#i'm afraid to publish this
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Okay so I thought and thought and thought about writing a chapter by chapter "Tommy" fic and I gotta say I've decided to write it.
I wrote the base for the plot, it still seems solid to me, I wrote a "test" fragment to see if the third narration fits, if the setting is weird enough, if a certain bond is strong enough to make changes and I dare to say I probably worked so hard on it, that it is - I have this idea since November 2023 so a lot of time.
So, without further ado, what I wanna write is this: "Tommy" fic that focuses on an uncle x niece trope (so basically Uncle Ernie x Me fic - yes, that will be a self-insert), but in a way that there will be a bond between them. I have this whole idea of me being the unwanted daughter of Nora and Frank (giving Tommy a loving sister in the process) who finds the parental love in Uncle Ernie's arms, but the bond I'll create with him as a child will actually have a side effect that will resolve in Uncle Ernie falling in love with me at a very young age and with me falling in love with Uncle Ernie once I grow up enough to realize that perhaps I see him more than a parental figure.
Can't say much more, but this is what the whole idea is based off. I also want to see if there will be any interest in reading this kind of fic so that's why this post exists and that's why I've decided to share the "test" fragment I wrote. It generally shows what atmosphere this fic will have, how I see the situation unfolding. It might appear in the fic in a changed form. It's down below, under "read more" so if you're interest, go ahead and read it and I hope you enjoy it <3
Tagging the ones who were interested from the get go and the ones who were liking the posts where I've mentioned this fic - I read it as in that you're interested, don't feel forced to read what's in the "read more" section:
@jimmysdragonsuit13 @radioroger @ennals @burn-on-the-flame @fiammee @minty-playhouse @dzdndcnfsd @littlemissheavenonearth
The frustration was getting to him, his beloved alcohol not helping much anymore, the image of his niece burned into his mind without any way to erase it. She's looking at him with that sweet smile on her face, so happy to see him, calling him uncle in that innocent and full of adoration voice of hers that is driving him insane… The empty pint hit the hard table at the bar, Uncle Ernie muttering curses under his breath, while Frank was observing him cautiously.
"Ernie" Frank mumbled, more drunk than his friend, but that was normal. He could never outdrink him. "What's going on?"
"A woman is stuck in my mind." He didn't look at Frank, he didn't have to. "It's starting to piss me off…"
Frank's grin was as big as never before. "Did you, perhaps, fall in love, you old fool?" The idea of that was laughable to Frank, but what he heard next made him change his mind.
"I fucking did." The silence after that was heavy. Frank cleared his throat, not believing in what he was hearing.
"You're too drunk" he concluded, drinking the rest of his beer. "You've never treated a woman like she's deserving to be treated, I doubt you even know what love is. As far as I can tell, I would call it lust not love-"
"I couldn't even bring myself to touch her." Uncle Ernie spat out, hitting the table with his dirty fingers. Frank blinked in disbelief. "If it was lust, I would fuck her years ago. And now as it is…" A short, high laugh escaped his throat. He didn't finish the sentence, but he knew exactly what would happen if he had a chance. My tiny sweet wouldn't survive it, he thought, creepy smile appearing on his face at the thought of his niece crying and whimpering beneath him as his cock is buried deep inside her. Shivers run down his spine, not to mention that he got hard at the idea, a visible bump forming on his pants.
"That woman has to be a witch" Frank commented, shaking his head, to which Uncle Ernie laughed. He suddenly turned to Frank with insanity in his eyes.
"She's a beautiful angel!" he announced as if it was the most obvious thing on earth. "Curly, light green eyed, chubby beauty who you've handed to me since she was a little girl!"
Frank needed a while to connect dots, when he did, he suddenly felt sober again. "Are you…" Frank's voice ceased to exist when the person Uncle Ernie described appeared in his mind. "Are you talking about my Caroline?"
"She's not yours" Uncle Ernie corrected him. "She never was, you've never loved her." He pointed an accusatory finger at Frank. "She only calls you her dad because she has to, because she's your offspring."
Any father would get mad upon hearing this revelation, upon knowing that his own friend fell in love with his daughter, but not Frank. He actually smirked. "You are right about that. Caroline was always a bother to me."
Uncle Ernie laughed upon hearing it, he knew he was right. He was the one Caroline called dad when she was little and who she still treated like one. "She feels that, you know?"
"She told you?" Frank asked out of sheer curiosity. A plan was slowly forming in his mind.
Uncle Ernie nodded. "Plenty of times."
"How can you know it didn't change?" Frank put another question out. Uncle Ernie lifted an eyebrow. "Caroline's been avoiding you and here you are, thirsting for her like a dog."
"She called me two days ago" Uncle Ernie explained, calming down a little bit. Back at his home, he almost fell while hearing her voice on the other side. "She was crying, apologizing to me, asking if we could meet."
"Did you decline the offer?" Frank had to hold himself to not burst out laughing at the way Uncle Ernie glared at him, offended.
"I accepted. There was a reason why I was at your house yesterday" he explained, still regretting that nothing had happened. That one kiss wasn't enough.
"Then I'll have good news for you!" Frank exclaimed, taking Uncle Ernie aback. "You might have a chance to visit her and live with her for a few days." Upon seeing Uncle Ernie's confused expression, Frank started explaining: "I'm planning to go on holidays with Nora. I was about to leave Tommy with Caroline, she can take care of him well, but we can take him with us, just to leave her to you."
Uncle Ernie quickly caught up with Frank's way of thinking. "Are you giving her to me?"
Frank smiled widely. "If she's so eager to go to you then I can allow that."
I might finally get rid of her, Frank thought.
I might finally get her for myself, Uncle Ernie thought, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "When are you planning to go?" Was his next question.
"In a month" Frank answered.
"Enough to get close to her" Uncle Ernie mumbled, laughing to himself, already feeling excited. The only question left was if he was able to hold himself for another month.
#I'm feeling anxious and excited at the same time#I'm mostly afraid of reactions because this is like so not me to write such fiction#but eh#I only have this one life so I might roll with everything as well#I will reblog it a few times I don't wanna this to disappear somewhere#the only problem is the platform I'll publish this on#but I think I'll stick to AO3#fic corner
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Psst hey #lesmisletters friends... Are you Sad about Fantine?
Don’t you wish she could be happy? Don’t you wish someone would punch Tholomyès in the face? Don’t you want to turn the narrative around before it gets (so so much) worse?
I do! So allow me to introduce you to:
~✨💖Fantine/Bahorel💖✨~
She needs a friend who’ll respect her, he’s ever ready to punch assholes in the face (for Justice) and Hugolian math sort of allows them to be in Paris at the same time. What more do you need? (For baby Cosette to get a happy healthy childhood growing up with her mother, that’s what we need).
Have some delightful fix-it-fics:
Liberty and Libertines by @amarguerite
Canon era | T | 3 | Bahorel/Fantine | 3k (unfinished but delightful)
Bahorel meets Fantine in 1816 and is conscious of two things: how much better it would be if Fantine was his mistress, and how much Tholomyès needs to be punched. Things change dramatically as a result.
Une Liaison Dangereuse by @badassindistress (me)
1700s AU | G | Bahorel/Fantine | 13k (complete)
Felix Tholomyès, like any self-satisfied 18th century gentleman, thinks it only natural he hides his mistress away at his hunting lodge. Bahorel, who stumbles upon Fantine and her adorable daughter on his way home to see his family, disagrees entirely. He thinks Fantine should be free to make friends and enjoy herself, preferably far away from Tholomyès. Fantine just wants a safe place for her daughter to grow up and make friends. Cosette just wants to find worms with the chickens…
A mid-1700s adventure of wigs, silk dresses, respectful friendships and daring flights to freedom.
Under a Moonlit Sky by @badassindistress (me again)
Canon era | G | Bahorel/Fantine | 19k (complete)
The year is 1817. After Félix Tholomyès' little suprise, a despairing Fantine thinks she might go to her hometown of M-sur-M to find work. Instead, she decides to find Tholomyès and make him acknowledge Cosette. Enter a young man who would love to have an excuse to travel South (as far away from the law faculty as possible) and is uniquely suited to hunting down terrible men...
And lastly, some delightful art of the True OTP by @everyonewasabird
And another wonderful one on the same excellent theme by @pilferingapples (who opened my eyes to this excellent ship)
Enjoy!
EDIT: I found the other fic I was looking for:
Angels and Devils by Bobbiewickham
Canon era | G | Bahorel &Fantine |2k
Fantine goes out to a dance with Tholomyès, and meets an angry young man.
#les mis letters#FantineFanFest#fantine fic rec#self rec because i'm paddling this poolfloat gdammit#fix it fic#les mis fic rec#les mis daily#should be getting to the Suprise somewhere today#so i'm queueing this for my night#you're gonna need it#tholomyes/getting punched#there was also an historical pirate au but i'm afraid it's been taken down because the main story got published#i was so sure there was another canon era bahorel/fantine story in the same vein as liberty and libertines#but i cannot find it anywhere#i am trying to lure people into this pool noodle of a ship#is it working?#if you know of anything else for this ship please please let me knwo#a queue is very similar to a bumroll
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🪐 no celestial ; kanallen
— chapter four
"Kanata was a poor little angel that heaven couldn't help. He'd always been a tough one, not trusting anyone but his little brother Nayuta, the only person that ever made him feel love. Growing up by themselves, he did everything in his power to protect his sick brother, things that dirtied his holy hands. "It's for a good cause though", he thought. But it wasn't enough, and Nayuta died soon after.
Kanata's soul was completely spent. He became unable to feel love, and adding to his dirty dealings that soon were found out, he got cast out of heaven. Fallen on Earth with his wings blackened, he felt so lost and empty he thought he could've just died.
But a random encounter with a very annoying, persistent, stupid redhead human boy would've made him discover love again."
2389 words
genre: supernatural, hurt/comfort, angst
warnings: none
previous ✧ next
"...And who the fuck are these people now?"
Kanata's head was spinning. Having to deal with that Suzaku bastard was already plenty enough, he definitely didn't need other nosy people to bother the fuck out of him. He wondered if all humans were like that, unable to mind their own business; at least now he knew why he hated them so much.
"Yeah, um..." the guy stuttered again, probably because Kanata was looking at him as if he was ready to kill, "they're my roommates. I didn't know they were there either, to be honest..."
"I'm sorry, Allen! We were worried about you..." the pink-haired one spoke, joining their hands together, "It looked like you constantly had something on your mind and it was annoying to see" the mushroom-head continued, eyeing Kanata weirdly. He didn't know why and it was getting on his nerves.
"So... do you want to take this stray kitten home? Honestly, I don't want him to get my house dirty."
So he was of those filthy rich guys, huh.
Although he was used to being treated like that, it had always made Kanata's blood boil. Those people represented everything he hated the most: they ruined his and Nayuta's life, never helped them when they needed it despite having all the means to do that; they just watched the twins suffer and pretended they didn't exist. Of fucking course everyone would've been like that on Earth, too. He didn't even know why he was expecting something to begin with.
"Are you pickin' a fight with me!?" he snarled. If that guy thought Kanata was scared of him, he was so damn wrong. He started inching towards him.
"Oh, do you maybe prefer being called a rat?" Mushroom-head provoked him, "Sorry, but I don't take part in such vulgarities. You better do that with people of your kind". He smiled. God, he really wanted to beat the shit out of him.
"HAH!?"
"Hajun, stop being an asshole, will you?" Pink Hair intervened, then turned to Suzaku, "Allen, did you guys meet here?"
"Uh... yeah, a week ago" he scratched the back of his neck, "he has no other place to go, so I was trying to help him. I can feel he's not a bad guy... so guys, please."
The redhead looked at his friends with big puppy eyes, begging them. Kanata couldn't stand that look. He just hated being pitied like that, but something deep inside of him didn't want to stop him anymore. He could've done anything to drive that annoying little bastard away. He could've shown his black wings, could've proven he was an angel in order to scare him, but would've that been enough? Fighting again and again would probably only be a waste of time and energy. But was it really the only reason he was about to admit defeat? Kanata honestly didn't know anymore; his thoughts just turned into a mess whenever he was around that kid. The flames of his soul were desperately trying to burn the ice around Kanata's heart.
"...Are you gonna stop botherin' me if I agree to this?" he started, making Suzaku turn around, "Will you finally leave me alone? I'm so sick of you stickin' to me like that."
"Sure! I told you, the apartment is big" he smiled, "you won't be bothered. We'll make one step at a time."
"Stop actin' like we're gonna become besties or somethin' like that, it makes me gag" Kanata looked away. He feared that if the redhead kept shining just a bit more, he would've turned him into dust. So annoying.
"It seems we agree on something, at least" Mushroom-head spoke again. "If Allen is so desperate about taking the stray kitten home, then I guess I can't say no?" he huffed, "However, I can kick him out whenever I want to if he messes up. It's still my house, after all."
"Come on, Hajun... he doesn't look like the kind of guy who causes problems" Pink Hair said, turning their gaze on Kanata, "Allen is naive, but not enough to let weird people into his own house!"
"Hey, stop treating me like a kid!" Suzaku pouted, again. He looked so damn punchable. "Then that settles it! Thank you guys, I love you!" he hugged the other two so strongly they were gasping for air, then went towards Kanata.
"Don't even think of huggin' me! Who do you think you are!?" Kanata was panicking. He hadn't been close to another being in ages and got so unused to it he didn't know how he was supposed to take it anymore. Fine by him, human interactions never really mattered to him as long as they weren't with his brother, but this somehow got him more nervous than it should have.
"Ah, sorry... I promised not to bother you, didn't I?" the redhead smiled shyly, "I'm pretty sure someday I'll be able to hug you, though!"
"Yeah yeah, sure. Your friends are leavin' us behind, by the way." he pointed towards the park's entrance and started running in that same direction. He could hear a muffled "Oi, wait for me! " from behind him but he didn't look back.
Why the fuck was he even blushing for?
— ☾ —
Kanata couldn't believe his eyes. That apartment was huge, in a massive skyscraper. He had never seen something like that before, being used to the small ruined buildings of the slums back in the Celestial Kingdom; many people there, including the twins, didn't even have a home in the first place. He had missed that warmth.
"If only Nayuta could feel this, too..." he thought. He felt horrible knowing he couldn't share it with his brother, guilty that he had originally planned to rot somewhere in the streets to reach him, since he had nothing to lose anymore. He was still alone, after all; living in the same space of those humans didn't mean anything to him.
"I'm sorry, Nayuta..." he muttered, his voice so quiet no one even heard him. Then, a huge smile in front of him pulled him out of his thoughts.
"We're finally here! Make yourself at home, yeah?"
Mushroom-head interrupted him, "Before making himself at home, I'd like him to take a shower. He stinks" he said while walking to what seemed to be the kitchen, "I'll make dinner in the meantime."
"I don't have other clothes, though..." Kanata said in a small voice. He didn't like how things were turning, as he already knew that the answer would've been -
"Oh, no worries about it! Allen is gonna lend you some!" Pink Hair cheerfully replied with a smile.
"Why me!?"
"Why him!?"
The redhead and Kanata screamed at the same time, the former astounded and the latter clearly pissed. Yeah, things were definitely turning worse than he expected.
"You dummy, Hajun's clothes would be too big on him so you're the only option left." they turned to Suzaku, then glanced at the poor boy, "That is, if he doesn't want to wear some frilly dresses~? He'd be so cute in them, like a little doll-"
"No fucking way!" Kanata was so embarrassed he thought his cheeks were about to explode from how much they were hot. Why the fuck did they enjoy playing with him so much?
"Then it's decided! The bathroom is over there" Pink Hair pointed to a door in the corridor, "See you later~" they said before disappearing in their room.
Suzaku then turned to Kanata, a bit embarrassed himself, "Well, then... I'm gonna bring you some clothes later" he smiled softly. He was blushing a tiny bit, Kanata noticed it immediately. He suddenly got that weird feeling in his chest, the same one he had after meeting the redhead for the first time. And once again, he did his best to ignore it.
"Yeah, um... thanks" he said looking at the floor, "By the way, if you even dare to peep in while I'm showerin', I'll kill you" he went back to his intimidating gaze.
"Whoa, uh... believe me I won't!" the redhead gulped before dashing towards his room. Kanata didn't know if it was because he successfully got scared or he was simply embarrassed. Maybe both.
— ☾ —
"Hey, you don't look bad dressed like that!"
Kanata appeared in the kitchen wearing some black sweatpants and a grey hoodie. Those would look just right on Suzaku, but that bastard was at least 15 centimeters taller than him; this resulted into him looking tiny as hell and he hated it.
"Yeah, you look cute! I mean, my clothes still look a bit big on you but-"
"Stop lookin' at me! I ain't cute at all!" he screeched, stomping towards the nearest chair and sitting. That was the reason why he hated being small. He definitely was not cute, and he felt like dying even more when the redhead said it. For the second fucking time, even.
"Exactly. Now can you all sit, please? Let's have dinner before it gets cold." Mushroom-head sat at the table, showing some food Kanata had never seen before. Not that he used to eat a lot when he was in Heaven, but he had no idea how human food was supposed to taste or look like.
"...The hell is this?" he questioned, while he let the food sit on his tongue, "Never seen this kinda stuff before."
"Please don't talk while you're eating, it's gross" the other guy sighed, "It's samgyeopsal, a Korean dish. I'm Korean, so I cook these traditional dishes often."
"Oh, I just realized I didn't introduce you guys to each other!" the redhead suddenly raised his head from the plate, "Kanata, these are Hajun and Anne", he pointed first towards Mushroom-head, then towards Pink Hair.
Kanata didn't reply. He could care less about their names. Hell, he didn't even bother to call Suzaku by his actual name. They weren't close and surely will never be, so that didn't matter, right?
"Well, Kanata doesn't seem to be the talkative type, does he?" Anne looked at him a little concerned, "He must be really tired. Honestly, I can't wait to go to sleep, too~"
"Yeah, we should hurry up. I'm also kinda sleepy..." Suzaku yawned, rubbing his eyes.
"Uh... where am I supposed to sleep, anyway?" Kanata intervened, at this point craving to be finally left alone and have some time for himself.
The redhead nervously laughed, "Ah... well, about that..."
"You told me I got to have personal space! Do you call sharing a room «to have personal space»!?"
Kanata wasn't mad. He was absolutely fuming, mentally regretting ever saying yes to that dumbass. This was probably one of the most disastrous things that could've happened to him: he already couldn't manage to sleep alone anymore, but having a stranger in the same bed as him sounded even worse. He couldn't believe how the redhead had accepted this thing right away, as if it were normal; he really was way too naive and it irritated him so damn much.
"I'm sorry, okay! I worded it a bit wrong." Suzaku took a step back from him, who looked like he was gonna jump on him at any second. "The apartment is big and you can go wander anywhere you want to, but we only have three bedrooms! And I'm definitely not letting you sleep on the couch." he concluded, looking dead serious for once.
Honestly, Kanata didn't mind sleeping anywhere, as long as he had at least a roof on top of his head. But he got to the conclusion that arguing about this wouldn't have led nowhere, since that guy didn't seem to budge.
"So here's what we're gonna do! I got my sleeping bag here" he proudly showed that weird puffy bag to Kanata, "I'm gonna sleep on the floor with this, while you can use my bed. Sounds good?"
He really couldn't believe what he was hearing. Was he really that determined to stay in his room and still give him some space? To a random kid met in the park, who could've seemed suspicious in any possible way?
What the hell was wrong with this dude.
"Alright..." that was all he could say, a bit taken aback but mostly too tired to think about anything else to say. So he swiftly got on the soft bed covered in red sheets and turned on the opposite side, facing the door. He heard a faint "Good night" but didn't reply. The room fell silent.
He knew he wouldn't have slept as always, but at least he finally got to close his eyes for a while. There was the tiniest bit of comfort in that.
And then, it came back.
The image of his dear brother passing away with a smile on his face, cursing him forever, making him remember that the only thing he ever loved in this shitty world disappeared. The voices would tell him it was his fault. It was his fault he wasn't a good boy and their mommy didn't love them. It was his fault he wasn't a good brother, who couldn't even protect his precious little treasure. It was his fault he was left alone and deserved it.
He didn't even realize he ended up crying in his sleep, calling Nayuta's name.
"Nayuta... miss you..."
Allen was almost falling asleep when he heard some sniffling from over the bed. Slowly and cautiously, he got up and got closer to Kanata, who was talking in his sleep. He couldn't quite register what he was saying, though.
"He must be having a nightmare..." he thought, noticing the kid was shivering while slightly holding out his hand, as if he was trying to reach out to someone. Before he could even process what he wanted to do, he took his hand, but luckily Kanata didn't wake up. Instead, he gradually stopped crying, until he turned into quiet snores.
Allen smiled, hidden by the darkness of his room. He slightly got up from the bed, but the boy's grip on his hand was so strong he just couldn't go anywhere without waking him up. So he just stayed there, laying down a bit far from Kanata not to bother him.
"How am I gonna explain this to him tomorrow?" he asked himself, falling asleep.
#🪐; no celestial#paradox live#paralive#kanallen#allenkana#allen sugasano#kanata yatonokami#I'M LATE. SORRY#also i'm afraid you guys have to wait for a while for updates cause exams are coming up#see y'all in late september :(#(i'm publishing this chapter on ao3 in a couple of days. i promise)#this is a big one so i hope you like it 🫶🏻#and as always!! comments and asks are appreciated :3
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what happened to Megumi's story? I check for updates everyday. I was hoping that you will be uploading chapter 10 soon.
nothing happened!😭 i'm just taking my sweet time editing it. i'm just afraid to mess it up somehow so i'm rethinking some things too, so sorry that it's taking a long time, but it's going to be published in this week! possibly tomorrow (if i'm not too tired) or the day after
#i'm floored at how people love unholy matrimony really🥹#but i'm lowkey afraid if i'm gonna fumble the pre-ending chapters tho so i'm taking my time with it#and if you notice it closely enough#i'm actually a slow writer like i only publish max up to 2 each week#and usually those have been written the week before#—chu’s mailbox 📬
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youtube
#the way to break through the wall of perfectionism is to post things that arent even near your personal publishable standard#so thats i'm afraid what this is#i know it isn't perfect it's far from it#but its a thing
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y'all know that awkward part of writing a fic, where you've mentally committed to the project, but there are probably several weeks of work ahead of you before you can actually get it out and you don't want to tell anyone because there's still like a 40% chance you'll abandon it anyway, but you're excited and want to talk about it? lol. yeah.
#fanfic authors#writing#fanfic writing#idk know how many fics i've published because i had old accounts that don't exist anymore#but i think it's somewhere around 30-40 and i average something like 20k a fic#so it's a lot#and yet this stage never gets easier for me#i only have one fic that i have fully abandoned (that's a published wip)#but i'm always afraid i won't finish things so now I pretty don't publish unless i have completed the fic
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I WROTE A POEM threw it under the cut
I hate forgetting.
I know I want something but,
If my subconscious was interested in letting me know what I want,
Well that’d be a fucking shame, wouldn’t it?
There’s thirst behind my teeth,
my skin longs for your warmth
Mildew-filled lungs power my body.
Oh, don’t you know I’m burning like this all for you?
You know me, can’t you guess?
No, you’re forgetting just like me.
We’re always just the same,
It’s crazy.
I guess it makes sense.
Forgetting granted me my “me,”
And you your “you.”
And I learned that forgetting granted me myself from you.
And yet the way we forget is so different.
You’re empty, nothing’s there,
And for the while nothing needs to be–
Nifty, isn’t it?
I’m empty, just like you
nothing’s there, just like you
And god, if there remains to be nothing,
I think I might die.
I watched someone who,
If I were a touch more unfortunate,
I’d see to be my father,
Get his memories of my time rejected out of his body.
My ribs are rotting.
My body and mind are empty,
And they long to be filled with you.
They’ve wanted it for so long I’m not sure they’re satiable anymore.
#this is the first draft of this wreck be nice#poetry#poems#›› arachnid verse#original poem#this is my first published poem ever fun fact#i'm kinda afraid#also being plural is just so fun#i have more disturbing poetry about it if you guys want it#both more in quantity and quality
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so me and my friend are onto season 4 of X-files now and we got to the csm-centric episode, right. and when he put the sniper rifle up from the window at the start I was like "whoa there. jfk assassination much?"-- and then the flashback starts and wouldn't you fucking know it, csm was the one who killed jfk??
this made me joke about how "what is he, the dark version of forrest gump or something? lmao" (ie. being present at a bunch of historical happenings), and then it seems like I was right because after that, he killed martin luther king too... aND TH E N towards the end, they make a fuckin forrest gump reference???
guys I think I'm finally becoming psychic
#x-files#anyway good season so far#'the field where I died' was another good one#this ep was fun too ngl cause I'm afraid I love to hate this guy#I love how it shows how /weak/ csm actually is#seems like he just gets swept up in shit all 'okay I guess I'm doing this now (hashtag powertrip)'#dude has all the agency over a bunch of others but he has no agency over himself#he couldn't even resist the peer pressure to start smoking. bruh#and he couldn't even follow through with it when he tried to /stop/ smoking either#and then when he thought he was gonna get a big break as an author and was like 'fuck yeah I'll resign from the evil job now'#..but then the editors changed the ending when publishing it so he was like 'nvm. fuck everything. violent path it is then'#that whole thing reminded me so much of john in Saw X too when he thought he'd been cured-#-so he threw away the trap-sketches he was making. guy was gonna straight up quit being jigsaw bc he thought he would get to live after all#wait a sec.... john has cancer and is a villain... csm is called 'cancerman' and is also a villain........ [connecting dots in my mind rn]#but yeah um-- back to what I was saying- this ep somehow made csm a bit less infuriating for me?#cause now we got to see that actually he doesn't have everything under control. in fact it's like he barely has a will of his own#bro has zero conviction. barely any willpower. no life. if he fails at something once- that's it. he'll quit trying forever#he's literally a loser. we love to see it#(also wtf I didn't think deep throat would be the one who argued FOR killing that alien while csm was the one who questioned it?)#(but deep throat SAID to mulder later that he regretted the things he'd done an d he helped the good guys in the end so....)#(deep throat had his redemption arc. love that guy....except for when he killed the alien. that wasn't cool)
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Writing an underresearched Young Justice fic in comic sans with faux-screenplay formatting was unironically one of the best writing choices I ever made. My young self was Freed From The Bonds Of Trying To Write Good! We were doing COMIC SANS and ITALICS and BOLD and COLORED TEXT and breaking all the writing rules ever! and it was awesome!
And! it gave me the first precious experience of writing as something fun as opposed to stressful!!! I cannot possibly explain how impactful that was.
This has been the story of why I am forever in debt to comic sans *salutes with tears in my eyes*
#the fic is never to be published I'm afraid#it was a collaboration between me and my IRL bff and we're not finishing it#but it was so sweet while it lasted#on writing#OKAY NOW I GOTTA GO DO HOMEWORK
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Since it's on my mind...
I don't mention this on AO3, it's against TOS (besides, I like sharing some of my work "for free" and agree with AO3's stance for legal reasons), but I do have some writing published. Two erotica and the old version of a novel about an asexual incubus (I'm rewriting it) are still up for sale.
I'm self-publishing a short story and another novel soon. Both are generally sfw but have dark content.
But I'm also working on stories right now that I seem to divide up in my head as "can be published" and "probably just going to put this on AO3" - and I really love sharing stuff, even if I don't make money. Which is something, because my financial situation is bleak as fuck, so I sometimes toss my ko-fi around. I'm unemployed right now. I have been for a while. I'm moving states away from family and in with a friend once my friend sorts a housing situation for us, and I hope to get on my feet a bit better there... But I am disabled.
I still want to share writing that's "free" basically. Even though it's original.
But yeah, if anyone wants to support my other writings, I'd love that, and sometimes they'll be on AO3 and other times they'll be published. Sharing it is my main goal. I just want enough money to survive and be able to keep on writing! I've never gone to college or anything like that so I've learned writing purely by self-motivation. (I wasn't permitted to live with family and go to college at the same time unless I worked full time to "justify" going, and I just... can't do that. Never could.)
I know AO3 is protecting its fic writers legally by banning mentions of patreon/kofi/commissions and I understand that! So I try to share plenty of my work across social media otherwise, and think of what I post on AO3 as separate from anything that might get me tips or w/e. (Also, I don't want to use patreon except in the event that I can support some other creators someday I HOPE, but I might use subscribestar adult?)
And I appreciate that people read my stuff. It's actually really incredible. I am rather hard on myself and my abilities, but I know people see something good in what I write, even when I don't. Thank you for that. It means a lot!
#sorry for the ramble#I'm not sure it's fully coherent either but I have been having a weird few days with health and it's impacting my focus heavily#anyway I have some people ask about my other works and some people ask if I've published stuff or that they'd buy stuff if I did publish#and I'm gonna be honest at this point I'm afraid more than anything that I'll die before I share most of my work so I'm hustling over here#best that I can
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Once again flopping over while trying to get my brain to work on a specific fic but all it's giving me is character blurbs for something else entirely.
I'm at one of those writer problems points where I need to give myself permission to write whatever I want.
#writer problems#writer things#this is one reason I'm afraid I couldn't make it as a published author#I can't write on command#I can't focus on one specific project at a time#writeblr
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Lady in the "How to Write a Query Letter" webinar: remember, your book is a PRODUCT, you are trying to SELL it to the agent, you need to prove that your story can be MARKETED
Me: ma'am I would rather die
#treating a deep and honest expression of the self as something to be bought and sold makes me so uncomfortable#but I'm really afraid if i self publish functionally nobody would read my book#i actually don't care about the money! but i DO care about the attention#i care about the connection with readers#I care that my story is out there#but i don't want it to be a product. hell if it were up to me i would give it away for free or pay-what-you-want#but it seems so rare for self pub authors to get their work out there#*especially* if you don't have an existing following
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having sososososo many brainworms about teen rowan discovering terrible things about themself
#i feel like i've kind of let myself down in a way when writing rowan#because everything i've written and published so far presents them as a pretty nice person overall#but there is so much more to them than that!! there are multiple point in their life where they're kind of a shit person!!#but i'm almost afraid to write about these moments where they do and say and think awful things bc i dont want ppl to start hating them...#augh. character development is pain#rowan rambles
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I'm so bad at character summaries, it's like "this is my new OC Jesse. He is me at 15 if I had been a boy. He has trauma that differs only slightly from my own, and he is definitely not an outlet for expressing my regrets about the early years of my PTSD when I acted out in ways I shouldn't have :) also he likes to paint!"
#writing#a short story? a novel? not sure yet!#i've got enough plot for a novel#but idk it's like... very deep and bad things happen to this boy and i'm afraid of the prospect of publishing that#also i'm not great at following through before i come up with a new idea and get distracted lol
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Writer This or That
I was tagged by @pellaaearien, thank you <3<3<3
rules: answer in a separate post
Type it up or write it down // Write during the day or write late at night // Plan it out or write it as it comes // Scheduled updates or sporadic updates // Wips in a folder or wips all over // Angst or fluff // Get to the point or long and detailed // Notes in a notebook or notes on your phone // Edit now or edit later // Beta reader or edit yourself // Post chapters or post entire work // Music or silence // Snacks or no snacks // Tropes or new ideas // Beginning first or ending first // Show your irl friends or show your online friends // write every day or write when you’re inspired // fiction or non fiction // write for yourself or write for others
I tag @sirnotappearinginthisblog and @scifrey, if you feel up to it <3
#Very hard to choose between some of these things#I contain multitudes#Most of the time I only plan things out in writing if it's a longer and more complex story#Or if I'm straight up afraid I'm going to forget about a good idea#Love to write during the day if I can find the time#Having a hard time deciding how I feel about this whole post things chapter by chapter vs just dump it all in one go#I don't publish at all if I haven't finished the entire story for fear that I'll post something I won't finish#I don't trust my ADD that much#also it's nice to be able to change my mind about things later and go back to edit it without worrying about changing something published#tag games#writing#I feel I must clarify that I snack all the time but it can distract from the writing#So ideally there are snacks before or after a session instead
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I dreamt of biathlon last night. Like my brain needed its biathlon fix and made up a whole race
#biathlon#it wasn't going well for Julia#the pressure for the yellow bib was eating at her#it was a pursuit or a mass start and she was doing really well until the last shooting#where she kind of fell apart#which is basically what I'm afraid is going to happen#because expectations are so high and we are so bad at trusting our athletes to achieve big things in France#or just do their best and be happy with the results - whatever they are#I mean it hadn't been two days and already yesterday L'Équipe published an article about how she had to win the total score#I love L'Équipe but please leave her alone#anyway I'll shut up now#off to bed
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