#i stayed up all night to finish this. and now i sleep.
Text
Salt and Pepper
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x female reader
Summary: dad bod and insecure Hotch. That’s it.
Tags/warnings: SMUT (minors do not engage please). Very dirty and domestic sex; body worship; established relationship; insecure Hotch; season 12 Hotch; his body is described; reader is the same age as Hotch <3; lots of body fluids whoops.
Word count: 3k
Author’s note: another repost. This was written in first person pov originally so I changed it to second person. Hope you enjoy! (because I certainly did while writing it 🤭)
HOTCH MASTERLIST | MAIN MASTERLIST
Something Aaron does as soon as he joins you in bed is find your cold feet to keep them warm.
You’ve always teased him about how he was a human heater. During the winter it was a blessing, pressing your entire body against his so he’d share his warmth with you all night.
During summer... your feet are still cold, but it was a whole different story. Hotch’s body heat tended to be overwhelming at times. Even when you pulled back every blanket, you’d still wake up sweaty and the fact that his body always finds yours, forced you to sleep completely naked.
Not that he minded, and neither did you. You complained to him in a playful way how unfair it was that he still refused to sleep naked like you, but you always managed in one way or another to at least make him take off his shirt.
Tonight was one of those nights.
80 degrees, 10:47PM—feet still cold—and you’d just gone to bed after finishing a long day full of household duties. Like always, Aaron took his late-night shower that helped him sleep better and joined you, wearing a white T-shirt and loose boxers, and drying his hair with a towel.
“Hi.” He hung the towel on the headboard and slid inside the bed covers with a smirk across his face.
You returned the flirty smile but said nothing, adjusting the pillows and giving him your back. He chuckled as he wrapped his arms around your waist and curved his body onto yours. A perfect fit.
“What did I do now?” He murmured next to your ear, the scent of soap and fresh minty breath fanning your cheek.
“We didn’t call the service center to get the air conditioning fixed.” You half-turned your body. “I’m convinced you pretend to forget because you want me to sleep naked.”
“Mmm,” he hummed and smiled into a soft peck. “You caught me.”
You knew he was teasing you, so you received another gentle kiss by cupping his cheek with one hand.
It was a goodnight kiss for the first two seconds, but then he opened his mouth a little and made it more intense by timidly brushing his tongue across your top lip, then a little more and more. The hand that rested only on your belly roamed up and found your breast, brushing his thumb over your soft nipple and making it hard within an instant.
You adored it whenever he took the initiative.
“Are you in the mood, Aaron Hotchner?” You murmured against his lips.
“Yes.” He smiled then nibbled your bottom lip into a needy kiss again at the same time he pinched your other nipple, making it just as hard as the other.
You let out a quiet whine to let him know you were in the mood too and pressed your back more onto his torso when he began to grind against your ass slowly; you couldn't ignore his bulge pressed against you and the pulse in between your legs popped up right away, slowly growing painful.
It was definitely going to be one of those nights that he ended up completely naked.
You reached behind you and palmed him over his boxers and there he was, his hardening cock filled your entire palm. You started to stroke him over the fabric as he sneaked his fingers in between your legs from behind.
Lazy sex was a favorite for both of you—especially after a long day—so you stayed there, pressing yourself against him, your head turned to him while the kiss was all tongues and harsh breathing.
“Take the shirt off,” You ordered, swallowing thickly in need of air.
“No, it’s fine like this.” He almost cut you off, capturing your lips into a wet kiss once again.
You whined into his mouth when he slowly circled your clit with two fingers. “But I want you naked.”
When it was something quick and desperate, you didn't mind that he’d keep some clothes on, but tonight you had all night – and the next day off. You turned around completely and touched the soft muscles under his shirt, never breaking the kiss.
“Mmm,” he hummed a bit annoyed when you began to lift his shirt.
“What is it?” you pulled back.
“Nothing, it’s just—” He shut his eyes in deep thought and licked his lips, slightly furrowing his brows and clenching his jaw.
You knew that face very well. He was feeling insecure. It hadn’t happened in a while but you knew how to erase those negative thoughts he had about himself with only a few words and touches.
You pulled the bed covers all the way back and hooked a finger on the waistband of his underwear, lifting it up and letting it go. It snapped against his skin. “Off. Now.”
Without a word and a smirk that said it all, he obeyed. Next thing, he was exposed to you, his hard cock naturally curving against his lower stomach. You bit your lip at the beautiful sight and stared for a moment. One of his arms pulled you close by your waist and he kissed your temple. You cuddled more onto his body, nuzzling your face on the crook of his neck while giving him wet kisses at the same time you caressed his length with the pads of your fingers, making him buck his hips up slightly as he threw his head back, hissing between his teeth. You grazed your fingers through the trimmed hairs around his cock, enjoying the feel of short curls and soft, burning skin—building his anticipation.
“You’re so hot,” You whispered against his ear, moving your hand higher to lift his shirt up. “Touch me.” You spread your legs open and guided his hand right where you needed him the most. “Feel what you do to me?” The only response you got was a harsh breath while his thick fingers spread your arousal, lubing you all over with his entire hand, almost. “How wet you got me with just a kiss?”
“Yes,” he barely said.
“I want you.” You pulled his shirt over his head with his help giving him an assuring look. “Always.”
He tossed it to the floor and enveloped you into his arms going for a hungry kiss, almost covering his body with yours. Then you finally fisted his strong cock. He was so hard. So thick. So smooth. And you needed him so badly.
You let out a needy whine into his mouth to let him know how much you truly wanted him and slowly began to stroke his cock, pumping up and down with short movements. You placed a gentle kiss on his cheek before resting your head over his chest and stayed there as you pleased him, his low grunts right there next to your ear.
The view of his entire body was glorious. You kept stroking him, moving the skin down a little lower each time until the head was fully exposed. You had to squeeze your thighs together to relieve some of the aches that increased just by the memory of his cock inside you.
He was still somewhat tense, though, and you felt this sudden urge to show him how you loved his body just how he was–how horny he made me. You’ve loved every phase his body has been through, loved it when he was fit when he went through a rough time being at his thinnest but you couldn’t deny that since he put on some healthy weight it had done nothing but wonders in every aspect.
His clothes fit better, his cuddles were even more cuddly, and sex—even when it’s always been mind-blowing—the feeling of his bigger body changed it for the better whether he was on top of you, behind, the side, or under.
He was the most fascinating creature.
“Touch yourself,” You murmured in his ear, letting go of his cock to run your hands over his stomach and chest.
His hand went to fist his erection without hesitation. Of course, him being him, the pace increased violently and fast. And the more he stroked the more his stomach rose and fell as his breathing grew harsh. His other hand caressed you the entire time, going from your waist down to your ass over and over, mimicking in some way the hand rhythm he kept around his cock.
You placed a soft kiss on his already sweaty chest and he hummed with such pleasure when you moved a little lower, kissing his left nipple and sticking your tongue out just a bit to tickle him. His nipples were very sensitive and though he’d never said it, you knew he liked it when you spent some time licking and kissing them because instead of stopping me, he’d dig his fingers into my body just as he was doing it now. So you moved your attention to the other, this time giving it an open-mouth kiss.
Then you lowered yourself even more to place loving kisses over his tummy, though your eyes were stuck on how he kept jerking off; his large hand wrapped perfectly around his cock and his wedding band sparkled with the soft lights, reminding you how he was yours and only yours.
You kneeled next to him and lowered yourself to spit on the tip of his cock, which he spread along his erection right away, then spat one more time before returning your attention back to his stomach. Licking him, gently biting him with soft pecks in between.
You adjusted yourself next to him again and stayed there for a moment, just being his muse witnessing how he was getting himself off to the thought and sight of you. The look on his face turned you on even more, a soft frown and mouth slightly parted. You loved watching him touch himself while all you did was kiss his body and roam your hands across his torso.
But soon you needed something too and in the next instant, you were straddling him, making him stop all the way to grab you by your hips.
“Keep going.” You leaned down to lick his earlobe and began to rock your hips right there on his stomach.
An instant relieved moan escaped me. This was different.
You’d used other parts of his body to stimulate yourself like that—thighs, knees—but even after all the years you’ve been together, it never occurred to you to do it against the body part that’s definitely been your favorite for a long time now.
And it worked perfectly.
His soft and burning skin combined with the trail of hairs around and down his navel added an out-of-this-world feel that it didn’t take much for the pleasure to build inside your walls, fluttering and clenching and unclenching around nothing.
“Fuck, I’m gonna come already,” you blurted out high-pitched and embarrassingly quick when you felt the pleasure taking over you.
You needed him closer. You lowered your entire body, laying on top of him pressing yourself even more against him, and kept grinding him. It only made him encourage you even more, stealing a kiss and smiling big.
“That’s it,” he whispered, moving his lips to the corner of your mouth and then sucking on the underside of your chin.
He wanted you to come right there on his stomach.
You allowed yourself to lose control, sitting up straight and tilting your hips in every direction as there were only stars in my eyes.
“Ah! Oh my— mmm!” you cried out a long whine, supporting your hands on his chest, digging your nails into his chest.
“God, you’re something else, honey.” Aaron ran both hands up and down your back then squeezed your ass tight and loudly spanked your left cheek once just to go back to jerk himself off hurriedly as if there was no tomorrow, making your entire body shake.
His other hand groped your breasts as he was nothing but low groans, squirming under me. He brought you down to him with one arm and held you tight while hiding his face on your neck. His three-day beard scraped your skin and the curse words he rarely said almost got inked on your skin. You moved a little lower so his cum would land somewhere near you because you needed to feel it. He read you right away and aimed what was left of him to your ass.
Each warm drop tickled you so good. You needed him more than ever now.
“Can you go again?”
He nodded in pain. You reached for his cock behind you and teased yourself in between your cheeks. Then making eye contact you sank on him–slow and deep–both exhaling the same intense breath.
His cock was still twitching. You squeezed around him to feel him even more and stayed there.
“Can you?” You barely asked again.
He reached for the towel over the headboard and blindly cleaned his cum off your ass before flipping you onto your back without a warning, pushing his hips into you as deep as he could be.
“Yeah, I can.” He smirked. Then pulled out, brushing the head of his cock over your clit and smacking it a few times before entering you again with one violent slam that made you smile as big as it made you gasp for air.
“That’s so good.” You bit your bottom lip, and when he couldn’t be any more deep, he let his weight fall over you and started to rock his hips.
Then he went all the way in. Hard—so hard.
His entire body towered over yours, his broad shoulders and arms flexed and relaxed with each of his thrusts and you clung onto him like a koala, legs, and arms wrapped around him to never let him go.
With your eyes closed, you kept your focus on how good he filled you, how his balls smacked you ass each time he slammed into you and how the wiry hairs of his lower stomach rubbed perfectly against your clit.
You grabbed his face and your mouths clasped together as both were moaning so damn loud.
“You fuck me so good.” You stared right into his eyes.
“You feel incredible.” He brushed his lips over yours as he spoke.
“I do?”
“Yeah.”
“How good?”
“So damn good, honey.”
He captured your mouth again and slam after ruthless slam sank you into the mattress even more and god, how good it felt. Almost his entire weight crushed you and wherever his skin touched yours, left a thin layer of his sweat. He kissed you with tongue twice before lifting his torso off you to look down. You did the same and the view turned you on even more; his cock slipping in and out of me, glistening with arousal.
“Look at that,” he murmured at the same time you murmured, “Harder.”
You both lifted our heads and locked eyes. The eyes you fell in love with too long ago and that still lit up your stomach on fire and melted your heart.
He smiled at you, making those lines on either side of his cheeks disappear into those dimples that drove you crazy.
“I love you,” he said before lifting one of your legs up to his shoulder and leaning down again with his forehead pressed on your shoulder and began to plunge into you again.
“Gosh, I love you too,” you responded out of breath. He started to go harder as you’d asked, shoving your hips together.
You moaned in sync turning the quiet night not so quiet and kept going.
Until your age showed up.
“Ah! My leg!” you laughed in pain and tapped his arm when your calf started to cramp. “Put my leg down!” He heard you, but instead, he caressed your calf with his cheek. “Hotch! I’m not that flexible anymore.”
“Sorry, sorry,” he laughed, putting your leg down gently and pressing his forehead with yours.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” you laughed too.
He hummed as he sucked your bottom lip into his mouth and kept the same rhythm, then he did that thing where he rolled his hips so deep–unbearably exquisite. One. Two. Three times before he groaned as he came for the second time now, giving up over you all the way and maintaining short thrusts, emptying himself in you completely.
You kissed his sweaty brow and he was about to get up when you forced him back onto you. “Stay a little bit.”
You wanted him on top of you forever, like this, panting, sweating, and kissing you as if it were the last time he’d do it.
“I’m so in love with you, all of you.” You wiped a patch of sweat off his forehead with your thumb.
His eyes scanned your face up and down but said nothing, he just went back to kiss you.
You stayed there staring at each other and regulating your breathing between more soft kisses until you were finally back in all your senses.
“That was–” he started.
“Hot,” You finished, running your fingers through the salty strands on the sides of his hair that twinkled with the faint lamp lights.
“And amazing,” he nodded as he raised his brows with a laugh, the little wrinkles above them deepening.
Right then, you couldn’t wait to keep growing older with him.
He gave you one last kiss and this time you couldn’t stop him, as much as you wanted.
“Wait, wait, wait! The sheets...” Your voice faded as you were unable to stop his cum from dripping out of you. “I just put them this morning.”
He gave you a wicked grin but didn’t take his eyes off what you knew was his favorite thing about finishing having sex. He licked his lips and brought his fingers in between your legs, spreading his cum all over, not caring at all about our brand-new sheets.
“I can change them again tomorrow.”
#aaron hotchner#aaron hotchner smut#aaron hotchner x reader#aaron hotchner x female reader#aaron hotchner one shot#aaron hotchner fanfiction#aaron hotchner x you#aaron hotchner x y/n#aaron hotchner imagine#aaron hotchner fic
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OMG PART TWO TO 'i dont know you at all' PLEASEEE <33
here to serve the ppl !
i don’t know you at all 🤍 (part two)
lando norris x reader
read part one here <3
summary: lando heals from bad habits as the racing season gets underway (warning for alcoholism)
song: drunk, running by lizzy mcalpine
author’s note: wanted this part to be a little angsty still but mostly sweet too <3 (prob won't do a part 3) also hit 50 followers so yay me!!
word count: 2k
The exhilarating racing season was once again in full swing, providing a much-needed break from Lando's reckless behavior and destructive habits. After his violent outburst where he drunkenly hurled a glass at your head, he had promised to change his ways. And true to his word, he stopped going to wild parties and completely gave up drinking. The apartment was once again filled with a sense of peace, and you found yourself back in the comforting routine of sleeping beside him each night. He seemed like the same old Lando that you had always loved, but you couldn't help but feel that deep down, he still struggled with his inner demons of addiction.
As the racing season continued, Lando was once again fully immersed in his career. Every weekend, he was out on the track, pushing himself and his car to the limit. You loved watching him race, feeling a sense of pride and admiration as he effortlessly weaved through the other cars. But at the same time, you couldn't help but worry about him.
You knew that once he got back into the cockpit of a race car, he had no choice but to be sober. You couldn't drink every night and still be healthy enough to be a Formula One driver. And while you were glad that racing forced him to stay away from alcohol, you also feared that once the season ended, he would fall back into his old habits.
But for now, you tried not to think about it and simply enjoyed seeing a glimpse of his normal self again. Surrounded by his friends in the paddock, Lando's infectious smile and carefree attitude returned as he joked around with his teammates and rivals. His world had become solely you and racing again, and it was a relief to see him find joy in those two things.
As Lando sat in his driver's room, getting dressed and mentally preparing for the upcoming Miami Grand Prix, you couldn't help but feel a sense of excitement and pride. This was the second season that you were accompanying him in the McLaren paddock. And just like before, the team welcomed you with open arms, treating you like one of their own.
You sat on Lando's small plush bed as he finished getting dressed, admiring his neon helmet that sat on the table next to you. The bright colors and design always caught your eye, and it was a symbol of his identity as a racer.
“How are you feeling about today?” You asked him, breaking the comfortable silence in the room.
He turned around to face you, a small grin on his face. “Not too bad,” he replied. “The car felt good in practice and Quali, it's got the pace to win.” You nodded, knowing how important it was for Lando to have confidence in both himself and his car. He had been working tirelessly with his engineers to fine-tune every aspect of the car for this race.
“I'm sure you'll do great,” you reassured him with a smile.
Lando's face lit up with a wide, toothy grin upon hearing your words. “I hope so,” he replied, leaning in to give you a quick, tender kiss. Your hand instinctively cupped his cheek, pulling him in for another kiss, this one filled with more passion and desire. As you stood up, you wrapped your arms around his neck, drawing him closer to you as the kisses became more heated. In these moments, all the harsh memories of post-party arguments and unwanted touches faded away. All that mattered was being enveloped in Lando's embrace, lost in each other's lips.
As his lips pressed against your neck, your breath caught in your throat and your heart rate quickened. "I love you," you whispered into his ear, feeling his soft kisses and love bites in return.
His smile was evident even through the passionate exchange of kisses. "You know you mean everything to me," he said in a low, husky voice that sent shivers down your spine.
"I know, my love," you grinned, placing a gentle kiss on the tip of his nose. He had told you countless times that he raced not only to win but to make you proud, and every time it made your heart swell with pride. You could see the positive changes he was making for the better, and it only strengthened your love for him.
As he headed out of his drivers room towards the starting grid, you followed close behind. The atmosphere in the paddock was buzzing with energy and anticipation as everyone prepared for what would surely be an exciting race.
You watched from the McLaren garage as he expertly maneuvered through each turn and overtook other cars on the track. It was clear that he had full control over his car and was pushing it to its limits. With only a few laps left in the race, Lando radioed into his team requesting updates on his position. He was currently in second place, but with the leader's increasing tire degradation, Lando was quickly approaching the opportunity to overtake him.
You gazed on in the paddock watching the last couple of laps unfold. Tensions were rising, and on the second to last lap, Lando finally overtook his way into first place. You felt giddy with excitement, and before you knew it the checkered flag was waved.
This was the first win that Lando had earned while the two of you were in a relationship. You paced down to the podium celebration with the rest of the McLaren crew. Your heart was overjoyed as you bit your bottom lip in excitement.
With the roar of the engines still ringing in his ears, Lando emerged from his car, hastily pulling off his helmet and sprinting towards you and the rest of the team. He barely spared a glance for his colleagues before rushing towards you, wrapping his arms tightly around your waist. Through the metal fence that separated you, he pressed his face into your neck, inhaling deeply as if trying to imprint your scent into his memory forever. "I'm so proud of you," Your voice cracked with emotion as you held him close, fighting back tears. A mental image of Lando stumbling home from a wild party flashed through your mind, highlighting just how much things had changed in the past few months.
“I love you so so much,” His voice was cracking too, and as he pulled back you saw the faint glimpse of tears in his eyes. He grabbed your face and kissed you passionately. Embracing you one more time, he left to go up to the podium celebration.
As he ascended the podium, a triumphant smile lit up his face as he held up his gleaming trophy. He glanced down at you with adoration and blew a kiss in your direction. The sunlight bathed him in a golden glow, highlighting the lines of his chiseled body and the flush of exertion on his tanned skin. He cradled his first place trophy like a cherished treasure, his pride evident in the way he held it close to his chest. Your heart swelled with love and admiration as you watched him bask in the glory of his victory.
The weight of his past struggles and mental battles hung heavy in the air, unseen by the world around him. As he stood on that podium, basking in the love and admiration of those around him, you could only pray that he would hold onto this moment forever. He had endured so much pain and fought through it all with incredible resilience. This race win was a well-deserved triumph, a validation of his strength and determination a thousand times over.
~
As the excitement and chaos of the Grand Prix died down, you found yourself alone with him in his driver's room. The air was thick with tension, and you couldn't help but feel conflicted. On one hand, everyone expected him to go out and celebrate at the clubs in Miami as the race winner. But you knew he was struggling with a difficult decision - whether or not to join the party and risk breaking his sobriety.
"Do you want me to come with you?" You offered, torn between wanting to support him and wanting to retreat to your hotel room for an early night.
As he sat next to you, head low as he muttered “Maybe,” you couldn't help but feel torn. You wanted him to enjoy his victory and let loose, but at the same time, you understood his fear. Your hand intertwined with his, offering support and reassurance.
But as a tear fell from his eye, your heart ached. He sniffed, "I just don't want to put myself in a position where I could hurt anyone." You knew what was going through his mind - the night in his apartment, the pain he had caused you. It was a wake-up call for him, one that he hated but needed. His fear of hurting someone again consumed him, even though he had promised to change.
“It’s okay, I know how hard you’ve worked to change.” You knew your words could only do so much to make him feel better, but you came to a compromise. You would come with him to the club, making sure that he didn’t do anything drastic.
~
As the night wore on, you could see Lando slowly becoming more relaxed and comfortable in the club setting. He mingled with other drivers and even took a few shots of water when they were offered to him. You were proud of how well he was doing and made sure to let him know it. You leaned into him, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek.
He smiled at you, “Thank you for being here with me tonight. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
The two of you danced and laughed together, enjoying the celebratory atmosphere of the club. At one point, Max came over to congratulate Lando on his win and the two of them shared a friendly hug. It was a nice moment that reminded you that even though they were fierce competitors on the track, they were all still friends off it.
As the stars twinkled in the night sky, Lando's infectious laughter filled the air as he walked arm in arm with you back to your hotel room. His warm embrace and the soft hum of a familiar song made you feel at ease and content. As you reached your room, he turned to face you with a genuine smile on his face.
"Tonight was magical," he whispered, pulling you into a tight hug before leaning down to press his lips against yours in a sweet and tender kiss. The moment felt like it could last forever as the warmth of his body and the gentle touch of his lips stirred butterflies in your stomach. "Thank you for coming with me.”
You smiled back at him, “Of course, I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.” The two of you continued kissing until eventually collapsing onto the bed in each other’s arms. You snuggled up against each other as sleep started to take over your exhausted bodies. The Lando you had once loved had finally come back to you. You knew realistically he didn’t need you there at the club to make sure he didn’t relapse, but you were more than willing to support him. “I’m really proud of you, you know.” You told him as your head rested on his chest.
“Thank you, my love,” he replied, his words dripping with sincerity as he placed a gentle kiss atop your head. You were his everything, the reason for every waking breath and every beat of his heart. He would do anything to make you happy, to see that beautiful smile light up your face. As he held you in his arms, he couldn't help but envision the rest of his life with you by his side - growing old together, experiencing all of life's ups and downs together, and loving each other through it all.
#formula 1#formula one#formula one fanfic#f1 fanfic#f1 x reader#lando norris x you#lando norris x y/n#lando norris x reader#lando x reader#lando norris#f1 imagine#f1 fic#f1
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✨Slip Into Me: Part 1 Saved Before Dusk✨
QZ! Joel x fem! reader
Series Masterlist Kofi
A/N: This just stumbled upon me when I was driving home from work this week, so I wrote this in about a day. I’m still not sure how I feel about the first chapter, but I hope you guys enjoy! Thank you to @mountainsandmayhem for giving this a read for me! (I cannot keep up with tags, so be sure to go follow my notifications blog if you want to be notified when I post @mermaidgirl30-updates)
Chapter Summary: You run into trouble with one of the FEDRA soldiers, but a broad, handsome stranger comes along and intervenes.
Rating: Explicit (18+ MDNI)
Chapter Tags: QZ! Joel, outbreak au, FEDRA soldier tries to attack reader, Joel steps in and saves reader, soft Joel, a bit of pining and a little flirting, eventual smut in next chapter, no use y/n
Word Count: 6.1k
Dividers by @saradika-graphics
The Boston QZ is grimy, filthy, overrun with FEDRA soldiers who stalk and parade up and down the city of turmoil. Their tanks fill the streets night and day, ordering people around as if they were their own personal slaves. The buildings are rundown, furniture tattered and torn, bodies filing in and out day after day just trying to survive off the little ration cards they collect every week.
It’s not a place you wanted to stumble upon, not a home at all. But this was where you’d stay for now because your group was all gone, killed by feral raiders who murdered your friends in cold blood. You were the only one left, untouched in an infected world. You were lucky to make it out alive, but at what cost? You sure as hell didn’t want to stay here in this cage. But you guess it’s better than being attacked by infected or murdered in your sleep.
They offered you a little apartment, ration cards for a hard day’s work cleaning and organizing weapons for FEDRA. You don’t trust any of the soldiers, don’t dare look them in the eyes most days, only when you have to. Maybe one day you’ll make it out of here alive, but for now this place is giving you shelter, food, running water, electricity. It sure beats living on your own out in the woods somewhere where no one else can defend you. You’ve learned to be on your own, but that doesn’t mean you like it.
The air is warm as dusk draws near, the summer heat stifling even as you walk through the shade. Your shift is over, dinner gone and finished, so now it’s time to go back to your cold, lonely apartment. Maybe tonight you’ll actually get some decent sleep instead of waking up screaming from nightmares of distant times. You still see faces of loved ones you lost get murdered by infected and raiders, friends starve to death, companions freeze to death. You don’t know how you made it all this way, but you did. You had to stop holding on to the past, it wasn’t coming back for you.
You swipe your fingers against the cool bricks of falling apart buildings, making your way through the narrow alleyway that’ll lead to your apartment building. Just as you pass a stairwell on the side of the brick building, a dark shadow makes its way toward you.
You freeze, stopping dead in your tracks, fingertips still tracing the rough bricks. There’s a tall FEDRA man walking toward you. Navy blue pants, combat boots, a camouflage vest strapped tight to his chest. He looks menacing. Piercing blue eyes narrowing your way, coarse blonde locks that look like pure ice, a large scar running down the side of his dirty neck, and fists locked tight at his sides.
“Hey, girl. What do you think you’re doing out here all alone? Up to no good I suppose?” he asks as he stalks toward you like a hungry tiger, eyes locked with yours as a smirk meets his chapped lips.
You back up to the brick wall, feeling like you could sink like jello into the dusty cracks of the brown faded bricks. You have nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. You’re trapped like a helpless little mouse. “No, I’m just trying to get back to my apartment.”
“Sun’s about to go down, shouldn’t be out so late in the day close to curfew. You’re up to no good, aren’t ya? Trying to sneak around and steal some ration cards?”
“No, I…”
“Don’t lie!” He bites back, jaw seething as he pulls your wrist and clamps down on your skin. It feels like wires setting your nerves on fire, like he’s ripping through your delicate bones.
“Please, I’m only trying to get back. Let me go,” you beg, using all your might to get out of his tight grip.
“I don’t think so, love. Thieves get searched, and I’m gonna search you till I find what I’m looking for,” he snarks.
Before you can fight your way out of this mess, he spins you around and pins you to the wall, slamming your face into the sharp bricks as you cry out in pain. He crowds your body, digging his fingers into your hips as his other hand shoves your face against the searing surface. You can’t break free, can’t fight your way out of this. He’s too strong, too overpowering. You’re completely helpless.
“Please, stop,” you whine, feeling a warm tear slip down your cheek.
“No, I don’t think so, doll. Think I’ll stay right here between your…”
Before he can finish his sentence, you hear a deep gruff voice growl behind you. “Get the fuck off her, Seth.” You feel the soldier’s weight being dragged off you, hear the sounds of a body being thrown into the side of the opposite wall.
You spin around and freeze, watching a stranger punch the soldier’s face with bruised knuckles. The soldier spits blood from his mouth, but the other man grabs the edge of his navy collar and pins his back against the brick wall.
“Think you’re a tough guy, Seth? Think it’s alright to put your filthy hands on her? I’m sure she didn’t ask you to, so mind your fuckin’ manners and keep your goddamn paws off her,” he growls, spitting up into the soldier’s wide eyes.
You don’t know what to do, what to think. All your brain can do is eye the back of the man who saved you. He’s tall, so very broad, wide shoulders, tousled dark curls that probably feel like silk. His green flannel is rolled up to his elbows, exposing cascading veins that drape down his tanned skin, ending in massive calloused hands. His dark jeans are faded, worn brown boots covering his feet. He looks like your knight in shining armor, your saving grace. Why he saved you, you don’t know. But you want to find out, now.
The soldier laughs in his face, but he only grips his collar tighter as he sends another punch to his swollen eye. When he spits more blood, he turns back to your savior and laughs casually like he didn’t just get beaten up. “Fancy meeting you here, Miller. Say, you ever find those cigarettes and drugs we sent you out for?”
He clenches his jaw, releasing his collar so he can push the soldier again against the wall. “Ain’t got nothin’ for you, Seth. You want some, you can give me more ration cards,” he hisses.
The soldier laughs, shaking his head back and forth. “Five,” he wagers.
“Ten,” the broad man demands with narrowed eyes.
He raises his hands in defeat and sighs. “Fine, ten it is. Just hurry up with my order, will ya?”
The other man slaps his face, hard. You can practically hear the split of a rubber band snapping against skin. The soldier cowers over, holding the side of his mouth in pain as he stands back up slowly. “Tell me to hurry up one more time, and I’ll break your jaw,” he seethes. “I’ll do it when I’m good and ready, Seth. You’ll be the very last.”
He narrows his cold blue eyes, pointing a finger accusingly at the man who saved you. “Better watch it, Miller.”
“You threatening me? I shouldn’t be the one that’s careful, you be careful. Wait till Tess hears about this,” he growls with furrowed eyebrows.
Seth backs up all wide-eyed and bruised, like he’s afraid of the name Tess. Before he can get anywhere, the broad bodied man nods his head to him. “Get out of here, and don’t mess with this girl again. Got it?” he growls with the bite of his scowling jaw.
Seth looks over at you and nods before he runs off in the opposite direction, clutching his vest like it’s the only thing keeping him at bay.
He huffs out a deep breath and turns to you, furrowed eyebrows turning into a contemplative, concerned expression. Your eyes go wide, taking in the front of his face for the first time. He’s absolutely gorgeous. Dark brown eyes that look like pools of honey hone your vision, sweaty, tanned skin glistening in the fading light of day. His dark beard is threaded with silver, a strong jaw set with plush lips that half open when he looks at you. He’s the most handsome man you’ve ever seen, and he’s so fucking broad. You decide then that his eyes could kill, they could devastate anyone in their wake by how beautiful they are. Warm chocolate eyes flecked with wisps of honey brown. Absolutely breathtaking.
“You alright there?” he asks with concern lathered in his voice, careful with his large steps as he walks up to you.
“Oh, I’m… yeah, I’m fine,” you breathe out, suddenly forgetful on how to take deep breaths. Your heart is racing wildly, you swear it’s about to fly out of your chest.
He reaches out, but stops himself. Instead, he just points out the left side of your face. “Your face. You’re hurt,” he says with a scowl, clenching his hand into a tight fist at his side like he’s furious at the soldier for hurting you.
Your hand shoots up to the side of your face, and that’s when you feel it. The blood, the aching feeling of having your face bashed into the hard bricks. “Ahh, fuck,” you whine, hissing when you try to brush your fingertips over the swelling area.
“Here, c’mon. Follow me. I’ll get ya taken care of. I’ve got supplies back at my place. Can fix ya up in no time,” he offers as he nods his head for you to follow. You stay put, weighing your options. You don’t know this man, but he saved you, so he must be safe.
He takes a few steps forward and turns back around when he doesn’t see you following. “You comin’?” he asks with hope in his brown eyes.
You take a moment to breathe and then nod, agreeing to go with him. “Yeah, lead the way.”
You follow after him, letting him lead you away from the narrow, dark alleyway. When you get on the sidewalk of the main street you notice he walks on the outside of you, like he’s shielding you from any other soldiers who might give you a hard time. You don’t know why he does it, but you owe him a huge debt now.
You cross your arms over your teal t-shirt, looking up at the tall man who saved your life while he leads you to building two where he must live. You’re about to speak, but he beats you to it. “You know, you shouldn’t be out alone when the sun’s about to go down. A bunch of no good soldiers swarmin’ the streets here. What were you even doin’ out?” he asks, turning to a stairwell where he leads you up to the second floor.
“I was just heading back to my apartment. I got a late start with work today, had some things to finish up.”
He hums, looking back at you with furrowed brows. “Next time walk back with someone. Seth ain’t the only lowlife soldier. Gotta be more careful,” he tsks as he takes out a golden key in the pocket of his denim jeans.
You sigh, feeling as if he’s somehow blaming you for not knowing the safety rules around here. “Look, I’m new here. I didn’t know any better. I was just trying to get back to my place. I didn’t… I didn’t…”
“Whoa, hey. S’alright. Nobody said you did anythin’ wrong. I’m jus’ sayin’ watch yourself. Alright?” he asks with his hands raised, like he means no harm.
You drop your guard and sigh. “Sorry, just a little on edge,” you mutter.
“Don’t blame ya one bit. Now, c’mon. Take a seat at the table. I’ll get you a warm washcloth,” he instructs as he opens the rusted red door, the hinges squeaking while you make your way into his little apartment.
He shuts the door, and you take in your surroundings. The walls are covered with chipped white paint, the kitchen tiny, a little solid wooden table surrounded by two brown dining room chairs. The living room is open, a sunken leather couch with a broken coffee table sitting in the middle of an old, threaded blue rug. White satin stain coated curtains cover the glass window, and light shines dimly throughout the small apartment. It’s worn down, but it’s cozy enough.
You make your way over to one of the chairs, slowly pulling it back as to not make it drag across the hardwood floor. When you get comfy in the back of the chair, you watch Joel disappear into the other room, listening to the trickle of a running faucet while the bathroom light shines down the narrow hallway.
You fidget your fingers together, tapping your foot nervously on the dusty floor. You’re in his apartment, the man who just saved your life. And he’s tall, broad, and devastatingly handsome. His looks could surely kill a man with just the gaze of those dark flecked eyes. He had danger written all over those honey colored eyes. Eyes that could eat you alive.
He comes back down the hall a minute later, tan washcloth in hand, flannel sleeves rolled up to his elbows, corded veins skating all the way down to his massive hands. You’re nervous just by those large, thick fingers grasping the washcloth. You wonder what they’d feel like on your skin. Maybe like burning fire, hot charcoal, extreme heat rushing off his rough fingertips. He might feel like wildfire.
He pulls up the kitchen chair across from you and grunts when he sits, like his whole body hurts from the weight of working in the summer heat of the QZ. “Look up for me,” he requests, sliding his chair a tad bit closer to yours, enough to brush his knees against yours.
You gasp when his fingertips meet your skin, his hand cupping your chin and turning your injured cheek to where he can reach you. You were right. His fingers do feel like wildfire, calluses gliding against your smooth skin as he gets a good hold on you. It’s almost enough to send you jolting from the chair.
“This might sting a bit. Jus’ hold still,” he says gently, a deep voice escaping behind plush lips. You wince a little when the warm material meets your wound, but you relax when he gives you that certain look that says be still.
You hiss a little at the contact of the warm cloth across the scrapes on the side of your face. He makes eye contact with you and asks with those deep brown eyes if you’re okay, stopping his movements for just a second before you nod and let him continue.
From here you can see how clear the dark flecks in his eyes shine, a faint red scar above his right eye, silver threaded coarse beard that looks almost soft to the touch, and pink lips that look so inviting. He watches you study him, his own eyes flicking back and forth from your injury to your eyes, silently assessing you with a wary stare.
You see it in his eyes, he’s curious about you, maybe interested, but he doesn’t give much away. You see pain behind those dark irises, a worn body just getting by in the QZ day after day. You don’t know him, but you can tell this much. He’s reserved, quiet, careful, a man that keeps his guard up. You’d like to see behind those walls, if only for a moment. See what all he’s really been through.
After a couple more seconds of silence he finally talks. “You new here? Haven’t seen you around these parts before.”
You nod, watching him trace the edges of the warm washcloth across your cheek. “Yeah. Just got here a couple weeks ago,” you murmur, clenching your jaw when he rubs against a really sore area of your cheek.
“What the hell brought you here?” He says it rough, like he can’t believe anyone would ever dare come here by their own will.
“Raiders attacked my group. I was the only one left alive, and I just sort of stumbled upon the QZ gates. One of the soldiers found me and offered me a place here.”
He hums, dark eyes assessing you slowly, sliding down your body briefly as something twists in your stomach at the sight of him really taking a good look at you. “M’sorry ‘bout your group, but I’m more sorry you ended up here in this hell hole. FEDRA runs this place, and none of ‘em are remotely friendly. Especially Seth.” He spits the name out like it’s poison on his tongue, and you see he can’t stand the man that attacked you.
You purse your lips and ask him the same. “And you? Why are you here?”
He drops the washcloth from your skin, clenching his jaw as he stares with a hardline drawn on his forehead, shaping wrinkles across tanned skin. “That’s a long story that I don’t feel like answerin’ right now.”
Before he brings the lukewarm washcloth back up you grab his wrist, preventing him from lifting his arm further. He stares at you, eyes partly narrowed, challenging you to ask him again. “At least tell me where you’re from. Your accent, are you from the south?”
He leans back in his chair and sighs, nodding his head slowly. “Came from Austin, Texas. And you?” He raises his thick eyebrows like you owe him the same gratitude of telling him where you’re from.
“California. Northern part,” you answer, listening to him hum once again until he brings the washcloth back to your temple.
“You’re a little far from home ain’t ya?” he asks quietly while he brushes the soft material over your face.
“Unfortunately,” you mumble under your breath. Another flick of those pools of honey your way and you see a hint of concern, maybe even sadness buried in those flecks of darkness. He seems to have so many layers to him. You want to unravel them, unfold every piece and dig into his past, his present, his mind. And maybe you’ll get there, one day. Maybe, just maybe…
You suddenly realize you don’t even know his name, how have you not asked him yet? You heard the soldier say Miller. Maybe that was his last name.
You pick at the fading denim of your jeans and raise your eyes to his hesitantly. “Your name. I didn’t catch it.”
Another brush to your raw skin, and his soft brown eyes meet yours. “Joel Miller. And your name is?” he asks with a piqued interest, raising his eyebrows slightly. You tell him your name and he says it back to you slowly, another flick of his dark eyes over your body. Like he’s memorizing you entirely. Your name, your shape, your essence. It makes the room sticky and hot at the sight of his eyes exploring you, even if it means nothing.
“Joel…” you repeat, slowly spilling the syllables off the tip of your tongue.
“That’s right…” He says your name again slowly, like honey dripping off his warm tongue, every murmur and gruff sound making you a bit dizzy.
“You’re gonna be alright. Might bruise up a bit, but nothing that’ll last long. Gonna be sore tonight, jus’ clean it good and keep it dry. Ain’t gonna scar over,” he says as he nods to your face.
He cups your chin again, turning you slightly to him as his calloused fingertips brush a strand of hair behind the slope of your ear, breathing down your neck as you finally smell him. He smells woodsy, summer sweat kissing the air, cheap whiskey filling your senses. Then he looks deep in your eyes, one hand falling slowly to the top of the table, fingertips curling over the scratched wood, his jaw flexing as his eyes travel down to your lips for just a second, a breath in time. And suddenly you’re frozen in place, waiting for something to happen, something that shouldn’t happen. He wouldn’t, he’s not…
Another soft graze of his rough knuckles to your cheek and then the front door slams open, sending both of you back in your chairs.
“Joel! Got some information for you about the drugs we gotta… Oh.” She stops in the doorway, eyes wide as she looks at you, surprised Joel has company. She’s tall, thin but built with muscle. She’s strong, long brunette hair, and hazel eyes clouding her vision.
“Joel Miller has company? Who might this be?” she asks curiously, slamming the door shut with a bang as she folds her arms over chest and nods your way.
Joel introduces you two, and you quickly learn her name is Tess. “Nice to meet you, Tess,” you say with a small smile, your arm resting on the edge of the table.
“Likewise. What happened to you? Looks like you got knocked up pretty good there.”
“It was Seth. Fucker had her pinned against one of the alleyway walls and was givin’ her trouble,” Joel spits as he flashes his incisors Tess’s way.
“That piece of shit. Wait till I get a hold of him, gonna make him wish he never saw the light of day,” she scoffs.
“He’ll be running for the hills, Tess,” he chuckles as he places his meaty hands on top of his large thighs. “What’d ya need?”
Tess leans up against the fading wallpaper and throws him a pack of chewing gum. “Found this when I was outside the walls today, but just wanted to check in about tomorrow. Wanted to go over the plans before we head out in the morning. I can come back later though and discuss it.”
Tess’s hazel eyes wander over to you, and she gives you a welcoming smile. “So, how long have you been here? Not long because I would’ve noticed a new face.”
“Just a couple weeks. Just getting settled in,” you reply as you play absentmindedly with your hair.
“Where do they have you working at? I can always stop by, give you some tips, show you around the area. I’m sure you could use a friend.”
You nod and smile up at her. “Yeah, thanks. They’ve got me working down at the weapons station. Cleaning and sorting and whatever else they tell me to do.”
“I see. I’m sure that gets redundant and boring, so maybe I can show you a thing or two to not lose your mind in this shithole,” Tess replies, making her way over to Joel.
“You’re lucky this one was around,” Tess says with a firm slap to Joel’s back, stifling a grunt from him as he pushes Tess playfully in the arm. “Joel can be a real pain in the ass, but he’s sure nice to have around.”
“Yeah yeah, shut up. Thanks for the gum,” Joel chuckles as he pushes the pack of Spearmint gum into the pocket of his jeans.
“Sure thing, handsome. I’ll see you later.” She waves and gives you a nod before heading out the door. “Welcome to the Boston QZ again.” Tess makes her grand exit and shuts the door loudly, her footsteps fading into the distance.
You twist your hands in your lap, suddenly overstimulated by the presence of an intimidating woman who clearly gets her way in the QZ. You wish you were stronger, braver, more outspoken like her. And clearly she knows how to pull Joel’s strings. You’re not jealous of her, only slightly envious that she has Joel hooked around her finger.
“She seems nice,” you say slowly, looking over at Joel as he laughs at your words.
“Yeah, she ain’t too bad. Trust me, she’ll be having Seth shakin’ like a dog out in the freezin’ rain,” he chuckles.
You laugh at his words, but suddenly you’re asking something you shouldn’t be. “Are you guys like… together?” you ask nervously, gulping down the rest of your words as you hold your breath like you’re underwater.
“Me and Tess? Nah,” he laughs, shaking his head at the mention of it. “She’s my neighbor. But we work together, she’s my partner. We smuggle things for FEDRA.”
“Smuggle things?” you ask, confused by what he means.
He leans forward and places his hands on the table. “Yeah, smuggle things. Items, sometimes people, whatever they need. We go out on a bunch of missions. Searching abandoned buildings, makin’ trades, doin’ deals with folks around here and for some of the soldiers. Kind of an easy way to get extra supplies and ration cards.”
“So you’ve got sway with the soldiers here?” you ask curiously.
“More or less. Tess is the one with the real sway, but I guess you can say people kinda fear me. They don’t really mess with me. Hell, they know not to.” He knocks his knuckles against the edge of the table, and you reach up to scratch your face, wincing when you forget how god awful sore it is.
“Shit, I forgot about my face,” you whine, gripping the edge of your denim tight as you sink your nail beds into your thigh.
“Careful there, try not to mess with it,” he warns softly, bringing back the cool washcloth to your scratches. You sit back and let him tend to your wound, watching how careful he's being with every swipe of the cloth to your fragile skin.
He’s close again, close enough to where you can smell him, inhaling the woodsy scent as summer sweat mixes with the pinecone scent. You could get drunk off the smell, and you really hope it’ll stick to your clothes when you’re back in your apartment, alone with your delusions of having his large hands all over your skin.
You watch the way his large biceps cling against his flannel shirt, like he’ll rip the soft material at any given moment. His knees brush against yours, fingertips grazing your jawline like the edge of a soft feather, enough to send tingles down your spine.
“Is it just you here?” you ask while he holds the damp cloth to your cheek.
“Jus’ me,” he murmurs, dark eyes flicking back to yours.
“Do you have family around. Anywhere?” you ask cautiously. His jaw clenches, and his lip quivers while he analyzes the question, figuring out if he wants to answer or not.
He sighs, “I’ve got a brother. Tommy.”
“Here?”
“Nah. Haven’t talked to him in years. Last I heard he was settling in Jackson, Wyoming,” he mutters, clearly annoyed about the topic of conversation.
“Why don’t you go find your brother?” you ask, conflicted if you should continue the questions.
“It’s complicated,” he grumbles.
“What’s so complicated?”
“He’s halfway across the country.”
“So?” you say mockingly.
“So? That’s a hell of a ways to go to find someone that I’m not sure even wants to see me,” he says with gritted teeth.
“Joel, I’m sure he wouldn’t be upset. What makes you think he wouldn’t want to see you?”
“We got into a bad fight, and we weren't agreeing on some things. Turns out we wanted different things, so I told him to leave, and he went. Followed some fireflies, hell if I know how long he actually stayed with them,” he scoffs, digging his worn boot into the wooden floor.
“Fireflies?” you ask with wide eyes.
“That’s what I said,” he grumbles with furrowed brows, getting annoyed with you already, but you just keep talking.
“Oh, that’s… well, that’s something. But I’m sure he’d want you to try to reach out. Would you go, if you thought he would? Do you have any other family?” you ask intrigued, pulling yourself to the edge of the seat.
He leans back and drops the washcloth to the table, sighing as he pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance. “You sure do ask a bunch of questions, don’t ya?” he huffs, crossing his arms as a hard line maps across his forehead.
“Well, I’m just saying. If I had family still alive I sure as hell would go find them, not stand back and watch them slip away from me! I fucking wish I had mine!” Your words come out louder, harsher than you mean to, and Joel’s just sitting there, staring at you with wide eyes and an expression you can’t quite read.
The room is suddenly silent, only the sounds of your labored breathing and teary eyes fogging up the room. You shouldn’t have snapped, shouldn’t have thrown that back in his face. You shouldn’t have pried, now look what you’ve done. “Sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t mean to say it like that.”
He opens his mouth partially, big brown eyes lathered in concern holding your gaze. He looks like he understands your pain, maybe just a fraction of that. But he doesn’t share it with you. “S’alright. Don’t gotta apologize. Think we both jus’ over shared a little too much.”
You nod, biting your tongue from saying anything else stupid. What’s wrong with you? “Yeah, guess so.” You take a deep breath, hearing him scrape his chair back while his left arm rests on the edge of the table.
You see it then, a black military watch clasped to his wrist, the glass broken and arms not moving on the watch. It’s broken, just a mere memory of some sort that you want to unlock, but now is not the time.
“Think I should get you back to your place,” he says in a deep voice, one that says he’s finished talking about family matters.
“Yeah, okay,” you say quietly.
“Where are you stayin’ at?”
“I’m in building four.”
“Alright then. That ain’t too far. C’mon, I’ll walk you back. Make sure no soldiers give ya a hard time,” he says through clenched teeth.
“Joel, wait.” Before he can push himself up, you rest your hand on top of his, feeling his warm skin simmer underneath yours.
He stares at your hand on his, ticking his jaw nervously as his brown doe eyes fall back on yours. “Thank you, for today, for saving me.”
“It was nothin’, don’t mention it,” he murmurs, sliding his hand out from under yours, memorizing the way his hand feels like fire underneath yours, mourning the loss of his skin on yours.
“I owe you.”
He looks at you with a serious gaze, his thick fingers clamping down on the material of his flannel. “Don’t owe me a damn thing, sweetheart. I’d do it all over if I had to.”
Oh.
His jaw twitches, amber eyes glowing into yours, a sudden tension filling the room. It feels a lot like longing, understanding, some kind of connection. But the spark of it snaps when he pulls back his chair and stands, nodding for you to follow him. “C’mon, let’s get you back before we break curfew.”
He leads you out of his apartment, down the rickety stairs and steers you through the winding buildings, avoiding FEDRA’s eyes on the main road. His fingertips brush against yours as he walks briskly next to you, staying near and looking every which way as to not have another run in with a soldier.
The city is musty, old brick buildings barely staying intact. Military tanks litter the streets while old broken down cars sit to rot around the QZ. You stay close to Joel, keeping quiet as he concentrates on getting you back to safety.
You should be grateful to him, you are grateful. He saved you, even though he really didn’t have to. He took care of your wounded cheek, made sure you got back to your place safely. You were eternally grateful for the broad man that showed you kindness when no one else did in this godforsaken city. Joel was a good man, as far as you could tell.
He leads you to your building, the one with the number four painted in white on the side of the old bricks. Your room is the first door on the right, a chip right next to the jiggling door handle.
You turn around and face him, leaning up against your solid oak door as you look up into those dark brown eyes you’ve grown accustomed of thinking about too much. “Thank you, Joel. For everything. Really, I owe you.”
He chuckles, running a hand through his tousled curls as he smiles a crooked grin your way. “Gotta stop sayin’ that, sweetheart. You gave me company, I’ll call that even enough.”
You swallow, nodding his way. “Alright then. I guess I’ll let you get back before they catch you outside your apartment.”
You turn around and twist the door handle, pushing it open until he stops you in your tracks and places his fingers around your wrist. “Wait a second.”
“Huh?” you ask, whipping back around to find him digging inside his back pocket and retrieving a little switchblade in his hand.
“Here.” He stretches his arm out and holds out the knife, nodding for you to take it. You just stare at it, your mouth open wide without even taking a step forward to take it.
“Well, go on. Take it.” He steps forward, brushing against your knuckles as he pries your fingers open and drops the knife in your palm, closing your fingers over the switchblade so you have no option but to keep it.
“Oh, no. Joel, I can’t. This is yours,” you argue.
He tsks your way, clicking his tongue and urging you to listen. “Keep it, I’d feel better knowin’ you had somethin’ to defend yourself with. Ya know if someone tries to mess with you again. Jus’ be careful with it,” he instructs.
You open your palm and assess the bronze blade, tracing the cold edges, watching the glisten of the sharp tip reflect off your eyes. You close it up and slide it in your pocket, looking back at Joel with a wide smile. “Thanks, Joel. You didn’t have to.”
“I did and stop thankin’ me. I’ve got plenty more where that came from. Jus’ want you to be safe is all,” he murmurs, his deep voice carrying through your ears as he pushes his hands nervously in his jean pockets.
“Oh, I see.” Your voice comes out in a mere whisper, but he hears you through the hot wind that blows against your hair.
“Jus’ watch your back, okay? It ain’t easy around here, and you can’t trust anybody.”
“What about you?”
He knits his brows together and gives you a tight lipped smile. “You can trust me, sweetheart. Ain’t gonna hurt ya.” He cups your chin, rough fingertips meeting your soft skin. It almost feels electric, like his fingers are magic, and maybe he is. That’s what he feels like.
His eyes hover over your lips for just a second, peeling them back up to meet your wide eyes. He’s got a soft side to him, something someone would miss if they weren’t looking close enough. You have a feeling he doesn’t let his guard down with just anyone, but with you he did, if only for just a few seconds.
He drops his hand from your chin and steps back, keeping his eyes aligned with yours. “Guess I’ll see ya around,” he says, stepping back away from your apartment.
“Yeah, guess you will,” you breathe.
He nods your way and gives you a small smile. “Have a good night, trouble.”
“Trouble?” you question, laughing at the accusation.
“Yeah, that’s what I said. Trouble,” he chuckles as he makes his way back through the narrow buildings, disappearing with one more glance your way, capturing the deep brown eyes that look your way, memorizing them, burning them in the backs of your eyes so you can remember every fleck and sparkle of those sweet honey eyes.
You walk into your empty apartment and close the door, kicking off your shoes and dragging yourself to your falling apart mattress. You collapse into the cool white sheets, closing your eyes and replaying every glance, every touch, every word of you and Joel’s time together. You don’t know what’s come over you, but you clearly have fallen for the broad shouldered man with beautiful brown eyes.
Maybe the QZ wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe it wouldn’t end you like you thought it would. Maybe just maybe Joel would be your saving grace. Maybe those honey glazed eyes would haunt your dreams until you saw him again. And that’s exactly what happened that night. All you saw were crystal clear brown eyes and tousled curls tracing through your fingertips, sheets drenched in the summer sweat of him. You knew then that you were fucked.
Tags: @milla-frenchy @amyispxnk @sawymredfox @aurorawritestoescape @akah565
@rav3n-pascal22 @keylimebeag
#joel miller#Joel miller x reader#joel the last of us#post outbreak joel#outbreak!joel#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller x female reader#joel miller fic#joel miller fan fiction#joel miller pedro pascal#protective joel
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Amanda Rolins x reader (brief mentions of Amanda x Nick)
Warnings: language, alcohol consumption, it's hurt/comfort but mainly fluff, if that makes sense? LOL.
This has been sitting in the drafts for a very long time and I think was a tipsy idea while watching old svu ideas that got jotted down and then added to bit by bit. I'm not sure if I'm totally happy with it, but I was determined to finish it and this is what we're left with. Basically Amanda deserves all the proper love and affection. The end.
You’d had a thing for Amanda for a while, it started out as a physical attraction that morphed into friendship, someone you enjoyed spending time with, someone you didn’t mind getting trapped in a car on stakeouts with. You shared interests, had similar coffee tastes, were both dog people, preferred take out to cooking and could spend hours watching trashy reality television. All it took was one night at a bar with a few too many beers and a few of your favourite songs on the dance floor to lead to a hot and heavy make out session that ended tangled in the sheets of Amanda’s bed.
When it happened a second time she felt a little bad, letting you know that while she was being safe, you weren’t the only person she was sleeping with. In return you let out a small laugh, telling her that it was clear as day her and Nick had something going on and you had no concern if she was hooking up with him too. With that conversation out of the way you were free to continue on with your random casual nights together. Some nights you’d end up with Amanda, others you’d go home alone and sometimes you’d find your own fun elsewhere, there were no hard feelings or sense of jealousy between either of you.
You slowly watched as Amanada started to slip under Amaro’s charm spell, ever the girl who wanted to be the fixer, the problem solver, do it on her own big sister. As his parenting relationship with Maria got worse her desire to be the one to help him through it grew, wanting to be there when he needed someone, no matter what the context was. Some nights he wanted to drink, to vent, talk things through with someone who could stay somewhat neutral and not argue with everything he said. Some nights he wanted to just forget and those were the ones he always went to Amanda for. The deeper he sank, the more entangled she became and he pulled her right down with him.
When it came to your relationship with Amanda, you truly never cared, even if she was leaving your living room because he called. The night he showed up at Amanda’s when you were there you were the first one to pour him a drink and toss him a smoke, reminding him how much relationships can suck. You continued to be Amanda’s friend, trying to support her through the entire ordeal while she was giving Nick her all and letting herself derail in the process.
“Thanks for meeting me.” She huffed, sliding into the bar stool beside you and you could tell she was pissed.
“Don’t worry about it. What’s up?” You asked, sliding her a shot that she threw back faster than you’d expected.
“Fucking Nick.” She grumbled, signalling the bartender for another round, “I get that he’s going through it but isn’t he supposed to be arguing with Maria?”
“’Manda…” you cautiously warned, “is he taking this shit out on you now?”
“He’s not doing it on purpose.” She defended, “he’s just so fucking irritable now. Everything’s an argument, he either wants to drink in silence or fuck.”
“I think it might be time for you to step back, let him cope on his own.”
“No, it’s fine. He needs someone to talk to and I know I can get through to him, I just need a little bit longer, really get under his skin.”
“Then maybe try to do it without pushing all his buttons?” You offered and she rolled her eyes, only half offended.
“It’s the easiest way to get him actually talking, I thought maybe a different emotion would come through this time.”
“Just be careful okay. I don’t want you getting too deeply wrapped up in all this and then end up being the one licking her own wounds afterwards.”
“I’m a tough kid,” she shot you a grin, “I can handle it.” Her phone buzzed on the bar top and she let out a sigh, throwing back another shot of whiskey before scooping up the device, “duty calls.”
You watched her pick up the phone as she disappeared out of the bar and let out your own sigh, wondering if you were going to be down a friend by the time all of this sorted itself out.
Two months later and you didn’t have much left to wonder about as Nick was gone, leaving the squad to relocate across the country in LA with his new family. You’d watched Amanda when he made the announcement to the team but she didn’t even flinch, a soft smile on her face knowing that he would be happier out West. His last few weeks it was as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, the stress evaporating as he finally found where he truly belonged.
Amanda felt lighter too, that sense of having to consistently check in and make sure someone was okay floating away with the summer breeze. She was able to relax, get up early enough to spend her mornings running through the park with Frannie and finally catch up on all the reality tv she’d missed. And this time the evenings on your couch were free from any and all interruptions. She wasn’t sad, she knew that everything happened for a reason and that her situationship with Nick had an end date all along, but there was a part of her that missed her friend, her work partner and that was what you could feel floating off of her.
She hadn’t been mopey about it at all, but there was still a sense of melancholy in the air as the commercial break played. Your arm was strewn across the back of the couch, Amanda tucked into your side, letting out a little sigh as she relaxed deeper into the embrace. You instinctively pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head,
“You wanna talk?”
“No.” She mumbled back, “I’m fine, swear. Just been kinda moody recently, dunno why.”
“You’re allowed.” You replied, your arm squeezing her softly before your finger curled under her chin, tilting her face up to yours, “you want me to help you forget?”
“Yeah?” Her brow raised in your direction, a gleam in her eyes as her lips curved up into a grin, “what’ve you got in mind?”
“Well…” you leant down, pressing your lips to hers, your teeth nipping at her lower lip, smirking at the way her breath caught in her throat, “I was thinking for starters that I could fuck you so good you wouldn’t even remember he existed.”
Amanda laughed softly, catching your lips in another kiss, “I certainly like the sound of that.” It only took a moment before your tongue slipped into her mouth as you caged her into the couch, a hand already creeping under her shirt and the television (among other things) were long forgotten.
And just like that your sexual affair with Amanda was sparked right back up again, your relationship skyrocketing from barely seeing each other to spending practically every night tangled in each others bedsheets. Though there was something different this time, nothing was holding either of you back, there were no other outside players, you spent nearly all of your time together now. Partnered up at work meant your days were spent together, the pure carnal desire for sex meant nights were shared, and what was left was evenings to devour takeout on the couch while the tv played and coffee in the park with Frannie on weekend mornings. Amanda would often catch herself with a dopey smile on her cheeks while she watched just how comfortable you were in her home. How you treated it like your own, you never had to ask questions, you just new exactly where everything was. A warmth would bloom in her chest every time your hand found hers, glancing up to catch the soft smile on your cheeks before you’d make a kissy face in her direction.
Not only was she finally starting to feel whole again, she knew that the reason was you, that you were the one who had been making her whole all along. She wasn’t quite sure what real love felt like, but she was certain it had to feel something like this, you were always there for her, you supported her in whatever dreams she wanted to explore, you helped ground her when she needed to be brought back to earth. You made her inescapably happy and she was noticeably more relaxed and joyful whenever you were around. She couldn’t be totally sure without asking you, but she was pretty confident that you shared similar feelings by the way you’d let out a small laugh and you cheeks would tinge whenever she caught you staring at her.
Amanda wanted you, that was for certain, and she wanted a future with you, to face life together as a team, grow old with you and spend the rest of her life happier than she ever had expected. But she suddenly had a piece of baggage that was a very big deal breaker and that’s why her heart was pounding out of her chest when she finally summoned the courage to knock on your apartment door.
“Hey.” You greeted as you pulled the door open, “didn’t expect to see you tonight, it’s late.” You stepped back to let her into the apartment and Amanda felt frozen on her feet, completely unable to move as she let out a shuddering breath and you noticed the tears in her eyes. “Whoa, what’s going on? Are you okay?”
Amanda shrugged, flailing her hands as she did her best to keep her emotions inside, her lip quivering as it attempted to all spill out.
“C’mere.” Your voice was impeccably soft as you wrapped an arm around her shoulders, guiding her into the apartment and over to the couch. “You wanna drink? I’ve got an open bottle of pinot.”
She shook her head and you dropped down onto the couch beside her, your hand finding hers, linking your fingers as your thumb stroked across her knuckles. She took a minute, taking deep breaths to try and calm herself down and once she was sure she wasn’t about to burst into tears she finally looked up at you.
“I fucked up.” She admitted, a tear escaping to glide over her cheek. You were quick to reach out, wiping it away as you cupped her cheek, your thumb stroking soothingly. The tenderness made her heart swell even more and she let out a shaky sigh, “I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you and instead of having the balls to say it I screw it all up like I screw everything up.”
“Amanda…” you started softly, a warmth beaming from your eyes toward her as you squeezed at her hands, “you didn’t have to say it, and I doubt you’ve screwed anything up, just talk to me.”
“I want to be with you, this is so much more than just sex to me and that alone is scary enough.”
“It doesn’t have to be, because it’s always been more than just sex, we were both too nervous to admit it.”
Amanda sniffled, wiping away another tear, “fuck.”
“What’s going on Amanda? I adore you; I want to be with you too, I see a future with you, a future of us, I even referred to you as my girlfriend earlier this week so I don’t see what the problem is. We practically live together already and—”
“I’m pregnant.”
She had to get it out before you listed another ten reasons that you were perfect for her, that you would be perfect together, she couldn’t bear to hear all of that only to have you walk away in the end. She risked a glance up, her teary eyes meeting yours as your head tilted slightly.
“Oh. Okay,” your voice somehow got even softer, “have you thought about what you want to do?” You asked, your thumb continuing to soothingly brush over her knuckles.
Amanda took a breath, ducking her gaze, “I can’t just get rid of it, no matter how hard I try to think about it, that’s just not me and once it’s born I don’t think I’d be able to give a baby away.”
“Have you been to the doctor yet? My sister’s OB was fantastic, we could set up an appointment next week.” It was Amanda’s turn to look up at you with a quizzical expression on her face, watching as you glanced around your apartment, lower lip tugged into your mouth, “your place is bigger, extra bedroom and all, I’ll talk to my landlord about getting out of my lease.”
“Wait, what?” She asked and you looked back towards her.
“A newborn’s a lot of work, I’d want to be around as much as possible and like I said we practically live together already, why bother renting two places?”
“I’m confused…” she admitted with a small laugh, “I thought you were going to break up with me, not suggest moving in together.”
“Why would I break up with you?”
“You said you didn’t want kids…” She shrugged and it was your turn to let out a little laugh.
“So did you.” You squeezed at her hand, “but surprises happen and this can be a little happy one for us. I wasn’t adamant on not having kids, they just weren’t a big priority for me.”
Amanda chewed on her lip, her hands fidgeting in her lap as she tried to make sense of everything flying through her head at the moment, “but why change your mind for me?”
“I didn’t change my mind per say, life just presented me with an opportunity and I’m choosing to take it, because I want to, and I want to be with you, because I’m in love with you.”
“Really?” Her eyes were wide when she looked up at you and you giggled, the warm smile remaining on your cheeks.
“Of course I do, you doof. C’mere,” you tugged on her hand, effectively pulling her into your lap and she let out a little surprised squeal as her knees settled on either side of your legs. One of your arms wrapped around her, the other cupping her cheek, “you’ve always been my best friend, and I’ve always loved you like that. I’ll admit I was a little scared of falling in love with you another way and losing what we had, but it looks like that was the perfect thing to let myself do because I love what we have now, what we will have in the future.”
“I love you too.” She finally uttered the words and felt a weight lifted off her chest, a small smile breaking onto her cheeks and you leant up, kissing her softly. Amanda melted into you, her hands looping around your shoulders as your lips moved with grace together. You barely pulled away from the kiss, her forehead resting on yours as you kissed the tip of her nose and she let out a happy hum. “You make me so fucking happy, happier than I ever thought I could be, and I never thought I was gonna find something like that.” This time the tears blurring her eyes were ones of joy and they matched the ones forming in your eyes.
“And now you’ve got even more than that,” you smiled, “because we’re having a baby.”
“We’re having a baby.” She replied in a whisper, a smile etched permanently across her feature and she laughed softly as you stole another kiss. “Are you still gonna love me when I look like a beached whale?”
“Of course, I’ll even rub your feet and hand feed you grapes.”
“Promise?” She asked with a grin and you laughed, kissing her once more.
“Cross my heart.”
The warmth Amanda felt blooming through her was like nothing she’d ever felt before and she knew that in that moment she was exactly who she was meant to be, and exactly where she was meant to be. She knew she was safe, cared for, she had someone who had her back and always would, someone who loved her and truly meant it when they said it. She felt at peace, and most importantly, at home.
Because being anywhere with you meant she was home. You were her home, and that was all she needed.
____________________
@mickey-gomez @hbkpop @bisexualcrowley @red1culous @imlike-so-gaydude @altsvu @lesbianspacecowboy @wannabe-fic-reader @gaylorrds @beccabarba @mysticfalls01 @alexbllake @infernumlilith @australiancarisi @wandas-wife @emskisworld @samwithnoplan @multifandomlesbianic @sia2raw @dxtery @anlin2058 @itisdoctortoyousir @alexxavicry @daddy-heather-dunbar @evilregal2002 @7thavenger @m00nkn1ghts @sapphicprentiss @geekyandgay98 @onmykneesformarvel @desperate-gay @kmc1989 @irishavengersassemble @noahrex @temp0rary-bliss @wittygutsy
#amanda rollins#amanda rollins x reader#law and order svu#svu#law and order#law and order special victims unit#home
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My favourite author is Iris Murdoch.
I don't think I have favourites in any other category, it feels like a bit of an artificial concept usually, but it would be silly to deny this one. I was halfway through my first Murdoch novel (at age 20 or so) when I felt certain I was going to have to read them all (there are 26). My feeling was that I would have stayed true to that even if every other book she wrote had been terrible. I'm sure that's not true, but I say it to illustrate that she inspired a deep and irrational loyalty in me very early on that hasn't waned over time. I've been reading between one and three of her books per year since I started, deliberately spreading them out so as not to deplete a valuable resource too soon, although presumably I'll just start rereading them at the same rate after I've finished. I've read 21 out of 26 so far.
Maybe someday I'll have something to say on here about what draws me to her books so strongly. Not right now though. What I want to say today is that I usually like her opening lines very much, she often starts with some very punchy compact moment that feels weirdly complete already even as it clearly stands in need of unpacking, if that makes sense to anyone else. This post is going to be simply a compilation of some good ones. Let's say 10 of the best, in no particular order.
I'm defining "opening lines" as not literally just the first sentence but enough to cover the first self-contained "moment" of the book, which is a bit of a judgment call for sure but you can be confident I've judged correctly in every case. For The Philosopher's Pupil (but no others) I've blatantly cheated by entirely skipping a sort of prologue chapter because I think the opening of the next chapter is both more opening-like and more compelling, I acknowledge that this is illegitimate but you'll just have to deal with it. Okay here goes.
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The Unicorn
'How far away is it?'
'Fifteen miles.'
'Is there a bus?'
'There is not.'
'Is there a taxi or a car I can hire in the village?'
'There is not.'
'Then how am I to get there?'
'You might hire a horse hereabouts,' someone suggested after a silence.
---
An Accidental Man
'Gracie darling, will you marry me?'
'Yes.'
'What?'
---
The Bell
Dora Greenfield left her husband because she was afraid of him. She decided six months later to return to him for the same reason.
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The Philosopher's Pupil
I am the narrator: a discreet and self-effacing narrator. This book is not about me.
---
Bruno's Dream
Bruno was waking up. The room seemed to be dark. He held his breath, testing the quality of the darkness, wondering if it was night or day, morning or afternoon. If it was night that was bad and might be terrible. Afternoon could be terrible too if he woke up too early. The drama of sleeping and waking had become preoccupying and fearful now that consciousness itself could be so heavy a burden.
---
The Sacred and Profane Love Machine
The boy was there again this morning, and the dogs were not barking.
---
A Fairly Honourable Defeat
'Julius King.'
'You speak his name as if you were meditating upon it.'
'I am meditating upon it.'
'He's not a saint.'
'He's not a saint. And yet—'
---
The Message to the Planet
'Of course we have to do with two madmen now, not with one.'
'You mean Marcus is mad too?'
'No, he means Patrick is mad too.'
---
The Red and the Green
Ten more glorious days without horses!
---
The Sea, The Sea
The sea which lies before me as I write glows rather than sparkles in the bland May sunshine. With the tide turning, it leans quietly against the land, almost unflecked by ripples or by foam. Near the horizon it is a luxurious purple, spotted with regular lines of emerald green. At the horizon it is indigo. Near to the shore, where my view is framed by rising heaps of humpy yellow rock, there is a band of lighter green, icy and pure, less radiant, opaque however, not transparent. We are in the north, and the bright sunshine cannot penetrate the sea. Where the gentle water taps the rocks there is still a surface skin of colour. The cloudless sky is very pale at the indigo horizon which it lightly pencils in with silver. Its blue gains towards the zenith and vibrates there. But the sky looks cold, even the sun looks cold.
I had written the above, destined to be the opening paragraph of my memoirs, when something happened which was so extraordinary and so horrible that I cannot bring myself to describe it even now after an interval of time and although a possible, though not totally reassuring, explanation has occurred to me. Perhaps I shall feel calmer and more clear-headed after yet another interval.
#sometimes you gotta make a too long post that's entirely just for you you know?#nohopereadio#uninteresting#iris murdoch
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i couldn't pick just one or two :']
#bweirdOCtober#oc-tober#im not tagging all of them LOL#my ocs#my art#kisses them all on the head very gently#rip all the ones that got cut in the process#anyway. my wrist is in agony and i stayed up all night finishing this. worth it >:]#now to sweet sweet sleep i go before i start noticing any mistakes
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patrick and teresa are so pathetically in love atp homegirl really wanted him to protest against the idea of her moving to dc with marcus and felt lowkey disappointed that he actually supported the idea 💀 but it was so painfully obvious that he wasn't comfortable with that but he didn't wanna interfere with her decision bc although he doesn't want her to be away from him he just wants her to be happy and he knows marcus is treating her right and he's probably thinking "oh he's so much better for her than i could ever be" and 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 fuck this show i haven't cared this much about a ship in YEARS
#calli watches the mentalist#it's been a while#stopped watching it a few months ago but then my therapist asked me if i had finished it#and when i said no she encouraged me to do so bc it'd be good to have a moment to relax#so she suggested watching it before bed#bc allegedly watching an episode of something before bed could help me sleep better bc i'd be more relaxed#i don't think she was counting on the heatwave making me sleep all day and consequentially stay up all night though#my blood pressure goes 📉📉📉📉📉 when it's too hot and i end up going 😴😴😴😴#anyway i'm rambling. guess i'm sleepy now#but i'm staying up until 12 pm i can't miss soobin's cover#🌙.txt
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the horrors are never ending (all the uni work I’ve procrastinated that’s finally catching up to me)
#finished one paper only to remember I have to write another? tf????#I’ll deal with it tomorrow now I need sleep I’ve stayed up for 28? hours? too long too long#I was silly and stayed up all night intending to write my paper but only started at 7am like? I could have slept what’s wrong with me#just kept closing and opening tumblr all night like actually a new low for me#dels endless rambles
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A
#rant#a rant feel free to ignore meee#why are all my current hyperfixation GONE NOW#i am ill#i cannot sleep#I’m physically and mentally unwell#i just finished 300+ episodes of bluey#i caught up with Markiplier’s fnaf security breach ruin playthrough#i caught up with project sekai events en server#i have nothing to do#it is that time of the morning where not sleeping after waking up at 5pm makes you go insane and everything is worse#and everything hurts bc I’m ill#but I am unable of fixing my sleep schedule without trying to stay awake all night and all day#and I have to fix it before my family goes holiday#AJAKSLDLLE#why is it that 7am you feel just fine and dandy#9am rolls around and your head took it as a personal attack#brain no longer capable of producing the happy it is time to complain about everything#very sorry for posting#i am tiredddd#could the body comsider#not hurty#i scream to the void like no one is watching#sorry if you are lol#what is the meaning of life if there is no hatsune Miku tho#how am I to cope when no HATSUNE MIKU#AAAAAAAAAAAA#personal
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problematic hypocrite’s gotta ✨problematic hypocrite✨
#not included: phase 3 in which i manage to consume the media and just pop back in like ‘sup guys what did i miss👀’—#trying to avoid shin jidai spoilers be ✨suffering✨ i just don’t wanna waste the money i splurged on the dvd lmao#i just need something to look forward to today but aaaaaaaaaaaaaa#man i really should’ve just gone for my med checkup yesterday now i gotta rush _(:3 」∠)_#and i regret taking a nap this evening bc now i can’t sleep and i need to get up in 2 and a half hours dammit#idw to suffer at the clinic for the whole day [cries in having read the clinic reviews on google]#i’m literally in tears brain let! me! sleep!!!!!!!!!!!#i should probs do that ‘stay up all night to recalibrate my sleep schedule’ thing again before i start working…#but the last time i did that i forgot how to sleep and i spent like 2 hours laughing maniacally before i eventually collapsed#2018 was a weird time… _(:3 」∠)_#ughhhhhhh anyway aside from shin jidai the next thing i have to look forward to is finishing chapter 8 of idol sengen#after that chap loserxloser gets to be yeetedxyeeted into side characters!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!! so sick of them fr#what was the point of this again? eh well. be sure to get enough rest and stay hydrated ok~? it’s important!!!!!!!#inedible blubbering#deus ex asuna (of fruits☆sugar)#dhl said no shin jidai rights
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got everything done that i needed to today but not as much as i wanted to :’D
#translation: i went to bed stupid late last night got to work late today - only had 1 lil thing left to do that was due tonight#did it! have one last big VERY IMPORTANT assignment due on friday that oh shoot i should get started on#since i got the bigass pile of work i had due on sunday done a with a really nice chunk of time to spare!!! wowie!!!!#i took forever to actually get.. gOING on working on that today. just. ahaoauasghhgbhhs.#and then after finishing that 1 whole introductory powerpoint slide i went to take a shower. got out relatively quick-ish...#and then oh shit oh fuck spent the next ummmm 3 hours doing Nothing hHGHGF#granted i only had like maybe an hour or so (AT BEST) of Meds Working time left but still ahgsfdbnmbn#i always tell myself... i'll go take a shower and i Won't Be Like That when i get back. and then nUUHHGUH lol.. f#anyway nothing sucky but hoooo boyyy i feel way too like. calm? good? y'know when you finish a ton of stuff#and it went WAY better than expected.... and the NEXT STUFF you have to face you feel very um#well off? on? like yeah i'm gonna tackle that no prob it's all gonna be good BUT AT THE SAME TIME#IT'S LIKE. IT'S NOT THAT IT FEELS LIKE A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY PER SAY. MORE LIKE#ME @ MYSELF ''DO NOT GET COMFORTABLE DO NOT GET FUCKING COMFORTABLE YOU ASSHOLE THHAT';S HOW YOU PISS TIME AWAY-''#lmao#anyway. hii#😊 it's almost 2 AM now what teh fvuck#i need to finish eating and go to bed in a min.. i'm. i feel like i very much do want. would like the sleep yeah#do not stay up stupid late watching netflix like last not dO NOT STAY UIP LATE BC NETFLIX AGAIN
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Me: I need something crazy to happen to tire me out so I can fall asleep in time to wake up well-rested at 6AM
Spider in my bed: say no more :)
#i literally JUST showered and now i’m covered in sweat from waving a vacuum around and yelling. great!#i would’ve put it outside but it was huge and i didn’t want to touch it and also it was NOT cooperating#it was like ‘i am sleeping in this bed tonight’ and i was like ‘no the fuck you’re not. i need to be up at 6am’#let it be known that i will kill in cold blood any creature that tries to interfere with my sleep. including spiders which i actually like#most of the time anyway#and well. now i think i’ve given up on trying to sleep well. because i know i won’t#it is going to be 19 fucking degrees all night and i need to drink iced water to cool down#and also so i don’t wake up with a dehydration headache#so this means i am going to need to pee about 8 times tonight#and i brought my writing notebook to bed with me so i can go to sleep without screentime#(ignore the fact that this post is coming to you live from a screen)#so that’s pretty much going to mean i either end up staying up til 2am having amazing ideas#or writer’s block hits HARD and i read the odyssey instead#OMG did i mention i bought emily wilson’s translation!! i haven’t yet finished the introduction but i’m so excited about it#it’s such a gorgeous edition as well. i look at it and i’m like ‘yeah. this is how this ancient epic poem was supposed to be presented’#apparently she’s going to translate the iliad as well and i cannot wait#so that’s where i’m at right now. i also think i’ve pulled something in my knee. so uhhhh#i am going to have an absolutely miserable day tomorrow but it’s fine. they’re not even going to give me the job probably. but it’s FINE#i’m FINE#personal
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i try to make ONE innocent comment about star trek to my sister and end up learning that we have in fact read the same fanfic
#this would not be that odd except that it's a pretty long fic#and as a general rule i don't actually read much fic#what she is only now learning in these tags#is that the first time i read that fic i literally stayed up all night to finish it#i did not sleep#and yes you read that right#'first time'
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...
#i have so much focus ability rn wtf why cant i be like this all the time?#after weeks of being too depressed and out of focus now im like a fucking laser#it hasnt tipped out of control yet. usually when i can focus it goes too far. it is sorta on the edge tho#like kinda wanna just stay up all night getting stuff done. just slightly too much energy but im going hiking tomorrow so i gotta sleep#ugh thatll be a waste of focus time tho :-(#well at least my mood is up bc i also already found out that the project i was proposing at the school i was interviewing for was rejected#i dont feel too bad abt it tho. im not surprised. theres still a slight chance i could join the lab on another project but idk it might#be complicated with me being an international student. i just feel bad abt wasting the guys time tho#at least he likes me enough to still pull for me to join his lab. hes been v resposive too. maybe theres still a chance#i actually like this other project more than the one i proposed lmao. but cant get my hopes up lol#i have to finish all my other fucking applications lmao. me and my million applications#pls someone accept me. i promise ill interview better in future lol. at least i got further than the 15 other ppl who applied#i think they only accepted 2 projects#ah well. well see how long my mood holds out. i gotta get these manuscripts done#unrelated
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proud of myself for not pulling an all nighter last night to try and finish something that was due tonight, because i really just needed to go to bed lol
#especially proud of myself because i came home took a quick nap and then actually worked on the assignment that's due tonight!#and i got it done just in time#i still stayed up way later working on homework last night than i wanted to#but getting this done now is such a relief#especially because my first class tomorrow is cancelled#so i'll be able to get a little more sleep#which i desperately need#i was so anxious about this paper but it wasn't actually as bad as i thought it would be to finish#i was worried i'd procrastinated too long and that i should have just done it last night but i had enough time to do it tonight#if only i could actually focus and stay on top of things all the time#it's so hard to do that#i'm going to take a short break and then get to work on the thing that's due tomorrow morning
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Cannot wait to move back to college
#cw negativity#to delete#im so frustrated#nobody listens and everything is always a personal failing.#here I am with three weeks until I go back and i gotta write two 10 page papers. that's already stressful.#so one parent nags me once a day and the other blows their top whenever they feel like it because theyre not done yet#why aren't they done? I'm working through shit from the traumatic bullshit of the year. this is a horrible work environment. I'm burnt out.#but no. go off about how I'm lazy despite straight As and never having had this issue in all my years of school.#i can't fucking sleep. my house is full of distractions but so is everywhere else. there's nowhere to work.#got kittens & im absolutely terrified theyre gonna die horrifically (thats totally not a trauma response from holding my dead cat for hrs)#I've been explaining I can't work without a desk since i was nine and yet there is still nowhere to work. kitchen has no wifi. bed has bed.#(my lil bro got a desk in 2020 except it's covered in his junk & in the living room where everyone always is so I effectively can't use it)#nobody else does shit w the kittens so they're always high energy. keeping me awake @ night. getting me up early. horseplay w each other.#trying to explain that im constantly overwhelmed by the environment gets me nowhere#trying to stay home when everyone else does things gets me nowhere#now im going to see my aunt & grandmother for a week because my gma is looking bad & she's gonna go & you're going to make me feel worse#about it??? you know how much I'll fucking hate myself if I don't go and never see her again? over fucking schoolwork???#but thank you for reminding me that I effectively only have two weeks left. very helpful. just what I needed.#and thanks dear parents for never listening when I need you to be understanding. surely if you've finished grieving we all have.#how fucking dare they say im using death as an excuse to shirk my schoolwork. as if im not constantly worrying about it.#as if I don't constantly feel like shit about it. i want my school work done too. i just. can't focus. can't sleep. can't do anything.#and they're completely unwilling to do anything to help me with that.#like fuck i always knew i wasn't good enough for them to actually care but really this is a new low i think.#ugh#i was supposed to plan and research my thesis this summer too. so I guess I'll just be behind this fall too.#best four years of my life huh?#college is a fucking joke with shit like this going on#but at least it's not here.
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