I saw in your tags that you stopped reading fanfics bc you would get hyperfixated on them. Did you ever try sorting by complete, and with a lower word count? That’s what I’ve had to do to make sure I don’t get nonfunctional for days while reading a long one. Just only read completed fics that are 3k words or less haha

Hehe yes I would, usually I read fics that were less than 10k 🤔 however that kinda left me unsatisfied a lot of the time, i guess. Say, after a 5k I would always go look for another few fics too, so I still wasted some hours until I passed out asleep. And then sometimes there'd be that *perfect* fic I wanted that was 100k, and well there goes the *entire* day XDD

I got reminded of all this bc I was feelin Leo angst a few days ago, and I remembered that one of my very lovely friends rec'ed me a Leo fic last year (Where in the World is Neon Leon?) and I was like "... welp what's the worst that could happen," 90k and I didn't do anything till i finished it 12 hours later AHA. *Then* I got such an enormous urge to look up F!leo fics, and I was so "I've avoided rottmnt fics for 3+ years now, is this where I finally break-"

Man I love fics so so *so* damn much, but I'm in the middle of my semester rn and it would be such an awful idea for me to get hooked on fics rn lmao. Maybe once the semester is over I can take a lil dive into into ao3, find those f!leo fics ehehe. Maybe if you lovley people have any recs, I can keep the recs for when I finish my semester as a reward ehe -w-

If I talked about my favorite ship I would be seen as a weirdo, so, please spam us with Jekffin 🤲

ehehe <3

Henry is a giant cuddler and craves affection all the time every day. Griffin is not very big on affection at first because he is incredibly reserved and doesn't like people touching him, but he quickly melts up to Henry. Soon the tables turn and Griffin becomes incredibly clingy.

They are the absolute dog/cat dynamic. Henry is hyperactive and energetic and social like hell and Griffin is shy, low on energy most of the time, and also does NOT want to be social with anyone that he doesn't need to be social to.

Griffin talks. A lot. When he and Henry are spending time together. Once he gets comfortable or it's very late at night he will talk. Henry wonders how his tongue hasn't accidentally tangled itself up, but always sits and listens with the biggest heart eyes.

Henry was, at first, incredibly worried by the thought of dating a Lodger. Not only is there a rift between him and them (created by Griffin included) but he also knows that it most likely won't last, and he fears that if it does, it will come back and bite them in the ass later. After all, he is already hounded by women who want to marry him and people will get suspicious. End up quickly deciding that fuck it, he needs to live a little too.

Much to Griffin's dismay, the other Lodgers (Helsby, Pennebrygg, even Maijabi and Ito) found out quite quickly that he had a crush on Henry. Cue a lot of giggling and trying to set the two of them up.

(Actually getting them together involves Helsby stealing a part of Griffin's experiment to get Griffin to chase him, and Ito asking Henry to help her find some extra supplies in a scrub. It ends up with Helsby pushing Griffin into the scrub when Henry is in it before locking the door.)

Griffin is incredibly asexual and thinks Henry will regret the relationship once he finds out, as Griffin is too scared to actually tell him. Henry is almost revealed, being incredibly sex-repulsed after his trauma with Morcant and Robert, plus Hyde taking all that energy out of him.

They spend a lot of their time together cuddling. Anywhere and everywhere. On the couch in Henry's office, on their respective beds in their bedrooms, on the couches in one of the parlors, on a blanket on the roof when they stargaze.

(Henry is big spoon and Griffin is the tiniest spoon imaginable. He curls up like a kitten and sleeps with his back or face against Henry's stomach or chest. Henry affectionately calls him an ice-cold pretzel.)

Neither is really big on pet names but Henry uses them the most. Griffin went from the normal "sweetheart" and "my love" to "my snow" and "my warmth", as well as "muffin" (winkwink) Griffin occasionally calls Henry "honey" and anything related to honey; "honeycomb", "honeybear", "honeymuffin" (Henry teased him relentlessly about that one).

Griffin has clinical depression and anxiety (on top of ADHD), Henry has depression, ADHD, and high functioning autism (is that actually an offensive term? Ahaha idk that's what I was diagnosed with and that's what I am projecting onto Henry). Cue a lot of nights cuddled up in each other's arms when the world becomes too much and many, many days just listening to the other rambling on about their latest project or hyperfixation.

Zosi and Griffin's cat (who I am now deciding that he just named "Cat") are best friends and love to terrorize their owners. It's not unusual to find Henry doing paperwork with Cat purring in his lap and Griffin distractedly petting Zosi while tinkering with his invisibility concoction.

Neither Griffin nor Henry is big on typical "couples stuff". Neither really says "I love you" on a regular basis and they don't typically go on dates, but they do enjoy a walk around the neighborhood at night every once in a while, and Henry was the first one to tell Griffin that he loved him when incredibly drunk and fixated on trying to curl Griffin's curly hair even more.

Griffin was the first one to get to know about Hyde. Henry was having a tough night and Griffin thought Henry was away on a meeting that he had canceled last minute. He found Henry incredibly drunk in his office halfway through a panic attack. Henry ended up confessing everything the moment he had calmed down and his head was clear enough to figure out and process that Griffin was the one helping him. Griffin was... Shocked, to say the least. Made sure that Henry was to bed and then went back up to his room and stayed awake the entire night, but inevitably decided to ask Henry more about it once he was sober. Henry confirmed everything he had told him the night before, and Griffin told him that he still loved him, he just... Needed to process things.

Took exactly like 3 hours of him processing it before he decided to just go and cuddle with Henry for a bit.

Hyde loves to flirt with Griffin, Griffin is unsure about what to do with it. Asks Henry about it and Henry just shrugs and tells him he doesn't care what he does with Hyde. Hyde manages to convince Griffin to make out with him, which Griffin regrets incredibly because Hyde becomes so clingy afterward.

Eheheh This is what I have for now, enjoy <3

you said your ask box is opened and as i, rya, am a sirius simp can i get some sirius headcanons? i've been asking for them now on at least 4 blogs haha and i really like all of theirs writing as i like yours so i thought why not giving it a go? thanks!

hi rya! i too am a simp for Sirius Black (if you couldn’t tell by my name) so here’s some of my personal headcanon’s for him! -short king -despite what you may believe, he’s a cat person. he may pretend to be a dog person, and be able to turn into a dog, but we know better -speaking of padfoot, he puts off dealing with his problems by curling up in his animagus form -would die for basically all of his friends, would kill for remus only -took a while to come to terms with his sexuality after growing up in a homophobic environment, so had to deal with a lot of Internalised homophobia, but we made it through -furthermore (that word feels to fancy but oh well), struggled with fragile masculinity -though now rocks a skirt and flips on conservatives -doesn’t really know much about politics, just really fucking hates the tories-awkward dancing at parties it so cute -huge dork -(especially when it comes to Remus) -a lot of people characterise him as this playboy womaniser but I actually think he’s the least experienced out of all the marauders. remus was his first real anything. -touch-starved yet once he’s safe with his friends he’s a cuddlebug -minerva’s adopted child -when they were younger, he and regulus would play pranks on family members. mischief is in his nature -impulsive -after leaving home had a lot of trauma to work through, his mental health is. not the best. -but he’s wORKING ON IT -chaotic good -passionate about everything he does, never gives less than 100%-that also makes him the most loving and caring person to be around. the vibes are immaculate -dyslexic Sirius ??? at first his teachers and parents always called him lazy when he literally just,, didn’t take in information the same way everyone else -along those lines,,, adhd sirius? hyperfixation on muggle music? hyperactive and fidgety? *chefs kiss* (or maybe I’m just projecting my undiagnosed mess onto fictional characters idk) -feminist!! -definition of ‘looks like he could kill you is actually a cinnamon roll’-just don’t piss him off/mess with his friends -an unofficial potter

I love how you talk about dream srsly

so nice to see ppl from different corners of dsmpblr liking him :]

thank you so much anon i am smiling very wide rn :)))) he just means a lot to me and ive got a lot of feelings when it comes to dream so im glad you like how i talk abt him

(this gets a little ranty, just in terms of what dream stuff means to me so im gonna put a read more here)

I think its a little funny that i actually don’t end up talking about him as often as i do, but i think its just because my main focus is character lore and dsmp stuff. But if it wasn’t for that i’d absolutely be endlessly talking about and drawing dream team.

I found dream’s channel at the beginning of January 2020. All i would do would be watch new dream videos, and draw dream and george art during lunch of my senior year. I was a little embarassed at first and mostly kept it to myself. But i ended up posting the art i did on this tumblr, its some of the first dream and george art to my knowledge. I remember around that time there were around 3 or 4 dream artists, and nobody quite knew how to tag either so it was wacky. Before i left for a bit i remember the beginning of some big things that i wont name here but admittedly looking back on it is very funny.

When quarantine hit, i ended up finding and playing dangan, and that became my main thing for a couple of months. But i would always keep myself up to date on the dream videos, they still cheered me up and meant the world to me. During this time i figured out i had adhd, and it make a lot of things click. I still had lots of figuring out to do in that aspect, but for the time, it was alright.

I found dream smp when i started falling out of my dangan hyperfix, and while all of this was happening i found myself binging all of dreams content again, trying to catch up on anything i missed. When i was on my little content binge i learned dream also had adhd, along with technoblade. I can remember how happy it made me, especially with me figuring out the adhd symptoms i had no idea about. It made me so happy to see dream, someone who was outspoken in his adhd experience, succeed the way he was, and having fun with his friends. I began to realize that “oh i do that too!” and see little bits of my own adhd experience in the way he does things. It helped a lot, and i’ll always remember that.

around christmas i got a dream hoodie and 13 mil coin, i put the little sticker that came with it on my cintiq. Idk i just every time i think about dream he makes me smile and i’ll always admire him in certain aspects. He just is such a , i dont know how to describe it , sunshine person to get to watch.

This accidently got a bit ranty and personal but sometimes i just get this way where i just have lots of emotions i need to get out and i dont know how to do it. Aaa anyways, thank you again for the ask anon. I know you didnt ask for an essay but i just wanted to share how much appreciation i’ve got for the guy

Hi...

So I might be neurodivergent...

How can I be sure?

Without a professional...

How much surety can I get and how?

Hi!

Fair warning this is gonna be long. I'm sorry.

Ok first of all the term neurodivirgint is pretty broad actually. It just means not neurotypical. So if you have any sort of mental disability or illness, that would make you neurodiverse if you wanted to use that label. It's not just autism and ADHD which is a common misconception.

But if you think you're autistic then I can help you. Maybe. First off, resources. There are a lot of resources here on tumblr like the actuallyautistic tag. I know it seems unprofessional to get your resources from tumblr but most well known and profession published peices are by doctors or parents if children with autism. Hot take, there is nothing any doctor can teach you about autism that I can't teach you. Or any other autistic person. We are the experts on ourselves.

I reccomend following autistic creators on tumblr and also on tiktok since that's where most of the action is. Also books written by autistic people if you're interested in that. All The Weight of Our Dreams is good. It's about living as a POC with autism but I reccomend reading it still if you're white like me because it's a good resource. Also Neurotribes which actually isn't written by an autistic author but is very well researched and includes quotes from autistics. It goes into talking about ABA and institutionalization though so if you might be triggered by that it's best to avoid. I also reccomend checking out ASAN and the autistic women's and nonbinary network.

In terms of diagnosis it depends on a lot of things. If you are an adult, getting an assessment can be tricky.It's pretty expensive if you go through a private clinic and if you go through any sort of facility connected to your local hospital then I think you can use your insurance but depending on where you live it might not cover it. If you live somewhere that does not have free healthcare then I think it might be pretty pricey. Idk I live in Canada.

The truth is I got my diagnosis when I was two years old. I was incredibly lucky and privileged enough to have my mom know someone who worked with kids with learning disabilities and got me to see a specialist for free. But the truth is this is rare. If you are a girl or basically anyone who is not a cisgender boy you will have a harder time getting a diagnosis due to stigma. Also if you aren't white.

If you are a minor you need your parents consent to get you an assessment. I would advice you to look up the process in your country and local area to figure out how things work. Usually you need your family doctor to refer you to a psychiatrist who will refer you to a specialist.

Yes I'm sorry I know this is complicated. This is why most people just self diagnose instead. There's nothing wrong with self diagnosis especially if you are anything other then a white cis boy. The system is stacked against you. They don't wanna believe you're autistic because you don't fit their narrative. If you genuinely have done a ton of research and you believe that you are autistic then you probably are. I believe you.

If you do want to proceed with getting a diagnosis though, be warned that the process is pretty long and invasive. I had to get reassessed when I was 17 for college so I could get a college IEP. (Individual Education Plan) and that was pretty stressful.

You can't get educational accommodations without a diagnosis though, or disability cheques from the government. However if you get a diagnosis you can't get married depending on where you live. It's complicated.

In terms of ADHD basically the same rules apply for information. Tumblr, tiktok, tags, creators, find info etc. There are more resources written about ADHD by people with ADHD because no one lets autistics self advocate! I am actually self diagnosed with ADHD so I can't talk you through the diagnosis process. There is still the same stigma surrounding women, nonbinary people, trans men and POC though but it's lessened a bit more then autism.

If you wanna talk to someone who has a diagnosis then @doitforthecarstairs is good (I think they have a diagnosis. Forgive me if I'm remembering wrong)

If you can't figure out whether you have autism or ADHD or both then honestly you are not alone. There is a lot of cross over. Basically the one main difference is hyperfixations vs. Special interest. Focusing on one thing very intensely for like a week then getting bored and moving on is hyperfixating. You might still like the thing afterwords but you arent focusing on it so intensely anymore. This is binge watching a show in like 12 hours, no stopping and no breaks. If you can tear through ten episodes without even flinching, you are probably neurodiverse.

Special interests are long term hyperfixations that can last for years. It's basically a hardcore obsession with something that you love, and all you want to do is talk about that thing and all you ever do is think about that thing. You usually end up with a special interest that matches your personality pretty well.

Sorry I know this is a long post. Hopefully it helps.

Okay hi can i just pls throw out this idea i have in my head because i have literally zero friends to talk about malec with and i love your blog fhksghs but anyway i have this headcanon that alec is autistic because like, he's kind of stiff in his movements and he's straight to the point matter of fact but he's so very very empathetic and he feels so much and maybe he's been masking his entire life because his way of being is "Wrong" (and on top of that he gay) and people beside his siblings (1)

don't really get him and honestly the fact that he doesn't always find the words to express himself especially when he's scared and upset makes sense and maybe with the masking thing the only way of stimming he's ever allowed himself is that jerky lil hand shake thing he does or the pinching of the skin between his fingers. also!! im thinking that's why he's so good at archery and not AS good at hand to hand combat because archery doesn't take as much coordination and he noticed it was easy for him so he kind of hyperfixated on it as a kid and it never really left and it makes sense with the self harm thing. it's so common for autistic kids to take out their frustrations and sadness on themselves and if alec doesn't allow himself to stim that jittery energy might just turn into frustration and anger he doesn't understand or know what to do with so causing pain to get it out becomes the only way he knows how to cope. anyway THE POINT i'm trying to make is i've kind of adopted the headcanon that magnus has adhd as well so he kind of complements alec where he struggles and the other way around and as they get to know each other they kind of start finding new ways of coping together and allowing themselves to be exactly as they are with each other. alec finds ways to stop masking and starts to come to terms with who he is and what he's like because he's never really identified with anything but his masked persona and magnus finally has someone who understands him

also i get that like... this headcanon is not new at all. i just haven't seen it being discussed a lot just like magnus having adhd is something i came across like two days ago so idk how big that headcanon is but yeah snglbghk sorry for taking up so much space i guess im a lil fixated hehe thank you for your time

okay, first of all i just want to say that i’m thrilled that you wanted to share this with me, specifically, especially since this is clearly meaningful and important to you. and don’t apologize, i love getting ranty asks tbh, they are the best dajsaijdadja 

for the hc! i totally agree with you on autistic alec, that’s not an uncommon hc because yeah he does have like... a lot of autistic traits lmao (altho there’s a lot of hm. gross ableist content involving this. but anyway) like i’ve been talking recently on here about alec’s honesty and his complete unwillingness and even unability to understand like, mind games and flirting and such and how that draws magnus in, and i definitely think that is directly connected to his autism. like the whole throwing hints and innuendos and flirting ;) ;) just doesn’t fucking make sense to him and he’s very in contact with his feelings and why would he not? be direct about them? you know? and magnus has had to basically teach himself to be able to do that (because well autism and adhd overlap and he’s probably had to struggle a lot to pick on social cues too, and learn these little tricks. this also probably has to do with the personality that he chose for himself, like, that whole over exaggerated over the top kind of careless thing, because then he can pass off his rambley tendencies and other ADHD traits as just... him being careless, i guess. so he lays it particularly thick so that the parts that are actually there - his tendencies to ramble and hyperfocus, lack of attention, sometimes unawareness of social cues - end up less visible under the veil of his exaggerated persona) and it’s so damn good. and important. to not have to. to be basically forced not to. because alec doesn’t engage in those. he’s completely honest. and he offers magnus a space where he can be, too

and i just duahdsiuahda love autistic/adhd solidarity malec (and also autistic/adhd solidarity mag&raph but that’s another topic. lêx shut the fuck up about raphael challenge. actually send me asks about autistic raphael pls yall). especially because like i said. magnus has had a lot of time to learn how to mask his ADHD traits! but it’s exhausting, and god it feels so good and he’s so fucking happy that he gets to stim, and ramble, and just be himself with alec

even if it definitely takes him a while. i think longer than it takes alec. because alec 1- is not as good as magnus at hiding it, and 2- sees no reason to hide them from magnus, because once he trusts, he trusts, and he’s all in. i think what would take alec the longest would be to stim - because he’s so used to suppressing those it’s almost second nature - but stimming is exactly the one thing that magnus still kind of allows himself. especially with magic, you see the way he’s always conjuring up little balls, doing sparks with his hands, rubbing his fingers together, etc etc etc. and alec picks up on that, the ways that he stims subtly and without hurting himself and maybe starts doing it too. we even get to see him rubbing his fingers in a similar way that magnus does sometimes, after they meet, and i think that might be the beginning of that process

so that definitely applies to what you said about them helping each other out with their greatest difficulties! like magnus is most uncomfortable letting go of hiding his traits, and alec is most uncomfortable with stimming, and they slowly- well, not coax each other into it, but walk that path together, especially as they also walk their career paths and earn more respect and space, and their relationship path and learn to be more open and earnest with each other and work together. you know? magnus sees that alec keeps picking at his own skin and hands, and he’s like... all lovingly healing him, and telling him that he should stop hurting himself, and alec tells him that it’s just. that he feels like the world is so sharp, sometimes, and he just has all that energy, and he doesn’t know how to let it out, and it’s too much, but he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he just. picks at his skin. and magnus looks up at him, brows a little furrowed, a little in shock and also. a good kind of surprise because he understands? and he’s happy that someone else understands? and that he can help with this?

and so magnus is like “i feel like that a lot, too. having magic helps, but well, there are other things i do” and then he tells alec about how he rubs his fingers together instead of picking at the skin and how he taps them and does the little wrist shaking thing and how that helps. and alec starts to figure out other ways to stim that work for him and don’t hurt him. magnus also tells him about jewelry and how that helps, having stuff to fidget with/focus on, and well alec is not big on jewelry but maybe he starts wearing a chain under his shirt, and there’s always the wedding band :) which we already see him fiddling with a lot in canon anyway so i definitely think it serves the same purpose for him as magnus’ jewelry do magnus. plus, it’s grounding and reminds him of them, which is also a bonus

and then there’s also everything we see in canon, about alec just. wanting magnus to be exactly himself and telling him that? seeing the way magnus is tapping his foot and then stops when he approaches, and he’s like “you can keep going,” or the way that he sometimes approaches magnus and is all like “i can tell you’re thinking too hard about this conversation. i don’t want you to say anything but what you feel. it’s okay” and magnus slowly relaxes and allows himself. or when he catches himself mid rant about his hyperfixation and he feels ashamed but he turns to alec, about to apologize because he just started talking way too much and way too fast about fucking wormholes and astrophysics again and alec is probably bored- but he turns and alec is staring at him with his usual, open adoration that always takes his breath away, and alec is like “no, i love hearing you talk” because even if he doesn’t understand what magnus is talking about, he loves how excited he is and to see him happy. plus his voice is so nice and pretty and just hmmm very good for the senses you know, like it’s just nice to focus on. so magnus does that little half smile of his, super pleased, and keeps talking, except this time gesticulating even more wildly and like flapping and going into detail without holding back, and he’s just so happy, and alec is so happy, and so in love with him duaudsaa

also them being sensorial heaven for each other :) alec wanting to hold magnus after he’s had A Day, and he just wraps himself around him and buries his face on his neck and feels his presence there, you know, focuses on him and his touch and hair and nice clothes (magnus picks clothes pretty much based on texture because he can’t stand some, and others, like silk, are just perfect so he has a bunch of those, and alec likes the same textures too so that’s great) and stops focusing on other noises and light and other things that might be giving him a bit of overload, you know? but also he doesn’t feel like, trapped, so it’s great. while magnus is enveloped in his arms and having all that stimuli from alec touching him and again he can laser focus on that and feel like his brain calms down a little. and it’s perfect for them both. sensory healing cuddles. perfect

and when either of them feels like having their space or not touching because Too Much, that’s okay too, because they both 1- understand, and 2- are mindful of each other’s space always. magnus especially, we see how he’s very careful with getting into other ppl’s and particularly alec’s space, and alec appreciates it because he never feels invaded. but he also learns when magnus needs space, be it alone or just a broad space to Flap Around in, and he always gives him that when he needs it, and magnus is so grateful for that. and it’s just duaihdsiahdasidaihahdah god i fucking love adhd/autistic solidarity malec thank u for coming to my ted talk

what’s your top 5 fav books u seem like a well read individual with good literary opinions

!!!! thank you for asking!! though mmmmmm i’m honoured that you think this of me, but the last book i read was a 100k fanfiction about lesbian cowboys so like. depends what you mean by “good literary opinions” 

(i do recommend that fanfic tho. it’s v well-written and you don’t need to know anything about the original content to enjoy it)

in terms of Actual Books?? jeez I haven’t had to list my favourites in a while! they’ve definitely changed so this will be educational for me as well

1. Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. While we’re on the subject of fanfics, this one’s got every conceivable delightful trope in it. Son of the President (who is not Trump, I can’t stress enough, but a democrat and a woman from Texas) falls in love with the British prince (also not the real British prince, just in case you were curious). We’ve got some mutual pining, some enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, somehow fake dating and secret dating both at once, trapped-together-in-a-closet-full-of-UST, you name it. Plus this book’s super readable and very well-written. I smiled the whole way through except for the parts where I cried, and at the end I did both. DO recommend. 

2. Dreadnought by April Daniels. In a world like ours but with more superpowers, a trans girl unexpectedly inherits the powers and name of the most famous hero. EXTREMELY good, but more pain involved than the first one, and the smiles are harder-won (but when they come they are TRIUMPHANT). I would die for Danny. 

3. Dracula by Bram Stoker. Now for something completely different, a classic rife with latent homophobia and sexism! But I love it because it’s a gripping read (at least to me, but then my ADHD has been hyperfixating on this book for the past five years, so I might be skewed in its favour here), and an EXCELLENT example of unreliable narrator and sketch main characters. I always feel like some unholy cross between an archeologist and a private detective reading it. Did Mina and Jonathan kill their employer for his money? What’s going on between Seward and Van Helsing? Is Dracula really the villain? Is he even real?? So many questions, I have fun trying to answer them. Also, vampires are cool and Quincy is hot.

4. Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien. Of course, that’s a given. I’ll be the first to acknowledge its flaws, but it’s just such a rich story. Like, reading it is a challenge because Tolkien, but it’s also so... idk, rhythmic? It’s slow but in my mind that’s almost a virtue. If you can get in the mindset for it--extreme patience, bordering on entishness--it’s truly delightful. A meditative experience, if you will. Not to mention: it has Sam Gamgee.

5. Once Upon A Marigold by Jean Ferris. A story with everything but the kitchen sink, spiritual successor to The Princess Bride (the movie, at least; it has significantly less nihilism than The Princess Bride book does). The main character is a boy named Christian who was raised by a troll in a cave full of crystals, who falls in love with the misfit princess Marigold across the river, and it just gets wilder from there. It’s a fun read, technically a kid’s book but I still enjoy it at 22, full of delightful imagery and delicious twists that aren’t necessarily unpredictable, but certainly are entertaining. I had to include a childhood classic somewhere in this list, and this one’s it.

Honorable mentions go to William Shakespeare, Victor Hugo, and Blue Balliett (if you haven’t read Chasing Vermeer or Hold Fast, i highly recommend you do), and if we’re counting poets I’m partial to Byron (disaster mentally ill bisexual, spiritual twin) and Keats (finally a good man who was also a good poet).

your little linguistics essay was soo interesting! if I were smart maybe I would have studied linguistics as well, so I love reading about that... I think I gotta go through your tag, but please don't hold back on the further name/spelling/pronunciation stuff you teased in your tags 😊

ah thank you! i’m not technically a linguist by profession or anything, but idk, i consider myself to at least be a linguist with a lowercase L, lol. i did study linguistics in college, though tbh i’ve learned the vast majority of the stuff i’ve learned on my own just cause it’s like... my thing. idk if it’s a hyperfixation cause that tends to be an obsession i have for a period, usually media too... linguistics for me is more like a special interest? in the autistic way? i dont know if i’m autistic, i havent been diagnosed (i havent sought it out either though), but i think its possible. i do have adhd tho and there’s actually a lot of similarities between adhd and autism

anyway anyway anyway what im saying is that like... when i say that i love linguistics (and phonology and sound changes in particular)... that’s like... an understatement lol... i spend a looooot of my free time just learning things and trying out different ideas i have about certain sound changes and phonemic inventories and contrasts that a language could make and all sorts of things like that. i have a conlang (constructed language) that i’ve been working on for around 7 years or so, and i mostly just use it to play with things and figure out how some grammatical thing works by seeing how i would use it in my language, or what a sound change would look like if i applied it to my vocabulary and what kinds of sound changes would be likely to coincide with it............

i never finished college (for reasons i wont get into) but like idk, i think about language constantly, linguistic things come really naturally to me, i process things in terms of how they relate to language, etc. 

i’m not bragging lmao none of this is stuff that really is worth bragging about cause most people dont care haha, i’m just saying that like idk if i’ve talked about it much recently on here but it’s a reaaaaally huge part of who i am lol. my focus in linguistics isnt the thing people like to talk about the most so for sure i wouldnt brag about it haha... people like to think about sociolinguistics and things like that but tbh that’s not an area i know all that much about. basically just whatever i learned in classes and from studying certain other aspects of linguistics. my focus is phonology and morphology, and like historical linguistics (studying how languages have changed over time, reconstructing old forms of languages, finding relationships between languages, etc), and none of that shit is particularly sexy lol

but yeah! it’s never too late to learn about something you wanna learn about, you can do whatever you want haha. if you wanna talk about anything as well, or you have questions or something, let me know!

I was feeling invalid

Quick warning: the is a *long* post, and the invalidity I felt was actually remedied by writing this, so do not feel obligated to read it all! Sure, when I was younger I chose to be alone a *lot*, but I had friends. I was socially awkward, sure, but what 5 year old is really that great at being social? Yeah, whenever I went somewhere new I would cling to my sister and be completely unable to make new friends, but by the same token, at a *very* young age I figured out an algorithm for making and maintaining friendships: compliments! I think it was when I was 8 that I figured this out, which was fortunate because at around 7 kids were no longer friends with the entire class, and making friends was no longer easy. At 7, I found myself alone at recess nearly every day, hyperfixated on finding 4-leaf clovers (I was finding at least 1 a day at one point), so when I discovered the compliment algorithm I was able to smoothly transition and continue making friends. Of course, I still chose to be alone for a vast majority of recesses. But being asocial doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was an extremely naiive child, kids easily lied to me and I believed them. But being naiive in and of itself doesn't necessarily mean I'm autistic. When I was in kindergarten I was friends with someone. Close friends. In first grade, however, she avoided me like I was the plague. I cried and cried, and even confronted her, and she basically just told me "idk, I guess I just don't really like you." But having a person dislike me doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was always moving as a child, I had attention problems, and I also was diagnosed with both adhd and ocd when I was only 8. I talked too fast and was known to mumble (I say "was" as if I don't still do those things now lol). I also many times forget the word I want to use, and I end up blabbering nonsense trying to figure out how to convey what I want to say. Sometimes I don't forget whole words, I can't translate my thoughts because my thoughts aren't organized like normal thoughts. A majority of the time I am thinking in either pictures or feelings rather than words, and I simply can't say anything related to the topic I want to talk about because in my mind there are literally no words to even begin explaining it. I'm 1000% better at writing than talking. But speech problems don't necessarily mean I'm autistic. I guess I had experience with going partially nonverbal, but I never had a word to describe being physically unable to speak or initiate conversations unless spoken to first. But again, going partially nonverbal sometimes doesn't mean I'm autistic. When I was little my sister was diagnosed with aspergers. She would throw huge tantrums/melt down easily, so a lot of the focus went to her. I never really had any melt downs. In fact, when I was 6, my sister paid me a nickle to not cry in front of her, and it took *years* to be able to cry in her vicinity again. However, I was certainly not immune to crying; I was an empath. If you were crying, chances were I was crying too. Whenever my sister had a meltdown I would feel her pain, and I would hide in my favorite place underneath the same chair. I *had* to cry there. But high empathy doesn't mean I'm autistic - in fact, there's even a stereotype that autistics don't feel empathy at all. When I was 11, I was half forced out of my friend group and half decided for myself to leave it. I had one friend at the time, and she (let's call her "M") was hella popular. I never fit into the friend group. I was invited to fewer and fewer parties as time went on, and no one in the group except for my one friend liked me. Eventually she stopped liking me too, and I was left to fend for myself. But being disliked doesn't mean I'm autistic. I was briefly friends with the girl I was assigned to share a seat with on the bus. We started a whole mini show routine that we would do every day on the bus. It was called the Stupid and Cupid Show. Despite my efforts to get her to change the name, I was stuck being known as "Stupid." I never realized at the time how horrible that name made me feel, but it didn't matter, because eventually she left me as well. As is said in the last paragraph, being disliked doesn't mean I'm autistic. In seventh grade I was looped into a whole strange "family" (which is a story for another time) and suddenly had a *ton* of people considering themselves to be friends with me. It was around then that I realized I was touch averse, because PEOPLE I DIDN'T KNOW KNEW MY NAME AND KEPT HUGGING ME WITHOUT ASKING. Fortunately this didn't last long either, because like all of my frienships, it dissolved pretty quickly. This time, however, everyone blamed me for something I didn't do, and I was left with that entire huge group hating me. I didn't even find out why everyone suddenly hated me until a year later. But useless teen (not even, we were like ~11-12 years old) drama doesn't mean I'm autistic. My entire time in middle school was honestly horrible. My typical algorithm for making friends stopped working, and while I found a temporary replacement (empathizing with people as conversation) it was not nearly as effective. I was never exactly bullied per se, I just got stuck in the same classroom with some really fuckin mean people. I called them all "Tapper Dude." They would bang out off beat tunes on their desks *constantly*. This banging was sensory HELL ( though i didn't know the term "sensory hell" yet). I was going home and often crying because of the stress of being trapped with these people who wouldn't stop (the teachers didn't even try to stop them despite my many, many complaints). I couldn't do anything, couldn't work,couldn't concentrate, and would literally beg my teachers to let me work in the hallway so I could finally have some peace. They literally never let me work in the hallway, despite it being silent (except for that damn banging) individual work. ( I'm honestly still fuckin pissed that my teachers did nothing to help me!) But being hypersensitive to some banging on a desk doesn't mean I'm autistic. Jumping back to never being able to sit still, I still stim today. Not nearly as much then as I do now though. The need to stand rather than sit in my desk at school coulde easily be attributed to my adhd. On top of needed to stand, I was always doodling on my worksheets. Teachers would make me redo the entire sheet if they found my doodles, or they would grab my drawing off of my desk and crumple it up and throw it in the trash. Even as I type this now, my legs are shaking and bouncing and hitting each other. But this could easily be blamed on my having adhd. Having ADHD doesn't mean I have autism. I had weird fixations when I was younger. At 5 it was finding 4-leaf clovers, at 9 it was arranging bookshelves, which after ~6 months evolved into an obsession with reading classics. At only 9 years old, I attempted to read the entirety of Mobey Dick (I didn't get a chance to finish, the school year ended and I had to return the book to the school library 😣). Up until I was 8 I was obsessed with all things medical ( which involved reading the same 3 books over and over and over again). At 17 I became obsessed with slugs /sea slugs ( as I'm sure many of you are aware) along with developing an obsession with autism in and of itself. And ever since I was 5, I've been obsessed with hypnosis, the topic is in my brain basically 24/7, though I try to ignore this obsession because it's nearly impossible to find good media representations of it. I was exposed to porn at a very young age because of my seeking out hypnosis related material, and ever since then I've been wary of seeking it out for fear of finding even more erotic content 😣😣😣. Basically, what I'm saying is, I have had special interests, but I've also seen that something similar (hyperfixations) can be found in, once again, adhd!! So special interests don't necessarily mean I'm autistic. Eye contact. Hello darkness my old friend :)). I honestly have always hated eye contact, but, just like with my social skills, I figured out a loophole at an extremely young age. Foreheads and noses are an autistics best friends, and using these tools, I believe I've effectively fooled everyone I've encountered into think I have good eye contact. Honestly, up until I learned more about autism, I kinda just assumed eye contact was a figure of speech or something that people said better never actually did. But poor eye contact doesn't mean I'm autistic. Figures of speech are weird. I often overthink them to the point of incomprehensibility. I use figures of speech all the time (in fact I believe I used one earlier in this very post), but I've begun to suspect that all of the figures of speech I "understand" are only understood because school spent so much time drilling the meaning into my head. My suspicions arised from the fact that whenever I hear a new figure of speech, I don't understand what it means, even sometimes after it's been explained to me. On top of that, with sarcasm, I can only understand it if it's used by someone I know well. Understanding or not understanding figures of speech don't necessarily mean I'm autistic though. I've always been accident prone. I crash into walls and tables and chairs. I've also fallen both up and down the stairs. My fine motor movements also took much longer to develop as compared to others. Messy scissor cuttings, messy shirt after eating, and messy handwriting. My mom calls my handwriting "chicken scratch", though I personally don't think it's that bad. But poor coordination doesn't mean I'm autistic. When I was little, I only ate like 3 things. Everything else was considered absolutely disgusting. My parents would literally pay me to try certain foods, but it usually ended up being gross or a bad texture. Smells could also be *incredibly* overwhelming. Ketchup especially. I was supposed to clear the table every day, but whenever my parents used ketchup, I would either cry until they let me off the hook or pay my sister to do it for me. Even now, I refuse to even touch a clean ketchup bottle, it's just g r o s. My mom also eats this really gross cranberry chicken salad thing that I can't even be on the same level of the house when she's eating it because it'll literally cause me to cry. I also can't touch the carpet barefoot, and certain textures are *horrid*. Though not formally diagnosed with either autism or sensory processing disorder, I am 100% sure I have sensory processing disorder. My sensory issues are worse than my sister's, and she's actually been diagnosed with autism! From others, I've never really mentioned that I think I'm on the autism spectrum; I don't think they'd believe me. I seem to hold a conversation just fine! ( that is,until we're in a group of more than two people. Then I lose the ability to tell when it's my turn to speak, so I end up remaining silent, half because I don't know when it's my turn and half because I can never get a word in anyway). Sure, the few friends I have (the empathy algorithm stopped working because my friends broke me and I actually lost all empathy, which I'm still trying to recover from. The latest algorithm is bombarding the person with questions when you can't get a conversation going. * something* has to spark a conversation, right!? W r o n g. This is why I'm down to 3 or 4 friends.) all agree I'm incredibly socially awkward. And sure, I fill any silence with stimming, usually involving grabbing things I'm not supposed to touch or poking the person I'm with (idk man, my brain goes into panic mode and it just keeps repeating "poke them" until I appease it). In fact, just yesterday I hung out with a friend, and we had a casual good time. It's times like these that *really* make me question whether or not I'm autistic. Though it may sound like it, I'm not saying it's impossible for an autistic to have friends - in fact, in the short year that I've had this blog, I've managed to befriend quite a few of you wonderful people! I guess I'm just saying that while autistics can have friends and still be valid, *I* can't. Of course, having no friends doesn't mean I'm autistic ( much in the same way having friends doesn't mean I'm *not* autistic ). Overall, I'm worried my social awkwardness / social deficits, though they do exist, aren't enough to actually consider myself autistic. I am confident that I have ADHD and SPD, but what if those two are just combining to closely mimic autism? My blog has gotten fairly popular, and I'm really feeling invalid tonight, so I figured I'd outline the main symptoms and let you guys determine if you're okay with me running an autism blog and using the tags. I still think I have autism, and I shouldn't need to get validation from strangers on the internet, but I felt like it was important to outline this.