#idk i dont think that'll do much for me lol i think i should just drop dead
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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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Thing is even if i go back to therapy if i tell her i want to kill myself she's just going to hospitalize me again
#me getting hospitalized is toxic as we've established#idk how to balance on the line of this is serious i need help / not serious enough that i need to be hospitalized tho ahaha#and i am fucking incapable of doing the shit you need to do in therapy to get results#ive tried very hard but i physically cant talk about that shit. i also physically cant tell them how & why its difficult#its not that i dont try i just cant#so its useless#and online self help shit does jack fuck when i actually need it#i tried the positivity coping day by day shit and it does not work when im like this#nothing helps lol#i tried sui hotline last year and that did fuck all#i have 0 people in my life i can talk to#and even if i had someone i wouldn't say shit bc they're not a therapist#so i just kind of think i need to die lol#i dont think there's a getting out of this for me#i started digging this hole at age 4 lol there is not a latter that tall#even if i did go back to psych they're sick of me there and it does nothing anyways#last time they suggested ect bc nothing else was working#idk i dont think that'll do much for me lol i think i should just drop dead
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so i've been (trying) to work on my visual novel, aka doing the writing, and its going kind of slow as per usual, but i have hopes that i can get a game out this year laksjdflakjsdf at least... hopefully :')
in other news, as much as i want to open art commissions, i need to pump out a shit ton of art prints cause i really need to overhaul my current catalogue of prints for cons cause they're old and irrelevant, but i also just feel like im not cut out to really table anymore???? i dont draw on trend stuff and i barely draw in general, and it also costs a lot to buy inventory and stuff;;;; maybe i'll just table for one more year or so?????? ideally this year should have been my last but i already bought the table for next for the 3 day con here haha. And if i were to create a lot of new stuff that means a lot of inventory that i need to get rid of by next year (though i guess i can just sell online lol)
speaking of drawing though, maybe im just out of practice/haven't been drawing much so a lot of my stuff i really hate because they're not turning out the way i want to and i can't transfer my vision onto the screen :\ i have a lot of personal art i want to draw but ugh. but also im prioritizing visual novel writing so there's that;;;;
idk i just feel like im putting on so much stuff on my plate all the time and i need to Stop doing that lol. i just want to chill and play games or watch movies/shows without feeling guilty for not being "productive" and constantly thinking "omg i need to draw or work on this side project"
and in other other news i've just accepted i'll be single my entire life and im coping, i dont need anyone!!!! AHAHHAHHAHhahahahahahh hahha.hhah....hahaha.....
anyway been more on the down low just cause going through notions but yeah. I do really want to open art commissions (1. cause i miss doing them and do think that it would help me get out of my rut at least temporarily and 2. i need money) but i just dont know when that'll be :\ i know quite a few people are looking forward to them opening and i feel bad cause they're never open lmao. And then also stressed cause of the amount of new prints i need to pump out and ah... kinda very daunting :')))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i also dont even know what to draw so........ trying to predict what could be popular next year and such is hard esp when i dont even keep up with trendy anime lel
anyway that is my life update, been a while since i've done one
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#my parents just offered me to rent out our old apartment from them for a lower price#it could be absolutely amazing tbh but I'm worried about them losing money#the place is really old but has so much space#and it'll probably be demolished in a year or two#but i feel like i should do it?#even if it'll be kinda temporary#if i could get a friend in there with me that'll be perfect cause they wont be losing money#and it's a big place too#idk i dont even know how it looks at this point it might be a dump#but it does sound tempting to not deal with shit landlords#and pay a bit less than what i was planning even tho it'll be pretty much the amount i was planning on#idk my mind is racing lol#and I'll be able to have people over and date oh man that sounds great#maybe i shouldn't fall in love with the idea yet i guess i need to think it over and i told my parents to consider the money thing too#personal#oops#yep this is me breaking my own heart lol the current tenant isn't SURE if he wants to leave#so stupid#shouldn't have gotten swept up in it i was looking at decor all day#guess we'll see but I'll try to get it out of my head for now and keep looking for apartments#sad
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oh sick lol odd eye hit 100 listens for me
#its actually at 103 currently#and that counts the stage and fancams because i have a chrome extension that records youtube listens on lastfm#and like i know a live performance video isnt the same as a normal listen to the song via music video but...#i mean im still hearing the song both ways so why not still record live stages as listens?#i dont record them with the album info though#so the amount of times ive listened to the album reflects the number of listens to the song minus live stages and things like that#thats the system ive settled on anyway#tbh i think ive absolutely 100% been listening to odd eye too much#im getting a little worn out lol. there just hasnt been a lot of other music that ive been discovering lately so i just have it on repeat#pretty much anyway#im thinking that i dont like it as much as scream or boca#i do like it a lot and it probably is in my top 10 dc songs... maybe even as high as top 5?#but scream and boca are both higher i think#scream definitely is but idk i could imagine liking odd eye more than boca eventually#i also have been listening to it a lot in order to stream it but... like... while i do wanna be listening to it a lot for the next few weeks#....i should do most of my streaming on my phone with the sound muted. like... while i watch and do other things on my laptop#muting the phone volume doesnt affect anything#i'll obviously still be listening to the song a lot lol but i just mean that when im doing other stuff i can stream odd eye on my phone#and i dont need to feel like i actually have to listen to odd eye 10+ times a day cause like#that'll really burn me out. im at 100+ listens in three days cause i listened 50+ times on day one... and i cant keep this up lol#i like the song... and thats exactly why i gotta cut back lmao. i would like to keep enjoying the song and not ruin it for myself hahaha
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"i ate too much AGAIN" what a mood i swear if i like the food There Is No Stopping Me i WILL eat until i burst. but hey, the world's already kinda terrible, im a firm believer that we should enjoy the things that make us happy. and if that is food, then so be it!
you actually worried me with the hotplate thing jsjdjff what if it started a fire or something?? I'd be lying if i said i didn't laugh hfjsjf but please be careful😭 here's to hoping that the electricity bill won't be too high🤞🏽
OMG ITS HALLOWEEN I FUCKING FORGOT god that's so sad. i swear!! every single year im like this time!! im gonna release the witch in me and go out!! and then i don't bc im too busy or my friends are:( wbu, got any plans for Halloween? although staying in and relaxing is just as a good plan as any if you ask me lol
actually, we don't have classes on Sundays, just exams. every Sunday. it's only one subject each week of course, but it's still tough.
good job on crowning albedo omg!!! I've been thinking about saving for his banner actually ksjdjd is this a sign?🤔
i swear........ wise words my friend, wise words
ZKDJZJ NO DONT WORRY i promise it won't happen again idk why i just Forgot to turn it off like???? wth but anyway im extra careful now
I FEEL YOU SO MUCH OMG....... i wanted to go to an halloween party like two days ago but literally all of my friends were busy </3 so i watched a horror movie and called it a night, and i will most likely do that again tonight tbh so yeah no, no plans sobs, which SUCKS bc i have a perfectly good victorian vampire outfit waiting to be unleashed 😩 but movie night it is!!!!
exams every sunday... jesus that sounds Rough i physically couldn't, thoughts and prayers
ZKDKZK i have to say. albedo is an amazing geo sub dps like fr, and with his BiS weapon coming out (+ considering that before his BiS weap WAS A 3* so you could r5 that shit so easily 😩) + an entire set that'll fit him like a glove, he's gonna be extremely broken i cannot Wait (planned to c2 his cute ass but then learnt that gorou was on itto's banner, but it's ok albedo is already pretty good at c0 <3). also he goes kind of with anyone? but especially xiao imo. and ofc monogeo comps + comps with him, zhongli and 2 other characters for the tasty geo resonnance. anyway my point is if you want him, i can say that you most likely will Not be disappointed!!
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Ok. Let's drop the 3 random facts bc I don't have anymore of those to share. Haha I'm just boring that way. Lol Top 13 (lol) taylor lyrics (or less)(or more) (just ur favorites however many there are). Top 13 general artist's lyrics. Lmao that'll keep me busy for sure when it comes back to my inbox. Lmao I love this.
oh good i dont either lol
Taylor lyrics(in no particular order)
He looks up grinning like a devil!!! - Cruel Summer
And I hate to make this all about me; But who am I supposed to talk to?; What am I supposed to do; If there's no you? - Soon You’ll Get Better
And you understand now; Why they lost their minds and fought the wars; And why I've spent my whole life trying to put it into words - You are in love
You gotta step into the daylight and let it go - Daylight
They’re burning all the witches even if you aren’t one; they got their pitchforks and proof, they dont need their reasons - I Did Something Bad
Who you are is not where you’ve been - Innocent (take it out of context and it means something to me. actually take most of the song out of the Kanye context, and it means something to me)
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud; But no one heard a thing - Clean
But I took your matches; Before fire could catch me; So don't look now; I'm shining like fireworks; Over your sad empty town - Dear John
And no one knows; That you cry; But you don't tell anyone; That you might; Not be the golden one - Tied together with a smile
'Cause you don’t feel pretty, you just feel used - the Lucky One
And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me; And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover - Lover
Other Lyrics (no order here either)
our hearts are too ruthless to break - sinners Lauren Aquilina (hopeful and a good song)
In my head i do everything right - supercut Lorde (just....wow)
What if im someone i dont want around - falling harry styles (this hits hard)
I know this whole damn city thinks it needs you but not as much as i do - the last of the real ones Fall Out Boy (this reminds me of a ship honestly (batman stuff lol))
you might think its easy being me, you just stand still and look pretty - stand still, look pretty the wreckers (its about how just being beautiful isnt as easy as one might think)
I feel so sad/you should be sad - You should be sad Halsey (i really like the transition of im sad to you should be. it hits a certain kinda way)
If I could make you love me; Maybe you could make me love me; And if I can't make you love me; Then I'll just hate everybody - I hate everbody Halsey (i just really like this)
Let me be lighter Im tired of being a fighter - Beam Me Up Pink (its just sweet)
I trusted you with this apple on my head;you had arrows and whips thank god you never missed - Springtime (idk where i found this or who its by but i love this line)
I only wanna die somedays - Ashley Halsey (its almost positive, like only sometimes i feel like this)
And it's just these things that I'm thinkin' for hours; And I'm pickin' my hair out in clumps in the shower - 929 Halsey (i love the instrumentals in this part so so much)
It ain't easy, believin' in believin' - Different Kind of Tears Sully Erna (i almost want a tattoo of this lyric)
I held the blade in trembling hands ; Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang; I never had the nerve to make the final cut - the final cut Pink Floyd (its a thing with my dad and this album makes us both happy cuz its so beautifully written and it shows how much people love us if we say we’re listening to it and they ask if we’re okay because it is a very sad album)
Okay this took me like all day to come up with. but i did it!!!
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Heyyy~~♡
I think you got so many people struck by the teacher baek idea haha and I'm totally in too like WHY NOT
Okay so you wanted details for it and here's what I would like
I think we should go for high school rather then university because if the OC would be young and baekhyun would be mature that'll be fun rather then both being mature and I think as OC should be young so she should act as the silly one ....so I think the characters should both be on the good side cuz we see alot of bad guy baekhyun everywhere.....but as some people do like it so you can make baekhyun flirty and as I wanna put him on a good side so you can make it like that he acts like that with the OC
And for the OC she should be the good one too but the one who isn't good in studies 😂 (I mean why dont we put our situations here lol that'd be fun)and also the shy type but gets bold at times too and then also gets embarrassed 🤦🏻♀️(idk if you understand what I mean haha)
And definitely not a love triangle here cuz the studentxteacher would already have alot of things which they would have to look after and I'm also saying this because some people cant take too much drama or angst so it should be neutral so that everyone could like it
Next ....
So Baekhyun should definitely be a science teacher here
Reasons:
Well first cuz if we put him as a PE teacher that would only suit him if he acts like a bad boy and we want a good baek (I do like bad baek too obv who wouldn't like to get on their knees for him omg but sorry bad boy baek I have to dump you here)
Arts teacher would be great too but as I want her to be weak in studies so it wouldn't make sense here so that's why
As for the rich and poor backgrounds hmm...
I want baek to be rich and OC to be poor because i think that's how it would suit the whole plot
Oc should be poor as in that she sometimes doesn't eat and skips lunch and then the good teacher baek helps her and even feeds her (m gonna cry rn awwww) and like even as she wants to go to this exhibition trip related to the subject and then she cant pay for it and all and then the super hero kind hearted baek comes up to her rescue
Lol idk what I'm saying but m just giving ideas from my imagination
And we would definitely love to have some MATURE STEAMY- ( cough cough you know what I mean) but that should definitely not be in the school because they are GOOD okay
And I also want to mention this idea that the OC's dad would've left her mom a long time ago when she was young so her mom worked and raised her alone and then her mom gets really sick later on andpasses away(sorry if anyone doesn't like it I'm just mentioning this as an idea thatd suit the plot)
And then she finds it hard to cope up and all
Okay so that's my hardest try to mention the details I hope it helped and to make is easy for you I want whoever who agrees with this TYPE of plot to just comment and let the author know if you agree or not because not everyone would type the details
PHEW
And tbh I have a test tomorrow and I'm sitting here imagining baek as my teacher and getting overly excited for this so I hope it helps again AND I SHOULD DEFINITELY STUDY NOW
And sorry for this LONG AFFFFF ask lmao
Hi! 🤩 Thank you for taking the time to write this out for me. I thought it through and not gonna lie - you have good ideas that I wouldn’t have thought of! So I’m very excited to attempt to write this!! I agree with a lot of points and you made same good ones 😛 I’m going to do some slight changes but either way, I made up my mind now! ^^ if someone wants to add sth, feel free to do so. I can’t guarantee everyone’s images but I’ll try my hardest with this (long) one shot!
Good luck on your exam!!! I 💯 get it when you are somewhere completely else with your brain but you rlly need to focus 😆 I hope it will all go well 💘
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