#i’m making myself cry over here
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theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh
#taylor.txt#im miserable primarily for other reasons right now but i dont think i appreciated how much this just…wouldnt feel like anything#i think especially in my case as someone who so desperately needed ‘going away to college’ to get out of my childhood situation#and now for the past 5 years everything ive done has been for the purpose of getting my degree and finishing school#like im fine i guess i just kind of wish i could feel proud of myself or happy its over instead of like dreading the ceremony and feeling#like everything i have to do for grad is just one more thing i have to check off a list. getting my grad photos done felt nice but idk#it kind of feels like no one really cares which. idk why i would expect it to NOT feel that way. but yeah#tl;dr im around Kinda…need to finish stuff up but im over the really busy part of this all. kinda just coasting to the end here tbh#when this is over i’m gonna get to my request fics. prommy. wanted to do them over the long weekend but i was sick :(#anyway like to be clear im fine. people have been pointing out today i seem down and i think embarrassingly a collection of my students#noticed me crying on the bus today but thats life i guess you make do. im sad and thats ok. tbh
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one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t
#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap#bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU#lol idk why my head is so bad today#the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it#i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!!#but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do#oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse#sorry guys needed to rant#the inadequacy was strong today#something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like#i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me.#and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but#my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m#missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids#who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me#for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just—#sorry#that felt good actually#idk what came over me#imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags#sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh#okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is
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i think voncid’s voice when he’s grieving at the end of ep 32 is so…. god. i’ve been thinking about older queer people lately and especially queer grief, and there’s something so lovely about the way voncid speaks about the second death of it all
#timothy's txts.#what if you chose even the barest presence of your love over the safety of the people you love here and now….#also the weight…. the weight of it all….#i’m NOT an ageless old man who deals with the grief of death and horror everywhere he turns#but i get it. it’s so heavy all the time i get it mr voncid#he just wants to hear his voice again… 😵💫😵💫😵💫#and if i know what you will say to me then why do i cling so jealously!!!!!#is that what i am? do i sit within your veins and bones like a cancer?#if i cut myself free no one remembers you but me#i can’t let you die the second death… i died it for you….#i died too!!!!!!! i died your second death for you!!!!! why shouldn’t i get to keep you!!!!!!!!!#i’m skipping lines but like oh god#WHY SHOULDNT I GET TO KEEP YOU!!!!!!!!!!#anyways. anyways….#tw caps#gwpod#ghost wax pod#ep 32 - bur#ALSO!!!!!!!! MAKE THAT OLD MAN CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#this is one of my favourite podcasts for the way they voice act like OAUAGGHHH it’s so scrumptious#how much emotion there is and how much distress and despair and urgency and anger and fear#every time cid gets emotional i just imagine his 🥺 <- eyes and i’m like yeah… that’s what’s supposed to happen………#tw emoji
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#it is 5 hrs past my bedtime and i am awake listening to Two Hearts by Dermot Kennedy on loop and crying over Rotating Shifts. again.#i couldn’t resist the urge to read the latest chapter any longer but i knew when i did i’d get like this#so Why did i wait for my period to roll around. i have made. a silly decision lmaooo#i’ve complained abt it before but i’m conflicted about how much more sensitive it makes me#my nightmares usually don’t make me cry but oh i was a Wreck this morning#so why i picked tonight to read the fic that always makes me cry is beyond me#i have never met a fic before that had me in such an intense emotional grip#and it’s fucking hilarious bc it’s not that intense of a story!! like yeah there’s been devastating parts but i’m out here having to-#-take a break every single chapter bc i’ll read one line that hits my inner child like a truck and i have to take a minute to recover#but the whiplash this fic gives me is so fucking funny and the range in the storytelling from comedy to tragedy is just.. *scream-cries*#it has my favorite characterization of Sun and Moon that i have ever seen#this chapter wasn’t even that sad i’m just Making myself sad about it#but on another level it also makes me sad in the sense that i don’t think i’ll ever be able to write something that good..#all that i want out of my writing endeavors is to make one (1) person feel as strongly and as much as RS makes me feel#and i don’t know if i can do that. i don’t know if my writing has what it takes bc i can’t even describe exactly what it is#i don’t think it’s a science that can be replicated. things either connect with someone or they don’t#the way Sun goes from worryingly innocent ‘wdym we can’t invite strangers to live with us?’ ‘wdym we can’t adopt an adult that needs help?’#to fucking. tearing an animatronic in half in a fit of protective rage and blocking access to all dating apps to prevent you from-#-finding anyone else bc he’s your Special Friend and he can’t have his Daydream falling for anyone else!! no no!!#it’s not a new concept but i eat it tf up when Sun is actually the one you should fear the most#like no i don’t think he’d hurt Reader but i dread to think of the things he would do For them#the back and forth between childlike innocence and terrifying intelligence possessiveness and physical capability is just mmmmm 100/10#and don’t even get me started on Moon. or i Will start crying again#he’s like yeah dumbass of course i’m gonna save you every time some POS man tries to **** you. of course i will you fucking crater-head#but i will complain at you about it the Entire way home and then i will steal your fucking toilet paper and pack you a raw egg for lunch#because i hate you 🖤 but Sun loves you and we would both kill for you 🖤 also i drank all of your chocolate milk 🖤 also i hate you :)#anyways i am paraphrasing obviously and dear god i hope no one who actually reads RS sees this bc i do not want my 2am ramblings taken as-#-any kind of Official Thoughtful Analysis of the story ok pls pls pls let me be insane abt my favorite fic without having to be articulate#i just have so many fucking FEELINGS about them. i am unwell.#i’m not even tagging this i’m just hitting post and going to sleep goodnight
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I’ve legitimately had a rotten day today. :(
#it’ll get better probably but I’ve been close to tears all day and I’m not really a crying person#never cry ever but today has made me want to pull my hair out!#I wake up late for work and then I go to close the door to my kitchen and the HANDLE falls off#had to move everything from my living room to the kitchen because there are workers fixing a part of the wall#forgot my headphones#get to work and my manager just randomly decided to switch everyone’s seats for the fun ig but like#I have issues with change and routine and blah blah also he sat me next to a dude that makes me uncomfortable#so I asked to move and then we had to move all the pcs around and all the cables were messed up#chest hurts my asthma is acting up and I still don’t have an inhaler#got into a fight with my bf over something stupid and almost cried in public#(all is well it was a silly fight)#didn’t get to get the hot chocolate I wanted because I was upset over said fight and just walked back to work#I go to get lunch and the place closed early somehow when they never do that#I am almost completely broke#get home to relax and the workers are STILL HERE even though they were supposed to be finished hours ago#it’s all a lot of silly small things but I do feel as if the world is against me today#bf is going to buy me pizza for dinner and also I have a rp reply from Simon I can distract myself with so all will be well soon!!!!
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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#my friend sent me a gift that is so like by definition ordinary but just makes me feel so cared for on a deep level that I’m over here like#🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓#i love my friends SO much????#how we’re they all given to me????#they are my siblings in life#i am NOTHING WITHOUT THEM LIKE 😭😭😭😭😭#sorry on my period ✌️✌️✌️✌️#I just can’t believe I moved hours away from my whole life and still found people who love me this much#I do not take it for granted 😭#idk I just had to…. say this#I need to figure out how to express myself better lol#for now. I will cry
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today i snapped & have reached a point that i needed to move the kitchen knives To the kitchen instead of storing them in my room w me 😭😭
#diary#i literally was like ok ! so we’re taking another pill today !#ALSJALSKALSKLAJSLAJSALJDLASKA#like NOPE ! we’re not going down this road girlypoo xx#LMFAOOOOOOOO#thank god i’m seeing my dr when i get back home in like 2.5week#we r getting that dowse FORMALLY INCREASED#bc we cant keep going at this rate 😭😭😭#over the past 9 weeks i’ve literally had 3oz of bud 😭😭😭#like girl … this isn’t sustainable ….#but i feel better now that i’m on the 150mg lol#like deadass i slept until 3p/4 then started crying bc i had to be alive#like it’s either go get locked up or increase ‼️#i hate insurance so much oh my god#i think i’ll do 2x75mg every other day instead of the 1 i think i’ll be able to make it work#this is my first test today of the 150 total bc i mean venlafaxine has a mad short half life so maybe i’ll be able to be stable on 150 every#other like here’s hoping bc i’ve so much shit to do like#literally it’s like every moment i’m sober it’s like just ‘how can i kill myself’ & the intrusive thoughts like girl i was washing dishes#& was like ok so we can Use This like no cut that out u rat#but here we are#We Move ‼️
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crying again lol ok
#purrs#and posting online abt it so i get immediate validation / support instead of asking for help from anyone im close to i know. but god fucking#damn it to hell. ok im going to be candid about this because it hurts so fucking bad. five years ago i met someone so important to me. and I#miss her so so so so much. and every space here i have a memory with her in. and she left in July and she’s gone. and im sobbing my eyes out#FOR WHY because it was over 6 months ago and im happier and she’s happier and we’re all happier. but i think im getting some aftershocks#being here for the first time without her exactly 5 years to the week we met: when she was so important to me. she was the whole reason i#even saw myself as something. and she’s fucking gone. she left. but she’s not dead like LMAO idk why im crying so hard when i could just#text her any time and tell her that i miss her. but idk. it’s just everything is stirring memories and they’re painful to think about now or#at least today because she’s gone and it all changed. i was just saying that i feel like im not having any emotions and tonight the grief ju#just rammed into me like a train and my fucking counselor sucks ass and won’t even help me work through it and everyone is busy and tired an#and im a staff coach so im not supposed to be having a fuckjng mental breakdown over **** pacing around in my bathroom at 1:23am but ive be#been thinking about her so much and remembering all the formative interactions i had with her here and missing her so much i want to explode#and die and p*ke and whatever. so stupid to cry about it but i fucking miss her. and i hate that she’s not here. and i’m trying so hard to b#be her but i have to be me but i can’t not have what she brought here and im just crashi ng and burning and can’t be honest and im having a#breakdown and crying so hard and i don’t know what to do. i ithink i’ll be fine after some sleep and reflection but my heart is like seizing#on itself right now and nothing takes my mind off it and i just keep crying LMFAOOOOOO. i hate it here#delete later#like how can you look at me like that and then fuck off to ****** 4.5 years later. you know? im about to punch a hole into the hallway#and i have to be quiet bc ppl are trying to sleep but it’s making me fucking crazy.#retreat tag
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genuinely, when will it end??? I am so tired of being here and I am not sure how much longer I can push myself to keep going. i’m exhausted.
#it’s 4am and I am feeling the Deep Darkies#I literally passed out at 9pm from mental exhaustion & also bc I wanted to start to get up early to start a morning routine#so I actually got a ton of sleep but the second I woke up I felt like I wanted to cry and now I feel so depressed out of no where#like girl WHYYYY#genuinely I am so debilitatingly depressed I have suicidal thoughts every single day#and I feel like ive tried everything to help myself like ive been to therapy ive been on and off meds for over a decade at this point#im starting to eat better and sleep more#like what the duck else do I do?#I genuinely feel like my brain is broken#I just want to cry and lay in bed every single day#like I cannot articulate the profound sadness into words but it’s. so bad#and it takes literally all my brain power to do one assignment a day for class like none of this is sustainable#and I just feel so much shame over it bc whenever I tell my mom she gets mad like it effects her or something and the few times ive made th#mistake of trying to confide in my dad he gave me the whole pull yourself up by the bootstraps talk so never again lol#my entire family has made me feel so much shame over it and none of my friends here even bother to ask how I feel and don’t make me feel#comfortable enough to talk to bc i’m always the fucking therapist friend helping everyone else#hence why I always vent on here lol I have no one to talk to#I just really don’t know what to do at this point like I feel like I need inpatient therapy at this point but that’s expensive and I don’t#want to tell my job why i’d need extended time off bc that would be so embarrassing and plus now i’m in school#so like what do I do#im tired of feeling like this I know this isn’t how life is supposed to be but it’s also all ive ever known#and what’s the point of living if i’m going to feel like this everyday? I don’t know how much longer I can take it#personal
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hoping u didn’t die cus u haven’t interacted in a while 🙏
(not saying u have to interact everyday i just wanna make sure ur doing ok!! rest up :3 )
nah i’m alive but i wish i wasn’t!!
#y’all don’t have to read this just ignore me#but i hate college#like studying in hs is one thing cus u just have to pass ur exams#and then ur done#but in college it’s like if u bs ur way thru it’s on u#cus this is is ur future job and if u don’t know shit ur gonna fuck ppl over#😭 i cannot see myself being a good doctor like i feel so stupid#also college is so lonely bruh#like everyone has different schedules so most of the time ur by urself#and i’m not big on parties but sitting in ur dorm studying for ur next exam while listening to everyone party outside is so lonely#like i wanna throw away my days and stay out till three am and miss my morning classes#but i CANT cus my parents wud kill me if i don’t pass#and even tho both of them r doctors they don’t understand mental health#and there’s no where to even cry properly here#like i thot being away from my parents wud make me happy 🪦#but instead i don’t feel at home at college nor at my actual house#😭 like where tf am i supposed to go then#and mostly everyone here is white and i feel so out of place#and in group projects i have to repeat my name ten times before anyone can get it#then they STILL mispronounce it#then listening to my roommate call her parents on speaker and listening to them tell her how much they love and support her#IT MAKES ME SO JEALOUS LIKE 😭 MY PARENTS DO NAWT SAY THE L WORD#anyway ya 😇😇 will update soon xoxo gossip girl#actually i won’t cus i’m annoyed at y’all for begging me for updates LIKE PLEEK IT TAKES TEN SECONDS TO READ THESE CHAPTERS AND HOURS 2 EDIT#ALSO CAN SOME OF YALL NOT READ IT SAYS THE TAGLIST IS CLOSED EVERYWHERE 😵💫 like i’m flattered u wanna be on it but just turn my notifs on#i hate tagging sm literallt the next 2 chapters are written but i’m too lazy to tag and annoyed at ppl asking for updates#ok that’s it#slay#i should kms#kai mail 💌
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wallowing in self pity as an after work activity.
#I also watched tv and almost fell asleep#I woke up with a bad stomachache last night which kept me awake for a little over an hour before it got better#so I didn’t sleep enough and went to work#and then received a text that my boyfriend wouldn’t be home tonight cause he’s meeting from friends#and of course I’m not invited because one of his friends is my ex I keep shit taking about (rightfully I might add)#saw him for like one minute after his work before he left again#I’m really fucking sad rn still because as I told some friends#one of my Guinea pigs died just yesterday#and I’m tired and#I’m hungry#and yes my boyfriend offered to bring me food but I don’t even know when he will be back and he’s probably going to bring cake which isn’t#real dinner food anyway#my stuff#give it half an hour and I’ll be better I hope#maybe she least good enough to make myself something to eat#at least my cat his here he always comes when I’m crying#edit: I think the part about tonight that hurts the most is being invited but not being invited#one of the boys sent a message to the group chat if anyone wanted to join#and idk if all of them know#but my bf knows I won’t go anywhere near my ex#even though I haven’t seen one of the other friends there in a awhile and wouldn’t loved to see him#so it’s like#being invited#but not really#cause I can’t go there#I’d feel sick#I already do feel sick knowing he talks to this despicable piece of shit
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youtube
#there is a Severe lack of gif sets for Dermot Kennedy music videos on this site#come ON tumblr this used to be The Place To Go for gifsets! what happened!#like for real am i not looking well enough or is it really a wasteland out there in those tags#for such popular music i am shocked i cannot find one (1) gifset for this video#got me out here posting the link to the video like a fool#i should get back into learning to make gifs but oh boy it is time consuming and i don’t have the time!!#anyways. wow dredging up old reblogs /And/ posting music videos?? i’m being Extra annoying on the dash tonite#it’s a bad night okay gimme a break. let me be cringe#anyways anyways. rewatching this & crying for the millionth time again for no particular reason :)))#there are many reasons that Dermot has been my most listened-to artist for 3 of the last 4 years#many many many reasons. many beautiful songs. but this video alone is enough reason honestly#one of the most important things to me of all time. on the list of stuff too impactful for casual consumption#it always gives me motivation to keep pushing and fighting for myself#the song alone is great but the video frames it in such a light that just.. means a whole lot to me#hence me being extra Extra™️ and posting the video instead of my usual just rambling abt lyrics and stuff#dermot kennedy#Power Over Me#music stuff#video#Seven’s Favorites#Youtube
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Haha don’t pay me any mind oho
#vent#ok. so#I was! fine for the most part today! but then! idk what happened!#I’m like sad now! depressed? like. I kinda don’t feel real#I think I was giving myself anxiety over thoughts. got really clammy. literally shoveled goldfish crackers into my face#now don’t judge me but#I’ve been looking at things that make me feel bad for like. at least 4 hours now haha..#I dunno man it’s the adhd I got one thought about thing that made me upset and now I’m hours in and my emotions are fried#and. shh don’t tell anyone I feel things but I know have a fantasy of someone I can cry around#whehe how pathetic is that. scraping the bottom of the barrel here looking for another human just let me cry @ you#hmm. how did I go from thinking up poems for valentines only to. feel so cold and alone#I’m not crying. but. I definitely need to later haha maybe this all kickstarted from my two whole hours of sleep last night 😎#mhm so uh. if your reading this with the most cold unfeeling monotone voice then you are exceptionally accurate!i am currently not all here#can’t sleep now tho gotta. do other shit I guess#I’m laying in bed for a second though. my legs were very cold to the touch. unfeeling unhuman#oh and I might be balding potentially but that’s still just a theory. my dad noticed and pointed it out#haha what would I be withought my hair? another germ just populating this Earth?#oho ahh. hm. I’m just a trying to say I don’t fell right now if that makes sense. anyways
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this professor trying to be reassuring in office hours like “yeah if you can’t pass this assignment you have to retake the class, but that’s never happened before, we haven’t had anybody fail yet” and i’m like ohhh cool so what you’re saying is not only am i going to fail the class, i’m going to be the first one to ever do it! awesome. cool man.
#cannot help but think i would never have to cry and throw up and kill myself over a class again if i just dropped out!#but i’m already several several thousand dollars into this hole and i don’t make what i want to be making at my job so. i’m stuck here!
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#ignore me I’m just venting here bc I have nowhere else to vent#but idk what’s wrong with me#these days#every little thing seems to make me have an emotional meltdown#like every tiny thing sets me off#I’ve always kind of been like this but never this bad#and I had gotten so much better these past one or two years#but this month especially I’m just lashing out and crying and screamign at everything and everyone#over the smallest things#and if one little tiny thing doesn’t go my way I have a meltdown#like in the sense that if I have a certain order of doing things#and something gets messed up or affects the order#i literally break down#and it’s insane bc I’m 23 years old#and then I need to have someone reassuring me#and I just don’t know what’s wrong with me#like I can literally feel the emotions coming on and yet I can’t stop myself from lashing out#and then I regret it so much#by lashing out I mean I start screaming and having a meltdown btw in case y’all thought I’m out here attacked people physically 😭😂#which obv I’m not#but I’ve always low-key prided myself in being able to self reflect and realise my own flaws and when I’ve done something wrong#and this is an ongoing problem with me and idk what’s up#at first I thought it was my period but this is continuous even when I’m not on my period#like idk what’s wrong with me#I’ll worry about something and I’ll stress over it and cry about it like I’m having some sort of breakdown#and if I told you what I was stressing over y’all would laugh and be like wtf who stresses over that#WHICH IS TRUE#but I feel so overwhelmed and like I’m this close to just losing it#and by losing it idk what I mean… like literally just feel like screaming and screaming#like my emotions are all over the place
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