My mind puffs up like those big white mushrooms while my lungs puff in the smoke. The fingers, constricted by their only faith and love, stretch out. The theorizing and analysing mind plagued by the heat of thermodynamics and exothermic reactions is now cooled by the saviour, the stories and metaphors. It knows where it's call is but what do you do when you're torn between want and need? Between the higher ground and your talentless art? You never did chase the peace, you're not going to start now. But maybe 30 years down the road, if it all does go pear shaped and you're still in your garden of regrets, the only thing left to do would be wishing for peace to be upon the younger you, far away in some distant dimension.

The Playgirl (ft. LOONA's Yves) [Part 2] [Female Reader]

---------------

Hello! I'm back with part 2!

Futa!Yves x Fem Reader, just in case ya forgot.

If you prefer, this is also on AO3 and AFF!

---------------

Yves shows up on time for tutoring, to your surprise.

"Hey baby."

"Don't 'baby' me."

"Sure. Let's start."

"Alright. Open up the textbook. We're starting from the basics. I've printed out some of the prerequisites for this topic, since what you did last time wasn't up to standard due to lack of practice of the basics. Now…"

Yves listens attentively. In fact, things go a bit too smoothly for the both of you. Yves doesn't make any cheeky quip, pull out any pet names, or flirt with anyone that passes by. The womanizing playgirl you knew disappears, and in its place is a focused, dedicated young woman. Sometimes, you even find yourself staring at her work on the problems in front of her. The change is… welcome, to say the least.

Your eyes roam Yves's styled hair, swiped back to expose her forehead, down to her beautiful large eyes, button nose, and full lips.

God, you're gay. Sure, you're literally admiring the beauty of the most insufferable bane of the universe, but you're just so fucking gay and hot people are hot, no matter how irritating they are, so...

When your eyes shift back up, you're met with Yves's smirk.

"See something you like, babe?"

Fuck.

"N-no."

"Liar."

"Fuck off." You rush to change the subject. "How're you doing?"

"I've been done for a while. You would know if you weren't spending the time looking at me."

You refuse to dignify her with a response, checking through the solved problems. With your coaching, Yves manages to get two more questions correct as compared to last time, but she still makes some simple mistakes.

"Okay, here's the issue. In question two…"

---------------

Yves continues to show up for every tutoring session. Somehow, a week passes by, and it is now Friday.

"Good afternoon, babygirl."

"Don't 'babygirl' me. How many times do I have to say it?"

"Mm, whatever. How're you doing?"

"Why do you care?"

Yves pulls out the chair next to you, leaning back on it, resting her legs on the table. She turns to you, grinning.

"Of course I'd care! You're my tutor, and if you don't feel good, you won't be able to teach me properly. If I don't get taught, I won't learn, then I'll fail, and I don't get to win. You know that I always win."

"I'm not sleeping with you."

"That's what you say, but not what you mean."

"Fuck you."

"That's what you'll be doing in five months' time."

"No I won't. Bring out the Calc textbook. We're going through Chapter 4 today."

"Alright, babygirl."

----------------

The change in Yves becomes apparent when she somehow is present earlier than you on Monday morning.

"Yves?"

"Oh, hey babe."

You sigh at the pet name, but having heard her call you that for quite some time now, it doesn't grind your gears as much anymore.

"Don't 'babe' me."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Yves returns her attention to the papers she is working on, and the familiar math problems catch your eye.

"Calc?"

"Yeah. I promised I'll be the best student. Here I am."

"We'll see about that."

"You're looking at it right now." Yves rises from her chair, and in a flash, she has her arm around your waist, her face inches from yours. "I'm going to win, babygirl."

"G-Get off me!" Your face reddens instantly at the close proximity of your lips to hers. Memories of the chaste kiss Yves planted take front and center stage, and you can't help but look away from Yves.

"You're so pretty."

Yves has her gaze locked on your lips, then to your eyes. She is so close, too close, even. Heat flashes all over your body—every touch Yves leaves on you seems to burn.

"I mean it. You're gorgeous."

"T-Thank you."

The smug smirk never leaves Yves's face. She releases you from her smoldering gaze and grip, but she leaves you with a rapidly beating heart and a large distraction for the day to come.

When class begins, Yves tries to take the time to listen to the professor. However, she is soon back to her old ways, flicking paper balls at classmates and being on her phone more than she listens.

"Yves."

"Yeah, baby?" She meets your gaze, her tongue darting out to moisten her dry lips. Her hands carry on working on moulding another tiny paper ball.

"You're not listening."

"I am!"

"What was the last thing the prof said?"

"Um…"

You roll your eyes.

"Best student, my ass."

"I made that promise to you, not to him."

"You won't learn if you don't listen to him either. How're you going to be the best if you can't even do that?"

"Oh, so that's how it is?"

"That's right." You think hard about the words you want to say next, but maybe… maybe it is worth the risk. After all, Yves is still the bane of your existence, but she could be less of that if she keeps up her effort in trying to learn.

"You don't get to fuck me if you're not the best."

You watch as Yves freezes. She stares at you, her jaw hanging, before she steels her gaze to your eyes, staring deep into your soul.

"So this is how you wanna play, babygirl?"

"Yeah." You can feel your bravado slowly disappearing.

"Fine. I'll listen. I'll play by your rules."

Yves leans to your ear, her breath sending shivers down your spine. Her deep whisper makes you shudder.

"You will be mine at the end of the year, baby. I promise you: I'll ace my exams, and you'll love me for it."

Perhaps provoking your seatmate wasn't the best idea. Now you have to deal with the deep flush on your face and neck, as well as the heat between your legs.

---------------

A month passes.

Every week, the same things go by—tutoring, classes, more tutoring, more classes. However, what changes is how close you and Yves get with each other. By no means were the both of you friends, but she isn't as much of a thorn in your side anymore.

[yves💘 sent a message:]

Baby

I need a bit more help with the math from the last chapter.

Can I see you this weekend?

Saturday, 10am, Seoul U entrance?

[You sent a message:]

Sure.

I'll see you.

[yves💘 sent a message:]

Good.

Dress nicely, baby. It's a date.

[You sent a message:]

Fuck off.

You groan when Yves manages to charm you through text. Outfit ideas are already flowing through your head, and you sink your face into the comfort of your palms. Why do you even care about looking pretty for Yves?⁶

Well… that genuine grin she flashed after a muffled gasp of surprise when you wore a dress once in the past month was gorgeous on her. That was why.

You remember Yves actually having the slightest hint of a blush when looking at you, and she seemed to be a little less flirty that day, opting to take short glances at you when she thought you weren't watching. This newfound attention was… welcome. You couldn't deny feeling shy having Yves check you out. After all, you were just the nerd girl in class, and having this attention from a hot girl you could consider a crush not as much of a pain in your ass felt so good.

-----

Saturday arrives, and here you are, waiting outside Seoul University.

You choose to keep things simple: just a simple button-down dress with daisies printed on the fabric. Your hair is tied up in a cute bun. The pink backpack you carry completes the look, with a nice pair of flats.

The sun isn't too bright, and a cool breeze keeps you comfortable while waiting. You can't help but get nervous, though you know it is irrational to feel so. After all, this is just another study session. However, Yves's text to you earlier in the week keeps flashing across your eyes.

'Dress nicely, baby. It's a date.'

You know this is just a study session. However, a part of you dimly wishes that it isn't, before you hurriedly bash those thoughts with a hammer and then set them on fire.

The revving of a motorbike catches your attention before it zooms down the road. You can see the bike move across the lanes, then slowing to a stop in front of you. The rider, clad in all black leather, complete with jacket and boots, seems to freeze in front of you, before slowly drawing the helmet off their head.

"Hey, babygirl."

Yves grins at you, her eyes sweeping over your body. Her gaze lands on your legs, moving up to your torso, your chest, and then to your eyes and hair.

The next words she mutters are meant to be kept to herself, but you hear her anyway.

"Fuck, you're gorgeous."

Your heart takes off, pounding against your chest. You try to hide the flush on your face by staring at the ground, but you field a gaze to Yves, who looks a bit like a deer caught in headlights. She looks so handsome, so cool, and downright fucking hot at the same time.

Hmm… What would it feel like being pinned under her again?

The intrusive thought you have gets stamped out instantly, but the effect lingers—you can't help but check Yves out, feeling a rush of heat deep within your loins.

Her agreement with you was starting to look more and more appealing. Maybe you do have to teach her well.

"Get on."

"What?"

"Let's go. I gotta park the bike, and the cafe isn't close by. Get on."

Yves hands you a spare black helmet, and you hesitantly take it.

"Don't kill me."

"I won't." She grins. "I like you too much to think about doing that."

Your breath catches in your throat. It's not uncharacteristic of her to say things like that so easily, but maybe… just maybe… you want her to mean it.

You get onto the bike as Yves holds it steady. You don't know where to put your hands, but Yves grabs your arms, pulling them to wrap around her waist.

"Hold on tight, babygirl."

"Okay." You can't believe what's happening right now.

"I'm gonna go."

The engine revs.

-----

Yves trails behind you as both of you make your way to the cafe. Yves is quiet along the way, unlike her usual flirting if she caught you staring at her. When you glance back to her, you see her eyes dart away from you, staring at the floor as she swipes her hair back.

Weird.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Never been better, baby." Her reply is unconvincing, especially with a forced grin, but you don't want to really push her for a reply.

"Er… Okay. Sure."

Both of you make your way into the cafe, stopping by the counter to grab the menu. When you sit down at a table, Yves sits across you, her eyes locked onto you as you peruse your options.

"You're staring a lot today, Yves."

"Oh, um, er…" She looks away, her voice soft. This is very unlike her.

"Are you really okay?"

"Yeah, baby. I'm feelin' great, ready to learn, and get good." She leans back, resting her hands on the armrests of her chair.

Oh.

She has a crop top on.

Oh my fucking God, she has abs.

You short circuit.

Two columns of defined muscle greet your eyes, as if to mock you. It wasn't like she was someone you didn't find hot. Now, you have to find out that she also has abs?!

Your mouth dries instantly, and you grab your bottle, taking a swig. The cool liquid quenches your physical thirst, but your mental thirst…

"Don't look too much, babygirl. You might get hypnotized."

Yves tilts your chin up with a finger, moving to lean close to your face.

"My eyes are up here."

Holy fucking shit, she's so fucking hot.

You wonder how you didn't notice them when she had that fishnet and crop top combo. Maybe her pants covered them, maybe you were blinded in your dislike for her. Whatever, you've seen them now. No reason to stop… respectfully staring, especially when you can.

"Look at me."

You meet Yves's smoldering gaze.

"Keep your eyes up here, babygirl." Her warm breath against your lips makes you yearn to lean in and close the gap. "I don't want them anywhere else when they're so beautiful."

You whimper involuntarily, and Yves chuckles.

"You're so fucking pretty, you know that?"

The shame that burns when you squeak and break your gaze to hide in the pretense of reading the menu is something you don't want to admit that you feel coursing through your veins, but it's there. When you lower the menu, Yves has her chin in her palm, her head tilted to the left, a satisfied grin on her features.

"I mean it, baby. You look really pretty today."

"T-Thank you."

"You're welcome. Let's order, I'm starving."

"Okay."

"Oh." Yves leans towards you, lowering the menu to stare into your eyes once more. "You'll get to see what you want to see when I ace the exams. Be patient, babe."

You groan.

-----

That night, you toss and turn on the bed incessantly. Every time you close your eyes, you can feel hot breath across your lips, smell the scent emanating off Yves, and sense her burning gaze on you. Yves's handsome features are burnt deep into your head, and just the thought of her sends your heart pounding and temperature rising.

You think of her abs under her clothes, the defined muscle jumping out to your eyes. She already looks so good, so delicious, and yet, things only go up from here.

The rush of heat between your legs doesn't help things.

You turn again, ignoring your basest desires. Bedtime it is.

Good Girl, Bad Boy (Pt. 04 of 15)

Pairing: Billy Hargrove X Reader

Word count: 2.6 K

Summary: You're the extreme opposite of Billy Hargrove. The good girl, with perfect grades, the child every mother wants to have. And you don't want to have nothing to do with his kind. Ignoring Billy – and his constant, lingering stare – became an habit. But after you're put together for a special school program, you'll have no choice but to get along with him. And soon enough you'll find out that Billy is so much more than just Hawkins' bad boy.

<-Previous part (03)

Next part (05)->

{Stranger Things Masterlist}

{Dacre Montgomery Masterlist}

×

At Her Mercy

“Which one?” You whisper to Billy, finger tapping right above question number 7 on your test. You've been studying for this Math exam for two weeks, and Billy is going well so far. Not perfect, but he's getting better.

“17... or -53...” He mumbles, eyebrows furrowed as he stares at the paper. But it doesn't last much until he looks up at you. “Will you be mad if I say I have no idea?”

“Shhh.” Someone says, and Billy rolls his eyes. There are only three pairs in class, formed by those in the Improvement Program. The rest is doing it by themselves. But, out of the three pairs, you're the only ones talking this much.

“Think a little.” You encourage him.

“I'm trying.”

“You're not trying, you're just staring at me.” Crossing your arms, you raise an eyebrow. “Do the calculation again.”

Sighing, Billy goes on with the task, getting the same result. The wrong one. “It's 17.”

“We went over this like ten times.” Laying an arm on his shoulder, you take the pencil from his hand, correcting everything he did wrong. “See? That's how you do it.”

“Guess I wasn't paying attention.” He mumbles as you mark the right answer, -39.

“C'mon, B. You have to focus, you know it.”

“Not my fault you're so distracting.” Billy sounds a little angry, but when you look at him, you find that smug smirk you like. Because you do like it, despite telling yourself not to.

These last few weeks have been... Hard. Complicated at least. Billy is so different from everything you've heard. Girls use to complain about his aggressive break ups, angry words and mean name-calling. But with you... He never raised his voice at you, only when you're joking around, and he was never rude. Not even once. Maybe he knows what you can bring to the table. You are helping him get over with Senior year without having to redo it.

You try not to think about these things.

You try not to think about how handsome he is. Or how his voice is so nice. You're smarter than that. You're too smart to fall in love with the bad boy. It never ends well.

“Me? Distracting?”

“Are you two done? Because if you are, please hand over the test and you'll be free to finish your conversation outside.” Mr Harris says, and you roll your eyes at the same time Billy does.

With a forced smile, you get up, walking to his desk, and putting the paper down. “Sorry, Mr Harris.” You mutter before heading out. “We have forty minutes until the next period.” Letting your hair fall from the ponytail, you run your fingers through it.

“Let's hang out in my car until then.”

“Oh...” Stopping by some lockers, you bite your lip. “Maybe we shouldn't...”

“We'll just talk, I promise.” Billy places a hand over his heart, stepping closer. “With so many exams we barely have time to talk about something not related to school.”

Taking a deep breath, you nod. Billy has been a... Gentleman towards you, as much as the word sounds odd when applied to the heartbreaker of Hawkings. But you have to admit he never tried anything.

So you quickly make your way to his Camaro. Trying not to give it much thought, you open the passenger seat and get in. You've never been in his car, so you can't help but give a quick look around. It smells like him. That's freaking obvious, but now it got you thinking. Billy uses this cologne every day, and the scent is amazing.

You're thinking way too much about Billy Hargrove.

“So...” He starts once he's settled on the driver's seat. “We could skip class.”

“Over my dead body.” You exclaim, turning towards him and folding one leg underneath you.

“Jesus, I'm joking.” With an overdramatic eye roll, Billy looks through the windshield, both hands on the wheel.

“You like driving, don't you?” There's an idea in your head. You could reach out your hand and touch him. Just a friendly touch in the arm. Or the shoulder. But you have no idea where it comes from.

Billy turns to look at you again, his eyes, beautifully blue, making you gasp a little. “Cars are freedom.” He says, a small smile crossing his lips. “You're pissed off here, you just have to turn on the engine and drive the hell away.” There's a different weight in his voice, something you never heard before. He sounds... Hurt. You don't know much about Billy's life, so you have no idea what he's feeling. What made him change so suddenly.

“B... I want you to know that you can talk to me, alright?” Speaking in a low voice, you touch his shoulder. “I know we're... As different as we could be, but if I can help with anything else than school work, I will.” Squeezing his shoulder a bit, you give him a small smile. It clicks suddenly that you don't want to see him hurt. “We're friends now, B. And that means I'll stand by you... Unless you wanna do something stupid like skipping class.”

Billy couldn't take his eyes off her. We're friends. Her words bring joy to his heart, but he knows he wants more. He wants so much more.

(Y/N) has no idea of the darkest part of his life, but somehow she saw right through his walls. There's an impulse inside him to just let it out. Tell her about Neil, his bastard father who he wants to see burn in hell. If she only knew she has been the brightest part of his days. The brightest part of his life.

Her daisy keychain stays on his nightstand, so he can easily reach it when he's about to explode. When bitter tears, full of hate, roll down his cheeks.

“Just testing your goodness, pretty girl.” He answers the girl who doesn't know about any of his thoughts, running faster than a plane. About the war happening inside his chest.

“Stop calling me that, B.” (Y/N) pleads, her voice a little lower. Billy swears he feels his heart beating a little faster when she calls him 'B'. It's so damn cute, and feeling this way makes him feel so stupid. Billy Hargrove is a man who knows how to control his feelings.

But when it comes to her, he fails.

“Why?” He inquires, leaning a little closer to her. (Y/N)'s cheeks are a beautiful shade of red, and she looks down, biting her lower lip. It's a habit of hers, whenever she doesn't know what to say. It's adorable.

“Makes me feel funny, that's all.”

God, he's such an idiot. No girl should be so charming, no girl should ever make him feel this way. He swore to himself he'd always have the last word, that he'd always set the pace, have his way with women.

But here he is, basically on his knees, even if figuratively, at her mercy. If she knew the power she has over him, she'd order him around and he'd follow.

This makes Billy feel weak, vulnerable. But in his heart, he's happy it's (Y/N) who makes him feel this way.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I'm not pretty, Billy.” She says, and the words are so absurd he can't help by laugh. “I mean, I'm... Pretty, yes. But nothing compared to the girls you hang out with.”

“I already told you, but it's my pleasure to repeat it.” Billy has to let her know. He'd say it over and over, every day if that's what she needs to believe it. “You're the prettiest girl in Hawkins. Actually, you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen.”

“You're just being nice and I appreciate it, B.” (Y/N) leans closer, a hand still on his shoulder as the other holds his bicep. “But you don't need to–”

“I mean it.” Looking at her from this up close almost makes him lose his mind. Her scent is inebriating, and he has to control himself not to stare at her peach pink lips. He bets her lipgloss tastes like strawberry or something, but he knows for sure her lips taste far better. “You're not only pretty, you're gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. I–” He's a loss of words, forcing himself to look away from those shining eyes before they make him mad. “Trust me. As you said, we're friends. And I don't lie to my friends.” Well, that was a lie. “I mean, I do. But I won't ever lie to you.”

There is was, his whole heart pulled off his chest and left completely exposed. He never intended to say these things, but he wanted her to know.

He needed her to know.

You're blushing hard now, probably looking like a tomato. Why is Billy saying these things? Does he really mean it?

“Thanks, B.” It feels like he does. And a smile slowly takes over your lips. Before overthinking, you push yourself up a little, leaning over him to place a quick kiss on his cheek.

“You're welcome.”

The rest of the minutes go by fast, and soon enough you're leaving the car, walking back to school.

“Billy!” A feminine voice calls, and both of you slow down. It's Stacy, and she comes running from around the corner. “I was looking for you.” She smiles, walking over Billy and grabbing his arm. “I'm free tonight. And you look like you need some time away from studying with this one.” Rolling her eyes, Stacy gives you a disgusting stare.

“Not interested.” He mutters, pushing the girl off his arm.

“Why not?” She whines.

“Because I rather study all day long than spend any more time with you.” Billy's voice is harsh, and before you can say anything to ease the tension, he pulls you with him, heading to the classroom.

You don't get what just happened, but Stacy is furious. Walking next to Billy, you try to put the pieces together. He's probably just tired of her already and has his eyes set on someone else. “B.” You softly call, holding his arm and making him stop. There are some people in the hall, moving towards the next class. “If you need a break, it's alright.”

“What do you mean?” He steps closer, a little too close for your taste, and you have to raise your head to look into his eyes. Gorgeous blue eyes.

“If you need a free night to go out with a girl or your friends, it's alright.” You've been studying every day after school since the program began, and even though the weekends are always free, you get that he might need some of the week days to do something he likes. “And you are improving, so... It's alright.”

Billy takes a deep breath, lips curling into a beautiful smile. “I'll let you know when I need a break.” Then, he just starts walking again, and you roll your eyes before starting to follow him. “Oh, by the way, if my grades improve, will I be kicked out of the program?”

“Sorry, but no. The Improvement Program will remain until the end of the school year.” You're not sure why you feel a little sad to hear this, but it's only natural. Not everyone has to enjoy studying. “So you're stuck with me until then.”

“Good. Or else I'd have to make sure my grades wouldn't go too high.” He says as you enter the classroom, giving you a look.

Giggling, you nod, biting yot lip. “Oh, of course.” Taking a seat on the front roll, you playfully elbow him. “Because you'd totally do that.”

“Didn't I just said? I won't lie to you, (Y/N).” You were going to snap back, but the tone of his voice is so serious that you're left speechless, eyes locked on his.

You're both staring at each other, in silence, and for a moment you forget you're in a classroom, with dozens of people who are probably looking. So you avert your eyes, lower lip secure in between your teeth, a hand nervously playing with your hair. “Today's class is important, so...”

“I'll be paying attention, pretty girl, don't worry.” He says the last part right in your ear, which makes you move uncomfortably in your chair.

Thankfully, it doesn't take much until the teacher starts talking, and now you have something else to focus on.

When the period is over, you part ways with Billy in the parking lot. You came with Nancy, so you'll ask her to drop you off. It doesn't make much sense since Billy is going there too, and despite him offering to take you, something inside you makes you refuse. Being around Billy is bringing some weird feelings to the surface, things you never felt before. And you rather put as much distance as you can, without ruining the friendship, of course.

“Nan? What happened?” You ask when you see her stepping out of the car, a little pissed.

“It won't start.” Slamming the door shut, she rolls her eyes. “And I gave Jonathan a ride so we'll need to join Steve's collective ride.” Steve always drives the kids home now, which means his car is always full. “I'm sure he'll kick someone out for us, c'mon.” She gestures at where his car is parked, but you shake your head.

“No need. I can ask Billy to drive me.”

“I thought you had a rule of not letting him take you home? Something about Billy making you nervous.” Raising an eyebrow, Nancy crosses her arms. You shouldn't give her even more reasons to tease you, but when you need advice, it's her you seek.

And in the last couple of weeks, the main talk has been Billy.

“Yeah, but that's silly. We're going to the same place.” Shrugging your shoulders, you start walking backward. “I'll call if...” If what? shaking your head to get any thoughts away, you sigh. “I'll call, Nan. Bye.”

“Have fun. But don't do anything stupid.”

“As if you didn't know me.” Turning around, you walk fast to Billy's car. But he's not going anywhere. He's just sitting there, eyes already on you. “Hey, B.”

“Did you forget anything?”

“No. I just need a ride home. Nancy's car is broken and...” Your voice fades as he stands up, walking around the car. “Is that a yes or a no?”

There's no answer. There's just Billy opening the passenger door. You stand there, once again completely imprisoned by his eyes. They're like magnets, stealing your attention, a power they have even though the distance.

When it gets clear Billy won't say anything, you move, making your way around the car and settling down on the passenger's seat. Billy pushes the door close, returning to his place.

“What?” He finally speaks, starting the car.

“Nothing.” Giving him a look, you can't hold back the smile. “Let's go. We have a lot to do today.”

“As you wish.”

There is a lot to go over today, but on the way to your place, you have an idea. Billy is doing well, and it would be nice to do something different.

But you wait until he enters your street before speaking. “B, where are we going?” You innocently ask, holding back a smile at how confused he is.

“Mmm... Your place?”

“Absolutely not.” As you speak, he pulls over. “We need a break. Both of us. So take me somewhere nice.”

He giggles, a hand hanging out the window. “Where to, pretty girl?”

“It's your call. Where do you want to go?”

Billy doesn't say anything. He just stares at you with a breathtaking smile before starting the car again and driving away.

×

@multific @clockworkballerina @tina1938 @graciehams @moatsnow @all-the-stars-on-your-skin @captain039 @rebelemilu @vivian-likes-frogs

the reasons I quit

Well, the title sounds like utube clickbait lol. I just wanna write down everything right here because it feels like I can't hold it anymore in my mind also... in my heart. And yeah my writting contains broken english, idc, i'll correct it someday.

I know there is a hard time through our lifes without single warning, it also happened to me. Back to a year ago--I was graduated from high school and decided to go to college, my dream was to be an engineer or probably an Architect. I thought it was cool but nah it was not what I think at the time. Because the big salary thats what I thought, I know it depends on our position in the company. All I want is to earn money as soon as possible, so I can help my dumbass relatives wherever are they.

My dad has stable finance compared to other relatives if i could say, dad has a little company that he built by mommy and himself. If you study about business you will know that company debt has a cycle itself, even though we have paid the debt, next we will buy other needs for a company where we cannot pay in full. It happens every month. Literally dad is a medical supplier, as a supplier the hospital doesn't order the equipment everyday.

There is a time I failed in every exams I took. Obviously I felt sad at the time, but who should I blame the failure to? Ofcourse it's me. Just why.. I always fail. Then, in August I forced myself to regist on private college which isn't too high in cost, but the major itself... what will I be if I was still there. I know I'm so understimate something around me, but I just can not deal with something that I never see. It's a department that the employment opportunities has little %.

In the end I applied my form to them without knowing what's my motive is. That so sad, what I meant was... I must study on something that I don't like (read: I hate myself for being so stupid). It contains maths, elementer, kalkulus, matrix math. And finally the end of semester came, I got a 4.00 GPA at the first semester. IM CHOCKED. Well it was the beginning of my misery. I got a perfect score but I still don't know what to do in the future, what will I be, because I want to work as soon as possible like I said at the first place. This major will be perfect for someone who wants to be a lecturer or maybe a scientist, that's what i don't want. Because for me--be a scientist takes our time more longer rather than an employee, yes, I just wanna be an employee, got some bucks for assets and then make my own company, thats all what I want, wealth really changes me T_T

That's so sad when you hear your aunt doesnt have enough money for pay her children education, thats so sad when your uncle is a homeless and jobless even now I don't know where is he, thats so sad when my parents arguing on debts, thats so sad when your big family has standard finance or probably under averange than myself. And also when my brother applied his form to get a job but he failed again and again because he lost to someone who did nepotism on company, he is an engineering diploma that we know it's so hard to get job rather than administrator or accountant (perhaps). Thats so sad when you see your relative lives in a small hovel. Thats really break my heart as fuck. Dad always helps them but they do not value dad's presence:(

So... I burried all of my dreams, and looking for something that can leads me to work asap. I left my current college and said to my daddy I can't handle the subjects anymore but honestly I can survive if I want. I also felt guilt after spent so many cost on my college life back then. But I need to move on, and start to study from zero, I started to study about Soshum last January. I hope I can be accepted in one of soshum major. I really hope on it...

One thing, I feel guilty because being born as a loser, mom, dad, im sorry I'm kinda burden for you. Spent your money for my education but I ended up here like a snail and still struggle. If I can wish something I don't want to be born so I don't trouble you two anymore, Im so sad when I can eavesdropping on your conversation about finance. I'm such an ungrateful child, I'm really sorry God, mom, dad. I'm just so mess inside:(

That's why I left from my current major, it doesn't because I can't handle it, but I want to get a job easily in the future so I can help our relatives, pay some debts, buy some stuff without looking at the price tag. You'll think--there is a company who doesn't look at our degree, yeah, exactly, I know that. In the end this is the path that I take.

May, 2019

Grace & Ali

Sad, sad times

Grace: Please don't start drama but I do have something to tell you Grace: hopefully you'll be happy about it but I know dad won't be so I'm doing it here Grace: Not sorry mum Grace: Anyway the news is that you're gonna be a 👵 again! So exciting Grace: 👼💙💜 Ali: Hold up for one second Ali: How do you know? Have you been to the Drs? You didn't need to do that alone, Grace Grace: I took a couple of tests no need to hold my hand through that mum Ali: Those tests are less certain than that birth control we got you on for a reason Ali: Don't be taking the result as gospel yet Ali: And have you thought about this, properly? You don't even know this boy, so who knows what help he'd be if any, and you're nowhere near done with School, what about all your plans? How does a baby fit in with them? Grace: I'm not stupid, I've got loads of symptoms like Grace: yeah but I don't need him anyway it'll only be a bonus if he stays Grace: You managed so can I Ali: Okay, well, we'll get you an emergency appointment today, you have to deal with these things head-on Ali: It isn't a bonus, Grace, if a child is made by two people, it needs both of those people on its team, needs to know they care Ali: You know that, its all well and good to say otherwise, and ultimately, its your choice, but pretending no one else is involved or will have an effect is stupid, and you aren't repeating my mistakes Ali: Not to mention, our situations were different, we're different people, you have to do what is right for you, now, and you really need to think about what you're going to want a year from now, 18, 'cos its your whole life changed forever Grace: She wasn't a mistake, mum Grace: and neither is my baby Grace: I'm just saying if he's not happy about this, I am and I'll have plenty of people around to help me if he won't Grace: So don't be mad at me, okay? I need you to talk down round Ali: I'm not saying she was Ali: but she was undeniably a very unhappy little girl and I wouldn't wish the guilt I feel for my part in it on anyone, least of all you, any of my children, okay? Ali: You know you have both our support no matter what Ali: But, give yourself time to think about this properly, okay? Ali: You know you rushed things with Harry Grace: Did you say all this to Billie or does she get a free pass for being across the pond? Grace: Maybe it's just me because you don't think I can do this. Well fine Grace: I can and will. You'll see mum Ali: Hey now, of course I did, your different people in different situations but I still told her what she needed to hear, too Ali: What are you trying to prove, Grace, and to who? Ali: A child isn't a test, a chance to say fuck you to the world and everyone in it, you can't do that, it's not fair Grace: It's not fair that you're treating me like I'm 6 either Grace: I know you don't like Harry, but you should have a bit more of an idea about me by now Grace: If you can't be happy for me then don't but don't try and tell me what to do Ali: You're not acting like an adult at all right now, so don't expect me to treat you like one Ali: No one is trying to tell you what to do, Grace Ali: I'm telling you its your decision and you have to make it alone, and that's a terrifying and exciting prospect to a 16 year old all at once but if you can't handle the idea of doing that with a little bit of thought behind it then I don't know what to tell you Grace: I already have thought about it Grace: I wouldn't be telling you yet if I hadn't Ali: Okay, good. Ali: So, how are you going to provide childcare whilst you finish School? How are you going to afford the roughly 10 grand in the first year alone? Are you taking time off for the first 6 months, at least? How are you going to catch up? Ali: Talk to me Grace: I'll just leave school I'm rubbish at it anyway Ali: You are not Ali: but okay, what are you going to do for your career then? You can't get on the beauty course without at least seeing out this year and next Grace: I'll do my exams and stuff later if needs be Grace: It's not like I was going to get the beauty place so Grace: might as well have a rethink now instead of then Ali: Why not? Its vocational, you've got the talent most girls are going on that course to learn already, even if you don't get your 3Cs, which you're well on target for anyway, you can do your English and Maths alongside your course, they'll help you get them Ali: You just need to get the qualification out the way, then you can set up your own business if you want, but would you let someone without the certificate touch your face or hair? Ali: If you're having this baby, you need the money now, not later Grace: get over it, I am Grace: I'll just become a mummy blogger or whatever that's a skill I do have Ali: Don't be childish Ali: You might not want to tell me, whatever; but this is the sort of stuff you need to be sorted before the baby comes, end of Ali: How long do you need to do that before you've got your audience large enough for adsense? Which is pennies, you need to attract sponsors to really earn, for that you need to know how to negotiate, write and give proposals...then all that money comes in a chunk, you have to save wisely, budget Ali: Its a lottery, love, not impossible but not guaranteed Ali: You need guarantees in place Grace: excuse me for not having the next 40 years set in stone Grace: not like you and dad did so chill please Ali: No, no excuses Grace, they won't cut it Ali: We both knew what we wanted to do before any of you were born, and we were putting those plans into action Ali: Not only do you need this all set out and into motion, you'll have to do extra you didn't expect, didn't want to Ali: Begging favours left and right, working extra jobs on the side that you have no interest in but it covers the costs Ali: Its the hardest thing you'll ever do, and trust me, its a damn sight harder when the father doesn't pull his weight Grace: yeah well I didn't plan to have this baby and I haven't even told Harry yet Grace: Not sorry for not having everything figured out the second I got the result Ali: No, Grace, you ARE planning to have this baby Ali: you're doing it now, this is what I'm trying to tell you Ali: None of my pregnancies were 'planned', so few people's are Ali: but when you find out, you have to hit the ground running, the plan is being made, don't get swept up in panic or excitement or whatever emotion you're feeling, you can't afford to Ali: Are you going to tell him? Grace: Obviously, but like you said, I have to go to the doctor's first Grace: even if I know he'll want it confirmed Grace: want to know it's his too probably Ali: That's probably the best idea, yeah, got you in @5, okay? You can go in alone, if that's what you want Ali: Or if you want to bring one of your sisters, a friend, instead Ali: Well, I can't say anything on that, can I? I can see the merits but insulting, I'm sure Grace: I'll go on my own Mia's got a driving lesson so Grace: it's chill that's just what lads are like, esp when you haven't been coupled up long Ali: Is it? Ali: Chill, I mean Grace: yeah Grace: he's not used to keeping girls around before me that's all Grace: none at his school are loyal like Ali: I can see why Ali: Hardly inspires it, does he Grace: None of you know him well enough to be shady thanks Ali: Neither do you, Grace Ali: Come off it Grace: Don't start, mum Grace: I know enough Ali: I wish that were true Ali: but its yours to find out if you're not up for listening, can't blame you, I rarely did Grace: okay Grace: are you gonna tell dad? Ali: If you want me to Grace: Only if you make sure none of the others are around Ali: Of course, you can tell them all in your own time Grace: thanks Ali: No problem Ali: Anything else you need? Grace: No I'm fine Ali: Love you sweetheart Grace: Love you too 💜 Grace: No need to drag dad into my drama if you haven't already Grace: correct it to fake news otherwise Ali: Oh Grace, I'm so sorry Ali: Are you alright? Grace: yeah obviously Grace: not cut out for it anyway so Ali: Don't say that, I certainly didn't, you'll be a cracking mum one day Ali: Just not your time right now Grace: might as well've no need to backtrack now mum it's fine Grace: Not gonna be my time ever but there's always the beauty course for you to be buzzing about Ali: Don't put words in my mouth, especially not such nasty ones, that wasn't what I was saying at all, you know that Ali: What are you saying, Gracie? Grace: just what I said, you'll have to get your grandkids from the others Grace: plenty of us though so Ali: Hold on Ali: What did the Dr tell you? Grace: She said not only am I not having a baby now I can't have them. Ever Ali: Darling...I'm so sorry, that is, a lot for you to have to process now, too much Ali: And there's nothing I can say to make it better but where are you? You should come Home Grace: I'm fine where I am Grace: I'd rather be on my own anyway Ali: Okay but I don't think you should be Ali: Are you with Mia? Ali: Harry? Grace: No Grace: they'd only want to know what's up Ali: Of course... and you don't have to tell anyone, but I'm glad you told me. You shouldn't have to shoulder this alone, you don't need to, please come find me when you're ready Grace: No need mum I'm fine and like you said, there's nothing you can say Ali: I know Ali: But we can be there, we are Ali: When you're ready Grace: The doctor handled it I've got more info than I wanna read thanks Ali: I'm not going to lecture you, God, what kind of monster do you- Ali: The Doctor isn't your family Ali: I'd be a shittier Mum than I am if I didn't let it be known, even though that's all I've got to offer Grace: You've had loads of kids and could have more tomorrow if you wanted so excuse me if I don't come crying to you about something you'll never understand Grace: None of you can help me with this Ali: I know Ali: I know we can't Ali: Won't stop us trying, though, I'm sorry Grace: Save it for someone else's drama Grace: I don't need it Ali: I wish with everything I could give you what you need but I can't Ali: I just can't Ali: Stay safe, okay? Grace: I'm sure I already radiate enough saddo vibes to keep everyone at a safe distance Grace: is it okay if I stay at Mia's? Ali: That isn't true Ali: Of course, I'm glad you can have a friend around you, take as long as you need Grace: thanks, I'll come and get some of my stuff later but I can't deal with Janis thinking I'm moping because Harry dumped me or whatever Ali: Okay darling Ali: I get it Ali: She would be there if she knew, you know Ali: but you don't have to tell anyone Grace: she's a bitch mum Grace: and she hates me so like no way Ali: She doesn't hate you, not really, you just have your differences Grace: 🙄 I'll believe her instead of you thanks since she tells me enough Ali: We all say things we don't mean Ali: Especially when we're angry Grace: 🙄 Grace: anything else cringey you wanna add Ali: You know its true Ali: I love you so bloody much Ali: How's that? Grace: 💗 Grace: thanks for not telling anyone Grace: Mia's mum is always gossiping with her friends about everything Grace: I'd die if anyone found out about any of this Ali: Well, we'll both thank our lucky stars I'm not anything like Mia's Mum then, ay? Ali: It is nothing to be ashamed of, okay? Don't you ever think that, its okay to be heartbroken or furious at the world, God and me and everyone else who takes it for granted but don't you be ever ashamed, there's nothing wrong with you and there's a million ways to be a mum if that's what you decide you want still Ali: But you don't owe anyone an explanation, either Ali: I'll tell Dad, yeah? But that's as far as it goes Grace: I'm scared though and not just because the pharmacy woman is gossipy af Grace: The doctor was saying all this horrible stuff Ali: I know, well, I think I do...but we can talk it over when you come Home, or I'll come meet you for coffee in town or whatever and we can go through it all together Ali: Those leaflets are a bit scaremongery, but they have to be, cover their bases, I promise we will sort this so you don't have to be afraid of it and get you any help you might need Grace: Can you meet me soon? I don't think I can face Mia and not talk about this until I've talked about it Grace: Stupid I know but Ali: Not at all Ali: I'll come right now, we can sit in the car, have fish and chips if you like Grace: Thanks mum, sorry I was such a bitch before Ali: Nah, not at all, I don't need to be cringe and tell you we all say things when we're scared too, do I? Grace: 😂 Grace: You were right about me rushing the baby thing, I was, I just wanted it so much Ali: I know sweetheart, I know Ali: and I have been there, I really wasn't trying to be a hypocritical cow about it Ali: One day, I promise Grace: I know I shouldn't have pinned my hopes on it but everyone else has something Grace: I don't and I can't even mess everything up the same as the rest of you Ali: You're 16, Gracie, you don't have to even fake having it together like you would if you were having a baby right now Ali: and a terrible thing happened to us all Ali: the others are struggling too, doesn't downgrade or touch on your own, and I'm not saying it to act like it should Ali: but you really aren't alone in being not okay right now, not at all Ali: as much as it might pain me, its the truth of it Grace: I wish we could all go back and do it over Ali: Me too Ali: but, we can't, we've got to find a way to push through or we'll all be stuck Ali: none of us want that, do we? she wouldn't want it for us either Grace: but I don't know how to talk to any of the others anymore, especially Janis Grace: I miss them Grace: We used to tell each other everything Ali: Me either...I don't think Janis wants to be talked to anymore, not by anyone, all we can do is be there waiting when she does. I know it hurts. Ali: I know you do Ali: We all miss each other Ali: We got blown apart, but I have to believe we'll find our way back one day Ali: I know we all want to, I really do know that Grace: I keep thinking if I sit here long enough of my own, Edie'll pop up like she used to do Grace: She never came to me but, maybe this time because it's all so unfair already Grace: So stupid Ali: You can try talking to her, if you like Ali: One of the only alright things about it, you can get her to appear whenever you like Ali: if you're stupid then I'm absolutely daft Grace: She'd get it I think how I feel Ali: I reckon she would too Ali: She was a lot wiser than she let on Ali: Than people gave credit for Grace: Yeah Grace: Do I have to tell Harry any of this? ugh Grace: about me I mean, not how messed up the rest of us are Ali: No Ali: he's got no need to know, its none of his business unless you wanted the emotional support, that's the only reason Grace: But what if it changes everything he wasn't here to get with a 👵 Ali: If it changes anything he's a piece of shit Ali: not to mention, he didn't even know he was about to be a daddy so I don't think its a dream dashed for him Grace: yeah but all these side effects like, might as well be dating nan Grace: ugh I hate this Ali: I think nan's got enough boy drama with granddad, still, like Ali: Its shit, really shit but manageable Ali: You're stronger than this, millions of girls live with it and its not stopping them living to the fullest, so like fuck it will you Ali: Do you want me to sly ask Ro? See if she has any Doctor know-how, no more leaflets required Grace: She won't let it slip to anyone will she? Ali: Nah, 'course not Ali: Confidentiality, she'd never break her oath #goodytwoshoes Ali: and I'm pretty creative, I've asked her much stranger questions than this before now Grace: cool Grace: ask her then Grace: It was hard to take it all in earlier Ali: It would be Ali: Nothing prepares you but Drs are notoriously bad at even trying, like Ali: Right, now leaving work, where do you want me to pick you up from? Grace: I'll meet you there, anywhere but the CG obvs Grace: I wanna walk Ali: Cool, I'll text you when I'm here 💚 Grace: Love you 💜 Ali: Love you too