#i’ve got.. my work cut out for me
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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somehow less time than it feels like and also. haunting that it’s over a decade
#I rlly thought I made this the year before I actually did it turns out#major life events that have happened in these 11 years: realized I was ace / survived high school / joints deteriorated to the point of#constant pain / brother died / sisters fiancé cut and ran#/ dropped my lifelong dream of being a photojournalist / The Depressions™️#/ got evacuated from a country / studied abroad / figured my shit out (for the moment) /#✨thrived✨ in my later years at college / lost my job / got stranded in Atlanta for 1.5 yr / got my dream job#/ hated my dream job / started freelance dance / escaped my dream job / started working at my current job#/ started teaching dance / somehow still have not actually figured out my shit#but overall am the happiest and most *me* I’ve ever been#tumblr anniversary
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I have done so much crying in the last few days I’m going to dehydrate
#I’ve just been highly emotional lately#work stress is getting to me#I love love love my job but it’s a lot right now#also got contacted by someone who I cut out of my life over three years ago today#not crying over it but it definitely threw me off my game
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it’s amazing how writing this behemoth of a work has just massively improved my mood
#writing is one of my oldest coping mechanisms and MAN that shit works every time. i am having so much fun#we’ve got coming back from the dead we’ve got slicing and dicing into arms we’ve got attempted murder we’ve got insane doctors trying to#kidnap children we’ve got it all!!!!#my friend and I were talking for like 3hrs yesterday about this and the best way to cut something out of someone’s arm and I was like well.#it’s the longest thing I’ve ever written. it’s certainly not my magnum opus though LMAOOOO#I have many years ahead of me to write better than this#.txt#the behemoth
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I went to my aunt’s house a picked a ton of cucumbers, tomatoes, plums and a handful of apples so I guess I’ll be spending all of tomorrow canning
#I’ve got my work cut out for me#plus I have a small amount of green tomatoes I want to make salsa with
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it’s actually so terrible how you can go to a place and then leave and never ever be able to go back there ever again with no warning at all.
#my friend just got their weird large decorative giraffe statue thing (as a sort of strange joke gift) and it’s so odd. but it’s very similar#to the wooden decorative giraffes my grandma used to have in her apartment (also kind of strange) and I was thinking of them. and her apartm#ent. and she moved out of that place really abruptly and into a care home two summers ago. and I was too busy with work to go down and help#her move. but they did it so fast that she had to just throw out a lot of things. I’m assuming those giraffes were included and it’s all#gone now. like I’ve seen her new place. though that place is done too now cause she moved again last month. but it’s like. I spent so many#hours in that apartment over Years. and I can never go back. like I kind of hated that apartment but I miss those giraffes.#and don’t even get me started on my other grandparents home. I used to sleep over in their house and I spent even more time there.#and then those guys moved to a condo and now some strangers own that house. and they painted the siding and cut down the big tree and they#always keep the curtains on the bay window closed. and it’s literally sick that this is how the world is#wow sorry that’s so long. um. this is what a decorative giraffe statue can do to a guy
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there was no preparing me for how lonely post-grad life would be lmfao
#I’ve finally cut my mom off#I have like four total friends and only one who lives here#I work 6 days a week at a smoothie shop where the owner treats us horribly#but I stay working 50 hour weeks bc I need the money for a car & to keep saving for grad school#I finally bought my own health insurance#but apparently it doesn’t matter bc no psychiatrists will take me#even tho we’ve called over 10#my therapist has all but ditched me#it’s been almost a year since the most devastating relationship loss of my life#and while most days I have made my peace with it#I am still sometimes so full of hurt & confusion & regret & longing & the urge to beg on my knees for things to be fixed#my relationship with food is so fucked#I am looking everywhere for the joy in living and I am not finding it#I know it’s there I know it is#but I cannot feel it I am so lonely I am so out of my depth#my mom got rid of the dogs without telling me#I am so desperate for help that I can’t seem to get in this useless country#I want a hug so badly that I am literally have dreams where someone hugs me#I want my mom to just be good and normal and not awful to me#I want to go home but it feels like an intangible place I can no longer go to#i don’t know if there’s any fixing that#I am trying so so hard to be good#and yet I still lose everything & I can only assume the problem is me#but I just want#to be fixed
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and lastly redid her braid!! im very satisfied with her outcome :3c time to find out how to clean flocking…
#I’ve always wanted a so soft pony but I dreaded cleaning their soft fuzz#And now that I have stardust the snoozer I have GOT to clean him up!!! He is very grey and dull#Moving his joints reveals just how bright his actual flocking looks compared to it now#I have my work cut out for me!!!!!#AUGH im so happy hes exactly the once i wanted
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you know that scene in nocturnal animals when jake gyllenhaal’s character says to amy adams “when you love someone, you work it out. you don't just throw it away. you have to be careful with it, you might never get it again” I feel it very close to my heart
#you have to work constantly on your relationship even if you think it’s established and good you#especially IF it's established#you can’t treat them for granted#I lost someone dear to me because of this#I could’ve lose another person because of this#and my friend is getting a divorce because for her it was death by a thousand cuts with her husband#oh this is all so sad. please cherish people that you love#and you can work everything out if you both want it#thank you tom ford thank you jake for delivering it#Amy’s face at the end of the movie says it all. he was right and got his revenge on her at the end#I’ve watched that movie in 2016 and started reflecting on it like.. just NOW#I wasn’t scared of losing my loved once then I guess#and now I have and it terrifies me#i also always wondered did she really have a daughter? with army hammer’s character or that was like a dream sequence?#oh that scene when Edward founds out about her abortion#oh the sadness#okay it’s time to stop
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#me this fine thursday morning 🤠#honestly I’ve been really enjoying my new job because I get to specialise in what I want and my boss is a literal angel#like i would do anything for her bcs she is such a kind soul who is constantly looking out for the people under her charge#and she’s so down to earth and easy to work with#BUT. my mom has been throwing all kinds of shade and subtext at me#and I keep telling myself it’s a small thing I’m used to it it shouldn’t grate on my nerves so much#but it does??? and I can’t keep gaslighting myself???#tldr she lowkey thinks I got ‘let off’ my previous job bcs I was lazy and left a bad impression due to my coming in late#but what about all the 3am nights?????? girl’s gotta sleep????#also I literally told my previous job ‘give me disputes or nothing’ and they couldn’t give me what I wanted bcs it was a bad time#and just recession vibes#so they offered for me to go to Dubai instead#which my mom just INSISTS was a dumping ground bcs I wasn’t good enough or smt wtf#meanwhile she gets so defensive of my sister who hasn’t worked for nearly 4 years#I tried to tell her FACTS and she literally told me not to accuse my sister and that she’s working part time and I’m like??? she’s not???#and my sister is being so miserly and insufferably calculative over every penny#while JETTING OFF EVERYWHERE ON BUSINESS CLASS. I JUST. ?!?-&:&/!:!:!:$:#anyway the subtext is just that my mom is concerned her only source of income aka me will be cut off lol#but I was still??? giving her an allowance while travelling??? meanwhile my sister is just asking us to cough up $$ for her share of the#mortgage?????!????!!!!?#what a morning. I’m so mad I could punch a wall lol#Spotify
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#oh gyals#one of our clients is a Brazilian brand and they want to send us to Brazil to go to their HQ#and I’ve just seen in our report that 2 members are approved to go to Brazil…#WHO WANTS TO BET ITS NOT ME#it’s my boss and the girl who just got hired last year#not me who’s worked here for 5 YEARS and started as an UNPAID intern………..#I’ve already been cut ‘bc of budget’ from going to Miami TWICE last year#I am like literally furious#why have I put in so much of my time to this?#only to like not get ANY rewards or benefits#also they’re all like xenophobic as hell they’re like we yeah it’s rough in Brazil we have to get in and get out#one thing about me is if I am going to Brazil on the company’s dime I am going to have a nice time#…maybe that’s why they don’t send me lmaoooooooo
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While it does suck to no longer be comfortable around someone who was once a close friend I think it may suck more to like. Not be able to mention it
#you see the reason has to do with my privacy being invaded on social media#my parents do not know I have social media#and quite frankly if they did they would immediately disrespect any boundary I have#so I can’t be like oh this is what happened#i also can’t just be like oh we had a fight bc I don’t really want to talk about it isn’t something my parents will allow me to say#they’ll sooner drag an answer out of me than let me keep things to myself#but I’ve gone to see friends recently and they keep being like oh well where’s she? why wasn’t she there?#and it’s like. I don’t know how many times I can be like oh she had work#i think my dad may be catching vibes bc he was like oh well is she still moving with u this fall?#and I was like welll I don’t know she’s got a college class she might have to stay for so I don’t know#cause like. it’s not that I never want to speak to her again. i will just never share personal information again#it’ll be like I’ve become a cardboard cut out of myself and will not be around nearly as often#here’s the thing. i said give me space and like yeah that’s what I want but I very much will stop talking to her if I don’t do something#within the next month. like out of sight out of mind is so very real especially given the situation#i could have some fun designing a new personality facet for her#i could make it a little robotic and very on the aloof side#it’s all around very annoying#soup talks
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Every sales job I’ve worked has that one item. The white whale. The biggest ticket you can sell. The sale you brag about when you’re chatting with other industry people.
When I sold mattresses it was a split king adjustable base. That’s two twin extra long mattresses next to each other to make a king, but each side can move independently. They’re insanely expensive and honestly kind’ve impractical but it was the biggest ticket thing to sell.
When I sold sex toys though our white whale was the 20lb ass. It was a female pelvis, a cut out from the waist to the tops of the thighs. It was hyper realistic material and cost about $500. I definitely had bigger tickets but not in one item typically.
In my time at the sex shop, I sold three. Each time was completely different in terms of how the guy acted about buying it. The first man was a little embarrassed and shy about it. I was professional and supportive as I rang it up. Once I handed him the receipt he looked at the box. Then he looked at me.
If you’ve ever wondered how big a box has to be to fit a 20lb ass let me just tell you: it’s pretty damn big. It’s an uncomfortably large armful of box and every side has a picture of the sex toy inside on it. It’s not subtle.
“Could I get a bag….?”
There was no bag that existed that could possibly contain all that ass. “Hang on,” I told him.
I got scissors and tape and covered the box in cut up black bags. Looking relieved he picked up his purchase and left.
The next man to buy one carried it proudly to the counter; self assured and not embarrassed in the least. When I said I didn’t have a bag, but I could wrap it for him he gave a hearty shrug and hefted it into his arms, marching out the door with the butt on full display.
The last man to get one was just kind’ve an odd guy. Not creepy, but eccentric. We got along great, and as I rang him up I said, “Well one guy wanted his taped over, and one guy carried it out. What would you prefer?”
“There’s no bags?”
“No store bags. I think our jumbo trash bags in the back might fit it….?” It seemed rude to suggest putting a $500 item into a trash bag, but he wasn’t bothered.
He considered this then said, “Bring me the trash bag.”
When I delivered it to him he still managed to surprise me. Instead of shoving the huge box into it he opened the box. He took out his new $500 sex toy, and all the little things it came with, tipping them unceremoniously into the trash bag.
“There! Now I don’t have to deal with the box later!”
I was slightly stunned but agreed that I could easily deal with the trash. Then in a move I still think about with delight he flung the trash bag over his shoulder like a Santa with a sack full of ass and sauntered out the door.
If this or my other escapades made you laugh you could pop a tip into my Ko-fi! For more like this check my tag "ffs foibles".
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i’m just hormonal bc i’m on my period my life isn’t slowly getting worse and worse it’s just my period
#abc shut it#vent#i’m not crying bc i’m depressed and misreble and feel like any steps i try to make to better myself don’t work or are in vain#like i’m trying so hard but i feel so cut off and isolated#my very existsnce feels pointless#like look all i know i do is complain but i really am trying#i try not do but it’s fucking pointless bc im so socially stunted and all i get is pity instead of genuine help#i get told to help myself and try harder when i can only do that for so long when i have no community supporting me#my own mother talks to one of my highschool friends than she does me#i wanna make more art froends in the community but i can’t seem to relate to any of them#and connections don’t get made more than just chit chat at conventions#i get told to talk in the artist alley fiscord i’m in but i feel like i don’t belong and don’t click there#and the server overwhelms me bc i’ve never been in a server that big and complex and no one wants to hold my hand through it#just use it and talk#where??? what channels???? what the fuck is any of this what are these folders and what topics of conversation belov where#i’m never invited to servers and the one two i’ve been in i got kicked from for bs reasons and the other died#like how am i suppose to use discord when i can’t carry a conversation and i’m expected to contadntly reach out if i wanna feel like i exist#outside my own fucking mind#like i’m genuinely going fucking crazy and i wanna go to therapy#but that’s kinda sad bc all i do is vent on her or talk to a therapist bc i have no one to fucking turn too#like a therapist will tell me everythig everyone has already told me as if i don’t already know that shit#like lmao lol i do infact have a time limit believe it or not#i could get medicated for depression and anxiety then what?#i’m just a medicated loner austin freak who can’t make friends#i try and try and try to figure out how to be likeable and keep people in my life but i just don’t know what’s fucking wrong with me#like i just dunno how to cope anymore the only reason i haven’t relapsed back into self harm is bc i am a 25 years old#that’s so childish i cannot be doing that anymore lol what am i a stupid fucking baby#but god i am really struggling to find reasons to keep living#and i feel so dumb complaining when ppl have worse lives than me
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I really need three days off in a week bc between plans with friends and family obligations I have absolutely no time to relax
#I don’t count it as a day off unless I don’t go anywhere or see anyone#day off means locked in my apartment. alone. staring at the wall and talking to myself for hours#I have to go to grandma’s tomorrow bc I always see her once a week#and she made me borsch. I can’t just skip out on borsch#and then I promised my friends I’d go ice skating with them on Sunday#idk why I agreed#I’ve never even seen a pair of skates in real life before#I can’t work properly when I’ve got two feet on the ground. let alone when skates and ice are involved#it’s gonna end so badly I can already tell#a long time ago a friend tried to teach me to rollerblade#I couldn’t even get off the floor after putting the rollerblades on#I am absolutely not cut out for stuff like this#no sense of balance. whatsoever#it’s gonna be miserable for everyone involved bc I’ll spend the entire trying not to fall#and my friends will spend the entire time helping me not fall#I really shouldn’t have agreed. I never even wanted to go. but I’ve never taken part in any winter activity. ever#ice skating. skiing. snowboarding. snowball fights. building a snowman. none of it#and my friend had three passes left to a rink by her house#I have to go#I literally can’t cancel#but I have so much shit happening next week and I really need a day off to just sit and process it all#right now I’m actively ignoring everything coming up bc if I think about it I will sob my eyes out#and I already do that enough. and I can’t sleep after I cry and I’ve been sleep deprived for months#god.. how will I ever make it through life if I can’t even handle going out with friends on a weekend and one single mock exam??#life’s really hammering in that I’m all grown up now huh#okay. no. nope. not gonna go there. not gonna cry tonight. I can’t keep crying all the time it’s not good for me#I swear I didn’t cry this much when I was actively depressed and suicidal. and it’s not those cleansing cries either#I always feel like shit afterwards. but what can you do. I just have to get it together and stop whining#I made a commitment. now I have to follow through. like the adult I almost am. no more complaining#I’m done
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yeah shit is gonna be rocky I think with the friend I’m staying with
#like I had breakfast and I said maybe too jokingly that I felt like I was gonna throw up#and she was just like bookin it to this place she wanted to show me#and I’m yanno. don’t know at all where I’m going and I’m just following her as best as I can#and she turns left and like a person on a scooter came really close to her and ik that was more what she was upset at#but then she was like#giving me attitude like. we’re going over *here* it’s this way I made a *left*#and I’m like yeah dude I don’t know where I’m going#I honestly wish I got along with her better but honestly idk like I’ve had more issues with her than most of my friends#and I want our friendship to work and I think it does from afar or like smaller amounts of time together#but we’re gonna be together for two weekssss#and I’m also very thankful that she’s letting me stay here and this is my first time abroad but idk#I wish that she’s be a bit more conscientious of me but also I am an adult so I shouldn’t need a baby sitter#she’s kind but not nice I suppose which is probably better overall as someone that I need to interact with#I’m also not like cut up about this but I am. worried for how we’re gonna get along throughout the trip#and that’s more why I want to go out to bars with other people around bc tbh I’m not really a bar girlie and clubbing scares me#and she’s into that stuff way more than I am#I think tonight I’m gonna be like hey. we both stayed up super late last night. you don’t have money. I have a meeting at 11pm.#maybe we shouldn’t go out tonight???#alternatively I also feel bad bc she’s had a really hard life and I know that she’s infinitely way more deserving of good things than I am#which is maybe not the mindset to have but it’s the only way I can articulate it#and I know this is also such a stupid first world problem to have to be like ughhh my friend that enjoys my company wants me to visit herrr#first in Italy for two weeks and then whatever country she lives in next year and the year after that#with increasing amounts of time away from home#maybe I’m just learning that traveling internationally is not something i really want to do#and maybe I’m lazy for that bc airports aren’t that bad it’s just the flight and all of the time that I dislike#my legs were so swollen when I landed it was a bit concerning#anyway. I don’t know necessarily if I want to or can really afford to go to Japan or South Korea next year and New Zealand the year after#and that could also be that I’m using my money in a different way#bc I could feasibly go if I still have the same job in two years#and that’s a whole other thing to talk about my relationship with money but anyway.
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