Miss you on here.. need some positive thoughts they are still together after all this London and new Taylor stuff

there is never anything they could do that would convince me harry and louis aren't wildly in love and good. cause even if other people are trying to convince us that they aren't, harry and louis themselves are the ones reminding us they're good. the stunts aren't the reason we believe in hl, hl are. like even the 28 clothing drop! the fucking 28 implications! and at the end of the day, if they weren't good, there'd be no reason to continue to try to push bullshit.

also thank you, i miss yall too. it's been a rough 6 months, but hopefully i can be around more soon.

Was typing my asks responses to you and tumblr crashed so i'll just do another thing 😍 i might seem like a menace for this but i can sense how much you wanna be asked and talk about yourself more🧐 this is what you call actively participating as your anon 💪💪💪 literally almost devouring the whole ask game 🤩 @ three-clover anon come and join me in devouring the whole ask game <33 (ein im sorry im feeling extra goofy 😭😭😭 feel free to not answer some questions ofc 😍) if there's no one who's gonna ask you anything then let it be me 👹👹👹

For ask game ! 1, 4, 6, 7, 11, 13, 16 because im extra, 25, 27, 29, 30.

Also if it gets too long just use the power of "read more" feature -> :read more: to put a cut 😍

— 🍰.

DID YOU ATLEAST BURP FROM DEVOURING THE ASK GAME⁉️ you got me writing in my notes maam😭👍

ask game!

(answers utc)

1. theres alot tbh, but most of them are just Taylor swift's song. for example getaway car, style and cruel summer bc we love them 🙏🙏🙏

4. im not really into flowers so i just searched and i think hydrangea and a forget me not is pretty. if i were to recieve a flower, i would care more abt the meaning and the sentimental value of it😗😗😗

6. nice things about myself?? just to let you know i spent a long time on this bc i dont say nice things abt myself 😭😭

non-physical

1) im the type to go with the flow. ppl might think of me as a big ass extrovert but my man lemme tell you im more of an ambivert. i barely go out of the house just bc😔😔 and i am humble and shy in the first meetings😇😇😇 (everyone agree rn or else)

2) i think i have a lot of empathy than my irl friends. im their mom and therapist 👹⁉️

3) i would love to learn more about psychology bc i want to understand ppl and help them because mental health matters everyone ⁉️⁉️

physical (this is the part u made me think for a long time bc maam idk😭)

1) i think my eyes are okay (this is a lie)

2) i have dimples on both cheeks which i am not really a fan of but oh well (this is the truth)

3) i love my hairstyle (im starting to love the failure of my hime cut)

7. well first thing that came into mind is white and blue too?

11. i dont really think abt things like this bc 1) im not gonna date someone until i finished studying (my parents command) and 2) im not interested in anyone real bc im focused on these pixels 🙄🙄 but i would love to travel to different countries with my lover in the future but like i am broke so ill just go for a simple one, maybe just staying indoors and do domestic things like baking, painting or whatever? (i cant do all of them btw) being beside each other is enough ( ꈍᴗꈍ) wow so romantic, diluc come and date me rn

13. idk too tbh😭 but i think salted french fries and potato chips bc why not🤨🤨

16. heyy😠😠 u nice, keep going👍👍 its heartwarming that u care for a random stranger in the internet. i remember the message you gave me in dan's blog when i said i feel sick and keep throwing up, i was deeply touched fyi🙄🙄

25. kinda weird but i really to receive a cute puppy and foods! and money

27. i would want to be like those shoujo girls. like damn they're getting all these fine dudes for free🤨🤨 what abt me huh? what abt me? when is my turn to pull a yuki sohma🤨🤨 oh and ik i told you im a gold digger as a joke but i would really want to be someone rich and successful so i can buy anything i want😩🤛 they said money cant buy you happiness well money can buy food and food makes me happy🤬🤬🤬

29. i absolutely hate morning, so its between afternoon and night😍

30. i really love puppies so being with them fills me great happiness so they're home. and a breathtaking scenery and ofc my family bro😩🤛

i tried to make the answers shorter bc at this point i might write an essay😩🙏

 cabana au plot thing maybe. i can’t write so.. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

premise: Mogami is an assassin/hitman, working at a tropical resort for cover. his mom is sick. he works with SG guy (Sargent) as assassins but also at the same tropical resort place. Matsuo is a rich gold digger, killed his last husband but was judged innocent in the trial. now he’s looking for thrills, doesn’t desire more money, just trying to have a good time. which for him means.. causing choas.

(this post is so long and dumb and gay i am so sorry for anyone on tumblr mobile RIP)

(edit: it’s even longer now and i tried to fix the typos from before. i hate how invested i am in this AU and yet i cannot stop.)

Matsuo comes to this resort regularly and the staff are Wary and particular about the staff they (somewhat) sacrifice to Matsuo. but Matsuo has MAD CA$H so they assign him like.. a personal attendant of sorts.

Mogami was hired between the last visit and this one, has been working there a lil while (some months but less than a year), Sargent is part of the resort’s management and works to cover for Mogam to give him alibis while he’s off killing ppl Just In Case

Mogami probably has an alias that he uses for like everything and that’s “Kai” bc he works by the ocean lmao. 

I guess Mogami works around the pool and beach? waiter/bartender type thing. trained as a lifeguard so he does that too.

Anyhow he gets assigned to Matsuo, is aware that Matsuo’s was on trial for the murder of his husband but wasn’t convicted, but doesn’t really know what to expect. definitely not the chaotic twinky gremlin that Matsuo is in this AU.

Possible first interaction: Mogami is just trying to serve some drinks  and Matsuo intercepts him and he's like "can i help you.....uhm........?" (can't figure out Matsuo's gender) 

Matsuo, "that would be sir, thank you. but in a different context you can call me baby." Mogam is internally like o no-- Matsuo, not missing a beat, "and i can call you daddy." and Mogami is like. CRIngiNG he's like this is it, this is the curse brought on by killing people, the bad luck has finally caught up with me-- etc

Matsuo has a thing about paying ppl with Mogami’s job 4 sex/seducing them

Mogam is not about it

Matsuo won’t ease up

Anyway. things r tense and assassin stuff is more difficult bc of dealing with being Matsuo’s attendant. but there r days when Mogam isn’t working, where he has leave to “see his mom” which are often used for assassin stuff but. sometimes seeing mom. sometimes both.

Mogam still maintains his cool and indifference to Matsuo’s attempted advances

it’d be ridiculous if Matsuo very obviously fakes drowning. standing in shallow water (literally standing) and just flinging water around and looking like a fool, calling out “help me lifeguard! im Drowning! oh the humanity! i am struggling to breathe oh lifeguard please help me!” mostly bothering the other people around so Mogami feels compelled to usher him away but Mogami does Not lol and Matsuo just looks like a desperate fool.

maybe he actually pretends to drown

“i think i need cpr”

“i’ll just call an ambulance for you”

“come ON” as Mogami gets up and Leaves

Matsuo: >;;;;^(  Mogami: B^|

Matsuo prObably goes for some other poolboys in the meantime. partly for attention, partly because it’s what he does.

Matsuo insists that Mogami has a secret (and he does) but Mogam denies that he has any secret of interest to Matsuo

somehow Matsuo finds out about his mom tho and Mogam is like “ah yes. my dark secret. i am indeed secretly tender at heart and love my mother very much. u got me.” but like. no it’s that he’s killing people. But there is some bonding and more respect from Matsuo. some but not much.

the Advances continue tho Matsuo is like still like  “if u need money then sleep with me??”. Mogam is like. No.

also, at some point, Mogami to Matsuo “has anything bad happened to you at all in your life?” (bad things have happened but it’s been a While and Matsuo is hella detached from that)

Matsuo is legit like. lowkey a psychopath probably and breaks into Mogam’s (place of residence) (apartment proabably?) and Mogam gets back from a nearby “job” (shady bloody job) and Matsuo sees him (Matsuo wasn’t hiding lol) and Mogam Very Clearly bloody (under the shirt he was wear and since removed bc he’s home now) and is internally like “i’m not prepared to deal with this. this is over my head, the disappearance would go noticed, and would obviously connect to me... i’ll call Sargent. i probably have to kill him, such a hassle.. could be the end of things. what i thoughtless greedy awful--”

i drew it:

(evil gremlin pixie gets gay while dead-inside man contemplates the logistics of murder and disposing the body)

he glances down and Matsuo is like... sparkly heart emojis looking at the blood on Mogami and. Mogam is CONFUSED hE’s like “What.. are you doing looking like that?????”

(the blood drawn on his face/hand doesn’t make sense now that ive thought about it but. i can’t be bothered now.)

(my fave Mogami reaction to Matsuo is “bitch what the fuck” honestly) 

Matsuo is rlly hot about the blood i but Mogam is just tired of this he’s like. resigned and kind of given up and legit just “I’m going to take a shower”

“can i come with u? ::::3c”

“you can do whatever you want” (figures Matsuo will follow him but doesn’t care if Matsuo leaves and tells the police he’s just tired rn)

Matsuo does follow him (he’s got his Eyes on the Prize)(the “prize” has gotten more and more interesting and enticing as time went by and now he is enthralled. Matsuo is chaotic and freaky and i love him. kinky(TM))

Mogam is trying to ignore Matsuo in the shower but eventually just Gives Up and like yeah wow sex huh

it is. a lot more good than Mogam anticipated and Matsuo is very :^)))))) after (satisfied and “i told u so” and still sneaky but also. more solidly attached now)(Mogam is endearingly passionate  and it’s hot i guess idk don’t look at me)

Matsuo is probably the only (alive) person besides Sargent who knows he’s killing people so like. that relieves tension and allows for more intimacy ok

(im gay don’t talk to me)

at some point after that Matsuo is like “you like killing people”

“no, it’s just a job”

except he does and something happening close to the time of the convo is like ‘wait yes i do enjoy it..’

At Some Point Matsuo gets a wound over his eye (so the scar matches canon lol), it’s somehow a result of hanging around Mogami

thanks @ Nick for this idea: maybe Matsuo gets kidnapped and Mogam has to go save him. Jokes on Mogami tho Matsuo knows how to use a gun and can handle i knife decently. basically Matsuo kills at least Some of his abductors, gets his face slashed, and escapes by the time Mogami arrives to save him.

probably a sobering experience for Matsuo like ‘o right actions have consequences that affect me. wow. strange.’

this isn’t a deterrent for him tho, he’s still having fun, but he’s gonna be less flippant and careless from then on.

idK eventually an agreement of commitment happens and like. Mogam quits and the resort and moved back with Matsuo to the US i guess and now he doesn’t have to worry about money for his mom’s care bc Matsuo is stacked.

so Matsuo has married twice and the latest one is dead but the other one (his first marriage) is to Toichiro.

Toichiro’s wife divorced him, he’s rich and is some important af person in a corporation idk, he and Matsuo r together for a while and then married briefly and then Matsuo divorces him and gets hella money (awful. cruel. rude boy. evil. i love it) 

(their relationship was like. probably kind of sad bc Toichiro is pretending he’s not torn up abt his ex-wife and maybe Matsuo like?? wasn’t just being a gold digger and actually cared about him, but was constantly eclipsed by the ex-wife n got tired of it and once they were married he was pretty soon like “Okay. That’s That. Bye.” dark. idk Matsuo is an energetic and wild person and Toichiro is cold and dead inside and Matsuo probably brought a lot of like.. joy to his life, and he took that for granted n Matsuo left. bye bish.)(lmao i h8 angst i’m sad now)

the current dynamic between him and Toichiro is like.. whenever they see each other they just drag the shit out of each other and r snide and that’s their point of camaraderie but Matsuo rlly doesn’t care abt him and always rubs Toichiro’s unsatisified life in his face.

but Matsuo is with Mogami now and they’re back in the US (some big city, probably Los Angeles or NYC.. or both. Matsuo has an unnecessary excess of wealth he can have a house on both coasts) but they end up talking with Toichiro and so Toichiro and Matsuo r doing their nasty banter thing and Toichiro starts talking dirty and about stuff he and Matsuo did and Matsuo is kind of pissed and internally like ‘wow in front of my boyfriend?? i know i have no class either but xcuse u bitch :^)’ but. also talks abt the stuff he’s been doing with Mogami. meanwhile Mogami is just there SEETHING quietly, tensely but politely smiling, thinking 'the nerve of this awful man with ugly eyebrows. abhorrent.' Matsuo is keeping an eye on him as the tension is rising and eventually.. 'wow my murder bf is about to fight my ex and while that's Hot that's not a good idea---' so he he cuts the conversation off like "well, i know who i've chosen--" wraps arm around Mogami's waist "--have a good life pining for your ex-wife" and like. leaves. bye.

or “have fun trying to fill the void left my your ex-wife for as long as you live”

Matsuo’s second marriage is probably to Ishiguro and purely for the money. but Ishiguro is gross and old and Matsuo was tired of waiting for him to die and took matters into his own hands. and ended up with a lot of money and no jail time.

idk what else. vague ideas kind of like. Mogam has a day of and Sargent goes to visit momgami in the hospital as a way to cover for Mogami going to do a hit. or doing a hit for Mogam so he can visit his mom. tru friends. 

the beginning aesthetic being like. tacky tropical beach and it changing into like. lavish but sleek spy-aesthetic by the end is funny to me. tropical pattern prints and speedos and petty drama and humar to dark clothes and a scar  and like. weirdly devoted and sexy dynamic. silly to serious. hilariously bad rom com to..  rich murder gays (NBC Hannibal stole my aesthetic)

im starting to fall asleep but ya this au was originally 100% shitpost and yet here. i am. thinking about it seriously.

okayokay insert rant here

so im a bit hyped rn and just need to let some stuff out man there is too much on my mind sometimes my home my family my friends work my hobbies And then him but he is what i really can't talk about i mean I can talk about him it's not physically impossible it's just painstakingly difficult to admit how i really feel nothing seems to be in my control and i can't stop thinking about how we fit how when he touches me im not aware that someone else's hands are on me - but that it's him and it feels ... right ? im not sure how to explain it cause it's never happened to me before but it's like it's a part of me? it doesn't make my skin crawl like others do. it doesn't make me self conscious to have his hands on me. it feels like they're suppose to be there and i didn't even know it. then i think - am i making myself believe that? am I convincing myself that this is okay just so i can get what i want? is this real or is it another path to heartache? a bit of backstory on him: it might be about a year now since we met. a month later, the day after his birthday (which he shares with both my dad and my great-grandmother), we finally have sex. now at this point i had convinced myself i was no longer going to have sex with guys i barely knew or barely liked or didn't even like me. i hoped to find someone i could trust, get along with, find attractive, and maybe even see a future with. then he appears. our first conversation was unique and our second sealed the idea in my head that this guy could be in the running. (the topics on these particular conversations consisted of cunts and mushrooms respectively.) so i set it in motion. this seemed to be going my way. we have sex. it wasn't the best but honestly, it was my favorite time. the first time i wasn't drunk or high or both. the first time i had felt truly desired because of me. he wore a superman shirt. i got my lipstick all over him. he cooked me dinner afterwards. i took him home. we kissed goodnight. i lingered from it. he retreated away. it scared me but i pushed it from my mind and hoped for the best. i don't see him all weekend (we worked together). he barely texts me back. he stops responding all together. when i see him again - he tells me he was busy and i should be more understanding. so i try. I try so fucking hard. two weeks go by and my patience as worn thin. ive seen him talking to someone else. they're constantly together. i think the worst and hope for the best. finally, her and i work together without him there. i try to smoothly confront her. Me: so, are you seeing anyone lately? Her: yeahhh 😊😊😊i am actually Me: oh yeah?? anyone i might know? Her: yeahh he works here but we said we should keep it on the down low Me: oh come on! that's no fun! who? Her: well *all giddy and beside herself with puppy love* it's him Me: 🙂🙂😐😐🙁🙁😕😕☹️☹️😣😣😔😔😞😞😞😣😣😔😔😒😒😒🙃 i couldn't help myself when i told her the truth. she told me they were together on his birthday. I told him he was texting me the whole time. she went to have lunch with him. she cried. he apologized. she forgave him. he wouldn't even call me at first. idr what I said to get his response but he told me he wouldn't answer to ultimatums. i told him if he was ever my friend and if there was an ounce of good in him - he would call me. as I write this, i sit in the same spot on my porch where i finally got SOME of the answers i had been asking myself for weeks. was it me? did I do something wrong? why couldn't he just tell me? why wasn't he honest from the start? I barely remember the conversation but I still remember it clearly. i remember telling myself to accept it and move on. shit happens. your heart breaks. but seeing them together everyday broke it again and again. I tried to be friends with her. we were always laughing and joking and sharing stories and on the outside it seemed like real friendship. idk if it was for her - it might have been - but it never was for me. I kept wanting to get to know her more to figure out what made her better than me. why was she worth hurting me? she's pretty. sweet. funny. outgoing and loving. understanding and blunt at the same time. I always wanted her to know I never hated her or was upset with her which was absolutely true. truly. even to this day. but even now - i will always be jealous of her. at first I wouldn't look at him. wouldn't talk to him. whenever I did I was cold, mean, and just downright as cruel as i can be. I told more people about us. I belittled him whenever I could. I did ANYTHING I could to make him feel the littlest bit of how I felt. it never made it go away. I slept with other people. I got into a relationship with someone else but I never stopped thinking about him. everyday I had to stop myself from crying cause I kept asking myself why? why did this happen? why not me? why? why? why? once i returned from a vacation and he asks me why I didn't tell him I left. I said "why would I? We aren't friends." Months later, he would tell me that was the most hurtful thing I had said to him but he knows what he did was way crueler. once I hung out with them outside of work. I hated every second of it. I pretended I didn't at the time but that night still makes my stomach sick. around that same time - he told me that he thought his best friend and I would get along pretty well. I hated that thought even more. how could I be around him more than I already was? did he not see the torch I carried for him every time we looked at each other? or did he just stop seeing me entirely? did he ever? (apparently not since I also later found out he did it to turn me into a manatee) a few months after that I quit our job and finally stopped seeing him. in person and in my thoughts. he would creep in from time to time but I would push him out to gain the peace I so longingly craved since that morning after. then, three months later, I go to our old job on a night I know he has off. (We worked together for months and each had a set schedule to help make sense of my craziness.) it was a spur of the moment decision truthfully. I didn't want to go home and I really wanted to see my old friends. I wasn't there two minutes before I found out he was there. So I approached him. We talked like we used to. It seemed nothing had really changed. He told me he had picked up this shift on an impulse the day before. I told him I didn't plan on coming in until I was already on my way. He told me they broke up over a month ago. I told him I had some green. We left together and for the first time in 10 months, we had sex again. It was a very long night. Most of it more talking than anything else. He told me things I wanted to hear (I want to believe that it was all the truth but broken mirrors and all). He said he should have trusted his gut and gone back to me often. He said he was worried that we were too similar and too different. He told me he didn't want a relationship because of how soon it had been since her but if there was anyone he could be serious with - it would be me. Would be me. Does that mean it's not? We had sex again the night before. We've established we're both sleeping with other people. He tells me I'm everything he's attracted to. He tells me he's still slept with her after they've broken up. He tells me he always found me attractive - even more than he found her so. He told me there was no challenge with her. It was all vanilla. She wanted to party more than be with him. He said she broke up with him but he's happy with it. He said he thought of me. He said he missed me. He apologizes every chance he gets but I can't bare to hear it. It seems unnecessary and bit too late. My feelings grow and I can't stop them. I fantasize a future with him there and it almost seems to work. Then I remember. What's going to stop him this time? What makes this different than before? Time? Experience? Loneliness? Am I what fills the void for now? How long will it take me to get over him after this? Have I fallen for another trap? My approach this time will be different. I will not hold any punches but I will not give in until I know for sure. I will not hold it against him but I will not forget what lead us here. I am beyond scared of where it will lead but I will not withdrawal. I will be me until the end and I will not break if he cannot truly accept it. I will endure my own guilt, my aching anxiety, my wavering trust and my undying hope. I will keep my heart and mind open but I will protect both with my life. I will love and be loved in my fantasies and dread in the moments when I become aware that that's all that they could be. If we break I will mend and never look back. If we strive I will be thankful and perhaps be able to truly let go of the past. For now, I will pretend that I do not only want him. I will pretend that all is fine because in rare moments of time it really is. I will pretend that this is not killing me. I will pretend. I will. I will. My will be done.