i do love that vash is the Definition of high int, low wis. he puts on the goofiness to get ppl to not pay attention to how absolutely Bonkers skilled he is so ppl just assume he's a dumbass. and like. he IS. in some ways. he is SUCH a dumbass. but he's an incredibly intelligent dumbass. he has layers.

𝐭𝐰𝐨: 𝐰𝐚𝐱

🕯️Warnings: wax play, smut, degrading, choking, burning

🕯️ Requested: 2. can we please get some of the colson wax play shit with degrading names

🕯️ Theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m91Vq-Yd3BA

I THINK by Tyler, The Creator

━━━━PLEASE READ THESE FIRST: 

✮ PART 1

✮ PART 2 

━━━━

masterlist

((This about to get ~funky~. ‘Tis just a Colson smut, because Dominic is away. Don’t worry, he’ll be back soon ;) ))

𝗜𝗧 𝗪𝗔𝗦 𝗛𝗔𝗥𝗗 having Dom be away for so long. You loved Colson with all of your heart, but you couldn’t help but miss the other half. Colson was affectionate, but not as good with realizing when you needed a hug or praise. But Dom could read you like an open book, and always knew what to do. 

But now, you were laying on the couch in the middle of the afternoon, dozing off to whatever happened to be on the TV screen. Colson was at the studio, which left you all alone, again, in your house. You were wrapped up tight, cuddling into one of Dominic’s hoodies that he had left you. Even though it still smelled like him, you couldn’t help but still feel sad. You wanted the real thing. You missed him. 

You missed both of them. 

Then your mind went into a devious places. Colson had been pretty neglectful of you. Come to think of it, the only times you saw him were in the evenings, and he wouldn’t want to do anything then, his eyes close to shutting in exhaustion. 

You were idle. But now, it was time that you got the attention you believed you deserved. 

You got up, going to your bedroom, slipping into your closet. If he wouldn’t give you attention, you were going to make him give you attention. You dug around in one of your drawers, one thing and one thing only on your mind. 

There was a certain set of lingerie that always hit different, especially with Colson. It was one of his many gifts he would surprise you with every once and a while. Sometimes he bought things for you that were for his own enjoyment. And this set of devilish undergarments, it was obvious who he had truly gotten them for. 

You slipped it on, glancing at yourself in the mirror, admiring yourself. You could see why Cols had gotten it for you... you looked HOT!

Smiling, you got on your phone, switching it to Snapchat, and holding up the camera. You teased your hair a little bit before you finally took the picture. You found yourself pressing the button over and over again, saving every single one. 

You smiled to yourself, This will get him. 

You opened your chat with Kells, who’s name you changed to Papi Chulo, mainly as a joke, but it just kinda stuck. But his name for you was Baby Bear in his phone, so you guessed that made it even. 

You sent one after the other, and not all of them at one time, making sure that he got the notifications. You waited. And waited. And waited. 

30 minutes eventually passed, which meant he was either really busy, for just ignoring you. Besides, he knew good and well when you sent messages in the afternoon like this, it wasn’t innocent. 

You slipped a hoodie back on, along with some sweatpants, the lingiure still hugging your form underneath the baggy clothing. Your feet patted down the stairs, your phone in your hand, your feet carrying you to the living room as you laid down on the couch, deciding to finish watching The Umbrella Academy, a show that you decided you would watch strictly when the boys were away. 

You found your eyes slowly closing, your mind slowly drifting off into a state of calmness, your body relaxing as you tried to get some sleep. At least a nap in. Because you knew you were in for it when Colson got home

The sound of your phone vibrating against the glass coffee table had ripped you from you half-asleep state, your hand reaching over. You looked at the phone to see a new message from Colson. 

Papi Chulo: I want u on the bed, no clothes, leg spread, hands up to the headboard. Don’t do as ur told, and the punishment will be something you won’t enjoy. 

The tone of his text sent shivers down your spine as you read it. You bit your lip as you starred at the screen. You were going to get your attention... but was this really the way you wanted it?

There was nothing you could do now but follow his every command, in hopes he would at least let you cum tonight. 

You stood up and quickly made your way up the stairs once again. You stripped yourself of all clothing, all except the special surprise and laid down on the bed on your back, your wrists going up and making contact with a headboard. You had to stay like this until he got home. Or else there would be hell to pay. 

You sat there for maybe 15 minutes, and by then your arms were killing you, when you heard the front door slam open, Cols’ heavy footsteps bounding up the stairs. 

You watched as he came into view in the doorway, and he immediately made eye contact with you. He walked over in big strides, before you felt his hand coiled around your neck, making you gasp. 

“Do you know how fucking hard you had me?” his voice was full of venom as he spoke through gritted teeth, “I had to go into the bathroom and take care of myself, because I was so hard, it fucking hurt. I ran so many stoplights to get to you, slut,”

The look on your face told him everything he needed to know. He read you like an open book. Of course he could, he’s a Taurus. It’s what they do. 

“You just wanted my attention, didn’t you...” he clenched his jaw before speaking again, “I’m not like Dom, I won’t give you anything you want on a whim. And I don’t think you deserve what you want right now.”

You looked him dead in the eyes, your mouth not moving. You knew that you had to speak with permission. You were his now. 

“Here,” he reached into your bedside table drawer, taking out the dreaded pink rope you really didn’t want him to use, your wrists always hurt afterwards. 

But you didn’t dare complain. You were in for it bad enough already. You sat up a little bit as he tied you up nice and tight, and his eyes went soft for a second, “Too tight?”

You shook your head no. You wanted this.

“Of course it’s not too tight. I know you like to be treated roughly, whore,” he leaned in closer, “But at least your my whore.”

He licked a harsh strip up your neck, before stopping at your ear, biting at your earlobe, making you whimper, “I think you’re going to like this punishment,” he sighed right into your ear, his breath causing goosebumps to erupt on your neck and down your arms. 

You watched him disappear into the bathroom and come back out with a candle stick. 

Oh god. 

You weren’t the biggest fan when Cols had access to fire. But you knew this got him off. He loved watching you as you squirmed, your restraints limiting your movement. 

The candle was a garnet red. You were anxious, but somehow in a good way. 

Colson fished a lighter out of the pockets of his black ripped jeans. He flicked it on a few times. 

“Safe word?” he looked over at you. 

“Red.” you replied, your demeanor now soft and subtle, a great contrast to the vibes you gave off in the sinful photos you sent your lover. 

“Good. Nice to know that my cock isn’t the only thing you let occupy your mind. God, your such a good little slut.”

You whimpered slightly. You loved the degradation. And you knew he didn’t truly mean it. You knew he thought highly of you. He never called you those names outside the bedroom. 

He flipped the lighter on and left it on for about 10 seconds, Cols’ glance switching back and forth between you and the flame. Finally, he turned it off. He set the candle off to the side and you gave him a look of confusion. 

But before you could say a word, you felt the hot metal of the lighter sear into the skin of your thigh. You let out a series of squeaks and whines. It was the perfect temperature where it was hot enough to cause pleasurable pain but to not leave a burn. 

“God, princess, you make such pretty little noises.” Cols gushed, drinking up your reactions. 

He then sat back up, straightening himself out before he reached for the candle. He looked at you almost tauntingly, looking into your eyes as the pupils were dilated.

He lit the candle, waiting for a minute. 

Now, the moment you were waiting for patiently, completely compliant, (which Colson completely appreciated.)

He then held the candle over your body, tilting it, and watched as the liquified wax dripped down onto your soft skin. 

He watch in fascination as the liquid turned solid as you let out whimpers and moans at the sensation of a hot fluid dripping across your stomach. You squirmed. 

It felt so good. More good than it was supposed to. Colson continued his actions, dripping the wax onto you. 

He than looked at the undergarments you had on, he blew out the candle quickly, his hands around your back as he unclasped your bra. At the sight of your breasts, he almost lost it right then and there, taking one of your pebbled nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, soon switching back and forth between breasts, your mouth gushing out moans and praise. 

Colson then pulled back, lighting the candle once again. But instead of your stomach getting covered, he drifted the candle higher, the red wax now dripping down on your breasts, making your nipples feel amazing. 

Colson reveled in the sounds you made, knowing that it was him making you feel this good, nobody else. He knew that he was in control, and one of the only people that could bring you to the most amazing, toe-curling, mind-numbing, crushing orgasms, while also getting them over the edge as well. 

Soon, you body was covered in wax─ both wet and dry ─ and once he saw that his work was done, Cols stepped back, admiring the work of this labor. Looking at you, hands tied up and chest heaving, he thought he would cum on the spot. 

You just looked so good.

“Daddy,” you whined meekly, praying that he didn’t think you were stepping out of line, seeing as you were speaking without permission, “Please touch me,”

“Soon.” was all he said, holding the candle up to his mouth, blowing it out and setting it to the side, not really caring where it was. Now, it was time for his favorite part. 

His hands drifted over the wax-covered parts of your body as you tried your best not to move. The sensation was indescribable. There was a barrier between your skin and this fingers, and you somewhat despised it. You wanted to feel him, all of him.

He then pinched large pieces of skin, rolling it between his fingers gently, watching the wax crumble and break, peeling effortlessly off your complexion. 

He went from spot to spot, repeating the process of removing the wax, brushing it away. All the while, you shifted and fidgeted, loving the small amount of contact he was giving you. 

Once your body was (mostly) cleared, he untied your hands, and held your chin, a sadistic smirk appearing on his face when he noticed how fucked out you looked. Your lips swollen due to you biting them, your hair a mess from throwing your head back so many times. 

“I want you to go to the bathroom, and run us a shower, got it, princess?” he asked, and your eyes went wide, realizing what was coming next. 

“Yes, daddy,” you muttered. 

“Good.” he sighed, before his lips met yours passionately, making you moan into his mouth, wanting nothing more than to stay like this the entire night. His lips were just so good, it made your body feel like jelly. 

As soon as he detached his lips, you quickly sat up, standing up, walking as fast as you could to the bathroom, running the water to the perfect temperature. You waited for the water to heat up impatiently. 

You finally stepped in, your muscles relaxing, making you let out the smallest moan as the water enveloped your body like a hug. The sensation was almost euphoric, the water dripping down you body. 

But when you felt the sensation of large, stalky hands running over your shoulders, you immediately turned around, your eyes meeting those of your lover’s, his pupils dilated, obviously effected by the sight of you earlier. 

He immediately pushed you down, your knees meeting the hard surface of the tile covering the floor of the shower, knowing that there would be bruises as consequence. 

“Come on, little slut, open your mouth,” he grabbed your jaw as you opened it. 

Wasting no time, he shoved his shaft into your mouth, and it didn’t take long before he was thrusting in and out of your mouth quickly. The size of him made you gag, and the sensation when he would hit the back of your throat made your eyes roll back. 

Your hand drifted down to your throbbing clit, two fingers being placed on your slit as you rubbed it to the pace of Colson’s thrusting. And it didn’t take long to notice what you were doing. 

He suddenly pulled out, forcing you up, and slamming the side of your face against the wall of the shower, his front half completely against your back as his face was right next to your ear, and you could feel his breath, cold compared to the temperature of the water that was now running down his back. 

“Did I say you could touch yourself, little whore?” he growled, and when you didn’t answer, he gave are harsh lick to the shell of your ear before pushing you more into the wall, “You know whose job it is to give you pleasure. You don’t get to feel good till I say you can,”

And with that, he shoved himself inside of you, the time he gave you to adjust was zero, before he started pounding into you, over and over and over. You let out cries and groans of pleasure as his movements never stopped. 

You gasped out, the feeling almost too much, his mouth open against your temple as he thrusted. In, out, in, out. 

Your mind was blurry as he turned you around and muttered out a low “Jump,”, your legs wrapping around him tightly as he entered passed your folds. It was so good... and the sensations of the water were helping immensely. 

His head was leaning down on your shoulder, your hand going up and massaging his hair as he continued to thrust into you with earnest. The sounds of pleasure spilling out of his mouth was already enough to push you over the edge. 

“H-Harder, please, daddy,” you gasped out. 

Without a word, he was now pounding into you as hard as he could, hitting the little spot inside you that made you see stars. You cried out in pleasure, Colson growling as he dripped his hand between you, rubbing and flicking your clit at an inhuman speed. 

“FUCK, daddy, please, I’m gonna cum, please please please don’t stop,” you gasped, something in the back of your head worried he would disappear or pull away. 

“Come on, my little cock-slut, come on my cock and show me how good I make you feel,” He bit your shoulder, which drove you over the edge.

“FUCK!” you yelled out, your cunt clenching him like a fist as he continued to help you through your rapture. 

You could see stars behind your eyelids as you closed them, trying to come back down to earth. The both of you panted in unison. 

“Now let’s get you cleaned up, I’m not through with you yet. 

((School is making me  ~ l o s e m y m i n d ~

#8: on mala and microwaves

hi. after the last very heavy post i thought i’d make a lighter one. this one is going to be about food. i hope u like food. :>

this was inspired by a conversation i had with a friend. she’s from the sichuan province in china, where they regularly eat mala hotpot. how it traditionally works is that people sit around a big vat of bubbling mala sauce (ma (麻) refers to a specific chilli found in the sichuan province that gives the sauce its characteristic and distinctive spiciness, and la (辣) means spice. together, they refer to the mouth-numbing spiciness of the chilli) and dip raw ingredients, such as meat, vegetables, and tofu, into the sauce. as they wait for it to cook on the spot, the people gathered around the table laugh and make merry, following which they feast on the food.

my friend’s acquanintance was going to china – to my friend’s province, specifically – and wanted recommendations on mala hotpot places. my friend was puzzled. ‘he wants to go eat mala by himself? isn’t it very sad, just dip in take out dip in take out all by yourself? quite pathetic, leh,’ she said, shaking her head in bemusement. that was when i realised the communal nature of the dish. it is a dish specifically designed to encourage people to gather around, which is why you cannot eat it alone.

why? damn simple: it’s spicy. you won’t have anyone to laugh at you as you struggle with the snot coming out of your nose. who else is going to video you with numb lips and tissues around your plate? 

ok no la it’s a dish that requires long amounts sitting around, waiting for vegetables to cook. hence, this naturally encourages conversation, even if it’s just pleasant banalities to pass the time. it’s not just about the food, in this case, but about the people eating it as well. the very nature of the dish, the design of the dish, requires community and communality.

this nature is echoed across the traditional foods of multiple cultures. i’ll highlight a few here. do feel free to correct; this is purely based upon personal experience.

the south-indian thali is similarly designed as a way for people to bond. it has many different variations now, but i’ll talk about my experience with the tamil ilai sappaadu (literally, leaf food).

food is served on a gigantic banana leaf. there are 3-4 courses. the food is basically rice plus a gravy (the gravy determines the course) and at least six vegetable dishes as side-dishes. there is a specific order to consume the courses as well as an elaborate thought process behind it, but i’m not too sure of it haha. this is usually eaten at big function, like weddings and get-togethers. you usually sit down in long rows, like hogwarts tables. two rows face each other – i.e. the people of two rows face each other. this has a lot of opportunity for salacious winking and such ;))) just use ur imagination for more information, do check out the multiple youtube vlogs and blog posts about this.

for the purposes of this post, let me explain why i consider ilai sappaadu a communal thing. first, this requires actual serving. typically, the women of the house cook and serve the food while the men eat first. a bit sexist ya :, but oh well. because weddings and such grand functions are where you meet people your age (i.e. People Your Age And Therefore Possible Suitors), many many tamil movies have a scene where a girl lovingly pours gravy while staring at the boy’s eyes. it’s A Thing. sometimes, though, the younger girls will be permitted to eat with the guys (because they are all Young) – hence the salacious winking mentioned earlier. there’s a specific way to serve the food as well; you can’t just yell who wants xxx dish!!! raise your hand!!! but instead have to go down the road and ask each person individually. by doing so, you do get to form a connection with them, even if it is for a fleeting moment. you learn people’s tastes, and you gain their trust if you can sneak them an extra vadai or two. small things like that.

more importantly, it is also a meal that is very, very long. as such, you tend you talk while you eat, forming friendships with the people next to you. you rib your friend for eating so slowly, you nudge your friend to see that pretty girl standing off at the side, etc etc. all in all, it is designed to make people eat slowly and steadily – the portions are very big and the refills are virtually endless – and therefore encourages bonding and conversation. similar themes, ay?

the third dish is not from asia, but from ethiopia. i don’t know if this is the actual authentic way of eating ethiopian food, but this is what we had in multiple ethiopian restaurants so um haha

but the food has the same basic principle. a large, large plate around which several people are meant to sit. the plate is lined with a thin, roti-like bread, on top of which are several dishes. what you do is tear off the bread and eat it with the side dishes. again, this isn’t a dish you eat alone, and therefore isn’t a dish you eat silently. you literally eat from the same plate, eat the same food, and exchange ideas and jokes as you eat the hot, belly-warming food. again a food designed for communality and community.

compare this food with the food design of today. these days, you find packaged meals designed for one person to eat alone and very quickly. take instant noodles, the perfect example of this modern phenomenon – you pour in boiling water, and wait for a grand total of around 3 minutes waiting for it to cook, then you just. eat it. by yourself. at 3am. sigh.

this isn’t a bad thing, per se; it does make things very convenient. and it’s a good (?) source of sustenance. and i guess you could talk to your co-worker awkwardly while your waiting for your noodles to cook in the pantry. but all things considered, it isn’t a food that’s meant for communal consumption. in fact, it is designed for eating solitarily. same with burgers and meals you get at fast food restaurants. technically, you can eat them on the go. technically, you don’t need to sit down to have them, though it is nice to do so. technically, you can eat it alone.

contrast these kinds of foods with the ones mentioned earlier. the very design of the foods affects their purpose and function. one important point i want to make is that there is no one right type of food. both these categories serve different purposes and are required at different times. obviously, you can’t sit on the floor and have a one-hour long meal when you have to squeeze in lunch between consecutive meetings. but, undeniably, in the past, at least, food was treated as a way to bond and get together. this was reflected in the way their meals were meant to be eaten, and it is a common theme across cultures. while the food itself might be different, they were designed to make people sit down together and enjoy good food together.

because at the end of the day, everyone loves food, or at least tolerates it for the sake of survival. man took that and made it something to bond over, and that has stayed the same for so many years.

so next time you want to grab mala hotpot, grab a friend you haven’t seen in a while along, catch up over snot-filled tissue and stinging tongues. think about why you’re eating what you’re eating, think about the legions of people who’ve enjoyed it like you, and appreciate it.

thanks for reading!! anbudan, noon <33

Dear Danielle....

Dear Danielle,

 Why do you keep screwing everything good that comes your way up? Why do you continue to push the ones who mean the most away? Why do you make everything about you and only you? Because you’re a selfish person? Is that why you continue to fuck up over and over again?  Is that why you pretty much have nobody? Because you were too blind to realise what you were doing was treating people so badly, that they had enough of you and the games you play because you so afraid to tell the world what's really going on in your head. Heart and soul. What is it Danielle? Are the sleepless nights screwing you over? Is guilt flooding through your veins or is it just something you just quiet can’t put your finger on. What is it that makes you continue to hurt people? Is it because you can't let go of the fucked-up past? Or is it because people have protected you so much from all the damage you were causing because they were afraid of hurting you so they let things slide over and over again. And because of that, you never learnt from those mistakes making you the shitty person you are. And of course, those people protecting you aren’t to blame for how you are today.

 Danielle you've changed... but not for the better. Wake up and realize that sometimes things would be better if you didn't come into people's lives because you caused more damage than they already had before they met you.  Your horrible of a person! You actually didn't think about the little bits of shit you were leaving behind in your foot steps that would soon fuck others up. Poor little Danielle that's all people thought at first... but what is poorer is them.  the ones who unfortunately met you.  The ones who have had more damage than they ever thought? Think about it back when you were 16 and the first time some laid a hand on you. the first time someone pushed you into bed and did things that you thought was bad but wasn't because maybe you were asking for it because hey actions speak louder than words so maybe you actually caused it upon yourself because you were maybe teasing that much that they had enough and needed to get it all out of their system.  Maybe the time you went to the party and the boy thought it would be fun to dance wit. You, but you ended up getting touched in places you didn't want to but maybe the way you look at him before came over gave him the impression to come over and show you what he could do. because that smile your previously showed off before he came over or the you moved your body drawing his attention was his reasoning for doing what he did. the way he moved ur underwear to the side or the way u felt him touching you got him off enough to what more… which you would later discover was true.  maybe not physically but with the way you acted was why he continued doing what he did. but don't say you were numb because you weren't you were drunk and most likely fucked off drugs you scored off a mates dealer. and then when it all started to wear off that’s when things became more real it was too late wasn’t it Danielle. he grabbed your hand walking you around the other side of the house it was doing to be cute yea? A little chat a bit of kissing all the pg stuff yea? because surely, he got everything out of his system when he had his tongue down your throat and hands moving around up your skirt was enough. Well girl you were so wrong because that boy didn't have those thoughts in mind. you both found a quiet place and stopped you both smile and straight after he turned you around and with his force had your facing the wall… using one hand to pulled down his pants n the other to pull aside your underwear and pinned u up by your hands n just did it. Just this time it wasn't a game it was your revenge. Think now Danielle think hard you hated that "game" so why are you playing games yourself? You hated it you cry... you begged but nothing came out. you felt weak, helpless alone and when it was over you just laid on the grass not moving… no feeling nothing just like everything that happened flickering through your mind like a movie re run.  so why aren't u thinking back to that party every time you've screwed up? And the answer is you blacked it out because it was something you didn't like... so when it comes to others why is it okay for you to do it but not them? That experience was the first time you knew deep down you were asking for it. You didn't say stop so that was a mutual Agreement that it was okay... even though you were crying... but this isn't a pity party is it Danielle it is reality you cause damage and that was the first-time karma hit you right back where it hurt.  Ding ding is it clicking now you cause shit thing upon yourself. You have no room for excuses now kiddo because this is your reality check. Let go of all the good people before you harm them more. You’re a devil who acts like miss sweetheart but really, you’re a cunt! And you don't even deserve shit off the ground. And the answer to all the questions in your ahead about speaking up was because sometimes inside of you knew that it was partly your fault. Especially that time you got into that relationship with B because you knew he was an abusive you just failed to listen to the warning signs in front of you... for example he spoke to you so shit but you acted like it was fine because you loved him didn't you... did u only let it happen because it was all you deserved? Because back then you weren't exactly a bad person you just made shitty choices that lead to repercussions like those that happened.  Ones like being kicked to the floor because you put something in the wrong place or hit across the face because you said the wrong thing or even when you were held down to the bed by your throat because you didn’t want to fuck like he did. And you let those things shape you into a cunt. You let a guy change you for the worst. You allowed his actions become yours... not physically but emotionally when you played with people feelings.  That's when the real you came out. U then got involved with drugs and drinking to fill the emptiness... but the question was why were you empty Danielle when you had every tom dick n Harry wanting to fill those empty bed sheets. As you lied your half naked body down. the answer now to that is because u didn't deserve to have anybody decent. But then u met someone not realizing he is actually the best person who walked into ur life without realising the importance this person was going to have. But once again over and over again u abused the goodness in someone and have been using his wonderful kind ways n crushing him with constant disappointment. Why are u such a crappy person when yove been raised by an incredible mother who would do anything for those she loves. Does that mean u come from ur dad’s genes? Because they are a lot of abusive dicks especially one who use to hit ur mum for cooking the wrong thing for dinner something so basic like that n later showed another side of cheating on ur mum because apparently, she spent too much time with u and my sister like wtf.  Those things killed your right? The lies were the key factors that lead to the first time you put a blade to your body… you wanted to feel alive and you did. U then began to mess around at school and start to fuck up your future. I really don't know what I'm getting at but I guess it is that ur a horrible person like ur dad.  Ur selfish and heartless. U don't deserve anything good... u deserve to be alone because all the apologies   in the past can't even measure up to the lengths u have fucked people with ur shitty ways’ thought u were getting better when u met this boy who changed ur life, u honestly thought u could be different because u was trying u really were but clearly not hard enough. not enough. enough to make this boy realize that he is actually the best thing in ur life and u love him to bits but don't deserve him. u think u relied on him too much and now ur about to lose him but don't know what to do because ur in this game where u love him so much and want him around me every day but u know he deserves so much better so do u let him go knowing he deserves a decent girl who is an angel even though it's going to crush u because I think he is ur strength 99% of time or do u continue to think of ways to fight for him? Is that being selfish if u hold on and keep fighting because even though u know he needs a good girl? U can't help but still really want him around. Fuck u need answers because ur brains telling u one thing and ur hearts telling u another and u don't know if u could do the friends thing because it maybe way too hard as last time we decided to be friends a while back u got even more hurt than u could ever imagine... but hey that might of been another example of ur pay back of all the times u hurt others I guess. U guess this time I need to grow up

And do what's right even though u don't know what is. u can't cut urself anymore u can't drink anymore u can't do drugs anymore because they addictive evil things   and u guess I need to prove to urself that u need to get ur life together without harming it because even though u don't deserve life right now u do need to face ur mistakes and deal with them head on. and I guess time will tell what is meant to happen but right now all I know is that I'm sitting laying in the middle of a park wishing I wasn't here. around alive I really just want to call it quits or run away from everything I know and start fresh but then again that's unfair to ones I've hurt I need to address them before it's too late even though I have no clue how I'm gonna do exactly that. all I do know is this makes no sense and nobody is going to read this or care but I guess this letter is a letter to myself to think about my actions the next time I’m going to be a horrible person.