#i really am in a better place now
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Happy Valentine's Day! (and this blog's first post anniversary!)
#poorly drawn mdzs#better drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#Woah...it's been a whole *year* since I took the leap and uploaded my 'first attempt' art.#It's outdated now but it holds a special place in my heart for the fact it started all of this off.#Calling this 'poorly-drawn' was always about accepting that my art was going to be imperfect and messy - and doing it anyways!#There has been a staggering number of times I have drawn something I almost didn't upload because I didn't think it was 'good enough'#only for someone to say they liked it - or that it made them laugh. And it has helped me realize -#-The worst critic for my work has always been myself. If I listened to it all the time...well we would not be here now B'*)#And now that I have dabbled in other fandoms I can truly see how lucky was to start out with the MXTX fans.#The supportive messages and tags have truly been a guiding force toward my artistic and self improvement.#I really can't describe how grateful I am.#Thank you for seeing something worth rooting for when I was just figuring things out.#Thank you for being sweeter than the candy I have strategically hidden in the nooks and crannies of this house.#But watch out! If you forget to find them we will get ants.#I remembered to not hide chocolate in the bed this year. Yes I know it melted last time. Yes it did stain. I'm still sorry.#Thank you for loving me regardless <3 Even if it looked like I shit the bed real bad.
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After Cyn's done tryna kill him, she'll eventually relent and they can get to work... whatever that is.
I didn't do the outfit any justice, but the second i saw the Cowboy!Curt mega @ricky-mortis made i was literally like, "yes, that is IT."
This is, in my heart, a cannon fit for this au
#And if you disagree... well i cant hear you#K but i really am bad at clothes lol! and this weird pose kinda threw me off pretty hard so i will also blame that...#but i will do better next time#I am again letting people know his horse is 100% named after Cynthia because of the occasional attempts on his life 👍#I think i'll dub this a Try hard Doodle because thats what it is actually#and now for me talking way to much in that tags because i'm a terror:#I was going to pair this with another drawing that actually features curtwen btw#but my wrist said “No”#so maybe tomorrow?#(also... i have never actually drawn a person ON a horse before so this was really weird to do#this was actually a full body image... and then i halved it but then i couldn't do his foot? so i halved it again!)#Saf#spies are forever#cowboys are forever#<- WOULD watch the shit outta that [laughing at the idea of all the songs made really really country]#Cowboys your spies#Also some fun but also pretty dumb Au stuff: my vers of this au has always taken place in the wildwest in my head#so around 1865 to 1895#Art#and finally... OTL when the horse is better then the human#is the fact i drew animals for a majority of my life really obvious yet
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Commission for Serena / Rinaworks 🌹
#Finished my last huge commission from 2022..wah#i seriously can't express how grateful I am when my commissioners are patient with me#2022/23 was a really hard year for me art wise but I think I'm in a better place now!#Now I commence the art grind for cons because i am going to anime north in may WOOO first toronto con ever hehe
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Look a Ninjago drawing :)
#lego ninjago#ninjago#pixal ninjago#ninjago pixal#lego ninjago pixal#pixal#pixal borg#ninjago art#ninjago fanart#my art#I have a feeling you don't actually believe you are good at what you're doing#that's what my therapist said to me last week#and that made me think#when did I started resenting what always made me happy? Because all I feel is that no matter how much I try I'm never happy#I'm in a place where I'll start to get nightmares every time I post something#Don't get me wrong I am so grateful for all the support you guys gave me and I feel really happy with the friends I got here#but things are not balanced#I have been doing art for such a short time and I can see how much I have improved#but if I am not happy with my own art I see no reason to keep doing it#I've only been drawing and getting better because you gave me so much support but the support is not working now#because no matter what I'll never be satisfied with myself#I know I will hate this drawing the moment I post it but everyone following me is a follower because of ninjago and I can't ignore that#So for y'all a drawing
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ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!
#quick vent Look Away Nothing To See Here#i just needed to place my emotions somewhere before i really started to spiral#texts from cherished friends should not cause nausea-level anxiety! and yet!#here i am! running away from the ever-present miasma of guilt and stress!#you know a few months ago i was like 'im going to be better about responding im going to do better'#i Immediately started doing Worse!#i think i stressed myself out too much#pretty much every relationship i have ends up completely deteriorating due to my own insecurities and guilt and fucked up brain <3#ah yes and how could i forget the Commitment Issues and Emotional Block#mentally i am banging my head into a wall#but its fine Its Fine#i mean its not. its really not. but sometimes it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail#which is something i should be used to by now!#okay so it looks like i Am Indeed spiraling so#i am going to go... list some good things in this world and uhhh#well i dont have the car this weekend so cant go for a drive and some boba. um.#i need to organize my room table Yes that sounds distracting and falsely productive#not gonna tag this with anything actually.#love treating tumblr like my personal diary#ah yes its just me. my personal feelings. and the couple thousand people that follow me.#perhaps i will also buy something online with one of the gift cards i found the other day#buttons from michaels!!! i need buttons! i will go do that!#with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!!#gonna... turn of replies/rbs just this once since its just a Vent#i just needed to get it Out yk? not looking for anything other than relieving pressure on my brain#ok it looks like i cant turn of replies for individual posts#just... pretend you didnt see this for both our sakes <3#look away look away
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fire and the thud came on my spotify shuffle while me and my sister were listening to music this afternoon, and at the end of it she turns to me and goes “who was that? the lyrics sound like the kind of thing you’d write” and honestly i think it’s one of my favourite unintentional compliments i’ve ever received
#the fact that she’s been reading my writing since we were both kids and knows that side of me better than anyone too#idk it just made it really hit with that bit more weight#also something about it was weirdly validating#because like that whole album has such a special place in my heart#i have never heard anything that connects me so fundamentally with my creativity in the way humbug does#and so to have someone who knows nothing about am go ‘hey these lyrics remind me of the way your mind works’#when hearing those songs for the first time sometimes felt like someone had reached into my brain#was just#yeah#i don't even know actually#i'm not trying to claim i can write like alex btw#i'm not delusional lol#but i do hear echoes of myself and the way i connect with creativity so often in his writing#which is i think why i connect with it so much#even if i express that creativity differently#(and with less skill)#sorry i'm just rambling at this point#i feel like i'm not explaining this well at all but my brain is so foggy rn#so i'm going to shut up now and go back to my book#thanks/apologies to anyone who's read their way though this whole ramble#humbug#lulu posts
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One of the things I love about Glass Onion is the way that the camera and music work together to tell nonverbal jokes.
Like when Benoit basically has to hold Miles' hand to get him to the conclusion that someone reset the puzzle box Benoit lies about receiving:
Benoit asks if it's possible that someone reset the box, and Miles then declares that someone must have reset the box like it is this huge reveal - and the camera zooms out while the music subtly swells as though he really has figured out something smart, when actually he literally restated what Benoit just said.
#original#I love the reveal that he's not even a smart con artist he's just a piece of shit#he's just a shameless copycat that people keep enabling to do bad things bc they assume he knows what he's talking about bc he's rich#like that line in Fiddler on the Roof - 'it won't matter if I'm wrong or if I'm right cuz you're rich they think you really know!'#glass onion#knives out glass onion#benoit blanc#Daniel Craig#ed norton#I hope the YouTuber sideways does a video about this because he does incredible music theory videos about movie scores#and I bet there are a bunch of hidden meanings within the music that I have no idea how to pick out#that man is like a wizard to me I don't understand how someone can understand music that much!#So cool!#I started this movie like 2 hours ago and I'm barely half an hour in cuz I keep stopping to write film theory essays on Tumblr#oh Adderall you cad!#I have no regrets I feel like this is helping me understand film better. i care a lot about the language of Storytelling#and I must say my favorite medium is film. I am writing a graphic novel right now but if I knew I could just skip that part and make it#into a show. I would do that. I don't wanna draw that much! I like drawing! but I want to see it as a show!!#this is too many drawings!!!!!#but for various reasons the film industry is not really a great place for me - or even possible as a physically disabled person#hard to work yourself up to the director's chair when all the entry positions involve standing for 14 hours at a time#I hope that if I ever do manage to make my graphic novel into a TV show that I will maintain enough control over the project to ensure#accessible hiring practices and workplaces#but in the meantime I guess I have to make waaaay too many drawings#no I can't shorten the story I don't have that kind of control it is an epic saga and the world's longest Slow Burn and that is that
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i think what hits most about nobara's backstory is everything that's left unsaid and peaks from between the lines. it's the fact you can easily infer that something was wrong without ever having clear answers on what exactly was wrong. but if you can relate to the feeling of wanting to escape a place and the alienation from everyone around you, especially when you're brought up in small communities, then you can certainly understand, if not fully then partially, nobara herself and the struggles she might have had to face all by herself for a very long time; maybe even the importance fumi and saori had in her life and the pain from having to part from them; and, perhaps the selectiveness in letting people in that she later on develops as well.
#the way her story is told from fumi's point of view is quite interesting#nobara's backstory is like a silent whisper without a lot of obvious context and told from someone else's perspective#someone who until the end never really understood her fully despite their obvious close bond#someone who we weren't even aware was part of her life#and nobara's peak emotional moment and the last person she thinks as her life is in danger is her and the promise she didn't accomplish#a promise to reunite with the friends that shaped her and her life#ah.#i find her last line so... powerful?#she definitely struggled growing up and the only two people she kept in her heart from her life before jujutsu were people that#moved to where she lived. saori didn't even stay in that place for long. and then she moves somewhere new and she meets people#and a group that actually feels like home a community where she fits in and suddenly they kind of break through making place in her heart#just for everything to come to a halt. to turn to shit. for her to see that shatter away little by little. and in the end she's put in a#position where she knows she will not be able to hold on to what she cares for the most. that she will hurt people that truly cared for her#for not being able to go back to fumi and rekindle the friendship with saori and for being forced to be another punch in the guts for yuuji#and everyone else that up until that point were forced to go through losses already and traumatic events#and she decides to encourage yuuji to go on a good note and she truly believes the people she met made it worth it#even if it was for a brief moment in her life#i am not being coherent right now but it pains me :')#she deserved so much better#and i will hang on tightly to the line saying that she had a small chance of survival until the end#because she deserves it she deserves to live 😭#i'm taking her from that stupid anime and putting her in a slice of life anime watch me#yuuji too. and everyone else. i'm taking the kaisen out of the jujutsu and you can't stop me#jjk spoilers#nobara kugisaki#jujutsu kaisen#jjk 💭#my post
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the other day i was looking through the drawings on my old laptop and found this self-portrait art challenge thing i did at some point several years ago, so i thought it would be interesting to update it with my current self for old times' sake :-) i don't know why i felt the need to be so mean to myself in all the descriptions but i have tried to be at least slightly nicer this time around. sorry past me [id under cut]
[id: a series of four full-body digital drawings of a pale-skinned person at different ages. the first three depict me in 2007, 2013, and 2017 under the heading 'George'; the fourth, in a different art style, depicts me in 2023 under the heading 'Ned (I changed my name)'.
the first drawing shows a young child with long hair wearing a fluffy pink jumper, a pink skirt, and pink shoes. bullet points above read:
annoying
copies other people constantly
draws cute animals
arrogant
cries when told off
maybe 1 friend
the second drawing shows a young teenager wearing a hoodie and trainers and looking uncomfortable. bullet points above read:
anxious
listens to Simon and Garfunkel exclusively
bad under pressure
anime
writes bad fanfiction
draws bad fanart
the third drawing shows a smiling teenager wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and brown boots. bullet points above read:
what the HELL is a Self Esteem
really into 60s music
cries a lot
0 fashion sense
usually dissociating
thinkin about trees
the fourth drawing shows a young man with messy brown hair, a striped brown shirt, a beige woollen tank top, and burgundy plaid trousers; he is leaning on a wood-textured folding cane and holding the strap of a brown leather satchel with his other hand. bullet points above read:
still no self-esteem but medicated now
significantly worse handwriting (wrist knackered)
I haven't changed much to be honest
RBF so severe I get followed around by the security guards at the supermarket
autism
end id.]
#artwork#two posts in two days what is happening to me. ive been possessed#i think i did a decent job at capturing my likeness this time around :-) i doubt i'll ever post another picture of myself here (sorry i am#a nervous creature now) so hopefully this will suffice. i kind of look like [gestures]#i really like patterns. and stripes especially. also brown. if you couldnt tell#i am actually doing much better recently! i had what i think in retrospect was a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago but i am ok now. all gud#it was very contextual i had just got myself into a very stressful situation and basically just self-destructed for a few days until it was#resolved. the resolution was very satisfactory though so im mostly back to normal now#also i started taking antidepressants a couple of months ago and i think they have finally started working so i am in a much better place#than i have been for a while :-) yippee!#it's pretty neat to see how much my art style has changed too. i love using gouachey watercoloury brushes these days#anyway i hope you are all doing well my friends! it is my birthday tomorrow im going to be 8 million years old
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i really need to finish this one day
#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully#anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason#incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up#you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot#he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him#in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened.#you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from#you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help?#doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance#proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long#yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him#yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that#and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do”#“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem”#(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.)#he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway#but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again.#something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh#for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been#which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad#but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence?#she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”.#wips tag
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really wish people would read blog rules more, it makes running blogs like this very low reward and you feel like a machine if people aren't commenting and aren't even abiding by one of the, honestly, very few and politely phrased rules i even have
#then i'm left trying not to respond like a bitch when the rules are there in the first place so i don't have to have negative interactions#with the people who come to this blog#like keeping it 100 you write for yourself but you write for ENGAGEMENT and COMMUNITY#and these days in fandom there really is no community#for any fandom across the board#people see something and move on#that's bad enough at killing fandoms#but the fact that a creator can have really only one super hard rule and it gets disregarded every day#day in and day out! and i really mean it this rule gets broken in my inbox DAILY man!#i write for a lot of small fandoms or smaller characters i love the characters i'm happy to do it#but i have an adult job. college. friends. family. my own original creative projects#and even if i don't respond to the asks where people are blatantly violating /again/#one of my FEW rules#it's exhausting to even see it !!!#it makes me not feel like a person#who cares what the girl behind the screen asked me not to do? right?? but i'm about done#i'm only at my breaking point because i've had this blog now for what three or four years??#and no matter how i phrase the rule people break it#no matter how many reminder posts#it's exhausting because it's an every day daily thing#idk maybe i'll feel better abt it in the morning but i'm getting exhausted tbh#exhausted as in this blog might be going BYE BYE i wont delete i think you'd have it up until tumblr goes away but i am getting pissed off#TRULY pissed off bc it's been years of me asking cmon now
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Quick tribute to my favorite but mostly forgotten form! All hail the small furry thing!
#Tonari of Jananda#The Small Furry Thing#my art#Mole Interest#Tonari Dalton#Fumetsu No Anata E#To Your Eternity#to you the immortal#Here I am inserting Tonari in places she doesn’t really NEED to be lmao#but like technically the mole DID come from Jananda so I mean there’s no one better than her to hold him#Anyway all hail the small furry thing. Fushi calling it that and just how cute it is made Moles my favorite animal now lmao#so this trend is like. crazy convenient for me to finally get a chance to express that bahaha#I follow the person who started the tag so I was sitting on the idea all night#so yeah please take this very quickly scribbled lil thing idk how to feel about it in terms of quality but fuck it! it makes me happy!
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i’ve been pretty quiet on here and avoiding my activity and dms these last few weeks because october was easily one of the worst months i’ve had in a very long time and i lost my family dog of seventeen years and had a medical scare for not only myself but my cat and just all these things happened at once that felt incredibly hard to bounce back from mentally… but aside from being sick atm things are starting to get better for me and my family so hopefully i can actually start being. normal. again soon 🧎
#river dipping#i don’t think i get personal on here very often just bc. the pd. um#but i figured i should say something bc my avoidant personality disorder is uhhhhhhhh#certainly Avoiding.#i’m so sorry if you’ve messaged me or @ed me or just tried interacting in any way#ik i wrote in my pinned navigation that yea i take breaks and avoid my activity and it’s nothing personal#but i still just wanted to reiterate it#i tend to keep notifications off for tumblr and my activity and everything like i only ever check when i’m mentally prepared for the State#my brain goes into when interacting with people#it’s not that i’m ignoring you!! my brain is just. very bad.#and i have a lot of trouble actually replying#especially in private messages#i’m much more comfortable talking publically which is why discord is so not for me 😭#i really have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone a lot this past year and it’s certainly helped a ton#but still. it’s a disorder i’ve had my whole life so 🤷 it’s still sticking around ykwim#so i’m sorry 😔 but i’m also incredibly thankful toward everyone who’s taken the time to talk to me and interact with me and just thought of#me in general even when i’ve been so isolated recently#ummmm but on the bright side i moved out finally and am at a place that isn’t gonna poison my brain anymore so ‼️#it took a few horrible days for my pets to get used to the house but things are fine now and i’ve set up my room and am :) doing better#surprisingly my panic disorder has been absent since the move… which is very weird for me#i fr think my previous place might actually have been poisoning me like i’m serious#……..i might delete this post in a bit if i start feeling too crazy abt being vulnerable lmao. um.#but for the people that’re online rn! my beloved friends and lovers yk#there’s my little update
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important to understand that my approach to oc design and characterization depends explicitly on how i'm playing that specific game, like. a thing you should know about ilya is that he is the kind of person who will dive into the middle of a large pull ahead of the tank and pop all of his mitigation while screaming because i get distracted and do that. constantly.
... it's the siren's call of the big aoe damage noises, ok.
#mostly im thinking about these things because they're the easy things to think about#i am. very. very. bad. at like deeplore dives lmao#so bad!!!!!!! i'm here for the emotional complexity do Not ask me where this man lives i don't know#... i do know.#once it starts branching out into history and family lore and godforbid fucking cultural lore i am just#so dumb. i'm so dumb i was not designed for worldbuilding even if it's just the world of one weird little guy#v invested in other people's sandboxes because mine is very small and it's also just full of rocks.#anyway.#my partner: BABY MOOOOOOOOODE#me: it's okay my heal is up it'll be FINE#also increasingly play casters like melee dps so everybody gets to suffer that as well#ilya standing directly under a very large guy in his stupid leylines like MANAWARD'S UP IT'S FINE#.... i dont play blm as much now honestly because to contribute i have to be less stupid. and that's not fun.#i really. REALLY enjoy the big melee dps damage noises#they're across the board better than caster noises. so disappointing because in my heart i am On Fire#sam+pal noises are the best noises in the game#SPINNING#i'm thinking too hard about backstories and it's not going well lmao#grabbing this creature by the shoulders and shaking him violently like WHO ARE YOOOOOOOU#concussed probably his brain is just sloshing around in there#babg mode blogging#this is also why he's canonically A Guy Who Touches Things He Shouldn't#because i'm that guy.#i'm the guy who touches things.#this explains sehren also like she would not be who she is if i didnt play dragona age with wild hubris and abandon#.... it wasnt fun unless i was wildly underleveled in places i didnt belong ok#every if mc ive gotten invested in also
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I feel like half my text posts here are apologizing for not being around/responsive but I also feel the need to do it again. I see your tags, your asks, all of it, and I really appreciate them and I’m sorry I haven’t answered anything recently
Between losing old cat 2 weeks ago and the long illness leading up, I’m just still coming to terms with things I feel like. I’m mostly okay, but it comes in waves, and I still really miss her. I hope I’ll be up to some regular internet actives soon, I know it’s been a long time, but I really mean it when I say I appreciate the interaction and I really want to interact back as soon as my brain is in a better place
So yeah idk I don’t have a good closing, I just feel bad (and I’m super hormonal right now so I’m in my feels about literally everything at the moment lmao) so I just wanted to make this post to say I see you, I appreciate you, please don’t give up on me, and I really hope that this funk will lift soon so I can interact back as you all deserve
As a consolation, pls look at her sleepy little face, she was so good
#sorry and also sorry for being sorry so often lmao#idk this has just hit me really hard and I hoped I’d be at a better point grief wise by now but I’m just not so#I’m keeping the brain weasels at bay but that’s about all I have the spoons for outside of necessities and doing fairly mindless things#pls also keep sending me things if you still want to I swear I swear I will get there eventually#trust me I’m just as frustrated with myself but sadly I cannot rush the brain it never works#and like I am okay pls don’t worry about that I’m just not in as good a place as I’d like to be#so I need to take care of that and that leaves less spoons for other things#text#misc#shut up nerd#my pets#cause kitty pic
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.
#another day another vent post#i really shouldn't keep doing this honestly. it doesn't solve anything i think#but i feel I've been too trauma-dumpy in the places i usually go and my dm restrictions mean my options are limited#so.... tumblr it goes i guess#helps that the problem tonight is feeling completely numb and apathetic.#isolating myself because i don't give a shit whether i live or die#and honestly can't really make myself feel..... like any of it matters#is it my meds doing this? who knows.....#any number of things could have caused this#i just. don't give a fuck enough to think about what#i have therapy on Thursday. I'm hopeful it'll help#well. normally I'm hopeful. I'll pretend i am now too.#start actually doing something about whatever is wrong with me.#sigh...#...i don't know if this is a cry for help or not...? i guess I'll slap in the same 'one-time free pass' to dm me on discord again#i can't really picture myself replying and i have no idea what would help. nothing feels like it would. and i may honesty to god just#fall asleep instead.#sorry to keep doing this shit#one day it'll be better#maybe.#Hopefully.
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