hey for the ask game! 4, 8 and 17?

ahhhh thank you anon! sorry i took so long to answer, work has been kicking my butt!

4. Do you prefer writing multi-chapter or oneshot fanfictions?

generally, i prefer writing one shots! but sometimes there’s an idea that just works better as a multi-chapter, and from a writers perspective im trying to get better at pacing and multi-chapters and all that:) but yeah, all in all i do prefer one shots and i love sitting down and working on a single, long fic that i get to share when it’s done!

8. What kind of document do you use to you write? Microsoft Word? Google Docs? Straight in the AO3 text box?

i write in google docs and revise on grammarly!

17. Are there any writers and/or stories that you consider an influence?

it may be basic, but i am a lover of Jane Austen. i am a romance girlie at heart and i love her books and so i think, however poorly, i like to try and capture her romanticism sometimes. i think im also very influenced by just reading a lot of romance and in general. books and stories that ive also found really influential (and just generally love) are ‘This Is How You Lose the Time War’ by Amal El- Mohtar and Max Gladstone, ‘If We Were Villains’ by M.L. Rio and the ‘Umbrella Academy’ series by Gerard Way and Gabriel Bá! in terms of fanfiction, well, i think im inspired and take something away from almost every fic i read, but am especially so, so inspired and influenced by some of the amazing writers that the dinluke/star wars fandom has to offer! off the top of my head @sadiebwrites @leorizanzel and @skywalker-swift are some absolutely fantastic authors whose works always blow me away by and i just admire all of their writings so much! im also inspired a lot by one of my irl friends i have on here @copiasjuicebox! the original works of theirs that ive been privileged to read are so rich and well written that they always make me wanna learn more and be better! (i have to just add on to the end here as a bonus- there is one fic in general that ive been inspired and influenced by like no other. im not joking, this fic rewired my brain and i think about it daily. i think you can certainly see it in my writing too, like, it made me want to keep writing fics when i thought about quitting. ive never talked about it because it’s not dinluke, but the fic is ‘Cooperative Gameplay’ by grayola on ao3. a phenomenal fanfiction.)

anyways!!! this has gotten long, haha! thank you again for the asks anon!!

fanfic writer asks

Jul Tambor’s single-minded goal of killing Darth Vader seems to be another of his many spoiled failgrandson delusions, but upon closer inspection, Jul has gotten himself into a situation where trying to kill Darth Vader is legitimately the best way forward. Jul has inherited Grandpa Wat’s ability to assess a situation and choose the most deranged self-destructive course of action, and it’s fascinating to see him try to apply this utterly atrocious ability to good.

From the perspective of the rest of the galaxy, Jul Tambor has spent the last 6 years yelling at gangsters: “I’m Jul Tambor! Grandson of Wat Tambor! I’m RICH AS FUCK and INCREDIBLY STUPID. My obsession with buying giant piles of garbage is frankly concerning! Find me in the Skako system.”

I think most people’s reaction to that would be along the lines of, “How far the Tambors have fallen. Jul has gone insane. I hope roleplaying commerce makes him feel better. At least I have someone I can unload tons of useless trash on.”

Those too smart for their own good would think, “Wait. He’s a Tambor. He’s Techno Union. There’s got to be something he knows that we don’t. I’ll buy the same garbage he buys in case it’s secretly valuable.” But inevitably the massive speculation bubbles that arise whenever Jul buys 50 thousand recalled air fryers burst when it’s revealed he is in fact buying literal garbage. Not to mention everyone who suddenly finds themselves priced out whenever Jul Tambor rolls through like the Mansa Musa of trash.

But imagine you and your supporters got exiled to a death world and everyone is just waiting for you all to suffocate and go extinct. It’s illegal to buy breathing equipment. So you buy tons of completely unrelated scrap instead and process it into breathing equipment.

You need to defend them, but if you buy weapons, the Empire will immediately notice and wipe you out. So instead you buy more garbage and scavenge battlefields for old droids and straight up steal new droids.

Jul managed to piss off so many criminal organisations that the Empire had mistaken them for an intentional blockade when they all gathered in the Skako system to kick his ass. Not only are they all trying to kill him, they discovered and are attacking his supporters. 

No wonder the Droid Crush Pirates have it out for him in particular. They have been fighting Darth Vader, Jul has been scavenging droids specifically killed by Darth Vader, so from their perspective, Jul has been kidnapping and brainwashing them.

Sabé’s belief that Jul must be stopped because if he attacks Vader, he will die and Vader will massacre his supporters in retaliation, is rooted in her own past experiences where she and her supporters had the privilege of walking away alive. Let’s examine Jul’s options:

As long as the Empire is in power, they will back the current ruling council of Skako. As long as the council remains in power, we are stranded on Brentaal IV. As long as we are stranded on Brentaal IV, we need to buy garbage to survive. A long as I buy garbage, pirates will try to kill me. Also Darth Vader is here.

Option 1: Retake Skako

If we win, the Empire will return to kill us again. X

If we lose, we die on the council’s orders. X

Everyone dies no matter what

Option 2: Do nothing

Pirates kill us. X

Everyone dies no matter what

Option 3: Lasting peace with pirates

If I succeed, I can’t buy scrap anymore so everyone will suffocate. X

If I fail, pirates kill us. X

Everyone dies no matter what

Option 4: Escape the system

If we succeed, we will have the same problems somewhere else. X

If we fail, pirates kill us. X

Everyone dies no matter what

Option 5: Kill Darth Vader

If I succeed, Imperial control of Skako will be weak enough for us to defy the council and go home.

If I fail, Darth Vader kills us. X

Fuck it we ball!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Judging by past trends, (Effortless destruction of the Amidalans, effortless destruction of Droid Crush, Ochi’s there, mild annoyance from IG-88, temporary distraction by Palpatine’s aides, severe emotional damage from Padme’s handmaidens, being obliterated and nearly dying from Governor Tauntaza who escapes unharmed), Vader is taking greater and greater Ls for each new enemy he faces.  Additionally, he has gone from at least cursorily supporting the Empire to killing officers on a whim and completely ignoring his official missions to continue his midlife crisis. I don’t think he’s killed a single formal member of the Rebellion in this entire comic series. At the very least, good job everyone for wasting his time, even if none of you could kill him ! Here’s what I think is going to happen:

Because he inherited Grandpa Wat’s self-preservation instincts, Jul will die horribly, but in such a way that achieves all of his other objectives. Like before he dies, he calls all the pirates and says,

“Hey guys. I got raided by the Empire and all of my

27 TRILLION TECHNO UNION CREDITS

are being held in the Skako Minor Imperial garrison. You can stop trying to kill me now. The Empire’s sending in some ships to retrieve

27 TRILLION TECHNO UNION CREDITS 

soon. Even if you catch me, I got nothing left for you. Peace!”

Whether Jul is incompetent enough to get robbed by the Empire or he’s a genius for lying is irrelevant, because this spurs the pirates into attacking the Imperial garrison. Killing Jul does nothing to stop them. He was never their commander. The pirates and the Empire annihilate each other over vast fortunes that may or may not exist.

In the resulting chaos, the Skakoans on Brentaal IV escape and the council gets overthrown. Vader’s like, “Man fuck this place. Maybe Tarkin was right about the Death Star.” and then leaves because he entirely stopped caring about the Empire’s interests.

Full article below.

Spiral is now available on 4K UHD, Blu-ray, DVD, and digitally. The Saw spin-off stars Chris Rock, Samuel L. Jackson, and Max Minghella in the lead roles and is directed by Saw II-IV director Darren Lynn Bousman in his return to helming the horror series. While it exists in the Saw universe, it’s very much its own thing and provides a fresh experience.

ComingSoon Editor-in-Chief Tyler Treese spoke with Spiral star Max Minghella about the film, a possible sequel, his relationship with the Saw franchise, and much more.

Tyler Treese: I really liked Spiral and it’s this great mix of genres as you’ve got the Saw-type horror and the torture scenes, but the first half of the film is very much kind of like a buddy cop movie. Can you speak to that interesting blend of genre that we have?

Max Minghella: I was very excited when I started to realize that that’s the direction the movie was going to go in. I love buddy cop movies. I really miss movies like that. I had been craving it as a movie fan, so I was really relieved by that. And then I thought that the needle thread of the Saw franchise and the identity of that franchise into this other story was so brilliantly handled in very kind of successful, you know what I mean on the page. I can really see how this works and is very much the movie I’d go and see even if I had nothing to do with it.

You couldn’t get a better buddy cop partner than Chris Rock. He just has so much natural charisma. He’s so funny in the first 30 minutes of the film. Can you talk about your chemistry on set and how it was getting to have him as your buddy cop?

Yeah, I mean, it’s an insane privilege and he’s just somebody I love so much in every way. I love him as a actor performer. I loved him as a filmmaker and it was really fun just getting to have meaningful time with somebody you look up to so much and see how they work and pick their brain. I’m sure Chris got very bored of me badgering him with questions all the time, but I had such a good time getting to work with him. We really had fun together.

Before signing onto Spiral, were you a big fan of the Saw franchise, and what was it like coming into such an established series? It just crossed the billion dollar mark. What are the expectations of coming into a series like that?

I think it’s the first franchise thing I’ve done. I love franchises just in general. I love the concept of them. I love how they exist in film culture. I like the challenges of having to keep them alive and what’s about them and it really appeals to me. So that was just exciting, just fundamentally to be a part of a franchise, like you said, and sort of take on that responsibility, I suppose. I also love so much about the DNA of Saw movies, so I love the kind of whodunnit element of them. I love how sort of visceral it is an experience for an audience, especially when you’re watching it. It’s so fun to watch these movies with people. To answer your question about my familiarity with the franchise. I had seen several of them, but the one I’ve always loved, and I think I owned on DVD like way before being involved in this, was Saw II. I love Saw II. I’m a big twist guy, like a big twist fan, and that movie has got a great twist.

Spiral saw the return of Darren Lynn Bousman as the director. How exciting was it to get to work with him? He has helmed so many great Saw films in the past and now he gets to reinvent it here with you and Chris Rock onboard.

Yeah. It was great to have Darren back. He was such a smart choice. To have somebody who was one of the architects of the Saw aesthetic, which is a very specific aesthetic. I don’t think any other movies share this sort of visual technique. So there’s a lovely, I mean, I think the movie is a great blend of the old guard and then the new kids, you know, Chris [Rock] and Sam [Jackson] and Marisol [Nichols], myself, we’re all completely new to the franchise, but then almost everybody else involved has been there for a minute and it’s like a family, you know what I mean? It really does feel very kind of an intimate group of people and very familiar.

You grew up around movies, you’ve gotten to work with so many incredible actors, so I’m sure it’s not super often where you’re like, “Wow, I can’t believe I’m with this guy,” but Samuel L. Jackson. If that’s ever going to happen, it’s probably him. How cool was it getting to work with a legend like him and cross that off your bucket list?

It’s pretty cool and unexpected. This movie was sort of almost always a pinch yourself kind of job, to be honest. There’s very few days on set where I wasn’t like, I can’t believe I’m going to [do this]. Sam Jackson is truly one of the great actors of all time, it’s a pretty ridiculous situation to be in.

One thing I really like about your character is that he has these very valid grievances about police corruption and that’s a true-to-life issue. Spiral spotlights it, but it’s a very real issue and very timely for the society that we’re in. Did having that interesting backstory for the character really help you dive into playing this role?

I love when you have compassion for a villain. I think it’s so much more compelling than when they are impossible to relate to. So that was really important to me that when he said things. It was his own sort of mad logic to him, obviously the way that he goes about practicing his beliefs is completely wrong, but there’s something there sort of relatable I think to what he’s saying. That’s much more interesting always.

We see that in the original series with Jigsaw and Saw always had some social commentary and some interesting morality questions. Can you speak to Spiral also bringing those philosophical elements and how the series has stayed really interesting? It would have been so easy to just be leaning into just the gore element, but instead, you keep that philosophy and having the moral ambiguity.

Like you said, man, it’s so essential to the DNA of these movies. There’s John Kramer and he always had some interesting perspective on things and reasons for doing things. I think it’s essential that that sort of stays in it, even though Spiral is obviously a very different direction. I think for these movies it is its own story and its kind of its own sort of journey in a way, but there are certain things you don’t want to lose and that’s one of them. You want a compelling villain and I think compelling villains aren’t just being idiots with their point of view.

There’s not many people that can say they fought Chris Rock in a fistfight. How fun was that final fight sequence in the film, and you got the punch Chris Rock! How cool is that?

Again, man, it was all so much fun. Everything was so much fun. I just felt like a kid on the playground. It was crazy. I mean all of it’s like the stuff you sort of dream about doing as a kid. I think there’s a line in the movie where, “I started dreaming about this since I was 12 years old,” and I felt that was pretty resonant for me because I really have. I grew up with a Beverly Hills Cop poster above my bed since as long as I’ve been a conscious person. I really like movies like this where the genre movies have real stakes, but have a sense of humor and aren’t pretentious. It’s very specific to what I want to go and see.

Before we get the big reveal of yourself as the villain, we see the villain in a pig mask a lot. Was it actually you wearing the mask in those scenes?

That’s funny, man. You’re the second person to ask me that question. Yes, not always. I mean it depends on what we’re doing. But absolutely. As long as it’s not some big dangerous stunt.

There are some gruesome and really clever traps in Spiral. Did any of those stick out as a particular favorite for you and what was it like getting to see how they’re actually, with the movie magic and all that, how they’re actually concocted?

It’s dope, so cool. It’s really fun. The subway trap is my favorite. I feel it was really brilliant way into the movie, so cinematic, and that set was crazy sort of built that station. That was so cool. I felt like going to Universal’s studio tour thing. That was how I felt.

Saw fans are very passionate. How’s the reception been? You talked about this being your first franchise, how cool was it to enter that fandom?

I’ve got to say, I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t anxious before the film was released. Obviously I felt a huge amount of responsibility to the fans of these movies and didn’t want them to feel let down by the performance. I’ve been so like grateful and moved by how kind of nice that community is. I mean, nice is maybe a weak word to use, but they’re really supportive. They love these movies. They’ve been really supportive of the movie and supportive of us, the new actors, and I’m very relieved and it means a lot.

With the way the film ends, there’s obviously some unfinished business between yourself and Chris Rock’s character. Would you be interested in returning for a sequel?

For sure, if there was an appetite for us to come back. I think we both love to do another one. But we did this without any expectations of anything beyond. I think it’s a very unusual ending and also very unique and exciting one. I haven’t seen something that sort of ends with such a pronounced cliffhanger. So I’m certainly curious to know what’s gonna happen.

For your other projects, you’ve got Babylon coming up, which has just the most incredible star-studded cast. It even has Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I know. That’s cool, right?

It’s really cool. I believe filming starts on that soon. How thrilled are you to just get to work with so many talented actors on one set?

Yeah, man. Amazing. I’m a huge fan of Damien Chazelle and he’s sort of one of my sort of heroes. So I’m really looking forward to getting to be on set with him and see how he works. All of this is sort of like an education, you’re really just trying to work with people you can learn from and hopefully, we’ll make it better. I can’t think of a group of people to be around that’s more talented.

We spoke about passionate fans earlier. The Handmaid’s Tale has so many passionate watchers and Season 4 had a really shocking ending. What are you looking forward to the most in Season 5?

Season 4 is, by some pretty wide margin, my favorite season we’ve shot. I really loved the season. It’s funny because it’s an ensemble show, and as a result,I don’t know what everyone else is doing. I’m not there on set when everyone else is shooting that stuff. I play a pretty small part in the show, so when it comes out, I get to watch it like an audience member and go along for the ride. I just had such an amazing time watching it this year. I was so proud of everybody in the cast and crew. It was tough circumstances, as you can imagine, shooting during a pandemic and especially Elisabeth Moss just was incredible this year, really just took care of everyone and for it to come out as strong as it was, was really amazing. I never thought I’d be so excited to go into Season 5 of a TV show, but I get more and more excited every year as we get further into it and it just keeps staying so strong. It’s amazing. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be on a show that is that good.

It’s kind of rare to see a show building on its quality over time. Usually it peaks in Season 2 or 3, but like you said, Season 4 is the best one yet. It was very exciting as a fan to see how it’s going to continue.

Thank you. It’s amazing and that people are still watching a show and sticking with us. We are all so conscious. It’s sort of pathetic actually, whenever The Handmaid’s Tale cast talk about anything, we’re just all so conscious of how singular this experience is and how we can’t take it for granted. I think stuff like this comes along very, very rarely, and when you’re lucky enough to be a part of something that you like so much and other people seem to like.

Over the past five years, we’ve seen you find success as a screenwriter and a director as well. Working behind the camera and looking at the scenes from that different perspective, does that help your acting as well?

That’s a good question. I dunno. I don’t know if I can do anything about my acting talents, but it comes from a very simple place, man, because I just love movies so much. Just the fact that I don’t really know about anything else. Like if you asked me about where any country is on a map, I would have no idea, but I’m okay with movies. Like I kind of know movies and, and so I get impatient. I’m a bit of a workaholic and I just want to do whatever I can. So it would be on set. So we get to engage creatively and I can do it a little bit. It’s really different. Well, what I think is interesting about it is often have a day where I have to have a call maybe as a producer and then a call as a writer, then a call as a director, then a call as an actor, and each conversation I’m treated quite differently or my job is so different. Switching those hats is I think quite good and keeps you in check and keeps your feet on the ground and keeps you hungry and all that stuff. So I feel very lucky I get to do different things.

When you were growing up, one of your goals was to be a music video director. Is that something that you still want to wind up doing down the line?

I got to make a movie that I think exorcised a lot of those demons. So I have to be honest, I have less of a burning desire to sort of work in that space because I felt like I got to sort of express that part of me a little bit. That said, I love music videos. It’s one of my favorite mediums. The tricky thing, and I’m sure most people would tell you this, is that music videos have very, very limited budgets. When I was a kid, this was the year of like Francis Lawrence and Hype Williams where people were getting like $4 or $5 million to make these two-minute clips. Now when I’m sent music video stuff, it’s like the budgets are very, very limited. So you really have to be passionate about it because you’re basically going to have to spend money to make it. So to answer your question I would love to do some music videos, but I think there has to be things that I was really, really married to.

In the past decade and some change we’ve seen superhero films become all the rage. Would you be interested in those types of projects and are there any comic characters that appeal to your acting sensibilities?

I kind of like all kinds of movies. I don’t have a genr that I’m not into. Yeah, I’m totally open to that. I think as long as I felt useful ther., I mean, that’s totally how I approach everything. It’s not so much about the glamor of an opportunity so much as whether I think I could actually contribute something. If I can’t, I don’t think it’s helpful for me to do it, then nobody wins. But if there was a show that I felt like, oh, I could do this and maybe not sink the ship then for sure.

muslim here! honestly i genuinely have to think bioware picked the name templar on purpose, like, they had 2 kno the connotations of that name. same goes with like,, calling 3rd game Inquisition like. there's no way a team of folks picked that names randomly and didnt think about it, bioware just straight up not care tho lmao. its so uncomfy the use of the words templars/inquisition in game. ive had 2 explain it to my friends, since they aparently not learn about that part of history in school

Hello! Yeah, goodness, calling it an Inquisition, and iirc even some of the dialogues with Mother Giselle... it’s like they’re not even trying to hide it, nor do they see anything wrong with it. If I ever see a Bioware writer in person it’s on sight. I’m sorry the burden has fallen to you to educate friends :( My educational curriculum certainly did not touch on it, though I’m not sure if it’s because it was U.S centric. @stella-minerva wrote a great statement on this, but just to paraphrase a bit of what they said, that lack of perspective and ignorance becomes even more clear with regards to how some of the fandom venerate templars without applying historical context. 

Jed’s piece here if you haven’t gotten the chance to see, or if anyone is hearing about this for the first time, a good place to start.

(Disclaimer: This isn’t to really get into fandom discourse w regards to pro mage pro templar, but more to say that maybe self-proclaiming as a Templar Bootlicker isn’t very respectful to those whose religion, cultures, and ancestors were targeted or adversely affected by the group).

Additionally, when I was looking into it myself, I found that I was very untrusting of a lot of the sources that defined the Order and their history/formation. I feel the framing of the order reflects cultural bias and values that do not accurately depict the power dynamics and levels of aggression. I’m currently searching for sources outside of the White, Western, European, Catholic or Christian perspective, as I feel that will paint a truer picture of the devastation and imperialism at the hands of the Order.

Thank you for sharing your perspective, it’s absolutely valued and a poignant example of how so many in this fandom really do have the privilege of ignoring the bigotry and ignorance written into the video games they venerate.

- my dearest friend Andrew gave me his grandfathers Nikon film camera. Andrew and I barley knew each other when he gave it to me on my 20th birthday. When I was twelve I asked for a canon t3 for Christmas. I remember taking photos of flowers and the sky; where I came from. I was in love with photography. I was taking pictures of the stupidest shit, but I loved it. I don’t know, it feels really special to me that Andrew gave me something that was once used by someone else’s passions and creativity. Like, someone else’s vision. And now, it’s opened my perspective and has reminded me, just how fascinating life and this world truly is. this was one of the first pictures I ever took with it. Clearly I had no idea what I was doing. it had been a while since I touched a camera. But the reason why I picked this photo…an attempt to take a picture of myself because I felt “cute enough” or “pretty enough” to want to show that off to myself. 

this constant idea and reminder that as a woman my job is to be “pretty”

that I must be “weak” “nice” “hairless” “thin

that if I don’t smile or say hi to a stranger walking alone in the dark as they harass me I can’t “be a bitch” or tell them to “fuck off” cause they could potentially hurt me. 

- it’s not being enough or not doing enough for this scripted, money making, privilege high pedestal kind of society. 

(keep in mind I am pretty high as im writing this. I feel like I have to be fully transparent on this blog - it’s really just a very public open place to express my weird thoughts for literally anybody to see. And i’m probably gonna embrace my body on here cause I can and I really just don’t give anymore fucks.) 

i’m very over the trying to please other people thing, and not putting my self first anymore. I am very over doing what other people want over what I want and never asking myself what I want. And I guess it only took me going on 8 months in therapy to get to this point. 

There are just so many beauty standards still today, in the society we live in. Don’t get me wrong, its most definitely growing and getting better but still needs way more work. From everyone. Because it most definitely has affected me in more ways than I had wanted. 

But I am finally crashing through the glass wall.

the glass wall is my freedom, where I just stop caring anymore. I feel it coming and I am so excited to get there. I am still breaking through it but I am without question almost through it. 

I’m impatiently learning that time is valuable but it’s so important not to rush. rushing ruins the fun in actually learning as time continues. learning your mistakes, expanding your perspectives, and altering your mindset. Can you imagine what it’s like to be on the other side? Am I too angry to imagine myself in someone else’s shoes.

and most importantly asking yourself how you’re actually* doing. 

Recently i’ve been thinking about how comfortable ive gotten hanging out with myself. I’m learning so much from hanging out with myself. this pandemic has forced us to do that. Something I think we will forever be changed because of. anyways, that was one long weird train of thought attached to this film photo.

thanks for reading, - Mdb

4/9  9:49 pm

hey, another day another blog. post.

im sitting in my  new living room that i moved out to. im so grateful that i got to move out. but i guess even though as grateful as i am. i wish my fingers would move as fast as my mind. i have so many emotions i dont know what to do with it. all over again. i cut my nails and i painted it. just got off facetime with my soulmate cindy thank god for her because i would not know what to do without her. last night i dont know why but it felt like a panic attack of emotions. i had so many feelings i had to do breathing exercise in the room because i was so stressed from doing everything. everyone was asking for help. but if everyone is asking me to help then who is going to do my fucking job. but it’s fine i got to chat with her and i calm down a bunch. idk what it is about her but everytime i chat with her everything just melts away and i dont stress about anything. i really want the guy that im seeing to be that person but i dont think he can be because i dont trust him. i also reminded myself alvin got to where he is in my life he had to push really hard. i dont trust people easily. i dont let people in easily. justs because i am interested in someone that gives them a leeway into my life?.... i dont think so. it's the same for everyone. those people that i picked, i chose them for a reason and i am extremely loyal to my friends. i dont have a lot of those people and they are extremely special to me. i would do anything for them just as i know they would do anything for me. so why does this one person that i merely met in 3 months get to have all this privilege and power to. also.... i remember we arent even dating so why do you have so much power. alvin reminded me of this. we arent official but i dont mind it much. i guess i shouldnt take it so seriously.

4/10 11:37 pm listening to lindsey ray : float on.

i wanna do more journaling to document what im feeling. im about to get my period for the first time in some time. more then a year ago. im going to really hate it tbh. but whatever  it needs to happen. ernest came over today and it was a nice get together. i feel like there is alot of uncertainty. i dont know what to do with this information. i dont like it. i like knoowing things for sure. im suppose to read more but ive been lacking tbh. ive just been chatting with friends and just making sur everyone is okay during this pandemic. i see alot of people are stressing over everything. family. friends and making sure evryone is mentally okay. this staying home is taking a lot of mental toll on people. im not sure what else to write about. ive talking about my feelings alot. to everyone really since i check on people. i guess i talk alot when i am comfortable with the person. maybe a little too much. idk, im scared and i have a feeling it wont be working out with me and him. i guess thats alright right? nothing good last forever anyway. im sitting here in the bed room and the heat keeps blowing into my face. it is so anoying. LOL. maybe im meant to be single forever. OMG i got the game we are not really strangers. im so excited to play with my friends. we are gonna have such intersting conversations. ernests wants to play as well.... i wonder how does it go.

this pandemic puts alot of things into perspective. i think i realize what is more important to me. im surprised at how im living alone and im not uncomfortable or im not having anxiety. its actually really relaxing and im having a bomb ass time alone. i thought i would be really lonely. but maybe ive gotten use to being alone. after moving out like this i really wanna move out for sure by the end of this year or next year but then that also means i need to save all my money and not go on many vacation. i really want to go to cali but its gonna be in june. im not sure if i should go because of hate crime and also alot of things are closed i guess. maybe just airbnb and cook a bunch ?..... im not sure. i guess ill figure it out.

alright peeps. if you read this far you really care about my life huh LOL. more to come... see ya

Hello, #FeatureFriday friends! It’s been a while, but we’re back for an interview with Iclal Vanwesenbeeck: English professor, translator, and world traveler! We talked to her about her time with the department, how her experiences around the world have affected her, and the study abroad program to Iceland that she’s gearing up for. (Admissions are still open!)

1) What do you think the most rewarding part of your time as a professor at SUNY Fredonia has been?

My students. I’ve gotten to know so many beautiful minds. I’ve had the privilege of mentoring students. That’s been the most rewarding part of my life teaching here or anywhere. And I think they have helped me as much as I’ve helped them! 

I have a sense of what I want to teach that semester but it just so happens that the minute you step foot in the classroom, and you see in front of you people with emotions and thoughts and hopes and ideas,  you have to be open-minded and compassionate. And I think in some ways I find my teaching rewarding because I never compromise that. I was always someone who took an interest in students’ wellbeing, who was curious about what they thought, and never tyrannical about “Oh, I’m going to teach you this!” And now, ten years, twelve years later, I still have students who contact me, drive up to have coffee with me, invite me to their weddings. I’m happy!

2) Which of the courses that you have taught do you think students connected the most with? Which do you think you connect the most with?

My favorite subjects to teach are war and love. And I have to say, even though I sometimes hesitate teaching it, love and war in the context of Middle Eastern literature has been an intriguing experience for me as much as it has been for the students. I’ve done some interesting work where, for example, I had US veterans, US veteran writers visit my class. And we read about the Iraq War from the perspective of Iraqis, refugees. And I have to say, in the classes I teach, I have students that have those eureka moments, but never so much as in Middle Eastern lit. Because it’s a generational thing, they’ve grown up with an image of the Middle East. They’ve heard about the Iraq War, they have family members who have fought or  deployed. And it’s been a part of their lives. But for some reason I think, for more than half of my students, that hadn’t been rendered visible. Just how much the Middle East has been a part of their lives, in the post-Cold War era.

So, to render that, to make that appear to students and to ask them to echo an ongoing discourse, and invite them to be a part of the dialogue? That has been intriguing for me. And I applied some of what I do in love, romance literature, and taught exclusively love stories from Middle Eastern lit in order to de-center this idea that Middle Eastern people don’t love, don’t laugh.

That’s a very wordy way of saying: war and love. War stories and love stories.

3) What advice do you have for prospective and/or current English students?

Let’s see… [Pause] I’m not good at giving advice! But I would say to be open minded. Everyone already has something they want to study and yet I see college as an opportunity to also reach out to distant shores. So maybe learn a new language, maybe they want to study literature at Oxford for a year. Aim high, and be idealistic.

4) A big potion of your work as an academic revolves around the translation of historical works. What do you think brought you to have such an interest in translation?

Oh, thank you for that question! Um, personal reasons. And curiosity. And also, my belief in peace, and peacemaking. The reason why I translate the works of some of the American veteran writers, for example, is because I want them to be read in other languages, I want their stories to be told in other languages. Because we need that polyphony to understand war. And it is, I believe, only possible through translation otherwise you have that barrier, since you can’t be face-to-face all the time with everybody who has experienced war. Those stories have to migrate. And I don’t think there’s any other way besides translation.

As I migrate between languages and I travel, sometimes I feel homesick for my native tongue. And that makes me want to sit down and translate, to use that vocabulary. Sometimes I just spend an hour looking through a dictionary, just to see if I will catch a word that I would like to remember. That is important in life, and… [Pause] it helps me. 

5) You’ve travelled quite a bit throughout your life. How do you think your experience of travel has affected you as both a person and as an academic?

I was born in Turkey, and I was raised in Turkey. And I came to the US for my graduate degree program. And I stayed here. And in the meantime, yes, I travel often. And it so happens that my life is an intersection of three cultures and three countries and three languages: Belgium, Turkey, and the United States.

So being in Belgium, or in Ghana, or in Russia or in Iceland… I don’t see those countries as entities with borders that then determine how I should act or interact with people. When I travel, I like connecting with people and landscapes. That’s what I’m interested in the most when I travel.

But I also want to refer back to a Renaissance philosopher that I adore, Montaigne. Something he wrote, has always stuck with me: “The very act of rubbing your head against the head of others.” That you become wise as you travel. I’ve seen in the past that that is not true for all people; in fact, a critical mass of people that I see when I travel are only interested in living somebody else’s Instagram page. They want the same pictures, the same selfies, the same food. 

But for me? It has almost become a lifestyle. And I don’t see how I could give it up.

6) You’re the faculty leader of the Iceland study program. What is it about Iceland that you think makes it such a good location to study abroad?

Iceland is a sub-arctic island. It is quite remote from many locations. It is a country of 350,000 people, most people live around the capital city, so the island is not homogeneously populated. To me, it is a country that brings together modernity and tradition. In terms of landscape, it brings together  extreme urban architecture and beautiful pastoral scenery. On one hand, it has these most progressive laws towards the LGBT+ community and pay equality. On the other hand, it has a committee for baby names. Certain names aren’t allowed for babies. It’s a country that doesn’t have, from what I can say from my own research, a single stolen item in their museums. Not a single item that’s been questionably curated or smuggled. And in terms of problem-solving, and democracy, and lifestyles, it is a country that can help students do comparative analyses. 

In terms of environmental issues, in terms of equality, we have, I think, a subset of global issues that we face. If you go to Bangladesh, you will see them dealing with water pollution. In Flint, Michigan, they deal with water pollution. So we have a subset of global issues anyway. But everybody seems to find different solutions to these problems. And it seems to me that Iceland, maybe because they are a small country, maybe because of the way that their democracy and politics work, maybe because of the culture, their decision making and their problem-solving may help students analyze their own. It’s for that reason that I think that Iceland is a near-perfect place for the students to go to tackle the issues that they have studied in the classroom, and heard about for all of their young adult lives.

One example: my generation did not read about glaciers in the newspaper every two days. Your generation, almost every week there is news about glaciers. They’ve become a part of our political and environmental issues. And we have a glacier hike on the Iceland trip for students — with very responsible behavior [towards environmental impact] — to see the glacier, and understand their life cycle, and what they mean for the planet, and understand that when glaciers melt in the Arctic, we feel it in the Mediterranean. Our world, as Jacques Cousteau said: “Everything is connected.” To get these insights, you have to travel. You have to develop perspective.

For aesthetic reasons, too, Iceland is a special place to study. It’s a breathtaking country. Arresting scenery. Captivating. If you have a poet or a painter in you, it comes out in Iceland. You cannot be indifferent to the Icelandic landscape. And every time we go, from the moment we get on the airport bus, to the second we depart, students are captivated.

7) Finally: what would you say is the most important lesson that literature can teach us?

[Long pause] It hasn’t taught me any lessons. Because, then we have to see literature as almost being didactic all the time. I had questions. And literature has helped me understand my own questions and listen to how others have asked similar questions. You may not feel like you need to read in your twenties, but I bet in your fifties you will feel that urge to read. For anybody who wants to understand existence, it’s there for you.  It takes away your loneliness. It hears your questions, and it gives you more questions. For anybody who wants to understand existence, it’s there for you.

[This interview has been edited and condensed for length, with input from the subject]

Intent/The First 120 Hours

Cycle 8, Day 11

Everyone always wants to know what chemo (technically maintenance chemo) is like, and I try to give an accurate portrayal, However, the truth is, even with the lighter touch and my new Hunter S. Thompson drug-fueled lifestyle (actually, after reading “Gonzo Girl,” even at my most heavily-medicated, I’m not in the same league), you’ll feel physically and mentally funky (and there’s always that nasty injection site pain from the Marizomib). The good news is, with Marizomib, fatigue is the most-noted downside (I wrote about that previously, but fatigue, I’ve learned, isn’t really exhaustion, it’s when consciousness is painful), so I usually get a full night’s sleep. Thanks to a quasi-legal medical substance, the chemo hangover is cut down significantly, and you wake up feeling, almost too good. So, yeah, in my false sense of recovery, I did push myself a little too hard and sprain something in the bad leg, so I'm spending today on the couch, thanks to that nasty rubbery leg of mine. I try to keep active and fit, but it isn't always a reasonable goal. So, today; rest; tomorrow, more-achievable goals, like going up and down stairs without a deathgrip on the rail.

Anyway, the point of this writing project is to provide some sort of useful data in an easily-digested form, so I thought I’d give a few pointers on surviving the first 120 hours after a terminal (we'll discuss it) cancer diagnosis (with the warning that it’s from my perspective, but what works for me may well be fatal for you; use your own judgment). I’m not talking about self-care or organizing your prescriptions - that’s later in the process. I’m going to tell you what I wish I’d known to survive the first four or five days after the diagnosis (non-medically). This is about how to subtly shift your thinking from "I'm gonna die" to "I'm going to scream into the gates of the Underworld like I own that fucker," which, based on personal experience, might be the necessary attitude to putting off that particular scenario.

1. Do what you need to do, emotionally. One of the shittier things able-bodied people do to new cancer patients is tell them to buck up, or be positive. Folks, if this goes South, I will experience cachexia. Most survivors are sterilized and have long-term health issues related to treatment. You wouldn’t tell someone who’s about to march into the jaws of hell to smile, especially if they’ve just had a seizure or are in pain. If you have to drink a bottle of whisky and drunkenly call an ex, now’s the time, you might not get it later. I think I spent a day dry heaving and lying in bed before I really came to my senses. Do what you have to, but do it quickly because you are now on the clock.

2. Find appropriate help. Just as not all cancers are created  equal, not all doctors are created equal. Again, according to Briish stastics, “medical misadvenure” is the third leading cause of death. Having said that, even though I insist on the very best for my glioblastoma, that’s because there isn’t much of a middle ground between “survivor” and “dead” with that. If I get lung cancer or colon cancer, I may not be quite as picky. I’ve talked previously about finding good oncologists, and, as recently noted, they’re usually not motivated by money. And be creative in where you get information; two friends from the Mesozoic contacted me to ask for help with their parents who have glioblastoma. It seemed odd to me that I’d be asked about, especially since one of these friends is a practicing physician. I try to give everyone accurate, well-researched advice, and I hope I did then, but it still feels like there’s somehing wrong in the universe when I’m somewhat knowledgeable about how to handle a crisis. We’ll ignore the self-contained, Zen koan-like irony of that statement in a guide to what to do.

3. Find new friends/join a support group. I don’t know if it’s just brain cancer patients - I don't know if it's just brain cancer patients or all cancer patients, but your previous support group (or key members of it) will be conspicuous in their absence. In my case (and another person I've read of), I heard back from a bunch of random people I literally hadn't heard from in decades (in a few cases). I get an awful lot of passing privilege, but, so far, any time I've dropped the "C" word - it's immediately changed the nature of our interactions. So far, overwhelmingly, people have been kind, or positive, which is great, but it does get grating after a while that any time the phrase "and what do you do?" comes around, there's a stilted shift. You know who absolutely could not give less of a shit about your new medical label (unless you're having a seizure)? Other cancer survivors and patients.  And - bonus - they'll actually be able to give you far more accurate and up-to-date info on your disease and/or financial or social resources that might now be at your disposal than I know about. I'm indebted to my old friends from the Mesozoic who showed up to cheer me on in my hour of need (extra kudos to Laura and Julie), but I owe an unrepayable number of favors to the Leukemia Kids (okay, that's the Young Cancer Support Group, but most cancer patients under 40 are lymphoma or leukemia patients/survivors, hence my name)(sorry if you guys don't like it, I'll think of a better one ASAP) who helped me get past that (sort of, I still need all the help I can get). I did not do that, but, in retrospect, it was a massive mistake I didn’t.

4. Prepare for drama - your life is about to become a bad Lifetime Television Special, and it does affect different people in different ways - I know one brain cancer survivor whose husband left her  - and you’re going to be doing this while experiencing an amount of fear you’d previously been unable to imagine; the full 31 flavors.  You will be - initially - completely overwhelmed by terror. I'd recommend seeing a shrink (I do); all the prescription pads will come out for this one. The bad news is, even if you beat this thing, you don't ever really get over it. I've talked to late-stage breast cancer survivors who say the same thing; even after years of clean scans, the anxiety and fear never fully leaves (it certainly hasn't for me, though, but I'm not even a year out of a five-year deal).

5. know the difference between terminal, incurable, chronic and fatal. I remember which step on the stairway I was on - the third or fourth - when Mad Scientist told me those six words, over the phone (I was traveling at the time), "I'm so sorry, it's stage IV." The world swung, because I suddenly knew not only that I would die soon, but exactly how (that's a really horrifying thing to consider, I wrote one of my fist essays - posted around here, somewhere - to try and capture that sensation). Fatal diseases are like a car crash - they'll kill you. Terminal illnesses are defined by Wikipedia (and I like their definition, since the traditional definition has involved how, subjectively, soon/quick the disease is likely to kill you) as, "an incurable disease that cannot be adequately treated and is reasonably expected to result in the death of the patient." You'll note a lot of weasel words in there that make this nice, elastic definition my favorite, but the phrase I like to hang on is, "adequately treated." Chronic diseases are the ones that last three or more months (or something like that; I did take an intro pathophysiology class that involved knowing the instructor's definition of "acute" and "chronic"). Chronic cancers - like mine and a lot of recurrent leukemias - are ones that require five consecutive years without metastasis or recurrence before you're declared "cured." It's telling of the quality of my medical team that, as far as I know, none of them have ever said the words "fatal" or "terminal" in my presence.  Instead, I've been given a series of treatments that really suck (check this blog for any examples you'd like), but, I'd so far rate as "adequate" in that they've kept the disease at bay (for those of you working out, step-by-step along with me how to save yourself or a loved one, that statistic is progression-free survival. I'd imagine, based on how a new immunotherapy has gotten to round 3 just in the nine months I've been in treatment (technically, treatment ended back in February, I'm in "maintenance chemotherapy," but since I have to be in the infusion center every Tuesday, and I have to remain wary of potential problems/side-effects/etc. it's just easier to think of myself as still being in chemo). And most cancers are, technically, incurable. We might have a definitive treatment of some sort, but since it's ultimately caused by damaged DNA, and we can't repair or zap every single rogue cell in your body, most are just genetic time bombs. And, since I've survived the first tumor, a lot of medicine seems to have swung back to reclassify a lot of very treatable (but not curable, apparantly) as either chronic or having that potential. I like to use the idea/metaphor I saw another science writer use; it's like heart disease or diabetes; it'll take a lifetime of management and monitoring,  but it may not, necessarily kill you. In other words, you've received a helluva strong first blow, but, even with the gravest prognosis, you might be around for a longer struggle (and time) than you'd thought.

6. Use statistics as guidelines, not rules. This was a big one for me. And it doesn't mean you shouldn't use statistics, or automatically dispute them, but realizing the GBM median life expectancy included both 20-year-olds and 90-year-olds who dropped dead of heart attack and people who refused (or were not candidates) for other treatment. Again, there's a lot of luck involved in this, at every single point, but you can - mentally and physically - prepare for pain, or  hardship, or potential heart problems (and react and treat such things). You can't really prepare for cancer recurring or metastasizing, apart from writing your own eulogy (which, come to it, I suppose this is a part of).

7. Decide right now if you want to live or go gentle into that good night - This is far, far more important than you might think, because both the medical industrial complex, your disease, and the basic, horrible logistics of this situation are going to be beyond exhausting. There's a lot of luck here, but, from minute 1, I have had one thing going for me:  complete, near-psychotic commitment to actually staying alive.  And that's what it'll take (sadly, in more than a few cases, much, much more will be required).  You're going to have to charm, cheer, cajole, finagle, and, in some cases, con people like there won't be any consequences, because, if you're unsuccessful, there won't be. And this will give you the required attitude to deal with some of the higher-ups you'll meet in medicine (and scream at them, if necessary).  Again, full honors to all my various clinicians and support staff over the years who have never made me feel trapped or impotent by my immediate sitaution, but, at the same time, if any of the sort of arrogance and contempt I've heard of from other folks (including doctors) was actually warranted on behalf of modern science and medicine, there would be no fatal diseases. Again, I'll happily write glowing testimony on behalf of the people treating me, but I've met too many patients who feel like refusing treatment because they're too dejected or frightened to go on, and their doctors or insurance are still charging them (why that's still allowed is largely due to the fact that modern medical insurance is an entirely artificial industry created to meet no demand, and enabled by Richard Nixon and Edgar Kaiser)(again, I'm making none of that up). I'd urge everyone to get up, remember that dead men, women, transgender, non-binary, (and anyone I'm forgetting), do not pay bills; hopefully that'll give you the sort of needed psychological boost to get off your butt and demand more. It's not a sustainable life strategy, but until the end of your illness is in sight, Malcolm X's statement, "By any means necessary" should be your mantra.

8. Don’t lose hope - Believe me, it seems weird for me to write it, and it might very well be warranted in more than a few cases, but I did ask myself, once, why I'd be on the phone the next morning ordering and organizing my prescriptions (orchestrating what substances should be in me on which day is now a more daunting logistics task than the D-Day landings), instead of just sitting quietly in a comfy chair until it was all over (that's still always a temptation), and all I can say is, I guess it was enough to motivate me through another day. And another. And another. And, in the meantime, another treatment has made it to trials, for, wait for it, recurrent GBM (which is what I'll have if the Warlocks miscalculate using the lunar calendar)(no longer a joke; each treatment period is 28 days). I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna get miserable, and not all of us will make it (Hell, measles has a death rate, which, there,  that sensation of realizing measles can be fatal, is what a TIA feels like).

9. Mourn your old life, don’t waste time trying to get it back. I made that mistake between Tumor #1 and 2. I'm not making it again. I realize I can only write for myself, which was the horrifying realization that came to define my existence - no one, as far as I can tell, has written a decent, current, useable guide to avoiding the reaper when your number's up. So I guess I'm going to have to stay alive long enough to do that. Also, I don't know if anyone out there's outlived their own life expectancy, but I've already done it twice, and there is no more amazing sensation - no matter what else your life looks like.

I’m an emotional mess so :)

A lot of these posts have been going around and I have had the distinct honour to have been tagged in some myself. Firstly, a huge thank you to anyone who did tag me, I can’t begin to describe how happy you made me by doing that. 

Secondly, one thing I want to say is that a lot of this list is comprised of people I hold very dear to my heart especially considering that even though our interests may vary and I may not post about things they enjoy anymore, they’re still here and really that shows me that I have friends who are here for me, who like me, and not any content I post so for that I’d like to extend another huge thank you. i can’t begin to describe to all of you what that means to me :) <3 

@wreathoflaurels​ : Oh mannnnn haha where do I begin??? Umm Laura is like literally one of my best friends and I cant begin to say how relieved I am that I mustered up the courage to talk to her that one day cause its been nothing but love and support and caring for each other since. i cant understand how someone i have never been able to lay eyes on in person could have so much of my heart and so much of my trust. I would lay down my life for you in a second and i dont think I get nearly enough opportunities to show you that. You are such a giving and supportive person and I truly count myself privileged to have been able to meet someone like you and count you as one of the people nearest to my heart. I love you and I want nothing but the best for you. 

@gobodosama​: Someone else that I count myself so blessed to have mustered up the courage to talk to omg. I remember the first time I spoke to Abbey was on one of her streams and she was so kind and supportive that I immediately thought ‘well fuck she’ll never like you.’ But!!!! by some miracle, she did and I get to say, with so much pride that Abbey is one of my best friends. Abbey is someone I have been able to pour my heart out to and never feel like my words will be misconstrued or misinterpreted. I truly feel like the best version of myself when I am speaking to you and i CANt begin to thank you enough for that. My super talented, kind, loving, beautiful best friend. Stay awesome, I love you. 

@sankontesu​ :Sometimes I sit there and wonder to myself how I, hell the world, got so lucky to have someone like Lali. honestly. Lali is easily one of the kindest and most generous and open hearted people I have ever met. Lali, I remember being absolutely floored that you would spend your own money on commissioning art of Reiko for me as a birthday present. That you hadn’t even met me and you were willing to spend your own money on me. We were so close to being able to meet in NYC and do I wish to god it happened so i could give you such a huge hug and thank you for being you. People can say whatever they want about Lali but let it be known that in all my life I have never met someone like you, someone who is so good to the core and deserving of nothing but love. I love you, even if we havent spoken in so loooongg, and I hope you are always smiling cause you deserve nothing but . 

@mirsan​ :Angie is someone that I could talk about for days. I would never get tired of announcing to the world how much Angie means to me as a person and how beautiful and giving and caring and supportive she is. There have been too many occasions for me to quote to anyone where I have felt like Angie would take on the world for me and there have been times where she has done just that. And whats most amazing about Angie is that its not just me or any of her friends that she would do that for, Angie would do that for anyone. That is what makes her such an amazing person. Angie i have been able to cry to you, cry with you, laugh with you, and listen to horrific 10 minute voice notes with you, do dramatic live readings of horrific fics with you - you name it. I will never forget that when I was scared of seeing someone to talk to, it was you who talked me through what the initial process would be and gave me the courage to go through with it. i cant thank you enough for that. I love you so much you are literally my life coach, be mirsan af and happy always, i will fight anyone who contradicts that. 

@narkik​ : amandaaaaaa omg. Amanda you were probably my first friend on here. The Office AU haha and I remember thinking that you were waaaaay too cool for me and lo and behold I am correct. You are such an intelligent and beautiful person, so easy to talk to and i love that i can go months without talking to you and yet the next time we do talk its like it was just yesterday. idk what it is that makes me feel like I could talk to you about anything but know that i would literally fight the entire universe in order to put a smile on your face because you deserve that. Its weird how someone can be the opposite of me in so many ways and yet we can still be so similar. I love you and I want to always write smut that makes you cry in public places from trying not to smile haha, please stay happy always!!!

@aaya-ranjha-mera: omgggg you are a wild card entry! I can not begin to fathom how close I have gotten to you in such a short time. I can honestly say that I never expected for you to become a daily fixture in my life where it feels weird if we arent talking about one thing or the other. I love that i can always count on you to understand how im feeling and offer perspectives on it that i didnt even imagine. I love how I dont have to explain things to you, you seem to just understand them and sometimes its like you’re just on the same brainwave as me haha (our twins moments are far too many to count). You understand me and my love for certain,,,, characters,,,, *sigh* in a way that makes me feel a little more sane at the end of the day anD i LOVE you for that. I adore that you trust me enough to talk to me about things because the feeling is 10000% mutual and I would fight the entire planet for you!

@smilebomber : OH RINNE.. soMETIMES i think about you and just get really emotional because you are such a pURE soul and you honestly must be protected at all costs. When i think sunshine and happiness and the warmth you get from being around someone you love, I think of you. You’re so strong and loving and beautiful and TALENTED. Is there anything you cant do?? i think not. I love that youre always so considerate of everyone around you, you’re always thinking of others and their feelings and i want you to know that I am always always always thinking of you and i have so much love in my heart for you. you have been there to ask me if i’m okay when I’m feeling down, to leave me nice asks and pick me up messages and I can’t find words to tell you how much that means to me. All I can really do is impress on you that I will always, in any circumstance, be here to do the same for you and if anyone ever tries to make you feel like you are anything short of an actual goddess I will come for their ass so help me god. 

@hedevimaiyya: i want to say to you shivangi that i am guaranteed going to cry typing this and if you laugh i will kill you ok. Shivangi omg omg omg i have been able to tell you things that i would never tell anyone else, i have been able to cry to you in ways that i dont know if ive done to someone else. You understand me on a wavelength that I dont think even I can reach??? When i talk to you its like all my sadness and stress becomes background noise because we just have so much fun talking to each other. I share everything with you, be it art or fic or OCs and you make me feel like ive done something worth the nobel prize every single time and I cant tell you the fuzzy feeling i get every time you message me because you are associated with goodness and happiness to me and I just feel so strongly for you. I would murder anyone who hurt you and I have been on the verge of doing so more than once. i hope to god, more than anything, that you come down to ontario so i can hug you and scream or i come up to montreal and you can laugh at my french which, while being fluent and spoken with a correct accent, is probably horrible. I LOVE YOU BOOBOO ILL DIE FOR YOU. 

@onikik : You know what michelle you wanna know the truth. i struggled a lot writing your paragraph. Because i dont know where to begin talking about you. Do i start with your talent, with the fact that youre the actual hand of god? do i start with your wonderful ideas and humour?? Or do i start with the heart of pure gold in your chest? You are honestly one of the most amazing people I have met hands down, you are always ready to spread love and care and be there for other people. You - god Im getting teary eyed thinking about it - you go out of your way to do things for other people and even when youre doing a commission you go out of your way to personalize it for the person and really make them feel like you did this for them and only for them, to make them happy. theres this loving intimacy in everything you do that makes everyone around you feel like you care about them and that you are there for them. idk how you do it honestly but i think youre an actual god. yOU must be i cant imagine there being any other way that you could be so beautiful and kind and loving and giving and caring and just pe r fect. I love you and id die for you and kill for you. know that always. 

and to you beautiful, beautiful people: you are all such amazing people who have made me feel so loved and welcomed. I see your URLs on my dash and I immediately am filled with warmth and love because thats exactly what all of you represent to me!!!!!

@ohblackfire, @kristicles, @thequeenwillruletheboard, @oh-haseena, @inukag, @sinuyasha, @kongosoha, @ashcanvas, @macabre-and-cheese

to anyone I forgot: I am so incredibly sorry. Know that if your name isnt on this list anywhere, that doesnt mean you’re not in my heart and that I wouldnt give my actual life for you. I have a horrible memory and I give you my deepest and most sincere apologies. <3 

Reasons why my mom is the BEST

my cousin struggles with reading and its hard to get her to read anything, but my mom wont give up in her persuit to find a book she likes so she can read.

i have a weird thing where i cant use showers/baths that i know have been used by other people because for some reason they feel so intensely gross (idk why man). that means public showers are horrible for me. but ive had the privilege of having my own bathroom since elementary school, so i didt have to deal with that. however, me and my bro switched rooms recently and i told her abt my hatred for shared showers, and she instantly cleaned the entire shower and tub with relatively heavy chemicals so it would feel clean.

she also does that anytime my brother has a bath in there (its the only bath in the house and he uses them to de-stress sometimes)

she accepted me when i came out as gay, but now she actively embraces it, buying me the rainbow versions of things, talking abt my future wife, etc etc

when she found out that my brother had down syndrome while she was pregnant with him, almost everyone suggested some form of abortion or adoption. she kept him and all his accompanying problems and now he is going off to college and my mom and brother are role models in our school system of supporting your children, even if youre always told they will amount to nothing.

last year my uncle (her bother she basically raised as her own) was going through the worst of his alchoholism (10 months sober now!!) and in the middle of it, i attempted suicide and went to a psyc hospital. i didnt know about my uncle till after and idk how she was so strong throughout all of that

later i came to her about a friend who was seriously considering suicide. my mom listened closely, asked questions, and told me what she thought was best to do. she didn't freak out or contact my friends parents immediately. now my friend is alive and doing better because of her advice, even if still depressed, she's alive.

she always tries to see the best in people and see things from their perspective

sometimes she pushes me too hard when i just need a break, but i know she does it because she cares and is scared of what could happen to me

but she also doesn't fight me when she knows i need a break. last week i had 3 days in a row of intense and draining human interaction. my brother wanted to go on a boat ride, my mom asked me if i wanted to go and i said no and explained why, and my mom told me that she just explained the same thing to my brother so he wouldn't be sad if i said no

she is so supportive of my art and my projects and is thuroughly invested in my future art college plans

all of my friends love her so shes now honorary mom to all of my friends whether they know it or not

when i was super depressed, she would say "i love you" and i couldn't bring myself to say it back. she never mentioned it even though i know it made her sad. now that im doing better i am able to say "i love you too." she waited and loved me unconditionally even when i couldn't love her.

when i was younger she often was short with us and wouldn't listen, but as we've gotten older and ive started going to therapy and she learned more, we have extremely constructive and calm conversations about pretty much anything either of us want to talk about

she cooks EVERYTHING, my dad never cooks, and she also drives me and my brother everywhere and we're both busy kids so its a real struggle, yet she never asks my dad for help (she should, he needs to start being a parent) because she doesn't want to inurrupt his work or hobbies

shes just generally so sweet and caring and shes been through so much she needs a break

ill probobly add many more as i think about them