#i'm not kidding i was talking with my therapist last session about how. horrible. how sick and despondent and *panicked* trying to create | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

adventuresasmrsfindley · 3 years

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It's brain dump time, y'all.

I had to make two adult phone calls today and instead of dreading them and putting them off all day, I did them first thing this morning. Amazing.

My MIL painted our entire downstairs over the weekend. We bought this house 2 years ago and it was a new build and the builder grade paint is absolutely horrible. You can't even wipe it off without the paint literally coming off and the drywall showing through. This doesn't mix well with a toddler in the house. I chose a pretty similar neutral color but the paint is much better quality and I'm so happy to have that done. I haaaaate painting so I really appreciate her taking the time to do that for us. I spent most of the day yesterday putting the house back together, putting outlet and light switch covers back on, hanging stuff back on the walls, etc. The house was an absolute shit show after the weekend so it feels much better now. Messes and clutter are so triggering for me. 🥴

We have a really busy weekend coming up but I'm excited. We have a 3rd birthday party for our friends' daughter on Saturday afternoon. After that we are doing a trunk or treat with some other friends who will also be at the party. And then we are going to the pumpkin patch on Sunday with my parents. We've done that with them every year since Knox was born and I love the little tradition we've made. Hopefully the weather cooperates and it feels like fall for all the festivities!

Still carrying a heavy burden from therapy last week. We talked a lot about my dad and the impacts the lack of relationship with him have had on my life. It's something I know I need to deal with but GD. It's hard. Being a parent myself now makes it even more complicated. I tried to make excuses for him my whole life but there is no excuse for not being there for your children. Sucks. I have homework before my next session to write a letter to him saying all the things I wish I could have said before he passed away. It's going to be intense but I really hope writing it on paper and getting it out of my head will be a big step towards letting it go. My therapist was talking about how I need to forgive him, not because he deserves it (because he doesn't), but because I deserve to live my life without that burden. And I loved the way she worded that.

It's hunting season which means I'm heading into a long couple of months of solo parenting on the weekends. Knox and I will make a couple trips to the farm I'm sure but I don't like going every single time. I'm looking forward to some quality time with him, but it is a lot. Cole went hunting after work last night so I did dinner, clean up from dinner, bath, and bed all by myself. Do not know how single parents do that day after day but damn they are rockstars! Gives me a whole new respect for my own mom who raised 3 kids on her own from the time I was 3 until about 12.

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munstysmind · 2 years

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BETRAYAL - Maddison - An Original Story

WARNING/S: Mentions of drinking, indefinitely

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION FOR MY WORK TO BE USED IN ANY CAPACITY

Divider by @firefly-graphics

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MADDISON MASTERLIST

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"Maddison, if you don't open this door in the next ten seconds I'm using my key" Jensen says, knocking on her door for the fourth time. Almost immediately he hears her stomp to the door and unlock the deadbolts before opening it.

She looks terrible. Hair a mess, circles under her eyes, wearing the same clothes as yesterday. She just looks at him before going back to the couch, leaving the door open.

"You look like hell" he says, closing the door behind him

"How very observant of you" she spits sarcastically. She's not in the mood.

"Cut the attitude"

"What are you doing here?"

"Your therapist called. You didn't show up at your session and you weren't answering her calls, or mine"

"Why did she call you?"

"I'm your emergency contact Maddison"

She groans and screams into a throw pillow before launching it across the room, making Jensen duck for cover. That's when he sees the whiskey bottle on her coffee table, it's almost empty.

He know it's a new bottle, it's the one they had all been given by production at the start of the week to celebrate a viewings record.

"Are you OK?" he asks, worried. This isn't like her.

"No" she tells him flatly

"What's wrong?" he asks, trying to get to the bottom of her behaviour

"What isn't..." she scoffs before grabbing the bottle and trying to take another mouthful

"Hey, what are you doin'?" he says, taking it out of her hand and putting it on her kitchen bench. She glares at him as he sits on the coffee table in front of her. She just wants to drink her feelings away.

"Maddie, talk to me" he begs. She just looks at him, fighting back tears.

"What is going on?" he says softly, rubbing the top of her thighs.

"He cheated" she whispers as a tear escapes her eye and rolls down her cheek

"What?!" he says stunned, prying that he'd misheard her

"He cheated on me Jens" she repeats, looking at him. She sees his eyes grow wild with anger and he lets out a low growl

"Chris?!"

"Try again"

"When?"

"Last August"

"Maddie, how..."

"She's a fan. She saw the article and reached out on Twitter. John confirmed everything. She feels horrible, she didn't know who Travis was when it happened"

Travis had actively stayed out of the public eye. Maddie hadn't posted any photos with him and he hadn't gone to any events with her.

She thought it was because he wanted to keep his anonymity and she respected that but in reality it was just another way he controlled her.

"It gets worse... he got her pregnant"

"Oh fuck"

"He knows and he refuses to take responsibility... which is ironic because we were talking about kids. We'd just started trying"

"I know without a doubt in my mind that you are going to be an incredible mother when the time comes but it’s an understatement when I say I’m glad he didn't get you pregnant"

"Me too"

"We know for sure it's his?"

"Yeah, he demanded a DNA test... he's got a son"

"I'm sorry"

"I can't keep doing this Jens. First bail, then the phone call, the article and now this... it's too much" she says, her voice starting to shake. She thought Travis couldn't do anything else to hurt her but she was wrong. This information had thrown her, so much that she has gotten blind drunk and passed out on her couch.

Jensen quickly pulls her into him, moving to sit on the couch while she buries herself in his chest and breaks down. He holds her, rocking her slightly, for a good ten minutes before she starts to calm down.

"I hate him, I hate him with everything I've got" she says, sitting up and putting her head in her hands, her head pounding

"I know you do" he says, rubbing her back while he thinks of ways to rip Travis apart

"Then why does it hurt so much?" she whispers

"Because he betrayed you. Doesn't matter when it happened" he tells her. He can't imaging how she's feeling right now. How anyone can cheat is beyond him. But then, he's a good person with morals. Travis isn't.

"What are you going to do with this?" he asks. He knows this has set her back. He's trying to get a gauge of where her head at besides the binge drinking.

"I've asked John to organise a meeting with her" she sighs, leaning back back against the couch rubbing her temples.

"Are you sure that the best idea?"

"Probably not given everything that happening but I need to. I need it, she needs it. I need some form of closure and she needs to know that none of this is on her, that I don't... that I don't hold anything against her. She's not the one who was unfaithful. I was working my ass off, paying his rent, his student loans only for him to turn around and sleep with someone else... and to plan it"

"Mads, what are you saying?"

"He'd been talking to her online for months. That night, before... he asked me if I'd been sleeping with Seb... actually he accused me of it. Turns out he was projecting. If he wasn't happy why didn't he just leave because clearly I wasn’t enough for him?"

"You know why"

"He'd loose control over me... I didn't show up at my appointment because I'm hungover and don't know where my phone is. I didn't mean to make you worry, I'm sorry"

He kisses her temple before getting up and going into the kitchen. He opens her fridge and starts getting out food, putting it on her bench.

"What are you doing?" she asks as he starts going through her cupboards

"I am making us some food while you go shower and get ready" he says, pulling out a large frying pan

"Why?"

"Because we're going to the gun range"

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shxxtingstarss · 2 years

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therapy no. 22

I again feel like I don't have a lot to write down, let's see how this ends today.

We ended the session on time today! Felt very unfamiliar haha. Best part was probably that I kind of made a joke and he laughed about it (lol I still get a giant smile on my face when thinking abt it, somehow that makes me genuinely happy aaaand I'm really happy with my therapist, without idealizing him tooo much, I think he's really professional and good at this job). I first talked about how my last week went and that it was pretty tough, but that I had some success with things like going to that party/social gathering last week - I didn't do things like this in years (not just bc of covid, more like since I'm in my current relationship... so since 2018). I even stayed there until 6 am, then went to sleep for almost 2 hrs, cleaned the place up, said goodbye to the host cara (one of the three ppl I'm trying to become friends with) and left. Was extremely horny for sex with women afterwards (this I didn't tell my therapist... yet) and also extremely exhausted, but the evening was rly nice. (Felt kinda dangerous to sleep at the place of my current crush, she even invited me to sleep in her bed (in a friendship kinda way), luckily I was way too tired to stand up from my spot on the couch and just slept there.)

I also told him about my breakdown after the last session, the uncontrollable crying and the severe depressive symptoms afterwards. But I still managed to go to cara's place, kinda impressive now, I was really... done. And the day was horrible. But then the night was really nice and I'm really glad I somehow managed to go.

After a short note of my father contacting me bc of one of his conspiracy theories (idiot, goddammit) we proceeded to a rather difficult topic, how I think I'm a burden to each and everyone in my life (except for him lol, also finallly thought of telling him that I usually don't cry in front of other ppl except for him, he thanked me for telling him because he only gets to see me in that exact hour of the week and I usually do cry in front of him). We looked into why and since when I feel ashamed for sharing my feelings or anything that makes me think I might be a burden to someone else, and kinda found out that I already do this for about 20 years and that this is the reason why I don't cry in front of other people.

Instead of telling people how I feel I then just try to act "normally"/happy and basically been acting my whole life, so that I can't be too much for anyone, I even acted as if everything was fine during my first months of therapy when I was a teenager. All of this "just" because my mother always made me feel like I've been a burden to her, even though nothing was my fault, I even worked as a pseudo-therapist for her and she told me all her worries (including money etc) and everything from a young age on AND she used to always tell me I give her so much security/help her so much etcc. She and my father just should've never gotten kids, especially not together, and both of them blamed everyone but themselves for all their problems or difficulties in life, my mother especially liked to blame us kids / me. She made me feel like I'm a burden to her, like my whole existence is a burden and when I was 15, she even told me so (and told me to kill myself bc then she'd finally get rid of me, I think I've already wrote about this here). So I keep on thinking I'm a burden - even though I've been trying not to be one for my whole life. He told me abt this being called "identification" because my mind kind of made up reasons why I might be a burden so that the engraved stuff in my nervous system somehow makes sense to me etc.

The shame I get from thinking I might be a burden can get pretty strong, and in the end of the session I had some quite overwhelming suicidal thoughts (and told my therapist about it after crying for a moment) and remembered that pretty much all my suicide attempts were not just because of the feeling of being done/not being able to do this anymore and not wanting to do this anymore (he put this in words first - astonishingly accurate/relatable), they usually also had something to do with feeling like a burden / thinking I should just stop trying to get better because I'm a burden to everyone anyways and should just kill myself, which I then (almost) did... multiple times.

#actually borderline #borderline personality disorder #bpd #mental illness #actually bpd #therapy #mental health #borderline #suicidal thoughts #tw suicide attempts #burden #trauma

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