i love video games so much 🥺

i couldn’t make up my mind for who would be who for this meme but this is what i thought of first therefore

happy valentine's, here's new year's car sex

Wild that anytime I post an update a lot of people read it and are even excited about it and have their own thoughts and reactions to it that I'll never know.

Comments are only the very tip of the iceberg with it. And I am Very grateful to commenters for letting me in on it. But in the same way that I'll be excited with my friends when a fic we love updates, it's likely that Other people enthuse with Their friends when my fic updates. And it's just so strange. An experience I'll never have access to.

Everyone's relationship with my fic is unique. So many different people with so many different circumstances and preferences... and the number of people that have told me that my fic is one of their favorites, some even saying it's their Favorite favorite... every single one of them have their own relationship with my writing.

It's just interesting to me. I think and think and think on my writing. I have my plans for basically the entire fic, the way I want it to end already thought out, all the major plot beats and the relationship progressions, All of that thought out. I love my writing so very much, but I'm on the inside looking out. This is my mechanical horse, and I'm in here laying out the groundwork and pulling levers and constructing limbs, puttering away making the horse move. Forever and always, my relationship with it will be more intimate than anyone's, and yet more clinical. Because I know it better than the back of my own hand, but I'll never have the experience of reading it fresh. Of reading it without knowing everything that's going to happen from now to the end and beyond. I won't have the thrill of the plot twists I have planned, the delight at seeing things progress, the horror at seeing things go wrong...

This is my mechanical horse, and I'm making it move.

I just always wonder what it must be like to see it from the outside. I hope to others that it's a pretty horse.

I know I rambled about this yesterday a bit, but it's actually stupid how much it works for me turning writing into a game where I'm "fighting monsters" by writing words (4thewords.com). Because instead of procrastinating and worrying my words aren't Good. Enough. (even though I know drafts are allowed to be bad) I'm like, "Well I have 45minutes to write these 200 words," which is so easily doable I don't even NEED to be focused (though word counts and time limits vary by monster). But the sooner I win the battle the sooner I can get the silly points and rewards and fight another monster and why is this working so well?

It's not just that it has me writing more than usual/not procrastinating, it's that it has me not caring if the words are good. And NOTHING else I've tried has been able to do that for me anywhere near this effectively.

I once saw a youtube comment wish that Doubt Comes In didn’t include Eurydice’s part so that we could experience the trial from Orpheus’ perspective and feel the same doubt of whether she’s actually following him. I thought about this for a bit and would like to appreciate that Hadestown doesn’t go down this  route. All things considered, Eurydice is the true main character of Hadestown: she gets the dramatic final introduction in the opener, Any Way The Wind Blows is very much a traditional protagonist “I Want” song, and Act 1 closely follows her changing perspective of Orpheus whilst he just kinda stays static throughout. Although Act 2 sorta forgets about this set-up and leans more towards Orpheus as the story’s hero, she still gets an upward journey from a jaded woman bitter towards the lonely world into an intensely passionate optimist who would walk with her lover to the end of time. It would be a disgrace for her voice to be taken away at the very end of the story, as the suspense comes not from dreading that Orpheus’ doubts may actually come true, but from hoping that Eurydice’s renewed faith and assured attempts at comforting her broken lover will be enough to save her.

i've passed 20k words in my tsbk doc i'm p sure this is a new record for me :)

sniffs. man. i really want this job :(

this rpc is hard to be in when all of your friends have left or keep leaving faster than you can meet new people

Just want to share that I've made the blog @nevermoorsource, which I intend to use as a place to post updates/news/behind-the-scenes stuff related to Nevermoor. I like to keep track of all of this stuff anyways so I figured I might as well make a sideblog just to keep it all in one place.

I don't have any news to post yet (and probably won't for awhile considering we're in a bit of a drought right now), but I did finish organizing all of the chapter illustrations for the American editions if you want to take a look. Tumblr limits the number of images you can have in a post so I had to use pages, therefore you'll have the best experience viewing them if you're on desktop with custom themes enabled. Here's the mobile navigation because the desktop database isn't set up yet.

Currently I'm working on gathering other stuff like interviews and figuring out my tag system, so there's nothing else on there, but stay tuned and keep your eyes peeled on that blog because I'll announce over there when I have that stuff up.

is it an adhd thing to need to reinvent the concept of a study space so you have any chance of actually studying or just a facet of being alive that no one warned me about

Oooh how about 18 (if you want to, it looked like a funny question), 32, and 37 for Balthazar?

I fear I'm going to disappoint you on 18- I don't have my ex's encyclopedic memory of B99 even if thanks to them I think I've seen the whole show about five times over. ^^;; But I can do my best for the others!

[prompt]

32. Your character is having a prom night/debs. What kind of outfit do they wear?

Hm, a modern question. Balthazar is so weird to define in modern style because we live in an era where masculine clothing is rather enclosed. I think being trans in a modern setting vs. a fantasy setting also comes with a different kind of weight. But there's a fantasy element to prom, and certainly a certain kind of spite that queer teens bring to it (at least in my own experience). His outfit is cobbled together from a combination of thrifted oddities and ordinary formalwear. The pride of this ensemble is a bright red blouse with ruffly poet sleeves that must have been nearly fifty years out of style. He goes as friends with Linzi and both of them are called vampire lesbians at school for a week afterwards. It's a nightmare.

At this point in his teen years he would have been a true terror if he'd been left in the Catholic school he went to when he was younger.

37. Your character has been kidnapped. Who has kidnapped them and how do they escape?

Hm, a lot of possible answers here. To seize on one that nearly did happen: one of Balthazar's great fears when he was younger and homeless for a time was getting picked up by any of the various cults that valued having a discount celestial on hand for various gruesome reasons- there's a reason the average lifespan of aasimar is so low. He was never very capable of defending himself despite his sorcerous abilities, so he slept with one eye open and was constantly paranoid about anyone he spent the night with. He can vividly remember an evening that he was approached by a pleasant, well-dressed woman who seemed especially set on talking to him; when she bent forward he caught the briefest glimpse of a death's head moth tattoo under her shirt. Even after he made his excuses and left the bar she had cornered him in, he kept thinking he caught saw someone from the corner of his eye following him throughout the evening. He ultimately spent the night on the floor of a temple of Abadar with a concerned young cleric near him. It's frighteningly easy to imagine what could have happened if he hadn't picked up anything strange about that woman. He could have easily gone along with her to her home- or wherever she decided to lead him- and woken up imprisoned who knows where (if he'd woken up at all).

If he was stuck in a situation like that, it would be difficult to escape, and it would have to be done fast. He would seize on the first opportunity he had with one of his captors alone to attempt to charm them into either giving him the opportunity to get away or getting close enough that if he put them under with a spell he could get either the keys (ideally) or a weapon away from them. There wouldn't be much more for it then except making a break for it and hoping he got lucky. Who knows- somehow his abysmally terrible luck somehow always balances out in the critical moment. Despite everything, maybe the gods look out for him after all.

Had a true "s-senpai 🤩?" moment at 9am this morning i tell you what

It’s okay if u don’t want to but I really want to see bf with hickeys or whitty giving bf some nasty love bites. (btw don’t reply if it sounds disturbing)

oh trust me I want to, it's just that doodling said stuff is hard af, so I guess I can try but no guarantee it'll look quite right lol

so ye anyways here it is under cut bc avoidable for the people who don't wanna see attempts at nasty love bites I guess ha

sorry it looks wonky af but here ya go

as said these types of interactions are hard to doodle, and also I have no clue how love bites and/or hickeys work so eh, it is what it is ha

Did my first session of therapy and it went pretty well, I think 👍

I got an adhd diagnosis like right away lmao. I mentioned to her I think I have autism but I'm not interested in a diagnosis, so we didn't touch that. There's also the possibility of prolonged grief disorder, tho it's hard to tell given that. Well. The grief is neverending for me, actually. But regardless of what it is, we will be working on it.

So! Things are looking up! And when I have my doctor's appointment in 2 months, I will have a neat little paper to be like "give me adhd medication, please :]"

weird mile thought that just occurred to me: so mile has said he'd been asked to take other bl roles before right? and never really expressed any hesitation about taking one - like he was confident that it'd be his choice even though he wasn't a known actor, hadn't ever had an actual acting role before? and i was wondering at like this casual assumption that he'd be able to do a role, like he was almost deigning to take it rather than being insecure or worried about being good enough. and while i realize some of that is just mile (and the life experience of being rich and good-looking lol) i think some of it probably would also have been to do with the kinds of things he'd been offered?

i was thinking: someone described mile as kind of like a thai kim kardashian because he previously was sort of famous for being basically a rich socialite-type. and one thing you learn about thai bl shows if you pay even a little attention is that they love a cameo guest role from other bl actors or cps. there are always these little moments where some random encounter with a walk-on background character in a bl show seems to be dragged out a bit and given a confusing amount of time and significance where later you'll see everyone going crazy in the chat "omg it was so&so from last year's drama! they were the couple at the fashion show!!!" etc etc.

so how likely is it that the "roles" mile was offered were of that kind - attempts to take advantage of his celebrity and followers to bump the viewership of a bl drama with a cameo turn by "extremely handsome restaurant patron mile" or "extremely handsome businessman mile " or maybe even "extremely handsome suave beach-goer mile"?

it just seems very likely, considering how celebrity can function and also mile's kind of supreme confidence about picking and choosing from among offers.

but what i love, and what i realized might have been a little bit of an "f* you" on mile's part for the implied assumption that he maybe couldn't pull off a real role, is that he decided to go in and actually audition for kinnporsche when he heard about it, not for some kind of gravy star cameo, but for the full leading role, when he hadn't acted before.

like we all laugh that he heard it was based on himself and saw a chance that apo might be involved and jumped at it, but seriously. seriously, think: if kim kardashian one day just decided to audition for a genuine movie/tv role in idk succession or something - not a gimmick part, not a walk-on as "herself" - what would the reaction be??

do you think most celebrities could handle a full lead role like that? just ... decide to do it, and then not only pull it off, but do a brilliant job?

just, with all the sort of interpersonal stuff with daemi that's been sort of an avoided discussion and the way mile has said he'd read yok's work before, i'm speculating that going for a much bigger and more demanding role than maybe what he'd been offered before was a way for mile to make a kind of statement of his own, staking his own worth as an actor not just some 'pretty face with nice tits' (which is kind of how i feel like sometimes the whole cast got treated by the writers)

and that fills me anew with a kind of gleeful appreciation for his style and boldness.