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nomadmanager · 6 years

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ACT 5: Loneliness & Liberation– A 2017 Review and 2018 Preview

Illustration: Liberation by Laura Berger

Let me pick up where I left off after Acts 1-4, where I left saying that I was on a fierce mission to move on.

From July to August, I spent a month traveling solo through Negros and Cebu, trying to re-figure out my next moves, after one option had been so definitively closed for me. I sought solace in the sea and company.

I was at a crossroads of whether give up or keep going. And with each choice, I had another set of choices to choose from.

Choice – it’s a paralyzing thing in life. Choosing between options can oftentimes make us feel stuck, not wanting to make a choice one way or another because of the fear that we would be choosing the wrong one. And so oftentimes, we postpone making the decision.

What happens then is a long drawn out limbo of being neither here nor there, and ultimately, not getting any shit done, or doing a half-assed thing at best. But the only way to move forward is to make a choice, and let go of the choice not taken.

Life is one never-ending Choose Your Own Adventure book. And sometimes, it can be pretty tiring. Can’t I just get a nice fiction book with amazing cover art, a strong heroine and happy ending? Plot twist not necessary.

Yeah, yeah, but where’s the fun in that right?

So anyway, at the beginning of my trip, I was feeling good, mildly hopeful, and generally just happy to be “away”. Though at a certain point of my trip, at a moment when I was most alone and isolated, the loneliness began to creep back in.

For a long time, even after I had gotten back, this feeling of loneliness wouldn’t leave me.

I would busy myself with work – creating MUNI Meetups on Zero Waste, doing consultancy for a social enterprise, and going on corporate speaking engagements on conscious consumption / zero waste living – as it was the only thing that reasonably gave me meaning.

I would spend time with friends – and in the past two months, probably going out and consuming more alcohol than I have in the past few years. (This is more indicative of how little I would go on a “night out” before, rather than it is an indication of how many cocktails I’ve had in November and December LOL.)

I would chat with people who would give me their time. And I would go out on a few un-horrible, although ultimately lackluster dates.

And then there were always those brief moments in the day, in between all the pseudo-busy-ness, that the cracks in the armor of strength & self-love that I was trying to forge would show.

I wish I could say that something miraculous had happened in the past six months that has both erased all the residual heartbreak and given me a eureka moment, so vivid and unquestionable, about what to do with my life and work. But no, there has not been a single moment.

However, life (and change) is a series of moments. Deliberate moments, deliberate choices that we make moment to moment. To choose myself, to choose to trust - in my own strength and abilities, in my being worthy of success and happiness, in the commitment of others to help me and love me. I knowingly gave into indulgences, but especially in this last week, I’ve also knowingly made more choices to make myself stronger for my upcoming Jesus year (turning 33 in 2018).

In my prior year-end review/previews, I would outline how I fared with the goals I had set the year before, and outline the goals I wish to make for the year moving forward.

Given though that I hadn’t clearly written my 2017 goals in a blog post like I had done so in the past, what I can do is look back, and see what I’m happy about / grateful for in the past year that proves it’s not nearly as shitty as my melodramatic self might sometimes think.

My mom’s health

Putting together some kickass MUNI Meetups on Zero Waste Living, and giving talks in corporate settings, making genuine, authentic business connections, and actually making money from them

My solo travel through the Visayas – Meeting up with my friend Mishi, Chin, the Gastons, going to Danjugan and meeting Dave, slooooooow traveling from Negros to Cebu, going to Hale Manna, meeting up with Angie – and being so inspired by the whole trip that I decided to go out on a limb and create MUNI Travels

Working out of paradise – El Nido for 6 weeks (though it felt more like hell than paradise while I was there HAHA, I am still ultimately grateful for the experience and opportunity and new friends) :)

Making an awesome new friend in Denise Subido, and our few but awesome hangs with THE Ken Alonso

Learning more about beverages (thanks Bayani Brew), cocktails and alcohol (thanks Ken), and hitting up some cool spotsss (thanks Den)

Then learning to cut back after realizing I was spending way too much time and money on that (but still happy about having better knowledge and awareness about mah dranks)

Having the resolve to give a scholarship application another shot (law of attraction, come on, mag-two years na)

Crystals (lol)

Given a review of previous year-end entries, I found it somewhat discouraging that I would put some goals out there (with the intention of holding myself more accountable by announcing it) and then not really be able to see them through. But I guess what I fail to see when I think that, is that I still managed to accomplish some of my goals, and that in failing to reach the other ones, I still made headway in the process.

Sometimes, things happen that throw us off course for a little bit, but I’m learning to stop with the self-deprecation, forgive myself, cut myself some slack, and move forward.

So, for 2018, here’s are my broader goals for public consumption so far:

Make more moneyyy – by doing more MUNI Meetups and corporate engagements – still in the works, and plans with them are still malleable so I don’t want to set specific goals (though I have a monthly figure in my head), but I’ve spent enough years running away from the serious adulting of making more money while pursuing something meaningful. It is meaningful when it is sustainable, and it is sustainable if it makes money to support itself.

Be a bad ass swimmer (NOT Olympic levels okay?? Just on a personal level bad ass) – I’ve already signed up for swim classes with Swim Academy this January, with the intention of having formal instruction and better form after over 4 years of just teaching myself how to swim. And also as a way to gear myself up to join the VIP Lobo 2.5km Open Water Swim with Swim Junkie (after being so inspired when I helped out with their swim in El Nido) – I haven’t had enough courage to sign up for the swim yet, though I tell myself it’s because I haven’t figured out accommodations and don’t want to spend too much when I stay over.

Take up masters in environmental / social psychology – One of my previous coach-confidantes told me I was overly concerned with the academic credential and I didn’t need it. But 1.5 years later, I’m still thinking about it, and I don’t want to give up without a fight? If plan A falls through, I have a plan B. Bottomline is, I want to better understand and share knowledge and research about how we can best brainwash people for their well-being and the good of the planet.

Empower others to be carry forth the MUNI mission – Been saying this for a while now, but I’ve not been able to put the structures into place, perhaps due to laziness / lack of prioritization, but perhaps also largely because I didn’t want to relinquish control as well. In light of the intention to study and do other things with MUNI, the only way for me to sustain and grow it is by really involving others. So far, I’ve still had a lack of people stepping up to the plate, but perhaps I’ve also not done a very good job of making the plate more apparent and appealing thus far. I’m hoping to put the structures in place and take a leap and grow the regular working team from just me, to me and 2 other people.

Come out of my shell / step into the light more – Maybe it’s finally the year for a vlog? LOL. I’ve already started the transition of “getting out of my shell” by getting another domain for more professional purposes, instead of always hiding behind the pseudonym Nomad Manager (though everyone knows it’s really me anyway) since 2009. I’ve also changed my name in my major social media accounts, changing them from nomadmanager to jenhorn_ or whatever other iteration of my real name was still available on the platform. Though it’s annoying that I won’t have a straight up jenhorn across all platforms, I’ve found it pleasantly liberating to embrace myself more fully in this way. Besides, what does Nomad Manager mean to me now anyway? Even though I like my freedom, a “nomad” (to me, now vs. how I meant it before) indicates homelessness / lostness, and I want more foundation and certainty in my life now. And I want to feel “home” wherever I am, in that I know what the hell I’m doing vs. aimlessly meandering about. And “manager”, honestly, I don’t want to manage people. I want to maybe encourage, facilitate learning, coach, share insights, inspire, brainwash, but I don’t want to manage people.

“There is love in holding, and there is love in letting go.” – Elizabeth Berg

So, I guess that also means this may be my last real blog post here as I move on with a new chapter. (Though I’m still thinking about what I’ll do with my Letters to Self tradition here, and what content I’m comfortable sharing in my new domain.)

And again, life, you think you’re funny sometimes and like to throw curveballs from nowhere and mess up my plans. But I’ll make do. I’ll play what you’ll deal. So, up yours if you think you’ll completely throw me off. I may have to adjust, change and pivot, but I’ll keep on keeping on.

To brighter days ahead, Jen

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