All i can hope for my cousin who committed suicide is that he's finally at peace in a way he couldnt be in life. if that makes sense

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me. 

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up. 

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not. 

How many bedrooms are in your house? four. 

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby. 

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing. 

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric. 

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy. 

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment. 

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times. 

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more. 

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore. 

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know. 

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah

try hard dick energy: a fairytale

try hard dick energy got his nickname after almost 3 months of me seeing him

he used to be soft dick energy first. 

we met through friends, as i usually like it to go. 

on a regular thursday, we started chatting and we kind of fit. his music seemed to be a perfect match to my favorites. i listened to his playlist that whole week. 

a week later we met at said friends’ home, on the day before a holiday. 

my first impression was meh. but than again, it had been over 5 months since i even kissed another guy. 

conversation went on, and my thinking was: wow, i can actually be friends with this dude

then we got drunk and he ended up waiting for when my friend went to the bathroom to kiss me. again, a meh kinda kiss. but again, 5 months. it still felt nice, butterflies and all. 

i was on my period, maybe day four of it. after my friend went to sleep, we started drunkenly making out and he tried taking my clothes off. i was like no, no way, i have my period. and he said he didn’t mind. i wasnt sure i did. 

then, a call that was just the best to get. friend #2 coming home from a date. we chatted on the dining room and i tried keeping her there for as long as i could before she started bobbing her head. to this day, he swears i was making faces at her for her to leave. that’s certainly not how i remember that. 

she went to bed, we made out for a while, i took my menstrual cup out and we fucked. and we slept just as we were. i don’t remember much, but i do remember him saying: “was it too fast?” and like a good girl, i said it didnt matter. that’s how he got his soft dick energy nickname as i retold that story on the day after.

oh, the day after. we slept at around 6, and he was out of the apartment as i was still sleeping. my friends and i wanted to go to the beach, but that part of the story doesn’t matter much for this tale. we talked. and talked.

on thursday, two days later, i was headed to my guy best friend’s house bringing my other best friend - #1 from the first story. he picked us up from her place - his place was closest to my guy best friends house, but he did it anyway. we sat, and we got high, and drunk. we made out whenever everybody wasn’t around. i had to teach him that people don’t smoke inside people’s homes without asking - and in the window. duh.  

he then left for a weekend away with his friends. it was the first time i missed him, and i spiraled into a weird depression mood from lack of attention. that’s how needy i was. am. 

from then on we didn’t see each other for two whole weeks. he traveled, then i traveled, and weekdays were never his thing. we still talked everyday, and kept up with each others lives. we shared stickers, and said we missed each other. just the weird 16 year-old romance i yearned for. 

we met again three weeks later. he really wanted to go to my girl best friend’s house, but she didn’t really want him there. we went for a beer on the beach - which turned into 6 really quick. by 10 pm, he forced his way into my girlfriends’ house, even though she didnt want him there. we made out a bit, and he left. i was so in love.

then the chat continued slower than before. carnaval went by, he didn’t want to join us for it. i moved, he didn’t want to come by. we seemed to chat, but it always revolved around him. he took up 3 weeks of my therapy sessions, but i kept chatting. it was good. it filled up my neediness - and my time. it was like a long distance relationship. weekends were lonely and kind of sad. my luck is that bracco was in rio, and i was getting to know noemi. they kept me busy. 

he moved into a new apartment. it was around his birthday. i think it 15 days that we didnt see each other, but it felt like a month. that day it was all SO clear to me. 

you invited me over to your place. i hadnt seen you in forever, but you said i shouldnt bring anything. i drank a beer on my way there, out of nervousness. i also brought you m&ms. your roommate was wearing a bra in the living room. she was nice, we drank beer, smoked, and chatted. it felt weird. and then, she came up with the whole depressed comment.

let me explain: we were talking about her sabbatical, she wanted to go away for a year once she was 27. i was sharing resources and a bit of my miami experience. she then said: “oh, miami. thats where you got depression”. as if depression was something you catch. as if i told her about it. as if you told her about it and she felt we had a relationship where she could just bring that up?! not sure. i was weirded out for the rest of the night. at some point, you brought me into your room and kissed me. i couldnt really get into it. you said: “we dont have to do anything”, but you kept kissing and groping me. it’s not like you backed off and said: “whats going on?”

so i caved, and we fucked. and it was mechanical. and short. and plain out boring. i left 20 minutes after, and you seemed to be happy i did. 

my brain was a mix of feelings. i was in love, but then everything about that night was so fucking weird. being with you felt weird. the next day, you were weird too... i tried calling, but you called me back right when it was bbb time. 

and i was talking to noemi in the balcony, and it was a whole thing about not being available for people who dont show themselves available. we didnt talk again until saturday, and i decided to cut you off for good. i unfollowed you on social, unfollowed myself from your page, deleted your number. it wasnt until wednesday that you realized and reached out. 

you were all: we havent talked to each other in a week, and im also to blame for that... and so i told you i was upset about more than one thing that happened on wednesday, you exposed me to your roommate and i felt invaded. so i decided to pull myself away from this relationship. you apologized, but took no responsability for the rest of non caring. and thats what i wanted. so i cut you off. 

it was two weeks, and two therapy sessions in which my therapist said i should have talked to you before cutting you off. and turning you off was good: i started focusing on shit that mattered to me. 

but then i rethought it all. and i said, maybe we should have a grown up conversation. so i followed you, and opened up the conversation again. you said you were happy - you never thought you’d hear from me again. 

but you did. and i told you i was open for talking, and for getting things back as they were. you said you were too, but then you disappeared for two other weeks. 

and i felt done. over it. truly with no intent to see it moving. conversation was off and on. until last week it took on again. and we chatted for two days before you suggested a visit to my place. i was okay with it, cause then again, quarantine neediness is always present. and - for the first time ever - you were here on friday. you brought wine and condensed milk.

we chatted for two hours and it was boring as fuck. i hoped my roomies would join us. they did. and so did our friends. we drank and smoked and talked until 2, once again. but you decided to stay over, they went home, and it was just the two of us. 

i wanted to sleep. everything felt so fucking awkward. i pretended to fall asleep while you cuddled me. so fucking odd. i just wanted to me alone and starfish my bed while hovering all my pillows. and then you noticed i wasn’t up for sex, or making out for that matter.

you asked: are you still upset over my roommate?

i said no. why would i be? we talked it over and it’s over. do you want to talk about this still?

you said no. but you still felt something wrong.

and i said, yes. something is wrong. sex has never been good with you. i need you to have something we call pegada.

and you made an excuse once or twice. but somehow we hooked up again and you had pegada.

we fucked, and it was good, for once. better than “huh, i guess i had sex”

i fell asleep, feeling it was so weird to have you here.

i woke up to my alarm, got ready, and you wouldnt budge. i said i had to go, and you said you wanted to sleep in. i said i would be back in an hour, and i went to work.

you texted at work. you used my computer and god knows what you digged up off it. 

and then i came back, we had breakfast, and you didnt want to leave. we cuddled and watched a show. you tried kissing me but position was all weird. yet, it was good having you around.

you had a whole 2 hour meeting in my bedroom, in my computer. shivers. the whole time i was telling my roommate: the affection is nice, but oh no, im done.

and after your meeting we fucked gooood good. you got a promotion on your soft dick title. and fuck, i fell into it as well.

you left right after, as if you knew you got me hooked again. and again, chatting daily, you dont feel there. but we made plans for saturday.

mafe, mafe. why again. this boy definetly doesnt want you the same way you want him. yet you;re still there, as available as ever... i thought writing this might give me clarity. nope. 

Game of Thrones S8E4: my complete unedited viewing notes

Why u gotta do me dirty and open on a shot of dead jorah

RIP THEONSA

The Hound being protective father of Arya thinking Gendry's a horny boi

LORD GENDRY

But Sanda is v concerned

Hmmmmmmm

JAIME doing the westerosi equivalent of holding the hand in the popcorn bowl

I'd watch a buddy cop movie with Tyrion and Davos

Jon is so fuckin smol

K who's the stage hand pulling Bran right out of that conversation at the most dramatic timing

(Also is Meera alive???)

Sansa "go on I believe in you"

Podrick squire by day wingman by night

Lol Dany is me at any party

I LOVE DRUNK BRIENNE

I WANNA PARTY WITH DRUNK BRIENNE

OMG BRIENNE I SAW YOU LOOK AT JAIME AS SOON AS TYRION GUESSED IF YOU WERE A VIRGIN

Brienne-Jaime-Tormund is the love triangle of the generation

Omg pod is a sweet boi and tormund is a sad one

Id also watch a buddy cop movie with tormund and the hound

IS THIS THE SANSA X HOUND REUNION IVE BEEN WAITING SIX SEASONS FOR??????

FUCK ME YESS IT ISSSSSS

I LOWKEY HIGHKEY SHIP THIS

IS THAT WEIRD

DONT EVEN CARE

"HOUNDS" LMFAO WTF BUT I LOVE THIS

"LITTLE BIRD" omg

"NONE OF IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU LEFT KINGS LANDING WITH ME" OMGGGGGG

DOES THE HOUND FOLLOW SANSA ON TWITTER?? HE KNOWS HER WHOLE LIFE STORY

MORE HAND HOLDING OMG MY HEART

I'm flipping out inside

SANSA YOU FUCKIN TEASE I LOVE YOU

SMILEY HOUND IS THE BEST HOUND

Dude

Cersei + the mountain

Sansa + the hound

Sansa is the younger more beautiful queen that cersei is afraid of

Gendrys fucking adorable

OMGGGG GENDRY

omggg gendry :(((((((

But good for Arya i guess whatever

BRAIME TIME BITCHESSSS

YESSSSS ARE WE ABOUT TO HAVE A COMPLETE ARC FOR BRIENNE????

BRIENNE THE KNIGHT AND THE WOMANNNN???

LOL JAIME ASKING ABOUT TORMUND

you can really tell which ships I'm most invested in by the use of capslock lol

JEALOUS JAIME OMGGG

LOL I THOUGHT EPISODE 3 WAS GOING TO KILL ME BUT 4 IS SURE TO BE THE TRUE SOURCE OF MY DEMISE

DAMMIT [person from work who called] YOU CAN WAIT MY BBS ARE ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELS

IS JAIME REALLY PULLING THE "wow it sure is hot in this here bedroom i better strip to my bare ass ya know in case of dehydration"

LOL AT BRIENNES FACE

OMGGGG BRIENNE

OMGGGGGGG BRIENNE GET ITTTTTT

THEY HAVENT EVEN KISSED YET AND SHIRTS ARE FLYING OFFF THEYRE JUST FLYING OFFF

"IVE NEVER SLEPT WITH A KNIGHT BEFORE" WTF OK JAIME

DEAD

IM DEAD

DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT JON AND DANY

WHAT ARE THEY EVEN DOING HERE

ARE THEY IMPORTANT IN THIS STORY???

K this is not the sex scene i want to see

Oh thank god its not happening

Incest will do that to the mood i guess

Dude dany u gotta calm down bro

Ramin what u doing playing ominous music over brienne and jaime in post coital blisss

That's gotta stop rn

I wont have any of that

Im getting real tired of danys fire and blood its all mine mentality

SANSA THE SENSIBLE

SANSIBLE

Pack of wolves vs one dragon

And a lion on the side

Sansa and brienne share a knowing look about jaime

BRONNN

omg bronn

Are jay and ty about to die

Im already stressed

Relieved

BUT SO STRESSED

The Hound and Arya

*on the road again plays in the background*

Those are some fucking holey dragon wings

I LOVE SANSA

TORMUND X GHOST IS THE REAL BUDDY COP MOVIE ID WATCH

OMG Gilly

BABY JON

LOL JON

Ghost be like ummm I thought I was your best friend???

Ok missangrey is kyoot

Varys: "she's his aunt"

FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT

I love the dragons but for the sake of story THANK GOD they're killable

Red marker time: Rhaegal

Daenerys you're a dummy

D is for dum dum

Maybe make an effort to keep your best asset alive???

Welp.

I hope missandei knows how to swim

Omg cersei you smart bitch

"Im here to free the world from tyrants"

Ok bitch but you can't do that if you're a tyrant

KAYYY Dany u gotta stop

D is not for destiny

Varys asking tyrion who he thinks would make a better ruler between dany and jon is the westerosi version of hilary vs trump

Tyrions like "i only get two choices?"

VARYS THE SENSIBLE

SANSA THE SNARK

KAY RAMIN U GOTTA STOP WITH THE OMINOUS MUSIC OVER BRAIME SCENES

Jesus christ jaime

Just tell her you're going to kill cersei

Stop being dramatic

Then she can just be like ok cool bro see u when you get back

Is daenerys about to let missandei die

And is that going to be the thing that turns tyrion over to team jon

So stressed

Hand to hand combat lol

Which etsy store is making all these hand pins

Tyrion u gotta stop stressing me out

Omg cerseiiiiiiii

Omg tyrion seriously

............i see where this is going cersei

Now u the one thats gotta stop

Not shocked not surprised

But still very stressed

I had like three coffees today

My hearts like wtf u doing out there

Red marker time: missandei

Lol that's the end of the episode 😂

april.

honestly, ive been doing great in all of the outside aspects. ive been working my ass off, ive been with my friends and family, ive grew stronger relationships with those around me. ive been doing better socially and responsibly, than i ever have before. up until today. 

april started and i made my SAAM post, i honestly havent been thinking about my assault this last year, ive been on a ex drama hiatus, ya know. ive been doing so good mentally that i was ready to be very open and public this year, its marking 6 years since i was assaulted so i thought id do out with a bang, and i did. i was open on social media than ive ever been before, and i honestly was open with myself more than ive been in the last 6 years. 

i dont talk to anyone about it anymore. i really keep to myself about my trauma now since my ex left, she was my rock and my biggest supporter. i cant tell you how many nights she stayed up just to make sure i slept okay, and i didnt have a nightmare. that first weekend we spent together, i remember her staying up to make sure i fell asleep okay and i wasnt dreaming, because back then the nightmares were pretty bad. i am very grateful for how supportive she was. she never questioned me or made me feel like it was my fault, anytime i started to feel guilty about my actions that had led to it, she put me in my place and she just told me i was wrong. it was them and it wasnt me. 

i remember the day i had found out court was about to end, that we had settle on a plea agreement, which it was not a fair or just agreement, but it was better than nothing. i remember sitting across from her when i got the text from the prosecutor that we made a deal, things were about to be over and i wouldnt have to testify. i remember just looking at her, tears were just filling my eyes and i could feel them about to pour down my face like a river. she looked at me so concerned, she kept saying “whats wrong?” “are you okay?” “what happened?” and i just handed her my phone. she automatically had a smile on her face and she leaped across the bed and grabbed me and held me tight and said “its gonna be okay, we got this” i remember that like it was yesterday. 

i remember not drinking, i hadnt drank since my assault and i wasnt the biggest fan of drinking, she did it and i was fine but i didnt like to. one night, her, my best friend at the time and me drank, i got drunk and we had a blast. then we all laid in bed and i laid on her chest and i cried, i told her i was sad, that i was scared and i was thinking about it. my best friend started to cry and we just cuddled onto her chest and we cried to her and she comforted us. not too long later, they went to the walking bridge and did this big surprise. it was the anniversary of my poppys death so i was upset and i was cranky, i was so ungrateful and it still kills me to this day to think of how i acted towards them. 

she stood by me through all my court drama, all the social media post, the late nights crying, the hours and hours of driving to another state to go to court, she was even the person who heard my police statement i made while in the hospital. she was my rock. i was beyond grateful to have such a kindhearted and supportive person to be there through the hardest time of my life. 

so today, its a rough day. april in general is very rough and its even harder now. her moms birthday, her birthday, my old best friends birthday, the anniversary of my assault, my poppys birthday and death day are all in april, most being the first 2 weeks of april. 

i have not kept up with her social media. ive been trying to move on and let go, which i was doing good until today. ive still actually refused to look at any of her stuff because i just cant bring myself to do it. to see it be true i honestly think would kill me. 

as im typing this, its april 3rd, in 6 days, itll be 6 years since i was assaulted and almost killed in myrtle beach. a place were my family used to go all the time, and a place i remember a lot of my childhood being at. its a place that i have voluntarily not went to, it was a place that me and her went to one time to just see if maybe it would help my memory, maybe bring something back and make me feel better. but it was somewhere where we felt was just not okay. today i heard that, that is were she is vacationing. 

the place were i lost a big part of myself, is where she is enjoying herself. 

ive tried and fought with myself all day long to not look and see for myself. i just cant see it and confirm it because i swear on everything i love, it will fucking kill me. to know that she watched me go through all that i did, and be there and experience that pain and that fucking heartbreak for 3 1/2 years with me and then to turn around and of all places and all the time throughout the year, that is the place she goes and this is the week she decided to be best. to think that she cares about me so little to do that is heartbreaking. because of all things shes done wrong, thats one thing shes always done right.

when i went to beaufort last year and started having a panic attack while i was drunk, she fought hard to talk to me, even though it would cause problems in her relationship, she showed me that she meant it when she said that no matter what, when it came to that, shed always be my person. so now. to think it doesnt matter, maybe she forgot about it, maybe i just mean nothing to her and that means nothing to her, that fucking sucks.

this is a pain, i have not felt. 

shes done so many bad things and this is the one that i dont think i could ever recover from. 

this may be the thing to make me finally hate her, and i dont want to hate her. 

i just honestly, like i truly do not understand what i did so wrong in my life to make me deserve the pain that i go through. its getting to be so much and this honestly feels like my breaking point. 

i dont know if i can do it anymore.

Growthapart

Introduction

Most of the authors are correct with what they are trying to point out in thier masterpiece. Do you still remember The Road Not Taken by Frost from your 7th grade? I hope you do, because i took that road, been taking that beautiful road.

I am writing this not because im stucked in Enhanced Community Quarantine due to Corona virus pandemic, but because someday i want to read what i amariting and will be writing from today and the days forward. Idont know where is this going and how im gonna put into words everything what's on my mind. Though education graduate, i am not good at narrating and remembering things just so you know everything im gonna right here from letters a-z means speacial to me, and to my boyfriend. Yes you read it right. I hope youre not a sexist and will continue reading after digesting what you have just read.

The beginning.

It was June 2019 when I was hired. Been so excited since this is my first job. Though there are no clsses yet, The institution wants us to be present all the days of June just to make acquaitance and sort of trainings as well. In the first few weeks, it was only me,Teacher E,Teacher I, Teacher J and Teacher J. But as the days goes by, the faculty members gets bigger. There was only 4 male teachers in the group and one was added on the third or fourth week of June. Im not sure. I've told you that in my opening statements. (I thought you just need some validation.lol) and after letting him sit near in the group, i knew what is his name, J. J,as a psychology graduate, has been very keen and i knew that day he doesnt like me. i tried to be one of his friends but the universe was making me not to like him anymore....as a friend.( just making evrything clear.) There was this moment that i asked him about something i totally have forgotten. Good thing is he answered my open-ended question which was answerable by yes or no but he disnt take a pause but he keeps on walking. Atleast he answered. That day i realized that i shouldn't let myself be treatd that way by someone i just met. That incident broke my heart a little. The feeling of being ignored cannot be easily taken away. But hey, its just a one person, I still have the other teachers i mentioned a while ago. You shouldn't let someone treat you like your nobody. If you tried and you think its not really gonna work, leave them. Don't be afraid to lose people in your life.

Teacher's day 2019

It was an adventure with me,J Teacher E, which companied by her boyfriend, P and his bestfriend,ATe five of us. Do not wonder why I didnt mention Irish. That bitch ditch us. She was drunk and spend money for alcohols. Well shes not the only one who was drunk thatroning, Also Jbut he made it anyway. And that is what makes no-to-indianan E real mad, as she is really hot headed.

We made it to Enchanted Kingdom!!! We really enjoyed each other. We ate in a cheap restaurant, we laughed, we told stories, we had the chance to know each other. Remember A? Esbestfriend. Oh good. The bery first day i met him, i know I had a crush on him. not because of his body figure but because of his height,look and porma.

After K and i broke up for less than 3 weeks, i started talking to someone and his name is A. Well, he is nice. We added oirselves on facebook so ofcourse we talked about anything. After weeks or a month of talking , i followed him on instagram but never followede me back. I waited for a notification, but there was none. I knew from that moment its going no where, so we stopped.

After days or a month, (I AM NOT SURE AGAIN THOUGH I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE DETAILS I JUST COULDNT REMEMBER WHEN EXACTLY) Jervin and I became friends. We told about anything about ourselves gradually and clearly finding out what we truly are. There were so many times we stayed and slept at home but i will never forget the moemnt i was laying on his lap and holding his hand and biting it sometimes. I also couldnt forget how shiny and smooth his hair was as i run my fingers through his hair. It was memomorable. It was the beginning of everything.

First bottle

It was November 3, 2019 when i finally visit bim on his house and guess what, he was alone that time. Despite of the paper works waiting for us, which was the reason why i went there, we managed to buy oe bottle of red horse. After just one bottle, We both dizzy, and so we decided to sleep....together since i couldnt sleep alone in a house i just visited. Guess what drunk people do in a house without anyone who can see if things get hotter? To cut the story short, we kissed and sucked each other's nipple. Though we don't want what just happened, we still slept together. The day after that, we were not talking. It feels like it was the day one with someone you know could be the one. The emotions getting enormous and so my heart couldnt bear it. And the rain falls from the tio of my eyes. So i talked to him, we are both not in a calm emotional state. And so we cried.

Jervin, nust like me is a player too,but he is an expert. In the beginning of out friendship, he told stories about asking for load from someone hea flirting. And that day that i was crying at home texting him, my heart breaks a little and the rain became a storm. Wanna know why?because he was telling that this was gonna be his last message and he ran out of load. The level of sadness i felt that day wasnt measurable. And i feel like the feeling of betrayal brought by my kalandia in the past cane back. But after praying, I got welll. You know when you know your worth, Its awesome. You are awesome. But pfcourse at some point , things happen because soehow you let it happen.

The confusion

You know you can be together but there was soemthing that holding you back. Weve been getting to know each other since that day. We checked each other. We glanced at each other even during classes. We walked each other's home. We visited eache other's home. We did the late night talks while walking or by sitting in a dark area in Lakfront so people couldnt notice us that easily. We talked about everything and its just feel right. Christmas is cumming and we were both lloking for answers. When people say wait for perfect place and perfect timing, believe them.

The day!

It was in December 22,2019 when we finally said pur relationship is official. We were both happy. Everything is just fine. A usual landian moments of a new couple is what we did. Since its only 3 days before Christmas, i have to go back to Batangas. And so saud goodbye to each other for the meantime with a promise of coming back on 2020.

But as a malanding boyfriend who wants to see his boyfriend, I bought a Yem cake for him which was my utang from my cousin. The plan of surprisinf him at night of December 28,2020 was successful. i saw his eyes swollen as soon as he see me. He let me stay in his house for the meantime and after 30minutes or an hour weeent to oir house and made love.

Reasons why him

1. A pysch graduate- He knows wht i feel. He knows like everything im feeling. He is always there for me.

2. Giod looking- he is one of campus hearttrob. May students admire him. I admire him too. I love him more when gis smiling wearing a stripe shirt.

3. Genius- He is a person who can teach you things he knows. Like hacks on how to manually dry a cloth using a bath towel is what i couldnt forget. (You try it,you figure it out yourself how to dru clothes with a towell)

4. Attitude- When he says he dont like soemthing or someone, dont force him to like it. I have that attitude too. But the fact that loves me now is pricelss.

5. Clingy- never did i taighy that i would love someone who is clingy because never did i thought that i would be that clingy to him. He likes hugs,kisses on his body and canton. You read it wrong, read it again.

Idont where to put this but im gonna write it here. He told me he never like surprises, but as i surprise him with beverages like Delight,his favorite, it made hime smile. The favt that he loves when im surprisinf him what makes me stay and appreciated.

Memorable moments

There are thousands of memorable moments we enjoyed. And here are the following:

1. I run my fingers through his hair.

2. Thousands of times we hangout.

3. Walking and enjoying each other company at night.

4. Street food scenarios.

5. We foughtover buying a lots of Julie's bread.

6. We knocked doors even during classes to deliver foods.

7. He gave me a perfume. I make the box of it a pen holder.

8. Date at Mcdonalds.

9. I fetched him hahen he hangout with Ram and other girl.Iwaited an hour outside Mcdonalds

10. The clinic kisses.

11. The new building kisses.

12. The cumming with no hands.lol

13. The cumming from sofa to refrigirator.

14. We bought his Iphone and stripe shirts at Divisoria

15. The holding hands🥰

As of today, June 20,2020, were still together. There were moements of breaking up with him,but we are both fighting against the world. I always bear in my mind whathe is and what he truly deserves. And that is what holding me to oir relationship. Wee havent seen each other for almost four months but its okay. We dont wanna add up to health risk. Though there were times we experienced LDR problems, we are trying to reach and hear eachothers side before madness. Though i admit i easily get irritated because he is usually mad these days, i undrstand because we are in a LDR . Im not gonna be bias so im gonna tell this. One of the things that makes him mad is that i sleep early without notice and and i couldnt update him that much since theres a lot to do when your stuck in your hoise with your family.(please consider im the youngest in the family.)

Lat night, i slept early. Today, 3:43am , im still awake drinking coffeee. And he didnt notify me if he was eeping ir what. His last message was he was goint to take a bath but it was four hours ago. Maybe my bebe boy is taking a revenge. Goodnight!

- [ ]

June 20,2020

Hes becoming dry. Im hvjng thoughts he is no longer interested. Lets see if my emotion will change as it changes minute after minute.

June 22 2020

Nothing new. We barely celebrated monthsary as we go out when we hve time. And besides he dont wanna celebrate it. Its hard. Im wondering if hereally dint like to commomerate.

June 24,2020

We had chat. But he didnt chat me at night from 830 until now 1:25 am. I have sent kind words and i dont know whats gotten into him. I just hope and pray hes alriggt. Its OK for me for i know he has his own story he dont wanna tell and its cool. Di you want to know what on my mind right now? Let me tell you. So last month i guess He unfriended a lot of friends on facebook but eventually changed his accoint. So the converaations we had storires on hiw we started are on the first facebook accnt he used to have. And hes acting weird from what i notice and im thinking if im really the only one. I know and his friend how inlove he was with Paul,his past kalandian and a new character. Never did i tell that i can see his likes in Pauls accnt with his new account. Actually, he have two and since i got his password ofcourse he would like Paul's post with the pther facebook account. I also stalked Paul on Instagram and saw his likes again. Now that he used his NEW account i have no longer access to the first old one. I tried to log it in pero fcbk said wrong password. My ate and nanay have been friennds with J on Facebook and so i could use their accnt to heck if the old accnt has been deactivated. So before thinking wrecklessly im gonna find proof. And if he likes somebody else, who am i to stop his heart from loving someone who is surely better than me?

My hunches are wrong. I opened his facebook accnt and he hs been struggling the way people would see us together specially his realtives. Idontknow what todo. Universe truly gives shit and its hard.

favorite kpop songs of 2017 from a fan who got into kpop the beginning of this year

aye!! 2018 is almost here, and i have been DYING to make a favorite songs/mvs in kpop of this year thing. it has been a fucking ride let me tell you.... first things first, just to celebrate this year and give myself some leeway, there will be 17 songs!! and they are in no particular order!! i am not a favorites person, i have too much love in my pitiful heart.... anyway, lets start!!

17. movie - btob (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42A-rFdralM)     there are many things i love about this song. i got into kpop quite literally the very beginning of this year, and thats wild, but this song was one of the first of many i had heard, and didnt know much about then but love now. i specifically remember going through that one hot 100 kpop song playlist on youtube and finding this one, and instantly love it. its one of the classics of this years, and def opened my mind to a lot more. 

love’s like a movie~

16. really really - winner (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tBnF46ybZk)    ohhhhh my god i could go on and on about this song. out of all the wonderful kpop songs weve been blessed with this year, this is the one that’s consistently stuck, and everyone knows it. its just that song. the music video is gorgeous and diverse but so simplistic with the black and white. dare i say its iconic; all of it.

널 좋아해~

15. rookie/red flavor/peek-a-boo - red velvet (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0h8-OTC38I) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyiIGEHQP8o) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uJf2IT2Zh8)    ok, so yall are gonna hate me for literally putting all of their 2017 title tracks but oh my god... every single comeback they had this year was amazing, and id feel like id be playing someone if i just chose one or the other. like most sm groups, its not hard to absolutely love all of their songs. but in terms of aesthetic, sound, and all around look, red velvet killed it this year. so there. hope yall are satisfied with this.

peek a booooo~

14. fine - taeyeon (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHXUM-6a3dU)    to keep this b/b/g/g pattern going, im choosing this one next and dear lord. this is another song id heard in the very beginning, and i was... frankly i was shocked. like, btob was surprising, but it was what i expected it be: boy group, fun, catchy, etc., but with taeyeon... god, her voice and the whole video... i was tearing up, not gonna lie. the lyrics especially got to me. its been in most of my playlists consistently this year, and i cant say the rest of the album isnt a must listen, just a recommendation from me personally.

its not fine~

13. dramarama - monsta x (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1afdZk0qcI)

 ok, i had a hard time on this one. its common knowledge they went through 3 major comebacks this year, all of which were amazing, but originally, beautiful is what stuck with me. i love the heck out of that song. then dramarama dropped a little over a month ago and... lets just say thats what convinced me to finally start stanning them for real. i have a thing for story driven music videos (bonus points if the story is actually mad good), so combine that with the absolutely amazing song and choreography, and you get their best comeback yet. honestly, it was so good, i urge yall to check it out if you havent.

dramama ramama ramama hey~

12. cherry bomb - nct 127 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkuHLzMMTZM)

 this song... THIS SONG... oh my god. i dont have an in depth discussion over the music video or the song or any of it but good lord... if youve heard it you know what im talking about. its another one of THOSE songs. its too bad it was generally slept on, but god... can i add i also love the choreography??? like a lot???? im the biggest hit on this stage~

11. palette - iu (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9IxdwEFk1c)

 yall KNOW i wasnt gonna put this one off any longer. this is also the song that got me to start stanning this wonderful, amazing, beautiful, spectacularly awesome woman. she’s great. and this comeback?? ive easily listened to the whole album about 50+ times. i was going to put ending scene instead since i adore that one too, but this is the one that really stuck out to everyone. aesthetics?? on point. lyrics?? poetic. voice?? like an angel. lmao, i really love iu...

i like it, im 25~

10. as if its your last - blackpink (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Amq-qlqbjYA)

 ok the best part about this one was... since i was a new baby fan, at the time, the only group i really like, stanned, was bts. but i wasnt shut off from the rest of the music community tho, ofc. thats what im truly into kpop for: the music. so duh, i knew about blackpink and their bops (whistle was a personal favorite of mine). but for some reason, over time, they casually just became another group i was into? like, i knew the names, voices, roles, songs, etc.. so when i heard they were having a summer comeback, while i was free from school no less, i was ecstatic. i rewatched the teaser several times, stayed up and hyped with people online. and it finally dropped and instantly became my favorite song by them. its so goooood. my wife lisa, like, yas baby slay that rap while looking cute af. i love it very much, and im sure other blinks do too.

blackpink in your area~

9. dont wanna cry - seventeen (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97cx53Tpp6g)

 yeahhh, im not gonna choose their most recent comeback for this one, sorry guys... its a good song, dont get me wrong but! this one is the one lmao. its so fucking beautiful. when i watched the mv for the first time, i was in awe cause the choreo was so good, and so different from what i had seen before, but it went with the song so well. its a very good listen.

울고 싶지 않아~

8. move - taemin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcEyUNeZqmY)

 yes. yes. yes. this song??? yes. oh my god. so, this next bit is gonna be a bit sad (to read and to write), but just because an explanation is needed for each of these... im a shawol. i was the second i watched 1 of 1. and god, it still hurts so much to think of what happened? but, this explanation is taemin. so, i was into shinee, period. i knew taemin was a solo artist. i dont know why i wasnt paying close attention to it, but one day move just like, dropped. out of nowhere. and i went ‘where tf...?’ and watched it and OH MY GOD. i cant convey on here well enough, but bitch, i rewatched that shit repeatedly. the song was constantly replayed, and it finally pushed me to take the step and go back and listen to all his other stuff (which i love). its just so... androgynous and he dont give a flying fuck how he looks, dances, or sounds, and i adore it. definitely another THAT song of this year, dear lord.

youve got got the rhythm~

7. 1+1=0 - suran (ft. dean) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YA6G74gk6R8)

 ok, i was torn over this one. i bet everyone and their mother knows her for her “collab” with my boy suga, if i get drunk today. and YES!! THAT IS AN AMAZING SONG AND IM STILL SO PROUD OF BOTH OF THEM. but bitch, this had dropped sometime whenever, idk when since i dont stan and her, and i saw it on youtube and thought  ‘shes the suga girl, i wonder if thisll be good’. i was so surprised when i listened to it. the music video?? snatched. the song?? snatched. wig?? bitch its gone. lets just say, first listen, i had already loved it way more than the song i originally knew her by. 

1 plus 1은 0~

6. ddd - exid (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axVvZrDz60k)

 i put this one off long enough too. and this is obviously a very split opinion. they also dropped night rather than day which i am also 100% over the moon for. but god, i love sexy exid. and that is exactly what this comeback was. sexy, powerful, and aesthetically catchy as hell. (btw, exid is another group i actually stan, so i had been anticipating this one; i watched it while i was at school dusbgukg). so sad solji couldnt physically make it this comeback, but she was in the album, and that was enough for us. still wishing her the best recovery!

덜덜덜덜~

5. dont recall - kard (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41Dp7Q-SM1Y)

 oh kard. the group that had millions of fans before they even debuted... they gave us many tasty treats this year, all of which were total bops, but dont recall... bruh, its just stuck with me. i still know all the others, but when i think kard i immdiately think the of the legendary beat drop tied with the beautiful mv of dont recall. also another THAT song, no doubt. sorry i dont have much for this one, i dont know much about kard, but this song has personally been a go to of mine for the past many months. 

그만해 i dont recall~

4. ko ko bop - exo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdssuxDdqKk)

 lmao, you will not catch me in a 10 mile radius even THINKING about power. i drink to forget. its cute and all but... mmmm.... ANYWAY. im gonna be totally honest, i really love their 2016 year in terms of music more than i did this one (lotto, lucky one, monster, etc., etc., etc.,) BUT! out of the comebacks they had this year, i am 100% 10x more into ko ko bop. not gonna lie, i didnt dig it at first listen. but a little later, i tried it again and... hooo boy, what a good song. i dont know anything knowledge based about music or music production, but i know that ko ko bop is a good song. very good.

shimmy shimmy ko ko bop~

3. gashina - sunmi (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur0hCdne2-s)

 ok. OK! so... yall gonna hate me, but i intentionally put off listening to this for the longest time. why?? i have no clue, its a great song. but i did. so by the time mama 2017 (IK THAT LATE) came around and i found out my boy taemin would be doing a collab stage with sunmi i was like... ‘ok i need to know who this girl is...’ i FINALLY sat my butt down and watched it and BITCH. okokokok, scroll back up, skim that taemin one, and imagine all those feelings, except like, gay. like, instead of thinking it was inspiring, i was just thirsting and being absolutely in love because holy shit everything about the song and the video are perfect????? THE LYRICS THOUGH TOO??? absolute women power i was 100% there for jesus christ.  왜 예쁜 날 두고 가시나~ 2. snow - zion.t (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiGSDywrX1Y)    this song made me cry :( straight up, when i first watched it, i cried so much. it got even worse the second go round when i knew the lyrics. its so.... beautiful. im a big fan of zion.t as well, so this was no disappoint for me. i luv it... and fun fact, its my favorite music video ever, kpop or not. im very into cinematography and photography so it was such a treat to watch it. youd have to watch it for yourself to know what i was talking about. 

눈이 올까요~

1. anything from bts this year (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBdVXkSdhwU << this is dna just cause i dont wanna post 3 songs lol)

 yall honest to god probably hate me. ‘we just read this whole list to get a biased, lazy ass answer?!?!’ but hear me out... lmao thats all i got. bts is my ult group, but ult group or not, every single thing they dropped this year was spectacular. truly honest to god, its probably been their best year yet. jk, idk about that, 2015 and 2016 were pretty good. BUT STILL. spring day, not today, dna (lots of ayes), ALL OF IT SO FUCKING GOOD. gosh, i love them...

 dna~

well, thats all of them! keep in mind, this is a personal opinion thing, and there many, many, MANY songs of this year i loved, but this is a list and its gotta end somewhere, so i chose the ones that really stood out to ME. this was probably a waste of time, and bet this gets no notes, but in my heart, it was worth it. i love writing and ranting out my thoughts. this was my first year in kpop, and while yes, there were a few devastating and heart breaking moments that im still not fine about, it was good. my friends are gonna hate me, but this is just one of many years to come of me being into this shit. hope next year delivers as good as this one did. happy new years kpop fans!

Sober at 8:58 am

Ive started to numb everything out, push everyone else thats left away. I havent talked to Kaylee in about two months, or the guys in a few days, ive been avoiding anish and Molly and you and i obviously havent talk in a while. I had a moment yesterday i was doing ...something... and i started thinking about you, i let that numb thing go for a minute and i just kept saying “i love you Michael” over and over and i dont know what im doing. i dont know if i want you because im bored with him or because youre the one im supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i dont know if you and i are good for eachother or if we just romanicize the fuck out of eachother to the point weve tricked our minds into believing that we belong together, i dont know if those late nights spent in your arms, or those car rides with our fingers intertwined and the windows down meant nothing or meant everything. ive spent endless hours closing my eyes just so that i can picture your face, i have a hundred pictures of you i cant convince myself to delete. Everything makes me think of you, music and movies and people on social media, i think about what youd do when im scream singing in my car, windows down and crazy hair and music i havent listened too since middleschool, i think about you standing behind me in the shower and laying next to me in bed, i think about you shooting me looks across the isles of grocery stores and gas stations, i think about you picking at your nails and the warts on your fingers while i drive and roll my eyes at you, i think about you when i get high, how you get so paranoid, how you get a look in your eye like youre all alone and the worlds a stimulation trying to break you down and invade your inner thoughts and you look at me and i wonder if you trust me and i just want to wrap you in my arms and kiss your face and let you know that i got you no matter what. I dream about you, your long hair and jaw line, lanky body and strong arms, i dream about you walking in and the rest of the world falling away, you being all that i see and all that i know and nothing else in the world mattering even the smallest bit. Im scared Bugs, im scared of losing you, im scared of losing me, im scared that he will come back and i will pick him and one day ill wake up from yet another Michael dream and think “what the fuck am i doing?” but be so deep into it that theres nothing i can do, and im scared ill pick him and one day he will stop picking me and im scared that i cant love anyone. I spent years being the girl a guy could love, i perfected it, manipulated every boy i met into becoming obsessed with me, tricking their minds to the point i was all they thought about and i never got caught, i played boy after boy perfecting my actions and it worked. Ramon was so invested i didnt even notice, all his friends knew about me, he told them he was falling in love with me and all i thought about at the time was how he had a weird sex face and it didnt feel serious, then there was London, the boy who flirted with me in highschool and told me i was going to marry him and then years later told me i was ugly in highschool, so i convinced him nobody could understand him like i did, i let him be a douche bag, and make every possible stupid mistake he could and told him that he was amazing regardless, i supported all of  his dreams even though i thought they were dumb and far far out of reach all while entertaining others. At the same time i was sleeping with two frat guys in different frats that hated eachother and i made them both believe they were the hottest guys id ever seen and the best lays any girl could have all the while one looked like hed never stepped outside and was not packin and the other had a nice body but a jew nose and lasted like 4 minutes everytime, and they both faded out eventually. Then i reconnected with Reese and unfortunately he had been in the game longer and saw past the face i put on, he reached into my heart and plucked at the parts he knew would give him a safe place and i fell for it. i became his escape from home and work, he would come over at 3 am after work and slip into my bed and play his music and we’d fall asleep and id wake in the morning and leave for class and come back to him leaving, There was one night i was convinced he had real feelings for me. he was hanging with preston and their friend ethan who had moved out of state and came to visit, Preston went to ASU and lived in dorms near mine. They went to a strip club and then got super drunk and went back to prestons room, Reese called me and let me know he was still coming over at about midnight and Preston stole his phone saying he wouldnt make it and i just laughed at them and said id be up for a while if he changed his mind, even though i was so tired i couldve slept for an unholy amount of hours. i got a few snapchats from his snap that preston took of reese’s head in the toilet and figured he wouldnt be coming over, but i stayed up for a little while and then i got a call at 5 am he slurred his words trying to tell me he was coming and that he was lost but escaped Prestons room, Preston and ethan eventually found him and got on the phone trying to figure out where i lived, i told them and came out to meet them, Sophmore year of highschool i had a class with both Reese and Preston but i dont think either of them knew i had existed at the time. when i walked out they all looked at me and Reese looked so sad, red eyes and tears on his cheeks, he almost tripped over his own feet into my arms, i hugged him and looked back at his friends, they told me to take care of him, i smiled and took him back to my room. i put his stuff in the closet and helped him change and he followed me into bed, his arms around me (something he never did) and he cried, told me i was all he cared about, said all these things and passed out and for the first time since meeting him i felt like he wanted me for me, but i was wrong, i was a safe spot, a hidden island where he could get away from the rest of the world and eventually he met someone else. then on new years i got a snapchat from kaylees younger sister asking if it would be okay if she gave my snap to her cousin ransom whom i had only met a few times, i said sure and his first snap said he was gonna make me his. i laughed, i liked when guys were forward, unfortunately that was one of the only things i liked about him, over the next month i played with him, careful not to break him entirely, he tried to get me to take his virginity and him being the mormon cousin to my childhood mormon best friend i knew i couldnt and then one day i got a snap from some guy i met on tinder, his name was Alex Decker, he hyped me up on snap all the time and i was on shrooms so i responded, asked why he was always nice to me he said “why not?” we talked a little and eventually i invited him over we hung with my friends, i got free tickets to a suns game and we all went and we took our first selfie and i didnt pull my tricks, because he wasnt like every other guy that walked my way and stuck their tongue down my throat after talking to me for 15 minutes we hung out probably 7 times before he kissed me, i had convinced myself he was gay or just not interested and let down my gaurd, we were watching Game of Thrones, the Episode where you learn about Horridor and the reason behind his name, and i started crying and he made a joke and i punched his arm out of sadness and he kissed me, it moved pretty fast after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentines day, 12:04 am - we decided to say it was the 13th instead, didnt want to be cheesy, he brought me roses the next day and we dated for a while, i pushed and pulled every day, pushed him away only to ask him to come back hours later, i was a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, and when i ended things i was more scared of losing his family then him. I went to California for spring break and he spent the night before i left and he found my stash on notebooks and read everything, went through my poetry books and found which ones i dedicated to other boys and other loves and he went crazy, he read every secret and every lie and he told me living in my head was the worst place to live and he sent me pictures of everything that made him mad and he spent 9 hours in my room going through everything and i was so angry i redownloaded tinder, figuring id end things when i got home and then came Remmington. When i got back to Arizona we threw a party at my house and a bunch of people came over, he had written me a letter and got so drunk he let Colden read it to the room, it was horrible, i got obnoxiously drunk and ended up blacking out and then passing out on the bathroom floor and Alex took care of me all night. i was going to therapy at the time and one day on the day before my therapy day i had a huge art project due and had to pull an all nighter after pulling one the night before and he told me he would stay over and help me and we would take shifts and he’d shade stuff while i slept and id do whatever else i needed to do and i said that that was fine, when it was my turn to sleep i fell fast asleep and woke up to him sitting next to me on the bed crying, confused i got up and hugged him and he started rambling about how he couldnt do it and just losing his shit, he wasnt making any sense so i got him water and made him lay down and once he fell asleep i got up and did the rest of my project until 10 am the next day i went to class and then alex gave me a ride to therapy and picked me up after, he took me to my favorite restaurant in arizona and then we went to the batting cages and a few days later i ended things and he still stuck around for a while, even while i was talking to remmington, then i found out about the STD stuff and remington made me feel like trash and got a bunch of his friends to bag on me too. after that i dropped everyone, i didnt care, i took londons virginity and i didnt care about anything else and Molly and i started hanging out more and more and then one day i drove past the gilbert temple and parked in front of a house across the street from the mormon church and a lanky boy in a white sweatshirt and a dad hat hopped in the car with molly and i and i was a total bitch to him until we stopped to eat and he said his dad worked on heavy equipment and molly got distracted and i thought this boy was 20 and he was 17 and my heart swooned. that was the day i met you. You surprised the hell out of me. everytime i talked to you all the games and tricks and all the bullshit id been using stopped existing and i had butterflies and lost words and a smile i couldnt get rid of. and boy was it a whirlwind. and the world started and ended and spiraled and now we are here. wheres here? i have no fucking idea. all i know is that i want someone to see me, see my crazy and my annoying and my insecurities and see everything good and bad and love me, and for the past year ive met 3 boys that do and in my luck ive found so much heartache and so much dissapointment. because M i dont deserve any of you and if i could cut myself in half and give all my love to each of you i would, but i cant. and what do i do when you wake up and realize i was only worth the chase? what happens when its finally us and im not everything you figured i would be? and life isnt everything you thought it would be with me? what then?

BYE 2018

This year has got to be the year jampacked with EVERYTHING. I might have the same motivation to write now but i gotta try for my future self. (bcos yaknow everything that I dont write eventually gets forgotten and i have no way of remembering, it just turns into a blank patch in my mind lyk 2017 lol) whatever happend to 2017??? i was scrolling through this blog and i didnt find any 2017 posts lol what??? was i in a trans or??? idk i have no memory of new year 2017. well i dont want that to happen to 2018 because theres just so much that happened so here it goes.

JANUARY- I started the year in qc.

Jan 2- I saw Mamsh for the first time in uptc. We bought my very first film roll. n Agfa Vista 200 in Satchmi.

Jan 7- i put my first film roll in. took a few shots. oh and im back in marinduque

Jan14 to the end of the month- im just in duque doing normal stuff i guess idk. More MSC days. I was really stressed about being irreg. lol

FEBRUARY-

feb 2 i went to Manila for the opening of Arts Month. IT WAS SO GREAT I NEVER FELT SO ALIVE IT WAS WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED, to live each waking day to be exposed to art. agh fun tyms. i spent 5 days in Bayview and everyday i went to luneta park for workshops and other shennanigans. While this was all happening i was also shooting for our Trends and Network (?) (subject) video. Reg was my partner in this video we were supposed to put a vissual on a poem our prof gave us.

feb 3

first time to eat yellow watermelon.

went to a baybayin writing workshop and learned how to write baybayin yay

saw autotelic, better days, sud and ben and ben that night

FEB 4- still there

feb 5- attended poetry night and saw mike coroza. saw mamsh again today and we went to national museum. It was the last day of arts month.

feb 6- i went home to duque

Feb 7- i edited my footage

~idk what date but hahaha the video i edited got 75 loooool but our prof gave us another chance to edit the shit.

feb 14- mundo- iv of spades was released. idk how this is relevant to me lol but yeah it was released on this day.

feb 17- UP fair that i wasnt able to go to. Finals week is near im so stressedt

feb 20- im editing the video again. we made a storyline instead of just putting vissuals on the poem.

feb 21- the stress was getting to me. i havent been sleeping bcos of finals and editing so i cut my hair short. the shortest it has been, they said i looked like hannah baker

~idk what date but i finally passed the video and we got 85 thank god for that curve lol~

feb 24- Im back in Manila. first time to ever play with the orchestra in a place which is not marinduque. Played in Makati along with Sta Isabel peeps.

feb 26-

Went to bgc--- to the overrated Venice grand canal place to be exact.

Saw Alex Aiono live.

Bought a new Murakami book (Wind Up Bird Chronicle) that i havent still finished until now

feb 27 to march- marinduque ++ more MSC things

March 29

practiced a viola piece for auditions sa ust but hey its 2019 and i didnt end up auditioning

Moriones festival (holy week)

Watched Baconaua a film by Joseph Laban shot in Mdq. the plot was also mdq related!!! and also socially relevant at present. its kinda about drugs--- well it is about drugs.

april 7- went to ust for enrolment

apr 8- went home na ata i dont even know

apr 13 ICON MANILA DAY1

went to manila for yfc’s 25th anniv!!!!! AAAA ICON 2018~ FULL BLAST

bRO THE THEME WAS MUSICALS AND THEY PERFORMED DISNEY AND THE GREATEST SHOWMAN THEMED THINGS HUHU MY HART IS HAPI

yfc reunion yey

APR 14 DAY 2 - FIREWORKSSS AND TALKS

APR 15- DAY 3

LAST DAY

GOT AN ICON DAVAO SHIRT

NASA ICON RECAP VIDEO AKO

APR 16 ARRIVED IN MDQ FOR FINALS

APR 19- SURVIVED FIRST DEFENSE

APR 23- FINAL DEFENSE

APR 26- SHELLY’S DEBUT

APR 30- FOUND OUT I DIDNT PASS THE UPCAT YO

MAY 3-

GRAD PHOTOSHOOT

SAGALA

MAY 8- 18TH

MAY 10- SURPRISE BDAY CELEB BY THE BEACH T^T gots a new laptop yey. got another murakami book from fiel. got a cool shirt from dem. got my fav necklace (which means so much to me since it has so much connection to who i am--- its a Sta. Claire/ St. Francis pendant from Rome.) Lola passed down a family heirloom to me--- her watch. <3

MAY 11- woke up after last night’s celeb for Graduatioooon.

May 11 to 19- stayed at home and watched movies and shi

May 20-

watched Musika sa Isla’s concert. first time that i sat out since i was so busy huhu.

Went out with Reg and went kayaking

May 21 and onwards more of doing nothing and watching movies and shii

May 29- went out with sum frends i havent seen for so loooong: isa, franz, angge, ira

Jun 2- went out with the fam and tita pina to the beaaachhh

Jun 15- My first provincial Shout!!! YBB LAGUNA!!!

Jun 18- went to shannon falls!!!! hiked and swam with the fam ++ dream favor fam

Jun 19- end of Prov Shout huhu went to amoingon with the YBB laguna team. swam some more in the beach.cried A LOT. said goodbye to fwends huhu

Jun 20- left duque for good

Jun 22- went to ust to settle thingz, dorm hopping

Jun 23- went to ust again

Jun -Jul scrabble, movies, wine, milktea, mc do and a couple of city thingz. Prepared for YCOM acad. long distance organizing with yasu huhu.

Jul 25- went home to duque for YCOM Acad!!! My first and last event as a the provincial YCOM head. cant believe we actually got to put this together huhu sml

Jul 26-28- finally had face to face organizing with the pcg. practiced songs and hosting.

Jul 29- YCOM ACAD NAAA. a lot of hard work paid off in this event. a lot if crying again. said goodbye to friends again.

Jul 30- left for Manila first thing in the morning

Aug 1- First day dorm life

Aug 2- Start of freshmen week. Freshmen pol sci orientation

Aug 3- ROARientation

Aug 4- got very drunk with batch mates uuuhhh which was wrong cos its just the first day and i probably made out with someone???uhhh

Aug 6- Tomasino na ako event. Saw Ben and ben and fourplay mnl

Aug 10-

went to cinemalaya with reg,kly and paul. was supposed to watch liway but ended up watching school service. bumabagyo rn hahahaha.

first time to ride the lrt loool

Aug 11-13- spent 3 days alone in qc aHAHAHA they were in cebu

~Lol kinda  dated a blockmate or whateva at this time uuhh~

Aug 17- parents visited manila, we went to intramuros

Aug 20- kuyas bday

Aug 21-saw reg and we watched another cinemalaya entry: Madilim Ang Gabi. sobrang slow paceeeedddd but ya it was about ejk. #SupportLocal

Aug 22 and onwards- A LOT OF READINGS

Aug 28- bar hopping with 7wonders

MORE STUDYING

Sep 5- saw Sud again in ust. org week ata??

MORE STUDYING

~kinda stopped dating that blockmate na~ ahahah

MORE STUDYING

Sep 21- saw shelly, aira, and fiel at Happy T. met someone but never talked again after that nyt. slept at fiel’s

MORE STUDYING

Sep 28- YFC GA

Sep 29- WENT TO SHE’S ONLY SIXTEEN’S 10TH ANNIVERSARY WITH MAMSH BROOOOOOO (XX: XX Makati)

ang bandang shirley

lions and acrobats

mellow fellow

rusty machine

oh flamingo

sandwich???

i forgot the others huhu

IT WAS WILD I LOVE SENA

OCT 4-5- PRELIMS ((no sleeping starts))

Oct 10-pre lims. got rly unexpected close friendships. slept at dean’s.

Oct 20- Island with shelly, ira, dean and sum binilde friends. met sum ppl. slept at mark’s

MORE STUDYING! ! !

~kinda started talking to someone i actually like~

OCT 29- FINALLY WENT BACK HOME TO DUQUE HUHU

OCT 29- went to the beach with reg trisha cavite peeps and kuya francis. saw kent kuya jm and jayson at kuya karl’s

OCT 31- inuman with friends i havent seen for so loooooong, drew, ira, pam, josh, angge

UNDAS- made my term paper about islam huhuhuhuhuhu d y i n g

NOV 3- went to the beach with yfc people huhuhu yasu mat ninyah and others. quest ang gracenote were there at villa aplaya also ahahaha

NOV 4- haaayyy left duque again :<

MORE TERM PAPER MAKING

NOV 14- first meeting of that ~someone~ im talking to. went to rou bourbon. agh i actually like this guy can u believe it

NOV 16- saw ~that guy~ again. went over to his place and met his dog

MORE STUDYING

Nov 23- saw ~ that guy~ again// study date

MORE STUDYIN BCOS FINALS IS NEAR IM DED

Nov 29- adventures with dean and mia at 3am. smoked a lot this month brOo i was ded more studying

Dec 2- mom visited me huhu lord tnx

Dec 3- Agape

Dec 8 onwards- FINALS WEEK a lot of smoking//very very very ded at this point

Dec 13- SURVIVED FINALS AND WENT OUT WITH 1POL3

Dec 15- i was high with kuya and claud

Dec 17- drank with kuya and claud

Dec 19- i was high

Dec 20- mom and micha and pau arrived

Dec 21- PASKUHAN with micha <3 ~the guy~ i was talking to ditched me lol. the dating thing was “paused” looooooool things started going downhill again but paskuhan was so fun!!!!! huhhuhuh definitely made me feel things. saaw ransom collective and spongecola <3 mia and chad r now together. micha slept in my dorm

Dec 23 and 24 and 25- christmas shenanigans in ateneo.

Dec 24- cinco ako sa nstp. i died seeing this

Dec 28- BANDERSNATCH!!!!!!!

Dec 29- went to bulacan for Kuya Oyo’s wedding cute couple

Dec 30-31- STAYCATION with the fam

DEC 31- went home and welcomed the new year. smy prof hasnt still replied for the cinco he gave me.

yaaaaalllllll 2018 was rough. a lot has happend. and im difinitely not the same person anymore. whats worse is that im kinda disappointed of what i turned out to be. :/ things are just sad. i havent been able to pick myself up until now. idk if im just in the right place or in the right time or with the right people but all u i know is that things could be in a much better place. i just hope that 2019 would put things in a better place. i cried a ton shit of tears this year. cut a few scars.left a lot of people. so much new things. it was my wildest year so far. Living independently alone, surviving college and the city life--- it was very different from what Im used to. but hey i survived and im proud of myself for that.2018 u were painful---so painful.  U made me try so hard and fail so hard at every aspect. I tried to maintain ties with friends even though it wasnt rly my thing. It was so hard for me to maintain connection agh but at least i still tried. Acads wise, I tried so hard to study for that one major prelim exam and i failed--- for the very first time, i failed a major exam. I tried to love--- yup--- thats totally not me--- i tried to date people. but lol things rly just dont work out sometimes. it be lyk that sometimes. ako pa yung dinitch HAHAHAHAH lol

the first half of the year was so fulfilling a lot of fun times. Never have i ever felt lyk i knew myself so much. everything i did was everything i wanted to do. For the first time i felt lyk i was turning out to be who i wanted to be but surprise everything turned around at the second half of the year.

it  made me feel lost it made me feel alone. its 2019 and that feeling hasnt changed. still a ton shit of anxiety. god Every holiday season i try my best to get in the holiday spirit but hah this year no matter how hard i try i wasnt just feeling it.  everything feels so static i dont wanna be like this anymore. The second half of 2018 made me feel like im the wrong place am i in the wrong place i dont know.