#im not very chatty with ppl i dont work with a lot and even then i still struggle sometimes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

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oh, continuing on from too-long, incoherent post made hours ago when nobody was online, obvs, No-Friends Club members put ur hands in—

one weird thing i remembered is the Experience of like, time to put interpersonal boundaries in place by setting boundaries on My Own Emotions, you know what i’m saying! like for example the Cold Math issue of having no friends, where like, you have a few ppl who talk with you, and just like, thanks to proportions and statistics alone, on your end its like thank god for these noble few who are each like, 490% of the good interactions you get in life, the beautiful line of defense between you and utter isolation, and on their end its gonna be like, you’re a person they talk to sometimes. and that’s too easy to forget sometimes so i just commit to remembering it, and like, deliberately Not getting overenthused/overinvested about it, cuz it’s just not fun to sorta put the cart before the horse and then have the repeated realization that you’re really not going to be an official friend or whatever or that significant a figure in other ppl’s lives. rough!! you know what i’m talking about re: this experience?

it’s just tricky and i don’t even entirely have a handle on it to this day (tho a way better handle on it than when i had to figure out how this situation worked years ago) in part cuz like, actually, despite having been isolated in varying degrees for like, basically my whole life except less during college tho i often had Big Lonely problems then too, despite that and also despite anxiety ishes (issues) and discomfort with social situations sometimes for other reasons, i’m like, actually a real social person when its the kind of social setup i Can be comfortable with, which is a decent variety imo. and i really like people actually, if they arent terrible, and i really like interacting with them If They Arent Terrible, and in theory i would Love to have friends and that’s always been true. and im an enthusiastic and passionate person, what can i say, so it’s a funky time having to reign that in when yknow, generally, like “oh im excited to have a friend” should be a wholly positive sentiment that’s not gonna burn you as long as the other person isn’t evil. but! i do gotta rein in that sentiment. like settle down. like i was saying before about not “hoping” to have friends technically even tho of course i’d always like to and like, if anything erring on the side of caution and not being like, oh yeah these ppl who interact on occasion / amicably with me are my friends. undersell myself eh. if i have friends i’ll try to figure it out after the fact rather than overestimate connections and be disappointed ad infinitum or what have u

also! bring it tf in for ppl with “weird” social skills! losers since preschool or whenever you started being around groups of your age peers! having the intangible Vibe that ppl pick up on and you get sort of socially written off or the Sort-Of-Contempt which is loads of fun. and kind of operating on slightly different frequencies communication wise, or having your social / behavioral cues be misread b/c its not the “normal” meaning, all that kinda thing, so that your Trying To Be Friendly might be Weird In A Bad Way to other ppl, or your social discomfort getting read as “they don’t like us” instead of “they aren’t comfortable with some aspects of this situation”, etc etc etc.....it’s a bummer cuz like, thank god for online socialization b/c in a lot of ways for a lot of reasons its so much more doable for me, but there’s still ways it has downsides, like, i don’t like groupchats which is like, synonymous with We’re Actual Friends Now, so, tough break for me there, and i don’t often start talking to ppl b/c i don’t assume any particular individual would be interested in that and it takes ages for it to occur to me that anyone might, and i don’t think i always am that good at writing my thoughts and also just like In Person i often don’t know what/how to say things even with zero pressure and also just like in person i can be sort of cagey and Underwhelming......whereas IN person i can actually be chatty as fuck and often overtalkative and i like to Get Silly and all that shit. not to say im not underwhelming in person, too! cuz yeah most of the time im overly quiet and people are surprised when i talk or when i make reference to the fact i have Big Opinions and big emotions b/c they thought i just had an equally quiet inner world i guess lol.......like yeah!! on one hand i’m like woops im fucking this up cuz im holding back and on the other hand its like uh oh now im making a mess cuz when i dont hold back im generally not In Accordance With Ppls Tastes And Preferences cuz im being too much. sort of lose-lose-lose. me and cats are the same. also i ought to be better at initiating conversation but i’m crap at it cuz im like, lowkey constant assumption that if ppl arent talking to me they don’t want to and it’d be annoying to say something, which is not Correct. but also i’m always nervous and nervous about ppl. oh well, we’ll get there maybe

anyways i like when characters have no friends and it’s not for lack of trying/wanting them!! it’s a weird experience and ya love that Relatable Material. like its funny alana calling everyone “acquaintances” cuz im out here doing that already lol my friendly acquaintances......like ideally yeah it’d be nice to have close friends but i do appreciate Being A Casual Fixture On The Perimeters Of Someone’s Life And Maybe Sometimes I Get To Be A Small Positive Experience In Their Existence for what it is, but it Is fairly depressing being the fleeting NPC in the outer / tangential orbits of mostly everybody who knows you. c’est la vie!!!! it is both good and not good. anyway back to acquaintances. yeah like seeing that “earnest efforts to have friends but it fails for various reasons” is fun cuz like yeah!! population: Same! though i’ve never really been like that specific character. i also like the book “the murder of bindy mackenzie” and the character is kind of like alana’s too. an academically supersuccessful girl who tries to reach out to her peers but her methods don’t work and she’s misreading others and others are misreading her and she’s distressed about various aspects of her life and also, someone’s trying to kill her. though i wasn’t too much like those other characters either. i feel like luna lovegood makes the list, on account of she like, is just nice and friendly but nobody likes her because of apparently weird interests which shouldnt be considered weird but i guess that was a probably-accidental commentary on how arbitrary Social Acceptability can be, and also because she is sort of unusual in terms of her average demeanor, and that’s not really reason not to like her but not only does she have no friends but also people are just sort of mean to her. feels real man! fondly recalling the times i’ve had to realize in retrospect that people were actually making fun of me...etc etc...other depressing things......and shoutout to the black suits for having that collective representation of varying ways to be a weird dumbass with Issues who nobody likes. very meta that i’ve wished i could be in a shitty for-fun high school garage band for the Hanging Out With Friends aspect of it alone. nato is also great representation for “superlative academic performance but doesn’t actually care about school and only cares about like, a snail he saw today, and being a weird goofaround loser 24/7”

where was i going with this!! just adding on more ideas i guess. Tumblr Mobile Don’t Eat My Post. other lifelong members of the no-friends-and-it-sucks club @ me!! struggling with figuring out how to at least feel more okay with your crappy social experience because there’s no real way to feel good about it but we’re at least trying to feel less bad, @ me! we’re valid and we’re Didn’t Ask For This But Here We Are

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survivorbahamas · 7 years

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EPISODE THREE: “I AM BRIAN HEIDEK” - BRIAN

idk whats happening int his game i was gone for one night and now im on a different tribe with ppl i dont know so this is gonna be fun

You last time I made a confessional, I was pissing myself off at the crazy bat shit Willa has said about our lovely Ysabela tribe. Well look at that. Just take a good look. Maybe snap a picture cause they last longer, but we still managed to scrape elimination and were still 6 strong at Final 14. Its hilarious when people have to eat their words.

Okay wyd? A swap already? At 15? This had to be planned to make us bond with our new tribes and everything. I thought I had to be done being peppy and preppy on Day 1, maybe on Day 19 to the new people you haven't seen at all prior to the merge. But on Day 9? This better play to our pretty faces. I don't want to go to my first tribal council and be the first one out via swap and be swap fucked yet again. #HeresToHoping

This tribe swap is not good for me at all considering the only person I know is Brian. Which means I have to make even more relationships

I'm really content with my new tribe swap because I've got Rob, I've got Julia Rae, I think I have a bond with Brian forming right now. I rely on pregame relationships so much at the moment and while that will make any stellar performance less impressive, at least I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. I want to play UTR but I don't know how believable that will be for everyone else... maybe I need to actually be over the top like usual? But then doesn't that set me up for a quick blindside??? I dunno! All I know is that Mitch and Chris and Zach need to go sooner rather than later. I gotta see to it that they are out of this game.

IS. THERE. ANYTHING. BETTER. THAN. BEING. SWAPPED. ALONE. Ya, there fucking is...literally everything. You couldn't give me Bodhi? I couldn't even get Rob? Maybe I can have the other half of the super idol as a reward for this GARBAGE? I'm here alone and idk anybody so I am going to LEVERAGE THIS SITUATION AND PLAY LIKE THE TRU QUEEN I CAN BE. I'm going to be tryin moves these people couldn't even conceive of honestly. I have nothin to lose. nuYsabela tribe is four original Cigateos and three original Eleutheras. Honestly, there are worse positions to be in because these majority groups will be vying for control, and maybe i'll just be forgotten about for a lil and I can exploit that to make my moves. Hopefully these tribes aren't that close and some of their members were inactive --as most of original Ysabela was. If they weren't, hopefully people are looking to work with me since i can really sway things in a vote on this tribe. Original Cigateo: Gage, Mitch, Jenna, Zach - I've talked to Gage and Mitch a little bit so far. I need to look into Mitch a little bit. I've seen him around before, and i'm certain a lot of people know him. Also Jaiden just called Mitch out for being the most threatening on my tribe, so maybe I can use that and his past relationships against him? But i'm not doubting that since I've heard of him, he must have some real talent in these games. Also it's never bad to have a bigger threat than yourself around in this game, so i'm going to focus on developing this relationship more tomorrow. I've also heard Gage's name before, so i'm going to look him up too. Im going to put my clutch research skills to the test on this one. Time to make moves, ya know? Original Eleuthera: Nick, Willa, Lily- Talked to all three a little. Willa made their tribe bonds look really weak, and if that's true, amazing. I'd rather get some of these Eleutheras out of here personally so that original Ysabela and their dysfunctional asses have a better chance at numbers later in the game. But I also don't want to get picked off by original Cigateo if I work to deplete original Eleuthera. Don't get it twisted, I want original Ysabela to have numbers because, with the exception of Bodhi and Chris, it was full of players I believe to have very little self-awareness, meaning I could manipulate them and hopefully get further in the game. Threats need to go, and the sheeple of original Ysabela are the ones I need to get to the end. Finally, I still have half the super idol/ it can be a regular idol if I need. This gives me some power, but I still don't plan on telling anybody. ldol tea only comes out to play if it can change the course of the game in a significant way. I have a clue to another idol on Ysabela too, which is nice because being the only original Ysabela tribe member left here means I should be the only one with this information. Maybe I could use it to gain some favor with a new ally? But i want to keep it to myself for another round because I think I could potentially find it faster and with more certainty alone. But also, i'm tryin not to get too cocky, paranoid, or set on either UTR or OTT gameplay in this season. I want to be flexible... so everything could change as soon as tomorrow!

Ho Ly Shit. We fucking swapped. I figured we'd wait just a little longer, but nope!! It's all about the TWISTS. Icky. In my view, a tribe should exist for more than just 2 challenges, so that it actually feels like a tribe rather than a temporary group. But whatever, I don't mind all that much. I'm glad to be on this new tribe, because I don't really like anyone from my old tribe except for Dana. Fortunately, due to this swap, no one will see myself and Dana as a pair, and I'll be able to get some of my old tribe picked off ideally. I've started my conversing, and I like Zachary. I want to work with Chris, but it also might be in my best interest to get him voted out. I don't want too many allies on the same sides, because that makes me a threat. I want an ally or two in each alliance, and hopefully that'll be enough to bring me to the end. My loyalty is completely with Dana, but I need a backup plan should she be voted out. My goal on this tribe is to form another alliance that will allow me to be on the right side of the merge vote at the very least. I'm here to win, and I intend to follow through with this goal. Perhaps it will work out, perhaps it wont, but I'm planning on playing the best game that I can this season. I don't really know what this challenge is, I'll just trust everyone else to try hard enough and make me win. I'll try to contribute, but winning challenges is the first step to losing the game.

The thing I love about swaps is that you get to meet new people and really form those newer bonds that didn't exist with the old tribal lines. But the thing is with my case. 5/6 of my old tribe is on Citageo 2.0 and we got Brian and Rob in place if Dana. Like wtf? I love my tribemates, but I'm at a disadvantage here if Rob and Brian can rekindle whatever relationships they have personally with my more known Tumblr tribemates. So I need this immunity win, and I really need to avoid tribal council at all costs.

Oh hey I just realized that 5/8 people on my new tribe are from original Ysabela. That sounds like a good thing, right? WRONG. If us 5 make it to the merge unhurt, then we're VERY easy targets. If the other tribe loses immunity, they might feel inclined to vote out Dana first, which is awful for me. I care about Dana more than the rest of my tribe combined, so I have nothing against flipping on Ysabela to make our numbers less threatening. I'll need one more person to help me do it, but I think it could work out. If I save these 3's asses, they're going to open up to me a bit more, and while I don't expect them to feel indebted to me, I do expect them to at least want to work with me more going forward. I don't like Jaiden or Adrian all that much anyway, so creating some lies about how they're sneaky and trying to lead the tribe should be easy as hell. I plan on contributing to this challenge just enough to make people not turn on me, but not enough to win. Dana will be going home if Nu Cigaretto or whatever the fuck we're called wins immunity. I hate big moves for big moves sake, but this might be an exception to the "big moves are for idiots" rule that I tend to play by. I'm getting in good with Zachary and Kai, and I'm trying to make Chris more inclined to work with me. Hopefully this shit will work out.

So I just realized that a good majority of this cast played in Big Brother Glenn or had a large part in it. Nicholas being a host, Jenna, Jaiden and Zach playing with me. Oh I can't wait to send them all to fucking tribal so they can be booted off one by one for the cumulative 23 votes I received. Actually, I hope they make the merge so I can personally send them home.

Honestly why is everyone gettin on my nerves today. First of all, I try to talk strategy with Lily, and get this: On 5/26/17, at 12:44 PM, Lily Douma wrote: > I'm not ready to think about it. Honestly. Haha let's forget about it. Or just win this thing. We can still win. UM WHAT? You think you're going to avoid talking strategy with me by just telling me you aren't in the mood? COME ON. Honestly that's not workin for me. Despite that, I still like her the most of anyone on my tribe. and then... On 5/26/17, at 1:07 PM, Lily Douma wrote: > Yeah that's super strange. I hope we win but even if we don't I hope you stick around. On 5/26/17, at 1:27 PM, Lily Douma wrote: > Thank you!!! You are too kind! I'm just a Chatty Cathy hahaha. But you are pretty easy to talk to and actually respond with more than two words which is amazing. UM HELLO? I will be sticking around, know that. Also I'm just like generally annoyed by Jenna's presence? Like idk her yet, but I just have this gut feeling we aren't going to click based on tribe/ immunity chat and that sucks. Also i'm going to need people to step it up in immunity. thx.

Highkey I like to write quality entries, but since this is to earn points for the challenge I'm going to not. Anyway, we had a tribe swap and so far I like pretty much everybody who has spoken to me. I sort of feel that there are people I haven't reached out to yet and that's my next objective on top of winning immunity.

So I know that Willa has an idol but we need to find the other side. Nicholas is also interested in working with Willa so I'm excited about that. Hopefully we can all make it to merge!

I miss kai on my tribe tho. I tell him everything. So it's hard to not talk about the idol because I really want to. I kinda hope my tribe loses so I don't have to worry about him getting voted out.

Jk. I love kai but I'm not ready to go home or get lost in this game. I'm super worried I won't find my way back. I can't afford to get lost in the Bermuda Triangle man. I ain't strong enough.

I decided to send myself ~away~ because this means that I might have an additional opportunity to find any advantages. My tribe is already five people strong from original Ysabela, so I'm not worried about being on the bottom of the numbers or anything, which means that I have literally nothing to worry about. I still want to work with Rob and Julia Rae though because they're honestly my closest allies and I rely on them A TON right now.

So our tribe is floundering at the moment, which isn't surprising. I wish I could do more to help out, but I just have no energy whatsoever. I'm not fast enough to think of survivor players to compare hosts to or write a 500 word essay.

Hello world. Already did a confessional today, but here is one for some points in Tasks. It isnt lookin too hot for my tribe right now tbh. But it's fine. I really like Lily and I'm ready to mix shit up. Also why is everyone bothering me. Like pls help me.

this is three sentences. nothing has really happened lately! this challenge is pretty hard but that's because i'm busy. i hope my tribe doesn't decide to vote me out :(

This game is just crazy. Between the other nights random spontaneous tribal, the also random tribe swap after 2 people and the magical idol board I've just discovered I'm confused as to what I'm even doing... to be fair as long as we win this immunity challenge and the rest, I won't complain. Let's just hope we don't get any more twists thrown at us any time soon because I don't think I'm ready for another one just yet..

Jaiden can choke. Brian is dumb. Kai is cool. Julia who? Bodhi whomst? Chips is cool.

Good time to actually send a confessional lmao. Anyways, a 4-3-1 swap is awkward being in the 3 because Dana could easily just flip, but hopefully we can convince her to stay close and for Zach to flip on the Cigs so that we can take control. If all else fails I just hope I use my idol correctly if I need to. Myself Lily and Nicholas could be in a great spot if we play this right, and then if we can realign with Kai and Brian we might just be ~unstoppable~ at the merge. Not that a boring pagonging is gonna be allowed by any one of us crazy losers.

OK OK OK (now ladies) So I've been talking to Chris about this new tribe, trying to plant the seeds of flippage. He has brought up that Julia and Jaiden are a pair, and I said that I think ADRIAN IS PART OF A TIGHT THREESOME WITH THEM. I'm trying to make Chris want to be a close ally of mine, and want to flip to join Kai/Brian/Rob and take out one of our old tribe members. I want to win this game, and making dumb big moves might unfortunately be in my best interest.

"Someone type gimmie in chat to get an individual advantage and go to tribal" So I go to tribe chat to type gimmie, even though I don't want any advantage, just because I want Dana to win immunity BUT SOMEONE ELSE GOT IT FIRST BUT THANK GOD ----- IT WAS ON MY TRIBE

http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/survivor/images/2/23/Parvati_with_2_idols.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120114024916 Who would've thought that little ol' me would be in the possession of my two least favorite powers in Tumblr Survivor history? I have not only a Sapphire idol, but now I have a CHAOS idol... and I don't think anyone is much the wiser! *Sarah voice* I'm playing like a criminal. I threw the challenge and RIGHT before I left, I told Rob and Julia that it was Bodhi because he wasn't speaking UNTIL the challenge had ended, almost right after it was announced that we had lost. I hope that little seed EXPLODES in their heads and they gun for him to go, and he won't even know what hit him! Although I'd prefer Chris take the boot, Bodhi will have to do for now. Sorry, bro! Along my personal advantaggedon, I have this cool little thing that forces the person of your choosing to take a self vote. I like this because it could help me out in the future with one of my idols being as effective as possible. For everything to go smoothly though, I really need to make sure that I'm set to make the merge without attending a SINGLE tribal council between now and then. I can't have an excuse to waste these things until that time comes, but with that being said I also need to make sure I'm in a good enough position to not *have* to use them in any period of time. Fingers crossed!

I love that we're in the lead. Chris, Brian and Rob are challenge beasts with this. Jaiden and I are like participating with the conversations and like boosting morale for Cigateo, while Julia, Kai and Bodhi haven't made a single appearance. And we're still winning because of those three. Huh who knew that Brian and Rob are really working to get immunity cause I guess their afraid of being eliminated premerge? Idk, cause there are 5 people from Ysabela 1.0 here on this swapped tribe and I guess that they are scared idk. I mean, both men are really really sweet people, and it would suck to see any of them leave before my og tribe. but hey what can you do?

And of course one of these selfish people had to sacrifice everything we had for an advantage that was probably not really worth it. Like was it a clue to the idol? to a legacy advantage? to a double vote? who knows? I'm just pissed that I have to vote someone off because I was really looking forward to taking the weekend off and like get to know my new tribemates more. But now, I have to press for someone's name and that's something I don't want to do?

Ok so no one was talking to me about the vote at first. Then Chris told me that he'd heard my name because PEOPLE THINK I'VE BEEN THROWING CHALLENGES????? Ok well I am but that's besides the point. Chris then said he threw out Julia, and after some more waiting, Adrian told me he'd heard both my name and Julia's. BIG IF TRUE. He also said he's not gonna be voting me. Hey, that's perfect. I don't want to go home without my fictional million dollars, and I won't take 16th place for an answer. Rob has also told me he's voting Julia

Well not only we forfeited the lead to this challenge, people are targeting to breakup the Ysabela 5? Is that some alliance I wasn't notified about? Just because we have the majority on this new tribe and that we happened to play the first 6 days of this game together? I know that people are on the outs trying to find a way in- but that is the shittiest reason to target people because of some rat that threw the lead. Like, that is really really pathetic, and I can't deal with ridiculous that sounds. Well if it does go through, I just hope I don't get the boot cause going home third would really really suck.

Lol Jaiden. I don't know about him. We have this bond with Hoenn, and I was counting on him not being present for tribal council, but lo and behold- he's back. I should be relieved but I don't think that it was smart of him to be "back". Like if you're given the chance to escape tribal council and not vote/not get votes for, I would take it the first chance I can. But here he is saying that "I don't like doing nothing for an extended period of time." ............. I- BITCH! YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE... PERIOD! This game irritates me and I won't stand for it. I can wait for a given chance to go ham in this game.

me: here's a good strategic idea! also me: jk let's use my powers for teh lolz! I think I'm gonna play my sapphire idol tonight to make some big moves. Actually, just one big move. I'm going to send Chris's ugly ass to the prejury home of losers... all because he's coming for my actual mother, Julia Rae. We'll see how this goes! That's all for now because I have NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING

I am screwed. I'm the only cigarette left on Cigarette. Fuck! And I was starting to really like Gage too but I called it! I told him we're swapping cause an instant was sketchy for round two. On my tribe there's Jaiden, Brian, Adrian, Bodhi, Kai, Chips, and Julia. Right now, I'm talking to Brian. He's been active and he was on urethra which is also in minority on this tribe. He talked about how me, him, and Kai should work together, and I'm down for it as long as it keeps me safe. However, I know that Brian is sketchy and not someone I'm really keen on. There's Jaiden and Chips. I love Chips, but I'm worried he may hold our previous experiences against me. Jaiden is such a wild card I don't know what to expect from him. He told me he wanted a F2 but he said that to me the last times we played too and I couldn't trust him. Julia is a part of that BB group I'm seeing and we played in a mini before, she voted for me everytime and I'm upset about it. Adrian is cool, and so is Kai,. Bodhi has been MIA. The immunity is tasks and I'm trying to do a lot for my tribe so they don't think I'm worthless and I can keep me safe. I poured water over my head! And put vegetable oil in my yogurt! Brian is really trying to build trust with me. He freaking shared the idol clue with me and revealed he lost the points for our tribe. Always Eat Soggy Waffles. Whether it's faked or not we'll see, but I assumed North before cause all the hosts are from the north. I'm happy I was out and had an alibi which actually happened. Thanks fam for losing my social security and birth certificate. The challenge was fun but someone took us to tribal for a freaking advantage when we were in the lead. And now this fucking tribal is a mess. I'm pretty sure that Bodhi took the advantage. It just screams Bodhi whatever the fuck his unique last name is. He's inactive also but I know he's smart, and he's going to be the death of this tribe, but people want Julia, and I can see it. She's also inactive and she has more connections with people. Adrian threw out Kai's name cause he didn't accept friend requests, but I am sort of working with Kai. Kai is with Brian though, and I can't necessarily trust Brian. It kept on switching back and forth, but in order to save myself in this game, I thought that I should try to appease Adrian, give him what he wants and vote Kai. Adrian is clearly with Julia and Bodhi, but I'm already fucked up as it is. I wanted Bodhi, he's not trustworthy at all, damn it. I'm already screwed over. I'm breaking the trust of my allies. And i can't fucking deal with this. Fuck this. Fuck everything. Bodhi can choke. Julia can leave. Kai can stay in the UK. Brian can not speak ever again. Everything can just go ahh! I hate this, I hate everything. I shouldn't have applied to this game. I should of just never played an org again I know that this is the shit that happens and it's so stupid. Whoever took that advantage, I will fight you. I'm an idiot. I'm the worst. I suck at this game. Andrea was talking about me not Zeke.

The whole 4 hours leading up to the tribal, everything is chaotic. You first see me throwing Bodhi's name around and then having people jump on the gun like Rob. He's telling me that he's known for sabotaging the tribe for secret advantages, and he's doing all the dirty work for me- telling Chris, Brian and Jaiden. Next comes Chris, who's not so sure that Bodhi is the right person to vote, and I had to find this out from Brian, who told me that he wanted Julia out. So I talk to him and I'm like wtf, shes one of the original Ysabela. We have 5 people strong and you're gonna waste it on Julia? How stupid can you be? We should be taking it out on Kai, the one person that hasn't been talking to anyone (well me mainly). But aside from that. WTF!?!? Couple hours later, Julia FINALLY arrives and talks strategy, and she's a helluva sweet person. Like Chris targeting her is extremely stupid and really really dumb on his part, and so we created the "Howdy" alliance with myself, Julia, Jaiden, and Rob and we all decided that with the inactive Kai that makes 5 people voting Kai and we save Julia and Bodhi, and keep my plans of Ysabela strong at 5. So I am confident that this will work!!

Okay wtf was that? A blind tribal with a chaos idol? Holy fuck. Jaiden is a savage motherfucker and I didn't realize how much of an asshole he can be for sabotaging our tribe like that for a secret advantage that took out one of our strongest members. Like I love Chris and everything, but he played his own self and I am here on Day 11, happy and dandy and really I'm just glad that Jaiden didn't target me at all. Since it is Day 11, I think I need to assess my new tribe after that chaotic voteoff. - Julia is safe and she thinks that I'm her #1 ally. - Bodhi is safe cause he thought I voted with him and kept him in the loop about voting Julia - Brian thinks that I'm the one Ysabella that would "let him in" on my plans with the 5, cause he's desperately scared of going home premerge. - Rob is a sweetheart, but I don't know how he plays considering that he will jump on anything that would take him further in this game. - Jaiden, phew KING of surviving the Triangle and pulling off that dangerous move. I think that he's gonna be target number one if we don't win this next immunity challenge, but I could not care less because that means I'm safe for another few days and he can take his risky ass back home! - Kai, should've gone home over Chris, but what can you do? I'll try to get him out this round.

So Brian comes to me after tribal council saying that the tribal was fucked over. I'm playing the sweet little innocent that is playing the sympathy card. Sure I was blindsided by the vote too but with me, I never wanted Julia or Bodhi to go home. I wanted Kai gone and with Chris sprouting Julia's name left and right- I got over that shock immediately and I'm trying to console Brian as much as I can. He's like this adorable puppy that gets scared with literally everything. I'm just petting him and calming him down. Making sure he's sedated and doesn't do anything wild that might screw me in the process before its time for me to neuter him >:)

Ok, so CHRIS went home. This is not good. This is not good at all. I've just lied to you. I'm glad to have been blindsided. I'm now getting an opportunity to build even closer trust with Kai, and I think that'll be incredibly valuable for me.

Im the fucking worst

Guess who is REAPING SOME INFO me So Kai told me that when you search North, mossy, mossy pit, there's an "idol table," which basically asks you to put in a number every day to see if you find something. I'll be looking there when I get the chance. Then Dana told me that she got the clue "Never Eat Sucky Waffles. What's wrong with this?" We're thinking out the possibilities. She thinks that Sucky not being Soggy is the problem, but I think the problem is that it left out Middle. But who knows. I've worked on solidifying bonds with Kai and Rob, and I think it's going to really pay off in the long run. It better. If they're lying to me, I'm fucked, because I'm saying stuff about disliking my old tribe mates to gain their trust

Ok, I have a dilemma. I want to win this next challenge, because I want to prove to my tribe that I'm not gonna be throwing challenges. However, I don't want Dana to go home, and I do want Adrian to go home. I also want to get rid of Jaiden and Julia. Throwing the next 3 challenges would be in my best interest if not for the fact that people are aware of my challenge throwing past. I need to prove my worth so that I don't get voted out, but I also need to play a smart game.

Ya girl got an idol board tonight. Catch me getting all the idols this season honestly.

From looking past seasons that used an idol board, I know using it alone is kind of ineffective. If I can look 1 time a day with 81 options, my odds aren't great. Right now I literally can't tell anyone about it though, because everyone I trust is on the other tribe and his name is Bodhi. I tried to tease out some idol info from Lily tonight, since she and I have been getting close since swap. We literally have so much in common, more than anybody i've met in an ORG before, so that makes talking really easy. She said she's been looking in the ocean and hasn't found anything. Ok chill. Maybe that's tru, there are 9 places to look... BUT I looked there once and found a clue tho sooo. Perhaps Lily is lyin or maybe she isn't, I can't tell, so i'm not giving her any hints about the idol board. But I did tell her I got an extra idol search from reward in good faith to build trust. Also am I being terrible or is Jenna actually annoying? I might target her if given the chance. On 5/29/17, at 1:14 AM, jenna (kamikaze host) wrote: > what does my mango do UMM IDK BUT PROBABLY SOMETHING SINCE YOU WON'T STOP BRINGING IT UP LIKE THOSE DAMN FRUITS ARE USELESS.

It's really not looking good for us again... I think we're gonna have to goto tribal... again

Today, I attempted to bolster my relationship with Kai. I was trying to talk to him about the challenge, but he said something along the lines of "my score isn't very high yet, I'm gonna go play minecraft." Right away, I think back to my old addiction. I used to play way too much minecraft, but I haven't in about 2 years now. That is, up until today. Kai wants to play minecraft? Then so do I! We get in a call, and talk about a bunch of different stuff. Nothing substantial, but enough to make him feel like I'm very much on his side. And I am on his side, but I need to make sure that he trusts me enough going forward. He asked me how many survivor ORGs I've played, so I told him the answer (5 including this one) and he told me his answer (this is his first.) He seems to trust my judgment in terms of who is the best vote enough to at least consider what I'm saying, but not enough to consider it infallible. To be honest, I'm glad thats the case. I don't want to be his 'superior' per say, I'd rather be his guiding friend who he couldn't survive without. We talked about seasons that he likes, and out of the few seasons that he's seen, Game Changers and Cambodia are in his top 3. That's an icky set of choices in my opinion, but he's entitled to disagree. He likes seasons because of strategy, which is very valuable to know. He'll be down for a good strat talk, but he'll also be too ready to make a big move if he feels threatened by me. I hope he is enough of a baby bird that he wants to stick with me permanently, but I do think that he has the potential to flip on me. I don't think that he is planning on doing so yet, but if the opportunity arises at final 7ish, I wouldn't be that surprised. I LOVE THIS CHALLENGE. I am CREMATING everyone else. I am CIRCUMCISING them with DENTAL FLOSS. This challenge is MINE TO WIN. can i get an amen please?

I just decimated this challenge so hard. I needed to do something to redeem my throwing challenges in the past. I spent most of my 17th birthday playing this challenge, and I was done already in the very morning with my highest score. What a massive waste of a day. Now I'm a challenge threat to some extent. Icky

Daisy just told me to make a confessional. I just made one, but I'll make another for you daisy

This. Sucks. I don't wanna. I don't wanna. Well. I have so many ideas of who should go home but idk. We will see.

I'm probably going to get voted out. I haven't talked with anyone because of this illness and going camping. Maybe they'll be better off without me anyway.

The past few challenges had 2 of our castaways have birthdays. 1 of them did really really shitty on the reward challenge and really cost us a fruit basket and a challenge advantage. Then, the other literally outscored everyone in this immunity challenge and gave us the night off- even with the advantage going into the challenge. This is the second time where I'm immune from tribal council where the opposing tribe had an advantage. It seems to me like these reward challenges with advantages as the reward prove to be really ironic and I love that!! If I can get to the merge with little blood on my hands I'll be set.

Me doing the best in the challenge on my tribe? A concept. Like I'm always useless when it comes to challenges so if I'm doing well and you aren't, it's because you aren't trying. I knew this was going to happen because I'M SMART AND I SEE RIGHT THROUGH THESE PEASANTS. They don't give a fuck about the challenge because they have better shit going on, but guess what? Now my ass is on the line and the people on my tribe probably think i'm an easy elim. Except me and my girlfriend the hidden immunity idol are here to shake shit up and push our own agenda. The only person who is even talking to me after this loss is Gage, and if that isn't telling then idk what is. Lily is probably just not around right now to be honest and i'm sure we'll talk later, but I have no idea what everyone else is thinking. [5/29/17, 10:23:30 PM] Dana: fuck, i hate this so much. now im worried. any thoughts? [5/29/17, 10:23:35 PM] Gage :): None [5/29/17, 10:23:42 PM] Gage :): Like I'm basically voting where you vote [5/29/17, 10:23:46 PM] Gage :): Because I'm not gonna lie [5/29/17, 10:23:58 PM] Gage :): The only people on this tribe that speak to me are you and lily [5/29/17, 10:24:14 PM] Dana: haha aint that the truth. I literally only talk to you and lily [5/29/17, 10:26:06 PM] Dana: i have no idea how to vote, but i really want to work with you and Lily no matter what [5/29/17, 10:26:26 PM] Gage :): Literally exact same [5/29/17, 10:26:28 PM] Gage :): Honestly [5/29/17, 10:26:39 PM] Gage :): If us 3 stick together we could probably control this vote Gage wanted to pull in Mitch, and confirmed he wasn't close with Jenna and Zach, so hopefully I can work with Mitch too. Lily and I were already close and this morning I found out Willa is close with her too, that they think they have Nick from their OG tribe, and that they are getting closer with Zach. So the plan I heard was: Gage, Lily, Willa, Mitch, Me, and probably Nick/ Zach. Well that only leaves Jenna to go, except Zach and Jenna are close and nobody threw her name out there. As long as it isn't me, Lily, or Gage at this point idrc who goes home because those are the people I see myself working with moving forward in the game. UPDATE: As I write this, Gage has gone missing. Of course, the bitch herself, random.org, is out to ruin my plans once again. Gage better crawl his way back to this tribe because I need him. I'll even go save his lost ass myself if I have to. If things don't start coming together really soon, I'm playing my idol and Jenna and her infamous boyfriend are out of here.

Yes!! Finally we don't have to go to tribal council this feels so good!!!

to know its me from now on, imma start each of my confessionals off with three stars. *** okay, so let me break down the vote. I have no fucking idea who's leaving. I'm closely aligned with Jenna and Nicholas, kind of Lily. The thing is... Lily and I have a past that like... resulted in me voting her out/getting rid of her and like ruining her dreams. so, i feel bad and i do love love her sOOOO much and wanna work with her. The name i've been hearing is Mitch. I don't really wanna vote out one of my original tribe members from the Cigateo tribe but like I doubt that will come into play. I also like wIlla. this was boring ims orry lmao fuck

Rob just gave me the shittiest attitude, so guess who I'm going to get voted out next time we have tribal council?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ib5M-GUByMc&feature=youtu.be

Brian and I have convinced Adrian that Brian is Brian Heidik. Adrian is turning so fucking artificial and being such a fan girl. It's hilarious. I can't wait for Adrian to find out at the merge.

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