LIE DOWN. STOP TYPING. I NEED SOMEONE TO FUCKING WHACK ME WITH A FUCKING RULER OR SOMETHING LIKE THE NUNS USED TO DO IN MY PRIVATE, CATHOLIC SCHOOL. LMAO.
[stops now...for real this time...but reluctantly and rather bitterly]
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