i dont usually talk about this bc of The Shame but when i was a kid getting abused by my stepmother some of the ways she was fucking me up was that i was essentially not allowed access to the rest of our apartment outside of my bedroom and the bathroom (which i went in when the coast was clear). i was not permitted to eat meals with my family and had to eat in my room. i could not wash my bedsheets or my clothes as i didnt have access to the room in which we had the washing machine. i had piles of dirty dishes in my room bc i had to wait for my dad to take them out and wash them as i didnt go into the kitchen for fear of running into her. and my stepmother took to hiding the body wash and shampoo (presumably in their room?) after she was done showering, so the only thing i had to shower with was gel hand soap. i was sleeping in months old bedsheets that never got washed, on two moldy pieces of foam one could reluctantly call a bed, with bugs in my room, my hair was matted, my clothes smelled, i smelled. whenever i went back to my moms (who didnt know any of this as i was forbidden from talking about my dads home with her) she would yell at me and berate me for how disgusting and lazy i was.

i still feel dirty. i think ill feel dirty for the rest of my life. in my mind i am covered in some invisible layer of grime and stink that i never can really wash off. no amount of scrubbing can ever make me clean again. my relationship to hygiene has never healed from the abuse. i have entirely integrated the idea that i am a fundamentally dirty, lazy slob and that everyone can tell, everyone can smell and feel it on me and is just too polite to point out how disgusting they think i am.

i say this cause i really want to make it explicit where i stand on shaming people for their personal hygiene. at points in my life even when i had the opportunity to shower comfortably and regularly i didnt, bc after years of miserable conditions it felt so fucking daunting. id have to get in the shower and scrub myself until my skin was raw and stung under the water to even feel like the washing was actually doing anything. and the second i stepped out of the shower and started to dry myself i felt like the invisible film of dirt was building back up, like it was oozing out of me constantly and the only time i could hold it in was when i was actively cleaning it. pair that with the long despondent depressive phases of bipolar disorder and, yeah, i havent always showered regularly even when i technically could.

i dont fucking want to hear about how disgusting and gross you think i am/was or people who have similar issues are. so if youre gonna reblog a random ass poll i made keep your shit off my post. do not say anything about how disgusting you think people are if they dont wash themselves to your standards. just shut up ok.