#i'm so anxious i could die.
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staggers over sniffles sobs vomits and dies
#viktor.txt#ouhhghhhh anybody would be lucky to have me...#this i jest crumpled over spitting copious amounts of saliva into the toilet#i appreciate the bodily attempts to protect the human teeth ahead of time by ramping up saliva production in the face of nausea but truly..#i prommy it is not needed hahah i am too sexy for that [hurls]#ouughbh well-adjusted and normal.#normalest person in the world.#i don't want to go to bed with this hanging over me.#i'm so anxious i could die.#at least i did not eat first.#not that my digestive tract appreciates the things of wheat i had anticipated eating.#what else do i even have...#the things frozen and mounted on sticks. i don't know their name.#americans have a stupid name for them but i don't even remember the czech one either.#it's an Inuit loanword... i don't know how it ended up in Czech...#ah. ''nanuk''.#i don't know why i am saying this all.#i think trawling on unrelated tangents forever is easier than sitting in silence thinking about myself.#mgmgjmmmmm... i will have a nanuk then.#and take my sleeping pills.#i am not tired. so i am forcing myself to become tired.#ah. ask to tag.#emeto tw
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Jessica gives me so many problems with her many aliases when I have to talk about her and L, because L knows about Rowan but she tries to bury her completely; L lived some months with Elio but it is an alias she was forced to assume & their interactions at the Wammy's weren't the friendliest; L interacts mostly with D for Detective, but it was born under very special circumstances because it is a tool that ensures L's safety and her power over him; L works with Mei during the Kira case so it means nothing outside that & Ryuga is Ellie's classmate but it's not them them; Jessica is the only identity she has chosen for herself — the first time she has ever felt like she could be herself for real, even if in the beginning she used it to run away from Rowan — BUT Jessica is virtually no one to L (they interacted once, even if it's very significant). And the thing is that she has such a rigid way of thinking about her different identities — she compartmentalises them. They do not exist outside their own context or reason for existing, but to L, she's each one of these identities, that influenced him in so many different ways. However, he's forced to pretend that she is just D for Detective, and so he has a hard time understanding her. She's right there in front of him but so out of reach, and it's painful.
#they are both hurting over this lmfao#lovely how she's doing it all herself & she could just process her trauma and be happy#but to face what happened to her at 11 years old is hard so ignoring it and hoping Rowan magically dies is the best choice in her opinion#like she's passively waiting for her to die while actively protecting her behind Jessica#the duality of this woman - being the best agent but can't find a way to deal with anything that requires a bit of emotional vulnerability#d.exe#the last part might not make sense to anyone but me right now but yeah#I'm just very anxious about my exam and needed to think about something else#I don't even know how to tag this because who I am talking about exactly
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uh oh i think my laptop's officially dead
#i really hope not. but. the keyboard stopped working suddenly 😭#idk maybe i turned smth off accidentally?? idk if that's even possible#I'm trying to restart it now but it's going. very slowly. which is also worrying#even holding the off button isn't doing anything. shit#it was so sudden too??? it was actually still working like i could use the mouse and it was playing music#this is so weird I'm so scared 😭😭😭😭😭😭#it's like 5 years old man don't do this to me 😐😐😐😐😐😐😐#update: well it's not turning off so i took the charger out and hope it dies from a lack of battery power soon#and then I'll plug it back in and see if it helps 😔#i THINK it happened before?? like that it didn't turn off and i had to wait for the battery to drain first#I'm so worried i really hope it doesn't die 😔 it'll break me mentally i fear.#(yes it's an object but like. i need it man. and it has a lot of my stuff there. and a lot of distractions from the fact I'm alive)#bro why is this taking so long#usually when i use my laptop and it's not actively being charged it dies within 5 minutes#it's been over 10 now and it's still going?? now?? when i actually WANT it to die??#:/ think I'm gonna leave it alone for now hhhhh whatever. I'm very anxious but there's not much i can do besides waiting anyway
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i only know two Ni doms irl but they're both driving me crazy
#internet people be like “oh ni doms are so mystical and clairvoyant” no they're not#lemme tell you what they are they're ANXIOUS#and they're making me ANXIOUS TOO#i love you ni doms but pls stop predicting your life in 20 years you could die tomorrow#i'm sorry but it's the truth the future holds so many possibilities that can ruin your “vIsIOn”#pls use your inferior Se once pls i beg you i promise you won't die if you live in the moment for 5 minutes#“Bat you don't use Se you can't complain about them” i know but at least i can switch between my Ne and my Si sometimes#one of them (INTJ) says EVERY SINGLE DAY: “i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do that and i also have this project for next month and-”#but he never does anything which translates to “what the hell happened to his Te?”#his Ni must want to choke his Te#and then there's my mother (INFJ) who not only keeps telling everyone what she's gonna do ignoring the fact that Stuff Happens (inf Pe agai#but whenever smth bad happens she always think it's “meant to be” and “part of the process of people's soul growth”#i vent to her and she's like “this is what g0d chose to you as a mission for your soul to evolve"#no wonder jesus was an INFJ as well their Ni-Fe is so pUrPOsE oF LIfE#mom i just wanted to tell you my day sucks idc about my mission on earth i just wanted you to comfort me#i know we all should be kind and avoid being superficial but sometimes shit happens and it's not bc of our spiritual growth or whatever#sometimes life sucks and we don't learn anything with that and sometimes we have to be mean with people#bc they suck or bc they're mean to us#well aNYWAY#tio morcego tá azedo#every cognitive function is amazing on their own way but each one of them will drive you crazy#there's no better type or function: everyone will drive you crazy#today i'm pissed with ni doms tomorrow i could be pissed with se doms which are their opposite types so who knows?#you can't escape it you will want to choke people of all types#if you only hate one or a few types only you're not studying mbti right you have to be pissed off with all types#same with the opposite if you only like one or a few types you're not studying mbti right#you have to love every type with a passion that no one can explain#if you don't get why a type is so special and so annoying at the same type you're not studying mbti right#i just complained about ni doms but i could write why i also love them in two minutes after i post this#ok i'll stop now i'm rambling too much
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#welcome to another installment of: angel spits out all his thoughts about autism cause if he keeps them inside his head will explode#in today's episode: is it possible that my ''panic attacks'' have been autistic meltdowns all this time?#then answer is maybe!#ok so i was watching this youtube video from channel I'm autisticn now what? (check it out it's great!)#and meg was talking about the different types of autistic meltdowns and how they might manifest#and then in the comments people were discussing autistic meltdowns vs panic attacks and how cofused they used to be about them#and that got me thinking... there's a big thing that needs to happen during a panic attack for it to be a panic attack#and that is anxious thoughts... many people talk about fear of death during panic attacks#and that was never my experience. I don't feel like I'm going to die when I have these ''attacks''#they feel painful and like i'm completely out of control but my head is quite clear in that regard#i always thought it was because i don't think dying is like The Worst thing that could happen to me so maybe that was why#and it never ocurred to me that it could be an autistic meltdown because i always saw those as ''little boy hits his head against the wall'#(horrible i know) but it's more than that! (plus i sadly started self harming when the ''attack'' is too bad so not i fit that idea lol)#it's the uncontrollable crying. the throwing anything you have at hand across the room. the not being able to utter words#(other than ''no'' in my case) it's the complete lack of control#and that fits so much more to what i experience! i even related to meg's personal anecdote about a meltdown she had as a child#being separated from my mom made me go into full panic modes as a kid and that was seen as a tantrum but it was more than that to me!#and as an added bonus the only therapist i've ever seen in my life used to call my panic attacks ''pseudo-panic attacks''#because even she felt it didn't quite fit in the description (not that she was a good therapist so i can't put her as an example lol)#but anyways... yeah every day that goes by i'm more and more convinced I am autistic and it scares me to fucking death#because of the way my mom reacted when i first raised the question. so yeah this is for nothing lol nothing will change in my life#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#angel talks#personal
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went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠
#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years#not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion#so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all#but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him#i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted#and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms#i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still#and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case#i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now#but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience#and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over#he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday#and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh#(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*
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eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P
additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly
#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it#and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website#as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people-#-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were-#-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered#also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it#this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone-#-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious#i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :(#i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles#it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on-#-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help.#unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that-#-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also-#-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes-#-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything''#and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think-#-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me''#and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point#be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying#and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child.#be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo#if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows-#-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like#trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you#social anxiety#anxiety disorder#i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11-#-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me#anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y
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a super fun thing that my brain is really good at is hearing a random fact and remembering it forever. but only if it's bad :)
#the reason I'm thinking about that right now: I wish I had never read that having a crease on your earlobe means you're more likely to have#heart disease.#scared me so much that I read a whole paper about it#but it's been years now so I don't remember the details#just that that's a thing apparently#and guess what my brain does with that information? oh yeah of course I have to obsessively look at the ears of everyone now! does that#do anything helpful? nope! just makes me very very anxious :)#it's just like when I was a kid and I got nightmares about scurvy every time I didn't eat a potato for a week.#like. wow I could be so smart and everything if my brain wasn't constantly focused on random bullshit that is completely irrelevant 😭#also this thing specifically: I've always been weirdly fascinated by ears and this made that a million times worse and also very scary.#like ooh that's a nice ear :) oh no death exists and this person is going to die and#yeah it sucks.#specifically choosing not to mention any names in this context because my god this shit is on my mind all the time already I really don't#need to say it where anyone can see#it's embarrassing enough#though anyone who has looked at my blog in the past month already knows who I'm talking about.#like. I really shouldn't allow myself to like anyone over the age of like. idk 45.#it's so unbelievably exhausting.#but annnyway I'm totally normal and fine :)#oh yeah I also have creases on my earlobes lol so that definitely added to the scariness (and THEN my mother randomly mentioned recently#that EVERYONE on her side of the family had/has heart disease. bitch WHAT the fuck. anyway so yeah guess we know what's gonna kill me#haha isn't that fun :) )#ALSO the fact that my memory is very very bad means that I remember absolutely none of the details about shit like this. so it could very#well be completely irrelevant and harmless but i wouldn't remember that part.#and I think even if I found out more it wouldn't help. it's been an obsession for so long. I've never had one go away that I've had for#this long. so. guess I'm just fucked.#personal
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GUYS I just landed a full-time job (???? like a job i literally applied for just for the funsies, like in my heart i was sooo sure they wouldn't accept me....i guess my 9 to 5 era has officially started, excited and scared at the same time <3333
#it was literally my first job interview ever and i was soo anxious before#oh yeah today i also got on a motorcycle for the first time in my life bc a friend told me he could pick me up and take me to the interview#and i thought he had a car but he meant on his motorcycle afsgshjs and i was already about to be late so i just got on it#and i was sooo afraid the first 2 minutes but that fear somehow made me forget my nervousness for the interview#and i was like sure i might as well die on my way there why not?#but i honestly think the motorcycle thing helped me ace the interview#bc after the first few minutes i was like this is actually really fun#and i ended up going in with an attitude of nothing matters but in a googly eye from eeaao kind of way#and now i'm even thinking of getting my own motorcycle#so many new things happened in the span of a single day for a person that wouldn't even dare to step out of her house a few months ago#you guys i'm sooo proud of myself and also so sleep-deprived so i'll catch you up later. take care beloveds <3#journal
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Hello. Can I find somewhere your old invader zim arts? I heart that you created another blog for it.
(I hope that you heard that in my account from me and not...somewhere else lol) that side account is purely for me now, to keep that stuff stored or something, but I could maaaaaybe consider giving you the link if you account didn't have well... Straight up nothing, but since it has nothing shit's pretty sus sorry bro, don't worry tho I will maybe free them Posts once I fully develop my brain in however many years that will be...well i know how many years that is, y'all don't, that's private infomation.
#Ask#I hope this doesn't show up in the tags of yknow#but I'm not gonna check anyways cuz I don't want to see that fandom tag#Eugh I hate talking about this but like I know I have to#cus I hate that fandom#well not all of it but a very big chunk of it#if anyone for some reason wants to get vibe checked please go to my messages not my ask box please and thanks#if you don't pass the vibe check you get blocked that's the joke#time to rant#man that fandom made my mental health so much worse like I genuinely mean it#my pretty manageable anxiety got to the point where every day I was feeling anxious ugh#and the worst part of all of that is that I just...drew the same stuff I draw for other fandoms?#and YET my brain got burned big time with bullshitery#children cartoon fandom's are insane I guess#or maybe weirdos should just get run over twice and die...#yeah that should happen#god if you exist please hear me out I don't ask for#but even if I didn't get involved in making cringe ship art I could ended up privating all of that fandom stuff anyways#that's the thing#because it was a LOT of stuff what made me snap#not just ship shit#but whatever#wait one last thing#before I turned off anon someone sent me an ask telling me I was and some other shit and like#BRO???? What are you on???¿? Lmao#infamous for leaving a fandom cuz it was bad for my brain??cuz people were being weird to my drawings of characters that were minors???#cuz i got ppl telling me die due to missinformation on a characters age??#A little bit of everything really#what a silly fandom with silly people aww#these days have been actually so much more chill being out of it and Idk if that's funny or nah
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bigass vent over general life things
things in general are really not great i don't really have any optimism for the future or making a life for myself. like i don't really have any drive or ambition to look forward or work towards anything good/meaningful because as time goes on there are going to be really bad life events that i just don't think i can keep facing anymore. and theyre going to be worse. i'm just dragging along life solely on the basis that i was plopped here to just Exist and that's my task at hand that i'm reluctantly upholding. just exist until it's over
#when i say 'i'm 25' 'i'm going to be 26' it does not feel right coming out of my mouth. i do not feel just 25 or 26 i feel far far older#mentally and physically#when i'm around other people my age i just feel on a completely different plane of experience from everyone else#idk. i've always been a naturally anxious and socially stunted person & def have some kind of lingering trauma that keeps me from connectin#w people. but also having no family members or relatives anywhere near my age (~17 yrs older than me at the least) while i was growning up#probably did something to me as well. my entire life has just been witnessing family members decline and die like dominoes over the course#of 25 years. like i know all about end of life care and legal paperwork and shit like that. i know what grief is like and#seeing how it affects people. i know the stages of dread and worry and numbness & guilt-ridden relief that comes with being terrified 24/7#for an ailing family member over the course of years. knowing what it's like to grieve people who arent dead yet but you know it's coming#and then when the inevitable happens it's horrible. but also you're so exhausted from the strain that you're mostly numb. and then you feel#a sense of relief that the worst is over they're not suffering anymore you don't have to dread it anymore. which obviously makes you#question if you're some kind of deranged asshole for feeling that way. idk#25 for me has been a very eye-opening age where i'm fully realizing how fast time passes. i thought i was at around 18-20 but i was really#just first becoming aware of it.#i know how to view the world from that lens bc that's all i know. i only see life as a preparation for the end#instead of a beginning. or at least see it as a beginning at this current point in my life#covid/lockdown has definitely been a source of mental drain on me as well. the constant fear and paranoia of getting sick AND what sort of#long term consequences i could have due to getting it twice. and what i could have if i get it more than twice#add that with the general social and political climate right now and it's just...so very bleak. home life is bleak & outside world is bleak#vent
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#liliana talks#the thoughts to simply off myself are really strong tonight#nothing in my life comes out the way i'd like to#not even my dog's behaviour#i can't even take him on walks bc after five mins he gets overwhelmed and really anxious and nervous and it's driving me crazy#i can't get him to focus on my and he just pulls and pulls and wants to run off#i can't enjoy walks and i can't take him anywhere#today's walk got super frustrating and everyone kept asking me if they could pet him and told everyone no#i even snapped at this little girl bc i just reached my limit and had too much#i know it was wrong of me and i wish i could apologize to this little girl bc i just feel so bad rn#on top of that i'm gonna turn 28 soon and i haven't accomplished anything in my life#i'm a fucking failure. i can never accomplish shit and whenever i rarely get anything i dreamed of it comes out fucked up like my dog#i hate everything and i hate my life and myself and i have no luck at anything whatsoever#like what was the fucking point on bringing me to this world?? so i could have a miserable life?? to never accomplish anything??#to lack on all aspects of myself and my life?? see everyone around me get things and never have difficulties on anything???#not even on their dogs' behaviour?? see how they can take them everywhere and not get overwhelmed?? while mine is a fucking mess??#i don't even have money to buy him a fucking toy!!! how fucking miserable is that???#my sister had to give me money to buy him a harness bc i have shit for money#i've been trying for how long god knows to get a job in this place and plot twist... i haven't got any#i just want to die it would be way easier but i'm a fucking coward to even do that. i'm so fucking pathetic jfc#suicide mention tw
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I'm so excited for this that you can't even imagine. When I saw it I started jumping and screaming, since I never had the opportunity to go to one of his concerts. The first show he did here in Brazil was in São Paulo at Lollapalooza, and SP is far from the state where I live, it would be very expensive to go. So even if it's not live it already makes me very happy and anxious.
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🤐
#daily work update from my garbage brain: the anxiety from yesterday must have leaked out bc today sucked#my usual trainer had an appointment so i got trained by my v busy manager who was clearly frustrated I didn't know more#like don't give me vague instructions then get annoyed if i don't do it like you silently wanted?#i was feeling really shitty and stressed about it before i thought about it and it's like dude I've been here three days#and she dumped triple the info in two hours on me than i learned in two days#so if she is frustrated that's a her problem not a me problem#i hate feeling so anxious all the time#personal#chanting to myself that this is good for me this is growth this is positive momentum#I'm also so fucking tired i could die so
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"what's one missed dose? you take it three times a day anyway," said the idiot devil on my stupid shoulder
#txt#i feel like i'm crawling out of my own skin im so anxious at work rn#literally just taking a break to chill outside and i feel like i could just fucking die#don't even know how to explain that my paranoia is so bad rn that i wanna dig a hole and hide in it to my managers lmao
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#new ability unlocked....✨health anxiety✨#I'm tired man I'm so fucking tired of panicking all the time because I feel like I'm going to pass out ot throw up#or constantly googling health symptoms what makes me feel thousands times worse and definitely doesn't calm me down#one day I'm sure I'm getting a heart attack on next day I have a brain tumor then epilepsy then I go for aneurysm...#fucking funniest thing is that it's been going on for two months and absolutely nothing happened to me#i just have constant headache nausea and pain in my stomach but I haven't passed out or threw up or anything#fuck I just want back my normal life when I'm not in constant worry#i feel like im 24/7 in a high alert panic mode so I can't comprehend anything calmly...#i feel like an animal that's constantly just running away from something#I'm scared too see a doctor because I don't even know how to explain my problems...they will think I'm completely insane...#I can't remember last time I ate something without feeling anxious and being in pain afterwards#and the worst thing is that I developed even ubhealier relationship with food by counting calories :))))#so even though I eat nothing I need to push myself into an intense workout because my brain tells me I need to burn everything#i didn't know ai could be even more messed up than I was before#but hey I lost a ton of weight and I am in the best shape I've ever been... it's all I ever wanted and it cost me only my sanity :)))))#i don't even have clothes to fit in anymore because everything literally falls down from me...#currently I'm convinced I'm going to pass out and die any second but I know I'll be alright I can't just die out of nowhere...#I'm healthy and everything will be okay...I survived so much and it will get only better#if you read this rant I typed out while hyperventilating congratulations you get a free cookie and a warm tea I'll be making#guys but seriously...do you know how to tackle this? or the only logical way is to see a doctor?#because I don't know how long can I go on like this considering from September my job should get even more stressful...#now my stress level is high like never before... just thinking about September is giving me a panic attack#aaaaand those are the things I shouldn't think about because the only thing stressing me out the most is my fucking self :)#that's the damn problem like the thing that's making me most stressed is the stress 🙃#I feel nauseous because I'm stressed and I'm stressed because I'm nauseous...makes sense#i think I'm loosing my mind...and it fucking sucks that I do this to myself for no reason at all#i have a nice relaxing day and then in the evening I decide to think about all the bad stuff and kill it all#another scary thing is living on your own without any close friends in your life and with your family hours away...it won't let me sleep#if anything happens I'm alone...if I pass out right now I need to take care about myself#i often think how long would it take to find my dead body here...and then I shake and cry because I don't want to die
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