#if this website eats this post im gonna throw down
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New Romantics | Mbappé x OC
baby we're the new romantics. Come on, come along with me. Heartbreak is a national anthem. We sing it proudly.
» summary: in which an arrogant and talented football player (the best of his time as some say) and a focused and harsh critic of a journalist are gonna have to find a way to co-exist.
» Prologue
» writer's note: posting this as a first taste before the first chapter which will hopefully come soon as well. If you'd like to follow the story please comment so i can know if people are actually interested before i start writing.
Taglist: @mywhimsyjournal @mrs-bellingham
“Everyone is cheering for the young man everywhere he goes, comparing him with Ronaldo and sometimes, his teammate Messi but ones the true Messi is out of the picture, Mbappe seems unable, in the least, to keep the fort down– what in the actual fuck- J'emmerde cet article stupide. Putain de merde.”
“Oi! Oi! Tranquilles!” Hakimi neared him, holding up his hand as a sign of good faith and took the article from his hands. He started reading it himself while Kylian paced around the room in anger.
“It’s not the first time this man has attacked me-” he started “he always has an opinion and never seems to be satisfied with anything-”
“He’s written things about me and Leo as well. I recognize the name. Don’t take it personally it’s just an angry journalist, there are a lot of those-“
“An angry journalist with views and reads. It’s like fucking gossip girl for football and why is it always about me-”
“You’ve watched gossip girl?” asked Hakimi raising his eyebrows. Kylian paused at his question, like he had confessed to a crime or something.
“My girlfriend used to- why do I have to explain this?” Hakimi shrugged, waving away his previous question. Although Kylian was certain that he would probably bring it up again at some point. “Can we please get back on the real issue?”
“Which is?”
“a fucking random guy who has probably never even touched a football in his life. Who the hell even is he-” Kylian snatched pack the article, searching for the name of the author. “JW” he read “is that even a real name”
“Ok!” Hakimi grabbed back the article, throwing it on the nearest table “I think you need a break.” He pulled him by the hand to drag him out on the training field.
“Im telling you it’s not a real name-”
“No, I bet it’s not. Let’s go.”
Kylian was grumpy for the rest of the training. Kicking the balls and imagining it was JW, running as fast as he could around the field to take out his anger and tackling even his teammates. When he was over, he sat on the bench in the changing rooms, a towel around his waist and nothing to cover his broad chest. He was holding the article in his hands, reading it again and again. His phone next to him was buzzing with messages and when he opened it his Twitter feed was spammed with the same article. J.W. didn’t have any of his personal information on his website or his socials. Following no one, liking nothing, there was nothing to connect him to an actual person but there were theories about him being a girl. Kylian laughed when he read one of them, it actually brightened his mood, like any girl was bold enough to write such harsh and-as much as he hated to admit it- on point reviews for football players and especially him, who was every girl’s favorite according to… well himself. No, that was just an asshole that was jealous of him. An asshole that probably couldn’t play football or get any of the girls he liked, so he had his fun ruining others. “Typical” he mumbled and shut off his phone but not before typing back a quick respond under his latest tweet “get a life”.
Taylor JW's House / London — Night
“Oh no he didn’t!” Taylor’s mouth dropped when she saw his tweet. She got up from the couch, stumbling on the blankets she was covered with and falling on the ground.
“Oh my god, are you ok?” Yelled Trish while eating her popcorn on the other side of the small living room, leaning forward in her seat to look at Taylor, who was now laying with her face planted on the carpet.
“No!” she said putting strength in her hands to get up, groaning as she did that “no I’m not ok! I’m angry” she sat on her knees, staring at her phone “he’s such a cry baby!”
“Who? Oh god Tay, is it your ex again? Didn’t you block him?” she was still eating her popcorn.
“its not Alex! It’s Mbappé!”
Trish mouth remained closed. Her eyes opening wide. She left the bucket with the popcorn on the couch while getting up to get to her friend, sitting on her knees to look at the screen “the hot one?”
“Oh-” Taylor’s hands dropped and she let out a deep sigh of annoyance, looking at her friend like she was done. Trish shrugged her shoulders and got hold of the phone. She began to laugh, trying hard to keep it in so Taylor smacked her in the stomach, getting her phone back.
“What? I’m sorry! It’s funny!”
“It’s not funny!” she finally got up from the floor, untangling herself from all the blankets, throwing them right and left, one of them falling on Trish’s head. “He doesn’t even know me.” She walked over to her computer was, opening it quickly.
“I mean” Trish threw away the blanket she had thrown on her and got up as well “you don’t know him either but you’ve been writing about him every week, judging him-”
“I’m not judging him. I think he’s great! I’m judging the way he plays. Last night he missed 4 chances and ruined 1 because he didn’t want to pass the ball over to Junior-“ Trish had already lost interest but she let her go on for the shake of it “—I’m telling you There’s a difference, and also, it’s my job-”
“It’s not a job, it’s a hobby! Did you even finish that article about the sales, Miranda asked you for?” Taylor looked up from her computer screen slightly. Her eyes betraying her. Trish sighed, shaking her head “you’re unbelievable”
“There was a game last night- I had to watch and write a post. My fans are very demanding.”
“Fans aka creeps on a screen obsessed with football”
“Hey!” she pointed at Trish “I’m one of those creeps”
“Why don’t you just get a job at sports magazine?”
Taylor laughed, while moving the pad to get on her website. There were so many comments on last update about Kylian, it seemed she had really hit a chord. “When you find me one that doesn’t treat women like shit, I will. People find out you’re a woman in this world and suddenly your opinion has no place in their columns. It’s in fact, annoying.”
“So is staying without a job, which is what will happen if you don’t write about those goddamn sales in two hours.”
“It will only take 10 minutes, it’s fine!” she waved it off, hitting press on the new post tab but before her fingers met the keyboard, she got an inbox. She opened it quickly, it was a message from psg, one of their employees. “No shit” she mumbled, barely able to function.
“What now?”
“Galtier wants to speak to me.”
“Who’s that?” Trish walked over to her, a confused look in her face.
“It’s the coach of PSG.”
Trish stood next to her reading the message
“Dear JW.
My name is Julie Blanchet. I work for the PR of Paris-saint German.
The coach of our team, Mr. Galtier, would like to get in contact with you, so I’m tasked to arrange a meeting with you and him in Paris. Please send us an email we can communicate with or a phone. Below you’ll find my personal ID CARD attached so you won’t doubt for the authenticity of this message. Thank you very much.
Have a good day.”
She paused “well send the email what the hell are you waiting for?”
Taylor was frozen. She was thinking of all the possibilities, fearing them even. Her heart sinking.
“What’s wrong with you?”
She looked up at her friend, desperate. “Any time someone has asked to meet me and I go, they minute they see me they think I’m the assistant and they don’t even believe me when I tell them it’s me. Do I really want to fly all the way to Paris just to get that same reaction?”
Trish bit her lip and kneeled down next to her friend, giving het a sympathetic look. “Just prove to them you are better than any man they could have wished for, no matter the hell they give you. I think it’s time for you to stop hiding, chase what you actually love and put your foot down. You’ve been wasting away your time in things you don’t love for years” She smiled “in the words Kylian Mbappé-”
“Don’t- don’t you fucking dare-”
“Get a life!” she finished the sentence and Taylor jumped on her. Play fighting with her on the floor. She was actually considering it, leaving everything behind in London and chasing something new in Paris, maybe. Or just the opportunity of seeing psg playing live, well that was enough to make her quit her day job and do something spontaneous for ones.
PSG TRAINING CAMPUS / PARIS – DAY
“he hasn’t stopped coughing ever since Saturday. You know how many days is that Ky? 5 days- 5 days off listening him cough his lungs out-“ Kylian wasn’t really listening. Not that he didn’t care about Hakimi and his baby, who apparently was sick, but his mind couldn’t focus. He was pulling on the sled drags and slowly coming up. These exercises were usual for him, he did them every day but today was different, he had this heavy feeling on his stomach. He stopped and released himself from the sled drags, nudging his friend.
“Let’s go have a run.” He said quickly and was already sprinting on the open field. Snatching a ball on his way there and throwing it back on the grass, kicking it. He did a few tricks, kicking it up in there and then pushing it with his head on his friend who stepped on it and kicked it back to him.
“You ok bro?” he asked, while they exchanged passes at each other.
“Sure. I may had overreacted with the JW thing.”
Hakimi laughed “No kidding.”
“I don’t know. There’s something awfully annoying about him-“
“GUYS!” Neymar Jr. ran about to them, out of breath like he had been running from the other side of the stadium. Kylian noticed he had a weird look on his face and ducked down to get the ball while Hakimi was approaching him “I went to see Linda, you know, new secretary, upstairs. Looks very pretty today by the way-“
“To the point Junior!”
Neymar took in a few more breaths, pointing up at the offices of Galtier. “JW is here. You know, football writer, he has a website-“
“Yeah we’ve heard of him- Kylian where are you going? Kylian-“
Hakimi rushed behind his friend, who was walking very fast down the hallways. Kylian heard him yelling but he wasn’t going to stop, he wanted to meet that fool even if it got him in trouble with Galtier, see if he had the balls to say all that he was writing on his face. He brushed passed a few people who called his name until he reached the upper floor where the offices were. Linda, stood up when she saw him and walked towards him to stop him- “Mr. Galtier is in a meeting-“ The moment she said that the door opened, Galtier coming out first, Kylian moved closer to him, angry. Hakimi had just reached him, to hold him back.
“Is it true? is that fucking fool here. Where is he? Scared to come out-“ he went quiet quickly when he saw a girl coming out, no older than 25 years old. Brunette hair, hazel eyes. Holding a pile of folders in her hands. She looked small next to Galtier, she looked nervous. Kylian laughed, rubbing his face “He couldn’t even come here himself? He had to send his assistant? Who the hell are you-“
Galtier went to speak “She’s actually-“ but the small girl raised her hand to stop him, faking a smile.
“I’m Taylor. Jo’s assistant.” She answered, reaching her hand out for Kylian to shake. Kylian looked at her hand suspiciously before accepting the offer.
“Your boss is a coward, isn’t he?”
She laughed, taking back her hand. “Is there a message you want me to give him Mr. Mbappe. Except of course the one you already sent him yourself.”
Kylian backed off, placing his hands on his hips “Tell him he should keep his nose out of things he doesn’t have the knowledge on. And he was unfair for Friday’s game-“
“So you didn’t actually avoid passing the ball to Number 10 who was unmarked across from you because the defenders were occupied with the golden child, that’s you by the way, and instead chose to go with an impossible kick for the net which of course resulted to you missing a golden chance.” She spoke so quickly he could hardly follow her rhythm. She gave him a smile at the end, like she knew she had already won the argument.
Hakimi got close to him, putting his hand over his mouth and whispering repeatedly “abort, abort, abort.” Kylian had to slap him on the chest for him to stop and getaway.
“My boss writes what he sees. If you don’t like what he writes, you have to change what he sees.”
“Yes, of course!” said Galtier, in an attempt to cut the tension. Kylian was staring at Taylor like he was going to attack her any time now. “Your presence here, I’m sure will help with that.”
“Her presence?” Kylian raised his eyebrows, he could feel his anger raising as he realized what the situation he walked in on actually was.
“Yes, Miss-“
“Taylor” completed the girl, like Galtier was gonna go ahead and say something different.
“Taylor, yes. She’s here to journal your trainings and your games.”
“In what capacity?” Asked Kylian narrowing his eyes. “This doesn’t make any sense.”
“Well she’s-“
“My boss wants a better look at the team of the guy that insulted him on social media. Maybe he really was wrong. But before he gets here to apologize, we wanna make sure he won’t be wasting his time.”
“Waste—” he laughed “wasting his time? Are you boys listening to this?”
“On top of that. He is writing a special article on the website. A month with Paris Saint-Germain.”
Galtier explained. Giving him the true reason of her arrival.
“Yes, of course, there’s that too.”
Kylian could understand just be her look that she only said the first part to piss him off and in all honesty she had succeeded. He walked closer to the girl, looking down at her. “He shouldn’t have sent a poor girl like you down here to clean his mess.”
“You’ll find I’m not easily intimidated sir.” She shot back “But very easily provoked.” Kylian let out another bitter laugh. He backed away, if it was a man standing across him this conversation would go a completely different way but it was just a girl. So he turned his back on her, leaving. Deep down knowing nothing about her being here would be easy and this next month would be the worst.
Next chapter: Young, bored & dumb
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Not gonna lie I'm crazy excited to start this series if this post does well. Raise your hands if you'll be reading and please please please always comment so i know what you think and if you're following the story. It helps keep the motivation to keep writing hehe.
#kylian mbappe#mbappe imagines#mbappé#mbappe x reader#mbappe#mbappe imagine#mbappe one shot#neymar one shot#neymar imagines#neymar x oc#neymar x reader#football writing#football imagine#Spotify
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Danny didn't die so people could assume he was straight. That's, the worst backstory anyone's thought of for him.
And now Elmer's going to vibe check him into oblivion, smh Valerie I can't believe you've done this.
#own post#elmer fartman#danny fenton#danny phantom#valerie grey#mr lancer#phandom phight club#phight club 2020#round 3: worst backstory for phantom#round 3#owly edits#incorrect danny phantom quotes#incorrect dp quotes#if this website eats this post im gonna throw down
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Tagged by @wheezboys thank u so much??!!?
Rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.
Last:
1. Drink - coffee
2. Phone call - mac or my grandmother i dont know which
3. Text message - my friend jesse!
4. Song you listened to - should have known better, sufjan stevens
5. Time you cried - i crushed my finger under the cream machine at work today and tears rose to my eyes unbidden
Ever:
6. Dated someone twice? - ive never dated :(
7. Kissed someone and regretted it - ive kissed two people and hated both of them in the end
8. Been cheated on - not technically
9. Lost someone special - we all have at some point i think
10. Been depressed - i mean.....yeah
11. Gotten drunk and thrown up - i will never throw up. i won't let myself im not even kidding
Fave colours:
12. red
13. purple
14. olive green
In the last year have you…
15. Made new friends - no the last friend i made was tessa and that was over a year ago now!!!
16. Fallen out of love - platonically, yeah
17. Laughed until you cried - yeah there was this one post and i fukcnig died last night ask me for it im dying to laugh again jhfklghfdljkghd
18. Found out someone was talking about you - yesterday!
19. Met someone who changed you - yeah, not great
20. Found out who your friends are - i dont have irl friends anymore so i guess thats a yes?
21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list - no i blocked ****** and j*sse doesn't have social media
General:
22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl - all but two that i met on tungle
23. Do you have any pets -technically no but my parents have a gorgeous boy named stinky (ask for pics and ye shall receive)
24. Do you want to change your name - Most Desperately
25. What did you do for your last birthday - i was at my friend jess’ and her mother found out ive never gotten a birthday cake and made me a cinnamon roll with a candle and i almost cried
26. What time did you wake up today - 06:15
27. What were you doing at midnight last night - trying to sleep
28. What is something you can’t wait for - friday i get trained for my executive position at my school!
30. What are you listening to right now - eugene, sufjan stevens (BEST SUFJAN SONG)
31. Have you ever talked to a person named tom - yeah!! we wrote music together! i wanted to uhhhhhhhhhhhh.... d*te him
32. Something that’s getting on your nerves - all my impending deadlines :)
33. Most visited website - JSTOR
34. Hair colour - blonde but brown in some places
35. Long or short hair - long and thicc
36. Do you have a crush on someone - kind of??? but i dont Know because th*mas really fuvked me up
37. What do you like about yourself - nothing much to like!
38. Want any piercings? - i have Several and i think i want my next one to be on my nose somewhere
39. Blood type - o negative
40. Nicknames - zak is technically a nickname since its short for zacharian but zak attack (tessa), sweet gee (myself but also tessa), geesus (mac)
41. Relationship status - single and gay
42. Zodiac - scorpio
43. Pronouns - he/they
44. Fave tv shows - x files, dirk gently, t**n w*lf (sorry god sorry mam), hannibal, the good place
45. Tattoos -two on my leg. a mourning band and karma police
46. Right or left handed - left but i can write faster with my right hand because my mother legit forced me to as a kid
47. Ever had surgery - again, Several,
48. Piercings - i had my lip pierced but it got ripped out in a fight. my ears are pierced thrice on both sides and an industrial on the right
49. Sport - i was in a car accident that crushed the left side of my body so not anymore but i used to play soccer, rugby, and i figure skated
50. Vacation - road trip around north america w my friends!
51. Trainers - as in shoes? i have some.
More general:
52. Eating - im scared to eat rn because theres a stomach bug going around and my roommate had it yesterday and if i dont eat i won't be able to throw up so
53. Drinking - i drink whiskey every day of my life. also coffee. and when im feeling healthy, tea.
54. I’m about to watch - nothing im writing a research paper on commodus and nero
55. Waiting for - the day i finally best god in hand to hand combat
56. Want - to finish this essay
57. Get married - for sure! id love to be like “thats my husband!” and knock someone tf OUT
Which is better:
59. Hugs or kisses - not great w physical contact tbh
60. Lips or eyes - eyes
61. Shorter or taller - uuuuuuuh im 4′11″ so im gonna say....taller......
62. Older or younger - older im 20 so right now anyone younger is kinda weird for me
63. Nice arms or stomach - ARMS justin_bieber_i_love_arm.jpg
64. Hookup or relationship - relationship
65. Troublemaker or hesitant - troublemaker i cause shit all the time
Have you ever:
66. Kissed a stranger - not physically
67. Drank hard liquor - yeah moonshine is my bitch
68. Lost glasses - no i only had one pair throughout my entire life and then i switched to contacts and wore them way longer than ur supposed to because it was cheaper and now i Just Dont See
69. Turned someone down - yeah and it was awkward
70. Sex on first date - never dated so No
71. Broken someones heart - i think so but u know
72. Had your heart broken - oh yeah losing vogal felt like losing family
73. Been arrested - :)
74. Cried when someone died - mark
75. Fallen for a friend - jesse i guess but not really
Do you believe in:
76. Yourself - absolutely not im a bozo
77. Miracles - no
78. Love at first sight - no but i believe u were meant for some people?? like at first sight is a little soon but some people u meet and u Know i guess
79. Santa Claus - yeah!! its so uplifting to think he's real, christmas feels that much better if u do
80. Kiss on a first date - i wouldn't but you do you! if ur comfortable and u ask u can and should!
81. Angels - i want to
Other:
82. Best friend’s name - tessa! stormy! begrudgingly mac...
83. Eye colour - one is blue and one is green but if u weren't looking u wouldn't notice
84. Fave movie: rn pacrim is my Interest so we’ll say pacific rim
85. Fave actor- HUGH DANCY
Tagging: @unsolvedbfs @spoookystardust @ghoulign (even tho u already did it) and uuuuh anyone who wants to! the ppl i usually tag on main aren't in this fandom and i dont know many ppl
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i was tagged in 3 tag games in the last day or so and instead of making 3 separate posts in which i tag much of the same people, i decided to consolidate. i love you all who tagged me.
uh....idk if i have anyone to tag? you guys kind of covered everyone i WOULD tag. i guess @flowerparrish, @colormekorrasami, @jordanetalaredead, @megayest, @twin-ace, @lakesandquarries, @peachy-shrimp, and @hotdamnlookatthispan.... if any of these look interesting, you should totally do them!
okay everything under the cuuuuut
tag game number one: tagged by the sweetest human, @carrie-frances
what’s your favourite song(s) to sing/hum? this is a tough one? currently i’ve been singing You by Keaton Henson a lot and also Ophelia by The Lumineers. Let Her Go by Passenger is another goodie for singing lately. Oh and Lost Boy!!!! by Ruth B.
what’s your favourite flower/tree/plant? I love nature wow. My favorite tree is definitely a Weeping Cherry Tree or Willow. My favorite flowers are sunflowers and roses! Plants in general, I just really love cacti? It’s a product of having family I adore in Arizona haha
what do you always doodle? hm... cats, mostly
how do you take your tea/coffee? With plenty of splenda and some milk
favourite candle scent? Vanilla, mostly. just sweet things
what perfume do you wear? body sprays from bath and bodyworks, usually vanilla or peach
what’s your go-to dance move when you’re alone? i have zero clue haha
favourite quote? i don’t know off of the top of my head! perhaps the one i have tattooed, from star wars. “luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.”
favourite self care routine? putting on good smelling lotions. reading a book. snuggling oliver. calling someone i love.
fuzzy socks or house slippers? both! but mostly fuzzy socks
what colour are your eyes? just plain ole brown
what’s your favourite eye colour on others? idk? i think blue or green but i adore brown eyes on everyone
favourite season? why? autumn, i like the colors and the clothes and the smells
cheek, neck or nose kisses? cheek! but the real MVP are forehead ones
what does your happy place look like? the beach but without all the people. or a quiet forest with light filtering in
favourite breed of dog? i’ve always loved boxers the most, and cavaliers
do you ever want to be married? if so, what colours would you pick for your wedding theme? yes, i think i do? i don’t know what colors, it’s always changing. i think it depends on the person i’m with because their input would matter. i’d want the colors to be whatever colors they think of when they see me and vice versa
cursive or print? it’s a solid mix but mostly print
favourite weather? raining and warm, but not thundering
tag game number two: tagged by the amazing @dancyon
— What was your last…
1. Drink: iced tea
2. Phone call: my aunt calling with some hard news
3. Text message: my aunt with an update
4. Song you listened to: love me by the 1975
5. Time you cried: yesterday and i’m gonna cry later today @ love, simon
6. Dated someone twice: yeah
7. Kissed someone and regretted it: for sure
8. Been cheated on: by two different people, apparently im easy to cheat on
9. Lost someone special: sadly, i’ve lost a few
10. Been depressed: lmao got that good good depression goblin
11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: god yeah whoops sorry friends
— Fave colours
12. purple (any shade really)
13. blue (any shade really)
14. soft yellow
— in the last year have you…
15. Made new friends: ahhhh!!!! yes i have ♥
16. Fallen out of love: hhhhhhhhhh
17. Laughed until you cried: probably
18. Found out someone was talking about you: oh yeah
19. Met someone who changed you: yeah, in more ways than one
20. Found out who your friends are: idk???? kinda yeah
21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: uh i think i have my ex still
— General
22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl: majority
23. Do you have any pets: my boy @ollycat and then my dogs and cats @ my parents house
24. Do you want to change your name: i actually did but now i’m back to my birthname bc being NB is one big ???? of what do i want
25. What did you do for your last birthday: oh shit well w my friends i got drunk on rum, dressed up like a pirate, and played d&d. and then fam was the usual cheesecake factory adventure
26. What time did you wake up today: uh around 8 something officially?
27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i think i fell asleep before midnight? if not i was watching Critical Role
28. What is something you can’t wait for: my next tattoo!!
30. What are you listening to right now: just the sounds of my grandparents house
31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I have an ex named Tom and a Grandpa named Tom
32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: just like....everything about this breakup and stuff i guess
33. Most visited website: god uh...tumblr and twitter????
34. Hair colour: naturally a dark brown with some reddish in it. it’s currently died as close as possible to that
35. Long or short hair: medium?
36. Do you have a crush on someone: no currently i’m avoiding all romance like the fucking PLAGUE
37. What do you like about yourself: i’m pretty tenacious
38. Want any piercings: nah, i’m more the tattoo type
39. Blood type: ..............why
40. Nicknames: bird, birb, kbird, kbirb, broseidon
41. Relationship status: single
42. Sign: aries
43. Pronouns: they/them
44. Fave tv show: on air right now it’s b99 and the good place. in general, buffy and gilmore girls
45. Tattoos: i currently have 6 and i want sooooo many more
46. Right or left handed: left!!!!
47: Ever had surgery: tonsils and stomach yeah
48. Piercings: none
49. Sport: none currently but football (soccer) will always have my heart
50. Vacation: currently in arizona!! i’ve been all over though, i miss mexico a lot
51. Trainers: what does this....mean....like.....shoes???????
— More general
52. Eating: currently nothing?
53. Drinking: iced tea currently
54. I’m about to watch: LOVE, SIMON AGAIN BITCH!!!!!!!
55. Waiting for: life to feel right
56. Want: a nap, like always
57. Get married: okay your answer of “if i get past my commitment issues and find someone that loves me, sure” was fucking perfect
58. Career: teacher!
— Which is better
59. Hugs or kisses: hugs
60. Lips or eyes: eyes
61. Shorter or taller: taller
62. Older or younger: older
63. Nice arms or stomach: arms
64. Hookup or relationships: relationship
65. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant
— Have you ever
66. Kissed a stranger: nope
67. Drank hard liquor: hell yeah
68.Turned someone down: in high school yeah. and like once in college
69. Sex on first date: ........im an ace baby
70: Broken someone’s heart: supposedly
71. Had your heart broken: mhmmmm
72. Been arrested: nah, just brought home by cops
73. Cried when someone died: yeah, i cry at everything but especially death
74. Fallen for a friend: ..........only friends tbh
— Do you believe in
75. Yourself: trying to? cullen says my heart’s vibranium
76. Miracles: some days i do
77. Love at first sight: probably not, i used to though
78. Santa Claus: not anymore
79. Angels: i’d like to
— Misc
80. Eye colour: brown!
81. Best friends name: i mean..... jenny, ellie, michelle, and cullen? plus like max and jor, of course
82. Favourite movie: i guess the princess bride is the Most Favorite of All
83. Favourite actor: my MAIN MAN, hugh jackman
84. Favourite cartoon: danny phantom right now
85. Favourite teacher’s name: in HS it was mrs haley and in college it was dr trainor....grad school so far it’s been jen lynady
final tag game: tagged by the cutest, @blurredmxnds
bold the statements that are true
APPEARANCE:
I am 5'7" or taller
I wear glasses
I have at least one tattoo
I have at least one piercing
I have blonde hair
I have brown eyes
I have short hair
My abs are at least somewhat defined
I have or have had braces
PERSONALITY:
I love meeting new people
People tell me that I’m funny
Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me
I enjoy physical challenges
I enjoy mental challenges
I’m playfully rude with people I know well
I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it
There is something I would change about my personality
ABILITY:
I can sing well
I can play an instrument
I can do over 30 pushups without stopping
I’m a fast runner
I can draw well
I have a good memory (lmao about some things???)
I’m good at doing math in my head
I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute
I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling
I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch
I know how to throw a proper punch
HOBBIES:
I enjoy playing sports
I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else
I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else
I have learned a new song in the past week
I work out at least once a week
I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months
I have drawn something in the past month
I enjoy writing
I do or have done martial arts
EXPERIENCES:
I have had my first kiss
I have had alcohol
I have scored the winning goal in a sports game
I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting
I have been at an overnight event
I have been in a taxi
I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year
I have beaten a video game in one day
I have visited another country
I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts
RELATIONSHIPS:
I have a crush on a celebrity
I have a crush on someone I know
I have been in at least 3 relationships
I have never been in a relationship
I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them
I get crushes easily
I have had a crush on someone for over a year
I have been in a relationship for at least a year (on and off)
I have had feelings for a friend
MY LIFE:
I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”
I live close to my school
My parents are still together
I have at least one sibling
I live in the United States
There is snow right now where I live
I have hung out with a friend in the past month
I have at least 15 CDs (somewhere in my things)
I share my room with someone
RANDOM SHIT:
I have breakdanced
I know a person named Jamie
I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce
I have dyed my hair
I’m listening to one song on repeat right now (i JUST ended my thing w this)
I have punched someone in the past week
I know someone who has gone to jail
I have broken a bone (just a toe)
I have eaten a waffle today
I know what I want to do with my life
I speak at least 2 languages
I have made a new friend in the past year
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got tagged in a bunch of things and im cramming them all in one post cuz im lazy ((THANKS @uselessvalshit!!! THESE R FUN))
GONNA TAG SOME PEEPS FIRST. COOL
@spkd @boiz @klavierkakyoin @goopy-amethyst @cr00ked-owl @gracedwithsurvival @ezramillerscheekbones @determinedmonster @annie-the-space-case @nazi-killing-gizmo ((yall dont gotta do it tho ;;))
let us begin the fuckening
Second: BOLD those statements that are true for you.
APPEARANCE
I am 5'7" or taller
I wear glasses
I have at least one tattoo
I have at least one piercing
I have blonde hair
I have brown eyes
I have short hair
My abs are at least somewhat defined
I have or have had braces
PERSONALITY
I love meeting new people
People tell me that I’m funny
Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me
I enjoy physical challenges
I enjoy mental challenges
I’m playfully rude with people I know well
I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it
There is something I would change about my personality
ABILITY
I can sing well
I can play an instrument
I can do over 30 pushups without stopping
I’m a fast runner
I can draw well
I have a good memory
I’m good at doing math in my head
I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute
I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling
I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch
I know how to throw a proper punch
HOBBIES
I enjoy playing sports
I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else
I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else
I have learned a new song in the past week
I work out at least once a week
I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months
I have drawn something in the past month
I enjoy writing
FANDOMS ARE MY #1 PASSION
I do or have done martial arts
EXPERIENCES
I have had my first kiss
I have had alcohol
I have scored the winning goal in a sports game
I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting
I have been at an overnight event
I have been in a taxi
I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year
I have beaten a video game in one day
I have visited another country
I have been to one of my favourite band’s concerts
RELATIONSHIPS
I’m in a relationship
I have a crush on a celebrity
I have a crush on someone I know
I have been in at least 3 relationships
I have never been in a relationship
I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them
I get crushes easily
I have had a crush on someone for over a year
I have been in a relationship for at least a year
I have had feelings for a friend
MY LIFE
I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”
I live close to my school
My parents are still together
I have at least one sibling
I live in the United States
There is snow right now where I live
I have hung out with a friend in the past month
I have a smartphone
I have at least 15 CDs
I share my room with someone
RANDOM SHIT
I’m very picky about my coffee
I love political history
I know random trivia and I bore my friends with it
I read at least 2 full newspapers each day
I’m left-handed
Relationship Status?
single but redy 2 mingle :/
Favourite Color?
blue n purp
Lipstick or Chapstick?
chapstick !
Last song I listened to?
miguel - caramelo duro
Last movie I watched?
wolf children ;-;
Top 3 TV Shows?
1. parks and rec
2. sense8
3. how to get away with murder
Top 3 Bands?
1. arctic monkeys
2. one ok rock
3. the strokes
Books I’m Currently Reading?
great gatsby (fml)
1. Describe me your favorite toy/s as a baby or child?
THIS ONE BRATZ DOLL I HAD it came with a usb to access some website that idr and i thought it was the siccest shit
2. Favorite piece of merch you have? Or what would you like to get if don’t have any?
my joseph joestar & caesar zeppeli figures, but holy god i totally would get a katsuki bakugou figure
3. Favorite piece of jewelry (from earrings to rings) you own?
i had these iridescent tentacle earrings. they were beast as fuck but i lost them ;;
4. What do you do when you have a day where you don’t have to do anything or go anywhere you don’t want to?
watch anime, read fanfiction. lmao
5. Any country in Latin America you would like to visit?
costa rica always seemed really cool...or at least my spanish teachers would always hype it up lmao
6. OTP of OTP’s no matter the fandom?
BORRA, ROYAI, AND HIKAHARU/TAMAHARU. FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
7. How much time does it take you to get prepared for a party or reunion?
never more than 20 minutes lol
8. Least favorite part of the day?
school, i guess
9. That song(s) always helps you to relax or calm yourself down?
persona 5 beneath the mask
10. Did you like to go out when you were a kid?
yes!!!!!! and nothings changed lol
11. If you have to choose to drink and eat only one thing, without consequences, what those things would be?
drink: rose jasmine tea w boba (or any good boba drink lbr)
food: shrimp alfredo :3c
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a giant post about tag games that im gonna finish right now [pt. 1]
skjfhsdkf i’ve been tagged for games and i’ve been neglecting to do them so here’s a giant post with all of them! not gonna tag anyone cause there are so many BUT feel free to do them :’) im warning u, this is gonna be super long!
kpop q’s!
tysm to @yugy for tagging me!!
1. who was your first female bias?
iu
2. who was your first male bias?
cheondung from mblaq!
3. who are your current biases? other than the above:
no biases..im an OT stan (lmao am i the only OT stan for all groups?)
4. in the entire kpop indrustry, who is the closest to your ideal type?
jkshdfksd hmmmm...i dont really have an ideal type..
5. have you ever attended any kpop concert/fan meet/fan sign?
yes!
6. if yes, which group/artist? how was your experience?
my first concert (which is the only concert i’ve been to so far), was club eskimo (dean, offonoff, miso, saay). it was amazing! the performances were a1 n meeting them was so cool. i also saw monsta x! it was such a great night n the boys were so sweet!
7. which group(s) would you like to see live?
got7, seventeen, block b, b.a.p, day6, nu’est, winner...a lot of groups lmao
8. how did you get into kpop?
my brother actually showed me suju’s sorry sorry like in 2009 n i got really interested, so i started looking around n finding more groups.
9. who are your otps?
i haven’t really gotten into otps yet, but some i do know are: yugbam, verkwan, jinyoon, sope
10. when did you start shipping?
jkshfksd im still figuring out ships
11. what was your favorite fanfic genre?
anything thats fluff n angst dkhkdfg
12. what is your favorite music genre?
i listen to a lot of genres
top 10 bias tag
thank u tracy, @eggciao, for tagging me!!
sdfkhsdf im ot so this is gonna be hard but o well (i already did this but imma do it again lmao)
1. junhui (svt)
2. yongguk (b.a.p)
3. chunjin (myteen)
4. ten (nct)
5. johnny (nct)
6. yoochan (a.c.e)
7. dowoon (day6)
8. hyungwon (monsta x)
9. dongho (nu’est)
10. jisung (wanna one)
song tag
thank u @otteryj n @kawaiikpopofsatan n @calemiel for the tag :-)
rules: put your music on shuffle and list the first 10 songs and tag 10 people!
1. 짜장면 - myteen
2. cant see the end - seventeen
3. cry - mblaq
4. stop it - b.a.p
5. moon, 12:04am - offonoff
6. 다시 앞으로 (ft. sumin) - loco
7. 밀착 - taek
8. hey - got7
9. rollercoaster - monsta x
10. good bye bye - nu’est
five things tag
thank u to the lovely @smilingvernon n @whaaattheflower for tagging me!
rules: write the five things in the situation, and then tag 15 people~
five things you’ll find in my bag:
headphones
tons of pens
gum
color pencils
tons of random papers that I need to throw out
five things you’ll find in my bedroom:
vinyls
art supplies scattered everywhere
all of my ceramic and sculpture works
lots of club supplies
binders that are super old, which I need to get rid of
five things I’ve always wanted to do:
travel
learn a new language
go to a festival
sell art
volunteer in a different country
five things that make me feel happy:
dogs
my family n friends
food (so cliche but honestly..)
my lovely mutuals
my favorites loving themselves
five things I’m currently into:
skin care
old school rnb/hip hop/soul/rap
asmr
crime shows
plants
five things on my to-do list:
possibly dye my hair bc senior portraits are coming up
explore n go outside
buy more vinyls even though im broke shfksdsdf
stop being a pushover ://///
fix my sleeping schedule before school starts but we all know it’s not going to happen
get to know me tag
thank u to @cngkyns n @urmomstax n @sleepyw0ns n @nyaaaaaw for tagging me!
rules: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people
the last:
1. drink: boba
2. phone call: my mom
3. text message: “50% sweet and light ice” (i was texting my sister my drink order lmao)
4. the song you listened to: diamond 4 ya - b.a.p
5. the time you cried: ahh i don’t remember
have you:
6. dated someone twice: no
7. kissed someone and regretted it: no
8. been cheated on: no
9. lost someone special: yes
10. been depressed: yes
11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no
list three favorite colors:
12-14: black, yellow, green (that muted green color though lmao)
in the last year have you:
15. made new friends: yes
16. fallen out of love: yes
17. laughed until you cried: yes
18. found out someone was talking about you: yes
19. met someone who changed you: yes
20. found out who your friends are: yes
21. kissed someone on your facebook list: no
general:
22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: a majority of them
23. do you have any pets: used to have fishes, turtles, and birds
24. do you want to change your name: not anymore
25. what did you do for your last birthday: went out to go eat with the family
26. what time did you wake up: 11am
27. what were you doing at midnight last night: watching one fine day
28. name something you can’t wait for: la trip in october
29. when was the last time you saw your mom: yesterday night
30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: im tired of being a pushover :///
31. what are you listening right now: yoongi’s mixtape
32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes?
33. something that is getting on your nerves: people who love calling others rude names over minor mistakes, ANYONE THAT SEXUALIZES MINORS, passive aggressive people. i have more but that would be a long list.
34. most visited website: tumblr
lost questions aka random info about me
35. mole(s): one on my thigh (if i remember correctly)
36. mark(s): on my elbow from falling, one between my brows when i slipped on the stairs n fell during tag
37. childhood dream: i had so many like being a dentist, firefighter, cop, etc.
38. hair color: dark brown
39. long or short hair: i like both!
40. do you have a crush on someone: nope
41. what do you like about yourself: my ceramic and sculpture skills!
42. piercings: nope
43. bloodtype: i dunno
44. nickname: lili (that’s what my cousins calls me)
45. relationship status: single
46. zodiac: aries
47. pronouns: she/her
48. favorite TV Show: all the old nick, cartoon network, and disney shows, law & order svu, ridiculousness, wild n out, mr. robot, etc.
49. tattoos: nope
50. right or left hand: right
51. surgery: yes but when i was younger
52. hair dyed in different color: i have done like an ombre before
53. sports: i like basketball, swimming, and baseball
55. vacation: i wanna go back to hawai’i, visit korea, thailand, philippines, etc.
56. pair of trainers: 2
more general:
57. eating: lots of viet and chinese
58. drinking: water, and boba
59. i’m about to: watch some shows, make gfx n gifs
61. waiting for: the day i graduate highschool
62. want: lots of food n rest
63. get married: yes, but maybe after i get settled a bit w my career
64. career: sculptures&ceramics/graphic designer, or psychology/criminal justice
which is better?:
65. hugs or kisses: hugs
66. lips or eyes: eyes!
67. shorter or taller: either
68. older or younger: either, but not by a lot
70. nice arms or stomach: either lmao
71. sensitive or loud: both!
72. hookups or relationships: relationships
73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant
have you ever:
74. kissed a stranger: no
75. drank hard liquor: yes
76. lost glasses/contact lenses: yes
77. turned someone down: yes
78. sex on the first date: no
79. broken someone’s heart: yes
80. had your heart broken: yes
81. been arrested: no
82. cried when someone died: yes
83. fallen for a friend: no
do you believe in:
84. yourself: not really :/
85. miracles: yes, but where are they in my life lmao
86. love at first sight: depends
87. santa Claus: no
88. kiss on the first date: no
89. angels: yes
other:
90. current best friends name: hannah, jane, kim, christina, and jhkdfs all of my network pals :-))
91. eyecolor: dark brown
92. favorite movie: any studio ghibli film i’ve seen, kill bill 1 & 2, forrest gump, wonder woman, beetle juice, boyz n the hood, etc.
question tag
tagged by @wooziology!!! tysm :-))
1. ARE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE?
nope
2. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
i don’t remember
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
i like it. it’s super small.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
beef or chicken
5. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
yes?
6. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
yes
7. DO YOU HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
yes
8. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
no thank u
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF CEREAL?
cookie crunch, cinnamon toast, or regular cheerios
10. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES?
yes
11. DO YOU THINK YOU’RE A STRONG PERSON?
no
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
coffee
13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
their personalities
14. RED OR PINK?
both!
15. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE PHYSICAL THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF?
my forhead lmao
16. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING NOW?
black jeans n black/white vans
17. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
pizza n pasta
18. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
OYEAH by olnl (he’s a really nice rapper, check him out!!)
19. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
grey
20. FAVORITE SMELL?
mint
21. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE?
my mom
22. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
basketball
23. HAIR COLOR?
dark brown
24. EYE COLOR?
dark brown
25. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
no
26. FAVORITE FOOD TO EAT?
noodles, especially noodle soups
27. SCARY MOVIE OR COMEDY?
both!
28. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
the belko experiment (one of the most wild films i have watched)
29. WHAT COLOR OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
tan wih orange stripes
30. SUMMER OR WINTER
winter forever
31. HUGS OR KISSES
hugs!
32.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING?
none but i wanna read the divine comedy, the lathe of heaven, and demian
33. WHO DO YOU MISS RIGHT NOW?
my brother n cousins n parents
34. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
i dont have a mouse pad
35. WHAT IS THE LAST PROGRAM YOU WATCHED?
seventeen’s one fine day
36. WHAT IS THE BEST SOUND?
the rain or waves. they’re honestly so soothing
37. ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES?
im more familiar with the beatles, so beatles
38. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER TRAVELED?
hawai’i
39. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
do my ceramic n sculpture skills count or?
40. WHERE WERE YOU BORN
california!
30 questions tag!
tagged by the cuties, @lastnamesuh n @eatnamjin n @princesssjoy n max. thank you so much!
nickname: hmmm...my monbebe pals often call me baeiley...i think someone also has me as baeleaf too lmao. other nicknames beside that are lili, which is what my cousins call me.
gender: female
star sign: aries
height: 5′3
time: 6:20pm
birthday: april 1st
favorite bands: nu’est, b.a.p., got7, seventeen, monsta x, myteen, a.c.e, winner, nct (lmao all of three), block b, btob, day6, theboyz, victon, vixx...n a lot of other groups.
favorite solo artist(s): im such a big khh/krnb fan so brave, saero, crucial star, samuel seo, jeebanoff, dean, dpr, punchnello, bewhy, crush, g.nine, loco, bloo, dumbfoundead, olnl, sik k, n a lot more. others are taek, paul kim, iu, jung jin woo, ra.D, grizzly, moonmoon, sam kim, miso, suran, etc. for american music, its sza, kehlani, sob rbe, childish gambino, made in tyo, amine, isaiah rashad, kendrick lamar, etc.
song stuck in my head: overcome - nu’est & crush - yuna
last movie i watched: hmmmm...men in black. its one of my favorites!
last show i watched: law & order svu
when did i create my blog: i created this blog...like 2014? this blog was originally my personal but i moved it so it can be my primary. i would say i changed into a kmusic blog this year in january!
what do i post: lmao im multifandom so a lot of groups, also some aes n social stuff.
last thing i googled: the word “blithely” for my english class
do u have other blogs: i have my personal which is @medasins n another blog but i aint gonna tell u the other one bc that one is still being edited. i also run monbebe net as an admin with four of my other mutuals.
do u get asks: super rare lmao. i dont mind people sending asks though!
why did u choose this blog name: i wanted a general username n i just love noodles so much jksgfddfhggj
following: tons of talented/adorable mutuals that i love so much! also others that make a lot of beautiful content!
followers: 517
favorite colors: literally the color scheme i have for my blog rn (black, mustard/golden yellow, n this blueish-grey). i also rlly like grey, or any other muted tones.
average hours of sleep: during school...3-7 hours. during the summer/weekends...8-10 hours.
lucky number: i do not have a lucky number but 0?
instruments: i played brass/lower brass instruments (trumpet, cornet, baritone, n french horn) from like 5th-8th grade. right now i play/am learning a bit of ukulele!
what am i wearing: black running shorts n a grey tee
how many blankets i sleep with: one but two for winter
dream job: i dunno...still figuring it out
dream trip: traveling!
favorite food:
favorite food: literally noodles, any noodles. i also love homemade viet n chinese food. O INDIAN N THAI TOO.
nationality: chinese!
favorite song now: ummm...lately i by saero, but also 짜장면 by myteen
#ty to all the pals who tagged me!!! ily!#JKSDHFKSD THIS TOOK ME SO LONG#u dont have to read this lmao so spare urselves kjsdfsd#i still have to do the photo ones djghfdkg im sorry :////#ill try to get them finished this weekend!#tag: game#celestial mutuals
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im doing my best in school but tbh ive gotten to the point where if i dont meet the grade average the actual school wants me to have in order to accept me ive kind of just
accepted that i’ll be kinda fucked and try to push through stuff until i give up
idk a lot of it feels like im being set up for failure pretty often.
i have a schedule to check things that meets the req to check x times a week
but stuff is being assigned on the inbetween days to be due on the days i check and i jsut dont have the time to do it (or there’s a bunch of new guidelines introduced after the posted assignment by four days and by then i already turned in what i did and i get marked down b/c of the late addendum)
i regret taking 4 courses and wish i took 3 or 2 but i couldnt do that since the deal was i take a full course load with this school and make a 2.5 minimum to be accepted to the actual, real school. maybe i shouldnt have cowered out of the arrangement i couldve had where i got to the physical school and have physical classes and live in an apartment. b/c. i think if i did that id be doing a lot better in them. i just freaked out b/c i dont do well alone (i get extremely paranoid/scared and with where my mind was going i didnt want to be alone).
online just feels really difficult for me. its hard to keep track of everything. its hard to remember where x, y, or z is ‘cuz they’re all buried under seven different links that are different between the classes. sometimes the textbook fails and crashes and you lose all your progress in terms of it keeping track that you’re reading and doing the dumb 30 question quizzes inside of it. so then it’s like another four hours down the drain.
then it’s like “oh this is an easy assignment” and im struggling witht hose and im like “what the fuck is a hard assignment b/c im gonna fail it”
i feel like im either going to barely squeak by with the 2.5 or im gonna fail too many things and not make it and then it’s basically kind of
well, either i finish the book i have almost done-ish and i get lucky and get to live my actual childhood dream
or i take on multiple minimum wage jobs and just hope for the best or make it as far as i can before i give up
i want to say i really hate myself for dropping out so much and barely being able to function so many times but sometimes it feels unfair to my own self since it’s mostly depression/anxiety and not having any resources or help. or i get fucked over on something that’s really important to my own mental health and sense of safety.
like UWGB: 0 access to counseling or therapy resources until after the allowed drop-out date. Also there, i got singled out and mocked by a professor and i basically started to cry. Also there, i had a class that ended at midnight and had to walk across an unfamiliar campus at night to try and find my dorm and usually was up walking and looking for it until 2AM while being terrified and paranoid the entire time. Also there, dorms weren’t heated or had A/C so i kept overheating in my room and could barely sleep, and nearly collapsed three or four times.
then UCD: request a single room for myself or with 1 other roommate, was uncomfortable with the idea of roommates mostly because of me having transgender feelings and the inability to process them properly. i also just like my space and i get worn down and break down when just dealing with too much all the time.
instead i was promised a 2 person max room and got the two person max room but with 4 other people (including me there were 6 of us living in a one bedroom... room). i couldnt sleep b/c roommates wouldn’t sleep (they basically drank and yelled all night, or they’d get high at 3AM and 5AM). one of them touched me a lot and got into my space a lot and it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. i never felt like i had any space and just felt overwhelmed the entire time and got told to fuck off by the housing people multiple times while eating cold tortillas with cold cheese that was melted over it at one point for their lunches/dinners b/c apparently that’s what the meal plan was.
i got pretty sick there a couple times. the coffee place basically never gave me soy milk which i kind of need b/c otherwise i might throw up or have incredibly painful stomach pains. i nearly passed out in a class because it was so bad and i started crying at my desk which was when the professor told me to leave b/c it looked like i had the flu.
so i stopped drinking coffee there, which made me feel like shit in the morning and completely unaware of everything (almost got hit by two cars trying to get to my 6AM class that was a mile walk away from the dorm, since it was clear across and off the campus). and then from there i became extremely suicidal and told my counselor that every time i stood in front of the train tracks that early up, i considered stepping in front of the train passing through and almost did it once (someone behind me tugged me back b/c they thought i was in the process of tripping).
but i got basically no sleep there, most of my memories are really messy and hazy and i barely register what happened a lot of the time b/c i just legitimately couldn’t process things at the time. i went a week where i didnt eat anything and probably got 4 hours of sleep those entire 7 days. all i really remember is feeling dizzy and lightheaded all the time and really hating sunny days because it hurt my eyes and i’d get bad headaches. well and my counselor giving me six dollars to go to the mcdonalds downstairs b/c she wanted me to eat something
then online stuff is just... everything is put in gods knows where, the textbooks crash, the website sometimes won’t work, the assignments are put up randomly without notice, everything is a 3,000 word commitment from just the discussions to the papers and it’s jsut overwhelming and tbh a lot of the time i feel unsure if i can even keep up or do it all. and i know if i pass it all then i can go to UC Boulder and hope i have a better experience than the other two universities, or it’s just as bad and i suffer through it until i have a degree so i can actually have a career that lets me actually live.
or i fail it all and die in my mid twenties probably.
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tagged by my beautiful sunshine girl @bianaprnce thank u much, honey!
Rules: answer all the questions and tag 20 other blogs (tagged at the end of the post)
last:
1. drink: grape soda
2. phone call: my mama! she called me from work
3. text message: telling my aunt that my grandma was still asleep
4. song you listened to: tell that devil by jill andrews lmao i was in a we mood
5. time you cried: a few hours ago,,
6. dated someone twice: unfortunately, yes
7. kissed someone and regretted it: nah
8. been cheated on: ,,,,yes
9. lost someone special: yeah
10. been depressed: everyday of my life buddy
11. gotten drunk and thrown up: whoops thats a big ole yes
3 favorite colors
12. pastel yellow (anything too bright hurts my eyes)
13. pink
14. purple
in the last year have you
15. made new friends: yeah! (not irl tho lol)
16. fallen out of love: no?
17. laughed until you cried: yeah
18. found out someone was talking about you: nah
19. met someone who changed you: yeah
20. found out who your friends are: thats a big ole yes
21. kissed someone on your facebook list: i dont have facebook!
general
22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: i dont have facebook!
23. do you have any pets: i do! two kitties! quinn and riley!
24. do you want to change your name: nah, im not the biggest fan of my name but i wouldnt change it
25. what did you do for your last birthday: my best friends took me to see wonder woman!!! best bithday ever!
26. what time did you wake up: ,,,midnight. my sleeping schedule is kinda fucked
27. what were you doing at midnight last night: i just woke up
28. name something you can’t wait for: this weekend!! its my friends birthday and we’re going to a little resort type thing for the night and then her parents are throwing a party the next day
29. when was the last time you saw your mom: a few days ago
31. what are you listening to right now: just my spotify
32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: no?
33. something that is getting on your nerves: i have this pain on my side thats bugging tf out of me
34. most visited website: youtube
35. hair color: very dark brown
36. long or short hair: long ish?
37. do you have a crush on someone: always
38. what do you like about yourself: im kind of a mother hen to my friends and i like it for the most part
39. piercings: nothing but my ears
40. blood type: no clue
41. nickname: illy, ellie, lala, lily, billy,,,my family has many
42. relationship status: single
43. zodiac: gemini
44. pronouns: she/her
45. favourite tv show: wynonna earp! and i started watching brooklyn nine nine and i Love it!
46. tattoos: none right now but i want one v badly
47. right or left handed: right
48. surgery: never
50. sport: i used to play basketball in like the second grade??? but thats it
52. pair of trainers: literally just one pair that i never use
MORE GENERAL
53. eating: nothing right now
54. drinking: same as above
55. I’m about to: watch a video and try to stay awake!
56. waiting for: this weekend!
57. want: answers from a few different people
58. get married: maybe? idk
59. career: dream? i get to travel around the world and write about where i visit what im going to school for soon? nurse
WHICH IS BETTER
60. hugs or kisses: i Love affection so both all the time
61. lips or eyes: oh boy, both are amazing but for some reason lips draw me in
62. shorter or taller: dont care
63. older or younger: older or my age. even a year younger or something is weird to me
64. nice arms or nice stomach: on another person? umm stomach i guess
65. hookup or relationship: relationship. hookups are nice and all but i had a bad experience and now its just not something i want
66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant. always. my two best friends are troublemakers, i have to be hesitant.
HAVE YOU EVER:
67. kissed a stranger: nope
68. drank hard liquor: yup
69. lost glasses/contact lenses: lost my glasses once when i first starting wearing them (i was seven to be fair)
70. turned someone down: yeah
71. sex on the first date: no
72. broken someone’s heart: my ex might say i did?
73. had your heart broken: by a friend
74. been arrested: nope
75. cried when someone died: of course
76. fallen for a friend: ,,,,,,,,,,,,yes,,,,and it was awful i dont recommend
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
77. yourself: sometimes??
78. miracles: i like to
79. love at first sight: not really, no
80. santa claus: no
81. kiss on the first date: sure!
82. angels: idk
OTHER:
84. eye color: brown
85. favorite movie: wonder woman, clueless, funny girl, all cheerleaders must die,, i cant choose one
tagged: @autistickryptonian @scottymalia @antniobanderas @ronniescoopre @pineapplejerky @trimbxrly @moodyandbifurious @profoundmischeifmaker and 20 is alot of people to tag so im gonna stop here, but if u wanna do it, just go ahead and tag me!
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92 Statements
Tagged by: @theonepariah
Rules: You must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people
THE LAST:
1. Drink: Milk
2. Phone call: My mom
3. Text Message: I sent a gif of someone drinking wine to my friend
4. Song you listened to: Blood Sweat & Tears by BTS
5. Time you cried: Like 5 days ago
6. Dated someone twice: Nope
7. Kissed someone and regretted it: I’ve never kissed anyone
8. Been cheated on: Nope
9. Lost someone special: No
10. Been depressed: Yes
11. Gotten drunk and throwing up: Neither
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Purple
13. Aqua/Turquoise
14. Light Blue
IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends: Yes
16. Fallen out of love: I’ve never been in love
17. Laughed until you cried: Yes
18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes
19. Met someone who changed you: Not really
20. Found out who your friends are: Yes
21. Kissed someone on your facebook list: I’ve never kissed anyone
GENERAL:
22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I don’t have Facebook
23. Do you have any pets: No
24. Do you want to change your name: Sometimes yes, sometimes no
25. What did you do for your last birthday: I had a sleepover with a couple of my friends
26. What time did you wake up: 8:30 am
27: What were you doing at midnight last night: I was on Tumblr on my phone
28. Name something you can’t wait for: I’m leaving for camp today, can’t wait to get there
29. When was the last time you saw your mom: She’s sitting across from me right now
30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish my mom had a job she actually liked
31. What are you listening to right now: Red Flavor by Red Velvet
32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: No
33. Something that is getting on your nerves: The weather
34. Most visited website: Probably AO3, Tumblr or Youtube
35.Mole/s: None
36. Mark/s: Stretch marks??
37.Childhood Dream: As a kid, I wanted to be a chef or a fashion designer
38: Hair color: Dark Brown
39. Long or short hair: Long
40. Do you have a crush on someone: Not right now
41. What do you like about yourself: My eyelashes and kinda my personality
42. Piercings: Only one in each ear but I’m planning on getting a couple more
43. Blood type: A+
44. Nickname: I don’t have one
45. Relationship status: Single
46. Zodiac: Virgo
47. Pronouns: She/Her
48. Favorite TV show: I dont really have one, i dont have the patients to finish a tv show so i mostly start them and never finish them
49. Tattoos: None at the moment but im planning on getting a couple
50. Right or left-handed: Right
51. Surgery: None
52. Hair dyed a different colour: I have blond streacks in my hair but i want to dye it light purplw
53. Sport: I play volleyball and i like to swim
54. Vacation: I’ve always wanted to go to Italy and Japan
MORE GENERAL:
57. Eating: Nothing
58. Drinking: Nothing
59. I’m about to: Idk, finish this post??
61. Waiting for: 11 am so I can leave to go to camp
62. Want: Art supplies, books and tumblr friends
63. Get married: ???
64. Career: I’d like to be an architect
WHICH IS BETTER:
65. Hug or kisses: I’ve never been kissed but I really like to cuddle so hugs
66. Lips or eyes: Both
67. Shorter or taller: I don’t really care
68. Older or younger: Older
70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Stomach i guess
72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship
73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Depends on the situation
HAVE YOU EVER:
74. Kissed a stranger: No
75. Drank hard liquor: No
76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No and thank god cause my mom would kill me
77. Turned someone down: No
78. Sex on the first date: I’ve never been on a date
79. Broken someone’s heart: idk
80. Had your heart broken: Not in a relationship way
81. Been arrested: No
82. Cried when someone died: In a book or on TV
83. Fallen for a friend: No
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
84. Yourself: Depends
85. Miracles: Yes
86. Love at first sight: Lust at first sight, not love
87. Santa Claus: No
88. Kiss on the first date: Maybe, depends on the mood
89. Angels: Yes but not in a biblical way
OTHER:
90. Current bestfriends name: Amira, Sharai, Christina, and Abyan
91. Eye color: Dark Brown
92. Favorite movie: There’s to many but I really liked Home (the cartoon with the aliens)
I'm not gonna tag 20 people cause I don’t know that man people on this site, I'll just tag the people that are in my notes @omgneonwhite @shewhoforgothedragon@carlybird9 @bookfandomsaremylife @tommoscott @lysselove
*Please ignore the glitchy spacing, my computers being an idiot
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This is a long vent/mind dump. I’m typing this out to keep preoccupied and not binge. I’m going to shove it all under the cut so that you don’t have to read this D I S A S T E R.
I cannot believe that this fucking POS (he’s not a pos, I love him) THAT THIS POS TOOK SONGS FROM OUT PLAYLIST AND PUT THEM IN his playlist. Like I should stab him for that. Maybe after his 3rd time being stabbed by someone he will stop being so dumb >>
Ugh he is so much prettier than me. Like I’m gross and short and fat and covered in acne my skin is SO FUCKING ugly and my teeth are hfudihgdi and ughhhhh. NOT TO MENTION HIS EYES ARE !! He has a stupid nose though. My nose is cuter... and I’m not a lil bitch so *shrugs*
BUT HE CHOSE HIM OVER ME BUT THEN SAID HE WANTS TO MARRY ME AND NOT HIM....HOW THE EVER LIVING FUCK DOES THAT MAKE SENSE????????????????????????????????? no please. if you are reading this make sense of that for me cause I cannot process that information XD
FUCKING TRASH. ALL THESE BOYS ARE TRASH.
Can I just rip my organs out?
I want a normal relationship.....should I try? OMG IMAGINE I DATE A CISHET GIRL, GO STEALTH, STOP DRESSING LIKE A FAG, AND LIVE A CISHETERONOMATIVE LIFE STYLE BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I finally broke my plateau and I WANT TO FUCKING BINGE. BUT I CANT BECAUSE IF I END UP OVER 110LBS AGAIN I WILL THROW MYSELF OUT A WINDOW..... i wanna munch tho. nomnomnomnom
Yo this reads like I am on a substance but i’M LITERALLY NOT I JUST GREW UP A SCENE KID AND IM REGRESSING BACK TO THAT MINDSET XDDD
UGH I WANT A PEACH GUMMIE IN MY TUMMY.
YO AYESHA EROTICA IS QUEEN.
im going to stop with the caps now. i wanna read my book but my brain is too foggy to focus. I have vegan pasteries down stair and I have had 2 today if I eat another one i know I will get so fat that I will actually become a whale and then die cause I’m out of water.
I’m so over being in recovery (for my surgery). I want to be able to actually do something but I am stuck here in my house not able to do anything cause I can barely move my arms. I did sneak out and skate a lil bit because I could not take it anymore. It was risky but idgaf.
I wanna do c r a f ts .
Like so bad for no reason. Like I just need something to keep my mind occupied besides food. Because I feel like thinking about food is making it harder to not want to eat all the time.
I wish I could work out. I feel myself getting flabby. But any strain make my body feel ickkkkkk right now.
Should I make an about me post and pin it to my profile...? I guess so.
I really should have stayed in therapy with that one lady, cause she really was gonna test me for ADD and like...I really do be having it.
I wish I didn’t spend my life just killing time and actually did shit LOL
Every time I think about that I want to just shoot myself
THINGS I could do if I had just stuck to them instead of choosing to just scroll through endless social media and jack off all day:
Speak Japanese... and korean.... and german
Do cool skate board tricks
Play guitar, bass, and piano
How to sew, embroider, reupholster furniture, and do other cool crafty hand on things like that
How to stick and poke
How to actually draw/paint and not have it look like a 6th grader on deviantart who just discovered anime did it
Read like at least 20 books so far this year
My astrology and tarot website/buisness would still be relevant and maybe I’d actually have some customers
Have a consistent youtube channel (that would def have a following if I had kept it up from when I first started 11 years ago)
Have friends
Doing work in the community
Going to protests
BE FUCKING SKINNY lMAO
Traveled to different states and just experienced more of life
The list could keep gong but I am over this part of the rant.
BLABLABLA IM STARTING TO GET A HEAD ACHE.
I want this shit head to message me back, but he’s not.
I guess I am just going to go to bed alone, hungry, crying, sad.
I hate this shit.
i hate this “life”.
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Im not gonna lie
This is going to be long, sad, depressing and worrying, depending on who’s reading this. You are not obligated to read this, as admittedly its just gonna be a pity party, but, im going to try something. A sort of mental hail merry.
Though to be honest, i dont even know what all i want to say, there’s so much in my head, so much of it i cant even differentiate between it anymore. I’ll just write, and what is said is said.
Im so tired, i truly just dont care about life anymore. Im not suicidal mind you, i dont actively want to die. But if i was to drop dead today, i dont think i’d work myself up to much. And, i dont rightly know why. There’s a few ideas in my head but i have no clue.
Ive been living so many lies in my 18 years that now i dont even know what i am, who i am. Ive made up titles and stories about myself to make myself seem interesting and likable, that if you look at all my individual friend groups, each-one could tell you about a different Paul. Im a habitual liar, to the point that im even doubting the legitimacy of what im typing now! And, that eats me up, no-one, absolutely no-one knows me truly, knows the real me, not even you. Sure they know pieces, the ones relative to the story im telling, They might know the important things, but the little things that make Paul, Paul? Hell just go talk to my friend group from school, they can feed you an entirely different person.
I hate it, i hate having to keep up all these stories, but now there so far at sea if i tried to come clean i’d burn those metaphorical friendships down.
But, the worst part? At this point, i dont even know what i am anymore. What to call myself, what titles are true and not ones i took for myself to blend in. Im a writer who doesnt write, a gamer who doesnt enjoy the hobby anymore, a romantic who’s desire to love has faded, a friend who’s pushed everyone away, and a lover that isnt present mentally or physically. Plus whatever fake ones i came up to look cool, historian, martial artist, astronomer, whatever. The titles i once held dear to me, that were true to my fundamental being lie in ashes and swept away in the wind and now that im laid bare, im scared. Im cold. I just want to shrivel away and disappear somewhere where i wont be a bother to anybody.
I could end here... But there’s so much more i want to say.
I dont have a desire to do anything anymore. I wake up, eat something, maybe text if im up for it, play games and thats it. Maybe go to the gym occasionally, make a phone call. But the things that make life fun, and worthwhile, things i used to complain i never had time for dont bring me joy. I could spend days behind a game, engrossed in its story or gameplay, or write the most mediocre stories on my computer, and as bad as those stories were they were the world to me, and now i stare at the start screen, or the blinking line of a document, and just sigh.
I have so many people that want to reach out to me, and i find myself muting or ignoring them. When my heart is screaming to reach out, cling to the lifeline their throwing at me. But my mind just doesnt have the energy anymore.
Im drowning in schoolwork i need to get done or im gonna get kicked out, but everytime i boot up the computer and open up the website, i just shrug and ignore it. Im screaming at myself to do something, be active, be productive,
“At the very least log onto duelingo, continue your french lessons, or work on a Dungeon for D&D! You have all the free time if you arent going to do your work at least!”
But nothing, i just lay there.
Plus, if you look back, look at how many broken promises ive made. Without going into to much detail, i sit on a throne of lies and broken promises. I always talk about the value of your word and honesty but honestly i lie to myself everyday.
What hurts the most with this, the one thing that hammers a knife into my heart everytime it crosses my mind is my girlfriend, my poor little songbird. I love her like the sun and moon. For the longest time she was the one thing that gave me joy, but even that has been ripped from me. Its no fault of her own, she’s been absolutely, completely wonderful and tries so hard to help me but even that source of joy does nothing for my aching heart anymore. And, that hurts, because with every-day i feel a wedge growing between us, being hammered in by every unspoken word when we’re together, every conversation ended prematurely because i dont have the energy to continue, every missed phone-call because im sleeping at 4 in the afternoon. And im so scared we’re going to grow to resent each-other. She deserves better then my emotionally numb self, and, while i dont want to be without her there’s a part of me that hopes she finds someone better, someone who can care for her better then me, that can be there for her instead of lying in bed at the ceiling. I wont hold a bit of resentment for her if she does. She deserves the world, and im not the man who can give it to her.
Maybe it says something about me that i cant say this directly to those who need to hear it from me, and am instead of writing it on Tumblr where they might stumble upon it. But, there’s one title i can say for sure about myself. Im a coward, im so scared of speaking my mind, and maybe thats what ties into it all, but, regardless.
Im sorry, to everyone, Seb, Vlad, Nick, Cole, and especially you Jay. You all deserve a better friend then me. Im not gonna sit here and say im gonna change, as little energy as i have anymore thats just unlikely, but i can say i’ll try. Cause i doubt you want to see me like this, and i certainly dont want to live my life like this. What im doing is existing, not living.
And, i’ll reiterate this, im not suicidal. Before anyone gets worried, no-one is going to be getting that phone call. I’ll make it through this, one way or another. I just, had to say some things, i might make another post later, but right now im tired again.
#depression#Tw death mention#mental health#mental illness#energy#im so tired#i love you all#self-improvement
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