#i'm so sorry to literally everyone else for the length of this post
Note
Adam sfw/nsfw hcs? I love your work! Thanks!!
💖 Please send me requests! Send me your own headcanons! I will draw! I'm obsessed rn!💖
SFW
I'm gonna start off strong by saying socks and sandals. Thinks it's great.
Will stop listening when he's losing an argument. Stutters and minces up his words if he gets flustered or too aggravated.
Lute is his best friend
Says he has tons on friend but in reality lute is his only friend
This man thinks he's higher up in the food chain than he actually is. Which then leads to weak apologies from him
Doesn't go anywhere without his mask. Really big believer in that he doesn't like showing his face because both his wife's left him
Still absolutely bitter about that btw
Has an unhealthy coping mechanism when it comes to jealously.
For example, your an angel and some newbie starts talking with you and there's nothing really in it but he opens a portal to hell when your not looking and literally kicks the guy through it before closing the portal.
Or if your a sinner and you're telling him about someone who helped you the other day he will HUNT THEM DOWN next extermination day... If he can wait that long.
Likes getting you lil gifts, key chains, magnets, pins. He'll see a little thing and think that's perfect and wont hesitate buying it for you.
He won't give it to you though. He'll leave it somewhere obvious in his apartment for you to notice and go "oh, that's cute." For him to shrug and say "it's okay. You want it?" It took a while before you actually started accepting gifts this way
In public he will get you the biggest things. Giant teddy bear. New TV. A unicorn. But that's just to show everyone that he spoils you. That no one can treat you as well as him.
Loves lazy days
Also loves it when you preen his wings
Was the kinda guy that didn't have any kind of skin care until he met you and now you're both chilling with facemasks on.
Has panic attacks when he thinks you're going to leave him
When he's not wearing his mask he will not smile. It's really difficult to get him to smile or laugh when he's not wearing a mask.
But he's got the most beautiful smile
You managed you get him to laugh because you fell. What? He's still an asshole.
You couldn't be mad at him. He sounded so happy.
Has dumb pet names for everyone he's close to. Some are cute. Some are absolutely vulger. "Sweetness." "Babe." "Cutie" "cockwarmer." "Adam's dumpster." "Precious."
He's insecure AF baby
Loves hearing you say you love him
Will only tell you he loves you in private.
Would take a very special case for him to say it in public
If you get in a serious argument with him he'll run away in anger. He'll then come back after an hour or so begging you not to leave.
Sorry I really love pathetic Adam. fight me.
Smut below the cut! Minors dni
NSFW
Ik everyone says it's great at sex but I don't think he would be 🤷🏻♀️ not at the beginning anyway
I think he's a selfish lover and it takes someone he really cares about to make any changes
Would absolutely finish inside you then fall asleep soz babes
His cock is good tho. Likes it's a biggen. Length and width.
It was probably made to fit perfectly so
At least that's what he says
He won't believe it if you dont orgasm the first time you have sex with him. Everyone else has! Why wouldn't you?!
Well, Adam, they lied, sweetie.
Loves getting his cock sucked.
Asks for it constantly
If he gets in an argument with you he'll probably say "I'm sorry, it's just been so long since I got head."
He loves eating you out. Watching you squirm while his tongue is inside you really gets him going.
Likes you have you sat on his face so he can hold you down
He cried the first time he had sex with you after realising he loves you
Will beg to be loved when he's close to finishing. "Tell me you love me!"
Will get embarrassed after the fact
He was adamant he didn't like you. That you were just hot. But one day found himself jerking to the thought of you and that post nut clarity hit like a freight train.
Loves being praised ofc
Breeding kink. I mean come on. He was made to populate the earth. It was literally his job.
Loves rough sex, being in charge.
Will get possessive during sex
If he's having a bad day he'll be a lot more desperate and a hell of a lot more possessive
"mine" is his favourite word.
～♡✧｡ I really hope you enjoyed! I'm not a writer by any means but I appreciate any support I receive so thank you for reading! ｡✧♡～
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel x reader#hazbin adam#hazbin hotel adam#hazbin hotel adam x reader#hazbin hotel smut#adam x reader#hazbin hotel adam smut
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sixteen | l.dh [part i]
Pairing: Lee Donghyuck x reader
Themes: strangers to lovers, highschool! au, coming of age, lovers to exes, exes to lovers to ??, producer! donghyuck (very lightly explored), roommates! au but with a twist, second chance romance, slowburn, angst, fluff, romance, PG 15. (moodboards: i | ii)
Warnings: profanity, heavy ANGST, kissing, food, underage alcohol consumption and alcohol consumption in general, drug use, smoking (vaping, cigarettes and weed consumptions), crude humour, teenagers doing dumb shit as teenagers do, cheating, betrayal.
Word count: 21.6k
Summary: Youth is always accompanied with a fragile glimmer of hope, with you and Donghyuck viewing the world through the rosiest of glasses. But as the ephemeral days of teenage foolishness bleed into the harshness of adulthood, the rosy hue begins to diminish, and you learn that for some people, it just isn’t meant to be.
Playlist: here
Notes from brooke: hello hi, it's been literally over a year since i posted a full length fic so view this one as something of a peace offering for my inacitivity. it fully started out as a joke drabble concept i thought of out of the blue one day but as i always do, i got carried away and here we are with another angst monster 😭 i wanted to post it as a oneshot but tumblr is a bitch as usual, so here's part one. there were a lot of complications with this fic, but i'm extremely proud of how it turned out and it took a lot of hard work and time to get done so i'm really fucking nervous to put this out there lmao but i hope you guys like it and if so please leave some feedback!! (format of this fic is heavily inspired by forever, interrupted by taylor jenkins reid)
➳ read part ii here!!
prologue – then.
There was something enchanting about the boy with the headphones at the back of the class.
You didn’t think you had seen him before today, which was noteworthy considering your town's excruciatingly small geography. The students in your class were the same ones you had gone to preschool with, and you hadn’t seen a new face within the four yellowed walls of your classroom for all the sixteen years you had lived.
This begged the question - who was this foreign yet beguiling creature that took up one of the ever-sought-out back benches of the dull classroom you inhabited every day of the week? Moreover, you wondered how he had the audacity to have his listen to music while the class was in session.
“Miss L/n?”
Snapping your head back to the front, you bit the inside of your cheek to top yourself from visibly cringing at the shrill voice of your teacher, who was presently eyeing you with an extremely disapproving expression. Much to your displeasure, all eyes were on you within seconds of that unfortunate moment, making you wish you could sink further into the wooden seat you currently occupied.
“Yes?” The moment the word left your mouth, you regretted it. Faking ignorance had never been your strong point, and it wasn’t about to come through for you now.
“Would you like to tell me what you find so interesting at the back or answer the question I just asked?”
You desperately hoped no one could see the warmth infiltrating your cheeks as you shifted uncomfortably in your seat, shaking your head as solemnly as possible.
“Sorry Ma’am.”
The teacher shook her head in retirement, as if she was used to picking on you, and moved on to picking on another student, leaving you to slouch in your seat and let out a sigh of relief. You had always hated being the centre of attention, especially in embarrassing situations such as this one, and recovering from them gracefully– just like your non-existent nonchalance– wasn’t in your skillset either
You looked to your side at your classmate who delivered the answer with ease, looking frankly quite bored as she did so. It was the topper of the class– Eunsook– the girl that always seemed to be ahead of everyone else in every class possible. Her words blurred together as your eyes once again wandered to a certain stranger in the back.
Except for this time, he was looking right back at you.
This was somehow much worse than being put on the spot by your teacher, because this? This meant you had been caught on a much more personal level.
And then, as if to make things even worse, the side of his mouth quirked upwards in acknowledgement of you, and he brought a hand up to your view, waving it a little in your direction.
Positively horrified, you immediately looked away and made a mental note to never glance in his direction ever again, deciding that pretending to be paying attention in class was a good enough cover-up.
However, this proved to be quite the task, partly due to the fact that economics wasn’t the most exciting subject, and because his face had been imprinted in your mind, from the intensity of his stare to the slightest of smiles that danced on his lips while he looked at you as if you had amused him in some way.
Your teacher's frown deepened upon seeing the interaction and she cleared her throat, giving you a pointed look.
Brilliant.
“Mr Lee, please stand up.”
Oh thank god, it wasn’t you this time. Maybe you had just been imagining her looking at you.
You heard the scraping of the chair legs against the wooden floors and glanced over in its direction, only to realise that it was him she had been called upon.
Well. At least this time you had a good reason to be staring.
It gave you the opportunity to truly take him in all at once, rather than in the pathetic little increments you had to previously resort to throughout the class, sneaking a peek here and there. You studied the boy– dark brown hair that fell into his eyes, which currently wore a look of mild annoyance, striking features etched into his honeyed skin and–
Oh.
He was really cute.
“Would you care to explain why you were distracting Miss L/n?”
Fuck. You had been naive to think that you would have been let off the hook so easily, especially by this particular teacher. If you had caught her attention for the wrong reason even once, you would be the one she put on the spot for the rest of the class, and this time you had the displeasure of being her guinea pig. The worst part about it was that it was absolutely your fault.
Once again, his line of sight travelled to you, before flickering back up at the oh-so-despised teacher and shaking his head.
“It won’t happen again.”
His voice cut through the expectant silence of class and right through you, deep and with a certain patronising lilt to it. It was a stupid thought, but you thought that it suited him perfectly. A pretty voice to compliment a pretty face.
“It better not,” the teacher warned sternly. “Since the opportunity has so conveniently arisen for us, I will now introduce you to the rest. Students, this is Donghyuck, and he’s new to the class.”
A pregnant pause hung in the air for a moment before she motioned for him to sit back down.
Just as she was about to resume her teaching, the bell rang and saved you from any further humiliation. The rustle of books closing and backpacks being unzipped carried through the room, and you joined in, collecting your things and getting to your feet in preparation to leave.
The light patter of footsteps closened in, followed by a voice. “Hey.”
You looked up from arranging your books, fingers digging into the material of your bag when you realised it was him who had approached you in all his glory– this time up close. It also gave you the opportunity to take note of his outfit, a graphic shirt lazily tucked into jeans, and although it was nothing special, somehow the air he held made it seem a lot more special than it was.
Like something about him made the ordinary feel extraordinary.
“Hello,” You managed to get out, putting a hold on that thought as you met his gaze for the third time. Immediately you regretted not having cleared your throat first, despising the hoarse undertone that accompanied the singular word you had uttered. You had hoped that your second impression would surpass the first, that being extremely unfavourable, but it seemed like the world was not on your side when it came to this boy.
This new, mysterious boy you had no right to be so oddly fixated on. A smile painted itself upon his mouth as he did a once over of you, causing you to feel as if the pale blue shirt you had worn that day was much too hot under the collar, and you had to resist the urge to reach up and unbutton the top to cool yourself down. You wished you could tie your hair up among other things, and tucked your hands behind your back, playing with the hair tie you always kept on your right wrist nervously, expelling some of that anxious energy that had invaded your body while keeping him in the dark about it.
“Nice to meet you, I’m Donghyuck.” His name sounded infinitely better when he pronounced it, its two syllables ringing in your ears. Nodding carelessly, you lifted your backpack off from the table and slung one strap over your shoulder.
“I heard.”
That answer earned you an expectant raise of his eyebrow.
Right. It seemed that the manners your mother had drilled into your very psyche had finally come to fruition as you realised he was waiting for you to introduce yourself back.
“I’m Y/n.” Your fingernails dug into the strap of your bag, the sweat accumulating in the palm of your hand brushing off against it. This position was one you had never been in before, nerves all over the place over an attractive stranger, but his unabashedness had unnerved you immensely, leaving you with no choice but to grasp for your words. “It’s…nice to meet you too.”
If the option of the ground opening up beneath your feet and swallowing you whole was available, you would have taken it without any hesitation. You detested the awkward pause you had inserted in the middle of your statement, it made you sound flighty and moronic, as if you couldn’t put together basic conversation phrases.
He didn’t seem to mind though, the slightest twitch of his lips being the only indication that he had noticed your scatterbrained state– an indication you had missed on your end.
“I’ll see you around.”
And just like that, he sauntered off. You watched as his figure retreated through the doorway as you stood there, dumbfounded at the nature of the interaction. More importantly, a singular question lingered in your mind, the question of how he had managed to get away with using his headphones in class.
It would go unanswered.
i] now.
There was something so distinctly you about the woman that sat across Donghyuck.
He focused on the different items displayed on the menu he held in front of him, refraining from glancing at the woman for the third time in thirty seconds. He was supposed to have chosen what he wanted to order a solid five minutes ago, but his composure had been completely thrown off and decision fatigue was quickly setting in.
“I’ll have the steak.”
Her name was Kim Yeonmi, twenty-four in age just like him and very pretty. An elegant dark blue dress donned her figure, her dark, wispy hair tied up into a bun with a few strands of hair let loose at the sides to effectively frame her face. Perhaps it was a little too much to have a first date at a fancy restaurant such as this, with its ostentatious ambience, but he wasn’t too sure of how dating worked at all.
There was just one person he had experience with.
She looked like she was enjoying the extravagance though, bobbing her head to his choice as she gave the menu another once over. “Just give me another minute.”
He smiled politely. “Take as much time as you need.”
She looked nothing like you, but the way she muttered the names of each dish back to herself under her breath had thrown him back in time, reminding him of how you used to do the very same.
“It makes it easier to choose when I say them out loud”, you had explained one day to him. “The one that sounds better is the one you pick.”
A foolproof strategy according to you, one you defended with all your might no matter how many times he teased you about it being ridiculous. He recalled the way you’d glare at him, hands resting low on your hips and an exasperated look on your face, the one he had grown so fond of. It was something he’d tease you about, how he loved the pissed-off look you’d give him even though he was the culprit for its showing pretty much every time.
He missed the dish Yeonmi finally settled on, snapped out of his thoughts and nodded, gesturing the waiter over to place the order. When it came to her order, he let her speak for herself, a good save.
He had to get his act together.
“So,” he began, leaning back a little in his seat in an attempt to relax. “What do you do, Yeonmi?”
The woman took a sip of the wine that they had previously ordered before answering, “I work in finance.”
The information barely latched into his memory, an absent-minded nod from his end to make it look like he was genuinely listening. Like he wasn’t observing the delicate messiness of her hairdo– messiness that was clearly intentional, done for the illusion of being effortless. It reminded him of how your hair always seemed to be half out of your ponytail, but it shouldn’t have, because that had never been intentional.
Donghyuck didn’t like the way your memory haunted him so insistently at such an inconvenient time, and he didn’t understand why it did either.
“I’m a music producer,” he informed her, a simper making a show on his face at the mention of his occupation. It was a thing of pride for him, the amount of work he had put in to say those words in the same sentence as the word ‘successful’ was astronomical, but it had all been worth it in the end. Music had been his life's blood ever since he was a child and the fact that he now was able to work with it every day and it was the reason he could take care of his mother meant the world to him.
New York baby, it made dreams flicker to life. The move he made at merely eighteen had been the best decision he had ever made.
It hadn’t come without its sacrifices though. After all, no risk, no reward.
The food arrived, piping hot and delicious enough to act as an excuse for his distant demeanour. He was present enough to make light conversation, doing his best to store all the little bits of information about Yeonmi in the back of his mind on the off chance of this first date turning into a few more.
And maybe, hopefully, he’d be less of an ass about them. Maybe this could go somewhere.
The two walked out of the restaurant, Donghyuck holding the door open for her while she exited. A light pattering of pink dusted the woman's cheeks at his consistent shows of gentlemanliness, but it went wholly unnoticed by him, who refused to let her catch a cab from the busy streets of the city, and insisted he drop her back to her place of residence.
How could one not fall for Lee Donghyuck when he was just so charming even when he didn’t intend to be?
Pop songs played at a low volume through the radio, the typical ones that played on a Friday evening to make the daily evening commute a little easier for those coming back from their workplaces, but heightened by the fact that the weekend was at large. The ride was a pleasant one, the music allowing the silences in conversation to be comfortable. Yeonmi snuck a shy glance at Donghyuck through the rearview mirror, noticing the way his long eyelashes framed his eyes that were focused on the road before them.
His fingers drummed on the steering wheel rhythmically, humming along the song that played as Yeonmi spoke about how she had been obsessed with that very one a few weeks ago. She seemed to be infinitely better at traversing the treacherous waters of conversation, seemingly not even noticing how withdrawn he seemed to be.
Her chattering also reminded him of you, though a little less interesting. It was a tad comical, how he had the audacity to compare every little thing about her to the one person he had pushed away.
“That’s my apartment complex.”
He parked the car and got out of it, circled the vehicle to get on her side, and opened the door for her, causing a pleased smile to appear on Yeonmi’s face. Then, he walked her up to the lobby of the building, exchanging pleasantries and goodbyes with a muttering of a hopeful ‘see you again’ thrown into the mix for good measure.
And with that, she was gone, and Donghyuck was alone once again. The sky was a dark blue, splattered with a few glimmering stars amidst its midnight canvas, the moon hiding behind the misty clouds. He slipped his hands into the pockets of his trousers and let out a sigh he didn’t know he had been holding in, shutting his eyes and counting slowly to ten.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.
It had been eight years.
Eight years since he had let go of you, opened the palm of his hand and watched as yours slipped right through his fingers. Sometimes, he could still feel the ghost of your skin linger on his fingertips.
Eight years was a hell of a lot of time, and time was said to heal all wounds. Time should have let him focus on his date instead of thinking of you and the little habits you had that had burned themselves into his memory.
Time was a fucking liar.
It was pathetic really. He had managed to not think of you for six of those years, save for the occasional moments when he had had one too many drinks and the alcohol had scrounged up cherished moments of the two of you from the vault of his mind.
But he was completely and utterly sober right now, almost too sober, he thought, for the wine he had consumed earlier hadn’t done much at all. The cold air nipped at the exposed skin of his face and face, grounding him to reality with its sudden harshness, another reminder that too much time had passed for him to be doing this. He had let go of the right to do so.
And yet, he found himself thinking of the only girl he had ever loved that windy Friday eve, her smiling face washed into the indigo skies.
The scent of a corporate office clung to your clothes, carrying itself with you as you inserted your keys into the lock of your door, twisted them, and pushed them open to reveal the solace of your apartment. You entered, slipped off your shoes and trudged into the living room where you flopped down on your couch, letting your muscles fully relax for the first time in eight hours.
“Y/n? Are you home?”
Lifting your head limply, you let your eyelids flutter open to peek over the backrest of the sofa, only to be met with your roommate standing there in the doorway of the kitchen, a smile seemingly stuck onto her made-up face. “Oh, it is you! How was work?”
You gave yourself a second to admire her handiwork from where you were sat (read: sprawled out), wishing you had the ability to do a perfect winged liner as she could.
“Tiring,” you complained with a sigh, feeling as if your bones were going to disintegrate into dust any moment.
She tutted sympathetically, retreating back into the kitchen. You heard the water running for a few seconds, and then she emerged again, walking over to you and handing you a glass of water. “Poor thing.”
Kim Yeonmi had been your roommate for the last two years, ever since a mutual friend of yours put the two of you in contact when you had been searching for accommodation after college that fits your budget. She was a warm person, sweet and helpful whenever she could be, and the two of you had hit it off from the moment you moved in, the arrangement blossoming into a fruitful friendship for the both of you.
“Bless you,” you took a sip of the water, straightening up your position to give her space beside you. She had even remembered to add a few ice cubes, the cool liquid revived your tired senses and cleared your mind.
She sat down, tucking her legs under herself as she reached out her hand, resting it on the top of your head and rubbing it comfortingly. You leaned into her touch, closed your eyes and savoured the quiet moment of solitude– the first one you have had today.
Then you opened your eyes and turned to her.
“So how was it?”
A bashful smile decorates her crimson-painted lips as she averted her gaze from you in an attempt to hide the flush that was quickly making itself known on her face. She cleared her throat, answering in the most casual and non-committal way she could. “Good.”
You snickered at her response to your simple question, “Seems like it was more than just ‘good’.”
“Well….”
Yeonmi sighed, leaning back into the cushions properly as she got comfortable and thats how you knew you had her.
“Come on, give me the details!” You disregarded your fatigue, slapping her arm playfully to convince her to spill. She laughed at your eagerness, a laugh that was laced with girlish merriment, and rubbed the back of her neck, the smile on her face not slipping from its place even once.
“It was amazing,” she confessed, much to your delight. “God, I don’t think I’ve ever had such a great date.”
You had witnessed her stressing over this date of hers since yesterday and had caught glimpses of her nerves this morning before you left for work. To help ease those nerves, you had helped pick out her outfit, made sure to respond to every one of her manic texts to you between work and called her back during your break. You were overjoyed that it had gone well for her.
This was the first date she had gone on in an entire year after her last relationship had come to an end. It was a messy breakup, leaving you with an extremely shaken Yeonmi who, in her grief, had vowed to never love someone again. Thankfully, that phase was one she got over quickly, and you were proud of how she had managed to heal and put herself out there once again.
God knows you had tried and failed.
She began describing her evening, starting with how her extremely charming date had already been waiting at the restaurant they had agreed upon. She had met this man on a dating app- the name of which she refused to tell you unless it turned out to be more than just a dead end, and after a few weeks of talking, they had finally decided to go on a date, something she had been anticipating for a while now. You listened, squealing and giggling along with her at the appropriate times to reciprocate her evident excitement.
“And you know what was so cute?” She continued, talking a little faster now that she had warmed up and was in the thick of describing the date. “He seemed a little distracted like he was just as nervous as I was about the entire thing, and that just put me to ease, you know? A suave guy is nice and all, and don’t get me wrong, he was confident, but that slight nervousness showed me that he liked me as well.”
Her gushing was endearing, and you nodded with a smile. “He sounds perfect.”
“Oh he’s an absolute dreamboat Y/n, seriously, I don’t know where or how I managed to stumble upon him, but I must have done something good in my past life to deserve this.”
You placed your now empty glass on the little table next to the couch, settling in closer to her. “You always do good, you had this good karma coming.”
“Oh I forgot to tell you the best part,” She looked at you with a serious look on her face, but her eyes were practically twinkling. “He likes Taylor Swift. He was singing along to her songs when he dropped me home.”
Your jaw dropped. “Now I know he really is perfect.” You grinned, the expression quickly morphing into a yawn as your exhaustion finally caught up to you again, and in good timing, considering she had finished talking about her date. She looked over at the clock and then back at you.
“You should go to bed, you’ve had a long day.”
You wholeheartedly agreed with this suggestion, stood up on your feet and stretched your arms out above your head. “Yeah, I think I’m gonna call it a night here.” Picking up your bag that had been strewn out across the floor, you walked to the doorway that led to your room, before turning around and facing her once again.
“Hey, one last thing.”
She gazed up at you in the midst of removing her earrings and hummed in acknowledgement, “Hmm?”
“What’s his name?”
“Huh?”
“You never told me his name,” You shook your head in amusement. “I think you were too caught up in all your excitement.” For the past half an hour, she had just been referring to him in only pronouns, something you had just realised.
“Oh,” her lips formed an ‘o’ shape in surprise at herself. “Donghyuck. His name is Lee Donghyuck.”
And just like that, your entire world fell apart.
It's funny how a simple name can knock the air out of your lungs.
That was an understatement. That name– his name– was anything but simple. The three syllables that constituted it stood for so much, things said and left unsaid, buried in the grave of your mind.
The unadulterated shock you felt at the name she uttered caused your already aching legs to feel even more unstable than they did, and your knees nearly gave out underneath you. You steadied yourself by leaning against the doorframe, a shaky breath escaping your lips as an emotion that you hadn’t felt so strongly in a very long time ripped through you.
Despair.
No. No, it couldn’t be–
For a moment, you could almost see his eyes looking at you, one moment with such affection and the next with more sorrow than you could ever begin to describe. I’m sorry.
“Y/n?”
You gripped the doorframe, feeling as if the rug had been swept from right under your feet, and focused your eyes on Yeonmi on the couch, who was now staring at you in concern. “Are you okay?”
How many times had you lied while answering this question when it came to him? You had lost count, so there wouldn’t be any harm in doing it once more. Sucking in a harsh gulp of air that hit the back of your throat, you forced a smile. “Yep. Goodnight.”
You choked out the words, spun on your heel and stumbled to your door, grabbing and twisting the doorknob in haste, your entire body weight leaning on the door as it swung open. Practically tripping over your own feet, you shut it quickly, both hands fastened to the knob as you rested your forehead against the door, using it as support for your body that suddenly seemed several pounds heavier.
It had been eight years since you had heard another person say his name, the sound of it cutting through reality itself, digging into your skin and latching onto it. Perhaps that was the cause of excess weight that seemed to drag you down at the very moment.
Fuck.
You took a minute to wonder what God was sitting above and laughing at your sorry state.
Using the door behind your back as a guide, you slid down to the ground, pulling your knees closer to your chest and interlocking your fingers in front of them, forming your very own cocoon. You pathetically hoped that it would shield you from the torrent of your own emotions.
Rationally speaking, this was most definitely a coincidence. You were sure that there were several people around the world with the first name ‘Donghyuck’ and last name ‘Lee’ – after all, it was a pretty common last name to have. The chances of this guy, Yeonmi’s perfect dreamy date being your Donghyuck were extremely improbable.
Your Donghyuck. You almost laughed bitterly. He hadn’t been your Donghyuck for a long, long time.
You didn’t know if he had ever truly been yours to begin with.
I’m so sorry, Y/n.
You closed your eyes and tried to steady your breathing, only to snap them open immediately when the image of his eyes once again rippled through the forefront of your mind.
This was ridiculous, you knew, the extremity of your reaction was wholly uncalled for. It had been eight years and one would think you would have been better at controlling your emotions, especially when it came to something, someone, that was so heavily stuck in the past.
It turned out that you were also stuck in the past. The way your legs resembled those of a newborn giraffe a few minutes ago was enough proof of that.
A groan escaped you, one that was a mix of frustration and distress. You couldn’t quite place the new ache that had emerged in your chest, a dull throb that felt icy cold, yet strangely familiar. You reasoned with yourself, your thoughts waging a silent war among each other as you laid out all the reasons why it couldn’t and wouldn’t be the man that lingered in your life like a poltergeist you didn’t have the energy to exercise.
You could hear the soft padding of Yeonmi's footsteps outside your door as she made her way to her own room and the soft click of her lock as she retired for the night. Slowly, you let yourself relax and mentally gather all the strength you possessed right then to pick yourself up from the ground and carry yourself to your bed, the usually short walk feeling like a thousand steps away. The soft cotton sheets welcomed your weary body, alleviating the weight that currently sat upon your shoulders and providing you with some temporary relief.
It was late, and it never did anyone any good to think about things beyond their control in the intimidating silence of the night. Letting your eyes close for real this time, you turned onto your side and tried to quiet your mind.
But there was still a small part of you that thought back to then.
ii] then.
He liked cookies-and-cream flavoured ice cream.
You gripped the complimentary wooden spoon that came with the cup of ice cream you bought from the convenience store, staring at the slightly melted ice cream that you held with your other hand. Donghyuck was just about done with his, a triumphant smile creeping up on his face every time he glanced at you.
“I told you.”
“Don’t gloat.”
“But your reactions are so cute,” he teased, taking another spoonful of his ice cream. Your biology class had a pop quiz that day, and Donghyuck had tried to help you with an answer you weren’t too sure about. However, his answer sounded even more incorrect than yours, and he made you promise to buy him ice cream if he ended up being correct. “I told you the right answer but no, you insisted you were right and lost the mark.”
The compliment stung a little, or perhaps that was just the summer heat prickling the back of your neck.
“I’m not affected by that,” you huffed, “I’m wondering why you chose such cheap ice cream of all the ones you could have. We just got it and mine’s already melting.”
He shrugged. “It’s not the ice cream that matters, just the fact that you had to buy it for me to symbolise me being right.”
“But there's a Häagen-Dazs right down the street. Sakura and Chenle would have immediately made me buy them that.” Your protests and comparisons seemed to fall on deaf ears as he continued to enjoy his ice cream soup, leaving you to roll your eyes at his flippancy.
“I don’t want to run you dry, now do I?” That surprised you, and it was apparent to him by the bewildered look in your now-wide eyes. Whenever you offered to pay for your other friends, they always jumped at the chance to exploit you to the best of their abilities, taking full advantage of the opportunity.
There truly wasn’t anyone like Lee Donghyuck.
You weren’t quite sure how the friendship between the two of you had blossomed, for it had been such a natural thing that it completely slipped you by. The occasional hello turned into walking in the hallways to classes together, texting each other and hanging out after school while eating cheap ice cream. It was just so easy with him, activities you would find boring with others were enjoyable in his presence.
It was unfathomable, how everything about him was so captivating. He carried himself with an effortless aura, as if unaware of how magnetic and goddamn beautiful he was because he truly was one of the most stunning people you had ever set your eyes upon in your short life. Oftentimes, you would catch yourself just admiring the gentle slope of his nose and rise of his cheekbones, and how his hair fell so perfectly.
And how could you forget his eyes, ones that you had the privilege of being under the gaze of, more so than others? His eyes were your favourite part of him, they left you mesmerised with their fiery intensity and simultaneous gentleness.
“Your ice cream has completely melted,” he pointed out, nudging your side lightly with his elbow, effectively snapping you out of your self-induced reverie. You looked at your cup, the realisation that you had been aimlessly stirring its contents hitting you.
“Oh.”
“What were you daydreaming about now?” He asked, mirth lacing his voice as he looked on at you affectionately. Over the past few weeks that he had been growing closer to you in, he had started picking up on your little habits.
You bit the inside of your cheek, “Nothing.”
“If you’re going to lie, at least make it believable,” he cocked an eyebrow. “You were staring at me weirdly.”
Warmth flooded your cheeks, you had been caught due to your carelessness, and yet you couldn’t help but feel a little offended at his choice of words. “Weirdly?”
The edge to your voice gave away how you felt at that moment, and alarmed, Donghyuck shook his head, tossing the empty plastic cup in the recycle bin next to him. “No– well yes– but not in a bad way! Good weird.” In truth, he liked taking up your attention, he would sit forever to dissect the flecks of gold that appeared in your eyes when the sun's rays fell into them, and the lingering emotion he couldn’t quite explain.
“Good weird,” you repeated softly, looking away from him and letting that sink in. The apples of his cheeks were a light rosy shade now as he fidgeted, hoping he had successfully mitigated any possible insult he had accidentally bestowed upon you. He truly hadn’t meant to, there wasn’t an ounce of weirdness about the situation in the slightest, except for the muddled feeling that settled in the pit of his stomach when you looked at him like that.
“You’re the weird one,” you deadpanned finally, and he shrugged in resignment, plucking the cup out of your hands, much to your displeasure, “Hey, I’m not done–”
“There’s no point in finishing this, it’s not ice cream anymore.”
It landed next to his cookies-and-cream cup in the bin, his matter-of-fact words flying into the wind. You didn’t bother arguing, letting your hands fall limply to your sides as you looked at him again, noting how the orange glow of the sky crept through the strands of his hair, framing his head like he was a saint of some sort.
“I’ll walk you home,” he stated, taking a few steps before stopping and turning around, waiting for you to join him. He was dependable and someone to trust, you thought briefly, biting back a smile at him. Donghyuck pushed down the fluster that was creeping up on him again.
The sunset over your little town, painting the sky in more brilliant colours as the two of you walked underneath it, knuckles silently brushing against each other as it faded to black.
Donghyuck walked into his house, a Taylor Swift song playing through the headphones that he currently had on. While he had been walking you home, the two of you had engaged in a lively conversation about the different musical artists you each enjoyed, which eventually spiralled into an entire monologue on your end about why you loved the aforementioned singer so much. He found the way you spoke so animatedly, your voice brimming with passion and insistence, extremely adorable, and clearly, you had excellent convincing abilities because there he was, listening to her.
He slipped off his shoes, placed them by the door and sighed. The hallway of his new house felt nothing like a home, but the feeling of unfamiliarity that came with it was all too customary for him.
“Donghyuck?”
His mother's lilting voice reached his ears from where she was, and he followed it. “I’m home.”
“Oh good, good,” she came into view as he made his way into the kitchen, slipping the headphones around his neck and opening a cupboard to get himself a glass. “I was thinking we could watch a movie today. I don’t have any work right now.”
He poured himself some water, thinking over her offer. He knew her intentions were good, she just wanted to spend time with her son and his answer should have been a yes, but he shook his head anyway. “I have a lot of homework to finish.”
“Oh.” She tried her best to disguise the disappointment that laced her voice for his sake, but he could hear it as clear as day. “Alright, I’ll call you when dinner is ready.”
He nodded, finished his water and walked upstairs to his room, taking two steps at a time to reach there as quickly as possible. Pushing the door open, he reached a hand out to the switchboard and then hesitated.
Donghyuck didn’t know which switches corresponded with anything.
For some people, this was an inconvenience at best, but for him, it was a sentiment he was unfortunately very used to. A painful reminder of the unpredictability his life had always possessed. In his last house, he had just about figured out the pattern of which switches were for specific items, but now he was once again left feeling stranded.
And he couldn’t help but blame his mother for it.
It was the same cycle playing out before him again, the move and the new town, the new faces that he knew would probably not mean much to him in a year when he found himself in a new place, thinking about how he wished that just once, he would be allowed to enjoy the trivial luxury of knowing the switches well enough.
One would think he’d be used to all the moving, but then again, he was just a teenager.
He also knew it wasn’t truly his mother’s fault – she was simply doing what she needed to in order to support the both of them and being a single mother was no doubt hard on her – but Donghyuck was only sixteen. It was much easier to criticise and resent her than to try and understand for what seemed like the hundredth time. He had been so understanding for so long, that now even the concept of trying to be sympathetic sounded exhausting.
Every year he’d walk through life without caring much for anyone he came across. Friendships didn’t mean anything to him for they were so fleeting, and the people who promised to stay in contact with him would stop calling and texting within two weeks of him moving. He had realised that letting himself get attached to someone was a waste of time and energy he didn’t have anymore, and had slowly taught himself to isolate himself so that every move didn’t hurt as much.
So why was it that for the first time in what felt like a long time, he felt a pinch in his heart when he thought about moving again?
And why was it your face flickering through his mind that seemed to cause it?
In complete and unadulterated truth, he had never felt such a pull towards someone as he did to you. It had always been so easy for him to keep people at a distance, but with you, he forgot about having to do that. If anything, he wanted to keep you as close as possible. You were something he hadn’t accounted for.
He flicked the first switch on. The fan whirred to life.
Donghyuck would learn the pattern soon enough.
iii] now.
The days passed quickly as they usually did, you pushed any lingering doubts about the man Yeonmi was dating to the far periphery of your mind, burying yourself in your work. You were working towards a promotion you had had your eye on for a while now, and it was more important than anything else.
But it was hard not to notice the little things that had changed about Yeonmi, the way she smiled more and how you’d often catch her hiding a grin when she glanced at her phone. It was difficult to ignore how she’d dress up and go on her dates, especially when she so often asked for your opinion and help, and you were forced to swallow your pride and assist her.
You were being idiotic, you knew, which was why you reminded yourself that this could not have been the boy you once knew.
You sighed, shutting your laptop and placing your hands on the edge of your desk, pushing yourself to your feet and stretching. It was technically your day off, but you were still swarmed with online meetings and a few dozen emails that you had to send out. Letting your hands fall, you pulled at the hair tie around your wrist and gathered your hair into a ponytail, walking away from your home desk and walking to your bed.
It was getting pretty late and Yeonmi still wasn’t home. From what you knew, she had gone to a dinner party her date had invited her to, and she had warned you she would be late and to not stay up, but it was in your genes to worry. You wouldn’t get sleep until you knew she was safe and at home in one piece anyway.
But you supposed shutting your eyes for a few minutes wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Just as you were about to slip into a slumber, you heard the faintest clicking of the door to your apartment, and along with the unmistakable peal of Yeonmi’s laughter, it woke you up. Blinking rapidly, you forced yourself to leave the comfort of your linen sheets and get to your feet, rubbing your eyes in order to wake yourself up a little bit and grabbing the robe you hung behind your door to combat the slight chill that the midnight air possessed before making your way to the living room.
You flicked the switch on as you walked into the room, squinting in discomfort at the sudden shift of lighting, lips parting in surprise.
There at the doorway stood an extremely giggly Yeonmi, the smile on her face looking like it had been tattooed on her lips, an arm placed against the wall to make sure she didn’t fall over, the other stuck in an attempt to take off one of her heels. When she failed and almost stumbled, another giggle left her, apparently unaware of the fact she was about to fall over.
Alarm rang through you as you took a panicked step forward, instinctively reaching out to try and catch her even though you weren’t close enough to do so. “Yeon-”
“I got you”
You froze as an arm slipped around her waist, pulling her back to her previous position and steadying her, and while you were glad your roommate’s fate of faceplanting into the wooden flooring had been thwarted, it was the last thing on your mind.
The first was that voice.
You knew it like the back of your hand, and no matter long it had been, you would never forget it. Even if it had changed a little, a little deeper than it used to sound eight years ago, unfamiliar with the amount of time that had passed and yet so recognizable for you.
Faltering, you slowly shifted your line of sight up to catch a glimpse of the person, only for him to do the exact same thing, presumably as a response to you saying your roommate's name and it was like everything around you had paused just for this moment.
You knew those eyes.
Eyes that were currently filled with swirls of confusion and surprise, only to rapidly thaw into a horrified look of realisation, his arm around another girl that just happened to have been the very one you had to face every morning.
The world truly did have a cruel sense of humour. You stared back at him, unable to tear your vision away from him no matter what you did.
Lee Donghyuck, in the flesh after eight long years.
It was almost unsettling, how he looked the exact same he used to. Of course, there were differences, but they were all superficial in nature. His hair was cut slightly differently, no longer in the neater hairstyle he had kept as a teenager but a little longer at the back. He was wearing clothes you had never seen before, but that was to be expected, and he had his arm around someone that was decidedly not you.
But other than that, it was him. Those stupid, splendid eyes of his, those very features that had been burned into your memory and had stubbornly refused to leave no matter how hard you tried to evict them.
It felt as if someone was standing right on your chest, relentless in their approach and crushing your lungs, every pint of air inside it being zapped out as if it was never needed there in the first place. You briefly entertained the idea of walking back into your room and staying there for the next ten years.
“Y/n!”
The spell cast upon the two of you had successfully been broken by your intoxicated roommate, who, in her state, had absolutely no perception of social cues at the moment, and certainly not of the thick tension that had descended upon your living room. She broke out of his grasp, stumbling towards you without even a semblance of grace and threw her arms around your neck in a death grip of a hug, only succeeding in contributing towards your current breathing problems.
Taken aback by her rather abrupt display of affection, you awkwardly pat her back a couple of times, managing to choke out the words, “Thats me.” Your attempt at adding a jovial lilt to your voice royally failed because the only thing on your mind was something rather embarrassing.
It was how absolutely terrible you probably looked right then.
It was silly no doubt, for you to be pondering your appearance at that specific point in time. If you were morally a better person, perhaps you would have been thinking about how you were relieved that Yeonmi was safe, but the only thing you could think of was the fact that your hair most definitely looked like a nest and that you were dressed in a ratty old sweatshirt that you had owned since your freshman year of college and pyjama pants.
They had peppa pig on them. If not for the fact that they were the most comfortable thing you owned, you would have burned them after this.
“Oh, right,” she giggled when she pulled away and saw your eyes trained on the man she had brought with her, hands on your shoulders to make sure she didn’t fall, “This is Donghyuck!”
You glanced at her and then back at him, trying desperately to swallow the lump in your throat. “Right.”
Right? You mentally cussed yourself out for that lacklustre response and cleared your throat in order to save yourself. “Nice to meet you.”
Maybe he didn’t realise you caught the split second of confusion that passed through his eyes, but you had, catching yourself before you winced out of mild guilt for putting him in such a difficult position. Nevertheless, he played along like he was in on the plan all along, straightening up and responding.
“It’s nice to meet you too.”
Two strangers by choice met again that night, heartstrings that had once been intertwined and subsequently torn apart to die out, reviving with just a simple glance and a few words. He looked at you and you looked at him, forgetting for a moment that the girl standing between the two of you was the biggest obstacle of them all.
And for just a moment there, you were sixteen.
Donghyuck left a few minutes later, once awkward goodbye’s had been exchanged and Yeonmi was safely in your care, sipping on a large glass of water in her bed.
Being around him again, even if it had only been for a few meagre minutes, had completely shattered your self-composure. Your heart was beating too quickly, your adrenaline was on an all-time high and your ability to be discreet had evaded you entirely, resulting in times when you caught yourself looking at him a beat too long.
He seemed to be having the exact opposite reaction, barely even looking at you after the initial shock of it being you standing there wore off. His eyes seemed to be glued to your tipsy roommate, talking to her in a gentle tone as he bid her farewell and promised to message her the next day.
The fact that he seemed so normal infuriated you a little bit. It shouldn’t have, you knew that very well, but you simply couldn’t understand how you were a certified mess while he seemed to be so composed, acting as if you weren’t even there. It was wholly childish to expect him to be stuck on you, but then again, you had suffered that very fate, so why couldn’t have he?
And so there you were, sitting on the edge of Yeonmi’s bed, wide awake as you watched her finish her water, just barely making out the emotion that had resurfaced within you- the green-eyed monster responsible for your churning stomach with every look at your friend.
Why?
Because the way he had taken care of her tonight was all too reminiscent of how he used to do the same for you.
“What do you think of him?”
Her words were only slightly slurred now, and you blinked, registering her question. She stared at you expectantly, eagerly awaiting your judgement over her date.
“He’s nice.”
She frowned. “That’s it? Nice?”
You shut your eyes, desperately wishing you could skip over this question somehow, but when you opened them she was evidently still waiting for you to finish. You breathed in.
Now, what did you think of Lee Donghyuck?
You had thought Donghyuck was the most wonderful person you had ever met when you were a teenager, the one person who everything seemed so natural with. He was someone you thought was home, a best friend and a lover all rolled into one. But he had eyes that tortured you, a past interlaced so intricately with yours that lingered to this very day and connections to someone unbearably close to you in the present.
Yeonmi placed her glass on her bedside table and sighed contentedly. “I really like him, Y/n.”
You hadn’t heard her say something like that about a guy since her last relationship, and she had the same simper on her face that she did back then too. There was no way you could bring yourself to even think about attempting to ruin that.
You breathed out.
“I think he’s great,” you started, fingers curling around her cotton bedsheets and squeezing, doing your utmost best to keep your voice level. “He was really good with you tonight.”
The bitter irony of it all hit you, how the guy that let Yeonmi finally move on was the very same that made it impossible for you to do so. Her smile widened while your stomach grew heavier, dragging you down as you walked to your own room later that night, your dreams tainted with images of a boy you once loved and a stranger who looked the same.
iv] then.
Being sick did not suit you.
To say that you were miserable was an understatement. If one had to accurately describe what the situation felt like to you, they would have to include a bit about you feeling as if you were losing your mind. You did not appreciate the light-headedness that you experienced everything you stood up, or the throbbing head and blocked nose.
You definitely didn’t like being stuck in your bed practically all day.
Slumped against your pillow and underneath your sheets, you sighed for what must have been the twentieth time that minute. At first, you had no problem with being able to skip a day of school, thinking that you would have a relaxing day of rest. This, of course, included catching up and binge-watching all your favourite shows and taking a well-deserved nap to catch up on sleep that your chemistry teacher had stolen from you via the dozens of assignments she gave out every week.
Your glorious plans came to a stark halt when your mother decided that you needed to rest your eyes to get better, which meant that you had been forbidden even thinking about opening your laptop or staring at your phone for too long. This had left you to your own devices, and once you had slept for two hours, the ability to do so seemed to disappear.
Staring at the ceiling grew old pretty quickly.
The soft creaking of the door to your room had you quickly drop your phone and haphazardly push it underneath the blanket, plastering on the most innocent look you could as you stared expectantly, waiting for your mother to come into your view. She did, a glimmer of satisfaction appearing in her eyes at the sight of you without any electronics around you.
“How are you feeling now?”
“Better.” Your answer elicited a smile from her, and she continued, unaware of how you had disobeyed her orders and hidden the evidence.
“Great, because you have a guest.” She opened your door further to reveal your guest and there stood Donghyuck, his school bag slung over his shoulder as he looked into your room, offering you a smile and a small wave.
You stared back at him, relief and mild horror washing through you at the same time somehow, wholly displeased at the fact that he was looking at you while you barely resembled a human being. The Kleenex visible at the end of your bed did nothing to soothe your embarrassment. The relief stemmed from the fact that perhaps the only reason you had not been too pleased about missing a day of school was that you wouldn’t see Donghyuck.
Well, at least that was sorted.
“Sakura told me you were sick,” he explained as your mother left, walking into your room and looking around. Suddenly, you were ever so slightly embarrassed by the pictures you had stuck up on your wall in the fifth grade, knowing that you were smiling a toothy grin in each and every one of them. While you hoped he wouldn’t stare at them too intently, you noticed the small brown paper bag he was holding.
Seeing the raise of your eyebrow, he grabbed the chair next to your desk and dragged it towards your bed, sitting down and keeping the bag on your bedside table. “So I got you something to cheer you up.”
Your curiosity was piqued by that, and you sat up straighter, eyeing the bag even more intently now. Donghyuck bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from smiling too hard because of how adorable you were, your nose and cheeks tinged due to whatever sickness you had been afflicted with, but your eyes were still lively. Deciding to put you out of your misery, he took out the contents from the bag, carefully watching for your reaction.
And you did disappoint in the slightest, the sides of your mouth curling upwards in joy at the fact that he had gotten you your favourite doughnut and drink. The fact that he remembered it exactly made you grin the same grin you had plastered on your walls, taking the food from him and watching as he brought out his own favourite combination.
“I fucking love you,” you declared, overjoyed at having something with actual flavour to eat that day, before realising the words that had left your lips. Quickly, you took a bite out of the doughnut to cover it up and make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. And it shouldn’t have been because friends said those three words to each other all the time. It was normal.
Right?
Of course, most friends did not feel their hearts beating rapidly every time the other person was near.
Donghyuck caught what you said, and for a moment it felt as if there was a lump in his throat. It wasn’t a new feeling when it came to you, the hesitancy to say something came and went as did his nerves around you. Swallowing heavily, he forced out, “Oh so you love me when I get you food. Got it.”
The teasing tone of his voice helped you relax, but if you had glanced at his face you would have realised it didn’t match his expression, which was just as tense as you were due to your slight slip-up. He couldn’t help but hope there was a hint of genuine truth in the statement.
“Shut the fuck up.”
And with that, the tension dissipated. He took a bite out of his donut and you took a sip of your drink. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable or awkward by any means, but you felt the need to fill it anyway.
“It’s not just because you bought me food, okay?” You began earnestly. “You’ve also always been there for me. I appreciate that more than you know.” Then you paused, but not for long, adding to your previous statements, “But doughnuts definitely don’t hurt, so you’ve made a sick girl very happy. Thank you.”
When you finished, you found him looking at you with an inexplicable look on his visage. The softness to his gaze had a flush rapidly rise up your neck, the simper playing on his lips laced with a hint of mirth. It was then you realised you had said a lot of nothing to him in the span of five minutes, igniting embarrassment to bubble up inside of you.
God, you would never understand how he managed to do this to you without doing anything at all.
“Sorry,” you mumbled. “I’m rambling. My dad says it’s a bad habit I need to get rid of.”
You mentally chastised yourself. There you were once again, giving him even more information he definitely didn’t ask for. In fact, in the past ten minutes, Donghyuck hadn’t said a word, it had just been you speaking. Burying under your covers to hide yourself was the first thing you wanted to do, but that would have made you look like even more of an idiot.
Why did you care so much about what he thought? The two of you were friends, he was probably closer to you than your other friends you had known since the first grade, and yet you were so deathly scared of somehow weirding him out or saying something wrong.
If only you knew what was going through his mind at that second, the sheer fondness for you that had taken over his every thought. The amount of affection he held for you was something he had never felt for anyone else before and due to that, he often forced himself to not think too much about it.
Most people had their first crushes at younger ages, but not Donghyuck. At first, he thought that he was weird, but then attributed his apparent lack of feelings to not staying long enough in one place to get attached to anyone.
Then he met you, and your existence itself rebuked that entire theory. He had only known you for a little over three months, and although this was the first time he had ever thought about someone like this, he wasn’t confused in the slightest. It was never about being able to stick around for enough time, it was just that none of them were you.
“You could talk for hours and I’d never get bored.”
The silence hanging over both of your heads was broken with that singular statement of his, melting away your nerves and replacing them with a pesky, fluttery feeling in the pit of your stomach. You blinked, processing what he had said and wondered if the butterflies in your stomach were a result of the seemingly noncommittal comment or nausea from your sickness.
You had been a talkative person all your life, often getting into mild trouble at school for not being able to shut up. You had been told to quiet down or that your voice was too loud so many times that you had lost count, and something you had grown increasingly afraid of was accidentally boring someone by being too obnoxious on accident, leading to you apologising every time you realised what you were doing.
But not one person had ever said something so lovely to you. Never had they managed to completely dissolve that insecurity with just a few words.
“Oh,” was all you managed to get out in response. The butterflies seemed to increase in regards to the size of their swarm. He grinned.
“Somehow that made you shut up though.”
Rolling your eyes, you looked away and bit the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from smiling as hard as you wanted to. “Fuck off Donghyuck,” you puffed out your cheeks slightly. “You’re so lame.”
“Oh, so you want me to leave?” He got to his feet as if challenging you, and you snapped your head back, shaking it vigorously. If you had taken notice of the coy nature of his voice, you made no motion to show it.
“No, please don’t leave me. I've been sitting here alone all day. I’m this close to going insane.” You pinched your index finger and thumb together, pursing your lips in an indignant pout to put your point across effectively. This elicited a laugh from the boy, who promptly sat back down at your request, scooting even closer than before.
And you resumed your conversation, talking late into that evening. He filled you in on the happenings of the day at school (which was followed by your complaints about how everything fun happened only on the days you were absent somehow) and you finished your doughnuts, stealing a few bites from his as well. You bickered and laughed at his stupid jokes, going off once again into one of your famous tangents with him patiently sitting through them. Your other friends hadn’t shown up to check on you, but he had, and that was enough for you.
All you did was talk, but somehow he made you feel better by just listening.
Libraries were, in your eyes at least, magical spaces where time itself seemed to take a pause while you sat within them. The atmosphere of your local one that you visited often was unmatched, whether you were there to borrow books or to sit and study for a test.
This particular library was absolutely gorgeous, with older design choices and architecture that gave it a more regal feel, something right out of Dead Poets Society. You could spend entire days there being productive, and every time you visited, you always left with a smile.
The librarian was also extremely sweet and knew you by name, but that was to be expected considering you had been going there since you were ten years old. You walked in, giving her a polite wave and smile as you found your seat, settling in and arranging your study material. You were determined to tackle a particularly arduous unit of economics today in preparation for a class test you had coming up.
Your seat was towards the back of the library, next to one of the large arching windows and the optimal distance away from a fan in a corner. It was cosy enough to keep you focused on whatever you were doing that day while also giving you the best view of the library in its entirety, making it your go-to spot.
It was due to this splendid view that you saw a certain Lee Donghyuck walk in.
He stopped in the middle, those eyes of his scanning the large room until they fell upon you. They lit up- something you could see happen even from the distance away you were and he began making his way towards your spot.
Oh, dear. It seemed like you wouldn’t be getting any work done after all.
Donghyuck slid into the seat right opposite you, and you nodded in acknowledgment, looking back at the screen of your laptop. He looked at you for a moment before opening the book he had gotten with him.
And now for some reason, even though you were in the most optimal spot in the library that always produced productivity from you, your attention was directed away from your work and towards the beguiling boy across from you. You weren’t quite sure how you felt about him not glancing at you at all right then, or why you were so perturbed by it.
Shaking it off, you once again turned your attention to the wonders of Alfred Marshall. Your method of memorisation was taking notes, or rather, scribbling down whatever was on the slides your teacher had put together and hoping for the best.
And it was then you heard the distinct slapping of a shutting book. “I’m bored.”
You bit the inside of your cheek to curb the smile that always seemed to make a show around Donghyuck, and raised an eyebrow in question.
In a whisper, he continued, “This book fucking sucks. I gave it a chance because Seulgi insisted I had to read it, but I really can’t get through a page without wanting to take a nap.” The droll look on his face almost made you laugh. “Do you happen to know where it belongs? I haven’t quite figured out the library yet.”
You nodded, getting to your feet and cocking your head to signal him to do the same. He fell into step with you as you led him to the fiction section in the back, and making sure to keep your voice low, you asked, “Seulgi has been talking to you a lot lately, hasn’t she?”
Every syllable of your sentence had been laced with forced nonchalance, and you didn’t dare look at him even once, turning into where you guessed the book would have belonged. He hummed lightly, following you dutifully.
“I guess so.”
Kang Seulgi was one of the more popular girls in your grade, well known for being in the cheerleading team. You hadn’t interacted with her very much, but from the few times your paths had crossed, she had always been very polite, leaving you with the impression that she was a sweet person. To tell the truth, Donghyuck was also talked about quite a bit, but you weren’t surprised about that in the slightest. He was a sight to behold, even if he didn’t know it himself.
So naturally, Seulgi had introduced herself to him and had begun to talk to him a lot more. You remembered when he told you she had sent him a follow request and then slid into his DM's, and him asking you to help him with how to respond since he had essentially nothing in common with the girl.
Now look, it wasn’t as if you were jealous or anything, truly, there was nothing for you to be jealous over anyway considering there wasn’t anything between you and Donghyuck. He was allowed to talk to whoever he wanted and take their stupid little literary recommendations.
Okay, so maybe you were a little jealous, but you really shouldn’t have been. You knew you were his closest friend, but maybe you were jealous because while you were his friend, Seulgi had approached him with intentions that were very obviously the opposite of an innocent friendship.
“Fun,” you muttered under your breath, successfully failing your own unbothered claims, stopping in front of a shelf and holding your hand out. “Book.”
He handed you the book, immediately noticing the shift in your mood, even if it was only slight. You glanced at the cover and frowned, pushing it in the gap in between all the books and staring intently at the other title, evidently looking for another one you had just thought he would enjoy, before realising it was sitting on one of the higher shelves in mild dismay.
The silence bothered him a little. “It really is an ass book.”
Now, although this made you feel a little better, the feeling of slight stupidity that came along with it cancelled it out. The book you wanted to give him was just out of your reach, but you were much too proud to ask for his help after replying so curtly to him when it wasn’t necessary.
So you went onto your tiptoes, reaching out your hand in an attempt to get said book down, only for your fingers to barely brush against the wood of the shelf. This resulted in you almost stumbling a little, letting out a soft sound of frustration.
Donghyuck watched you in amusement, watching you try once again and still failing.
“Need some help there?”
“Nope,” you said a little too quickly, jumping a little now and just about touching the book’s spine.
He snickered to himself and moved until he was right behind you, easily finding the book and slipping it out of the shelf, making a point to hold it entirely out of your reach and asking languidly. “Are you sure about that?”
Donghyuck knew he had bested you. He was toying with that fact, enjoying having you in the palm of his hands to play with- but not in a malicious way.
You looked up at him, taking note of the way he was looking back at you. You took note of the triumphant look in his eyes, filled with amusement at your current struggle. That very amusement laced his lips as well, shaping them into an infuriating little smirk that had you catching your breath.
And subtlety had never been your strong suit, and it wasn’t about to start being so, much to your misfortune. Your eyes were trained to his lips, and this time, Donghyuck noticed.
He also noticed the minimal space between the two of you, and how if he just leaned forward ever so slightly…
It came to his attention right then and there, in the back of that library against the mahogany shelves, that he wanted to kiss you.
The thought had crossed the periphery of his mind before- the first time it did had taken him by abrupt surprise, seeing that he had never wished to kiss someone before. With you, the urge grew a little every day, and right then it was stronger than the last time. He was sixteen without the experience of his first kiss, and he had never thought too much about it before considering it was never in his list of priorities, but with you around? God.
And he had the feeling that maybe, just maybe, you were thinking of it too.
You were practically trapped in his embrace at that very point, pressed up slightly against the books as you stood there, your breathing going shallow in anticipation. It was questionable, just how easily he had disarmed you without even doing anything, and there you were, decidedly losing your cool for no apparent reason other than the fact that he was so close by. What was it again that he had asked you?
Oh right.
“I’m sure,” your voice came out small-sounding and meek, averting your eyes away from his face and down to your feet, gazing intently at the stitching of your shoes. “You can keep that. I was trying to get it down for you anyway.”
The spell was broken when he took a step away from you, clearing his throat in order to cut through the heavy air that had settled in between the two of you. He brought his hand down and studied the cover of the book, raising an eyebrow in question. “Why?”
“Because it’s infinitely more interesting than whatever the fuck Seulgi made you read.”
He bit the inside of his cheek, this time definitely noticing the hostile tone that came with your uttering of the girls' name. As hard as you had tried to exude indifference to the matter of the book, you had miserably failed, this being proved by your incessant need to one-up her literary recommendation.
But he thought it was endearing, and flipped the book over, skimming the excerpt at the back. You waited patiently for his verdict, alternating between looking at him and to your side, peering out the window.
“Okay,” He murmured, “I trust you enough to give it a shot.”
Pleased with this, you nodded and began making your way back to your table. It shouldn’t have made you as happy as it did, seeing that he had also seemingly trusted Seulgi enough to try the book she had mentioned, but that didn’t really matter to you.
The two of you settled back down in your seats, and he opened the book up. You scoffed slightly at his newly acquired focused state, resuming your previous work now that he was occupied. Perhaps you’d be able to focus now.
Though you knew, with him around, that would never be the case.
v] now.
“Do we really need these many snacks?”
Yeonmi waved her hand in your general direction to invalidate your question, adjusting one of the bowls that contained popcorn on the small table in the middle of your living room to accommodate the one with gummy bears.
“You can never have too many snacks,” she reasoned with you, stepping back and admiring her work. There on the table sat a selection of candy and salty-snacks, a cornucopia of unhealthy that was at the level of enjoyable. “Besides, it’s the first official time Donghyuck is coming over- any minute now, might I add- and I want it to be perfect.”
Oh right. You swallowed to avoid any sort of reaction making itself known, walking over and inspecting all that she had gotten. Gummy bears, popcorn, mini pretzels, chips- it was leaning towards being stronger on the salty side of things. “Are you sure you want me to stay? I can always sleep over at Chaewon’s.”
Much to your dismay, Yeonmi shook her head, shutting down your offer.
“It’s fine, I want you to be around. He’s going to have to get used to you being around anyway, and I would love it if you guys ended up being friends.” Her words pricked your skin, and unaware of this fact she continued on. “I have a feeling that you would really get along.”
If only she knew. You forced a smile.
“Oh, I think we should have another flavour of popcorn. Cheese?” She turned to face you, expectantly waiting on your answer. You hummed, shaking your head.
“Caramel.” Donghyuck had always gravitated towards sweets, so you knew he would enjoy that better. Yeonmi rushed into the kitchen to arrange for said popcorn, and you sat down on the couch, staring at the blank television screen in slight retirement, wondering how life had managed to corner you into such a situation.
Ever since the day he dropped your roommate home in her drunken state, you often thought about that bitter reunion between the two of you, cringing every time at the recollection of your decision to pretend that he was a stranger. You recalled the confusion stirring in those still-starry eyes of his, before it melted into a silent understanding between the two of you.
At sixteen you had sworn he had to be your soulmate. At twenty-four, you were forced strangers.
Yeonmi returned to the room with another bowl just as your doorbell rang, and you straightened up in your seat, mild panic taking over your system. Before she could even ask you to get the door, you escaped the living room, your feet carrying you quickly to the kitchen and further away from the door, where he inevitably stood.
Leaning against the counter, you let out a troubled sigh. You had no idea how you were going to survive the night without losing your mind in some respect, and you also had no idea how you were going to explain your bolting to your friend without some sort of excuse. Opening a drawer, you pulled out a bowl and began looking for something to fill it with, before coming across a packet of Sour Patch Kids.
You stared at the candy, slowly tearing open the packet and tossing some of it into the bowl. When you were younger, Donghyuck had always had a pack in his school bag, whipping it out at random occasions to snack on. It was his favourite candy back then, and although you’re not sure if he was still fond of it, it was still worth a shot bringing it out there.
Clipping it shut, you toss the packet back into the cupboard and steel yourself to face him once again.
Donghyuck stared at the screen of his phone, processing the time displayed on his lockscreen. 8:30 pm. He glanced up at the sky, taking note of the stars that decorated it in splashes, before walking into your building, calling for the elevator with a press of a button.
Truly, he knew that he was a bit of an asshole, and he had self imposed this title for a plethora of reasons. He had been dating Yeonmi for a while now, and although there were no labels to their relationship, he knew it was nearing the time where they talked about plastering on said labels, something he had been now infinitely put off by. From the moment he saw you, it was clear that going any further with the girl would be absolutely fruitless.
So he should have called things off with her, and yet here he was, walking into the elevator and signalling for your floor. When she had asked him to come over for a movie night, everything inside of him had been screaming at him to simply end it then to avoid complicating things any further, but on the outside he found himself agreeing, regretfully.
That was asshole strike number two. The first strike was committed eight years ago.
Running his fingers through his hair, he used his blurry reflection in the walls of the elevator to fix up his appearance. He donned a pair of light-wash jeans and a dark blue sweatshirt today, opting to be comfy in an attempt to soothe his enervated mental state.
Reaching your floor, he walked down the hallway and stood outside the door, sucking in a deep breath. Yeonmi had mentioned that since this was a casual affair, you would most probably be present as well, and that information had admittedly stressed him out even more than he already was.
You being her roommate suddenly made a lot of sense in regards to all those mannerisms that she possessed that reminded him of you. Living with you must have had your habits rub off on her, resulting in all the intense deja vu he had been experiencing these past few weeks. At first, he thought it was simply what it felt to fall for someone, considering he had only ever experienced it with you, but now he knew better.
The reason he had let this go on was because of how much she reminded him of you. It was like he still had you after all these years, even if it wasn’t nearly enough.
He rang the doorbell and waited.
Yeonmi answered, her elated smile at his presence spurring some guilt from his end. After a hug, she welcomed him inside, ushering him into the living room of your shared apartment and explaining the set up of snacks and blankets that she had laid out on the couch. It was clear that she had put a lot of thought into the evening, and he gave her one of those dazzling smiles of his in acknowledgement.
She sat down in the middle of the couch, and he followed suit, taking one of the ends as she switched the television on, starting the movie. Donghyuck glanced around the room as tactfully as possible, noticing you weren’t present.
And that's when you walked in, grasping a dark blue bowl in your hands, answering his silent question of your whereabouts before he could even ask it.
Part of him still saw the sixteen-year-old girl he had known all those years ago, the same hair and pensive expression painting your features that he had decidedly memorised. Once you had caught sight of him, you stopped in place and stared for a beat too long, looking from him to the table before him and then down at the bowl you held.
Yeonmi turned around and the sound of your soft, padded footsteps, and cocked her head to the side in mild confusion. “Did you get something else?”
“Yeah,” your voice cut through his self-induced trance sharply, terse and quick, you switched the lights off, leaving the light from the TV as the only source of it throughout the room, and walked over and sat on the other side of the girl, grabbing a couple of the items contained in the bowl before handing it over. “I thought this would be a good addition.”
He peered over, eyes widening ever so slightly when he recognized the candy to be Sour Patch Kids that you were now slowly munching on. Yeonmi offered him some, and he slowly took it, trying his level best to not look at you in silent question at the choice of it.
It seemed intentional, but that could have just been him overthinking it. By the looks of your eagerness to pretend he was a stranger to you, you probably didn’t even remember his emotional attachment to it when you were teenagers. The thought of that saddened him a little, especially when he thought back to the times you would always get him some every time you’d pass by a general store, or when he discovered you had an entire stash in the little drawer of your bedside table, ready for him every time he’d come over. The memory should have brought a smile to his face as he picked up one of the red candies.
The situation he found himself in was entirely ludicrous, sitting by a woman he had been dating for a short period of time and another who had everything to do with him in the past, but seemingly wanted nothing to do with him at present.
But he really couldn’t blame you for that.
Your behaviour towards him was more than justified, and if you hated him- well, he wouldn’t be surprised, or even blame you a little bit. No one deserved to be treated the way he had treated you, especially by someone who claimed to love you.
One and a half movies in, Yeonmi seemed to have dozed off. It was around eleven p.m., the snacks were almost all the snack bowls had been emptied- save for the pretzels, and he couldn’t bring himself to pay attention to the television screen anymore, wholly uninterested in whatever was happening there. Instead, his gaze drifted towards your rigid figure, a little more visible now that the girl sitting between the two of you had slouched down a little due to her sleeping state.
The light from the television gently cradled your features, illuminating your side profile in a ghostly manner that made it difficult for him to tear his eyes away from you. That was the excuse he used to justify his mildly intense staring at that moment in time because the truth was that no matter the situation, he had never been great at looking away from you.
You must have felt the weight of his imminent stare, because you swiftly turned your head to face him, eyes locking with his almost instantaneously. The air around him stilled, he was afraid to move, as if doing so would break something- or perhaps himself. He couldn’t bear to think about doing that once more, wanting to protect you and himself from that outcome.
But playing it safe would only get him so far.
“Y/n.”
Your name made it out of his mouth just slightly louder than a whisper, but it had you breaking eye contact, a breath escaping you as if you had been holding it in, eyelids fluttering shut. This was the first time he had uttered your name in what seemed like forever, but he had never forgotten how to sound it out, holding it out to the wind like some sort of peace offering. Every syllable of your name was precious to him, ingrained into his memory and locked there, incapable of even the thought of escape.
“Donghyuck.”
You weren’t even facing him anymore, vision cast down to your floorboards as you responded with his name in that melodic cadence of yours, although it was currently laced with brevity. The guarded nature of your utterance did not go unnoticed either, he knew you too well to not catch onto these things, even if it had been a while.
“I…I’m not sure what to say,” he admitted, lifting a hand up and running it through his hair- an anxious habit he had retained from his teen years. Another sigh escaped your lips, and you shifted in your seat out of discomfort at the situation at hand, glancing at your fast-asleep roommate.
“She owes me so much for this shit.” Your words were completely unexpected, but it almost brought a smile to his face to know that your way of speaking hadn’t changed much either. No matter how much time passed, the little constants of life kept him grounded- but with you it only had his head in the clouds. Finally, you spoke directly to him, “You don’t have to say anything.”
Donghyuck paused, caught a little off guard. He couldn’t have disagreed with that more, the amount of things left unsaid between the two of you was the cause of the stinging tension hanging in the air, something he was desperate to attempt to dissipate. It was unnatural, all his memories with you involved everything being exceedingly easy, this was a striking difference to what he was used to.
It was his own fault. You held his stare, and it took him back to the first time he met you, when your ability to do the same was non existent. He recollected the nervous energy that radiated off of you the first time he ever spoke to you, the way your eyes would never stay focused at his for more than a few minutes. He had found it rather adorable.
That day was a bad one for him, and he remembered it in perfect clarity. In classic teenage angst, he was pissed off at the world for the cards he had been dealt, those being another new town and another first day at a new school. More importantly, he was even angrier at the person who had put him in such a situation once again- his mother, of course. He had barely spoken to her before leaving the house that morning, ignoring her meek attempts at trying to hold out an olive branch. She had made him his favourite breakfast to console him, a silent apology of sorts, but he hadn’t commented on it at all.
He had been through the routine so many times that he was tired and so he kept to himself, ears plugged with his headphones at the back of every classroom he found himself in. There wasn’t an ounce of effort to mingle with the other students from his end, his annoyances and temper getting the best of him.
And then he felt you looking at him in one of his classes, looking at you right when you had been called out for doing so. A few minutes later, your eyes wandered right back to him, surprise and embarrassment igniting in them when you realised you had been caught. He approached you afterwards, and the interaction that followed left him with a ghost of a smile on his face despite his sour mood.
He wasn’t sure why he had decided to approach you that day. There had been others who had tried to speak to him, others that he had blown off with tight-lipped, polite responses that hinted at him being wholly uninterested, but there was just something about you that drew him in so effortlessly. It had been easy with you from the very beginning.
Which was exactly why he needed to fix whatever was happening right now, at the present. “I think we need to talk.”
You shut your eyes, but he wasn’t sure if it was out of weariness or frustration.
“No, we really don’t.” There was a tinge of denial embedded in your words, if not outright refusal.
“Yes, we do,” he gave you a mildly pointed look, trying to break through the wall you had built around yourself and open your eyes to the need to get this conversation over with as soon as possible. “You know we do-”
“I don’t.”
You cut him off before he could even finish what he had to say, the finality in your tone stopping him in his tracks. The way you snapped at him told him all he needed to know: that you had no intention or desire to continue this conversation. Even so, he would have maybe pressed a little more if not for the slight tremor that accompanied intonation.
Donghyuck pressed his lips together, knowing that he didn’t have the right to insist. A stifling silence settled between the two of you, unbroken for a few seconds too long as he sat there, stunned by your minute outburst and thus, as a result, speechless. He couldn’t think of an instance when you had ever reacted like that to him, and the realisation grounded him.
He swallowed, the dryness of his throat making the action hurt a little. “I should leave.” He spoke up, slowly getting to his feet to avoid waking up the sleeping girl next to him, “Tell Yeonmi I said thank you for tonight and…and that I had to leave because I have an early morning tomorrow.”
You nodded wordlessly.
The lack of anything from your end was unnatural for him, you had never been one to not talk. It had been one of his favourite things about you.
“And…I’m sorry.”
And with that, he left you there on your couch with the very words that had haunted you for what felt like all your life.
vi] then.
Zhong Chenle was one half of your two best friends, the other being Sakura Miyawaki, and the only male hair to his family's multimillion-dollar company. Although he had been born with a silver spoon in his mouth and everyone had his beck and call, he was surprisingly down-to-earth for someone who grew up with that much privilege. Even with all the wealth that his parents had still put him in public highschool, which you supposed said a lot about how he was raised. You had met him for the first time in the fourth grade when you had been paired up with the ever-smiling boy during P.E.
Everyone in town knew where he lived and it was because it was the only mansion in the town, and saying that it was in town was a little bit of a stretch as well. It was situated towards the outskirts, but travelling was never a problem for him considering he had a driver appointed to take him wherever he pleased whenever he requested him to do so in one of the four cars sitting pretty in his garage.
You had been to his mansion several times over the seven years you had known the boy, and it never failed to leave you awestruck. The garden outside was enough to have your jaw drop, and the inside wasn’t any different with pristine white walls and marbled floors that were tastefully decorated. When you learned that he also had a pool, you seriously considered asking to be adopted.
It was due to this very fact that Chenle took advantage of every time his parents were out of town on some sort of business trip, having you and Sakura, along with his cousin Renjun, stay the night.
This time, however, was different. This time, Chenle was throwing a party.
His parents were gone for five days, and this conveniently happened to line up with the weekend, resulting in the perfect opportunity. He had never thrown a party before, but they had been happening a lot more frequently now that you were in the eleventh grade, and he wanted to dabble in the fun, insisting that all three of you needed more of that in your lives.
So you told your parents you were going to stay over at Chenle’s place for the weekend, throwing some clothes and other items that you would need into a bag and let your hair loose, hoping that it would conceal the makeup you had done for the party. When you heard the horn of Sakura's car blare at eight p.m sharp just as she promised, you bid them a rushed farewell and left your house, mild excitement admittedly drumming through your veins.
You walked over to her car, raising an eyebrow at Chenle’s presence in the backseat. The party had technically started by now, but since you had to get ready and finish all your homework for the week before you were allowed to leave, Sakura had agreed to pick you up and go with you.
This also meant that the host was supposed to be there instead of here, a host that beckoned you to sit next to him. You obliged, tossing your bag in first before sliding into the seat beside him and asking, “What are you doing here?”
“I’ve come to pick you up,” he answered gleefully as Sakura began to drive away, smiling in a mixture of amusement and annoyance back at the two of you. His voice was a little jittery, and once Sakura turned into a new lane, he brought out the flask that he had presumably been hiding underneath the seat until it was safe. “Drink up.”
“This fucker showed up to my house,” your driver friend filled you in, rolling her eyes in exasperation. “Thankfully, he still had the sense to call instead of ringing the doorbell. Can you even imagine the lecture I would have gotten if my parents saw him in this state?”
“You’re tipsy,” you concluded aloud, earning a lazy smile from the boy accompanied by finger guns on his free hand. You took the flask from him and unscrewed the top, cautiously smelling the top to ascertain the contents within, before holding it to your lips and taking a swig.
The pure alcohol hit your throat immediately, stinging it and having your features twist into a frown, but you managed to swallow it all, subsequently coughing.
“Oops,” Chenle muttered, “Forgot to tell you it's neat. There's nothing but whiskey in there.”
“A warning would have been nice, yeah.” Your neck felt warm. “Why are we already drinking?”
“It’s called pregaming Y/n, keep up. Be grateful since ‘Kura has to wait until we reach to partake in the fun. For us lucky folks, it starts now.” He ended this with a cheeky wink, his words were a little slurred, and you could smell the hint of whatever he had been consuming before. You briefly wondered how Sakura was going to get rid of the smell before she went home.
“I believe what you mean to say is thank you,” comes from the front of the car, laced with sass.
This was by no means your first time drinking with the two, since all the sleepovers at his place had consisted of stealing his parents liquor and drinking it in his room, but you didn’t partake in the act very often, and this was your first official party. You took another sip, this time a little more gracefully than the last.
“You’re the host of the party, Chenle, you’re supposed to be there. You didn’t have to come pick me up.” To this, he huffed, waving a hand in your face as if he was shaking out the truth in your statement.
“Yeah but you’re more important, so who cares?”
You grinned, now knowing that he was definitely a little out of it due to the drinking. He had the habit of going all sweet and mushy on the two of you when he had a little too much in his system.
“As much as I appreciate that,” you furrowed your eyebrows, “Isn’t that a bad idea, like, who is in charge back there? Won’t it be a mess?”
“Messes are inevitable when it comes to this, it’ll be fine,” He assured you as Sakura switched the radio on. “But if you must know, I left Donghyuck in charge to make sure no one dies before we get there.”
You decided to not point out the underlying implication of people dying after you arrived, perking up a little at the mention of your- er- close friend. “Oh he’s already there?”
“Yeah, your little boyfriend was downing a mixture of rum and coke last I saw him.” Chenle’s words elicit an immediate reaction from you, a scoff leaving your mouth as you shook your head stubbornly.
“He’s not my boyfriend.”
Sakura snickered from behind the steering wheel at your defensiveness, looking at you through the rear view mirror. “Keep telling yourself that, honey.”
“He’s not,” you insisted, cheeks feeling hot from the teasing your friends were subjecting you to blaming it on the contents of the flask you held. Half of the booze was still left, and so you continued to consume it slowly, adding, “We’re friends.”
Even you had to admit that you didn’t sound convincing at all. “Sure.”
You downed the rest of the whiskey.
“Where’s your outfit?” Sakura asked once they were done tormenting you. She was already wearing hers, a dark blue sleeveless dress that cut off a little above her mid-thigh, accentuating everything she wanted it to perfectly, paired with silver jewellery and heels. Like you, she had gotten a bag of clothes for the night stay as well.
Grateful for the change in topic, you unzipped the front of the hoodie you had on, revealing the top of your dress, the bottom part of which you had tucked into your sweatpants to hide it from your parents. “I’m wearing it underneath.” You tossed your hoodie to the side as you clarified, closing the top of the flask and handing it back to your friend to keep. “I’ll fix up there.”
“I’ll help.” You smiled gratefully at this offer of hers, nodding as you brought out your phone, attempting to neaten up your hair. Your enthusiasm was building by the second as Chenle babbled on about something inconsequential, arguing with the remaining two of you as usual.
About twenty minutes later, the car pulled into the driveway, and you had to do a double take to recognize the place. People you recognized faintly were walking around the gardens, holding red solo cups and talking, their chatter and laughter blending in with the music that came from inside the house- giving you an idea of how chaotic it must have been inside.
Grabbing your bags, the three of you made your way to the front door that was half-open, something that definitely should have been a concern, but none of you comprehended that, your teenage brains ready to let loose and have fun. You barely heard Sakura's declaration to get wasted over the cacophony inside, pushing through the crowd to get to the staircase.
“Holy shit, seniors are here too,” Chenle said triumphantly, pleased at having achieved their presence at his first ever party. “That’s sick, I’m going to go try talking to Taeil hyung.”
With that, he disappeared, leaving you and your best friend to make the journey to the top floor alone. The chances of anyone being up there were minimal, and you were going to use the private bathroom in his room anyway, so it all worked out in your favour.
Walking into said bathroom, you placed your bag on the counter and slipped your sweatpants off your legs, adjusting the bottom of your short, black dress. Sakura whistled in approval at your look after helping touch up your eyeliner, and you inspected your reflection in the large, fancy mirror, pleased with what was staring back at you. The dress had a certain subtle shimmer to it, but only when the light hit it at just the right angle, and your makeup brought out the best in your features, making you feel extremely pretty.
Perfect.
“Okay, I’m ready,” you declared, leaving your bags in the bathroom and proceeding to make your way back downstairs once you put on your heels, rejoining the pandemonium you had been so looking forward to the entire week.
The music was so loud that you were sure you were going to lose your hearing in at least one of your ears, feeling the bass in your stomach and head as well- actually, scratch that, the mild buzzing in your head was definitely due to the alcohol you had consumed before finally hitting your system.
This was going to be fun.
“I’m going to get a drink,” you informed Sakura, but her eyes were following someone else- Nakamoto Yuta, you realised, one of the star footballers on the team. Smirking, you gave her an encouraging pat on the back before navigating to the kitchen, almost getting lost due to the difference in how the house looked. You were used to the bright white walls and perfect interiors, the contrast of the dark lighting and cups strewn everywhere throwing you off a little.
Finally, you emerged into the kitchen, which was a little more deserted then the rest of the mansion. You stopped in your tracks.
Because behind the kitchen island and leaning against one of the counters was none other than Lee Donghyuck.
Glass in hand, he looked even more elusive than he already was in this light. A black shirt hung effortlessly from his shoulders, the first few buttons left open with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Jeans and a silver chain sitting around his neck, part of you was almost offended at how good he looked at that moment.
He seemed at ease, as if he was unaware of the lawless nature of the party, taking a sip of whatever drink he had poured for himself. He looked in your direction after a few seconds, as if he had felt your stare and raised his glass up in acknowledgement, the simper that appeared on his face telling you he was pleased you had finally arrived. This broke the spell you had been under, and you walked around the island into his full view, grabbing one of the plastic cups.
He didn’t say anything for a moment, letting his eyes drag over your figure from tip to bottom and making you feel a little self conscious. You mentally chastised yourself- mere minutes ago you had been feeling extremely confident, and now that state of mind relied on his judgement, but only his.
Donghyuck had to force himself to look at your face again, one that was very obviously awaiting his judgement, it was just too easy to read your expressions. He was taken aback by how different you looked right then. A good, no, great different even. You were beautiful, he knew this very well by now, but he had never seen you quite this dressed up, and my god did you do justice to your look.
“You look amazing,” he commented languidly, and just like that, you were back on cloud nine.
Feminism had said goodbye the moment you had set eyes on him, clearly.
“So do you.” That was the understatement of the century. You almost wished you could agree to all of Sakura and Chenle’s teasing and say that he was your boyfriend, because you sure as hell didn’t want anyone else hanging off his arm right then. You glanced at the line up of bottles against the wall, a sound of disbelief leaving you. “Fuck, Chenle really went all out, huh?”
There was possibly every type of alcohol you could ever want sitting there, just waiting to be consumed. Donghyuck chuckled, the low sound sending a pleasant shiver down your spine.
“That he did. Here for a drink, I assume?”
You nodded. “Something a little light on the alcohol taste though, Chenle had me have whiskey neat and I need a break from anything too intense.”
He hummed in consideration of this, taking your glass. “Got you. Be ready for the greatest drink of your life.” You rolled your eyes, but waited in anticipation nonetheless as he grabbed one of the bottles, pouring about two shots into it before walking over to the fridge and grabbing a bottle and some ice, pouring the contents into your cup and gently tapping it on the counter to help mix it all.
“It’s peach ice tea and vodka,” he informed you as he handed it over, eagerly waiting for you to take a sip and assess the taste of his creation. “I’ve mixed it perfectly, so it should give you a kick without being too overpowering.” It was just as he said, the peach tea flavour being much more palatable to your taste buds, and you thanked him with a smile.
“What are you drinking?”
“Uhh…..rum I think. Yeah, it’s still rum,” he eyed his drink, before finishing the rest of it like a shot. “It’s the good, expensive shit, I’ve had around five of these- wait, no- six.”
You giggled, sipping tentatively at your drink and admiring Donghyuck, the pleasant buzz in your head growing stronger. A song you liked came on, the melody beckoning you towards the main area of the party with every beat that played.
“I’m going to go dance,” you declared, finishing your drink quickly. “I’ll find Chenle out there and join him.” This was your meek attempt at trying to get him to come along with you, not particularly wanting to leave his side or be separated from him even for just a song.
Fortunately for you, there was no way in hell Donghyuck wanted to let you out of his sight either, especially not when you looked like that.
“I’ll come with you.”
You didn’t object.
After a few more hours of drinking, dancing and partaking in activities that would make your parents consider sending you to boarding school, you found yourself leaning against one of the walls of the house. You were completely unaware of which room you were in, everything happening in front of you feeling as if it was taking place in slow motion, your eyelids feeling heavy.
Doing shots with Sakura was the beginning of the end for you. You had spaced out the shots a little, and since they didn’t hit you immediately you had assumed that you were doing fine, and proceeded to consume a couple of Chenle’s concoctions- the worst possible decision you could have made. God knows what he had put into that cup of yours, but it was strong.
All this culminated in you attempting to keep yourself upright against the wall, fighting your drunken stupor to the best of your abilities. You felt good, and wanted to stay awake for the rest of the party, one that had absolutely no signs of slowing down anytime soon. It was probably around one in the morning at this point, and although you were having the time of your life, the smokey, dim lit setting and being surrounded by your fellow drunks was starting to feel stifling.
“There you are.”
You slowly looked up and registered the face that had waltzed into your view, taking your own sweet time to study the familiar spaced out expression that was plastered on Donghyucks stupidly gorgeous face. His pupils were dilated (as were yours, you were sure) and his hair messy but even that wasn’t enough to disrupt his beauty. You were about to complain about this very fact, but he beat you to it, speaking once more.
“You disappeared after the first round of beer pong, and Jaehyun made me finish the game before I left, but I couldn’t find you after that.”
His manner of speaking wasn't the sharpest either, clearly very tipsy, but in an infinitely better state then you were. You had spent most of your time at the party so far by his side, thoroughly enjoying how he would hold your hand and guide you from place to place so you wouldn’t get lost and the way he placed his hands on the small of your waist, as if having some sort of physical contact with you was important to him. You especially liked how he would dip his head down, mouth right near your earlobe so that you could hear him speak over all the noise.
As he had said, it was while some of your friends had dragged him into playing a game of beer pong was when you had slipped away, not entertained by the game in the slightest. You found Sakura and with every shot of vodka you let into your system, signed away your sobriety.
“Ah,” you mumbled dumbly in response, nodding absent-mindedly, the memory of how he had his hand on the small of your back while you were dancing to the music popping back into your mind.
Music that was currently much too loud for you.
Donghyucks features twisted into a look of confusion, clearly not having heard your sound of acknowledgement. “What?”
You groaned, “It’s too loud in here.”
He seemed to have picked up on that, somehow understanding what you needed without you even asking for it. “Do you want to go outside for a little? Take a break from this?”
“Fuck yes.”
You pushed yourself off the wall, promptly stumbling right into Donghyucks arms. He looped them around you and helped you regain your standing, a small laugh leaving him, the sound having you certain you had never heard something quite so magical. “Maybe we should get you some water first?”
“No,” You breathed out, shaking your head rapidly. “I just want some fresh air.”
This was how you ended up sitting upon the pavement of the street just outside Chenle’s mansion. The cold night air had you scooting a little closer to Donghyuck, before burying your face in your hands, which rested upon your knees, as you counted to ten in your mild, trying your best to regain your bearings once more.
Donghyuck wished he had worn a jacket so that he could give it to you, but settled for throwing an arm around you to offer some warmth. The fresh air had helped sober him up a little, offering him the slightest bit of clarity as he sat there on the asphalt.
“I don’t think I can walk,” you said faintly, evoking a snicker from his end.
“You think? You barely made it out here alive.”
The music was softer outside, much more bearable. You could hear the leaves rustle gently, as if forming their own melody.
“Shut u-up.” Somehow, you managed to stutter on this very basic phrase, only inviting more laughter from his end. You didn’t think you’d be able to blame it on the cold.
“My God, you’re so fucking drunk.”
You looked up at him, somehow momentarily unfazed by the close proximity and with a defiant look in your eyes, ready to argue back even in your inebriated element. “It’s not like you’re a saint right now either.”
He puffed out a laugh at how adorably indignant you were. “At least I’m better than you.”
“God you’re so fucking annoying,” you whined. “I really don’t know why I like you so much.”
You barely registered what you said, the words leaving your lips without much restriction. Inebriation caused you to let your guard down a little too much. He froze beside you, blinking rapidly to try and gauge how serious you were.
“You like me?”
The question somehow pulled you back to reality, but only a little bit. You opened your mouth and subsequently shut it, heavily hesitating. Even like this, you knew the weight that it carried, and the risks that came along with owning up to this accusation that you had brought upon yourself with your own carelessness.
Perhaps it was the cold, or maybe it was the faux confidence given to you by all the intoxicants in your system.
“Yeah.” Your heart hammered in your chest. “I do.”
“And you’re sure this is not just because you’re absolutely shit-faced right now?”
“Excuse me? I am not-”
You never got to finish rebuking that claim of his, because he pressed his lips to yours almost feverishly, as if he had been waiting to do so for a long time. You gasped against his lips, your body responded before your mind even understood what was happening, instantly leaning into him and resting a hand on his knee to steady yourself. His hand moved from your shoulder to your cheek, cupping your face ever so gently as he moved his mouth against yours slowly.
He tasted sharp almost, the remnants of whatever alcohol he had been confusing fresh upon his lips, strawberries- probably from a vape- along with a bitter undertone that you couldn’t quite place just yet, too acutely aware and focused on the fact that Lee Donghyuck was kissing you and how his thumb brushed gently against your cheekbone.
The kiss filled you with warmth and you immediately forgot about how cold you felt previously, every sound around you fading into the background, utterly unimportant to you. You felt yourself flush under his touch, your fingers reaching out and curling into the fabric of his shirt and pulling him closer.
Donghyuck could hardly believe that this was happening either, acting on impulse the moment you confirmed that you did, in fact, like him. He pulled away after a few seconds, watching as your eyes fluttered open a little later, wide is slight disbelief, your pretty peach -flavoured lipgloss a tad smudged, now also on his lips.
“You just kissed me,” you said in awe, and he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear fondly.
“I did.”
“You kissed me,” you repeated once again, like saying it aloud would keep it real and not just a figment of your imagination, “and you taste like smoke.”
You had eventually realised what the bitterness was. He frowned lightly, trying to place why that was. “Johnny hyung taught me how to smoke a joint sometime earlier- oh fuck, did that ruin it?”
The look of genuine worry on his face made you almost laugh, and you stared at him incredulously, almost scoffing at the notion. Your fingers were definitely wrinkling his shirt with how tightly you were holding it at that moment and you shook your head firmly- well, as firmly as you could for someone who could barely stand upon her very own two feet.
“Nothing could ever ruin it.”
When you awoke, you had absolutely no clue where you were.
Tucked neatly into a bed, you blinked rapidly to regain your bearings, staring up at the ceiling in pure mystification. You came to the conclusion that this was one of Chenle’s guest bedrooms, but couldn’t, for the life of you, figure out how you got there.
You attempted to sit up but did so a little too fast, a sharp pang of pain rushing to your head and making it feel as if it split apart. A strangled sound of agony left you as you slowed your movements, opting to lean against the headboard as a compromise to sitting up straight.
And that's when it hit you.
Memories from last night rushed back to you, fractured and in hazy glimpses. You recalled holding up a stranger's hair while they puked in one of the bathrooms, awkwardly standing aside another girl who had never spoken to before as she sobbed, mascara streaming down her face, laughing drunkenly with Sakura and Chenle (that screechy laugh of his had somehow been amplified with how plastered he was) and stumbling through the many hallways of the house. You couldn’t recall anything in its entirety, having to make do with the mismash of chaotic, foggy remembrance.
But you distinctly remembered Donghyuck kissing you outside the mansion. And then once again inside, after he made you drink water, and near the staircase, and-
You placed your hands over your warming cheeks. It was quite amusing, how the only thing you remembered perfectly was making out with him.
Carefully, you got out of the bed, gritting your teeth to bear with the pounding in your head. You were still in your dress from last night, and there was no way in hell you were going downstairs looking like this. Somehow, you found your way to Chenle’s room, which was thankfully empty, and shut yourself in his bathroom, before sighing in resignation at your reflection. Your eyeliner was smudged around your eyes, makeup completely demolished- you were sure that your skin was crying because you slept in it.
Your bag was still there, and you removed the extra clothes you had brought along, freshening up as quickly as you could and changing. It felt good to get out of the tight dress and into a pair of shorts and a loose t-shirt, washing all your makeup off. Deeming yourself finally presentable, you began your journey downstairs.
Downstairs, as you had referred to it as, had been completely trashed. Solo cups and bottles of alcohol were strewn everywhere, along with random shoes lying about. You grimaced at the sight that somehow contributed to your migraine, walking past it all to the kitchen, where Johnny stood near the stove, flashing you a bright smile.
“Y/n! Good, you’re awake. Take a seat, my famous pancakes are almost ready.”
Chenle was slumped over the island, sitting at one of the stools around it. He glanced up at the mention of your name, and somehow, the boy looked worse than you felt. You occupied the seat beside him, cocking your head to the side and silently asking why Johnny Suh of all people was still around, when it seemed like everyone else had dispersed.
“I threw up twelve times last night,” he offered instead, a certain hoarseness in his voice. “Johnny stayed over to make sure I didn’t die, and handled almost everything after. Somehow, he doesn’t get hangovers.” The last bit of information sounded a little like your friend was complaining over how unjust it was that he had to deal with a hangover, while the senior didn’t.
“It comes with experience,” Johnny said wisely, putting the pancakes he had made onto a plate and sliding it over to the two of you. “Leave a couple for your other friend, I think she’s still sleeping.”
You nodded, grabbing a fork and immediately dug into the breakfast he had so kindly cooked for the two of you, trying to pay attention to his speech about how pancakes were the best cure to a hangover and nod where you thought it was polite to do so, but your thoughts drifted away from him and to a certain boy.
Donghyuck had also been pretty drunk by the end of it all, you were sure. Chances were he didn’t even remember kissing you, but that singular thought was enough to have your stomach plummet.
“Y/n? Are you listening?”
“Yes?” You snapped out of it, biting the inside of your cheek hard.
Chenle rolled his eyes, but grinned. “The party was a success, Johnny hyung himself just said so!” Safe to say, Chenle was on cloud nine. You, on the other hand, were a mixture of anxiety and elation, which was a most confusing combination to unpack. The older boy smiled in hilarity, somewhat seeing his younger self in your friend.
“The next will be even better.”
As Chenle began planning the hypothetical future party (with a raging hangover, mind you- he truly was shameless), you stuffed your face with another morsel of pancakes, soaked in maple syrup, hoping that it would soak up the remaining alcohol in your system and help you think clearly about your circumstance.
By the time Sakura emerged from her slumber, it was around noon, and the pancakes had long been devoured.
You arrived home in the evening to an empty house and a note from your parents saying that they had decided to go on a date night. This worked out well in your favour, considering you had no energy to deal with anything after the events of last night. Johnny, being the only one completely in his senses, had driven Sakura’s car back with the two of you, making sure you reached home safely.
Flopping down onto your couch, you shut your eyes for a few seconds, deciding that what you needed to recuperate was a calm night. Perhaps you’d watch a few movies and order pizza.
These glorious plans of yours were quickly thwarted when you heard your doorbell ring.
Suppressing an annoyed groan, you forced yourself to answer the door, your eyes widening at the sight of Donghyuck standing there. Your mind immediately scrambled on seeing him, not a single coherent thought forming, which led to a most intelligent greeting from your end.
“Uh.”
He raised an eyebrow, glancing behind you and into your house. Embarrassment flared up inside of you, and you coughed awkwardly, opening the door wider and shuffling to the side. “Right, wanna come in?”
So now he was in your kitchen, and you had no idea what to talk about. “When did you leave Chenle's?”
“Early morning,” he informed you, eyes following your every move as you poured yourself a glass of water, sipping on it to curb the awkwardness in the air. He paused, studying you carefully and slowly asked. “How was the hangover?”
“Terrible,” you groaned, the insistent throbbing of your head proving this. You finished up your water and walked closer to him. “It’s still there. I’m never drinking again.”
He snickered disbelievingly, a glint in his eyes that represented an emotion you couldn’t quite place yet. “Liar.” He seemed distracted, tapping his foot rhythmically against your floor. You briefly wondered how his hangover had dissipated so quickly, envious of the fact.
“Listen buddy, I’m a quick learner, and I’ve learned that being wasted is not worth the consequences.”
You said this in a joking manner, but there wasn’t even a hint of hilarity on his face, a serious expression facing you instead. Panic seized you for a moment, wondering if he truly didn’t remember the kiss, or if he did and regretted it. Maybe he was here to tell you to forget it ever happened, that it was just a drunken mistake from his end and that it would never happen again.
Maybe, you were just a terrible kisser.
“You were supposed to laugh,” you muttered weakly, your anxiety clawing at your chest. If he was about to reject you and crush your heart, you needed there to be more space between the two of you, and instinctively took a step back, moving to take another right after, but you were stopped.
Donghyuck grabbed your wrist, pulling you forward until you were right in front of him, his determination crystal clear.
“I am not your buddy.”
He said the word with resentment almost, staring at you hard. You swallowed thickly, not quite knowing what to say, terrified at the possibility of this being him cutting off your friendship as well. Him not liking you romantically was bad enough, but him wanting nothing to do with you was even worse. You couldn’t imagine not having Lee Donghyuck as at least a friend.
Pressing his lips together, he asked. “Do-do you remember everything from last night?”
The question hit you like a train, and the stutter in his voice- the hesitation, it suddenly cleared all of the terrible outcomes you were thinking of. He definitely remembered, and it seemed like he was afraid that you didn’t. It dawned upon you right then that it was quite possible that both of you were royal idiots.
You sucked in a sharp breath. “Not everything.” His grip on your wrist was gentle and warm, you could see him swallow, a flicker of dread passing through those brown eyes of his as he rephrased his question.
“Do you remember what happened between us?”
How could you possibly forget? It was the only thing you could remember, the ghost of his kiss still lingering upon your lips that yearned for the feeling once more. Your confession was fresh on your mind, being the only thing you had thought about from the moment you awoke.
“You know I do.”
Your voice was quiet, refusing to look at him properly. His other hand rose to your face a few seconds later, fingers gripping your chin and tenderly angled your face upwards so that you were forced to, your face just inches away from his. You desperately hoped he couldn’t feel the slight tremble of your hand, feeling vulnerable without the courage that alcohol supplied to you.
“You know what? I don’t think I do know.” The coy nature of his voice did not go unnoticed by you. “I think I might need something to refresh my memory.”
You gawked at the boy, completely in disbelief at the sheer audacity he displayed right then, purposely playing with your already extremely frazzled mind in such a manner. You released your hand from his, hitting his arm weakly in annoyance.
“You’re so lame,” you declared, and he frowned.
“Lame? I’m trying to be smooth over here!” He genuinely sounded kind of distressed, and you couldn’t help the smile that erupted upon your face, even if you did your best to look as annoyed as possible.
“If you want me to kiss you, just say so, you idiot.”
He hummed as if deep in thought, only putting you more on edge. Slipping the hand that held your face behind your neck, he nodded softly and followed your instructions. “Fine, I want you to kiss me.”
He pulled you closer by your waist, fingers entangling in your hair as you closed the distance between the two of you. You threw your arms around his neck, kissing him almost feverishly, more than eager to experience it while sober. He smiled against your lips, which was enough to bring forth giggles from your end.
You kissed him until you were breathless and felt flushed, dizzy from just how long you had truly been waiting for this. Pulling away, you looked at him, searching for an answer to a question that had popped to the forefront of your mind.
“We just kissed.”
“For the second time,” he added helpfully.
“Right. And you’re not my buddy?” You raised an eyebrow, almost as if you were purposely provoking him.
“Please don’t friendzone me on day one itself.”
A laugh left you, and he let his other hand fall down to your waist, interlocking his fingers right by the small of your back as if he was securing you in place, making sure you wouldn’t disappear in that moment. Not that you wanted to anyway, being quite content with where you were currently.
“I won’t.” You promised, biting the inside of your cheek as apprehension suddenly came over you. “So then…?”
“Y/n, will you be my girlfriend?” He cut off the pointed silence with his question, one that had you nodding before you even verbally announced your answer. The shy yes that you pronounced earned you that marvelous smile you so loved, and you buried your face in the crook of his neck, hugging him tight, as if trying to memorise every detail about what had just happened.
You were only sixteen, and perhaps still hopelessly unaware of the magnitude of your feelings towards Donghyuck, but somewhere in the uncertain haze that you had to navigate, you always knew that every path would always lead you straight back into his arms. You’d figure it out with your hand safely tucked in the pocket of his jacket, intertwined with his so firmly it felt as if he would never let go.
After all, what was love, if not the sweet promise of forever?
part i fin.
#haechan x reader#donghyuck x reader#lee haechan x reader#haechan au#haechan fluff#haechan angst#donghyuck fluff#lee donghyuck x reader#nct haechan#lee haechan#nct donghyuck#nct fanfiction#nct dream fanfiction#nct 127 fanfiction#nct 127 haechan#lee donghyuck#donghyuck fanfic#donghyuck angst#nct dream angst#nct dream fluff#nct au#as i post this imagine me sighing in release and nervousness tyvm
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Hi. I have to say I’m loving all this Brady attention. And I love your writing!
May I request some headcanons for a John Brady being in a relationship with a woman on base.
Thank you and have a great day ☺️
Ahh me as well Nonny! John Brady has solidly had my heart since the minute Marina and Bee started posting about him haha! So I'm happy to share the brainrot for him. Keep sending in your requests and your thoughts! I seriously love it!
Cut for length, more below the cut, and some light spice sprinkled in:
-I think for someone as focused as John Brady, it had to have been a happy accident for him to fall in love with you and commit to dating you
-So my genuine first thought is that you're a nurse and that everyone in his crew gets sent to see the doctor on base after that disastrous first near-crash landing
-And of course, he's all grumpy and pouty because, ya know (France was France), and that was ROUGH
-But you come into his life with the smile that rivals the damn sun and everything after that just sorta clicks into place
-He's a lowkey lover that has eyes only for you—I imagine that only a few people, if any, would know that the two of you are dating or even together
-And he's taking his time and making the most of the moments that he has with you
-Because his time on base is so heavily monopolized by work and same as yours, it's stealing moments together
-Ducking behind barracks to kiss
-Lingering kisses because neither of you wants to go but it's already late and you have a shift and he's flying a mission
-Small little gifts that are left for one another; it's a small flower plucked from the field that you find at your work station, it's the extra blanket he finds on his bed, or the little notes that you sneakily leave for one another to find
-MAKING OUT IN HIS PLANE, I'm sorry, I don't make the rules here
-Stealing Bucky's jeep when he's super drunk so that the two of you can get some alone time
-He beelines for you anytime he ends up in the hospital wing
-And he loves the tender and gentle touches you give him, a swift and small kiss to the cheek, etc.
-CUDDLING!!!! I just know that he gives the best hugs and the best time on base for him is that early morning before everyone else is up, when you and him are just entwined in one another and he gets to hold onto you
-Dancing together at the parties, but not too many times in a row because you don't want anyone getting any ideas about the two of you
-This man is writing love letters, sonnets, the whole 9 yards anytime he's parted from you
-Sunday afternoon walks together, where your hand is in his and he can pretend like the war is over and you two are actually together
-He definitely has a few dreams about you and he (both spicy and sweet), and this definitely plays into the way that he shows you love later
-If any of the boys flirt with you on base, he does get a *little* jealous and possessive and that might mean a hookup in the hospital wing's supply closet later
-Loves twirling you around
-Husky compliments in between hot open-mouthed kisses
-He keeps your picture in his jacket when he flies
-This man prays for you every day and is literally so devoted
-Probably has already planned out the entire proposal for when the war is over
-Definitely wrote home to his family about you....like Day 1 in Europe
"Ma, look at Johnny's letter! He mentioned something about France and some girl??"
-That kinda thing haha
-Always holds the door for you
-EYE CONTACT is so huge to him and so you best believe that if you're in the room, his eyes are going to be on you
-Is really gentle and giving when he's with you
-HAND KISSES because your hands do so much good as a nurse
-Being there to reassure one another that things are going to be okay and that there's hope for all of you
-And once he's in the camp? OH THIS MAN IS SINGING YOUR PRAISES. And no, neither DeMarco or Bucky is getting paid enough to listen whenever he wants to just talk about how nice you smell or how your hair feels.
-I just think it would be a really tender relationship that so clearly has a bright future, even when he's in the camps
-He's writing to you dutifully and as often as he can and your future together is the thing that keeps him going
#mota#mota fanfic#masters of the air fanfic#ladies who brady#john brady headcanons#john brady x reader#john brady#masters of the air x reader
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don't block me for this bento lol but while yes i get that her being Huge is hyperbole, i just can't suspend my disbelief that her being tall for a typical IRL asian woman jives with her in-game quote about having trouble getting through doors. she's the only op (outside mudrock i guess) who even has such a line, while men bigger than her have no problems or worries about banging their heads off the supposed tiny doorframe. i'm just being nitpicky about environmental implications i guess lol like why does she have this problem that no one else seems to have. gacha be gacha c'est la vie
also, what was the right line hoshi said to bagpipe? this is the first i've heard of it being mistranslated? :o (thank you for your TL work btw you're one of the few bastions of sense in this wasteland)
you're welcome + all good dw i have a pretty high block threshold for better or worse
Yeah i get it! BUT here is my copium reasoning
184cm + horn height (if as long as her face + average face length = 20cm) + boot heel height (about 3cm) = 207cm which is just very slightly over average door height (here?) which is 205cm and my view is that just slightly missing a few cm is way more troublesome than going through a door that's obviously smaller than your height since you'll definitely know when to duck than having a perceived illusion that you can make it through without bending down a little and then BANG the rhodes door frame has a little hole or something
I mentioned it here in a little rant i did last july but i'll explain it more in detail below (i thought i did before somewhere. probably twitter but i can't find it so i'll just do another one here)
I'll do a more literal TL first
风笛: 那个......我的钱包和护照都丢在莱塔尼亚了。
Bagpipe: Um...I lost both my wallet and passport while I was in Leithanien.
星熊: ......我是不是该佩服你？
Hoshiguma: ...Should I be admiring you?
风笛: ——被炸得一点不剩了。
Bagpipe: ——They got blown up with not even a shred left.
星熊: 我确实该佩服你。
Hoshiguma: Indeed, I should be admiring you.
And 佩服 really does mean admire
'what's wrong then' But admire has like 2 main definitions
And whoever translated it went with the second definition instead of the first; it's not admire in the 'oooo you have an admirer' (someone who fancies you) way, it's admire in the 'wow i admire your tenacity to make your way all the way from Londinium to Lungmen even after almost getting blown to bits otw'
'what makes you so sure its that reading over the other' just read the context of the conversation + I'm well aware of my bias for the JP loc but like. it's because their TL track record is pretty good (esp with characterisation) so I sometimes check it to double confirm my readings, and they use 褒める here which is homeru for you weebs and for everyone else
So back to the lines, admire sounds strange in context, but the idea is that hoshi is so impressed by her tenacity that she goes 'wow should i praise you?' so I would use 'impress' here
Bagpipe: Um...I lost both my wallet and passport while I was in Leithanien.
Hoshiguma: ...Should I be impressed?
Bagpipe: ——They got blown up with not even a shred left.
Hoshiguma: Yeah, I should be.
(Or 'Yeah, that's pretty impressive.' to flow better but it loses the 'should' which I prefer because Hoshi has a tendency to be very passive in her speech)
also also sorry i need to get this out lol i know they want swire to be as bratty as possible or whatever but :\ aghdgfhfgffff as someone who also calls their dad 爸爸 with cantonese tones and not mandarin im just really fucking bummed ok the rep would have been cool it, also has the slightly childish vibe to it that 'daddy' has so (without the discord kitten vibes even /shrug) Yuxia calls her dad 爸 if anyone was wondering
bonus since i mentioned chen's op rec in that og post
insane that swire's oprec was the last of her batch and chen is the first of the batch after so theyre next to each other in the medal list
TL is fine for the most part but man this is some 'parents making you call them by their first name' level of americanization (they took out most of the 警司 especially the one in their 'first' meeting??naur way...)
#bentoask#dlartistanon#arknights#i should tag all these tl posts under something#first half partly inspired by my friend measuring the length of passenger's hair
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Hi!!! I fuckin love your works. Saw you got banned LMAO what did you do
Are there any new fics to be written, or are you still working on those WIPs you mentioned
LMAO Thank you sm! <3 I had a little oopsy daisy with the moderation and my posting privileges have been revoked until the 24th of April.
Edit: can't reply to you guys either so sorry about that 😭😭
I am still working on those requests and WIPs, but I do have a few smaller ideas that I have planned! I was actually going to ask you all which to do first, so I know what's in high demand when I get back. I'm writing these in the order that they're in on my megadraft so.
1. Epilogue for "Sex Sells," The Moth Cries As He Runs From The Rampant Deer: I'll just be explaining what happened to Val after getting his ass kicked, with a bonus news report about the incident. Nothing too snazzy.
2. Story about languages in the hotel (unnamed): I heard a hc floating around that in Hell, everyone speaks their native language (So Charlie Latin, Alastor Creole French, Angel Italian), but there's a sort of translator to remove language barriers. This fic is a sickfic as well, in which not ONLY does the illness make you speak your first language, it has you blurt out the truth of what you think without second thought. Everyone at the hotel is fallen victim to it.
3. Sleepy times yayyyy: Literally just a 5+1 fic. 5 times Alastor is tasked with putting everyone to bed, 1 time he's being put to bed.
4. Hunger fic: Charlie deals with a difficult client, but ends up giving them a room. Everyone hates him, so Alastor decides to do something. Charlie doesn't exactly approve of Alastor’s snack and bans him from eating anything that Charlie doesn't give him herself. Alastor now deals with hunger, locked away in his room, until he finally snaps and goes against the princess. Charlie tries to fix her mess, Alastor goes full-on predator animal mode, and everyone else is just along for the ride. Heavily angsty, and relies on the hc that Alastor's hunger is only satiated by sinner flesh.
5. Radiosilence psychological fic: Something greatly weakens Alastor and Vox finds out. He uses it against him, kidnapping the deer, and melds his brain while he's weak. A slowburn(?) Fic of Alastor’s mindset, while in Vox’s captivity, going from "I need to get out of here and kill him" to "I can't live without him" each time Vox puts him under hypnosis. No g(rape) but very messed up. Also, predicted to be the length of the Angel AU i wrote.
6. Nightmare fic: So Lucifer uses his funky magic to project Alastor’s dreams onto a screen. Don't ask me how. Instead of cheesy romances or cliche power-possessing dreams, Lucifer sees something much, much more messed up. And damn, he regrets it so much.
7. Non-consensual drugging fic: Another torture fic. Lilith injects Alastor with a drug that makes him see everyone around him as someone he loves. This was in attempt to get him more attached (and ergo more obedient) to her but it backfires when he manages to escape to the hotel just as she inserts it. Ensue Alastor freaking out about why his mother is staring at him from the bar but also in the kitchen and simultaneously coming down from the stairs, when in reality, everyone’s just going about their days.
This might not have made sense, so sorry about that. I'll put up a little poll for you guys to pick which you're more excited for. That way, I'll work on it and make sure I post that first when I get back. :)
"Author pick what YOU wanna write!!" i wanna write all of tjem and idk which to prioritise. You guys pick first.
#hazbin hotel#hazbin alastor#ao3 stuff#archive of our own#fanfiction#one sided radiostatic#hazbin vox#chapter updates#customer service at its finest
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Could you please do “The hug where they come running at you, jumping into your outstretched arms, making you stumble backward a little at the added weight of their body pressing against yours. No matter though, because you’re both laughing, arms only tightening around each other.” with a female reader and Papa Copia! Thanks!
I'm so sorry, I couldn't get this mental image out of my head. And now this exists. Enjoy!
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Anyone who has ever watched a full grown man make a split second, extremely questionable decision only to realise his mistake too far into committing to it will know exactly the look on Copia’s face as he flew through the air. (Okay, flew might be a bit of an overstatement, but still…) But I’ve gotten ahead of myself…
The show itself had gone about as well as anyone could have hoped. No technical disasters, no weather problems, Swiss hadn’t fallen off his platform or set his guitar on fire, and Copia was in fine form. For a band who’s performance mode typically left them all sharing a single brain cell, it was damned fun to watch. And, thank the dark lord, you actually got to see it in person.
It wasn’t always possible to come along on tour, but this time was lucky. It was chaos, it was exhausting, it was frustrating, and it was also more fun than anything else in the world. Besides, not being stuck back at the Abbey, counting down the days for them to return and spending evenings on video calls, trying to be grateful for even that would always be preferable.
The fact that Copia always walked off stage absolutely desperate to drag you back to the bus to unwind didn’t hurt either. At least, not in a way that you didn’t enjoy immensely.
When the last chords of the last song played and the screaming crowd became one final wave of noise and devotion, you waited well off to the side. Out of the way. Beaming so hard your cheeks ached. If it was possible to be more proud of anyone, you were sure that it couldn’t be much more. The day had been hot and sticky, but the night had gotten blessedly cool and a breeze made everything feel like it would be all right. All you could think about was the small bus shower and the bed waiting for you both.
Copia walks off stage after the final bows, still in business mode, talking with the ghouls. They always need a few minutes. Going over everything, discussing any issues, checking in with the backstage team. And you wait patiently. Once he sheds the frontman mask, you’ll have your Copia all to yourself.
Watching them all together is entertainment enough as it is. Swiss is already stuffing whatever junk food he get his hands on into his mouth. The ghoul is always famished after a show and it’s let him eat or deal with a hangry boy. Everyone has agreed letting him eat is easier. Dew is smoking away. Literally. Smoke rising off him and drifting off on the breeze. It will dissipate once he unwinds. Phantom stands quietly aside, hands folded in front of himself, tail twitching, just waiting to be released to go run circles around the tour bus to burn off the adrenaline. And the rest are either chattering away or half listening while more engaged in their own post-show rituals.
When Copia waves them off, they scatter quickly. Too many things to do, too much trouble to get into. They’ll be back on the bus before it leaves, but until then, you’re quite happy to not worry about it. Because the man you’re really most interested in takes a deep breath, shakes off the stress and the worry, allowing himself to really bask in the glow of a great ritual and the adoration of the crowd. The void where the tension he’d been holding is filled immediately with the need for you. The desperate, frantic, all consuming need that grinding on a mic stand will never satisfy. His eyes scan the backstage until he spots you.
“Amore!” He calls. There’s a hunger in his eyes and every stagehand who’s been around any length of time instinctively moves out of the path between him and you.
He doesn’t walk over. He doesn’t pause to chitchat along the way. Copia runs for you. Somewhere between spotting you, and reaching you, however, some very dubious decision making takes place. You’re not sure when exactly, but you can say for certain when it is that he realises it’s a bad idea.
Around the same time you realise what it is, exactly, that he’s doing.
And definitely after it’s too late to change his course of action.
Your arms are held out for him, expecting an absolutely rib crushing hug. But you watch, rather helplessly as he twists his torso with the last few steps, leaps off the ground, throwing himself directly at you. Like having Satan’s own golden disco ball hurled at you without warning.
“Copia!” You cry uselessly. Objects in motion being what they are and all. The hug you were expecting rapidly becomes the catch you were unprepared for.
You stumble backward, trying with everything you’ve got to avoid both knocking over anything expensive and dropping your most precious treasure. A feat that would be, admittedly, made a little easier if you hadn’t had the air knocked out of your lungs. But beggars can’t be choosers. And, by some miracle, you find yourself still standing, holding a very surprised Copia, bridal style.
“Amore! I… I don’t know what came over me! Forgive me!” He looks at you like you’ve just grown a second head, looking from your face to your arms holding him up (a little shakily, but all the same) and back again. Finally breaking into a delighted laugh. “Why didn’t you tell me you are so strong???”
You wheeze a soft laugh, feeling your legs shaking a bit. “Copia… my love… don’t take this the wrong way… but you weigh a fucking ton. I’m going to set you down, all right?”
“Of course! Of course!” He lands on his feet in front of you when you drop his legs, and he wraps you in a tight hug. “You are so strong, angelo mio. Mmmm… I like that. Will you show me more? In private?” His teeth tease your neck and his hands wander.
“I think I can manage that.” You giggle and he scoops you up, the same way you’d been holding him. No need to ask where he’s taking you. There’s only one place it could be. Your arms circle his neck and you press yourself tightly against him.
Copia grins cheekily all the way back to the bus, leaning in close as you near the door. “Did you see me on stage tonight? I’m afraid I was very naughty.”
You smile a little wider, biting at his earlobe. “I did see. I was getting a bit jealous of the mic stand.”
If the sound he makes is any indication, the new crotch corset trousers are certainly making themselves worth every penny paid for them.
“I only hope that my Principessa guerriera won’t punish me too terribly.”
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Last ask (sorry for bombarding you) once the grandkids collect themselves (or at least try to), they have a change in style. Go here for inspo, and they're personalities are a mix of Harley Quinn and their old selves. Like comedic villains but you can see the pain and insanity in their eyes.
Dolores - went back to being silent and reserved but all willing to execute, if need be. Listens for information on Alma and the other adults. Blackmails the town for supplies, she knows everyone's secrets so she can get anyone to do what she and her siblings want.
She blackmailed the local seamstress into letting her siblings stay in her house and allowing Mirabel to use all the fabric and thread she needed to give them new outfits/wardrobe.
While in the seamstress's house they all act like it's they're house and SHE'S the guest. But she knows better than to speak up about it and is always polite to them...hoping they spare her life.
Camilo - Comedic, funny, joker vibe. He's taking an interest in theater and pranking people of the village with...not so safe pranks. that includes his and others' parents. He's also the bomb guy, he makes bombs out of fireworks and unsafe chemicals.
He also cooks and bakes, he's the main cook in their small little family. Dolores easily blackmailed some poor soul into giving them free meat, herbs/spices, and whatever else he needs to cook with.
Mirabel - Bubbly, "sweet", always with a smile, main one with ideas, Harley Vibe. She's all of her siblings' seamstress but sometimes when she's tired Dolores and Isabela will help.
The designs of the clothes are very colorful and spontaneous. All with their respective favorite colors, which aren't magenta, yellow, orange, Blue, violet, dark blue, or any color that resembles the family they used to be in.
The outfits are usually knee length skirts, colorful pants, or pantsuits for the girls. Suits, dress shoes, and other types of boyish clothing for Camilo and Antonio.
Isabela - more prone to lash out, poison ivy vibe, more hateful but kind to her hermanitas and hermanitos, "calm", stoic, also the main one with ideas.
Luisa - "Calm", trying to be more fun, Harley and Spinel vibe: Goofy, unhinged, outbursts (not toward her family), intelligent, cunning, still emotional. She's usually the one
Antonio - He's going back to be shy and quiet. All his older siblings give him animal books to read and coloring books to color while they scheme. Dolores also blackmails the toy store owner into giving her free toys for him. At this point they are all putting their effort in to raise him themselves.
He knows what they are doing, he's not a stupid kid, thanks to Alma. He's been raised to be very aware of his surroundings and to notice every single detail in things. So, he knows his siblings are plotting to make the madrigal house crumble, he just doesn't care.
"To hell with them"
All madrigal kids have a small portion of their gifts. Isabela can make small plants appear here and there. Luisa can still lift some heavy stuff but not anything close to houses. Camilo can shapeshift but only for five minutes at a time and the scar in his face makes it hard for him to blend in.
Thankfully makeup exists in Encanto.
Mirabel can still make diamonds and crystals, but they are break pretty easily. She can't make much jewelry anymore but she something new.
She can make beautiful weapons for her to use when the time comes. The only she has to do is to sketch a few ideas on paper and concentrate more on what she wants to make. In the past, she didn't have to concentrate all that much.
It gives her a headache, but she can withstand it. in the end she has the pretty glass/crystal weapons she wanted.
But of course, these are just suggestions and you can edit things to your liking.
Literally love all of these. I probably won't get to this AU for a long while, I have a story I promised someone back in April that I'm posting tonight, along with finishing all my other stories. I will let you know when I've got something written out and I'll run it by you before posting
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(1) I’ve largely erred on the side of not saying this because I don’t care to rain on anyone’s parade, but since you mentioned feeling like the friendship between Tomura and Spinner can get blown out of proportion, I can think of at least one concrete reason for why that disconnect might exist. I obviously don't blame people for taking the official translations at face value, but I feel like Spinner's line about "bonding" with Tomura over games is another example of sentiments getting
Ahhhhhh lot of good stuff here
Putting a cut for length but also people who just don't wanna see this type of response
I feel this way about a lot of peoples' interpretations of the League and their interactions. Not just Spinner and Shigaraki, but all of them. I feel like a lot of gestures get blown way out of proportion. Shigaraki's "I just want them to be able to live how they see fit" does not equal "Their happiness is my priority, and I'm going to work to create a world where they can be happy". I'm sorry but those two are not the same thing, and I haven't seen Shigaraki act in such a way either. Those two goals may point in the same direction (they don't because he's a fucking liar to his own face and so is Toga to her own face), but that kind sentiment did not suddenly mean that he is prioritizing their happiness and wellbeing above all else. If that was the case, well, they wouldn't have formed a giant ass army to take on the world at war and risk dying (which one of them did) and Spinner wouldn't be in the situation he is in now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .
I don't want to rain on people's parades either, but my opinions are pretty clear and have been for a while and people have had plenty of time to block/unfollow me as they see necessary. So at this point, I don't hold back (I try very hard to avoid being super negative though about any character in general). I used to hold back my not so popular (in the villain corner of the fandom) interpretations on the League up until recently. As we've gotten closer to the end, I've decided that I'm just gonna put my opinion out into the void even if many people--specifically in the little circle of blogs I occupy--don't like it. And many don't, and that's okay. My opinion doesn't change unless the manga gives me a reason to change it.
Spinner and Shigaraki--I have a lot of issues here, MAJORITY of it due to fandom hyping them up as more than they are. And look, I don't care when stuff is clearly fanon or headcanons. Posts that are meant to be taken that way are usually pretty clear about it. But these are whole analyses based off of this overblown bond/friendship that literally only Spinner seems to acknowledge/be so attached to.
I don't doubt Shigaraki views everyone in the League as a friend in some capacity. I don't doubt that at all. I don't doubt that he cares and genuinely wants them to live how they want. However, I would like for someone to show me where he pays the same type of special attention to Spinner that Spinner gives to him. Imo, Shigaraki treats them all pretty equally--Spinner included.
I didn't know that about the Japanese, and yet, I still felt this way. Assuming that someone who has a good understanding of Japanese can correct your statement, I'm gonna take your word for it since I can't say shit otherwise lol. But cool--yeah that particular line is used quite a bit. And I get it! It's fun especially if you ship the characters or just enjoy their interactions.
But I feel like people overlook the fact that Spinner's idolization and attachment is literally negative and is a challenge in his arc, not some cute uwu friendship that was just about video games (when would they have played video games in canon??? WHEN????).
Spinner decided to seriously devote himself to Shigaraki (which in itself is a weird not great thing to do) during MVA, because it looked as if Shigaraki had made progress and overcome a barrier and become this all powerful destructive god who can make dreams come true (dreams for someone who wants to lash out at least). But MVA was not any of that. MVA was Shigaraki doing exactly what AFO wanted him to do--get worse emotionally, spiral more mentally and become even more unstable, and hate himself to the point that he sees no point in thinking or hoping for change for the better. Perfect, all according to keikaku. And THAT is when Spinner was like "FUCK YEAH THIS GUY". I know Spin didn't know that, but come oN guys THE TIMING OF IT IS SO FORETELLING.
AND IT WAS. Because look now. What has turned me completely off to this dynamic is the fandom hyping it up as a pure devotion that isn't stemming from a lot of self-worth issues and negative idealization. Spinner associates Shigaraki with destruction, rage, anger, and misery. That's also what Shigaraki associates himself with, and that's exactly what AFO wants. And man, he sure got it out of both of them.
And I'd like it if people acknowledged that more for what it is, but it's just reduced down to "two gamers that AFO groomed and took advantage of". And I feel that is just super oversimplifying what actually happened. AFO didn't groom Spinner from the age of 5, he took advantage of a vulnerability he was able to pinpoint super quickly after Spinner made it painfully obvious.
I like Spinner more on his own, and I like the potential for him to face the reality that him ignoring his gut instincts in favor of that dream of destruction he associates with Shigaraki eventually led to him making things worse for Shigaraki--unintentionally. I mean he hasn't made shit hit the fan YET--but man if things aren't looking ominous as fuck right now. AFO is counting on Spinner? Oof. But the potential for drama here is exciting, and I'm ready for it.
But yeah. I agree--it's overblown imo. It has become a plot point in Shigaraki's arc in a negative way. So I feel people miss the mark when they focus on how devoted Spinner is to Shigaraki during all of this mess, because that's exactly why things look the way they do lol.
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hooked on a feeling
*this isn't actually a new fic, but i realize that i never posted it beyond sharing the event post 🙈
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Characters: Stiles Stilinski, Derek Hale, Sheriff Stilinski (Teen Wolf)
Additional Tags: POV Stiles Stilinski, Established Relationship, Slice of Life
Summary:
Stiles brings Derek home for spring break. Since his dad’s not home, they head up to his room for a quickie. Cue embarrassment when the sheriff knocks on his bedroom door, asking if they're done yet because he'd like to meet Stiles's new boyfriend...
*can be read on its own but is a sequel to it's obvious, you're oblivious
"Thanks," Stiles said to the Uber driver as the guy handed them their bags. Both of which Derek snatched up before Stiles even had a chance to grab one. Stiles chuckled at his boyfriend.
Boyfriend.
He was still getting used to saying that. A few months ago, they were roommates with a tentative friendship, mainly because Stiles thought Derek kind of hated him. Okay, hate is probably a strong word. More like Derek only put up with him because of their close proximity.
Stiles had no idea that Derek—his insanely attractive alpha werewolf roommate that literally everyone had the hots for—was harboring a crush on him, of all people. On Stiles Stilinski, the goofy, sarcastic, could barely walk two feet without tripping on air disaster of a human. Even if it seemed like a majority of the alphas on campus also suddenly seemed interested in him.
None of them compared to Derek.
He could still remember the way Derek’s words were somehow both hopeful and despondent as he’d looked at Stiles and said, 'I'm in love with you.'
Thinking back, Stiles could see that it had been a long time coming. They were drawn to each other from the moment they met but kept each other at arm's length because neither wanted to be hurt. But then Derek, who had spent most of his pre-Stiles life keeping people at arm's length, handed his heart over to Stiles without a second thought. Even if it seemed like he hadn't really meant to say it.
There were no takebacks after that.
Not when Stiles threw himself at Derek and kissed him. Not when Stiles had said, 'I love you too.'
"Babe."
Derek's voice drew Stiles out of his thoughts. He looked up, meeting Derek's gaze, and smiled. "Sorry."
"It's okay. You good?" Derek asked, concern etched across his unfairly handsome face. He probably sensed Stiles's nerves getting the better of him, but how else was Stiles supposed to be when he was bringing his boyfriend home for the first time? "Thought I was supposed to be the nervous one."
Stiles chuckled, pulling his keys from his pockets, and led Derek to the front door. "You're never nervous."
Not even when Derek brought Stiles home during Christmas. No, Stiles had been a nervous wreck then, too.
Now it was Derek's turn to chuckle. "I can assure you, I'm plenty nervous to meet your dad. The Sheriff," he said as if Stiles needed reminding. Derek kissed the side of his head. "You know, the man who carries a gun loaded with wolfsbane bullets."
God, Derek was so good at this. At calming him down. Stiles put his key in the lock, smiling at the familiar click as he turned it. It was good to be home. "You're a dork. And he promised to leave the wolfsbane bullets at work."
Derek nuzzled Stiles's neck and a warmth spread throughout his body. He pushed open the door to reveal his family's house. It was exactly as Stiles remembered it, but at the same time, everything was different. He was home, but Derek was with him. He was bringing his boyfriend home, and it felt...right.
He stepped into the entryway, Derek right behind him, and smiled. Taking a deep breath, Stiles turned to Derek. "Ready?"
Derek grinned. "Yeah."
Stiles gave him a quick kiss before calling out, "Dad? Dad, I'm home."
But he was met with silence. He even looked to Derek for confirmation.
Derek tilted his head to the side, like he was listening for any little sound but then shook his head. "It's just us here."
Stiles went over to the front window because he hadn't paid attention when they came in, and sure enough, the cruiser wasn't in the driveway. Which just showed where his headspace was at if he missed that. "Shit. He must have gotten called into work."
Because they had talked earlier, and his dad had even offered to pick them up from the airport, but Stiles insisted on taking an Uber. He didn't want his dad and Derek to meet at an airport surrounded by a bunch of strangers.
"Well, I say we take advantage of the free time." Derek came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Stiles and pulling him close. He kissed Stiles just below his ear, on that spot that always made his knees weak. "You could show me your room. You said you had some things you wanted to tick off your list."
Stiles smiled, already feeling less stressed, and nodded because yes. His list.
Before Derek, Stiles had never really dated. Sure, he went out on a date or two here and there, but nothing ever came of it. The relationships were never serious enough that Stiles brought them home, so there had been no heated make-out sessions on the living room couch—and certainly not in his childhood bedroom.
It was a travesty.
So, needless to say, since his dad wasn't home, Stiles was definitely going to take advantage of this opportunity.
He practically dragged Derek through the house and up the stairs to his room, barely stopping to point things out. Derek was smart. A kitchen, living room, and dining room were staples in any household. Right now, all Stiles wanted was Derek in his bed.
And as soon as they got to his room, Stiles slammed the door shut and plastered himself to Derek, kissing him deeply—nerves all but forgotten.
Derek chuckled against his lips, gripping his hips as he stepped forward, pressing Stiles against the door. "So eager already."
"Can't help it." Stiles's fingers went straight to Derek's pants, but Derek shoved his leg between Stiles's thighs, grinding against him, making Stiles lose all train of thought.
Seriously, every thought just flew away like dust in the wind. Especially when Derek mouthed at his neck. He loved leaving marks all over Stiles, letting everyone know that Stiles was taken.
Stiles had to laugh at that because it most definitely worked. Most of the alphas that had once gone out of their way to talk to him had suddenly disappeared once it was obvious that Stiles and Derek were dating. Not that Stiles minded at all. They were entitled jackasses who thought they were special just because they were alphas. The few who still talked to him were also friendly with Derek now. Though Derek still had trouble remembering their names, a power move that made Stiles roll his eyes—fondly, of course.
Honestly, Stiles loved how possessive Derek got. He loved when Derek would growl if someone got too close to him. He loved every mark Derek left on his body, even though their friends gave him shit for it. If Stiles could mark Derek the same way, he absolutely would.
Because Derek was his. Derek made his heart skip a beat, made him feel loved and wanted. He'd never felt like this before and never wanted it to end.
Stiles hissed when Derek bit down particularly hard on his neck, the sting going straight to his cock.
Okay, clearly not all thoughts had left his brain if he had a chance to get lost in them.
"Fuck. Do that again," Stiles pleaded, baring his neck even more. But the pleasure-pain he asked for never came. Instead, Derek slid his hands down Stiles's sides. Stiles instinctively jumped, wrapping his legs around Derek's waist, moaning when Derek squeezed his ass.
Derek kissed him, and Stiles got lost in the sensation—at the way Derek moaned when their tongues moved together. How his breathing became erratic and shallow. At the way Derek's hands slipped under his shirt, shamelessly roaming his body.
Stiles tried to rut against him, but he was unceremoniously dumped onto his bed, bouncing once before Derek gripped his ankle, pulling him down a little. Stiles yelped at the manhandling but also loved it. Loved whenever Derek was playful like this.
The bed dipped when Derek crawled between his spread legs, and Stiles smiled up at him when Derek hovered just above him. "Hi."
Derek leaned down, brushing their noses together before kissing him softly. His breath ghosted over Stiles's face as he whispered, "Hey, yourself."
Stiles giggled—like a legitimate schoolgirl giggle that he'd typically be embarrassed about if there were anyone else besides Derek in the room. But he knew he had no reason to be self-conscious around Derek. Derek loved him and all his ridiculousness. He even encouraged it most times.
"I still can't believe you've never had anyone in here before," Derek said, looking around the room.
Stiles tracked his gaze from the Star Wars posters on the wall to his high school lacrosse jersey slung over the back of his desk chair. He managed a shrug, wondering what Derek thought of his childhood bedroom. It was vastly different from Derek's—where there was a place for everything and everything in its place.
Derek's gaze met his again. "Is it weird that it's kind of turning me on to know I'm the first guy you've brought home?"
Stiles snorted, the noise quickly turning to a moan when Derek ground their hips together. "N-No. Not weird. I'll admit, I was a little jealous when your sister mentioned your ex while I was staying with you during winter break."
He'd have loved to have been the first person Derek introduced to his family, but Derek had a life before they met. The asshole.
Derek chuckled as if he knew precisely what Stiles was thinking and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "You don't have to be jealous. You're my world, Stiles."
It really felt like his heart just might burst because Stiles felt the same. So he smiled and nodded. "Now where were we?"
"I think we were—" Derek leaned down, brushing his nose along Stiles's jaw. His eyes twinkled with mischief as he slid a hand down Stiles's stomach, fingers dipping under the band of his pants. "Right here."
"Fuck." Stiles arched his back, fisting the sheets as he waited for Derek to do something.
And Derek didn't disappoint. He dragged his teeth over the mark he'd left earlier, sucking until Stiles was on the brink of coming. Then, as if Derek knew Stiles was about to lose control, he moved. All that delicious weight disappeared off him, making Stiles whine.
His head fell back onto the pillow in disappointment. Derek's name was on the tip of his tongue, ready to be cursed, but before he could get it out, Derek leaned down and kissed him—a sweet and gentle kiss that only made Stiles love him even more.
"So impatient," Derek murmured against his lips, and the only reason Stiles didn't still curse his name was that Derek was shirtless. All those glorious muscles were on display, shifting and bunching as Derek moved.
"Can't help it," Stiles said, whimpering when Derek's hands slid up his sides, pushing Stiles's shirt up up up until Stiles had no choice but to raise his arms so Derek could pull it off.
Derek tossed the shirt to the side, grimacing when it hit Stiles's lamp, which thankfully didn't fall. "Oops?"
Stiles laughed, wrapping his legs around Derek’s waist. "Not the worse thing that's happened in here."
"Oh yeah?" Derek asked, pressing a trail of wet, open-mouthed kisses over Stiles's shoulder that made Stiles bite down on his bottom lip. "Do tell."
"Well," Stiles said, snorting when Derek blew a raspberry against his neck. "I tripped over my lacrosse stick once. It sent me straight into my closet," he pointed at his closet, which had those cheap bi-fold doors, "and knocked the doors off the tracks."
"That doesn't sound so bad." Derek continued his trail down Stiles's body, stopping to lick and suck on Stiles's nipples.
It sent a shiver down Stiles's spine and made his cock strain against his jeans. His voice came out rough—laced with so much lust that it wasn't surprising that Derek's eyes flashed crimson. They always did when Stiles was aroused. "Yeah, well, it wouldn't have been, except when I tried to get up, the door fell out of the closet, hit my desk chair, knocking it over. One of the wheels was loose and somehow went flying and broke my window."
Derek stopped in his tracks, probably wondering how the fuck all that had managed to happen. "I—"
Stiles pressed a finger to Derek's lips. "Shh…I don't know either. It just happened."
Derek bit his fingertip gently before sucking on it. It really wasn't fair that something as simple as that made Stiles shudder, but at the same time, it was Derek doing it, so—
Well, just so.
Derek could recite the alphabet and Stiles would sit there drooling for more. Most people probably would, but they didn't matter because Derek only wanted him.
Stiles missed the wet heat of Derek's mouth, but it was fine because Derek began kissing down his chest again.
"Derek," Stiles whined because he wanted more. Needed it. "Please. I need it. I need you."
Derek growled, then there were pinpricks on his hips from Derek's claws, and Stiles smirked. He knew how much Derek loved hearing him beg. Knew it made him lose control. So he did it again. Whimpering and pleading for more until they were both finally naked.
Then it was game over as Derek took what he wanted until pleasure lit up Stiles's entire body. Until all that was left was them curled around each other, completely sated.
For a moment, Stiles lay there—perfectly still. Taking in the silence and warmth that surrounded them. Unfortunately, the moment was broken when there was a knock on his door. His bedroom door. And the only person who would even be home right now would be—
"Stiles," his dad's voice called through the closed door. "If you're done, why don't you boys join me downstairs? I'd love to meet your boyfriend now."
"Fuck." Stiles scrambled out of bed, arms flailing as he grabbed his clothes, hastily putting them on before opening the door a crack. "He-ey, dad. You're home early. I mean, totally wasn't expecting you here."
His dad raised an unimpressed brow and crossed his arms. "That's funny because when we talked this morning, I told you I'd be here."
Stiles chuckled, scratching the side of his neck nervously. "I…thought you got called in?"
That earned him one of those looks like his dad was contemplating all his life's choices.
"Well, you weren't here, were you?" Stiles continued because his foot was already in his mouth, so why not?
"I went to the grocery store to get food." The smirk on his dad's face made Stiles narrow his eyes.
"What kind of food?" he asked, mimicking his dad's stance with his arms crossed over his chest.
"Steak."
Before Stiles could even open his mouth to protest his dad’s food choices, Derek slid an arm around his waist, simultaneously pulling Stiles back and opening the door more. "Sheriff Stilinski. It's nice to meet you, sir. I'm Derek Hale."
Derek thrust his hand out, and Stiles bit his lip in worry, but it only lasted a second before his dad took Derek's hand.
"Nice to meet you, son. You don't have to be so formal here. Just Sheriff will do."
Stiles groaned, throwing his head back against Derek's shoulder. "Da-ad. Seriously?"
His dad chuckled, clasping him on the shoulder and pulling him into a hug. "It's good to see you, kiddo. Missed you around here."
"I missed you too." Stiles held his dad tightly.
"Well, I'm gonna get the grill started," his dad said, pulling away. "See you boys when you're ready to come down."
Stiles nodded as his dad walked away, unable to wipe the huge grin off his face as he glanced back at Derek.
"Shower first?" he asked, and Derek nodded, pressing a kiss to Stiles's temple.
"Yeah."
He smiled and grabbed Derek's hand, walking into the bathroom, trying hard to not get lost in the moment. Derek was here, and his dad had welcomed Derek like family—even called him son.
And though they still had dinner to get through and probably an interrogation of some sort, Stiles was happy.
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Tag 9 people you want to get to know better
i did this some time ago but most answers are gonna be different so let's go!! thank youu, @fangirlmedstudentblog and @markpakin 💞
Three Ships
TinnGun - no surprises here, these two have become everyone's comfort couple so quickly
HiraKiyoi - again, not a shocker in the slightest, they are my insane comfort bfs
DaisyIntouch - in honour of opp's viral moment with The7's Get Loose i can't not mention the most gentle, sweetest couple in SCOY; i wish their arc was handled a bit better, it felt rushed by the end; they're amazing nonetheless
First Ever Ship
let's go with first bl ship (live action) which i beliiieeve is kenji and shiro from kinou nani tabeta? and if it's not them it might be junjae and takuya from the lover
Last Song
youtube
Last Movie
i procrastinated on this just so the answer would be worth it (cause i watched a mediocre french movie but mostly didn't pay attention and that didn't sound like a good answer); the movies i saw today instead of the indian movie im procrastinating on seeing:
She's Dating the Gangster (2014) - this philippino movie made me realise that netflix's "true love" category should've been called "heartbreak" but they renamed it so well
the intros and summaries truly suck because i thought i was going into a light "fake dating" romcom with a pair of cute silly teens as the leads! what i got instead was so sad and a tad bit melodramatic that at the end i didn't know how to feel.. i did cry though! i was hanging in there and yet it got me; it's a sweet movie, although it could be overwhelming, and i would recommend it! it's kind of my fave out of the three, i wasn't too sure how it was gonna end too; one really strong point is the sweet twist on the makeover trope that the movie doesn't even use to promote itself, it's kinda naturally in there and it made me so happy
Jumping From High Places (2022) - this italian romantic-but-more-about-self-growth movie about a young woman with anxiety was not technically confusing but it had me bored halfway through (again, the sample video thingy netflix shows had an energy that imo was not there throughout the film, i found it misleading); i'm just happy i picked up on smth that is probably supposed to be a surprising reveal hehe; i wouldn't not recommend it, i feel like it could be relatable and a sweet experience for some
Your Place or Mine (2023) - a typical hollywood movie, what can i say, it's been pushed onto me and i was kinda interested, gonna lie if i say the cast wasn't a part of the reason i caved in (i'm curious bout what kutcher and witherspoon are doing now, yeah);
i think it's kinda bland, it had some good sentiments but at the end i found the female lead too unlikeable and the story kind of stretched out and a bit rushed at the same time (maybe it was actually well paced and a proper length, just not my thing, that's possible. the gray overlay (?) was so depressing though, even her bright and green home felt awfully unwelcoming)
Currently Watching
literally only My School President lol everything else is in either "on-hold", "plan to watch" or "have to catch up on!!"
Currently Reading
oh how i want to say svsss vol.2 but i'm stuck once again, i mostly read long posts and student books, not even manga
Currently Consuming
"too much media at once in theory and not nearly as much in practice" is a valid answer, isn't it lol
Currently Craving
more convos w moots ig
i might be tagging people who have done it or don't like tag games, it's very hard to track these sometimes so sorry 🫶 @hello-n-goodbye @himbodelamain @soundgun @sillsif @jingyanwang @catwalkninja @catboyjosten @belladonna-and-the-sweetpeas @chinzhillababy
#the usual “do it if you want to and pls tag me” is valid ofc#dear tired med student i hope your exam goes great (or in case im too late - that its gone great 💕)#"There is no 'answer'… but Eleanor is the answer.” vi why you gotta do me like this i had forgotten#also reading evelyn? did you finish it already? i was thinking about it like 2 days ago i remember finding it boring at the beginning#and then finshing it pretty quickly haha
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Hi!
1st of all. I'm above 18 so I wanted to know if you could tag me in NSFW and SFW?
2nd of all, could you maybe make a COD mashup for one of my friends?
He has a type of long lengthed mohawk which goes into a type of wolfcut. (Blonde with a white stripe at the front) Blue green eyes mixed.
He has this long scar on his right lower leg at the front from tripping over electric wires, he actually likes it though. Also an injection scar on his right shoulder.
He doesn't really have one personality, normally changes depending on who he's with. But he normally acts sarcastic and like dad jokes.
He likes ranting about random stuff and his opinions. He also likes spitting out random facts of sharks literally out of the blue. He loves sharks 🤣
His type is difficult to say, but he does like men so yeah. He kinda likes same height people and anyone who can help with his hair and has a good personality. He finds it amusing if they're shy in any way. (If that helps idk)
He can never sit still or stand in place, he has to keep moving or else he'd lose it.
He has the type of look in his face like he's about to execute your entire bloodline- Sometimes it's scary. He also ghost blinks, sooo he doesn't really blink for long periods of time.
He likes video games, especially anything to do with killing. It's just fun to get his rage out like that.
Sorry for the long message but yeah, I understand if you can't do it btw!! <3
//yes, if you want to be tagged, leave a reply on this post
🤔 I think I'd pair him with...
Johnny "Soap" MacTavish 🧼
I think Soap would be a pretty good match
Soap is a pretty fun guy to be around so I think almost everyone can be friends with him
I can totally see them getting along playing video games
He'll also help styling his hair
And taking turns telling the worst dad jokes
Soap would probably convince him to pull pranks on Ghost, Gaz, or Price x3
Soap would start to develop feelings for him
Which he can be a bit shy once he accepts those feelings
Eye contact and Soap would look away, with a small blush on his cheeks
Ghost would take notice and tease Soap
"Ask him out."
"I can't just ask him out, Lt. I..."
He'd pause.
"...I don't know if he'd like me back."
"Don't know if you don't try"
#ask#request#call of duty matchup#cod matchup#match up#matchup#cod mw#cod mw2#cod mw3#cod#call of duty modern warfare 3#call of duty modern warfare#call of duty modern warfare 2#call of duty#cod soap#call of duty soap#johhny soap mactavish#soap cod#soap x reader#soapxreader
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ok ok I'm doing the silly and. talking abt my writing and showing parts of it and you gotta promise not to judge me and even if you find it cringe keep it to yourself pls be nice to me i am very sensitive!!!!!! anyway.
(tw for general depressing shit, mentions of death and implied csa near the end) (also this got so long I'm so sorry)
so the latest song(?) i wrote is called קלף טאקי בשולחן פוקר which is a reference to a local meme lol. i think i mentioned it before but if you missed it, it roughly translates to "uno card at a poker table". i think you can already guess what the topic of the song is. i actually wrote it after months of not writing anything and it felt like some of the grime on my brain was scrubbed off god bless
i have a file of a bunch of lines i come up with and don't know where to put yet and some of them are actually lifted from vent posts i make here and. this song was the first time i used smth from that file!! yippee!!!!
anyway i am not posting the whole thing bc my rhyming is. not good but I'll post some of my favorite parts in it i think. starting with
the lines the song opens with! originally it was called "unfit" (this word will come later too) but i wanted to get silly with it, hence the meme reference
speaking of references, that second line is one, to "avalanche" by bring me the horizon. great depression song go listen to it if you haven't yet. i kept thinking abt that line while writing and eventually i went "sure why not, may as well pay a tiny homage to one of my fav bands ever"
these are the opening lines of the second verse^
ik the length of the first one is a bit much compared to others and esp the first verse (see above), but this is one of the lines i grabbed from the aforementioned collection file and i was too attached to it to change it. i feel like once there's music and shit it might solve this
anyway i feel like here it's clearer what the topic actually is (the chorus also helps, but we'll get to that later) - having to be fake and pretending to be someone else in order for people to like you. the song wasn't originally supposed to be abt that but ngl most of what i write eventually comes to this lol (i think i have at least 3 other pieces about this oof <- joker kinnie)
this one!!!!! is a reference!!!!! to a play i liked as a teen and used a monologue from multiple times in acting school (everyone in the class loved the way i did it and asked me to keep using it in stuff and who am i to say no), dentity crisis by christopher durang!! it's about, well, identity crises lol, and eventually the main character loses herself trying to make sense of the people around her and the chaos of her life so naturally it felt like a fitting reference to make, esp with the whole theater theme
this is the. i wanna say bridge but idk all the right terminology oof. like the part before the final chorus+outro.
i think you might've picked up by now that this is a bit of a silly, somewhat sarcastic song on some level, hence the improv line lmao
when i hear this part in my head it's very dramatic, lots of belting like a broadway showstopper, mixed with some. almost spoken, yet still sing-song-y lines
and here the whole theater motif really picks up the pace too. honestly this one appears in a lot of my writing for obvious reasons, but it's especially fitting when the song is literally about pretending to be someone else in order to be loved
the game thing peeks its head in the first chorus which we will get into in a sec, but either way i think it goes hand in hand. games are often abt getting into the shoes of another character yknow? and there's a whole play on the word, well, play lol. and how it's both for games and for acting (in my first language we straight up don't have another word like "act". it's just the same as play and that's it. so maybe it works better in my head for that reason idk!)
music wise i imagine in the last 2~ lines the beat starts to slow down, the notes become a bit higher, every syllable is drawn out for a bit longer, and in "stops" there's a short pause before the final chorus comes in. speaking of!
yeah showing each of them separately would've been a bit too cringey even for me. i don't think they're good as standalones BUT i like them together paralleling each other. it's smth i like to do in almost every song i write tbh, and very often i switch between "i" "you" and "we" as the song keeps going, to sort of draw the listener/reader in and let them become a part of the "narrative" if they want to and relate to it hehe. kind of make them (and me) feel less alone in this feeling
second chorus talking abt masks is once again smth i put in a lot of what i write (<- joker kinnie. again) askflglg sorry for not being original it will happen again 👍 but what can i say, it's relevant to the topic!!
in the last one i tried adding some sense of urgency. a reminder that this comes after the build up of the bridge, so it'll either be more intense or more quiet. haven't decided yet.
"maybe one day I'll fit" goes with the original "unfit" idea. bc at the end of the day this is what it's all about yknow? gotta make up a humansona and constantly roleplay as it to get through.
and through that "maybe one day" sentiment I'll slide into the outro. it's less sung than it is spoken sing-songly and dramatically to the beat (speaking of, i imagine a slight key change by now, as well as the music itself becoming more chaotic and intense and messy for this part), so i didn't bother much with rhyming or a steady pace heh
i mean. can it really be something i wrote without at least one reference to death and/or being a slut (<- dazai kinnie).
actually ironically "better die as myself than be loved as a character" might be my favorite line in the whole thing bc. well as i said the song is sarcastic. in its essence it's about being TIRED of pretending to be someone else. it's about how it's not something you actually want, you only want its benefits. but eventually, at the end of the song, you're just too tired to keep it up. all shows have to end eventually. and, this connects back to the first chorus - "maybe one day I'll be myself", kind of implying this one day might be in death, since all of life is pretending (only good vibes and fun on this blog ♡)
but. not dead yet. and i still want the benefits. so better find an alternative! nobody needs to know who you are if you've got tits they can touch! - is what i learned growing up and as a teen it never failed me lol.
so, the song ends with finally taking off the mask, but. taking off everything else in the process as well. all for being wanted, or the pretense of being loved, because that's the only thing that matters 👌
and that's it! i apologize for being depressing and for how long it got, but i hope you liked it anyway uwu
#took me longer to write this post than the actual song.#my writing#again . be nice to me please . if you liked any of it you're welcomed to tell me it will make my day tbh 🥺
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Okay, so, uh, Hello!
It's been a while, I know. I'm really sorry about that, about not having posted in so long.
I am still working on the next two chapters! Which is about how much I think is going to be left in Tsundoku, in all honesty.
Before the riots begin - that isn't going to be the end of the series! I have a sequel planned after I finally manage to finish Tsundoku, although the chapters will be of a more manageable length.
When I started writing Tsundoku, even before I posted that first giant chunk that was later split in half, I was in a different place. Writing was literally an escape, I was unemployed at first and then job jumping, and also very depressed and stuck in a rather one sided and controlling relationship. Pumping out 20k for a chapter was literally me trying not to think about or deal with the situation I was in, to escape in a very real meaning of the word. I couldn't afford to eat more than once a day and I was avoiding hunger with either sleep or writing, and I'm a chronic insomniac, so...
I did more writing than anything else, because I was trying to process but didn't have any other outlets.
There are a few hundred other projects I was writing at the same time as I first started making up Asuka, although I had only had the courage to post Tsundoku when the time came.
So now, I work an average of 50 hours a week - not counting OT on the weekends, despite how often I work Saturdays - and I help my sister take care of her children. I have to send money to my family frequently because I'm the only one with steady employment - I'm trying to work up the energy to work on that problem next - and there have been some truly horrible things happening since ye old apocalypse started.
There are other responsibilities in my life now that make working on such long chapters a really trying task. Exhausting.
You may have seen me posting new things in other fandoms - and even Naruto! - but honestly I was trying to not fall completely into writers block. Into burnout. Those chapters are a blip compared to the heavy things that Tsundoku chapters are. Practically brain candy in comparison.
When I started to post other things even while writing Tsundoku, it was because I knew that I was starting to hit my creative limit and was terrified of losing what I'd created. Of fading out with an incomplete work that people complained about.
Everyone says that you shouldn't rely on fandom to pull yourself out of real life problems. That comments shouldn't be about validation or be what makes you're worth something. You shouldn't take negativity to heart or let yourself revolved around your inbox.
Tsundoku, and the people that it has brought into my life, the confidence and self worth - no matter how unhealthy the means - saved my life. And kind of my soul, in a creative sense.
Not to go into a lot of drama or anything, but I'd never been called anything like a good writer before I started posting. I got accused of plagiarism in school because my teachers would look at me in my ill-fitting, third hand clothes, knowing the home situation I came from, and decided because I was consistently failing math that I couldn't write. The question "who wrote this for you" was one that followed me until I graduated, and it's been a weight ever since. Dragging me down, unable to appreciate my own creations or share them, because I knew that no one was going to believe it was good because it was mine.
You guys? You guys taught me that all of those teachers were full of shit. At least there was something to be enjoyed in what I'd created, and I - thankfully - haven't had to deal with plagiarism as a whole in fandom.
Thanks US education system, you gave me a complex that lasted literally decades.
Maybe I'll never write and publish a novel like I used to dream about. Never be that famous author that I'd wanted to be so I didn't have to live like I grew up even after I became an adult.
The response I recieved for posting that first truly ridiculous chunk of Tsundoku hit me like a punch in the gut. I think the first response was about the summary and the fact that it was misleading for the plot.
Of which at the time, I had no plans for. The plot. The chunk in the summary was just something random I had thought of that I had sort of wanted to put into the fic if I even got to that point. Part of the wave arc, I think? Then the commenter threw a chunk of my own newly posted fic at me, when i hadn't written and posted fanfic for years, and I realized "huh, that does fit. That's weird" because it didn't feel like something I would write because I'd never really considered my own shit worth much.
I figured, at posting originally in a panic, I'd read some truly unfortunate fic over the years, so maybe someone would at least look at it? I'm honestly not sure if I wanted someone to actually read it or if I was afraid of that very thing.
Not that the positive response would literally be able to carry me through a day. And yes, I'm entirely aware that that wasn’t a healthy response or interaction with fandom, but it was more than I had before that. I make "friends" very easily, but I don't have a lot of mental or emotional energy for face to face interaction, which kind of makes most relationships... fade.
You guys were my support, however unknowingly.
When I say I reread comments when I have a bad day, I mean it. I scroll through all of the - nearly 4k, jeez - comments in my inbox and reread them, letting the many and varied ways my efforts have been appreciated buoy me.
So when I say I am never going to abandon Tsundoku? I mean it.
Tsundoku may be a fic of ridiculous proportions in comparison to my other projects, but it's... it's my baby. A piece of myself that I put out not expecting anything good but ended up overwhelmingly wrong about. I put a lot into that fic, and it grew beyond my wildest dreams.
So, honestly, this is more of a thank you than a post about letting you know where I'm at.
Thank you, commenters, readers, my internet bros, for letting me love writing again.
I will never stop appreciating that.
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hi youn you don't really know me but i just wanted to say your tags on that most recent reblog of the "reblog art posts you like" post are so real and i really appreciate you taking the time to write all of that. i'm a hobbyist content creator myself (i do it for myself + my close friends) but i've never really posted anything online because i worry about basically exactly that kind of thing. especially with my ocs. i don't think i'm capable of making myself not look at the notes, the one time i made a text post it somehow got like 60 likes and 5 reblogs and from that other post you reblogged that looks actually pretty generous which is horrifying to me.
anyway um thank you. as someone who regularly puts effort into running their mouth in the tags of art+writing posts (and has gotten multiple dms thanking me for doing so, actually!) and is too afraid to post on this site, i really really agree that reblogs and especially heartfelt tags make such a difference, and the situation here on tumblr is really discouraging to active creators and to new/silent creators as well. like current creators getting fed up and leaving is a big concern obviously but there is also already content being missed before it's even posted. and i would be really surprised if that weren't the case for many other young creators that just decided to keep their ideas to themselves because of all this.
i know personally when I see this happening to artists (including writers) that i really look up to what it really feels like is just that fandom is dying. like it's just a small handful of content creators here holding each other up (the majority of that handful of reblogs) and everyone else is probably on some kind of a mindless content scroll. likes to me are like a little hand wave, like a "hey I saw this thing!" marker, but reblogs are like taking a picture of it, going "hey I like this!" or "i want to see this again!" and it feels kind of weird to see swarms of people just kind of giving a little thumbs up/wave/brief nod to something they theoretically like.
sorry this got so long!!! i just really appreciated your post and i had a few thoughts and then i wrote a whole wall.. (also no pressure to post this (though it's also ok if you do)! mostly wanted to let you know that post meant a lot to me)
hi, dont apologise or worry about the length of this message! its all fine!
i forgot to mention it in the rb tags and my post earlier but YES. yes exactly, reblogs esp with tags on it, ppl gushing or talking about the creation they rb is always the best thing for a creator. this can literally make our days, i have messages and tags saved for whenever i feel unhappy about my stuff so i can look them up again! it really means a lot, so not only do you show your love and support to the creator and their work by rb, it can also make us so so happy to see you talk about it
and yes, its really really hard for new/starting creators to post here, bc of this issue. as well as for OCs!!! thats mostly why i also keep my OCs away and just do fanart bc honestly, i think this would actually sadden me so i dont want that. and knowing that many people do that too is very sad bc theres so much stuff people wanna show but dont dare bc they feel like no ones gonna look anw. so much creativity and wonderful works, kept hidden/unposted or not appreciated enough, its really saddening
anw, same thoughts honestly. thanks sm for the message!
lets keep creations, no matter if art or writing, fanwork or OCs, alive by actually reblogging it instead of just mindlessly liking it; lets give new/starting people a chance to show their work
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so I found this post https://at.tumblr.com/misscellophane-ao3/696596432698966016/r54b0nnv1ydy with instructions on how to find fitting fanfic, and since I've read all of yours and many of your recs on here I'm wondering about the archive ,, like MJ is there an archive of fave Fanfics anywhere that you would share, if I may humbly ask
im so sorry but there really isn’t… i don’t read anywhere near as much as i should, and i never make use of ao3s bookmarking thingy so when i do read i just kudos and comment and then i forget immediately because im a walking corpse rn 😭 most the fics i read at the minute are friends’ fics from a different fandom to peaky so i really cant help <\3
honestly all i can think to say is that @3xc3lsior has a literal novel length series on ao3 with tommy and an OC (and everyone else too) and its amazing. its just amazing. it literally will keep you fed for months and her writing is probably my favourite when it comes to tommy so.. go eat !
#i am SHAMEFULLY behind on reading your stuff juli but you will always be that bitch#also the way she writes michael.. 🥹🥹🥹🥹#ugh when my life stops being a running joke i will come back to it i promise
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Tell me everything about Buttons. Love her so much
I'm glad to hear you enjoy her. In all honestly I love her a lot too. She's one of those characters I "obsess" over. Probably the one I do the most lol.
Everything? Well I guess I could do that lol. I do take the word "everything" very literally though lol. There will be somethings I may leave out in the sake of future projects, but I'm sure you already knew that lol.
To get into "everything", I'll start with her creation, and we'll work our way from there. She was created back around 2016, and was definitely not like the way she is today at all lol. She wasn't a scientist, she was quite a bit shorter, had a yellow hood, and a huge scythe. Image example:
She was just someone who would kill because she was ordered to. As I've explained before the story of some of these characters back then was very "bad" lol. She then began to change and develop in small ways. Her hood became blue, her personality became more stoic and closed off, and the beginning of the idea of her being a scientist began to develop.
For the sake of the length of this post, everything else will be under a "read more"
Because my memory is so bad, and I can't exactly pinpoint when everything changed so drastically, I'll skip to how she is today. Today, she's one of my most conflicting characters. I've thought of so much for her, but yet I still have yet to fully complete her design. To be honest, it kinda eats away at me. I love her so dearly, I'm trying my hardest to finish her off, but she's so complex and sort of too "alive" I have a really hard time putting what I know of her in my mind into words.
This is mainly because she acts and reacts so drastically different depending on situation, surrounding, and company. Kind of like how one usually acts and thinks differently when around family than they would around friends. Maybe I made her too real? lol. But I feel she deserves it. That being said, this is mainly just to give an excuse as to why I can't fully provide her character in detail. I just haven't been able to put it into words yet.
I'll try my best, though it might be a short description. Ultimately, around anyone and everyone, Buttons is a very logical and calculated person. Being a sort of "voice of reason and logic", thinking things trough fully and rarely every being reckless or spontaneous. She is quiet and very "tired-looking" all the time. Around strangers and the wider public, Buttons is someone who outwardly shows little emotion. Not that she can't feel it. She definitely does. It's just her face, mannerisms, and tone doesn't show much. This changes slightly around acquaintances, being able to open up a little more, showing more feeling towards those she knows. Around those she fully trust she is completely open. And by those people, she's seen as someone who cares a lot. Around them she smiles. Sorry if the description is hard to understand, or leaves a lot out. I'm still trying to get it all down into words myself. Forgive me.
Either way, today her design has changed quite a bit. Not only that, but she also has more than just a Pokémon design, in case she is inserted into future projects like my other characters. Image examples:
Now, to go into her "story" that was in this story:
I'm sure you remember the Fahbrick Family blog I made a while ago? Well she is actually a part of that family! Specifically she's Patches sister, and Zipper's cousin. Maybe that was obvious though seeing as their nicknames are Buttons, Patches, and Zipper lol. Her real name is Elizabeth Fahbrick. Almost all her family all shares one thing in common, they all share interests in entertainment. Patches is a popstar, Zipper is a professional bassist, Her father is a composer, and her mom and aunt are actresses. She, on the other hand, never had an interest in entertainment. Instead she found herself to have a strong desire for knowledge. Specifically, she had a fondness for science.
Buttons is a scientific genius, and that is all thanks to her passion in it. As she grew up she studied book after book, to more and more notes, and dug as deep as she possibly could into everything she learned. Her hard work gave her the intelligence she has today. Eventually she went to college, as one would expect. But from there her life would have changed. I'm not going to go into specific detail, but her story was going to go into themes of abuse and trauma. That being said, she would've been saved by her college best friend, Mike. Eventually helping him with his goal down the line.
Sorry if the description leaves a lot out. But, I will go into trivia! Everyone loves trivia.
Here's something interesting: Buttons is a huge fighting game addict! Playing them ever since she was little, she has became quite a top level player. She would play with Mike in their high school and college days. Image example:
While Mike kind of sucks at them. He was able to give her a challenge. Because, while his skill was lacking, he usually knew the way she thinks, and counters her accordingly.
She's actually a talented singer. Naturally, given her family lol. She, however, is too shy to actually sing around others.
Buttons, Patches, and Zipper are pretty much like inseparable sisters. And their nicknames are proof of that. Giving each other nicknames around the same theme.
Don't tell anyone, but she likes to secretly collect cute accessories. She's too embarrassed about it.
If you have any other specific questions about Buttons, do ask! I love talking about her, and the more I can, the more I can fully give her the development she deserves lol. And if there are any errors, let me know. I did this all in one go, and typed a lot lol.
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