200524 20:56. ✨💖 EID MUBARAK EVERYONE!!!!! ✨💖 i woke up at around 6 a.m. to help my mom cook eid feasts (opor, ketupat, rendang, celimpungan -- the usuals!) and we prayed at home. wore my favorite dress too! the rest of the day was spent eating and lazying around, alongside with calling family and friends. i love seeing and hearing them so much, even thru the screen. & LOOK AT THAT BASQUE CHEESECAKE MY AUNT SENT AS HAMPERS!!!!! soooo delicious but also i’m a cheesecake ho so it’s an expected reaction from me lmao

after napping at around 4 pm until about 2 hours ago, i woke up and decided to remodel my phone appearance -- i put notion and lithium outside of my “essentials” folder in order to trick/initiate myself into reading more. it worked!! i’m reading forces of nature & man it is definitely going into my list of “top astronomy books to make you feel in awe of the universe even if you don’t understand shit about physics” alongside cosmos by carl sagan. i’m trying to limit my social media consumption more -- i realize that i go to them as a source of distraction, and not to enrich myself. refreshing my timeline aimlessly. so instead of that i’m trying to find an activity that’s more “weighty” and meaningful to myself, i think.

i hope you’re all staying safe and healthy. i know we’re all in such a rough spot -- as an instagram post i saw said, on the same ocean but not in the same boat. so lend a hand to those who are freely floating or in rough-shaped boats if you can. reach out to the ones you love. minal aidzin wal faidzin, mohon maaf lahir & batin, semuanya <3

Hey, I have an academia aesthetic tumblr((not Desi, it's kinda exclusive , I do talk about my desi identity but mostly i post yk English/Italian photos)) , and I post, about my academics their, what I'm reading and learning (mostly stem). I do like cottagecore as well.

So, I read your post and I do not understand it. I am well aware of the casteism and I am not ignorant but I don't understand that what's wrong with this.

I just happen to like aesthetic, fuck colonisers but their architecture be good, yes, so is Indian architecture but I'm just liking that more these days so what is the problem.

I'm privileged, very, but I feel like a piece of shit since your post, I do not understand.

I am acknowledging it that so many people do not get to study and I'm not romanticizing it, I'm just talking about my life, and how I read and love to read and it is indeed a celebration of a "privilege" but what do i do? Not do this? Idk man? Idk

man i regret making that post. okay i reblogged it lately with more of an explanation, and here's the pull quote: "okay i was. in a mood the night i wrote this and i just wanted to say that i wish i had framed this with less anger and more gentleness. this was more of a personal rant, which has made it into the circles it speaks of. but for what its worth: i don’t actually have a right to be angry over this. i am UC, and as such, gentleness should come with my privilege. most of all, i wanted to apologise because this post makes it look like im not a part of this culture, which isn’t true. it isn’t as if i haven’t made posts about bollywood, or uncritically used the word “desi.”

i know this kind of online culture gives people joy. i have just seen too much of it which engaged uncritically, without acknowledging the wide wealth of history that is not uppercaste or north indian. (i think seeing another reclist with jhumpa lahiri on it did it for me. i’m sorry, i really dislike her as a writer… for personal reasons). i just wanted to express my problems with the version of india this kind of aesthetic produces, and provide context for my thoughts."

secondly. i know i'm not obligated to tell you what this means, but here goes nothing. often times, i feel, as UC people, we have a lot more access to global rhetoric. as such, being on very american spaces like tumblr, we get to talk to people outside of the mainland about our aesthetic, which is more often than not UC. the aesthetic that is used here makes me deeply, deeply uncomfortable mostly because of the sheer amount of labour that it glosses over. who do you think built the mughal buildings? do you remember the old story about the taj mahal, that shah jahan cut the labourer's hands after it was complete? for that matter, who do you think stitches the elaborate lehengas, the detailed zari work, and everything else it entails? it isn't us. we don't even pay a fair price for it. what makes me angry is that while there is more and more of an awareness of the inherent colonialism in dark academia, there is just not the same amount of awareness for casteism in indian academia. especially when brahmanism literally means that others don't get to study. idk, you can listen to Anurag Minus Verma's podcast on this, or maybe Buffalo Intellectual's. both good.

the aesthetic wouldn't even bother me so much if it wasn't for the rec lists. look, as upper caste people who have global audiences on tumblr, people pay attention to us. we're articulate, soft spoken, savarna. when i see reclists that regurgitate the same five indian authors as the be-all and end-all of south asian writing, i don't like it mostly because i know some non-indians are going to find it and think the same thing. it feels like such a disservice to the VARIETY of GOOD South Asian writing out there!!! i don't want to self promote, but here. i wrote a reclist a few weeks ago.

lastly. i don't actually care. you can engage with this aesthetic if you like, you can choose not to after this post, you can choose to engage with it more critically, do whatever you like. my intention was never to make people feel bad about what brings them joy. i don't think i was ranting for any reason except for my own, and i wish i'd either a) been gentler in what i was saying b) hidden the criticism from people who like leaning into this kind of online presence.

i don't care in the same way that i don't care about dark academia as a whole. it's imperialism, but it affects me very little as a mainlander. same with #desiaesthetic. it's more for nris than it is for me, and i can assure you, no one living in india actually cares either. i don't wanna say im involved in politics, but as someone with some experience of just student politics and indian academia, it's not like any of us sit and get mad at desi dark academia moodboards. as such, engage with it in whatever way makes you happy. me ranting to myself shouldn't affect your happiness, because you don't know me, and i might be a terrible person for all you know. who am i to pass judgement on what you do? i have no horse in this race. i do not make moral judgements on how you should engage with your media, that's entirely up to you.

i hope this answer made you feel better, genuinely. i don't want anyone to feel bad about the things i say, it was never my intention to do that. rest easy, sleep well, enjoy what you like in whatever way you like it.

unironically, love,

uggghhh i know ive talked about this before but, i feel, like, super not cut out for academia and that stresses me out because it's largely the only thing ive done for like 6 years now???

i know in theory research happens outside of academia, too, but i find it hard to believe it will be less competitive/publication oriented.

i don't mind, like, most of the actual research part and i'm good at writing but it's not always my favourite thing (academically. im actually a lot easier on my creative writing but probably because i write it for ME and not to publish or make money).

i like analyzing qualitative data and learning new things and I don't mind putting it into the context of literature (tho i hate doing the literature review part lol) but all the justification starts to wear down on you when it comes to publish-or-die

and don't feel like I need to love my job personally, just like it enough to sit through it, buuuuut everyone in academia seems to run on the "you do this because you're passionate about it and you want to dedicate your life to it" mentality. which makes the culture real wonky if you're like "actually this is just a Job for me?" i don't personally care about building a career or being a thought leader, i'm neutral towards publishing. i just want to play a part in a team, and do right by the participants in the study. And again with publications..... I think policy implications and community reports should be valued WAY higher than they are, at least in my field of social science, but obviously we cant get rid of them entirely and shouldnt, but.. the current culture isnt it imo

finally, the academic research groups i've been in are always such a disaster in one way or another. like the people are great (for the most part), but they're always so disorganized and those the top who should be leading (profs) are always SO fucking busy and take on so much that it all gets filtered down to the least qualified people muddling through it, instead than the people who wanted do to the fucking study in the first place taking ownership of it? Hot Take, but Research Groups really need to normalize hiring a project manager rather than getting their already busy Post Doc, PhD, Masters and Interns to flounder aimlessly, but whatever.

so at the end of the day its like, clearly i dont wanna do this forever.... i just have no idea what other sort of job I actually would be well suited for? something where i can Do Tasks, something that isn't physically strenuous, and where there is actual leadership. It's really rough because i'd prefer part time hours but living on part time income sounds difficult.

I currently have a pipe dream of becoming a library tech but im also terrified of getting another expensive qualification only do find I don't like it, That Much. also i feel like it would be hard to land a job in that field.

i dont knowwwwww