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wordsarefakeokay · 9 months

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What does capitalism taste like

Does it taste like white picket fences and 2.5 kids

What about a dog in the backyard and BBQs on the weekend

Knowing all your neighbors names and having the HOA on speed dial

Does it taste like the life you want to live?

Are the HOA in your contacts because they keep calling you

Or are you calling them

Does that complicated C word taste the homogeneity in your neighborhood

Where the police arrive in 2 seconds flat, with a gate and a patrol to match

Does it taste like "I'll wait here for your manager" and weekends at the golf course

Does it taste like a martini because the trophy spouse has a long day?

Does it taste like security cams and a ranch on the property with the stable boys and the guest house to the side with the cabana ones?

Does it taste like equestrianship is in your blood from birth? What about fencing?

Does it taste like ivy league vines crawling up babies spines from birth?

Does it taste like "Harvard is your dream not mine" and then rebellion

Does rebellion look like a fully funded backpack trip to Europe with your first great love

Or does it look like "I'm going to work for my parents equally rich rival company"

Or does it look like different freedom, independence, simply a different life

Where you can still ask your parents for money because you reached a happy ever after in the movie

What does capitalism taste like

Happily ever after is fake for us real folks so it must hold true for those up top right?

People in gated communities who's stepford mother's figures are earned with the local book club

Who's menopause kicks in at the same pace because we're all just clucking hens bonding together aren't we

Aren't we all just girls looking to connect with other girls in line for the bathroom?

Let's be honest, we all have some kind of mommy issue don't we? #justgirlythings

And what about the men? Is it really just an opportunity to measure up?

Is it a subtle side eye to measure manhood, even tho bro code states "thou must not make eye contact with another bro I'm the bathroom"

Doe you feel like enough when you see a guy like your ex is now dating

Do you feel reassured when you notice your manhood is better?

Why does size matter?

Why am I automatically called "a little lady" by cowboys who are raised to believe "bigger in Texas" really means better

Is this what capitalism does

Does "be a man" follow men into the bathroom like "don't be a pussy" does for women?

Why must public communal bathrooms make us decide a gender right at that moment

Can't we measure a bathroom by the content of their room?

Stalls or urinals? Privacy or not? Right this way fellow citizen

Citizen. Human. Person. Life.

What does capitalism taste like

Does it taste like legislation against the gays?

No cakes no websites no space no homos

No healthcare no rights no sports pro bono

Hare dare anyone use pronouns! Fake news!

Them libs want you to think you can be referred to anything but your name. It's the devil's work

Didnt you hear that song? Call me by your name? He was a devil in the music I daresay! The devil!!

I'd let the devil fuck me

At least he would treat me right and show me a good time

What has capitalism done

This thing we fought for so that all our founders' legacies might have a future

Future away from tyranny and taxation and being slaves to our king

We have no kind any more, no crown jewels to protect, but we act the same

Why is the one who's always on top always the winner who writes the history

The winner who's educated

from a family with money

who were taught good Christian values

with a fencing rapier in hand and

Shakespeare in their veins

Is this what capitalism does

Dilutes us to the elite

Homogeneous suburbia and "all you need is fairy tales and you can be rich too"

Political correctness and "just find a man to solve your problems"

It's not just little girls who get told their not good enough

The gender non conforming community has definitely unlocked a whole cheat code on life

That and the furries who have been the scientific backbone of this country for eons

But why do my apples taste not like what an apple tree looks like in the movies?

The one in the corner of Mamma Mia on the isle in Greece

Where my problems were solved by not getting married but traveling the world as a skinny white woman with her Kenough manly man

Singing voice for character wink

Why don't my apples taste like those on the Grecian island where the stories of the locals are forgotten to the American story, the American dream

I escaped my mom and became one myself

I'm a self made woman now

With a mortgage she can't pay and life problems that were clearly solved by marrying the man who hurt her the most in life

Why doesn't my apple taste like how that apple tree looks?

Why doesn't it taste like the apple from the garden?

Why doesn't it taste like the freedom eve must have felt when she disobeyed

Why is the taste of temptation diluted in my cheap apple from the superstore in the fruit section

Does it taste like pesticide and FDA regulations

Who keeps them in check? The CDC? WHO?

The DOJ or FBI or NAFTA or the Geneva convention

Was it a Geneva suggestion or a line from the treaty of Versailles or did agent orange bring us here

How many babies were born deformed before I ate this apple

And how many nat GMO products have I consumed that my human body has endured?

What does capitalism taste like? Because I swear, remaining tribal lands must not be like this

Forgotten poor African villages eat different

Forgotten poor native south America cultures remain intact on top of mountains that the white or Spanish or French have not yet learned to monetize

And now they will never because the people on the ground know better and are stronger

And capitalism stays the same

Progress is progress no matter how small

But all this progress

Is it good for us

Good for our taste buds

They say to beware vaccines and microchips but aren't we already a cyborg because we carry a favored microchip in our hands?

The ones we avoid calls from home on and instead laugh at cat videos

We share, bare our souls online to strangers but the people in our lives could never break our pokerface

But if we were born this way

Would we ever know what capitalism tastes like

If we don't ask someone else?

Does capitalism taste like the additive sugar in a fun size bar of crunch

Does it taste like the chocolate take over energy found in the Nestle headquarters

Or does it taste like the cocaine they put into coca cola to keep people buying more

I'm not convinced that the girl scouts didn't take that idea for themselves

Does capitalism taste like the working conditions of these massive corporate overlords

Or the factories where they bottle and bag and package comfort for 1.25

Does it taste the endless metallic conveyor belts

Or the chance that peanuts were used in any of those products

Does it taste like our countries trade deal for cheap products made from other companies

Does it taste like the the sweat shops that make your favorite new shirt or those fashionable high tops

Does it take like the abused labor that built this country

Does it taste like all the ghost statues of people who should have been memorialized instead of forgettable white men from history

Does it taste like the rust they should have earned all along

Or does it taste like the pain of forgotten artists

The heart of Harlem the beasts of Boston the cheeps of the Cherokee

Does it sound like the ones who's names we forget

The neglected breaks of the Oregon trail the gentrification of the only pockets of culture in this country

The Japanese internment camps

Border patrol and the place where there was almost a wall

Are the tears of all the family members of witches still a part of Salem

What about the hurt caused by the fights for gender equality that excluded black women

Does capitalism taste like Jim Crow or strange fruit

Just because it's rotting in the back doesn't mean it's in our past

These caged birds still sing can't you hear?

I fear for my brother and my niece and my nephew daily, their lives matter too

Friends neighbors family

They're still part of your labor or did you forget what The 13th taught us

Toni Morrison, Frederick Douglas

Miles Davis, Billie Holliday

MLK and Malcom X

HER and Missy Elliott

They run in our veins

The revolution is not televised

Stonewall certainly can't be told by anyone else

Nor can we forget the power of black trans women in the creation of pride spaces

What about the flyover cities that are meant for rural living with signs screaming "no airport here"

The pain of the indigenous people who's land a mindless mall was built over

Being given back land that belonged to those born here ages past

Ancestral home can be yours with a side of steak knives

And while I'm here can I interest you in the Book of Mormon

What about their tears? Their blood their breaks their pain

Does capitalism taste like that?

The endless lost even now and memorialized in art with a red handprint to their portrait

The lack of water and resources to land promised back

Ancestral home returned but you're on your own. Unless you're ready to hear about our Lord and savior

When will we realize we aren't a savior to begin with

Is this what capitalism tastes like?

Institutions built for white people who forgot that the land isn't theirs and never was

Home of the brave where those with the most force and money can get anywhere

We're the underdogs, the land of opportunity, come on by

You just have to follow these few simple rules

So if you're not perfect or cookie cutter, don't worry we'll just sand around the edges

So you'll fit into these boxes and society can know what to do with you

But if you're too much or not enough be ready to hate the rest of your days here

Welcome to the country of goldilocks and fuck you if you're not "just right"

What does capitalism taste like for you?

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onlineproblems · 10 months

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@jjohnnyutah okay I'm out of the shower. here goes, the xfiles word vomit

i wish i remembered more of season 1 and i guess 2 but i started watching like a year ago and i wasnt sure how i felt about it at the time and sort of half paid attention to the majority of the episodes. i plan to rewatch anyway but most of my excitement for the show peaked around mid-late season 2, when i felt like i knew what was going on (that didnt last) and i understood the dynamics between all the characters.

nobody could ever guess /s but i ADORE scully. i love and identify with her repressed catholic/survivors guilt and inability to express herself and the way she puts too much of herself into a quest that wasn't even hers to start with. and then finally opens up and leaves her shell and gets to be silly later in the show with a wry, dry humor that complements mulder's goofiness.

i think the baby arc is one of the dumbest things i've ever seen (not that i've seen all of it yet, but jesus it's so dumb). maybe it's because i'm a bitter childless hag but i dont relate to her intense desire to have children and i feel like when she got pregnant the writers absolutely mauled her personality to death. ffs they already put her through every other torture they could devise, why not a lobotomy? everyone knows motherhood makes you weak-willed and stupid. i mean im exaggerating but it's because the anger is fresh lol.

I'm so so scared to watch the revival because i don't want it to warp my nostalgic understanding of the characters. i love them and want them to live forever in a little bubble in Vancouver, fighting the moth men (yes that ep was so good) and getting up to shenanigans while CSM and Krycek does his incompetent bullshit off to the side.

I've seen several people talk about Jewish Mulder and i think the idea makes a lot of sense, and didn't they even reference it a time or two in the show? like the ep with the golem? i got mad when they gave him a Christian burial lol.

i like mulder's appreciation for the beauty in the weird and how he doesn't give a shit for what anyone thinks of him except Scully. i like that he's so wrapped up in the wonders out there but is also staunchly atheistic.

i didn't want Samantha's disappearance to be solved because it seemed like such a trite ending to mulder's trauma and the ultimate mystery in his life. i guess it was a good enough solution, but her abduction was what fueled him and gave him meaning and to wrap it up with a bow felt...idk, dismissive almost. i wanted closure for him but not necessarily answers. if your life's meaning is to search for answers, and suddenly you can have all the answers to the universe, where do you find meaning then? I may not be making sense lmao

and i think that's when i enjoy the x files most, when it's not trying to package things all neatly. maybe it's trying to ask a question, or maybe it's just trying to have fun, or both, but it's not trying too hard. the mythology is too much for me and frankly detracts from my enjoyment of... it. they wanted something epic and mysterious and then couldn't make any sense out of their own cryptic bullshit.

self-contained episodes like clyde bruckman, asking a question about determinism and big stuff like that without getting preachy or condescending, are excellent.

there's a hundred other things i could say but... that's enough for now lol.

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papirouge · 7 months

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Lol the stories about the child sacrifice and abortion parallels plus the boy wanting and mutilating himself to be an animatronic as a trans allegory are pretty based and at least the last one seems quite likely to be based on that if the original creator was the one who came up with the idea. how in hell did people even find out he was a registered republican voter? how do you even register yourself as a voter for a particular party?? in my country, things don't work like that so I'm lost. your vote is completely confidencial so it shouldn't be possible for anyone to know such info unless someone close to him decided to spill the beans.

I think i've heard before something about the creator of fnaf being cancelled but for some reason I had the idea it was for being christian, perhaps i'm confusing him with another game creator...

like i said i only play minecraft and pokeymon, but notch, the creator of minecraft, has also had his heated gamer moments too. he said trans women aren't women, he said people who didnt believe in a straight pride parade deserved to be shot, said feminism was a social disease and called a feminist a cunt, said there was nothing wrong about white pride (then later kinda recanted by saying something like "I didnt know there were only some groups allowed to feel proud of who they are"), and something else about not giving in to mentall illness in reference to transgenderism, though later kinda apologized saying he didnt understand trans identities very well. obviously, references to his name got erased in many products and even the game itself, only visible once after you beat the ender dragon, and microsoft banned him from their events ever since.

pokemon creators havent had these type of controversies which i attribute to having a better pr team and not growing up alongside social media and decide it's a great idea to post any thought that passes through their head. theyve had some though, like with jynx believed to be a racial stereotype (supposedly though she's based on ganguro fashion and the "fat lady" of an opera) so her skin was changed from black to purple. interestingly, ludicolo is a very obvious mexican stereotype yet nobody cares lol.

i do think its kinda funny when these authors get cancelled but they stil keep them/their product around to milk it to death.

and I might or might not watch the video. ive watched some youtube essays before but never that long, so we'll see...

I mean only mentally ill people like me would be dedicated to watch a 9 hours lore video essay, so I don't blame you anon lol

I am too very confused about the registred political alignement thing but I gues that's yet another dystopian US lunacy. In my country this stuff doesn't exist neither. I heard some celebrities/influencer get flack for being Republican (Jaclyn Hill comes to mind) but I have no idea how people/haters manage to get this information. I guess they are available on public record or stuff like that.

Since FNAF has a VERY dedicated fandom, I am not surprised some fans went as far as to sleuth this info out.

That minecraft guy sounds like a legit asshole though and he deserved to be canceled idc I HATE when people make foul out of themselves for the whole world to see, and then act shook when people don't want to have anything to do with them anymore. I hope he didn't have the audacity to whine about "Mh fReeDoM oF sPeeCh" because dude was apparently saying it was ok to kill people for having disagreeing opinions🙃

On the opposite, Scott Cawthon is SUPER lowkey & private and never explicitely said anything rude or insulting. People just started hating him for being Republican and allegedly Christian (which I think nobody found actual evidence of)

And animatronic aren't allegory of trans people, it was only the B-7 story of a boy butchering himself as one. The whole FNAF story is Scott Cawthon creation. He just co-writes the book with a female author, but only him creates the lore. Animatronics are regular robot who are possessed by the spirit of dead children.

I didn't know they changed Jynx color 'o' I never thought anything about this design - I felt like she didn't even have skin, but but more like a void lmao (like these spectre type pokemon)

I roll my eyes at article defending this design à la "oooh but Sugiomori didn't want to offend anyone uwu" ok but Pokémon is now a game with an INTERNATIONAL audience. If Nintendo wants to keep making bucks out of their game, they have to adapt themselves to foreign audience. This sort of "purity complex" when it comes from japanese cultural assets coming into the West is insufferable. No culture is immune to criticism.

Ganguro started around 1996 which is the year when the first Pokémon game came out...so I highly doubt Sugimori would be already aware of this trend during the game development. Japan already had a weird thing with dark/black skin, so Jynx simply might be yet another design celebrating this brand of "quirkiness".

#answered #gaming

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sk3tch404 · 1 year

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Lmao np <33 I always enjoy drawing Yandere's as pathetic lil meow meows hehe (funfact: I actually drew Rory first but after I finished his lineart I was like, wait shit I don't have a full color reference- and then I hyperfocused on drawing jay instead lol)

Also, you 🤝 me: jayce + jack o' lanterns = stonks ✅ ✅ ✅

Also also, ngl if Darling were self-aware she'd def hate me, because I always try to speedrun the Bad ending first lmaooo

Also^3, every time I hear baggy pants, I can't help but remember the boys I went to school with a few years ago, who wore the most ugly, most a t r o c i o u s pairs of baggy pants I have ever seen 💀💀

For Reference: https://imgur.com/a/fZsHsF7

This is what I'm talking about^^ like pls,, just sTO P-

About the blue reference, the paragraph I meant was the one about how I only liked EJ so much because of his BLUE mask 😔 young me truly set the bar too low (maybe it's because of him that I'm attracted to most fictional mad scientists/doctors with no morals now, damn this bastard 😒)

Oh, and the OG mikey myers Movie is the 1978 one! ^^

And finally about the Christian Gang /hj (every holiday Yandere of yours has/used to have strong Christian influences but these three are still considered extra Christian to me so I'm just gonna start calling em that lolololol)

Gonna be honest, when you revealed that one of them was gonna be Christmas, I immediately headcanoned him as just some guy in Christmas elf costume- thank god that's not the case though (I say, even though I know damn well that I'm still gonna draw him in that costume the nanosecond you drop a ref for him, because he's a lil skrimblo who needs to get a reality check via me shitposting him into humility)

Also ofc the twins are ginger 😒🙄 /derogatory /j okay but fr, whenever I see a fictional ginger online I'm like ....Ed Sheeran??? 😱😱 (coughcoughchildecough)

-Ren'py anon

OKAY OKAY I'LL DROP A SMIDGE OF RORY SPRITES SO U CAN COLOR IT BBG

He only wears shades outside lol

HEHEHE YES JACK O'LANTERN STONKS GO UP IN THE BRAIN CELL ACTIVITY

Eh, I mean, its always fun to get the bad ending first though. Just to see then get all angry and violent 😍 good shit tbh

MC would def hate you, but I feel like it would take a bit to get the bad bad ending yk? I don't have the obvious, good/neutral/bad choices most of the time (although there are some choices that will obviously lead to negative consequences lol)

JAYCE ONLY WEARS THE ONES IN STYLE RN NOT THOSE LMAOOOO

Though they can look good if done right, those boys at school were definitely not doing it right 💀

Now I understand the blue reference! Ugh how did I MISS IT SO BAD 😭 gosh you were going crazy abt him and the color blueeeeee

I understand how that all kick started ur obsession with fucked up men. We are one in the same 😎

Hehehe thank you for the confirmation! I will be watching Myers stand there menacingly as I look up fics of him 😍

It's so funny that you call them the Christan gang, but it's not gonna have all the significant original values and whatnot. It's just a global holiday thingy that everybody does regardless of religious background (Though I'm glad you still see their origins and acknowledge their important purpose to many other people!)

GOD HELP WHY? I ONLY WATCHED LIKE 10 MINUTES IF THAT ELF MOVIE WHEN I WAS IN 6TH GRADE DURING LUNCH? WHY WERE THEY PLAYING IT DURING LUNCH YOU ASK? BC OF CHRISTMAS OR SMTH IDK, BUT IT WAS OKAY IG

It would be very funny to see him as an elf that works at the mall as a side 😇 He needs it anyway

Regarding the Twin's, THEY HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE MAKE GINGER JOKES, SO BAD. THE MINUTE SOMEONE SAYS ANYTHING ABT ED SHEERAN AROUND THEM, THEY EITHER ZIP OUT OF THERE OR FIGHT. NO IN BETWEEN.

Typical gingers 🙄 so sensitive dude

Childe is one of the only gingers I can tolerate. If these two didnt have a life and played Genshin, they would favor Childe so much.

#renpy anon #sorry this took ao long to answer #rory flynn

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peaceofthespirit · 2 years

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hi! u did specify so u like. deffo didnt do anything wrong but still, would u mind calling ppl who take the bible literally "biblical literalists" or smth instead of "orthodox"? for obvious reasons lmao id rather my religion not be associated with a different meaning, and clarifying with "russian orthodox" also sucks because. uh. other obvious reasons why parts of eastern europe wouldnt want to have to define a part of their cultural identity as russian

ty a lot! again i understand the way u used orthodox there makes sense in context and everything just. yk specifically re: christianity it would b nice if u tried not to in the future😭

I mean, I don't personally care for using the word in that sense (for the reasons you said, Orthodoxy is its own tradition, and one that I do admire a lot btw!), but I'm referring to people I've encountered on twitter who are Anglican and all have "inclusive orthodox" in their bios, which is why I tried to explain it (in at least one of my posts) to avoid confusion. Idk if "Biblical Literalists" is quite the right word to describe them either because (as pointed out in a twitter thread that I shared on here), a lot of them don't take the Hebrew Bible literally (they believe in evolution, see the stories as allegorical, etc) but take the new testament literally AND see the creeds (at "face value") as the one correct interpretation/summation of the new testament. I know some people talk about "Capital O" Orthodox and lowercase "orthodox," but that gets confusing when online we often don't capitalize in general...

I'll make sure that if I mention them again like that I'll phrase it more like "so called 'inclusive orthodox' Anglicans/Protestants" in quotations and explain. And yeah I really do think that we need a better word or term to describe them, I'll try to come up with a good alternative!

Sometimes I like to refer to them as just "progressives", as opposed to unorthodox/heterodox, but that term is really broad and some of them reject that term and some unorthodox people embrace it so idk.

I will say too, that if you ever want to avoid having to call it "Russian" Orthodox if someone is confused, you could always say "Eastern Orthodox" or "Oriental Orthodox" or "[Insert Culture Here] Orthodox" and I think people generally will understand what you mean? Or I would hope so...

Thank you for pointing that out!

#ask #progressive christian

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betterchedder · 6 months

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Hi! my name is Cheddar, im 21, I use she/him pronouns! This blog is where i tried to read the entire bible in 2024.... uh i didnt (i mean there is still time but uhhh....) anyways, now its a place for my thoughts, beliefs, thology, and just general faith stuff. (I follow from @/thisone....)

im a lapsed protestant (united church of canada)

I am queer, my queerness like my christianity is apart of what makes me me, the church i grew up in was very accepting, I knew Christian love long before I knew Christian hate. If you dislike queer people, leave. If you think God hates queer people leave, if you think jesus hates queer people LEAVE, if you think God "loves the sinner but not the sin" in reference to queer love, joy and sex L E A V E. God loves everyone, Jesus loves everyone, and Jesus surrounded himself with societal outcasts and marginalized peoples, to say that Jesus would hate gay people is not only a lie, it is directly against scripture.

here are the rest of my rent lowering gunshots to get the american fundamentalists away.

Jesus loves trans people

Jesus loves sex workers

Jesus loves queer people

Jesus loves people of all religions

Jesus loves children

Jesus thinks women are equal to men

Jesus was a refugee

Jesus loves everyone, and yes that includes EVERYONE.

my tagging system:

# modern theology -> any modern or contemporary theologian's or minister's (or priest, or reverends, etc etc etc) interpretation of the bible.

# cheddar posts -> all my posts, self exlainitory

# meme -> memes, jokes, and funny things (i scroll here when i am sad)

# art -> pretty self explanatory

# sermon -> again quite self explainitory

# prayer ->.... self explanatory

I also tag each post with the relevant holiday, book of the bible, or topic.

#cheddar posts

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ithisatanytime · 10 months

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[MV] DREAMTRAK「ODYSSEY PT.2」

i know the bible says love thy enemy as thyself, but it does mean your brother, sometimes you and your brother will be eneimes. for instance the romans, they were of hebrew stock and maccabbees records the discovery of documents to this end. so when the romans attacked and murdered christians, and the christians instead of fighting back forgave them, the romans were moved in their hearts because there is love in their hearts, and rome became christian by their example and martyrdom and through rome the world. but god cursed the snake from the beginning in the garden, that there would forever be enmity between the serpent and man, that the serpent would bite at his heel and the man would forever crush its head. are we to give the serpent our other heel? no, and the serpent did not stop there, immediately his seed is upon the world in cain, the first murderer who god references when he says to the so called jews of the time “your fater was a murderer from the beginning” and again through noahs son canaan. do you think this poetic turn in the genisis garden story is meant to be an explanation for why snakes and men dont get along or is there something more important being spoken of? remember the romans were moved because there was love in their hearts and they know godliness when they see it because it was in them too, they were of abraham and therefore god, but the serpent, these canaanites are alien inside, thats why christ commands us not to throw our pearls before swine lest they be trampled, the gifts of god are not for trambling under the heels of these so called jews. remember jesus said there was NO love in them, and again he literally whooped their fucking asses. forgivness is for your brothers and sisters in christ when you should have discord, if a man with love in his heart should fall on hard times and resort to theft, and you gave him also your cloak, he might be moved in that instant to repent because love resonates with love, but if you were robbed by one of the serpent, and you gave him also your cloak, hed rape you also and murder you and your innocent blood would fill the earth. christ didnt demand we run with open arms like lemmings into the gaping maw of satan, he warned us against them warned us to be on our guard against them! so what we might love them harder? it is how i say it is

#youtube

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antiloreolympus · 3 years

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10 Anti LO Asks

1. i keep trying to convince myself that this trainwreck of a court scene is going to end but every new chapter proves me wrong💀💀 there's no real suspense and the dialogue holds no weight like bro...?? it just feels dragged out

2. (TW: NSFW TEXT) i think true beauty discourse died down bc the kdrama of it was well received and fixed most of the comic's issues but lets play?? girl that whole comic is a mess and a half. just in the last few episodes it's doubled down on being racist with its black and asian characters with the creator mass banning ppl from its discord over it and even showed an onscreen orgasm with NO content warning despite young kids being its biggest demographic. LP and LO are the real toxic OTP here.

3. Hermes says Persephone has the same thoughtful gaze as Athena. I get that it might have been a lie to appease Demeter, but like... That made me lose my shit LMAO

-----FP Spoilers/Mention-----

4. technically olympus IS heaven in greek mythology, and its only for the gods and people they give godhood to. the concept of the afterlife in greek myth is not split into heaven, purgatory, and hell, and tbh unless you were especially awful in life you'd have a nice afterlife regardless, but idk wha to expect from a series that is hellbent (no pun intended) on being an american, christian-morality-following product over even trying to resemble actual ancient greek society and culture. :/

5. FP// the shades wouldn't need persephone to "save" them from eternal slavery if her precious uwu boss i mean future husband didnt make their afterlife and the underworld a slavery-driven capitalist hellscape. like seriously? he's the issue here in that regard, not persephone trying to relieve her own guilt. which btw her even admitting that shows her as only thinking about HERSELF, not the shades whose eternal afterlives are made to serve her future husband. this whole thing is so gross.

6. of course rachel sees the greek afterlife in christian terms. elysium is not "heaven", its the place for heroes and the deities' favored to go in death, with the asphodel fields being just as good but not as extravagant. let me put it in capitalist terms like LO would approve of: if elysium is the skyline penthouse, then asphodel is the brown brick townhouses. one is more lux, but they're both good. also according to hesiod kronos rules over elysium, so how is rachel gonna work around that, hmm?

7. No matter how dumb or whatever the Persephone-helping-the-shades thing is, how about we don't distort "white savior"? Like, leave it to the situations that involve race, don't blur the lines, words have meaning, you know. And don't go comparing white people to gods, even LO ones.

From OP: The reason the comparison was made also has to do with the classism/fantasy racism/slavery already present in LO. I wasn’t comparing white people to LO gods, I was comparing Persephone’s behavior to the trope itself but I see why it comes off that way. I’ll refer to it as her being a ‘savior’ though.

8. so .... uh ... is the implication now in 180 that even the best of the greeks are slaves to hades bc theres no "good" area for them to go to? like hades had the option to create elysium before this but never did bc he preferred to have them as eternal slaves? like this all just makes hades look even worse and doesnt help persephone look better, you know that right, rachel?? right??

9. Persephone is creating Elysium? Holy shit.... Holy. Mother. Fucking. Shit. This comic is literally insane.

10. does .. does rachel know elysium is only reversed for the greatest of mortals and heroes of greece? bc the shades she killed would likely not go there, theyd go to the asphodel fields with the majority of others. kinda weird rachel seems to be admitting she only sees the underworld as hell and a "heaven" needs to be created to counteract it when?? thats not how the afterlife worked in mythology??

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

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generalnoschicken · 2 years

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(you already know what time it is: me being a simp for the more redeeemable asshole in the redactedverse)

christian first date hcs

(refer to this poat before reading in order for it to make sense)

so, after hitting it off at the coffee shop, chritian finally decides to text his new found 'fling' about meeting up again

'hey'

christian could not help but stare at the phone for about 10 minutes afterbhe sent the message,,"this is stupid thers no way their gonna-"

'heyy i was wondering when you were gonna talk to me again'

'really? if you really wanted to talk to me why didnt you text first?'

he couldnt believe the nerve of them to make him all nervous and blushy and anxious and then never reach out only to say that they wanted him to do it first

'i got nervous ok?! its not often that i like someone like i like you and i dont want to mess it up is all'

oh. christian didnt know how to feel about that one but before he could say anything,,

'theres this drive in movie that i was planning to go see tonight, do you wanna tag along?'

YES ABSOLUTELY YES NOTHING WOULD BE BETTER (hes whipped your honor)

'yeah sure sounds cool. send me your address and ill come pick you up'

ok now on to the actual date (yk the point of this post im sorry this is sooo long)

they go to see this really bad, cringy romantic 'comedy' if you could even call it that, christian sure wouldn't

"this movie sucks"

"oh thank god i thought that i was gonna have to pretend i liked it just incase you did"

'wow' was all christian could think. they would really fake their enjoyment for him? of all people? if he wasnt head over heels before (he was) then he certainly is now

they go on,,

"but yeah it sucks ass like aside from all the bad acting and dry dialouge, i swear i almost throw up in my mouth whenever he calls her one of thise cheesy nicknames. 'sweetness', 'cookie'? please i wouldve broken up with him"

christian is curious by nature, its the wolf in him ofc

"really? i wouldve thought you like those names"

"me? ew, no gross. i mean, regular petnames are fine i guess, 'baby' , 'honey' , even 'darling' is acceptable but when they get overly sweet or like food related, im out"

"thats unfortunate cupcake, youre missing out"

"im not missing out on jack shi- wait. did you just-?"

christian is rather pleased with the blush on their face and he coulve sworn there was a hint of a smile

"what cupcake? flustered?"

"yeah just a bit not gonna lie," they lean in close realll close and chritian couldve sworn he lost the ability to breathe, "but call me cupcake again, and we're gonna have a problem"

'i want a problem GOD do i want a problem'

"understood"

"good now lets get out of here. theres a diner not too far away, best burgers you will ever have in your life im telling you"

(hope you enjoyed cuz i certainly did)

#redacted asmr #redacted tag #redacted christian #pissy chrissy #aussie boi

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theoriesandsuch · 3 years

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Archons and their relation with Gnosticism

Woo okay this might sound like a rant, I might edit it later. There aren't really any spoilers in here is just research. I do mention the names of the Archons and that's it.

Alright. In Genshin Impact there are seven archons and seven gnosis.

First off, the word "Archon" comes from Gnosticism. Archons are described as the builders of the physical universe. In game the archons literally shape their specific areas. In Gnosticism, the archons are rulers, each related to one of the seven planets. (these planets are only the ones visible by eye) (moon, Mercury, Venus, the sun, mars, Jupiter and Saturn) Sometimes there are more than seven but seven is the most common and is probably what genshin is based on. The archons are sometimes refered to as the "furthest thing from God."

(If your wondering what that means, same here, also I'll get to that in a different rant thing)

Archons have a very negative connotation. Always. Even the god of Gnosticism, the One, has an extremely negative connotation.

The gnosis is Gnosticism is knowledge. A specific type of knowledge of insight into the ultimate essence of something.

In Gnosticism the names of the archons are listed below:

Yaldabaoth (Saturn +Pronoia)

Lao (Jupiter +Lordship)

Sabaoth (mars +Deity)

Astaphanos (Venus +Sophia)

Adonaios (the sun + kingship)

Elaios (Mercury + jealousy)

Horaios (the moon +wealth)

All of the Archons name vary a lot but they aren't ever anything like Ei or Zhongli. It is hard to find a consistent list of the seven but Yaldabaoth is normally the first archon.

Each of the Archons also have a feminine name, I'm not really sure what it means but I added it, added in the ()() things.

Some of the feminine names can represent contracts or something, it's a bit of a stretch so it won't be in here much.

While the concept of Archon comes from Gnosticism, the names of the archons are from demonology. (mainly Christian and Jewish versions so far)

I'll list the names I found below

Barbatos

Baal/Bael

Beelzebub

Decarabia

Morax/Marax/Foraii

Paimon

(I searched for Osial and there were a few that were close, I didnt add them tho)

The list of demons that were also named characters as of the Inazuma Archon quest are all gods except for paimon.

The names of the next archons will most likely also be related to demons.

If I got anything wrong, please inform me. I'll get to the theories about paimon and the furthest from God thing next.

#genshin theory #genshin #gaming #fan theory

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thunderon · 3 years

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who wants to read my take on Camilla Hect, Biblical References, and the Implications for Alecto?

i am not waiting for an answer so i typed it all up and it's below the cut. i tried to make it easy to follow for those with zero background in christianity while adding context to muir's references, so hopefully it’s good.

before i get into the cam meta, we need to back up and lay some groundwork for context. i’ve said this before, but i believe gideon’s death at the end of gideon the ninth represents the crucifixion of Jesus. i think it’s fairly straightforward and this analogy is a general consensus in the fandom, but im going to break it down in case anyone reading this wants a proper explanation:

- both Jesus and Gideon are the ‘child of God’

- both Jesus and Gideon predict their own death three times

- jesus was pierced with a spear during the crucifixion, gideon was pierced with a railing

- jesus and gideon both were resurrected

now here's some biblical context for all my non-christians. the purpose of the crucifixion of jesus is partially explained in the bible verse John 3:16. in the verse, it is stated that jesus died on the cross to forgive humanity's sin so that whoever believes “shall not perish but have eternal life”.

in gtn, gideon verbally forgives harrow and then dies for her in order to help her attain lyctorhood, literally saving her from perishing and giving her eternal life.

okay, so that establishes gideon as our jesus and her death as our crucifixion. now why do i say camilla is mary magdalene and why is it important?

tamsyn has made it overtly clear that camilla's storyline is paralleling a lot of mary's biblical experiences. i think by following this string of theory, we can get a rough grasp on what we're going to see in alecto the ninth.

i'm going to walk you guys through my thought process on where i started with this. it came to me on my very first read of htn when camilla is speaking harrow and she says:

“The Cohort took the rest of him away. And I don’t know where they have put him.”

due to being a former good christian, i immediately knew it was Mary Magdalene's line when she is looking for Jesus' body after the crucifixion. camilla's line is taken directly from that line in the bible verse John 20:13! here's the exact verse for comparision:

“They have taken away my Lord's body and I don't know where they have put him.”

muir said "copy+paste" and went with it. respect. but that line made me sit back and think "why?" because muir has shown that she doesn't put in biblical references for no reason. her biblical references usually foreshadow plot points. so why does muir use this line, in this situation, with camilla hect?

earlier i said mary is important, and i wasn't kidding. in the bible, mary magdalene is a witness to three major biblical events. she witnesses:

- the Crucifixion of Christ

- the Resurrection of Christ

- the Empty Tomb

in gideon the ninth, camilla is there to witness gideon’s death, which i established is our tlt crucifixion. what about the other two?

we don't know for sure what happened at the conclusion of gtn. the cohort took palamedes, but john told harrow that gideon’s body was never recovered. we know mercymorn was working with BoE and DID see gideon’s body. she saw gideon’s corpse, and apparently gideon bears enough of a resemblance to commander wake that mercy immediately knew gideon was her child. mercy did lament that she never checked the eyes, thus didnt know that john was gideons father. theoretically BoE could have known the true parenthood of wakes kid and took the body. or not. we really don’t know.

but if BoE took gideon's body along with camilla, judith, and corona, cam theoretically could have kept track of it. ive said here why i think the narrator in the epilogue is in some form gideon. if im right, this would make camilla the witness to the resurrection of gideon. which means we have one more parallel for camilla to see. The Empty Tomb.

the tag line at the end of harrow the ninth is

“The tomb will open in ALECTO THE NINTH”

that's obviously mysterious as all hell. but if muir is continuing her parallel of camilla and mary, i'd be willing to bet camilla is going to be the witness to the empty tomb, whether it's the tomb on the ninth, harrow's river tomb, or the speculative tomb on the first.

i'm currently workshopping a theory on cam and pals lyctorhood, what state gideon is in narrating the epilogue in (and why), what's going to happen in atn among other things. as always, i am frothing at the mouth to answer questions or hear everyone else's opinions/theories/feedback. my ask box/dms are always open!

#the locked tomb #harrow the ninth #gideon the ninth #op

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drifblimss · 3 years

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content warnings for my blog❤️🐌

✨this is my personal blog, i didnt make it with the goal of gaining a following in mind. i vent here sometimes. everything i share is completely random based on if i want to share it!! so it might not be the blog for everyone. if you are looking at my blog, please be mindful that some of the content i share here may be triggering to anyone who:✨

🧃struggles with disordered eating, or has in the past [whether to are currently in recovery or not] [i share posts of imagines of food, posts describing food, posts discussing eating and i may occasionally share posts that related to struggling with disordered eating, like not wanting to eat or not eating for periods of time]

🧃is struggling with self h//rm via self inflicted w//unds [ex c//tting or p//cking], has struggled with it in the past, or who has contemplated intentionally causing injury to their own body at any point. [i share imagines of sharp items like knives and swords, and on occasion may share imagines of things like r//zor bl//des. i will never reblog imagines of recent wounds. I may reblog images of people with scars.]

🧃is uncomfortable with or triggered by traumacore, or by people venting in places you can see it [talking in images or text posts about feeling angry, sad, depressed, empty, used, traumatized, dirty, violated, misunderstood, unloved, unwanted, worthless etc. these are strong emotions to take in and you are not a bad person if you are uncomfortable with or upset by seeing these things]

🧃is uncomfortable seeing content that is sexual in nature [references to sex, references to kink, photos or images of people or characters in lingerie, sexual jokes, or images that are depicted prior to, during, or after the character[s] depicted have had sex or done sexual things]

🧃is uncomfortable with or triggered by seeing posts about age regression, also known as agere [any and all posts that have anything to do with agere that are shared on this blog will be SAFE FOR WORK, cgl is another thing entirely. This blog is a safe space away from ddlg/cgl and age regression will not be spoken about in an even remotely sexual way on this blog. Diaper related content will also not be anywhere on this blog. Diaper-use isn’t always sexual, but my exclusion of it from the content I share is a personal preference.]

🧃is uncomfortable with discussion of i references to non-monogamous relationships [discussion of ongoing or past non-monogamous relationships, text or images referencing or hinting at non-monogamous relationships, etc]

🧃is uncomfortable with or is triggered by religious imagery, or discussion of religious symbols [crosses, rosaries, churches, church bells, chapels, etc] angels, angel wings, angelic behaviour, Jesus, the Christian/Catholic God [or discussion of Jesus or God in a negative light/someone speaking about not believing in Jesus or God or saying that if they existed bad things would not happen] demons, the devil, sin(ning), priests [and mentions of priests commonly abusing their power in sexual and non-sexual ways] nuns, virginity, etc, or people discussing religious trauma [religion making them feel dirty, used, worthless, or like a failure/a sinner/a wh//re, religion having played a pet in their physical, emotional or s//xual abuse, or religion reminding them of past abuse] [this applies almost exclusively to Christianity/Catholicism. I share posts mentioning other religions here and there, but Christian imagery is very common for my blog as I am a fallenangelkin]

🧃is uncomfortable with the subject of Wicca, or any religions that practice witchcraft [the meanings of crystals or herbs, references to the purposes that items like crystals, herbs, jars, bone and other organic matter from living creatures, candles, etc serve when practicing witchcraft, references to contact with spirits or deities, mentions of Wiccan holidays/events like Litha, Ostara, Yule, Manon etc, or mentions of people celebrating these days, mentions of covens or other gatherings relating to the practice of witchcraft, mentions or images of runes, pentacles/pentagrams, grimoires [book of shadows/‘spell book’] or anything else relating to witchcraft. [this subject will likely come up often on my blog, as I am a witch.]

🧃is uncomfortable with discussion of or references to someone suffering emotional, physical or s//xual abuse in the past

🧃is uncomfortable with or triggered by seeing or reading use of the f slur [(f//g)g//t], the t slur [tr//nny], or words like sl//t or wh//re [these words are only used in a light-hearted, non-derogatory way on this blog ; we do NOT stan sl//t-shaming or making people feel bad/guilty/dirty for having sex, enjoying sex, not being virgins, having high body-counts, getting pregnant, having early pregnancies etc]

🧃is uncomfortable with mentions or discussions of medications, surgeries or other medical procedures [discussion of these topics will never be in depth and images of surgeries or almost any kind of gore will not be posted here, but i am transgender and will likely discuss my medical transition here, and I am also currently on three medications and may discuss them here], or is uncomfortable with images of pills/pill bottles, or drawings of needles/syringes [real photos of needles and syringes will not be posted here because they make me very uncomfortable]

my apologies if i missed anything! thank you for reading :3

#stfu tyler

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pikaflute · 3 years

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hi, sudafed cleared my sinuses long enough to think so here’s a giant post about most of my charles headcanons

Playlist

OH btw here’s my 4 hour and 23 minute playlist for Charles. Enjoy. Yes I know I’m insane: https://open.spotify.com/user/pikaflute24/playlist/4DBxaaxbqsmJt9Fvl8AgwZ?si=OcXlYCdFRzOhuKa4p_HdUQ

General Headcanons

He was born November 24 1965. He’s currently 56, but I usually write him in his late 40s in most fanfic and content I make. So there’s this middle aged man....

He has hazel eyes. Sometimes they look green, sometimes brown. Sometimes they’ll be white but that’s when he’s using his magic so mind your business

Gear brand over his heart >:)c

:) i think he has piercings and tattoos, a skull (dead man teehee) on his upper arm, a tattoo of a date (the date pickles and him first met TEEHEE) on his left arm also has a tattoo on his arm of the day he “died” on his right. had his ears pierced when he was a teen.

Has a sweet tooth so hard. Smuggles in treats into the drawers of his desk just to snack on during the day and has a mini fridge just filled with ice cream and also sorts of other goodies. He loves brownies and cookies the most

Likes to work out and keep himself in shape. it takes his mind off of stressful things like work and the boys, and just take his morning practice sparring and doing various exercises in the mordhaus gym.

he’s uh also very flexible so he does yoga a lot when he exercises. don’t. look too deep into that

cannot cook to save his life. he almost burned mordhaus down trying to make himself a sandwich

he can play guitar! he used to play it more often when he was younger but he rarely has the time to play it nowadays. when he does get to play it, it’s usually in private (and mainly songs by dethklok), or it’s to show off to a certain lead guitarist that yes he is playing that solo wrong

he’s ambidextrous but prefers using his right hand. he’ll use his left hand to spar in order to go easy on his opponents because hes a smug cunt

he’s 5′7 but intimidation factor adds a couple inches doesn’t it

has a scorpion named princess as a pet. he lets her sit on his desk sometimes and it scares the shit out of dethklok which makes charles laugh on the inside

hes also a cat person. one time toki brought a cat home and it settled on charles’ lap and he almost cried

loves to be a smug asshole and relishes in it. will not take shit from anyone, especially from some asshole who is trying to pull one over on him

he has no idea how social media works at all. will print memes out to show to dethklok, he’s very fond of cat memes specifically (i can has cheeseburger type beat)

he has no idea what any internet memes means he isn’t going to start learning. he is going to misuse internet phrases. are you boys, ah, finding the imposter? [cue five groans from dethklok]

knows a lot of languages. not a comprehensive list but: french, swedish, norwegian, spanish, italian, japanese, chinese, german, russian and korean

is very competitive. scarily competitive. once he starts losing in smash or mario kart all hell will break lose

very bad at showing emotions or affection, when he gets compliments he gets all red and quiet and mumbles a thank you.

weird about being touched as well and will usually avoid it unless it’s with someone he trusts

speaking of, his love language is acts of service :)c

hates being called charlie or chuck, unless the right person calls him it ;)

he’s autistic. was nonverbal for most of his life and only talked to certain people, or anyone at all. he stims with his hands and uses his pens to fidget.

has a collection of novelty socks. he likes the ones that have polka dots or stripes

sleeps with a garfield plushie he had since he was younger. it helps him with the nightmares

when any of the boys need help sleeping (usually toki or pickles), he’ll sleep with them in his bed. after dying he had trouble sleeping some nights, so dethklok returned the favor and all piled up in his bed and helped him sleep. he didnt have nightmares after that night

hes nearsighted, and prefers to wear glasses over contacts

lactose intolerant, hes still eating mac n cheese and paying the price

metalhead but pretends to not be just to mess with his boys

crippling addiction to match 3 games. also loves to play minecraft.

overly self sacrificial. puts ones he love needs before his own, results in himself being very isolated and distant from those he cares about because he’s afraid of hurting them

his favorite colors are black and purple

coffee kinda guy. black coffee or bust

has a lot of cute novelty mugs to put his coffee in. he ones from places where dethklok tours, dethklok official ones (the only two that aren’t adorned with spikes), some cat themed ones, a couple that have ties and math references, and one from his boys that says “most brutal manager”. he drinks out of that last one the most

he has a couple of grey hairs and wrinkles, but he keeps them because they remind him that he’s human. also pickles said old men were hot but you didnt hear that from me

likes to play chess but he can never find a good opponent. all the klokateers are too scared if they win and dethklok is too distracted to ever play with him or they end up losing to quickly if charles plays against them

really wants kids. he babies his sister’s sons and daughters a TON (uncle charles always brings the best gifts :) ) and also treats toki like his own son in a way. toki doesnt mind, he really appreciates the love

speaking of, toki does call charles dad once and it makes charles cry for like. a week and a half

his favorite dethklok song is the gears :)

he likes to collect knives as a side hobby, his favorite of his collection is a sleek black one with skulls on the handle

he has a motorcycle and likes to drive it around sometimes to just be alone with himself. it’s all black with a red gear on it

lightweight but only if he drinks the amount dethklok drinks. can hold his alcohol fairly well if he drinks like a sensible human, prefers brandy and wine

he can smoke cigars to be sexy for me and me ONLY

likes to read in his spare time. he likes mystery novels and science fiction

he has soft spot for cheesy sitcoms, they’re his guilty pleasure

his favorite youtuber is lockpickinglawyer. yours should be too

usually sleeps in only his boxers but will wear a shirt if its’s cold. he tends to sleep on his side (also wants to be the little spoon when cuddled but he will never admit that)

takes vacations sometimes away from the boys despite his worry that something will go wrong (it will!). many of his vacations are usually going to visit his family and going to the shore with them, or travelling to somewhere new for a change (cue charles being a yakuza substory on his one vacation per year)

he can sew pretty well. learned from his mom and used to sew the whole his sister use to put through her soccer uniform.

can also do makeup, and usually does it for one of the boys of there’s no one else around to help

bites his lip when he’s nervous. which is a lot

likes chococat and gudetama. he’s a man of tastes

laughs really loud if you catch him off guard. he snorts sometimes too. he’s embarrassed by it, but i think its’ cute

loves law and order obviously

he likes men

has a lot of pent up rage. very good at compressing it. sometimes

as high priest, he stays up very late trying to decipher the ancient prophecies that dethklok needed to fulfill. he doesnt sleep very much when he starts out because he misses home, so the band makes him come back (or else)

also as high priest he becomes more intune with magic granted to him after he died and he mainly uses his magic to protect his boys when they go back to being a band. also to fuck with them

the band he managed before dethklok was a band named savior who said they were a metal band with a unique sound, but that unique sound was actually just being a christian metal band that were bad at playing music. they also treated charles like shit and blamed him for them doing so poorly with sales and shows. had an unfortunate “accident” with a tour bus after charles had enough of their attitude towards him. he denies he had anything to do with it (he did.)

Family/Childhood

He’s the baby of the family. Spoiled rotten to the max. He doesn’t admit it though but whenever he comes home you know he abuses the “:)c im the favorite” card

He has 4 older sisters: Caroline who is a high school civics teacher, Cynthia who is a librarian, Callie who is a coach for a soccer team, and Charlotte who is a lawyer/manager who manages Ladyklok, which gets awkward (and funny) when Abigail starts dating the lead singer Natalie

charles is actually one of the tallest in his family. his dad is 6’1 and his older sister Callie is 5’11. cynthia is 5’6, caroline is 5’6, and his mom and charlotte are 5’5.

his mom is a doctor and his dad is an accountant. his mom’s name is giovanna and his dad’s name is elijah

caroline is the oldest sister, followed by cynthia, callie, charlotte then charles.

Charlotte and Charles are sworn enemies since they were born on the same day a year apart and basically have the same job. They do love each other though

His father calls him Charles. Caroline and Cynthia call him Charlie. Callie calls him Chuck. Charlotte calls him Charles (derogatory). His mom calls him a whole slew of nicknames that she made up when he was young (she calls him cheese ball and he turns red)

caroline has a wife (lauren who is a chef) and two kids (evan and shelby)

cynthia is dating a coworker (viola)

callie has a husband (john who is a stay at home dad) and they have three kids (brenda, melissa, and jeff)

charlotte is dating ladyklok (and abigail). this is a weird flex on charles i think.

He had a race car bed when he was like 5

He also was also one of those kids at family game night. He almost killed Cynthia over a game of monopoly

Always got to lick the spoon first after his mom baked brownies

He grew up in North Jersey (derogatory) (also yes im projecting state shot)

He’s also Italian (derogatory)

He got bullied in middle school for a little bit but once his older sisters found out, oh boy did all hell break loose

Was in band in high school. He played flute (DONT TALK TO ME I LIKE PROJECTING), he was of course a soloist and incredibly smug about it

Took gymnastics as a kid. Can do a backflip on command. Also very flexible.

First manager gig was helping his sisters sell girl scout cookies. They raked in a lot of profits when baby bro was behind the scenes. His cut was eating thin mints for free

Loved Star Trek when he was a kid

Was incredibly gifted, and taught himself to read at a young age. didn’t talk that much though

was always sick when he was little. he would always get sinus infections and colds if someone even sneezed weird

was in mock trial in high school. one guy on his team was a jerk to him so charles made it a point to be this poor kid’s nemesis

was on the student council, treasurer of course.

was also in nhs, and he was treasurer there too

was that kid who insisted on doing the group project by himself because he didn’t want to wait on anyone to finish their part

was super rowdy as a kid, always got into trouble but his mom was a little lenient of punishment (hes a mommas boy)

when he was like super young he bit people cause he was just a little monster (charles' sisters: mom charles is biting again. charles, biting one of them: im not :/ sheesh)

wanted to be a lawyer since he was 7

put his own siblings and parents on trial and would win every trial and would always get the last cookie or a higher allowance

he shared his room with his sister Charlotte and they would set up a pillow fort on one of the beds and stay up late reading together

loved going to the beach as a kid, his mom still has his collection of shells from the beach

on the boardwalk, he would dominate at claw machines anad carnival games. he won a bunch of plushies from himself (and his sisters obviously)

his dad and him have a super close bond. they watched star trek together and also like to watch how the stock market would do. his dad was also sometimes the judge in charles’ mock trials at home

they were very supportive when he came out as gay, he was also the first of his sibilings to come out of the closet

College

Got his masters in business management at rutgers and a JD (law degree) from seton hall law.

Started college when he was 18 (1983) and ended college when he was 26 (1991)

Wasn’t a party guy. Never got invited to many, but he never went unless a certain redhead was in town

Sustained himself off of ramen, coffee, and SSRIs to get his masters (hey man i feel ya)

Did weed like three times. Three of those times were because of, you guessed it, a certain redhead

Speaking of, his first time having sex was in his dorm with Pickles. Pickles also kicked him off of the bed (those beds are fucking tiny) while they slept, and almost burned Charles’ dorm down trying to make toast the next morning

Absolute did not do essays until the night before. Bad habit that made it’s way into Dethklok managing when he’s forced to write a legal brief before 12 am.

Loved calculus 2 for some reason. Nerd

Had a mullet. Pickles thought it was hot (still is) while Charles would rather die than remember anything about that horrid hairdo

Also went through his goth/emo phase while in Law School. He stuck out amongst the sea of sweater vests and polo shirts

Was in a band with his fellow college bandmates. The band was called Habeas Corpses and he was the lead singer who also played guitar. Their sound was kind of similar to TWRP’s first two EPs (The Device and 2nite). they had a grunge aesthetic, and yes charles dyed his mullet black (with a purple streak), for the band.

his bandmates were all fellow law students. dillan was on drums, margaret was their bass guitar, and nick was their keyboardist. all three of them also got tutored by charles while in law school. they are still best friends and write to each other sometimes

Was on the debate team, but uh kicked off due to be very competitive (he threatened to punch the opposing debater)

Was also in the chess club, also kicked off for being too competitive (lunged at a kid for cheating)

After being kicked from the two previous clubs, he joined fencing, his very competitive nature made him the best in the state

nick (the guy in charles’ band) was charles’ roommate the whole time they were in college. they may or may not have had a brief relationship before they realized they would be better as friends

nick also has a nes and charles loved to played zelda and wrote an entire guide for himself because he’s was that into the game (nerd)

occasionally would be found sleeping in the library on campus

wanted to be an RA but the resident association at his schools thought he was a little much. charles took this as a compliment

worked out a lot between studying and classes. a lot of jocks underestimated him because of his size but charles was just :) [casually lifts something heavy]

a lot of fellow classmates thought he was super cool cause of the leather he wore, and how cool and quiet he was, too bad they didnt know he was a huge nerd

tried skateboarding. once.

had a cadillac that barely started and drove like a piece of shit but that was charles’ baby

pickles tried to have sex with charles in said car btw, charles almost killed him for even daring to suggest to tarnish his beautiful baby

has damaged his back permanently because of all the books he used to carry around in his crappy back pack

did some modelling for one of his friends in college. he was very attractive and got some other modelling job through it. he tries to hide that from the boys in the future because he thinks it’s embarrassing

Relationship with Dethklok

Pickles - he’s known the drummer the longest out of any other member, and if you couldn’t tell by now, he had a brief relationship with the drummer back in the 80s (and maybe also still has a crush on him :)). charles respects and admires pickles’ talent as a musician and sometimes they play together when they have time alone. he tries to be there when pickles has a relapse in either emotions with his family or something else, but still tries to maintain a distance because he thinks that pickles doesn’t feel the same as he did in the 80s. (he does btw). nothing could break the bond these two share. not even death

Nathan - understands nathan’s quiet nature (nonverbal kings!) and strive for perfection in everything dethklok creates because he is the same way. their similarities allow them to connect on a level that allows nathan to open up about his feelings that he likes to lock away. nathan also gets charles to open his feelings up and actually care for himself for once in his damn life. charles also helps nathan with the depression he develops after charles dies and how to deal with it despite it being not brutal. nathan wants to give back and he does by becoming one of charles’ closest friends (and maybe even lovers hehehe)

Toki - charles has taken it upon himself to be toki’s father figure after seeing the way toki’s family has left him for essentially dead. ever since toki joined the band, charles has made it a point to be there for him whenever he needed it. even if it meant spending late nights reading to toki or sleeping over in toki’s room to help him sleep, he’ll do it. he blames himself for toki’s disappearance but toki assures him that he did the best he could. toki calls him dad a lot after doomstar. it makes charles cry.

Skwisgaar - unstoppable asshole meets immovable object. skwisgaar sees himself above everyone else like he does with the other dethklok members but with charles, skwisgaar knows that charles isn’t intimidated by him nor will he bow to the guitar god in anyway. this develops a game of cat and mouse between the two, with skwisgaar trying to no subtly push charles’ buttons and to see what makes him ticks, while charles resist him at every turn with a smug ‘:) is that all you got’ and it delights him to finally see the guitarist squirm under pressure.

Murderface - at first the two are very. distant to say the least. murderface used to see charles as unemotional robot and charles was fine with that and accepted the distance. overtime however, and especially after charles died, murderface warmed up to charles confiding in him things he hasn’t told the band, mainly things about his insecurities because charles is ‘fucking smart with crap like this’. and charles helps him and is happy to see him work out his problems and not bottle them anymore like the rest of his bandmates. charles also enjoys murderface’s company as a friend as well. and….he’s gonna help murderface the most with the whole traitor stuff too.

Abigail - mlm and wlw hostility. but seriously they’re good buds. he sympathizes with having to deal the moronic actions of dethklok on a daily basis and also thinks she’s really intelligent and overall fun to hang out with. they take lunch breaks frequently together and like to make fun of people at dethklok dinners together as a fun activity together. abigail will bully his ass once she finds out she’s dating charles’ sister and WILL bring up those baby pictures to get a higher raise thank you very much

Knubbler - can you say coworker besties! like abigail, he gets along because they both have to deal with dethklok being, well dethklok, but with knubbler, charles can relax a little more. the two cause problems on purpose just because they can. the two are also close friends and knubbler tries to get charles to relax for once in his life, and despite charles protests and objections, he sometimes caves and hands out with his friend (maybe boyfriend OOOOO who knows)

Sex Headcanons (IM SORRY)

um maybe he can have a giant dick (10 inches for me), it do be swinging though

daddy kink (everyone stay on this side, ill take care of him….come to daddy ;)c)

likes to do roleplay. he has a lot of costumes prepared for when his partner wants to do a scene with him

likes to bite and be bitten during sex. after a very long night, he’ll be covered in bite marks, it’s kinda hot

no gag reflex ;) he likes to deepthroat but good luck trying to get him to go down on you without him teasing

remember how i said he was flexible like eight times? yeah he uh, uses that a lot to his advantage. likes being fucked in weird positions because of it

the suit stays on during sex

he likes topping because he likes to be in control of everything he does all the time, but really wants to be told what to do sometimes and will let those he trusts do that for him

he has a dick piercing i know it

he's a very busy man, so he relies on his huge collection of toys he keeps in his bedroom and office

really good with his hands. as soon as those hands are on you, its game over

he loves to do it on his desk, makes him feel powerful. when he gets blown under his desk, it really takes all of his willpower to not cum immediately

really sensitive in weird places, specifically his ears

he likes to cuddle after sex, hes the little spoon :)

likes to be tied up, sometimes he’ll get tied up under his suit

mating press and riding are his favorite positions, giving and receiving

size queen, likes large toys and well ;)

has a private room that he sometimes goes to relieve stress, it has a fucking machine that he likes to use often when his job gets too stressful

he’s sucking people off at the klokateer glory hole, he’s uh, very good at what he does

likes to be spanked and like to spank

uses collars and leashes

maybe the klokateers can fuck him, if they’re good ;)

freeballing

likes cum on his face but doesn't seem to realize that means he’ll get cum on his glasses and will need to clean them

he can wear a chastity belt :) for me

likes being came in but will still complain about being gross after

pretty much up for anything, he’s not picky, he just wants to be in control and get off

#metalocalypse #charles foster offdensen

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springfieldblues · 4 years

Text

my long ass review for S32E03 Now Museum, Now You Don’t

warning: LONG because i rambled about history more than i thought i would

id been looking forward to this one because i like art history, especially after seeing how they tried their best to stick to historical accuracy in the previous episode I, Carumbus. this time however….they didnt try that hard. i dont know why i thought theyd go through that sort of trouble again LMAO

but its okay, i dont really expect the simpsons to be the paragon of historical accuracy or anything. especially in anthology episodes told through a particular character's lens (in this case, lisa, whos already feverish so whatever)

first i just wanna say that this is, i guess, less of a review and more of an accidental list of history fun facts. so im just gonna get my general thoughts out of the way first.

the episode was fun! to me at least haha. i mean it got me to think and do a lot of research on my own so that must count for something. besides a couple of really weird ones, the jokes were good. anthology episodes tend to be….not that good but i thought this one was one of the better ones so far. idk.

anyway on to lisanardo da vinky its the renaissance! jesus christ the italian accents in the beginning of this segment were annoying as hell but i also feel like that was the joke lmao. ill be real i kind of tuned out for a second there when grampa started rambling so idk what he said.

i told myself i wouldnt get nitpicky with historical accuracy if the jokes were funny (final edit: so that was a lie) but this meh bit with the pizza guys and mascots was really not worth ignoring the fact that its impossible for italy to have any tomato-based food in the 15th century (tomatoes were brought to europe from the americas in the 16th century, and pizza as we know it today—flatbread, cheese, tomato—originated in the late 18th century)

oh this next part was kind of legit tho. lisanardo, like the real leonardo, became andrea del verrochio's apprentice at his workshop. i loved this next bit:

"Whoever paints the sweetest cherub will have the honor of having MY name signed on their work. That's what great artists do!"

SO YEAH as it turns out, lisanardo painted the sweetest cherubs. the painting here is called The Baptism of Christ, and the real leonardo assisted verrochio in finishing it. specifically, he painted the cherubs in the corner.

this causes verrochio to quit and go someplace with less talented people: a music school (yes, verrochio did quit painting after getting owned by young leo and his mad angel painting skills. he never did anything with music tho, he was more of a sculptor)

alongside lisanardo, in mr largo-verrochio's workshop we have barticelli (botticelli bart), dolphatello (donatello dolph), ralphael (raphael...ralph) and mediocrito (no one that i know of. sorry milhouse) (and kearney i guess but they dont refer to him by name). botticelli and donatello are said to have also been apprentices at verrochio's workshop, but raphael came a couple of decades later so he couldnt have been there. and donatello was too old so that claim is a bit questionable. but anyway

it IS true that leonardo's peers envied him, to the point where he was anonymously and purposefully accused of being gay (a major crime punishable by death in 15th century florence) while he was still working at verrochio's workshop

we are then treated by what im pretty sure is the fourth time the show has used 'at seventeen' by janis ian, this time sung by a dejected lisanardo (man they really do keep making yeardley sing these days huh) who only wishes to be appreciated and not envied.

"I'll show them all! I'll show them all in a secret diary that no one will decipher for 400 years!"

some of lisanardo's future inventions. who wouldve known

so after barticelli, for some reason (revenge??? or something?? what was his plan here idgi) steals lisanardo's diaries full of blueprints of her inventions and takes them to mr burns who i have to assume is pope alexander VI here, they decide to use her inventions for war.

"With these, we can kill the most evil people in the world!! ....Slightly different Christians."

leo actually did this of his own accord. im surprised this is what they decided to do with lisanardo instead of talking about leo's love of nature and vegetarianism (not a single mention of that in this episode? come on...) then again, trying to do good only to end up indirectly making things worse is a very standard lisa storyline. i guess they didnt want to miss the chance to have evil pope burns (very fitting, especially for that era since they were all about money and controlling the people)

so lisanardo decides to leave for france, unlike the real leonardo who was more or less persuaded by his ultimate fanboy king francis I to move to france.

"Lisanardo, I have many questions. Why are you hitting yourself? A nerd says 'what'? And how is it possible that I am rubber and you are glue? Et cetera, et cetera."

that line may seem a little random, like hes just nelson saying nelson things (and i mean, obviously he is) but the real francis also "had an unquenchable thirst for learning, and Leonardo was the world’s best source of experimental knowledge. He could teach the king about almost any subject there was to know, from how the eye works to why the moon shines." so yeah, he did have many questions and lisanardo, finally being appreciated for her intellect, was happy to answer them all. its very interesting how lisa assigned this role to nelson in her retelling of da vinci’s life :^)

and so she lived the rest of her days in france, nat king cole's 'mona lisa' plays because duh, and they make a da vinci code reference because duh. and the segment ends. and not a single time did they show the actual mona lisa painting. the fuck?

(ngl i was fully expecting bart to say 'leonardo da vinky' for a second here)

so this next segment is about french impressionist painters, most likely the batignolles group, a name adopted by the early representatives of impressionism. its much more vague than the lisanardo segment since no one here is referred to by name (except moe, more on him in a sec) but i dont feel like it really matters in this case. bart is prrrrooobably claude monet but its hard to say, this segment is kind of a mish-mash of a lot of things. also i gotta say i really liked how lisa introduced the story to bart with an 'if you hate the formal study of art' and not 'if you hate art' because thats exactly my headcanon. i LOVE the concept of artist bart and whenever its referenced it just makes perfect sense to me.

anyway the segment opens in 1863 at the école des beaux-arts (back then it was actually known as the académie des beaux-arts), preserver of traditional french art styles. skinner reviews his students’ paintings one by one. praises the plain, unimaginative paintings depicting your typical european countryside landscapes. very run-of-the-mill (haha get it...cuz theres….a windmill) (although the real académie didnt approve of such basic stuff, they wanted artists to draw epic historical and mythological scenes) then he gets to barts painting and he gives him an F- because the painting made him think.

(the paintings in this scene arent real famous paintings as far as i know but they are inspired by real paintings enough to get the point across)

in comes barney dressed as bacchus as a model for the students to sketch, which i just loved:

barney: “You prefer robe open or robe off?” skinner: “Just cover your privates with this walnut shell.” barney: “Whoa!!! So roomy!”

skinner gasps in horror at bart’s sketch, which “looks nothing like him” and bart explains that “it shouldn’t; we’re making the art that we feel because we can’t compete with a camera.” damn, you go bart. take that, realism. draw what you feel!!

(also no, you didnt need to hold still for 17 hours for a daguerreotype. 30 min tops.)

nelson haw-haw of the week: FOIE-gras!

so here they are at the moulin rouge (“enjoy it before baz luhrmann ruins it” hey shut up. i love that movie), which wouldnt be built for another 26 years, but it is the most widely known gathering place for bohemians in the public consciousness so i can understand why they went with the moulin. nelson delivers this anachronistic line:

“This époque keeps getting beller and beller!”

which alludes to la belle époque, the golden age of france usually dated from 1880 to 1914. made me snort so ill let that slide

and heres moe! as henri de toulouse-lautrec, who was actually born a year after the year this segment is set in. yo moe szyslak he was just 1

toulouse-moetrec introduces himself as the chronicler of the demimonde (not an actual job). an iconic figure associated with the moulin rouge (largely due to his affinity for alcohol and prostitutes), toulouse-lautrec was also a painter, having illustrated a series of posters for the moulin himself. he simply had to be in this segment, anachronisms be damned, just because they decided to include the moulin. cant have one without the other.

and yes he did have a walking cane where he kept his liquor.

i love how everyone drinks absinthe in this place. theyre bohemians what else would they drink

toulouse-moetrec points out that barts paintings are the greatest thing hes ever seen (and hes seen like five things!) and that hes a genius. milhouse realizes that they should stop doing what the teacher says and use their own minds to instead...start doing what bart says lmao. to the easels!

next we have skinner hyping up chalmers about the art his students made for the salon de paris, an art exhibition that the emperor of france will attend. he assures him that none of these paintings will encourage debate, provoke thought or be out of place at a dentist’s office. when they unveil the art, theyre both SHOCKED at how scandalous the paintings actually are.

this reaction was kind of accurate. impressionism was severely rejected at the salon de paris, due to paintings not looking finished enough to them, they thought they were ugly and vulgar for depicting nudity in a contemporary setting (historical and mythological nudity was fine). these impressionist paintings were sent to the salon de refusés, which is. yeah. the place where they sent the rejects. the salon de refusés does not make an appearance but this scene makes a reference to it when the artists get expelled from the royal salon. also:

“What about our student loans?” “Oh they’ll be refunded. We are not barbarians, I mean, come on.”

(god if only)

so the painters are down because they want the emperor to actually see their paintings. toulouse-moetrec pipes in once again with an idea.

“There is one thing the emperor loves more than anything.” “France?” “No, he hates France.”

apparently the emperor really loves cheese, which makes sense since its napoleon III (who loved cheese) and homer (who loves cheese.) so the painters roll into the salon inside a giant wheel of cheese (obviously.) as lenny said, “Eh, you know French cheese. Very runny.” napoleon III chases after the wheel into a room, where the wheel falls apart after getting chomped on by the emperor. now that they got his attention, the painters proudly show the emperor their impressionist art, which he couldnt be more indifferent about because he just wants to eat his cheese dammit, and he awards them with the royal medallion just to kind of get them out of his way. skinner immediately starts kissing ass (as he does) until marge’s like ‘hey wait a minute. you expelled these students from the royal salon’ and an executioner immediately starts ominously measuring skinners neck.

“Uh, sir...is your tongue sticking out because you’re dead or because you’re mad at me?”

and thats the end of that lmao (gore in this episode, gore in the last episode, and next week we’re getting gore too cuz its THOH, what the hell is goin on)

we get a short intermission with maggie, who wants a story for her too! lisa tells her that renaissance artists loved to put babies in their paintings, especially baby angels.

here she is showing her The Triumph Of Galatea by raphael:

King David Playing The Harp by peter paul reubens:

and a very simplified version of pretty much any depiction of hell by hyeronimus bosch lmao:

not much else to say about this one, really. but i really liked that sky!

the last segment is about frida kahlo and diego rivera. or as bart puts it ‘the one about a fat guy whos wife is too good for him.’ i was REALLY looking forward to this one because i love frida and i thought itd be a cool opportunity for animators to go bonkers and do really cool shit with her art as inspiration…..but the segment is not about frida, its about diego and his selling out to capitalism. and its also yet another story with homer and marge drama. no funky cool animation here. sigh i guess i’ll take it

the story begins in 1929 at la casa azul, frida’s home (now museum dedicated to her life and work.) frida and diego are getting married. this courtyard definitely did not look this way yet back in 1929. also theres something very cringy yet funny about lovejoy saying spanish words the way he does, i honestly cant decide how i feel about that one

the writers know theyre being cringy with their gringoness so they go along with it.

moe: “Spanish for ‘best wishes’!” mel: “Spanish for ‘congratulations’!” bumblebee man: “Spanish for ‘muy bueno’!”

OH YEAH BUMBLEBEE MAN this is his new voice actor, eric lopez! hes not mexican but its still great to finally have a latino actor voicing a latino character and hes very excited to be part of the show so i hope to hear more of him!! im rooting for him

el barto/zorro makes an appearance which i am very confused about. he has jack shit to do with frida and diego and mexico in the 20s-30s. el zorro was set in the spanish california of the early 19th century. their use of the original theme song makes me think they just wanted to flex their disney privileges tbh

lets not talk about that that whole scene was bad

anyway diego announces he and frida are going to new york, without even asking her first. frida is obviously pissed.

“Don’t worry, as a woman, you’ll be treated with much more respect in America.”

so in new york, diego is having a bit of a business meeting with mr burns as one of the members of the rockefellers, who is commissioning him to draw a mural for the rockefeller center. its kinda funny how he refers to him and frida as socialists even though they were very much communists lmao its okay you can say it. ok so far, but then frida says ‘yes, we hate the capitalists! right now, a young socialist is being born who will take them down! mr. bernie sanders. i hope hes quick about it’ and that was a simple enough joke and couldve been left at that but then its immediately followed by this weird as fuck family guy-esque cutaway gag to bernie as a baby:

“Getting a cootie shot should not cost your lunch money. And if you don’t listen to me, listen to the Bernie Babies! What? Everybody’s got goons.” *larger babies start beating up this other baby* “I disavow that, and welcome it.”

this confused me so much that i had to ask one of my american friends to help me understand, but even she was like ‘uhhh yeah thats a weird joke,’ especially now that hes been out of the race for months (then again these episodes take almost a year to produce. i guess they couldnt be bothered to replace it with something more relevant.) whatever that was weird and confusing and unfunny moving on

frida is pretty irked that diego is going through with this deal. after all, it goes against everything they believe in. im not sure how the real frida felt about diego doing the mural, but she did feel a bit of rage during her visit to the united states, especially the obvious disparity between rich and poor. she hated having to interact with capitalists and found americans very boring. in this segment, frida seems to be acting more like the american communist party, which diego got kicked out of for accepting commissions from wealthy patrons. in any case, frida is pretty upset about this whole thing.

and finally we get the first and only kind of surreal frida moment. kinda. maybe. its more cartoonish than anything but im desperate ok

interesting how they felt like they had to add a “don’t smoke” in big letters after showing patty and selma flying away on their giant cigarettes. i wonder if this is something theyre making them do now? i remember hearing something about them toning down patty and selma’s smoking

diego comes home to frida, drunk as hell, followed by the marx brothers. i cant believe they didnt make a marxism joke come on it was RIGHT THERE. THE MARX BROTHERS. KARL MARX. COME ON

frida paints her feelings.

this makes diego realize that frida is a genius and he is not half the artist she is. he proclaims he will now show his awe of her by sleeping with other women, starting “an hour ago.” to which frida replies, “and i will start sleeping with other women, starting two hours ago.” yes this was pretty much their relationship. though im just wondering how the hell did diego not know frida was this kind of artist until now? i know homers an idiot but jeez. art was how frida and diego met, diego knew from the get-go that frida was an incredible artist. i guess the fame got to his head or something. again, homer just being stupid.

“well enough already, while the art is still deco, okay?”

its time for the mural diego painted, Man At The Crossroads, to be unveiled:

rockefeller examines it. good and great so far, and then...uh oh

“Who’s that fellow…? With the beard, and the bolshevik smile…” “That’s the founder of Soviet Russia, Lenin!”

“B-b-but he’s a communist!” “Oh he just attended a couple of meetings.”

rockefeller will not have this communist in the temple to capitalism that is the rockefeller center, so he orders diego to paint over it. diego stands his ground and refuses. despite rockefeller’s threats, diego says that theres only one person he wants to be proud of him no matter what and in true homer & marge fashion, frida is touched by this. they happily leave the rockefeller center.

now, the real story of Man At The Crossroads and the rockefeller center was actually not that different. as soon as the rockefellers found out diego had snuck in a portrait of lenin into the mural, they ordered him to paint over it, to which he refused. diego even offered to include abraham lincoln and even american abolitionists in the mural as a compromise, but the rockefellers simply did not want any references to communism whatsoever. they did not complain about the hammer and sickle, though. yes, they did know diego was a communist and hired him anyway. what did they expect? lmao. diego said:

"Rather than mutilate the conception [of the mural], I shall prefer the physical destruction of the conception in its entirety, but preserving, at least, its integrity."

so they decided to destroy the mural before it was even finished and they never talked to each other again.

diego then repainted the mural at the palacio de bellas artes back in mexico, this time known as Man, Controller of the Universe. this new version included even more communist leaders and a depiction of john d. rockefeller jr. drinking at a nightclub, right underneath a depiction of syphilis bacteria. cue nelson haw-haw:

this was the version they used in the episode also, since the original was, well, never finished and also destroyed. only a black and white photograph of it exists, taken by diego before it was destroyed so he could remake it.

right so, homer!diego then pulls a Barthood and finishes the episode with a large mural summarizing the entire episode. he says some rick and morty thing i didnt get because i dont watch the show idk idc

the end

ALRIGHT NOW ITS TIME FOR THE STORY OF VINCENT VAN MOE

#if you read all of this bless you #the imageless gdocs version of this is 8 pages long #hope you...enjoy?!?! these art history fun facts?!?!#dont let me do something like this again but also let me know if i should do something like this again #i was really only motivated to do this because im already passionate about the subject so idk if i could do it otherwise #anyway. this took me all day yesterday because the power kept going out #but im finally done #bye

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