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themeatlife · 4 years

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the Meat Life Stay-At-Home Watchlist

Chronicling what I have watched or rewatched through the pandemic so far

The world has changed around us the last few months, particularly in the United States since March 11. With the lack of events to hit up, like most Americans I’ve been catching up on some watching through the various streaming services and my own digital copies of movies and shows.

I didn’t really think of keeping up with what I have been watching until just recently, but here is what I can remember hitting up so far since I’ve spent the majority of the time at home. Some are favorites that I would have watched anyway. Some were unfinished until I got a chance to get back to them. And others just became available.

Here’s what I remember of the watchlist:

The Office (Netfilx) This is a favorite of me and the wife. We watch this on the regular though. My wife uses The Office as her lullaby of sorts, putting it on in the evening as she gets ready for bed and is in bed to fall asleep. I did a post on the 15th anniversary, so I won’t really deep-dive.

Gossip Girl (Netflix) Another one that my wife rotates with The Office as her lullaby. The series is not bad, it’s basically The OC in Manhattan (both are created and developed by Josh Schwartz). It also takes on a new perspective when you think about star Penn Badgley is the creep in You. So Dan Humphrey gets this weird creeper Joe Goldberg vibe at times.

Parks and Recreation (Netflix) I never got into Parks and Rec on its original run. I was encouraged to check it out by some coworkers since I liked The Office. It is a great show, very funny, and poignant in a way. It feels like a throwback to when people could disagree politically and still get along. There is a lot less of that nowadays. We might need more Parks and Rec in real life. I started this right before the pandemic and finished around the beginning of things getting locked down.

Frozen II (Disney+) The sequel debuted on Disney+ early on in the quarantine period. My family enjoyed it. I thought it was entertaining, but I felt like it was weighted down a bit by the mythology explaining. It seemed too busy explaining a lot of things. Still an enjoyable movie, but the first is better.

Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem, and Madness (Netflix) Intriguing. The series debuted early in the quarantine period and became a staple of stay-at-home viewing and a runaway hit. Lots of WTF moments. It was like the train wreck analogy to the Nth degree. But you can tell it was made in a way that leans in favor of Joe Exotic, making him look like a victim in the last couple episodes. Also gave way to memorable memes ever since.

The Rocketeer (Disney+) I haven’t watched this movie since I was a kid. Looking back, you can see a lot of The Rocketeer in Captain America - The First Avenger. Easy to see though, since they share the same director Joe Johnston. Prior to America’s involvement in World War II, a movie star Nazi goes after an experimental rocket pack developed by Howard Hughes. The rocket pack is retrieved by accident from a down on luck stunt pilot. Fun movie.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (Disney+) I should have watched the entire Skywalker saga leading up to it, but I figured I have a ton of time to do that later. This was a May the 4th watch. I haven’t watched the Skywalker saga finale since it was in theaters. It’s not a bad movie, I just feel it could have been a lot better with some modifications here and there. Also, I believe this was going to be the Leia movie. The Force Awakens was Han’s swan song, as was The Last Jedi for Luke. I feel like this would have been great for Leia but obviously they were limited due to the untimely death of Carrie Fisher. The scene where Ren/Ben speaks with Han after battling Rey would have hit harder with Leia instead of Han.

Trolls: World Tour (VOD) Cute kid movie. Was nice to hear a lot of familiar music. Sucks that rock was the villain in the first couple acts. Seeing it once was enough, though. Like the first Trolls, I am glad my kids enjoyed it but did not participate in excessive multiple viewings.

Onward (Disney+) Didn’t get a chance to catch this at the theater before they closed them down. Great movie, but gosh. Why does Pixar always pull at the heart strings like that? I was quietly crying to myself at the end. I’m glad we made our living room dark theater-style, otherwise my kids would have seen me all torn up.

Fast and Furious 5-7 (Fast Five - HBO, The Fast and the Furious 6/Furious 7 - Digital) I ended up not watching the entire series. There is a great trilogy within the series, 5-7 was that trilogy. Fast Five was the best of the FF franchise and where it perfected their movie formula. It was like an action Ocean’s Eleven with cars. 6 and 7 expanded on that formula, upping the humor and ridiculousness factor. 6 had the exits of the Han and Gisele characters (they found a way to tie in Tokyo Drift to the rest of the series, Gal Gadot was on her way to becoming Wonder Woman for DC). And 7 had that great ending with the tribute to Paul Walker to the sounds of Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth.

Toy Story 4 (Disney+) Another Pixar hit. Didn’t hit me quite as hard as Onward or Toy Story 3 did emotionally, thank goodness. I thought this story was over the way Toy Story 3 ended. But Pixar did a good job adapting to prolong these characters stories. It did feel like it was a bit of two and three combined looking back. Still very good, Pixar knows what it’s doing.

The Marvel Infinity Saga (Disney+/Netflix/Digital) Leading up to the one-year anniversary of the release of Avengers: Endgame, I went through and rewatched all 23 MCU movies. This time, I went in chronological story order by starting with Captain America - The First Avenger. I chronicled the order I watched in my last post. Even after viewing many of these movies multiple times, I’m still amazed at how much I enjoy them and the scope of what Marvel was able to achieve leading into the climax in Endgame.

Community (Netflix/Hulu) I loved Community on its initial run on NBC but never watched any of the episodes when it was on Yahoo for its sixth season. It has been great to rewatch the meta-humor and sitcom trope parodies. And since Ken Jeong and Joel McHale started their own podcast called The Darkest Timeline (half COVID-19, half Community pod), it has been a good companion viewing.

The Back to the Future Trilogy (Netflix) Recent add to Netflix for easy viewing, these movies have been a favorite of the Mitra boys since childhood. Upon viewing as an adult, there is some humor that I didn’t recognize as a kid that is hilarious to me now. It is also crazy how well this teen time-travel sci-fi comedy works. Some of the effects in Part 2 are dated and 2015 didn’t quite end up the way it did in the movies. But overall very enjoyable on the rewatch!

Extraction (Netflix) High budget action flick funded by Netflix? Written by the Russo Brothers? And staring Chris Hemsworth? I’m in! Directed by long-time stunt man and Russo Bros go-to stunt coordinator Sam Hargrave (you can tell the Russo influence). It has an awesome 15ish minute one-shot action/chase sequence that is top notch. Don’t think much about the plot or the controversy of cultural representation, just enjoy the action.

The Mighty Ducks Trilogy (HBO) Another childhood favorite of mine. Nevermind that the hockey itself isn’t accurate. This is about pure fun for an hour and a half at a time. Come for the hi-jinx, stay for the heart. Triple-deke, knuckle-puck, taking out the trash. And leave it out on the ice!

The Harry Potter Series (Blu-Ray/Digital) This was not a go-to for me until Linda made me watch the entire series. I guess when the first movie came out, it was too much of a kid movie for me (I was a high school senior at the time). But from the second movie onward, it felt like the storytelling and movie making got better and better. The Deathly Hallows was an epic ending, even if they did change the ending from the book. I didn’t watch the newer Fantastic Beasts movies along with this though, my wife did.

Westworld - Season 3 (HBO) Recently got HBO back, so I caught up on Westworld Season 3. I haven’t rewatched the previous seasons yet, but I may revisit it soon. Season 1 was spectacular, Season 2 was confusing as hell but still entertaining. Season 3 is somewhere in between, expanding on the ongoing storyline. It was more straight-forward because its storyline is in the “real-world.” For those of you that have watched, didn’t you think it was highly ironic that the Incite ball was basically the AT&T logo? (AT&T is the parent company for WarnerMedia and HBO)

The Last Dance (ESPN/ESPN+) The Michael Jordan docu-series has been a god-sent for sports fans devoid of live American sports for the past couple months. Is it Jordan-biased? Sure. But it is full of drama and intrigue and full of nostalgia. The NBA had commissioned a camera crew to follow the 1997-1998 Chicago Bulls on their run for their sixth NBA championship. Jordan owned the controlling rights to the footage and unlocked it after the 2016 NBA Finals. So this documentary was years in the making and with the pandemic the release date was moved up. Although it featured a lot of unseen footage, it also chronicled the years leading up to the 1998 Bulls title. The last 5 Sundays have been awesome.

The Princess Bride (Disney+) I haven’t watched this movie since I was a kid. It wasn’t one of my recurring watches back then. So this was actually my second viewing of this movie ever. I found it quite enjoyable. It was cheesy, but fun, and a good family watch. One of the many older titles available on Disney+.

Scoob (VOD) My kids had some of the older Scooby Doo episodes on DVD and watched them when they were younger. This was a fun revisit for them and for us as parents. It was actually cool seeing a lot of the Hanna-Barbera characters in one movie. We watched this shortly after finishing Community, and my kids recognized Ken Jeong’s voice as Dynomutt. My daughter hilariously shouted “Senor Chang!” when she recognized him.

The Indiana Jones Series (Netflix) I introduced my son to Indiana Jones a few months ago watching Raiders of the Lost Ark. He loved it. He lost a little bit of interest during the Temple of Doom, I think the character Short Round lost it for him (character hasn’t aged well). The Last Crusade reclaimed his interest. Harrison Ford was at his natural apex playing Indiana Jones. I did not watch the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I didn’t feel the need to revisit that installment, while it was enjoyable the alien ending ruined the lead up to it.

The Dark Knight Trilogy (Batman Begins/The Dark Knight - Hulu, The Dark Knight Rises - Digital) Every few years I try to revisit this series. It is the best thing DC has ever put out cinematically. While Begins and Rises is more comic book, TDK is a straight crime drama set in the world of Batman. My favorite is Rises, but the absolute best comic book movie remains The Dark Knight, even with the advent of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Jurassic Park/Jurassic World Series (Jurassic Park/The Lost World: Jurassic Park - Blu-Ray, Jurassic World - Digital, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - Cinemax) The original Jurassic Park is such a great movie. Rewatching, it’s crazy how well the effects for the dinosaurs hold up. Steven Spielberg, Stan Winston, and ILM did a great job mixing animatronic and CGI dino effects that stand the test of time. The Lost World was enjoyable but not as good as the original. I skipped JP III, such a bad movie. Jurassic World was a good way to reboot the series, basically a remake of the original but incorporating a lot of references to it. I just finished Fallen Kingdom today. Although Fallen Kingdom was entertaining, it fails to recapture some of the magic of JP and JW.

I’m not sure what I will hit up next. I might hit some Keanu Reeves movies like Speed, the Matrix Trilogy, and/or the John Wick Trilogy. Maybe Top Gun. Maybe rewatch Friends or How I Met Your Mother. Maybe something on HBO Max when it comes out like The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Maybe Terminator. Possibilities are endless, at least until some American sports return.

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raybansandcoffee · 5 years

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Adventure of a Lifetime: Chapter Three

Find the Character Bios and first 2 chapters HERE.

*****

I woke up the next morning to sun coming in my bedroom window and the sound of the kids through the monitors I had in each of their rooms. Their sleep schedule versus mine had been one of the hardest adjustments of parenthood for me. I groaned before climbing out of bed, quickly using the bathroom and going into the nursery to grab Axel.

"Good morning, Axe Man. How's my favorite little guy?" He put his hands on my cheeks. He did this every morning. I was convinced it was his way of telling me he was fine and he loved me. I got his diaper changed before we headed into Ellie's room to get her. "Ellie Bellie, are you ready for breakfast?"

"Can we have waffles?" she asked.

"Of course we can have waffles." We got her into the bathroom before heading downstairs for breakfast. Once we were in the kitchen I got them in their seats at the island and started on the food. Luckily there were some frozen waffles in the house so I didn't have to make waffles from scratch but I did decide to make them some scrambled eggs.

"Where's Savy?" Ellie asked.

"She went to spend the day with some friends since we won't be home. What do you think if we skip your piano lesson today since she's gone?"

"OK! Can we play instead?"

"For a little while but remember we need to leave so we have time to get to Ava's house for our play date." By the end of breakfast, I had two tiny humans covered completely in syrup. I cleaned them both up and we went to the family room for some playtime. Seeing them interact, especially as Axel got older, warmed my heart. My sister was three years older than me and then my step-brother came during my Dad's second marriage. They were two people I couldn't do without and I loved that I got to watch these two build that with each other. Your siblings were the people who would be there to support you through anything and these two had been through more than most people could imagine. I snapped a quick photo of them as they laid on the floor laughing.

*****

To: Samantha Madigan-Fitzpatrick

From: Charlotte DeLuca

Subject: First Day of Summer!

Hey Samagator!

We miss you extra today. It's the first day of summer and the kids are so excited. We are having a playdate with Ellie's best friend from school, Ava, and going swimming at Ava's house. We are enjoying a little playtime at home before heading over there. Watching Axe and Ellie on the floor as they lay and have their conversations and giggles is one of the happiest feelings. I honestly can't describe it. I get it now. You always told me kids were different when they were yours. I fucking hate it when you're right.

I got through the first draft of the score I'm working on. I'm going to let it sit for a few days before I send it off to the powers at be to see what they think. It's my biggest project this year. You'd love it. The film is a small indie project, with an amazing cast and the perfect emotional storyline to put music too. Exactly the kind of project that is our sweet spot. I've spent so many hours at the piano this week that I honestly considered putting my hands into buckets of ice. A day away from work at the pool is going to be the perfect escape.

Alex would be pissed if I didn't mention Ava's Dad is ridiculously hot and I'm fairly certain is single. I'm trying to focus on the idea of maybe making an adult friend that isn't family, someone on the other end of a FaceTime, phone line or email, or well Savy since she's typically the only other "adult" I speak to on a regular basis. I tried, I really did, to make friends with the Mom's from Ellie's school but I just don't fit in there. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is but there's just a disconnect between me and the other women. I tried to find a local playgroup to take Axe to, I found one at the library and went and it was strange and mostly nannies. I did have lunch with your Mom this week, it was great to see her and nice to have an adult conversation where I didn't feel like I was parenting Savy or waiting for my WiFi connection in the basement to die.

Well, I better go. I've gotta get the kids bathing suits rounded up, pack a bag of crap for Axel and find a swimsuit that I don't look hideous in. We all miss you like crazy.

Love you forever and for always,

Charlie

*****

"Alright tiny humans. Let's go upstairs and get ourselves ready for a day of fun. If we are on our best behavior tonight we can have pizza for dinner."

"Peessa!!" Axel shouted back. He was really great at repeating words though most of the time it still sounded nothing like what he was trying to say. I picked him up off the floor before blowing raspberries on his tummy making him let out the perfect giggle. His giggle was my favorite sound in the entire world. It had gotten me through the worst year of my life. It was the best medicine ever created. I grabbed everything each child could possibly need for swimming, what felt like a million extra diapers, snacks, things that kept them from having complete and utter meltdowns, and finally got Ellie into a bathing suit with a cover-up dress over it. I drug them into my room and put them on my bed to watch cartoons as I tried to figure out what to wear.

"Why do I do this? Ugh. I hate trying to figure out if I look terrible with no one around," I was talking to myself while putting makeup on. I'd found a bathing suit that I didn't feel completely hideous in after spending far too much time standing in my closet trying on every bathing suit I owned. When I lived in LA I spent my summers living at the pool. Alex's house had the most amazing pool so most of our summers were spent enjoying the gorgeous weather, the company, and food. Sam also had a pretty great pool though significantly smaller and less of a kid's dream than Alex's. I had a pool at my condo and honestly spent time most days there when I needed a break from working. My phone vibrated on the granite counter. I glanced down to see Jeremy's name pop up.

Are we still on for today?

Yup! I have Ellie in a bathing suit (which was quite a task), grabbed one for Axel and have finally gotten the few minutes I needed to get myself out of my pajamas covered in the syrup from their breakfast. We should be leaving here in like 15ish minutes. I just need to grab Axel's little travel playpen, he will definitely need to nap while the girls hang out.

Don't worry about packing anything. I've still got some of Ava's stuff around that you can use. I'm the oldest of 7 and have a lot of nieces and nephews so every kid thing you could imagine needing is here. Just bring yourselves.

Are you sure? It's no big deal. My best friend got the coolest shit for this kid when he was born.

I've got you covered.

Okay then. We will be there in a little bit. I just have to get them wrangled into a car.

"You're gonna do great, Charlie. You are not a lunatic. You're a completely normal person. Today is going to be a good day."

"Today is going to be a great day!" Ellie replied. "It's going to be a great day because we are going to have a lot of fun and pizza for dinner because I promise I'm going to be on my best behavior."

"Ellie Bellie, have I told you yet this morning that I love you?" I asked as I picked her up and hugged her tightly. She had started to give me positive thoughts in the morning when we'd sit and get her ready for school. She heard me one day embracing my inner theater nerd. I'd been listening to the Dear Evan Hansen Original Broadway recording and had even gone so far as to say 'Dear Charlie De Luca, Today is going to be a good day and here's why...you have two wonderful kids who you love and who love you who are experts at putting a smile on your face. You're alive, you're breathing, and you're going to be okay.' Ever since then she'd tell me good things in the morning. She'd also started to dance with me to musicals in the mornings, it was some special girl time we had each day.

"I love you too." She buried her head in my neck hugging me. "You look really pretty in the swimsuit you picked." I'd ended up with a two-piece that had a black and white striped high waisted bottom and ruffled black top.

"Thank you, munchkin. Let's get me in a dress to cover this up and get in the car to go to Ava's." I threw a dress on over my bathing suit while also throwing clothes I could wear after time in the pool to at least drive home in. We got everything in the car, Ellie into her car seat, Axel into his and were on the road headed to Jeremy and Ava's house. My phone started to ring and the screen on the dash showed it was Alex calling. "Everyone say hi to Auntie Alex."

"Hi!" Ellie screamed from the backseat really excitedly. Her little brother let out his signature giggle instead of saying hi.

"Hey, kids. Are we all on our way to our playdate?" she asked.

"We are. We are pulling out of the driveway right now."

"And you managed to find a bathing suit without having a complete meltdown and calling me this morning panicking in your closet? I'm proud."

"I did. I went with the ruffly high waisted two pieces one from last summer."

"Oh, that one is cute and much more appropriate for a playdate with kids than the one I was going to suggest."

"Yeah, the super revealing bikini is not playdate appropriate. It was barely all-inclusive Mexican vacation appropriate."

"You looked hot in it."

"I definitely wouldn't now. A year of essentially eating like a child because of children has me not looking my best. I need to set up a gym in the house or start running through the mountains like a weirdo or something now that it's warm."

"Put a pool in. You used to swim laps in my pool every morning before anyone in the house was even awake to realize you'd snuck in." It was true. I didn't live far and often times my condo pool was filled with people early who were using it for a workout so I'd sneak over to Alex's house and do laps in her pool when we had decent weather instead of going to the gym.

"Yeah, because that is affordable and totally makes sense when I live in the mountains and had a period of time this winter where the snow was taller than I am."

"My 10-year-olds are taller than you. It's not hard to accomplish. You can afford to add a pool. Maybe put it on a wishlist for next summer. You know it will be nice for you and the kids."

"It would be but it's not a priority right now. My top priority is having my house ready for your entire family and my family to be out here soon."

"Did you finally hear from Frankie and Tony?" Alex asked.

"Yup. Tony called me yesterday morning. He's coming out to stay for a while though he won't give me any firm dates on anything. I'm sure Mandi is driving him crazy and he's not even been home a month yet."

"Oh, guaranteed." I loved my step-mom but she could be a bit much and my poor little brother was probably going insane living at home. He had just graduated from college and wasn't used to being home with the parents. He hadn't completely decided what was next though Dad was hoping law school and eventually becoming a partner at his firm. Tony's maternal grandparents were loaded and honestly, the kid would never need to work a day in his life because of his trust fund. He was brilliant and graduated with honors in both of his majors but he had spent his entire childhood focused on school and wasn't sure what he wanted to do next. He told my Dad he was going to take a year before deciding on if he wanted to go to law school, grad school for something none of us would be able to predict, or get his MBA and in the interim he was going to move out with me and help with some of the business aspects of my job that I hated most. I hadn't offered him a job but my brother knew he could convince me of anything because I loved him more than I loved most people because he knew when he shouldn't be providing commentary on my life. Our sister, Dad, his Mom and my Mom definitely did not.

"Frankie also called me yesterday after Dad told her that Tony was moving to Tahoe with me. Her whole clan is coming out. It will be good. One big celebration."

"Any of your parents coming?"

"No, Dad has a big trial coming up that he's working all hours of the day on, most of the time he calls me it's when he knows I'm not sleeping and he's on his way home from the office. Mandi, of course, wouldn't come without him. I truly don't understand her, she's been married to him for most of my life yet lately she will rarely do anything with me or Frankie without Tony or Dad and very rarely if it's just Tony. Mom is of course off on some lavish vacation with her current love interest. I think she called me from Amsterdam last weekend."

"Well, your brother and sister being there will be good. Plus the kids will all be together and you'll get to have some comic relief from Ryan and Tony."

"So true. They are the best at making me laugh." My brother-in-law was the perfect addition to our family. He took such great care of my sister and their kids while also being a decent role model for my brother. "It will also mean that Ryan will do his best to stop Frankie from grilling Tony and me about him moving here. Tony needs a break. All he's done his entire life is school. He needs to be an f-ing kid for a while."

"Just don't let him hit on my daughter."

"I'll do my best but she could do worse than T."

"I know she could but I need her to focus on school not the cute boy above the garage." My watch buzzed on my wrist signaling I needed to make my final turn into a driveway that was long enough I couldn't see the house from the road. I buzzed at the gate and the gate unlocked. Even though our gate had a camera I usually harassed anyone who buzzed it to goof off instead of just letting them in. "Okay. My dear friend Siri has informed me we've reached our final destination." The house came into view. "Holy shit."

"You said a swear word," Ellie said from the back.

"What is it?" Alex asked.

"His house is huge and gorgeous."

"Well have fun and report back later."

"I will. Talk to you tonight." I stopped the car as I saw the front door open. Jeremy came walking out as Ava ran in front of him towards the car. Ellie knew how to get herself out of the car so before I knew it she was running past Jeremy into the house with Ava.

"Hey slow down you two," he called. "Do you need help with anything?" He had walked over to me.

"I think I can get it all," I replied as I grabbed Axel from the backseat.

"Hey there, buddy." Jeremy's demeanor changed from being polite as he greeted us to the complete mush everyone turned into when they saw Axel.

"This is Axel."

"Hi, Axel." I watched as the little guy reached towards Jeremy. He rarely reached towards strangers like he wanted to be held but he didn't even remotely hesitate. Jeremy took him from my arms so I could close the door and grab the bag I had for me and the kids from the back. "He is so cute."

"Thanks. I think he's pretty great." I followed Jeremy into the house where we found the girls playing together. We went towards the kitchen where there was lunch set up for the kids.

"I didn't figure you'd want macaroni and cheese but it was Ava's request today."

"That's a good choice, Ava. I love macaroni and cheese." Jeremy must not have been kidding about having stuff for kids around because there was a high chair waiting for us so that I could help Axel eat. The girls happily chatted away as they ate quickly so they could start swimming. "Thank you for having us and letting me bring Axel with. Savannah was super excited about having a day off."

"No problem, he's a pretty cool kid." We were sitting by the pool watching the girls jump into the pool over and over again. "Ellie is a really great swimmer."

"So is Ava. I guess it pays to grow up in houses with pools."

"True. Do you also have one?" he asked.

"We don't but LA had a pool."

"Aha. Yeah, my house there has one too. I feel like not having a pool in LA is against some sort of city ordinance."

"So true. My condo in LA has one. I usually opted to use my friends' pools though. I mean I was at mine a lot but any chance to get out of my tiny condo was great. One bedroom seems so cramped when your friends all live in giant houses in the hills."

"You were in a one-bedroom with both of them?" He asked.

"Oh no, that would not have worked. I'd have lost my mind. I still have the condo for when I need to go back for work because it means I don't have to stay at my Dad's. Though at this point I'm fairly certain my younger brother has probably located the spare key and used it to escape his Mom." Jeremy laughed which made Axel laugh. "That's right Axe Man. Uncle Tony is silly and Nana Mandi makes all of us a little bonkers."

"Half brother?" He caught onto me saying 'his Mom' which meant he was observant.

"Yeah, Tony just graduated from college. He's the youngest of us. My sister Frankie is three years older than I am. Our Mom and Dad split when I was probably 8, Dad met Mandi, they got married and added Tony to the mix."

"I get that. My youngest sibling is the same age as the girls. He was born the same week as Ava."

"That has to be weird, right?"

"A little weird. But I get it. My Dad wanted more kids. I'd love more but I don't know if it's in my cards. What about you?"

"I never pictured myself having any kids. I was going to be the fun aunt that corrupted the children. Kids hadn't been in my cards at all. My best friend always told me they were different when they were yours which is a BS thing that everyone tells a woman who doesn't want to have kids. Turns out she was right. I hate it when she's right. So I guess someday maybe but for now, these two are all I can handle alone. Right Axe? You're just too much for just me to handle so we can't add another one." He giggled at me and I smiled.

"Is their Dad not in the picture?"

**********

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I love a good cliffhanger! Which I know makes me SUUUUUPER evil.

Diving more into Charlie and the kids has been fun. The way conversation flows between she and Jeremy easily. The fact that Axel IMMEDIATELY thought Jeremy was cool is also pretty telling. Kids and dogs smell fear, it's something I've learned over the years. I'm childless by choice and intend on remaining that way. Outside of my niece and nephew kids are a little intimidating for me during periods of their lives. And usually they either want to be around me to make me anxious or they start screaming at the top of their lungs when there's even a thought of me holding them.

I must admit "Dear Evan Hansen" is one of my absolute favorite musicals so for Charlie to use it as a motivator for her mornings is something I also try to do. "Dear Charlie DeLuca, today is going to be a good day and here's why ___" I can picture her saying that in the mirror every morning and filling in the blank with what she's going to focus on.

Jeremy is an interesting character for me to develop as well. Admittedly, I LOVE Jeremy Renner. He's an incredible actor, musician, and those eyes are too beautiful for words. While I am using Jeremy as the inspiration of the character I can't really say that I believe the way I write the character to be anything like Jeremy in real life as I do not know him personally and I respect that he does the best he can to keep his private life private. So this may or may not be a version of him that reflects reality or that suits everyone, though I hope people enjoy reading it.

xx. AM

@baker151910 @alicenwrites

#jeremy renner #jeremy renner fanfic #jeremy renner fan fic #jeremy renner fanfiction #jeremy renner fan fiction #fanfic #fanfiction #fan fic #fan fiction #lizzie olsen #elizabeth olsen

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cicatriselle-blog · 6 years

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Getting real old.

I’m so tired of crying every day. It feels like grief pours from this bottomless well of sadness. “How long can my body continue to produce tears?” is a regular thought I genuinely wonder.

Yesterday, Longtime asked if I wanted to get lunch. I wasn’t able to, that I was leaving at 1 and had therapy at 2 but would be by the old place afterwards. He was going to be over there, too, to get a medication at the grocery store 5 minutes from the old house, so I suggested we get something to eat afterwards or eat fast food at the house. At noon, he said once he “got his shit” at his first stop he’d let me know what his plan was and also invited me to go to something later that night, presumably with at least one if not both of his partners, to which I declined.

I did my stuff, got lunch anyway after therapy (3:15ish) and once it was 4:30 started getting that familiar feeling that I often felt with the boy when we’d made plans/I was waiting for him/he was flaking on me. That feeling like I’m a dumb little puppy waiting by the door for someone to come home. By 6pm (6 hours from when he said he’d let me know what his plan was), I finally headed back home and texted him, “Nevermind on [other thing I’d asked about]. Have a fun time”…to which he immediately responded, “Oh. I had frozen stuff from [grocery store] that needed to get into a fridge asap.”

I immediately started bawling in the car and pulled over and typed, “You didn't let me know what your plan was "after you got your shit" so w/e”, which yes I could have handled better but I was so blinded by hurt that unfortunately that’s how it came out. I added, “Just don't tell me you're gonna do something unless you actually plan to do it and follow through.”...which I find entirely reasonable.

He responded, “Ok. Just assume I'm not going to do anything then. I'll do my best not to extend myself in any way so as to avoid disappointment on your part.” And I cried harder, I started to type something more to lash out with but then decided I was going to put my phone down and drive home. I was too upset.

So I drove home, blinking away tears constantly and scream-crying here and there, brought everything I’d packed in the car inside, and texted him this about 40 minutes later: “You asked to have lunch. I gave you my schedule. You said you'd let me know. You didn't. I wanted to see you. I felt really upset that you didn't even bother to say, hey, not gonna work after all. It's not about disappointing me, it's about if you're going to follow through on things you say you're going to do or not. I wanted to see you. It's not fair for you to turn it on me and go into fuck-it mode; you were the one who didn't follow through on what you said you'd do. You doing that is about you, not me. I'd like to have a better relationship with you. It's also not fair or helpful to turn it on me and to use your presence or (lack thereof) as a threat. It's not unreasonable for me to expect you to do what you said you were going to do, nor is it unreasonable for me to be upset about it.”

I feel good about that. That was at 6:45 last night; he hasn’t read it yet. I stood up for myself, called out the inconsistent behavior without tearing him down, and expressed my hurt. I was so initially blindsided by emotion yesterday because it felt like such a familiar thing that had played out and I’d experienced similarly so many times with the boy. But the boy was going home to his apartment with his girlfriend/the girl he’d cheated on me with despite saying he’d cut contact/lying to me for over a year/etc., and I want to give Longtime the benefit of the doubt in that he didn’t do this maliciously but I know there’s some fucked up trauma bonding shit involved in this, too; point being, even if his ADHD brain gave him a lapse here, he still hurt my feelings. It still feels like he ditched me. It still feels like he prioritized frozen groceries over our relationship. (Which, now that I think of it, he could have stopped by anyways—yes, we unplugged the fridge, but the deep freeze is still plugged in—and regardless, it’s 5 minutes from the house. He couldn’t have stopped by? He had to also get on the highway that is like, right behind the house. It feels like a bullshit excuse to me.) Is that too dramatic? He said he’d do something, didn’t, but had to get the groceries home. At any point in between picking up his medication and buying groceries he could have said anything to me. And then to have him be like, blah blah blah, disappointing you…like, fuck you, I care about trying to have a better relationship and am literally the only one putting forth effort it feels like. Cool.

I told him this repeatedly, I keep telling myself this, have told others this. I can’t have people in my life who say one thing and do another. I can’t keep people around who say they’re going to do something and don’t. That’s what kept me entangled with the boy for too long. I kept making excuses for the fact that things didn’t add up, kept buying the excuses he’d give me, and kept myself hoping next time would be different because of the biochemically-deluded haze inside my brain. I can’t do it again. I can’t continue to let other people hurt me, keeping them around in my life if they, for whatever reason, say one thing and do another. Once in a while, whatever, like, shit happens. But I’ve had this conversation on several occasions with Longtime about various things the last month, and…I’m sure he’s like, she’s overreacting, blah blah, whatever. But. ??? I don’t know. I still don’t fully trust myself.

I feel so fucking alone. I don’t know what to do with myself now that we’re legitimately just friends. Not roommates. Not together. I don’t need his attention every day. I don’t need to hang out several times a week. I feel like I’m expecting the bare minimum, and that he’s acting like it’s too much. It makes me feel like with these two guys, I’m not useful unless I can provide something to them. That they wanted to use me for whatever they can until something else can do it better. I feel like I’m causing myself needless suffering. I’m obviously not at a point where I’m strong enough or healthy enough to fully separate their behavior from my perception of my worth. I know they’re unrelated. I know intellectually I am valuable and worthwhile regardless of how someone treats me, and that their treatment of me is a reflection of themselves and their values (or lacktherof) and not a measurement of my inherent goodness or worthiness. The shortcomings are theirs; not mine. But my emotion mind is like, yep, here’s another failure. Why do these guys keep finding better situations than you. The bottom line is that you weren’t enough. If you were, it would’ve worked out. But instead, they’re doing other things with other women, other women who have something you lack.

I know it’s skewed. I know it’s not accurate. But it feels true to me right now.

#mine #crying #longtime #the boy #familiar feelings #dbt #trauma bonding #assertiveness #alone #consistency

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