#i need to get a 9 next time
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not to be an annoying nob but ihave to boast about this im sorry .. i got a grade 9 for my english language exam 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈
#if youre not english and dont know what a grade 9 transaltes to its the highest grade you can get in gcse#its not the result of my gcse eng langauge i havent done them yet just an exam in school 🙈#anyway 🙈🙈🙈#being so annoying but i barely revised i thought id done so shit#still dont wwant to do eng langauge for a level though sticking wiht lit#i cant believe i did better on langage than literature thats so weird#i got an 8#i need to get a 9 next time#my teacher said that if shed been able to read my handwriting better shed have given me a higher score but like i literally dont care#whats better than a 9?? >0<#i got 71/80 🙈#okay sorry ill shut up#i cant be annoying about this w my friends though theyll smack me ..
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oversharing in the tags time :)
#i think it’s time i go back to therapy#i keep having recurring nightmares about my ex best friend#or dreams where she reaches out to me. and explains why she cut me out#backstory. in high school had a lesbian toxic situationship with my#bestie. THEN i had another one. which kinda overlapped? the first one was open but also just messy#anyways. jade and i were like together for a year. then she got a boyfriend one day and i had a breakdown#it happened just after high school and i was sooooo … unwell. wasn’t out to my family felt like i was gonna die etc etc#(this is all pre dnp btw) anyways next year i found dnp. a couple months later she broke up with her bf#and we sorted dated for a while (this whole time we’d been just friends and i was still not really over it but hiding it)#and then she dated ANOTHER guy. they broke up and she had a breakdown and moved 9 hours away. i went#to visit her for a month. we like kinda dated again then and i thought we could make it work. then 2020. no travel#so she started dating a guy. didn’t tell me. even though we spoke every day. she moved in with him#then she breaks up with him mid 2021. i started dating my gf. but Jade was clingy and it was awkward#she started dating a sketchy guy who was homophobic. i went and visited her a few times#start of 2023 she tells me she wants to make more of an effort cause he didn’t like her friends so she cut everyone out. then she ghosted#in feb 2023. we had tickets for#mcr in march. i had to text her cause she’d blocked me on messenger and said im going to the concert whether she’s there or not#she said ‘yeah no worries! you can take someone else in my place too 😎’ she used that fucking emoji#and I haven’t spoken to her since. I think she quit her job . and that guy was not a nice man#so I still worry about her#writing this all down makes me realise she was a bitch and I deserve better#but I just want closure. it isn’t fair she replied so casually to my text when I said ‘you’ve blocked me’#it isn’t fair she HAS MY SIGNED COPY OF DANS BOOK#anyways. I need therapy to get over this#and I haven’t even written about my family issues (im#out and they’re supportive but my god they fucked me#up as a kid)#if you read this hi 👋 hope you are having a lovely day#don’t get in lesbian situationships!!!
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so maestro told me tonight at the end of rehearsal that he "got an email about me", turns out it was the org that's interviewing me next week for their summer job reaching out to him as a reference. and then when that was figured out maestro proceeded to spend the next, like, twenty minutes standing there writing out a recommendation for me on his phone at 10 pm while i'm Sitting Right There, just trying to get the assignment notes to send to the orchestra,
#living in a Comedy over here#he kept occasionally asking me questions too like 'how long have i known you? ten years?' (it's 8 or 9 at this point)#and 'do they know about your honors and high grades' ('i mean they have my resume so i guess so' 'i will mention it anyway'#lmao thanks maestro)#once again it's very sweet the lengths he goes to help me succeed professionally#i don't know if i. needed to or should have been Right There while he recommended me...#but there it is i suppose. one glowing recommendation ahead of my interview next week#although since this is the first time he's mentioned getting contacted like this i think this means the other internships i applied to#a month/month and a half ago just...never bothered to reach out and overlooked me as a candidate. sigh#oh well...i got one (1) response this week for one (1) job opportunity#(and it was the one i applied to kind of late out of. waning hope that the others were still a possibility..)#so. hoping i don't fuck up next week during my interview and hoping i don't have some crazy competition or something#bc damn i really want and need this internship......please......#i wanna talk about me
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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family
#fucking hell#it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister#who was equally dreading the day#my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt#then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high#weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence#i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum#who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf#but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed#they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes#finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously#(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room#and made things appear that should not be there#I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go#you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear#I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well#she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer#maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important
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#two mimir#tandemaus#pokemon#pokemon sv#pokemon gen 9#sorry bintendo i pirated this game but i wouldve bought it if i knew it was such a good game at the end#that ending was actually so good id put it as my favourite pokemon game#and the music holy fuck my ears were blessed#okok next time I will buy the new game#shit made me crave sandwiches so bad then i made my own bread and got sick of sandwiches after 2 weeks#now im getting tired of caesar salad#i need more recipes for work#i promised myself i would never buy another drink at gongchass after they fired me but then they released some cute ass 3d keychains#I'll just get my bf to do it#i wanna play the next gow#please let me refund aitsf 2 i dont feel. like playing it but steam wont let me#idk why I'm too lazy to play it even tho the games expensive ash#need more multiplayerr games to play with friends#terraria got boring after 2 days#zomboid is good#plate up got boring after a week#where is my motivation to play apex#raft is dead#devour need more maps#no im not going to play LOL or AOE#i wish i celebrated christmas#if I could experience something again it would b my childhood xmas spirit and mythical-y energy#i feel like ill always be mentally stuck at 17#how bout i physically go back to 17 too i dont want to start paying my fuel#shit goes down so fast
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NOOO, I forgot to cancel my free pixiv premium membership auahanajljjjk I don’t want to be charged 30 bucks for this orz…
#whenever I try to go cancel it it just leads me to other plans to try#I was supposed to have canceled it yesterday but forgot…#rambling#I think it’s a one time payment and they somehow had me locked in on the 12 month plan bro#i believe it is a onetime payment at the end of next year but man I need all of the little dollars I can get#I was only using premium so that I could go back and edit some art that I found a bit wonky… man#my 9/11 is having money taken away from me especially when I don’t have much…
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mini life update in the tags bc i need somewhere 2 rant < 3
#u can ignore but!#in the process of secretly prepping to cut my mum off bc shes got total financial control over me (im 26)#i got a lot of money when i was 18 from an accident n shes basically in control of my assets bc she made it that wah#*way#if that makes sense#like i can only access my money if i go to the bank with her. she lives in a house i boyght her free of charge#sje bullied me into biying another house in wales so she can rent it out as a holidah home n use it as a free holiday spot n said i would#get an income from it but shes given me nothing in the 4/5 yrs weve had it#she put her name on the deeds to all my assets#so i have money but it is inaccessible#i need some bc i need to fund my phd next year but sje wont help me#anyways! thats lowkey besides the point#my dads got a brain tumor n my mum doesnt know i still see my dad bc she thinks i havent spoke to him since je left like 3 yrs ago#but i helped hjm leave bc she was abusing him n had been since i was like 9#n now im stressed out bc my dads not well and i feel like um running out of time with him#but hes in the hospital at the minute after having a siezure a few weeks after his brain surgery#so ive visited him like 3 days in a row n he remarried this year and my stepmum/sisters are so nice#its like having a real family#and it makes me feel guilty yo say that abt my mum n sister#like the guilt of havi g a bad parent is so real tonight fellas im just gonna sit n cry for a few dags#tbd.#if u read this far i love u .. whats hr zodiac#but yeah! this is why im so inactive#n bc im doi g my masters degree but . that pales in comparison rn
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Hate how I didn't even think until now abt how zelda was alone as a dragon for so many years until the present. I wonder way too much abt how everything was for her and esp now as a dragon like mineru did say you lose yourself completely iirc but reg the tears shed do I believe it's not fully true. Maybe depends how strong your spirit is. Like yeah she can't really communicate well anymore but she recognizes us and her eyes. Her eyes I still can't get over them they're so full of emotion that's absolutely her eyes. Like. You're still inside that dragon when you become one if you try your best to remember is what I think (or want to believe). It's 5am I am not going to try to explain my already barely coherent thoughts better. Too much possibilities where I think some border on denial. I am a fluff not angst person. Anyways I wonder how long all those years felt what do you do as a dragon did the sages try talking to her dragon form or like anything-
#totk spoilers#rent free in my brain huh#I almost play 24h without pause hylia help me#(well minus for like. necessities like food)#still need to beat the story#I cannot believe I seriously considered her going through time or smth smth time power shenanigans#I completely forgot the sword needs a lot of time to get power. rip me.#I am not a fan of angst I like fluff stuff why is my brain just absolutely occupied with dragon zelda#mmmmaybe bc I suprisingly quick accepted it already. at least I can paraglide next to her and all#also maybe I forgot a lot that I read and know abt the timeline bc I think I wreck my head too much abt that too#I got the hyrule historia but like. how does botw tie in again. I think abt it too much it's just for fun damm it#I say since hours only this then bed and now it's 5am#I am awake since 7 and play since what 8? 9?#Absolutely insane how loz got me in a chokehold again but I lately don't even touch pokemas for daily missions#Obv in the back of my mind 24/7 but I feel so odd when pkmn in literally any regard isn't the thing that gets constantly#shaken around in my head with little focus for anything else#In other news I would die for penn and tauro is also neat wanna snatch his hairstyle#also zonai are one of the prettiest races ever. would love to be one or some of the zora ones#anyways all I got is 'I wonder if'#I like. barely talk abt such things it's such a new refreshing thing and I'm sorry I talk mostly for myself#(such things being speculations hc whatever I mostly just kept to myself bc my ex bff just did not care. yay.)#(so fuck if I know much abt fleshing out n all)#a wild lux appears
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whenever i have absolutely nothing going on and don’t need to be anywhere or do anything, everyone around me is perfectly healthy but when i have huge things that i absolutely cannot afford to miss then half my family gets sick at once with different diseases
#WHY ARE THEY SICK ALL THE TIME BUT SPECIFICALLY ONLY WHEN I DESPERATELY NEED TO STAY HEALTHY#i’m gonna start killing. i have a big thing on friday and a concert next week and a tattoo coming up and i need to be okay for all of those#and i’m running things at the community house for two weeks straight. i cannot afford to be out of commission for even a few days.#& nobody gets it. for me being sick is not just unfortunate it is literally hell on earth. the worst possible thing that could happen to me#i’d rather break a bone or sprain my ankle or have an ibs flare or crash my car. literally anything else#AND DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON OTHER TYPES OF ILLNESS. I WILL KILL EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE AND THEN MYSELF.#tell me. why. when i was living with 4 roommates in a cramped apartment for 4 years. i only got sick twice.#but living with my family. for 9 months. i have gotten sick 4 times. and most times it was directly traceable to someone else in the house.#i am filled with such unspeakable violence i need to leave i need to leave i need to leave#GUESS IM NOT GONNA EAT FOR A WEEK BECAUSE GOD FORBID I INTRODUCE A PATHOGEN INTO MY SYSTEM#<- i know this is not how it works but that is how my brain has rationalized it for decades
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Ignore
#delete later#i have three medical appointments in the work day in the next three weeks#one on Thursday then two mid/late January and i know that its good bc i need these appointments but i get so#anxious that ppl ay work are mad at me for having so many#im also scared about thirsdays one bc its for my ankle and hand pain and ironically the hand is way better and the ankle is also#more stable. something clicked again a couple days ago and fixed the pain in half of ky foot. no idea what happened there but#the click itself hirt like a bitch which is new. most of my pain doesnt start with a click and most clicks are painless#so fun#im just in a permanent state of being afraid i wont be taken seriously. my physio wanted a scan on my foot so om gonna#relay that but like idk what theyre gonna say. also if they do want to swnd me for a scan that's gpnna be ANOTHER appointment#so fuck me i guess. at the very leasy its not like severe psin any more so they wont send me to a and e for an x ray like they did#with my hip that one time. that would fucking suck to explain tp my manager#hey julia im fine but ive been sent ro rhe hospital for a scan so i guess ill be back when im back?#fuck me im anxious. and i hace so much apprenticeship work tp do i want to scream#also was distracted by my aching hands bc often they just ache abd successfully triggered myself so bow time to play what#is actual acge and what is remembered ache oh joy#one of the other appointments is gender clinic appointment abd im hoping to get referred for top surgery now ive been on t#for 9 months. waiting list gonna be like four fucking years but debating saving like mad abd going private bc jesus Christ#i cant bind bc of sensory problems and constantly aching ribs and last time i taped i ripped chunks of skin off so kinda#think i shouldn't do that again but like it sucks. not as bad now that my voice is dropping abd shit but still not fun#we'll see!
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traitor to the cause forgets national holiday every year KILL HIM
#just realized i wrote may instead of marsh lmao. fuck it#trans day of visibility#trans day of eating food#tdov#tdov 2024#transgender day of visibility#trans#transgender#lgbt#gay#my art#another year eh#still in pretransition purgatory (get me tf out!!!)#idk man past year's been bad. last time i showered was july i'm goin 9 months strong 9 months weak 9 months decrepit#i manage to go through the motions with not much else in the way of progress. eat sleap shit piss rinse reuse recycle#trans day of eating food is shaky too this year. just found out yesterday i can't eat a snack anymore that i've liked since i was a kid#discovered a new love for green beans though. everything in balance#with my living situation getting more unsafe i've been thinking a lot about asking my neighbor if i can stay with him and his family#cause i don't like... see people other than them anymore so i don't know anyone else i can ask lol#and maybe i can get my shit together and start transitioning if i get out..... it's the least i need to do anyways#at least i gotta ask if he would be willing to oversee my funeral in the event of it cause i do nnnnot trust my next of kin with that shit#go watch youtube “Protecting Trans Bodies in Death” by Caitlin Doughty. contains important info for anyone really but#especially so for the titular transengendered individual#write your will... OK?#it doesn't have to be a bummer do it with a friend make it a girls night boys night hotties sleepover#death mention cw#wish i had more to say on the topic this year that wasn't a downer. i'll see what the next year holds#and hey... if a guy like me isn't giving up a motherfucker like you sure as hell shouldn't... adios & bon voyage my compatriots. SALUTE
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What if Eddie’s 'refresh' and 'restart' comes about because Chris moves in with Buck, forcing Eddie to define himself outside of being a father and he has to come to terms with what he wants vs. what he thinks is good for Chris in s8.
Meanwhile it's also isolating himself because he feels like he doesn't deserve to see Chris after hurting him like that, because Chris is still angry at him and HURT, and because Chris is at Buck's and Chris is watching Buck Eddie distances himself from Buck, too, because he feels unwelcome?
#9-1-1 on abc#911 abc#911 on abc#eddie diaz#evan 'buck' buckley#christopher diaz#eddie needs to be at his lowest before he can pick himself back up#and while chris will move back in with eddie eventually i think eddie needs the space to get out of his own head and WORK THROUGH HIS ISSUES#he can't be the father Chris needs because of his baggage he needs to be better#but also not just for Chris but also for himself#i also think this will impact Buck too because i think the next step we're gonna see from Buck is how he wants to settle down and have kids#being Chris's guardian during this time will make him feel so happy#and then when Chris ultimately moves back in with Eddie Buck will start to realize the loft is way too empty#and of course this will lead to buddie
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the least feminist thing about me is that i absolutely will watch nba playoff games over wnba season openers. i wish they didn’t overlap 😭
#also im not buying wnba league pass we have so many sports channels already#we literally have espn 3 too and i will watch whichever game is on#also for some reason i get dallas’ bally sports too which fucking RULES#as a wings fan#that being said i have to force myself to miss this wolves nuggets game because why tf is it at 9:30#and i have to train myself to go to bed early and get up early for these next couple days so i can be ready for staff development day 🙄#by god i will not run late#i will wake up at 4:45 and have ample time for my entire morning routine#i will not rush#i will not be stressed#my uber will arrive on time….#i know this post sure seems like im back but. im not but sometimes you are lurking and need somewhere to express thoughts
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last night was rly weird i cant remember how much of it was sleep and how much was just me with my eyes shut but my heart physically hurts . time to go to work
#this is my earliest shift so far im warming up one of the older machines for the first time so i need to be there at 6:00am#at least i get to leave around 2:30#i refuse to do any overtime today last week was all 9 hour shifts with no lumch breaks#canto v#i spent all last night having fake rants to the guy who hired me telling him if i dont get more pto next year i quit
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ah, so the misophonia is part of the sensory processing disorder + etc. of course.
#misophonia#okay now that im where im coming from here:#does anyone else get Murderous when they hear lawnmowers/leafblowers/etc#like instant anger. not minor annoyance but This is about to Ruin the next few hours for me#like if someone was trying to get me to join the dark side or whatever but i was in firm disagreement until That Motor revs up#i want to enjoy the sounds of spring and summer but instead its fuck BRBRBRBRBRBRBRRBRRRBRBRBRBRBRRBRBRBRBRRRR#ALL THE DAMN DAY#its fucking night time rn;#its fucking RAINING#and i have a neighbor whos mowing her lawn#shes about ot get evicted out of this house w this giant ass lawn that only she lives in but shes MOWING HER FUCKING LAWN USING OUR POWER#i want all mowers and leaf blowers to explode forever#SHES FUCKING SITTING STILL ON HER PHONE RUNNING THE WORLDS LOUDEST SINGLE PASSENGER VEHICLE#AND I CANT FUCKING TELL HER TO HAVE A LICK OF SELF AWARENESS BC I HAVE FUCKING COVID SO I CANT LEAVE MY ROOM OR CLOSE MY WINDOWS#i swear to fucking god pls get me out of hereeeeeeee#my ears hurt so bad rn i wanna cry#thats all its been for htese days of isolation: mower after mower after mower after mower#i just wanna hear the wind! or the rain! or the birds! or the frogs! OR NOTHING!!!!#i cant fucking sleep thru it either ;;;;;;;;;;;;;#and whenever i describe this frustration no one in my family really sympathizes#they ask if ive tried my headphones which is would be helpful if i hadnt tried and failed w that for years#they just shrug and say 'well it has to be done' BUT WHY DO PPL 'NEED' TO MOW THEIR LAWNS EVERY FUCKING DAY#okay shes done now. at 9 fucking pm. ill be done now
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looking back on it i do think my childhood was engineered in a lab to make a really maladjusted person
#switching schools multiple times epr year bejng homeschooled off and on literally even like. the play i did JFNFJG#me playing with my dads handcuffs and locking myself up and then the next day im building fairy houses and shit. what on earth...#This is not mentioning the horrors of living with 2 people who need 2 get divorced so badly but theyve both never rly dated anybody else so#they just cant divorce now bc theyre so far in it. this is nottt mentioning the horrors of both of your parents using you to vent abt how#much they hate their spouse. when youre like 9#<- it was like kinda fun bc I also got to bitch abt my parents bc i had gripes witj both of them. but also its so exhausting. everyy convo#i have with my dad if i even Mention my mom its immediately Ugh infuckjng hate her i hate that she did that and its like . ok i was judt#sharing a funny story . would u guys please divorce eachother and get over yourselves
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