#i just dont want to drink alcohol anymore. period. even when i was having a breakdown i didnt want to drink. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

skiasurveys · 1 year

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its been a MINUTE.

Do you get a lot of tourists in the area where you live?

- Not really, we only get people here when theres like an event once a year lmao

If so, are there more tourists during a particular time of the year?

- never but if we do it’s the summer

What artistic medium or style seems to have the greatest impact on you emotionally?

-paintings and poetry

If you make art, do you have a favorite medium or style that you prefer to use or that best helps you express yourself emotionally?

- painting and writing

What’s the strangest or most interesting compliment you’ve ever received?

-that i have a nice voice bc i hate my voice lol

If you have a phone that supports apps, do you have a favorite game you like to play?

- i hardly play phone games

Do you prefer to shop online or in an actual store and why?

online it’s easier and i don’t have to deal with ppl lmao

Have you taken surveys on anything other than LiveJournal or Xanga?

-here but i havent done them in so long lmao

What’s been your favorite site to take them on and why?

- Tumblr since it’s the only one active

Have you recently made or been trying to make a change in your lifestyle?

- yessss

Why have you made or why’re you making this change and how has it been going?

- I hate myself & need to grow up

Do you enjoy watching vlogs?

- depends, not as much anymore

If so, are there any specific people or topics you enjoy watching in particular?

- mental health maybe? it depends. i like to hear people rant or talk abt their life lmao i rly like drew monsons videos

When was the last time you said something you shouldn’t have?

- when havent i lmao

Do you save letters and cards you receive?

- no, i used too but they just take up space ( i only keep if its rly something i should keep)

Do you have multiple calendars in your room, if you have any at all?

- no but i want one

What is or are the theme(s) of your calendar(s)?

- n/a

What do you take into consideration when deciding whether or not to read a book?

- if its interesting enough to read since i dont have time to read

What was the last new video game you were excited about?

honestly i dont even know anymore

How would you describe your job?

- im not working rn but im in school, so graphic design

What’re you hungry for?

- nothing lol

What’s your favorite color?

- yellow, pine or pink

What’s the oddest thing you have in your bedroom that someone would be surprised to find and why is it there?

- back scratcher

Have you ever broken a bed or other furniture during sex?

- No

What do you sleep in?

- usually a oversize tee and shorts

Would you play naked Twister?

- maybe if i had a partner

You’ve been invited to a lingerie party at the Playboy Mansion, so do you accept and if so, what do you wear?

-i would if i got accepted bc like ..that would be dope as fuck. i would wear something cute but flirty

What’s the longest period of time that you’ve gone without a shower?

- prob a week

Haagen-Dazs or Ben & Jerry’s?

- ben and jerrys

What’s always in your refrigerator?

- some form of a drink

What’s your favorite cookie?

- oatmeal raisin

What’s your favorite type of weather?

- warm but not too cold or hot. i like rainy weather too

Which do you prefer, giving or receiving?

- both

What’s your favorite word?

- i dont rly have one

Who do you live with?

- my mom and sister

Do you exercise regularly and if so, how often?

- i dont but i need too

Do you have any piercings and if yes, how many and where are they?

- no but i need to get my ears done soon

Do you have tattoos and if yes, how many and where are they?

- none but planning on getting one

Do you like to dance?

- yeah but im bad at it

Have you ever been skinny dipping?

- Nope

Do you drink alcohol and if yes, how often?

- yeah and socially. i used to drink a lot so im cutting back on it

Do you smoke and if yes, how much?

-No

When you die, would you rather be buried or cremated?

- buried or donate my body to science

Have you been told you can sing well more than once?

- no lmao

What’re three physical features you get complimented on a lot?

- Hair, eyes, or my voice

What’s one word to describe your last sexual encounter?

- bad

Who’s a current friend that you’ve known the longest?

- sasha

Who’s someone you can tell just about anything to?

- kyra

#surveys #survey

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leejihoonownsmyheart · 3 years

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Long Night

requestttt~ angst w mingyu? i read that he tends to drink through the night when he drinks and hmm maybe theres a period where its gotten to where its every night.. i dont mean make him an alcoholic or that he is but maybe a fic where y/n really worries about him

Mingyu was possibly your closest friend.

That... Was sadly about it.

You two had been close since you were young, and as such you knew him really well. He was a very outgoing person who loved to be around people. Sometimes he could be a little bit over enthusiastic, and his eagerness to be around people made him a little annoying to most.

That was good for you because it meant that he spent a lot of time with you.

Whenever he needed someone to be there for him. Whether he was sick, or playing video games, or simply wanted someone to go to the store with him you were there. You loved being by his side, no matter whether or not it was rainy or sunny.

You loved talking to Mingyu, you loved listening to him. He surprisingly had a lot to say for such a large man. He was a little dumb sometimes, he had a tendency to say things that got him made fun of, but that was part of the allure for you.

He was adorable when the boys were digging in on him and his face turned red, and his eyes fell to the ground. The way his lips would turn up a little as he tried (and failed) to defend himself.

You couldn’t help but defend him for him, telling the others to give him a break.

All in all, you loved to spend time with Mingyu.

Especially when it came to the things, he loved the most. Your favorite memory with him was when you had sat in Mingyu’s room, sitting cross-legged on his bed, watching in admiration while Mingyu painted a painting he had been working on for ages.

You loved it when he got inspired and worked on his art. He was good at it, and always surprisingly humble. He was amazing at taking great photos of you- he was the reason for all of your followers alone- and everyone was always jealous of the cute boy that was sometimes in your selfies on Instagram.

But despite how willing you were to spend all your time with Mingyu, sometimes he went through emotions that everyone went through. The sort of thoughts that simply made people human. You always knew when Mingyu was going through it because he didn’t answer your texts right away.

So, when the worst happened and after an hour you heard no words from Mingyu, you decided to go visit him and what you found was almost worst then anything you had imagined.

He had been drinking.

“Mingyu,” you mumbled softly. You touched his shoulder, but the action made Mingyu shrug you off. He grunted and took another swig of his beer.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Mingyu mumbled. “I’m just...”

He trailed off staring blankly at the pile of beer bottles that had accumulated on the floor.

“I’m just upset, I’m not going to do anything stupid.”

You sighed and took Mingyu’s bottle from his hand. You set it down on his side table and climbed into Mingyu’s lap.

“Just because you aren’t going to do anything stupid doesn’t mean I’m not worried,” you murmured softly. You readjusted Mingyu’s shirt and patted his chest. “Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s-”

You interrupted Mingyu by looking at him with a serious expression. He sighed.

“Why does nobody ever want to hang out with me?” Mingyu asked. “How come the guys have text groups without me, and won’t play video games with me, and won’t ever-”

“It’s because they are busy doing other things,” you replied. “And just because they don’t want to spend all their time with you doesn’t mean they don’t love you.”

“But you love me, and you want to spend all your time with me.”

Your heart skipped a beat, but you pressed down the feeling. You nodded and looked away from Mingyu.

“I... I love you in a different way then they love you.”

Mingyu fell silent and he nodded solemnly.

“You’re always there for me, aren’t you?” Mingyu asked you. You climbed off of his lap and gestured for Mingyu to follow you. Mingyu got up to his feet, and took a single step, but as he did, he stumbled. You were quick to be by his side and draped his arm over your shoulders.

“Be careful Gyu,” you murmured. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

Mingyu was a pretty big guy, and you knew that you wouldn’t be able to move until he took a step forward. But he didn’t budge as you tried to pull him forward.

“Mingyu-”

“WHy are you always so nice to me?” Mingyu asked. You blinked.

“What?”

“You’re always so kind and caring. You always look out for me, even though I tease you and I’m annoying and am constantly asking for all your attention.”

“Because,” you mumbled. “I’m your friend.” Mingyu stared at you.

“That’s what friends do?” He asked. You tried to get him to move by lolling your head over slightly.

“That’s what friends do.”

He finally took a step forward, and let you lead him carefully to his bedroom. You set him down on his bed and took Mingyu’s shirt by the hem. Mingyu was quiet- careful not to say a word to you. You didn’t want to bring up any conversation anymore, so you quietly just removed his shirt and turned away from him.

“I’m gonna get your pjs from the closet okay? You’re gonna brush your teeth and then change and then go to bed.” “Okay mom,” Mingyu drawled. You rolled your eyes and got into his closet- picking out a pair of pajamas that you had bought him for Christmas one year. Once he had gotten changed you led him over to his bed and laid him down.

“You’re such a good friend,” Mingyu mumbled sleepily as he rolled over in his bed.

You sighed softly and began to tuck Mingyu into his bed.

Yes, Mingyu was your closest friend, and you were totally and completely in love with him.

#Kim Mingyu #b: 집착소년 #Mingyu Fanfiction #Mingyu Fanfic #Seventeen Fanfiction #Seventeen Fanfic #Svt Fanfiction #Svt Fanfic #Kpop Fanfiction #Kpop Fanfic #Mingyu Angst #Kpop #Kpop Seventeen

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lawschoolruinedme · 4 years

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I just need to write this all out because I can’t keep having it bouncing in my head

Where do I start? I married an addict. I know this. I knew that. For better or for worse means you stand by someone as they struggle to be a better person.

A year into our marriage my mom unexpectedly died. I was already dealing with my own personal complicated relationship with alcohol, and it was easier to drink than to deal with the trauma. But I kept going. Kept moving forward.

My husband’s drinking got bad. His mood got worst. He hated his job. He felt isolated from his few friends; we had moved cities for my work, and he had still not recovered from the pre-me life of being a barfly, where your fellow drinkers feel as close to friends as your lifestyle can sustain.

Two years after my mom died, we attempted therapy. He did not take well to it; the therapist was clear he thought my husband was depressed and struggling and he didn’t think my husband was doing anything to help himself. My husband decided he wanted to stop going. I went a few more times myself. I knew we couldn’t sustain the place we were in.

I told my husband two years ago that if he did not get a handle on himself, I was done. I would told him I wanted to leave. And he asked me for a chance to be better. He acknowledged how bad he had been. We agreed to plan on working forward together.

I always knew my husband enjoyed his beer. He would be fine one second and then the next I would have to make excuses for us to leave whatever social situation we were in. It was like there was no tipsy warning period.

When I was a kid, I knew my mom liked to drink. I didn’t realize how much my parents were drinking until I was an adult. I didn’t realize how often the opaque coffee tumblrs were actually filled with vodka. I didn’t realize how long it would take a normal person to go through a 40 oz bottle. I didn’t realize that was likely where much of our money was going.

A few years after we had been together, my husband and I had been visiting my family when my husband turns to me and says “wow your Mom is drunk, huh?” and it was like... the scene in HIMYM with the glass breaking realization? That was me. Everything wild and fun about my mom was the alcohol. Every conversation she couldn’t seem to remember and brushed off as though there were too many things in her head? That was the vodka talking. I started to recognize the slur in her words. I started to know I had to set times in which I could talk to her - any later than 5pm her time was a lost cause. It changed how I handled her. It changed how I related to her.

My husband used to qualify his drinking. So long as he didn’t miss a day of work, he said, he wasn’t that bad.

After I told him I wanted to leave, things really did get better. He stopped falling asleep on the couch. I stopped seeing the glassy eyes. He was sleeping better. We were having sex again.

And in that period of things getting better, we got pregnant. I had conquered my own demons at that point. Even before I realized I was pregnant and had to, I had quit most drinking. I did not nurse myself to bed with wine to numb myself to sleep. And so quitting for pregnancy, and effectively staying dry and sober for breast feeding came easy to me. Nowadays, one drink gets me a happy buzz. And unless I was away from my daughter, I wouldn’t want any more than that.

My husband took parental leave. We would do sleep shifts with the baby; trading off for six or eight hours so the other could be human. And after a few months, I was due to go back to the office.

I told him, unequivocally, I would not be drinking when the baby was awake. I asked him to please consider doing the same. He had been doing so well - this felt like the logical next step?

Instead, the few months I spent at the office it seemed like his drinking became this money pit that our fragile finances couldn’t sustain. One month he spent $1,000 on beer and liquor. But he hadn’t been glassy eyed? He hadn’t passed out on the couch? I still cannot reconcile how he was drinking ~ 10 beers a day (yes, I did the math) and had seemed so normal?

Things came back under control when he returned to work. I chalked it up to the restlessness of being home, the isolation of spending most of the day with the baby who was only just then starting to seem like a little person herself. I hadn’t seen the signs of the man who had once fallen in the street. I told myself it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t as bad, and I could live with it if it kept getting better.

We have spent many weekends this year camping. It is basically the only covid-safe activity we can find given the baby’s age and my husband’s asthma. In pre-baby days, we used to nurse drinks through the whole day, sitting around the fire and reading. I told my husband, in no uncertain terms, he is the only driver, and I expected that he would be sober and ready to drive if something were to happen to the baby.

Five camping trips. Twice he broke that rule. It was often a matter of “shove some carbs into him and he became human again”, but I still felt sad. Still felt lonely. Still felt like this was a reminder that I was hanging onto hope of things getting better by the thinnest thread.

And this weekend, as I’m trying to explain to him what my parents drinking did to me, what I don’t want it to do to our daughter, how he is almost forty and he needs to start seriously considering that this could kill him, he tells me (as if it was good? I still dont understand) that when it was at its worst, when it was so bad before I threatened to leave him, that I didn’t know how bad it was. That I didn’t know he was often having a beer before leaving for work at 7am. That I didn’t know he was often sharing beers with the guys at work in the cooler at the shop. That I didn’t know how much he had been hiding from me.

This. This is where I have not been able to keep thinking. I know the narrative that led to this place. I know every decision I have made has led me to my daughter.

But how do I deal with this knowledge. How do I deal with the flippancy of what he told me. How do I trust when it has become so clear that my own hawk-eyed observance, of tracking how much is purchased, on hiding the liquor bottles when his mood is bleak, that it was never enough.

How do I trust any of the progress that has been made is real? How do I believe that any of it even is progress anymore - and not just cleverly disguised from me?

I feel like that girl who had her whole perception of her Mom shattered all over again. Who once again has realized that her intuition, her attention, was so wrong.

#personal

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entropychanges · 4 years

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Tell me what you’ll do, please

So, Michael, dripping like a wet mop on the restaurant’s tile floor, stood silently as he looked between the sister of the girl whose murder he covered up only two months ago, and his lover who would rather be sent off to war than be with him. Great. He swallowed, figuring he may as well break the silence.

“Sorry, I wasn’t sure if-”

“The kitchen is closed,” Liz interrupted, looking him up and down before saying, “but you can stay until the storm lets up.”

Or, in which Michael gets caught out in the rain while sleeping in his truck, and ends up taking shelter in the last place he wants to be.

also on ao3

title (from phoebe bridger's demi moore) precedes the lyric "I dont wanna be alone" which is kind of a central theme in Michael's mindset in this fic

warnings for mention of Michael's injury, very brief and vague mention of toolshed incident near the end, lots of talk about rosa's death and liz's mourning, michael has self worth issues, michael and alex say mean things to each other bc they’re sad and scared and just like a lot of angst

(3054 words)

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When Michael woke from his drunken nap, he sobered up immediately at the feeling of his blankets being drenched and the sky being far too dark for his liking.

He knew it was going to rain that night, and had even felt it in the joints of his mangled hand. What he didn’t predict, however, was that he was going to sleep for a few more hours than he intended, waking up in the middle of a storm rather than to the late afternoon desert sun.

“Shit, shit, shit!” he hissed, scrambling out of his truck bed and attempting to gather his linens. As he piled the soaked pillows and blankets he realized that he’d stupidly kept his bag of clothes beside him as he slept, leaving him with nothing dry to change into. He shoved his belongings into a sopping pile on his passenger seat before rushing to the other side of the truck cab and turning on the ignition with shaking hands.

Safe from the weather outside, Michael cranked up the heater and stripped off his shirt, huddling against himself for warmth. He ran his fingers through his curls in an effort to squeeze the water out, but to no avail. He sat like this, shivering and pathetic, for about 20 minutes before deciding that he needed a plan B. He didn’t have enough gas to use his heater for any extended period of time, and he wouldn’t have enough money for a refill until Sanders paid him for his work that week.

So, he decided to head into town to see if he could find somewhere that would let him stay inside for the duration of the storm without expecting a dime out of him. Normally he would try the library, but that closed at 8 and according to the clock on his radio, it was around 11 pm. Damn it. Hardly anything in this sleepy town was open past 10 on a weeknight other than the bars, and the storm wasn’t helping his chances.

Monsoon season was probably the most detrimental time for his beloved old Chevy that he called home, and tonight was no exception. He could hardly see through his windshield with the mix of dust and rain smattered across it, the high-velocity winds forcing his wipers to barely keep up. He was able to see enough to drive, though, as well as to recognize the signs on the shops and restaurants. They were almost all closed, as he’d suspected, except for one - the Crashdown still had its lights on and as he pulled into a parking space in front of it, he could see two figures inside. Liz Ortecho was wiping the counter as she spoke to the person in front of her, whose back was turned to Michael.

Only a few months ago, Michael would be too embarrassed to walk into the Crashdown at half-past 11 looking like a drowned rat and ask for a favor from his academic competitor. Now, though, Liz was going through her own living hell, which Michael felt partially responsible for, and had no room in her life to pity some punkass kid that lived in his truck. So, he swallowed his guilt and pride and shame and made his way out of his car and into the pouring rain. Without giving himself a chance to rethink this decision, he threw open the diner’s door, bringing attention to himself far too dramatically.

And, well, shit. Maybe he would’ve been better off using his fake id to spend his night with the racist alcoholics at the Wild Pony.

The first thing he noticed was that Liz looked rough. She clearly hadn’t been sleeping, as her eye bags were dark and evident, and her skin was paler than usual. She stood stock still at his cinematic entrance, her face full of annoyance and exhaustion. She no longer looked like the nerdy girl-next-door that Max had a crush on. She looked older than her age, and, in a sense, she was. She was going through more sadness than most had in their entire lifetimes, and that thought sent a spike of pain in Michael’s chest.

It reminded him of that selfish anger he’d been repressing since that night; anger at Isobel for killing the girls, anger at himself and Max for covering it up, anger at whatever entities left the three of them on this planet in the first place. He usually tried to shove those thoughts down before they ate away at him, but that was impossible when the consequence of their actions was quite literally staring himself in the face.

He glanced at the figure sitting on the stool across from Liz and his stomach dropped. Of course, it just had to be the very person Michael had been avoiding for the past two weeks.

He watched as Alex’s face morphed from confusion, to brief concern, and finally an annoyance that rivaled Liz’s. The last thing Michael wanted was to relive the fight they’d had after Alex told him he was enlisting in the air force.

Alex called Michael a violent alcoholic that was wasting his life.

Michael compared him to every birth and foster parent who had abandoned him.

Alex said Michael was no better than his abusive father.

Michael said that was funny seeing as he was following in his daddy’s footsteps.

It wasn’t pleasant.

“Sorry, I wasn’t sure if-”

“The kitchen is closed,” Liz interrupted, looking him up and down before saying, “but you can stay until the storm lets up.”

Michael nodded, flinging water from his hair. He sat in the nearest booth, looking at his hands. He didn’t exactly have a plan for what he’d do if someone were to let him in. Maybe he could sleep? He didn’t think Liz would appreciate having to wake him up to kick him out once the rain stopped, but making conversation didn’t seem like much of an option.

When he looked back over to see that Liz had bent down to clean below the counter, Alex was still staring at him. Michael glanced back down at his hands, but it was too late. Alex approached the booth and stood over him.

“Hey, Alex.”

“What happened?”

“I fell asleep and when I woke up it was raining and all my shit was wet,” he said, still looking down.

Alex furrowed his brows. “It started raining around 8.”

“I guess I went to bed early.”

“Is that your way of saying you passed out drunk?”

Michael raised his gaze to glare at Alex. Alex glared right back.

“Can we not do this right now?”

Alex huffed a sigh and sat across from him. Michael leaned back and turned his head, watching the downpour out the window. They sat in silence for a minute until Alex spoke up.

“You need to change your splint.”

For someone that “wouldn’t be Michael’s medicine”, Alex sure liked to act like his doctor. But, he wasn’t wrong. Michael’s splint was soaked, making it functionally useless.

“I have some gauze in the truck, I’ll fix it later,” he replied, still staring at the rain.

“Just grab it now, I’ll help you do it.”

Michael turned back to Alex. “What? No, I-”

Alex stood up. “Get the gauze and I’ll meet you upstairs.”

As Alex turned away, presumably to ask Liz if she was cool with him bringing the personified version of a stray dog found in the gutter up into the small apartment she shared with her grieving father, Michael conceded and ran back to his truck to grab the gauze. He could never really say no to Alex. He rushed back in, covering the gauze with his body to prevent any rain damage and, with a quick “bathroom’s on the right” from Liz, he ran up the stairs to meet Alex in the tiny restroom that Liz used to share with Rosa. Used to. Michael shuddered at the thought. He was too sober for this long night.

Except, Alex wasn’t in the restroom. He was nowhere to be found. Regardless, Michael closed the door gently and began peeling the gauze off his hand, the feeling not dissimilar to applying a strip of wet paper-mâché to a surface. He winced at the pain, which he’d been ignoring until then, and wished he had some acetone to take the edge off.

He glanced at the medicine cabinet. Maybe…He opened the cabinet and there it was, half a bottle of kroger brand nail polish. Jackpot. Once he finished his second swig, the door handle started twisting. Shit. He used his telekinesis to put the bottle back in the cabinet and close the door, all while rinsing his mouth to cover the evidence. He didn’t want to think about what Alex’s reaction would be to finding him drinking Liz’s nail polish remover straight out of the bottle. “Seriously, Guerin? Alcohol not enough of a buzz for you anymore?”. Alex always called him “Guerin” when he was disappointed or mad at him. Lately, that seemed to be more often than not.

Alex peeked his head in slowly, as if to give Michael privacy, which was frankly adorable, seeing as how many times they’d seen each other at least partially nude. When he saw that Michael was decent, he opened the door completely, revealing that he was carrying a pile of clothes and towels.

“Here, change into these,” Alex commanded, handing him the clothes. His clothes. Michael’s ears turned red against his wishes at the thought of wearing Alex’s clothes.

“”You always have a stash of clothes at the Ortecho’s, or is this just my lucky night?” he asked, removing his wet t-shirt. Alex turned away, making Michael roll his eyes.

“I would usually come here when things got ugly at my place. Arturo didn’t mind me sleeping on Liz and Rosa’s floor, so I kept some of my stuff here. Tonight I’m here for Liz, though,” Alex explained.

Michael removed his pants. “You know you don’t have to turn away when I’m changing, right? We’ve seen each other naked, like, a hundred times.”

Now it was Alex’s turn to blush. “I think a hundred is a little hyperbolic,” he said as he turned around to face Michael.

Michael ran the towel down his body before finally ruffling his curls dry. “Well there was our first time... “

“Obviously.”

“And the time in the cab of my truck just a few days later…”

“That was just uncomfortable.”

“And then a week later when we had that picnic out in the desert at midnight…”

“Ugh, that was just gross. Do you know how many spiders and scorpions are out there? Definitely wish I’d kept my pants on for that.”

“And then add a few more in the back of my truck and that should add up to one hundred!”

“Still a hyperbole. I’d say that’s 8, total. The rest at least one of us kept our pants or shirts on.”

“Sorry, I forgot to add the ones from my dreams.”

“Oh god, please shut up,” Alex said just a little loudly, making Michael snort and put a finger to his lips.

“Shh, Alex, c’mon. No need to wake up Arturo by discussing our epic sexcapades.”

Michael was now fully dressed in Alex’s clothes, wearing a burgundy sweater that felt softer than anything he’d ever worn before and black jeans that were just a little too tight. He looked at himself in the mirror and cracked a smile.

“Maybe I could pull the emo look off, huh? What do you think, darlin?” He added the “darlin” as a test. When Alex was actually pissed, the pet name only ticked him off even more. When Michael was starting to get back on his good side, he brushed it off and pretended he didn’t like it, even though he definitely did.

Alex suppressed a smile. Score.

“I think you’re ridiculous. Now lean against the sink and hold this washcloth.”

Michael raised an eyebrow but did as he was told.

“Here, hold the washcloth like this,” Alex said before gently moving the fingers on Michael’s left hand around the cloth. It hurt like hell, but Michael did his best to hide it. He didn’t like Alex seeing him in pain, especially when he knew Alex blamed himself. Michael didn’t want him to have another reason to feel guilty.

“It’s good of you to come over here and be with Liz. She seems…” He trailed off, not sure of what he was planning on saying. She seems, what, bad? Exhausted? Depressed? Like she’d just had her favorite person in the world taken from her, and now the entire town was spreading lies about her? He just let Alex finish his thought.

“It’s just what friends do. She needs support right now,” Alex murmured, wrapping the gauze around Michael’s fingers. “She’s leaving town, too, soon. Which is a good thing, I think.”

Michael stiffened at that. He already knew Liz was leaving, of course. He was just as responsible for that as he was for Rosa’s postmortem defamation. It’s that “too” that hits. Maybe it was the buzz from the acetone or the thrill of Alex watching him undress, but either way Michael was able to forget for a second about the coldness that had been between them just a few minutes ago, and the reason for it being there. That little word, “too”, was a painful reminder that hurt just a little more than the feeling of his disjointed bones being squeezed too tightly by Alex’s makeshift splint. Michael inhaled sharply to indicate this.

“Shit, sorry, let me make this a little looser.”

Michael looked down and shook his head a tad bit too violently, trying to indicate that he didn’t give a damn about the stupid splint.

“What? What is it Michael?”

Michael squeezed his eyes shut, knowing he was diving headfirst into the argument he was trying to pretend had never happened.

“You can’t go.”

Alex dropped Michael’s hand, which he’d just finished putting the last piece of tape on.

“Goddamn it, Michael, did we really not spend enough time talking about this already? I’m sick of my father looming over me, and, let’s face it. I’m not like you. I can’t just waste my life in this garbage town forever, sustaining myself on whiskey and bar fights.”

Michael opened his eyes back up and realized he had tears welling up. It wasn’t because of what Alex had said, words and insults didn’t phase him anymore. It was that his deepest anxiety was becoming his reality. Michael was going to be left behind, yet again.

He was used to pushing his fears down, but right now he didn’t want to repress. He wanted Alex to understand exactly how he was feeling, no matter how childish or pathetic he sounded in the process.

“I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t want to be alone.”

He looked up to meet Alex’s eyes. The other boy’s face melted from the defensive hardness he’d held before to something much softer. It wasn’t piteous, it was just… sad.

“I don’t want to leave you Michael. I definitely don’t want you to be alone. You’re the only reason I’ve ever even considered staying.”

Michael looked down again. His words were sweet, but they held no meaning. It didn’t matter how much Alex cared about him, he was still leaving.

“You know this doesn’t have to be goodbye forever, right? I’ll be coming back after basic, and then I’ll be coming home on leave whenever I can.” Alex cupped Michael’s face with his hands, forcing him to look up at him. Memories flooded in of their first kiss, when they cradled each other’s faces in the UFO emporium. Michael mirrored the movement and leaned in to Alex’s space, but didn’t close the gap. Instead, he watched Alex closely, reading the earnesty in his eyes. It seemed like he truly believed they could still be together, even through hell.

It was Alex that made the move, pressing Michael into the sink behind him and tenderly kissing his lips. Their movements were slow and gentle, much different from their usual sexual intensity. This was a different kind of intimacy. They touched each other lovingly rather than lustfully, their focus not on rushing to make each other come, but instead on patiently memorizing every detail they could. They were so enraptured with their shared space that the outside world seemed to melt away, including the door that was being pushed open behind them.

“Oh shi-” they heard behind them, shattering the moment. Alex jumped away, terror in his eyes. Michael’s heart was in his throat. Of course, it was just Liz, who didn’t actually care about their romantic involvement, just that they didn’t have sex on her bathroom sink. Still, the last time they were interrupted like this wasn’t a night they wanted to relive.

“I just wanted to let Guerin know that it stopped raining,” Liz said, her eyes turned to the floor uncomfortably. This was her polite way of saying “please get out of my home it’s past midnight and I’ve been waiting for you to leave for half an hour”, so he took the cue for what it was and headed out the door with a nod.

“Hey, Michael?” he heard from behind him. He turned back around.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m leaving in a week. I’d like to see you before then, to say goodbye.”

Michael gave another small nod, and headed down the stairs at twice his usual speed, not wanting either of them to hear him cry.

When he got to his truck, he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep anytime soon. So, instead, he devised a plan to ensure he wouldn’t be around whenever Alex decided to schedule that goodbye.

And this plan required Kyle Valenti’s hubcaps.

#malex #malex fic #michael guerin #alex manes #roswell new mexico #roswell nm #roswell nm fic #liz ortecho #malex angst

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swore · 3 years

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"Like how many hours a day do i spend not trying to be myself by using music food media consumption sex daydreaming drugs alcohol cigarettes and napping. i barely live at all?"

Isn't that living though? Everything you listed? If you take away music, food, sex, etc, what's left? Does being yourself mean meditating like a monk? I don't think so. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. Take care

WELL from my perspective i always have a quota to fill every single day/week without fail. i do this to both distract myself from my pain and fill in the emptiness i always carry in me. Im sure in some ways most people are the same or at least thats what i feel. my routine is as follows:

listen to music daydream and nap 4 hrs/day minimum

invest myself in any piece of media that grants me happiness, self fulfillment or self identification every week

sex used to be twice a week but now twice a month is fine. currently in a weird spot with that topic in my life

indulge in sweets and sugar daily. like i can not eat almost anything but that is a necessity i guess

ive cut back on cigarettes alcohol and weed but i mean there is not a month that goes by without me using them. thank god i dont have a lot of money because id genuinely just drink every night

i have a great partner so i dont use romance as a distraction or to feel good anymore but i guess thats what i do with most of my friendships now. I dont think im very good in the sense that im not one to remember birthdays or check up on others but as soon as i feel like shit and want someone with me im suddenly interested in others again. not all of them though at least

so my reasoning is i do all these things periodically so i can disconnect myself from the parts of me that are always writhing with pain or grief. i think i barely live because many of my actions are just me trying not to feel myself because (a) cant really afford good therapy right now and (b) many of my ills come from either delusions or other people who wont apologize or heal me. so all i have is time and unlimited distractions. the other half of my life well i got my studies and responsibilities and trying to make money so i just wonder when do i really feel myself

but as someone so kind to send me this ask i will try to see what you mean and figure out your perspective. Im inclined to agree that yes this is all part of living and there can be many good things to be seen in the mundane and repetitive but i fear ive become like a pacing tiger inside its cage. try poking it or change its routine and itll lash out... and I suppose the real question is why was it agitated in the first place? and thats what therapy is for. which I cant really do at the moment. but hey at least i love my partner and best friends and even though Im not 100% here I dont think a lot of people are, either

#a #this was longer than intended but your ask was thought provoking

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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I'm now starting to feel guilty about eating the soup earlier ha. Of course, nothing is truly guilt free with this mindset...sigh. Gotta remind myself that it wasn't junk, it was mostly water and any fullness is temporary. I'm kind of annoyed that today is the day I figured out how to weigh myself in the evening without keeping the data on my app, because now I really want to weigh myself but I ate really recently and yeah 😬 I know I'm going to weigh myself because I'm me, it's what I'm like, the temptation will be too great. I just hope it's not a terrible reading, and I especially hope it's a good number tomorrow... I was 155.2 today so I would love to be under 155 tomorrow. I haven't been under 155 since this time last year I think. I dont quite know what I should hope for.

// So I stared writing this post like an hour ago then got distracted by my cats and weighed myself anyway then got distracted by my other cats and I just remembered that I was writing a post (yes I do have ADHD why do you ask)

Scales said 156.8. I don't really know anymore what that means I should expect for tomorrow. It used to be 2lbs so it'd be 154.8... recently it was more like maybe 1.4 so 155.4. But also that was on my old scales and maybe they were off. But then also the 156.8 is kind of soon after food and still a few hours before I go to sleep. So with those in mind I'd expect it to be more like 2lbs overnight, maybe even a bit more. God I'd love that. Then work out and drink water and have salad and lose more by the day after.

Ugh. 12 days left of January. I still don't really know what I should expect to achieve. I've stabilised a lot of the stuff that was keeping me stagnant before (ie being on my period, drinking, being really ill from drinking, being hungover...) so theoretically I should be able to achieve more now. But I still don't really know how much. 5lbs in a week is doable if I go all out, or at least it was before I had that episode in November. But 1) I plateaued after that, and 2) my metabolism might be different now. It probably is. Idk. I'd love to say I'll lose 10lbs by the end of January and reach 145 but really just 150 is going to be difficult enough.

I'm still really annoyed at myself for letting it get this late. There used to be easily more than enough time for me to reach my goal weight by February. Then I just kept fucking up with alcohol. I should be able to do better now, but there's less time. I wanted to reach it before April but to do that now I'd have to lose 5lbs a week every week until the end of March.

I need to do some writing out tomorrow. Today will count as day 1, as I ate a low amount. I need at least 6 days of restricting, then on day 7 I can have one big "proper" meal. So I need to remember exactly when that day 7 will hit. Monday. I should properly write out all my rules and plans for how to do this. I can't do it by April now, probably not even May, but I should at least be able to reach my goal by June. Knowing my government we'll still have a pandemic and not be able to do summer gatherings or whatever, but I'll still at least be able to enjoy it myself.

Sigh. First task is to fall asleep. Hopefully I can do that reasonably soon so I don't sleep through most of the day tomorrow.

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hawkins-high86 · 4 years

Text

Not into you part 1

Warnings:bad language smut peer pressure drinking? Jealous Peter

Review:peter admits he has actual feelings for y/n y/n is confused

Readers pov:

Ugh I said fine we went out to the parking lot what is it harry? I asked

" I am sorry for cheating on you please forgive me "he said

You have got to be kidding me really no ! I said

"Please I swear I will never do it again please y/n believe me" he said

Um , fine I guess he kissed me on my lips we went back inside the school I saw Peter just standing there looking at me I felt a knot in my stomach shit I said under my breath um Peter I said

"You still like him huh ?" He said

No um I mean it's not wh- he cut me off

"He fucking cheated on you y/n and you forgive him?" He asked

I'm sorry Peter

"Forget it " he said

I walked around to his class I walked to my class second period came around it was reading class with harry and flash and peter he was mad at me and I forgive harry did he really mean it when he said that he was sorry? I asked myself I sat down next to harry and peter sat in front of me he sat next to ned we had silent reading and we had to do a little story about books that turned into movies or TV shows and which one we liked better I wrote about the outsiders it was a book and a movie it was one of my favorite book to film adaptation I wrote about 7 sentences.

"Hey Peter " harry said

He turned around and faced us he was mad at me or possibly harry probably harry

"Hey Peter flash is having a party tonight you should come over " harry said

"Um I sure I will try to make it " he said

The bell rang it was time for lunch after lunch I walked home with Peter it was so weird we didn't say anything so um see you at the party I said I went inside my house and went upstairs to my room to get started on my homework after about 3 hours passed my I got a text from peter

[Peter🥺] hey your still going to the party right?

[Y/n] yes why are you going I asked

[Peter 🥺] yes! See you there he said

I put my phone down took a shower and got dressed I wore a light pink dress and some pink heels also I brought my midtown hoodie and some i applied someand lipstick and some light eyeshadow and some mascara I went downstairs and my dad was out thank god I saw uncle steve and natasha hey um I'm going to a party with mj and Peter I won't be out for long please dont tell dad can you cover for me ? I asked

"No" Steve said

"Yes" natasha said

"Let her go Steve " natasha said

"Ok fine " he said

I smiled thank you love you I walked out the door and went to flashes party I didn't know why I was going it was just going to be stupid and loud I walked inside the house thr door was already open so I just walked right in the music was kinda loud and there was lots of people I saw people kissing getting drunk and shit like that I saw Peter he waved at me so I came up to Hey pete and you still mad at me? I asked him

"No I could never be mad at you I just really like you " he said

Aw thanks before I could say anything else someone held my waist and turned me around it was harry

"Hey y/n " he said

Um hi I said softly

"Whats wrong " harry said

Um nothing I said

"Here " he said

He pulled out a beer and another one um no thanks I said

"Oh come on just one sip " he said

Before I could respond he took me near the kitchen with the drinks and the food and near some people oh fine I said I had one sip it turned to 5 sips than 3 more and than I got some punch which had some alcohol in it as well I have about 5 cups of punch and I was intoxicated with the alcohol I could feel it I felt dizzy and warm

"Ok that's enough y/n" harry said

No I slurred I want more i got another cup and before I could get another sip harry tried to get the cup and I was pulling on the cup and it spilled all over me what the hell I said he took me to the bathroom he closed the door and got a paper towel and put some water on the towel and tried to get the punch out of my dress.

"I'm sorry y/n" he said

Your your bullshit I slurred you cheated on me and you didn't even care do know you was there right by me it was Peter yes I said and I kissed him your your bullshit I dont love you your pretending like everything is ok but its not its not god damn it ! I yelled I feel more dizzy and warm I felt like I was going to be sick I turned around near the toilet and threw up about 2 times I could still taste the alcohol in my mouth.

"Forget it I'm out of here " harry said

Wait wait I slurred dont you walk away from me I saw harry talking to Peter for a few minutes and he went out the door great he left me I saw Peter coming up to me and he was in the bathroom with me

"Um harry told me that your not feeling well so um I am going to drive you home ok" he said

Ok I slurred he picked me up and we went outside peter had his car near the house I went to the side of the car and threw up some more and I sat in the grass I was struggling to get up and peter picked me up and put me in the car next to the passenger seat and but my seatbelt on me and started to drive away from the house good think that no body is at the tower tonight everyone else went to my dad's party for pepper I have no clue why he threw a party I didn't feel throwing uup anymore I sat my head near the window.

"So I'm going to take you to your room and I'm going to help you ok " he said

Ok-whatever I slurred I picked up my head off of the window and looked at Peter we were already in my neighborhood I looked up and down felt dizzy again looked at Peter for a while its always been you Peter parker I slurred ever since h-harry cheated on me I have been crushing on you like crazy I want to kiss you so bad right now before I could say or do anything else peter cut me off

"No I mean your drunk you don't know what your talking about " he said

What me drunk no I slurred

"Yes" he said

He got out of the car and went to the other side and carried me out into the house he took me up to my room he got the pain killers and some ice cold water and a bucket.

Peter's pov:

Y/n was so drunk she sat down on her bed I took her shoes off her

"Peter?" She asked

Yes what is it ? I asked

"Help me get out this dress please " she said

Ok fine I went behind her and pulled the zipper down until the dress was down to the floor I went to the drawers and got her a big t-shirt and some shorts

Take my bra off, Petey." She whispered softly and he pushed his hands behind you back, unclasping your bra. You dropped the material down on the floor and massaged your breasts, sighing in content and laughed

Please y/n don't do that

"Why not?" She asked

Because your drunk I said before I could say anything else she started to kiss my neck I slightly pushed her away.

"Hey I want to kiss you so bad " she slurred

I know but this isn't right your drunk and you have no idea what your doing right now I said.

"Please!" She said

She put her shorts on I helped her um please put your shirt on I said

"No " she said

Come on y/n before I could do anything else she grabbed my hand and but my hand on her left breast.

"I know you like it" she slurred

No stop I took my hand off of her breast and put the t shirt on her slightly picked her up and put her to bed and took off her shoes good night y/n I said.

"Hey wait peter " she said

Um yes I asked no response I turned the light on for a second and she was already asleep I turned off the light and walked out of her room and went into the guest room and went to bed.

Ohh hi sorry for the spelling mistakes and errors I decided to delete the other parts and rewrite the story hehe

Tag list @spideyyeet

Want to be tagged? Just message me

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theyrealllegends · 5 years

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Careful (Roger Taylor x Reader)

Chapter Summary: You’re not the only one who’s developing feelings but Roger is too, trying to have you close to him at first, but then he’s trying to forget you over way too much scotch. This is how both of you get sick and he takes care of you again.

Author’s Note: It’s Roger’s POV in this chapter, yeeet! (Please don’t @ me I can’t tell you why and if you don’t like it I’ll never attempt it again, I promise)

Words: ~2k

Warnings: I’d rate this mature because (and this is a spoiler) someone’s masturbating aaand there’s drinking again and eventually someone has to throw up

Chapter 4

Previous Parts: Ch. 1, Ch. 2, Ch. 3

I couldn’t fall asleep that night because Tiffany never left my head: her reddish-blonde curls, her incredibly green eyes, her lips for fucks sake - I needed that. I craved being close to her, to feel her, to hear her breath like I’d never wanted anything else. The boys had noticed that I was hitting my drums harder than I usually did while messing up their rhythms and I knew that they knew that something was off but they wouldn’t mention it if I got myself under control before our next gig tomorrow night. I just didn’t see how that was possible, when I was now here, lying awake and only the thought of Tiffany’s voice made my whole stomach feel light, in the best way possible. I had no idea how long I’d been staring in the dark but I was seriously contemplating to go out and either get drunk or find some girl to do whatever it took to distract myself. I just couldn’t let myself think about what I’d do to her if she hadn’t been this innocent little princess I saw, every time I looked at her. Even though only my refusal to think of that was enough to give me a hard one, already. I swallowed hard as I carefully touched myself and I stopped trying to shake the thought of her because I knew I couldn’t while I was masturbating - what would it feel like to bury myself in her body, feel her skinny, yet strong legs wrap around me and see her losing herself in my thrusts. God, I just wanted her to feel as good as she made me feel when I got into the kitchen to a prepared breakfast, when I didn’t feel like a dumbass because she’d make me study and when I managed to make her laugh. I gripped on my own hair at the thought of her laugh, trying to imagine it were her tiny hand and her skinny fingers pulling on the strands while I held back a moan. Tiffany Abberforth was the most precious human being on this planet and I’d have to protect her with my whole life, I knew that for a fact.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

“You wanna join me tonight?”, I asked her, when I met her in the kitchen the next morning. Probably I was being selfish to try and get her out of the comfort of our flat, but I wanted her to be closer to me anytime. She was reading some book like the smart girl she was but she put it away as soon as I tried to talk to her.

“Where are you going?”

“The boys and I have a gig and I thought - since you’re freed now - you might like…?”

“Are you trying to make me drunk two out of three nights in a row?”, she called me out in a joking tune and it made me smile to see her that relaxed.

“Of course not, but I’d like you around me two out of three nights in a row.” Damn, she had no idea what she did to me when she blushed. She looked down at her hands, seemingly battling herself to a decision. “No pressure, Tiffy, if you’re there, you’re there and if not I’ll still play for you.”

“You know it’s not because I don’t want to hear you play, right, Rog?”

“Do I?”, I asked and leaned my head to the side a little too let her know I wasn’t completely serious.

“I can’t see myself enjoying your show in a huge crowd at all, it scares me, especially since I wouldn’t know anyone watching you, too and I - “

“You can join us for our rehearsal on Friday, if you prefer that.”

“That’s perfect”, she immediately agreed and I felt great about it. It relieved the thought of being rejected, at least.

“We can have dinner after, if you’d like.”

“We always have dinner, Rog.”

“No, I mean, you and me - and the boys if we can’t get rid of them - having dinner in a restaurant, if you’d like.” Now I was the one blushing, I feared, as she looked at me in surprise.

“Yeah, I think I’d like that”, she said after a moment and I smiled at her.

“Me too, Tiffy.”

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

I knew I shouldn’t really - even though there wasn’t anything exclusive about Tiffany and me, there wasn’t a “we” if it came to anything else than talking about our shared flat situation, but I still felt guilty and like I wasn’t supposed to let all the girls approach me after our gig.

“Hey there, sweet boy”, one of them purred, “How you doing, love?”, the other one said and “You did so amazing!”, I heard a third one while they really gave me a hard time to move forward, just trying to get to the bar behind Brian. Their hands were all over me and I was glad I didn’t wear something too showing or open, even, and it wasn’t that I didn’t like it, I just felt like it wasn’t fair. I wasn’t looking for anything they had to give me, instead I was trying to figure out which of them reminded me the most of Tiffany, really, and I knew that was just wrong.

“Thanks, girls, but let me have a drink first, would you?”

Of course I ended up buying the three of them drinks and I hated to admit it, but it was kind of a given that I went outside “to smoke”, only to make out with one of them, finally letting go of the thought of Tiffany’s emerald green eyes. I didn’t enjoy the night at the girl’s place - as if the universe wanted to punish me, really, for drinking myself into a state where I didn’t only forget about the girl’s - or Tiffany’s - name but also about my own, to a state where I didn’t care about anything anymore, trying to find relieve in it. I couldn’t even remember the sex for the love of god, only assuming it was good, by how the girl was cuddled against me, how our clothes were all over the floor. But the mattress woke me up, squeaking and poking into my back, which didn’t make the pain in my head any better. I just stumbled to grab my clothes and left, unable to look back at the girl or respond when she called for me, only heading for the door. I didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the hole situation getting the best of me, but I didn’t make it really far without throwing up and horribly cursing myself. I’d done dumb things but they didn’t really compare to last night.

Also, when I got home, there was light in the kitchen. It was an early morning and I knew, Tiffany was one to get up before sunrise but couldn’t that girl let herself get some rest once? She was reaching for the medicine cabinet, when I stepped into the kitchen, feeling her eyes on me and suddenly realising that I could easily be covered in my own vomit, if I was as unlucky as I felt that moment.

“You need help?”, I asked nonetheless and the worry in her eyes got wilder as she heard my hoarse voice.

“Where have you been?”

“I couldn’t tell you her name, even if I wanted to and I really shouldn’t have gone”, I tried to explain, unable to lie to her, or stand her quizzing look another second. “I feel sick, man, I had way too much scotch last night.” What would I do next, call her “mate”? This is really a great way to safe your ass out of this situation, seriously, keep going, Taylor, you’re doing great.

“Makes two of us, though”, Tiffany murmured and stepped away, acknowledging that she was a bit too tiny to reach the pain killers. I reached up, to hand them to her, unable to look her way - mostly because I was really aware of the bad taste in my mouth and I didn’t want her to smell me in the end.

“What’s wrong, love?”, I still asked, scared that she wasn’t alright.

“I get sick after every exam period, really and here I am, coming down with a fever.”

“Then, hush, to bed!”, I said, grabbing her to make her move and tug her in, before I could escape into the bathroom. “I’ll make you tea and get you soup, you just stay there, you hear me?”, I rambled in the process of getting her into her bed. I started brushing my teeth, while I went into the kitchen to put some tea water to a boil and looked through the cabinets for soup, realising I’d have to pick some up at the store. That wasn’t half bad in the end, because it forced to make myself look somewhat decent and I could get new cigarettes, cheese and toast at the store too, so I could at least eat some terrible breakfast when I came back to find Tiffany asleep.

I prepared the soup as it said on the pack and carefully carried it to her night stand, before I sat down next to Tiffany and softly ran my fingers over her face to make her wake up. Her skin was really clean and soft, but it felt hot to a point that I wished I knew a doctor, a better one than myself, for sure.

“Wake up, sweet girl, you need to get your soup down, so you’ll get better.” She smiled at me weakly and tried to move to a sitting position, so she could cuddle against her bed’s headboard and slowly eat the soup I held for her. I watched her eat in silence while I sat next to her, my legs crossed on her mattress, realising I should turn her heater up for a start. The tea water had gotten cold while I was gone so I reheated it, to finally make the tea she needed and I looked at her in her bed critically, while she sipped it. “Tiffy, do you want me to get you more pillows?”, I asked because it was kind of impossible that I had more pillows than she did, right? She giggled at me and moved her head for me to come closer.

“Rog, you’re acting like my mom - worse, actually, because she doesn’t consider you sick as long as your bones aren’t broken.”

“But -“

“I just need to rest, don’t worry”, she didn’t let me interrupt her. “You should go, so I don’t infect you.”

“I won’t leave you alone, unless that was your attempt to kick me out.”

“No, it wasn’t”, she explained and I felt relieved. She didn’t seem to be angry at me or the way I’d spent my night and that made me feel a little less sick.

“Good, then”, I said and slipped under her covers. Her eyes were on me, looking a little shocked, otherwise just intensely focused on me, as I moved towards her to rest her head on one of my arms and spoon her. “You fine, love?”

“Yes, but you don’t have to -“

“But I want to”, I whispered into the back of her neck.

“Thank you”, she murmured, shifting around a little to get the most comfortable.

“I was worried, when you didn’t come home.”

“I’m so sorry, Tiff”, I told her again, honestly. “I really shouldn’t have gone.”

“Glad you realised that”, she mumbled and it made me chuckle a little. Her breathing became slower and deeper when she feel asleep and I hummed one of the songs, the boys and I were working on, to fasten up the process, until I eventually fell asleep as well.

Tags

@crazyweirdocalledfriday @discodeakyy @blondecarfucker

Let me know what you guys thought 💕💕

#roger taylor #roger taylor x reader #roger taylor fluff #roger taylor fanfic #ben hardy #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy fluff #ben hardy fanfic #bohemian rhapsody #bohrap fanfiction #fanfiction #queen #queen fanfiction

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5view · 6 years

Text

mutual tag 🍒✨

i was tagged by @chanuwu thanks this was fun uwu ✨🌈

nickname: emy, keeva (thats actually my middle name but i get called that a lot!!)

zodiac: gemini sun/venus, taurus moon/mercury/mars (@ anyone who knows abt astrology pls tell me what it means lmao)

height: 1m63

age: just turned 22 but in the Youth™’s opinion i look 16-17 ggfjfgjdnfgj help

time: 19:28

fave bands/artists: winkon, b.a.p, shinee, b*s, monsta x....honestly its a never ending list :’)

song stuck in my head: tbh these past few days its been either twisted by junoflo gmskdkfkg god (smtm season is upon us lads) or machika by anitta, jeon & j. balvin (forgot how hard this goes)

last movie i watched: i watched the first 2 shrek films last night, i lurv poetic cinema 👌 cant believe i went this long without watching them lmao

last thing i googled: apartments bc i need to find a new place to live in but everything’s too expensive rip 🗿 🗿 🗿 love me some adult shit uh

other blogs: dont have any other!! i be a messy bih on main

do i get asks?: sometimes from mutuals and every now n then some asshole drops in but thats it owo

why i chose my username?: every khh related url i wanted was taken lmao so i decided on this since i lov me some gray music

☝️ a mood

following: 422 GKSKDFNKG and yet i only see the same 15 blogs on my dash so a lot of them are probably inactive

average amount of sleep: around 5

lucky number: 7

what am i wearing: a black top and mom jeans

dream job: don’t have one

dream trip: anywhere is great! im not picky

play any instruments: nope but i used to be very good at piano:// im lowkey sad i stopped playing

fave song: view n good evening by shinee, naive by the kooks, the sound by the 1975, ok jaanu by a.r rahman & srinidhi venkatesh, baby baby by winner,...

play any sport: i dont play anymore but ive done tennis, badminton & swimming

hair colour: red

eye colour: light blue/grey

most iconic song: the dilemma//// im gonna keep it to kpop: mr simple by suju, ring ding dong by shinee or i got a boy by gg

language(s) you speak: french’s my native language,,, i can write in english but not talk lmao (my dad’s english so talk abt embarrassing) and i had german spanish and latin in school but i can only understand a bit when im reading so uhhhh yeah... i started learning hindi & portguese and stopped a couple yrs ago but i wanna start again!!

random fact: last year at my stepdad’s bday a woman who works with casting directors n stuff (the first out lesbian in her field btw!! which is dope) told me i should go to paris and pass auditions because i had the physique to do tv?? but i never did and my jobless self regrets it tbh gllskdskfg

describe yourself as aesthetics: sunset by the sea, pressed flowers, staring at your friends laughing, iced hazelnut macchiato, the smell of opening a new book, pink tinted windows/glass, impulse shopping, plants on the window ledge, that annoying piece of hair that gets in your mouth, sheet masks, taemin trying to run his hand through his hair while he had a hat on, unwanted nostalgia, crying easily, listening to music on high volume, the run mv, the winner ‘exit’ teaser films, the feeling of getting a tattoo, streets in a foreign city at night, the very important hand touch in period dramas, alcoholic drinks that taste like they have no alcohol, flannel around your waist, sitting in the dark and watching the stars and moon

tagging: @seoktjin @ayzis @http-lance @fatescenario @glasses-and-bandana-s @94taehyuns @ddudu2x @winnerjinu @sghoneygirl @agu5td @blingbling-is-jonghyuun idk whos done this yet or not but ya! in case you feel like it 🤗

#im rlly the queen of ranting lmao im sorry

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asklynden · 6 years

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My dad is abusing me part 4

I can’t hardly believe what’s happened in recent events. My dad phoned me, so naturally I pretended to not be here and did not asnwer. He then sent me a txt message asking me to come over so I could sort out my suit. A suit for what? He’d decided I was going to his wedding as an usher. Didn’t even ask first. And he knows I have speaking problems so, an usher? Is he senile already??

Anyway I told him no, I told my sister too who was nosey enough to ask. I told me sis I couldnt go because I am an alcoholic. I’m not, but it felt like a good reason. I couldnt do that with my dad, giving him something to lecture me about? No thanks. So I just said I’d considered it and it wouldn’t work out.

Then my youngest bro who lives with my dad begins chatting with me. We talk and he’s doing well. The wedding comes up and we talk about it. I eventually bring up some issues I have, like how my partner is never invited, which kinda seems like there’s some prejudice going on. Apparantly my dad is just dum and thought my partner was just “a friend”. It doesn’t help that it’s not easy to explain my relationship with them. But we’re family without a doubt, and I love the heck out of them. But that’s enough about that, this post is meant to be about bad people, so back to my dad...

He started to seem less bad, and more stupid as things went along. Eventually the main topic came up. My dad owes me £3000. He’s got spending problems, so even though he has a very good job, he never has any money. I am the opposite of him in so many ways. I’d get money in a card from my grandparents to spend on what I want for my birthday and such. I never spent that money. I saved it. I was a very boring child. I then got a job at an Amazon warehouse. And yes it’s as bad as the rumors say. But not the first week. That first week they make it so easy that it’s actually fun. Then they make it harder and harder until it’s not doable anymore... Yeah you can just look up other people’s stories on that. It was hell. And deserves it’s own post. My dad is only relevant to the day I got fired.

That story, to keep it short went like this: I called in sick, because, I was sick. At about noon I got up out of bed to have something to eat and drink, and felt a bit better. My dad sees me and forces me into the car and drives me to my workplace. I don’t have a choice. I get in and walk right into my boss. I have never forgotten the look he gave me. “So you think you can just come and go when you want do you?” he asked me. What kind of person calls in sick and then shows up late instead? It looked to him like I just didn’t want to go in so early. It was because of that moment that my scanner never got upgraded like everyone elses did. I was told not to worry about the extra training session. I didn’t realise how clear it was at the time that this was the moment they decided to fire me. They gave me only a week after that day i think to keep working, all the while talking bad about my performance and how I needed to improve or else.

Sorry for that detour, but my dad got me fired from that job. And he’s never once helped me get a job before or since. But I had earned myself a nice amount of cash over these years. I earned a nice sum. My dad had many moments where he struggled. But I knew he was a bad spending since he bankrupt us back when he was living with my mum. It was cars that did it.

I don’t think he ever asked me for money. Instead it was just an “I’m sorry”. Naturally I said “I can lend you some money”. I don’t know if i fell for the bait, or if he really didn’t expect this. But I lent him money, and he promised he would pay me back. He was very grateful and aksed that I not tell anyone about this, since he’d feel so ashamed to have to borrow from his son. So, I kept it secret.

As time went on more things happened. His car had troubles and needed to be fixed, so I lent more. He couldnt pay the phone bill, so I lent more. He needed eggs for dinner, so I went out and paid for them. With the food I was always the one he sent to go buy it, and I’d often pay for it too, but he was meant to pay me back whatever it ended up being afterwords. I wrote this amount down, and I didn’t mind if a few were forgotten or he didn’t have the money at the time. I just kept the recipt for next time. These began to build up really badly. And before I knew it, he owed me over £3000. He never paid any of it back. Not until I moved out and tried to get him to.

So after I did leave, something I got no help with from him, because... Well I did it in secret. I saw a chance to get away from him and took it. Thank GOD I did. I was deeply depressed and my dad was against me taking anti-depressants. I was already on some, but had been calling them sleeping tablets to stop him from getting angry. Technically, they do make you drowsy, so it wasn’t quite a lie. But they did nothing for my depression. Which was at it’s breaking point. I moved out to a place only 10 minutes drive away. I regret being so scared to move further away. But this was my first time on my own. And I’ve got a few difficulties too that made it scarier.

During this time I struggled with rent far worse than i imagined. I asked my dad to help and he’d pull out £20 or one time £80 to help. I got whatever was in his pocket. And then one month he says “Don’t ask me for anymore money, not until October. I have it already all tied up in other things, sorry.” and so I stopped asked. October came, which was 4 months or more from then. And I forgot totally at this point to bring it up again. And so for another year I didn’t ask. And then another year. And in all that time he never once offered to pay me back. Never since this payment began growing did he ever offer to pay me back. He did offer to take me on holiday and said I could go for free, but, he’d not owe me anything anymore. It was a tempting deal, but I didn’t really like France that much. I said no.

Time went on and I heard abotu him going on holiday more and more, and buying new things, more cars. He had money to spare afterall, but still offered me nothing. Eventually our landlord decided to raise our rent by £100 a month. We were already overpaying for that crappy little place, and it wasn’t a case of “should we?” but “can we?”. And we could not. Oh “we” by the way is my roomate. The “partner” I mentioned earlier. So we had to move, and found a place 2/3 the cost and 3/2 the size much further away. It was a fantastic deal and we moved in.

My dad helped us move, by costing us around £1000. Because he did things cheaply, and told us to do things we werent allowed to do and got us fined. That needs it’s own post too. The damage he cause us is not something I added to the amount he owes though. I chose to just, not bring up that day at all.

So in our new place, doing well. Months of joy, when finally our old landlord tells us he’s not giving us our deposit back, but he also wants MORE money for damages. I didn’t even know this was legal to do. He took the deposit, and then a second amount the same. My mum had to come in and haggle for us because we were pretty much in tears over this. She saved us, and paid a lot of it for me. She expected my dad to do the same and save me, because this shock cost came out of nowhere and we were not ready. I dont have the amount on hand, but I recall I had to pay £800 myself, my mum paying more than that. £1500? £2000?

Anyway I ask my dad. Not to pay back what he owes, but to save me from seriously legal troubles. He did not help.

Over the next YEAR I was able to pay my mum back all that I owed her for bailing me out. And now I’m back on my feet, and could survive a shock payment if one somehow appeared. But I think I’m safe from that happening again. I hadn’t even thought about the money my dad owes me for ages now.

But this wedding, and talking to my little bro (yes finally back to the original topic) it came up. And my bro was like “Oh well I can talk to him and get that sorted. I was chuffed and said I’d go to the wedding. My dad is honestly fun to be around when it comes to parties. Well, as long as he’s not sober to be more precise. He was sober at one party, and was a huge killjoy. But it’s his wedding, he’s not gonna be a downer there! I was getting excited to see my whole family there, and have a great time and-

“Oh hey, your dad says he doesnt owe you that anymore.” What? Yeah what I got was a big load of messages from my bro telling me my dad didn’t think he owed me anymore because of things he’d done for me previously. Like some early holidays we went on. He also claimed to have “helped with rent” which was a very confusing thing to read. As if he was doing it periodically instead of the 3 times he did it.

Sadly this got me into venting a bit at how unreasonable it all was. I lost my cool. But I dont regret what i said. I imagined he’d go back and tell my dad and it’d get straightened out. I explained he did not help with rent nor did I owe him for any holidays, since the one time he asked me to pay, I declined.

I get a reply, my bro calls me entitled. Says so what if I paid for food and phone I used that stuff so I should pay for it. I’m in disbelief. He’s my dad, he provides for me. Besides you don’t tell someone afterwords “Oh you have to pay for those years of me helping you out”. That’s what pimps do. Other people probably do that too but I only saw it with pimps in the shows I watch.

So more ranting back that this was nuts, and that I just want my money back. I also lay into my dad’s spending habits, how he always has cash to burn, but never any for me. Fuck sake this wedding he’s having is costing him a hell of a lot more than £3000! Sadly this stuff I tell him is what he focuses on, saying my dad isn’t a bad spender cause he always buys cheap... yeah don’t I know it. Every birthday and Christmas I get a foreign or second hand phone or computer that breaks not long after. He’s a computer.. something. He gets this stuff dirt cheap thanks to his job. I couldnt really argue againt my bro there, but no way is that a positive.

But in al lthis arguing, it’s clear that my little bro has some bizarre ideas in his head if he thinks you can wave away owed money by being nice enough to someone. And he thinks me living with my dad is him being nice. But uh, that’s called being a parent, and it’s require by law. I wasn’t some friend staying there, I wasn’t a roomate. I was living in my dad’s house as his son. Jesus my lil bro is meant to be smart but what a fucking... Oh. He’s paying rent and food costs and all sorts. My dad’s gotten him paying for everything. He actually thinks this is normal. There is no low my dad wont sink to.

I can’t be mad at my bro, but it’s clear now that my dad plans on not paying me back. That’s theft. So, what should I do? I don’t want revenge, I don’t want to cost him anything, and I don’t want to take this to court because I know that could cost me. I’ll give it more time. But I hope he looks at my empty chair whilst he’s getting married and knows this is his fault I’m not there.

#bad dad

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surveysonfleek · 3 years

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1580.

What’s the ultimate cake topping? just a shitload of buttercream. yum

Do you prefer to wash in the mornings or evenings? like shower? evenings

Have you ever walked into a wall? yeah

Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes? vertical

Can you name all 50 American states? i could name majority. this is coming from someone who's not from there!

Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? yes

What makes you nervous? everything haha

Are you ticklish? yes

Do you ever forward or reply to chain mails? haha no one even sends them anymore. i feel like people send these via chat now

Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol? nope

Is it criminal to wear socks with sandals? look, its not pretty but i do this all the time at home

If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? haha mannn, probably just military

If you swapped genders for a day, how would you spend it? mostly for sexual purposes

Have you ever starred in a school play? yes

What historical period would you like to live in if you could go back in time? haha none. 90s if i really had to choose

Have you ever been to see stand up comedy? yes

Have you ever needed stitches? yeah when i was like 2yo, i got bitten by a dog. i dont remember mch about it

Do you ever laugh at things you shouldn’t? always!

Have you ever been in a submarine? yeah i have actually! it was part of a museum

What would you do if someone proposed to you tomorrow? it happened last week!

How high can you jump? not high at all lol

Which fictional character do you wish was real? harry potter. well, more like that 'world'

Do you like vanilla or chocolate? i like both, depends on what it is

Do you think Barbie is a negative role model for young girls? probably but i never wished to look like her as a kid, and i had sooo many barbies. im pretty sure they remodeled her to look more realistic anyway, so thats a good sign

Do you prefer Honey or Jam? jam. i actually dont love the taste of honey that much

Do you read a daily newspaper? no

Do you own a lava lamp? no

Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? yes.

Have you ever had chicken pox? yes, i have. when i was 6, i remember it so clearly haha

Do you believe there used to be dragons? no

Who would you want to be with on a desert island? my fiance

What’s the worst show on television? masked singer lol, or most reality i should say

Who’s your favorite god from ancient history? i dont have a fave

What was the last present you received? donuts

Could you go out with someone who had a child from a previous relationship? i would really really need to be into them to consider it. id rather not but its not an absolute rule breaker either

What was your first alcoholic drink? beer

Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? probably interstate

What was your first detention for? i dont remember

What was the first film you remember seeing at the cinema? 101 dalmatians i think

What nicknames do you have/have had? i had one main one that im not sharing

Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? i never did! i always tried to pretend but i could never go along w it

Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? nope

Have you ever carved a pumpkin? i dont think so

Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid? no

Do you plan to vote in the next election? yes, we have to

Have you ever appeared on YouTube? yes

Have you ever been on radio? nope

Do you bite your nails? no

Are you much of an adventurer? not at all. thats why i dont really believe in horoscopes because mine is supposed to love adventures/outdoors

Do you like your own name? yes

How long has your longest ever phone call been? haha if u count skype, nearly 24hrs

Have you ever stolen anything? yes

Could you ever have an affair with a married person? nahhh

Could you ever split up a couple for one reason or another? no

Do you get hayfever? yes

Have you ever planted a tree? no

Do you believe in karma? i do

Which celebrity do you find the most annoying? most of them. chloe and halle actually. theyre so overexposed. i know nothing about them but theyre constantly all up in my twitter, tiktok, ig etc

If you discovered a new species of dinosaur, what would you call it? after me, duh!

#survey #surveys #bored #questions #quiz

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mollydollyjournals · 4 years

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Just weighed in at 162.4 tonight. Normally I'd say -2lbs by morning but I'm probably still rehydrating from yesterday and of course period. So who knows. I'll probably be about the same.

I had some thoughts about drinking though. It would help if I could write it out properly. Maybe I will tomorrow when I'm less sleepy. It's just...I got 3-4hrs of feeling good/okay yesterday. Not even fully great. It was definitely good but for 4hrs...it wasn't worth it. After the 4hrs I just started feeling bad again and then I slept weird and of course today I've been hungover and feeling super sick because that's what happens when you drink with liver damage. Tomorrow I'll likely still not feel that great, given how I feel now. So after feeling terrible yesterday, I got no more than 4hrs of feeling good, followed by the rest of the night and the next couple of days feeling really bad.

I mean I always knew, logically, that drinking isn't really worth it in that sense. Just that today and yesterday, rather than looking at it that I miss the good feeling and relief that comes from drinking, I'm seeing it like I'm gonna feel shit anyway and the shit feeling gets extended if I drink. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. It doesn't really even make me happy anymore. It's pointless. At the end of the night I'm still in bed alone feeling like shit, but one of these options means I can still get up and do some stuff the next day and not feel sick or gain weight.

I'm gonna try a new thing. When I get the urge to drink, I'm gonna wait til the point where I would normally give in and get some alcohol. Then I'm gonna set a timer for 4hrs. In those 4hrs my task is just to exist. Maybe a bit like the handcuffs with the pizza from years ago. If I can find something to make me feel better in those 4hrs that's good, if I just waste the time that's fine, if I feel shit that's fine. Then at the end of the 4hrs when the timer goes off, I might feel better from doing the other thing, in which case I don't need to drink. Or more likely, I'll feel really shit because it didn't work. But at that point I can remind myself that in the alternate reality where I drank, I'm still feeling like shit anyway, but in that universe I'm also worse off because I spent money and ate shit food. And in the morning, that me is gonna wish I never spent that money or ate that food, and is gonna feel sick all day, on top of also feeling shit for usual reasons. But this me, that just wasted the 4hrs on something else, only has the usual shit to deal with but still has a bit of money, didn't binge, and can work out.

I don't know if it'll work. Problem with addiction is it's not a logical thing, otherwise there literally would be no such thing as addiction because you'd just...not do the thing that's unhealthy. It's easy for me to say this now, when I'm feeling sick and hungover and guilty and the idea of drinking is kind of gross. Maybe in a day or two the urge will hit and it'll be so strong I can't even think straight to remind myself of this stuff. That's how it often is. But in the past, I've been trying to convince myself to not feel good by drinking; this time I'm thinking it's not even that good anymore anyway. Which is sad. And maybe it still won't work. But I can try it I guess.

So I tentatively feel a little better...drinking yesterday was bad, but if it helps me figure out a way to more easily avoid it in future that isn't just 'dont do the thing you want to do' then it could have kind of been a good thing. Idk. I guess I'll see in time. For now I just hope that tomorrow I haven't gained too much, I finally get my period so I can get it over with, and I have the energy to at least go for a walk or something.

#alcoholism #alcoholic #food shit #what even are my tags i forgot

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audible--silence · 3 years

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Well shit.

23 ay, the year Casey resented turning just a few months prior. The last 12 months felt like they were one big bender except I started it hopeful and optimistic, went through a few months of utter chaos, underwent a huge amount of change and then came out the other end somewhere between jaded and selfish; and chaotic and fun. The last twelve months flew by seemingly so fast i can barely remember it, until i start thinking about it and i realize just how much happened and how much has changed and how much ive done and how much everyone has done. So much has happened. You went through a good few months of breakup chaos (as i write this, i cant believe the breakup isn’t ancient history yet) including lots of mates, lots of staying busy, lots of alcohol and a fair few joints. I hitchhiked to Broome and back with Dan. That set me off on the photography and adventure road for the year. The post breakup was lots of kinda staying together, trying to be friends, jealousy, miscommunication, pettiness and frustration but at the same time, there was much love and patience and understanding and forgiveness and care and fun. In the middle of the worst of it, there was always the knowing that we’d be ok. We always believed it. Then after some months of change and growth, for better or for worse, we find ourselves on opposite sides of the country again, my plan to come see you spoiled by hard conversation, hard feelings and a hard fucking virus to plan around. We both had our chaotic period of the year, mine being arguably a tad more fun and a tad less anxious. Yours arguably giving me the most fomo, though I cant say for sure. I spent my days filling them with anything and everything with anyone and everyone. I made lots of new friends and intensified relationships with old ones. In the same breath, i think I’ve drifted from some others, though it may be too early to tell. We drifted and I started to let you go. One day, I realized it worked, after much effort and pain. Sometime after, you realized you felt differently about the idea of being together and I got spooked. I told myself I wasn’t ready but the truth is i was just very scared. Of opening back up, of looking like a fool, of getting played again. I withdrew and started being painful to you in a sad effort to make you want space. I hurt you and caused you grief and for more than I wish to accept, I knew i was. I was selfish and unsure which made for a cocktail designed to reduce any situation into a heavily laden emotional shitstorm that took its time playing out through lots of letters and discussions and fights but eventually ended in us planting enough metaphorical and physical space smack bang in the middle of us with the desired outcome being a certain degree more ok without the other. I welcomed it gladly till I realized you were actually pretty great. Now, we’ve had our season of not talking and are now trying the whole friendship thing again. As i write, I’m assuming you have a new boyfriend. He has good tastebuds. I know little as it stands, we’ve been out of communication for some time. I hope he’s wonderful but i kind of hope you still like me a little. Selfish im sure but hey.

I spent the time working, drinking, gigging, shooting, writing, planning on moving and the eventually traveling anyway. I met a new girl. It came and went pretty swiftly. I gave her my virginity and it was not worth it. I ended up leaving my crew of beautiful friends, my lovely old piece of shit house, my super fun job and all of the customers and going up north to Exmouth with one of Gods finest creations, Ben Gallagher. I write this right now in Karijini, where im traveling with many good humans in a slightly dodgy nissan xtrail that fit most of my life in. My life without the people that make it so. Im learning from traveling that you cant take the joy you get from your relationships with your friends to strangers and expect the same result. I dont miss my bed, despite my car barely fitting me, but i do miss my friends. They’re all doing mostly well. Claire is seeing Austy and they seem to be in the wildly in love phase. Reubs fucked his shoulder and is now mining gold. Ty lives with Reubs, broke up with Z, got a new job and then stopped talking to me when i left town. Ben is strong w Cails and is currently undergoing prac in bunno. Tom is living the dream still. I think his house is being built? Dan just proposed the fkn maniac. Harry got married. Fuckin nuts. Loz is building a house, the gang are all doin good. Music vids are coming out n shit now. Up the barry.

I started working at Hemingway, a place that saw me through a lot of different stages of life. I started a little unsure of myself and what i was doing and then left it confident, self assured enough in my abilities and with scores of new friends from the team and the customers. All of whom mostly entirely unaware, helped me through a breakup and then saw me thrive and grow into my own skin day by day and coffee after coffee. As i write this, its been a couple months since my last shift and i really miss it.

As I write this I realize more and more just how much happened this year and just how little I have reflected on it. Too much time socializing, working and surfing in a mad ditch to stay busy in order to avoid thinking about much at all. Evidently worked because I am realizing i have so much to talk about and realizing i have so much to contemplate.

Where I find myself now, i have more to say and feel i have less power to say it. I want to do everything but I dont know why. I miss my people but they dont talk much unless im there. I dont know what to do with myself and im not sure if im supposed to or not.

I’m tired, less enthusiastic and cynical.

I’m also fun and ready and charming enough to figure shit out right now that seems to be what i want. To figure shit out. I dont even know my own brain anymore, maybe I should figure that out. It all seemed so easy with her. I miss that. But here I am. I will make ot work.

12.12

4/8/21

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ihateeveryoneincludingmyself · 3 years

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i don’t think anyone I know irl has my tumblr so I’m just gonna vent here.

so in May I met this girl on tinder, and we hit it off super fast and we talked nonstop it was honestly pretty overwhelming because I didn’t remember what it was like to have someone into me. she was trying to move very quickly and I’m very emotionally unavailable so I didn’t want to get into a relationship with her.

we remained friends. super good friends. she even considered me her best friend which I didn’t even know she felt that strongly until we started to fight. thought I was just some dude she talked to when she wasn’t hanging out with her irl friends.

our first fight happened when I realized how deeply she’s into the awful college student drinking partying culture. to be clear because this is something she doesn’t fucking understand, I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING! I DRINK, EVERYBODY I KNOW DRINKS!! but every week sometimes multiple times a week she would drunk text me random stupid shit like she couldn’t even spell properly and like she doesn’t remember shit in the morning you know like, actually fucking drunk. i can’t stand how people think that’s normal or okay. if you can’t control your drinking then don’t drink. if you can control, then have a couple drinks! enjoy yourself! BUT THERES A POINT WHERE YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF. okay so here’s why I’m extra sensitive about this topic. my parents were alcoholics. also did heroin n shit but yeah I wasn’t allowed to live with them. and every time I see someone fucking wasted, it reminds me of them. i remember my grandpa taking me to restaurants to visit my parents and by the time we finished eating they were drunk. couldn’t even talk to them as a little kid. I lost my childhood due to alcoholism. i know this girl is just a college student partying blah blah blah but it can lead to worse and like.... seriously who the fuck wants to talk to someone who can’t even produce sentences? when you’re that intoxicated it’s simply not healthy even if I didn’t have trauma related to alcohol I would probably still be concerned. anyways, I progressively got more angry with her. i said a lot of things I shouldn’t have . i tore her apart in response to my anger. i hate myself for the way I treated her, but GUESS WHAT? she still doesn’t listen to me. still regularly getting wasted and it fucjing pisses me off because she goes around telling people that I don’t let her DRINK. LIKE SHES MISSING THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT!! IM GOING TO COPY AND PASTE EXACTLY WHAT I SAID BEFORE I GOT INTO DETAIL ABOUT THIS: I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING! I DRINK, EVERYBODY I KNOW DRINKS!! but every week sometimes multiple times a week she would drunk text me random stupid shit like she couldn’t even spell properly and like she doesn’t remember shit in the morning you know like, actually fucking drunk. i can’t stand how people think that’s normal or okay. if you can’t control your drinking then don’t drink. if you can control, then have a couple drinks! enjoy yourself! BUT THERES A POINT WHERE YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF.

anyways, now as I said she still fucking gets wasted all the time,BUT SHE DOESNT TALK TO ME. but she posts about it on her Instagram story (which I’m blocked from seeing but.... I have my ways🤷🏻), she talks to other people JUST NOT ME. THAT WASNT MY FUCKING INTENTION WITH MY SERIES OF INTERVENTIONS. I WANTED HER TO BECOME MORE RESPONSIBLE WITH ALCOHOL? AND THEN SHE CAN ENJOY A DRINK AND STILL TALK LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. GOD IT MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY TO KNOW THAT SHES STILL BEING WHAT I LIKE TO CALL A GLORIFIED ALCOHOLIC, BUT SHE JUST DOESNT DRUNK TEXT ME ANYMORE.

ooh then another fight.... I was venting to an NOW EX FRIEND FUCK THAT BITCH SHE BOILS MY BLOOD JUST THINKING ABOUT HER of mine ..... AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOD I FUCKING HATE HER FOR WHAT SHE DID.... DECIDED TO SNITCH ON ME AND MESSAGE THE GIRL AND TELL HER THAT I WAS VENTING. AND SHE MISINTERPRETED AS ME “TALKING SHIT” WHEN I NEVER EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HER IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT. SOME PPL SAID “SHES TOXIC” I ALWAYS FUCKING DEFENDED HER BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH WE WERE FIGHTING I STILL ADORED HER. so yeah that put even more tension on our friendship. AND I DROPPED THE SNITCH GIRL RIGHT AWAY, I WILL NEVER FUCKING FORGIVE HER BECAUSE MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE GIRL COULDVE BEEN SAVED IF IT WASNT FOR HER. FUCK HER. I FUCKING HATE HER SO MUCH AND NOW THEYRE FRIENDS AND COMMENT ON EACHOTHERS POSTS AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH.

anyways, like I mentioned I said a lot of terrible things to her. i was really fucking angry and I said some terrible things which I deeply regret and I tried apologizing and making it up but now already our friendship was messed up.

also, she eventually ended up getting a boyfriend and like, if I said I wasn’t a little jealous I’d be lying but I was the one who rejected her in the first place so 😳😳it’s whatever. but she told her boyfriend everything about me and this guy now hates my guts LOL . ever since she started dating the guy she talked to me less and less.

and during a short period of time when we weren’t fighting I introduced her to a friend of mine and now they talk a lot and she likes him more so YES IM FUCKING JEALOUS AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

but this friend of mine she started talking to leads me to my breaking point. so you know she’s been distant because apparently every time we talk it’s a fight but I’m like BUT WHY?? and this next fight will show exactly how ITS NOT ALL MY FAULT, SHES TO FUCKING BLAME AS WELL!!

so she’s been ignoring me for a couple days after a PETTY FIGHT THAT I FELT WAS LITERALLY NOTHING JUST A SILLY LITTLE FIGHT THAT IDC ABOUT. basically she got mad because I was bullying that friend of mine about his league of legends stats 🤣 literally a fucking video game that she doesn’t like and she’s mad at me for TEASING MY FRIEND.

so I got kinda sad.... like why is she ignoring me??

she eventually responded after I sent her a looong paragraph with some identifying info so I’m not gonna show it. BUT HERES WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW SHE ISNT GONNA TALK TO ME WHILE SHES GETTING DRUNK !!

okay the next screenshot has more identifying details so I’m not gonna share but basically she LIED TO ME SAYING SHE HAD NO SERVICE FOR 3 WHOLE DAYS BLAH BLAH BLAH WHILE I COULD GET PROOF THAT SHE WAS TEXTING MY FRIEND LIKE EVERY CHANCE SHE GOT . HE TOLD ME THEY STILL TALKED AND SHE WAS PURPOSELY IGNORING ME BC IM TOO STRESSFUL FOR WHATEVER. BUT SHE FUCKING LIED ABOUT IT

so basically, here’s how it’s not just my fault . yes, getting angry is my fault I could be a little less harsh. im working on it. BUT THIS GIRL HAS BEEN IGNORING ME FOR DAYS AND THEN LIES TO ME?? COME ON ISNT THAT A VALID REASON TO BE UPSET

anyways this is the last thing I sent her before deactivating my Instagram (I have her number too but we rarely talk on there). but the fact that she said we aren’t friends anymore.... broke my fucking heart. I broke down in tears. I had to stop myself from hurting myself or saying something dumb. so I ended it there.

i tried to hard to fix what we once had. yes, I’m at fault for being a dick and not being able to control my anger. but she’s at some fault for giving me valid reasons to be upset. i tried to hard to fix our friendship. but the more I try the more angry I get. she isn’t going to listen to me. she doesn’t even care about me anymore. it’s over.

ive been pretty suicidal lately. a few months ago I started cutting myself again after years and I hate myself for it. i pushed everybody away. she was the last person I regularly talked to. maybe now I can take a break from the fighting, try to get to a better place mentally, and try to get back in touch with some of my other friends, or make new friends.

idk I’m still very upset but this long ass vent that no one is gonna read helped a lot. this all happened over a few months and today was where I ended it. time to start a new chapter I guess

#vent #i have no friends #im a terrible person

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