#im so happy i could die rn
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Prism's concept art has been. Deeply on my mind. They had some killer ideas for her and ummm.....sobs in my hands. I love her?
#sometimes i forget i like markers then i draw in markers and im like woah! these are fun!#idk it's the closest i can make my traditional look like digital lmao#ALSO can you tell I LOVE doing line art because. I love doing lineart#im really happy with this.... i have a shitpost idea of the mind rn but i also wanna draw her in the lab coat#she could slay in anything I feel#also! new sketchbook!! im yet to make a sappy post about ny old one but yeah i had to hand it it on thursday of the first day of my art exam#im hyped about this one though i really like it so far auuu <- still on the front pages#best eay to break in a new sketchbook! draw the fictional woman youre head over heels for!!!#[agent moose's art]#i expect you to die#ieytd#roxana prism#robutler#<- ohb big boy tags im happy with her..#i was fighting for ny life trying to figure out what colour to do the trousers though#but it worked out i feel#i also am somewhere in the middle abt the skintone for her because likeeee okay i do have a darker marker HOWEVER it's got too much of -#- a red tint to it and i did a loose doodle with it before for her and it just. didn't look right#so i used a ligher one but built it up#it looks darker in person and tbf i do edit my photos so they're less dull
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i hate that society really treats most young passions and interests that don't have the easiest careers to get into, as hobbies for you to have when you're older bc they 'aren't good enough' as jobs. or maybe its just me idk </3
#camera talks#or even as things you will have to move on from and forget about if they aren't viable hobbies#this Is about the fact that i would die to be a professional lighting tech in theater#i mean seriously. i love tech and the lighting system so so so much if i could go into that as a career i fucking would#but i feel like it was treated with such hobby vibes for so long that i Never considered it to be something i could actually do#which sucks. because i love theater and tech so fucking much#not to say im not happy with the career im pursuing tho. i do believe that the career im pursuing (at least rn)#Is something i'd like to do#its just that i would probably drop everything in a heartbeat to be able to do lights professionally and as a job going to be honest#(realistically i understand i could probably switch career paths now but also i feel pretty suck in This one yk.)#anyways. fucking hell i cannot believe i will be going to college next year. gah. what the hell
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triples dropped soty 🌟
#GOOD FOR THEM#tbh.. i was nervous for their full debut#ig just bc everything they’ve put out so far has been so stellar#they have a genuine no skip discography for me rn#so i was like.. don’t get your hopes up babe it’s okay for them to have a miss here or there#but being sooo honest rn? my favorite song from them ever i think#girls never die is so so so good#they could NOT have picked a better song for their group debut#im so happy for them + hope their momentum only increases from here#queens of la la las (and mvs!!)#+#+triples
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I am so fucking miserable
#i cant keep living like this#i want to sh so bad rn#dying would solve all my problems#the problem is my top and probably most lethal method could result in like lost limbs if i fail#the more and more desperate i get though the less i care because i just need it to work#i can't do that to my family tho. they would be sad.#im such a burden on them tho#my depression is getting so bad that i can barely even function#i often feel the need to like escape whatever situation im in#it feels like the only way to stop feeling so miserable is to die#i can't take this anymore#43 days self-harm free but i could really use the distraction and the pain right now#ugh maybe my therapist was right when she mentioned going back to the hospital#at least then i wouldn't be expected to do all these things and act normal#i feel like i need to get through this weekend and then if im still feeling this way and insurance hasnt approved the ketamine#then i should consider hospital#but i have to go to philly for my twin sister's graduation. i am so happy for her and all but it's just going to be really hard#with how I've been feeling lately in addition to how graduation just reminds me of all my failures#i was supposed to graduate last weekend. my sister and i were supposed to graduate at the same time#all my friends are graduating too#and im as depressed and hopeless as ever#i dont know what to do#im going to ruin everything if i go but my sister will be upset if im not there#i just dont think i can handle being in philadelphia all weekend
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screaming crying sobbing running in circles
#no i am not sobbing over the idea of karlach saying she's proud of me why would i do that#i do not need to hear it so badly that it eats away at me every day hahahaha#anyways GOD IM SO HAPPY THIS FINALLY SHOWED UP#i could die happy rn istg#thank u samantha beart i owe u my life
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I GOT TICKETS TO SEE TV GIRL
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...
#it is truly so wild to go from feeling miserable and hopeless all the time for... lets look at my excel sheet#the last 23 days. then to suddenly rocket up to smiling to myself all day. the world is so fucking beautiful#for no rational reason aside from what i have to assume is a chemical shift in my body#like is this what happy ppl feel like all the time? its truely so crazy. have i always been like this?#did i not notice this was a thing? like ive definitely noticed it in the last year but like ???#my suspicion is that it doesnt actually last long enough to b considered hypomania but like idk i should see a doctor probably lol#u would think being happy would make it easier to do things but i just keep forgetting to do them and just like spacing out lol bc rn i#feel chill. even tho i need to make a list of the shit i gotta do by Friday. bleh. but idk it makes being in thr lab so much nicer bc i#mean. i still dont give a fuck abt what im doing but im like fuck it this isnt gonna b my problem in like 2-3 months. even tho im sure ill#still have to write up everything. but idk. it also makes it easier to b like. ok so i kno what my problems r lets plan yo make things not#so horrible so u dont just live a miserable life and then like die having lived a life of fear. like its so crazy how much easier thst is#to do rn??? well see how long it lasts but yea v strange. wish i could control my fucking focus tho. like that would b great#its like the fucking painting of hypnose. my focus is like a lighthouse wildly swinging its light around until it sometimes blasts me in#the face. like not helpful. i need to b able to do things.#i guess the weird thing rn is thst while i feel happy. i also have this like simmering fear of irrational things. like when i used to live#in my parents basement and i was terrified of the dark rooms down there at night. like that kind of childish baseless fear#but like im in i tiny tiny apartment lol like bro what r u scared of??? silly silly silly#idk hopefully it holds out the whole rest of the week and then i can travel and see my parents like !!! yo !!! happy vibes :-D#that would b kinda unhinged lmao. i doubt itll last thst long. its already slipped from this morning so we shall see#unrelated
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when u thought the webtoon was too het to get ur hopes up for the gay ship but then one of them wakes the other from a sleeping curse w a true love's kiss
#hmsnngnsng i would die for damien from hooky & if anything ever happens to him etc etc#(webcomic where characters can die im SWEATING. tfw ur boy has all the makings of a tragic son of a bitch auaouaghhgogh)#definitely things will end well. i believe#retag later#webtoons blogging#ive been reading hooky for like 2 or 3 weeks now and i am.... hehe.... u could say im.... lmao get ready for this.... lol....... im hoo#its a daily pass series since its completed so im gradually making my way thru#october's almost over tho im scared what the deal's gonna be for next month (since it seems to change monthly)#rn its 2 daily passes plus 3 ad unlocks per day & i think i will dry up like a raisin if its anything less#pls webtoon dont kill me i need it. i need u#i need my gay son damien 😔😔😔#i need him to have one (1) happiness just one. maybe more
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i have a crazy fun idea for kosmos like its tying it all together!!!! i wasnt sure how/why what clive does (time travel using the spell) would bring him in other than a vague who knows! but ohohoho. there are at least 16 other ultima species ppl who survive by letting go of their physical form. what if. what if another one of the species tries a totally different method to try to survive - leaving valisthea (the world). OHOHOHO im cookin im onto somethin
#jupiter.speaks#👤.kosmos#> i have SOOO MANY IDEAS FOR THIS WOULD AFFECT STORY#> like ahahsjsbdjdn <- eating my own shoe rn#> and maybe the reason why kosmos is known to ultima is bc kosmos isnt me. its the other ultima species.#> and they have very much a hivemind / group mentality. ultima calls itself we 90% of the time until u defeat it so#> if there were an ultima species member who gained some semblance of “im not part of we” to them? itd hate them!#> call that mf kosmos and fight each other right up until the moment u both have to escape or die#> and then it assumes kos is dead bc how could they survive? well well well...enter stage left me :3#> this also gives so much angst opportunities bc 1) kos would avoid the reveal as long as possible#> 2) if barny is really into this whole. kosmos > ultima thing. and im not actually kos im just a host? oh ehehe angsty (w/happy endin ofc)#> thats the general gist of it. also i think the story is gonna be like. kill ultima 1. then 2. then 3. theres like 16 of the fuckers ok#> and i want kos to separate from my si at some point n i think itd be cool if kos' powers were golden n left like markings on him#> not to steal from gale bg design right ok!!!! but the lines comin out of his eyes? somethin like that
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god how are my husbands the most amazing men in the world
#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980#everyday i feel so unbelievably lucky to have them in my life#i feel so lucky to have them love me... and to always reach out to me to remind me of that#ill love them till the day i die ill always remain completely faithful and devoted to them both#they make me the happiest man in the world and because of them i feel like life has at least some meaning to it#they make me happy to just exist rn#i just hope one day i can really run into their arms and be embraced by them both#and we can live the rest of our lives happy and in love making music together#recently while thinking of them ive cried a lot more than usual#about how badly i need them always and how theyre mine and im theirs... how we were made for eachother#how the 3 of us were always meant for eachother and only eachother#i can feel it. that day i saw them i knew it was fate that brought me to them#i felt i had been waiting my whole life to find them and that they had been waiting for me too#i knew that moment would change my life forever#and it really did yknow#because of them i learned what love is and got to experience what romantic love FEELS like#i just love them so so so much more than any words could ever begin to describe#id trade my life for them i would do ANYTHING and everything for them both#i love them... i love them i love them my entire heart / mind / body / soul belongs to them#i give them my everything and they give me everything they are in return
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bro Superman: Man of Tomorrow was pretty good but (spoilers)
can I get a "does the dog die" for J'onn because I was not ready for that scene and I was sitting on my front porch sobbing even though I KNEW he was going to come back bc it's a superhero movie and nobody actually fucking dies right
THAT STILL FUCKING HURT. DC WHY.
(at least he got to come back all cool and dramatic and then deliver his "so I could save your ass" line to try to be cool but just ended up being kinda awkward and adorable okay. 10/10 let Lobo teach him more swears)
#im normal#HE GOT SO MUCH SCREENTIME... VERY HAPPY. THANK U DC#IT CAME AT A HIGH PRICE BUT IT WAS WORTH IT#for anyone asking yes i spoilered it bc my friends haven't seen it yet#and i didn't even talk about this in the discord so like. yeah#superman man of tomorrow#ratkingrambles#tomorrowverse#i gotta say this is only the second Tomorrowverse movie I've seen and i like where they're going?#like it doesn't hold a candle to the Timmverse but really i don't have complaints rn#guess that could be my bias bc they're including J'onn and GL John but hey#is what it is#j'onn my beloved#someone is gonna get on this post like there's literally a does the dog die for everything. the answer is i am stupid#I WASN'T EXPECTING IT OKAY...SHH#i read all of mm 06 today too so I'm just getting hurt all over the place idk#okay im done
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god i love health insurance in this country
#would love it if it did literally anything#got to love the news that it won't cover anything at all for me in this surgery!#anyway i can still afford it and im still happy about it but like finances are so tight for me rn lmao.#its like. part of the reason ive been waiting so long for this is the pride and knowledge that i should not have to pay anything for#medical care under a just and correct system and having to set my standards aside and grovel for the fucking. necessary and life saving#stuff i need to not feel horrible and disgusting and ugly every day of my life is debasing and dehumanizing#to sum it u#i'm just really frustrated rn.#its so hard to like... go get help or do anything for myself in the first place ever because like. every single time i try to do anything i#get slapped with the harshest penalties known to mankind#you could argue that i could have tried to find a different doctor or whatever but i need my hand held through everything and i still think#that this one was the proper and correct choice based on that#anyway. i have the lump sum. i dunno if i should try to finance it to make myself not feel like i have no money or what.#maybe ill try to open comissions or something but idk if i even have time for that#like im still going to send them the request to reimburse me for my fucking medical bills anyway and i know theyre not going to because#fuck you. but still. id like a letter saying 'fuck you vintage go die and give me 10 grand' instead of just trusting some schmuck over the#phone about it. lmao.#im so tired. i need a break.#between this and work i think its killing me.#im hopeful my blood pressure isnt going to be too high for clearence lmao i am so fuckign worried about that because if it is then like.#nothing ive done at all to prepare for it has mattered at all#i need to be unemployed i am so tired of working for a living i just want to crawl in a hole and sleep for forever
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the part of me that wants to get involved in more stranger things fan content and discussing theories and whatnot VS the part of me that absolutely hates looking at any sort of fan content or theories that don’t directly align with the specific version of it i have in my brain. fight fight fight fight
#like... working on an ST fic rn that's like#a continuation of s4 and basically how i envision the series ending#with more of a focus on will's queerness bc uhhhhh obviously#and if it doesnt immediately work w this idea of the Vibe i have in my head#then it must Die gsfdhjgk#even like my dad showed me this article like 'what we know so far about s5' or w/e#aand there was so much that i was like uuuuh no#idc if the duffers said that they're Wrong dhsfgdjkg#some shit abt how there's gonna be a time skip#which like ok i fully get that LMAO bc the actors are no longer Actual Children#but im like hmmmmmm anyway they go right back to fixing the issue lmao bye#ALSO it was like 'some of the characters will probably die!' no bitch! they will have a happy end!#i stg i have this fear that they'll do a speedrun bury your gays thing w will like spn cas LMAO#let's see who does it faster!#llike for real i could even see will dying being a good point in the story#as Fucking Sad as i wwould be#bc that is my little baby boy who i kin so fucking hard#like. he is Very important to all of this despite them kind of forgetting how important he is#and i am Terrified that they'll have him confess and then FUCKING DIE#annyway. i need to. calm down. gdhsfjgkl#i say things
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.
#it’s so fun to post abt her in here bc ik she’ll probably see it#im giggling every time :3 and when she indirectly replies to my posts im always like ‘oh hi baby 🥰’ in my head#n when she posts abt me i get so giddy >.< makes me happy stim sometimes too#im so happy with her i could explode rn#my baby mine all mine <3 she wants me so so bad it makes me happy#i can see myself loving her very much. SHES SO CUTE AND SWEET AND SILLY AND HOT AND AND 🥺#if anyone else looks at her the wrong way they will die a painful death btw ☺️#sam.txt
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this has been a very "I wanna scream my head off" kind of day for me
its like every little thing just upsets me and I keep finding to reasons why my life is pointless and the ONLY THING that is keeping me going is that people will be sad if I die, like if people truly didn't give a fuck about me I would just go off in the woods and just let nature take me in which ever way it wanted.
#Venting#its just how I've been feelin lately#idk if its still like PMS#I think im still cramping but holy shit#why am I alive honestly?#just so others are just happy I'm here?#thats the only reason im breathing rn#I'm just sick of being stuck here#I wish I could speed time up so I can die faster
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gggrrrrrr i feel ,,, like i can't make a big post abt what's bothering me bc i swear she doesn't follow me but she lurks on here from time 2 time so I'm ranting in the tags here side note I wish I could shut the fuck up but im struggling with that!!!!! >:(
#if u see this kai i love u#im so fucking stressed rn all i think abt is getting fucked up and od'ing so like yikes thats a problem#im tryna be excited and happy abt visiting fl but its so hard to keep my shit together rn#shes upset over her dad and low key taking it out on me and ik we're both stressed to the max#i can tell im having a problematic episode and its showing#i feel so annoying 2 every1 every time i say anything its eating at my brain#i feel like a shit person bc i wish i could do more for every1 but i cant even do for myself rn#i just want to smoke n drink n get fucked up and hav no cares in the world#i wanna drink sossooooo bad but my FL friends are gonna b watching over me like a hawk#i just wanna get away and do fuckshit but at the same time id rather kms than do drugs with those ppl ever again#like 2 1/2 years ago chase came by to help us move shit and he literally handed me a bag of meth and was like u want some?? i said wtf#i kicked him out bc he knew i was sober and i genuinely hate meth i accidentally did it 1 time on new years eve i swear i was finna die#i tried coke that night and i was on acid it felt truly magical i luvvv acid n coke#i just hav a rly bad coke problem but ive been sober since 2020!!!!#doesnt mean i dont think abt it allll the timeeee#sobriety rocks! jk jk this is the hardest shit ever#its just me n my nic vape against the world huh
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