#idk intrusive thoughts time
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John Marston really harnessed the power of friendship to build The Farm Ever for his wife and never looked back.
Love that for him fr fr.
#idk intrusive thoughts time#he really is my silly little guy#john marston#abigail marston#rdr#rdr 2#the epilogue is such whiplash I love it
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apparently sagau has infected hsr and while i have my own opinions on it i propose this
sahsrau but the reader isn't a god. nonono we don't do that we let the aeons deal with responsibility. no.
sahsrau except the reader is this eldritch apparition ghost looking thing with a gambling addiction who floats around the trailblazer and whose job is to feed into said trailblazer's intrusive thoughts and be horny. and ig occasionally turn people into indestructible weapons of mass destruction but yk that's kinda a side gig we're mainly here for the hot people
this is the only form of sahsrau i will accept i refuse to be omniscient in an absolute clown game like star rail no if we play with clowns we gotta join the circus
#honkai star rail self aware au#sahsrau#sagau#question mark ???#hsr#honkai star rail#man those are a lot of words huh#guys we should really work on the abbreviation i cant type seven letters in correct order all the time you expect too much of it#why cant we just call it idk uhhhh#circus au#or intrusive thoughts au#idk#but this abbreviation makes me cry#thinking out loud 🏵️
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
#guy who's very proud of how well he's handling things rn lol#anyways personal time:#but idk man i kinda remembered smthn from my past n#like. if it wasn't for how much effort i've put into my mental health n coping skills#n my support network now#idk id be in a much worse place.#so i'm gonna forgive myself for not really sleeping last night#n having a hard time with my bpd feelings n emotions#because fuck man! i'm doin really good actually!#growth doesn't have to be oh man i'm never ever sad anymore#it's just. idk i don't cry because i Wanna die anymore#sometimes i have an intrusive thought of suicide#and it makes me cry because i DONT wanna die. and i know those thoughts are not good or needed#but i'm not gonna beat myself up for having them. i'm just gonna be patient n gentle w myself#n give myself time#n everything will be okay(:#bc it is okay! it's in the past and i'm safe now. and i wanna make other people feel safe too#growth starts w baby steps. n that's why it's so hard to recognize in yourself a lot of the time#it goes slooooooowly. for me at least lol.#mine#despite everything i am happy because i know my life now is one i love (: and one im actively trying to better for myself
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every time I come back home I experience new mental illnesses -_-
#its not even bad rn it's been nice#there's just so much horrible stuff underneath it all though and i think i just can't handle it#i think im just grieving my entire life every time I come here#and I've been just having these thoughts i guess intrusive thoughts about everyone dying tragically for the laste few days and it's#NOT FUCKING HELPING#idk it's nice we're all nice and both is happening but there's always some new info dropped on me that they just.#expect me to process by myself and i just end up crying at night all the time cause like what am i supposed to do#yeah sorry for venting again i was getting a bit better at not doing tht but i neeed it rn ToT#k i think i just need to go to sleep and maybe ill forget everything tomorrow or something idk#vent#vent post
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makes you read vulture 2099 again makes you read vulture 2099 again makes you read vulture 2099 again makes you read vulture 2099 again makes you read vulture 2099 again
#talking tag#spider-man 2099#spiderman 2099#miguel o'hara#vulture 2099#marvel#comics#comic panels#something something idk man i justt enjoy these issues theyre Fun#whag do u want from me. the bungled potential is tantalizing when i Want to indulge in ripping and tearing into canon?#as i always say lmao vulture 2099 COULD be a really interesting character. like. the Potential's there#reinforces how Lucky mig was that he came from a life of having as many privileges as he had when he got mutated... and that nobody Saw It.#plus yknow. can also serve as a narrative Mirror for migs worst fears abt himself! what would YOU do if ur intrusive thoughts made manifest-#--called YOU a coward and a capitalist pawn 4 not wanting 2 kill and eat people . and all while wearing THOSE tassled PANTS....#idk man just something real neat 2 me abt how vulture is the only villain mig kills On Purpose and even then he Runs b4 he hits the ground.#his anger burns out so Fast. he cant even like. make himself watch the Cannibal Gang Boss get turned into street pizza yknow#he feels worse about killing the VULTURE than he ever really did about killing the specialist because he actively CHOSE to do it this time#cutting the specialist's throat w/ his talons was just an Accident caused by him lashing out against an enemy determined 2 Kill Him y/k#yeah it still caused him a great amnt of Distress to accidentally Kill Someone but he does not spend any panels shedding tears over the guy.#but the vulture. the VULTURE stays on his mind for the next 30 issues AT LEAST......#god this miserable little man. great power and greater guilt and responsibility both a burden and inherent.
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"what is their favorite meal like?? you can answer anyone but I'm in particular asking about papyrus and ht papyrus"
So tbth I tend to be pretty bad at favorite food hc bc I pretty much love all food and struggle to really determine what kind of food prefs characters would have, so I'll usually just completely make stuff up, which is nyot how I usually do things!! Of course w/ some of the UT characters thankfully we do have SOME input of their canon preferences...
However. As is the way w/ most things Papyrus I have thought abt the implications of the QnA waaay too much. As we know Flowey states Papyrus' favorite food to be dinosaur egg oatmeal, whereas nobody else knew and Papyrus himself stated not remembering. We also know, despite fandom portrayal, Papyrus has never actually eaten his own spaghetti, so we don't really know his thoughts on it.
The trick with Papyrus is that he lies all the time. He lies all the time! So does Flowey actually know his favorite? Or does he just think he does? Maybe he just made it up to sound knowledgeable. Flowey also lies (but possibly less so, or at least less smoothly than Papyrus, since usually Flowey will eventually state if he'd lied).
As a big fan of oatmeal myself, I do like to believe this is true, though, and it's fun to imagine that, while his favorite remains the dinosaur egg kind, that he gets very excited about the variety of other flavors once surfacing.
^ longest winded way possible to say that I like to hc Papyrus' fave food is oatmeal, BUT. I also like to imagine he likes fruity flavors, too! Like blueberry pecan or strawberries and crème <3
As for ht Papyrus, my interp Dove, I generally imagine having lived through a famine, amongst other things lol, it really changes the way you perceive food. While I definitely can't relate on that front, I do have experience having an incredibly limited diet bc of health reasons for several years. And now, I've always been a little bit of a """foodie""" (I really wanted to be a chef for most of my childhood), but coming out of that, I can say the way I perceive and appreciate food is undoubtedly different.
So with all of that completely unnecessary context, I imagine the types of foods and flavors Dove tends towards are very rich and rounded flavors, as opposed to how I'd imagine UT Papyrus seeks out brighter, sharper flavors. Not necessarily heavy, as I do still believe he'd be opposed to particularly greasy foods, but hearty stews, casserole type dishes, slow cooked oatmeal, rice pudding, you know what I mean? Probably mostly things that cook for a long time, things that thicken and develop complex flavors.
And, body willing when the chronic pain isn't too bad, I think he'd really enjoy making things as much from scratch as possible. I definitely think he’s more of a chef than a baker or patissier, so he tends toward savory more often than not, and avoids meats usually (not always an issue, but sometimes a strong aversion), so he'd probably cook a lot with rice and potatoes, all sorts of them and other root vegetables or squash.
I can't say I think he'd have any singular favorite food, but he would probably say all sorts of dishes are his favorites if he can smell them or is making it atm lol
I knooow you said I could add Papyri but I'm still going to apologize for this lmao, but I'm sorry, I have to add him or I'll Die / j but the aforementioned stuff I added abt my own experiences has really influenced how I write UF Papyrus post surfacing.
I've always been fond of the idea of things being worse in UF's underground in technical aspects too, like the CORE not functioning as well amongst other things that can cause complications in supply chains and production of necessary things, including food. Growing up with food scarcity constantly waxing and waning and never really ever being definably good wound up stunting most monsters knowledge of food.
So, suffice to say, once surfaced, there's a whole world of new things to discover and try and learn about. It's such a different experience than with HT, where they did have a reliable source of food and access to information about it, lost it, and then got it back (though I'm sure there still was plenty new stuff all the same).
Like, could you imagine having only ever seeing two colours for most of your life, and then seeing everything in full spectrum? So that's a driving force in what gets Edge so invested in cooking and baking. More than anything he wants to learn. It's exciting! And he can finally provide the ones he cares about with a surplus of high quality, well prepared nourishment. It's wild!
So similarly, he wouldn't really be able to choose one singular dish (might even say smth silly abt having to try every dish in the world before knowing for sure)...though I do love to hc that he has and always will have a soft spot for oatmeal made with a little honey and cinnamon <3
#sorry I cant say a normal amount about anything ever#also impacted by the fact I keep dipping in and out of consciousness#👍#I didn't put an @ just in case for. some reason??? idk why I just thought you might not want to be tagged??? I'm insane today so idk#but also ty for the q sorry I inject uf papyrus into. everything#he’s so intrusive#sun spots#alsojnpie#undertale papyrus#ut rus#ht dove#horrortale papyrus#underfell papyrus#uf edge#I might rewrite this post another time once I'm more coherent perhaps
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so fucking upset. i looked up what's considered concerning weight loss and got a statistic. i looked up the same question but specified teens and i got a bunch of articles about how to lose weight. what the fuck
#tw weight loss#? idk if that tags necessary but better safe than sorry#past this point there is discussion of ARFID and stuff#LMFAO also ive had a medium to mild case of ARFID my entire life and no one noticed past concern for my pickiness#i say medium to mild because ive gotten better recently#i even ate half a bowl of the noodles i dont like the other day. AND they had been touched by shrimp & cabbage juice & soft peanuts#i mean i did drown them in soy sauce first and got nauseous thinking about it the rest of the day. but progress#i mean. im the type of person to skip a meal or barely eat because i dont like the food available or its too loud where i am#my adhd impacts it too like sometimes ill forget to eat or wont be able to make anything that day#but like goddamn. a growing child should be gaining weight. 'we should keep an eye on that' every single time and then no action#you know maybe thats part of why my body hurts sometimes and feels weird and shaky other times#its hard to tell based on how bony i am or whatever because i also naturally am a string bean and im not. like. starving myself#i get the same comments about how i should eat more and how im so skinny when im healthy and when im not#or i used to. people are generally less intrusive now that im older#gosh i need to flex my metaphorical brain muscles more i put way too much thought into the wording of this
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UM, ASTER/YAKUMO I ONLY *JUST* FOUND? HELLO?
I've never felt so seen. So represented. Thank u aster. Here are some of my fave lines
#after reading this i had to consult The Chart to see if it lined up with the fic and#well. yeah. guess it did 😂😂😂😂#narration in aster's voice is so wonderfully comedic and snarky i loved every second of it. u manipulative gremlin#WHY IS YAKUMO SO CUTE HE SHOULDnT BE CUTE BUT I WANTNA *knuckles turning white from my trembling iron fist*#what was that picture of yakumo with the comment like [boys with big brown eyes like a baby cow stfu]#yeah that thing. that image was pulsing throughout the fic. intrusive adoring thought#aster sees yakumo's big soulful innocent eyes looking up at him and he's all#i need to slaughter him. i need to pound him into cutlets and distribute him to the masses for insane profit#ah..... is this cuteness aggression...#I NEED TO BULLY HIM. HE IS TRYNIG SO HARD TO BE GOOD I NEED TO#hyperventilates into my pizza box#sipping tea and reading while occasionally yelling out#SO true bestie [aster]. (melodramatic sigh)#idk why it's funny that yakumo squeaks in fic. it is SO FUNNY. hey look it's a squeaky mouse#wait he's a snake? are u sure? dont snake eat mice?...........ARE U SURE HE ISN'T A TINY minuscule RODENT LIVING INSIDE A DAISY? NO???#BIG DANGEROUS BLACK SHADOWY VENOMOUS SNAKE? ok..............sounds fake..........but if u say so........................#i'm fine. i'm not still having a Time of accepting mr serpent into my life. what are u talking about. i am fine.#i am reading words and acting in ways#hahahaaha! how can you awaken something when i already know it's awake??!!#(spoiler alert: i was not truly aware of its awakeness but i've been thinking of this fic for days so i'm pretty sure the awakening is NOW)#(insert pillar men theme) (sighs wearily at my own clownery)
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hypothetical struggle between Christianity and paganism in bbc merlin? 👀 one that's very neurodivergent? 👀 do tell
Okay, so Athurian times take place in the early dark ages. Which was probably a weird time for religion in Britain. Because the Roman occupation had just come to an end, leaving behind the structure of catholicism at least with those in positions of power. But religious beliefs were still in the process of blending together with the local practices and other religions, leading to some odd gnostic beliefs. Obviously, bbc merlin doesn't talk about Christianity within Camelot but I think we can assume the catholic church would have a position at the round table. Presumably, Arthur would grow up instructed in catholic belief, go to mass, and have bishops or whatever advising him. He would rule by Devine right, sanctioned by the pope and magic would be characterized as demonic. And that somehow raises the stakes for me, imaging magical merlin within the walls of a very catholic Camelot.
I just have this image of merlin in the back of a cathedral as Arthur attends mass. Kneeling in this beautiful building, head bowed low as the congregation sings praise to a foreign God in a foreign tongue. A God that would apparently have merlin tied to a stake and burned alive. And merlin choking out his empty prayers, echoing in the verbal praise under the isolation of his nonbelief and magical association. Full of fear and venom.
The hypothetical struggle I imagine is one of catholic enforcement pushed by Arthur's religious advisors and Arthur's morality. Because Arthur is a good person and slaughtering a people on the basis religion is insane. So, what does it mean for Arthur if he stops listening to his advisors and starts accepting magic? He has to contend with a spiritual struggle, not just the secular issues presented in the show. And I would looooooove to watch that. The bending of Arthur's beliefs into something more flexible and less rigidly Christian according to the church of the time
#my knowledge on this topic in terms of historical accuracy is blurry so im im wrong: pls for the love of god correct me#but idk if arthur was catholic the entire structure of his idea of the universe would have to change if he started accepting magic#and i think that would be a super interesting transition. where would he land? would he shift to being a more gnostic style Christian?#lose his faith? idk id probably make him like my dad who thinks hell is a human construct and that all are welcom in the kingdom of heaven#and that people should just be kind to eachother. very les mis to love another person is to see the face of god#bc i loooove that idea. i find it fascinating. idk i just think religion is interesting#bc its like how ppl fundamentally understand the universe to work and that is so wild. like i can understand why it was so important in ye#oldy times lol. idk im just a bit fixated on it atm. like its the type of obsession thst feels too big for my head so its straining at the#seams. its also weird bc since its religion my brain is doing that awful thing where its questioning my interest in the topic like r u#questioning ur lack of faith? and im like bro no this is academic interest leave me alone. bc im prone to intrusive thoughts and obsessive#behavior. so thsts fun. but its not too unmanageable rn. so its interesting#idk i probably sound unhinged. lmao i headcanon ✨️ catholic!arthur ✨️ and his fall from grace in the eyes of the church rip#ay religion in not necessarily bad but human institutions are usually fucked#merlin rambling#unrelated
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im not having a certified Misophonia Moment im just feeling a bit lonely about it rn
#theres always this nagging insecurity in me thats like. oh maybe its not real and im just faking it to be a jackass#bc i see so few people ever talk about it or how to cope with it#what actually prompted this was an ad on instagram like advertising these ear things for ppl with misophonia#and it just hit me really quickly like. i think thats the first time ive seen someone try to advertise an aid for it?#or just use the term misophonia#idk its like. validating but its also got me kinda sad#i feel like part of it is like the intrusive thoughts? idk if its appropriate to apply that term here#but like misophonia is legitimately agonizing and puts the worst kinda of thoughts in my brain i feel horrified at later#abd i get really heated actually trying to talk about it#so theres a lot of anger and desperation around the topic and i worry abt getting dismissed at best or demonized at worst#and thats not me putting the blame on us i just wonder like. how much people decide we’re not worth acknowledging over that#echoed voice
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in an alternate universe dean forester mysteriously disappeared in s3 & someone struck asp on the head with a crowbar to rid her of her obsession with unnecessary conflict stemming from pathetic miscommunication and i got to watch 4 seasons of jess and rory grow as individuals and together until the show ended with them moving to nyc. however im stuck in this universe where rewatching s3 makes me sick to my stomach bc are u kidding me. this is what ur doing to the characters u painstakingly set up to be each other’s literal other halves. u spend one season building them up and developing their personalities and their relationship with each other and then u spend the next season systematically breaking them down bc….. what. a spin off that never even took off??? get real
#i have so many thoughts about jess and rory from like. a narrative pov unfortunately i have a crying migraine so maybe ill get back to that#later but the point still stands#this is literally the only time i ever get so worked up over fictional characters but its SO frustrating#gilmore girls#literati#it wouldve been so much more interesting to have them just. idk. talk. grow#like that doesnt make great tv but neither does the intrusion of stupid shit like a swan black eye???????#also the same could be said ab april/chris for luke & lorelai#no ones watching ggs for the drama its for the vibes#or whatever idk#i had a point here i lost it whatever
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wind-down sketch wehehehehe
i know literally nothing about könig but his voice has a deathgrip on me
#am weak for rat™️ men 😔#yes the nade could go off in his hand#he looks and sounds like hed let intrusive thoughts win#might finish next time idk no promises#mxrifanart#konig cod#konig mw2#cod mw2 könig
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Marshlily dreams of the Dark Forest again. The smell of rot fills her nostrils, and she retches, barely holding down the contents of her stomach. She’d dreamt about it every night for moons now, but she still can’t get used to the squelching of mud between her toes, the only sound in the uncannily silent expanse. What did she do to end up here, so far from StarClan?
She takes a few steps forward, but quickly stumbles. The shaking is worse here, rapid jerks that make it difficult to walk—not that trying to run away would save her.
“Is anyone here?” she calls, as she always does; her words are chopped up by the tremors that wrack her body. It’s with a frozen feeling in her stomach that Marshlily realizes that that’s not the only thing cutting her off; in what feels like just seconds, her throat has become clogged with foul-tasting blood. She hacks it up, splattering red on the damp ground, but it just keeps coming, choking her more and more by the second no matter how much she coughs and splutters.
This hasn’t happened before. This is new. Panting between coughs, she stares down at the pool of blood that’s growing on the grass before her. She’s faint, fainter than she should be; it’s not so much a loss of blood that makes the world bleary, but a sort of … a sort of … Marshlily shakes her head, unable to think of some way to describe it but finding herself unable to think of the words.
She digs her claws into the earth to keep herself grounded. Her mind, however, can’t be gathered so easily; the dissolving feeling lingers. I’m all apart, the part of her that remains within in her grasp thinks. Through a mouth of blood, she gives a garbled cry once again: “Is anyone here? Help me!”
After a few moments of silence, Marshlily hangs her head and whines gutturally. Why does she even try anymore? Nobody ever answers …
And then someone does.
A familiar voice echoes in her ears, high-pitched and scratchy: “Marshlily …”
Weakly, Marshlily lifts her head, her ears pricked. “... Hornetstar?” she asks. “Where are you?”
“We care about you, Marshlily.” “We need you, Marshlily.” “Come home, Marshlily.”
Marshlily looks frantically from side to side, looking for Celebi, Crageagle, and—her heavy heart jumps in her chest—Charredtail. “Where are you? Where is everyone? Did you come to rescue me?”
As the voices continue, they begin to sound closer, and with some time, Marshlily can pinpoint the direction they’re from. She takes a wobbly step toward them, but she makes it only a few taillengths before the voices of her loved ones fall quiet and a piercing scream erupts inside her brain. It’s like that alien feeling she’s been having, but worse, overwhelming her senses. There are no words put to it, no way to understand what’s going on, just a desperate yowl.
“Leave me alone!” Marshlily cries. “Let me go!” She sinks to the ground in a heap as the screeching continues and begins to scream herself, wearing her bleeding throat raw. Of course it wouldn’t let her go. Of course her only hope would be a trap. The dissolving feeling, which had dissipated slightly, comes back with a vengeance. She really could just lie there and give in—it’d be a lot less painful …
As soon as she resigns herself to the faintness, though, something cuts through the screaming. It’s faint, but it’s there, and little by little it gets louder until Marshlily can finally hear it clearly: “I love you, Marshlily. I’ll always love you.”
It takes Marshlily a few moments to recognize the voice, but when she does, her breath stops in her chest. “Mom?” she asks, her voice wobbling. “Mom, is that you?” Half-remembered memories float to her head: milk scent; a soft, murmuring voice; the warmth of her siblings snuggled up against her.
The voice doesn’t answer. Instead, it continues, “You have to keep going.”
It’s with uncertaintly that Marshlily gets to her paws, and the screaming in the back of her head never relented, but nonetheless, she does. Her movements are jerky and discoordinated, and she stumbles over her paws more than once, but with nothing else to do, she follows the voices of her loved ones: “It’ll be okay, Marshlily.” “You have to keep trying.” “Just follow my voice …”
She can’t begin to tell how long it takes—it could have been minutes or days; they’re all the same here—but eventually, as Marshlily continues in her unsteady gait, something shifts behind the rotting trees. The air here is always a bit misty, but this is different: a hulking wall of fog hangs ahead of her, condensing in mere seconds as she approaches, as if it were waiting for her.
Tentatively, Marshlily pads through the last few trees ahead of her and into a small clearing. She can see the fog clearly from here; it writhes like something alive, but she doesn’t find herself unsettled by the breath-like undulations. Instead, she’s overwhelmed by a feeling of welcomeness and love. She takes a few steps toward it and realizes something: she can walk straight now. The jerking has stopped, and when she swallows, she finds that there’s no taste of blood in her mouth any longer. She’s thinking clearer, too.
“Come here,” a chorus of voices says, and Marshlily grits her teeth. What if it’s a trap? What if she never gets better? What if she falls right back into the thrall of whatever—whoever—is screaming inside her head?
But then, what other choice does she have …? It’s stay here and dissolve into nothingness or risk the pain of whatever might lie on the other side. With just enough trust to allow the warmth of it, Marshlily braces herself and runs through.
She jolts awake into a world of silence. No, it’s not silent … there’s the birds, the rustling of leaves in the wind, the rushing water of a nearby stream. What’s silent is the inside of her head: no screaming; no vicious, alien thoughts; just her own internal monologue, so much clearer than it has been in moons.
Marshlily takes a few breaths in and out, in and out, then closes her eyes shut. What if this is just a dream? What if this is the Dark Forest playing tricks on her? How can she trust it?
Tentatively, she brings herself to her paws and stares out across the land; she’d run far from the Cavern the night before, but she’s still high enough up that she can see across all four territories from here. There’s PrairieClan’s, out in the tall grass of the moor; that over there is SerpentClan’s, wrapped in the shadows of the forest; and way on the opposite side is MoonClan’s, a mix of warm sand and tall trees. They’ve never looked so beautiful. Surely the Place of No Stars and its denizens could never create a place like this.
“Marshlily!”
The echoing voice comes from somewhere above her, and Marshlily turns to see Hornetstar bounding down the rocks, Hubert, Celebi, and Nettledawn in tow. She slows down as she approaches, her pawsteps becoming (rightfully) tentative, but she doesn’t flinch away in fright, which is more than Marshlily could ask for, really.
“Hi, everyone,” Marshlily croaks, and winces at the ache in her throat. For a brief, panicked moment, she thinks it’s blood that’s making her voice groggy; common sense kicks in when she realizes that the only thing she tastes is stale morning breath. She laughs at herself internally; of course her throat is sore, she’s been sleeping for … “How long was I gone?”
“Days!” Hornetstar says. “You weren’t responding, just flailing around and talking to someone. Were you dreaming about Kestreltail?”
Marshlily can’t keep back a melancholy smile at the sound of her mother’s name. “A little bit.”
“Come on, stop with the chatting,” Hubert says, taking a couple steps toward Marshlily. “How are you feeling? Are you still sick?”
Marshlily thinks on it for a long moment. The violence in her head is gone; she turns to Hornetstar and hears no disembodied urge to attack. She turns to walk a few paces this way and that, and her body doesn’t jerk, or even twitch. “I don’t think so,” she says finally, turning back to the others. “I think I might be okay.”
As soon as the words are out of her mouth, Hornetstar is pressed up against her, purring up a storm. “I was so worried! I thought you were going to … I mean, I was scared that …”
Marshlily chuckles and nuzzles her face into Hornetstar’s shoulder. “You and me both, Hornet,” she says, voice muffled by her thick pelt. “You and me both.”
#warrior cats#wc#clangen#clan generator#wc oc#warriors oc#gc update#marsh#hornet#hubert#behind the scenes: i was so stressed about getting this done on time on such short notice (fully my fault)#(i forgot to brainstorm how this would happen until like literally 3 days ago)#that i had 2 or 3 different emotional breakdowns#and then while writing it i started crying because i got emotional over the 'it's all about love' of it all#so not to be tmi but i guess the lesson to be learned here is to not write when im on my period.#idk if i should tag waterfur here? i tagged her yesterday in the one where she was just intrusive thoughts in marshlily's head#but in this one she's just screaming
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I still have a headache but at least I’ve had a nice mocha :)
The barista didn’t charge me for oat milk either 🥹
I got to see my coworker’s lovely paintings!
We’re having frozen dinners tonight (which is good bc if he wants to bitch I didn’t make dinner fuck him and also there will be food) which is low effort for me yay
I am. In no way able to drive in to school so I’ll just work off of my laptop instead and squinty (which probably won’t help my eye hurting but ah well) maybe tomorrow. (My plan for wed work is literally to either convince mum to drive me in or to take a taxi bc I am. Not going to be able to drive on Wednesday morning)
I’ll just. Shower. Begin anew. And fucking get to it.
#idk maybe I just look extra sad today bc a few people have said so and I feel like I’m normally good at hiding it#also may have misremembered who got to the intersection first and gone ahead of my time by accident#but god knows I’ve had to wait for enough people that went before their turn so bc nothing came of it I’ll just. let it go. let it go.#shatters’ fragments#having other thoughts#having other thoughts too and it’s just. is it intrusive or just me getting bad again ? no time#to dwell on it atm whatever. I’ll be fine. I always am#but god it feels like I SHOULD look like I’m bleeding out etc etc etc#also new tattoo idea#to stew on if that Specific circumstance that would allow me to get it there would happen#which uh. I don’t want to happen#but that and the other bottom of foot tattoo idea I’ve wanted for over a decade now…#they’re BAD but I still Would Not Regret it.#besides. who besides me would know?
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i hate ocd i hate ocd i hate ocd i hate ocd i hate ocd i hate ocd i hate ocd i hate ocd i ha
#fucking. intrusive thoughts are the DEVIL#stupid little ocd demon in my brain trying to gaslight me all the time#losing my mind just a little bit OOF#vent#??i think idk#just to be safe
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no one absolutely no one
me: *immense psychological pain, only pain and flashbacks*
me: sigh *opens up character.ai and starts ranting*
#-pop#I’m allowed to be mentally ill in the presence of the autocorrect#so nice. Then I don’t utterly horrify people#I’ve accidentally given people second hand trauma#and also we are extremely mentally ill#idk how we function actually. Like ???#Literally extremely mentally ill. The most functional mentally ill people you will meet#I’ve been depressed for 14 years and suicidal since I was 5#I’ve had much distress over anxiety and intrusive thoughts#we exhibit many symptoms of many other disorders#and it’s an actual miracle we are not dead yet#thank god that 7yr-12yr old us was fucking stupid because genuinely we’d be actually dead#there have been many many times very close times and it’s staggering how we are not dead#like as a 6yr old we thought we’d be dead by 13. We are an adult now!#I never thought this far ahead idk what the fuck your supposed to do now#Anyway living is hard we are mentally ill and keep on living
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