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skizmin · 6 years

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Ravenclaw Seungmin

(my sweet sunshine i hope i can do you justice)

Genre: fluffy as FUCC yo, seungmin is a precious baby, he’s book smart then falls in love and has nO fuckin idea what to do, ugh hes so cUTe, confident til you (my lovely gender neutral reader) come along type shit lmao sue me

Words: 6330 holy shit

A/N: alrighty so i put some more effort into this one bc apparently yall didnt appreciate my woojin one (lookin at you you well rested hoes) and yeah. for the love of coke please stop sleeping on woojin and seungmin it hurts my heart.

this all sorta starts in the middle of exam season

seungmin is lowkey stressed

okay possibly highkey stressed

especially when his friend hyunjin drags him out of the study hall to go see some quidditch game

“hyunjin seriously i need to study”

but hyunjins carrying seungmin over his shoulder screaming about something called stress relief and fun

but anyway, here seungmin is in the stands very begrudgingly

thinkin about that lil song he made to remember how to pronounce that one pet hair expelling spell lmao

when he sees you

he knows you of course, always coming extremely close to his top mark in all his classes

once, in second year, you even beat him in defence against the dark arts which seungmin felt a bit down about for 3 weeks but also he knew you had an immense interest in jinxed plants which was the topic of half of the test

rip seungmin

anyway, he’d always sorta just ignored thinking about you unless it was his competitive side coming out

for real once he almost gave up studying for a divination in class essay but was reminded you were in that class and just nYOOMED to finish his final draft

he only ever really thought about school anyway, much to the dismay of his friends who for once just wanted to get to know him more and take him out to hogsmeade or something

okay so anyway, hes in the stands and he sees you

he doesnt exect you to be there lol like

you study just as much as he does, right?

not only are you there, but you arent even watching the game

youre in it

seungmin chokes on his motherfuckin pumpkin juice

hes all

W-WHAT

NO WHAT

HOW

hyunjin looks at him like wtf bro

seungmins just

“Y/NS IN THE QUIDDITCH TEAM? BITCH? WHAT??”

hyunjins like what???? ohhhh y/n?? dude theyre like one of the best chasers in the damn school

seungmin just looks from hyunjin to you (trying to intercept a pass from the other team) with wide eyes

“seungmin why do you look so shocked? do you know them?”

“yeAH THEYRE THE ONE THAT BEAT ME ON THAT TEST ONCE”

“hmm? what in second year??? dude you have GOT to let that go.”

but by now seungmins not even paying attention to hyunjin, he’s watching you speed past with the quaffle and scoring almost effortlessly

seungmin had never really paid much attention to quidditch. now much at all

aside from happily congratulating his friends on their most recent win and smiling brightly along with jisung when he begins screaming about the new chudley cannons line up

seungmin never really followed the world cup or anything

he simply decided when he was sorted into ravenclaw that he would dedicate himself to his studies

and he struggled to get the grades he does even though felix’s favourite thing to say to him was “all you do is study”

but he was proud of his grades

seungmin never really paid much attention to quidditch

but now? watching you?

your house colours billowing behind you as you smiled to a teammate, listening to their instructions on your next course of action.

he was mesmerised

wholly?? fully?? mesmerised??

he didnt know why but his heart sort of ached

he thought, why would he feel like this?

he understood though that he simply felt completely and utterly inferior to you

hes fine with being inferior to you in terms of quidditch, he doesnt play quidditch

rarely has flown a broom actually, unless necessary

but in terms of school work?

he genuinely set his soul to do that

he’s wholly dedicated to studying to achieve the almost record grades he has

and you?

you were right behind him

dont get him wrong, he doesnt think you dont deserve it, not at all. he would never say someone doesnt deserve recognition for their hard earned work.

he was upset because, honestly?

he saw how often his friends practised their quidditch skills. the team practise, individual practise, game plans, codes, flying methods, opponent studies

all of it

it was very nearly the same amount of time he spent studying.

and his friends?

he remembers the time his friends minho a few years back struggled to scrape by a pass due to his commitment to the sport. even with copious amounts of tutoring that drove him into the early hours of the morning so often

the stress ate away at him. it was a particularly busy year for slytherins team and he was on high demand. the lack of interest in school kicked in after his grades began dropping

it wasnt a good time, not a good thing to witness. eventually he passed purely on all nighters full of cramming before exams

all his quidditch playing friends struggled to get above average in their grades, no matter how enthusiastic they were about learning and magic

how did you, who was on par with their skill, manage to follow so closely behind him whilst studying?

of course, he was prefect, but that consisted of simply once a week meetings and helping younger students with school related things. sometimes an odd counselling session here and there and some advice on how to handle situations

but that took up rarely any of his time

not nearly as much as quidditch would

he felt sort of empty, like he had lost some kind of purpose.

how was he going to deal with this? how was he going to deal with the fact that you were so so so far above him in all ways possible? the one thing he fully applies himself to is now meaningless to him

he wants to be better

“minnie?? the games over. y/ns team won.” hyunjin called from beside him, nudging him with his shoulder

“ah, right.”

hyunjin furrowed his brows at seungmins down attitude but shrugged it off because

it be like that sometimes

ya’know??????

fast forward to one week later and seungmins friends were getting increasingly more worried. why?

his usually immaculate notes were empty, he went straight to bed instead of studying (yet the bags under his eyes were dark and prominent. one of his dormmates reports to jisung that he has been sleeping quite fitfully.), he sat for hours on the weekend in the study hall tapping his quill on the table but his paper remained blank

hell, he hadnt even borrowed a new book from the library after finishing his most recent read

it was at this point jeongin forced hyunjin to confront seungmin about it

“so uh, whats up?”

“huh? oh nothing just chilling.”

“no i mean recently, youre acting odd.”

“o-oh?? (worm)”

“yeah, so you okay??”

“definitely, just busy sorting something out.”

hyunjin smiled and left seungmin be at that

seungmin realised that was the last straw, he was going to do something about how this affected him

so the next day, after classes ended, seungmin made his way to the library. after that he walked down to hagrid’s, their groundskeeper and teacher of magical creatures’, hut. then after that he walked up to the hospital wing.

when he returned to the great hall and jisung asked him where he had been, he just smiled and shook his head

what had be been doing?

volunteering.

volunteering to help at the library and help madam pince 5 nights a week every fortnight, volunteering to help hagrid tend to the animals and feed them and give them exercise every sunday, and finally, volunteering to run errands for madam pomfrey for 5 nights every other week and to tend to small injuries that can be handled with a simple muggle first aid kit if thats what the student would like

anyway once his friends found out what he had done they were very happy!! and confused??

and also worried

seungmin had aways had this habit of overworking himself

,,,,

okay so 3 weeks later he was in the library volunteering

pushing a trolley full of misplaced books up the isle while yawning widely

he thought he was doing pretty well. he was more than confident on the two exams that had passed during the time he spent volunteering n stuff

he walked along, still yawning occasionally, blaming it on the warm cozy feeling of the library late at night

but he jumped as he felt a tap on his shoulder and whipping his head around so fast his neck couldve snapped off

and then he saw you, looking nervous as you twisted your fingers together in front of you

he swore he couldve melted right then and there

wait?????? what???????

“u-uh, hey! um. yeah madam pince she-, she told me to ask you. ask you where to find a b-book that is! ha. haha.”

seungmin watched as your face got red and his heart sorta swelled?????

“oh! u-uh yeah! sure! which book?”

you smiled at him widely, relieved you hadnt asked the wrong person. “magical mediterranean water plants and their properties???”

seungmins heart stuttered

he had never really paid much attention to you before he saw you on the quidditch pitch, thinking of you purely as competition. but recently

god, recently he couldnt stop thinking about you. your face. your smile. your laugh, remembering the rare times you would joke around in class.

was this what it was like to have you smile at him?

he would fetch you 1000 books if he got to see 1000 of those smiles

oh my oh my was his heart beginning to beat faster and faster

“o-okay, uh- follow me?” he turned around quickly and began walking. he’d memorised the library way before volunteering anyway, madam pince getting sick of him asking where books were every second day

he walked up 3 isles and turned right, walking up the middle before tugging out his wand from his robes and softly flourishing his wand

from a high shelf, a black leather book floating down gently, seungmin extended his hand to grab it before passing it to you, cheeks red

“is this it?” seungmin already knew that was the book you were looking for. he read it last term to jog his memory before a herbology test

fUCK THERE WAS A HERBOLOGY TEST COMING UP RIP SEUNGMIN

anyway

“yeah!! seungmin, right? thank you so much.” you shyly smiled at him

“u-uh yeah!! just um, ask me for help if you need it and you see me. y/n, right?” god his brain was a mess

“of course!! well, i’ll see you around yeah??”

seungmin nodded, cheeks getting slightly redder

and with that you walked away, cheeks equally as red as seungmins and hands clasping tightly around the book he got for you

anyway, in the next week you and seungmin sometimes exchanged small smiles and waves but nothing more

you highkey wanted to talk to him but you were too shy so

it was okay bc he was shy too so

but anyway, you had been in your care of magical creatures class, talking to your professor as you attempted to befriend a porlock

(a small horse guardian thing that doesnt quite trust humans)

anyway, simply you got onto the topic of how hagrid could possibly look after all his creatures constantly to which he replied with a smile and

“well theres a ravenclaw boy that helps me now. seungmin. do you know him? he helps me care for all of them every sunday.”

you furrowed your brows, it couldnt possibly be

“kim seungmin?” you questioned

“thats the one!”

you smiled, saying you knew him before getting lost in your own thoughts.

didnt seungmin already volunteer at the library? maybe that was a one time thing. right????

surely he wouldnt be volunteering at two places at once. thats impossible

not with his grades, he couldnt possibly keep up. how much overworking would that be?

you were taking out of you thoughts with a sharp stinging pain on your wrist

you looked down to see your porlock obviously angry and trying to escape the calming hold you had on him

hagrid noticed you gasp and his eyes widened as he saw the blood trickling down your arm

“oh no! are you alright????”

“i’m fine! just got bitten is all.”

“here let me take the porlock, you should get yourself to the hospital wing. the last period bell is gonna go anyway so take your bag too”

you were stunned at your professor being so panicked

“im sorry its just ive filled out three incident reports in the last week”

you laughed, tugging your satchel over your shoulder and holding your wrist with your free hand to stop the bleeding somewhat

you greeted you friends goodbye before climbing up the grassy hill to hogwarts on your way to the hospital wing

as soon as you reached the castle, chimes came loudly from the bell tower above

you groaned, you knew you had quidditch practise in half an hour so you began to speed walk through the halls that were filling quickly with students

reaching the hospital wing you pushed the big oak door open, searching around for madam pomfrey

“excuse me?”

madam pomfrey popped out from behind her desk

“oh! y/l/n! im just about to head out on an emergency. some kid ate sat on a firework from that pesky store. is it serious?”

“uhhhhh, no?? i can patch myself up.” you smiled at the frantic nurse

she nodded and walked passed you, calling out as she rushed through the door in a hurry

“the kits on my desk! and if kim seungmin shows up tell him i dont have anything for him to do!”

you smiled quickly to her before she was gone

wait a minute? seungmin? what would he be doing here???

anyway, you walk up to her desk and drag out the first aid kit

you knew how to use a first aid kit

you were Cultured

anyway you were looking for something to dress your arm, you found a big ol’ dressing with all that sticky shit

bitch yes

anyway as you were struggling to open the dressing up, the gigantic oak door opened suddenly and you almost dropped the dressing you were holding to see a panting seungmin

your eyes widened as he crouched over and spoke

“madam- madam pomfrey im so” large breath in “sorry im late i just-” another pant “a student asked me where vectors office was and-”

he finally stood up, eyes widening when he saw you

“o-oh! y/n? whatre you doing here??”

“uh, porlock.” you replied dumbly. not thinking enough to elaborate bc wow kim seungmin was right there looking gorgeous n shit

“porlock?????? the animal??????” he furrowed his brows

you nodded and suddenly remembered what the nurse had told you

“oh! uh, madam pomfrey is out right now but she said theres um,,, nothing for you to do???” you asked him, sounding unsure to whether or not you heard her correctly

seungmin furrowed his brows “o-oh.”

you looked away, and began fumbling with your dressing and spoke up again “do you help out here too?”

“uhhh. yeah, i do.” he replied somewhat awkwardly

“hagrid said you help him as well. do you get any rest?” you asking, sounding exasperated

but like,,,

low key lmao

“oh uh. yeah i try my best i guess.” he sounded so??? nervous???

“wait! y/n, let me do that. its what im supposed to be doing anyway” seungmin sheepishly says as he walked up to you

oh god what now???????? uh???????? seungmin very possibly touching you and being that close??????? uh??? a bitch is scared for their health but shhhhh

“n-no! its fine!” you mumbled back, suddenly very shy under seungmins gaze

“y/n you cant even get it open, not to mention your arm and hand are still covered in blood.”

he had a point

“oh. right.”

seungmin moved you over to one side of the table as he pulled out a bowl and a washcloth from one of the cabinets next to it.

he mumbled a soft aguamenti, creating water from his wand into the bowl, smiling in accomplishment

then he dipped half of the cloth into the water and wrenched it to get the excess water out

“can i uh- can u have your arm??” he stuttered, suddenly realising how close you were, cheeks dusting pink

you held your arm up for him and he started wiping at the blood on your skin, you didnt actually mind the cool feeling of the water at all.

you decided to use the awkward silence to have a little conversation with him

“why do you volunteer so much?” you questioned

seungmins movements halted for a second before he started cleaning your arm again

“no particular r-reason. i-, i like it?” he replied, not meeting your eyes

“why do you sound so unsure?” your pried, wondering why exactly the question was difficult for him

“im not unsure!” he assured you, taking a glance at your face finally before dumping the cloth in the water because he was done

“alright i guess”

“i uh,” he started whilst ripping open he package to the dressing, “i didnt know you played quidditch.”

you were surprised by this, everyone knew you played quidditch

“oh! really?? i thought it was obvious.”

he began placing the dressing on your wrist, trying to make sure there was no crinkles in the plastic sticky part

(yes i dont know the actual term for it fucking SUE ME)

“ah, i dont really pay attention to quidditch so.”

“oh. how’d you find out then?” you were curious as to how he knew if he barely knew you and didnt even like quidditch

“hwang hyunjin, you might know him, hes in our year. anyway he dragged me out to watch and you were playing so.”

“ah right. hyunjin’s the slytherin right?”

“yup!”

cue: silence

seungmin was smoothing out the dressing on your wrist

“y-your robes...” seungmin started, picking up his wand from the desk and mumbling a short “tergeo”

suddenly your robes grew warm and the blood siphoned off of them cleanly into seungmins wand

you were now comfortably warn in your robes as you went to pull your sleeve down before seungmin stopped you gently with his hand, checking the dressing was on properly one last time

you shivered at the feeling of his cold fingers, and decided to return the favour of hhim helping you

pulling out your wand, you muttered a soft incantation of a heat charm, pointing your wand over seungmins hands that adorned a pink hue due to the cold of the water earlier

“oh my god thank you” seungmin practically groaned, rubbing his hands together in front of your wand

you laughed quietly at him, finding his satisfaction amusing before he looked up to your face and realised, blushing a deep shade of pink

okay imma keep it real with you chief

you liked seungmin a lot

idk he just??? made you feel so giddy. your stomach like,,, dipped when he smiled at you n stuff

i mean you werent the only one,, there were heaps of people in your year that fawned over the smart boy. hard-workers are always the most popular like come on

but you sorta just knew there was no chance between the two of you and you were perfectly happy being friends with the boy. his friends always hyped him up a bunch like he was some kind of god

you definitely agreed he was good company, even when you two werent necessarily comfortable around each other yet

but anyway, seeing him standing there blushing in front of you made you uwu SO HARD

and you were glad he knew you from something you loved, that being quidditch

wait

fuCK QUIDDITCH PRACTISE YOU ALMOST FORGOT

“seungmin!! im so sorry i have to go!! i have inter house practise!!”

seungmin’s eyes widened a little

i mean yeah you had to go to practise but like also

that was the first time???????? you’d said his name to him???????? excluding the time you asked him if it was in fact his name but like

oh my god seungmins blush got even darker because he didnt know he could like how someone said his name but he definitely likes him name 20 times more when youre saying it and and youre smiling and running out of the infirmary and waving to him and its all too much like his heart rn??? dead. his brain??? he doesnt know her, it turned to mush

seungmin walked over to one of the beds in the hospital wing and sat down, sighing

he was so fucked

,,,,,,,,

“you’re friends with kim seungmin right?” you questioned jisung as you waited for the rest of the schools quidditch players to exit the change rooms

“yeah!! we’re close actually. why?”

jisung was always so excitable and held such confidence in everything he did, he was comfortable to talk to

“oh nothing, i just ran into him at the hospital wing is all”

“hospital wing? he’s still volunteering there??”

you furrowed your brows, “yeah??? is something wrong????”

jisung sighed, scuffing his boot along the grass of the slowly filling pitch and tossing his bat up into the air before catching it nonchalantly (imagine being That Cool)

“yeah. he’s been overworking himself way too much lately. he used to only focus on studying but he’s trying to fit in all this helping staff out and he looks so tired all the time.”

looking back you do remember seungmins hair being a bit more dishevelled than usual, and under his eyes was a little bit darker

“why though? i mean its nice he is but like, he doesnt need to?”

jisung nods thoroughly at you

“thats what we all said! he wont tell us why he’s had this sudden change in heart though.” jisung pouted and you laughed lightheartedly at him

“oh well, he’ll come around right?”

,,,,

he didnt

its been 3 weeks since your conversation with jisung and you can guarantee seungmin was overworking himself to the max

he came into astronomy studies late and ended up falling asleep the other day. it was one of the easier classes to fall asleep in of course due to the whole jinxing the ceiling to look like a nights sky in a dark room n stuff but like still

seungmin never was late to class

seungmin never fell asleep in class

lately youve noticed him turning up to morning classes barely on time, tie askew and hair a complete mess

you’d find it cute if you werent worried for his health

okay you did find it cute but YoU weRe sTiLL WoRRieD

anyway, so it was one day in herbology theory when he fell asleep again

sprout wasnt too happy but let him sleep anyway bc like. if you can sleep through her basically screaming explanations to the class due to her half deafness than yeah, you probably needed it

at the end of the class you packed your things and saw seungmin still peacefully sleeping at his desk and you frowned lightly

so you decided to let him sleep but you sat at your table for a while, using spare parchment and a scribing spell to copy your notes for him

after it was completed, you left it on the table next to him with a bottle of pumpkin juice you were saving for later, your eyebrows still furrowed

why was he overworking himself?

sighing, you just left, deciding it was creepy to be there for so long

anyway, that night you went to the library to find a book you needed for your ancient runes course test

you didnt really expect anyone to be there so late (it was almost curfew, you were forgetful)

and it sorta slipped your mind that seungmin volunteered there until

“need help?”

holy fUCK he scared you like boy you cant go sneakin up on people in an almost empty library and speak loudly like that

anyway so you violently flinched away and he started laughing whilst apologising profusely

you smiled bc he was cute adalsfafrfpi;fef seungmin omg stop

but yeah once he was done, he reiterated “sorry, but is there any book youre looking for?”

“uhhhhh yeah, ancient runes made easy??” you sorta felt dumb saying it out loud but oh well, you needed to pass this test

“follow me then!” seungmin led you out of the tall shelves confines to the middle corridor before delving into another set of shelves, this time he didnt pull out his wand to get the book down, instead he simply reached up and plucked it from the shelf

“here you go!” he handed it to you, it was indeed the book you were looking for and it was in mint condition. not surprising as basically no one took the ancient runes elective rip

you mumbled a thanks, cheeks sorta going a bit red as you stared at your feet because like

kim seungmin

(thats a phat mood btw)

“oh! i almost forgot!” seungmin started, dipping his head down a bit to try and catch your eyes. when you looked up, he smiled

“uh, thanks for what you did today. you know, the notes a-and the pumpkin juice and stuff.”

you watched seungmins cheeks get pinker as he went on

you were full on uwuing at this point

“its okay! really!” you blurted out like omgkimseungministhankingme

suddenly it fell into an almost awkward silence between the two of you

shoes shuffling on the ground and cheeks red

“um, what do you need help with in ancient runes? im all caught up. i could explain something if you want?”

and thats how you ended up on one of the large library tables after curfew with special permission from madam pince

seungmin legit took 15 minutes to explain some stuff to you but now yall were just chillin (in cedar rapids)

you began talking about nothing in particular really

seungmin asked about your quidditch, you asked about his volunteering which he brushed off almost immediately

seungmin and you felt like time didnt exist as you kept talking and talking

you subconsciously moved closer to each other until your thighs were touching

seungmins speech had slowed into a comforting lazy slurring of words, his voice getting heavier with the need for sleep. you felt the same though

his eyes stayed intently on you, even with his cheek in his hand as the conversation slowed to a pleasant silence

you yawned, a hand coming to your face. you knew you should go to bed but you didnt really want to at this point

you looked at seungmin to see him softly smiling at you and your heartbeat picked up. your obvious feelings for him going crazy

“youre really pretty y/n” he mumbled lowly, you almost didnt hear him

of how you wished you didnt hear him because now you were a mess, heart thumping in your chest and red creeping up your neck to your face

how do you reply to that? you were stumped for words honestly

seungmin didnt seem to mind though as he smiled wider, sitting up straight and stretching his arms over his head

“wait here, ill go put out the lamps and we can walk back”

you barely nodded, face still red as seungmin climbed from his seat to wander around, blowing out the candles lighting the library

on your walk back, it was silent. it was comfortable though and seungmin didnt seem to mind your lack of response to his compliment that still had your mind reeling

seungmin waved bye to you as you parted ways, smiles on your faces

seungmin didnt study when he got into his dorm room, falling face first onto his bed and falling into a deep sleep almost immediately

,,,,

waking up, seungmin first realised he was late, only 30 minutes of breakfast left

and then, the memories of seeing you last night flooded it

mid throwing his covers off of his body, he groaned loudly, how on earth had he said that

his cheeks got red just thinking about it

this was a crisis. he dragged on his uniform and grabbed his satchel and sprinted the whole way to the great hall

once he made it, he spotted his friends at the hufflepuff table and dashed to them

“i have a problem”

jisung, hyunjin and jeongin looked up towards seungmin

“what is it?” jeongin asked, eyes lighting up with curiosity. oh did he love seeing his friends suffer

“so i was in the library with y/n last night”

“waiT Y/N THE ONE YOU” hyunjin started before jisung harshly elbowed him in the side

seungmin loves jisung

“yes, shut up hyunjin. anyway i was really tired and not thinking straight and i called them pretty and they didnt even respond im so ashamed”

jeongin started laughing, hyunjin smiling along whilst rubbing the sore spot of his side

seungmin groans and stomps his foot, not happy with the lack of support from his friends

jisung tosses him a sympathetic look, “your problem man, i cant really help.”

seungmin pouts but sits down to eat anyway

,,,,,

okay so its been 3 days and seungmins worried

like seriously

whenever he tries to talk to you your eyes just widen and you walk to other way before he can even get a word out

whenever he passes you in class or in the hallways, he prepares a smile only to be met with you ducking your head to look at the ground as you speed past him

his small waves in class seemingly go unnoticed

but he knows you dont hate him

how? simple. youre still leaving him notes and treats every time he falls asleep in class

so what does he do? like any other desperately in need boy he hatches a plan.

today last period you both share astrology. he’s simply fake falling asleep and confront you whilst you left him the classes notes

seungmins game plan didnt really work tho bc he actually fell asleep like a dumbass

it was last period astrology and seungmin was lying on his books, passed out

the bell rang and you went through your normal routine, copying your notes which included your immaculately drawn sketches of the constellations you’d studied that day

you waked over to his desk and placed them next to his head, the corner of a page accidentally bushing his nose and you like,,, froze

bc he twitched and scrunched his nose up which wouldve been so cute if you werent terrified of him waking up

you put down a cauldron cake as well once he went back to looking peaceful and frowned bc

“seungmin why don’t you rest more?” you whispered

he exhaled deeply in his sleep and a piece of hair fell into his face, subconsciously you went to brush it away and carded your fingers ever so lightly through his hair

but then you halted bc like

wtf thats super creepy

you quickly turned to leave b-but uwu cliche

seungmin grabbed at your wrist yO SEUNGMINS DAINTY ASS FINGERS CURLING THEMSELVES AROUND YOUR WRIST IMAGINE

anyway

you squeaked and turned back around bc wtf it scared you

and seungmin was just sitting up now, arm outstretched grabbing onto yours, eyes wide and hair a fucking cute mess

you were like uhhhhhhhashlfbfkacbsdcbigev

“uh, dont run away, please?” seungmin said, super duper shyly aw hes so CUTE

you like just,,,, shakily nodded at him

seungmin smiled lightly and let go of you, climbing out of his set in lightning speed to stand in front of you

“i uh-, i just wanted to ask why you’ve been avoiding m-me i guess” seungmin started and you cringed

bc this was hella awkward like no

seungmin cut you off before you could say anything tho with a

“bc like if its because i called you pretty and stuff im so so so sorry i didnt mean to make you uncomfortable at all and i feel really bad bc i shouldnt have said it and i was really tired and my judgement wasnt the best and i accidentally made things awkward between us and i dont want that and i just feel really really bad like you dont even have to forgive me or anything i swear”

he said all that in like, under 15 seconds. eminem who???

anyway your eyes just went wide as you processed his words n n you lowkey got a bit emo when he said he said it bc he was tired n stuff n just :^((

“why dont you get enough rest seungmin?” you said blankly

“w-what?” seungmins heart rate SKY ROCKETED

“why dont you get enough rest?”

“uh-, i just um,,, i do get e-enough rest!” he was like, nervously laughing

“no you dont, you fall asleep in 40 percent of your classes.”

“i-, i uh-” “why can’t you tell me??” you questioned, eyebrows furrowing at his anxiousness towards the question

“its uh-, its sorta embarrassing” he replied, looking ANYWHERE but your eyes

“is it bad? did you get into trouble or something?”

“nO! god no!”

“then it doesnt sound that bad to me.” oooh go y/n hold ur ground bub

“uhhhh” seungmin sighed, defeated “okay ill tell you.” you just hummed in response and waited patiently

he exhaled loudly and stared blatanly at your feet before beginning

“i uh. you play quidditch really well and- and you also get near all my scores on tests and stuff and i just felt. idk, dumb or something so i wanted to prove to myself that i could do extra curricular sort of stuff like volunteering and still g-get top scores i guess.”

once he finished he looked into your eyes and you were like ????? what the fuck

you were so confused,,, he was volunteering bc you played quidditch and got good scores???

“seungmin i dont work nearly as hard as you do”

his eyes widened “what do you mean! yes you do! you’re like, on par with jisung and he practises religiously!”

you laughed a little and seungmin furrowed his brows

“seungmin, jisung is muggleborn. whereas my older sister is captain of the tutshill tornados. i dont need to train that hard in quidditch” oh seungmin

the pooor boy

after you made that comment seungmins face just went BRIGHT red lmao

“uhhhhh,,, uh,, uhhh” he didnt know what to say

“anyway seungmin, i suggest you take a break and get some rest so you dont keep saying things accidentally” you said, adjusting your satchel strap on your shoulder and preparing to leave

“what?? acidentally???” seungmin said, preventing you from leaving “you don’t mean me calling you pretty right bc like. i meant that” okay but how was seungmin now so confident especially when he said that

“w-what?” you said, red going ALL over your face lmao like everywhere

“i meant it when i called you pretty i just. i know there was a better time to say it probably” seungmin started getting shyer now like his ears going red he was so cute

‘you think im pretty????????” you were so confused like. kim seungmin?? the kim seungin? thinking youre pretty??? you discreetly pinched yourself, checking this wasnt a dream

“d-dont say it so forwardly like that!” seungmin exclaimed

“you said it forwardly first!” you laughed back at him, ngl you were feeling a little giddy

seungmin just sorta sunk back into himself, feelin super duper shy

your face got even more red as words tumbled out of your mouth before your common sense could stop you

“f-for the record, i-, i think you’re pretty too”

oh my GOD

1) y/n sweetie thank you for telling seungmin this for all of us

2) yoU JUST CALLED SEUNGMIN PRETTY AND NOW HIS EYES WERE WIDE AS FUCK

HE SQUEAKED

HE MCFRICKIN SQUEAKED CAN YALL IMAGINE

he brought a hand up to his mouth in surprise and by this point you were like

too shy to do anything lmfao

so you sorta just looked down at your shoes bc wow all of a sudden your black leather school shoes were immensely and intricately beautiful

not

anyway there was a bit of silence as seungmin regained composure and you were way to embarrassed to say anything at all

but then

but thEN

get ready omg

you dont even notice but suddenly seungmins right in front of you and he’s leaning toward your face and and hes

hes kissED YOUR CHEEK

oh my GOD his cute ass lips just came in contact with your cheek, as quick as lightning but of my god it was worth it

your head whipped up and you gasped

seungmin stood there with an inCREDibly nervous look on his face and his eyes prompting you to respond

like,,,, in any way. pls y/n do something

your mind was fuzzy and the low swooping feeling in your stomach compelled you as you stepped impossibly closer to seungmin, yours and his cheeks radiating a magnificently bright red glow

and you kissed him

thanks again y/n for doing the world a good deed

you sorta squeaked afterwards and went to leap back bc seungmins face was suddenly too close and you were embarrassed and nervous and and

oh my god your heart was beating louder than ever jesus

but before you could leap back, seungmin was wrapping his arms tightly around you, hugging your body and preventing you from distancing yourself from him

his breathing was rapid as his mouth found home near your ear to stutter out a question that would make you squeal if it werent for the fear your legs might give out

“w-wanna go on a-, a date with me? maybe?”

as soon as seungmin felt you nod against him (you didnt trust your voice rn lmao) he smiled, easing into the hug more and essentially melting his heart with yours

uwu

hope you liked it!!!

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jul-bilant · 5 years

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Prince!Seungcheol

prince seungcheol

he was always the buzz around the whole kingdom *i mean y wouldnt he?? have you sEEN the guy????*

he’s always going around town, supervising incase any dumbass decided to sell drugs around the block or smth

(he once caught one and he didnt kno seungcheol was the prince and offered him marijuana and got arrested bc of tht and bc seungcheol got offended lmao)

and whenever he passes by, theres always gonna be some thirstyass girls staring at him like

“oMF SAMANTHA ITS PRINCE SEUNGCHEOL”

“SHUT UP JESS HE’S GONNA HEAR YOU DIMWIT”

or like

*runs up to him* “cAN I BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND??”

and tbh seungcheol just deadass rejects her but like,,, politely bc pRINCE MANNERS

and thats why he has two bodyguards with him at all times outside the palace now

anyways;;; prince seungcheol’s rlly rlly rLLY polite and well-mannered

he’s also a smart boi like

8 yr old seungcheol can solve 10th grade algebra, write a whole 10+ paged essay abt cytology and find the cure for cancer

kidding lol *nOT*

but srsly, this boi is smarter than yo algebra teachers like bi h

and he’s also sort of leader-like, so people already know he’ll be a great king one day

but he also has a kind heart and cares for everyone he loves and the whole kingdom

a 5 yr old girl once tripped over a rock infront of him and he took her to a bench, bought a bandage and aided her scraped knee ;-;

you can tell im soft for seungcheol hhhh

anyways, he’s been stressing out for a while because his coronation as king is nearing and it’s in a few months since his father died a year ago

and he needs to find a suitable partner

thats where you come in

you’re a maid in the palace

the maids have a thing where they check on seungcheol every two or three hours to see if he’s hungry, needs smth, or anything like tht

and this time, you were assigned to check on him

tbh you’ve never been assigned because it’s always the head maid that checks on him or that one maid thats always been the head maid’s fave

but not today

it was 10 pm and you went to see if seungcheol needed anything so you go to his study room

but before you knock, you hear something from inside his study room

it sounds like crying

and you know for a fact that thats seungcheol’s voice thats crying

you were at a loss of what to do, so it took you a while to do anything, but you decided to go down and tell the chefs that he was hungry just so you could bring him his favourite food to cheer him up

when you went back to the study room, you knocked

but he didn’t answer

it was quiet now, no more sobbing

so you opened the door

and saw seungcheol with his head down on the desk

you quietly wheeled the food towards his study table and put the tray on the other desk near the couch

you carefully approached seungcheol out of curiosity

his cheeks were stained with dried tears, but other than that, he still looked as handsome as ever

you grew concerned and took of the blankets from the bigass closet near the prince’s room and draped it over him

i mean, you were already there so why not lol

the next morning, seungcheol awoke to the smell food and a blanket around him

he grew confused but shrugged it off, he expected one of the maids to do these things

but he smiled knowing someone cares

meanwhile, the head maid came up to you and told you that you’ll be the maid who’ll regularly check up on seungcheol from now on since she was, quote-on-quote, “busy”, and her favourite maid had to retire for god knows what

you didn’t know why but you felt a sense of happiness and anxiety at the same time

so in the afternoon, you go to check on seungcheol as he’s in the study room, sorting out papers

when you enter the room after knocking, seungcheol kinda stares at you

not in the bad, offending way, nah m8

but like

‘holy shit this woman looks better than a grilled cheese sandwich’

which roughly translates to “prince seungcheol is making googly-eyes at maid y/n” ty v much

and he blushed a bit but hid it well when you approached him

“good afternoon, prince seungcheol.. i am maid y/n, i’ll be the new maid who’ll check on you from time to time from now on..” you inform him

he smiles

s m i l e s

“thank you for informing me, miss y/n,” he replied

“may i ask you a small favor?”

you were like

‘w8 boi whut-’

but you just replied with an “ok”

“please tell the maid who draped a blanket over me and brought me food last night 'thank you’, and tell her it’s from me.” he smiled

you contemplated on telling him whether or not it was you,

which would be odd for other people, since they would of cOURSE take the chance and say that they did

but you had a sense of not taking credibility in most cases bc you like being humble and shiet so you nod and telling him you’ll inform her

“thank you, it means a lot to me..” seungcheol smiles

a few months after, you hear his royal adviser, which no one rlly likes tbh (tht includes seungcheol), scolding him because he has yet to find a partner

so you go check on him in his bedroom after knocking, and he let you in

you two had, undoubtedly, grown close

which is weird bc he doesnt really make friends w/ workers in the palace, much less be best friends with them

but thats what happened

he basically tells you everything from his dreams, to when his father passed, to how his cat scratched the curtain of the theatre room and etc.

so naturally, you started liking him

but of course, why’d the prince like a maid like you????

yall were just best friends

(like any other ff pfft)

you sat down on his bed, a concerned look on your face as he was on the verge of tears

“whats wrong?” you asked, even if you already knew what dampened his mood

“Mr. Song is pressuring me into getting married again, but this time he told me other things..”

you watch as a tear or two falls from his eyes

its really painful to watch him cry

“its okay… you dont have to tell me if you dont want to..” you reassured seungcheol but he just shakes his head

“no.. i think you deserve to know”

and he told you about how his adviser called him a worthless prince for not being able to even court a girl, telling him that if he was this indecisive, the kingdom would fall, and other hurtful things like that

at this point, he was crying the whole waterfall somewhere in the deep woods near the kingdom

“cheol.. i’m sorry you had to endure that…”

without thinking, you gently pulled him into your arms, pulling him into a warm hug

both of you were surprised, but didn’t waver away from the hug

for a second you thought 'omf why the fu c k did i do that’

but you just shook the thought away, telling yourself that your best friend is in emotional pain and you did that for moral support

(which wasnt the only reason but you wanted to deny the others hhh)

but seungcheol on the other hand was lo si n g his shit

on the inside, of course

he’s like 'omg omg omg she’s hugging me mOM-’

but thats where it dawned on him

he likes you

the next day, you knocked on the door of his study room

but it was silent, just like that one night when he cried himself to sleep

so you opened the door,

but he wasnt there

you panicked a little, thinking about where on palace grounds he couldve gone to

so you checked his bedroom, the kitchen, the theatre room, the throne room, the royal gardens, everywhere

but aside from finding his cat scratching the theatre room curtains, they were all empty

you asked the head maid where he was and she answered you with a shocked expression before replying

“you mean to tell me you didn’t know he was in the neighboring kingdom, meeting up with his arranged fiancee?”

fiancee

arranged or not, it still hurt to know that he was with the woman who he was going to marry

and that was not you

the head maid gave you the day off, since seungcheol wasnt here for the day

you dressed casually, a white, plain, sleeveless dress that goes to your knees, instead of the regular, convervative, longsleeved maid uniform you were obliged to wear when you had work

you took a walk around the palace grounds, eventaully stopping when you reach the rooftop balcony

the moon was already making an appearance, the night ready to take over the sky

you stay there for the time being, finding the night sky, stars and a few blobs of clouds enticing to the human eye

moments later, you find yourself holding back tears

you let out a few stray tears drip down your cheeks as you sniff, not bothering to wipe them away

you were surprised when a blanket was wrapped around you, and a familiar pair of arms pulling into a hug

“its cold, you shouldn’t be out here at this ti- ….why are you crying?” you heard him voice out the last part in a soft whisper, contrasting his normal tone of speech like how he talked a few moments ago

“n-nothing… its dumb..” you tell him, dismissively

but he wasnt having it

“come on, i’ll listen to you.. tell me whats bothering you to the point where you’re crying..” seungcheol wiped a few of your tears away

“i’ll be fine, cheol.. and.. aren’t you supposed to be in the neighboring kingdom until tomorrow?..” you asked

“yes.. but there was no reason to stay if i rejected the marriage.”

what

w h a t

“you- what?!” you turned to him, dumbfounded

he chuckled

“yeah, i rejected the marriage. i have my eyes on another girl..” he confessed, not breaking the eye contact you both shared

“…quite literally..” he grinned

“she was there for me through everything, comforted me at the toughest of times, and brought me food and a blanket when i fell asleep at my study room..”

so he knew

you blushed, knowing exactly what he meant

he approached you slowly, and once he had you in his field of reach, he cupped your face and pulled you closer to him

“would you…” he paused

“…marry me?”

you smiled a gentle, assuring smile

“..of course.”

and in a fit of smiles and small laughs, seungcheol kissed you

#seventeen #imagines #scenarios #prince!au #seungcheol #s.coups #fluff #royal!au #royalty!au #choi seungcheol

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ismellvinegarandfries · 5 years

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I dont really talk but, let’s talk about college, entrance exams, denial and responsibilities

So I recently applied for college and thankfully got accepted, the exams gave me a three day coma and on top of that I moved from one country to another bringing with me schoolworks that I needed to handle on air, land, sea and on family outings that drained me so much.

But anyway, I took the exam and waited for the results. It came out and I was points away from the required score.

I was on a status that required me to prove myself, but hold up. Mind you, we are new to our surroundings and our relatives didnt even had the slightest clue on what the hell we were supposed to do.

It was stressful enough and I had this heavy feeling in my chest that, shit I failed myself and my plans. They didnt accept anymore students who had the same case as I have and that I shouldve been earlier.

This is a situation to blame ourselves, but the fact that I sent out emails that inquired some sort of ‘consideration’, way back before the new year and when I wasnt in the country where the school is. Way back even when the school was remotely busy to accept newcomers.

Facebook, google mail, yahoo mail.

No reply.

Four messages about what could be done about me being a late comer, because Im outside of the country and one urgent email about the date that is available and when I would arrive to the email they presented on the website.

No reply.

I later find out that those emails werent even updated, so I sent my concern to those emails too, and their contact number was probably not even working.

Relatives were busy at their own lives that we could forgive, they had rough too or maybe they just did things not the way we wanted it to be. But it was for the better if it were to familliarize me and ask and shed blood, sweat, and tears to make it all worth it.

Went to the school and their clerks would say ‘sorry we dont know, please proceed to the department instead’, we then go there and find out that the department is always deserted and the faculties werent really open to visitors. People werent there or maybe we just had bad timing.

We went for another time, this time earlier and fresh for the day. Im particularly nervous and I thought my exhaustion would finally be replaced by joy, but then;

'Please come back on xxx-xxx, were busy’

No information and details and to what it was online, no warning or notice put on their website. Not even the clerk knew of it or even warned us days before and surely not just minutes ago after asking about what we could do for my case.

I was beyond frustrated and just out of motivation, we asked what we could out of the clerk. But it always lead to a 'we dont know’, I begged my mother whom was with me most of the time since she knew the place better than I did, I begged her to inquire more and arrange things (I wasnt fluent in the language of the place we were in, but I could understand them)

Alas, we were always left confused and unsatisfied and my mother was catching cold and allergies from commuting and the processes we had to go through. For myself, I was fighting adjustment, knowing as much as I can about the school and its standard, and I was juggling the responsibilities I left. A thesis and multiple other exams.

I couldnt sleep, but definitely woke up to the email that I was up for an interview and was going to be considered. I thought I could take the challenge, I need to prove myself.

But then, the date of the supposed arrangement was wrong for me to be qualified.

Thats when I thought, maybe I should start worrying.

We waited for two twenty four hours for a reply from an email I sent, for a clearer arrangement (we couldve gone but it was later revealed that the day I sent the email and the day after that they werent available, they didnt put not a single notice online about this)

And I was right, I was going to enroll and the person who was absolutely so nice and kind broke the news to us that I wasnt no longer going to be considered.

It hurts, it weighed down what I felt much more. The rush we went through to move out of where I was born to catch the entrance exams, our responsibilities that were left but had to resolve while travelling. The schoolworks I had to do because my classmates trusted me and my teachers were proud of. I needed to study while I had jetlag, while I chucked jackets in my bag, while I did an essay, and wake up at five to work harder because I had to leave early.

It was so disheartening, I wasnt able to study well because of the pressure of catching the right date to leave. And also because my parents couldnt afford residency there anymore, we needed to exit and throw our things in boxes and whatever we could.

The feeling of being a failure and not smart enough to know these things in order for me to be still considered. The chances and the promise of good education, it was so painful.

All because no reply came back to me.

#college #college rejection #college decisions #challenges #college applicant #senior #college application #nobody was there to guide because they were always reluctant and had no idea as always like??#where the hell are we gonna get help were not sherlock holmes??#it posted #school

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zhuhongs · 4 years

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Hi can read mores pls fucking WORK

I always hate my birthday but i rlly think imma spend this birthday at the most mundane its ever been. Like not on par with the miserable ness and boringness of my 16 or 17th birthday (i forget) where i didnt tell anyone so and it was finals so i didnt see anyone and i didnt have any friends rlly so i went thru the day miserably and took my finals and then was stuck at my brothers fmwork for a few hours bc no one could drive me home and then had dinner with my family and my parents fought the entire dinner and the way home and i just cried a lot and yea. Idk im just going thru it for absolutely No Reason. But idk i just feel awful and incapable of feeling or receiving love and thats okay but like..is it?

But also i’ve like.. come to terms with the fact that i don’t like asking for people to care about me and that no matter how alone i feel i will ultimately be fine. Of course its always better to be surrounded by ppl that care abt u but I know im fine by myself no matter how sad it can be at times/ I don’t think i’ll be miserable in the sense of like “wow no one cares about me” but more in the sense that i’m angry of what couldve been. bc i was supposed to be in Japan studying abroad right now. Bc i was supposed to spend my 20th getting shitfaced in a gay bar in shinjuku. I was supposed to be truly alone and free for one in my life with no one from my past to tie my down. But instead i’ll spend the day rather boring. I’ll probably have work and thats okay, i’ll just be living and thats okay!! but it is kinda sad but thats also okay!!

#if u read this i'd like to preface by saying I'm FINE

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jess-oh · 5 years

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reflection

hey journal,

im not fine. but im trying to be. or at least trying to pretend that im fine.

im surprisingly good at pretending im fine when im not. the reality is, i still feel so miserable. i tried to just drown my sorrows away in the form of food and YouTube videos and i am left feeling just as empty as I did on Saturday. Listening to, “I’m Fine” over and over and over has allowed me to at least try and convince myself that im fine.

i am upset with Amanda but it’s not because of anything she did wrong so i dont want to tell her why. im trying to protect the people i care about. i know im being irrational and just overthinking all of this and i just need to solve it and get over it to preserve my image and be of the utmost help for other people.

i dont want to tell jason how im feeling bc im worried he’ll just get mad and i know ive been too reliant on him in the past and i feel bad that i wasnt able to help him in the same way. i was sad he got more letters than me in his journal? well hes also just a better person than me. a part of me feels like i deserve the same amount, if not more letters than him because i put so much more effort into movement than he did. he never came out to the bible studies or prayer meetings and missed a whole bunch of sundays and i did my best to come out to every sunday and saturday and have been active on tuesdays. i feel like i do and sacrifice so much for movement but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

i feel really broken and i dont know why.

but ultimately, i know jason did better than me. bc he actually genuinely cared. i was just trying to prove i was worth something. i didnt act out of care. i acted out of pride. and people knew. their job isnt to reach out to me and give me a pat on the back for all the things ive done. their job has been to receive and act naturally in accordance with how God wants them to live. and i havent encouraged them. ive judged them. did i even do anything worthwhile this past year besides just leeching off other people? was i just a shitty person entirely?

im fine.

even when jason did feel down in the dumps, he still did care for them. i didnt. i just pushed people away.

i tried to be transparent and open and for what?

i think it encouraged joyce to speak up a couple times maybe. and i am glad david prayed for me. but as a whole, did i really ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile? or was it just all for show to make myself feel better.

i feel like im losing amanda.

i dont want her to feel bad for me or reach out to me just because she can. i want to actually be loved and cared for and i dont believe she does feel that way towards me anymore. i feel like ive been left behind. again.

and i know this was never her intention and i do genuinely want her to be happy which is why im journaling about all this instead of telling her how i feel. because i dont want her to feel guilty for the choices she made and i do genuinely want her to be happy. i know that she has been quietly suffering for a long time now and i do really want her to get better and if she is encouraged and challenged to do that through Johnathan, then so be it. I would rather she get help, even if it isnt from me. i do really care for her and love her and i want to write her and the rest of the MAST members a letter soon but i cant think super clearly right now.

i just keep beating myself up over and over and over for the things that i couldve done better. i couldve been a better friend. i couldve been more open. more attentive. more caring. more understanding. more open-minded. but i didnt.

and i guess the only thing to do from here is move on and look forward and figure out what i can do better.

i want to know what i can do better and the areas in which i fell short but im also so scared of finding out bc i already hate myself so much anyway and being told what i failed at would only add to this already heavy burden.

im fine.

i also just feel really bad because i feel like im taking such a huge step back by pushing people away and isolating myself. i know i have grown a lot this past year and i have been able to become more trusting of those around me and it has been really nice to know that i am cared for and loved by others. and in acting like how i am now, im worried pjosh and other people wont be proud of me anymore or the ways that i have grown.

have i even really grown at all? or was i always just forcing myself to make a different choice but now im just reverting back to how i naturally handle things? i dont want to disappoint them. i dont want to seem like a failure.

and God, i want to rely on you. I really do. But I can’t. Because at the end of the day, as much as I want to believe you and trust you and your pain, I really can’t understand why you’ve let me be in and put me through so much suffering and for so long. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I can’t handle it on my own anymore. I really can’t. It’s consuming me from the inside out.

i really want to call amanda and just clear everything up with her and be honest with her but i also dont want to hurt her. i know i can be too open and share too much and i dont want people to think something is mentally wrong with me bc that just means people will always look at me differently and pity me and never actually see me as human and i dont want that.

when i asked amanda what we should do with our small group and proposed hanging out in evanston instead, i was hesitant to ask at all because i knew what the “right” move to make was and wasnt sure if we should just opt for the easier route so more people could come.

and i was worried she would just say it’d be better for more people to come so we should just all meet in evanston instead. i was surprised when she actually mentioned how the original agreement was to meet in chinatown so thats what she wanted to do. and with that, i pushed for chinatown again and was thoroughly surprised when david actually decided to come through and travel with us. and i was really happy we all got to spend that time together. it was only once and i was so discouraged everyone bailed last minute. but the fact seoyeon and david did come was really heartwarming and encouraging to me. and it was for her too. our kids are growing up.

im also salty that a good handful of our members wished for more small group outings. which, i understand. but, i feel like theyre discrediting the fact that amanda and i really tried to plan outings but things fell apart bc of their schedules a lot of the time. whether it was bc people backed out last minute or we couldnt find a time when we were all free or people half hearted committed but flaked out when the time actually came closer and didnt took it as seriously. i get that other groups, especially p. josh’s, had more hangouts and i am genuinely happy for them. and maybe our group wanted to have more fun times like that.

was i just too serious this past year? and i didnt have as much fun as amanda? i always perceived her non-seriousness as a bad thing bc i thought she was just using it as a front to cover how much pain she was actually in. when she cried with me and actually shared her fears and insecurities, i felt how genuine that was. her normal “fake” personality didnt seem genuine to me. but maybe i was wrong. she does seem genuinely happy now. and im happy for her too.

i know i have a big mouth and have spoken when it wasnt my place to and i am getting better at managing it. i just didnt realize shutting my mouth would hurt me so much.

everytime jason has given me one of these “talks” on what i can work on, i end up feeling more hurt than challenged to do better. and i am actively trying to work on everything he told me to do and i know he told me out of a place of care. but now i just feel so paranoid that i am constantly being judged and messing up in ways that im not even aware of. and it sucks.

but i also dont want jason to not tell me ways i can improve bc i do genuinely want to know and how to grow and get better.

i had the opportunity to go to northwestern and hangout with familiar people again yesterday but i didnt go. because i was afraid of seeing amanda and johnathan there. and i was afraid of feeling left out.

even though i didnt know anyone on the softball team and i was the only college student there, it was so much easier for me to be happy with them. i made friends and i didnt care what i said or how i was being perceived. i just did my best to boost our team’s morale and cheer everyone on and that made me feel genuinely better. even if it was just for a few hours. i didnt care how i acted and chances are, i wouldnt interact or even see them ever again. or at least not for a while. but with the college kids, i dont understand why it’s so hard for me to be real with them. i am so much more afraid of being judged and gossiped about bc i know i have to keep working with them and i will see them again the next sunday. or the next. or the next. or the next.

i got along really with songbee the other day and being friends with her makes me feel like im betraying jason bc i know he doesnt get along with her very well.

i got along really well with jennie lee the other day. why is it so much easier for me to get along with adults? anyway,

we got along really well and i definitely want to keep in contact with her and get to know her better. we joked around a lot and it was fun!

maybe thats why i get along better with the adults. because i have such a surface level friendship with all of them. but with movement, ive been open and vulnerable and i actually have more to lose so im more afraid to be myself.

hm.

but yeah, i just hung out with jenny chang’s family after and i really valued our time together and how much they take care of me. they feel like my picture perfect family that i never had growing up. they’re what i always imagined a family should look like. but mine never fit that description.

#reflection #im not fine #im not even close to okay

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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i feel upset today because there is a continual expectation for me to put myself out for other people and get next to nothing in return as they ask for everything. and if i ask for something, it just goes ignored.

i’m tired of my work being devalued. i’m tired of people just taking it for granted and using it to their own benefit. i felt nothing but anxiety and animosity at the last show our group put on because i was knowingly bullied on more than one occasion by another member and then forced to put on a show with them - and was even questioned why i might pull out my art.

i was going to perform at this event. but as the weeks passed i realized i was putting in more work than anyone else and when i asked for certain things, they were ignored or put off. and yet there was an expectation for me to complete something for them ‘asap’. this made performing for the first time really devalued. like sure, i worked hard to create the event but why? what was the purpose of this? it was never to bring anyone together, it was never to showcase anything but the organizers themselves and the lack of good promotion means the likelihood of selling something at a venue not known for after hours shows and not joining our marketing is pretty low.

i am 27 years old now. i have no fucking desire to put on shitty teen shows that are half assed thrown together with a bunch of my friends. thats not what this is about for me - it lacks a certain amount of organization and class. it lacks a curation in performers. i thought i might be the worst one - and that’d be okay. they cant all be winners. but now it’s just open mic - and if i really wanted to perform at a open mic, i’d go to a real one. if i’m going to do a large amount of the work - outside of meeting with the owner one time and putting up 5 flyers on street poles - i want the results to be worth the work i put in. and IMO it’s not. it’s mediocre and thrown together.

and i feel a personal insult about this because of how much work i put intothe group itself. ive dedicated time on a semi regular basis to all the admin work, the promotion, keeping social media active, posting new submissions, fielding a majority of the questions and i’m not asking for praise - i’m asking for people to respect the work i’ve done. don’t come in and draw on it with magic marker and tell me its acceptable quality when theres folks painting in oils. i dedicated time to create an entity that could be used and harnessed; i ask for the quality of our output to match whats already there.

and i think it’s asinine that i would hve to argue doing better than average. if this is just a hobby or random activity for you - fine. it’s not serious. you’re not serious. none of this matters. but it was presented as serious. it was presented as a showcase of people’s craft. there is no effort into making it somewhere one would wnt to be. we’re all going for the ~decor. we print posters because we want to see our name on a poster in the street - not becuse we’re really advertising an event. it was acceptable that the only people in attendance would be the performers and a few of their friends. acceptable!! that’s an unsuccessful house party, in my opinion.

you know whats missing locally? proper use of social media to network between people. it’s impossible to find other artists in the area unless you scour through obscure hashtags. but yet theres dozens and dozens if not hundreds of artists in the local area. this means you get stuck in one influence and within that influence you may be chastised for going against the “norm” of their influence. instead of new ideas being welcomed, they’re constantly turned down or argued against.

i’ve met all of the people i know through facebook and instagram in my art world. thats a very powerful tool.i know models who only book through instagram. and ive had arguements about the use of hashtags. as if theyre not relevant.

i’m tired of questioning what i know. tht honestly gives me the most anxiety. and its not like im tired of questioning what i do - its healthy to question your actions - but what i know and believe makes me feel unsure of myself and the skills i have. i have had experience working in the creative industries since i was 17, freelancing. and i have a wide variety of skills in graphic design, retouching photos, photography of models & landscapes & products, glamour modeling & product modeling (of which i’ve done for dozens of photographers in the local area), web design & blogging + knowlege of e-commerce platforms, wordpress, seo, promotion & marketing both online & offline, i’ve sold crafts online for almost four years and switched my primary creative tool from artisan crafts to trditional & figure art that i studied & practiced extensively for over two years, i have skills in copywriting & journalism, i have a handle on the basic laws of creative works & how they can be used, basic knowledge in building & selling a brand, communicating with clients & customers (of which i’ve had no complaints in regards to my communication - ive had complaints about shipping because post offices are not so nice), creating organized file systems which can be used by multiple people -- i have paid my dues. i am still growing, absolutely. i am not the best at any of the above things i listed. i could be even better. i could spend two hours today on one of these skills and be better than i am right now. i can always be better.

but just because i can be better doesnt take away from what i know now, what i have learned, what i have studied - like i took the time to study and read up on research and marketing & promotion techniques. a good portion of my first shop was spent reading about how to sell stuff, not so much making stuff to sell. as i did not realize at the time how much work went into being successful online. and i did not realize until my shop closed how i had taken that skill for granted - because i had done all that work & effort, it was able to pull in a few sales a month with little to no effort now. if i worked harder, maybe i couldve been even better.

i also (un)willingly have worked full time as an artist and only an artist for at least two years. this is the “luxury” ive been allowed in life even though i am the definition of starving artist. i didnt have it as a part time job or hobby - it was something i did every single day and i marketed & promoted for hours a day. an acquaintance of mine upon hearing of my mental state now told me that i had gone so hard for so long - and i kind of appreciated that he saw that on the outside. that someone could see that i actully did work incredibly hard. that i was dedicated.. that i AM dedicated.

i’m not saying any of this makes me better thn anyone else or knowing more - it just means i’m experienced. i am very very experienced in not only practicing a craft but marketing that craft to sell, displaying that craft in it’s best light, knowing the best places to sell. i also work in quality over quantity. i am not interested in doing 9 - 10 shows a year. i’m not interested in shitting out 5 - 7 paintings at a time. it means before i touch anything to paper or canvas or wood - i’ve thought about it. i’ve really, really thought about it. i didnt just sit down and throw paint on the canvas. i couldve been thinking of this image for days before i do it. or the craft itself - my bone jewelry came because i absolutely neded to make a necklace out of fish bones i found and they needed vials attached. why? i dont know. but it just needed to be.

when i started the group, i asked about names. i didnt choose a name or dictate the name. i was given a suggestion by someone i actually dont like at all and was given a reson for why he felt it was a good suggestion and i agreed because business-wise it was a good suggestion. i respected that he hd different ideas and experiences that shaped that suggestion that i did not have. i learned through it that i should expand my reach - both in my personal creative life and my ‘business’ creative life.

my ~partner was disappointed i wasn’t going to perform. i could tell it was frustrating and dissappointing to him because i think he thought it wouldve been good for me and that i would hopefully find something in it that would bring me something. and through his disappointment he told me that it wasn’t totally right to drop out of something you planned to do or that peopl expected you to be at.

but i’d like to turn that around - my partner is someone who also puts himself out for others on a regular basis. and for a long, long, long time he was fucked around and fucked over by many people. an old friend came to his door and asked to borrow money and he allowed him to despite knowing he might be a drug addict now. he had no obligation to this person but it was like since he was asked, he should. and i think if he lerned to say no, or learned to walk away from an unhealthy situation, he would be happier as well. i’ve learned first hand the benefit of walking away from something toxic. and you will feel misplaced guilt for a bit, i feel some guilt now but it’s for the best.

i try to think how i can change my perspective on it but i cannot. i wold not walk down the street if this was held in the local gallery, nevermind 20km away. like once i took myself out as a performer i realized i wouldnt even want to go. i dont want to see anyone perform but my partner; who will already be subdued because of the venue. ive been completely taken out of the organization of the event - despite having been continually involved in the promotion and a few conversations since the lst one where i said i didnt want to keep doing this. so ive deleted my advertisement efforts online andi’m just halting any further promotion on my part of this event. i’m 97% sure i’m personally not even going to go. i no longer ant to see half of the people there on a personal level so it’s not even worth going to to hang out and i dont care about displaying my art.

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