Connor: I’m a sensible, peaceful man.

Hank: Five minutes ago you threw a chair at Gavin.

Connor: That was a sensible, peaceful compromise from the table I was going to throw at him.

Sixty: Based on genital structure, men should really be the ones wearing skirts and women should be wearing pants

Gavin: The Scotts were right all along

Nines: The Scots did it to hide more knives on their bodies

North: The Scotts were right all along

At a crime scene

Nines: *tries to sample some blood*

Gavin: Nines, dont put it in your mouth

Connor: First time Nines hears that from you I’m sure

kara: how was school today?

alice: somebody called me gay and the teacher said it was a bad word. am i allowed to say it? what does it mean?

kara:

luther: well..

kara:

kara (rushed): uncle connor and uncle markus aren't really just best friends who live together

Luther: HEY! HEY!

Kara, whispering: Shh! Alice is sleeping!

Luther, also whispering: oh, sorry!

Kara: what do you need?

Luther: there’s a fire.

Connor: I don't always understand Reed's texts. He says, 'they're still waiting on the lab, and it's 'allz good.' Alls with a 'Z.' Then, a box with a question mark inside, another box with a question mark inside, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, another box with a question mark, and yet another, box with a question mark, and then, a box with a question mark. What does that mean? Hank: It means you don't have emojis installed.

Gavin: I need a man that can break my back.

Nines: Like in what way?

Gavin: (walking away with a smile) ...

Nines: (increasingly more concerned) Gavin. In what way?

Hank: We all have our demons. Nines&Connor, holding up Sixty: This one's ours!

Connor: would you like to hear a chemistry joke?

Markus:

Connor: is that a no?

Markus: oh I’m sorry, do you want a.. reaction?

Connor:

Connor: a worthy opponent!

Hank Krabs is cool and all. But here's the "Connor does Nothing" ending with well... Hank Raiden

@kissoflightning @detroitbecomeonline

Amanda: *staring at Hank hatefully*

Hank: "What!? The fuck did I do?"

Amanda: "You ruined a perfectly functioning android, that's what you did. Look at him, he's got feelings."

[at Gavin's untimely funeral]

Fowler: *places his hand on the headstone and sobs*

Fowler: How could you do this to me? We are so understaffed.

Successful Revolution AU in Which Josh Lives, Because I Said So

Josh: Okay, speech over, we’re taking you to the trashed CyberLife store to patch you up.

Markus: No, what we need to do right now it take care of—

Josh: Nope. Uh-uh. You’ve been shot, what, seven times or something?

Markus: I’m fine. Look, the more pressing matter is that—

Josh: OH YOU’RE FINE, HUH? That’s good. I’m going to put that on your tombstone: “He said he was fine. He was not.”

Connor: I just found out that humans are capable of fitting a light bulb into their mouth with ease but can’t take it out without shattering it, and now I have to physically restrain myself from putting a light bulb in my mouth and seeing if the same happens.

Connor, calling Hank after his first full normal day at Jericho: So, I think I might've accidentally joined a cult.

Markus: and then he called her a—

Markus: *looks at Alice*

Markus: B-I-T-C-H.

Kara: ..she can spell.