I am really tired. Today was really grey out and it made me so sleepy. And now I really need to get up and wash my face. Maybe even take a shower!! But I am so tired. Lets try to get through this first and then see what happens.

I didnt sleep to bad last night. But James's alarm woke me up way to early and I wanted to not be awake but I couldnt fall back asleep and I was sad about it. 

I did get up at 8 and felt. Fine. I wasnt thrilled. James made me a sandwich but when I ate it when I got to work, the egg was runny inside and got literally all over my shirt and I was so sad about that. But while I was able to clean it up mostly. I still felt bad about it. Though everyone kept asking me why I was dressed so fancy. But really it was all an illusion because I had nice earrings on. Hot tip: wear fancy hoops, everyone will think you tried. 

And today was still a nice day. The museum this morning was nice. The group was a little late, but it was the same school from yesterday and they were still so sweet. Talking to my coworkers we all came to the conclusion that when kids are quiet and stuff it really means they are happy in their classes and at school. Im not exactly writing this correctly but they were really good kids. 

I told one of my coworkers about this blog today. She gave me a high five like the adorable dork she is. And it was nice talking to someone about the benefits of writing down your day. It is healing.

Once we were done with the cannery I headed out. I went to taco bell. I enjoyed my podcast. And then I went to the school.

Marcus was there all ready and we worked through the project for the day. He set up all the paper mache and I started hanging things on the wall. Just making the room look not so boring. Im very pleased.

And today was nice. It was rainy so recess was inside. But we still had a nice day. 

The kids were nice and we made a huge mess but it was still fun. But my jaw started hurting and I wanted to go home. So once we were finished cleaning and everyone was picked up I headed out.

I wanted to go to the pet store to try to get more frog foods. But I was very upset with them. They were treating their tanks and the woman was weird about it. And then didnt know what the frogs ate. And was like. worms are fine. And Im like no the pamphlet that is in my hand I got from your rack says that isnt true!!! pellets!!! and then she said that was to fancy for their store. Maam i bought this frog here. What are you talking about.

So I was upset and weirded out. I got some sinking pellets but like. Come on. 

I was happy to be home. And James was back from his first day at his new position at Access Art not soon after I got back. He seemed to have a good day. And Im just so proud of him. 

I sat in the kitchen with him while we made dinner. I worked on a commission and got sleeply. But now I really would like to shower and get some sleep. Tomorrow I have the morning off and then class with my children. And then a four day weekend with Jess visiting. What an excellent week. 

I hope you all have a nice night tonight. Sleep good. Stay safe!!

Soulmate!Jimin

Park Jimin; fluff

Happy late birthday Jimin! We love you! 

Word count: 1769

Alright yall welcome to my first official bullet scenario

Let’s see how this goes

Ok anyways

It’s Jimin’s birthday and I wanna do something special for him

I hope he gets better,, i know it isn’t serious but still

And the whole soulmate AU is something i love wholeheartedly and i want to write one

Let’s get it (imagine jungkook saying that)

So Jimin’s a junior in college

Jimin is pretty well known on campus for his dancing and although he isn’t as outgoing or social as Taehyung or Jungkook, he still is pretty popular

Mainly because he’s hot but

So being a junior, he basically knows most of the “secrets” on campus

Like where to hang out, study, eat breakfast, you name it and he’ll tell you

Oh yeah he’s such a sweetheart

Will walk you to where you need to go if it’s dark out

Carries your books if you look like you’re about to drop them

The whole “prince charming” deal, it’s understandable if hordes of girls chase after him

Who wouldnt, right?

Welp with the creation of the Soulmate System, it sorta gets rid of the idea of unnecessary crushes

Which seems sad BUT it reduces heartbreak and all the sad stuff that comes from failed relationships

So the way it works is that everyone has a black rectangle on the inside of their left wrist

And everytime they speak to their soulmate, the rectangle gets lighter and lighter until you can read the name

Of course there are flaws and your soulmate might have a different person on their wrist or you just never end up meeting them

But we aren’t gonna talk about that, this is going to be a happy one!!

Back to Jimin

As i was saying, he always knows what places to hit up

And of course, the only way to know this is if he goes there himself

One day, he finished his last class of the day and stepped outside only to get hit with a strong gust of wind and a sudden chill

Its F A L L

Which means cafes!! Warm drinks!! Sweaters!!

Once he composes himself and fixes his hair, he starts wandering through the city surrounding his college

After drifting from place to place, he finally spots a small coffee shop that’s hidden by a fancy department store

Like it’s literally right next to the store but it’s so minimalistic that you just dont really notice it

But he does!!

So he goes in and he’s just met with warmth and soft piano melodies coming from above and the smell of something sweet in the oven and he just melts

This is exactly what he needs

Walking up to the counter, he looks at the menu and decides to get something simple

Because if this place cant make a good cappuccino then it fails in his eyes

Speaking of eyes

As he was collecting his change from the cashier, you just happened to walk in for your shift

And boy did his heart do a weird thing in his chest and he just couldnt take his eyes off of you

Honestly you were just in your uniform (white button down, navy apron, dark pants, hair up) and not in the best of moods because you may or may not have forgotten to turn on the alarm and was late for your first class

Always double check your alarms friends

Basically you were just not looking your best at the moment

But did Jimin think that?

N O PE

The poor boy almost left his wallet at the counter because he just couldnt stop looking at you

Although that may sound creepy at first, it was more of a ‘who is this angel in front of me’ stare with eyes bright and shining to the point where it was just endearing

That didnt stop the person behind him from coughing and letting him know that there is a full line right behind him ohmygod jimIN MOVE

You, on the other hand, didn’t notice a thing and went to your station where you made drinks and call out people’s names and all that jazz

He picked a seat near the back of the cafe after he ordered, where he had a view of everything

And by everything, i mean you

“She’s so pretty wow i want to talk to her but what if she thinks im weird??? What would i even say? How would i eve-”

“Jimin? Your order is ready”

“Ohmygod she said my name what do i do??”

“Jimin? Is there a Jimin here?”

“Ye-Yes!”

His voice cracks and he feels his face heat up

Gone is the charming and confident Jimin

Hello to the shy and clumsy Jimin

The poor boy almost spills his drink because he’s nervous and his voice already cracked and you’re giggling

Bless your soul for trying to hide it behind your hand and spare him the embarrassment

But you laughing isn’t helping because now he’s even more red and thinking ‘wow your laugh is so cute can you literally get any more adorable’

“Does coffee make you this nervous?”

“No, it’s the cute girl giving it to me”

He’s thankful that he didn’t embarrass himself anymore and somewhat recovered

Because now you’re the blushing one (he’s still a little pink from before but he decided he enjoys seeing you flustered more than anything)

Eventually he had to leave because wow it’s late and he still has homework to do

So he sadly walks out, taking a glance at where you were working but you were busy with another customer so you didn’t see him look at you

BUT he comes back almost everyday just to see you

It does a number on his wallet but hey, who needs money when you’re in college, right?

I’m kidding being a college kid is so expensive ohmygod

Everytime he comes by, he always tries to make you blush or laugh

Maybe at the same time

He just wants to get to know you better because you’re a really sweet person and he has this urge to hold your hand or hug you or kiss you but he pushes it down

At the same time, the mark on the inside of his wrist has been getting lighter and lighter

He can faintly make out the name hidden and he oh so desperately wants it to be you

You, on the other hand, could read the name on your wrist

Guess what?

It says Jimin!

You were so happy the day you found out

And when you saw him the next day you were just !!!!!!!

But he didn’t say anything about it.. Not even a small hint to let you know he knew

So you were confused

Did he just not like you in that way?

Or even worse

What if you weren’t his soulmate?

You confided in your best friend once you got back home after seeing him

“He didn’t even mention the mark? What if it isn’t my name?”

“Does he know your name?”

“..I think he does?”

“Wait how are you not sure??? Haven’t you guys been talking for a month now?”

A few days passed and Jimin still doesnt know your name

But his wrist says ‘Y/N’ and he can’t remember anyone with that name

So he decides that today is the day he’ll ask you for your name

Because he’s also worried that he isnt your soulmate

You knew his name already, and if he was destined to be yours why hadn’t you told him?

Did you not like him?

He kept stressing over it for hours on end and his roommate finally told him to go out and ask

Although it was just to stop Jimin from pacing around their shared dorm and making his roommate dizzy from all his sudden movements

And being Jimin, he dresses up and styles his hair

To be honest, if you hadn’t already fallen for him then you definitely did when he walked through the doors

“If your man taking you out on a date, he looks hOT”

“Jackson shut up i swear i’m going to spill hot coffee on yo- hi Jimin!”

It all goes according to plan at first

He hasn’t embarrassed himself or had his voice crack

He goes and waits near you, and since there weren’t many customers you could talk to him without having another cranky customer yell at you

looking at you, old man who came in and ordered hot water. who even does that what it wrong with you

You were still a little upset that he hadn’t mentioned anything about his mark

But you acted as if nothing was wrong

So when he just says “What’s your name?” without even saying hi, your heart sort of knew what was going to happen before you did

It started beating faster and a smile was threatening to show but before you did anything dumb, you answered

“y/n… why?”

And he gives the brightest smile, like the Sun can fight me because Jimin’s smile outshines it in this very moment

“Because I think you’re meant to be mine”

Cue the various aww’s coming from your coworkers and that sweet old couple who’s been shipping the both of you ever since Jimin brought you a lily he saw on his way that ‘reminded him of you’

Jackson also starts screaming a little and jumping because finally you two pieced it altogether

Jackson knew ever since you asked him about your whole dilemma because once you took a sick day and he ended up talking to Jimin

And coincidentally saw Jimin’s wrist and went :D

But he couldn’t say anything because he wanted the both of you to reach that conclusion on your own

Still, it was really obvious that there was something there

Back to Jimin and you,,

As soon as he said that you ran around the counter and tackled him in a huge hug

Jimin didn’t see that coming but he caught you in time and he sort of stumbled back but who cares because ohmygod he finally gets to hug you

This is all he’s been dreaming of

He feels so warm and soft and smells a little like peppermint and you can hear his heart beating just as fast and yours and his whole body is shaking with laughter because he really can’t do anything other than smile and laugh

He’s hugging you tightly and everything felt right in the world

Jimin found his other half and you found yours too!

hope you enjoyed <3

Coming to terms...

When I said before that I never really thought back to our experience since it ended, i really meant not even once. Not a trip, not a day, not a feeling nothing. I dropped it all that day and i swept it to the abyss of my mind. But like I said, after our short interaction, I felt like there were unresolved remnants between us, and I wanted to close them. So I talked to a few people, I went down to the river, and I thought it through. I looked at our photos, I brought my mind back to a place i thought was dismissal, and for the first time, all these months later, I feel like Im just processing through it all. I thought after I sent you that message trying to close the gaps, things would feel closed. But this week, it's so strange. All the days we spent together are slowly coming back to me. I'm literally getting flashbacks and I walk, and go about my day. I'm in a meeting and I'm presenting, but at the same time my mind is splitting and reissuing the experience back to me. It is so strange, these once non-nostalgic experiences are suddenly feeling like their happening in real time. Times of us in the grass at the park, watching your face and thinking about whats going through your mind, the seemingly endless nights when I wouldnt let you leave my car. Pushing me up the hill in SF. All that delicious indian food i was gonna make you try. Oh and did we deep throat a banana? Haha i dont remember why we did that but gosh that was so fun. Damn...I miss you.  But at the same time, I have to recongnize that I know it was not the right time. It's hard for me to explain, but I went into my internship thinking I had a job secured. It was supposed to be May to December then convert and start full time. So for the first time, I thought I was ready to start dating. But the business unit I was in tanked, and suddendly me converting to full time was highly unlikely. It kept me up at night not having a plan. I was applying for jobs literally all over the US, and I wouldve taken one anywhere at that point, even north dakota. And with that pivot, I had people around telling me it did not make sense to date. It was more than likely I wouldn't be in Sac past December. And they were right, and I shouldnt have ever tried dating until I knew what I was doing. And that's my fault.  I still believe breaking things off was the correct thing to do, but I do regret the way I did it. I regret not being able to be there for you during your trials and tribulations, especially with your father, and I regret being a primary contributing factor to them. The experiences I had during my internship, the people i've met, the places I went, I learned so much about life and myself, and the world around me. It has changed the core of who I am, i had experiences that i will never in my life get to have again and I would never forgive myself if I didnt experience them. I shouldve explained that to you. Even if we continued things, they were bound to fall through because of this. I couldnt commit to you and be fully in it. I needed time and space but it wouldnt have been fair to make you wait for an uncertain future. I remember starting to feel torn while we were together because I felt like before me was this opportunity to push the boundaries of my being and revolutinize who I was as a person by throwing myself whole heartedly into the experience of being 600miles from home, and living everyday I had here like it was my last. This was the last mile before I finished school and would pivot to adulthood. Was I ready to date? I begin to question myself. But at the same time I had someone that I felt for like I never felt for anyone before, and had the opportunity to throw myself whole heartedly into as well. I talked to everyone around me about this, everyone but you, and that was a huge mistkae. I wasnt transparent. Everyone reminded me of my youthful age, my coworkers obviously pushed me into their direction, and at the end of the day, I decided I couldn't be emotionally available at that time in my life. I stil feel this was the right decision. But what I did after making that decision was an absolute fuck up.  I didnt want to hurt you. I could feel your pain when I first began to bring signs out that things were going to break off, I knew exactly how you were feeling. But you were the first person i've ever really dated, so I never had to deal with this before. I've never been responsible for someones well being, and all could think of was how you trusted me with it. I didn't konw how to handle it, I tried to guide you through it initially, but like I said before, I honestly grew jealous of other things, and I came to the conclusion the best person to help you through it shouldnt be the person causing it. At the same time i honestly forgot how to function without you. I knew we needed time apart before but at the same time i didnt want to accept that. But at the same time i knew i couldn't commit. It was all mushed in my mind. We had constant chaotic fights after things broke off, and with everything that was happening around me with shcool, and work, and at my home home, I couldn't figure it out. I projected the absolute worst version of my self with handling the situation, and im so so sorry for leaving you the way I did.  I'm sure these flashbacks will pass as quick as theyre coming, but I just want you to know that I really appreciate who you are, and I was lucky to ever call you mine. Im sorry for what I did, i gave you so many reasons to despise me. I hope youre able not to just forget about it, but to forgive me. Ik everyone close to you prolly hates me, and i cant blame them. But i hope youre able to see me a neutral term again. I never thought i would ask that, i felt like my pride would always guide me. I ended up getting an offer from intel, by the grace of god of course. My internship came to an end and i took a month off to spend time with my family back in AZ before beginning the next stage of my life. This week I'm remembering your unconditoinal kind heart, all the love you had to give, your hard work and dedication to your job, school, and your family and friends. I'm thinking of ways that I can incoperate your practices of selflessness into my own life. You're a great brother, you're a great son, you're a great man. I'm sorry for what I did, I probably am attatched to negative feelings in your mind, but I hope we can good friends again one day. I'm happy that you found Hayden. I bet he is a killer guy, and one of a kind. You deserve nothing less. I'm sorry for the anger, hurt, and neurotic chaos that I inspiried. I'll cherish my experience with you forever. You're doing great in life, and youre on your way to do even greater things. I hope you dont mind if I check up on you from time to time. I do miss you, but I trust youre in good hands. If you ever need anything, you always have a friend in me. Gabe 02/2019

A Question.

I have been struggling with my anger for years. I am now 26 and it has gotten so bad I cannot talk to anyone without getting so angry and ripping them apart repeatedly in my mind. I wasnt always so angry, it started in Middle School, I wasn’t as busy nor did I have as many friends anymore. I no longer did meaningful things, I wasnt permitted to hang out with my friends or go places after school. I was limited to within view from the back porch of our row-home. 

I get why my parents did it, they loved me and didnt want me to be corrupted. But by shielding me from experiences and problems another one grew. Resentment, Rebellion, Anger, Loneliness, Depression, just a myriad of things that piled up. I didnt go to parties, I didnt hang out or create bonds, I didnt make connections or get into trouble. I was a loner, people knew me, but they didnt want to be around me. Always picked last for activities or sports despite being athletic and intelligent. In high school I was only sought out the cheat off of. After high school, I no longer had social interaction, community college was a waste of time and money, the people there either middle aged or just looking for sex. 

Im not boring you with all this nonsense for no reason I promise, I dont even expect anyone to read this. If you do I apologize for wasting your time. Now 3 years into college money at home was very tight my father couldn't find work for over a year, and I wasnt paying for anything I was using, I felt guilty. So I dropped out, and let me tell you, once you do, you never want to return. So Id suggest doing it right after high school. anyway I started working a dangerous job and making some money, then we moved states. 

That was when this main problem started, frustrated, working a dead end mechanic job, barely paying my bills, helping my parents, no extra money...I had absolutely no blow off valve, masturbation didnt work, its hard for me to get to ejaculate...and if i dont, I get very angry. It started effecting my professional life, snapping and threatening my coworkers until it was taken to management. I was given a final written notice that went in my file. So at the time I was at my breaking point, fighting with family, fighting at work. I had a girl from back home contacted me, said she missed me and wanted to be with me. 

I brought her down she stayed for a week. It was amazing, we were so sexually compatible it was insane. I could release all my rage through sex, all my raw anger, my hatred, manifested itself through intense pleasure for us both. But through that it became more, the feelings blossomed, sure it may have been the illusion of love through lust, but it felt pretty real at the time. She wanted to stay but didnt want to move here and I didnt want to go back, having burned all my bridges and cut ties with family. For that week I was ok, but she left after that week and I was back to work everyday, eat, sleep. 

I had withdraw bad. It was so bad I became ill, caught the flu, ended up 20 lbs lighter from it, but severely weakened. So she came again a year later, same thing, but she pleaded and cried when I said i wouldnt go back...another year passes and I got a new job, much better paying, almost double being a mechanic. I went and got her and moved her down here. My job required traveling, all the time. So she was here for 1 month. I thought everything was fine, apparently not. evil grew between my girl and my family. I was ready to get an apartment and move in with her. Then I got sick, really sick. So sick I was having hallucinations, vomiting, passing blood. I didnt think I was going to make it. I drove home. 4 hours, seeing the dead, watching nuclear explosions, seeing soldiers run in front of the truck. It is a miracle I made it home. 

I collapsed. 2 days I was out. I woke up dry heaving, couldnt eat or drink. figured Id rest and it would go away. a week passed, I got worse,another week passed and I hadnt eaten in a month, I was barely drinking any water. my body was eating itself to stay alive, I lost all my muscles, I was weak and frail. I finally went to the ER. 

They said they didnt know what was wrong, took blood, then said my bill was $800.

I left furious, dizzy and reeling. 2 days later I could barely move, so I went back, They no said I had mononucleosis, the kissing disease. said I need to rest and drink fluids. I demanded to know how I was to drink when I just vomit it back up. They didnt care, just want me to pay $2,000 and leave. I went home and slept. 2 days later, I wake up and something is very wrong, my vision is off, I cant balance myself anymore, Im gasping for breath, my sides are killing me, pain I never thought possible is attacking me. Im in and out of consciousness, I make it to the ER, the nurse rushes me back to the doctor, he looks panicked. Everything is very slow to me, I feel tired, sleepy, I see darkness at the edges of my vision..

I am in a room on a bed/chair, I am having an I/V administered, my father is there, his face is white, I wonder if Im going to die, the nurse returns, her hands are shaking, she plunges it into my arm, it hurts, its a large needle, I watch at the fluid is released to come into me. I see 5 large air bubbles come down and enter my body.

Fear. Extreme fear I have never felt grips me, I look at her and say “you have just killed me” I look at my father to say goodbye. Im gone. 

I am in a kaleidoscope, fans spinning, cows grazing. Imagine a  kaleidoscope spinning endlessly, clowns, kids, school, cars, helicopters, sex, death, explosions, bullies from the past. its gone. Im in space, I see the milky way, I see planets, the sun, stars, comets...I am back at the  kaleidoscope, I see my family and everyone I ever cared about. they are leaving...

I am slapped hard in the face, the nurse is screaming my name, I open my eyes, my legs are in the air, I have death grips on the bed railings. I cant feel my body, I cant feel anything, Im breathing so fast, the nurse is rubbing my head cooing me. My hands slowly regain feeling, my legs start to lower then stop, they are cramped and i cant move them. my arms and hands are cramped into position...

Some time later I am in a bed in the dark. Pain so impossible is coursing through me. I cant move, I cant speak. My whole body is failing, I am told by the RN I have Mononucleosis, and hepatitis. My kidneys, liver, pancreas, and gall bladder have all shut down. I am told if I had waited even a few more hours before coming in Id be dead. To this I laugh and say “you stupid motherfuckers sent me home twice.” The RN looks around nervously and says ‘I dont know anything about that, but id appreciate you not using that language’  For thefirt time in a month I laugh and say “Im almost dead and you care about cussing?”

After all the nonsense is over I need to piss from the I/V. I shuffle into the bathroom. And look into the mirror. I see a face that isnt me. Its an old mans face, worn, sunken, dark rings in the eyes and cheeks. And my eyes, they are smaller and a dark yellow. I looked like a literal corpse. 

So fast forward, Im in the hospital, they cant find out what is wrong with me, They say its all kinds of different things. I get a CT scan, then a full CAT Scan. Nothing. They do an ultrasound...nothing. after 2 weeks my rage meter breaks. I call for the doctor, he insists they are close to finding the problem. I ask him what my current bill is. $30,000. wow. Im done, I get my shit and walk out. They ask for a payment, I laugh and leave.

Sorry to get off track. But during this time my family got to my girl and she leaves. Im alone again. I found out I got sick because of either her, or drinking dirty water...I stay with my job a while longer until I am fred, now I am back as a mechanic.

So in conclusion, my anger is worse then ever but I dont talk to anyone about it, I dont hurt anyone. I just have no relief from it. I hate everything and myself...Any advice?