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contents: established dan heng x gn!reader. reader is a member of the astral express crew, but is not the hsr mc. hurt/comfort, post-1.2 spoilers

a/n: a little bit of a longer one today! thanks to @itoshisoup, @/petrichorium, n @/kitsunefreak for answering my questions abt dh's reincarnation (ask here)! if u see this i hope u know it took everything in me not to call him daniel heng

you and dan heng have never needed words. why say "i love you" when you could just cut him a plate of fruit? why say "i need you" when you could press little, fluttering kisses to his spine, and watch the shiver of goosebumps spread over his skin?

your language has always been one of quiet actions, quiet loves, which is perhaps why he looks so surprised when you take one look and him and say, quite loudly, "what the fuck?"

because the dan heng standing before you isn't the dan heng you could recognize by touch alone. he's.... taller, somehow. broader. he carries himself with an ease that he hadn't before. and most importantly—

"are those horns?"

"yes," he says, with no further explanation.

"dan heng used to be a cool dragon warrior guy in his past life!" march 7th interjects, seemingly oblivious to your increasing upset. "he was super powerful and super important, too!"

you'd known about the whole... reincarnation thing. he'd explained it to you before, but from your understanding, his past lives weren't important. he'd told you that this life with you was the only one that mattered to him. so why hadn't he told you...?

"that's quite enough, march 7th," himeko takes one glance at your expression and cuts in as march 7th begins rambling about dan heng's... boyfriends? husbands? from his past lives and how handsome and cool and strong they all were, and how their story was so romantic—

dan heng says nothing.

"well," you say abruptly, forcing a smile, "i'm suddenly feeling a bit tired. i'm going to turn in. dan heng, you can sleep outside tonight."

you stand up and swiftly make your way to the passenger car. behind you, you hear march 7th ask, "did i say something wrong?"

you let it all fade into silence as you step into the archive room— you and dan heng's room. at least, it would be silence, if it wasn't for the faint footsteps behind you.

"you're upset with me." dan heng crosses the room to you in a few long strides. gently, carefully, he pulls you into his arms. you let him. despite all of the visual changes, he still smells the same. it's more comforting than you thought it would be. you take a few deep breaths, letting his familiar scent calm you down.

"i'm not angry," you say, voice a bit muffled as you bury your face in his chest.

"you're not," he agrees. "but you are upset."

silence falls upon you. you curl further into dan heng's embrace, and he welcomes you easily, drawing wide circles over your back. he's generous with his touch, his affection. it helps you begin to sort through the mess of feelings in your heart.

"you always told me that your past lives weren't important," you say. the words spill from you, a waterfall of hurt and insecurity. "but then you come back from the luofu looking like some— some celestial war dragon, and then i hear about your banishment for high treason and your two beautiful lovers who recognized you across lifetimes, and how it's so romantic because they're probably your soulmates—"

"i know you don't like when i interrupt," dan heng interrupts. "but i... i want to explain before you get more upset, as there are nuances to this situation that i do not think march 7th handled with enough care. you know how she can be when she's excited."

you nod. you do know. you take another deep breath— in through your nose, out slowly through your mouth. "okay, then. explain. please."

"i do not consider myself the same person as the version of me who lived in the past," dan heng says. "i am dan heng. the person that march 7th spoke of was called dan feng. his deeds and his lovers are not mine. i claim no ownership of nor association with them. thus, they are not important to me. dan feng is not important to me. does that make sense?"

"not really," you say. "you're literally him."

"i am not him," dan heng says. "we may share a soul, but i am not him. i do not remember his life, nor do i want to. i have everything i could ever want here and now, as dan heng."

"really?"

"yes," he says. there's a warm brush of lips against the crown of your head. "the astral express crew makes me happy. you make me happy. we may have our troubles, but there's nobody i would rather face them with than you."

warmth flushes through your body, and you hide your face again. it's rare that dan heng voices his emotions so clearly. his candor strips you raw, scraping at the inside of your chest. he's the one being vulnerable, so why are you the one feeling so seen?

"i mean it," dan heng says, taking your silence as disbelief. "i love you. nothing about my past reincarnation's life will change that."

"you're so ridiculous," you sniffle, willing your tears away. "i love you, too."

silence settles around your shoulders once more, comforting like a feather-filled duvet. dan heng rocks you gently— back and forth, back and forth. new clothes and new horns aside, he still smells the same. he speaks the same way. and when you press your ear to his chest, his heart beats the same, steady beat.

"were your— dan feng's— past lovers really that hot?" you break the silence, and dan heng lets out a rare laugh.

"of course you're curious about that," he says, with no small amount of fondness. "here— i'll let you form your own opinions."

he taps on his communicator a few times, pulling up a picture.

"no way," you do a double take, hands flying to your mouth, and you pull back to look at him, wide-eyed. "dan heng. no way."

"yes way," he says, and you can hear the little smug smirk in his voice. he loves you, you know he does, but you can't blame him for the bit of pride that shines through his tone. if you'd managed to pull not one, but two men that magnificent in your past life, your head would get so big that you'd explode.

"and you don't care about them at all?" you have to ask. dan feng was one lucky guy. it's hard not to feel insecure, just a little—

"why would i? they're strangers to me," dan heng blazes through your train of thought, tilting your chin to look you in the eyes. he sobers. something in his voice reaches into the soft, small animal of your heart, holding it steady as it flutters. "besides, i already have the most beautiful person in the universe in my arms."

extra:

"so does this mean i can sleep in the room again?"

"mrgh," you mumble. if your eyelids were any less heavy, you'd open your eyes to shoot him an incredulous look. your limbs are intwined with his like an octopus, and it's bedtime. surely, he's capable of extrapolating. as it is, you mouth sleepily at his collarbone, and hope he understands it as permission.

"okay. just checking. goodnight, dear."

OK ok. many things 2 say. i just woke up and read ur answer so bare w me i have a lot

first of all. yeah people really fuck with malons character and the tropes they stick to her are boring at best and misogynistic at worst and it makes me Very Upset. shes one of my favs and shes actually rlly interesting if u squint (im abt to make 2 posts abt that lol) but noooo shes Time's Wife and The Boys Mother and nothing more . when it comes to Time L/U its weird bc it takes the heroes shade into account (which is fine! it is canon!) but imo the heroes shade completely fucked her character to shit and disregarded her entire story of oot and mm and. hhhh. i dont like that version of her becoming the Main Interpetation. please stop making her a brooding asshole please consider her as shes written pleaaaase 🙏🙏

i dont blame u for finding oot and mm dull. theyre long and old and not quite story-heavy as sksw and botw but im just insane about its themes and characters so if u ever have questions i can prolly answer them (and itd make me super happy lmao 🕺💃)

i didnt even know the shortened names were a completely fanon thing what !! hell world ig aaaagh

and OK THANK YOU!!!! there is a MASSIVE difference between tired and sleepy and he is TIRED if anything !!!!!!!! the entire game is about how devoted link is to saving zelda that it caused the reincarnation cycle OF COURSE HE WOULD BE TIRED. OF COURSE HE WOULD SACRIFICE SLEEP FOR THE SAKE OF HER. OF COURSE!!!!!!!!! i will say that there is this interesting thing w sksw in that, like... you start out being told link is someone who is very carefree and almost lackadaisical. he lives with his head in the clouds and takes things at his own pace and he likes to stop and smell the roses and whatnot (see: everything zelda says at the beginning of the game abt him not practicing and not rlly taking it seriously and etc etc etc). hes too late to see her at the forest temple and impa tells him he was too late to SAVE her and THEN we get that iconic "am i late?" "no. youre right on time." scene, and then it ends w ghirahim saying hes "far too quick" at the end of the game. what im getting at is that hes trying so, so hard throughout the game to be the hero zelda needs, and he gets better and better and better (albeit at his own expense). i DO think the impa scene was the major turning point and fucked up his view of himself ("why would i need to take care of myself when she still needs to be saved?") but point is. he is trying so hard. yes hed be tired and itd almost certainly be self imposed but sleepy? LAZY??? did you play the game past the opening .

you and me have the same brain abt sksw link i think. no more sleepy soft sweetheart link i want sksw link with a good heart who is still ultimately so sooo tired and weary bc he is putting everything he is into saving his friend but who also wont pass up the opportunity to fuck with people or wreck shit if he wants to.

ok sorry for the long messages. Why am i not following you what hang on

Dang :/ you really can't have anything in this place, huh? (Also I'd love to hear what you have to say on the hero's shade (even if its just in the context of lu), because I do quite like him (although the version that exists in my head is admittedly a bit-- different))

It's not that I don't want to watch it its just that I know after about three hours I'll be giving up (yeah I can replay a game I've already finished three times for six straight hours but GOD FORBID I try to watch a new show or listen to a podcast :/)

Yeah the names are shortened. yall could've been creative at least? It feels like it reduces them down even further, if that makes sense

YES he's getting faster and faster but at what cost!! Buddy you're going to make yourself sick!!! Take a break once in a while!!! (I say while actively writing several fics in which he Does Not Take A Fucking Break)

At this point sksw link simply has no shits left to give. Like yeah he'll help people but. Wouldn't it just be so much easier to give this love letter away as toilet paper? And also like I know it's just restrictions on how many words they can get in the boxes. But he seems like a pretty blunt guy. I think someone who's a quote unquote "soft sweetheart" would at least be willing to use more than three words at a time (and he wouldn't walk closer to better hear a private conversation, cough, pipit and his mom, cough, and then lie about it)

I don’t know if you care or not, but I wanted to know if you had any advice. I’m gender fluid, and it’s really hard for me. I struggle to feel comfortable in my own skin a lot, even when I feel like I’m wearing the right things. I can differ from being a boy, girl, or in between. But I don’t know how to cope with the fact that sometimes I have to cancel special occasions because I get either overwhelmed or confused until I cry. I want help and I thought reaching out to you would help. Thanks!

i do care — i just don’t know how much i can help, when what every individual person is going through is so intricate and unique, and there are so many different factors to your struggles that i could never fully know abt or understand. i can only tell u to be kind to yourself, and to tell the people close to you the same thing you’ve told me.

i think it can be a lot easier to express this kind of pain and frustration and weariness to a stranger online, bc it doesn’t feel as vulnerable; but telling the people who know you is how you can get the help and support u need. i know that what’s stopped me in the past is not wanting to bother my friends when i know they’re all struggling too, or not wanting to become a Drag to be around, or having slotted myself into the role of The Relaxed One Who’s Always Fine/The One Who Gives Advice, Not Gets It, and not wanting to like... shatter those fake made up positions or whatever. but the truth is that anyone healthy to keep in ur life is going to extend the same gentleness and receptiveness to ur need for support just like you would for them; and if there’s nobody in your life who can extend that support to u rn that means it’s back to square one, which is cultivating a relationship of kindness and understanding from yourself to yourself, all self contained.

if u cant talk to anyone close to u, talk to yourself. ask yourself what’s going to make you happy or what it really is you want or what changes u would make in an ideal scenario. (this all sounds obvious but i’ve often find i don’t actually REALLY know what i want or what’s bothering me until i really sit down and seriously think about it). if the answer is “i don’t know,” that’s okay; that’s when you start thinking about “what would be comforting to me while i get used to feeling lost, like i do now?” if the answer is stuff that’s impossible or unrealistic (which is often the case for me) then that’s when you scale back to “okay, what’s a smaller/easier/kinder to myself version of these desires that i can work on?” and then you can move slowly towards those things, and to me even when things are hard and i’m fucking tired and i’m not making progress or feeling better the way i want to, there’s still a LOT of comfort in being able to think “but i know what i want and i’m TRYING to get there, even if some days nothing is really happening and i still feel shitty.”

i believe things will get easier for you — i just hope it happens more quickly than you’re expecting.

can you not be done with those paramore asks now you reblogged it days ago

omg thank-you SO much for letting me know! here's every other question i haven't answered yet!

all we know: do you miss anyone right now? who? my bf bc he is studying abroad and tbh most of my besties cos i haven't seen them in a hot min !

pressure: is there anyone who puts a lot of expectations on you? my boss lmao

emergency: are you a determined person? to an extent? a bitch has adhd

brighter: is there anything in your life that has turned out in an unexpected way - for better or worse? getting together w pmore boy (for better!)

here we go again: have you written a letter recently? who was the last person you wrote to? i wrote a christmas card/letter for imogen last year, she lives all the way across the pond in florida

never let this go: what is your earliest memory? my papa making me tea with like 10 sugars in my baby bottle as a toddler and laying a cushion on the floor to watch lady & the tramp <3

whoa: name a song you’d love to hear live. so criminal ! i'm not sorry, pat kirch !

conspiracy: have you ever felt like someone is against you? uhhhh yes lmao

franklin: is there a place you consider home to you? where? here in scotland, but definitely my lil home village specifically even tho i wasn't born there

my heart: is there a person you want to spend the rest of your life with? ALL OF MY FRIENDS and my bf ig

careful: do you have a favourite instrument? piano is incredible to me

ignorance: is there anyone you used to be close to, but haven’t spoken to in a long time? a few people but one in particular came to mind there and it always stings a little. i wouldn't have survived without her for a while tho.

playing god: have you ever broken a bone? not broken, but i did fracture my butt which i think is kinda impressive

the only exception: do you believe in love that lasts forever? it can!

feeling sorry: which is worse to you: ending a friendship or a relationship? never had a really bad break-up so i can't vote from personal experience but i think they're probably as bad as each other in their own ways?

looking up: how dedicated are you to your ambitions? ehhhhhh don't make me feel bad abt myself at 1am lol

where the lines overlap: what is your opinion on long distance friendships/relationships? it can for sure work (once ur sure ur not being catfished lmao), just gotta be perisistent w it. i have long-distance friends that i've known for years!!

all i wanted: is there something that you almost didn’t do, but you’re glad you did? i almost didn't go on my first date w pmore boy, i wanted to cancel bc i couldn't be bothered and i was tired from work lmaoooo

fast in my car: do you have a dream car? if so, what is it? i honestly don't really, i just want a car in a cute colour. bimbo culture.

daydreaming: which do you prefer: night or day? day

ain’t it fun: is there a song you could play on repeat for days and never get tired of? idk why but the reimagined version of south drive by wstr? repeated 1 mil times on spotify every time it comes on

part ii: is there a part of your past you hold particularly dear? honestly i really enjoyed my school years and kinda wish i could relive them and cherish them more

last hope: do you believe more that you should reach for what you want or that what’s meant to be will be? bit of both? bit of both.

anklebiters: which is more important to you: doing what others want you to do or doing what you want to do? the second one obv but it's hard for us self-conscious hoes x

proof: who do you trust the most? pmore boy forevz

hate to see your heart break: do you believe that the future holds good things? i'd like to.

(one of those) crazy girls: as a person, how laid back are you? pretty laid back. i mean i have anxiety and i'm pretty neurotic lmaoooo but outside of that, not a lot really bothers me? i'm forgiving etc u kno.

be alone: are you more of a talkative or quiet person? depends who i'm with! i've always been thought of as a quiet person but i don't shut up around my loved ones lol.

future: what do you think/hope your future holds? happiness. <333 suck my dick sir x

paramore asks for anyone else who wants to rb

Hi miss fie!!!!! I've been really mia on tumblr in the past weeks and esp haven't been interacting with u because of college and this weird bug that would make my phone lag every time i went to your profile (and ONLY yours which was really annoying) but i'm here now!!! How did u like turbulence and the real heung ver? I loved both and MINGI'S RAP IN ODE TO JOY I'LL CRY RN i'm gonna listen to symphony no 9 now cause that shit hit HARD on -the show that will not be named- and i can't get enough of it so yea hehe but lil update about what i've been up to:

-I had 3 exams this week and am now officially on sem break after finishing my first semester of college!

-I've been baking a lot more this past few weeks cause my relatives are asking for me birthday cakes and stuff which is fun (cause i'm making new things and expanding my portfolio yk?) but also kinda tiring because,,,effort,, but now that i have more time on my hands then it should be okay hehe, seriously thinking abt charging the mfs for my free labour+food real soon but i'm too much of a pussy to bring it up so (๑˘･з･˘)

-I've been playing a lot of Valorant after getting into college which my family makes fun of me for sometimes but it makes me happy and I get to spend time with my close high school friends so ¯\(ツ)/¯ 

I can't really think of much else tbh i sound so boring ew HSGSHS but that att spoiler from a few days(?) ago tho 👀 and yea hehe i hope you're all well and good as usual miss fie! Take care and stay safe as always, much love muah muah <3

Oh no worries sweetheart. Focus on school I'll be here haha. Also im pretty sure i know what the problem was. As cute as the gif was, i think the gif i used for my mobile header in November was too large and thus made people trying to use my blog sometimes have a hard time (myself included). I havent had any issues since the theme change for december so i think it was that.

Oh absolutely. Both mvs are beautiful on opposite sides of the spectrum and Im so proud of them. Its *chefs kiss* that we finally got studio versions of their kingdom arrangements bc I finally get to see my queen Symphony No. 9 come home.

Congrats on finishing your semester! You made it! Make sure to unwind by doing something you love!

Nah you just gotta do it love. Thats how i was with opening my comms for months before I did it. If you feel your work and effort should be paid for, then definitely do it. Even if you start at a smaller price range and go up the better you get. Dont sell yourself short, you gotta make a living and eat too and honestly folks shouldnt always ask you to do things for them for free. That's not very cash money.

Ooo ive heard of that game but i havent played it personally. Im glad you're keeping in touch and bonding with your friends with it tho! People really underestimate how much co-opping with friends can keep your friend group tight knit.

Ah~ did you like the spoiler? C:< im glad!

Your cakes look lovely btw my dear. Stay well, rest well, and if i dont hear from you in q while, happy holidays! Love you lots!

I was tagged by @trcng-bap-time THANK YOU!! <3

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 followers you want to know better!

Age: 19

Birthplace: india

Current time: 4:30 pm

Drink i last had: water bc i rly don’t drink anything else unless it’s a night out at a restaurant or smth LOL

Easiest person to talk to: avani ( @exo-kings ) lmao

Fave song: that’s uhhh a really hard question? so we’ll go by the most listened to song on my google play which is wake me up by bap

Grossest memory: the day after my 14th bday i get really sick and had to go to the er and in the middle of a ct scan i threw up all over myself bc they didn’t tell me nausea was a side effect i still cringe thinking abt it

Hogwarts house: hufflepuff :D

In love: w taeyong?? yeah

Jealous of people: yeah lol but never openly i just kind of...let it fester in my mind #superhealthy

Killed someone: tf kind of question is this...NO

Love at first sight OR walk by again: attraction at first sight, get to know them, THEN fall in love

Middle name: don’t have

Number of siblings: one (avani)

One wish: that ppl would stop having a “make one mistake and you’re CANCELLED” mentality it’s just. so tiring lmao let ppl enjoy things!

Person you called last: my mom bc i never call anyone else tbh !

Question you are asked most: lmfao i honestly have no idea?? maybe “can i see your homework” or “is this song korean”

Song you last sung: my i (chinese version) by seventeen bc that’s the song that was playing last lol but now it’s utopia by trcng

Time you woke up: 10 am bc my final was at 11:30

Underwear color: blue

Vacation destination: i’m gonna say germany bc that’s the trip i’m planning rn lol

Worst habit: in honor of the past week or so...procrastination

X-ray: WHAT does this mean

Your fav food: it’s gotta be mutter paneer tbh i miss it like no other!

Zodiac sign: gemini by birth cancer by personality

i tag: @exo-kings @yieniall @jaebumsmullet @miniminimochi @lesbiantuan @jungkookies-cookie @zaza-zoo @aph-snowball @ltenl @cockybaekhyun but ofc it’s optional if u want to do it or not!

long version!

this is wayyyy longer than i thought so get ready

ok so basically i was friends w this girl for a while and had secretly liked her, and then in january i told her how i felt because we’d kinda been having a fwb relationship since the summer. neither of us had admitted our real feelings, and it turned out she liked me as well. so we were basically dating, like we went on our first date for valentine’s day, and everything was going pretty well. she always asked to hang out and i’m rlly introverted so i don’t like doing more than 1 thing w friends on the weekend bc i just need time to recover from the week. and so she’d always ask to hang out and do things and it just got tiring because i suck at saying no, and i’d try to tell her what i’m explaining to u guys (or whoever is reading this) but she said i’m not introverted because i’m not as shy as her (lol). and so then it kind of started to make me pull away bc i felt rlly overwhelmed. she also would never leave when i wanted her to and would just sit in my car not getting out, and also on new years she got mad at me because it was 1am and i was super tired and wanted her to leave because i had a paper due in like 2 days that i’d procrastinated. i know it might seem bad because i was essentially ditching her for school work but it was super late at night and i’d been planning this for a while. and also her parents are rlly homophobic and conservative, so she’s said certain things before that turned me off, and also it made me feel scared to be in this relationship if we had to hide it from her parents (and she didn’t want me to tell my parents so i was kind of lying to them in a way??? idk i normally tell my mom everything but i hadn’t been telling her this which made me feel bad). so then after a while we decided to officially date as girlfriends, but the next morning (this was the beginning of march i think or end of february by the way) i felt this horrible gut feeling telling me that i wasn’t ready for a girlfriend and i just didn’t want to be with her anymore. so i told her immediately because i didn’t want to lie and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us, and it was over text so it was bad to begin with, but i told her the truth and she got super upset and of course hurt by what i said, and ignored me for a week, and then we met the next weekend for breakfast and she just told me how she didn’t want to go back to fwb without being official and she tried to convince me to be her girlfriend and didn’t understand anything i was explaining as to why i wasn’t ready for that. and she didn’t want to go back to just being friends either... also keep in mind she is a year older than me. so then she started saying things that i do which annoys her, and claimed that she wasn’t a priority because i wouldn’t drop everything to be with her. but school and work come first before doing fun stuff for me. i feel like she didn’t understand how important doing well in my studies is and i can’t just be her girlfriend whenever she wants, i have to be my own person and make time for myself. so then she made me feel real shitty, and had her mom come pick her up (she doesn’t have her license so i drove us places most of the time). and i was just really upset and then she slowly went back to being friendly again, and we hung out one weekend and she took an edible when we went to the movie theater, but ate the whole thing and then we had to leave because she was like seeing weird shit and shaking, and so i just had to take care of her basically for a couple hours. and then she said some rude things to me and was like “i feel so immature i’m sorry”... but in the past i’ve had to babysit her whenever she got high. so then afterwards we were fine for another week and then she asked to hang out one weekend but i said no because i was busy and had to prepare for finals, and then she straight up just wouldn’t talk to me and gave me the cold shoulder, pretty much ignored me for a solid month. didn’t even tell me happy birthday???? when it was obvious she knew because she saw posts my friend made abt me, and then put stuff on her story abt how she’s in seattle we her other friends? like... ok. and it hurt me rlly bad she was treating me like that, so then she wrote me this long letter and gave it to me in class just like explaining why she wouldn’t talk to me, and said a bunch of excuses and then wanted to know if i still wanted to be friends, and also told me she had my birthday present and didn’t forget about my birthday. and i waited a week because i had a bunch of other stuff happening in my life, and she told me not to tell anyone about the letter or show it to anyone and of course i went to my therapist bc i didn’t know what else to do. and meanwhile during the time we’ve been together she had been telling some people about us without my permission and i’m not out at school so it made me really upset and felt like i couldn’t really trust her. so then she texted me and asked for the letter back, and i gave it to her the next day and told her that she decided we were no longer friends when she ignored me for a month, without telling me anything like she needed space or something... and she said that she just “couldn’t” talk to me, and that it she didn’t make that decision, but throughout our entire relationship i had always been the one to make decisions. i told her she did make that decision whether she wanted to or not, and she said “well fuck you” and walked away, leaving me shaking and close to tears. and then i moved tables in our art class. and on the bus home a few days later she sat next to me and started asking me to explain stuff i didn’t answer from the letter and i told her no and that i didn’t owe her any explanation and she got mad at me and then when i tried to tell her how outing me isn’t okay she said “well it’s my story too so i can tell whoever i want” and when i wasn’t acting how she wanted she started crying and told me she’s lost like 15 pounds because of stress and she has no one to talk to abt it because of her parents prejudice, but she had already told me before so i tried to tell her how shitty she made me feel, and then got off the bus and said “i’m seriously just done”... also we were becoming friends w this one guy who she told abt us and he previously used gay as an insult which seriously sucked and so got upset abt it but got angry that she told him abt us anyways bc i felt uncomfortable w him let alone all those other people know. and he doesn’t talk to me anymore and neither do any of her friends so i bet they all hate me lol. and we didn’t talk for the rest of the year, except when she asked for polaroids back that she gave me on valentine’s day ??? and then she graduated and i blocked her on all social media and her phone number.

so that is p much it !! sorry it was a lot and i hope u can understand it, and also sorry for run-on sentences.... and spelling errors... omg

8/23/20 3:02am, sunday

think i have been going abt the way i talk & interact w ppl wrong. feels shitty that as an adult i am still so repressed. a lot has to be unspoken bc maybe i dont have words that other ppl want to hear. & otherwise i had always been scared to say what i mean. thinking today abt what it might be like to be honest w ghosts. maybe they would materialize but i wont try.

we would go to stone valley. him & i. somehow its hard to admit thats who has lived in my head for so long. i really don’t much remember what he looks like, only photos. or that feeling of being so enchanted. the heartbreak, numb, is still familiar. i think its on my mind bc i reread ganbare nakamura kun yesterday & the furious rewriting of truth inside the head (is it just me? they couldn’t.. wouldn’t... would they?) made me feel so sad. i was thinking when he feels rejected on the school trip, when hirose seems to enjoy the company of everyone else, nakamura goes to the aquarium alone anyway to see the cute octo. & he has this happy face. & he finds tako & its so cute & he becomes so frustrated, upset. of course things would end up this way. & thats where my story ended. but hirose appears, paid the entrance fee & tells nakamura he is funny & charming, & reveals an intimate moment of i would rather be with u. 

the wind would blow across the water. my hair would be pulled up into a messy bun, or maybe i would just clip back the sides. i might pick him up, but i would have to practice the route. he would say, woah... you’ve changed. i might say... im not sure. is that okay? & there’s no way to say no. so we would end up by the reservoir, & i might ask why he agreed to meet me, or he might ask why i wanted to see him. i might tell him how i felt that year. how i was so upset to watch him graduate. i guess i think he would be uncomfortable around me. & i might tell him i dont have any expectations. i just wanted to see him again.

writing & rewriting endings (continuations) is a strange strategy i don’t know how to feel about. i thought deeply about it first reading eve ewing’s poetry guided by hui ying. i guess most happy stories feel like rewritings already. like there’s what an author who lives a lovelier life would expect to happen to them. but for me it wouldn’t happen that way. & that’s why i find it difficult to rewrite my own stories- because they wouldn’t happen that way. & i want them to be anything but real so bad. the real story is much more mundane & painful. so to rewrite my stories into mythology or whatever else carries a lot of weight. like, of course representations are easily imagined to be perfect, full of vigor & triumph & diversity & heroes & villains & lessons but it doesn’t make sense to me to deform my past into smth worth ingesting. its yucky to share the dirty & ugly feelings i have had as well as a sanitized retelling. maybe i just want to tell a story full of monsters.

ive started drawing a little but even that imagining of a representation is icky to me. i guess thats why i think i can only draw myself- bc im not a representation. that my image can literally be a version of me flattened onto a page. & thats different from designing characters to fit an ideal image for a story. i guess i am very unideal for my tragedy lmao. i will draw tmrw.

some updates abt the summer: - hate texting/msging ppl. did it rarely but somehow felt like a lot - sad that i don’t know what ppls lives are like who i care abt & that is a shameful contradition bc clearly i dont care if i dont know & dont want to ask but i dont want to ask bc that already embodies the contradiction of not knowing but wishing i knew - rly lonely sometimes. like now writing abt him & regretting how i have gotten to this point in my now 20′s without building the beginnings of any future that has love in it, friends, partners, comrades, children, guardians, mentors - looking forward to umibe no etranger movie i guess. tbh i rly dont like the manga characters but the art is cute i guess & voice acting from the trailer is pretty precious. been reading a lot of bl these few days & i think it is the most interesting part of my life. cis women can write these dramatic narratives abt what is feels like to be a queer boy in love. it is so easy & pleasurable to abuse imagined beings. i have to write vestigial bodies this year.  - alice is home this weekend. we celebrated dads burthday today. i think 56. mom and dad both say they are not old, & alice was quick to agree. i think it is convenient for her to not have to see them every day & think abt their futures. alice made drinks & i made spocy ramen around midnight & i think this is the type of carefree activity i miss indulging in w friends, ppl who i want to eat well & be happy & see their beautiful faces & talk abt everything w. friends is such a bad, generic word. - school starts in two weeks i think - idk what else. had a period of rly enjoying the sunrise & running outside, but i am back in the slump. its so difficult to wake up when i dont know why i would want to do that shit. lol. its always not so difficult anymore once i am awake but i realized i am so upset when i am tired, & im just used to living with those feelings until i pass out. i dont need more than 8 hrs a day to feel happy but its difficult to stop the slump from making its nest - pastimes r watching one piece (im on episode 500+ & i cannot multitask when reading subs), reading bl, playing botw, playing w myself, & eating i guess. i also read sula in one day bc i wanted to prove to myself that i still knew how. obsessive. comforts & pleasures > coping. our brains r wired so weak by scarcity relations. & also idk... adhd & ocd tendencies + anxious obsessive & depressive obsessive.

goals for the end of this year i think: - 80 pgs of lianhuanhua type graphic novel - vestigial bodies essay on virtual pleasure & bodily rejection (pain, deterioration, abuse, freakishness) - maybe centered on some media? not sure yet.. thinking abt video games & comics as virtual life where representations replace bodily function, distance pleasurable simulated outcomes w the body that produces unpleasurable irl outcomes - visual novel in febuilder if i figure out what i want to do with gameplay. - learn blender. maybe construct one scene