my psychiatrist confirmed that i am in fact autistic

creker academy

member: eric genre: fluff (ft some angst), fantasy au word count: 6,182 synopsis: after finally triggering your hidden powers, fate lands you at creker academy, a special boarding school meant for shapeshifters. there, you learn how to control your abilities and that opposites do indeed attract.

The day you found out that you were adopted was the day your life fell apart. The secret was hidden from you until your uncle coldly drew the line at your parents’ funeral. He told you that he had no intention of taking responsibility for his brother’s actions and that you were no longer a part of the family.

That was how you ended up living alone in a tiny half-basement studio. You barely managed to afford the deposit and rent with the consolation money you received from the funeral.

Every day, Hyunjoon would come knocking at your door and every day, you would turn him away. It had only been a month since you became independent and the scar of losing your parents was still fresh. You were also too ashamed to face your friends. You didn’t want their pity and so you hid away in isolation.

On the night of your birthday, the pain became too unbearable. Although you aged another year, you were still only a teenager. Granted, you were in your last year of high school but you were still a minor. Having to fend for yourself in this harsh world was too much for you to handle.

As you cried yourself to sleep, you could feel a cold coming. The heat from your headache spread to the rest of your body and you felt yourself burning up.

After you bought some medicine from the pharmacy, you slipped into a deep slumber. Your dreams were wildly vivid. You dreamt of an enchanted forest that enticed you to take refuge in its comfort. There, animals of all species ran free and in harmony. It promised you acceptance and a home.

“It’s time you learn of your identity,” a soft voice spoke.

As soon as the whisper tickled your ears, the entire forest was up in flames. Strangely, you weren’t struck with fear. Rather, you felt empowered.

“Y/n, you need to learn how to control yourself,” the voice warned.

It was only then that you started to panic. The flames were engulfing everything in sight and all the animals were running for their lives.

“Y/n, you have to wake up. Now,” the voice commanded.

With that, your eyes shot open. To your horror, the scene in your dreams reflected the view in front of you. Your house was on fire and you were slowly getting cornered by the heat. Frightened, you look to the door only to see it consumed by the blaze.

“Trust your instincts, Y/n,” the voice in your head cooed. “Let your body take control.”

Bewildered, you had no idea what that meant. All you knew was that you had to get out of there. You squeezed your eyes shut, hoping to think of a solution. When you reopened them, the room seemed to be a lot bigger than normal. At that moment, you saw the window cracked open. It was your only hope.

Your body felt different when you stood up.

“Why am I so short all of a sudden?” you wondered.

You looked down and almost screamed when you saw paws instead of your feet. Except a meow came out of your throat instead.

You didn’t have time to freak out about it. Feeling something hot graze your tail, you jumped up and landed on the window sill. Your innate desire for survival kicked in and you squeezed through the opening to escape.

Once you felt fresh air in your lungs again, you ran. And ran. And ran. You didn’t know why or where you were going, but something in you told you to run. Your legs kept sprinting until they reached the forest that appeared in your dream. They came to a slow stop when you realized where you were.

“What is this place?” you pondered.

“This is the border between our world and the human world,” a woman in white suddenly emerged from the trees. “You are now about to cross into our territory.”

It was the same voice from your dream. Trying to grasp the situation, you opened your mouth to ask a million questions. But again, a meow replaced your voice.

“It’ll be easier for you to transition back once you're on our grounds,” she assured. She bent down and gestured for you to jump into her arms.

Not seeing any other option, you hesitantly took her offer. With you safely in her embrace, she passed through a translucent wall that revealed what looked like a huge campus. Your jaw dropped as you observed your surroundings. There were students walking around the magical place. You saw a girl tending the garden and gasped when her hands hovered above the flowers to revive them.

The woman brought you to an office you presumed to be hers and placed you in front of a mirror. Your shriek came out as a cute yelp and she chuckled.

“I-I’m a cat!” you thought.

“There’s an outfit you can change into once you return to your human form,” she pointed at the black dress neatly prepared on the table.

The second she finished her sentence, you felt a bare sensation. Looking down, you screeched at your naked body. Embarrassed and horrified, you quickly clothed yourself with the dress.

“W-What’s going on?” you asked, relieved to finally hear your own voice again.

“I’m sure you felt different from others your whole life?” she asked. It sounded more like a statement rather than a question.

She wasn’t wrong. All your life, you never felt like you fitted in anywhere. Maybe your body knew you were adopted before your mind did and ostracized itself. Or maybe you truly were different. You had weird talents that other kids thought were freaky, making you hide them and become introverted. For instance, you were suspiciously good at starting fires from scratch at summer camp and didn’t feel any pain when your shirt accidentally caught on fire.

“I know this must be shocking to you but you’re special, Y/n. We’ve been waiting for you. Waiting for you to trigger your powers to bring you here,” she smiled.

“My what?” you gaped.

“Your powers. What you just did back at your old house and right now. You’re a shapeshifter, Y/n. A shapeshifter with the element of fire,” she explained.

“I’m a what now?” you scoffed in disbelief.

“Creker Academy is a school and home for students just like you. It’s a place meant to train you how to control your powers. Without our guidance, you’ll lead down a path of self-destruction.”

Baffled by her words, you stared in silence. There was no way any of this was true. Surely this had to be a dream.

“This isn’t a prank or a dream, Y/n. You’ve finally found where you belong,” she clarified.

Belong. You had never felt like you really belonged anywhere. But now, someone was telling you that you belonged with them. That they wanted you there. That they had been waiting for you.

“I understand you must feel overwhelmed. But there are procedures to follow so I’m afraid you will have to begin your tour first. A fellow student will be arriving soon to show you around.”

As if on cue, a boy around your age knocked on the door and came in after receiving the woman’s permission to enter.

“Hello, Headmaster,” he bowed.

“Eric, this is Y/n. Y/n, this is Eric. He will be helping you adjust here,” she introduced.

Eric was bright eyed and eager to meet a new friend. You, on the other hand, were quite reserved and uncomfortable in your new environment.

He was excitedly pointing out the purpose of each room you passed by and rambled on about the social norms of the boarding school. You learned that on top of academics, there were classes on virtues and physical training. And of course, classes that taught you how to properly use and contain your powers.

The use of magic was strictly prohibited inside any and all buildings. Students could practice their skills outside but were forbidden from any acts that could potentially put someone or something at risk. That was the one rule that was rigidly enforced and obeyed.

“So what animal and element are you?” he curiously pried. “I’m a dog with the element of water.”

“I’m… apparently a cat,” you felt ridiculous saying it aloud. “And control fire.”

“Ah, you’re a member of the fire element,” he nodded. “What that means is that your element rivals with mine. Some people see fire elements as hotheaded, impulsive, and extreme. Water elements are sometimes emotional, sensitive, and antisocial. But those are all just stereotypes, of course. Not everyone fits into the standard. I, for one, am very outgoing. And your animal obviously plays a role in your personality. I guess the dog in me overpowers the water.”

You had moved on from the indoor portion of the tour to the outside part. He was showing you the garden you had passed by earlier. It was full of flowers that wouldn’t be in bloom this season in the normal world.

“I’m a strong believer in that there are good traits about each element. For example, fire elements are passionate, inspirational, and expressive. They’re arguably the most fun people you’ll ever meet. Water elements are empathetic, imaginative, and loving. But again, all this is relative and doesn’t accurately describe each person,” he reminded. “The only reason there’s still a stupid feud is because some people love sticking to the status quo and labeling others.”

“What are the other elements? Air and earth?”

“Yup! Air elements are independent, talkative, fickle, and nonconformists. Most likely social butterflies. Earth elements are disciplined, loyal, organized, and judgemental. Oftentimes the leader.”

Eric greeted a male student who was passing by with two other boys. He exchanged smiles with the three of them who offered you a kind nod of acknowledgement.

“That was Sangyeon. He’s a bear. On his left is Jacob, a rabbit. The one on the right is Younghoon, who’s also a dog like me. They’re all earth elements,” he disclosed. “Sangyeon is the class representative of our grade. Definitely fits the leader stereotype.”

You couldn’t get over how thrilled he was to be your tour guide. He was filling you in on even the little details of the social life at the academy. He told you about how transfer students were rare and that it was his first time seeing a new student.

His vibrancy contrasted your somber aura. If he noticed, he didn’t comment on it. He was having too much fun getting to know you.

“Oh! That’s Hyunjae and Juyeon,” Eric suddenly pointed at a pair of boys on a morning run. He waved at the two who waved back before speeding up.

“The one with brown hair is Hyunjae, a wolf and fire element. His real name is Jaehyun but he changed it to Hyunjae once he got to Creker Academy. Juyeon’s the one with black hair and is a cat like you. Except he’s a water element like me,” he grinned. “They’re my best friends. Oh, and this guy named Sunwoo who’s a raccoon with the element of fire. As you can see, water and fire elements can get along fine and well. So don’t listen to anyone who says otherwise.”

By the time he was done showing you around, a bell rang and students began to convene inside. Eric explained that the bell was signaling the beginning of classes and brought you to his homeroom.

“Breakfast is buffet style and self served. It’s up to you to wake up and come down to eat. The cafeteria remains open for an hour until that bell rings and we have to get to class,” he said you entered.

Looking around for an empty seat, his face lit up when he spotted one. He sat at his desk and tapped on the one behind him to let you know that it was yours to take.

You still hadn’t processed all that’s happened since dawn. Everything felt like a haze. Nevertheless, you found yourself paying attention when the teacher walked in. He scanned the room to find a new face and smiled when he made eye contact with you.

“Alright, guys. I’m happy to announce that we have a new student that will be joining us starting today,” he beckoned for you to come up to the front of the classroom.

You wanted to shrivel up and crawl into a hole. Feeling your classmates gazes on you, you gulped and began to sweat. You were never a fan of attention. You quickly introduced yourself before rushing back to your seat, eliciting giggles from a few students. Your cheeks heated up and you felt that burning tingle again.

The awkwardness made you transform back into a cat, making your classmates gasp. Their intensified stares made the tips of your fur ignite, alarming the teacher who tried to calm you down.

“Well I guess she’s a fire cat,” a girl snickered.

Eric shot her a glare before leaning in to ask if you wanted him to put the fire out with his water. Not knowing what else to do, you nodded and the next thing you knew, you were drenched.

So much for your first day.

You ran out of the room before you could change back into a human. You fled but didn’t know where to go. You grew anxious, desperately hoping you wouldn’t end up flashing anyone.

“Hey!” someone called out. You turned around to see a male approaching you. Panicking, you dove into a bush.

“You’re the newbie, right?” he asked, taking something out of his bag. He dug out a large t-shirt and a pair of shorts and placed them in front of you. “I usually carry around a spare outfit in case of emergencies. I hope you don’t mind the fit.”

You were still in your animal form so you peaked your head out to look at him.

“My name’s Chanhee. Air element penguin,” he squatted down to meet your eyes. “Everyone’s first day is rough. You’re not the only one who’s had incidents like this so try not to feel so bad about it.”

He stood to go back to class, leaving you to change in privacy once you returned to your normal body. Your hair was still wet as you dragged yourself back to the headmaster’s office.

The headmaster looked at you with pity when you walked in looking worn out. You didn’t have to tell her for her to know what happened.

“How about I show you to your dorm?” she warmly suggested. Anything was better than returning to the classroom.

Due to your late enrollment, you were assigned a single room as opposed to the traditional double rooms. You were glad you didn’t have to go through the process of meeting and getting used to a roommate. It was a small but cozy space and the closet was filled with clothes.

You realized all of your belongings were probably burned down in your old home. Now you really didn’t have anything to go back to.

Before the headmaster left to allow you to settle in, she insisted that you join your classmates for lunch later. You wanted to say that you just wanted to stay in your room but her stern look had you close your mouth.

So you begrudgingly made your way to the cafeteria and gawked at the amount of students packed inside. Feeling them stare at you, you tried to ignore their whispers as you grabbed a tray of food. To your relief, you saw Eric motioning you over and went to go sit down next to him.

His group of friends was fairly large. You saw the boys he had named earlier that day and were surprised to see Chanhee again.

“Hi! I’m Changmin,” one enthusiastically waved. “I’m an air squirrel.”

“Haknyeon, air pig,” another raised his hand.

“My animal is a hamster and my element is water. You can call me Kevin,” the last one smiled.

After shyly exchanging greetings with everyone, you poked at the rice on your plate. The food was undeniably better than the food served at your old school. However, thinking about your old school made your stomach drop as you thought of the friends you left behind. You were sure Hyunjoon was worried sick about you.

“Do you hate water? And have you always hated water? I would assume you don’t like it very much as a cat and fire element,” Changmin looked at you with sparkling eyes that displayed his curiosity.

“Yeah I actually never learned how to swim. I guess that explains why. I never had a reason when my friends asked me about it,” you mused. In hindsight, your unreasonable hatred and fear of water made sense.

“Interesting, interesting,” he nodded.

Like that, the next couple of months flew by. You were put on an intensive program to catch up with your peers and received one-on-one tutoring to help you learn how to shapeshift at will. You could now easily turn into a cat but still had trouble returning to your human form.

To your dismay, you were denied communication with the outside world. The headmaster was very much against risking having the academy and everyone’s identities exposed. Which meant that you weren’t allowed to contact anyone from your previous life.

One good thing was that you were no longer the hot topic of the school. People’s interest in you died down when you didn’t reciprocate theirs.

You grew close to Eric and his group of friends. They were an interesting bunch. Each of them were uniquely chaotic.

Eric was the exact opposite of you. Literally. As a water element dog, his personality contrasted your fiery cat. Everything from your food tastes to fashion style were different. Yet, you felt the most comfortable with him. He brought light into your life and made adjusting to your new school easier.

You were also always at odds with Juyeon. Although you were both cats, he was everything you weren’t. He was sweet but you just didn’t match on so many things. This meant for a very awkward but pleasant friendship.

You got along best with Chanhee. His air side complemented your fire and he quickly became your closest friend. He was both sassy and caring and you appreciated his endless concern and support for you.

Changmin was a wild card. He and Sunwoo wrecked havoc everywhere they went as Younghoon and Haknyeon incited them while Kevin and Jacob were trying their best to prevent them from destroying the campus. Sangyeon and Hyunjae, who were usually busy with student council matters, were the only ones who could calm everyone down but sometimes chose to enjoy the mayhem.

“Did you guys hear the rumors?” Sunwoo bursted through the classroom door panting. “The headmaster is considering an overnight field trip for the seniors!”

Jaws dropped and gasps spread throughout the students. The room was immediately in a buzz as everyone was shocked and excited at the possibility of leaving the sealed territory. It had been 5 years since students were allowed a trip in the outside world.

The homeroom teacher came in and hushed everyone to quiet down. He couldn’t hide the smile that forced its way onto his face after seeing how happy his students looked.

“Is it true we might get a senior trip?” Haknyeon impatiently asked.

“I cannot comment on that. An official announcement will be made later today,” the teacher said.

“That’s not a no!” Younghoon squealed.

True to his words, the headmaster’s voice was heard over the PA system before the dismissal bell. She congratulated the seniors on their hard work and announced that they would be given the opportunity to sign up to spend 3 days and 2 nights on a cruise.

The entire floor of students erupted into cheers and you heard footsteps run across as they barged into classrooms to find their friends and rejoice together. Changmin came into your classroom dragging Kevin and Juyeon behind him.

“Guys, I can’t believe it! It’s been forever since I last saw humans,” Changmin gushed.

“The whole point of us going on a private boat is to ensure that we don’t have any run-ins with humans,” Kevin reminded.

“Yeah but I’m sure we’d pass by them on our way there,” Changmin rolled his eyes.

Sangyeon, Hyunjae, and Jacob strolled in, greeting your group of friends with a nod of acknowledgment. They waited as the rest of you gathered your stuff to leave together.

“Everyone’s going, right? Y/n, you too?” Eric asked.

“Umm,” you hesitated as you looked at their expectant eyes. “I honestly don’t know if it’d be a good idea… I’m still not in complete control over my powers.”

“Aw but Y/n! You can’t miss out on this once in a lifetime trip with all of us!” Sunwoo whined.

“Yeah, it’ll be your last time leaving campus before graduating! Plus, it’ll be your first and last major bonding experience with our class,” Younghoon pouted.

“I know how hard fire can be to control. If you want, I can stay with you and try to help you detect signs of distress before it manifests itself,” Hyunjae offered.

“And I‘ll be next to you to put out any accidents!” Eric beamed.

“You know I always have extra clothes in my bag,” Chanhee added.

You couldn’t say no to the 11 pairs of pleading eyes. They all so desperately wanted you to go with them that it warmed your heart. It hadn’t even been long since you first met them but they always treated you like you were with them from the start.

So you added your name to the list of students and that was how you ended up dragging your suitcase to the giant cruise ship. Haknyeon was bouncing in excitement next to you as the throng of high schoolers slowly made their way inside.

Room assignments were the same as back at the academy, which meant that you were in a single by yourself again. Changmin expressed his envy as Chanhee happily pulled him into their shared room.

Once you were unpacked, you headed to the deck and admired the seascape. The ship was already sailing into the vast ocean and the endless horizon felt so freeing. Leaning on the handrails, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath. The salty smell brought back memories of visiting the beach with your parents.

You felt someone join you but didn’t open your eyes. You could tell by their footsteps that it was Eric.

“Enjoying the change in environment?” he asked.

“Makes me a bit nostalgic,” you said as you opened your eyes.

The wind was strong and the waves were violently crashing into the sides of the boat. With the sun glistening in the water’s reflection, you squinted a bit to appreciate the scenery in front of you.

“Isn’t the view so pretty?” you sighed in content. You didn’t notice that he wasn’t looking at the sea. Instead, he was staring at you.

“Yeah. Extremely pretty,” he found himself saying with a soft smile.

To Eric’s slight annoyance, Sunwoo came and tactlessly interrupted the moment to tell you two to meet everyone else at the pool. He was raving about the jacuzzi next to it and eagerly tugged at Eric’s sleeve to hurry him up.

Younghoon was already shoving Hyunjae’s head underwater when you arrived. Jacob waved at you from the chaise lounge and you sat down next to him. Giggling, you watched Sangyeon climb on top of both of them as Juyeon egged him on. Changmin and Chanhee were relaxing in the jacuzzi while Kevin and Haknyeon were piling food on their plates at the snack bar.

Eric was thrown into the pool thanks to Sunwoo’s push and he emerged to the surface screaming and laughing. Using his powers to add more pressure, he splashed Sunwoo with water, who ran off shrieking.

“Do you not like the water as well?” you turned around to face Jacob.

“I don’t necessarily dislike it but I don’t really like it either,” he shrugged. “I don’t mind jumping in if the guys tell me to join.”

“Do you hate the water or are you afraid of it?” Haknyeon asked as he and Kevin took a seat next to you.

“I guess both?” you answered.

“You know, contrary to popular belief, I’m actually not that fond of large bodies of water either,” Kevin said as he offered Jacob a bite of his pizza. “Pretty weird for a water element, huh?”

“Hey, hey, we don’t stick to stereotypes. We are all individuals with personalities and preferences unique to our own character,” Jacob chided.

“Oh how I love confirmation biases,” Haknyeon joked.

You had to admit it was pretty interesting to see how each person matched and defied their element and animal characteristics. It was like taking a personality test and fervently agreeing with the parts that were true and blatantly ignoring the parts that weren’t.

The rest of the day was spent fooling around and playing games. There was never a dull moment with the boys. They were always in high spirits and full of energy.

Even at dinner, your table was the loudest one. Juyeon had been sneakily stealing a few bites of fish off of Haknyeon’s plate, who took great offense when he finally noticed. Meanwhile, Eric was bargaining with Younghoon for his chicken. At the mention of chicken, Hyunjae joined in on the negotiation of the last piece of meat.

So far, you haven't had a risky moment with either your element or animal. You were in complete control and didn’t need guidance—although Chanhee remained by your side just in case. When you made it back to your room to call it a night, you were relieved and proud that the trip was going smoothly without any hiccups.

Perhaps you spoke too early.

In one of the rooms down the hall, a girls’ night had turned awry. One of the girls, a water element, began crying and started a waterflow that got out of hand. The more she panicked and tried to stop it, the higher the water rose. It quickly seeped into the hallway and into other rooms.

With her friends screaming at her to make it stop, it only escalated with a loud whoosh as the door broke open from the pressure. Now in full panic mode, the girls shrieked and realized that the place was flooding from the inside out.

They trudged through the rising water to flee, banging on doors on their way out. Doors swung open as students woke up from the commotion.

By the time Juyeon finally managed to wake Eric up from his deep sleep, the water was nearly up to the bed. The roommates freaked out, wondering what the heck was going on. Juyeon quickly grabbed his bag and hurried Eric to leave.

On their way out, however, they saw that your door was still closed.

“Shit, Y/n can’t swim,” Eric gasped.

“The water’s not that deep yet. Let’s get her out while it’s still walkable,” Juyeon said as he threw his bag down and started walking towards your room.

Meanwhile, you were still sound asleep. You were startled awake by the pounding. When you registered the situation, the fear made you shift into a cat before you could get up and unlock the door. You anxiously glanced at the closed door as the water began to climb up your body.

Outside, Eric felt a pit form in his stomach. Getting worried, he decided to break your door open. With the help of Juyeon, he barely slammed the heavy wood down by mustering up all the strength he had.

“Y/n!” he yelled when he finally saw you.

You were struggling to keep your head above the water and it was getting harder by the second to not breathe in the liquid. He rushed to pick you up and kept you afloat even when he stumbled. The waves were now reaching his chest.

Juyeon transformed into his cat form to swim as Eric trekked through the hall. You were clinging onto him and Eric was holding onto you tightly as well. You could feel him pant and his heart beat fast. Tucked under his arm, you looked up to see beads of sweat falling from his forehead.

Your own heart skipped a beat at the sight. You could tell how much he cared for you. He made you feel wanted. Needed. Important.

You two were polar opposites but still complemented each other so well. He was the optimism you lacked and you were his rock. You kept him grounded and he made you laugh.

When you finally escaped to the deck, Juyeon stepped away to change back into a human and put on clothes. Your friends crowded around you, Younghoon drying you off with a towel and Chanhee placing a clean outfit next to you.

“Alright, everyone, settle down,” the headmaster called out, turning heads. “I’m glad you’re all safely out but it’ll take some time to drain the water. Please calmly stay in groups until we sort everything out.”

Thanks to your months of training, you were now able to sense when your transformation was about to occur. You grabbed the clothes with your mouth and ran off before you could flash anyone. You sheepishly returned wearing one of Chanhee’s pajama shirts and with water still dripping from your hair.

“Y/n!” Sunwoo dramatically whined, jumping you for a hug. Displeased, Eric peeled him off of you and handed you another towel.

“Thanks, Eric,” you smiled. “For… everything.”

“No problem,” he grinned as he ruffled your head.

“Thank God these two got you out safe and sound,” Sangyeon sighed in relief. You apologized for worrying everyone, to which Hyunjae insisted that you had no reason to feel sorry.

Luckily, the next day was not as eventful. A dinner party was prepared for the last night on the cruise and you got to dress up and have fun. You enjoyed a relaxing time in the ballroom with music playing from the speakers and the boys embarrassing themselves on the dance floor.

You giggled as you watched Changmin ask his crush for a dance after Chanhee quite literally pushed his friend to approach her. It was sweet to see both of them all shy in each other’s arms.

Juyeon nudged Eric and nodded in your direction to ask if he was going to ask you to dance as well. When Eric pretended not to know what he was talking about, Sunwoo joined in to tease him.

“Come on, bro. We all know you like her. Just hurry up and make a move already,” Sunwoo snickered.

“Ooh are we talking about Y/n?” Hyunjae came after eavesdropping.

“I hate you guys,” Eric rolled his eyes as he tried to hide his blush.

Learning from Chanhee, Sunwoo shoved his best friend towards you and fled after he bumped into you. Shooting him a glare, Eric silently swore at him with his eyes. He cringed before turning around to face you.

He felt his breath being stolen away when his eyes met yours. You were absolutely stunning. The glimmer of the chandelier shining on your enhanced your features and he found himself lost in your orbs.

From a few tables away, Kevin and Jacob had joined the other three guys to fanboy over the interaction. Juyeon whispered “he’s totally whipped” to Sunwoo who failed to hold back his laughter. Eric, however, didn’t even notice. He was too busy gaping at you.

“Uhh is there something on my face?” you asked, bringing your palm to your cheek. You were slightly self conscious at his intense staring.

“Beauty,” he blurted. Trying to play it cool, he acted confident and ignored the burst of laughter from his friends. You felt your face heat up at his comment and awkwardly coughed as you looked away.

“Y-You look great too,” you stuttered.

On his way to pour himself some more punch, Chanhee loudly told you to just dance with Eric. He passed by and continued to walk towards the drinks without a care as to how flustered he left you two. Your friends were practically doubling over in laughter at this point.

So Eric boldly held your hand and gently guided you to the dance floor. Feeling your body heat up, he applied his cooling powers on you to prevent you from igniting flames.

“I guess we could say there’s a spark between us,” he joked.

The rest of the night flew by in a blur. You hadn’t felt so carefree in so long. For the first time in a while, you weren’t hung up on the past or worried about the future. You simply appreciated the moment as you were living it.

You never expected things to turn out the way it did. With the death of your parents, you lost a lot of things. But your new friends made you feel complete again. They healed you in ways you couldn’t have imagined.

The revelation of your true identity also brought you peace. You no longer felt like the odd one out. Your own powers didn’t scare you and you felt safe learning about them at the boarding school.

However, you began to doubt all of that the second you docked back on land. You were chatting with Eric about his favorite ramen brand when an all-too-familiar voice made you freeze.

“Y/n..?” he carefully called out. He slowly came up to see if it really was you and gasped when he saw that it was.

Eric didn’t know why he suddenly felt uneasy. Maybe it was because an unknown male had made a reappearance in your life or maybe it was because he recognized the way he was looking at you. It was the same way he looked at you as well.

Chanhee, now protective and defensive, slightly pushed you to the back to ask who he was.

“It’s okay, Chanhee. He’s my friend,” you assured, stepping forward.

Juyeon scowled, not liking that you were interacting with people from the human world. It was borderline going against the rules.

“Hey, Hyunjoon. Long time no see,” you timidly greeted.

“Are you kidding me? You disappeared after a fire burned down your house and that’s all you have to say to me?” Hyunjoon fumed.

You winced at the pain evident in his voice. It had hurt you to ignore your best friend and there hadn’t been a day where you didn’t miss him. Guilt-ridden, you were unable to meet his eyes. He took you by surprise by pulling you in for a hug.

“We thought of the worst, Y/n,” he murmured. “I forgive you for going M.I.A. on me. It’s okay. Everything’s fine as long as you’re here.”

You choked back tears but couldn’t stop one from falling down your cheek. You heard the headmaster gathering the students to get on the bus back home and knew that you didn’t have much time before you had to leave him again. Sangyeon patted you on the shoulder and ran ahead to ask the headmaster for leniency.

“I-I have to go soon,” you stammered as you broke away from his embrace.

“Go where? You’re not coming back home?” Hyunjoon asked.

“I… have a new home now,” you gulped. “I can’t tell you where and I can’t promise that I’ll be able to see you again. But I’ve missed you. I still do.”

“Are you safe?” he whispered after staying silent for a bit. “Are you happy?”

You took a glimpse of your group of friends that was unconvincingly pretending to not listen to the conversation. It almost made you chuckle despite the situation.

“Yeah,” you trailed off. “I’m doing well, Hyunjoon. And I hope the same for you. I’m sorry.”

“Then that’s all that matters,” he forced a smile as he hugged you one last time. “Bye, Y/n.”

“Bye, Hyunjoon.”

It pained you to see him watch you walk away. Your heart broke with each step you took. On the ride back to the forest, you stared out the window. Eric, sitting next to you, softly squeezed your hand to offer you some comfort.

“I made the right choice, right?” you asked, leaning on his shoulder.

“Do you regret it?” he cautiously asked.

You thought about it. You definitely missed Hyunjoon and all of your other old friends. You also definitely felt bad that you left them behind without a word and still couldn’t provide an explanation. But at the same time, you’ve grown to love your new school and new friends. You no longer had to be on edge without even knowing the reason why. Creker Academy made you feel confident. The boys made you feel accepted. Eric made you feel loved.

“No,” you answered with certainty. “Not at all.”

a/n: for the eric to my sunwoo, @sohnhorizon​

Jaclyn Santos

FP: We've spoken about the subject of the male gaze, and even part of the mission statement of FP is to question what it means when women artists control the power of their own objectification. There have been other artists who have paved the way, ie. Vanessa Beecroft, why do you think it is still considered controversial and shocking for a female artist to portray her sexuality as outwardly powerful and/or vulnerable?

JS: While many women artists have displayed their own sexuality in their artwork, every girl and woman still has to confront this topic individually and form her own convictions. It's something we continuously re-examine as we age and deal with new personal  struggles. There are so many conflicting messages in society regarding a woman’s stance on her own sexuality and most women are still trying to figure it out for themselves. On one hand, society definitely rewards physical beauty yet, in many other ways, it can be an impediment. Increasingly, I think people turn to media figures as a barometer for their own morality. For the "Shock Challenge" I wanted to generate discussion about the way women are often criticized because of images they present of themselves – particularly the way certain female celebrities objectify themselves by posting sexy personal photos on social networking platforms such as Twitter. Often these photos are low-resolution and snapped from cell phones. I decided to photograph myself in this manner as a sort of contemporary “self-portraiture” and elevate the photos to fine art status by re-contextualizing them. I then displayed the images in the gallery and allowed the audience to physically alter the work in any way with sharpies, which draws attention to the way women are criticized online. I titled the piece, “Triple Self-Portrait in Bathroom,” which references Andy Warhol, an artist known for working with the idea of celebrity persona.

Another reason it may still be considered controversial is because of female competition, which occurs in part due to socially imposed myths of female worth. The scrutiny with which women can judge each other is incredible. Growing up, I wasn’t horrendously unattractive but I did go through an “awkward phase,” and for five years of my life other girls ridiculed me nearly every day. Now that I am older and have grown into my looks, I am condemned by some women because I keep up my appearance, when if I didn’t I would be put down for it. The world sets up a standard for beauty, then criticizes those who admit they struggle with it. I’m willing to honestly examine this contradiction through my artwork.

FP: You've also mentioned isolationism in your statement...a theme that seems to be prevalent in American culture today, particularly because of the internet, and our ability to be alone yet still remain virtually connected. Can you speak about how that relates to your work?

JS: I think the piece I did for the "Art That Moves You" challenge on WOA, "11x17", touches on the issue of isolationism in contemporary urban culture. It also examines voyeurism, a somewhat natural response to isolation.  While most people do not spy on their neighbors' with binoculars, voyeurism has transcended to the internet in a more diluted version, where many of us use social networking platforms and blogs to comment on the lives of those we see on Television and other forms of Media. The pseudo-anonimity of the Internet offers protection while potentially causing further isolation. I think this has affected women in a very specific way. Oftentimes women display sexy images of themselves in an attempt to garner attention or praise, yet this often backfires into “unwarranted” criticism. Too often photos or explicit videos are released without consent.

FP: In regards to the nudity on the show...it really was a missed opportunity as you said for the production to discuss the current state of feminism as it pertains to the art world. Such a HUGE topic and yet (for the sake of time constraints? titillation of tv?) Bravo chose to edit down your provocative "shock value" piece to a hot girl defaulting to her own voyeuristic sexuality more than anything else. How did you feel about that? What could they have done to further the dialogue? What do you think would have happened if say one of the male artists had asked to photograph you naked or had photographed themselves naked...do you think more or less would have been made of that episode?

JS: So far my character has appeared very one-dimensional. The fact is, I am not a "bimbo" in any capacity.  Instead of portraying my true personality, they jumped on every opportunity to dumb-down my character. I was very disturbed by the way my piece, “Triple Self-Portrait in Bathroom,” was depicted on Work of Art as well as the way my character and art making process were completely distorted. I don’t think this was done because of time constraints; rather, it was done to create a very simple story arch that any casual viewer could follow. This was problematic because it made me look like I default to nudity without any thought behind the concept of the work, which undermines my art process. I am not shy about my appearance as they suggest, but I did feel incredibly vulnerable being taped in the nude. There's a huge difference between presenting a photograph that I have carefully selected and composed, verses handing over raw footage that can be manipulated in any way whatsoever. I was very hesitant about doing this but I believed in the piece and the producers said they needed the footage only to display my process. Yet in the episode, the rest of my process was barely discussed, then it was falsely made to look as though I was not responsible for conceptualizing the final product.

The treatment of sensitive issues on set was different for the boys. A male contestant was not required to film himself ejaculating on a piece of art, which caused some tension on set.

FP: In The Art of Reflection: Women Artists' Self-Portraiture in the Twentieth Century, Marsha Meskimmon states: "If the task was to find oneself, then the crisis for the postmodern subject is that nowhere is home, everything shifts and changes. What is the reflection in the mirror that 'vanity' holds? She refuses now to be the 'site' of another's desire and reflects back to you the insubstantiality of your projections."1

Do you think it's possible for the physicality of an attractive female artist to ever be a separate entity from her work, particularly if she is the subject matter of her own work? Is vanity and the mirror important to an artist?

JS:  To answer the question, if the womans' chosen subject matter deals with nudity or sexuality in the form of self-portraiture - i.e. Marina Abramovic, Cindy Sherman - no, I don't feel the artist's appearance could be a seperate entity. If the subject matter involves sexy images of other women or the imagery is more illustrative - i.e. Lisa Yuskavage, Hillary Harkness - I think it will be much less of an issue. I think it can only be a non-issue if the artist completely plays down her appearance or doesn't acknowledge it in her work. Yet this doesn't necessarily mean it won't be an issue. At a college critique, a guest artist was invited to our studios and the minute he saw me, before he ever saw my work, he blurted out, “you are the artist”?  “You don’t look anything like an artist... YOU are as interesting as your work." This sort of thing happened so often that I made a decision to incorporate my appearance into my work.

FP: Another great quote from this same book: "One of the key issues in feminist theory has been that of women's voice in male language. To what extent is it possible to enunciate a truly different position when you are already within the structures which mark your difference?"2 Do you think the art world is still a predominantly masculine one or is it now equal...what has your experience been thus far?

JS:  While certainly more doors are now open to female artists, there’s no denying the highest paid artists are all still men. There’s also no denying that the vast majority of Art collectors are men.  I worked for Jeff Koons for two years and there were very few women who came in to purchase work. Granted, this may simply be because men still make more money than women and if women had more spending power, more of us would invest in contemporary art. I think it is a challenge to make work about women that can appeal to both a male and female audience on the same level. We respond to images of the female form rather differently, and it's hard to subvert the provocative aspect of a sexualized image.

FP: The high-low art status is interesting in your pieces --do you think anything can be elevated to art status by redepicting it?

JS:  Yes, it can, if done in a particular way.  Intent is important -- low art must be appropriated in an intelligent way. For instance, a high school student copying his incredible hulk comic book is entirely different than Jeff Koons appropriating the hulk into his personal iconography.

FP: You worked as a studio assistant to pop art icon Jeff Koons. Has he influenced your work? And who are your biggest influences?

JS:  Before I ever worked for Jeff Koons, I loved his Made in Heaven series as well as his Luxury/Degradation series. Speaking of Made in Heaven, that’s a prime example of low-art being successfully elevated to high -art. Jeff Koons is brilliant and there are very few people who love art as much as he does. Working at his studio was an incredible learning experience. It was so interesting to see how he spoke with visitors about his work and I learned an incredible amount of technical skill while at his studio. Jeff talked "acceptance" quite often. We must accept who we are -- our individual and collective pasts -- our shortcomings, failures, weaknesses, and strengths. As artists, we must be honest with ourselves in order to make work that is personal yet transcends to a wider audience. So many artists have influenced my work, but to name a few: Damien Hirst, Marilyn Minter, Laurel Nakadate, Liz Cohen, Vanessa Beecroft

FP: Where do you see your work evolving now that you've participated in Bravo's Work of Art? Has the show inspired you in a new direction? What's on the horizon? Where can we see your work next?

JS:  Participating in the reality show was an experience like no other. It really made me more aware of the internet as a portal for criticism and dialogue in fine art. It also opened my eyes to how incredibly critical and voyeuristic our culture is, and I think I would like to comment even further on these qualities in my new projects. The show also allowed me to branch out into other mediums when appropriate, something I think I may have been afraid to do before.  Since the show wrapped up, I’ve been continuing my series of figurative paintings as well as a new series of explosions that respond to the war and oil spill.

Check my website, www.jaclynsantos.com for frequent updates of my new work.

Well, I like this picture of my cat, with his tongue curled, so that’s why I’m posting it.  Coincidentally I just noticed that there’s some bucket with a picture of it looks like the three wise men, in the corner behind him.  I don’t have a ready interpretation of that as having any significance, but maybe it would if I tried, to find it.  Or just found meaning whether it was “meant to be”, regardless.  And when I am analyzing things for possible signs, I look at all kinds of random details.  That is just one potential one that pops out at me.  Sometimes I will analyze or go into meditative states and see what signs seem to pop out at me from whatever and wherever, or from particular things, that seem to be more fluid and abundant in the signs and feelings that they give to me.  Like, pictures, personal photographs of ours, that is one thing.  Anyway, ..

The tongue-curling, well, I call it that but maybe it’s something else, not quite a curling tongue, but it’s cute.  Curling your tongue, it reminds me of childhood as my sister could curl her tongue but I could only partially curl mine and it seemed as if she was happy that she could do that better than me, if I recall correctly.  Lol 

Anyway the silliness of making faces, and again here we are at childhood themed stuff, a recurrent theme for me.  

I am thinking of that because to me, it needs to be reminded of again and again and again because I keep on veering into the zone of worrying and thinking too Much!  I can worry again, what of my salvation or Hell, I can worry, what about my family and loved ones and my daughter’s salvation or Hell, and I can worry about all of the things that I think that these Christians in these groups I’m drawn to might think.. I can worry how they might condemn or argue or debate over this or that with me, if they were to tell me how they saw my life, my thoughts, my feelings and my experiences, my interpretations and so on.  I can think of all of the taboos I break that might send me to Hell in their eyes.  I can think about all of the criticisms I would make that might make me a big problem to them, an outsider, intruding, stirring up conflict.  But I can think of how I seem to need to express my problems I have with the things they do, because if I don’t’ do that then I feel repressed, self-destructive.  I need to talk about the harm that these things are causing my heart and mind and soul, so that I can think it out.  In the secluded, sequestered cloister of my own soul and my heart and my prayers to God, there is not enough conscious articulate  awareness.  I am trapped when I keep things there.  

But even these people say you need a spiritual guide, to tell all to, when you have conflict and confusion.  So they admit the need to talk things out.  But I will not do that, that is, have such a one-on-one spiritual guide as they say you need, for one, because I’m not even a member of any kind of church, where you would find your guide, nor do I feel I should be a member of the church either, because I don’t agree with all of the rules or beliefs that they require, and nor follow the rules they demand enough to belong there.  And I also don’t need a spiritual guide because I feel like it is very confining, and repressive, suffocating and controlling, the role it puts you in, if you have to depend on one person for all that, and if that person doesn’t really understand you and respect you and care about you and have compassion for you, if your situation goes way beyond what they can comprehend and know how to deal with, then you are likely to be judged, given wrong advice, given simplistic answers.  I don’t need that yet again, as my weird situation has over and over again been the source of great pain when I tried to seek others’ input, and they wrongly judged and wrongly advised me, and if you place all of that pressure and expectation upon one solitary person, it’s way too much build-up and commitment to someone who you’re just assuming will understand and be able to care for you in the way you need, and not actually harm you instead, as everyone else has done.  Some helped me, but mostly everyone has harmed me as much as they helped or harmed me way more than they helped me. 

Anyway, I just want to forget all this feeling that I need to think and worry about that, any of that.  Can’t I just think about practical obvious real world grounded life?  Of course, and I think that is really what God wants me to do right now.  I have health problems and my family does too, and I can address them to the best of my ability.  I can try to think of how to connect to family members so that neither one of us is as lonely and isolated, and so that I will hopefully take small steps to learn, bit by bit, how to be more social, so that I can also have that skill for whenever I might need it in my life in the future, and I’m not completely isolated from every person who is not in my immediate family.  I can teach my daughter the social habits and mannerisms and views and skills I gain.  So that she will learn how to make the most of these things and not just be one more isolated, self-absorbed, lonely person who cannot find any way to connect to others.  Who can find what to appreciate and find what there is in common that is truly relatable and worthwhile.  Not that awkward feeling of forced and painful seeking solace and validation in others, when it’s not authentic and not true.  Not that because that leads to a worse kind of loneliness that just being alone, oftentimes.  But in spite of all the differences and the lack of ability to relate, still being able to find something that makes interacting worthwhile and meaningful and rewarding so we’re not so totally alone in this world, and so we have more than just our immediate family, who after all might not always be there one day.

What is it that makes me feel like I need to settle all these debates and these crises and dramas and threats regarding religion and spirituality?  I think it’s only the voices of echoed memories of things I’ve read and heard and been told, that others have said, don’t do this, you can’t do this, you must do this, or you will be lost, you are wrong, you will go to Hell, etc, etc.  And I should know that I have to live my actual life and I can’t get lost in these never-ending debates while my life goes astray or  gets stuck in degenerating cycles, where I can’t get anywhere because there is no one to talk to, no clear answer, no honest straightforward discussion of my points, not the time and emotional and mental energy to think it all through, anyway.  

I just have to remember how to let it all go.  But excessive prayer and spiritual reading do  not help me with that, at all.  I seem to need to deeply distract myself from the majority of religious stuff, and only keep a bare minimum of practices.

Every day is so full of miracles, signs, coincidences, and special, unique moments.  Rare things happen all of the time, every day, to everyone.  But each rare thing only happens rarely, just like the many wildflowers blooming and so on, each blooming only a short time.  But because we realize they’re ordinary, because they’re not totally unheard of, we shove them aside, as if they’re not very important and yet that is where I find all of my inspiration, all my signs, usually.  In things that appear so ordinary even though they’re not as ordinary as they seem, at all, if you look at all the connecting coincidences, associations and synchronicities going on, all the different events that happen in a short time, in my mind, my dreams, my feelings and thoughts and ideas and little things that happen in my life and they all start to connect, in so many ways.  Ways that are easy for someone to deny because they could just be coincidence but when you accept that coincidence can be meaningful even if it seems likely and not that rare, then you at  that point, you have opened the door to a great world of wonder and joy and amazement, ideas, and insights that can change everything in your existence.  

So why can’t I just let God talk to me like that?  Why can’t I just let God talk to me through the feelings, the dreams, the visions and psychic impressions, and let that be his gift and guidance, in addition to my constant prayer, without going more formally into all the practices and beliefs they say I have to follow?  

And the only reason shy I couldn’t do that would be is if I agreed to go along with what they say.  What humans have made into traditions over time, and rules and so forth.  And though they say it’s all God’s rules, and God’s demands he put on us, well, how can I assume such?  When following those very rules is trapping me into a feeling of dissociated anxiety that prevents me doing real things that are good for clear, important actions of love and caring?  When escapism and playfulness and daydreaming are healing me way more than prayers and religious practices would?  Then what?  I guess that is up for me to decide, because it is my life and I am the only one who can decide what I’ll believe about what I should do, and how, and why, and when.  

What I can do, or can’t do, can believe or can’t believe. Even when I’ve asked God to help me believe and help me do these practices and it’s not working very well and he instead seems to be telling me to go do my escapist things, to just have fun.  And I pray all the while I’m doing these fun and escapist things, so it’s not like I’m leaving God behind.  God is in the fun and escapism and daydreaming.  

It will have to be ok, for now, because I think I will drive myself crazy and waste a horrifying amount of time if I try to worry about all the ways I’m supposedly wrong and must follow rules according to certain Christians, but can’t follow them.  No I just can’t let my life fall apart while I worry about such things.  

I feel like maybe the reason that religious rules are so rigid is that people are creatures of habit.  They are easily distressed if their rules and patterns are disrupted and so they create rules to represent their habits they want or choose to follow.  It doesn’t need to make total sense or work all the time, it just needs to be a consistent habit for them.  And then, the reason they get so upset  when they see others doing differently or when they hear others arguing against their rules is because it makes them start to feel doubt over their habits.  They really want to cling to those habits and they can’t stand doubt to be cast on them.  People are so fragile, so easily upset in their sense of self-image and personal sense of purpose and validity, thinking they have a right to be the way they are, or thinking they are good enough, as so on.  When someone starts to do things differently, they are so fragile, they start to think that if that person is doing things differently, maybe my way isn’t good and theirs is the better or the only good way.  But when people have developed rigid habits, and they prop up their religious and moral identity on them, they are very fragile if they feel that someone’s different way of doing things might be better and might show that their way is wrong.  I think that this also might account for the rampant conformity and judgmental attitudes and us vs. them mentalities that are so prevalent in human societies, even over things that absolutely don’t make any sense at all.  So you have people getting all uptight over the way others’ dress and it’s not a matter of say, indecency or offensiveness, or anything, or you have people who are judgmental about all kinds of trivial things and get very cruel and divisive over these things.

Then funny thing is that I see this behavior in my daughter, or rather, I see the insecurity that she has, when we do things differently or ask her to do something differently or ask shy she did something a certain way, and it’s not even like we are at all judgmental or harsh.  We are extremely respectful, open minded, understanding, positive, supportive parents and have always been and she is not around another negative input in that way.  We are both weird, too, and not conformists in our ways of acting so she’s not learning that from us either, and we aren’t around anyone else who would affect her in that way. 

I think it’s an instinct, to be overreactive to these things and insecure.  I have been noticing behaviors like this among others too, and how people oftentimes seem to easily upset and disrupted in their beliefs, their feelings, and their attitudes, and the least little thing from others makes them feel insecure or offended or hurt or confused, and so that might explain why religions sometimes are so controlling and fixated on every little detail of peoples’ lives even when those rules don’t always make sense or work and aren’t even possible.  And why some of these religious groups try to stamp out dissent and threaten you if you dare criticize anyone.   Because they are scared the sense of unity and harmony and confidence will be disrupted and people will lose their fragile sense of confidence in the religions.  

It’s repressive, but so are people’s mindsets and they can’t handle the least rocking the boat, and I on the other hand feel like I’m living in a stormy sea and my boat can’t not rock, but I don’t fit in with those who have to have all these rules.  I have to make my own rules or guidelines.  Maybe I do recall times in my life when I had a greater need for that kind of conformity and unity of identity and behavior with the others in my group, because I was so lost and confused but that was signal to me of what to do, what to think, what to believe and what to feel, when I was totally at a loss otherwise.  But now I can’t do it anymore.  My life demands a much more individualistic, outside the rules and lines approach.  I would become extremely mentally ill or even lose my mind, and make myself miserable if I even tried to be so silent and conforming and so approving and positive to the things that cause m great harm and need to be spoken openly about, even if only in the privacy of a blog that is still not completely private, so I feel like I'm not suffocated into total submission and repression, as if my human life and reality did not need and deserve to be cared about or noticed and given a voice, among other humans. 

THE “WRITING CURE” - 3 TYPES OF JOURNALING TO IMPROVE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Happy New Year, guys!

Yes, it is far too late to say that… but it’s my first post of 2021 and I’ve been procrastinating hella... so please kindly cry elsewhere if this is an issue. Thanks in advance! 

I hope that everyone has had a fantastic start to the year despite the fact that we’re going to be held hostage in our own homes for at least another four months.

After giving myself time to throw a fit and and a little (massive and unnecessarily dramatic) strop after hearing the news about the new lockdown and calming down a bit, I started to contemplate how different it is this time around, for better or worse. Worse in the sense that it is a) the middle of f*cking winter so we can’t even enjoy being outside and have socially distanced pIcNiCs, and b) because it literally came out of nowhere so there was zero chance to mentally prepare for it. I literally woke up from a nap, checked socials and found out that we were suddenly on lockdown… Do you realise how mad that is?

Luckily, there are some silver linings with this lockdown that I brutally force myself to focus on so I don’t lose my sh*t. One thing is that most of us probably know by now how to keep some kind of structure to our days this time - because as much as binging trash tv, being horizontal for 75% of the day, eating, chatting shit on facetime for an obscene amount of hours, bunning and going to bed at 8 am was all fun and games the first time around, chances are that you realised pretty soon that your life was literally just wasting away and you have nothing to show for it… besides bedsores, losing all muscle definition and a migraine, that is. Yes, being lazy and unproductive is needed sometimes, but eventually you’re literally gagging for something to do - and this time around you probably have something creative or work-related to do that can keep your mind preoccupied.

Additionally, this lockdown comes hand in hand with the rollout of the vaccine, meaning that the end of this nonsense is coming closer and closer. Regardless of if you’re planning on taking it or not, it still means that the emotions that are a result of isolation and lack of social interaction won’t last forever - which, for me at least, is great news and makes things feel a lot less hopeless.

However, as much as focusing on the pOsItIvEs is imperative during times like these, it’s equally as important to acknowledge and feel your feelings. This whole situation f*cking sucks, let’s be real. We miss our families, we miss our friends, we miss going out, we miss going to the gym/having the option to go to the gym and making excuses not to. We miss our old lives, and the realisation that it is going to be what feels like eons until we can get back to that is bound to get people in their feelings from time to time… or all the time. I often find myself forcing myself to stay productive and creative, only to have the thought “What’s even the point?” attack me out of nowhere, and it really kills my vibe - because sometimes I can’t even think of a decent answer.

It’s dangerously easy to fall into a slump under these circumstances, regardless of how resilient and strong you feel that you are. Forcing yourself to find structure, purpose, inspiration and motivation during this time may be extremely important, but mate...  it is exhausting. There’s only so much mental energy you can use to be ray of f*cking sunshine, and once that energy runs out, replenishing it is a huge task since you can’t even do the things you usually do to feel rejuvenated - because outside is locked off.

Ok, so I’m definitely projecting. But I know that a lot of people can relate to these occasional feelings of hopelessness.

This is where I’d usually remind you that these feelings are tEmPoRaRy and will pass, but I’m not going to do that because you’re probably sick of hearing it by now. Instead, I’m going to reintroduce you all to a coping method that you’ve all probably come across in your lives already - journaling.

As in, journaling with intent. I’m personally not very big on the whole “dEaR DiArY” thing where you just whine and b*tch and complain about people/yourself (but to each their own I guess), but I’m talking about writing about topics designed to aid your healing and to help you see the bigger picture of your mental health, and life in general.

I wrote a post a couple years ago about alternatives to therapy for those that aren’t keen on talking to a stranger about their problems (if you missed it, read it here), so I thought that this post could be an elaboration on that. Seeing as a lot of us may feel disconnected and isolated from our family and friends at this moment, getting into writing about your current mindstate, emotions and worries is definitely a healthy outlet that I would recommend to anyone that doesn’t want to bottle things up, but don’t feel like they have much choice.

“But Liv! I don’t have time to write endless pages about my feelings because I��m ~*extremely busy*~!”

I thought you might say that. First of all - extremely busy during a lockdown? Stop the lies please. Secondly, I’ve found that journaling is very much like going to the gym - once you’re into it and see the benefit of it you gladly set time aside to do it. However, if you view it as a gruelling chore that you’d less rather do than all the dishes currently in your sink, it’s very easy to come up with excuses to not do it. To be fair it isn’t for everyone, so if you try it and hate it it’s not the end of the world.

“Ok, you got me. I don’t want to do it because writing is LoNg” 

I think what puts people off journaling has to do with the image that pops into their head. To this day I still imagine Elle Woods writing in a pink fluffy diary with a pink fluffy pen on her bed and kicking her feet in the air - which may be appealing to some (me), but cringe to other (uncultured) people. But journaling doesn’t have to be done on fancy stationary - you can literally do it in a word doc in bullet point form, or even record voice memos if writing is sOoOo LoNg. The idea is that you should find a method that works for you, doesn’t feel like a burden and that you can incorporate into your routine.

With that being said, I know a lot of people reading this will still think of excuses to not do it, so let me just focus on those that are open minded enough to try something new chile. I’ll be covering my three favourite journaling “methods”, that have helped me stay sane, motivated and in touch with myself. They are very much focused on emotional, spiritual and mental growth, and will encourage you to think outside of the box when it comes to your mindset and attitude towards challenges that may (will) arise.

What’s important to remember is that what works for me may not work for or resonate with you in the same way, so I definitely encourage further research into journaling/journal prompts that are tailored to your needs. Let’s get it!

1. Gratitude journals.

To say that a gratitude journal - as far as journaling goes, at least - is imperative for your mental health during times like these is definitely the understatement of the century. When you wake up and find yourself still being held hostage, that your body is still in an absolute shambles despite all the useless hOmE wOrKoUtS you’re doing AND on top of everything it’s f*cking snowing, learning to see things to be grateful for amidst all the stress and frustration might seem like a very difficult task. Especially when you feel like setting the whole building on fire.

However, trust me when I say that taking a few moments each day to appreciate the little things that are getting you through it all will make you realise that things could actually be a whole lot worse, giving you a slight boost in your mood and outlook - because imagine how you’d feel if the thing/person you’re grateful for wasn’t there to help you through what can be a really sh*tty time? 

On top of just feeling better about this situation on a day-to-day basis, keeping a gratitude journal can also help you keep yourself grounded, present, self aware of what matters to you and just more mindful about life in general. When there’s not a whole lot of options of things to do, it can be very easy to fall into thought patterns of either wishing time would speed up so the future can come, or reminiscing on better and happier times in the past. I wouldn’t necessarily say that there is anything wrong with this from time to time, but it’s important to remember that life is still passing you by. On top of that, considering what made a kind of crap day bearable will help you realise that many of what we consider to be “bad days” are oftentimes a direct result of a negative attitude. Yes, I am projecting with this one.

With that being said, some days are genuinely just unfathomably horrible for seemingly no justifiable reason whatsoever - regardless of if you woke up feeling like a ray of sunshine or not. Again, even when bad moods aren’t a direct result of your stank attitude, practising gratitude can give you the motivation and kick in the arse you need to just ride the day out and remember that nothing that happens is permanent or unfixable. 

Then, of course, there are the days when everything just feels like a burden - including thinking about positive things. Sometimes slumps just dropkick us in the throat out of nowhere, and it’s okay to take some time to allow yourself to be pissed off, sad and depressed. Obviously everyone has their own preferred method of riding out these slumps (my personal favourite is wallowing in it until I realise that I need to get a f*cking grip), but I definitely recommend trying to find something small you’re grateful for to remind yourself that it will pass, as this knowledge can make heavy emotions slightly lighter.

In terms of frequency, it really is down to the individual. I’m lazy in the sense that I don’t want to write every day, so at the end of each week I just write about three things that made things a whole lot easier and that prevented me from wilding the f*ck out. And in terms of what you put in the journal, the sky is literally the limit. It can literally be anything that has contributed to you keeping your sanity; last week it was katsu nuggets, the neosoul playlist I came across on Spotify and the fact that I was finally able to switch from a nose stud to a nose ring that made me feel grateful. So, in other words… don’t worry about it having to be profound or meaningful in any way.

2. Positive affirmations.

I’m going to go ahead and assume that you don’t live under a rock and that you understand the meaning of the saying that words carry energy and power, and the concept of speaking things into existence. When I first read about how the words we speak to ourselves and others can transform our internal states on a deep and profound level… all I could think about was how f*cked I am, as I literally only communicate in sarcasm, and brutal drags and insults are my love languages. In my defence, my sarcasm is a coping mechanism that has completely gone off the rails - but that’s a post for another day. The point I’m trying to make is that words have extreme power, and can, when repeated often enough, alter your attitude, perception and feelings about yourself, your goals in life and your current situation - for better or for worse.

So... technically we shouldn’t even be engaging in any kind of self-deprecating humor - because our brain doesn’t actually know the difference between seriousness and sarcasm/bants. All it knows is taking words at face value. BIG yikes.

With that being said, affirmations are powerful and positive statements that aim to direct your conscious and subconscious mind, as well as challenge unhealthy, negative and self-deprecating thinking patterns you might currently be engaging in. They can also influence your subconscious mind to access new beliefs - hence why saying them out loud and with intent on a regular basis is considered crucial for them to actually work. By intent I basically mean speaking your affirmations with conviction, like they are already true - regardless of how far away from them being true you may feel that you are.

In terms of writing positive affirmations that genuinely work, there are many different formats and methods out there that can be adjusted to the individual. I personally utilise a 3 step method that has been working well-ish for me so far - it’s still early days, but it’s definitely a positive habit that I’m trying my best to continue. The 3 steps are as follows:

1, Listing your perceived negative features.

Notice how I say “perceived negative features” as opposed to just “negative features”. This is important because more often than not, the things we are insecure about or don’t like about ourselves are only truly noticeable to us. 

These features can literally be anything negative that has stuck with you over the years, regardless of if it’s a product of your own conclusions/internal critic or criticism/negative feedback from an external source. Usually they focus on your perception of yourself as a person, how you cope with life or the current situation you are in (e.g. home-/work-life, relationships etc).

The purpose of writing down things you don’t like about yourself isn’t to make you feel like sh*t, I promise. It’s to help you identify recurring themes in your insecurities, and to help you understand where these perceptions even came from in the first place. 

2. Rephrasing your perceived negative features as a positive affirmation.

In this step, the aim is to find positive antonyms to the negative features you have listed. It’s important that the words you choose carry weight and resonate with you on an emotional level, while also feeling believable and attainable to you. This, because if you’re anything like me you’ll feel like you’re just lying to yourself if the affirmation is too over the top… which kind of defeats the purpose. 

For clarity, here are a few of my perceived negative features (in the past), what they allude to and the affirmations I wrote for them:

- I worry too much about what other people will think about what I do, what I say, choices I make etc (fear of not being accepted/being talked about negatively) —> “I am feeling more empowered and self-assured as I release the need to care about others’ opinions”

- I’m too naive and keep letting people that don’t have my best interest at heart take advantage of my kindness (fear of disappointing people, fear of abandonment) —> “I am a kind, empathetic, loving person, and I am not at fault for showing kindness to people that didn’t deserve it”

- I hate the way my body is built and I constantly feel unattractive (low self esteem/confidence, body dysmorphia) —> “my body is beautiful, built exactly as it was meant to be, does all it can to ensure that I am strong and healthy and is immune to both internal and external criticism”.

3. Repeating your affirmations regularly.

This is where the ~*magic*~ happens. Yes, I am aware that telling yourself that you are that b*tch while looking into your own eyes in the mirror sounds very cringe and very coming-of-age-Netflix-original-for-tweens like. I can’t lie, it was in the beginning and I felt absolutely ridiculous… especially because a lot of my affirmations didn’t reflect how I felt about myself at the time. But as you incorporate repeating your affirmations into your daily routine, you’ll eventually start to feel a shift in your mindset towards yourself. The words you speak begin to chip away at the self-doubt and self-hate that you’ve built up over the course of your life, and you feel like you actually are stating facts instead of just trying to convince yourself.

Besides forcing myself to speak my affirmations out loud on a daily basis - regardless of how I’m feeling - I also make an effort to review them every couple of weeks to make sure that they are still relevant to how I feel about myself. Ideally, over time you’ll realise that the affirmations you made in the past confirm what you have always known deep down - that you are more than enough exactly as you are.

3. Shadow work.

Ok, so this sounds very dramatic, scary and ominous - and can’t lie, it can be if you allow yourself to be afraid of facing certain parts of yourself. In very brief terms, shadow work refers to the uncovering, processing and healing of different aspects of our “shadow” - which is essentially all the thoughts, emotions and behaviours we suppress and hide away in order to be perceived as “normal” by others around us. This might not seem like a problem, but the issue here is that the concept of “normality” and what is considered to be “normal” is in itself deeply rooted in the individuals past experiences, and especially childhood. For example, a person that grew up in an environment where expressing emotions and vulnerability/sensitivity was seen as a weakness may have problems with expressing their emotions as adults - since they have been conditioned to believe that emotions are a weakness, and are meant to be hidden away in order to be accepted.

As you can probably imagine, going through life with these false truths ingrained in your mind have a tendency to eventually come to the surface in some way in the future. Constantly feeling like you are restraining certain parts of yourself - regardless of if you’re aware of this or not - can manifest as issues such as mental and physical illness, feelings of low self-worth/esteem, addictions and many others issues that affect our life quality severely. These repressed aspects of ourselves are referred to as our “shadow selves”, and if we don’t “bring light” to the shadow - i.e. face the qualities we have that we have held back for so long - it can truly hold us back from reaching our full potential in life. 

With that being said, shadow work encourages you to force yourself out of denial about certain aspects of yourself, accepting it, and working on unpacking and bettering those aspects without judgment from your ego. I personally struggled a lot in the beginning of my shadow work jOuRnEy because it was infinitely easier to think of myself as a victim of others doings, rather than a combination of other people’s actions and how my ego and shadow self chose to react… if that makes any sense. I used to hate doing shadow work, because I felt so ashamed and angry at myself for allowing my ego to be distorted by lies and other peoples’ projections for so long. 

However, when these feelings arise and you feel like quitting - because WHY should healing be so f*cking painful - it’s actually a sign that you are headed in the right direction. Messed up, I know. But over time, you’ll become so used to sitting with your negative feelings towards yourself that they don’t even really phase you anymore, and you can admit that your shadow self and ego has caused you to form unhealthy habits and thinking patterns that can be detrimental to your mental health. Over time, you’ll develop a great sense of self awareness and self compassion, as well as great psychological, emotional and interpersonal maturity. 

Trust me. Being able to admit and accept that you are flawed without being harsh on or hating yourself is a BIG flex, and makes you unf*ckwittable. I actually dare someone to come and drag me for something I haven’t already dragged and forgiven myself for, because I haven’t had a good laugh in a while.

So, the bottom line with shadow work isn’t to bring light to your flaws to feel like shit about yourself (although you definitely will). The point is to bring said flaws to the surface, understand where they stem from, consider why and how it has affected you, and becoming aware of your triggers. Setting time aside a certain time each week to do this work and understand yourself on a deeper level gives you power over your ego, shadow self and triggers, because doing the work helps you see and understand that they don’t really have power over you unless you let them. 

In terms of format, I really just do whatever feels right when it’s shadow work o’clock. If I’ve had a particularly sh*tty week and can assign the blame to one of my shadow aspects, I literally just freestyle and write whatever comes to mind (my journal has SUFFERED this lockdown, honey). If nothing comes to mind, I like to make use of journal prompts that are designed to get you thinking and reflecting. I literally just get them online because I’m lazy, but here are some good ones to get you started:

- How judged do you feel on a daily basis? How much of said judgement is real and how much is imagined?

- What does it feel like to have your emotions belittled and downplayed?

- What has fear held you back from? Do you blame yourself or others?

- In what ways are you inauthentic?

As you can see, these prompts do not f*ck about. They’re going to get you in your feelings, make you feel weak and vulnerable and cry like a little b*tch, if you’re anything like me - not that there’s anything wrong with that! But the best part is that once you’ve finished writing, sat with all your negative emotions, accepted them and decided you are ready to move forward and heal, your triggers become less and less powerful - until the day comes when they’ve dissolved completely.

So, there you have it - three tools to help maximise your inner connection to your mental, physical, spiritual and overall wellbeing. As previously mentioned, there are tonnes more different journaling methods that can trigger a positive change in your mental health, and I definitely recommend looking into this and trying them out… wHeN yOu HaVe ThE tImE.

On that note, I want to reiterate that journaling shouldn’t be feeling like a time-consuming burden that you have to put a gun to your head to do every time - because brutally forcing yourself to do it is just going to make you feel sh*tty when you don’t/can’t/won’t follow through. It’s all about finding a time during the day, week or month (whatever frequency is best for you) that you set aside to really get in touch with and sit with your feelings. At the end of the day, it truly is a commitment that you make to yourself - and only you can decide how seriously you want to take this commitment. I will say this though - being inconsistent, procrastinating, skipping or making excuses to not do it only leads to distrust of the self. And If you can’t show up for yourself, how can you expect others to show up for you?

Check me out, leaving you all with food for thought and sh*t (and like I haven’t been ignoring the deadlines I’ve been setting for myself for weeks. Hypocrisy is and always will be my favourite pastime!). It’s giving Eckhart Tolle and I love it. The bottom line is that journaling can be a very powerful tool in your healing process, and it’s up to you to make it work for you. 

Until next time!

Love,

Liv

can i ask your advice on how to keep social relationships (friendship/romance) going during a social isolation period! obv i know everyone is struggling w this rn, but i would love to hear your thoughts even if you don't have any advice. :)

this is definitely probably the single thing ive struggled with the most since starting this. im an ambivert, so within my groups i am extremely social, and im very contact oriented, so being isolated is lowkey destroying me. i live with my grandmother and our cat so im not alone-alone, but she’s not a great social partner, unfortunately. 

for both friendship and romance: it’s all about the communication between you and them. you should already have comfortable communication and being able to vocalize your needs, especially with a romantic partner. my bf isn’t great with it, but he knows how much being able to hear him means to me, so especially now, he makes an extra effort to be social with me. so:

talk to them. use facetime, or zoom, or discord, or whatever else. keep group chats running. just knowing someone else is on the other end takes a lot of the pressures of isolation off of you. it’s why ive been so active on tumblr/discord lately, because those are my main sources of socialization.

video chat or call. texting is dry, and can sometimes make you feel too alone because of the lack of noise another person creates. my house doesnt have a lot of ambient noise from people (only the tv and the birds/frogs outside), so it gets really quiet and lonely here sometimes. my bf knows this, so oftentimes if he’s not actively doing something or his parents arent busy and need quiet, he’ll call me on facetime just so we can sit on the call together. we dont have to talk, but especially for me, just being able to hear him shift around or the clicking of his video game remotes is really comforting and reminds me that even though he’s not physically touchable, there’s still someone here next to me. 

discover new communities. branch out! if you only run in one or two circles, you’ll end up feeling isolated within them. if youre picking up a new hobby (which i greatly encourage), join some groups for that! tumblr is really good about having micro communities for stuff like cooking, crafts, books, games, tv shows, whatever else. you’ll make new friends pretty easily, and have something to do! you can also find other groups through platforms like twitter or reddit.

make a point of checking in on your friends/family. i try and reach out to every single group im in every day, not only for my own socialization, but for everyone else too. we’re all struggling, and it makes a difference to know that someone is invested in your wellbeing. keep up with everyone and how theyre doing. everyone needs to know theyre remembered right now. 

play games together. if you have games with multiplayer functions, make a point of meeting up with others to play together! its a great form of proxy socialization. my friends and i are trying to set up a minecraft server so we can hang out together and do something. if its single player, you can call and play it side by side! my roommate and i are both playing the 100 baby challenge for the sims, and so every now and then we’ll call and update each other on how our sims are doing, and who’s farther ahead in the challenge.

help out where you can. if you have the availability and the ability, help out in your local community. a lot of elderly and vulnerable people are very scared right now, and doing things like volunteering for grocery or medical shopping/delivery, or donating blood (there is currently an +extreme shortage to national and regional blood banks). if you belong to a religious organization or other such community that is doing check in/social calls to the elderly, consider offering your support. it’s good for you and for them.

remember that it’s okay to be lonely. this is very, very hard for people. we dont know how this will change. if you can stabilize yourself now and acclimate to your situation, preparing yourself for the long term, it will make things much easier in the long run. don’t lose hope. don’t cut yourself off. take care of yourself, and take care of others. reach out. we’re going to be fine! my inbox is always open if anyone ever needs a friend or just someone to talk with. it’s important, more than ever right now, to stay in contact with others.

3.  Una festa in cui nessuno ti vuole

Here we go, my thoughts on episode 3 of season 1! Finally the whole girl squad is together and out there having fun. The topics I’ve managed to ramble about about this time are double standards, fandom, Mom friend™ Giovanni Garau and the mysterious Francesca Mirabella, as well as the results of the Bechdel test for this episode  ✌🏻

“Eva, mi guardi?” was the precursor to “Martino, guardami Martino!”

Gio really doesn’t get it. He keeps saying he’s doing things for Eva, when actually he does them to appease her so she won’t bust his balls, so he’s doing them for himself

Cerami and Bea sound exactly like all couples of middle schoolers I knew when I was in middle school myself. The shoes thing especially. It’s hilarious.

I understand Gio’s frustration with Eva, I do, cause it’s hard being the only point of reference for a person when you have a much more diverse social life. I’ve been on both sides of their situations actually. When Gio says “Couldn’t you try to make some friends?” I know his intentions are good, he’s coming from a place of wanting happiness for this girl he’s in love with, despite being frustrated with her just then; but I also understand Eva a lot, the feeling of isolation, of not knowing what to do or who to turn to because everyone just seems too distant or too busy with their lives (and of course there’s some condescension there too, cause she’s a teenager, she’s got standards, especially since she was popular before fighting with Laura), and the frustration she must feel, because it’s not just Laura ostracizing her, she made scorched earth around Eva for several degrees of acquaintances; and I’m 100% sure that deep, deep down Eva is a bit angry that she had to bear most of the brunt while Gio came out of the situation unscathed

Eva’s disdain for her classmates who like manga and k-pop wounds me deep into my fangirl heart, not because I’m specifically a fan of those things myself, but because she’s using those example to say they’re loser nerds because they have that strong passion for those things, the same passion I am, as a matter of fact, pouring over Skam Italia and Eva’s own story right now. Plus she’s basically shitting on fandoms included among those mostly made up of teen girls and LGBTQ+ people, so there’s that. Are you a fangirl of anything, Eva? Do you know what it means to fell such a pull towards something, a book, a movie, a song? Have you ever felt it? Do you know how nice, how rewarding being a part of fandom is? How fun? My wish for Eva at the end of the season, for when she decides to focus more on herself, on understanding who she is, is actually to get in one of those fandoms she seems to dislike, cause it’s a wild ride, yes, but it’s also an opportunity to learn so much about other people, places, worlds, and ultimately about yourself.

“Eva, it’s nice to be around you. Maybe you forgot, but when someone is around you, it feels nice. Trust me.” And this I think is the first real taste of that Mom friend™ Gio we’ve come to know and love in season 2, that protective, supportive, loyal person who gives good advice and just knows how to lift your spirits. This could have 100% been a conversation he had with Marti in S2, if Marti had been feeling insecure after he pushed everyone away. More importantly, this could 100% be something Gio tells Nico at any point ever in which he’s feeling low. Can you imagine that? Oh my God. Especially with the joke about smelling afterwards. (Aaand I made it about S2 rather than about Eva. Ops.)

poor Eva, she tries so hard. Too hard, in fact. If instead of that whole three-messages-and-a-sticker explanation she’d just gone “*Hey” it would have made her cringe less at herself and it would probably have prompted more of a response from Ele. I understand the panic though.

those theatre kids look just like the twins from “The Shining”! The girls is even wearing light blue like them! And they walk in sync and call Eva’s name repeatedly and ask her to come act in a play with them! OMG, LudoBesse’s mind, honestly.

Ele is so bad at fake crying, really. And the fact that theatre guy, a person who’s supposed to know something about acting/pretending, falls for it kills me.

Evanora for the win, honestly, look how cute they are together. I mean, Ele definitely looks pretty smitten here, immediately noticing Eva from afar, making her smile and reassuring her in a roundabout way about her fumble on Facebook a few days before

poor Gio, the Anglo-Spanish War is kind of a bitch, though to be fair the only things about it history professors usually care about are who was ruling those countries and the Invincible Armada; the Thirty Years’ War is much more interesting (defenestration of Prague, anyone?)

how cute is Silvia??? BRB going to throw myself into a volcano

Gio and Marti doing the parent thing over Eva like Gio and Elia will do in S2 over Marti himself

then Martino catches Federica’s eye and we have the infamous spoon scene; Fede sort-of-pretends-to-fellate the spoon and Marti looks away, embarrassed and uneasy. I love how Skam (both the og and Italia) have taken the trope of the guy ogling the girl from afar (or not so afar) and her feeling uncomfortable under the attention, and have reversed the gender of who’s looking and who’s looked at.

What I don’t like is how it’s framed, in the shots and in the discussion between the characters, like it’s creepier than most of the stuff boys do to girls during the series (I’m thinking especially of guys at parties in general and of the Villa boys). The vehemence Martino uses to express his discomfort over Federica sexualizing him and making her interest evident is basically the same with which the girls react to finding the tally on the wall behind the boys’ bathrooms. This would kind of be fine, despite the fact that the two things are imo on different levels of disgusting, if it was discussed somehow that boys doing disturbing stuff are considered normal, just hormonal teensagers, but when girls do a fraction of the same thing they’re demonized, considered really weird and too horny. There’s no discussion of the double standard and that’s what bothers me.

Something else that would have been interesting to explore, maybe not with Marti, but later with possibly Chicco Rodi, since we see Fede talk to him at a party and even kiss him (if I remember correctly) is the follow-up from that trope: the guy usually goes up to the girl and makes a comment and she turns him away, but oftentimes after he insists a while she concedes and she ends up dancing/going out/going home with him. Which is a shitty thing that happens in a lot of media. It’s actually kind of what happens with Edoardo and Eleonora later. And it would have been super interesting to see Fede doing the ogling thing (which would have never been as rude, graphic and uncomfortable as guys can get, anyways), being turned down, then actually getting her way, and what kind of reactions she’d have from the guy and from the girl squad.

Martino is such an asshole! Silvia obviously extends her invitation to him and Gio out of politeness because they’re friends with the girl who helped her in a bad situation, she doesn’t know them and she was not obligated to invite them along. And while Gio manages to keep an appearance of politeness, Martino straight up mocks Silvia who’s been nothing but nice and enthusiastic towards Eva. That, in my book, is even worse than the two boys being their unsupportive selves yet again and telling Eva to get new friends, then not helping her make some. And that’s such a boys thing, honestly, to spot a problem and tell others to solve it but not help along!

and Silvia is so nice, she’s so good at driving the conversation along, keeping track of the social cues: she feels Eva doesn’t agree with the guys, so she extends her invitation again, then elbows Fede for some support, but she just makes things awkward so Silvia has to smooth things out, then she invites Eva again and is finally able to make plans, but she still has to diffuse the situation when she sees the boys are uncomfortable with Fede’s suggestive actions. So much emotional labour for just one conversation. Thankfully Eva helps her along a bit, cause no-one else does.

by the way, I totally understand and share Federica’s kind of humor and I love her

Marti’s face at Fede’s joke about psychotropic drugs though. Completely blank, just for a second.

I think it’s telling, though, that Federica is one with the weird actions and the weird humor nobody gets, because she’s the fat girl, so she gets pigeonholed as the comic-relief character: she does whatever comes to her mind, she doesn’t seem to pick up on social cues and she’s there mostly to make the other characters laugh or to make them look more refined, more clever or to say how cool they are; sure, she’s a good friend who stands up for Sana and Eva when it’s called for but her character could be way rounder

oh, guys. Marti and Gio’s reaction as soon as Silvia and Fede are out of earshot, it makes my heart bleed. The mocking, the casual fat shaming, the way Martino looks absolutely disgusted about that girl showing an interest in him

Ele acting aloof and dismissive of Silvia is not my favorite thing, I mean, I get not liking a person from the get go, but for God’s sake, come up with an excuse or something, there’s no need to be so blunt when she’s just inviting you to a party

you can actually subtly see Ele kind of relax when Fede arrives, she’s obviously much more her speed

and of course we have Sana, scathing Sana, picking up on Silvia’s racism straight away and calling her the fuck out but diffusing the situation with humor anyways

Silvia is looking for cool girls to make her own group since she’s been more or less kicked out of Laura’s; Silvia probably used to be the popular girls in her class, but Laura has taken that role from her, first integrating with Sara in Silvia’s friend group, then “overthrowing” her, despite only being in her class a few months, given that the transfer from Succursale, when Laura, Eva and Gio’s class was separated into groups that were merged with pre-existing classes, happened the previous September

(btw, Eva, Gio, Marti and Elia are in 4B, Ele in in 4A, so Silvia, Fede, Laura and Sara are in another class; Sana is probably in yet another class; and Luca could be either in the same class as Ele, as Silvia and Fede, as Sana or in another completely different class)

Eva hasn’t picked up on Silvia’s desperate desire to be one of the cool people yet, and Eleonora hasn’t explained it to her either? Pffft

OMG Silvia has an older sister???? I completely missed that the first time around! Hi Francesca Mirabella! You seem to be older and popular since you get into Villa guys’ parties, so you explain so much about Silvia

Ele has been at Kennedy high only for a month, so she might not know yet who the most popular people are yet, I can get behind that; but Eva? After 7 months? Not having the perception of the internal hierarchy of her school? Girl, please.

Eleonora dubs Edoardo “faccia da cazzo” and “capelli di merda” right away 👏👏👏

on the other hand, Sana seems to know the social hierarchy of both the school and her year very well, probably because she absolutely needs to in order to avoid at least some of the discrimination

Sana clearly has plenty of ideas about how to be popular, but she’s much better at preaching than at doing; Silvia wants to be liked by everyone, probably because of some complex she has about being in her sister’s shadow, but her solution is to be at the same time judgemental and a pushover; Sana’s brutal honesty and “advice” is meant more to hurt than to help Silvia become a better, more genuinely likable person; Sana’s probably lashing out because she was hurt by Silvia’s behaviour towards her

Federica is so clearly the comic relief in this scene, not one of her lines pushes the conversation along plus she acts like she’s completely oblivious to the tension between Silvia and Sana

yas for Eleonora who has the common sense to actually look for an alternative solution since they’re obviously not going to Martucci’s party, I like a practical girl

even at the club, Sana shows diffidence until the girls (probably Ele with some help from Fede) pull her in, drag her away from the bar so she can take selfies and dance with them; is she uncomfortable? Is she just trying to act cool? Is it a defense mechanism? Is she trying to keep away so people won’t look weirdly at the girls because they associate with the “terrorist”, is she afraid someone will say or do something?

seeing the girls dancing and having fun like gives me such a nostalgic feeling for those few (because I’m a really self-conscious motherfucker) parties in high school in which I was really able to have fun with my friends

Bechdel test: the episodes passes the test, with flying colors I might add, since there’s the conversation between Eva and Eleonora in the corridor after the theatre guys leave; Silvia thanking Eva and inviting her to the party; the whole scene with the girl squad in the courtyard, both when it’s just Ele and Eva, when Silvia arrives, when all five girls are present and when Sana leaves; finally, the first part of the conversation at the Baretto, when they’re talking about the party, then Edoardo is mentioned and it stops passing the test.

This post is part of my complete series of meta about Skam Italia season 1.  If you’d like to read more of my thoughts about the other episodes, you can find the mastepost linked in the top bar on my blog under SKAMIT: EVA. Cheers!

COPY: First Revision

Introduction.

What goes on, online?

Anything and everything. It’s a beautiful and vibrant mess of human interaction. Everything from trivial and thoughtless acts to the most sincere and genuine deeds. It’s grounds for the vicious and the virtuous alike. The internet is what you make of it; A tool as good or bad as it’s wielders.

What this book is

It’d take a thousand lifetimes to see it all.

How about a quick glimpse instead?

Hiya, I’m Tom! I’ve spent enough of my life online that I can confer some of my findings to you. This book is a smörgåsbord of experiences, phenomena, and memories I’ve been witness to and participant in during my time here. While not a full picture, it should help you navigate the ballpark of possibilities out there. My experiences are just one sample from billions; perhaps after this you’ll seek to venture out further into that world-wide web, or - at the very least - understand a little better those who do.

Heads-up

Listen a moment, before you go.

I am only one person. My field of view is limited, as is my foresight. Take my advice with a grain of salt, I can’t prepare you for everything. There’s so much more out there waiting for you, some good, some bad; be sensible.

Who am I, online?

Personas and the separation of meatspace and cyberspace.

Online, your real-life identity isn’t attached to you by default. Of course there’s places where the expectation is indeed a connection to real identities - like Facebook for example - but this is not a requirement. I’m not known as ‘Tom’ online, people know me by my username, and t.

It’s not a fake me, or a way to lie to people, it’s just an alternate expression of myself. We act differently to different people in so many social situations, - from time with family, to at work, and to hanging out with friends - the internet allows even more possible ways to express parts of ourselves. For me, it’s liberating to exist in a state that’s disconnected from the tangle of my real life self, and to keep the tangle of my internet presence away from real life as well.

Equal ground, just another user.

On the internet, nobody knows who you are.

Unless you divulge them, your identity, physical appearance, background, nationality, gender, race and so on are completely unknown; this is the great equalizer. Free from biases based on your physical self, you can be perceived as purely another person.

Still a person, despite appearances.

A clean slate can tempt some however to act recklessly. If an identity and stigma can be shed so easily, some people feel emboldened to act without the threat of consequences; verbally beat someone up, and then wash your hands of the whole incident.

It’s important to remember that people online are still people; while their faces might be obscured, they still have thoughts and feelings.

In general, talking to people online has the same potential as real-life to be great, awful, or somewhere inbetween. It’s just luck of the draw who you’ll encounter.

Who else?

I’m hanging out with my friends.

“Go outside and spend time with your friends!”

What a classic line. Truth is I’m already spending time with my friends, just on the computer. It can be hard to organise in person meetups sometimes, and meeting up online can be much more spontaneous. All it takes is noticing someone else is online and flicking them a message, Boom, instant hangout, and before you know it you’ve got all the boys bantering away.

Over the first lockdown in 2020 me and most of my real-life friends started a minecraft server together and played through it for the duration of our stint stuck at home. It was like a little clubhouse, each time we logged in and saw things change slightly since last time. We left each other notes and set up gifts and pranks for when people left and returned. It was a great way to keep in touch when we were otherwise very isolated from social contact.

Guest speaker, Josh

[Josh text]

In general, hanging out online is pretty great. It might not be perfect, and sure we could get a little more sunlight, but for what it’s worth it’s good for the soul and sometimes the best thing on hand. Friendships don’t care about how you nourish them, just that you do.

[WHY ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?]

I don’t know the names of some of my closest friends.

What about friendships that never were from real life, rather that grew from the internet.

I don’t know the names of some of my closest friends.

That doesn’t mean I don’t care about them; it’s just we all know each other by our usernames and whatever funny profile picture we’re rocking at the time. I still know their personalities, their sense of humor, what they like and don’t, and everything else you’d know about a friend. We still have inside jokes, favourite group pastimes, and all the rest.

This has caused some strange moments though. When I was younger and my parents would ask who I’m talking to on the computer, I wouldn’t know how to respond. Do I tell them “I don’t know” and spark images in their heads of catfishers and criminals? Do I tell them my friend’s username and get told “that’s not a real name”? There really wasn’t any good solution in my head at the time, so I’d just say “someone from school” and pray the topic of the conversation would change as fast as possible.

A couple of times an internet friend has accidentally let their real name slip in a conversation, and that instantly got met with waves of banter about how “you’re not an Alex” or whatever the name was. We’d quickly forget about it though, we still see each other as the identities we met each other with; someone’s real-life name doesn’t change how we see them. In that sense, I suppose usernames are like a self-determination thing; you get to pick a name for yourself, based on who you see yourself as.

Timeless zones.

Because everyone lives in different time-zones, it can often be difficult to pre-plan hangouts. Oftentimes me and my friends have planned to have a movie night at a specific time, and then once that time rolls around, one or two people are still offline, probably asleep. Oftentimes whoever was missing will come online several hours later and be sorry and upset that they held everyone up and wasted everyone’s time. Of course, we had all just postponed the movie night and just hung out and chatted instead.

Perfect is the enemy of good. Oftentimes we have to accept that it’s near impossible to have everyone hang out at the same time; it’d require half of us to be up at god awful times or to wake up at 4am for something. Instead of trying to plan big ‘everyone’ events every once in a blue moon, we try to have frequent but smaller hangouts. It might mean that we don’t get to see everyone at the same time, but it’s still workable. If we were to hold out till everyone was free at the same time, we’d never end up hanging out at all.

My version of the morning paper is skimming what my mates have been talking about in the group chat. Most of the time it’s pretty coherent and I can tell what was going on, but sometimes it dissolves into a mess of completely unrelated images and text that doesn’t read like a conversation at all. Using my expert detective skills I have deduced that our two culprits were actually talking in a voice chat, and were just using the text chat to show each other stupid pictures of dogs.

That time my friend went missing.

A while ago, someone in one of my friend groups noted that someone hadn’t been online for two weeks. Dread set in. We all knew that our friend was very prone to getting ill, and we didn’t want to say it but we were worried she might have died. Since we don’t know each other in ‘real life’ it was entirely possible that someone could drop dead one day and we’d never get any confirmation; just left wondering what happened. We asked around in common friend circles, and nobody had heard from her, coming up on about three weeks at that point. We had to do something.

Multiple friend circles of people from all around the world, scrambling to find any scrap of information about our lost friend. One person had ‘maybe’ an address that they sent something to once, but it might have been an old house. We found about three different possible legal names, and had no way to be sure which was right. We ended up sending a letter addressed to three different names ‘or the family of’. It was a desperate shot in the dark, but we were worried sick.

It turned out she was alright, but she had been stuck in hospital for a while and didn’t have access to a phone. We all had a laugh over how everyone overreacted, but it really did scare me. I’ve learned to really value the time I get to spend with my online friends; next time might not be so lucky, and if something were to happen it’s hard to ever get closure on it.

Wider World.

Community

One thing the internet’s really helped with is connecting like-minded individuals. Before the internet, if you had a niche hobby, you were probably the only person you know in your town with that hobby. Kinda lame, yeah? Nowadays, you can reach across the globe and connect with everyone who’s into the same stuff as you! Mainstream topics can have gargantuan communities, but what I find even more interesting is the weird obscure hobbies and groups, the kind that would never survive without the internet.

My personal favourite is the community around the video game ‘Space Station 13’; it’s a simulation roleplay game that’s been kicking around for about 18 years at this point, kept alive by a cult following of obsessed players. The programming sucks, and the controls are horrifically obtuse, but it’s got a charm that I can’t deny. It’s not for everyone, and I think that’s great. It’s not for everyone, but thanks to the internet enough people can still get together that they can enjoy it.

Someone sends me a funny picture. There’s three layers of delight. The first - of course - is that the picture is funny. Beyond that, there’s also the impulsive knowledge that I know who else I could send it to that might like it; it’s a chain letter that for once isn’t a scam. And the third layer is knowing that whoever sent the picture to me first got it sent to them and thought “Hey, I know who might like this”!

Random people

Strange patterns can emerge after lurking and watching from the sidelines.

In the rules discussion channel of a board game group I’m in, I swear sometimes it’s like I’m stuck in a time loop. I watch a random person ask a common question about the game, and then someone else will get the rules clarified for them. A few hours will pass, the conversation drifting elsewhere as people drop in and out. Suddenly, I spot it; the same question from before, but from a different person. Like clockwork, another nameless devout will rise up and deliver the answer. And again. And again. It’s like a two-line stage show where the audience is also the cast, over and over and over.

Since profile pictures and usernames are self-selected you do get a weird little keyhole view of who you’re talking to might be like. This person has a picture of a cat as their profile image. Is it their cat, or did they just think the cat looked nice? Their username is ‘Millie’, is that their real life name; maybe? Or what if it’s the cat’s name? Are they pretending to be their cat? Are they a cat?

Getting popular, online presence & all eyes on you

Having a large presence online - that is, having other people follow or be ‘fans’ of you - is a mixed bag. For me it’s been really good in allowing me to get my art out there and get clients, but it’s also weird. It feels a bit like I’m up on a stage sometimes, everyone’s watching me. I’ve lost the feeling of being ‘just another guy in the crowd’. What if someone reads something I posted the wrong way? Do I keep being aloof and carefree, or will that hurt my image. Should I care?

Getting weird; parasocial relationships, doxxing, and personal armies.

People with large presences can feel familiar, friendly, like you’re already friends.

I’ve caught myself falling into this in the past. Parasocial relationships. There was an artist I really admired the style of. The brain’s great at filling in the details you want to be real. I realised that I had it written in my head that this person was super cool and the best and that it’d be really cool if we hung out. All extrapolation. While it’s entirely possible that they were everything I had imagined them to be, until it’s tested it’s all just imagination and fantasy. If you’ve never talked to them, how could you know?

Guest speaker, Chai

[Chai text]

Connecting with meatspace

Back down to earth. What happens when the digital and the physical self have to intersect? The two identities are from the same person, but they’re not the same.

My family found my twitter.

One time, my parents sent me a text: “Lucy showed us your art, looking really cool Tom!”. How. I’d never sent my family any of my online profiles. I check my Twitter; sure enough in front of my eyes the screen tells me my sister has followed my twitter account. Abject horror. How much did they look at? What did they think? Should I start looking for a flat?

It’s not that I had anything to hide, it’s just that it felt… misaligned. Like two worlds coming together that shouldn’t. I’m sure for them it was just “Wow, look at our son go!”, but for me it was a wave of confusion and dread.

Visiting internet friends. (They weren’t murderers.)

One time, I was lucky enough to have a few of my internet friends visit in real life. I was showing them around my house, when I ran into my mum. It hit me. Who do I even introduce these people as? We all know each other by our online names and had been using them in conversation minutes earlier, but that would make no sense to my poor mum. And so, awkwardly, one by one my friends rattled off a set of names entirely alien to me. We all kept straight faces as each of us discovered “Wait, this person’s called WHAT?”.

We all promptly forgot each other’s names within about two minutes.

LDRs

Thanks to the internet, I met my partner.

Almost four years later, we’re still going strong. It helps a lot that a lot of our common interests can be done online, chiefly gaming and watching shows. But even the other stuff, we can still do together in some aspects. We always say good morning and goodnight to each other on the phone, and fill each other in on what we’ve been up to that day. If we go somewhere and see something cool, we can still share pictures and videos. If I make a really nice dinner, I can send them the recipe and they can have a taste (though that last one might depend on their cooking skills).

Of course, it’s not identical to an in-person relationship, and it can be more stressful. You have to put a lot more effort into reaching out to each other and making time to hang out and talk; it won’t happen by accident. We’re both really looking forward to being able to move together, but until then, being together apart isn’t all that bad.

Signing off.

The Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2020

Screw your introductions. It’s 2020, we haven’t got time for a pre-amble. This is the best list.

THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 2020

For 2018 and 2017, I did four massive lists with at least 10 songs each discussed in depth for the end of the year. I’m proud of them and I stick by them but they’re tedious to write and read. You really need some kind of visual medium for them to work that well, at least in my style of year-end lists. Thankfully, there are hundreds of people doing just that so instead, I’m just going to take 10 songs I remember from the predicted year-end list and ramble about them in hopefully a more precise way. Let’s start with... oh, for f—

#10

“I Hope” – Gabby Barrett

Peak: #3

I don’t like country music, or really get country music. I’m British, I’m not supposed to, but as I do watch charts I see country music gaining increased prominence on the charts, in an era of streaming I didn’t think it could really cope with. I’m using SailorCharts’ predictions for the Billboard Year-End Hot 100; this is at #10, which is crazy to me. That’s probably thanks to that nonsensical Charlie Puth remix but let’s ignore that for the sake of my sanity. “I Hope” is vindictive, overly harsh and absolutely repulsive. It shows an uglier side to Gabby Barrett that you’d usually only be able to see if you look up her political views, but that’s what makes it so uniquely cathartic to me. This is a person who I disagree with heavily on a moral principle ripping off a middling Carrie Underwood track with blown-out, compressed and really gross production... but that’s 2020 for you. It’s hard to listen to with a straight face or without turning it off, but you have to endure it. You have to listen to this woman croakily belt her overlong chorus until the melody of that hook grounds itself into your mind, and you remember that climax point. “And then I hope she cheats”. Barrett isn’t destroying the guy’s sports car as a metaphor for her revenge fantasy like Underwood, she is just completely upfront about how much she wants this guy to be left emotionally distraught by this new relationship out of pure spite. Nothing represents the constant aggravation of 2020 finally releasing and expressing all of the fears and anger society has kept curled up until they were forced to isolate for the sake of common human respect and dignity, and the fact that people are adamant that they’ve had enough of oppression, inequality and the elite, than those squealing guitars in the second chorus and Barrett’s raspy delivery. This song is far from perfect – I’ve seen many argue it’s not good at all – but it feels necessary this year as an avenue for the public to vent their frustration. Now let’s do that with someone who isn’t a Trump supporter.

#9

“The Bigger Picture” – Lil Baby

Peak: #3

Yeah, speaking of songs being necessary, I admire Lil Baby, a person with a platform who people, especially the youth, will listen to, for making a protest song like this. Regardless of how many rappers express their grievances about racial inequality and societal issues, the person with the biggest and most impactful voice will always matter the most to me. The most important issue Baby gets at here is that racism isn’t new or simple. It’s complex. It’s deep-seated. It’s systematic. It exists in the very way people function under their governments and how people live their lives and do business. Even me mentioning business is a sign of how capitalism undermines the struggle for the economy. Lil Baby speaks from his own experience in Atlanta and gets to the heart of real Black struggle in the United States, with the inherent fear and defiance that many young Black men have of the police and authority, regardless of background or criminal record (oftentimes non-existent, unlawful or directly targeted). Sure, he dips his toe into some centrist ideas, which I’m not a fan of, but they aren’t rooted in this “why can’t we all get along?” crap often spouted by those who don’t want to see social upheaval affect the money flow. It’s not just rich old white dudes either, look at Lil Pump, Lil Wayne and Kanye West, and how buddied up they got with Trump for their own desperate financial security and outright refusal, in many ways hypocritical, to help the working-class and the disadvantaged. They’re only disadvantaged because of the elite. It should not be an inherent birth right to be impoverished, but that’s how we live, and I admire Baby for attempting to make a change over the melancholy pianos and trap skitters. Oh, and yeah, he’s flowing and spitting over this. He’s not boring and overly pretentious. He’s engaging. He makes you want and need to listen to him because he, like many Black people in America and oppressed minority groups worldwide, has got something to say. We’ve got to start somewhere. Black lives matter. Now for some honourable mentions.

Honourable Mentions

Let’s have a lighter tone, perhaps, for these next few entries, but first, let’s run through some honourable mentions, in no particular order other than where they are on the predicted Hot 100.

“Blinding Lights” – The Weeknd

This song has already been talked about to death, by about March, so I’d be doing a disservice to discuss it here.

“Don’t Start Now” – Dua Lipa

Same here. This is a weird list because whilst this would be in the top five if I had more to say about it, I don’t have much to say about it other than how it is a perfectly composed pop song. I want to discuss songs I actually care about on a level more than pure sonic enjoyment, so make of that what you will.

“ROCKSTAR” – DaBaby featuring Roddy Ricch

Roddy Ricch should be absolutely treasured while he’s still here.

“Life is Good” – Drake and then Future

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about pop music in 2020 it is that Future, when he’s on, is an absolute monster. Anyway, more honourable mentions soon, and let’s hop back onto the list proper.

#8

Screw it, it’s my list.

“All I Want for Christmas is You” – Mariah Carey

Peak: #1

At the start of this year in January, it felt like just another monotonous routine of a year that started exactly how it would end: with apathy about the world in ruins. This is true for most years but 2020 decided to spice it up a little with... you know... 2020, and all of its pandemics, riots and chaos. So, for just a short time, can I talk about a song that provides absolute joy to absolutely everyone? It peaked at #1 at Christmas in 2019, which was part of the 2020 chart year, and it’s on the predicted list, so it counts and it is an incredible song that reaches into the holiday festivities with manufactured cynicism, before plunging into that jolly bag of cash and producing the most organically happy Christmas song ever. The song is, by name, not even about Christmassy commercialism, and rejects it entirely, with how Carey croons beautifully about how she isn’t asking for gifts, snow or Santa Claus. It’s telling how a single about wanting personal connection every holiday season is the biggest Christmas song of all time instead of any of the other schlock that gets reissued and has a resurgence in this time of year. It helps that it is a gorgeous and intricately composed song with that mellow intro building up into the sleigh bells and pounding percussion carrying the wonderfully 90s strings. This is a timeless classic and I’m so glad it’s a Christmas standard, for what it stands for as well as it being just an amazing song that really only comes around every so often to be a bonafide smash hit everyone loves and appreciates... except maybe every retail worker since December 1994. Walmart is a cesspit anyway, I assume that bile can be chalked up to overplay and negative connotations, of which this song on its own in a vacuum, has absolutely none.

#7

“We Paid” – Lil Baby and 42 Dugg

Peak: #10

How do I even...? I mean... just listen to the song. It clicks. I’d love to leave it there but I am obliged to ramble so... I find this song impossible to explain. I mean, it’s just “We Paid” by Lil Baby and 42 Dugg, an absolute anomaly. It’s barely a song, with a chorus unrecognisable from its verses, two nasal and uninteresting vocalists, flows I’ve heard before and clearly rushed, awkward bass mastering and mixing overall... yet it’s so, so addictive. It’s all about that intro for me, where it starts with a whistle and off-beat, complete nonsense producer tags and pre-verse rambling from 42 Dugg, before the bass kicks in and it just hits so hard. I couldn’t care less about any single line after “’Fore I go broke like Joc”, and I don’t have to. Both Dugg and Baby have stiff flows but are full of character that is so, so necessary over this menacing trap beat that survives only off of the melody so incredibly low in the mix I can’t tell what it’s even trying to be. Oh, and, while we’re here...

“24” – Money Man, remixed by Lil Baby

Peak: #49

This is good for a lot of the same reasons, and wasn’t even a hit. I just wanted to highlight this song for many of the same reasons I really love “We Paid”. It’s a complete nobody rapping robotically over a trap beat that bumps but only because of the cadence and charisma of the two rappers here... which is kind of non-existent in both songs. It relies on the flows, and they’re just kind of monotonous after each of the iconic opening lines. It’s also telling that this chorus acknowledges two Black men who have since become iconic in their fields and died within a month of each other, those being Kobe Bryant and Pop Smoke, may they rest in peace. It’s pretty tragic, actually, and adds a sense of depth to the braggadocious triumph these deflated singles attempt to convey. I am bemused by these songs and whilst you can try to fully understand popular music to the point of deep analysis and Genius annotations, the best music has a sense of mystery and intrigue, at least to me, and something about the whistle in “We Paid” and the vocoded guitar line in “24” makes these two tracks incredibly replayable. Also, you know, Lil Baby’s verse on “24” might be the verse of the year.

Honourable Mentions #2

The sequel is never as good as the original. Regardless, here are some more honourable mentions.

“WHATS POPPIN” – Jack Harlow, remixed by DaBaby, Tory Lanez and Lil Wayne

This guy is a bad omen. “I’mma spend this holiday locked in” is an eerie prediction of this dour year. Also DaBaby is awesome when he tries.

“Roses” – SAINt JHN, remixed by Imanbek

The original song is dreadful, I have no idea how this Kazakh house DJ pulled this remix off but it is a massive improvement from about every possible angle you could think of.

“10,000 Hours” – Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber

That’s well over a year, like that’s 416.7 days. These guys are devoted... and honestly kind of scary.

“Ballin’” – Mustard featuring Roddy Ricch

Chorus of the year.

“Blueberry Faygo” – Lil Mosey

This song is awful, absolutely reprehensible, with no redeeming factors and a clear lack of effort put into anything in the song itself... but at least it’s optimistic. At least it sounds happy and like a true Song of the Summer, and, oh, my God, we needed that this year.

#6

“Lemonade” – Internet Money and Gunna featuring NAV and Don Toliver

Peak: #6

NAV is on my best list. NAV is on a year-end list. NAV has a #1 hit in the United Kingdom, Portugal and Greece. NAV, the Brown Boy himself, has one of the biggest hits of both 2020 and 2021, given that this isn’t caught between years, and I’m not complaining because this song is a riot. I did say that this list wasn’t based on pure sonic enjoyment but I’m going to throw that absolutely out the window for this one. If anything, “Blinding Lights” and “Don’t Start Now” aren’t on the list out of pure fatigue, because this song is just as incredible as it sounded on release, with that slick, watery acoustic guitar coating a light trap skitter and bouncy 808s. That’s a description I could use about most hip-hop this year, but “Lemonade” has this liquid-smooth quality to it and it is safe to say that NAV and Gunna fill up all of the space available in their container here, whatever that means. NAV, for once, co-opts a flow that sounds great from his whiny Canadian mumble, mostly because he takes Don Toliver’s flow from the chorus, and whilst he didn’t write this chorus, he absolutely sells it with his soulful crooning. This song is a hedonistic celebration of everything materialistic and meaningless, but it’s having fun doing it, and that is seldom seen in 2020’s trap efforts. Gunna’s flows here are playing with the beat in a way that is reminiscent of Young Thug but finally in a way that sounds uniquely interesting and fitting for Gunna, and not just straining his limited vocals out to testing out a flow that clearly doesn’t fit the guy, or settling for something a lot less engaging. Man, out of all people to be praising this year, I did not expect it to be Lil Baby, NAV and Gunna... back to back, several times. Let’s get back to people I did expect to be gushing about by the end of the year.

#5

“everything i wanted” – Billie Eilish

Peak: #8

Much like “The Bigger Picture”, this song made the list out of necessity, mostly in its lyrics. I would be absolutely selling this year short to not include one of the most thought-provoking young women in pop music on a list like this, and thankfully, she wrote a gorgeous song that I can discuss here. Firstly, the sound of this song is brilliantly subtle and intimate, with panning keys, light-weight clapping percussion and such little focus on everything surrounding Eilish’s soft, dead-pan cooing multi-tracked to add that extra depth and convincing delivery to the lyrical content, which we’ll discuss later. It’s not that this makes the song sound unfinished or lazy, or even uninteresting, because it has that degree of elevation that is necessary for a lyrically focused song like this, with the second verse starting off with just the muted 808s emphasising that intimacy that Eilish attempts to convey through the lyrics, which are mostly an ode to her and her brother’s especially close relationship. Eilish details her depression and even nightmares, relating to a lot of her music’s themes surrounding sleep paralysis and the very concept of dreaming. That first verse is heavy in content, and honestly distressing to even write about here, but it can be summarised in this: Eilish had a dream where she committed suicide by jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge, which is a common location for these types of deaths, adding that unnerving realism to the verse. The verse may be about betrayal but you could interpret it and much of her music as a response to the press and the media, which seems to flip on how they portray and criticise her, which has been increasingly obvious this year. That makes the idea of no-one, not even her fandom and those keeping the most attention and eyes on her, caring about her suicide even more damaging and raising the stakes to something that doesn’t feel like meaningless teenage angst or even just dropping off emotional baggage. The song is, in many ways, a love song to the only person she thinks would care: her brother, FINNEAS, with the chorus reciting his words of wisdom and reassurance to Eilish as she struggles with suicidal thoughts. The verses may be a specific and detailed level of insight into her psyche, but the chorus, with its wider scope and lesser detail, doesn’t come off as unrealised. Rather, it appears motivational, to both Eilish and the audience, but with the following verse and final leg of the chorus making it incredibly clear that words mean nothing without an action to follow it up or back up what has been said. Motivation doesn’t mean a quote on a wallpaper or Genius lyrics page. It’s about the willpower and the inspiration to change the way you think about yourself and make self-improvements to battle these demons, even when it seems impossible, and if it does seem impossible, there’s always your close support bubble that can reassure you and bring you back down to Earth when it all feels so unreal and that you can’t handle it.

     Ee-ooh.

#4

“The Box” – Roddy Ricch

Peak: #1

It’s tough to go into extreme depth about the personal impact a hit song has had on your mental health and what this means for the audience of said artist, and then completely dismiss it for another wacky Young Thug clone, but I did it before – in this very list twice already – and I’ll do it again, God damn it. “The Box” is pure chaos. It starts with this triumphant brass section that sounds dusty and classic, but then you immediately hear that damned “ee-ooh” sound, barely on beat and barely holding a note. It sounds like a poor falsetto imitation of a door creaking, and it is perfect. It’s just such an engaging hook, as if the actual hooks and choruses weren’t engaging and interesting enough. There’s so many intricacies to Roddy Ricch’s performance here and his array of flows are put on display excellently over this menacing beat with that reversed 808 that sets this apart from any other trap beat, especially with the eerie keys and especially with Roddy Ricch, who delivers possibly the best performance on this list second to my #1. The song starts with that mighty, iconic hook and even with that, Roddy rejects his flow before the measure is even up, outright refusing to continue and stalling with a muted “mm” sound. The lyrics aren’t cryptic by any means but it’s not like they’re all that simple, forming some kind of trap-rap word association all about “the box”, which could really mean anything at this point. He goes for a whiny elongated ending to each line in the second part of the chorus before switching sides to elongating the middle of the line in contrast to him spitting the last few words in rapid succession with a carefree cadence that’s almost inspiringly smooth. His verses are littered with charisma and hilarious ad-libs, and that’s before he goes into that falsetto for the second half of the first verse, with a simple but joyously stiff delivery, that makes his voice get closer to cracking with every syllable. Then we have the second verse, where the dude even laughs on beat and makes it sound great. The yelping in the second verse is endearing and amazing, with the way the beat cuts off for him to belt “BITCH, DON’T WEAR NO SHOES IN MY HOUSE!” at the top of his lungs like a misogynist toddler absolutely completing the song for me, and how the beat comes in afterwards is just perfect. It’s hard to explain this song without listening to it, again, but one listen of these flows and how he plays around with the beat like a kids’ toy is enough to understand truly why this song is one of the best of this year, and that Roddy Ricch is an absolute treasure.

I’m a 2020 presidential candidate / I done put a hundred bands on Zimmerman

This might be the best lyric on this list by the way. Speaking of ridiculous trap bangers with quotable lyrics and incredible flows...

#3

“Heartless” – The Weeknd

Peak: #1

How did both of these songs hit #1? Sure, they’re trendy, they’re catchy and they’re by popular artists, but there’s something about these songs that feels so chaotic and messy, yet so grounded in reality despite how loony these guys and their performances are, including the lyrics. For “The Box”, you have 30 Roc’s pounding trap beat to make sure Roddy doesn’t completely go off the walls, and for “Heartless”, well, the same is true, but replace 30 Roc for the absolute legend of modern hip-hop production that is Metro Boomin. The intro going into the first verse is one of the highlights of pop music this year. I love how it leads you in with the mystery of the coating of reverb-drenched synths, all of which sound oddly alien, before revealing the layer of the trap beat and furthering the mystery via The Weeknd’s whispering “sheesh” ad-libs. Then, when that first verse hits, all subtlety is dismissed as excessive and unnecessary, even with that first cocky opening line, but especially when the heavy 808 bass continues to crash multiple on each bar surrounded by air horns and Abel’s never-ending luxury porn. This song is an ode to self-aware, reckless and absolutely self-indulgent materialism, highlighting its effect on not only how Abel copes (most notably with the amphetamines making his “stummy” feel “sickly”) but also on who surrounds him, particularly his inability to settle down and find a partner, and how frustrated he is with this, which is especially true in the chorus, before he puts on the disguise once again for the verses, in which he spits a list of endless excessiveness in his bars carrying as much swagger as he usually does. This song in all its maximalist production is oddly minimal in how it presents the raw psyche of the character of the Weeknd and his drug-addled mindset that couldn’t care less about the effect he has on his friends, family, women, himself or even society, as long as he has a good time... but it’s increasingly clear that he knows the impact this life style has and he understand that it makes him “heartless”, but only because that’s what he decides is directly affecting him and of course, Abel has always made sure that the character of the Weeknd is as selfish and self-obsessive as possible. It helps that this isn’t a moaning and moody piece of self-indulgent boring trap slop. It isn’t conveying a message through music that can’t represent it, it’s effectively pulling off its narrative through the whole sonic package, and you know what helps even more? It’s fun, and it’s funny, and the revealing bridge where Abel looks back at his past relationships and how this life style is a response to the damage and pain inflicted on him by said relationships, comes as a genuine shock because just seconds earlier, the guy said this:

So much pussy, it be fallin’ out the pocket

What an incredibly thought-out song, and definitely one deserving of a couple GRAMMY Awards in whatever category those racist out-of-touch elitist executives decide to retroactively slot the Weeknd into when the backlash becomes too much. With that said, here are some more honourable mentions.

Honourable Mentions #3

Now in IMAX 3-D!

“Break My Heart” – Dua Lipa

INXS are fuming.

“Good as Hell” – Lizzo

This is beautifully composed and genuinely motivating, and Lizzo has so much charisma but in 2020, I do not feel “good as hell” enough to justify this being on the list. Hey, what can I say? Truth hurts.

“Truth Hurts” – Lizzo

That failed gag was about as on-the-nose as this song itself, but Lizzo totally embraces that.

“For the Night” – Pop Smoke featuring DaBaby and Lil Baby

“Wishing Well” – Juice WRLD

I’m not a fan of these songs in particular but it would be awful of me to not include these two artists on the lists, even if it’s tragic that it has to be posthumously. Both were gone way too soon, and way too close together for it to feel anything more than distressing and really depressing. Sure, they represent two completely different issues rappers face, but the fact that the two biggest hip-hop artists of 2020 are both gone and not able to see this immense success is just a tough, bitter pill to shallow. Rest in peace to both of these men and I hope out of respect for their legacy, and out of apathy for how the record labels milk both of these audiences, that I won’t need to talk about them in the years ahead.

#2

I have just discussed a lot of important songs with meaningful concepts, deep lyrics and insight, sonically innovative instrumentals and genuine emotional trauma as the background for their creation... but when I discuss my #2 as well as my #1, I need you to keep in mind this question: what is the purpose of pop music?

#2 – “RITMO (Bad Boys for Life)” – The Black Eyed Peas and J Balvin

Peak: #26

Popular music and especially the charts should always be taken with a grain of salt. Art doesn’t necessarily mean anything without meaning appropriated to it, and that meaning has a bunch of baggage that correlates to the lyrical meaning and contextual history behind whatever is being analysed and what is being criticised or praised. The Billboard Hot 100 is a glorified stat pad, as many have pointed out, and there are flaws in the system that don’t even make it a perfectly accurate set of data. This isn’t to undermine popular music and its impact. I’m not saying Elvis Presley and his ludicrous amount of weeks at #1 is to be scoffed at, or that Michael Jackson’s Thriller is an inconsequential piece of music that shouldn’t be remembered as fondly and as often as it is. These albums and artists had a genuine effect on culture, and the society that follows it, especially in the United States’ desperate attempts at gathering an “American” culture to cope with their extreme levels of regional, ethnic and economic diversity and disparity. Neither my #2 nor #1 pick reflect that at all. In fact, “RITMO” is a laughably bad song, but to call it a song implies there is art here, when in reality this is a pure product made for a soundtrack to a mildly successful Will Smith movie, made as a cash-grab by a fading producer-rapper and a tacked-on genuine mega-star who was offered millions of pesos to rap on this dated, lazy house-adjacent reggaeton beat. This isn’t just a product, it’s packaged and not with limited edition decoration, just typical, disposable plastic that’s harmful for the environment. I’m not doing a worst list this year because I want to celebrate what remnants of fun we had in 2020, and it’s telling that a lot of these songs are from 2019 or earlier in the year, and feel like separate landscapes even. Do you seriously remember “RITMO” in any capacity? Or even the movie that it was made for? It’s almost outstanding that a song that samples a band called Corona can be so oddly tone-deaf to the current situation, and not even one of the pandemic, but one of social progression and worldwide oppression that this song ignores to sell a product... but ignorance is bliss.

#1

It’s misleading to say that 2020 started off awful in March. That would just be blatantly untrue. Hell, the virus was discovered in Wuhan in December and made its way to Europe and the United States by the time late January rolled around, and even by then the US had killed important Iranian military secretary and one of their national heroes Qasem Soleimani ostensibly on grounds of “terrorism” for the sake of a power play and risking a potential world conflict. Diplomatic incidents don’t just happen, they have reasoning and they have a background. Not even in popular music do things just happen, they follow a trend or a burgeoning genre, and if they don’t, they are pioneers of a trend that follows to varying success. You can see this in 2019 producing the biggest hit of all time with “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X, which felt like a sudden insurgency of this random country-rap pop song by a complete nobody becoming suddenly one of the most important cultural milestones in the country’s history. It’s less of a sudden event and rather an exemplification of things that were happening over time, like the dominance of streaming, conglomerates manipulating what was believed to be organic digital and social media to benefit them and the elite, the increasing saturation of white men in the country genre that has yet to improve from his bro-country years, the racism that runs rancid in the South as Republicans steer closer to extremism and anyone who can challenge them decides to clear their way to the centre or is oppressed and ignored by the government that can continue silencing them. You may say that it’s not that deep but if you talk about popular music, you absolutely have to consider its wider impact. With all that said, sometimes it’s better to live in the moment.

“Hot” – Young Thug featuring Gunna

Peak: #11

Maybe it’s bizarre for me to dismiss everything I said about the cultural impact of popular music and its existence as a product for the big three record labels as well as a milestone for culture and the audience that consumes it, just so I can put my favourite hit song at the top of the list. I would completely agree with you, and I wasn’t planning really to put this song so high until it immediately clicked in a contrast with “RITMO”. “RITMO” isn’t self-aware of its existence as purely a product and nothing else, but it’s not like that fact is hidden from you when you listen to the track. It is pure ignorance of the wider world and pure ignorance of anything that is actually and genuinely important to people across the States and across the world, but not in a way that can move people and become important. Sure, the song is fun and catchy and actually a pretty damn great song, that is why it’s so high on this list, but it’s more to represent how heavily these songs juxtapose each other. “Hot” is in equal proportions a promotion of commercialism and materialism, much like “Heartless”, but without any of the emo-adjacent moaning about fame and without any of the self-awareness... which may seem like “Hot” misses the point but it absolutely does not. “Hot” is the absolute peak of the trap genre. It’s not conceptually important, but it is a song that means the most to me in this particular period and in this particular year. The song is an album cut from 2019 that is only big because of a Travis Scott remix and SpongeBob memes, so it sets itself up to be perfectly detached from 2020, even before you hear those triumphant horns from Wheezy and the trap percussion that bumps harder than anything else on this list or in Thug’s discography. That immediate release of energy coated in smoky, whispery ad-libs isn’t what makes this song important, though, it’s the subtle build-up of Gunna’s simple, direct but menacing flow that feels like he is directly talking to you and almost wagging his finger at you whilst doing so. It’s just Gunna appreciating and absorbing the peak of hedonism in a cohesive and monotone Auto-Tuned flow. Just like the years of the Trump administration and prior, it creates a routine and a pattern that despite how outrageous it may seem, gets you used to believing what is expressed and revealed, which is often completely petty and ridiculous nonsense, just like Gunna’s bars here. Then Young Thug comes in. The aura of mystery surrounding his reverb-drenched mumbling in the bridge intrigues you and pulls you in, taking you out of the Gunna-infused hypnosis and dragging you face-first into starstruck astonishment. The song finally releases in full-blown explosive trap-rap fashion with one simple meaningless phrase: “I took the Bentley coupe back then I hopped in a Cayenne”, followed by that energetic screeching ad-lib that book-ends nearly every bar here. Finally, there’s liberation. Sure, this is hyperbolic, and I’m not trying to make some insanely pro-Biden political statement here, but it feels significant to me that this is one of the biggest hits of one of the most historically essential years in recent history, even if it didn’t make much initial impact. Thugger switches from sing-songy melodies to repetitively imitating a machine-gun in a guttural yell, and it feels natural. It feels chaotic and that there is very little focus, but that’s because there is. He is completely ignorant of anything surrounding him and indulges in his own self-aggrandisement with rapid but smooth flows in his signature yelping delivery. The lyrics are frankly meaningless and irrelevant listing of luxury brands and cars, but that’s because Thugger couldn’t care less about the wider world or what surrounds him or even the impact he himself has on society or culture. It’s not like that means the song can only be appreciated in a vacuum because it creates that vacuum for itself, and by using that one manic Thugger verse – the best verse I heard in 2019 and one of the best verses to ever hit streaming services on pure energy and delivery alone – allows itself to release and indulge in the little things, the petty fantasies, those precious albeit unimportant elements of life that add up to form some kind of self-satisfaction and dare I say in 2020, happiness, and before you can even truly appreciate that...

Turn the whole top floor to a whorehouse / Hundred racks in ones, dude bought the flood out

...it’s taken away from you once again, and you have to scour your way through a fading trap beat without any of the additional touches that made it so great in Thugger’s verse, without the playful flutes, and most importantly, without the fun. You’re left there with what remains of Wheezy’s composition after it was ravaged by Thug and with only the same whispery, barely audible repetitions that started the song off, and you realise that whilst the release may feel great and liberating while it’s there, until you break the routine and bring about change, your happiness and your freedom is meaningless and any attempt to replicate that same feeling is futile. So to answer that question, the purpose of pop music is to reflect on how culture and society develops, evolves and adapts with what it’s faced with, but ultimately, to us as people and consumers, music serves as a fleeting moment of joy, self-expression and most importantly, a release of what has to be bottled up and silenced in the everyday routine of life, because of powers outside of our control. Farewell, 2020, and good fucking riddance.

Full Pink Supermoon 2020

HAIL THE ANCIENT FAMILY, HEAR US! It never ceases to amaze me how much we take life and everything in it for granted. What is happening to the world now really should not come as any surprise considering that you can only kick a dog so many times before it jumps up and bites you! In this case the dog is Mother Nature and the bite is in the form of a very serious illness that has forced the human population into the very same form of isolation they have been forcing several other species such as the coyote, bear and wolf into in the sense that the humans are no longer able to go wherever and do whatever they want to because there is a predator on the loose that they can’t see that is threatening their existence! Somehow I don’t think they like the idea of being herded and corralled too much, but what is the likeliness that they’ll transfer this disruption to their lives and attribute it to how they treat the animal kingdom or the ecosystem in general?

I find it interesting that with the resurgence of Paganism and Heathenism that this catastrophic event is occurring now! I mean one (of several) things that we Pagans/Heathens are known for is respecting and coexisting with nature. I’m not saying that we are alone in this HOWEVER this is something we HAVE in fact been SLAUGHTERED for and accused of evil practices and what have you when ALL we were doing was acknowledging the Spirits that exist in all living things including the Earth, Air, Water and Fire and utilizing their properties as Nature intended, in medicines, hunting and religious/spiritual rituals and work! Never taking more than what was needed and ALWAYS replacing what was picked and using every last part of what was taken from the hunt! These are the things that were seriously discouraged against under the severely misguided assumption that everything here is ONLY here for the human race to use, abuse, deplete and destroy yet they can’t fathom how we got to where we are and of course there’s always the scapegoat, the excuse, the one that everyone hangs their hat on so as to avoid having to take responsibility for their actions because of course it’s never their fault!

Unfortunately for them they are going to have to own up to their responsibilities in the latest disaster that is plaguing and I do mean that quite literally plaguing this planet because I believe it's man-made in fact I know it's man-made there is ample proof of this being man-made but that's neither here nor there, the fact of the matter is we need to retrace every step that we have taken that led up to what's currently happening and the fact of the matter is what's going on is born out of indifference, greed, distrust, selfishness and arrogance! What makes me say this? Think about it, why would you mess with a biologic that you know is destructive on such a grand scale that you need to wear hazmat suits yourselves to handle it in a laboratory? What is the point or purpose of having such a biologic in the first place if not to unleash it on the masses to do the irreparable harm that it has done? What other possible motive could you have to engineer something like that and the response really is that there is no other reason why you would create something like this except to do the damage that has done! I am hoping that I am wrong and that this whole fiasco was a terrible mistake but you will have to excuse me if I, with everything else the human race has done, am having a VERY hard time believing this was an accident!

We can sit here and we can spit nails, we can light it up, we can do whatever but the reality is we are where we are right now and regardless of who's responsible and yes those who are directly responsible DO need to be brought to justice and be held accountable for what they allowed to happen! In the meantime we need to put our egos in our pockets and leave them at the door, we need to step back and say look we can't change what happened 6 months ago but we can work on what's happening now so that it's not still happening 6 months from now and if the one of the best ways to staunch the spread of the virus is to socially isolate ourselves then that's what we're going to have to do, it may be frustrating, but it won’t last forever!

For those of you who are Spiritual you know that even if you are away from the rest of the world that we are NOT alone we will always have our ancestors by our side, we will always have our Gods at the helm, we will always have our higher spiritual selves guiding us because at the end of the day that's really all we have - obviously besides the Earth and all the physical things - I'm talking about metaphysical and in these kinds of situations people need to rely on their faith, it is what will get us through even the hardest times. Our Ancestors are proof positive of this fact, it was their beliefs that saw them through some of the most arduous times of human history!

During this time of quarantine it is absolutely imperative that people remember that there are places without walls that do still exist and you can travel to them even while isolated. Again if one is Spiritual you know the physical is not the only realm we operate in and therefore not the only plane we exist on, some people are highly proficient at this and other who are just starting out not so much but Astral Projection is very useful, not just in times like these but during times of personal and Spiritual introspection and just to take Spiritual journey without leaving where you are physically. For those who are not familiar, Astral Projection is the art of being physically in on spot, for example sitting in your bedroom while allowing your Spirit or Soul to transcend your physical being and the physical world and go flying around the Astral Plane.

In other words the metaphysical version of our selves and the realm that exists all around us enables us to take a trip to the woods, take a walk on the beach, do whatever we need to do to get out of our own heads without ever leaving the house! Now like I said those who are not as experienced with using this particular practice may find it a little difficult at first, don’t be discouraged! We all start somewhere and the easiest way to start this is through your basic meditations; deep breathing exercises and an environment conducive to calmness and clarity. Once you setup your workspace, mind you this can be done in Darkness OR Light, it depends on what the individual is more comfortable with, I personally prefer the Darkness but that's just me.

Once you are all set up, sit there and try to relax, again if you're not used to this it might take a few attempts to relax, it may not happen right away but practice makes perfect so just keep at it and you will get it in your own time! Once you are ready close your eyes, breathe deep in through the nose, out through the mouth. Do this for maybe five minutes or however long it takes you to get relaxed and then in your mind envision where it is you want to go, you can just walk around or you can pick a very specific location, for example I love the Ocean! In my Heart I'm always on the beach anytime I get overly stressed or if I'm feeling particularly feisty or melancholy I’m down on the shoreline because the Water is a catalyst, it's also very representative of my Spiritual being in that you may know what I'm dealing with anytime depending on what the Water is doing; for example if the Water is crashing against the Seawall and flying over across the street, chances are I'm a little ticked off or going through a rough time and feeling a wee bit…Energetic… not necessarily in a good way but not necessarily in a bad way; if the Water is calm then I am feeling more contemplative and most likely lost in thought.

I love being on the beach during a Full Moon, gazing at the Moon Trail leading out to the Moon Pool is very alluring, I can't tell you how many times I’ve fantasized about following that trail right up to the pool, obvious problem is the pool is kind of sort of in the middle of the ocean and yeah undertow and riptides are a thing that oftentimes are quite dangerous. This is an example of the Balance that exists everywhere in Nature and why we need to keep alert ESPECIALLY when wandering around the Astral Plane. My point is that by allowing your Spirit to wander by allowing your Heart and your Mind to take flight you're not only alleviating the stress and the strain that you're under, you're also seeing the world through completely different eyes! You are seeing the world the way it was meant to be seen, through the Spiritual and maybe just maybe you'll see it is not necessarily a cage to be trapped, but a MULTIFACETED playground of sorts that adjoins all energy on every level of the Multiverse!

If you're from an inner-city and you're not able to get to a Forest or to the Ocean, it's very difficult it can be very Spiritually draining, but at the same time you have an environment that other people don't deal with and it is important that you stay in tune with it so that when you meet other people from around the world you can explain (not that you owe anyone an explanation) why you're not as able to relax as easily as they are being from a place that may be less volatile. One of the most consistent things that I get told when I talk to people about meditation is that they have a very hard time turning it off, meaning the voices in their head - no I'm not (necessarily) talking about schizophrenia, but generally loud and persistent thoughts. You know when you're going through a very stressful time and replaying the situation or situations depending on what's going on over and over and over again it can be very hard to turn it off.

A great example of this is where a person is located; when you live in a city, especially one that's prone to violence and I don't mean like every other day somebody might get pushed, I'm talking about everyday somebody's getting shot or stabbed or some other horrific thing, chances are you're not likely to be able to relax right away, it depends on the person but you're not as likely to be able to meditate easily because obviously you're concerned about your own safety and that of your family. Unfortunately even here in Boston there have been people who were sitting in their own living rooms minding their own business who have gotten shot and that's inconceivable , I can't even use the word unfortunate it's actually very distressing that you can't even sit in your own home alone and not have to worry about whether or not a bullet is going to come flying through the wall at you! I remember a story a few years ago that there was a three-year-old up on I think it was a third-floor balcony and she ended up getting shot in the spine, it rendered her a paraplegic, however, this Wee Ones Spirit was and is such that she is STILL pushing onward!

It's this kind of craziness that the human race has allowed itself to devolve to that is undermining our ability to move forward as a whole! Our slick, fast-paced, instant gratification culture dictates that we need it RIGHT NOW or all interest is lost in it, there is no patience or tenacity anymore. What is worse is not only do people want instant gratification about everything but they don't care about what happens after they're gone! Now I've touched base on this before and while I can't remember who actually said it, this person states that “the entire purpose of life is to create something that will outlast us” I agree with this wholeheartedly and right now what's going on is a perfect opportunity to do just that because right now we need to remember that we are NOT the only ones living on the Earth, we are NOT the only ones who rely on the ecosystem to live! EVERYTHING here relies on the ecosystem to thrive and everything here needs everything else to exist! We are all connected in the Web of Existence and Life, no one part anywhere can exist on its own, it doesn't matter if you're a bear or squirrel or badger or water lily or deer or whatever it doesn't matter if you are 4 million year old fossil in the in the North Sea somewhere!

It doesn't matter because EVERYTHING is connected and if any one part of that Web falls out of place or collapses or in any way shape or form becomes compromised, everything else suffers and you know how I can prove it? LOOK AT THE WORLD AS IT IS AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW cuz everything that is happening right now is a perfect example of exactly what I'm talking about our environment has been severely compromised on all levels and who's responsible for it??? I’ll give you a hint; it isn't the coyote who lost his habitat because developers decided he wasn't important enough to allow him to have a home, it wasn't the bear in the same situation who was just minding his own damn business eating a fish and just some self important human decided to shoot it, not because it was doing anything, but because it was THERE! It wasn't the cheetah on the savanna and it sure as hell wasn't the polar bear who is currently STARVING TO DEATH because of human greed! It wasn't any of them, they weren’t harming any human, only engaging in what Nature ingrained into them to do, what they have been doing forever without any issues among them! So who's to blame? Yes exactly, the humans who decided that they were above the Natural Order!

The humans are to blame for the wanton destruction and extinction of multiple species both animal and botanical. Now again we can sit here and we can pipsquawk about it, we can raise the roof on it, but that alone is not going to change anything. What needs to happen is we need actions to accompany our words, so addressing the issues is a good start but formulating ideas as to how to go about improving the situation also needs to happen or we are no better off than we were before! I believe this is happening at the very time that Paganism and Heathenism are resurging - mind you I'm not saying resurfacing because that indicates that it went away and disappeared, oh no oh no no no no no, we've been here the whole time watching and waiting, we never went anywhere - just because we were underground doesn't mean that we disappeared no matter how much some people would like to think!

I believe that this is a giant wake up call to everybody and it does not surprise me in the least at all that this is occurring at the time that Paganism and Heathen is resurging as we are the ones who always had a deep respect for Nature and again it's not just us, other cultures all over the world existed and coexisted within the parameters of the Natural World I mean you could call them Heathens as we since the word really only means anybody who doesn't believe in the Abrahamic doctrines which is pretty much anyone. My point is that those who have always respected Nature, those who have always existed within the parameters, those who have always coexisted with the Natural World, that we are making that resurgence and every day I see more and more people wanting to cast off the shackles of Abraham because they are fed up with the hypocrisy, greed, hate and oppression, they are looking to come HOME where they are welcomed as they are and not shamed or beaten into submission over someone else’s self serving agenda!

A few years ago couple years ago in North Dakota when the #NODAPL protests were occurring people from ALL OVER THE WORLD descended upon the Standing Rock Reservation to stand in solidarity with the Sioux. These are people who have NEVER met, had no personal agenda except protecting the Water and Earth, yet they came from EVERYWHERE to let it be known where they stand! There is a Hopi prophecy that says and I'm paraphrasing cuz I can't remember exactly how it is worded but it says that “When the world is in jeopardy and everything is really really bad, that the people will come together from everywhere, united as one and they will be called the Rainbow Warriors” and that is exactly what I'm talking about right now because the Indigenous peoples are very very in tune with Nature and they too could also be considered Heathens, in fact they were called SAVAGES, because they didn't do things the way that the pilgrims did them and like us refused to convert and as a result were slaughtered by the hundreds of thousands!

I agree with the Rainbow Tribe prophecy and again it does not surprise me especially after what's been happening since 2016 (and that's very recent yet most certainly not the only example) that the resurgence of Paganism and Heathenism among other Nature based Paths is occurring at the very same time that this is because again I think it's a wake-up call! I think people need to pay attention and realize that we cannot continue to abuse Mother Earth, we cannot continue to abuse the Waters, we cannot continue to abuse the Air or the Fire or the Spirit and NOT expect at some point for it all to turn around and bite us right in the ass! That's exactly what it's going to do and that's what it's doing right now and our only option (in my opinion) is we need to take a step back and realize what is important and what's important is not money it is NOT material wealth nor is it about acquiring all the toys before you die; what's important is LIFE across the board!

If we do not take care of what is happening now anybody who has kids, anybody who has or wants grandkids or has nieces and/or nephews should be aware that it’s YOUR CHILDREN who are going to suffer - and I'm not even going to say from your mistakes as that indicates something occurring accidentally - they're going to suffer from your DELIBERATE AND CALCULATED misdeeds and for those of you who don't have kids who have this “well I'm not going to be here x amount of years from now so I really don't care” you know what? That's the SAME attitude that people who came before you had and look where YOU are! Is that the reason why you feel the way you do? You're so bitter over what they’ve done to you and the things that might have been taken away from you and just destroyed before you had a chance to enjoy them that you don't care if anyone else ends up in that situation?

If so you really need to reevaluate your priorities and get a handle on your ego, realize that you have the power to make the change for somebody else that should have been made for you a long time ago and if you're actively deciding to NOT do that then you are directly contributing to the problem which means you're directly contributing to all those people - NOT just the human people - who are suffering and in many cases are dying not just from covid-19, not just from influenza or the poison pills that Big Pharma churns out regularly to combat a laundry list of imaginary afflictions, not just from pollution, but from lack of give a damn! There are so many out there who need a little help and it doesn't take a whole lot to lend someone a helping hand, you don’t even have to tell them it was you who did it if you are more inclined to do so anonymously.

For example there are commercials that are run on TV for Shriners Hospital that have the kids who are being assisted expressing their gratitude that people care enough to enable them to be kids! While these kids are all amazing and accomplishing great things, it is the ones that are donating to the hospital that are enabling these kids to have a normal life and that's what I'm talking about, a little give a damn goes a long way! When we come together any little thing that we do will help in creating a bigger and better picture for all concerned! We can overcome any problem but we really have to stop thinking about ourselves and lose this me me me me I want I want I want attitude because it’s not helping anyone including ourselves!

We can't live in a self-righteous vacuum like that anymore, we cannot put the ecosystem on the backburner anymore because we are engineering our own destruction when we continue to do this and the evidence is all around us! If we keep traveling down this road we will end up in a sense committing mass suicide and the human race will NOT be the only one to be erased as a result of our arrogance! Our irresponsibility has gotten us to the point where we no longer have the option to put off acknowledging just how much trouble the world is in, we no longer have the luxury to put it aside and not pay attention to it because the ecosystem is just a ‘thing’, it is a thing all right, it is the LIVING and DYING thing that is going to do whatever it needs to do to ensure its own survival with or WITHOUT us!

When you have entire countries going on lockdown forbidding people to travel, in or out, that is a sign of the times and it's not a good one! My Danish friend told me that Denmark is completely locked down and will be so until at least August canceling any and all summertime activities which obviously the people, the kids especially, are not happy about but at the same time I'm sure they would rather live to see next year’s festivities than tempt fate this year and not be around to enjoy next year, so even though it is going to be very difficult I am sure that next year’s events will be that much more rambunctious as a result! It is going to be an extremely trying time but so long as we stand together, so long as we have each other's backs, so long as we take care and give a damn about our neighbors, we WILL get through this, but it's not just about getting through this, it's about what we're going to do AFTER we get through this, how are we going to handle ourselves AFTER we get through this, how are we going to view the world AFTER we get through this, how are we going to treat the environment AFTER we get through this, how are we going to look at our financial situation AFTER we get through this? Why do I bring up finances? Because again one of the MAIN factors that got us to where we are is the never-ending pursuit of the almighty dollar by any means necessary, no matter who it hurts or what kind of devastation it leaves in its wake!

We all know that money is an illusion, it’s really just a form of invisible slavery keeping people on the hook of a faceless entity! It is invisible meaning that you don't actually see your money when it's in the bank but because you have an account you also have a collar around your neck and this is what the world tells you is your personal worth! This is one of several reasons why I believe the human race has lost its way, because the human race has has equated material possessions and money as being a paramount to EVERYTHING else including Life across the board! Many people have this attitude that if you have enough money then you can do whatever you want to, you can burn down the rainforest, you can cut down the woods and develop on the land then kill any animal that has the nerve to be taking a walk through what used to be its home, you can dump all your toxic waste into the rivers and the watershed, you can allow toxins from various industries to pollute the air causing acid rain, you can kill all the animals you want and just toss out the carcass, you can slaughter those wolves and kill that 10-point buck just to have a head for your wall! Hell you can even rape and kill other humans and get away with it so long as you write a big enough check to whoever’s reelection!

If you have the money you're special and you can get away with anything - well we're seeing the result of that right now and the result is you are NOT special, you will NOT get away with anything, you are NOT exempt from anything that you have done and will do! You WILL be held accountable for it all, if not by the human population, then by the Divine, by the Nature Spirits who are always watching over everything! We need to remember who we are we are –we are Water Protectors, we are Earth Guardians, we are here to maintain the Natural Order, we are here to take care of the planet for all current and future generations of Life across the board! Mother Nature really doesn't need for us to do a whole lot of anything as far as taking care of things is concerned; she has been taking care of business for TRILLIONS of millennia and will continue to do so long after we are gone!

What she needs for us to do is STOP taking for granted that things will always be there when we need them as they won’t be if we continue to use up and deplete our natural resources, she needs us to STOP destroying everything because we think we are above it all, what she needs for us to do is make sure that everything is running smoothly so that everything here can stay here! I mean yes we are also here to work the land and to take care of it ourselves and everything else but what we're not here to do is take advantage or to be abusive, to treat everything as though it is beneath us because nothing is beneath us, if anything we are at the mercy of Nature and how well we care for the ecosystem directly determines how well it will take care of us! Remember -the Earth does NOT need us, we need the Earth! We all exist together, we are not above or below anything else, we all exist in the same Circle!

Now with everything that's happening this is the time to take that step back, to take stock of your Life to see what it is that you've been doing up to this point, what it is that you could be doing at this point, what it is you will do tomorrow to help not only yourself but your fellow man as well as the environment! While this is a sermon I am not trying to be overly preachy or anything like that because I know everybody is stressed out, everybody is nearing the ends of their tethers. There's a lot of malaise running rampant and unfortunately this isn't the only thing that's going on for some people. There have been deaths in the family for some people, there have been losses of jobs and income which is obviously not helping the stress levels go down and there are other things that are happening in addition to this virus and the social isolation it made necessary. So yes it is a very trying time but we are a very resilient people, we are a very strong and tough species, we know that we are because if we weren't we wouldn't have survived all these years all these millennia given everything our Ancestors had to work through!

However, sometimes that kind of strength and that kind of stubbornness allows your ego to become a little inflamed and you end up doing what the human race has been doing that brought us to where we are today. While we can't do anything about the past, what we can do is learn from it so that it doesn’t happen again! This is why history is very VERY important as those who forget history as well as those who never knew history and refuse to learn about it, are the enablers! They are the ones that will enable the tragedies and hardships of the past to reoccur! Ignorance is not bliss and we no longer have the luxury of claiming that we didn’t and don’t know just how bad off we are, but again we DO have the power to change course to bring everything back. We can still come back Full Circle and resume showing our Mother Nature the respect and appreciation she damn well deserves because she is the one that provides all of us with everything regardless of what Path we walk, she only cares that WE care!

Without our Mother Nature to provide everything from the Air we breathe, to the Fire that warms us, the Earth we are comprised of, the Water that is Life (MNI WICONI), without her we are NOTHING, we do NOT exist and now is the time to step up and remember this, it's not too late! Yes things are bad, things are VERY bad but it is not too late to change ourselves and in turn change our circumstances! We can, instead of just stewing at home, take this time to contemplate; I mean really, REALLY take into consideration what we want out of Life and how we're going to go about achieving it! Not only that what can we do to improve the situation generally speaking, not just for our neighbors, but for the Earth!

We can clean up the mess we made and even though chances are we're not going to clean up the entire mess in our lifetime, we no longer have any excuses left as to why we can’t at least get the boulder rolling! This is the reason why we utilize what time we do have to create something that will in fact outlast us because if we start now then we can pass on these new values that are directly connected to the Old Ways and eventually one of the future generations will bring it back Full Circle and hopefully at that time a fully replenished Earth and Natural coexistence will once again reign supreme and every species from the Human Race to the Animal Kingdom to the Flora and the Fauna will continue to uphold each other just like we used to before the fevered egos took over!

I still have hope that this is possible and I know I'm not alone on this so we all need to remember that no matter how alone we might feel right now that we are one even though we are many and we stand strongest when we stand together no matter where we are no matter what's going on when it comes to matters of the Heart and Mind distance does not exist, we are all connected through the Spirit!

Those of you who are familiar with my writing know that I like to end my sermons with a personal poem/prayer/song whatever you’d like to call it or with a song that exemplifies everything written in the sermon. This time I am including Heilung’s “Galgadr” because it speaks directly to everything I talked about and being that the song is about Ragnarock, makes it the perfect song for not only this sermon, but to explain WHY the colossal upheaval that is currently underway is absolutely necessary!

This excerpt started life as a stream of thought but since it falls in direct correlation to the sermon, I decided to include it in its entirety!

We WILL get through this so long as we work together and do what we need to do to create a stopping point where this virus finds itself at the end of its own road with nowhere left to go!

Keep the faith! So long as we keep our minds on the present and our focus on the future, there are brighter days ahead! Look no further for proof of this than how much healing the ecosystem has undergone in the couple of months that the virus has forced the humans to be quarantined in their own homes!

It may seem like a harsh observation, HOWEVER, had the human race's consistent assault on the ecosystem not been what it was (and still is) for all this time then perhaps the extreme response from Nature wouldn't have been warranted!

It is time we got past our own fevered egos and came together as the Sisters and Brothers that we're supposed to be, to work towards a mutual resolution that benefits not only the human race but continues to further the healing of our Great Mother Earth!

While we know it is human nature to be social, we also know it's human nature to be competitive. That being said this is not the Hunger Games or Game of Thrones or any other Hollywood inspired garbage, this is REAL LIFE with consequences you take to the grave!

So don't be stupid and don't be arrogant, don't think that because you're asymptomatic that you're not infected and/or can't infect other people! If your local government tells you to stay at home for a period of time then do so!

Remember this is not just about you but about everybody you know! I'm not usually one to obey anything any government says but when it comes to something like this precautions are necessary!

We know that there will be resistors regardless of how much information is put out there so instead of enabling them, let us take care of ourselves and our beloved ones!

"Brothers shall fight

and fell each other,

And sisters' sons

shall kinship stain;

Hard is it on earth,

with mighty whoredom;

Axe-time, sword-time,

shields are sundered,

Wind-time, wolf-time,

ere the world falls;

Nor ever shall men

each other spare.

axe-time,

sword-time,

wind-time,

wolf-time.

I incant against the spirit;

against the walking (spirit),

against the riding one,

against the running one,

against the sitting one,

against the signing one,

against the travelling one,

against the flying one,

It shall completely wither and die.

Now do I see

the earth anew

Rise all green

from the waves again;

The cataracts fall,

and the eagle flies,

And fish he catches

beneath the cliffs.

-Heilung ("Galgaldr")

The point of quoting this song is because it is the perfect description of what is happening right now. It's perfect because what it's describing is in fact the end of the world which is not what people think it is; it is not creation ceasing to exist. What it really is is the destruction of everything that no longer works so that the creation can go on existing and thrive once again!

We know that death is not just a physical thing we have discussed this before, it is Spiritual and Metaphysical as well! We've also discussed that there is no creation without destruction, no life without death! These two things while they may seem like polar opposites are actually what keeps everything in Balance!

The only way for the new world to arise as for the previous world to die off. It may sound harsh but unfortunately in order for the Phenex to rise from the fire it has to burn itself to death first! What emerges from this seeming act of self-destruction is in all reality a more vital and vibrant world!

We are going through such a transition right now and as scary as it is at times, we will get through if we work together AND we will come out stronger and better for it!

ZI ANA KANPA!

(HAIL THE PRIEST OF THE SKY!)

ZI KIA KANPA!

(HAIL THE PRIEST OF THE EARTH!)

MAY THE DEAD RISE AND SMELL THE INCENSE!

(THE WARRIORS WHO WILL RISE UP TO FIGHT THE FINAL BATTLE!)

NEVER Back Up! NEVER Back Down!

NEVER Give Up! NEVER Give In!

HAIL CERRENOUS!

HAIL MORGANA !

HAIL DIANA!

HAIL LUGH!

AVÉ IGGIGI!

AVÉ ANUNNA!

AVÉ DRACHE!

HAIL THE GREAT SERPENT!

RESPECT TO TYR!

RESPECT TO ODINN!

RESPECT TO FRIGGA!

RESPECT TO NJÖRD!

RESPECT TO RAN!

RESPECT TO AEGIR!

RESPECT TO THE NINE SISTERS!

RESPECT TO ALL AQUATIC SPIRITS!

RESPECT TO FREYA!

RESPECT TO FREYR!

RESPECT TO ÞOR!

RESPECT TO BALDUR!

RESPECT TO EIR!

RESPECT TO HEL!

We are ONE even though we are MANY and we stand STRONGEST when we stand TOGETHER!

HAIL THE ANCIENT FAMILY!

🐍🌎🌬🛶💖🌿🦌🐺🐲💧🔥🐉

HPS Meg “Nemesis Nexus” Prentiss

New Post has been published on https://magzoso.com/tech/technologists-are-creating-artificial-intelligence-to-help-us-tap-into-our-humanity-heres-how-and-why/

Technologists Are Creating Artificial Intelligence to Help Us Tap Into Our Humanity. Here's How (and Why).

New AI tools like Cogito aim to remind us how to be ‘human,’ issuing reminders and alerts for empathy and compassion.

December 31, 2019 15+ min read

When being empathetic is your full-time job, burning out is only human. 

Few people are more aware of this than customer service representatives, who are tasked with approaching each conversation with energy and compassion — whether it’s their first call of the day or their 60th. It’s their job to make even the most difficult customer feel understood and respected while still providing them accurate information. Oftentimes that’s a tall order, resulting in frustration on both ends of the call. 

But over the last few years, an unlikely aide has come forward: artificial intelligence tools designed to help people tap into and maintain “human” characteristics like empathy and compassion. 

One of these tools is a platform called Cogito, named for the famous Descartes philosophy Cogito, ergo sum (“I think, therefore I am”). It’s an AI platform that monitors sales and service calls for large corporations (among them, MetLife and Humana) and offers employees real-time feedback on customer interactions. 

During a call, an employee may see Cogito pop-up alerts on their screen encouraging them to display more empathy, increase their vocal energy, speak more slowly or respond more quickly. Interactions are scored and tracked on internal company dashboards, and managers can gauge, instantly, what different members of their team may need to work on. 

As a call center representative in MetLife’s disability insurance department, Conor Sprouls uses Cogito constantly. On a typical day, he takes anywhere from 30 to 50 calls. Each one lasts between five and 45 minutes, depending on the complexity of the issue. 

Sprouls’s first caller on the morning of Sept. 12, 2019, was someone with an anxiety disorder, and Cogito pinged Sprouls once with a reminder to be empathetic and a few times for being slow to respond (not uncommon when looking for documentation on someone’s claim, explains Sprouls).

When Cogito first rolled out, some employees were concerned about constant supervisor oversight and notification overload. They were getting pinged too often about the empathy cue, for example, and at one point, the tool thought a representative and a customer were talking over each other when they were in fact sharing a laugh. But Sprouls says that the system gets more intuitive with every call. As for over-supervision, call center conversations are always recorded and sent to supervisors, so it’s not much of a change. 

In fact, Cogito may even offer a more realistic reflection of performance, says Sprouls. “A supervisor can’t be expected to listen to every single call for each of their associates, so sometimes when we’re just choosing calls at random, it could be luck of the draw — one associate could be monitored on an easy call, and another could be monitored on a hard one,” he says. “Cogito is going to give you the end result: who needs to work on what. I think the way a lot of us really look at Cogito is as a personal job coach.” 

MetLife has been using Cogito for about two years, though it was first introduced in a pilot capacity. 

Emily Baker, a MetLife supervisor with a team of about 17, says that her associates all benefited from Cogito’s cues during the pilot process. She says one associate’s favorite was the energy cue; he’d start slouching in his seat at the end of the day, and the posture meant he didn’t project his voice as much. When the energy cue appeared (a coffee cup icon), he sat up straight and spoke more energetically so that he appeared more engaged in the call.

“I like the fact that I can see overall, on my particular supervisor dashboard, how we’re doing as a team, if there are any trends,” Baker says. “Is everybody speaking over the caller? Is everybody having trouble with dead air? You can drill down into each person, and it’s really good for coaching one-on-one.” 

Now, MetLife is in the process of rolling out Cogito across even more of its customer-facing departments — claims, direct sales, customer growth. The company also plans to more than double the number of employees using the platform (from 1,200 to over 3,000). 

“It’s a little bit of a strange dynamic,” says Kristine Poznanski, head of global customer solutions at MetLife. “We’re using technology and artificial intelligence to help our associates demonstrate more human behavior. It’s something you don’t intuitively think about.” 

A growing trend 

At his consulting job in the New Zealand Department of Child and Family, Josh Feast, co-founder and CEO of Cogito, says he learned that social workers could experience burnout in as few as three to five years. He was shocked by the irony — that a profession designed to care for people wasn’t conducive to caring for the people in that profession. 

An idea began to form, and it took further shape after a course at MIT’s Media Lab, during which Feast had a key revelation: Big organizations understand data well, so if he wanted to help people inside a large organization, he needed to present his idea in a language the corporate team could understand. “It was almost like being hit by a lightning strike,” he says. 

And so Cogito was born. In the R&D phase, Feast and his co-founder worked for DARPA, the U.S. government’s Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. The agency had in mind soldiers struggling with PTSD, and DARPA provided the Cogito team with funding to research aid for psychological distress. So Feast began studying how nurses interacted with patients. 

“There was a real ‘aha’ moment where we discovered that if you could use that technology to understand the conversation — and to measure the conversational dance between nurse and patient — you could start getting a read of the degree of empathy and compassion they displayed … and the resulting attitude the patient had to that interaction,” says Feast. 

He built dashboards to display measures of compassion and empathy, and he found something noteworthy: When people were given real-time feedback while speaking with someone, levels of compassion and empathy during the conversation improved. That realization was the key to Cogito’s future. 

But Cogito isn’t the only AI-powered tool aiming to help us tap into our humanity. 

Butterfly

There’s Butterfly, an AI tool that aims to help managers empathize with their employees and increase workplace happiness. After Butterfly is embedded into a workplace messaging system, it functions as a chatbot — executive-coaching managers in real-time based on employee surveys and feedback. Butterfly analyzes the latter to measure levels of stress, collaboration, conflict, purpose, creativity and the like. Then, it provides managers with calls to action and reading materials to help them deal with problems on their team. For example, an executive with a highly-stressed team might receive an article on how to create a more compassionate work environment. 

“In a nutshell, Butterfly was created in order to help managers to be on point when it comes to their… team’s level of engagement and overall happiness,” says co-founder and CEO David Mendlewicz. “Think about an AI-driven happiness assistant or AI-driven leadership coach.” 

Supportiv

Another AI-powered empathy tool is Supportiv, a peer counseling platform aiming to use natural language processing to take on daily mental health struggles such as work stress, anxiety, loneliness and conflicts with loved ones. Seconds after a user answers Supportiv’s primary question — “What’s your struggle?” — they’re sorted into an anonymous, topic-specific peer support group. 

Each group has a trained live moderator (who is also equipped to refer specialized or emergency services as needed), and an AI algorithm scans conversations to detect mood, tone, engagement and interaction patterns. On the moderator’s side, prompts pop up — user X hasn’t contributed to the conversation in a while, or user Y shared a thought above that hasn’t been addressed. Co-founder Helena Plater-Zyberk’s vision for Supportiv’s next iteration: additional AI advances that could help identify isolated users in chats and alert moderators with suggestions on how to be more empathetic towards those individuals. 

The aim, says Plater-Zyberk, is to create “superhuman moderators” — using compassion, empathy and hyper-alertness to facilitate a group chat better than any normally-equipped human. 

IBM’s Project Debater

Finally, when it comes to the theory “I think, therefore I am,” IBM’s Project Debater fits the bill. Introduced by the tech giant in January, it’s billed as the first AI system that can debate complex ideas with humans. At its core, Debater is about rational thinking and empathy — considering opposing points of view and understanding an opponent enough to be able to address their argument piece-by-piece and ultimately win them over. 

Dr. Aya Soffer, vice president of AI tech at IBM Research, envisions a variety of real-world applications for Debater — a policymaker who wants to understand the range of implications for a law they’re considering. For example, in the case of banning phones from schools (a law the French government passed in 2018), what are the precedents, the pros and cons, the arguments on both sides of the equation? A financial analyst or investment advisor might use Debater to make smart projections about what a new type of technology may or may not mean for the market. 

We typically look for supporting arguments in order to convince ourselves, or someone else, of something. But Soffer says that taking counterarguments into account could be even more powerful, whether to change a mind or strengthen a pre-existing view. That kind of empathy and higher-level logical thinking is something IBM Debater aims to help with.

Pitfalls and privacy 

As is the case with all new technology, this type has some concerning use cases. 

First, there’s the potential for system bias in the data used to train the algorithm. For example, if it’s taught using cases of predominantly white men expressing empathy, that could yield a system that charts lower output for women and minorities. A call center representative with a medical condition might display less energy than the perceived norm but does their best to make up for it in other ways. 

That’s why it’s a good idea for individuals to be provided this data before it’s shared with their supervisors, says Rosalind Picard, founder and director of the Affective Computing Research Group at the MIT Media Lab. She believes it’s a breach of ethics to share data on an employee’s interactions, such as levels of compassion, empathy and energy, with a manager first. 

And then there’s the temptation for this type of technology to go beyond its intended use case — a helpful reminder to facilitate a genuine connection — and instead serve as a driver for insincere interactions fueled by fear. After all, similar tech tools are part of the foundation of social ratings systems (think Black Mirror‘s “Nosedive” episode). In 2020, China plans to debut publicly available social credit scores for every citizen. That score will help determine an individual’s eligibility for an apartment, which travel deals they’re offered, which schools they may enroll their children in and even whether they can see a hospital doctor without lining up to pay first. 

Within the next five years, experts predict we’ll make great strides in “sentiment analysis” — a type of natural language processing that identifies human emotions by analyzing facial expressions and body language or text responses. 

But for Noah Goodman, associate professor at Stanford University’s Computation and Cognition Lab, there’s a moral dilemma involved: What’s the right thing to do with the information these systems learn? Should they have goals — prompt us, adjust our environments or send us tools to make us feel happier, more compassionate, more empathetic? What should the technology do with data on our feelings towards someone else, our performance in any given interaction? And who should it make that information available to? “This is a place where the creepiness boundary is always close,” says Goodman.  

Another problem? AI simply can’t replicate, or fully comprehend, human emotion. Take Cogito, for example. Let’s say you’re a customer service representative on the phone with customers all day, and you receive an alert that you’re sounding low-energy and tired instead of high-energy and alert. That doesn’t mean you’re actually feeling tired, says Picard, and that’s an important distinction to make. 

“It doesn’t know how I feel,” says Picard. “It has no consciousness — it’s simply saying that to this system listening to your vocal quality, compared to your usual vocal quality and compared to other people on the phone at this company’s vocal quality, here is how you might sound, according to the data we’ve collected… It’s not to say you are that way.” 

There’s a misunderstanding that we’re already at the point where AI effectively understands human feelings, rather than just being able to analyze data and recognize patterns related to them. The phrase “artificial intelligence” itself may propagate that misunderstanding, says Picard, so to avoid fueling public fear about the future of AI, she recommends calling it software instead. 

“As soon as we call the software ‘AI,’ a lot of people think it’s doing more than it is,” she says. “When we say the machine ‘learns’ and that it’s ‘learned something’ what we mean is that we’ve trained a big chunk of mathematics to take a bunch of inputs and make a mathematical function that produces a set of outputs with them. It doesn’t ‘learn’ or ‘know’ or ‘feel’ or ‘think’ anything like any of us do. It’s not alive.” 

Implications and regulations

Some experts believe there will come a day when technology will be able to understand and replicate “uniquely human” characteristics. The idea falls under the “computational theory of the mind” — that the brain is a dedicated tool for processing information, and even complex emotions like compassion and empathy can be charted as data. But even if that’s true, there’s a difference between experiencing emotion and understanding it — and in Goodman’s view, it’ll one day be entirely possible to build AI systems that have a good understanding of people’s emotions without actually experiencing emotions themselves. 

There’s also the idea that throughout the course of history, fear has often accompanied the release of new technology. “We’re always afraid of something new coming out, specifically if it has a large technological component,” says Mendlewicz. “Exactly the same fear rose up when the first telegraph came… and when the telegraph was replaced by the phone, people were also expressing fear… about [it] making us less human — having to communicate to a machine.” 

One of the most important questions to ask: How do we avoid this being used to alienate people or to create more distance between human beings? 

One prime example is social media platforms, which were introduced to augment human connectivity but paradoxically ended up as tools of polarization. “What we’ve learned from that is that human connectivity and the humanity of technology should not be assumed; it needs to be cultivated,” says Rumman Chowdhury, who leads Accenture’s Responsible AI initiative. “Instead of figuring out how we fit around technology, we need to figure out how technology fits around us.” 

That also means watching out for red flags, including the tech “solutionism” fallacy — the idea that technology can solve any and all of humanity’s problems. Although it can’t do that, technology can point out things we need to focus on in order to work towards more overarching solutions. 

“We as human beings have to be willing to do the hard work,” says Chowdhury. “Empathy doesn’t just happen because an AI told you to be more empathetic … [Let’s say] I create an AI to read through your emails and tell you if you sound kind enough and, if not, fix your emails for you so that you sound kind. That doesn’t make your a nicer person; it doesn’t make you more empathetic… The creation of any of this AI that involves improving human beings needs to be designed very thoughtfully, so that human beings are doing the work.” 

Some of that work involves building systems to regulate this type of AI before it’s widespread, and experts have already begun floating ideas. 

For any AI tool, Chris Sciacca, communications manager for IBM Research, would like to see an “AI Fact Sheet” that functions like a nutrition label on a loaf of bread, including data such as who trained the algorithm, when and which data they used. It’s a way to look “under the hood” — or even inside the black box — of an AI tool, understand why it might have come to a certain conclusion and remember to take its results with a grain of salt. He says IBM is working on standardizing and promoting such a practice. 

Picard suggests regulations akin to those for lie detection tests, such as the Federal Employee Polygraph Protection Act, passed in 1988. Under a similar law, it stands to reason that employers would be unable to require AI communication monitoring tools, with few exceptions — and that even in those cases, they couldn’t monitoring someone without informing them about the technology and their rights. 

Spencer Gerrol, CEO of Spark Neuro — a neuroanalytics company that aims to measure emotion and attention for advertisers — says the potential implications for this kind of empathetic AI keep him up at night. Facebook may have created “amazing” tech, he says, but it also contributed to meddling in the U.S. elections. And when it comes to devices that can read emotions based on your brain activity, consequences could be even more dire, especially since much of emotion is subconscious. That means that one day, a device could feasibly be more “aware” of your emotions than you yourself are. “The ethics of that will become complex,” says Gerrol, especially once advertisers attempt to persuade individuals to take action by leveraging what’s known about their emotions. 

As for the founder of Cogito himself? Feast believes that over the next five to 10 years, AI tools will split into two categories: 

Virtual agents that complete tasks on our behalf.

Intelligent augmentation, or services built around reinforcing or extending our own human capabilities. 

Feast envisions more of a meld between man and machine, tools that we’ll deem necessary to help us perform the way we want to in particular settings. These types of tools, he says, will “extend and reinforce our humanness.” 

Thanks to a certain someone on discord indulging me with my dumb childhood stories and other inane bs I remembered something. But first some context:

From Aug of 05 to Dec of 06 I lived in Texas due to Hurricane Katrina. I swapped schools my first year there due to moving away from the relatives that hosted us. After I swapped schools I also ended up swapping classes when they finally checked my IEP over a month later because the way they handled “gifted” students was to have them all in one particular class and get pulled out for the “gifted” class 1 or 2 days a week for the entirety of the day(s). (I can’t remember if it was 1 or 2 days. I have gifted in quotes because the name of these programs have changed since and I am not sure what they are called now.) Anyway, the specific story I told them, albeit more detailed, is: There was this tall(er than me) meganekko busty blonde girl who always had on a somewhat loose grey pullover in my class. We went to different classrooms for each period and had preset seating in each one (it wasn’t alphabetical) but almost all of them we sat next to each-other. Our class had this mandated reading-class-thing where we’d go into the library for a class period, do some group reading+discussion, and then some of those online computer activities (you know the ones) or other reading-based work. Iirc it was because Blue Bonnet reading was/is a big thing there. I can’t recall how many times a week this was or if it was an every day thing either so sorry about that. At some point we had to partner up with someone for whatever the lesson plan was and this lasted for quite some time. I dunno why but she chose me by latching on to my left arm sorta like this but she held me way too close & my head was breast level LOL.

I was so confused at the time but I’m one of those emotionless looking dudes so I’d like to assume she couldn’t tell but she was pretty damn perceptive. I didn’t know what the hell she grabbed me for initially or why she was smashing the side of my head into her chest & her followup didn’t help at all. She’d taken my hand & swung our arms back and forth while skipping in this comical saturday-morning-cartoon way before pushing my arm away and pouting in an equally comical way so I gave up trying to figure out what her angle was. Ofc immediately after this the teacher comes over & brings us back to reality with the pair work. From that point onward we talked a whole lot more and I ended up looking forward to her shenanigans every week. Though I actively put some space between us at times (hopefully not enough to be noticeable) b/c people treated me poorly and I didn’t want her caught up in that. To elaborate on the why of that last bit and set up for what I remembered and why it matters I need to give a bit of a rundown on myself as well. I have almost always been alone socially and otherwise. I’m not close to my family in any regard. I’d consistently been picked on a lot & I’d always been relatively quiet even before I began to avoid speaking in general down the line. My scoring within the top 5% of my class (esp while being black), being an introvert in the early 2000, caring about art, the way I spoke/words I used, and not having interest in sports (again esp while black) led to people condemning me for 1 or more of those things so I started to keep my mouth closed about what little I was interested in as early as age 5. Unfortunately this also led to bullying as well due to people taking my silence & lack of contribution to discussion as me looking down on them. Part of it was that I also didn’t know a lot about sports (a very common topic) & oftentimes I wasn’t allowed to watch many of the shows my classmates did and thus had nothing to say or contribute. Being black meant either I couldn’t be intelligent or that if I was/spoke with anything beyond rudimentary vocabulary I was some kind of race traitor. I couldn’t offer to help anyone with work they were having trouble with w/o being accused of belittling them either.  Most people I came across had no clue what introversion was adults included. I only found out when I was 6 or so because I was forced to find a way to prove I wasn’t some “fucked up abnormality”. I was/am also very physically capable sports-wise and combat-wise despite my lack of interest in the former and my abhorring the latter. The former invited ire due to the whole “nerds aren’t supposed to be good at school and sports” thing. While the latter gave me a reprieve if I ever went there it only lasted until they realized if they pushed me only the “right amount” I’d never fight. The reason any of this matters is I am very careful about who I let get close to me physically & emotionally. I wanted to give credence as to why I am how I am as well as putting that on display. I really really REALLY dislike being touched by those I am not familiar with on a personal level. People I have been acquainted with for years still have to be careful about casually hugging me b/c I’ll reflexively respond with elbow jabs and the like.  Back then my intuition was already at the point it’d give me a relatively accurate read of who was and wasn’t “safe”. So despite all of that + my misgivings about people in general I was fine with everything she did. There were a couple instances where she hugged me from the front or behind like so and would just sit her head on mine and I didn’t do anything to stop her. I didn’t want to. 

She never forcefully invaded my personal space. Even though the first time was spontaneous it wasn’t forceful in execution. Easing her way into my personal space the way she did to do what she did is the reason I realized I am actually a physically affectionate person. I’d never been exposed to it within my family or among what few friends I had until that point aside from those shitty face value ones aunts and uncles would try that I’d avoid partaking in. This along with my isolation (intentional or otherwise) makes it something difficult for me to approach even now. Many of the minute details above were omitted w/ the discord friend due to my inability to recall them. That convo helped me remember all of the above and more. The girl’s name, how she treated me, how her treatment of me affected others, how important she was to me and why. Shelby was the first person at that school to treat me like another person rather than a tool or some kind of abnormality whom needed to be fixed. She was the first reason I began looking forward to going to a school I hated being at. She helped me understand myself a little better likely w/o ever intending to. Regardless of intent she facilitated a situation where I was seen by some as just another dude.

It’s crazy that I couldn’t recall so much w/o her name because I never forgot what she looked like despite that seeming like the easier thing to do. Until now whenever I sat down to try to remember her name I failed to yet here it just came out of the blue when I was done reminiscing. Her name popping into my mind with the familiar image of her beaming as she oft would followed by all these little details is too ethereal. Feels like I’ll forget again if I don’t record this somewhere. 

I’m elated and grateful both to that friend for humoring me and to Shelby for being the goofy jester she had been even before I came to realize it. There are too many small innocuous things that happened with/due to her back then I wish I’d never forgotten about. Maybe it’s my lack of connections to others at play but small things meant and still do mean so much more to me than any large/grand gestures do. It makes it all the more disconcerting that all this was neatly locked away somewhere when I can remember the day my sister was born better than my mom can. One thing that has me kinda fucked up is remembering being excited to go to the same middle school as her. I didn’t bother trying to get to know her better because the same day I had that thought I learned I’d be moving away. So much came back to me now I’m happy & frustrated. I never told her how grateful I was back then. I tried to on my last day there but I ended up almost crying every time so I gave up. I never hugged her back or told her I appreciated her either. From her perspective it may not even be that big a deal but it is to me. This is also the type of guy I am. The minute things that we often take for granted are the most important things to me so I want the people that stay with me to know that I appreciate those things. Even if those decisions you make and actions you take aren’t something you spend a lot of time or effort on the fact that they are made with consideration for me is very much appreciated and I want these people to know that. I wanted her to know that. It took me too long to be able to be able voice these things despite my blunt brazen approach to near everything. Now I have a poignant desire to tell her precisely how much I appreciated her. Knowing I likely will never get the opportunity is very frustrating. Yet I stupidly hope I will come across her again.  Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll see that smile again in person. Both images are I googled tall girl + word + anime and just so happend to get those two as the results that fit and both are from doujns so beware. 1. Tall+Short by Kitakawa Touta 2. Doki Doki Body Wall by Makinosaka Shinichi Edit: Cleaned this up a bit and added some detail. As an addendum: 1. This was 13y ago so I was 11 in the 5th grade. Idk why but she and 2 other girls in our grade were built like idealized 17 y/o’s which was actually part of why Shelby wore the pullover. 2. I’m not pining for her or anything. I couldn’t tell you if I was into her or if she was into me the way kids tend to be back then and really it doesn’t matter if it was or wasn’t the case.  3. For the above: I have only wanted to have a small number of close friends to spend my time with since early on in HS. Having my own family was something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember but I don’t think it’s good for me specifically to explicitly pursue romance so I don’t and didn’t. I don’t want to go looking for love, platonic or otherwise, in all the wrong places. I’ve seen how that goes too many times lol.  A natural progression is more my speed anyway. 

Music Review: Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me

Mount Eerie A Crow Looked At Me [P.W. Elverum & Sun; 2017] Rating: 5/5 “Everybody, it’s gonna happen. You know it’s gonna happen. It happens every day. Billions and billions of people have already died. You too will die. Sing along with us, won’t you?” – Daniel Johnston, “Funeral Home” We are always dying. We die because we fight over shiny stuff. We die because we drive with our eyes on our screens or swallow the wrong things. We die because we extract ancient dead things from the ground that in turn pollute our lungs and synthesize the hydrocarbons that do us harm. We die because our country told us to, because sometimes our stomachs are denied nutrition, because sometimes it’s easier to die than to engage in culture. Of course, we most often die because our cells stop dividing — a phenomenon we equate with ageing. We get old, we die. But sometimes these cells express the opposite: uncontrollable growth and division, which can then lead to a lump, the potential for spreading, and then, sometimes, death. When my wife told me in October 2013 that she was diagnosed with breast cancer, my first thought arrived as a question. It wasn’t about what type of breast cancer, how advanced it was, or which treatments would be required. It wasn’t about how to tell our son or our family or our friends. None of that crossed my mind. As I stood there shocked and unable to mutter any sort of consoling platitude, wrapping my arms around her as she sobbed, the only thought I had in my mind was: Is this person I’m hugging right now going to die? --- My wife is fortunately still alive, but Phil Elverum’s is not. On July 9, 2016, Geneviève Castrée — Phil Elverum’s wife, artist/musician, the mother to their daughter, and his 13-year companion — died from pancreatic cancer. A Crow Looked At Me is Phil’s open-letter tribute to her, an 11-song album that details loss and grief wearily and pensively, but with a clarity of mind. Similar aesthetically to works like Dawn and Little Bird Flies Into A Big Black Cloud, Phil presents his thoughts here with stunning candor, using just a laptop and a microphone to capture his characteristically amorphous guitar lines and thin yet comforting balm of a voice. It was recorded in the room that Geneviève died in and performed mostly on her instruments. The lyrics were written on her paper. But the specifics of its sounds and details of its creation feel as irrelevant and unimportant as any “review” of it (which is why the rating above means absolutely nothing). This isn’t just an album about death. It’s an album that lives death. Death, here, isn’t simply a cessation of bodily functions; it’s an implied process: the process of dying, the process of grieving, the process of performing these processes of death and grief. It’s a testament to how death paradoxically roots itself in life, smudging our desire to concretize abstractions and couching our anxieties in the very human tendency toward wonderment: What is death? What is life? Why does her body look this way? Why do I feel bitter? What do I do now? Rather than wailing existential poetry about the universe and anthropomorphizing the elements through his typically keen, self-aware wisdom, Phil has adopted a no-bullshit, matter-of-fact lyrical approach whose trailing musings and minimalistic narratives resemble those of a diary, a memento mori that acts more like a generous reminder of death’s impact than an artful expression of it. The resulting lyrics are shockingly simplified, but utterly disarming because of it: “I can’t get the image out of my head/ Of when I held you right there/ And watched you die,” he sings on “Swims” over swaying electic guitar, strummed as if it were a nylon. On the gorgeous “Ravens,” he softly croons over broken chords: “I watched you die in this room, then I gave your clothes away/ I’m sorry.” Because Phil deliberately foregoes using metaphors and “big-picture reflections,” much of the album’s strength lies in the excruciating specificity of the domestic and the mundane: old underwear, bloody tissues, her squeaking chair, taking out the garbage, logging time and place with a journalistic rather than artistic flair. The latter loosely brackets off various moments in Phil’s grieving process, as if to ensure their transience. Reflection here is more about remembering than ruminating, Phil shifting from lyrics like “Our daughter is one and a half/ You have been dead 11 days” (“Seaweed”) to “Do the people around me want to keep hearing about my dead wife?” (“My Chasm”). There are some truly sublime moments — the verses in “Ravens,” the refrain of “Soria Moria” — that join some of Phil’s greatest melodies, but it mostly sounds like he’s feeling his way through the chords and, ultimately, letting the words shape the songs. As a result, the melodies feel decidedly less worked over, oftentimes arriving loose and lopsided, almost indistinct. This approach, coupled with his avoidance of the towering, expansive textures of his recent work, ensures we don’t get too absorbed by our own thoughts, that we don’t get overly seduced by its musicality lest we forget that “death is real,” the album’s pseudo mantra. Which is fitting: we don’t sing along to this album, we cry to it. There’s an entrenched realism in play here, a constant, weary reminder of our soggy corporeality and our oftentimes futile attempts to transcend it. Because, for Phil, it’s not just that grief flails under a “crushing absurdity,” but that it also manifests physically, with knees failing, brains failing, faces contorting, bodies collapsing. Geneviève, too, is not just a dead wife and dead mother. Before becoming “burnt bones,” “dust,” and “ashes in a jar,” Geneviève is depicted as a dying face, a body transforming, a wife chemically reduced to something “jaundiced and fucked.” Because cancer kills, sure, but the destruction happens over time. I don’t know what it was like in Phil’s household, but ours was constantly on alert, self-isolating ourselves from the world because we were terrified of germs that could derail any progress. There were unexpected allergic reactions and multiple emergency trips, fallen hair gathering in the corners of the wood floors, trivial fights and overbearing guilt and bitterness that we are still working to get through. Intimacy was replaced by hospital gowns and premature goodnights, the body ravaged by toxic medicines, the body dismembered and, later, reconstructed. It all weighed on our then three-year-old son, who at first couldn’t understand why Mom was always sleeping and why she couldn’t play with him. But time can be an asset, and on this album and in my own life, it acts not to heal, per se, but to deteriorate memory, to exploit its imprecision in order to make us remember less clearly. Death implies replacement, substitution, a clearing of space for someone else to breathe the air we breathe or buy the shit we buy or do the other ridiculous/awesome/mostly ridiculous things that humans do. But trauma, devastation, loss — they’re not things that just go away if you’re still breathing. They linger, reduced in severity over time only because they become less functional to the social whole and therefore less necessary to dwell on once grief is internalized, once it changes our composition, effectively allowing us to be “post-human in a past that keeps happening ahead of you,” as Joanne Kyger put it in the poem gracing the album’s cover (RIP Joanne Kygerb, who sadly died this week). It never feels right to “move on” from death, whatever that means, but the world does anyway, seemingly indifferent to our pain. So, we too join in — sometimes without realizing it, sometimes with an unbelievable awareness. As Phil sings on “Toothbrush/Trash”: “Today I just felt it for the first time three months and one day after you died. I realized that these photographs we have of you are slowly replacing the subtle familiar memory of what it’s like to know you’re in the other room, to hear you singing on the stairs, a movement, a pinecone, your squeaking chair, the quiet untreasured in-between times, the actual experience of you here. I can feel these memories escaping colonized by photos, narrowed down, told. My mind erasing.” I took a couple trips recently, one to visit my cousin and another to visit my aunt. But both trips were actually painful, awkward goodbyes: roughly a week after each visit, my cousin and my aunt would be dead, both due to cancer. “Auntie Shenshen died,” I told my son shortly after it happened. He paused, then replied, softly: “Don’t tell me that kind of stuff.” --- It’s not easy to hear about death, which is of course why A Crow Looked At Me is a challenging listen. Because unlike some of Phil’s earlier work, the album isn’t a simple aestheticization of death. “This new album is barely music,” said Phil in an interview with Pitchfork. “It’s just me speaking her name out loud, her memory.” But although the lyrics are ostensibly about his own experiences with death, Phil’s documentation from the frontlines of tragedy acts, in the end, as a selfless reflection of love, carrying Geneviève’s memory in and through song, letting his admiration for her override anxiety about who he is now and how he and his daughter fit in a world without her. As he put it in a note released with the album: The idea that I could have a self or personal preferences or songs eroded down into an absurd old idea leftover from a more self-indulgent time before I was a hospital-driver, a caregiver, a child-raiser, a griever. I am open now, and these songs poured out quickly in the fall, watching the days grey over and watching the neighbors across the alley tear down and rebuild their house. I make these songs and put them out into the world just to multiply my voice saying that I love her. I want it known. As listeners, we are implicated through knowing, with the understanding that interpretation and value judgments here are essentially irrelevant. The album defies being used as an accessory for identity construction, and the words — most of which are written to Geneviève herself, except the faint glimmer of hope expressed in the final track to his daughter — are too direct, too intimate, too real to foster casual or interpretive listening. With A Crow Looked At Me, Phil — who had kept much of his family life private until last year’s GoFundMe campaign — has laid himself bare, sharing a dark, devastating moment in his family’s life with an open vulnerability that’s complemented by the strength and generosity required to give voice to it in the first place. Over many songs and many albums, Phil’s primary aim has been to communicate grand ideas, to be understood, and his own perception that he’s been unable to do so without misunderstanding has always haunted how he writes — sometimes awkwardly so. As he put it in an autobiographical essay, “[T]he truth is that I am sensitive to any thematic or lyrical misunderstandings because I actually do want to get my idea across, beyond just me, and I continue to try to get my blade sharper.” But by plummeting into the depths of his own cavernous pain on this release, relinquishing the obscuring metaphors and telling “everything as it is,” he has transformed personal grief into something like a universal sorrow, grounded in a loving, caring lucidity unlike any of his other works. Those who have suffered through loss will have much to relate with on A Crow Looked At Me, but it won’t be a salve for your despair. There are no instructions here on how to deal with grief, no moralistic epiphanies or clever grandiose poetics. But it could, at the very least, help some of us better understand how grief functions in our own lives, how being reflexive about loss can help us accept that “We are all always so close to not existing at all” or offer insight into how we too can function when “someone’s there and then they’re not.” In the context of our own narcissistic pretenses and the technologies that mediate our interactions — our constructed identities, our social media performances, our avatars and their simulations — the act of being brutally honest, of being uncomfortably direct through the highly flawed, imperfect thing we call language becomes an act of boldness and, for me, a source of inspiration. This is why I’m writing not as “Mr P” in this review, but as Marvin Lin: a longtime admirer of Phil’s music and a fellow caretaker, griever, and father, scared about the future but overwhelmed by feelings of openness and kinship. And it’s helping. http://j.mp/2mX2miL

Self-Care Tips to Practice at Home While Social Distancing During COVID-19 In 2020

Self-Care Tips to Practice at Home While Social Distancing During COVID-19 In 2020

As the world continues to deal with the coronavirus pandemic, health officials are recommending social-distancing and self-quarantine practices to slow the spread of the disease.

This means, for the foreseeable future, we’ll be spending a lot more time at home. Our daily routines will shift, we’ll be without the face-to-face social contact that helps keep us feeling connected and positive, and we’ll need to adjust to this new normal. 

That’s why now, more than ever before, prioritizing emotional and mental health is so important. Luckily, there are so many things you can do at home to show yourself some love and boost positivity.

Not only are these practices a great way to manage anxiety, but they can also help you stay healthy and give your days more structure. 

To help you get started, we’ve rounded up some of the best self-care tips from professionals in the self-care and wellness field that you can start practicing today.

self-care tips at home 2020

Be kind to yourself 

One of the best self-care tips you can follow right now is to be kind to yourself. While there is a lot you can’t control, you can, at the very least, pay attention to your feelings and practice self-compassion.

Try this:  No one can figure all this out in one week. Give yourself a little grace and remember you are resilient! – Martha Rosado, Owner,  Anxiety Specialist Counseling Center

Even people who don’t usually struggle with anxiety are experiencing more worry and anxiety now. So, practice self-compassion and don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re experiencing more anxiety than usual. – Anxiety Canada

Limit information intake and screen time

While it’s important to remain informed, if you spend your entire day watching and thinking about the news, it creates a mindset of powerlessness and panic. Taking a break from it all can help reduce stress and give your mind room for positive thinking. 

Try this:

  It’s important to put time limits on media exposure to avoid feeling overwhelmed. –  Kevin L. Gyoerkoe, Psy.D, The Anxiety and OCD Treatment Center

Set a timer on your phone and when it goes off walk away, play with your kids, take a walk outside, play a game, or do a guided meditation. The amount of information we are taking in right now can be overwhelming and counterproductive to making the best choices for ourselves. – Angela Saeger, Cedar Point Therapy

Create and stick to a daily routine 

With so much change, it’s crucial that you try to maintain your routine as best you can. Doing so can give your days more structure, purpose, and hopefully a bit of normalcy. 

Try this:   Schedule your exercise, work, and food at a specific time and it will give you a balanced day. – Yvonne Phillips, Feng Shui World

Your morning and bedtime routines are particularly important. Get your kids dressed, spend time on schoolwork, play, and connect with loved ones via technology (virtual dinner parties!). – NW Anxiety Institute

self-care meditation in 2020

Reduce stress and anxiety with meditation and deep breathing 

For most people, anxiety levels are rising as the days go by. However, panicking and stressing provide no protection against this crisis. If anything, doing so makes you more vulnerable. The immune system can’t function at its highest potential when the mind is worrying.

Try this:  Take care of your nervous system and reduce your anxiety with a practice such as the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) Tapping. EFT Tapping can support you so that your body is able to handle the electrical load of the huge amounts of stress we find ourselves in. I am also sharing a free EFT meditation that anyone can download and practice by themselves. – Damla Aktekin, Vibrational Healer, A Drop Of Om 

Other than chocolate and wine, our self-care tip is to go to our website and press our “panic button.” Don’t worry–no one will show up at your door–it’s just a recording of us talking you through your anxiety. It’s anonymous and free so press away! – Abs & Mags, The Anxiety Sisters

Find a quiet place for a few minutes to focus on your breath to ground yourself and increase feelings of calm and relaxation. – Mindful Soul Center for Wellbeing 

Several times a day, pause to do some conscious breathing. Relax, be very still, and then silently count out ten slow deep breaths. For that short period, focus your undivided attention on the passage and feel of your in-breath and your out-breath. – Morgan Dix, Cofounder, About Meditation & the One Mind Podcast

Deep breaths connect us to our whole selves, deliver much-needed oxygen to our cells, and keep us present. Aromatherapy with pure essential oils in addition to mindful breathing is a treat for our respiratory system and can lift the mood. – Amanda May-Fitzgerald, Owner, Wild at Heart

self-care tips yoga 2020

Don’t forget to stay active

Social distancing doesn’t mean you have to lounge around on the couch all day. Moving your body for 30 minutes a day is a great self-care practice to get endorphins flowing and boost energy. 

Try this:   Aerobic exercise and resistance training are my go-to activities to reduce anxiety levels. There are a ton of free high-quality home workouts on YouTube. One work out will improve your day greatly. – Salomon Ptasevich, Anxiety Social Net

You can practice self-care and boost alertness by waking up with a meditation or morning stretch. I’ve made it more enjoyable by misting our Wanderlust Room & Linen spray on the yoga mat before practice or around me before I begin a meditation. It’s calming essential oils of organic Lavender and Ylang Ylang. – Aba T. Gyepi-Garbrah, Aba Love Apothecary 

man writing in notebook COVID-19 2020

Use this time to make note of the positives in your life

As the world deals with uncertain times, it can be easy to look at this entire experience negatively. But what if you paused and decided to focus on the positives instead? What if you used this time to be grateful for all the good in your life?

Try this: This is a great opportunity to slow down, be present and have gratitude for moments that we oftentimes take for granted, like taking a leisurely walk or having more time with kids, partners or pets. – Lori O’Mara, LCSW, CST, Cope Better Therapy

Evaluate opportunities for self-growth

All of this free time provides the perfect opportunity for introspection. Maybe for years, you’ve wanted to start meditating, or maybe you’ve always wanted to read more. No time is greater than the present to tackle some goals and make changes you’ve always wanted to.  

Try this: Think about what changes you are making that improve your well-being. How can you keep up those habits when the crisis passes? – New Dream

Use this time of rest as an opportunity to let go. Assess the life you’ve been living and what you would like to change. Start by looking within. How can you declutter your mind, body, AND spirit during this virus? What positive things can you add to your life to help you get through this? – Kristin Fehrman, Mindful In Style

relaxing bath with books and candles in 2020 During COVID-19

Boost your immunity

Unfortunately, we don’t yet know how to fully prevent or manage the damage caused by the coronavirus. However, this doesn’t mean our efforts are completely hopeless. In addition to staying home, there are a number of simple self-care tips and practices you can incorporate to boost immunity and improve your health. 

Try this:  Sea salt baths are a great self-care tip to reduce stress and enhance immunity. They increase mineral levels and lower inflammation. I am also a huge fan of castor oil packs, placed directly on the abdomen or the liver because they pull toxins out of the body and can be done while laying down or relaxing. – Mindful Health

Don’t let the fear and panic get under your skin. Every time you worry or surf the net looking for the updates, your cortisol level (stress hormone) goes up, and stress is not your immunity’s best friend. – Zara Martirosyan, CEO & Founder, inKin Social Fitness Platform

Intervals in the shower between cold and warm temperatures. To boost your immune system do 1-minute warm followed by 15 seconds cold.- Dennis Simsek, The Anxiety Guy 

Remember – YOU ARE NOT ALONE

It’s vital to stay connected during this time. Practice this self-care tip by Facetiming with your grandparents or having a virtual dinner party with your friends. 

Try this:  Social distancing does not mean social isolation. Isolation is highly risky behavior for anyone, especially given the anxiety and fear that has been embedded in the overall social reactivity. Creatively reframe the phrase self-quarantine to safe social connection. – Barry Pilson, Ph.D.

Realize we are all part of a community and we’re all in this together, from New York City to Sacramento (and everywhere in between). We’ll only come out stronger and more united in the end. Do things to help others in your community who may be in need, who may have difficulties helping themselves. 

Try this:  Some teenagers/young adults are seeing how they can help the elderly in their neighborhoods with grocery runs, etc.- Dr. Daniel Binus, MD, Beautiful Minds Medical 

  Redfin does not provide medical advice All of the material provided on Redfin’s blog, such as text, treatments, dosages, outcomes, charts, patient profiles, graphics, photographs, images, advice, messages, forum postings, and any other material provided on Redfin’s blog are for informational purposes only and are not a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment.

Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your health. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on Redfin’s blog.

If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately.

Redfin does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on Redfin’s blog.

Reliance on any information provided by Redfin’s blog, by persons appearing on Redfin’s blog at the invitation of Redfin’s blog, or by other members is solely at your own risk.

Original Source: Self-Care Tips to Practice at Home While Social Distancing.

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5- 9- 18 - I can give...  distance, casualness, persuasive things, friendship, fun, ...  I can give these as the ways I share with loved ones things I think might help them.  Give them things that help, the foundational approaches that help with my depression, and my health, and my social skills issues and strange personality issues and my spirituality and existential angst and boredom and despair, too, because I know that my loved ones, some of them, do suffer with these from time to time, and feel adrift, bereft, maybe traumatized, with these issues. 

I will share spirit connection and motivation tools, too, and I will share joy and passion and what helps me to sustain these, and I will include my book of ideas randomly placed and how I use those things as a divination and guidance tool from spirit, and how much it helps me...  I will make it random first, later sorting it by category,...  I will share empathy, like this is how it is for me, and I relate that it might not fit for you, and respect your journey, and yet, I will share the ways I do particularly relate to things they’ve told me of, experiences they’ve had and feeling that they have had, too...  And I will give specific detailed examples to show empathy with them, and,

...I will also show empathy in the sense of noticing things they are especially excited and happy about and remembering and including those things, or things they’re disturbed or given trouble with in life, and talk about these to,...  I will gradually, casually form a bond of trust and friendship, relating and building the bridge of relating, not talking about things they don’t relate with, 

...yes even if I consider them to be of utmost importance, or at least, not going on too long about them, even though I wish they’d get it, but maybe that is wrong for me to expect they will just “get it”,...

Sigh,...  Silly me, for feeling and thinking it is so easy, look at my own life,...  How I haven’t “got it” even when I did, mentally, but there is so much more than the obvious logical known level of things...  Beneath the surface, trauma, complication, emotion, health, mood disorders and on and on...  So I’ll remember and not expect anything I couldn’t expect even from my own effort to help myself, much less others random advice which often is not at the right time, etc, etc..

So yes,...  and I will try to help them relate socially to a variety of people, open their horizons to include others they’d normally exclude,.. 

or keep distant, on the outskirts, only occasionally interacting...  

and this includes me, but if they really don’t want me or anyone else, much, then fine you know,...  It’s maybe how it has to be, by their choice or by necessity...  I will try to find common interests, but what can you do?  

But I know, and it’s ok, really, I am fine because why not be fine?  What else is there to do about it,...  I am fine,...  I will find, over time, at least,...  If I must be,...  Fine,... 

Really,...

If we really are too different and they need someone more similar then that is just that.  I will try to repeat things till they are opened up to,...

and change the angle I tell them, to give examples and beauty and imagination and fun and whatever, ...  

Because if they act somewhat interested in what I say but never act on it then maybe it’s just they forgot or didn’t feel motivated or focused, not that they really don’t want to do it, but maybe need reminding and to help build their motivation and enthusiasm up,...  I think often people need things,... 

Over and over, repeated a few times, or more, many many times maybe,...  Not in a pushy or annoying way, that is more likely to make them avoid it, though...

... and they might need, often, to also be given good examples and a social sense of “they’re doing it and it works for them and I trust their experience because they’re like me and so maybe it’ll work for me, or whatever like that...”, ...  before they will finally do it,..  

Because uncertainty and lack of motivation or support, and a sense of lonely sorrow and trauma often can be overcome by knowing “this person recommends this and I actually think they might know what I mean, and know the kinds of things that I would need, me, with my own issues, not just generalized whoever advice one size it’s all... Because so often what works for many doesn’t work for me,...  And many unique people are similar, always the outliers, the exceptions, always bad luck, ...  It seems to me,... Sensitive and peculiar in their problems as well as their other traits and their talents,...  I think maybe,...

That, it could be like this,...  Just a feeling, with these things, .... with my loved ones,... 

Not always but some of the time, and it wouldn’t hurt to at least, suggest it...  Unless it’s made clear it’s not something they’re interested,...  And suggest, mention, drop it in the conversation not for them but just in a pleasant flowing way,...  Only occasionally, rarely enough, random and distant or following the feeling, intuition to tell me when to bring it up and see when they are open to it because when you’re open to things can change a lot or when you’re motivated to act on things, too,...  

But for me, often rarely, as my days creep and spin in a mix of choatic exhausted distraction oftentimes...  

At least that is how it often is for me, in my own life and habits and problems and finding things to address them with...  So I will try to repeat things, but not too often, not pushy about it at all, nor even seeming to insinuate, but just somehow mention in a kind of fun and pleasant way, at least,...  And so there is that..

And I think I want to help them with self love, to feel that, connect to that, from spirit, and from their own self, but also with the help of spirit, which made everything different, a million times different and better and stronger and more joyful and beautiful and real, believable, because spirit was there for me, like a lover, and a friend, and things like that, for me,... 

Maybe it could be the same for these other ones, these loved ones, who want someone who adores them, romantically, and as a friend, is perfect for them, perfect as is reasonably a hope anyway that is, not too unrealistic, but as dream come true as you can stretch to open and hope and dream of, gradually reaching that love through spirit,... 

And that is what happened to me and so I’ll see if they might be open to this, because it’s everything to me, but I have finally transcended the need for it much for a while now, we’ll see how that goes, though spirit love,...

Which the spirit love, yes, very beautifully, now, seems almost too pure to intersect in my real life, as if it’s waiting for me to heal and solve my problems and purify myself before joining with me, once more, in a more full way,,...

But the spirit love, yes, does,...  still comes to me from time to time, but not as often in a little while, and I’m feeling really wonderful most of the time...

So there’s all that...  Finding their own passion and joy and how to express it and live it, their sense of purpose and joy and giving back, etc, in their own particular ways,...  These are a few of the things I want to share...  But all just in this casual, distant, random way, easy, careless, use at your own will and in your own way and time or don’t use at all, sort of way...  

And so, I want to share these things with my loved ones though, who seem to feel depressed a lot, lonely and isolated in this world and life and may need a lot of help, maybe urgently at some point if things go badly in their lives. 

Yes,...  So I’ll see...  I wanted to write the ideas though, while they came to me.

I feel they’re one of the cornerstones of my world, these people, even if we rarely even talk, but I talk to almost no one and they’re so important and special, wise, good character, insight, empathy, someone I feel I can really relate to in a lot of ways, so it’s so very rare to even know such a person exists, 

...but I can’t reach them unless they feel I’m relatable and they want to open up and feel enthusiastic enough about what I say, feel open, and not just shut down, withdrawn, tired, unmotivated about what I say, or even anything for that matter, ...  Unmotivated and withdrawn from life and everyone, not just me, and so I want to find how to gradually open them up, reach them, shine light,...

And kindle warmth, and scatter beauty, comfort, show and tell and demonstrate a real, convincing love and kindness and fun and hope and whatever,... All of it in a way they can actually relate to and enjoy so I’m not just a “kind relative” they don’t really relate to, but seen as a real friend, as they used to see me, I think...  Somehow, if I can,...

But, again,...  I will see.  I have to do what I can, but I’m a small person and we really are quite a bit different in a few ways and they have their own set of problems which have little or nothing to do with me,...

Things I think, that I might not be able to help with, ...  Life particularities, small details...  can be so different for different people, even if on the outside it appears we are so similar, to one or even both people,... And, so it’s just how it can be, sometimes...  

And I can only do what I can do.  

But I still feel there is a pretty good chance and if I try and it doesn’t reach them, again, I can give it to others,...  So, I have hope in that, really,...  

But,...  Yes, I need something to focus me.  

Because, in truth, no, I don’t feel motivated to write up my stuff for myself, even if I love myself and have spirit helping me so much, too,...

I don’t feel like doing it just for myself, nor do I feel like doing it for people in general online, 

....  Ok, but, still, I do feel like doing it for my loved ones and my daughter, ...  So 

I am picky about who I help but if I search and look for people I can find who I feel called to help, even people I might try to help, not knowing if they even are reading what I write, giving them the slight chance, to find and read if they feel like it, but I do it for them, so much I do in the chance they might read, because I feel moved by them, like soul family or something maybe,...  And then, others who I do the same for, in a slighter, subtler way, because I care and I feel moved by them, but less so, but I keep the door open that they could find and stumble in to my writings and maybe be helped,...  

I’m excited to think of all these things...  I really want to try to help and share with my loved ones, so much, even giving the results in the final say to spirit, subtle, slight, so much up in the air, flying around,...  ungrounded, but spirit can fly from there, emotions and imagination, passion and intuition, so if that lands home, I hope, for them, then it could work,...  Or change form, like the ethereal things, again... 

Of course, I want to be also,...  not just writing things, but talking, doing things together, spending time together, and showing I care on the ground level too, more,...  Even if I have to do so in such a slight, out of character way, making myself do what I don’t do normally, but I want to do it... 

It’s not that I don’t want to, but that I’m not in the habit.  Truly I want to care for people as they can relate to it...  So I want to do real life, grounded, active and material gestures, too...  I think these types of actions often make more impact than the dreamy idea and writing stuff... 

So yes, real actions and gifts, sensory things, not just ideas, not just words,... That is important to make or try to make myself get in the habit of sharing,... 

At least as much as is reasonable, 

... Even though it’s something I have scoffed at and can feel forced, fake, shallow in my cloudy, dreamy personality, thinking I’m too dreamy to relate to people on that level,...  But I have to make myself bridge the gap, find gestures and material things to share or give that they can relate to, not just my own weird tastes...  Lol  

Yes,...  but I know it might not really happen much for me to talk much in person,...  It’s ok.  I’ll be me.  Maybe I can gather interesting things I hear, jot down in a notebook, practice a conversation in my imagination...  

Training myself socially,...  Rehearse social rules to follow or ones not to break too...  Thinking of getting some books about autism spectrum and social skills that are unspoken that everyone gets except people with autism...  

Because I think I might also not get some of those things,...  Lol  Whether I have autism spectrum or not in a diagnosable, official way,...  Maybe it will help...  I really get the feeling, after reading a few of the things about some of those books I’m going to buy, to buy for myself and my daughter, so I can teach her what I don’t know and as she seems to be a little socially naturally awkward too...  Lol  Well maybe it will help us relate to each other, hmm...  

But I want to prepare her for the world,...  

Sometimes awkward is “too honest”, “too real”, etc which I like, but society does not find acceptable at all, so I have to learn these rules.  Also, flattery and social niceties seem to be really big deals to others and fly over my head as “fake”, ..

Or as just completely pointless and unnecessary, ego stroking, again, but if others feel they need them in order to be friends, maybe I can manage to learn it... Etc.  Sigh.  Hmm...  I mean, I don’t know why they need it but if they do who am I to judge, who am I to question, I guess...  

Anyways, though, I guess that really, it’s a big deal that I’m a stumbling klutz at most conversation, even with loved ones, so often...  Blank minded, unable to come up with anything to say, or whatever, so hm...  We’ll see.  

ACT 5: Loneliness & Liberation– A 2017 Review and 2018 Preview

Illustration: Liberation by Laura Berger

Let me pick up where I left off after Acts 1-4, where I left saying that I was on a fierce mission to move on.

From July to August, I spent a month traveling solo through Negros and Cebu, trying to re-figure out my next moves, after one option had been so definitively closed for me. I sought solace in the sea and company.

I was at a crossroads of whether give up or keep going. And with each choice, I had another set of choices to choose from.

Choice – it’s a paralyzing thing in life. Choosing between options can oftentimes make us feel stuck, not wanting to make a choice one way or another because of the fear that we would be choosing the wrong one. And so oftentimes, we postpone making the decision. 

What happens then is a long drawn out limbo of being neither here nor there, and ultimately, not getting any shit done, or doing a half-assed thing at best. But the only way to move forward is to make a choice, and let go of the choice not taken. 

Life is one never-ending Choose Your Own Adventure book. And sometimes, it can be pretty tiring. Can’t I just get a nice fiction book with amazing cover art, a strong heroine and happy ending? Plot twist not necessary.

Yeah, yeah, but where’s the fun in that right?

So anyway, at the beginning of my trip, I was feeling good, mildly hopeful, and generally just happy to be “away”. Though at a certain point of my trip, at a moment when I was most alone and isolated, the loneliness began to creep back in.

For a long time, even after I had gotten back, this feeling of loneliness wouldn’t leave me.

I would busy myself with work – creating MUNI Meetups on Zero Waste, doing consultancy for a social enterprise, and going on corporate speaking engagements on conscious consumption / zero waste living – as it was the only thing that reasonably gave me meaning.

I would spend time with friends – and in the past two months, probably going out and consuming more alcohol than I have in the past few years. (This is more indicative of how little I would go on a “night out” before, rather than it is an indication of how many cocktails I’ve had in November and December LOL.)

I would chat with people who would give me their time. And I would go out on a few un-horrible, although ultimately lackluster dates.

And then there were always those brief moments in the day, in between all the pseudo-busy-ness, that the cracks in the armor of strength & self-love that I was trying to forge would show.

I wish I could say that something miraculous had happened in the past six months that has both erased all the residual heartbreak and given me a eureka moment, so vivid and unquestionable, about what to do with my life and work. But no, there has not been a single moment.

However, life (and change) is a series of moments. Deliberate moments, deliberate choices that we make moment to moment. To choose myself, to choose to trust - in my own strength and abilities, in my being worthy of success and happiness, in the commitment of others to help me and love me. I knowingly gave into indulgences, but especially in this last week, I’ve also knowingly made more choices to make myself stronger for my upcoming Jesus year (turning 33 in 2018).

In my prior year-end review/previews, I would outline how I fared with the goals I had set the year before, and outline the goals I wish to make for the year moving forward.

Given though that I hadn’t clearly written my 2017 goals in a blog post like I had done so in the past, what I can do is look back, and see what I’m happy about / grateful for in the past year that proves it’s not nearly as shitty as my melodramatic self might sometimes think.

My mom’s health

Putting together some kickass MUNI Meetups on Zero Waste Living, and giving talks in corporate settings, making genuine, authentic business connections, and actually making money from them

My solo travel through the Visayas – Meeting up with my friend Mishi, Chin, the Gastons, going to Danjugan and meeting Dave, slooooooow traveling from Negros to Cebu, going to Hale Manna, meeting up with Angie – and being so inspired by the whole trip that I decided to go out on a limb and create MUNI Travels

Working out of paradise – El Nido for 6 weeks (though it felt more like hell than paradise while I was there HAHA, I am still ultimately grateful for the experience and opportunity and new friends) :)

Making an awesome new friend in Denise Subido, and our few but awesome hangs with THE Ken Alonso

Learning more about beverages (thanks Bayani Brew), cocktails and alcohol (thanks Ken), and hitting up some cool spotsss (thanks Den)

Then learning to cut back after realizing I was spending way too much time and money on that (but still happy about having better knowledge and awareness about mah dranks)

Having the resolve to give a scholarship application another shot (law of attraction, come on, mag-two years na)

Crystals (lol)

Given a review of previous year-end entries, I found it somewhat discouraging that I would put some goals out there (with the intention of holding myself more accountable by announcing it) and then not really be able to see them through. But I guess what I fail to see when I think that, is that I still managed to accomplish some of my goals, and that in failing to reach the other ones, I still made headway in the process.

Sometimes, things happen that throw us off course for a little bit, but I’m learning to stop with the self-deprecation, forgive myself, cut myself some slack, and move forward.

So, for 2018, here’s are my broader goals for public consumption so far:

Make more moneyyy – by doing more MUNI Meetups and corporate engagements – still in the works, and plans with them are still malleable so I don’t want to set specific goals (though I have a monthly figure in my head), but I’ve spent enough years running away from the serious adulting of making more money while pursuing something meaningful. It is meaningful when it is sustainable, and it is sustainable if it makes money to support itself.

Be a bad ass swimmer (NOT Olympic levels okay?? Just on a personal level bad ass) – I’ve already signed up for swim classes with Swim Academy this January, with the intention of having formal instruction and better form after over 4 years of just teaching myself how to swim. And also as a way to gear myself up to join the VIP Lobo 2.5km Open Water Swim with Swim Junkie (after being so inspired when I helped out with their swim in El Nido) – I haven’t had enough courage to sign up for the swim yet, though I tell myself it’s because I haven’t figured out accommodations and don’t want to spend too much when I stay over.

Take up masters in environmental / social psychology – One of my previous coach-confidantes told me I was overly concerned with the academic credential and I didn’t need it. But 1.5 years later, I’m still thinking about it, and I don’t want to give up without a fight? If plan A falls through, I have a plan B. Bottomline is, I want to better understand and share knowledge and research about how we can best brainwash people for their well-being and the good of the planet.

Empower others to be carry forth the MUNI mission – Been saying this for a while now, but I’ve not been able to put the structures into place, perhaps due to laziness / lack of prioritization, but perhaps also largely because I didn’t want to relinquish control as well. In light of the intention to study and do other things with MUNI, the only way for me to sustain and grow it is by really involving others. So far, I’ve still had a lack of people stepping up to the plate, but perhaps I’ve also not done a very good job of making the plate more apparent and appealing thus far. I’m hoping to put the structures in place and take a leap and grow the regular working team from just me, to me and 2 other people.

Come out of my shell / step into the light more – Maybe it’s finally the year for a vlog? LOL. I’ve already started the transition of “getting out of my shell” by getting another domain for more professional purposes, instead of always hiding behind the pseudonym Nomad Manager (though everyone knows it’s really me anyway) since 2009. I’ve also changed my name in my major social media accounts, changing them from nomadmanager to jenhorn_ or whatever other iteration of my real name was still available on the platform. Though it’s annoying that I won’t have a straight up jenhorn across all platforms, I’ve found it pleasantly liberating to embrace myself more fully in this way. Besides, what does Nomad Manager mean to me now anyway? Even though I like my freedom, a “nomad” (to me, now vs. how I meant it before) indicates homelessness / lostness, and I want more foundation and certainty in my life now. And I want to feel “home” wherever I am, in that I know what the hell I’m doing vs. aimlessly meandering about. And “manager”, honestly, I don’t want to manage people. I want to maybe encourage, facilitate learning, coach, share insights, inspire, brainwash, but I don’t want to manage people. 

“There is love in holding, and there is love in letting go.” – Elizabeth Berg

So, I guess that also means this may be my last real blog post here as I move on with a new chapter. (Though I’m still thinking about what I’ll do with my Letters to Self tradition here, and what content I’m comfortable sharing in my new domain.)

And again, life, you think you’re funny sometimes and like to throw curveballs from nowhere and mess up my plans. But I’ll make do. I’ll play what you’ll deal. So, up yours if you think you’ll completely throw me off. I may have to adjust, change and pivot, but I’ll keep on keeping on.

To brighter days ahead, Jen