#im losing it. i cant function | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

felixbian · 5 months

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havent stopped thinking about how a kiss scene was filmed. i feel like eating dirt

#that makes everything Worse #cannot stop thinking about it taking place before the party and how the betrayal would be even worse for felix #this all corresponds with jacob saying felix tries to drink and fuck his problems away #im losing it. i cant function #eyes closing blacking out head hitting the floor #saltburn brainrot is getting worse by the day

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 9 months

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ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back

it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it

#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly #i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep #bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking #and i dont want either of them to get poisoned #but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink #but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me #and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin #im very good at fucking myself over in various ways!#if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently #what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry #except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything #sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible #if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way #from a Distance!#absolutely unprompted #i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders #they scare me So much....#the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big!#i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there #but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside #so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider.#life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with #no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk #im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!

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fella-lovin-fella · 1 month

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missed my referral to a psychiatrist ive been waiting for for well over a year :/ BUT do you think this will work in my favor in getting an adhd diagnosis? 🤨

#please please i need this on paper to get properly medicated #im beyond losing it i cant function!!!!#i cant do anything #anything i like anything i dont #i just sit Paralyzed #sigh #not mlm #dantes talking again

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rearranging-deck-chairs · 2 months

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13, trying to prevent yaz from spiralling when they get separated: i need you to do a deepdive into eschatology

#fghgjhjhggh #'yea i know this sucks babe but we'll figure it out the fate of the world is on your shoulders i believe in you kisses <3'#like thats where you'll end up right #'find out when the aliens come try and take over'#eschatology and death cults and conspiracy theories probably #forced to sift through like centuries of that stuff for years on end trying to find the Real in all of it #and you cant.......stop. bc the world will end #i dont think you come out of that.................normal #even with the best starting condition you dont come out of that normal but yaz is like #functional only by virtue of her circumstances i think #she looks fine bc shes standing next to 13 #i dont think shes normal under the surface #i dont think 4 years of apocalypticism left her untouched #dan either i mean i dont think anyone comes out of that untouched but these two are like barely keeping it together beforehand #can you imagine how WEIRD theyve become #can you imagine how obliviously and kind of unsettlingly weird they'd be in support groups #the others would get it like sure none of us are really normal anymore but like #i think they'd be weird #4 years of having to depend on each other and not knowing if you'll get back home and having to take The End Times seriously nonstop as a #matter of urgency and duty #and then losing the third member of your party?#dan and yaz will be so weird and fucked up #iknow im repeating myself but im just trying to put myself in the frame of mind of #having to take intepretations of the end times seriously for 4 years #when youre already like a lowkey suicidal person to begin with #i think if yaz hangs out with 14 she'll say such weird and fucked up things entirely obliviously and he'd be like O.O #she probably still has 1900 habits that show up unexpectedly #or like just miscalibrated. has to take a trip to another country and takes a train bc she forgets planes exist #has to look up somethign and just goes SIGH. gets her coat to go to the library. and ryans like ??? ive googled it #and shes like oh fuck google

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bunnihearted · 3 days

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#this place drives me crazy....#i notice it esp bc when im outside and feel a tiny bit better #(unfortunately this city is a nightmare for a hypervigilant like me to live bc theres crazyyy much noise 24/7)#but my home has for the first 23yrs of my life been a noise wise calm place to wind down and be safe and relax #but a couple of years ago there was like a shift and everyone who moves in here are crazy #my neighbors are constantly stomping banging and thumping. constantly.......#people outside are always screaming and yelling and slamming doors and everything u can do #they let their kids run around and scream like demons and throw rocks on cats and piss on the walls #and they go around with metal pipes or sticks and hit everything #like.... im sorry if u wanna call me a childhater for saying thats fucked up then go ahead #that's not sane behavior and the parents dont raise their kids anymore #constant yelling.... anyway #we have a clan of ppl who do lots of illegal things which is above all NOISYYYYYY #they make shit in the apartment above me and then live in another and then large moving trucks come and pick it up #?????? if u wanna call me a stuck up karen for thinking thats not ok to do to your neighbors go ahead!!!!!! im a bitter bitch #i dont think it's ok to cause such disturbance to your neighbors they cant sleep or exist in peace but thats just me ig!!!!!#these ppl living here are batshit insane bc i've been here for 25 and it's never been like this #and i mean it's MY problem for being noise sensitive ofc #but i feel like my brain is CONSTANTLY always being overstimulated and i can barely function anymore #i like legit wanna kms just to escape all this noise #i dont get any quiet moment ever #not even in the middle of the night there is always some human making noise and causing a disturbance #a few years ago it could be dead quiet in the middle of the day #what has happened im losing my miiiiiiind i wanna dieeeeeeeee #what happens when i reach a point where my brain just overcooks and i explode?#what will i do? what will i do when i lose control sksksk that shit scares me i dont wanna see #i cant live like this but im stuck and i dont know how to get out #and my mom was in a smaller city the other day and she said it was a crazy amount of noise yhere to #what do i do? whrre do i go???? i might jusy have to go deaf or smth i cant do this

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hauntedtrait · 8 months

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ugh im starting to run low-ish on my migraine meds and until i can (if i can) get my medicaid back i wont be able to get more meds bc 1 card of tablets is $900+ without insurance and im soooo not looking forward to it, these tablets are the only thing that keep the migraines away and without them im gonna go back to multi-day, completely crippling migraines that leave me bedbound and unable to turn on the lights or look at my phone for more than a few minutes

#im so scared of losing my medicaid in general #once i run out of prescriptions i wont be able to afford dr visits to renew them #and without meds i will be extremely sick and unable to function #not to mention what'll happen to my psyche without my antipsychotics...#the withdrawal psychosis is bad enough #personal #im like already pre-grieving myself my body and my health for when i lose my meds if i cant get back on medicaid

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girl-bateman · 12 days

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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all #literally my soul is gone or something #i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed #which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better #alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off #like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot #like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy #moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously #but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends #i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help #idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho #like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback #kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk #it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore #but who knows 🤷‍♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol #that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown #like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way #and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever #and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality #plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good #but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you #but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !

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queeranddepraved · 29 days

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hey if ur one of the 3 people i talk to daily dont read this...

seriously dont!!

okay anyways soooooo wtf do i do y'all??? i do not think im handling being extremely attached to and lowkey obsessed with people who live really far away and who I'll likely never be lucky enough to meet...

like??? 😭😭😭 talking to them and caring about them and knowing them feels so fucking good but also it so often hurts like??? what do you mean me, a sad, scared, pathetic, traumatized desperately lonely broken little person suddenly has multiple people not only interested in me sexually who think im hot (huh????) but also are seemingly genuinely interested in me as a person??? for the first time in a very very long time... and they are all literally so far away... and i just...

its not fair.. 😭😭😭

and also its literally so scary like why did i let myself get SO attached???? it's going to hurt so badly when inevitably these internet flings arent forever...

#last time i made a post like this it was about 4 people #and im still hurting so badly from losing 1 #and the other 3 would hurt so much worse.. especially now that its been so long since this started #im scared #hey alexa play taylor swifts song the bolter pls #if only i was a functioning adult with money and a job and a form of transportation...#instead im a scared pathetic hermit who cant do even the most basic of things...#much less be a functioning adult

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opens-up-4-nobody · 8 months

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...

#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol #except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade #plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me #god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set #looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u #the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control #executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont #wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral #sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive #lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not #forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho #my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly #need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im #dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter #what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by #my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything #interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to #fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i #described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that #idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean #ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said #she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the #parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the #disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage #but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain #just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked #unrelated

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agayconcept · 2 months

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#oh for fucks sake #if i have to listen to my shithead of a mother bitch and whine and moan about me being disabled one more fuckinG time i s2g #she's been going on for 20 mins abt how annoying it is that i had to go lie down for a bit bc i had a migraine and a pain flare up #which meant i guess that she didnt get to make dinner when she wanted to (i told her she could just eat w/o me like who cares)#so now she's on a rampage abt how inconvenient it is to her and how i ruin her schedule and her life all the time etc etc #and when i responded calmly w 'well what would u like me to do- snap my fingers and not be disabled anymore? u TOLD me to go lie down.'#she exploded and is like 'oh noOoo ofc not nothing is ever ur fault u just accidentally do these things'#bitch WHAT THINGS ?????#exist as disabled ??? be in so much pain i spend most of my life these days in bed ??? be unable to function to ur standards ????#do u Hear urself ??#now she's sitting on the couch pouting and fuming like a toddler bc i was in bed for 2 hours instead of 30 mins (bc too much pain to get up)#and throwing a tantrum like that is in any way normal or acceptable behaviour #'u always do this! but nooo u can do w/e u want cant u ?? u dont have to consider others!!'#ma'am...#a) no i dont have to consider others when it comes to taking care of myself and my debilitating illnesses. that's an insane thing to suggest #b) nobody told u u could not do w/e the fuck u wanted while i was out of commission. u just did this to have more to complain abt #c) ah yes bc i 'want' to be bedbound in excruciating pain. that was a choice i made. for funsies. for the bit.#whaT ?????#god someone save me im gonna lose my mind w this shit #not to mention she's also belligerently drunk so like. there's that also. cant have any proper convo bc of it (not that i wanna talk to her)#jesus fUcking chrisT #i gotta get out of here #this woman is so immensely hateful #ya sorry i ruined ur life by being born this way and now ur stuck 'putting up' w me and 'my shit' (<- actual things she has said many times)#fuuuuuck me.#anyway.#negative #ableism #verbal abuse #ask to tag

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aberfaeth · 6 months

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ok i am not gonna play thru all of ISAT today but what ill say is. the difference in the bathroom scenes btwn ISAT and SASASAP is well its um well its you see well . WELL!!!!!!!

#cant wait to see sif slowly but completely lose their shit is what im saying #its interesting i think some of the things that made sasasap compelling are functionally impossible to replicate #when you start where isat starts #but also i love isat so far like its different but its good in that different way #and the charm and humor of all the characters and the art is just so polished and. mwah #but yeah i will be curious to see if you can get sif to that point of despair you see him in during sasasap #just bc like. in sasasap its ok for sif to experience monotony bc you the player are figuring out whats going on #but isat would have to balance sif getting sick of the loop without making the player sick of it #we shall seeeeee #isat #c.txt

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marcusagrippa · 4 months

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becoming more invested in one random side character who is fucking dead by the time my main plot starts than the actual protagonist is just a rite of passage for my writing process at this point