#i should stop dying it too….
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i’m really tempted to grow my hair out again
#it’s mid neck? a little shorter probably but i miss my outgrown wolfcut era#i def need to trim my bangs though#leo talks [🦔]#i should stop dying it too….#self care is so annoying ew#whenever this brown fades out i guess? or i’ll dye it back to black#leo stfu#euthanize me fr i need to stop speaking gibberish at 3 in the fckn morning
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funniest funger 2 characters 11/10 game i haven’t thought abt anything else
#fear and hunger#fear and hunger termina#o’saa#nas’hrah#kida tanaka#marcoh#o’saa’s my favorite character but i can’t wait to see playable/recruitable tanaka#if there’s ever a mechanic to pick up one of the characters (like olivia if she doesn’t have her wheelchair) then tanaka should have too#so he can STOP FUCKING DYING HOW DO YOU NOT KILL HIM#marcoh the boxer#o’saa the yellow mage#tanaka the salaryman#my art
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she was the silliest billy 🥹
#dogs#pets#animals#rip babygirl i love you so so so so much you were better than all of us#jojo#we had to remove all her front teeth not long after we got her bc they were rotted so i have a ton of pics of her sticking her tongue out#she had a sense of humor too btw she was so playful#she was abused in the past so it took her about a full year to trust us but once she did she was so so so loyal and loving#goddd i wanna die i cant believe im like. looking at pictures from two weeks ago where she was running and playful#and in the past week she just. gave up. she just stopped eating and stopped being able to even stand on her own#i had to hold her while she used the bathroom cause she kept losing her balance :(#sorry if this is too gross and upsetting i just. feel like i need to reach out. to anyone#like she was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease with no real chance of recovery several months ago so i should have like#prepared myself. but idk i guess i just had blinders on lol. the vet said his dog lived with it for 4 years before dying#idk. i guess i just thought she could survive longer#pet death#mia.txt#mia.jpg
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I hope people remember.
When Gaza is razed to the ground I hope people remember those who were lost. When the rest of the Palestinians who are being massacred all across Palestine are gone I hope the world remembers them all. I hope those who loved them celebrate their memory.
I hope the people whose hands are coated in the blood of these beautiful, brave people remember. I hope they are haunted by their actions every single moment of their entire lives. I hope they feel the suffering that every single Palestinian felt every second of their lives. I hope it's the last thought in their head when they die.
I will remember. I will never forgive.
#palestine#current events#the entire sky is red in gaza tonight#im trying so hard every day to keep it together but every single day this continues a piece of me is carved out#everytime I think it cannot get worse it does#im so worried that my friend will stop replying to my messages bc shes gone and I wont know it until later#shes a school teacher there#shes the most beautiful soul and im so sickened to think of her being gone#if she is taken from me I'll hate the entire world#and now they've e n tered the west bank and i have family there and I cannot stop thinking every day I'll get the news they are gone too#just like the 50 familes ENTIRE familes that were slaughtered#im so stressed everyday that im physically sick#and like I should be used to this bc this happens every year and im always hearing about someone dying but its never been like this before#never like this#they never saw us as humans and now they are exterminating us#ive looked into those soldiers eyes as a child and I saw no humanity for me there#tw: genocide
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dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!!#i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun!#BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia.#my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door#or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death.........#Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees#old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk.#and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that.#I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway!#wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic.#anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne#is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either)#and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god.#AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :((#2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more.#i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever.#ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop#getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared#okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!
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I love it when "they should be at the club" is like, an actual character dynamic, with person A looking at person B as they work themselves to the bone/throw their own happiness away for the greater good/take on more responsibility than anyone could ever hope to bear and they're just like. Hey. You should be at the club
#ramblings of a lunatic#this is about Barbara Gordon and Cassandra Cain in batgirl volume 1#literally babs is like cass wouldn't it be nice if you did things that normal 17 yr old girls get to do-#-instead of living and dying in your kung fu self hate cycle that will inevitably destroy you???#and cass is like. no#cassandra cain (and bruce wayne) voice:#''everyone asks if there's anyway to stop the self sacrifice spiral never how was the spiral it looked fun was the spiral fun?''#dick is also this for bruce but the club is less literal in that specific sense#(also this is soooo far removed from their canon dynamic. but play with me in this space for a bit-#-this but it's steph @ jason)#(like she realizes he's the same age as cass- she would not have guessed bc he's fucking huge and grizzled-#-and she's like damn. you should be at the club jason-#-just an in passing observation! arguably ribbing him about his melodramatic vengeance quest-#-that becomes a lot harder to take seriously when you remember he's barely old enough to legally drink)#(and jasons just like. what would i even do at the club steph. what part of me seems like a guy who would have fun at the club)#(Jason and Bruce are both too autistic for the club. cass is the right amount of sensory seeking autistic to get something out of the club-#-but really babs should be taking her to a mosh pit for maximum enrichment. she'd thrive)#ANYWAY. having a moment ignore me#my previously obtained ibuprofen is the last defence against me and certain doom (sore throat oof ouch)#like that meme of the soldier with knives and bombs in his back protecting the sleeping child#point being idk how long it'll last so i should sleep sooner rather than later to get the max benefits
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🚬🧸🧃🎀
#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance#so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life#and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future#so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D#what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk)#i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it#i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months#then i'll start my other 4 classes in january#i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery)#(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..)#also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt#if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may#if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless#i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university????#i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education#bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it#also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move#i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!!#but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try#i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?
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imma keep it real with u guys idk how im gonna stand the anxiety this semester . and i must stand it i have no choice
#grin and bear it. i am so TIRED of grinning and bearing it#actually im not grinning . im glaring to stop my eyes from watering or staring at my hands fidgeting while i bear it#university is just like. i dont belong here. i shouldnt be here. ur all so passionate abt this and i didnt even do the reading.#im too scared to make eye contact or talk . and then i get sad and insecure abt always being the odd one out. while i glare at the floor#every semester i say my name and lie and say sheher pronouns and it makes me taste bile. and i cant stop sweating. and i hate it here.#someone has to sit right next to me and suddenly my breath probably stinks. i probably stink. my skin looks so bad. my hair looks so bad.#and i stare at my lap and see my big ass thighs and im like Oh yeah im a woman. thanks i hate it. if i dont wear a binder i feel sick#if i do wear a binder i cant breathe and cant stop sweating#im tense all day. my whole body hurts. im too anxious to eat. i should bc my stomach will growl.if i eat my stomach will gurgle loud anyway.#i need to get out of here. im so close to the end. ive been dying inside for years. ive never been anything but a student. im terrified.#🙂#u know. its like that#x
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Hiyori is the most effective person to complete their kill so far
#kid is having flashbacks over struggled breathing and silence its so over.... omg that was so good.....#nvm kid has TWO women on his crew... he is on par with luffy now... law... 👁👁#omg her arm is broken..... THE BONES???? jesus#good technique but what is law cutting..... now thats something else big mom..... damn... cant law shambles kid out of there.... poor man#oh that was a good one law.... but kid is OUT also WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT SWORD GOING????? he is getting haki punched all over the body...#and what does that do law.... what the hell.... oh i was thinking that..... goodbye big mom.... funny how all of the big guns have been yee#ed of the island.... also wdym to be continued.... goddamn. well next episode then#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1066#i have been saying kid should have repelled her out of the island 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ can't help it if my brain is so big..... well nvm...#big mom saying they like her.... jusg like kaido said to luffy akdhsk#oh jeez soul pocus.... oh nvm CORA INSPIRED ATTACK????#yamato be careful omg.... fuck it kanjuros fire thing is dying hell yes.... BIG MOM OUT!!! HELL YES!!!!! 67 children orphaned just like tha#also who was the brave soul that asked roger about hia treasure..... absolute legend.....#wdym you can find the one piece in wano... what the hell is big mom spewing....ohhh i get it i get it.. she found it...#it really is the friends she made along the way.... but she can't see it..... too focused on the lava pit she is falling into...#omg and no one notices because of the silento..... that was such a slay.....#PAUSE. zunisha was a joyboy friend who commited a crime??? how does momo know about joyboy.... the diary?? oden knew??? i forgor#episode 1067#franky got zoro.... no izo noooo....... why..... PRIORITIES!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO WHYYYYYYY!!!!!! IZO WHYYYYYYYY!!!#marco saying he is tried of helping people and will just chill there.... IZO IS DEAD!!!! MARCO????!!!!! if big mom is dead how is zeus stil#drake you better kill that man take izo and run.... why are you playing in a moment like this akdhaksj... girl she is going to kill you#YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SHE GOT HIM!!!!! SHE GOT HIM!!!! FUCK YES!!!!!!!!! HELL YEAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! FUCK THAT MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!#FUCK YEAHHH HIYORI!!!!!! THE SONG!!!!!#episode 1068#YEAAAH DRAKE GET HIM!!!!! oh shit in the neck....#luffy got eaten again..... oh jesus....#NOT EVEN KAIDO LIKES THE CP0 BUT HE GOT LUFFY!!!! KAIDI REGRETS IT EVEN!!!! EXACTLY!!! izo died trying to get them to stop#episode 1069
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Just finished watching the Fellowship. What the fuck. That was so tender and then it just ended
#wheres the boromir lives au guy that shows up in my for you page sometimes this cannot stand#lotr#fuckin. aragorn aondosnsosnsoajaosnak#and then sam. sams just built different. 'you cant swim!' DO YOU THINK THATS GOING TO STOP HIM FRODO#YOULL JUST HAVE TO TURN THE BOAT AROUND#i havent seen lotr before bc my first exposure was i was 7 and i saw gollum biting frodos finger off#before dying in the lava#BUT im a huge hobbit guy so i decided i should watch lotr too. lil freak is in here somewhere. i know it#anyway. bagginshield mithril saving frodo. amazing#edit: i found them
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...........
#tw eating disorder#like a massive tw#like an i personally wouldn't read this because it would trigger me massive tw#after some events in my life happened i started working out to feel like i have agency over my own body and to not fall back into my ed#but#when does working out stops sucking mentally? like i feel both great and bad at the same time and#i know it's because exercise was a big part of my ed and now i ser my body changing and i know i can make it change a lot more#in a way i kinda want it to. is like having a charged gun at all times but the metaphor falls short when i realize some thoughts are..there#like not there *there* but there. tangible. every time my body changes#and it makes me sick because i want to be normal i want to recover i want to have healthy goals and want to experience#having specific body goals as a normal person and i just... can't. because i always take it a little bit too far.#i want to be able to focus on the healthy goals i have like having more stamina. being faster. being stronger. feeling like my body is mine.#and to not focus on that part of ne that tells me i should look like a walking corpse and it's so frustrating.#because im technically closer to feeling good in my own skin than I've ever been (without the risk of dying i mean)#technically the healthiest I've been since the lowest point of anorexia. and there's still a part of me that tells me#i should send all that progress down the rain and get the results i subconsciously never stopped wanting#and it's sick. fucked up. i hate that mental illness and how it just won't fucking go and at the same time i feel like#if fully recovered i would lose a big part of me. and that's fucked up. because i shouldn't want that. I'm doing better now.#why do i still crave bones and dizziness and lightheadedness and crying in winter because it's too cold#why do i still crave being in pain because sitting hurts and no energy to leave the car and my losing more years in that hellhole#it's sick. fucked up. twisted. i don't want to be ill anymore but i relapsed and saw triggering content today and realized#it was never impossibly thin bodies what did it for me. never the look of a magazine model. it was bones. always have to take it too far#fucking sick and twisted. i know i have to continue to choose recovery and being happier. but damn how much i hate anorexia#what it did to me and what it still does to my mind
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Istg I haven't written since MIDDLE SCHOOL why do I keep getting bombarded with good ideas that I only I can write 😭😭😭😭😭
#just had a bunch of ideas to fix the yellow lantern jess concept and have it function as a concrete and vital step in her character arc#(of the same importance of power ring)#and just like the image of a scene where the sinestro corps is attacking a planet for some reason or another inspiring fear (and maybe for a#decent reason bc jess needs SOME motive to stay with them but STILL fear bad)#and shes trying to make them stop but theyre not stopping. and then the GLC shows up and starts fighting the YLC.#and jess is trying to get it to stop but no one is listening to her#like none of the earth lanterns are there no kne she knows#although maybe arisia and other gls WE know pretty well are there. i think arisia should get to go one on one w sinestro as leaders of both#forces. ANYWAYS jess is trying to get it to stop and protect the people (who are TERRIFIED of her) but no one is stopping#anyways something something green lanterns are dying and instead of going out into space their rings start going towards jess#like it starts with just one and shes shocked then two then three and she starts talking with them denying her place with them until its a#whole CLOUD of rings (uhhh nevermind the corps just dying here sorry 😬. no one we care abt though)#anyways and then something buzzes and ripples from underneath her suit#she lets it free and its HER ring tied around her neck#and shes like not you too and the ring is like yes me too and says its not about not being afraid its about OVERCOMING fear#and just like idk. i could fix her (yellow lantern jess arc)#dc hire me asap#hopefully this makes sense. again i have not read those comics yet other than a good amt of panels BUT#im reading her power ring era right now and like... its all coming together#anyways anyways thinking about jess a LOT tonight#95% of those posts are in my drafts though#including my super long YL!Jess character arc meta which this is deeply related too#but we're not talking abt that right now swishy!!!! you are SUPPOSED to be doing your spanish project due tomorrow at midnight which you#have barely started!!!!#its study time not superhero plot bunny time!!!!!#blah#swishy writing#swishy aus#nothing in the post itself but the tags deserve these tags
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I had multiple dreams last night.
I had a bf </3
someone in my family got bit by a zombie </3
some guy made me explain narrative structure to him </3
#ameera speaks#1 expanded) it was someone ik in real life 😔 which sucks soooo bad anyway he was at mine and we were watching a movie in my bed on my#laptop < (loser behaviour) and okay so im lying by referring to him as my bf bc we were just friends in the dream but then he started like#acting well intimate and i wasnt not into it so i was like hey whats going on here and we had a talk and then i had to sneak him out of my#house. dream 2) zombie apocalypse im in my room my nephews and nieces come in and i usher them out. the world is the samw just + zombies.#like think covid when it was dire but schools were still open? (my dream was a commentary on the countries failures to manage covid) so i#usher my neohews and nieces out and i make a comment to my sister in law like ooh im scared one of them got bit and my nephew was like some#girl bit me at school today and i told his mum and i stayed in my room and like an hour later i rang her like whats the update#and she was like oh yeah and came into my room to find my journal on zombie stuff and sge was like should i just cut off his arm and i was#idk try but if that doesnt work youre gonna have to... and she was SO CASUALLL !!!! and as she was leaving she started like picking things#up off the floor and i made a comment like your sons dying and youre sweeping and she was like way harsh tai and i woke up#that one was a commentsry on covid and also how i might be too mean to my sister in laws sometimes#3) i was in a library with friends researching smth and some asian guy sits on our table turns his back to us and talks to his friends.#then he starts playing music loudly from his phone and i move back to my table and as im walking he stops me and starts talking to some#girl on the table next to mine who he knows and is like hey i have an assignment due where i have to write a compelling narrative from my#own life ur clever can u help and she was a stem girly and went highschool with me and she pointed at me like ask her she does english#and he was like no u just tell me and she started helping him but i felt the advice she was giving was.. bad. so i interrupted like dont#you think that you should do __ instead and we had a discussion about it till i woke up. < that dream was a commentary on how useless my#degree is and how i wish it wasnt useless
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ermmm something happened to my hand and now it like feels uncomfy and 2 of my fingers don't work properly ahhahahaha (im panicking)
#i mean i had issues with it for agessss#if i did smth too tough (like picked up smth heavy) or drew/wrote for too long it would hurt#like my palm and wrist and even till elbow#and recently it like suddenly started hurting on my ring finger#idk english like that but the part where it connects to the palm BUT closer to the pinky#it would hurt every time i would like move my hand and ring finger was involved#couple days later it stopped hurting?? all seemed well yet my hand now felt a bit off as if i overworked it but i could actually do stuff w#w/o pain#last night i noticed that my pinky and ring finger like.. don;t work right??#idk how to explain but like when i bend them instead of slowly bending like they should they kinda snap into final position?#it;s doesnt hurt just feels very Wrong#and on top of that#i can like straighten them#u know how u can put ur hand into a fist and then straighten each finger separately? i cannot do that w my pinky and ring finger#fun fact my pinky couldnt straighten for year but ring finger was ok. rn my pinky is WORSE? like it's just not moving unless entire hand do#um very fun for me AHAHHA#and idk today the entire muscle/nerve/who knows hurts from my palm to my elbow - which isnt too uncommon for me but i didnt do shit to caus#it. i have been doing nothing pretty much and it still feels OFF.. :'(#anyways i will be getting some shots in case it's um an inflammation of the joint and then we will see if i get better#dont even have a doc near me im in a VILLAGE (throwing up and dying)#someone pray that my hand gets better#adry.txt
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9am on the first day of the year and I just sat on the couch sobbing over the cats I've lost and how time keeps taking me farther from them and how ill never be able to go back and be a better mom to them or make better choices that may have saved their lives.
#tw pet death#ive lost so many of the people i love in my life.#when i was mentally at my worst i truly considered whether i should build a relationship with my niece bc everyone id ever loved was dying#and it just never stops#and i invite these little creatures into my home and i have all this love to give bc so many of my family is just dead now#and then they die too#and i wonder if maybe i shouldnt have animal companions at all#dont worry i emailed my therapist im gonna be fine#but fuck#time keeps marching on and i move farther and farther from those i loved so fucking much#in 5 years i will have officially lived on this earth longer without my dad than with him#how is that allowed to be true?#Oliver was euthanized in October if 2022. 2022! its 2024!#how#why#i just#i took my meds today i fucking swear i did#death#dealing with grief
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i feel like I’m dying but life is objectively much better in many factual ways and I’m working to remind myself of that at least once a day ✍️
#my photos#personal#no like i actually started feeling like my chest was gnawing itself and my lungs are heavy and I’m nauseous tingly#chill on a sofa listening to upbeat music and petting a dog#but the Feeling Like You’re Dying doesn’t care it’ll just hit when it hits#Im going home for part of June/July and there’s a lot of unknown and my family not talking abt things#and honesty vs lies battles#and a lot of messy radtrad/fundie influences continuing to strengthen but like#things are also better in a lot of areas#and no matter what everyone is speaking to me more politely since I moved#although it’s frustrating too bc#i nos feel like Im going crazy going this long without some undolicited Soul Concern email or anti gay email coming from my parents or#fight baiting coming from my sister#it’s weird#i feel like I made it all up since I haven’t gotten any evidence/proof now that I finally thought ‘i should document when they send me#stuff next time’ so I’d be able to confirm to myself that they DID say xyz things or w/ever#anyway NO SELF. LIFE IS GOOD AND WORTH LIVING AND YOU HAVE A DOG YOU COMMITTED TO AND YOUR URGES TO GO BE IN DANGER AND HURT DO NOT NEED TO#BE ACTED ON YOU CAN STOP FREAKING OUT ABT THEM THEY’RE CONSTRUCTION AND DEMO CRAP. CHILL. THEY’LL GO AWAY SOMEDAY#AND YOU ARE NOT AN OPINIONLESS KID WJEN YOU HO BACK YOU CAN LITERALLY JUST TELL PEOPLE NO#also don’t FUCKING forget to pick up a box of those cookies. future me I swear to god I’ve wanted them for like six months#if we come back to WA without them for another year#i will murder you I s2g#not really but I will be SO sad at some point this fall or winter#don’t make me sad#journal
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