ok two things. #1 i am IMPOSSIBLY exhausted. just took a nap for a couple hours and have been awake for a bit but i feel like ivr been whacked like a punching bag like good god. and #2 is gonna have to make me delete this post later bc i feel weird and bad and paranoid abt saying it lol but. it’s just fucking weird and bad kinda bc im literally 2 years older than / removed from the students who work closest with us rn (who i spent most of today tabling w) and it’s so awkward bc we’re at the same-ish life stages and ik we totally would’ve been friends if we’d gone thru the same programs together as students but they ignore me / don’t and can’t talk to me like we’re friends bc im a staff member and my attempts to talk to them are lame and weird so idk. it’s just a lot and stressful and sobering

,

Welcome bitches

My blog is back!!! No wait - my REAL blog is back. It's been so long. How i've missed blogging like the good old days. The time before PICTURES & captions took over. I still love pictures, but pictures can be faked. Blogs...well blogs can be faked too but it takes a lot more work to be fake. In this blog, it's gonna be so real, your mama sakit mata baca. 

I know I already have a blog (www.miriamomar.com) but that blog is only to talk about work and life related stuff that's super serious and super boring.  LETS BE REAL. I ain't gonna be swearing and dissing life crap in between posts about serious work stuff. ONE MUST SEPARATE THE TWO! My blogs are truly a reflection of my psyche. And these 2 blogs will show you two very different sides of me that I have (finally) come to terms with. 

On one side, I have this ~high achieving, give talks at conference, scholarship, academic, lecturer, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE, do the right thing goody two shoes~  side of myself. I call it my "Hermione" side. Which is really a big part of who I am. I can be extremely serious, philosophical and analytical "pseudo intellectual" bla bla bla. Basically, I have this complex about needing to KNOW EVERYTHING or else I would feel insecure and "unsafe". I also have an insatiable curiosity to understand the workings of the world and the true essence of being. Not many can follow my type of conversations. I know this because people start to yawn. My main hobby is to devour books and go around annoying people about what I read and telling them what to do (its true, i must stop I know im sorry everyone)

HOWEVER - this is not that blog. And this is not that side of myself that I would like to share to the world.. This space is for me to talk about THAT OTHER SIDE OF ME. The side that grew up in the depths of the longkangs in Kajang and Bangi. The side that got suspended in school multiple times because I asik dating dengan my boyfriend (now I realize it's just my "co-dependency" lol)  the side that tergolek in front of Zouk every Friday night (trauma symptoms lol) the side that your mama don't like and I have to cover-cover so your mama can still let you be friends with me!!! It's OK, don't worry, I won't be a bad influence this time around if I can help it. LOL

Well now, I have obviously mellowed out a lot. Like a LOT A LOT. I don't do crazy shit anymore. I have come to a place in my life that I have accepted my past and all the stuff I used to do (kak long kawasan etc etc) More on that bit later.

To be EXTREMELY honest, my life is not that interesting anymore. This is my first year of business as a full time artist, running Project MIRRO and part-time lecturing. I've been grinding and making ends meet like a robot. I haven't been out and about having a life since I got back from London in late 2017. I hardly get to see my friends or go out and lepak. I haven't dated at all. In fact,  I haven't met a new person of the opposite sex who isn't a business acquaintance or gay since 2017. And it's one more month to 2020. I'm not getting any younger either. Im 31 turning 32. and I totally don't have a life, let alone a LOVE LIFE. Oh My God 2.0. (Its okay I have more to say about this part it's not the end of the world)

Today I am supposed to work on a new collection release for Project MIRRO. I will do it right after I write this blog I PROMISE. It's just that, sometimes I have no more fuel to burn to run my life. Working alone in isolation, it gets to you sometimes. As an introvert, ITS GREAT, but it also has its downfall. MOTIVATION. This shit can't appear out of thin air ok. Bukan boleh beli online add to cart "Motivation" I'm literally that girl that has not seen the world and people in over 2 days. This could go up to 2 weeks. I'm just super comfortable on my own in my own world. I love it, I really do. TAPI, I know it's not good for me. I believe if im out and about, mixing and talking with people, I will probably get more income for my business. I know it. I dont know why I don't do it (malas sebenarnya) 

I have to say though, I have a pretty comfy studio..I dont feel the need to go out. I am very much comfortable in this space for me to create and be myself. But I also know that perhaps its not the best time for me to be in isolation at such an early phase of my new "art career" whatever that means. Whatever im going through now reminds me of how I was at my first job back in 2012. I am starting all over again, learning all over again with this new life path. Its hard, uncomfortable, and super consuming. And im doing it, LEGIT, all alone. Mana tak rasa cam kepala nak meletup. Obviously kepala I dah meletup a few times. Then I realized its because I don't have a new outlet to release stress. I used to paint to release stress but now it's my job. I need something ELSE. 

I've been playing music again, writing songs again (im NOT gonna show it to anyone I would probably die of embarrassment)So it seems like, sejak dua menjak ni, I feel the need to EXPRESS. To write again. To "communicate" without leaving my nest. This is the next best thing la for me since I am such a pemalas to mandi and pakai baju. I've been in the same kaftan for 2 days. WOOOTT. This is the best thing abt working from home. NOBODY CARES WHAT U WEAR!! But don't worry I totally mandi and gosok gigi for you aunties gasping and gossiping about this anak dara tak senonoh. Ishhhh.

Anyway, whatsup people? How are you guys? How is life?????!! I just realized back then when I wrote in this blog (with the same name), I had READERS. I just never really read the comments or participated in my "community" of readers. I should've. I will try do better this time and get conversations going. Reply and all that. PARTICIPATE. 

Ok its already 1.15pm now and I really need to get back to work. I have lots to rant about later malam sikit bila dah sunyi sepi and lonely lolol. Thanks for reading. Goodbye for now.

@uberoll-oystercrackers late night (early morning?) posting here but this is super nice ty and also again retroactively thank you additionally for all the long replies & kind tags you give

like really yeah it’s like, on the one hand, it’s fairly sucky having to have this thing where im always jumping the gun on considering someone Maybe An Friend and then having to remind myself / be reminded of the fact that like no probably not, which is true and yet sucks, which is just how some stuff is!! like sometimes stuff just is Not Good and is not ever going to Not Hurt, despite the fact you can kinda get better at living with it. and like this one isnt a huge deal even tho the larger problem of when ur like, lonely &/or isolated is kind of a whole real deal……

like it’s strange having these contradictory problems with it…..like, Being Myself has never really just been something i can Naturally do, so even just trying to be nice is like oh lord am i being ~manipulative~, and im always too prone to treat interactions like ive got to placate the other person, and then also just like….not having amazing social skills anyways in the sense that i know a lot of times i come across ~off~ to people and can’t really do a lot about that, but also, i feel like i’m always overcompensating for like, enthusiasm and just the fact i like to Get Silly and maybe i’ll act too cool~n~collected or come off like im trying to be all Smart and Smarmy and like jeez no……it doesnt help that when i was younger i generally preferred interacting with adults and so probably was trying to come across as clever and when i was wanting someone to like me i’d be real nervous and try to go too hard in seeming the opposite lol……oh the legacy of the time i found out my mom’s childhood friend who was funny and cool to us thought i was bookish (true) but like also snobby or something lmao like ah jeez i probably made too many sarcastic jokes about things….but oh well i was just like 10-ish at the time.

anyways tho i feel like that still kicks in and when i get the sense someone is cool and it’d be cool if they thought i was cool too i’m like Well So Then i gotta PLAY it cool!! and then like oh no am i coming across as a jerk? or an trying-to-be-an-intellectual?? i always have a lot of thoughts and i do go off when its like, also tied in to Opinions of mine, so im like, oh no am i coming across as trying to tell someone i think they should think exactly this?? or if i try to Be Witty and Tell Jokes are they just coming off as snarky b/c i hope not especially since a lot of times my actual Lighthearted Snark gets read as “i hate this and think its dumb af” lol. ahhhh i just do not know!! like, i wanna sort of dial back my Warmth b/c i can get enthused fast and i have a tendency to get too attached to ppl too fast, which really only sucks for me, but still!! yet i dont wanna rein it in too much and try to overcompensate and come off like im Eternally Unimpressed and don’t really care and etc etc and just…..idk its wild it’s hard to tell how i may be socializing awkwardly lmao ahhh….and on top of it all, i manage to be godawful at realizing when other ppl actually like me. like, that sort of sounds like The Opposite but i guess its just more of that problem of thinking that im going to always bother people….a lot of times it takes me like, months or a year (or two or three) to realize that someone who willingly interacts w me during that time probably does genuinely like me and is maybe a friend. wrow

uhhhh anyways lord that was all just. tangentially related. im Tangents

UH more to the point!!!! the good news is that yeah i don’t have to think “oh we’re totally real bffs” about anyone to really enjoy and appreciate Our Interactions…..and like i do have real appreciation and gratitude for basically all nice attention lol like, if a single reblog of smthing has kind comments, if someone cool just Likes a few posts, talking on occasion or like, ever at all. cuz for real The Little Stuff has always been a really good thing for years now, especially since there’s been plenty of times i havent really had anything happening In Person that was like….good interactions or ppl who were able to hear my actual thoughts and feelings about whatever and still be interested in interacting with me. cuz in terms of not being isolated and in what i find it easy to talk about and how, Online Interactions have been genuinely important and impactful in a positive way for like a solid decade now since i was able to be consistently Online and have my own accounts and stuff in the first place

so like yeah totally i really do appreciate stuff like that. i think its pretty incredible whenever anybody just like, thinks of me, and likes me. having None Of That Feeling is supremely trash and i so appreciate that i don’t have to feel like there’s nothing and that nobody out there in the world is aware of me, and yet i don’t need it to be that like, anyone is Constantly aware of me and like, intensely invested, cuz that’s just not how it goes lol and even kinda meaning a little bit to someone and having my tiny presence in their life be a positive one is a great thought and i really do appreciate it. Unfortunately for like….my entire life, The Contempt Of Others has been a consistent #thing i’m dealing with and it’s not great!! like yeah fortunately ive had the “felt so bad about myself that it eventually circled back around and now self loathing isnt too much of an issue for me” thing, but it still sucks experiencing it lol…..having any testimonials that like, whatever shit im talking about @ myself is fun to read, or i seem okay, or its fun to talk, etc etc, like thats fantastic really

and the kinds of leaf thoughts too, yeah, that kind of thing is nice to know too lol. i was hoping you were ok like, ten hours before i saw you posting again lol…..we’re out here……..

like yeah ldmbgglh whatever my weird problems are with being overexcited abt any Potential Friendship, and also being bad at realizing if people do like me, and also just being Weird and not great at talking, and overcompensating for whatever and maybe coming across too Coldly when rly im a fiery dumbass, wanting friends but also wanting not to be burned by getting ahead of things and being reminded that most ppl aren’t like, as starved for even just friendly interactions……..i’m better at navigating and handling it in some ways but c’est a m’ess!!! aaaggbfg

really what im trying to say is i do appreciate that sort of thing a lot yeah. i could very well Not be thought of by anybody and that would suck and the fact that i get to know that i am is a really great thing. maybe i couldve said this all better last night cuz i was kinda in my feelings abt Life a little but then also it was in a sort of déspresso way so, maybe this is okay lol….

also i worry i don’t express affection and appreciation enough!!! it’s not that i’m like Oh i don’t want to Commit to Being Friends ew…..it’s that i don’t wanna be the one pressuring someone else into being like uh oh i have to play up being invested in milo!! but then maybe my playing-it-cool just makes other ppl do the same thing or think i don’t care or something. like oh i appreciate this person a ton and think they’re great and they’ve been kind to me but if we only talk so often and obviously im not There for them and involved in their life in the way a ~real friend~ would be, maybe it would just ring hollow to say i love them, for example. lord lol……. it’s all “oh don’t dial down your kindness and affection” and yet also “but don’t wanna inadvertently push other people or Be Weird or get myself invested in something where i don’t mean as much to the other person not cuz they suck but because like, of course im just a fun internet acquaintance, which is fine!!” ahhhhhh the challenges. anyways!!!!!!!

the point is well i do like ppl yeah and i really appreciate ppl liking me. every now and then they do it online or even in person and thats just a Joy and i wish things were more secure!!! i also have to not even necessarily want ppl to get invested in me in case things go to shit too soon or whatever and it doesnt help that ~being open~ means talking abt depressingass stuff sometimes that like, i don’t mind being open about, but i also don’t want to put on other ppl. which, sidenote on that, im feeling relatively alright all these recent months even if im not technically thriving; it’s okay. it’s a hot mess! but that’s just How It Is sometimes!! it’s what it is. and ive had support from ppl in big and small ways that i know i could have had to go without and all the ways ppl are nice to me count for a whole lot and i have appreciated it, and do appreciate it, and will continue to appreciate it.

tldr 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

05/09/22 - monday, 7:56pm

listening to: les - childish gambino

cw: drugs, pet death, s/h (ng) below ‘keep reading’

!: minors dni

somehow i can’t seem to remember much of anything anymore. if i want to keep important dates saved i have to put them in my calendar, like anniversaries and paydays and birthdays and stuff, which i feel is normal anywayz since we’re all prone to forget, but it’s like... if i don’t write what happened in that very moment that it’s happening, i’m not gonna remember the event, yk? which is probably why i post so much on my spam abt how my day’s been and what i did and the like. even though most of it is incomprehensible, i can still understand what im trying to say, like it triggers the memory back in my brain again even if nothing is being recalled. it’s more like i remember writing about the event more than i remember the event itself, ykwim? it’s kinda inconvenient though bc i have the tendency to leave out the bad parts of the memory bc i do write these posts in a public space (regardless of how many people actually find this), so we have a mishmash of... whatever

i don’t remember much of what i did yesterday, since it was sunday and sundays i usually spend doing nothing but waiting for the next day to start so i can pass the time doing something. i don’t really have much motivation to finish school at this point, and my brain has such a hard time processing information that i doubt going back to school will accomplish anything other than making me feel bad for not being a straight-A student anymore. i tell people like it’s a party trick, “i used to be smart! i was set to go to an ivy league school :)”, which is partly true - if i didn’t fall into drugs in my junior and senior year, i could’ve very easily gone to any ivy league school i wanted to (altho knowing my mom she wouldn’t have let me gone any further than uic, considering how close it is to where we currently live).

growing up i used to be the kind of kid who just... got it. without any effort. i took those little standardized tests and finished in half an hour; my teachers would tell me to stop going so fast and to take my time, but i couldn’t stand to sit still enough to really take those tests seriously and i ended up in the highest... fucking, percentage anyway that they let me get away with it. considering that i was also the only mexican kid in a class full of white people, as well as in the “gifted” class, i would say that i did pretty well for myself up until my junior year of high school. 

everything has always been kind of lonely, i think. i was popular enough, and always had huge groups of friends, but i was never really allowed to go outside to see them outside of school; i never went on play dates, unless they were cousins, never had sleepovers outside of falling asleep at parties my parents were invited to, wasn’t allowed to go out in the courtyards of the apartment complexes we were always bouncing from to play with the other kids in the neighborhood. i really only had myself to keep me company. so being isolated through all my formative years really fucked with my head. im so emotionally stunted that i can’t... form meaningful connections with others, or not ones that last very long. i form unhealthy attachments to people bc i think that i still am not used to not being alone that whenever i do find someone who likes me enough to sit alone with me, i either a) get scared of getting too accustomed to having company, and self sabotage; or b) i do get accustomed to having company, get scared of being abandoned, and self sabotage. and it’s not like i do it purposefully, its just... it’s difficult for me to be with someone like that, romantically or otherwise. does that make sense?

ANYWAYZ i don’t remember doing much on sunday; sundays are always my least favorite days of the week, along with mondays, and saturday mornings, and night time. i rely on my favorite person so much, and it’s gotten somewhat better, but i only ever really feel okay whenever i have their full, undivided attention. i’ve told them they were ONE OF my favorite people in the world, which is true, but i don’t know if they know that i meant it in the bpd way, like “no, you are my FP, and i rely on you to feel okay” which - by the way, isn’t that so???? fucked up???? in a way??? in know it’s sort of uncontrollable, in the sense that we can’t really,,,, we can’t really stop from feeling this way? we can choose who our FP is, but to an extent it is involuntary.... right? idk i don’t speak to a therapist

BACK to the my main point, the reason i don’t like certain days or times of the week and day is bc that’s when they’re the busiest, or when we’re the most out of sync, since they do live across the country and although our timezones are only an hour off, and our work-school schedule is roughly around the same time, they have other responsibilities and obligations and friends and things going on outside of me and... and i don’t really have much going on these days, to be honest. work is always the same; too short and too exhausting, and i don’t have any classes to keep me busy; all of my friends are in school studying out of state, or our schedules don’t align enough for us to talk or hang out regularly; i stopped going on dates out of boredom so i can’t fucking see anyone either that way,,, and im not really in a specific fandom or community or club or whatever to do other stuff. 

i once again end up isolating from the whole world.

my guinea pig died in the early hours, alone, in her cage, after living a very long, nine years of quiet solitude. she didn’t have a cagemate, mostly because when we adopted her we didn’t know that guinea pigs were social animals and needed constant company, but we always greeted her daily, fed her and played with her and took her outside when the weather was warm or let her play in the apartment with our two other cats.

and i loved her, for how little she did and for how little i actually saw of her; she wasn’t actually my pet, she was my younger sister and brother’s more than mine, but i saw her every day when i was still in school, and i played with her and fed her and changed her water and bedding and bought her hay and food pellets and carrots and fruit. and i did end up crying sporadically throughout the day after i found out she died - im still crying right now thinking about her, to be honest. she’s lived with us for so long, and she was always a constant in our lives; if nothing was ever the same, we knew that she would always be the same: fat, squeaky, talkative, cute, old as hell. she arrived in my life, specifically, after i was discharged from a behavioral hospital for self harming, and we named her after a girl i met very briefly, whom i never formed a particularly close connection to, but her name came up when we were deciding on what to name the guinea pig and i thought it was such a cool name.

and we loved her, so much. she became a part of our unit. all throughout middle school, high school, my first two years at college she was there. and i never thought to take a single photograph of her. 

there was nothing remarkable about her, and she died, and that’s that. at least she got to see the weather finally get warm again before she left. and i hope that she knew that she was loved. even if she would be too stupid to understand our feelings for her.

now im left with a sudden emptiness. and it’s not really that unbearable, compared to how i’ve felt before, but it hurts enough to make me cry without prompting. 

secretly i hope someone will one day feel the same way about me, but there’s a difference between an unremarkable guinea pig and an unremarkable human - at least one of us never had anything more to accomplish than eat carrots and squeak those little squeaks that woke my mom up early in the morning before she had to be up to go to work.

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

170918: 1

everyone i hear and everything i read says i should leave. i would never let my little sister or friend be with a person like him. so why cant i? why do i still want him? why do i think that he has what i want? he’s just an empty shell. he’s just manipulating me. he’s an asshole. but i just want to give him more chances. i just want to feel THAT whatever the fuck it is im feeling. im not even in love with him, im just obsessed with the feeling. its everything ive ever wanted. safety and unconditional love. from a sociopath??? safety from someone so impulsive and unpredictable? unconditional love from someone who cant even feel basic empathy? HAAH.

i know with every bone in my body that i dont want to be with this person. i JUST had a fredh start, i dont want to be ruined again. i dont want to be destroyed again. not again. not so soon. i wouldnt be able to get up this time. i really wouldnt. i KNOW FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART that i DONT WANT to be with a sociopath who cant fucking ever love me in a normal way, who cant ever respect my feelings in a normal way. i DONT WANT to spend my precious time on someone like him

so WHY is this so hard? ffs i didnt even realise i was obsessed until my mom and ex challenged me to not talk to him for a week. its not like i was super engaged and texted him all the time, but now when i KNOW i cant talk to him…. fucking abstinence. i feel like shit?? ive known this guy for max a month and i feel like absolute shit. i feel lonely and worthless without him, which is weird because i know my mom and ex loves me so much more than he’ll ever be able to do. i feel ashamed like im disappointing him. i feel WEAK for letting my emotional ass get manipulated like this

he didnt even have to do much tbh. its not like he’s giving me attention and love 24/7, he’s pretty……… normal?? maybe its not the attention i want. maybe its his intellect. he seems so sure of himself and as i said, i can identify myself in him. i want to think good of him because i want to think good of me. that i deserve to be happy like him.

this is so dangerous im so fucked. at least i cant smell him on my skin anymore (omg pls i sound like a fkn creep, do u know how much i’ll cringe over this when this is all over 😔😔). ive become obsessed with other ppl too, thats why i partly want to blame myself and not him. the difference is that those were good people. normal people. they realised that im fucked up and unstable so they ditched me before i could start anything. this little fella right here doesnt. he wants to control people, we’re a perfect fuxking match made in heaven.

fuck keep your head, keep your head. i low key regret i ever told my mom and my sister and thats dangerous. i will NOT hold secrets to them. if i do i’ll only turn to him. i’ll isolate myself. not because he tells me to, he wouldn’t need to be that controlling. i’d do it automatically because i want to. fuck me. i want to meet him. i want to cuddle with him just one more time. just a little longer. i want to hear his voice, i want him to sweet-talk me to sleep. i want to live in his little dream world and let him live for me. im too tired anyways and he knows that. i always tell him things before i realise myself. one of the first things i said was that he makes me feel safe and calm and that i just want to give in. ive told him so many things because i cant shut the fuck up and hold my feelings and thoughts to myself. im too anxious, i need constant reassurance because i dont trust mysef

one day i wont need my mom or my ex. one day i will be able to make these decisions completely on my own. and when i can do that, i wont have to be afraid of people like him using me. i will be able to be with him….. what the fuxk is that my motivation again? ”recover and heal so you can be with this sociopath?” as long as i want to be with him im not recovered right. its when i DONT want to be with him right

wow im so proud and happy i recognised this so early though. in that way its kinda good i dont shut up but have to talk to my mom all the time so she can give me advice. i mean if i didnt tell her, i’d probably go back to him. i’ll probably go back to to him again after this week is over. thats how fucking much i miss him. i cant eat, sleep or think. i dont even watch any series anymore. i dont know what the fuck is up with bts or anything. i cant study. i want to go back. i want to sleep next to him. i want to hear his heartbeat and i feel his scent. i want him to play with my hair and smile when he kisses me. i want to sleep with him. but i can absolutely the fuck not let that happen holy shit

he was right abt that. i wasnt aware but its true i need an emotional bond to sleep with someone. thats probably why i got this weird mating/impregnation kink anyways EW SORRY FOR TOO MUCH INFORMATION I HATE IT BUT I CANT HELP IT. I DONT WANNA BE USED AS A SEX TOY OR BABY MACHINES BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…… the intimacy. if i were to let myself have sex with this manwhore, this really fkn horny bastard…….. i would basically try to bond with him again. i want to be a hoe, i want to be promsicous but i dont think i can

fuck that makes me so sad though for real. ive been aromantic and asexual for like 2 years, i was honestly scared i’ll never feel anything anymore. then i met him and i was so HAPPY THAT FINALLY I KNOW HOW TO BE IN LOVE AND SEXUALLY ATTRACTED AGAIN but SIKE, he’s a fucking sociopath it doesnt even count bitch. erasw him from your mind and you’ll realise that you still dont find anyone in this fuxking world attractive

fuck me in the asshole, someone save me. someone tell me WHY cant i be with him? who cares? i just want to die anyways right. i mean he makes me feel stuff i obviously want to feel. im obsessed, its my drug. its the easy way and im too tired to fight anyways. i just want to sleep. i just want to be taken care of. he could do that for me. everyone would be happy, he could brainwash me until i no longer have any individuality. great, right? would he really do that though? in a very subtle way in that case. he’s smart, he wouldnt want anyone to notice

i wonder how he feels about his diagnosis. if he likes it, dislikes it…. he said he was jealous of ppl who can feel empathy and that he used to feel it when he was younger. lost it when he was around 13. but like…… that could be bullshit because he only says shit after my reaction. he only started with his ”maybe it will come back” crap after he realised how……… not attracted i an to his sociopathy

and i wanna be a good person. i want to ve openminded. I IF ANYONE WANT TO UNDERSTAND SOCIOPATHS AND PSYCHOPATHS BECAUSE I MYSELF LOW KEY FEEL LIKE ONE, ALSAYS HATED AND DESPISED BY ANYONE AND EVERYONE. but wow…. when it comes to it i really cant. i feel superior. what the fuck is wrong with him. i feel sorry for him. this guy cant fucking feel basic love how sad isnt that. he’s a machine. a master ar disguise. he only lives to use. thats so fucked up

its scary how im isolating myself without him even telling me to. like he encourages me to talk to my mom and ex and get to know people and do my thing. right now its like im living in a bubbel. when im with him im in a bubble. i had trouble going to school yesterday because i was so caught up. when i meet other people its like i realise wow ih yeah im here. thats why in panicking. thats why i want to meet so many new people again now. i stopped chatting with people after i met him but now i feel like i have to.

he was worried i was rebounding with him after my ex. its more like the other way around. im trying to rebound from him. im trying to meet someone else like him so i can forget about him, but no one else is as interesting or as smart or as charming as him. its fucked up. je is a great guy…… uh…… if youre not in my position and let yourself get manipulated and used. i would NEVER have guessed if it wasnt for me being in love (or smth) and therefore wanting to know his TRUE intentions/feelings with out relationship whatever the fuck it is. i didnt understand his ”im just interested, it takes time for me to like someone”. but then we continued to fight and i realised this fuxker doesnt know how to stop, he doesnt feel guilt or regret

can i still be friends with him though? like he’s super smart i’d love to hear his advice on certain things. WAIT. why the fuck do i even want to be his friend?? hes still a fucking weirdo and you still dont know his intentions……. what if im overthnking? what if he’s avtually nice? NO ITS NOT BICE TO FORCE SOMEONE TO DEINK COFFEE ITS NOT NICE TO THREATEN SOMEONE TO TAKE AWAY THE BLANKET IF I DONT DRINK HIS COFFE AND TEELS HIM IT TASTES GOOD. ITS NOT NIXE TO GUILT TRIP ME OR ACCUSE ME OF TRYING TO MANIPULATE HIM WHEN HE JUST HURT MY FEELINGS SO MUCH I STATTED TO CRY. ITS NOT NICE TO ACCUSE ME OF GASLIGHTING WHEN I AVCUSED HIM FIRST OF GASLIGHTING.

im scared of him. im scared that he’ll be angry if i tell anyone about this