Friendly message to say sometimes it feels like you're the only one going through those hardship of speaking your mind but I promise you aren't. You should not be beating yourself up about it. Communication can be so hard and pressurized

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ur gonna make me cry again and this time my roommate is actually here lmfao

Survey #238

“crimson calligraphy written on the trees, creature from the grave, headless and hellbent for me.”

Have you ever played golf? Like, mini-golf. Is there a lake near your house? No, but there's two small ponds down the road. Have you ever made your own pizza or pasta dough? No. Have you ever watched an entire season of a tv show in one day? Uhhhhh how long are the first few seasons of Supernatural? Because Jason and I fucking binged it, and I honestly think that's partially the reason I don't even enjoy TV anymore. Like I liked the show, but jfc it became torture at some point. Not his fault at all, I just never pointed it out. BUT ANYWAY, it's definitely possible we did. What did you have for dinner tonight (or last night)? A ham and cheese hot pocket. Do your parents do things that ‘embarrass’ you? This is so mean, but my mom makes the cringiest jokes and such imo that gives me mad secondhand embarrassment. Do you like any Bon Jovi songs? Yeah, a decent handful. Who was the last person you were in a car with? Mom. Do you give people second chances? Ha, more than "second." How’re things between you and your most recent ex? We're totally great. Really as if we didn't even break up, considering I mean... nothing emotionally has changed. We just know that being together right now isn't the wise decision. It's frustrating as hell, though. We've already established we're not going to "wait" for each other, but neither of us are actively looking for a new partner, either. I want her, and from what I can tell, she wants me, too. We kinda just... don't talk about how unfair it all is anymore because we both get too upset. I was even supposed to go up there with her and her fam for her birthday and Christmas, but that's changed because she and I agree it's too soon after splitting, making it only more difficult to be around each other. We'd want to cuddle and kiss and such by instinct, so we're trying to wait until the wound isn't as fresh. Though honestly, I don't know how visiting period would go consider as said, there has been zero change in romantic attraction. Ugh yeah I just hope she figures out what she wants and all and we can get back together. Have you been to a wedding this year? No. I'm going to my half-sister's next year, though. Are you an aunt or uncle? Yes, and another niece is on her way. :') Do you expect to be married in the next two years? Probably not. What season is your birthday in? Winter. Have you ever been hunting? Fuck that shit. How often do you walk around barefoot? Always in my own house + in other houses if I'm allowed to take my shoes off. When you eat take-out, do you just eat it out of the containers provided? Usually, but it does depend on what food it is. Ex., those little boxes that have rice in them from Chinese places? I'm using a bowl. From the container is just messy. Would you need to sleep with someone before considering marrying them? Nah. Do you carry condoms? No. Would you date someone who has a hearing aid? ... Yes...? "No" is just... so rude?? Like that is something the person absolutely cannot help, nor is it a HUGE thing. It's just a hearing aid, dude. How organized are the files on your computer? Pretty decent. Folders and such. Could be better still, probably. Have you ever been to a strip club? Nah, not my scene. Have you ever brought home a stray animal? Pleeeeenty of cats. Are you physically strong? No, especially not my legs. I've got a newborn fawn's legs, jc. Still working on building the muscle back up. Would you date someone with braces? Oh my god, fuck off. Yes I would. I was the person with braces dating someone without them, so 1.) I obviously can't say shit, 2.) they're taking care of their goddamn teeth, and 3.) I dunno, wearing braces has no goddamn impact on personality???????????? Does scuba diving interest you? Not to an incredible degree, but it'd be cool. Would you ever ask your parents for relationship advice? Maybe for certain topics. Do you think people look up to you? Y'know that "oh no hunty WHAT is u doin" meme??? That's me if someone does. How often do you have trouble sleeping at night? *blinking* There are people who don't??????? Do you blush easily? Ohhhhhh yes. Do you get angry at yourself or at others more often? Hm. Not sure. Can you name five current world leaders? AHAHA nope. How many times have you had the flu? Zero. Do you think imagination is valuable? Oh hell yes. We would be NOWHERE CLOSE to where we are as animals without it. Who or what are you most impatient with? I don't know. When was the last time you mowed a lawn? Never. Have you seen all of the Star Wars films? No; seen only the first three with a friend and saw zero appeal. He didn't either. How about all of the Harry Potter ones, so far? I haven't even seen one. Jason and I started the first one together but. Paid way more attention to each other than the movie lmfao. What part of the newspaper do you typically enjoy reading? None. I collect my school's papers now though 'cuz I'm the photographer for it. :') Have you ever made a website, even a simple one? Four that I remember. The ancient and now-defunct ones were back when I think this site called Wetpaint was a host for simple sites, and a lot of us RPers posted our mob info and stuff there. I had one for Talons, one for Connrads. Ha, out of curiosity, I think I looked for them not all too long ago since I never actually deleted them, but I think the site itself was re-purposed. NOW, I have a Wix site for my photography, and then Kalahari Manor is a ProBoards-hosted site. Which was better: your childhood or your teen years? Jfc, childhood. Teen years were a chaotic and rancid cesspit in terms of mental health. What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? I truly imagine that realizing I was *in love* with Jason surpassed what a high probably feels like lmao. What does it take for someone to win your heart? I'm actually putting thought into this one and I think what appeals to me in a person most is just being friendly with a good sense of humor and obvious, shameless concern for others. AND JFC, HAVE EMOTION. Don't be a brick wall with me. Lacking an emotional side, positive or negative, is such a turn-off to me. I'm not attracted to robots. Being a gentle person is important, and for me personally, you need to actually act like you're into me. Not just between us. Do not make me a secret. AND BE CREATIVE AND WEIRD AND FRESH!!!!!!!!!!! There's nothing wrong with more "vanilla" people, but just for me myself, I need someone who stands out for some good reason. lol okay this answer's actually getting kinda long, I'll stop. There's a number of ways. What is one thing you would rather be doing? Ha ha yo real talk, Sara and I are getting all emotional and deep into our relationship, platonic or romantic, and I want me and her in her bed right now tearing each other up alsdkjfla;kwejre I love her a lot ok. When was the last time you changed your mind about something? OKAY SO I started a new birth control, right? It. Sent. Me. BACK. With my PTSD. How? Idfk, but I was suddenly obsessing over Him again, badly. I stopped that shit, and wha'd'ya know, two days later, I'm like "lol wtf I don't want him why did that just happen hunty was u ok????????". SO YEAH, that was a trip. Do you know anyone with a lisp? I'm not sure. Possibly. How much weight can you lift at once? No clue. Not a lot. Do you ask guys out, or wait for them to ask you out? I've never asked a guy out, but I wouldn't say I wouldn't. Do you like the last person who showed interest in you? I love her. Describe the last person you stared at? I have no idea. Do you like dating one person at a time, or multiple people? I'm personally monogamous. Have your experiences made you more or less sympathetic to others? MORE. Do you find smoking unattractive? I do. Have your parents ever searched your personal belongings? Mom has. Where did you get your last bruise from? ... Well. This is uh. Awkward. Tying into when I was on that medicine that made my libido fucking uncontrollable (thank the fucking lord I'm back to normal), my breasts are lookin rough, sister. Are you looking forward to anything? Nothing in the VERY near future, I think. A bit further off, Christmas. I can't wait to see the kids so excited again, and for once, we come together as a true family. Plus my #1 wish is to have my Mark tattoo improved at an amazing parlor, and I'm pretty sure that'll be happening, just obvs. not on Christmas Day itself. I'll just be fuckin STOKED when I *know* it's happening. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes. How much money did you spend today? $1.25 for something from the vending machine. I didn't have breakfast, so I was really hungry. When you’re bored in class, what do you usually do? Try to not doze off. If we're not doing anything, then I'll play around with my phone. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head for more than a day? Oh, definitely. Ever walked into the guy’s bathroom? HA as a stupid elementary school with her friends, we sure did during a work day (my mom used to work with special ed kids at school). We thought we were soooo rebellious. How many wives or husbands do you want? One. What happens if you fall in love with your best friend? Ha, did. I still am, and we hope to be back together someday. Has a teacher ever flirted with you? Not that I know of. Thankfully. Is it okay for friends to kiss each other, as friends? It's not my thing, but sure, if it's consenting and both are aware it's platonic. Do your wishes ever get granted in the worst way possible? Probably in some way at some point I don't recall. How do you feel about your naked body? NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO Have you ever been called obnoxious? I don't think so, anyway. Do you wish you had a bigger family? No. Which friend would you kiss full on the mouth, no questions asked? Sara. Can you do a split or stick your foot up next to your ear? Nope. When was the last time you complained about something? I was venting some mild frustration to Sara earlier tonight. What is your favorite color combination? Favorite is probably pastel orange and light blue. Love it. Then there's pastel pink and purple. Okay pretty much any combination is about the pastels When was the last time you spoke in front of a group? A month or so back when I had to do my Lifeline presentation in FYS. Do you like group projects, or do you prefer to work alone? I strongly prefer working alone. There's no disagreements, compromises, incompetent partners, etc. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? Yup! (: Indirectly, but. How did you respond? I don't recall, but I wish I did. Who is the most argumentative person you know? She's not in my life anymore partially BECAUSE of that shit. Do you know anyone who is crazy about proper grammar? Yes, but she has OCD as a valid reason. I'm pretty particular about it too to a degree. Who was the last person to make you feel special? Oh my gosh, my therapist told me she was so proud of me and the progress I was making that I just entirely lit up and became a total beaming ball of giggles and "thank you"s. Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? No, I'm bi. If your best friend grabs your hand, what do you automatically do? Squeeze it. What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? Cheesy and spicy scrambled eggs, man. Also known as the only thing I can properly cook lmao. Do you tend to flirt a lot, even when the person isn’t single? Fuck no, if they're not single. I'll flirt with my s/o when I see it appropriate or relevant, and in a case where we're both single, I'd be very subtle about it because shy. What’s something that you think is really cute? Off the very top of my head, the Ewoks from Star Wars, oh my fucking god. They were the only thing I enjoyed in the movies. What’s a pretty bird? I mean... pretty much all of them. BUT, can we take a moment to appreciate the bearded vulture? like???? they're fucking BADASS???????????? Besides sleeping, what do you do in bed? Almost... everything. It's the reason I endured/am still recovering from muscle atrophy in my legs. Have you ever hacked into somebody’s account? Playfully, back when that was a thing for friends to do and post lovey-dovey stuff about them everywhere. Megan and I, and I believe Mini and I as well, did it to each other. Possibly more. Is having to pee really badly worse than being really thirsty? Oh hell yes it is. The former can get to a point of hurting. Have you ever touched a Qu'ran? No. Do you love animals more than most? Oh definitely. Why do you eat fast food? It's easy to grab when on the run, and Mom has almost zero time to cook. Then we both have school. Most often I just warm things up in the microwave or grab something substantial enough in the fridge. Is there always going to be that one person you and a friend makes fun of? I guess you could say indirectly, yes. Just something she said in a certain way became an inside joke. Her as a person, no, I wouldn't do that. What is a bad habit of yours that you’re actually trying to fix? Having terrible eye contact. I have a very hard time maintaining it, but I've been trying to keep that weakness in mind when talking to people. Do you write out your feelings? That's one reason why I take these surveys, yes. Do you have bills to pay yet? It's embarrassing that I don't. Not saying like, I want to pay bills, what madman would, but I do want to feel more like a proper, independent adult. Will you be changing your hair any time soon? Not the style, but one thing I'm asking for Christmas is a professional to dye my hair silver. I say pro because my hair does NOT hold color, and because of the bleach needed, Mom's concerned I'll damage my hair if I put my trust into anyone less qualified. Does your mom have a celebrity look-alike? I don't think so, but she looks UNCANNILY like her firstborn daughter. It is SCARY. Is there something you wish you could learn to do? There's loads of stuff. Probably above all, cook. Or stop procrastinating. If you could be amazing at ONE thing, what would it be? Drawing precisely what I see in my head. Because of how important they are to me, I would pay BIG FUCKING BUCKS to get how my 'kats look onto paper. What do you wish people would pay you to do? Complain about my weight. :^) I'd be able to just pay for surgery to fix that within a day. Do you take good pictures? I personally think I do. I mean I wanna be a professional photographer. How would one go about impressing you? It depends on the subject and difficulty of whatever. What probably impresses me most would be someone maintaining a mature, peaceful attitude when there is reason to act otherwise. Self-control, that's it. Do you automatically apologize if you walk into somebody? Duh? Tell me a memory of this summer: It was fucking scorching and I hated every minute of it. What’s something that you don’t need, but really want? Hmmmm. OH, HELL YES. IF I had the proper body to even remotely pull them off, I. Would wear. NOTHING. But corsets. Jesus FUCKING Christ they are so hot. What do you draw more than anything else? Just about all I draw is meerkats. What’s the most favorite class you’ve ever had? The Digital Photography course I took in high school. Or Art Honors my junior year. I really enjoyed the stuff I made. For each person you’ve kissed, describe your feelings in one word: Jason: melancholy; Tyler: dramatic; Girt(?): loyal; Sara: ideal. How do you react when you trip or stumble? Gasp and carry on. If it was a more serious trip, I look around at who saw. Are you good at “biting your tongue”? NO. Why do you love the one you do? She's been there for me without fail, has undying faith in me, supports me through everything, is honest, she's funny and very unique, her adoration for animals shows a great level of compassion, she trusts me so much despite her history, she stands extremely firmly for what she sees as right and wrong... okay I can honestly write an essay on why I love her. Would you rather get [another] tattoo or piercing? GIMME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 THE TATTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111 Do you have long or short legs? I'd say they're normal, idk. When do you listen to Nickelback? *shrugs* When I wanna? Would you rather make the first move, or your crush? Them. I'm shy.

I’m so fucking upset and angry and have so many mixed feelings right now.

I fucking hate being Japanese American. There’s LITERALLY no one like me, they’re all either Japanese immigrants or Asian Americans from other countries. I have NEVER truly talked with anyone from my identity; I guess Noriko and Yasuo, and Mari are. And Ayako (Sekiya). So alright I take it back, I guess I have. Oh and Nao, and Rintaro from high school. Ugh, maybe I’m being overdramatic. I don’t fucking know. I’m just so jealous and upset and just overwhelmed with anger at this mishmash identity that I have to carry around with me that I can’t talk or bond about with anyone. I don’t fucking have friends who’ll KNOW what *blah blah blah in Japanese* is. I don’t have friends who know what certain foods, experiences, ALL OF THAT are. I can’t make some kind of stupid expectation that I’ll ~only date~ people from my nationality or whatever the fuck.

God I fucking hate it. I resent Sarah and Rachael (or maybe their parents) for “being able” to have this expectation for their daughters to marry Korean American men, and I resent having also heard that from Summer, sorta from Tammy’s side (although she rebelled against it obv). I feel like it’s some kind of Korean-ness identity purity thing, and it makes me so fucking stressed. I don’t want to deal with Korean American (guys) going forward, I’m kinda sick of it. I guess Josh liked me (for whatever maternalistic, therapy-role I had Idfk), but in the end, I just. All these guys probably also want “Korean girls” just like what I’ve seen vice versa and I am SICK of having to deal with this fallout. I hate having to be in the situation where I need to somehow prove that I’m “better” than Korean or Korean American girls or some BS like that. I’m sick of having to be “better” to prove my Japanese-ness. I’m fucking sick of having to be passed over no matter what I change or improve, just based on my fucking nationality that I can’t change. I’m done with dealing with these people. It makes me tired, exhausted, frustrated, and furious. yeah yeah it’s your culture, idfc. I’m not touching anything near that going forward, fuck that shit!!

I’m jealous of my Asian American friends who all seem to have friends from their nationalities around them or who share even the same language. Why can’t I ever have that!!!! Why am I stuck like this. It’s not really that I’m super fluent in Japanese, but I goddamn fucking hate it here. I’m so stuck, I never even see Japanese on the day to day, never get to hear it, never am around it. I’m so tired and done with all of this. I want and need to be immersed in Japanese culture more, from actual Japanese Americans. I don’t want any more Japanese immigrant friends or Asian American friends from other countries as much as I want Japanese American friends. But I guess I can’t be picky huh. Because. There just aren’t any. Around.

I’m so tired of talking with that guy on Discord, I feel like. Whew, I’m tired, he makes me feel anxious like I need to prove something to him. But it’s such a waste of time, I’m not interested in some Korean American patriot dude who, since he’s patriotic, probably is gunning for a perfect Korean or Korean American gf. I’m done man. We’re just running around the bush, I need to just be like hey, I don’t think I can continue talking with you. I don’t think this is gonna work, it was nice knowing you, good luck and BYE. I’m done done done.

I can handle the other two people on Discord and Reddit, but the other Korean guy on Reddit I’m just going to draw away from him. Not to say I don’t trust Korean guys but I don’t trust Korean guys that I don’t irl. If they know I’m Japanese, they probably won’t want to talk with me anymore so better just cut to the chase you know. Also he’s just. Doesn’t seem supportive anyway. Why would you be like well I think your education trajectory is a bad idea lol like the 2nd convo you have lmfao I’m dead. I am deceased, maybe I’ll just ghost. I’m tired man.

Sigh okay. Ended that, good.

Some part of me drifts to thoughts about Duncan, and also briefly Karin today when I heard the Piano Man at the thrift store. It filled me with a sense of sadness and regret and emptiness. Well, Idk about regret, but maybe a sense of doom and depression. Like wow, I’m really not good enough for anything? Is that how all of this plays out in the end lol.

Sometimes I think about biracial people, and I wonder if it’s just a weird racialized way that I have of trying to find people who reflect my own mess of experiences as Asian American and rejecting the idea of purity in my race or nationality. I hate even the whiff of nationalism because I 1. low-grade hate everything associated with myself and my identity in some way, and 2. I think Japan is just a country that necessitates criticism on so many fronts, I can’t imagine ever “loving it” in some unconditional, unilateral, uncritical way. So I cringe inside when people say they’re looking for X nationality of people like wow. I literally can’t relate but okay. This is why Asian American is my nationality, because Japanese isn’t a nationality I even bother seeing in this country lmfao and I hate being considered a Japanese national or native either because that isn’t an identity or experience that makes any sense to me either. I find the mild-mannered approach to be kind of weak-willed and spineless, like Sweden preaching neutrality while taking advantage monetarily of the Allies and Axis powers in WWII ya know. It just seems awfully convenient for the ruling hegemony but whatever..

Anywho... I think a mix of despair (I can’t ever freaking find anyone I have a crush on that’s reciprocated or anyone that I’m interested in who I vibe with, irl or online) plus the despair of not feeling understood plus the despair of not being wanted by other Asian Americans but not having any culture that wants me (in a non-fetishy way) and feeling both jealous and resentful of my Asian American friends just made me want to combust and die. I wondered if becoming prettier and thinner would make people love me, and I wondered if I can exact revenge by being so much better than anyone from their own nationalities, but that’s just a form of putting down other women and people right. So I don’t want that either. It’s hard. I wonder if I’d be more likeable if I was prettier. Because I think personality-wise I’m pretty golden, and beyond things I can control (my nationality, sexuality, disability, etc.), my appearance is something I can improve to at least deceive people enough to want me. I feel despair because I wonder if people would have liked me if I was at least prettier. But I don’t know.

I don’t know.

god i h a t e that i do this but im gonna dump on this fuckin hellsite and be overly dramatic and emo for a sec but bear w me and just,,,idk scroll past. plz ignore a bitch who is falling apart at the seams. 

ok ynkow what imma put my freakout under the cut so yall dont have to deal w me unless you actively want to (idk why u would tho lmfao)

god i feel so....just so fucking empty and i never have the energy to do anything and i feel like im being pulled apart at the edges and that my???soul??? is fracturing??? idfk and all i can do is just completly ignore all of my responsibilities and read fanfic and try not to cry all the time and i dont say Anything anymore i dont Talk to people (and ik i do this shit myslef and i isolate myself from my friends and family and i fuckin know its unhealthy ok) and its the fucking loneliest thing in the entire goddamn world and i honest to god dont remember the last time someone made me laugh or when someonw gave me a good hug and im falling a p a r t i dont e a t because im not h u n g r y and im positive that im loosing weight and i Dont sleep and i dont do my homework and i just. 

Ugh.

my mOM is being upsetting rn too and even when shes in a good mood im always on eGSHElls bc im sCared but i shouldnt have to be and i hate it i hate it i hate it. she makes my anxiety and Sadness so much worse and im 

im just so done

and my fuckin!!! intrusive thoughts!!!! are getting!!!! so much!!!! worse!!!! fuckin shit man leave me the fuck Alone.

hahaha i think im done now im very very sorry

sooo fucking glad that no one really uses tumblr anymore so I atleast have somewhere to rant//vent like my angsty 15 y/o self used to do ^^ SO ~ I am currently feeling like shit thanks to my gd group chat! LOL these people that I haven’t even really seen sinceee idk summer? No one really makes plans to get together besides me and the last time I invited them all over was halloween and I guess for some reason that was the day that everyone decided to not fucking show up OR even let me know. Only 2 out of the 15 showed and it was awkward AF and embarrassing and STILL no one has really apologized for not showing. LIKE OK COOL. V COURTEOUS OF YOU. I swear everytime our group has a text convo going on and anytime I try to participate I SWEAR it just ends. or like gets silent yaknow. LMAO @ MY LIFE. I just get irritated being the one to always make plans so I decided that I’m over being that person always reaching out to everyone. I’m fucking SICK OF THAT SHIT. everyone in the chat is talking about how much we either liked or disliked our school HA such a joke. I tried to give my opinion yaknow but no one really cared. they continued to talk about how theyre doing finding jobs in our field and how it sucks or doesnt suck meanwhile I’m like WOW no one could care less about my life but I go ahead and chimed in with my little rant because Im over it. and that’s basically what I told them. I have a BFA in graphic design and have been out of school since May. have I found a solid steady graphic design industry related job??? NOPE. lmfao. I dont give a shit anymore. I cant even get to a normal job because I STILL dont have my own goddamn car and I’m 22. still living at home. have shit to pay for. ie: FUCKING STUDENT LOANS. UGH.  luckily rn we have famfriends over - the only people I’ve really hung out with lately bc LOL I HAVE ZERO FRIENDS ANYMORE. sooooo I’m gonna go drink and play some guitar hero or dance central idfk. but I’ll probz come back and edit this or add to it or post another. whaaaaaateva. 

despite my current emotions - I hope you (whoever the fuck reads this) are having a good saturday. c: